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General => General Discussion => Topic started by: Nick on August 22, 2014, 08:51:27 AM
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Old one here: https://www.dreamtheaterforums.org/boards/index.php?topic=32708.0
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The Lonely Hearts Thread v. Irgin Forever
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The Lonely Hearts Thread v. The Strong Grip.
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The Lonely Hearts Thread v. The Strong Grip.
Seconded
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The Lonely Hearts thread v. Once, twice, three times a lady
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v. I'm not lonely, I'm just picky
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v. my standards are too high
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My body doesn't care where my hand has been.
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v. The Freemen
or v. The Freemasons
Either way, I'm without a ball and chain, but my heart is full of the pervs and my stress level is at a minimum... Also I'm not lonely. So...a new thread beckons... A new age. An age of... The Freemen.
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Hey folks, Mister Gold reporting in for assistance!
In the past, I have had a habit of being infatuated with very attractive gals who I thought I got along well with and had things in common with them, only to eventually realize that there wasn't much in common between us that really mattered. Some friends have told me before that I aim out of my league, which in the past has been a fair enough criticism, though I don't think I'm too bad looking myself.
I hadn't really been looking for a girlfriend lately, considering I just started college and all, though I had made a few friends of the opposite sex here since my arrival.
But a week ago, I was at the first meeting of the college students' Film Makers club and while I was there, I ran into this really attractive girl who was there too. We didn't get to talk for too long, but I was really impressed with her knowledge of various different movies and was really impressed that she was a fan of MST3K/Rifftrax (I hadn't really run into any other fans besides myself in person before). Afterwards, I cooled down my thoughts and not really think much of anything relating to her (aside from the fact that I knew we were both going to go see a school screening of The Grand Budapest Hotel later that week). Also I have her to thank for being the final push in my searching out and finally watching A Clockwork Orange for the first time (she loves that movie).
After all, I knew she was attractive, but I've learned a little bit from my past crushes. I want to be in a relationship with someone who challenges me and makes life interesting and what-not. Someone with an actual legitimate personality to them that coincides with my own and be someone who I could grow tremendously from even I only ended up just being friends with them.
So I went to see TGBH the other night (btw, it's one helluva movie) and sure enough, she arrived too! I'd hoped to sit next to her, but another girl that seemed to be casual friends with the small group of friends and acquaintances that we were with ended sitting right between the two of us. Still, we spoke a lot before and after the movie and I was only more impressed with her personality. This lady is downright hysterical!
Me: By any chance, are you a fan of reading? :)
Her: *deadpan/sarcastic* No, I'm completely illiterate.
Me: ... *slightly nervous*
Her: *breaks out laughing* No, I'm kidding! I'm actually aiming to be a Creative Writing major!
Now, the preceding dialogue might not seem to be very funny, but it was one of those you-had-to-be-there-to-see-it moments. I can't stop thinking about it and it cracks me up whenever I do. Like I said, we ended up talking a fair bit more even after the movie had ended and took a nice walk across campus (albeit with the other members of our party) to try and see if there was any food joint that was open nearby.
Which brings us to last night... we'd both planned to go to a screening of the original Night of the Living Dead that was being done by the same film group that was responsible for our meeting. I'd arrived a little early, just so that I'd know that I was at the right place. She had said before that she'd probably be a bit late, but she ended up texting me early asking where the meeting was and showed up well-before the screening started too.
As it turned out, she was fighting a rather nasty cold, but it didn't really bother me. We talked some more about films, shows and books and she continued to impress me. For example, this girl? Her favorite vampire movies are Let the Right One In and F.W. Murnau's classic Nosferatu. And she brought up MST3K/Rifftrax again too, which was awesome. We ended up sitting next to one another on the floor, watching the movie.
As luck/fate/karma/whatever you call it would have it, I woke up this morning and realized that I had caught that cold she'd had last night too. More than a little gross and unfortunate, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to take that as a good sign or a bad one. It's never happened to me before, much like how much she's completely blown me away by her personality and personal interests.
So, DTF, I turn to you all and ask for your sagely advice and guidance. What should I do next?
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You've never caught a cold before? :lol :P ... It sounds like you're reading into the most minute of details, which is usually a sign that you may have the classic 'love-bug delusion' that has no doubt afflicted every single penis on this forum at one point or another. What's got me raising one eyebrow is that you're taking the fact that you caught a cold from her as a 'sign'... I dunno, I'm not trying to be condescending but that seems a little, well, delusional. Not in a 'lol dummy' way, we're ALL fuckin' deluded when it comes to women, even the old, saggy mofos here who know a thing or two. But...I think it would behoove you to really look at what you're seeing as a sign as simple science... There's no sign in that, no bigger meaning. Then again this is my view, and clearly I am not an advocate of the fates, or cupid, or any other phantasmal aspect of romanticism and meeting 'THE ONE'. But it sounds like you might get hurt, and my advice would be to tread lightly (/walterwhite).
Y'know, see where it goes, keep it light, and for the sake of your emotional state and concentrating on school (we all know how fun it is to try and study/work while in emotional distress), don't comb over every little detail as if it means something poignant. That last part is almost impossible if you're infatuated enough but it may save you a lot of heartache if you can control it. In my experience, if a woman wants you to know she's into you, even if she's on the shyer side, it'll be pretty darn clear. When men dissect every possible meaning to a look, a touch, a simple little thing that turns into this big internal debacle, it more often than not leads to a crummy feeling. Who knows, she may be thinking the same as you right now? She could also just as easily not be thinking about it at all. Sucks to think about, but it'll suck even more to put something on a pedestal that ends up having to be taken down.
Just my view from the story presented. Best of luck. I'm off to chase my own love...
Money.
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No, I've caught colds before. Just never from someone I liked. You're totally right though, that's definitely reading in too much. You bring up another good point about love delusions, which is something that I'm trying to avoid. I'm just surprised by how much she keeps impressing me.
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So, DTF, I turn to you all and ask for your sagely advice and guidance. What should I do next?
Ask her out for a cup of coffee, beer or something, just the two of you and not before or after a movie thing you were going to do anyway. You pay. If things go well, ask her out to dinner or to do some other date-like thing. Unless she's clueless she'll understand what you're going for. Don't wait too long, because if she is interested in you, you don't want her to move on before you get the guts to ask her. If she's not into you, that's not super likely to change anyway.
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Okcupid is going pretty horribly.
Women who initially message me never respond back when I respond to them.
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Still no updates from my love interest at work. The only one was Dr. Pepper has a flavor out for the summer called Dr. Pepper Vanilla Float and it was impossible to find around here in Minnesota. She found one in a gas station and came into work the next day and said she bought one for me. Small and insignificant, but all summer long we had talked about that flavor and how we could never find it, so it was cool that she thought of me when she found it.
We were looking at my truck the other day and I was talking about how I polished some rust out of the chrome and that I enjoy doing those things to which she responded that her dad would love me. Another small detail that doesn't mean much but was still cool to hear. Initially when she was telling me about her dad I was unsure, he's a trucker and takes off November to hunt and for some reason I wasn't sure. Apparently I'd get along with her brothers too. She talks about her family a lot with me and introduced me to her sister when she came into our store.
The only negative that has happened recently isn't really a negative but we were talking about an employee at our store who is 27 and dating a 35 year old. When she heard that, she looked at me and said "What could he possibly have in common with a 35 year old?" Which kind of made me think she wouldn't be interested in me since we are nine years apart (20 vs 29). But I didn't read too much into that.
Sorry for the long post. Just nothing has really happened, just updating on recent stuff.
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It's interesting being single again after having been in a lengthy relationship. Not in a bad way, just... interesting. I was worried about the cats at first, but they've settled back into their routines quite nicely. Only thing is that Jynx (the younger girl cat) seemed to really settle down upon hearing loud music today before I left for work. :lol Other than that, I'm excited to see what the future holds.
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Aww, kitties. They'll be aiight.
I haven't posted in one of these threads in ages. Some of you know Tony and I were a legit couple for several years (about five?) and then we sorta took a "break" but continued to see each other once or twice a year (we live in different states). Well, that went on for three years without us ever talking about the elephant in the room. He came out here recently and I initiated a talk about where we were at and where we're going. I told him I don't see myself in any kind of committed relationship in the near future or maybe ever (not sure I'm wired that way) and that I don't want him to feel held back if that's what he wants. I don't know if I ever want to settle down, have a family, any of that, and I don't want to keep him from finding those things if he wants them. He doesn't really seem committed to much other than work right now and said he was okay with the way things are now, just wishes we'd see each other more. So we're gonna try to do that (meaning I may be coming back to Austin soon, Deb :D). Meanwhile I have been seeing people here but never letting anyone get too close. I sorta think I'm gonna end up as an old spinster/cat lady, which is fine by me. I'm stubborn and independent and don't want to rely on someone else, don't really want to share my space with other people, and so on. I know this could change in the future, but it seems to be more true with time.
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OMG!!!
MOAR TEH JACKIEH VISITZ!!! :panicattack: :lol
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I'm still in the club. I haven't really been actively looking for a relationship. I still have an online dating profile but that never gets used. I think I (finally) have gotten used to being single. Moving back closer to family helped a bit also.
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So, I'm not sure this belongs in this thread, but I just got back from a concert where I waited more than an hour to chat with the two artists. And frankly, I only did that to chat and shake hands with one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, Nataly Dawn.
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So this one gal from OKcupid added me on facebook and we haven't talked since. I should probably make a move.
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So, I'm not sure this belongs in this thread, but I just got back from a concert where I waited more than an hour to chat with the two artists. And frankly, I only did that to chat and shake hands with one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, Nataly Dawn.
Pomplamoose!
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Yup. That woman is even more stunning in real life than on YouTube. She's also quite tall (would put her at 5'9'' or more), which makes it even better.
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Still no updates from my love interest at work. The only one was Dr. Pepper has a flavor out for the summer called Dr. Pepper Vanilla Float and it was impossible to find around here in Minnesota. She found one in a gas station and came into work the next day and said she bought one for me. Small and insignificant, but all summer long we had talked about that flavor and how we could never find it, so it was cool that she thought of me when she found it.
We were looking at my truck the other day and I was talking about how I polished some rust out of the chrome and that I enjoy doing those things to which she responded that her dad would love me. Another small detail that doesn't mean much but was still cool to hear. Initially when she was telling me about her dad I was unsure, he's a trucker and takes off November to hunt and for some reason I wasn't sure. Apparently I'd get along with her brothers too. She talks about her family a lot with me and introduced me to her sister when she came into our store.
The only negative that has happened recently isn't really a negative but we were talking about an employee at our store who is 27 and dating a 35 year old. When she heard that, she looked at me and said "What could he possibly have in common with a 35 year old?" Which kind of made me think she wouldn't be interested in me since we are nine years apart (20 vs 29). But I didn't read too much into that.
Sorry for the long post. Just nothing has really happened, just updating on recent stuff.
It's those little things that add up sometimes, though. Don't overlook them.
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Yup. That woman is even more stunning in real life than on YouTube. She's also quite tall (would put her at 5'9'' or more), which makes it even better.
She looks a bit too much like the love child of Justin Beiber and Beck for my taste.
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It's those little things that add up sometimes, though. Don't overlook them.
It's good to hear that. Yeah, and that's basically what this whole thing has been. Little things that have added up. On this current schedule at work, I had the entire week off and she took the weekend off so last Saturday was the last time we were going to work together for awhile (Monday 29th). I said that to her and she goes "Really?" Looks at the schedule and sees that "That's a long time until I see you again" It was a small thing like that that gives me hope that the feelings are mutual. She also said that maybe she'll be moved in to the upstairs apartment by that time--which has no importance to me besides the fact that we were going to go out to dinner when she did, so I take her saying that as a reference to that.
It ended up that I had to fill in for someone on Monday, so I ended up seeing her the other day and then I had to drop something off yesterday, so I saw her twice this week. I said to her yesterday: "Now seriously, I'll see you next Monday." She smiles and says: "I don't believe you" I told her let's make a bet "Our favorite candy bar that you won't see me until Monday." She agreed.
I feel lame that a week apart made me feel sad.... It's just a week, but it felt like it would be longer :lol
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It's those little things that add up sometimes, though. Don't overlook them.
It's good to hear that. Yeah, and that's basically what this whole thing has been. Little things that have added up. On this current schedule at work, I had the entire week off and she took the weekend off so last Saturday was the last time we were going to work together for awhile (Monday 29th). I said that to her and she goes "Really?" Looks at the schedule and sees that "That's a long time until I see you again" It was a small thing like that that gives me hope that the feelings are mutual. She also said that maybe she'll be moved in to the upstairs apartment by that time--which has no importance to me besides the fact that we were going to go out to dinner when she did, so I take her saying that as a reference to that.
It ended up that I had to fill in for someone on Monday, so I ended up seeing her the other day and then I had to drop something off yesterday, so I saw her twice this week. I said to her yesterday: "Now seriously, I'll see you next Monday." She smiles and says: "I don't believe you" I told her let's make a bet "Our favorite candy bar that you won't see me until Monday." She agreed.
I feel lame that a week apart made me feel sad.... It's just a week, but it felt like it would be longer :lol
I probably didn't read any of your posts in the other thread but have you been on a date with her yet?
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Yup. That woman is even more stunning in real life than on YouTube. She's also quite tall (would put her at 5'9'' or more), which makes it even better.
She looks a bit too much like the love child of Justin Beiber and Beck for my taste.
I have definitely noticed, particularly with Americans, that short hair on women kinda freaks them out. Almost as if they're afraid they might find themselves gay because the girl they date has a slightly boyish look.
I think it looks great on women.
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I don't get it either. Although to be fair the two women I have had the most interest in had inverted bobs, I think they are hot.
(https://media-cache-cd0.pinimg.com/236x/72/b5/ae/72b5ae8378d45caac51147694fce9e47.jpg)
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I probably didn't read any of your posts in the other thread but have you been on a date with her yet?
We're going to grab dinner one night soon, once she moves into the apartment above our store. She lives at home right now, which is an hour away from work. I don't know if she is considering it a date or just hanging out, and I never called it a date. The manner in which I asked her might be considered a date. She said she'd never been to this restaurant one day at work and a few days later, I said to her: "So you've never been to this place?" She said no to which I said: "Well, I was thinking that you and I should go one night after work or a day off." She said yes and since then it's been a matter of waiting.
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Yup. That woman is even more stunning in real life than on YouTube. She's also quite tall (would put her at 5'9'' or more), which makes it even better.
She looks a bit too much like the love child of Justin Beiber and Beck for my taste.
I have definitely noticed, particularly with Americans, that short hair on women kinda freaks them out. Almost as if they're afraid they might find themselves gay because the girl they date has a slightly boyish look.
I think it looks great on women.
What does short hair have to do with it?
No, I just dont like women that look like Justin Beiber. Short hair is fine and can be hella sexy. Looking like Justin Beiber....not so much.
But it is just my opinion. Catherine Bell is one of my Fav's and she has short hair at times.
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I probably didn't read any of your posts in the other thread but have you been on a date with her yet?
We're going to grab dinner one night soon, once she moves into the apartment above our store. She lives at home right now, which is an hour away from work. I don't know if she is considering it a date or just hanging out, and I never called it a date. The manner in which I asked her might be considered a date. She said she'd never been to this restaurant one day at work and a few days later, I said to her: "So you've never been to this place?" She said no to which I said: "Well, I was thinking that you and I should go one night after work or a day off." She said yes and since then it's been a matter of waiting.
Why wait, if you don't mind me asking?
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Because of her living situation. She travels to and from work an hour away (so the commute is two hours total) and works nights, so when she's done at work it's 10 at night. Or other days it's ending at 8 and I don't work days since I'm back in school. Once she's finished moving upstairs, which is in the next few days, we'll be 10 minutes away from each other. It just wouldn't make sense to have her travel down on a day off. When she's moved upstairs it'll be easier for both of us, since we can go on a day off and enjoy ourselves.
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Because of her living situation. She travels to and from work an hour away (so the commute is two hours total) and works nights, so when she's done at work it's 10 at night. Or other days it's ending at 8 and I don't work days since I'm back in school. Once she's finished moving upstairs, which is in the next few days, we'll be 10 minutes away from each other. It just wouldn't make sense to have her travel down on a day off. When she's moved upstairs it'll be easier for both of us, since we can go on a day off and enjoy ourselves.
Do you object to driving her home? What about meeting her after work and taking her for coffee or something simple? Just an idea. I'm not sure how easy traveling is for you.
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Do you object to driving her home? What about meeting her after work and taking her for coffee or something simple? Just an idea. I'm not sure how easy traveling is for you.
It's crossed my mind before. I just don't want to be too pushy. We're coworkers, so I don't want to come on too strong. We've said that we're going to grab dinner and have talked about it recently so it's not like she's forgotten or at least I hope not. Once she's moved in upstairs, I think the sky is the limit to what we can do.
I like the suggestions though. It's definitely crossed my mind. I just don't want to blow it by being pushy. This is the first time that it's actually going my way, so I'm bring delicate about how I handle it. There's definitely something between us, and I don't want to snuff out that flame.
And no, I have no objections to driving her home, but I don't think she'd want me to drive out to pick her up and then come back. With our schedules, it's best with her being upstairs and me being at school. It's simpler for both parties.
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That sounds fair enough. I hope it works out for you. Otherwise, you can woo her with some romantic verses from Metropolis Part I.
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That sounds fair enough. I hope it works out for you. Otherwise, you can woo her with some romantic verses from Metropolis Part I.
I hope it does too. I haven't felt this way for someone in a while, so I'm hoping it does. But yeah, if it doesn't, I can say to her: "But wait, there must be the third and last dance.."
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That sounds fair enough. I hope it works out for you. Otherwise, you can woo her with some romantic verses from Metropolis Part I.
I hope it does too. I haven't felt this way for someone in a while, so I'm hoping it does. But yeah, if it doesn't, I can say to her: "But wait, there must be the third and last dance.."
Or you can refer to the good old Count of Tuscany. "Get into my car, let's go for a drive. Along the way I'll be your guide, just step inside."
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I'm desperately and pathetically afraid of being alone. I am also to introverted and afraid of social situations to ever be able to change being alone.
I really hate my life.
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I'm desperately and pathetically afraid of being alone. I am also to introverted and afraid of social situations to ever be able to change being alone.
I really hate my life.
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And for once I want to feel truely wanted. Needed. Is that too much to ask for? Because I feel lik even when I thought I was... I really wasn't. I've apparently always been expendable. Replaceable.
It hurts. A lot.
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Just got back from a date, gooood stuff. Really cute, Dutch, likes rock climbing, and has a PhD in Applied Physics. And, she wants to meet again.
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Sounds like your dream woman :lol
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Friday may finally be the day we grab dinner. I see her next on Tuesday. She finally moved in yesterday to the apartment. I'm nervous to ask her. We talked about it last week where I asked her if it was okay if we went out on a day off to which she said that was fine (she preferred it that way). I'm just afraid that a week since she moved in may be too soon to ask. I'm pretty sure she'll say yes, but I think it's the nerves that this may finally be happening is getting to me.
I just want it to be Tuesday so I can ask.
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Just got back from a date, gooood stuff. Really cute, Dutch, likes rock climbing, and has a PhD in Applied Physics. And, she wants to meet again.
Ask if her immovable object would like to meet with your irresistible force.
