Things I find a tad exasperating v.3

[wolfking]

So I'm on vacation right now, and there's been a number of things that I've gone off on. My family has pretty much told me that I'm the one being a dick.

I find this exasperating.

They only have themselves to blame.  They knew what they were getting into.

[jingle.boy]

So I'm on vacation right now, and there's been a number of things that I've gone off on. My family has pretty much told me that I'm the one being a dick.

I find this exasperating.

They only have themselves to blame.  They knew what they were getting into.

[Stadler]

Stads, I bet you didn't know you wielded so much power.  Lol

I feel like Thanos.    I'm wearing a glove.   

[jingle.boy]

This one falls between the 'exasperating' and 'piss me off'.  People who assign feelings to things that aren't feelings.  One thing I learned in the brief time I was in therapy a number of years back was if you start a sentence with "I feel", follow it with a feeling.  It burns me to my core when I hear/see sentences "I feel like you're <insert anything>" or "I feel as though <insert pretty much anything>" or "I feel that ... ".  Spoiler alert people, 99% of the times, these aren't feelings; these are just convenient ways to express your thoughts, beliefs, opinions, judgments, perceptions etc ....

I feel that I've said this before
I feel like you're not listening to me.
I feel like I’ve given it a lot of chances
I feel as though I'm doing all the work here

A lot of times, this are innocent misuses (I feel like having a burger for lunch), but when they're a passive aggressive way of expressing non-feelings, it grates the fuck out of me.

[Melphina]

Hmm. I'm not sure I agree that it's a misuse at all. If the person actually feels that way then they feel that way and there's nothing wrong with saying it that way. Basically I would argue that telling them that what they're feeling isn't actually a feeling is pretty dismissive of... how they're feeling. Just my perception.

[Adami]

This one falls between the 'exasperating' and 'piss me off'.  People who assign feelings to things that aren't feelings.  One thing I learned in the brief time I was in therapy a number of years back was if you start a sentence with "I feel", follow it with a feeling.  It burns me to my core when I hear/see sentences "I feel like you're <insert anything>" or "I feel as though <insert pretty much anything>" or "I feel that ... ".  Spoiler alert people, 99% of the times, these aren't feelings; these are just convenient ways to express your thoughts, beliefs, opinions, judgments, perceptions etc ....

I feel that I've said this before
I feel like you're not listening to me.
I feel like I’ve given it a lot of chances
I feel as though I'm doing all the work here

A lot of times, this are innocent misuses (I feel like having a burger for lunch), but when they're a passive aggressive way of expressing non-feelings, it grates the fuck out of me.

I feel you.

[jingle.boy]

This one falls between the 'exasperating' and 'piss me off'.  People who assign feelings to things that aren't feelings.  One thing I learned in the brief time I was in therapy a number of years back was if you start a sentence with "I feel", follow it with a feeling.  It burns me to my core when I hear/see sentences "I feel like you're <insert anything>" or "I feel as though <insert pretty much anything>" or "I feel that ... ".  Spoiler alert people, 99% of the times, these aren't feelings; these are just convenient ways to express your thoughts, beliefs, opinions, judgments, perceptions etc ....

I feel that I've said this before
I feel like you're not listening to me.
I feel like I’ve given it a lot of chances
I feel as though I'm doing all the work here

A lot of times, this are innocent misuses (I feel like having a burger for lunch), but when they're a passive aggressive way of expressing non-feelings, it grates the fuck out of me.

I feel you.

Promise?  You've got 8 weeks to prepare yourself.

[Harmony]

Hmmm....I'll think about this one a bit.  I think I'd rather have someone check out something with me by saying, "I feel like you are <fill in the blank>" than assuming my state of mind.  I also am glad when people use or try to use feeling statements because so many people are so detached from their own feelings.  Yes, it is a bit of a shortcut way around, but that alone is a big step for a lot of people.  Personally, I use, "It sounds like you are saying <fill in the blank>" as a reflective statement and an opportunity for the other person to correct my perception or to elaborate by opening the door and cuing them that I'm listening.

[TAC]

So @Chad…. A lot of times when my wife and I are discussing what to get for dinner, she might ask, “What do you feel like?” which may get a response along the lines of “I feel like having pizza”.
I had a hard time understanding your gripe but is that the kind of thing that bugs you?

[jingle.boy]

No, not that. That’s no biggie. I’ll give an example. Recently, another poster here  commented to me “I feel like you’d be happier if ….”  Well, that’s not a feeling. That just a way of backhanding an opinion or belief. Or when “I feel like you’re saying …”. That’s not a feeling. It’s an opinion or perception.

