Am I a bad person?

[TheCountOfNYC]

A little backstory: I have been with my girlfriend for two and a half years. She is the love of my life and I plan on marrying her and having a family and future with her someday. I also started a new job back in February and have made a few friends there, all girls around my age.

One of my coworkers told me that she and her boyfriend of six years just broke up. We talked about it for a little bit and I gave her the best advice I could, along the lines of “you guys started dating when you were still a teenager, so use this time to discover who you are as an adult outside of a relationship so you can be the best version of you”. Fast forward to a couple of days later, and she texts me saying that she drank too much and is feeling really down on herself. We start talking about our work schedules and how we wish our schedules lined up more often. She then asks when I’m free to go out for drinks, and me thinking nothing of it, start making plans with her, as in my mind I would be hanging out with a friend. She then starts sending blushing emojis and heart eye emojis and being pretty flirtatious. At this point it’s pretty late so I go to sleep. The next day we’re talking about work again and once again we’re talking about wanting out schedules to line up. She also asks if I’m still on for plans next Thursday, and I say yes. My girlfriend knows about none of this. Only my two best friends know, who I have on standby in case the night takes a weird turn and I need one of them to come and interject into the situation/get me out of there.

Should I feel guilty about this? I absolutely will NOT cheat on my girlfriend, as I’m head over heels in love with her and cheating goes against everything I stand for as a person and for me would be the equivalent of a character suicide. As far as I’m concerned I’m hanging out with a friend, but I’m holding off on telling my girlfriend because even without my friend from work being a little flirty, my girlfriend is a bit insecure and telling her that I have plans with a friend who is a single girl around our age will set her off. I want to hang out with my friend, because even if she makes a move, I won’t reciprocate, and IF she makes a move, I would absolutely tell my girlfriend about that. Still, this is a situation I’ve never dealt with before, and I have no idea if I’m handling things correctly.

[Skeever]

From the outsider's view, I would say that you're already cheating in the emotional/spiritual sense. And I'd imagine we've all been there, even those of us in loving marriages. So, no, you're not a bad person. What's happening to you is very human, and normal. Here you may realize that you have not yet crossed the line that society generally deems, for the most part, to be the "point of no return," i.e., physical intimacy. You still have a chance to turn things around before it gets there.

If you love your girlfriend you need to stop with the games which you know in your heart you are playing and take steps to reverse this situation with the other girl now. Or don't. You aren't a bad person, either way. You need to be honest with yourself about what you really want, though. The situation will progress whether you take action to control the directional arc or not.

[TAC]

I would say that that fact that you're asking the question in the first place should give you your answer.

Are you a bad person? No...not yet. I'd avoid this like the plague if your GF is that important to you.

[Chino]

Not a bad person. But you're being super shady right now and you're prioritizing a friendship with this girl from work over the relationship you're supposed to be having with your life partner. You're going into this hang out knowing 110% well that she's hoping to see your penis. Even if you're not going to cheat, you're playing games with her.

You should post this on r/AmItheAsshole on Reddit. I'd be curious to see what they say.

[bosk1]

I mostly agree with what was said above.  But I'll just add this:  As far as going out for drinks, you point out that you would never cheat on your girlfriend.  I don't doubt that you mean that.  But plenty who have really meant it did something they regret where they went into a situation like what you are describing, and the lines got blurred, and before you know it, you have crossed them.  Why put yourself in a situation where something could go wrong?  Right now, you are friends.  But there has been flirting, and you will be in a social situation where one thing can lead to another.  And you are introducing alcohol into the equation, which increases the likelihood of letting down your guard.  In my humble assessment of the situation, you are playing with fire.  Yeah, if you are as committed as you believe you are, it is unlikely that it will go too far.  But you are willingly putting yourself in a situation where the likelihood is far higher than if you didn't.  Wouldn't it say more about your commitment to your girlfriend if you instead made the choice to, figuratively speaking, build a wall around that relationship with her and protecting it by actively avoiding situations that could either physically go wrong or could at least create the appearance of something that could play to her insecurities and hurt her?