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Or is she thinks she could see you coming If you moved at the speed of light :|
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*awaits ban notification*
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Hey guys...
So...I'm finally free! I decided to pursue something with a friend I had a few years ago, from college. We kept in touch and had a good connection, so I thought, why not? She's very pretty, too.
I asked her if she was interested and she said yes! She's not my gf but we are in the "seeing each other" phase.
The difficult thing is it is long distance but...well, I guess I don't see that as a compelling reason to not try to make it work out. I'm going to see her next month. Bring my guitar and serenade her, I'm thinking. Brown-eyed Girl.
Anyway, thought I'd share with you guys!
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Just got back from a date, gooood stuff. Really cute, Dutch, likes rock climbing, and has a PhD in Applied Physics. And, she wants to meet again.
Ask if her immovable object would like to meet with your irresistible force.
Never replied to this, follow-up to this thing was eventually a total no-go. She totally dragged her feet about replying to my emails after I met her the first time, and then a few days later i saw her at the rock climbing gym, climbing with some guy (which isn't necessarily meaningful, since you always need another person to belay you). I chatted shortly with her but she seemed rather curt.
Well, a few days later, after i sent her a "hey, I'm assuming this isn't going anywhere" email, she replies "yeah, you know, the guy you saw me with, that was my ex husband. Not sure where I am emotionally right now" Since we had connected on FB, I saw that she had married him only two years ago, which must mean they must have called it off very recently.
Either way, very cute, very attractive, but also decidedly this (https://www.blinkydog.com/wp-content/uploads/Dogs-Do-Not-Want-2.jpg). You can't win in those cases.
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So the girl I met on Tinder a couple months ago (first girl I have seen since I broke up with my x-fiance) has asked me to come chill and spend the night at her new place in Queens. Kind of nervous about this, but obviously excited to see what happens. Being new to the dating scene, Ive had a hard time reading this girl. She hardly texts or chats with me, but then we go on a date and everything seems cool. We didnt talk for a few days so I asked if she was still interested in meeting up again and she actually got a bit snappy about why i was asking that and thats when she invited me to stay over her place. So I guess that shows she has interest, but just weird.
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So the girl I met on Tinder a couple months ago (first girl I have seen since I broke up with my x-fiance) has asked me to come chill and spend the night at her new place in Queens. Kind of nervous about this, but obviously excited to see what happens. Being new to the dating scene, Ive had a hard time reading this girl. She hardly texts or chats with me, but then we go on a date and everything seems cool. We didn't talk for a few days so I asked if she was still interested in meeting up again and she actually got a bit snappy about why i was asking that and that's when she invited me to stay over her place. So I guess that shows she has interest, but just weird.
She's probably trying to read the situation the same as you. She probably doesn't want to come off as too clingy, yet she does seem to have a genuine interest in you. A word of advice: Never base the relationship on communication through texting and chatting. Chances are she could be distracted by other things while talking to you; it's not unusual. Usually texting and chatting online with someone is purely convenience, a way to fill the gaps between actual face-to-face encounters and even phone calls.
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Just got back from a date, gooood stuff. Really cute, Dutch, likes rock climbing, and has a PhD in Applied Physics. And, she wants to meet again.
Ask if her immovable object would like to meet with your irresistible force.
Never replied to this, follow-up to this thing was eventually a total no-go. She totally dragged her feet about replying to my emails after I met her the first time, and then a few days later i saw her at the rock climbing gym, climbing with some guy (which isn't necessarily meaningful, since you always need another person to belay you). I chatted shortly with her but she seemed rather curt.
Well, a few days later, after i sent her a "hey, I'm assuming this isn't going anywhere" email, she replies "yeah, you know, the guy you saw me with, that was my ex husband. Not sure where I am emotionally right now" Since we had connected on FB, I saw that she had married him only two years ago, which must mean they must have called it off very recently.
Either way, very cute, very attractive, but also decidedly this (https://www.blinkydog.com/wp-content/uploads/Dogs-Do-Not-Want-2.jpg). You can't win in those cases.
Uh huh. Only wants till they can have, then doesn't want.
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Yeah. As an ex of mine once put it, she's "damaged goods".
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Why are we calling people damaged goods over getting conflicted emotions over a divorce? God knows you can be in a let's get back together-no I hate this-I'd like to go on a date with another person-the date only highlighted how much I'm still into my ex-let's get back together cycle after every relationship, let alone a marriage. I'm sure we've had people on the forum in that exact same situation.
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That's all fair and true, but I happen to be a pawn in that rebound play. I'm sure it's hard to figure out where she stands, but that doesn't nullify the fact how much it sucks for me to essentially just be a "comparison point" to her ex husband.
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Yeah, but you've only gone on one date. Maybe it's grating for you to date different women for a while and see nothing come out of it, especially if you liked one of them, but essentially if you feel you're an unimportant person in someone's life or maybe just a comparison point, you are, and you don't have to be a protagonist in a story every time you want to (learned that the hard way). When I feel a little used, I usually muse on how many times I've done that to other people in different occasions and my takeaway is that we all kinda suck sometimes. But no one has time for background noise, even if it means that it bites me in the face and that next time around I'm someone's background noise. That's cool, because not everyone has to like me or keep me in their life.
If it makes you feel any better, it doesn't even have to mean that she is comparing between the two of you, just that the very convention of dating reminds her of her husband.
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My situation is still in progress, but it's still very strong. My mom ended up in the hospital with heart failure a few weeks ago and ended up with all four arteries being 90% clogged and ended up needing surgery. I figured right now wasn't the best time to ask about dinner because I didn't want it to be a pity date. (For those who aren't following this or need a refresher, I'm interested in a girl that works at my family's grocery store, we are planning on grabbing dinner at some point soon). I still went to work while my mom was in the hospital last week, but it was a very fragile time. My dad was never at work and my brother who works at our store was also at the hospital everyday, so it was very difficult last week. I opened up myself to her and just let her know where I was at with the whole thing with my mom. Before she left work that day, she checked up on me to make sure I was okay--I thought that was cool of her because as I said to her, I wasn't expecting her to listen to which she said she had no problem taking the time out of her day to listen to me. I kind of took that to mean she cares about me to some degree :lol
I was also going through our store's Facebook page the other day and back in June, my mom posted a picture of me holding a bottle of my favorite root beer from our craft soda door. I never saw who liked it, but I went back yesterday and got a nice surprise. I saw that her sister had liked the picture. Now, it may seem like nothing, but I went through our feed and she had never liked anything on our page before--the picture of me was the first thing. I figured that means I've been mentioned before or at least been talked about to some degree. It seemed pretty random that she would like a picture of me on our Facebook without at least having some knowledge of me, and that was before I was introduced to her.
Sorry for the wall of text. She's been gone all week and memories are the only thing I have to go off of.
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Yeah, but you've only gone on one date. Maybe it's grating for you to date different women for a while and see nothing come out of it, especially if you liked one of them, but essentially if you feel you're an unimportant person in someone's life or maybe just a comparison point, you are, and you don't have to be a protagonist in a story every time you want to (learned that the hard way). When I feel a little used, I usually muse on how many times I've done that to other people in different occasions and my takeaway is that we all kinda suck sometimes. But no one has time for background noise, even if it means that it bites me in the face and that next time around I'm someone's background noise. That's cool, because not everyone has to like me or keep me in their life.
If it makes you feel any better, it doesn't even have to mean that she is comparing between the two of you, just that the very convention of dating reminds her of her husband.
I agree with this and rumboraks POV.
The thing is, even though people do it, it isn't right to work your feelings out for someone by using someone else. If that's what you're doing then you should probably be spending time away from any romantic entanglements.
Oh and yea....I've done it.
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And so have I. And I felt really, really bad afterwards.
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After a year and a couple months, it's time to say farewell to the club once again.. for now at least :)
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So the girl I met on Tinder a couple months ago (first girl I have seen since I broke up with my x-fiance) has asked me to come chill and spend the night at her new place in Queens. Kind of nervous about this, but obviously excited to see what happens. Being new to the dating scene, Ive had a hard time reading this girl. She hardly texts or chats with me, but then we go on a date and everything seems cool. We didn't talk for a few days so I asked if she was still interested in meeting up again and she actually got a bit snappy about why i was asking that and that's when she invited me to stay over her place. So I guess that shows she has interest, but just weird.
She's probably trying to read the situation the same as you. She probably doesn't want to come off as too clingy, yet she does seem to have a genuine interest in you. A word of advice: Never base the relationship on communication through texting and chatting. Chances are she could be distracted by other things while talking to you; it's not unusual. Usually texting and chatting online with someone is purely convenience, a way to fill the gaps between actual face-to-face encounters and even phone calls.
So we met up Friday night, went out for a few drinks and dinner and then went back to her place. She started falling asleep on the couch so I said lets go to bed... we get into her bed and so I start making out with her. We are going at it pretty good and starting to get the dry humping in a little bit and then she stops saying she has her period. OK so we stop and go to sleep. I take off early in the morning as she had requested I take off early because she had friends coming over early from New Hampshire. Anyway, so I sent her a follow up text saying I had a good time, she responded like 12 hours later just saying she hoped I had a good day, never said she had a good time either. And then she never responded to my text yesterday so I am not sure whats up. Im assuming she was lying about the period and that I probably did something that turned her off although I cant say what it was.
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So the girl I met on Tinder a couple months ago (first girl I have seen since I broke up with my x-fiance) has asked me to come chill and spend the night at her new place in Queens. Kind of nervous about this, but obviously excited to see what happens. Being new to the dating scene, Ive had a hard time reading this girl. She hardly texts or chats with me, but then we go on a date and everything seems cool. We didn't talk for a few days so I asked if she was still interested in meeting up again and she actually got a bit snappy about why i was asking that and that's when she invited me to stay over her place. So I guess that shows she has interest, but just weird.
She's probably trying to read the situation the same as you. She probably doesn't want to come off as too clingy, yet she does seem to have a genuine interest in you. A word of advice: Never base the relationship on communication through texting and chatting. Chances are she could be distracted by other things while talking to you; it's not unusual. Usually texting and chatting online with someone is purely convenience, a way to fill the gaps between actual face-to-face encounters and even phone calls.
So we met up Friday night, went out for a few drinks and dinner and then went back to her place. She started falling asleep on the couch so I said lets go to bed... we get into her bed and so I start making out with her. We are going at it pretty good and starting to get the dry humping in a little bit and then she stops saying she has her period. OK so we stop and go to sleep. I take off early in the morning as she had requested I take off early because she had friends coming over early from New Hampshire. Anyway, so I sent her a follow up text saying I had a good time, she responded like 12 hours later just saying she hoped I had a good day, never said she had a good time either. And then she never responded to my text yesterday so I am not sure whats up. Im assuming she was lying about the period and that I probably did something that turned her off although I cant say what it was.
Here's another piece of advice: don't assume what people are thinking. Ask instead. :)
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Considering I asked previously and she seemed to get defensive about it. I plan on asking if she doesnt talk to me for another day or two, figure Ill give it time.
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And so I called her out and she said "I was nervous about saying something to you, Im not good with that" blah blah, oh well. My first time dating someone since I ended an almost 10 year relationship. Learn from the experience and move on. :coolio
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Interesting discussion: Saw a (quite cute) Asian girl's profile yesterday, but she goes on in her profile about "don't make me explain to you the difference between a fetish (e.g. for Asians) and being attracted to say, brunettes."
As I was reading that, I thought: "Err, what *is* the difference?"
Does fetish imply obsession?
Also, I'm assuming an Asian man saying "I only go for female Asians" is not a fetish, right? But when a Caucasian says it, it is?
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I would havee thought a fetish was more specific than just "asians" and a fetish could be an verb and not a noun? I wouldnt go near someone who has crap like that in their profile.
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Well, interestingly, I have a good friend (who sadly is now married to a dumbshit countryman of mine) of Filipino descent, and she had the same problem, that most of the dates she got were of the fetish kind. I wonder what that meant though; did those guys want her to dress up like an Anime character or something?
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Well, interestingly, I have a good friend (who sadly is now married to a dumbshit countryman of mine) of Filipino descent, and she had the same problem, that most of the dates she got were of the fetish kind. I wonder what that meant though; did those guys want her to dress up like an Anime character or something?
Now that sounds more like a fetish whereas liking only asians seems to be a personal taste.
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Wow. Really?
Yes, one is a perversion and is sexual, and the other is a simple preference. It's not uncommon, there's a good bit of Caucasian (mostly, in my experience, British and American) men that have a fetish for Asian women. I used to have a friend like this. He'd go on and on about how Asian women are the best, and then when I asked why he only wanted to go after Asian women, he'd list all these sexual things, and only sexual things (usually quite perverted...this is coming from ME). It most often is an obsession and can lead to stalking, taking personal items (hairbrush, underwear, deodorant, toothbrush, etc) and in some cases something more sinister (but usually is just creepy and annoying). On the opposite end of the spectrum, there's a very real situation in Japan in which Japanese women have a fetish for (usually white) foreign Males. This may seem like it goes beyond a 'fetish', but that's exactly what it is. Now, I'm sure that the 'Gaijin Hunters' are more obsessive and quite frankly dangerous than the people this girl is referring to, but it really wouldn't be far fetched for her to have experienced something like this. I wouldn't be so quick to assume and blindly judge.
If you'd like to see a great (though a bit long) video on Gaijin Hunters that is more or less just entertaining, but nonetheless informative, check this out (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hTRrab_s9o) (skip to around the 6 minute mark if you don't have a lot of time). He rambles a bunch but it's a bit eye opening, and could be what this girl is referring to. I'm not sure why or how the relation of Asian women and foreign (again, almost always white) Males formed, and she could just be wanting attention/crazy herself but it is absolutely a real thing that's become even more rampant with the age of the internet.
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Yeah, but you've only gone on one date. Maybe it's grating for you to date different women for a while and see nothing come out of it, especially if you liked one of them, but essentially if you feel you're an unimportant person in someone's life or maybe just a comparison point, you are, and you don't have to be a protagonist in a story every time you want to (learned that the hard way). When I feel a little used, I usually muse on how many times I've done that to other people in different occasions and my takeaway is that we all kinda suck sometimes. But no one has time for background noise, even if it means that it bites me in the face and that next time around I'm someone's background noise. That's cool, because not everyone has to like me or keep me in their life.
If it makes you feel any better, it doesn't even have to mean that she is comparing between the two of you, just that the very convention of dating reminds her of her husband.
I am a fairly recently (almost two years) divorced man, after a fifteen year marriage. One of the things I was grateful for after the divorce was just meeting people. Talking to people (men and women) at bars. Going on dates with no expectation or desire of anything beyond that date. Not easy (especially for me) but necessary. The reason I quoted you, MoraWintersoul, is because while you didn't say it outright, I think you are heading down this path, and that is, every date is a necessary part of the NEXT date, even if they are different people. I have become incredibly lenient with people in this way. If we go on a date and I fall in love and you don't, that's NOT YOUR FAULT, and you have no obligation - perhaps except for just some human decency - to reciprocate in any way that isn't comfortable for you. Dating is like playing a football game: even though you may or may not have ideas on how it SHOULD turn out, you actually play the game precisely because you DON'T know how it's going to turn out until it happens.
While I was waiting for my divorce to be finalized, I met up with this girl. Bright, attractive, creative... and we talked via text for a while, talked on the phone, and even went on one date that went very well. We had experienced similar things, though we lived a little far apart (maybe an hour?). We went on a second date, and near the end, while kissing she stopped to look at me and I honest to god thought I saw - if not love then at least really strong "I think I found what I am looking for". We had to get home to our respective sitters, and I left on cloud nine thinking perhaps this was the light at the end of the tunnel. We talked maybe twice or three times after and that was it. She didn't really give any detailed explanation, just that it didn't feel right. And I thought about all the emotions I could have and it dawned on me; she owed me nothing, and at least I could take from this that there was life after divorce and there were bright, attractive, creative people out there, and I had gotten my "post-divorce dating jitters" out of the way!
I did text her on her birthday and she said she was in a relationship and happy, and to this day I don't know if she was dating multiple people, or if she got back with someone from her past or met someone new, but it didn't matter. If she's not 100% invested in me, and 100% sure I'm the right guy for her, why would I even want to date her? And why should I expect her to figure all that out on my time table?
Postcript: A couple months from when I met the first girl, I met another girl (interestingly, same first name) and we have been together now for over a year, and it DOES feel right. I think back now and there is almost no comparison. I don't miss the first girl, don't regret the first girl, and am grateful that I experienced that, so that I could be open and appreciative of what I have now.
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Wow, Stadler, what you just said i can relate to. Such a very similar situation minus I wasnt married but engaged, but same scenario with meeting that first lady after and having the same results. I feel the same about no one owes anyone anything in dating.
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Don't want to hijack the thread, but "fetish" doesn't have to be perverse, and it doesn't have to be sexual. There are, though, people that WILL NOT date outside of a certain race; at the point that it becomes "purposeful" is the point at which I think it moves from "preference" to "fetish".
I also think her example ("Asian women" and "brunettes") is misleading. You CAN have a fetish for brunettes. And you can just prefer Asian women (or whatever feature it is about Asian women that attracts you) without it being a "fetish".
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Right, there are different circumstances and definitions of the word; what I'm referring to is perverse. But yes, that was kind of my point; you can certainly only want to date Asian women or only Brunettes, but if all your reasons are about pussy, ass, tits, and anything sexual, it's a perversion, not a preference. Also yes, the latter half of her profile quote is misleading, didn't catch that.
Anyway, just making conversation. On with your loneliness! :tup :P
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Regarding the so-called Yellow Fever, this is an article that sheds some light on it from an East Asian woman living in America:
https://www.thebolditalic.com/articles/3180-why-yellow-fever-is-different-than-having-a-type-
For instance, it is true that I tend to be drawn to well-dressed men who are taller than me, but I don’t assume anything about them besides the fact that they are well-dressed and taller. But just because I’m Asian and female, why do some men make the automatic assumptions that I am quiet, docile, great at domestic tasks, eager to please men, and my vagina is more magical than average? And, I am supposed to feel complimented when those people are attracted to me?
Being in love with the idea of someone without actually getting to know the person as an individual is unfair and disrespectful. It’s an awful feeling to realize that the cute guy who approached you is as interested in you as he is in every other girl who shares your race: You’re as special as millions of others.
That’s totally cool if you think straight black hair and almond-shaped dark eyes are beautiful: I like them too! But if you find me physically attractive because of that, and try to learn more about me, you can decide whether my personality is equally charming – just like I have the choice of deciding if you’re worth my time and company. But someone expecting me to fulfill all the cultural stereotypes of my race that he’s infatuated with? That is called prejudiced ignorance and refusal to recognize me as a complex real human being. It doesn’t matter if the person is Asian himself or not. If you want to date me or have sex with me, with the expectations that I’ll carry out your pre-conceived notions of Asian women, then you have Yellow Fever.
Regarding the other conversation we were having, I've had this thing for the past several months where my behavior and my role in my relationship were under scrutiny, and I was having a hard time understanding why I wasn't unconditionally accepted back when I've unconditionally accepted him already. In my head, it seemed like I was owed something, but the other person totes has the right to say - this thing you do, I don't like it; or, this trait you have, it's toxic and holding you back and you should change it. The not owing thing doesn't even change in a relationship, but sometimes it's hard to perceive that when you're on the receiving end.