@ Harmony, I feel like you get it (said specifically as an example that bugs me).  It seems to me like you get it. I tend to use phrase like “it seems” or “it appears” or “I think/believe” rather than the oft used “I feel”. The next word after “I feel” should (almost always) be an actual feeling.

[TAC]

I feel=It seems to me...no?


I mean, does the word "feel" or the phrase "I feel" need to be taken so literal? Words and phrases can have another meaning or usage.

[wolfking]

I think people use the word 'feel' in that situation to try and possibly empathise with the person more.  I think people correlate the word 'feel' with empathy so they are relating more and engaging them with what they are saying, but Chad's right, the context technically is not a feeling.

[jingle.boy]

For me, it's situations such as "I feel like you're not listening to me".  um, what?  Me not listening is not a feeling of someone else.  I get bothered when people try to co-opt others' words or behaviours as their feelings, rather than actually recognizing or dealing with their own feelings.  For instance, in the aforementioned statement "I feel frustrated because I don't believe you're listening to me" is more apt.  I'd like for people simply to recognize and own their own feelings rather than dodging them, and calling out something else as their feeling, or parking their emotions on the actions/behaviours of someone else.

Maybe it's just a me thing.

[TAC]

Maybe it's just a me thing.

I feel like it is. 

[jingle.boy]

Maybe it's just a me thing.

I feel like it is. 

[ProfessorPeart]

I feel like what he means is that he doesn't like when people use 'feel' in place of 'think'. 'I feel like you meant this' instead of 'I think you meant this'. 'I feel like TAC absolutely loves Winger' instead of 'I think TAC absolutely loves Winger'.

That's what I feel.

[wolfking]

I feel like what he means is that he doesn't like when people use 'feel' in place of 'think'. 'I feel like you meant this' instead of 'I think you meant this'. 'I feel like TAC absolutely loves Winger' instead of 'I think TAC absolutely loves Winger'.

That's what I feel.

I feel you man.

[Stadler]

I feel=It seems to me...no?


I mean, does the word "feel" or the phrase "I feel" need to be taken so literal? Words and phrases can have another meaning or usage.

Chad's particular example doesn't really bug me that much, but I see where he's coming from and I tend to agree.  There's a LOT of co-opting of language these days, and while it's subtle, and most people don't even notice it, it's got an effect.  The implications are there and IMO it's all leading to a sort of false narrative.   Opinions and facts are NOT the same thing, no matter how hard we try to justify them as the same. 

We can't control our feelings, to be sure, but we CAN recognize them, process them, and filter them for the real world.  Not every feeling needs airing to the populace at large.  I think subtle linguistic turns like this only serve to give heft and (false) validity to things that never should have that heft to begin with.  And you might think "so what?", but it has impact, it has ramifications.  Remember that there are potentially 7.6 BILLION different opinions on any one topic; the more that they are considered fact, the more investment we have in them and the more the damage when they aren't accepted as such.  This terminology also serves as a defense mechanism; it's harder to argue with an opinion, even when that opinion is (falsely) stated as a fact.  There are millions of people - we have one or two people here - that literally cannot accept that others disagree with them; their opinions are so integral to their state of mind that they can't fathom that someone might, with good intentions and in good faith, disagree with them.  They counter with other words intended to normalize this reliance on opinion, like "gaslighting". "Disagreement" is not "gaslighting".  This rejection from the in-group only serves to bolster insecurity and marginalization, and if you read anything I write in the P/R threads, you know where I think that leads.  We've got about three active threads over there that are DEEPLY rooted, IMO, in our national insecurity.

[Chino]

The methods in which we have to pay to park these days. I went to a beach yesterday that was $65 for the day (I thought the guy was joking at first). The only form of payment that was excepted was through a parking app. No receipt or anything is given. I fucked up my license plate and entered AP208200 instead of AP20820, so of course the security car's cameras flagged it and I was issued a $150 ticket. I go to the booth at the end of the day, show them the confirmation in the app with my parking pass still active, but there was nothing they could do as the ticket was already printed. So now I have to deal with that shit and play the telephone game while I try to sort it out. I hate it. 

[jingle.boy]

But did you leave a cone in your spot for the next visit to the beach?