[cramx3]

The fact that you think she may be into you and then you are going through with it without telling your gf is very danger zone IMO.  Also, this being someone you work with means things will get super awkward if she does make a move (whether you reject or not).  Best to not get involved OR tell your gf OR make it a group hang out.  What your current plan is, to me, is setting up for disaster in every direction, I don't see any positive outcomes. 

[CrimsonSunrise]

I have to agree with everyone.  It doesn't make you a bad person, but you're playing with fire for sure.

[King Postwhore]

I think the key line in your OP is "My girlfriend knows about none of this."

If you were honest with yourself and you love the girl you want to marry would you hide this from her?  What I would do is tell her the situation.  Tell the other girl I'd like to bring my girlfriend with us.  There is shows you care about the one you love while care in a different way with a friend.  But if your hiding it from her, you are lying to yourself.

[El Barto]

I would say that that fact that you're asking the question in the first place should give you your answer.

Are you a bad person? No...not yet. I'd avoid this like the plague if your GF is that important to you.

Yep, pretty much this. The fact that it concerns you let's you off the "bad person" hook, but you are being a little naive and really need to rethink this whole thing.

And now for something completely different:

but I’m holding off on telling my girlfriend because. . . telling her that I have plans with a friend who is a single girl around our age will set her off.

Honestly, this is another red flag from my point of view. There is a case to be made that you should be able to hang out with a coworker who's in a bad place, and yet that's not something you're comfortable doing because of your GF's insecurity. Cram suggested making it a group hang, and that was my first thought, as well. Personally, I'd want to include the GF, and if that's not possible then you may well have trouble on two fronts.

[gmillerdrake]

I mostly agree with what was said above.  But I'll just add this:  As far as going out for drinks, you point out that you would never cheat on your girlfriend.  I don't doubt that you mean that.  But plenty who have really meant it did something they regret where they went into a situation like what you are describing, and the lines got blurred, and before you know it, you have crossed them.  Why put yourself in a situation where something could go wrong?  Right now, you are friends.  But there has been flirting, and you will be in a social situation where one thing can lead to another.  And you are introducing alcohol into the equation, which increases the likelihood of letting down your guard.  In my humble assessment of the situation, you are playing with fire.  Yeah, if you are as committed as you believe you are, it is unlikely that it will go too far.  But you are willingly putting yourself in a situation where the likelihood is far higher than if you didn't.  Wouldn't it say more about your commitment to your girlfriend if you instead made the choice to, figuratively speaking, build a wall around that relationship with her and protecting it by actively avoiding situations that could either physically go wrong or could at least create the appearance of something that could play to her insecurities and hurt her?

My thoughts exactly.

Like everyone has said....you're not a 'bad person' but on some level you realize that you're setting yourself up to fail here. Even if you don't physically do anything with her WHEN your GF finds out you spent an evening with a girl co-worker it's not going to end well for you, trust me. You two aren't married and while you may be head over heels in love with one another this whole scenario has disaster written all over it.

I think the key line in your OP is "My girlfriend knows about none of this."

I think you know that if you were to mention this to your GF she'd get upset about it....and rightfully so.

[gmillerdrake]

When my wife and I first met and were dating she soon discovered that I had/have three really close friends that are women. We hung out many times so she could get to know them as well so that when I'd say "I'm meeting Katie for drinks" she didn't have to worry that I was going to sleep with her or something. And, by introducing them I didn't need to 'sneak' around to be able to hang out with my women friends.

Try the honest approach here if you're really just wanting to be there for that girl as a friend. There's nothing wrong with that. But to me....and the way I read your post....this clandestine nature of the whole things leaves too many chances for stuff to go sideways.

[OpenYourEyes311]

This is what you do.

Step 1: Go to girlfriend and say, "Hey, this (lady) friend from work invited me out for drinks, and I accepted without thinking it was weird. I have since come to the conclusion that it MIGHT be weird, and MAYBE this girl has a different idea that I do (which is going out as friends). With all this uncertainty, I've decided I'm not comfortable with going out with her, so I intend to cancel. I wanted to let you know."

Step 2: Cancel with the friend. Wash your hands of that relationship.


It doesn't really matter what your gf says about it (oh, don't worry about it, etc.) It's your decision and it's made.

If you continue down this road you are on, it will get much messier and your life will take a turn.


