Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[Stadler]

And like I said, that right there is so important. Your confidence level totally comes through even if you don't want it to. I'm a firm believer in taking some time to work on your own shit, whatever it is, if you need to. Sure it's nice to have someone, but it's not sustainable if you're in a bad place or feeling crappy about yourself. I think that's why I've mostly been keeping to myself lately, despite the fact that I am dating people casually. It's not my confidence that needs work right now, just my mental state. Work has been kinda shitty and is always exhausting, and I really don't have a lot to give to others right now. It's not right or wrong, it just is. It's about recognizing that stuff and doing what you can to "fix" it before dragging another person inot your shit.

Totally feel you on that Jackie.  You've stated almost exactly how I feel and kind of the state of mind I am in right now, if I can't take this time to invest in myself then I can't give that time to invest in someone else.  Thinking back, I went from a nine year relationship with one girl to a year and a half with maybe 20 different dates in that time coupled with the 79,000 miles traveled mostly for work.  That's kind of a big change and a lifestyle that maybe I was and am not prepared for.  So it is what it is and I'm going to push through.  I'm hoping by Memorial Day I am feeling good about my body (and in my mind) and ready to hit the summer hard with my new beach bod 

Well, I stand by my idea (because it's a relaxed atmosphere and for me the dating sites are too intense and focused) but I think what you and Jackie are talking about is most important.  No one wants to date someone else's problems or insecurities, so you DO have to have yourself in a good place.  That's one thing for me; I knew my divorce was coming, I was okay with it (except for what it meant to my kid) so while I had my doubts about the dating viability of a slightly heavy, 46 year-old guy with a 14 year-old who's way smarter than he is good looking, I knew that I had nothing to lose and I was comfortable in my own skin.  Plus I will literally talk to ANYONE so that part is easy for me.

[Stadler]

I knew that was going to be your response. However, I've been down that road. The answer I get is, "oh, I do want to hang out. I've just been busy." A week later. Same question. Same response. And I get dragged on for weeks until she finally decides to say what the truth was all along and she just felt bad telling me. Doing it my way forces her to either let it go because it doesn't really matter or act concerned that we haven't spoken. You get a truer response when someone is obligated to make the first step. At least that's how I've seen it in my experiences.

But you're no pushover.  You're no patsy.  I know from watching you here.  It's not JUST asking a question, it's asking the RIGHT question.   Granted, you don't ask on a first date "Ok, so we're committed, and we're in this for the long haul, right?"  But after some time, there is the opportunity to ask thoughtful, deeper questions.  I know for me, with my wife, it was a couple weeks or so (I'm guessing) and we were talking about exes and I made a comment about "auditioning for the job of [boyfriend/significant other]" as a way to put out there that I understand that things have to progress, but to communicate my intention.  Funny thing, a couple weeks later I got a text, out of the blue, saying "BTW, You're hired".   It was our "language" so to speak.   Personally, I would have no problem asking something along the lines of "So, here's what I'm hearing... blah, blah, blah... is that what you're saying?" Or if it's your style, make a joke out of it: "Hey, I only have three more invites on my card; if you're really interested, I'm going to have to recharge the card if I'm going to keep asking you out" (yeah, I know, that's stupid, but I'm spitballing). 

EDIT: I just read the rest of the exchange.  Honestly, and with respect, I think Cram is right.   You're kind of looking at this only through the "Prog Snob" lenses.   What about looking at it from her perspective?  Maybe she was as honest with you as she can be?   Maybe she's scared - or feels it's disrespectful - to tell you "yeah, I really like you but I'm sort of in limbo with this other guy" (the target of the Facebook post).   I say this nicely, and not to you directly Prog Snob, but it's a little arrogant to think that these women are only talking to you. 

To me, you're only a lap dog if you feel like a lap dog.   

[Prog Snob]

I knew that was going to be your response. However, I've been down that road. The answer I get is, "oh, I do want to hang out. I've just been busy." A week later. Same question. Same response. And I get dragged on for weeks until she finally decides to say what the truth was all along and she just felt bad telling me. Doing it my way forces her to either let it go because it doesn't really matter or act concerned that we haven't spoken. You get a truer response when someone is obligated to make the first step. At least that's how I've seen it in my experiences.