[faizoff]

The methods in which we have to pay to park these days. I went to a beach yesterday that was $65 for the day (I thought the guy was joking at first). The only form of payment that was excepted was through a parking app. No receipt or anything is given. I fucked up my license plate and entered AP208200 instead of AP20820, so of course the security car's cameras flagged it and I was issued a $150 ticket. I go to the booth at the end of the day, show them the confirmation in the app with my parking pass still active, but there was nothing they could do as the ticket was already printed. So now I have to deal with that shit and play the telephone game while I try to sort it out. I hate it. 

This is the bane of technology and the people who design these kind of systems. I'm sure they do it on purpose with the goal of you just giving up and paying for your mistake. No margin for any error is accomodated.

[TAC]

So I mentioned being aggravated while on vacation.

Can I tell you what pisses me off? It's the expectation of a tip.

So we spent a night in San Antonio on the Riverwalk. When we are away, we like the Hampton Inns. But this hotel apparently didn't a lot where I could park our car, but that we'd have to valet it for $40. $40??
Whatever..So it costs me $40 for them to put my car somewhere. It's not even like they deducted it from our bill for lodging.
So the guy takes the car, and my wife asks me if I gave him "anything". Hell NO! The guy is parking my car at a lot that I have no access to. It's his job.

When we leave, my wife starts fiddling for some cash, and I was like, what are you doing? She says she wants to get something ready for a tip. I was like Fuck that. We already spent $40! The dude can go to the front desk and they can give him his cut of the $40.



Another night, we were at a restaurant..nothing fancy by any stretch, and at the bottom of the menu is states: For your convenience, a 20% gratuity will be added for parties of 8 or more.
WUT? How the hell is that convenient for me? So if I had 6 kids instead of 2, my bill would be 20% higher?
FUCK THAT!

What if the service sucked? What if the meal wasn't that great? What if the restroom smelled like a shithouse?  But because I have 6 kids, my bill will be 20% higher. That's bullshit!



I have another one. We get pizza at the same place every Friday night. Usually it's 2 pizzas and it's about $30. Well, it's probably the software, but when they run my card, there's a spot to add a tip. I just put a line though it and circle the total. Why would I leave a tip? Because the place cooked my pizza? WTF is the $30 for then?

[jingle.boy]

No, that's America / capitalism (and Canada for the most part too).

Vis-a-vis restaurant tipping, food prices are artificially lower because service workers don't have to be paid a decent wage - their pay is tips.  There's all sorts of things wrong with the tipping culture of US/Canada - like if you ordered a $40 bottle of (over-priced) wine, the staff didn't have to work any harder, but automatically get higher pay when the standard is 15%-20% of the bill.

I don't have an issue with enforced tipping - bigger parties are always going to be more effort, and usually will be a bigger pain in the ass.

You're a grumpy fart lately, eh?   

[TAC]

No, that's America / capitalism (and Canada for the most part too).

Vis-a-vis restaurant tipping, food prices are artificially lower because service workers don't have to be paid a decent wage - their pay is tips.  There's all sorts of things wrong with the tipping culture of US/Canada - like if you ordered a $40 bottle of (over-priced) wine, the staff didn't have to work any harder, but automatically get higher pay when the standard is 15%-20% of the bill.

I don't have an issue with enforced tipping - bigger parties are always going to be more effort, and usually will be a bigger pain in the ass.

You're a grumpy fart lately, eh?   

I am! 

But I've always been this way. I caused a huge stir in my college newspaper about tipping once!

It's such a sham. Pay your damn staff, charge me whatever you think you need to charge me. Let me decide if it's worth it.

[wolfking]

In Australia, tipping isn't a thing, whatsoever.  If it were, I wouldn't tip anyone and wouldn't expect to be tipped.  People doing their job getting paid their wage, why would I give them extra for what their already getting paid to do?

[KevShmev]

"urge to smack Tim...rising*

[wolfking]

"urge to smack Tim...rising*

Because he doesn't agree with tipping?

[TAC]

That's how Kev feels in any thread with me.

I'm not against tipping per se. I've raved about some great service and left some good tips. But I am absolutely against expected tips. Going over and above is one thing, but providing me with simply the minimum job you were hired to do should not have to result in me paying a premium.

Going to retrieve my car is your job. You work for the hotel, not for me. They can pay you whatever they deem fit.

[wolfking]

That's how Kev feels in any thread with me.

I'm not against tipping per se. I've raved about some great service and left some good tips. But I am absolutely against expected tips. Going over and above is one thing, but providing me with simply the minimum job you were hired to do should not have to result in me paying a premium.