***the above assumes you want to stay with your gf***
If you don't (which is a totally fine feeling), do what you want, just be honest about it TO EVERYONE. As long as you're honest, you'll be able to live with yourself. You don't need anyone telling you you're a good person. The only one that that really matters to is you. If you can live with yourself, you're good.


NOTE: I've been in this situation many times in my life. I've gone down both paths. I really couldn't tell you what the best course of action was for me at the end of the day, and I REALLY couldn't say what the best course is for you.  But if what you say is true (that your gf is the one you want for the rest of your life), then do what I said in the first place, and I think you'll be alright.

[jingle.boy]

Every single comment above is spot on.  Completely on point.  The only thing I have to add is on top of what Skeever led with ... that you're already 'emotionally/spiritually' cheating.  I don't necessarily agree, but I'll 100% guarantee that your gf will think you are - just from the fact you're hiding it from her ... even though you believe you have good reasons to.  Trust me nothing good is going to come of this.  Even if it's the exact same kind of hang-out you'd do with someone who's got two chromosomes, you hiding this from your gf will automatically and assuredly have her thinking "what else is he hiding".

I was in a very similar situation a number of years back - formed a close friendship with a female.  mrs.jingle knew all about it, but ultimately she felt things were crossing some kind of line.  I wasn't doing anything I wouldn't have done with any ofmy  guy buddies ... but that didn't matter - to mrs.jingle she thought it was getting a little too cozy.  So, I ended the friendship.  Full-stop.

You're not a bad person at all.  But I don't see any outcome out of this that isn't bad.

[hunnus2000]

Every single comment above is spot on.  Completely on point.  The only thing I have to add is on top of what Skeever led with ... that you're already 'emotionally/spiritually' cheating.  I don't necessarily agree, but I'll 100% guarantee that your gf will think you are - just from the fact you're hiding it from her ... even though you believe you have good reasons to. 

What Jingle said in bold. The mere fact that you can't tell your girlfriend is already problematic. I've had and still have friend-girls that to this day I go to lunch with and I always tell my wife.

However, you do need to ask yourself if you're really ready to settle down or do you really want to explore what it could be like with other women. Either way - be honest with yourself and with others.....

[TheCountOfNYC]

I think I’m gonna try to make it a group hang. Part of me thinks there flirting was because she was drinking, and even if I was single, this girl being drunk and hurt from her breakup would keep me away anyway. If I can have a few other friends around as a bit of a buffer while she sorts herself out that would be great, and I think my girlfriend would be a lot more comfortable with a group hangout, because at the end of the day, I do have to keep her in mind when making decisions.

[gmillerdrake]

I think I’m gonna try to make it a group hang. Part of me thinks there flirting was because she was drinking, and even if I was single, this girl being drunk and hurt from her breakup would keep me away anyway. If I can have a few other friends around as a bit of a buffer while she sorts herself out that would be great, and I think my girlfriend would be a lot more comfortable with a group hangout, because at the end of the day, I do have to keep her in mind when making decisions.

make it a group hang AND have your GF there.

[cramx3]

Even if you do the group hang out, you should let your GF know.  What Jingle said is spot on, and others have said as well, about just hiding this alone is going to make problems creep up in your relationship. Putting any sort of crack into your trust is going to lead to issues.


On another note, does this female know you are in a serious relationsshpi?

[Cool Chris]

If you are going to marry this person you two are going to need to figure out how to share things with each other, and that you both are going to have some semblance of lives on our own outside your marriage. I wouldn't want you too figure out down the road you were not able to do something most people would consider reasonable (such as have female friends) because it would set her off.

[Stadler]

I would say that that fact that you're asking the question in the first place should give you your answer.

Are you a bad person? No...not yet. I'd avoid this like the plague if your GF is that important to you.

Yep, pretty much this. The fact that it concerns you let's you off the "bad person" hook, but you are being a little naive and really need to rethink this whole thing.

And now for something completely different:

but I’m holding off on telling my girlfriend because. . . telling her that I have plans with a friend who is a single girl around our age will set her off.

Honestly, this is another red flag from my point of view. There is a case to be made that you should be able to hang out with a coworker who's in a bad place, and yet that's not something you're comfortable doing because of your GF's insecurity. Cram suggested making it a group hang, and that was my first thought, as well. Personally, I'd want to include the GF, and if that's not possible then you may well have trouble on two fronts.