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Thanks for posting that, Mora! Enlightening and disturbing.
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But just because I’m Asian and female, why do some men make the automatic assumptions that I am quiet, docile, great at domestic tasks, eager to please men, and my vagina is more magical than average?
Thus the difference between a man and a woman. A woman comes up to me and says "I assume your penis is more magical than average" and my first response is "Will you marry me?".
I'm kidding of course; seriously, I think that woman nailed the difference perfectly: when the trait subsumes all else, it is a fetish.
Regarding the other conversation we were having, I've had this thing for the past several months where my behavior and my role in my relationship were under scrutiny, and I was having a hard time understanding why I wasn't unconditionally accepted back when I've unconditionally accepted him already. In my head, it seemed like I was owed something, but the other person totes has the right to say - this thing you do, I don't like it; or, this trait you have, it's toxic and holding you back and you should change it. The not owing thing doesn't even change in a relationship, but sometimes it's hard to perceive that when you're on the receiving end.
Not knowing what the trait is (and it's none of our business), DOES someone have the right to say "this trait... you should change it"? That was another lesson I sort of ingrained from the experience of my marriage, which has SUPREMELY helped my dating (though hasn't always endeared myself to the women I have dated): isn't it up to me to take or leave what I'm given? I tried to "change" my ex wife ("change" meaning get her to seek help for various things that were holding her back and hurting those around her) to no avail, and have come to think that wasn't something I could ever have been successful at.
I went on another date, after the first girl, and she was very pretty, VERY smart (Ivy), well-connected socially and politically, up for anything in a healthy, non-threatening way, but not perfect. She was a little heavy (which isn't a deal breaker for me at all) but was heading toward getting a little bitter (a big red flag) and was a HORRID kisser, which, ultimately, were deal breakers. Was it my obligation to "turn" her into what I - one man among 150 million +/- here in the States - consider a "good" kisser? Or force her to ignore 20 years of experience and see things more positively?
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And so I called her out and she said "I was nervous about saying something to you, Im not good with that" blah blah, oh well. My first time dating someone since I ended an almost 10 year relationship. Learn from the experience and move on. :coolio
Sorry I missed the last couple of updates. So she finally budged after you put a little pressure on her?
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And so I called her out and she said "I was nervous about saying something to you, Im not good with that" blah blah, oh well. My first time dating someone since I ended an almost 10 year relationship. Learn from the experience and move on. :coolio
Sorry I missed the last couple of updates. So she finally budged after you put a little pressure on her?
I guess you can say that. I just told her I got the hint. I guess if i never said anything she would have just ignored me until I went away. Kind of disrespectful when I spent like 400 bucks total across our 6 dates and slept in her bed with her the last time we met, but oh well. Im actually happy overall with the experience though. She was a girl I could talk do and enjoy being around when I was going through a rough patch dealing with my ex. Also kind of weird that she kept seeing me while my ex was still living in my house and then as soon as my ex finally moves out is when she stops wanting to see me. I thought that was going to make her have more interest, but what do I know.
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Women are magical creatures. One minute they're testing their gag reflex, the next minute they just want to be friends.
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:rollin
Fucking A.
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:rollin
Fucking A.
Cant say it any better myself
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Women are magical creatures. One minute they're testing their gag reflex, the next minute they just want to be friends.
:rollin
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I'm desperately and pathetically afraid of being alone. I am also to introverted and afraid of social situations to ever be able to change being alone.
Not so much on the second sentence, but definitely yes on the first one. It sucks... it's so crippling and needy and... yeah... not to say that I don't have good days, which I do, it's just always in the back of my mind and I don't know how to shut it up.
I do feel I made the right decision, however. I just need to get used to me again.
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I'm desperately and pathetically afraid of being alone. I am also to introverted and afraid of social situations to ever be able to change being alone.
Not so much on the second sentence, but definitely yes on the first one. It sucks... it's so crippling and needy and... yeah... not to say that I don't have good days, which I do, it's just always in the back of my mind and I don't know how to shut it up.
It's all fault of our society and the Extroverted Ideal. That stupid paradigm that says if you don't hang out, go to discos, get drunk, be talkative, spend all your free time with friends and social activities, take non-sense decisions and regret later, have hundreds of friends, etc., you're just a weird alien from Venus that deserves to be alone. And it's all light years far from truth. Us introverts need to spend time alone, doing things. It's not that we dislike social situations, but they actually make us waste energy, while extroverts gain it from those environments.
Thus, we have just a few friends, prefer to stay home than to go out and spend lots of time alone. And lots of girls/mans see that as a flaw. As a shy, hollow person that will never achieve something on life. And that's funny considering most of the greatest scientists, the big mayority of the world's top CEOs, and lots of big artists (musicians, writers, painters) are actually introverts.
I'm reading a superb book on introversion, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. It narrates how our society shifted from one which valued character to another that puts personality above everything else. And also relates a lot of studies done on introversion, their biological explanations, how the environment shapes us, and a lot of insight that has helped me to better understand myself. You guys (and gal) should read it, even if you're an extrovert.
As for the thread, I have never dated someone. I just don't know how to approach them. And I'm afraid that they will get bored of me just because I don't hang out with them and dislike little talk. I'm not desperate to have a girlfriend now, but it'd be nice to make me feel a little bit less alone. I've heard online dating sites might be helpful. some advise on these places?
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I'm desperately and pathetically afraid of being alone. I am also to introverted and afraid of social situations to ever be able to change being alone.
Not so much on the second sentence, but definitely yes on the first one. It sucks... it's so crippling and needy and... yeah... not to say that I don't have good days, which I do, it's just always in the back of my mind and I don't know how to shut it up.
It's all fault of our society and the Extroverted Ideal. That stupid paradigm that says if you don't hang out, go to discos, get drunk, be talkative, spend all your free time with friends and social activities, take non-sense decisions and regret later, have hundreds of friends, etc., you're just a weird alien from Venus that deserves to be alone. And it's all light years far from truth. Us introverts need to spend time alone, doing things. It's not that we dislike social situations, but they actually make us waste energy, while extroverts gain it from those environments.
Thus, we have just a few friends, prefer to stay home than to go out and spend lots of time alone. And lots of girls/mans see that as a flaw. As a shy, hollow person that will never achieve something on life. And that's funny considering most of the greatest scientists, the big mayority of the world's top CEOs, and lots of big artists (musicians, writers, painters) are actually introverts.
I'm reading a superb book on introversion, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. It narrates how our society shifted from one which valued character to another that puts personality above everything else. And also relates a lot of studies done on introversion, their biological explanations, how the environment shapes us, and a lot of insight that has helped me to better understand myself. You guys (and gal) should read it, even if you're an extrovert.
As for the thread, I have never dated someone. I just don't know how to approach them. And I'm afraid that they will get bored of me just because I don't hang out with them and dislike little talk. I'm not desperate to have a girlfriend now, but it'd be nice to make me feel a little bit less alone. I've heard online dating sites might be helpful. some advise on these places?
I consider myself an introvert, but relate more to Debra than Jay. While I just got out of a serious long term relationship and constantly question myself whether I like being alone vs with someone, I dont feel scared or that I cannot handle this. I very much enjoy my alone time, and I often find ways to schedule alone time in my busy work schedule, but I also try and want to find time to be with friends and family. I have a small group of friends, but I try to be open and honest with them and I think that helps with coping with being alone as an introvert. It helps to have a good support system I guess. Throughout my breakup and going through the ups and downs of being single, my friends and family were always there for me. I guess that cant be said for everyone, but it definitely helps. I feel my decision to leave a long relationship was right, but it has been tough.
Also, while I do feel society does in general reward extroverts more than introverts, you can in fact find your niche and be a successful introvert. I like to think I am one of those.
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Being alone it's not the same as feeling alone. People that makes you feel like they don't care about you it's heart-breaking. I was just pointing out that, at least for me, getting a girl interested in me, and who doesn't care about flirting or typical extrovert stuff, is really tough.
In fact, I found one long time ago, and we were long-time friends, and I kind of fell in love with her. But I was too coward to ask her something more serious, and then some crap happened and we just don't talk each other anymore. I'd love to retake our relationship and start from zero, but everything is so damaged now. She was the nearest thing I've been to having a girlfriend.
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Being alone is weird to me. Like... I'm not sure what my relationship status is. If anything I'd place it in "we are living together working on things." It's better than it was... but like... during all this I am spending a LOT of time alone... which I am not really used to. I spent most of the past 7 years usually with someone... whether it's my girlfriend at the time... my closest friends... or even texting / IMing someone. But now... when I am not with Panda I am just sitting here. My two closest friends haven't really spoken to me in months. They don't agree with my relationship. I don't have the money to go out and socialize, nor do I have a reliable vehicle to do so (my car is on it's last leg). I just sit here. I do have a few people I can text but they are all either kinda off limits to go hang out with (My ex's sister...) or the live states away.
I've gotten in to playing World Of Warcraft... which is strange because I used to despise the game... But I am still reminded of the fact that I am sitting here alone. That my relationship is... like... so close to dead it's not even funny. That my closest friends refuse to talk to me (well one of them does sometimes... but usually it's work related since we work security in complexes very near eachother)...
So I just sit here. browsing DTF and listening to Pandora waiting for it to be late enough in the evening to justify getting ready for bed.
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Damn, that's so... awful. And sad. If you aren't used to being alone, you should start a pet project to fill the void. Maybe more than one. Just look into your passions, and start doing something. It doesn't have to be great nor something that will make you rich/famous. But it will make you happier, and feel less alone. Or at least, to forget your solitude. Writing helps me on that.
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I agree with the above, essentially my advice is to find something to do that you find enjoyable to help fill that void. Sitting around and sulkin in your sorrows will never help release you from that feeling. Ive done that myself in the past, laying in bed and not doing anything to change how you feel. Lately for me, I've felt the best way for me to be happy and find happyness alone is to push myself to do things "the old me" wouldnt have done. For me, that is going out a lot more and not caring what other people think of me and seeing what can happen if I do this or do that. I have to travel a lot and I travel alone sometimes and its an even worse feeling when you are thousands of miles away from anyone you know and you are sitting in a hotel room alone. Doing that for a few weeks helped motivate me to drop my guard and see what can happen if I go out and explore the world.
Maybe without having a car and money, that is more difficult, but how does one get money and a car to do things? Get a good job! So one thing to do is maybe teach yourself something and see if you can develop a skill that can help you build a career. That will also help build some confidence in yourself and feel better. Nothing feels so good as the feeling of accomplishment (and sex).
Just my two cents.
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I've got the job thing covered. I have a very stable job and am constantly looking to take the next step up. (I am an assistant supervisor for a security company. I work a rather large residential area... Seems like there's not much to the job but to be honest the politics of the job are insane.) I am looking to either bump up to post commander, or get a job working traffic / non sworn type shit with the police. It's only a matter of time until one of the two happen. As for a hobby... I used to write. A lot. Poetry... when I was in high school. That was my thing. Sadly though I kinda lost my writing ability when my dad died a few years ago. I also used to be way in to photography... but that really died too a few years ago. I started to get in to it again... thanks to the crispness of my new phone (I do want to get a DSLR one day) but that phone decided it wanted to take a swim in the marina. So... that's kinda... dead for now.
The only thing I have is to focus on work. The problem is there's not a whole lot to focus on when I am not physically here... and when I am concerned about what's going on at work while I am home.. it takes a toll on my relationship. ugh.
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Didnt mean to make it sound like you didnt have a job or anything, just based on what you said about not having money and a reliable car I thought some good advice would be to work on your career, but regardless you listed a bunch of things you used to like and gave excuses as to why you dont do them anymore. Got to get out of the habit of finding an excuse not to do something and find the reason TO DO something. I think you have your reason already, just need to act on it. Just my thoughts, but I am no psychologist and I have not had any experiences with helping other people, Ive only been working on helping myself get out of my own rut that Ive lived in for the last year or two and some of the things I have done are ending a very serious long relationship that I felt was dragging me down and making me unhappy. I got a new job. Ive opened up more to my friends and family about myself and my personal issues and feelings. And I fill my downtime with things I enjoy doing and not laying around thinking about how I wasted the last year or two of my life (which is really hard to stop thinking about).
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It's all good. I hope to find a better paying job soon... and when I do I will be able to get my car fixed and buy myself a camera and maybe get back in to video editing (which I used to be big in to.) It just feels like I am stuck because of my money situation. The jobs I have been going out for have had very tough competition. I was one of 200 people going out for 6 spots recently. The job would have been nice. almost double my current pay and I would have been working here in my town. I've got the qualifications and the resume and recommendations for these jobs I am looking at. It's just a matter of time. I also feel that if I was bringing in better money it would take a lot of stress off of my relationship.
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Money helps many things, but cant buy you happiness. A lesson I tell myself regularly.
Sadly with jobs, its often not what you know but who you know. If you keep it at, something will come your way.
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Oh I know it won't buy the happiness.. but it will allow me a few tools to help me on my way to happiness. Lol
I have a glowing letter of rec from a former Santa Barbara DA and I am working on shmoozing the Chief of Police here. She's a resident where I work. :lol
Hopefully with those individuals backing me I can make a dent in the job search.
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Hope so too, good luck man!
Anyway, as for finding a girl. I went out to the local bar Friday night with my buddy and I was really drunk. Being in that state makes it so much easier to approach a woman and so I told my friend to pick any girl in the bar and I would approach her saying whatever you want me to say. So he picked the a slamming brunette and told me to say "I think you are pretty can I buy you a drink?" Well the first girl declined and so I said find another and he picked out the hottest blonde... and well she accepted and turned out to be really nice and friendly. She actually did a shot with me instead but then he friend came by and forced her to the bathroom and when they got back they seemed less friendly. I guess her friend didnt like me enough. Oh well, that was defintiely a confidence booster even though I was drunk. Got to find that courage when I am not drinking.
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It's tough. I find that I only ever have that courage, outside of drinking, when I really don't need it lol
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It's all fault of our society and the Extroverted Ideal. That stupid paradigm that says if you don't hang out, go to discos, get drunk, be talkative, spend all your free time with friends and social activities, take non-sense decisions and regret later, have hundreds of friends, etc., you're just a weird alien from Venus that deserves to be alone. And it's all light years far from truth. Us introverts need to spend time alone, doing things. It's not that we dislike social situations, but they actually make us waste energy, while extroverts gain it from those environments.
Thus, we have just a few friends, prefer to stay home than to go out and spend lots of time alone. And lots of girls/mans see that as a flaw. As a shy, hollow person that will never achieve something on life. And that's funny considering most of the greatest scientists, the big mayority of the world's top CEOs, and lots of big artists (musicians, writers, painters) are actually introverts.
At the risk of being all "Dr. Phil" here, there's a lot of crap in that post. Honestly? I don't know one person who actually thinks "introverts" are "shy hollow people" with no hope of achievement. Frankly, it's far more likely that just plain no one gives a shit. I don't mean about you, personally, but about how people choose to spend their day. This is the difference between focusing on the nonsense of what some advertiser wants you to think in the 30 seconds he/she has to shill her product or focusing on living your life how you want to live it. Put an ad on Match or eHarmony and say exactly what you said. I think you might be surprised at the number of women who are looking for a man to be an adult and be willing to focus on her, as opposed to being the town drunk or the life of the party.
One thing I've found in my experience with the whole partner scene is... there is someone for everyone. If Jeff the Vomit Guy can find a mate (Google it, but NSFW) then someone who is "merely" socially awkward in certain circumstances doesn't have a lot of leg to stand on. You may not have the same number of options as, say, Derek Jeter, but the odds of you being the only one in your position is slim to none, for better or worse.
As for the thread, I have never dated someone. I just don't know how to approach them. And I'm afraid that they will get bored of me just because I don't hang out with them and dislike little talk. I'm not desperate to have a girlfriend now, but it'd be nice to make me feel a little bit less alone. I've heard online dating sites might be helpful. some advise on these places?
Respectfully, now, the notion that "someone will get bored with you" is not introversion. That's something else. Introvert, extrovert or pervert, I think the first step is being willing to put whatever it is you are out there. I am very much an introvert, and more often than not (though, admittedly, not always) would much prefer to sit in, put on some Floyd, and read or play PS3. At this point (I'm 47) I don't pitch it as a "flaw", I pitch it as a plus.
Advice? Patience. Honesty. Don't be a douchebag (not that you would be). I think the one "problem" with online dating sites is that they are a useful tool, but they aren't the wild west of the internet, and yet some people choose to use them as if they were. Meaning, on a site like this, or in a YouTube comments section, you don't usually have to back up what you say in person at some point. Ideally, in a dating situation, you will. I have met several bright, attractive, smart people on my relatively short stay on "Match.com" and some of them I am still friends with, even if there were no romantic sparks. I have also met some weird, delusional people as well, but isn't that a cross-section of life?
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Woah. My supervisor, who owns a Martial Arts studio, is offering me free unlimited classes... which usually costs $100 + a month. I think after the new year I'm going to check it out. Maybe this could be my... thing...
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Is it strange to go on a 2 night random road trip to Boston (from NYC area) with a girl you've only met twice? The girl and I both agreed it is, yet we are still doing it. Wondering if I am (and I guess she too although it was my idea) completely nuts.
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Is it strange to go on a 2 night random road trip to Boston (from NYC area) with a girl you've only met twice? The girl and I both agreed it is, yet we are still doing it. Wondering if I am (and I guess she too although it was my idea) completely nuts.
If you ask me, there's absolutely not enough spontaneity in this world. Everything is planned meticulously, and people always second guess themselves, trying to make sure that everything they do conforms to societal norms. I think the world could use a little more of that adventurous spirit. So I say go for it and don't worry about whether it's strange.
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Word, TGP. The lack of spontaneity is pretty bad these days.
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Yeah, I don't really think that's strange.
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Word, TGP. The lack of spontaneity is pretty bad these days.
I mean, considering how many creeps there are out there, I can't entirely blame people for being on the paranoid side, but that's why it's called "taking chances".
Last year, I took an impromptu trip to New York to meet a girl I've been talking to for less than a month. Things didn't pan out, there really wasn't any chemistry there, unfortunately, but hey, it was my first time in New York (and U.S. in general), I got to visit museums and Times Square, and stayed in a sketchy hotel in The Bronx, and just got a chance to leave the comfort zone of my home, family and city, which is something I've never done. I don't regret it one bit, and it made for a great experience and a good story.
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Cool, glad to know I havent gone insane yet. As for spontaneity, I told her the truth about myself which is that I've spent the last bunch of years of my life feeling like I wasted it by not being adventurous and not going outside of my comfort zone and that I want to live life to the fullest now. Im just glad she is cool with it too, should be fun. Booked our stay at the Intercontinental Boston hotel which looks awesome.
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It's very easy to get into that mundane routine of things, and just start living life on autopilot, basically, content to live each day just like the last. Work, do chores, pay bills, drink beer, repeat.
That's what's gonna make you go insane! :lol
It's always good to get out of it and at least do something different once in a while. Personally, every time I get into any kind of a routine for too long, I just go into a slump and become really lethargic.
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Women are magical creatures. One minute they're testing their gag reflex, the next minute they just want to be friends.
I just lost it in my cube at work :rollin :rollin
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The girl at work that I like gave me a Christmas gift. I gave her one a week before Christmas (a 12 pack of Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, a rare one that is impossible to find here in Minnesota). I've never seen her smile like she did when I gave her the 12 pack. It was a great moment.