Going to retrieve my car is your job. You work for the hotel, not for me. They can pay you whatever they deem fit.

Nah, I'm with you 100%.  I mean, we've been out to a nice dinner and it's been exceptional and  if I pay cash, I'll round up a few bucks as a tip, but yeah, we don't have the expected tip thing over here.  If people expected tips, that would give me more of a reason NOT to tip them.

[Cool Chris]

Tim's story reminded me of a thing that always rears its ugly head at the airport.

We park our car in the off-site lot, get on the shuttle bus, the driver may load up one of our bags if our hands are full, he drives 5 minutes to the airport, parks, maybe unloads a bag if our hands are full, and my wife insists we tip him.

Regarding the "Parties of 8 or more..." is it that much more work than 2 parties of 4? The cooks are gonna have to make more food but I don't believe there is an undue expectation it happen just as quickly as if it were a couple. The wait staff will have to make an extra trip or two with the food and clearing plates. But nothing worth a 20% add-on.

And if I can add to the list... having to register on a website to do just about anything. The family wanted to take a train ride, just a local 30 minute trip to a historical train museum. Can I get online and just buy tickets? Nope. Can I call their office and buy tickets? Nope. I gotta register for an account first. I spoke to the office gal and she understood the frustration, said her boss set it up this way so they could store every client's information to sell it for money to make checking out easier for future purchases. And if there is an issue with the trip, they have a way of getting in touch with the clients. Fine, take my email or phone number when I buy tickets. Don't make me set up an account for something I am never, ever going to use again.

[TAC]

And if I can add to the list... having to register on a website to do just about anything. The family wanted to take a train ride, just a local 30 minute trip to a historical train museum. Can I get online and just buy tickets? Nope. Can I call their office and buy tickets? Nope. I gotta register for an account first. I spoke to the office gal and she understood the frustration, said her boss set it up this way so they could store every client's information to sell it for money to make checking out easier for future purchases. And if there is an issue with the trip, they have a way of getting in touch with the clients. Fine, take my email or phone number when I buy tickets. Don't make me set up an account for something I am never, ever going to use again.

I agree with this. Nothing is easy.

[Chino]

I absolutely LAOTHE tipping culture. I hate every single facet of it. First off, for waitstaff, it's a shit game. If my party of four orders waters and four burgers, their tip is like half of what it would be if we got sodas and steak. The amount of work involved was exactly the same, yet the tip amount varies. It sucks for them. Secondly, it's fucking everywhere. When I go to the pizza place down the street and get two slices of pepperoni to-go, there's a tip line on my receipt. For what? The sole purpose of your establishment is to get pizza into my hands. The fact that I got it to-go and didn't require any waitstaff justifies a tip? What? I saved the place money and required LESS work from the employees. You literally did the only thing your business was designed to do. Tip at subway, why? The person's sole job at the counter is to put meats and cheeses on bread and hand it to me. They are getting paid to do that, and their wages are baked into my tab. Why should I give more money? And the line that's drawn is weird. We're expected to tip the pizza staff for handing me my pizza slices, but not the people at the deli counter in the grocery store for handing me my ham slices. And the places with bathrooms with people in them... c'mon.

[KevShmev]

I agree that the tipping culture is out of control with it now happening at places like Subway and whatnot, but when it comes to servers and bartenders, I think it is important to remember that their hourly rate is way below the minimum wage because they are tipped employees. For most of my tenure as a bartender, my weekly check was basically nothing because everything I made was from tips. 

Now, there is a BBQ place I go to here in STL and I tip them like $5 every time, but that is because I go there enough to where most recognize me and they will usually ring me for a kid's meal (so basically my bill which should have been around $15 is like $7), so even with tipping them, I am still saving money vs if they rang me up normal and I tipped them nothing.  Plus, if you are a regular anywhere, tips ensure little things like that. If you are a good tipper and the bar is packed, you are likely to be gotten too quickly.  We had a guy way back who would come in once a week, drink one beer, and leave.  Never tipped a cent.  Not a big deal, because enough others would tip, but if he came in when the bar was busy, he was gonna wait before we got to him, even if that meant getting to others first who got to the bar after him. Just the way it works.

[Adami]

I go to Subway every Tuesday and never even see an option to tip. Maybe it’s different for different locations?

[Chino]

I go to Subway every Tuesday and never even see an option to tip. Maybe it’s different for different locations?

I've never seen it on the receipt, but the two I go to in Hartford have a big bowl at the register for them.