This is where I was sort of leaning.  You clearly seem to have your standards for what is "cheating" and what isn't, but you don't seem to be accounting for your GIRLFRIENDS standards, whatever they are, right wrong or indifferent.   I've learned long ago that if I'm in a committed relationship with someone that trusts me, MY standards don't mean a whole lot if in the process I'm hurting my partner.

[Stadler]

I was in a very similar situation a number of years back - formed a close friendship with a female.  mrs.jingle knew all about it, but ultimately she felt things were crossing some kind of line.  I wasn't doing anything I wouldn't have done with any ofmy  guy buddies ... but that didn't matter - to mrs.jingle she thought it was getting a little too cozy.  So, I ended the friendship.  Full-stop.

There's a tasteless joke in there somewhere.     

[TheCountOfNYC]

Even if you do the group hang out, you should let your GF know.  What Jingle said is spot on, and others have said as well, about just hiding this alone is going to make problems creep up in your relationship. Putting any sort of crack into your trust is going to lead to issues.


On another note, does this female know you are in a serious relationsshpi?

She does. I always talk about my girlfriend in casual conversation because 1) talking about her makes me happy and 2) I try to make sure people know I’m taken, regardless of gender/sexual orientation.

[Stadler]

If I need another thread, so be it, though it's tangentially relevant here:   for the guys that have "close" female friends, be honest:  purely platonic, even in your head?  Never once ever thought about the possibilities? 

Maybe it's me, maybe it's my character, but while I have several female friends, and have no real problem with actual fidelity, I can't honestly say that I've had that many close female friends and didn't at least once think about where things could go.  (Key word is close; it's not as if I'm lusting after every one of my friends' wives; that's not it at all.  I mean women with whom I've had a direct relationship independent of my friend group).

[MinistroRaven]

All the comments above are spot on.

I would do what jingle said and cancel the meeting, if you haven’t tell that girl you have a girlfriend you should do that immediately.

I would say something like: hey, about that meeting we were planning I talked with gf about it, and she is not comfortable with that happening, I love her, and even tho nothing is going to happen between the both of us, I don’t want to make her uncomfortable, so the best for all of us is to cancel the meeting, we can still be friends but we can’t meet alone.

Be honest with your gf, at the end she’s gonna be the one beside you for the rest of your life.

[cramx3]

If I need another thread, so be it, though it's tangentially relevant here:   for the guys that have "close" female friends, be honest:  purely platonic, even in your head?  Never once ever thought about the possibilities? 

Maybe it's me, maybe it's my character, but while I have several female friends, and have no real problem with actual fidelity, I can't honestly say that I've had that many close female friends and didn't at least once think about where things could go.  (Key word is close; it's not as if I'm lusting after every one of my friends' wives; that's not it at all.  I mean women with whom I've had a direct relationship independent of my friend group).

I have very few female friends.  Some of that stems from my long term relationship in the past where my x was very insecure so me even talking to a female would trigger her.  Since then, I can only really say I have one close female friend that I'd have no problem hanging out with solo.  And I never really considered anything more with her.  However, I threw a party many years ago (after my past relationship) and she came to it, we all got really drunk and she asked to spend the night so I offered her to come sleep in my bed.  In the drunken state I was in, I for once actually considered making a move while we slept together in bed (literally slept) but I did not make a move and I think that was a great decision.  Likely would have made our friendship awkward and she's also a family friend.  My brother who lived with me at the time told my mom she slept in my bed that night and my mom called me the next day saying "you better not have had sex with her! That will make things very bad with our families!" 

[Chino]

If I need another thread, so be it, though it's tangentially relevant here:   for the guys that have "close" female friends, be honest:  purely platonic, even in your head?  Never once ever thought about the possibilities? 

Maybe it's me, maybe it's my character, but while I have several female friends, and have no real problem with actual fidelity, I can't honestly say that I've had that many close female friends and didn't at least once think about where things could go.  (Key word is close; it's not as if I'm lusting after every one of my friends' wives; that's not it at all.  I mean women with whom I've had a direct relationship independent of my friend group).