Last night when we were walking out of work together, she told me she had something for me. I really wasn't expecting to get anything back from her. She handed me a gift bag that had some weight to it. Since she hates opening gifts in front of people and vice versa, she told me not to open it in front of her. We talked for a few more minutes and eventually left--mind you it was about 8 degrees out :lol so I was just happy to talk to her for five extra minutes.
The gift was awesome--she said it wasn't as thoughtful as what I got her, but I disagree. To an outsider, it's just a bunch of things thrown in a bag, but each one has a story that runs throughout the year.
2 24 oz bottles of Dr. Pepper--she knows its my favorite soda.
2 cans of Lacroix Cherry Lime Water-- I bought her a can back in October. We both hate most Lacroix water flavors, but when I gave her one she loved it and I said that it was one my favorite flavored waters.
A bag of Sour Patch Kids-- We were talking a few weeks back about candy canes and I said that they need to make Sour Patch Kids Candy Canes, its one of my favorite candies. Lo and behold, I found that they do actually make SPK candy canes.
Wax Bottle Candies--I had mentioned back in June or July that I love these
Mike & Ike Italian Ice Flavors--Our store had these on order for the summer, but we never got our shipment. She knew I was disappointed that we never got them.
Reese's Christmas Tree--She knows I love Reese's peanut butter cups.
The thought that went into the gift was amazing to me and that she remembered some of this stuff blew me away. She's amazing. It was sweet of her and it just added to the reasons why I like her. And we are grabbing dinner together hopefully sometime in January. I think things are looking up here in this situation--I can't help but feel after the gift exchange that there definitely has to be mutual feelings between us.
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The thought that went into the gift was amazing to me and that she remembered some of this stuff blew me away. She's amazing. It was sweet of her and it just added to the reasons why I like her. And we are grabbing dinner together hopefully sometime in January. I think things are looking up here in this situation--I can't help but feel after the gift exchange that there definitely has to be mutual feelings between us.
Dude, I'm usually the one saying "cool your jets; sometimes a random act of kindness is just that, random", but I think you hit the nail on the head. A LOT of thought went into that gift, and in my humble experience, that isn't something people just do anymore without some incentive.
Good luck to you.
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The last few months have been hell.
No idea what the hell is going on.
I feel like we kinda are together. Yet... when it comes down to it, I get told NO we aren't. It's a slap in the face.
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My trip to Boston was awesome. The girl who I had only met 2 times previously was a ton of fun. We get along real well and did lots of touristy things for the two days and also had our fun. My only problem is was put in touch with another girl who I just met who I may like more now.
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:facepalm:
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Ok. So... We aren't together but are / will be doing the roommate thing. I'm working on distracting myself.
I've been working for a month to accept this. And as soon as I start to, my car dies. Ive been trying to look on the positive side of everything... But it's tough.
I have been reminded though that apparently a girl that was obsessed with me in high school still is and wants to hook up. Problem is she's in Seattle... And she's kinda intensely psycho at times. There's a reason I never hooked up with her back then. Haha
So I guess there's still hope
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Dude, I'm usually the one saying "cool your jets; sometimes a random act of kindness is just that, random", but I think you hit the nail on the head. A LOT of thought went into that gift, and in my humble experience, that isn't something people just do anymore without some incentive.
Good luck to you.
She told me it was a lucky guess on the Italian Ice Mike & Ike's. She said she saw them at Cub Foods and thought they looked interesting--but everything else was right.
Her and I had one of our off days yesterday though, I hate when those happen. She was kinda moody all day and we didn't really laugh or talk much which was abnormal since we usually do at work. Stadler, I think you're relatively new to my story, but do you think an age gap of 20 years old and 29 years old is something to do a double take at?
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Dude, I'm usually the one saying "cool your jets; sometimes a random act of kindness is just that, random", but I think you hit the nail on the head. A LOT of thought went into that gift, and in my humble experience, that isn't something people just do anymore without some incentive.
Good luck to you.
She told me it was a lucky guess on the Italian Ice Mike & Ike's. She said she saw them at Cub Foods and thought they looked interesting--but everything else was right.
Her and I had one of our off days yesterday though, I hate when those happen. She was kinda moody all day and we didn't really laugh or talk much which was abnormal since we usually do at work. Stadler, I think you're relatively new to my story, but do you think an age gap of 20 years old and 29 years old is something to do a double take at?
Fair question, but honestly, I would say no, IF you both are out of school (or at least almost done), though you're right at the edge, because one of you is legal and one of you is not. I'm older than you, but I'm dating someone who is seven years younger, and it is not an issue at all. I mean, not even 0.0001%.
To me, it is about mindset and being honest with yourself and her: do you share experience and focusing on the things you have in common, or do you focus on the things you don't? If you (or her) are the type to do the latter, it may catch up to you. When I got divorced (about two years ago) initially I put no limits (other than legal ones) on who I would date. The youngest was about 26 (19 years difference) and the oldest was about 55 (10 years difference) and though both of those lasted all of one date each, neither ended because of age. The "sweet spot" for me turned out to be about 6-8 years younger than me, and it literally has not been an issue one bit. It's like anything else: it gets to be a problem only when it gets to be a problem, if that makes sense.
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I think the older you get the age gap matters less.
My 29 year old buddy was dating a 20 year old. He loved it because he didnt have to spend money on her at the bar. So thats a positive.
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I turn 21 in March, so that's almost not an issue. One of the reasons why I started liking her was that we had a lot in common and could talk about things very easily. Conversation came easily and we got along. She was very open about her family with me and she introduced me to her sister back in July when she came into our store (which didn't mean anything, she didn't remember me the next time she came into the store or at least not my name). I've just found her to be a great person to be around. When my mom was in the hospital with heart failure and a quadruple bypass last month, she was a rock for me and someone I could go and talk to when I was having difficulty in that situation.
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Back to the dating board. I never thought I'd have to deal with this again. So I joined OKCupid, or should I say rejoined.
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LOL K Cupid.
The only activity I had on it in months was a friend from high school hitting me up with a "Don't I know you?"
And then we continued a convo on facebook that fizzled out a few months ago about a new job of hers.
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I've met a few people from there but for the most part it's been nothing but fail.
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My friend had anal sex on a first date with a girl from okcupid. I'll be seeing the girl I met on that site tonight, taking her to a ska concert reel big fish and less than Jake although I'm kind of sick.
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My friend had anal sex on a first date with a girl from okcupid.
There's something both awesome and awful about that. :)
I'll be seeing the girl I met on that site tonight, taking her to a ska concert reel big fish and less than Jake although I'm kind of sick.
Now, imagine the story if you get anal sex at the less than jake show. Something to shoot for!
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My friend had anal sex on a first date with a girl from okcupid. I'll be seeing the girl I met on that site tonight, taking her to a ska concert reel big fish and less than Jake although I'm kind of sick.
I had sex on a first date with a girl from that site, too. The next girl I dated was a prude though so it always depends.
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I've been on one too where the girl said she wasn't gonna consider a second date unless she checked the goods. I went along with it, but it clearly wasn't going to be a long-term thing.
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I've been on one too where the girl said she wasn't gonna consider a second date unless she checked the goods. I went along with it, but it clearly wasn't going to be a long-term thing.
She didn't like the merchandise?
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My experience with Match isn't terribly different, but I think I'm talking about a little older demographic, so that might have something to do with it.
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My experience with Match isn't terribly different, but I think I'm talking about a little older demographic, so that might have something to do with it.
Basically. I've noticed it to be the same way. Though I had worse luck on Match.
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My experience with Match isn't terribly different, but I think I'm talking about a little older demographic, so that might have something to do with it.
Basically. I've noticed it to be the same way. Though I had worse luck on Match.
I've not tried OKCupid, but I know on Match, there were a fair number of women that thought it's all going to play out like on "Twilight" or something, which (and I apologize in advance) explains why they are still single at that point in their lives, and just as many that figure "YOLO", and acknowledge the cutesy, coy back and forth that is so cool at 19 is not so cool when 45 and you both know where it's going to end anyway, so might as well cut to the chase and enjoy that third glass of wine. ;)
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So I ended my "relationship" if you call it that with this one girl. We had only met up 3 times and while I enjoyed those three times and I know she did too, she was getting a bit too clingy for me. She clearly stated many times she didnt want a relationship which was fine with me as I told her, but she got really mad when she found out I had Tinder installed on my phone which almost set me to just end it right there, but she apologized and we got over it. So I had just gotten home from Germany and found out I had to put my kitten to sleep before I could even unpack my bags (long story, but regardless I was not really interested in having normal conversation that day due to my mental time clock being off and the grievance of having to put my kitten to sleep). We were texting and I told her flat out I was kind of out of it and not in the mood to really talk and that I had also planned on taking a nap. When I woke up, I found she sent me a couple texts complaining about the fact that she talked to me a lot while I was away but when I got home I didnt want to talk. I got so pissed off that I told her I didnt want to continue anymore. That lead her to go nuts sending me around 50 text messages over the next 24 hours, as well as facebook chatting, calling me, calling me from a different number, and calling me a loser for not finishing our game of Trivia Crack.
So a few days had gone passed and now that my emotions are a little more in line and my head is in a better spot, I've been wondering if I was too quick to end that and clearly break this girls heart, or if what I did was ok? I felt like I was very nice in the way I told her how I felt, but maybe I was just way to emotional at that point. I kind of felt the Tinder thing was stupid, but when the whole why arent you talking to me when I had already told her really just seemed like too much from a girl who I am not serious with and we both agreed to not be serious.
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My experience with Match isn't terribly different, but I think I'm talking about a little older demographic, so that might have something to do with it.
Basically. I've noticed it to be the same way. Though I had worse luck on Match.
I've not tried OKCupid, but I know on Match, there were a fair number of women that thought it's all going to play out like on "Twilight" or something, which (and I apologize in advance) explains why they are still single at that point in their lives, and just as many that figure "YOLO", and acknowledge the cutesy, coy back and forth that is so cool at 19 is not so cool when 45 and you both know where it's going to end anyway, so might as well cut to the chase and enjoy that third glass of wine. ;)
I'm not familiar with how Twilight went so your analogy escapes me but I still think I understand what you're saying.
Two women actually messaged me back on OKCupid today. One lives only about 10 minutes from me and is a total metalhead plus she's extremely intelligent. Being that I'm a sapiosexual, that is important to me.
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So I ended my "relationship" if you call it that with this one girl. We had only met up 3 times and while I enjoyed those three times and I know she did too, she was getting a bit too clingy for me. She clearly stated many times she didnt want a relationship which was fine with me as I told her, but she got really mad when she found out I had Tinder installed on my phone which almost set me to just end it right there, but she apologized and we got over it. So I had just gotten home from Germany and found out I had to put my kitten to sleep before I could even unpack my bags (long story, but regardless I was not really interested in having normal conversation that day due to my mental time clock being off and the grievance of having to put my kitten to sleep). We were texting and I told her flat out I was kind of out of it and not in the mood to really talk and that I had also planned on taking a nap. When I woke up, I found she sent me a couple texts complaining about the fact that she talked to me a lot while I was away but when I got home I didnt want to talk. I got so pissed off that I told her I didnt want to continue anymore. That lead her to go nuts sending me around 50 text messages over the next 24 hours, as well as facebook chatting, calling me, calling me from a different number, and calling me a loser for not finishing our game of Trivia Crack.
So a few days had gone passed and now that my emotions are a little more in line and my head is in a better spot, I've been wondering if I was too quick to end that and clearly break this girls heart, or if what I did was ok? I felt like I was very nice in the way I told her how I felt, but maybe I was just way to emotional at that point. I kind of felt the Tinder thing was stupid, but when the whole why arent you talking to me when I had already told her really just seemed like too much from a girl who I am not serious with and we both agreed to not be serious.
Could be just me, and there are of course exceptions (the "50 messages from multiple, some incognito, sources" might be one) but I generally let day to day things happen twice before I pull the plug. Again, there are exceptions (catching her in bed with the postman - assuming the postman isn't 24, female and smokin' - would probably be a zero tolerance offence), but you were in a mood when you came home; most everything she did can be explained by a mood too. Why do you get to have moods and she doesn't? Kinda sounds unrealistic.
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So I ended my "relationship" if you call it that with this one girl. We had only met up 3 times and while I enjoyed those three times and I know she did too, she was getting a bit too clingy for me. She clearly stated many times she didnt want a relationship which was fine with me as I told her, but she got really mad when she found out I had Tinder installed on my phone which almost set me to just end it right there, but she apologized and we got over it. So I had just gotten home from Germany and found out I had to put my kitten to sleep before I could even unpack my bags (long story, but regardless I was not really interested in having normal conversation that day due to my mental time clock being off and the grievance of having to put my kitten to sleep). We were texting and I told her flat out I was kind of out of it and not in the mood to really talk and that I had also planned on taking a nap. When I woke up, I found she sent me a couple texts complaining about the fact that she talked to me a lot while I was away but when I got home I didnt want to talk. I got so pissed off that I told her I didnt want to continue anymore. That lead her to go nuts sending me around 50 text messages over the next 24 hours, as well as facebook chatting, calling me, calling me from a different number, and calling me a loser for not finishing our game of Trivia Crack.
So a few days had gone passed and now that my emotions are a little more in line and my head is in a better spot, I've been wondering if I was too quick to end that and clearly break this girls heart, or if what I did was ok? I felt like I was very nice in the way I told her how I felt, but maybe I was just way to emotional at that point. I kind of felt the Tinder thing was stupid, but when the whole why arent you talking to me when I had already told her really just seemed like too much from a girl who I am not serious with and we both agreed to not be serious.
Could be just me, and there are of course exceptions (the "50 messages from multiple, some incognito, sources" might be one) but I generally let day to day things happen twice before I pull the plug. Again, there are exceptions (catching her in bed with the postman - assuming the postman isn't 24, female and smokin' - would probably be a zero tolerance offence), but you were in a mood when you came home; most everything she did can be explained by a mood too. Why do you get to have moods and she doesn't? Kinda sounds unrealistic.
No doubt I was in a funk and I clearly told her that. Of course she is allowed to have moods to, but making a comment that Im not giving her enough of my attention isn't really a mood, but more of a really poorly timed comment. I totally think it's possible and likely I over reacted in my own response, which is why I threw it out here. You say you give 2 shots, to me that was the second shot with the first being her going nuts over having tinder installed on my phone (which I also explained to her I wasn't even using). Bottom line, after coming out of my funk I do feel bad about just ending whatever we had so abruptly, but I have not ended a FWB type of scenario before so even if I didnt react so quickly, I most likely would have had to end this sooner than later anyway because she was giving me a lot of signs of a personality that I would conflict with.
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:emo:
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:-*
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No doubt I was in a funk and I clearly told her that. Of course she is allowed to have moods to, but making a comment that Im not giving her enough of my attention isn't really a mood, but more of a really poorly timed comment. I totally think it's possible and likely I over reacted in my own response, which is why I threw it out here. You say you give 2 shots, to me that was the second shot with the first being her going nuts over having tinder installed on my phone (which I also explained to her I wasn't even using). Bottom line, after coming out of my funk I do feel bad about just ending whatever we had so abruptly, but I have not ended a FWB type of scenario before so even if I didnt react so quickly, I most likely would have had to end this sooner than later anyway because she was giving me a lot of signs of a personality that I would conflict with.
Well, you undoubtedly know better (and I mean that sincerely). I can only go on what you type, and you have the full range of inputs. I know for me, I'm sort of lucky, because there is rarely that kind of doubt. Not because I'm better than you, but because it's just how my brain works. It's not that I don't prefer certain things, but it seems like my brain goes "tolerate, tolerate, tolerate, tolerate, tolerate... DONE", and at that point it's almost not even a choice. Does that make sense?
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No doubt I was in a funk and I clearly told her that. Of course she is allowed to have moods to, but making a comment that Im not giving her enough of my attention isn't really a mood, but more of a really poorly timed comment. I totally think it's possible and likely I over reacted in my own response, which is why I threw it out here. You say you give 2 shots, to me that was the second shot with the first being her going nuts over having tinder installed on my phone (which I also explained to her I wasn't even using). Bottom line, after coming out of my funk I do feel bad about just ending whatever we had so abruptly, but I have not ended a FWB type of scenario before so even if I didnt react so quickly, I most likely would have had to end this sooner than later anyway because she was giving me a lot of signs of a personality that I would conflict with.
Well, you undoubtedly know better (and I mean that sincerely). I can only go on what you type, and you have the full range of inputs. I know for me, I'm sort of lucky, because there is rarely that kind of doubt. Not because I'm better than you, but because it's just how my brain works. It's not that I don't prefer certain things, but it seems like my brain goes "tolerate, tolerate, tolerate, tolerate, tolerate... DONE", and at that point it's almost not even a choice. Does that make sense?
Definitely and that was kind of how I felt when this happened, just after my head cooled and had a few days pass I was no longer so sure if my reaction was overblown or not. Regardless, her reaction to my reaction was ridiculous. I had her number blocked from sending me alerts so that my phone would stop buzzing and I realized yesterday that she is still texting me calling me an asshole lol.
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I definitely belong in this club. I've been actively/obsessively searching for a woman the past year because I hate dating around. I've never been in a relationship that lasted more than a month. I have no problem getting dates/laid, but I just can't get women to stick around. I've been on around 30 dates/hangouts (all from OKC/POF/Tinder) since last May, banged just over half of them, but can't get any to stick around for more than 3-5 dates. I thought maybe my sexual approach to chatting with girls online was just attracting promiscuous women who are afraid of monogamy, but I've tried more friendly approaches and the result is the same. I think part of the problem is just the online dating culture in general; girls are just more picky online because they have so many option at their fingertips at all times. I guess the obvious answer could be that it's just me, but I really don't believe that's true in most of these cases. Ugh, guess I'll try the ole real world, which is hard because I don't have a social circle, go to school, and work with nothing but guys.
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So I got some chocolate for the girl at work to give to her on Valentine's Day (or the day after, since that's when we work together) The only thing I'm nervous about is that maybe it carries more weight then when I gave her a birthday present and Christmas present. I mean, it's just a day, but I'm nervous about it.
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Nice, go for it with the chocolate!
Going to meet a girl for the first time tonight from okcupid. Not sure what to expect but we've been texting for a week now and she has a really good sense of humor, she actually makes me laugh which is awesome. Judging by the pictures, she may end up being the cutest girl i've seen since I broke up with my fiance, but I will know for sure tonight (assuming she doesnt cancel).
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Good luck! You're in NJ. I wonder if I've seen this girl's profile before.
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Good luck! You're in NJ. I wonder if I've seen this girl's profile before.
Id say its very possible. Im not far at all from SI, I think less than 10 miles and she is even closer to SI than me.
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Then I have definitely seen her. I include NJ in my searches since I literally live down the street from the Outerbridge.
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Then I have definitely seen her. I include NJ in my searches since I literally live down the street from the Outerbridge.
Oh nice, you are very close to me then. Im right off exit 117 on the parkway. That crazy girl I ranted a bit about last week probably lives very close to you. Youd definitely seen her. Id tell you her name but I dont want competition :biggrin:
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Then I have definitely seen her. I include NJ in my searches since I literally live down the street from the Outerbridge.