But you're no pushover.  You're no patsy.  I know from watching you here.  It's not JUST asking a question, it's asking the RIGHT question.   Granted, you don't ask on a first date "Ok, so we're committed, and we're in this for the long haul, right?"  But after some time, there is the opportunity to ask thoughtful, deeper questions.  I know for me, with my wife, it was a couple weeks or so (I'm guessing) and we were talking about exes and I made a comment about "auditioning for the job of [boyfriend/significant other]" as a way to put out there that I understand that things have to progress, but to communicate my intention.  Funny thing, a couple weeks later I got a text, out of the blue, saying "BTW, You're hired".   It was our "language" so to speak.   Personally, I would have no problem asking something along the lines of "So, here's what I'm hearing... blah, blah, blah... is that what you're saying?" Or if it's your style, make a joke out of it: "Hey, I only have three more invites on my card; if you're really interested, I'm going to have to recharge the card if I'm going to keep asking you out" (yeah, I know, that's stupid, but I'm spitballing). 

EDIT: I just read the rest of the exchange.  Honestly, and with respect, I think Cram is right.   You're kind of looking at this only through the "Prog Snob" lenses.   What about looking at it from her perspective?  Maybe she was as honest with you as she can be?   Maybe she's scared - or feels it's disrespectful - to tell you "yeah, I really like you but I'm sort of in limbo with this other guy" (the target of the Facebook post).   I say this nicely, and not to you directly Prog Snob, but it's a little arrogant to think that these women are only talking to you. 

To me, you're only a lap dog if you feel like a lap dog.

I'm being protective of myself right now. I don't want to be in another relationship where I'm pushed to the side, so I'm just being careful about how vulnerable I make myself. I will try to adjust it a bit more to see it from her perspective, but is she looking at it from mine? She knows what I've been through also, so there needs to be an understanding between us. My last two relationships were so damn lopsided, I forgot who I was for a while.

I'm going to message her and just see what I can get from her. Maybe she's thinking exactly the same thing as me.

[Stadler]

^^^ Wouldn't surprise me. 

Ultimately, I know you have to do what's right for you first.    I'm not a stalker, I'm not pushy (at all) but I'm always reluctant to let it fade out of inertia or ennui. 

[King Postwhore]

John, don't close yourself off from the chance to date, just be gaurded when you date. You need to throw yourself out there.  Maybe change your selection process.

[Prog Snob]

Something will need to be adjusted. You're right.

[King Postwhore]

My brother complained that when using a dating site, girls he wanted a second date with did not and girls that wanted a second date with him he was not interested in them. I told him he was looking for perfection and you'll never find that person if you narrow your field.   

[Prog Snob]

It's not even that. I've actually messaged just about every woman on the site in my area. 

[King Postwhore]

Your fingers must be cramped.


Hey, a double entendre!

[Prog Snob]

Holy fuck balls! You spelled a foreign word correct. 

[King Postwhore]

98% retention 68% spelling. 

[Prog Snob]

 

[King Postwhore]

 

[cramx3]

Had an interesting Saturday afternoon.  Went to the Avantasia concert in NYC Friday and spent the night in the city, that evening I was messaging a girl on Tinder who I've mostly just been bs conversationing with.  She asked to meet up, I was way too drunk after the concert to head downtown to see her, but we ended up meeting and walking through central park Saturday afternoon.  She is 24 and brought her 19 year old cousin  Not to sound like a creep, but the cousin was really cute.  Anyway, just talked and walked four about 2 hours and went our separate ways.  Pretty much just a friendly meeting, I'm not sure I'll ever see her again (nor do I really care), but it was really nice, fun, and spontaneous.

[King Postwhore]

Worth the meet up. You never know.

[Prog Snob]

She's seeing someone else!   

[King Postwhore]

Next on sir. Don't give up. 

[cramx3]

She's seeing someone else!   

sorry man, that is terrible

[Prog Snob]

When I asked her why she couldn't tell me in the beginning, she said she didn't think it was that big of a deal since we had just started talking. I pointed out to her the irony of that quote she put up. She avoided the question after that and went back to saying that she was still uncomfortable with me being her friend's ex. I told her that she wasn't uncomfortable going out to dinner with me or accepting the flowers I sent her or rejecting me every day for a week straight. She knew what I was going after, regardless of her feelings on the matter, so she should have just spoke up.

[Sacul]

Congrats Sacul!