Literally every single one for me, and my coworkers, and many others. 

I'm a guy. Sue me.

[lonestar]

I think I’m gonna try to make it a group hang. Part of me thinks there flirting was because she was drinking, and even if I was single, this girl being drunk and hurt from her breakup would keep me away anyway. If I can have a few other friends around as a bit of a buffer while she sorts herself out that would be great, and I think my girlfriend would be a lot more comfortable with a group hangout, because at the end of the day, I do have to keep her in mind when making decisions.

make it a group hang AND have your GF there.

This is where I was leaning as well. Be up front 100% with your gf about what has transpired, you can even blame any problems on your own stupidity/naivete, but keeping this hidden is basically hiding a time bomb from her, and the explosion will be worse the longer you wait. Lead with 'a coworker was having problems and reached out to me... And this transpired from there'.




You're not a bad person btw... Just growing and learning.

[Stadler]

If I need another thread, so be it, though it's tangentially relevant here:   for the guys that have "close" female friends, be honest:  purely platonic, even in your head?  Never once ever thought about the possibilities? 

Maybe it's me, maybe it's my character, but while I have several female friends, and have no real problem with actual fidelity, I can't honestly say that I've had that many close female friends and didn't at least once think about where things could go.  (Key word is close; it's not as if I'm lusting after every one of my friends' wives; that's not it at all.  I mean women with whom I've had a direct relationship independent of my friend group).

Literally every single one for me, and my coworkers, and many others. 

I'm a guy. Sue me.

Haha, represent you!   

[King Postwhore]

I had a friend that is drop dead gorgeous.  My mom even asked me why Didn't I date her.  I saw her too much as a friend.  Sure I'm a dude but I just wouldn't cross that line.  My wife loves her.  we hung out for the first time before the pandemic with another old friend and her sister. We had a blast in Portsmouth, N.H.  But still, it was a group thing.



Edit: Lonestar.  Love your last sentence.

[lonestar]

Edit: Lonestar.  Love your last sentence.

Yeah.. After I typed the rest, I feel that needed to be poi ted out.


Relatable experience... Two of my closest friends ate women, and both are stunning. When I started dating my last gf, I could smell the jealousy on her right away. I had to be 100% honest with her how much these ladies were a part of my life, and that any relationship with me would involve them in some way or another. The new gf grudgingly accepted it, and eventually grew to love them as much as I do. Point being, with all out honesty, you save so many problems.

[Elite]

Two of my closest friends ate women

[hefdaddy42]

AM I a bad person?

Wrong question.  Most people who do bad things aren't bad persons, and you likely aren't either.

But proceeding with this course of action without telling your girlfriend would be a bad thing to do.

[lonestar]

Two of my closest friends ate women

Oops 

One of them is bi so....

[gmillerdrake]

If I need another thread, so be it, though it's tangentially relevant here:   for the guys that have "close" female friends, be honest:  purely platonic, even in your head?  Never once ever thought about the possibilities? 

Maybe it's me, maybe it's my character, but while I have several female friends, and have no real problem with actual fidelity, I can't honestly say that I've had that many close female friends and didn't at least once think about where things could go.  (Key word is close; it's not as if I'm lusting after every one of my friends' wives; that's not it at all.  I mean women with whom I've had a direct relationship independent of my friend group).

Two of the three I spoke about I've had a relationship with in the past. In both instances the 'intimate' relationship was due to how close we were as friends......we took it to the next level and discovered that the friendship was better.....so we ended it and that was that. And oddly enough, it was never awkward afterwards in either instance. It was just back to being friends.

[OpenYourEyes311]

Two of my closest friends ate women

Oops 

One of them is bi so....

Giggity.

[MoraWintersoul]

Mmmm, the "whether I'm cheating on my girlfriend"-question isn't the most interesting part of this conversation, because you aren't (though I would advise you to try and make sure you can openly have a female friend and make plans with her without your GF seeing it as some sort of red flag). This girl knows you have a GF, and is still, uh, openly thirsting for you and flirting. She may already think you accepted the flirtation but even if she figures out you were just oblivious, things might get really awkward at work with her. I would advise you to unalign those schedules if they do align, just in case, so you guys don't have to look at each other and go "uhm. so." every couple of minutes.