Oh nice, you are very close to me then. Im right off exit 117 on the parkway. That crazy girl I ranted a bit about last week probably lives very close to you. Youd definitely seen her. Id tell you her name but I dont want competition :biggrin:
:lol You can PM it to me if you don't want the general public seeing it. ;)
Nah, no competition here. I hope to find someone on Staten Island. I just keep NJ in my searches because I live so close.
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Not a bad first date, just went to a bar that she mentioned in chatting she really liked so best to go somewhere in her comfort zone. Had a couple drinks and just chiiled for a few hours. She is definitely larger than what she comes off as in her pictures. Im overweight myself so I dont really hold that as a problem especially if the girl is still cute which she was. Has a very pretty face and great smile. We have a lot in common which is really cool and she is really into music which is a huge plus although we have no common bands, but we both appreciated our love for music. She was giving me the look that she really liked me. I could be reading it wrong, but she was smiling in a way that I knew she has real interest, like every time our conversation would get to a slow point she would just look me in the eye and give this huge smile to which I would smile back and say what? and she would just blush. Really cute. We didnt kiss or anything, I was really tired and it was getting late for me since I wake up at 6am so we hugged on the way out and I think she may have wanted to kiss and while I would have, I just thought it was best to leave that for the next time. Let her think about it like I am now.
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It sounds like it really went well, my friend. Taking it slow is always good in my book. I would rather savor the moments than rush into everything in a couple of weeks leaving nothing left to explore.
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It sounds like it really went well, my friend. Taking it slow is always good in my book. I would rather savor the moments than rush into everything in a couple of weeks leaving nothing left to explore.
Yea, while its fun to go at it on a first date, its also more rewarding to take time. Im in no rush anyway.
Edit: She is coming over to my place tonight. Going to do dinner and then back to my place to watch a movie. :corn
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She is coming over to my place tonight. Going to do dinner and then back to my place to watch a movie. :corn
Bow chicka wow.
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It sounds like it really went well, my friend. Taking it slow is always good in my book. I would rather savor the moments than rush into everything in a couple of weeks leaving nothing left to explore.
Yea, while its fun to go at it on a first date, its also more rewarding to take time. Im in no rush anyway.
Edit: She is coming over to my place tonight. Going to do dinner and then back to my place to watch a movie. :corn
Cook for her. Chicks love dudes that can cook. If you have to get catering and just put it in the oven before she arrives.
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It sounds like it really went well, my friend. Taking it slow is always good in my book. I would rather savor the moments than rush into everything in a couple of weeks leaving nothing left to explore.
Yea, while its fun to go at it on a first date, its also more rewarding to take time. Im in no rush anyway.
Edit: She is coming over to my place tonight. Going to do dinner and then back to my place to watch a movie. :corn
Cook for her. Chicks love dudes that can cook. If you have to get catering and just put it in the oven before she arrives.
Too early to cook for her. I don't want to spoil her or do something too soon that would be difficult to keep up with if we started seeing each other more often. Im honestly going to take her somewhere like a chain restaurant close by my house thats nothing special. If things go well then go to a nicer place and if things get serious then I cook for her. My younger brother who lives with me cooked for a girl on their first date and I thought he set the bar too high for himself with that, but then again she is still seeing him so who knows.
Should also add that I am not master in the kitchen, while I have a few dishes I can make well, it is also easier to go somewhere and let her pick what she wants vs. me only giving her a couple options which she may not even like.
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Well, my girl friend paid on our first date, so I'm probably not the most qualified at giving advice :lol
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Well, my girl friend paid on our first date, so I'm probably not the most qualified at giving advice :lol
haha good girl! I almost always pay, I feel more like a gentleman that way, but I really appreciate it and like it when the woman offers. I didnt like how this girl didnt even make a move for her wallet the other night even if it was only a couple drinks, I always thought on a first date the woman should at least offer to pay for herself if nothing else and not expect the guy to pay since in this case was more of a lets meet in person and get to know each other a bit more vs. a serious date.
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Well our circumstance was a little unique. We had hit it off on Tinder and text messaging amazingly. We had planned our second date before going on the first one (back to back nights). The first night was just a meet and greet at a bar, the second night was the dinner at a pricier (not super fancy) place. She gave our waitress her credit card when she went to the bathroom, so I never even got the opportunity or option to pay. She figured two things; 1) the following night was going to be expensive, she didn't want me spending all that money on her on the first weekend. 2) We stayed out after the bar, she didn't want me to pay becuse, had the rest of the night gone bad, she didn't want to feel like she owed me anything for the evening. Makes sense to me. I didn't have a problem with it. I've been on a lot of first dates, and never has the girl paid outright. Some have split it, but none had ever picked up the whole check. She scored a lot of points that night. I respected her for doing it, and not only because it saved me $50.
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Wow, thats really nice of her though to think of it like that, looks like you found a good girl then because if her thought mechanics are "I want to pay so if things dont go well I wont feel like I owe you" then she seems very unselfish and has good morals/personality.
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I'm not saying it's a rule or anything, but there's a degree to which none of this stuff matters. It does, of course (first impressions, and what not) but on one level, regardless of how well the night goes, if she decides to never see you again because you went to Chili's instead of cooking for her, honestly, is that the girl you want?
The one caveat to that is, I try not to do something out of character UNLESS I know it is special to her. Meaning, if I never go to a martini bar on my own, when we select places to go, I'm not picking a martini bar UNLESS I know it is her favorite (and we would go there if we were a couple).
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Relationships are about compromise. There is no way you are going to meet someone who likes exactly the same things as you so at some point the both of you will introducing the other to something new. If someone isn't willing to experience who you are in full, then it's time to beg for one more blow job and then break it off with her gently.
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So much hatred for Valentine's Day.
I disliked it when I was technically with someone...
And I HATE it when I am alone. So many happy couples I've seen today. Just reminds me of how lonely I've been.
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I watch hockey, horror movies and drink.
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No interest in Hockey nor Horror Movies.. But will probably have a drink or 6 soon.
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I was never a fan of it, even when I was married or dating someone. Nothing ever gets done on this day that I don't do plenty of during the rest of the year.
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My second date went well Friday night, she spent the night and saturday morning I asked her to be my valentine lol. Her plans fell through for tonight and I never made any so shes coming back over.
I'm not a vday fan and this year worked out well since I didn't have to do anything special and ended up spending the night in with a friend boozin.
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I think Valentine's Day is worse when you're with someone. There's the expectation that you're supposed to do something. When you're single it's just the same as every other day. Thankfully my wife doesn't really care about it very much. We just exchange cards and maybe get a little candy.
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My second date went well Friday night, she spent the night and saturday morning I asked her to be my valentine lol. Her plans fell through for tonight and I never made any so shes coming back over.
I'm not a vday fan and this year worked out well since I didn't have to do anything special and ended up spending the night in with a friend boozin.
That's great! I'm glad it's going well for you.
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My second date went well Friday night, she spent the night and saturday morning I asked her to be my valentine lol. Her plans fell through for tonight and I never made any so shes coming back over.
I'm not a vday fan and this year worked out well since I didn't have to do anything special and ended up spending the night in with a friend boozin.
That's great! I'm glad it's going well for you.
Last night was a lot of fun, went to Fridays for happy hour drinks and apps then back to my place. She wanted to introduce me to Arrested Development on netflix, but by the second episode we were busy and stopped watching. On a side note, my younger brother who lives in my house has been seeing a girl and took her virginity the other night so my house is turning into quite the love shack. :metal
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My second date went well Friday night, she spent the night and saturday morning I asked her to be my valentine lol. Her plans fell through for tonight and I never made any so shes coming back over.
I'm not a vday fan and this year worked out well since I didn't have to do anything special and ended up spending the night in with a friend boozin.
That's great! I'm glad it's going well for you.
Last night was a lot of fun, went to Fridays for happy hour drinks and apps then back to my place. She wanted to introduce me to Arrested Development on netflix, but by the second episode we were busy and stopped watching. On a side note, my younger brother who lives in my house has been seeing a girl and took her virginity the other night so my house is turning into quite the love shack. :metal
Maybe I'll bring my next lady there. ;)
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haha we can have a double okcupid date
and wow the crazy girl who i stopped talking to a few weeks ago wouldnt stop texting and calling me, i finally responded to her. She wants a NSA relationship now, I am considering since she is really cute. She wants to meet up tomorrow to talk. I am very hesitant though, she is kind of crazy.
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haha we can have a double okcupid date
and wow the crazy girl who i stopped talking to a few weeks ago wouldnt stop texting and calling me, i finally responded to her. She wants a NSA relationship now, I am considering since she is really cute. She wants to meet up tomorrow to talk. I am very hesitant though, she is kind of crazy.
Tough call seeing as you are now involved with another girl. Me, personally, I'd stay away from the crazy. No vagina is worth the crazy.
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I agree with Chino on this. Stick with that one girl. Things are going well so far. No sense in potentially messing that up for someone unstable. You never know what girls like that are capable of.
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I agree with Chino on this. Stick with that one girl. Things are going well so far. No sense in potentially messing that up for someone unstable. You never know what girls like that are capable of.
So this ^
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lol @ girl who had a huge thing all through high school showing a ton of interest in me again as of late.
Too bad she is like... in Seattle.
And I'm not.
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I've had suitors ... but I've never really be interested in any of them. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, my friends think I am a lesbian, but I feel that I was gay, I would know. I wonder if I've just never met the right person yet. Lately, I feel like I'll end up a crazy old dog lady.
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I've had suitors ... but I've never really be interested in any of them. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, my friends think I am a lesbian, but I feel that I was gay, I would know. I wonder if I've just never met the right person yet. Lately, I feel like I'll end up a crazy old dog lady.
Everyone in this thread thinks there is something wrong with themselves, not excluding myself. It's unfortunately the way society has conditioned us. There is hope though. Just stay true to yourself and someone deserving will come around and appreciate that uniqueness in you.
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Speak for yourself. There is nothing wrong with me ;D I've dated other doctorate holders who said I was too smart for them...and I completely agreed with their assessment.
The further you deviate from average in any aspect of your physical/emotional/intellectual development in either the positive or negative direction, the harder it will be to find people who are like you and more likely compatible.
At least that's my observation.
Look on the bright side Selraire, there are plenty of guys who will fawn over you here if that's what you want.
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I've had suitors ... but I've never really be interested in any of them. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, my friends think I am a lesbian, but I feel that I was gay, I would know. I wonder if I've just never met the right person yet. Lately, I feel like I'll end up a crazy old dog lady.
But in reality, there is something wrong with everyone. No one is perfect. Its about knowing what is wrong and trying to be better.
For me, I am extremely selfish and even self absorbed. I know and understand this. It is something my X brought up a lot, its something I try to be aware of, but it is also something I continue to do.
So just because something may be wrong does not mean you can't be interested in someone or someone cant be interested in you, but you likely haven't found someone that you can connect with on either an emotional or physical level.
anyway,
I agree with Chino on this. Stick with that one girl. Things are going well so far. No sense in potentially messing that up for someone unstable. You never know what girls like that are capable of.
So this ^
yea... i didnt listen. I sometimes think with the wrong head. She is coming over tonight. I dont know what to think or how to feel about this and a very large part of me knows its a bad idea, but the other part of me is really interested to see what happens.
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I've had suitors ... but I've never really be interested in any of them. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, my friends think I am a lesbian, but I feel that I was gay, I would know. I wonder if I've just never met the right person yet. Lately, I feel like I'll end up a crazy old dog lady.
Is that better or worse than being a crazy old cat lady?
I don't know, these things have a way of figuring themselves out. You can only "think" through hormones and emotions so much. Unless it is starting to affect your life, I'm not sure I would worry about it too much. At some point someone (man or woman) is going to say something or do something, and you will take notice and be thinking about it hours (or even days) later, and BOOM! before you know it, you will have proof positive that nothing is "wrong" with you. You are just you.
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Speak for yourself. There is nothing wrong with me ;D I've dated other doctorate holders who said I was too smart for them...and I completely agreed with their assessment.
The further you deviate from average in any aspect of your physical/emotional/intellectual development in either the positive or negative direction, the harder it will be to find people who are like you and more likely compatible.
At least that's my observation.
Look on the bright side Selraire, there are plenty of guys who will fawn over you here if that's what you want.
In the interest of conversation, I would argue with you - strenuously - on that. Not the interest in Selraire part, as I am pretty certain you are correct on that point, but the "deviation from average" part. It has nothing to do with who or what you are, it has everything to do with what you want/need. I, too, am comfortable with myself to a high degree, but I also find that I do not want to date myself. I'm not looking for someone with my exact traits/skills/strength. In fact, I've dated like that in the past and frankly could not get out of there fast enough. It isn't that I don't like myself, but sometimes "compatibility" isn't "sameness", it is "complementariness". For me, especially where I am in my life now, I want someone who complements me, fills in the gaps where perhaps I am not as strong as I want to be, and who I can supplement and support in the ways that perhaps she isn't as strong as she would like to be.
And on top of all that, even then, there is always the intangible. I met a girl right after I got divorced that was smart (Ivy League Master's), funny, loved all kinds of music (we would trade "song of the day" and she was open to Deep Purple to Robin Thicke), enjoyed St. Patty's Day like a champ, our families came from similar parts of the world, was basically GGG, very attractive (though a shade heavy for me, which is saying something, because I don't like "skinny"), and yet... nothing. On paper, it's hard to see a better match, but in real life, there just isn't anything. It's hard for her, because I think she wants something more, but I just have zero romantic feelings for her, even though I could easily see her being a close if not best friend.
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But in reality, there is something wrong with everyone. No one is perfect. Its about knowing what is wrong and trying to be better.
For me, I am extremely selfish and even self absorbed. I know and understand this. It is something my X brought up a lot, its something I try to be aware of, but it is also something I continue to do.
So just because something may be wrong does not mean you can't be interested in someone or someone cant be interested in you, but you likely haven't found someone that you can connect with on either an emotional or physical level.
Well, I know what you're saying, and of course you're right, but as others have said, within reason, it's hard to classify that as "wrong". I'm not one of those that thinks that all kids should get trophies for trying (in fact the exact opposite), but short of criminal behavior or sociopathic behavior, I think it's okay in the romantic department to be a little lenient. There is, in my humble opinion, someone for everyone. Literally. It's just a matter of being patient until you find it, recognizing it when you do find it, and being open and available when you recognize it (none of which are easy, at all).
yea... i didnt listen. I sometimes think with the wrong head. She is coming over tonight. I dont know what to think or how to feel about this and a very large part of me knows its a bad idea, but the other part of me is really interested to see what happens.
Well, except for the fact that if it goes south, someone besides you is going to be hurt (you have to own that), as long as you are willing to live with the consequences, it's your party. I will say this, though; in my humble and not that limited experience, a truly - in every sense of the word - NSA relationship is as rare as a Kevin Moore sighting. It may be "NSA" in terms of "you don't have to stay the night" or "you don't have to buy me flowers for Valentine's Day", but I say the odds of "Crazy" somehow, some way letting the other girl know she exists - and what services she's providing - are pretty high.
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I agree with Chino on this. Stick with that one girl. Things are going well so far. No sense in potentially messing that up for someone unstable. You never know what girls like that are capable of.
So this ^
yea... i didnt listen. I sometimes think with the wrong head. She is coming over tonight. I dont know what to think or how to feel about this and a very large part of me knows its a bad idea, but the other part of me is really interested to see what happens.
Sucks for the new girl that apparently likes/trusts you.
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I agree with Chino on this. Stick with that one girl. Things are going well so far. No sense in potentially messing that up for someone unstable. You never know what girls like that are capable of.
So this ^
yea... i didnt listen. I sometimes think with the wrong head. She is coming over tonight. I dont know what to think or how to feel about this and a very large part of me knows its a bad idea, but the other part of me is really interested to see what happens.
Not what I was hoping to hear. You should be bounced from the Lonely Hearts Club Thread and moved to the In It For The Buttsects Thread. ;)
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So yeah, my girlfriend since two and a half year broke up with me this weekend.
I'm a bit heartbroken, yes, but part of me sensed this was coming. Our relationship wasn't nearly as strong near the end.
I'm just gonna take it easy for a while now and take time to inspect my own feelings on this. The last time a relationship ended, I was devasted and outright depressed for more than a year. This time, it's gonna be a lot easier. I'm much more experienced and have a better grip on myself.
And also, this time I'm not gonna be stupid enough to keep her as a friend in the hope that she will eventually take me back. :lol
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Sad to hear that, Lynxo :(
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So yeah, my girlfriend since two and a half year broke up with me this weekend.
I'm a bit heartbroken, yes, but part of me sensed this was coming. Our relationship wasn't nearly as strong near the end.
I'm just gonna take it easy for a while now and take time to inspect my own feelings on this. The last time a relationship ended, I was devasted and outright depressed for more than a year. This time, it's gonna be a lot easier. I'm much more experienced and have a better grip on myself.
And also, this time I'm not gonna be stupid enough to keep her as a friend in the hope that she will eventually take me back. :lol
Sorry to hear that. :sad:
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So yeah, my girlfriend since two and a half year broke up with me this weekend.
I'm a bit heartbroken, yes, but part of me sensed this was coming. Our relationship wasn't nearly as strong near the end.
I'm just gonna take it easy for a while now and take time to inspect my own feelings on this. The last time a relationship ended, I was devasted and outright depressed for more than a year. This time, it's gonna be a lot easier. I'm much more experienced and have a better grip on myself.
And also, this time I'm not gonna be stupid enough to keep her as a friend in the hope that she will eventually take me back. :lol
*bro hug*
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So yeah, my girlfriend since two and a half year broke up with me this weekend.
I'm a bit heartbroken, yes, but part of me sensed this was coming. Our relationship wasn't nearly as strong near the end.
I'm just gonna take it easy for a while now and take time to inspect my own feelings on this. The last time a relationship ended, I was devasted and outright depressed for more than a year. This time, it's gonna be a lot easier. I'm much more experienced and have a better grip on myself.
And also, this time I'm not gonna be stupid enough to keep her as a friend in the hope that she will eventually take me back. :lol
Damn dude. How did that play out with Valentine's Day if you don't mind me asking?
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Thanks guys. :) I'm okay though. Not great, but okay.
So yeah, my girlfriend since two and a half year broke up with me this weekend.
I'm a bit heartbroken, yes, but part of me sensed this was coming. Our relationship wasn't nearly as strong near the end.
I'm just gonna take it easy for a while now and take time to inspect my own feelings on this. The last time a relationship ended, I was devasted and outright depressed for more than a year. This time, it's gonna be a lot easier. I'm much more experienced and have a better grip on myself.
And also, this time I'm not gonna be stupid enough to keep her as a friend in the hope that she will eventually take me back. :lol
Damn dude. How did that play out with Valentine's Day if you don't mind me asking?
Well, we never planned anything for that. Both of us feels it's stupid to be romantic just because it's a specific date that neither of us cares about.
Also, she went to a Tenacious D concert that day instead. :lol
The only thing I suppose I could be upset about is the fact that she broke up on Facebook. She had an entire week to do that (we live in separate cities and she was here the entire week) but she didn't do it in person. She did it the day after she left - hiding behind a computer screen.
But really, my other ex broke up with me in a MUCH, MUCH, MUCH worse way so with that in mind, I'm not angry about it at all really.