Thanks! I'll later update you with the situation as I'd really like some advice on certain stuff since it's my (and hers) first time on something like this, and don't want to screw up

Oops, forgot to update on this

I promise to do so later, but by now know that we're officially a couple and I'm a happy lad 

[cramx3]

When I asked her why she couldn't tell me in the beginning, she said she didn't think it was that big of a deal since we had just started talking. I pointed out to her the irony of that quote she put up. She avoided the question after that and went back to saying that she was still uncomfortable with me being her friend's ex. I told her that she wasn't uncomfortable going out to dinner with me or accepting the flowers I sent her or rejecting me every day for a week straight. She knew what I was going after, regardless of her feelings on the matter, so she should have just spoke up.

Reminds me a bit of the girl I was trying to date some months ago.  Kept backing out on the plans then finally said she was seeing her x again (after guaranteeing she was not wasting my time).  And like you, the only reason I kept hanging on was because I thought she was a really cool person.  Sucks big time.  But now you know the truth.

Worth the meet up. You never know.

Definitely, never bad to have an extra friend.  You never know is right.

[Prog Snob]

Exactly. So, now it's time to get back to the search.

[Chino]

Probably sounding like a little bitch here, but I really miss the hell out of my girlfriend. This weekend was super weird in her absence. I can't imaging being married to someone for like 50 years and then have them die.

[cramx3]

Probably sounding like a little bitch here, but I really miss the hell out of my girlfriend. This weekend was super weird in her absence. I can't imaging being married to someone for like 50 years and then have them die.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  As much as you miss your gf, it's great that you feel that way.  You know you got something good.

[JayOctavarium]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Or in some cases the absence makes you realize how well you would do alone adn would be better off keeping it that way. And then she gets home and shit turns into a fucked up fighting ball of fucked up ness and you just dread coming home from work every day and... ok I'll shut up I amy be a tad drunk

[Prog Snob]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Or in some cases the absence makes you realize how well you would do alone adn would be better off keeping it that way. And then she gets home and shit turns into a fucked up fighting ball of fucked up ness and you just dread coming home from work every day and... ok I'll shut up I amy be a tad drunk

I don't think that's the whole quote...

[cramx3]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Or in some cases the absence makes you realize how well you would do alone adn would be better off keeping it that way. And then she gets home and shit turns into a fucked up fighting ball of fucked up ness and you just dread coming home from work every day and... ok I'll shut up I amy be a tad drunk

I think I am having deja vu

[cramx3]

So I ended up on another random walk through a park with a girl.  One of the few girls I have just casually been chatting with and have no real intentions on anything more than just chat, but yesterday was the first time she was really actively talking for most of the day to me, it had been a message here and there, but yesterday she just seemed to want to talk.  Whatever, I was bored so I talked.  When I got home from work, I hopped onto my exercise bike and found she sent me a message, wanting to meet up for a walk.  If she had asked to go for a beer or anything else I would have said no, because I honestly didn't really care too much about meeting with this girl, just was a nice person to talk to.  BUT she wanted to go for a walk, and I've been wanting to get into better shape and it was a beautiful evening... so we did it.  Went to the local park and walked and talked for a good hour.  It was nice, just chatting and meeting someone new who seems like a really nice genuine girl.  She is however 39 which I think is a bit older than I really am interested in.  I couldn't gage how interested she was in me (I was actually hoping she wasn't) but she had a few really nice TMs after that make me think she might be.  I really enjoyed the walk and talk, it was a great way to get my exercise in, but I'm thinking if she wants to chill again, it might have to strictly be for walk and talks for now because I am not interested in anything more serious.

I do find it funny how in less than a week I've gone on two random walk n talks with strangers through parks.  I think I actually like this better than grabbing a drink honestly (assuming nice weather). 

[bout to crash]

Yeah, that's a nice way to spend a day!

I signed on to OKC for the first time in a while and got a bunch of messages. I'm feeling kinda meh about it but one guy wants to go to some Mediterranean restaurant near me and I'm okay with that. One guy lives in DE but is probably moving to CO and has pet kangaroos! I kinda wanna keep that door open just so I can meet them

[cramx3]

Kangaroos!  That would be cool.  I wonder how one keeps kangaroos as pets though.

[bout to crash]

That's a great question. I'm gonna ask him right now haha. Think I got a notification that he messaged me a bit ago.

[The Trooper]

Hop to it!

[bout to crash]

He said the babies graze all day but sleep inside in pouches, and the big one stays outside all the time but has a heater for cold nights. Fascinating!

[cramx3]

He said the babies graze all day but sleep inside in pouches, and the big one stays outside all the time but has a heater for cold nights. Fascinating!

Indeed.  I love animals so I'd be leeching to this to try and get to play with one 

[bout to crash]

Yeah, totally. He said he won't be moving here til fall though