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Well, this should cheer you up because according to James LaBrie, love is in the air.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qP6pmJdQZ0
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Thanks guys. :) I'm okay though. Not great, but okay.
So yeah, my girlfriend since two and a half year broke up with me this weekend.
I'm a bit heartbroken, yes, but part of me sensed this was coming. Our relationship wasn't nearly as strong near the end.
I'm just gonna take it easy for a while now and take time to inspect my own feelings on this. The last time a relationship ended, I was devasted and outright depressed for more than a year. This time, it's gonna be a lot easier. I'm much more experienced and have a better grip on myself.
And also, this time I'm not gonna be stupid enough to keep her as a friend in the hope that she will eventually take me back. :lol
Damn dude. How did that play out with Valentine's Day if you don't mind me asking?
Well, we never planned anything for that. Both of us feels it's stupid to be romantic just because it's a specific date that neither of us cares about.
Also, she went to a Tenacious D concert that day instead. :lol
The only thing I suppose I could be upset about is the fact that she broke up on Facebook. She had an entire week to do that (we live in separate cities and she was here the entire week) but she didn't do it in person. She did it the day after she left - hiding behind a computer screen.
But really, my other ex broke up with me in a MUCH, MUCH, MUCH worse way so with that in mind, I'm not angry about it at all really.
Wow sorry to hear about that, but a 2+ year relationship and she breaks up with you on facebook? That doesnt seem right.
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Hell I was dumped from a 4 year relationship on Facebook once. On Easter. A week before my birthday.
:lol
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Holy shit, thats terrible. I can understand if you are doing the long distance thing that a face to face would probably not be doable, but not even a phone call?
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Reiterating my standing belief that FB is the tool of the Devil. :)
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So if someone broke up with you via text, that would make the phone the tool of the devil? It's the people that suck.
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SO my evening just took a huge shit on itself.
Now it's going to consist of liquor, The Wall, and FB chatting with a girl I absolutely love but will forever be friendzoned by.
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My wife (now ex) and I agreed to divorce over a text message.
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Well that was consensual.
Getting dumped via text or whatever is not. That's like... rape
but the opposite
I think.
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Well that was consensual.
Getting dumped via text or whatever is not. That's like... rape
but the opposite
I think.
It's a result of my terrible anxiety. I have this inability to express myself when face-to-face with someone, especially if it's something negative. I communicate over text and such instead. It's bad. It's getting worse as I get older.
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I've had suitors ... but I've never really be interested in any of them. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, my friends think I am a lesbian, but I feel that I was gay, I would know. I wonder if I've just never met the right person yet. Lately, I feel like I'll end up a crazy old dog lady.
Everyone in this thread thinks there is something wrong with themselves, not excluding myself. It's unfortunately the way society has conditioned us. There is hope though. Just stay true to yourself and someone deserving will come around and appreciate that uniqueness in you.
Yeah, that's true. I have some pretty specific tastes, like retro-videogames (stuff from SNES and PSX era, pixel games), progressive rock/metal and mountaineering. I never really meet many people that share them around here.
I rarely meet anyone that shares those tastes, and when I do, I have a 'bro' relationship with them more than anything romantic.
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I've had suitors ... but I've never really be interested in any of them. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, my friends think I am a lesbian, but I feel that I was gay, I would know. I wonder if I've just never met the right person yet. Lately, I feel like I'll end up a crazy old dog lady.
Everyone in this thread thinks there is something wrong with themselves, not excluding myself. It's unfortunately the way society has conditioned us. There is hope though. Just stay true to yourself and someone deserving will come around and appreciate that uniqueness in you.
Yeah, that's true. I have some pretty specific tastes, like retro-videogames (stuff from SNES and PSX era, pixel games), progressive rock/metal and mountaineering. I never really meet many people that share them around here.
I rarely meet anyone that shares those tastes, and when I do, I have a 'bro' relationship with them more than anything romantic.
It's awkward, I know. It's like if I meet a female Dream Theater fan, or just a prog rock fan in general, she becomes my aspiration. Usually they're so far away that it would seem futile to attempt a relationship with them. SNES is great by the way. I got rid of my system years ago but I still use an emulator on my laptop to play from time to time.
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Yeah, all of the people I know that are into Dream Theater are folks I met from online communities. Sometimes I'll fly out to hang around and play games, though its such a hassle. Day to day life is pretty lonely, so I just sit on Twitch and watch other folks play games. I had pals, but they were all Asian girls who were interested in Korean pop. Yeah ... I was always the odd duck. Even the gentlemen from where I was at wasn't really into that sort of music.
I don't know, kindred spirits are just so hard to come by.
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Yeah, all of the people I know that are into Dream Theater are folks I met from online communities. Sometimes I'll fly out to hang around and play games, though its such a hassle. Day to day life is pretty lonely, so I just sit on Twitch and watch other folks play games. I had pals, but they were all Asian girls who were interested in Korean pop. Yeah ... I was always the odd duck. Even the gentlemen from where I was at wasn't really into that sort of music.
I don't know, kindred spirits are just so hard to come by.
Flying around to meet with people like yourself can definitely be a hassle...and discouraging. It's like your saying to yourself, 'this is what I have to do to find people like myself.' Trust me, I get it. I had long distance relationships early on just because here where I live, I stick out like sore thumb. Now I'm divorced and basically have to start over again and it's not easy. If I didn't have my daughter here, I'd probably meet someone elsewhere just to relocate and start over.
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Well that was consensual.
Getting dumped via text or whatever is not. That's like... rape
but the opposite
I think.
It's a result of my terrible anxiety. I have this inability to express myself when face-to-face with someone, especially if it's something negative. I communicate over text and such instead. It's bad. It's getting worse as I get older.
Man, I have that same type of issue. With my x, I always struggled to say the words I felt when having a really serious relationship conversation, especially negative. I am way better at typing out my feelings than saying them so I totally understand. I am also way better at speaking my mind and feelings when I smoke weed too, I think it like unlocks something in my brain that enables me to speak my feelings.
Yeah, all of the people I know that are into Dream Theater are folks I met from online communities. Sometimes I'll fly out to hang around and play games, though its such a hassle. Day to day life is pretty lonely, so I just sit on Twitch and watch other folks play games. I had pals, but they were all Asian girls who were interested in Korean pop. Yeah ... I was always the odd duck. Even the gentlemen from where I was at wasn't really into that sort of music.
I don't know, kindred spirits are just so hard to come by.
What? There are no DT/Gamer fans where you live? Thats a really costly way to meet someone, and I thought paying the toll to get into Staten Island was bad :biggrin:
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Wow sorry to hear about that, but a 2+ year relationship and she breaks up with you on facebook? That doesnt seem right.
Well, I agree to a certain degree. She was here on Saturday and left early Sunday morning. And she broke the news that same Sunday evening. Yeah, she really should have told me when she was here but maybe she tried and couldn't do it?
No matter what, I don't hold it against her. After all, I've been through a HELL of a lot worse than that.
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Wow sorry to hear about that, but a 2+ year relationship and she breaks up with you on facebook? That doesnt seem right.
Well, I agree to a certain degree. She was here on Saturday and left early Sunday morning. And she broke the news that same Sunday evening. Yeah, she really should have told me when she was here but maybe she tried and couldn't do it?
No matter what, I don't hold it against her. After all, I've been through a HELL of a lot worse than that.
No doubt its definitely a tough thing to talk about, but after 2 and a half years I would think you'd deserve better than that and she should show a bit more respect for you, but I dont know the situation and maybe that was more fitting? Oh well, sorry for you and hopefully you can pick up the pieces and find the right woman when you are ready.
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I don't know how your relationship with her started, but I just want to throw this out there.
We live in a world where relationships can be had in many different ways. I'm probably the outsider on this one, but I don't consider a breakup over the internet to be that bad or cowardly. Here's how I see it. I absolutely sucked with walking up to girls and starting a conversation. That to me was just as hard and terrifying for me as breaking up with someone to their face is for others. I not only resorted to the internet, but to a fucking cellphone application in hopes that I could maybe strike up a conversation with a cool girl (paid off big time).
But my point is, it wasn't too long ago, maybe 5-7 years, when using the internet to find a partner was consider taboo, and in most cases it came with a negative stigma. I remember people (myself included) almost being ashamed to admit that I was using such services. People thought it was cowardly to have to look for females from behind screen. These days, it is the societal norm. Of my close group of 6 friends, 4 of us are in a long term relationship that started online. Looking at my girlfriend and I, although we have a house together, we still have 100+ text message conversations every day. So much of our relationship, literally since the beginning, has been made possible by our access to technology.
My girlfriend and I use technology as an aid to conflict resolution. Her and I are both very emotional people. The last thing either of us wants to do is hurt the other one, and that's very easy to do face to face. Especially if you struggle with thinking up things to say on the spot. For whatever reason, and I'm conviced of this, certain conversations are made worse by having the face to face element. It's easy to say things without thinking things through. Not to mention, it makes things that should be simple to resolve take forever to do so. It's too easy to see the other one upset and play off that emotion rather than focussing on carrying out the conversation that needs to be had. Some of the biggest hurdles in my relationship were settled in 5-10 text messages. It's fantastic honestly. We both say what we have to say and it's done with.
So I ask the question, are we going to reach a point where ending a relationship with technology becomes just as normal as starting one with it? I think so, and I don't necessarily think that's the worst thing in the world.
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I don't know how your relationship with her started, but I just want to throw this out there.
We live in a world where relationships can be had in many different ways. I'm probably the outsider on this one, but I don't consider a breakup over the internet to be that bad or cowardly. Here's how I see it. I absolutely sucked with walking up to girls and starting a conversation. That to me was just as hard and terrifying for me as breaking up with someone to their face is for others. I not only resorted to the internet, but to a fucking cellphone application in hopes that I could maybe strike up a conversation with a cool girl (paid off big time).
But my point is, it wasn't too long ago, maybe 5-7 years, when using the internet to find a partner was consider taboo, and in most cases it came with a negative stigma. I remember people (myself included) almost being ashamed to admit that I was using such services. People thought it was cowardly to have to look for females from behind screen. These days, it is the societal norm. Of my close group of 6 friends, 4 of us are in a long term relationship that started online. Looking at my girlfriend and I, although we have a house together, we still have 100+ text message conversations every day. So much of our relationship, literally since the beginning, has been made possible by our access to technology.
My girlfriend and I use technology as an aid to conflict resolution. Her and I are both very emotional people. The last thing either of us wants to do is hurt the other one, and that's very easy to do face to face. Especially if you struggle with thinking up things to say on the spot. For whatever reason, and I'm conviced of this, certain conversations are made worse by having the face to face element. It's easy to say things without thinking things through. Not to mention, it makes things that should be simple to resolve take forever to do so. It's too easy to see the other one upset and play off that emotion rather than focussing on carrying out the conversation that needs to be had. Some of the biggest hurdles in my relationship were settled in 5-10 text messages. It's fantastic honestly. We both say what we have to say and it's done with.
So I ask the question, are we going to reach a point where ending a relationship with technology becomes just as normal as starting one with it? I think so, and I don't necessarily think that's the worst thing in the world.
You make some really good points there.
I've had two relationships and I met both girls online. That allowed us to really get to know each other even before we first met. With both of them, I fell in love just from the messages alone! And I always thought it felt perfectly natural.
And with both girls, we conversed every day on SMS or Messenger or Facebook or whatever, which also felt natural. I mean, yeah, off course we hooked up and went on dates as everybody else, you can't replace that! But technology has helped me not only meeting new people but also to sustain the relationships.
So all things considered, as I've said, I'm not mad she chose to end it on Facebook. Yeah, it wasn't the best way to go about it but it's not that big of a deal, really.
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I dont think using technology to end a relationship is necessarily rude or bad, but that depends on the relationship. If its short term then I dont see a reason why not to just text or fb, but something like 2+ years seems kind of extreme. You'd likely at that point have experiences so much together that is it really that much to ask to pick up a phone and say it or tell them to their face? Very difficult to do, but if you can manage to have a long term relationship, having a difficult conversation should be something you should do. I also said I am very difficult at speaking my emotions face to face and I totally get how texting makes things easier and in many ways better. I've text one girl who I went out with a couple times to let her know I was not interested, we only met twice. I think thats fine. My x fiance, I obviously told her face to face. I dont have enough other examples of my experiences. The one girl I met on tinder decided to just ignore me after 6 dates, I really thought that was rude and unnecessary. I didnt expect a face to face or phone call for that, but I thought a text saying she didnt want to still see me would suffice. Maybe thats why i feel strongly about it, because I didn't like being ignored without reason and I think id be really pissed if a long term relationship ended via text or fb.
I also think theres a big difference between meeting someone online and ending it online. When you meet someone online you dont know them so its not a big deal to start a text convo or whatever, but once you know them why does ending it online make sense?
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I dont think using technology to end a relationship is necessarily rude or bad, but that depends on the relationship. If its short term then I dont see a reason why not to just text or fb, but something like 2+ years seems kind of extreme. You'd likely at that point have experiences so much together that is it really that much to ask to pick up a phone and say it or tell them to their face? Very difficult to do, but if you can manage to have a long term relationship, having a difficult conversation should be something you should do. I also said I am very difficult at speaking my emotions face to face and I totally get how texting makes things easier and in many ways better. I've text one girl who I went out with a couple times to let her know I was not interested, we only met twice. I think thats fine. My x fiance, I obviously told her face to face. I dont have enough other examples of my experiences. The one girl I met on tinder decided to just ignore me after 6 dates, I really thought that was rude and unnecessary. I didnt expect a face to face or phone call for that, but I thought a text saying she didnt want to still see me would suffice. Maybe thats why i feel strongly about it, because I didn't like being ignored without reason and I think id be really pissed if a long term relationship ended via text or fb.
I also think theres a big difference between meeting someone online and ending it online. When you meet someone online you dont know them so its not a big deal to start a text convo or whatever, but once you know them why does ending it online make sense?
I think you're being too harsh here. I agree that it's not optimal but as you say - it depends on the relationsship. And if I say I think it's okay she did it that way, then that really should suffice as evidence that it works for some people.
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I dont think using technology to end a relationship is necessarily rude or bad, but that depends on the relationship. If its short term then I dont see a reason why not to just text or fb, but something like 2+ years seems kind of extreme. You'd likely at that point have experiences so much together that is it really that much to ask to pick up a phone and say it or tell them to their face? Very difficult to do, but if you can manage to have a long term relationship, having a difficult conversation should be something you should do. I also said I am very difficult at speaking my emotions face to face and I totally get how texting makes things easier and in many ways better. I've text one girl who I went out with a couple times to let her know I was not interested, we only met twice. I think thats fine. My x fiance, I obviously told her face to face. I dont have enough other examples of my experiences. The one girl I met on tinder decided to just ignore me after 6 dates, I really thought that was rude and unnecessary. I didnt expect a face to face or phone call for that, but I thought a text saying she didnt want to still see me would suffice. Maybe thats why i feel strongly about it, because I didn't like being ignored without reason and I think id be really pissed if a long term relationship ended via text or fb.
I also think theres a big difference between meeting someone online and ending it online. When you meet someone online you dont know them so its not a big deal to start a text convo or whatever, but once you know them why does ending it online make sense?
I think you're being too harsh here. I agree that it's not optimal but as you say - it depends on the relationsship. And if I say I think it's okay she did it that way, then that really should suffice as evidence that it works for some people.
Yes, if you say its fine for you then I cant argue that. I just personally wouldn't like it.
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Isn't it a matter of degree? I get where Chino is coming from, and to some degree, it is like that with my girlfriend. But I will say that if I have anything of any significance to say, I make sure I say it in person. I may write it down first to get the ideas and the flow down, but I say it live. It's not easy (not easy at all) but it is respectful to that other person. I feel I owe it to them to treat them with the respect of my time, my courage, and my effort.
In other words, the technology can help, and can abet a relationship that is otherwise strong, but I look at it this way: how strong is that relationship if you can't put something out there? This is coming from someone who COULDN'T always put things out there, but now that I am divorced, I realize that that was a huge red flag waving in my face... that I missed completely. The only exception I can think of (and I'm not implying anything here) is the case where the information would lead to a punch in the face, but that would be the exception, not the norm.
There's another side to this, too: my job is to equip my kids with as many tools as I possibly can, because they will have to deal with people that use technology, that don't use technology, that want to talk, that don't want to talk, and I can't - and won't - teach them to take the easy way out.
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Trying to meet someone online and breaking up with them online or be texts are two different beasts.
I think it's easy to text the break up then to do it face to face. It's never easy but what does that say about a person that you you had a relationship or spent a good deal of time with that they are only good to break up by a text? The hard route is always the right route.
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It's a result of my terrible anxiety. I have this inability to express myself when face-to-face with someone, especially if it's something negative. I communicate over text and such instead. It's bad. It's getting worse as I get older.
Man, I have that same type of issue. With my x, I always struggled to say the words I felt when having a really serious relationship conversation, especially negative. I am way better at typing out my feelings than saying them so I totally understand. I am also way better at speaking my mind and feelings when I smoke weed too, I think it like unlocks something in my brain that enables me to speak my feelings.
That's exactly it. I can type all day and express myself so easily.
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Not sure if I've been doing the right thing.
I had been hanging out with an old co-worker for a few months. Nothing ever happened beyond hugs. We would just go on hikes together, go out to eat, stuff like that. "Friend" stuff, you could say. We always seemed to have a good time; she's extremely easy for me to talk to (unlike 90% of women :P), and always seemed to enjoy my company. She's very down to earth and we just get along real well. I never got any signals that she wasn't interested or was trying to avoid me or something. I wouldn't say I was "clingy." We hung out about once every weekend for a good couple months. However, I was always, to my recollection, the one that asked her to hang out, and never vice versa.
So I decided to stop texting her, and instead see if she tries to contact me for a change. It's been a couple weeks now, and haven't heard from her.
:sadpanda:
Maybe she's just busy with her job and moving into a new place, I dunno. She also deleted her facebook. That's not abnormal (I've ceratinly contemplated it myself sometimes :lol), but I have a slight, slight suspicion she might have started seeing another guy and didn't want me to see that publicized on there.
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Why don't you text her and ask her what's up? Seems like you guys at least had a good friendship and that shouldn't be an odd thing to ask?
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Geez, I've been messaging a few different women on OKCupid and so far I'm not impressed with the response. I always hated this part of dating.
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Geez, I've been messaging a few different women on OKCupid and so far I'm not impressed with the response. I always hated this part of dating.
Their responses or lack of response? I say I get ignored something like 9 out of 10 times. The worst is they look at your profile after you message them and get no response, that's some rejection :lol
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Geez, I've been messaging a few different women on OKCupid and so far I'm not impressed with the response. I always hated this part of dating.
Their responses or lack of response? I say I get ignored something like 9 out of 10 times. The worst is they look at your profile after you message them and get no response, that's some rejection :lol
It's discouraging sometimes. If they're looking for a real relationship then I'm not sure what scares them from my profile.
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Geez, I've been messaging a few different women on OKCupid and so far I'm not impressed with the response. I always hated this part of dating.
Their responses or lack of response? I say I get ignored something like 9 out of 10 times. The worst is they look at your profile after you message them and get no response, that's some rejection :lol
It's discouraging sometimes. If they're looking for a real relationship then I'm not sure what scares them from my profile.
I'm not sold that all or most women are looking for relationships on that site, even when they explicitly say they are. I've never used any other site besides Tinder and OKcupid, but I really get the feeling that there is only a small subset of people actually looking for real relationships on those sites/apps. I wonder if some of the other paid sites like match.com are better for that since if you pay then you are a bit more committed to finding someone?
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Geez, I've been messaging a few different women on OKCupid and so far I'm not impressed with the response. I always hated this part of dating.
Their responses or lack of response? I say I get ignored something like 9 out of 10 times. The worst is they look at your profile after you message them and get no response, that's some rejection :lol
It's discouraging sometimes. If they're looking for a real relationship then I'm not sure what scares them from my profile.
I'm not sold that all or most women are looking for relationships on that site, even when they explicitly say they are. I've never used any other site besides Tinder and OKcupid, but I really get the feeling that there is only a small subset of people actually looking for real relationships on those sites/apps. I wonder if some of the other paid sites like match.com are better for that since if you pay then you are a bit more committed to finding someone?
As someone who used Match successfully (going on a year and a half now), I can unequivocally say "there are some weird people out there". I think the problem is that the expectations are different and the means of communication is as well.
I will talk to anyone at any time. So if I'm in a bar (and I often go to my local by myself, just to have a bite to eat or chat with the bartenders, who are all cute and about half my age) I have no issue with striking up a random conversation with someone, because for me, it isn't about "meeting the one". It's about having a brief random conversation with someone. And usually you can tell within about ten minutes or so if there is any desire for the conversation to turn more meaningful. You don't have that option on an OKCupid or a Match. People don't write like they talk (and when they do - brb, LOL, OMG I am so hppy 4 2! - they sound like total a-holes) and so it is hard to be discriminating.
I did meet someone on Match that I have remained friends with, even though there is no romantic spark, and at one point we were talking about this, and she pointed something out to me: I had the same lofty opinion of my profile, and she had me search for men, my age, and see what I came up with. I was stunned to get... about 25 profiles almost exactly like mine. EVERY guy is smart, fun, loves music, yadda yadda yadda. So your "9 out of 10 rejection" isn't likely a direct rejection of YOU, it's that for whatever reason, there was ten of you, identical like Stormtroopers, and she picked one - perhaps even at random - that wasn't you.
I think the one thing I learned from internet dating that I had not been terribly successful at doing before that (and CERTAINLY not when I was younger) is embracing the Gene Simmons method of dating: ONLY THE "YES"'s COUNT. Whether you ask one girl or ten or a hundred, if only one says "YES", it doesn't matter, because, ONE SAID YES.
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Maybe I should fashion my profile more to be like a better representation of myself. I really hate filling those things out so I wind up doing something quick and it comes out as you see it there. If I didn't get so anxious and rush through it, I would probably come up with something really unique. It's just a matter of taking the time (shut up) and putting into it what I want out of it.
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Be careful not to come off as too eager though. I've come across many female profiles (before I met Victoria) where I just think they are trying way too hard. Almost desperate to an extent. That creates negative vibes (for me anyway) right off the bat. I'm very likely to pass on those.
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I think there is something to be said about the initial message you send out too. I usually find something in the woman's profile that I can use to spark a conversation, but I get the most responses by saying something very unique. Many woman flat out write in their profiles "dont just say hi or i will ignore" which is definitely true. It's hard to always have something unique to say, but a few examples from people who I've been able to spark conversations with and some have met:
"Your hero is Arya Stark? She is pretty bad ass. Im a Jon Snow fan, but Arya is my next favorite Stark."
"Devils fan? Boo, Rangers baby!"
"Padua is obviously Cupid's favorite place, you can see the look of love on everyone's face" My one time being in the school play and they had to make up a line for me in The Taming of the Shrew and somehow I still remember it. That was in 5th grade hahaha"
"Oh a fellow engineer 😊 I have a degree in computer engineering. I don't recall seeing any women as stunning as you in engineering."
"Good at gif/emoji texting? They need to implement that into the shitty chat on here. lol" yea im an idiot, it does work, but hey got a response and met
"How do I know if your profile is not just you acting?"
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That's some good advice. :tup Find something interesting in their profile worth commenting on. Make the effort and she will notice it too.
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There's no magic answer, but the closest I can come up with is BE FUNNY. Maybe it's because I don't look anything like Ben Barnes or Leo DiCaprio, but almost every single "connection" I've made (I would say "EVERY", but being safe) has been through something funny. Not "dick joke" funny, but clever funny.
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I think there is something to be said about the initial message you send out too. I usually find something in the woman's profile that I can use to spark a conversation, but I get the most responses by saying something very unique.
This, this, and this.
When I first messaged Victoria on Tinder, I opened with something like "Your bio quote reminds me of a lot the one I used in my yearbook - "*instert quote about life here*". I like it". Tinder can be tricky because the profile detail is so limited, but the more elaborate sites give you plenty of ammunition.
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Yup agreed about Tinder and hence why you see the websites with the cheesey tinder pick up lines.
And I also agree about the funny part. Women like to laugh (well dont we all?) and getting a woman to laugh really works wonders in getting her to want to talk to you.
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Usually with the first message I will find a couple of things from their profile to focus on just to show them I'm interested in them and not just there for a quickie. Though it always seems easier to find someone for that.
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So this wonderful girl I knew for about half a year and dated for about 3 months broke up with me just a few days ago, I felt that things were going perfect to be honest.
Get this: She breaks up with me via Facebook Messenger and the reason for breaking is up is she needs to be "closer to God".
Wat.
On to the next. :metal
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Sorry to hear that. I'm still waiting for the next one and I'm fucking miserable over the whole situation, the divorce, not seeing my daughter all of the time, living in an apartment on my own. It sucks and I'm just hoping that something good will happen soon. *vent over*
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I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I've always felt like when there's a barrage of bad things that happen, something good soon follows, and it's usually when you least expect it.
Like as far as my relationships have gone, they've all started when I wasn't necessarily looking but was on stand-by. I feel like when I'm constantly searching for someone it turns into a chore and nothing good comes out of it.
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I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I've always felt like when there's a barrage of bad things that happen, something good soon follows, and it's usually when you least expect it.
Like as far as my relationships have gone, they've all started when I wasn't necessarily looking but was on stand-by. I feel like when I'm constantly searching for someone it turns into a chore and nothing good comes out of it.
Thanks for your concern. You're right about looking too hard. It seems like things really do happen when we least expect it.
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I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I've always felt like when there's a barrage of bad things that happen, something good soon follows, and it's usually when you least expect it.
Like as far as my relationships have gone, they've all started when I wasn't necessarily looking but was on stand-by. I feel like when I'm constantly searching for someone it turns into a chore and nothing good comes out of it.
Thanks for your concern. You're right about looking too hard. It seems like things really do happen when we least expect it.
No problem! I think things will swing your way soon.
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Indeed they will. Same for you.
It's Only A Matter Of Time. ;)
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So this wonderful girl I knew for about half a year and dated for about 3 months broke up with me just a few days ago, I felt that things were going perfect to be honest.
Get this: She breaks up with me via Facebook Messenger and the reason for breaking is up is she needs to be "closer to God".
Wat.
On to the next. :metal
Sorry to hear, no idea what that excuse really means, but on the surface it sounds like a poor excuse unless you have been demonizing this lady.
Sorry to hear that. I'm still waiting for the next one and I'm fucking miserable over the whole situation, the divorce, not seeing my daughter all of the time, living in an apartment on my own. It sucks and I'm just hoping that something good will happen soon. *vent over*
Sorry to hear that as well, but like bizkit said, things will sway back into your favor over time. Id imagine the adjustment you are going through is really tough but once you get through that then things should start to look better.
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So this wonderful girl I knew for about half a year and dated for about 3 months broke up with me just a few days ago, I felt that things were going perfect to be honest.
Get this: She breaks up with me via Facebook Messenger and the reason for breaking is up is she needs to be "closer to God".
Wat.
On to the next. :metal
Sorry to hear, no idea what that excuse really means, but on the surface it sounds like a poor excuse unless you have been demonizing this lady.
Haha, no demonizing over here! It was pretty much going wonderful. I knew she was a religious person, but I think kicking someone out of your life because of it when that person has been nothing but good to you is ironic and questionable.
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Sorry to hear that. I'm still waiting for the next one and I'm fucking miserable over the whole situation, the divorce, not seeing my daughter all of the time, living in an apartment on my own. It sucks and I'm just hoping that something good will happen soon. *vent over*
Bro, having just gone through all of that, IT WILL BE BETTER. You just can't be desperate to get through the tough times. It's part of the process. BUT IT WILL GET BETTER.
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Sorry to hear that as well, but like bizkit said, things will sway back into your favor over time. Id imagine the adjustment you are going through is really tough but once you get through that then things should start to look better.
Bro, having just gone through all of that, IT WILL BE BETTER. You just can't be desperate to get through the tough times. It's part of the process. BUT IT WILL GET BETTER.
Thanks guys, I appreciate the advice. I'm doing a little better the last couple of days. I think the weather improving is actually helping too. My mood is extremely influenced by the weather. I'm an extreme empath so unfortunately not just human interaction affects me, but other forces of nature as well.
Today is a good so far. :D
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First date since I became single tonight. "Fika" as we call it in swedish with a girl I've known for a few years. Nothing serious about it so I think it's a good move. :)
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First date since I became single tonight. "Fika" as we call it in swedish with a girl I've known for a few years. Nothing serious about it so I think it's a good move. :)
Good luck and have fun! Supposed to take the girl I met on okcupid a few weeks ago out tonight to my favorite Mexican restaurant. She has already cooked me two amazing meals on our last two dates so time to take her out to a nice meal.
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Nice! I hope you have fun as well.
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Have a great time, you two!
Separately, that is.
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As much as Id love to visit Sweden, I wont be able to make it tonight.
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:(
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Well you can scratch my date off, apparently I am not allowed to call her "buddy". I said good morning buddy and that seemed to have set her off. According to her, once my dick and her make contact, using the word buddy is off limits. Which I get in a literal sense, but I was just being friendly not serious which I told her but she just seemed to want to argue about it so I cancelled. I don't have the time nor patience to deal with arguments about something so stupid with someone I've only met a few times. I do believe she was/is seeing someone else though, I have my suspicions based on what goes on her instagram, but Im fine with that since we werent serious and I had seen another girl once after we had first met so I am guilty of that myself.
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Sorry to hear that buddy.
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No sorries necessary, Im totally cool with it. I dont need women who are going to be drama in my life. I sent her a nice "goodbye" message thanking her for the awesome meals she cooked for me and good luck to her future which I got no response and blocked on instagram within minutes of sending that. Kind of shows shes not the girl I want to invest my time into anyway.
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No sorries necessary, Im totally cool with it. I dont need women who are going to be drama in my life. I sent her a nice "goodbye" message thanking her for the awesome meals she cooked for me and good luck to her future which I got no response and blocked on instagram within minutes of sending that. Kind of shows shes not the girl I want to invest my time into anyway.
Want me to follow her on Instagram and provide updates and possible confirmation of the other guy? Everyone accepts an invite from @pocket_curiosity
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lol thanks for the offer. I honestly dont care, she has every right to be with another guy. I go to LA on wednesday for 10 days, when I get back its onto finding a new girl and while tonight will now be likely spent alone, at least it will be relaxing and keep my wallet more full cause that place I was going to take her is $20 a plate. Oh yea, I bought her a bottle of her favorite wine too, I guess I will have to drink it now.
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No sorries necessary, Im totally cool with it. I dont need women who are going to be drama in my life. I sent her a nice "goodbye" message thanking her for the awesome meals she cooked for me and good luck to her future which I got no response and blocked on instagram within minutes of sending that. Kind of shows shes not the girl I want to invest my time into anyway.
I was trying to make you laugh by calling you Buddy. :D
No sorries necessary, Im totally cool with it. I dont need women who are going to be drama in my life. I sent her a nice "goodbye" message thanking her for the awesome meals she cooked for me and good luck to her future which I got no response and blocked on instagram within minutes of sending that. Kind of shows shes not the girl I want to invest my time into anyway.
Want me to follow her on Instagram and provide updates and possible confirmation of the other guy? Everyone accepts an invite from @pocket_curiosity
:lol
It is true.
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No sorries necessary, Im totally cool with it. I dont need women who are going to be drama in my life. I sent her a nice "goodbye" message thanking her for the awesome meals she cooked for me and good luck to her future which I got no response and blocked on instagram within minutes of sending that. Kind of shows shes not the girl I want to invest my time into anyway.
Great call, no need to react to that in the way she did. Boot to the curb, enjoy your freedom and someone will come along that wants to hear buddy from you in the shower, on the phone, from across the mall and not damn drama.
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First date since I became single tonight. "Fika" as we call it in swedish with a girl I've known for a few years. Nothing serious about it so I think it's a good move. :)
Good luck and have fun! Supposed to take the girl I met on okcupid a few weeks ago out tonight to my favorite Mexican restaurant. She has already cooked me two amazing meals on our last two dates so time to take her out to a nice meal.
After reading this, I was about to post that I have started talking to a couple of women in NJ and that we should double one night just to meet and hang out. Then I read the rest of your messages. Sorry man. I have been faring better with Plenty of Fish actually. I'm talking to a couple of NJ women and three women here on Staten Island.
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First date since I became single tonight. "Fika" as we call it in swedish with a girl I've known for a few years. Nothing serious about it so I think it's a good move. :)
Good luck and have fun! Supposed to take the girl I met on okcupid a few weeks ago out tonight to my favorite Mexican restaurant. She has already cooked me two amazing meals on our last two dates so time to take her out to a nice meal.
After reading this, I was about to post that I have started talking to a couple of women in NJ and that we should double one night just to meet and hang out. Then I read the rest of your messages. Sorry man. I have been faring better with Plenty of Fish actually. I'm talking to a couple of NJ women and three women here on Staten Island.
Not sure how a double date of internet girls and I guess guys too in this case would go, but if youd want to meet sometime to just chill at a bar or something let me know.
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First date since I became single tonight. "Fika" as we call it in swedish with a girl I've known for a few years. Nothing serious about it so I think it's a good move. :)
Good luck and have fun! Supposed to take the girl I met on okcupid a few weeks ago out tonight to my favorite Mexican restaurant. She has already cooked me two amazing meals on our last two dates so time to take her out to a nice meal.
After reading this, I was about to post that I have started talking to a couple of women in NJ and that we should double one night just to meet and hang out. Then I read the rest of your messages. Sorry man. I have been faring better with Plenty of Fish actually. I'm talking to a couple of NJ women and three women here on Staten Island.
Not sure how a double date of internet girls and I guess guys too in this case would go, but if youd want to meet sometime to just chill at a bar or something let me know.
I do have wild ideas sometimes. :lol
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So after ending things with that one girl, I ended up meeting another okcupid girl for the first time last weekend. I had been talking to her but I wasn't totally interested and after things going sour wiht the other girl decided to through the idea of meeting up and she happened to be free so we did an impromptu meeting for a drink. I could tell by her body language she likes me. She was prettier than her picutres and was really nice, I thought we connected well. She told me it was the best conversation she had on any online date. I went to the bathroom and came back to find she paid the bar tab! That was awesome. She said it was time to decide what to do so I offered her to come back to my place and she accepted. Watched some TV together and had a good make out session. Nothing more, but there was solid chemistry there. She was a great kisser and fun to talk to. We agreed we needed to try again to see if it truly was that good. Sadly I go to LA for 10 days now so we won't have another opportunity for a few weeks. Oh well, most girls and I tend to have a falling out when I go on business trips so we will see. This was unexpected so if it works, then great, if it doesnt then oh well.
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Nice man. At least you had a good time. You never know, maybe if you guys email/text back and forth while you're way it'll spark a deeper interest.
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So after ending things with that one girl, I ended up meeting another okcupid girl for the first time last weekend. I had been talking to her but I wasn't totally interested and after things going sour wiht the other girl decided to through the idea of meeting up and she happened to be free so we did an impromptu meeting for a drink. I could tell by her body language she likes me. She was prettier than her picutres and was really nice, I thought we connected well. She told me it was the best conversation she had on any online date. I went to the bathroom and came back to find she paid the bar tab! That was awesome. She said it was time to decide what to do so I offered her to come back to my place and she accepted. Watched some TV together and had a good make out session. Nothing more, but there was solid chemistry there. She was a great kisser and fun to talk to. We agreed we needed to try again to see if it truly was that good. Sadly I go to LA for 10 days now so we won't have another opportunity for a few weeks. Oh well, most girls and I tend to have a falling out when I go on business trips so we will see. This was unexpected so if it works, then great, if it doesnt then oh well.
My current girlfriend paid for our first bar outting too. She went to the bathroom and paid the server without me knowing. A few days later, she left for Florida for 10 days.
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Wow, thats hilarious. Im not all worked up over this girl or anything, just a good first time meet up. She is in theater and looking to land a gig that will have her traveling somewhere to perform so I dont see anything more than friends with benefits at this point due to my work travel and her potential long term travel if it even amounts to that, for all I know I come back from LA and she is gone to wherever she may go. I just had to note that she was the best kisser I have encountered since I had become single 6 months ago which is a big turn on for me.
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I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.
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I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.
True, but if its a bad kiss then it wont even last a month for me.
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I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.
True, but if its a bad kiss then it wont even last a month for me.
This exactly. if a kiss becomes boring after a month or so, the relationship will surely fail. There needs to be that level of sensuality otherwise I will lose interest.
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I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.
True, but if its a bad kiss then it wont even last a month for me.
This exactly. if a kiss becomes boring after a month or so, the relationship will surely fail. There needs to be that level of sensuality otherwise I will lose interest.
I completely disagree. Just because I don't want to sit on a couch and lick another tongue for a half hour doesn't mean there is not a high enough level of sensuality. There are way more fun activities to do besides kissing.
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I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.
True, but if its a bad kiss then it wont even last a month for me.
This exactly. if a kiss becomes boring after a month or so, the relationship will surely fail. There needs to be that level of sensuality otherwise I will lose interest.
I completely disagree. Just because I don't want to sit on a couch and lick another tongue for a half hour doesn't mean there is not a high enough level of sensuality. There are way more fun activities to do besides kissing.
It doesn't have to be a half-hour activity. Just one kiss I'm talking about. I need to feel something in just one kiss. I've been with terrible kissers with gorgeous bodies and been completely turned off. It's a sensuality issue for me. If you can't kiss properly, do you really think I expect the sex to be good? Anybody can fuck. That's the easy part. Blow me away with a kiss. In my experience, it's those with no passion behind their kisses that usually lay there like a dead fish in bed.
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I actually get really turned on by good kissing. One minute of kissing and I was ready to go, but if she wasnt a good kisser then I wouldn't of felt the same way and I dont think Id even give it a chance to discover if I liked her enough for other reasons to be able to deal with poor kissing. Its too important for me and there is a certain chemistry that goes into that as well. Im not saying I need to feel anything special, but the tongues need to act in a certain way together and when they dont it just doesnt work for me. Granted the good/warm feelings from that fade away over time like everything else, but I couldnt picture myself dating someone I didnt enjoy kissing.
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I'm not saying I don't enjoy kissing. Don't get me wrong, it leads to probably 95% of mine and my girlfriends' sexual encounters. What I'm trying to say is that when we first dated/started meeting places, we'd make out in one of our cars for a long ass time. Now, after dating for a while and living in a house together, I don't really have any desire to just sit and make out for a half hour just for the sake of making out.
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Yea I agree, I personally dont enjoy 30 minutes of kissing. For me, it needs to lead to other things or Id rather stop sooner than a half hour. However, a first time kiss that goes on for awhile can be enjoyable or the first few times since you are just starting to explore each other. My main point is I need to enjoy the kiss the first time or I will lose my desire to continue.
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Agreed.
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Yea I agree, I personally dont enjoy 30 minutes of kissing. For me, it needs to lead to other things or Id rather stop sooner than a half hour. However, a first time kiss that goes on for awhile can be enjoyable or the first few times since you are just starting to explore each other. My main point is I need to enjoy the kiss the first time or I will lose my desire to continue.
it needs to be more than the first time. I'm not saying 15 years later it better feel the same but it has to last for a while for me. I need something to keep my attention as I'm getting to know her and falling for her. I'm not also not saying if every other aspect of her was perfect, I would dump her. It's a tough situation. I started seeing a girl who was basically gorgeous, her kiss was dead and lifeless. There's me at the end of the night watching her perfectly muscled ass walking away realizing I need to tell her that a second date will probably not happen. I did give her one more chance, thinking maybe she was just nervous or something. So we went out and we started getting into this heavy makeout session. It was terrrrible. Her tongue was all over my face, her lips were drier than a nun's cunt, and I just felt like running away. I ended it after that evening.
So, yeah. I need to feel passion behind a kiss with someone new. And it does have to last for a while. You can't have this passion disappearing three, four, five dates later because the person stopped trying. It needs to last for a while.
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ITT: We like kissing.
My two cents: I enjoy my girlfriend's kisses and have done so from the first one we gave each other. I also think kissing is an important factor in showing affection in any relationship (at least in mine), so whenever she would start giving me worse kisses or whatever, I might jump to conclusions and think something's up.
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So I just got back from meeting with my ex girlfriend to get my stuff back. I let her borrow some of my Florida State shirts and a couple CDs and I needed that stuff back ASAP, lol.
It wasn't very awkward because I felt like another chapter in my life had ended, but a new one would be starting soon. I probably hated her two weeks ago, but now, there's no point. She's just irrelevant to me, and I'm happy with that. Can't wait to see what's in store for me in the future.
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So I just got back from meeting with my ex girlfriend to get my stuff back. I let her borrow some of my Florida State shirts and a couple CDs and I needed that stuff back ASAP, lol.
It wasn't very awkward because I felt like another chapter in my life had ended, but a new one would be starting soon. I probably hated her two weeks ago, but now, there's no point. She's just irrelevant to me, and I'm happy with that. Can't wait to see what's in store for me in the future.
:tup Cool and good job, no point in making things awkward. And thats definitely a good way to look at it, thinking ahead.
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It's been quite a while since I last posted on the forum at all, and I think it's the first time I post on a thread under the General Discussion category, but I suppose some outer opinion from people other than my close friends could help a lot at this point, particularly because none of them has given me some I could actually use :lol
So, first off there's this girl I met about two months ago. In college, we were organizing a party and we had to sell tickets for it and so on, so some of us went to classrooms of other careers in order to boost sales and attendance. I went to one and gave my cellphone number out loud so anyone who was interested could chat me. Anyways, she was the only one to chat me, telling me she wanted 6 tickets for her and friends. She was super friendly while talking, and I figured she doesn't actually know too many people since she's foreign and got here only a few months ago. At one point she stopped answering and to be honest I didn't mind. A couple of days latter I chatted to her to know if she still wanted the tickets, and she told me she wasn't going to the party anymore because a friend of hers had been killed the day we were talking (not that she blamed me or felt any type of pretentious deal was going on, she was mourning). I've seen her around for these two months, but didn't think she actually remember who I was, until last week she walked past by me and stopped to say hi, and she does the same every time I see her now.
I've wanted to chat her now since I thought she was cool back then and she's really pretty, but we only talked those two times and I feel the only memory she could possibly have of me is "the guy who was selling tickets back when my friend was killed". It worries me that I wouldn't be able to keep the conversation flowing or something as well and I keep putting off talking to her because of that.
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I say shoot her a text and try to spark a convo that way. You got nothing to lose since you aren't friends or anything. You already got her number. I guess you can always stop her next time you say hi to spark a convo too, but if you are worried about holding a convo, then chatting through text is easier.
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It's been quite a while since I last posted on the forum at all, and I think it's the first time I post on a thread under the General Discussion category, but I suppose some outer opinion from people other than my close friends could help a lot at this point, particularly because none of them has given me some I could actually use :lol
So, first off there's this girl I met about two months ago. In college, we were organizing a party and we had to sell tickets for it and so on, so some of us went to classrooms of other careers in order to boost sales and attendance. I went to one and gave my cellphone number out loud so anyone who was interested could chat me. Anyways, she was the only one to chat me, telling me she wanted 6 tickets for her and friends. She was super friendly while talking, and I figured she doesn't actually know too many people since she's foreign and got here only a few months ago. At one point she stopped answering and to be honest I didn't mind. A couple of days latter I chatted to her to know if she still wanted the tickets, and she told me she wasn't going to the party anymore because a friend of hers had been killed the day we were talking (not that she blamed me or felt any type of pretentious deal was going on, she was mourning). I've seen her around for these two months, but didn't think she actually remember who I was, until last week she walked past by me and stopped to say hi, and she does the same every time I see her now.
I've wanted to chat her now since I thought she was cool back then and she's really pretty, but we only talked those two times and I feel the only memory she could possibly have of me is "the guy who was selling tickets back when my friend was killed". It worries me that I wouldn't be able to keep the conversation flowing or something as well and I keep putting off talking to her because of that.
Just go for it. Like cram said, you have nothing to lose. Just be friendly and comforting and even if she isn't interested she'll be polite about it. Don't make it awkward for her because then it just gets extremely weird and uncomfortable. You don't want the last words you say to her (if she decides not to bite) to be awkward. Just be friendly and she'll appreciate it regardless of her decision,
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I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.
True, but if its a bad kiss then it wont even last a month for me.
This exactly. if a kiss becomes boring after a month or so, the relationship will surely fail. There needs to be that level of sensuality otherwise I will lose interest.
I completely disagree. Just because I don't want to sit on a couch and lick another tongue for a half hour doesn't mean there is not a high enough level of sensuality. There are way more fun activities to do besides kissing.
It doesn't have to be a half-hour activity. Just one kiss I'm talking about. I need to feel something in just one kiss. I've been with terrible kissers with gorgeous bodies and been completely turned off. It's a sensuality issue for me. If you can't kiss properly, do you really think I expect the sex to be good? Anybody can fuck. That's the easy part. Blow me away with a kiss. In my experience, it's those with no passion behind their kisses that usually lay there like a dead fish in bed.
I'm with you on that. 100%. Kissing is absolutely a deal-breaker for me, because while you can do all these other things, a kiss can happen anywhere. There is nothing better than being in a mall or a restaurant, and sneaking a quick kiss, and having it be electric, knowing there is so much more waiting for later. My current girlfriend is the best kisser I've ever dated, and that is something that has definitely brought us closer.
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I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.
True, but if its a bad kiss then it wont even last a month for me.
This exactly. if a kiss becomes boring after a month or so, the relationship will surely fail. There needs to be that level of sensuality otherwise I will lose interest.
I completely disagree. Just because I don't want to sit on a couch and lick another tongue for a half hour doesn't mean there is not a high enough level of sensuality. There are way more fun activities to do besides kissing.
It doesn't have to be a half-hour activity. Just one kiss I'm talking about. I need to feel something in just one kiss. I've been with terrible kissers with gorgeous bodies and been completely turned off. It's a sensuality issue for me. If you can't kiss properly, do you really think I expect the sex to be good? Anybody can fuck. That's the easy part. Blow me away with a kiss. In my experience, it's those with no passion behind their kisses that usually lay there like a dead fish in bed.
I'm with you on that. 100%. Kissing is absolutely a deal-breaker for me, because while you can do all these other things, a kiss can happen anywhere. There is nothing better than being in a mall or a restaurant, and sneaking a quick kiss, and having it be electric, knowing there is so much more waiting for later. My current girlfriend is the best kisser I've ever dated, and that is something that has definitely brought us closer.
This is what I was trying to express, the convenience that it can happen anywhere and if she's a good kisser then it seals our fate better than if she were just terrible at it.
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So I was on Plenty of Fish earlier this evening and out of nowhere I get an email from this woman. Now, I don't have many photos of myself so my selection is limited. So I used one of the photos from last March when I met the guys from DT. It's a picture of me an JP. So this girl emails me and says, "OMG How do you know John Petrucci. He's my cousin." It winds up this girl is indeed one of JP's cousins and JP's mother is this girl's godmother. We had some small conversation and then she headed to bed so I'm not sure if that is going to progress anywhere but I found that to be pretty cool.
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Unless this girl is absolutely clueless about what he does for a living, that is a rather stupid thing to ask. I think the assumption of any picture with a famous artist should be that you don't really know the artist, you just happened to meet him.
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Dude. Get her pregnant. Then you'll get gifts from Petrucci and will probably get to chill with him on Christmas and stuff.
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Unless this girl is absolutely clueless about what he does for a living, that is a rather stupid thing to ask. I think the assumption of any picture with a famous artist should be that you don't really know the artist, you just happened to meet him.
Not necessarily. For all she knows I could be one of his many friends that she never met.
Dude. Get her pregnant. Then you'll get gifts from Petrucci and will probably get to chill with him on Christmas and stuff.
:lol Do I get the phone call from James? "At this point we would like to welcome you to the family"
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That is awesome! And while she could be clueless... it is also possible she used that as an ice breaker to start a convo if she is interested? And yes, please get her pregnant lol
So I made it back from LA and I spoke to the girl I had just met and had that awesome kiss with the entire time I was in LA, then the last night she drops the bomb saying she plans on traveling for up to 9 months of the year and wanted a committed relationship while she travels... well she didnt flat out say that. She just hinted at it over and over during the course of a text message convo and I asked her what she was implying and she just said this is where either guys leave or stick around. Well, I don't want to enter a serious long distance relationship so there goes that. I'm not sure how you expect to find someone that wants that, but good luck to her in her search.
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That is awesome! And while she could be clueless... it is also possible she used that as an ice breaker to start a convo if she is interested? And yes, please get her pregnant lol
So I made it back from LA and I spoke to the girl I had just met and had that awesome kiss with the entire time I was in LA, then the last night she drops the bomb saying she plans on traveling for up to 9 months of the year and wanted a committed relationship while she travels... well she didnt flat out say that. She just hinted at it over and over during the course of a text message convo and I asked her what she was implying and she just said this is where either guys leave or stick around. Well, I don't want to enter a serious long distance relationship so there goes that. I'm not sure how you expect to find someone that wants that, but good luck to her in her search.
I know a girl that met a guy abroad in England a few years ago. She moved back home to the states after the semester was over. She flew back out there a year or so later and married him. She came back to the states again, and they've been a married couple living in separate countries for almost two years now. I don't understand it.
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That is awesome! And while she could be clueless... it is also possible she used that as an ice breaker to start a convo if she is interested? And yes, please get her pregnant lol
So I made it back from LA and I spoke to the girl I had just met and had that awesome kiss with the entire time I was in LA, then the last night she drops the bomb saying she plans on traveling for up to 9 months of the year and wanted a committed relationship while she travels... well she didnt flat out say that. She just hinted at it over and over during the course of a text message convo and I asked her what she was implying and she just said this is where either guys leave or stick around. Well, I don't want to enter a serious long distance relationship so there goes that. I'm not sure how you expect to find someone that wants that, but good luck to her in her search.
For some people it's actually ideal. Especially in the beginning. I don't think I could do it though.
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I have no less than three dates this week. The first one starts tonight so wish me luck guys! :)
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I have no less than three dates this week. The first one starts tonight so wish me luck guys! :)
Good luck! :metal
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I have no less than three dates this week. The first one starts tonight so wish me luck guys! :)
Good luck!
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Good luck!
(Now, apparently, all three dates are covered.)
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Went on a date today. She was nice.
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That's it? Or are you just being kind? :lol
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Haha nah, it was fun. We went out to eat and then I took her back to her dorm so she could work on her paper. I don't have any idea what I'm looking for right now, but we'll see what happens
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Just have fun and take it a day at a time.
I haven't been on a date yet but I'm talking to about a half a dozen different women right now, so I'm assuming within the next week or so I'll meet one of them at least.
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Ladies Man, you are.
And yeah, and my ex broke up with me about a month ago, but it doesn't have much impact because I just don't find myself caring too much.
Really I just don't know what to do with my life right now. I find myself being super bored. I go to school during the week and work with my mom on days I'm off. Just kind of a stale life tbh, but I always find myself having more fun when I have someone I can be close and intimate with.
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Just have fun and take it a day at a time.
I haven't been on a date yet but I'm talking to about a half a dozen different women right now, so I'm assuming within the next week or so I'll meet one of them at least.
Sorry dude, they're all me. I wanted to make you feel better. I do love dirty talk.
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Ladies Man, you are.
And yeah, and my ex broke up with me about a month ago, but it doesn't have much impact because I just don't find myself caring too much.
Really I just don't know what to do with my life right now. I find myself being super bored. I go to school during the week and work with my mom on days I'm off. Just kind of a stale life tbh, but I always find myself having more fun when I have someone I can be close and intimate with.
Not at all. :biggrin: I just like to keep my options open until I meet someone I really like.
I empathize with you completely. I finally moved into my own place after my wife and I separated and now I can't be here for more than a few hours without an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness, so I just pick up and go for a drive and usually wind up at Starbucks for a couple of hours. I miss the same things you do, that closeness and intimacy and the comfort. I thrive on comfort.
Just have fun and take it a day at a time.
I haven't been on a date yet but I'm talking to about a half a dozen different women right now, so I'm assuming within the next week or so I'll meet one of them at least.
Sorry dude, they're all me. I wanted to make you feel better. I do love dirty talk.
That's fine with me. So regardless of which woman I choose, I'm a winner. Just make sure you know how to cook Italian food and you'll always have a place in my heart.
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Ladies Man, you are.
And yeah, and my ex broke up with me about a month ago, but it doesn't have much impact because I just don't find myself caring too much.
Really I just don't know what to do with my life right now. I find myself being super bored. I go to school during the week and work with my mom on days I'm off. Just kind of a stale life tbh, but I always find myself having more fun when I have someone I can be close and intimate with.
Not at all. :biggrin: I just like to keep my options open until I meet someone I really like.
I empathize with you completely. I finally moved into my own place after my wife and I separated and now I can't be here for more than a few hours without an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness, so I just pick up and go for a drive and usually wind up at Starbucks for a couple of hours. I miss the same things you do, that closeness and intimacy and the comfort. I thrive on comfort.
Yeah it's good to keep a variety of "contestants"
And I do the same thing. I can't stand to be by myself for too long, it drives me crazy.
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Still haven't done my thing yet that I've been talking about for awhile now. Not for lack of trying--it's just never worked out. If she says no when I ask her again soon, then that's when I'll stop. It's a weird situation though, so without being directly involved, it's hard to explain to other people. A guy at work pointed out to me though: "Someone's gotta make a move at some point, there's something between you guys and other people have taken notice." That gave me a good chuckle, because it lets me know that I'm not the only one who senses something.
Last week at work, if someone had been watching closely they would have assumed already that we are dating. After our shift ended, we shopped together, checked out together, and left together. We were attached at the hip there for a little while. The same manager who made a comment last time said that wherever I am, she's usually nearby and vice versa.
I do enjoy that "will they or won't they" tension though.. :lol
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I know. It's frustrating and unsettling. This is the first time in my life I've been on my own. One month in and here I am pacing back and forth. I'll probably wind up lying down and falling asleep.
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And I do the same thing. I can't stand to be by myself for too long, it drives me crazy.
What a curious thing, I'm exactly the opposite. I NEED to be alone most of the time, even if I deeply enjoy the company of others - after a few hours I start to feel really uncomfortable if I'm not on my own. Guess that's why I'm still single :lol .
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Date number one went quite well. She's a metal lady with dreads and lots of tattoos. :metal My kinda gal, so to speak. ;)
I certainly wouldn't mind seeing her again but I really don't see it going anywhere. She was fun and all but nothing more than that.
Oh well, the next one is on friday. :metal
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Sometimes just being fun is enough, at least for me... but yea that only goes so far.
I actually got a date tonight myself. So on Monday I hit up okcupid and pretty much had a text convo with a new girl all afternoon yesterday and she asks me to chat later at 10pm, I thought it was odd she specifically put a time to chat, but I said yea since i was home. 10 comes and she asks to call me. I freaked out for a moment. I've dated about 6 or 7 girls since I broke up with my x in August, but not one time had a girl wanted to have a phone conversation. So I told her give me a few and Id call her since I needed a moment to mentally prepare myself. So we talked and it turns out we have so much in common, she actually said it was scarey how similar our situations are. So we agreed to meet up tonight for coffee.
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Date number one went quite well. She's a metal lady with dreads and lots of tattoos. :metal My kinda gal, so to speak. ;)
I certainly wouldn't mind seeing her again but I really don't see it going anywhere. She was fun and all but nothing more than that.
Oh well, the next one is on friday. :metal
Good luck on the next one.
Sometimes just being fun is enough, at least for me... but yea that only goes so far.
I actually got a date tonight myself. So on Monday I hit up okcupid and pretty much had a text convo with a new girl all afternoon yesterday and she asks me to chat later at 10pm, I thought it was odd she specifically put a time to chat, but I said yea since i was home. 10 comes and she asks to call me. I freaked out for a moment. I've dated about 6 or 7 girls since I broke up with my x in August, but not one time had a girl wanted to have a phone conversation. So I told her give me a few and Id call her since I needed a moment to mentally prepare myself. So we talked and it turns out we have so much in common, she actually said it was scarey how similar our situations are. So we agreed to meet up tonight for coffee.
That's great! So far, so good.
And I do the same thing. I can't stand to be by myself for too long, it drives me crazy.
What a curious thing, I'm exactly the opposite. I NEED to be alone most of the time, even if I deeply enjoy the company of others - after a few hours I start to feel really uncomfortable if I'm not on my own. Guess that's why I'm still single :lol .
It's strange because I'm extremely introverted and always need my alone time but I think because of the situation I'm in, having NO choice but to be alone, it's a bit overwhelming. I like the option of having someone and also being allowed that time to go out on my own for a couple of hours by going for a hike or sitting by the water. I'm completely immersed in solitude now and it's something I never had to deal with before.
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Ladies Man, you are.
And yeah, and my ex broke up with me about a month ago, but it doesn't have much impact because I just don't find myself caring too much.
Really I just don't know what to do with my life right now. I find myself being super bored. I go to school during the week and work with my mom on days I'm off. Just kind of a stale life tbh, but I always find myself having more fun when I have someone I can be close and intimate with.
Not at all. :biggrin: I just like to keep my options open until I meet someone I really like.
I empathize with you completely. I finally moved into my own place after my wife and I separated and now I can't be here for more than a few hours without an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness, so I just pick up and go for a drive and usually wind up at Starbucks for a couple of hours. I miss the same things you do, that closeness and intimacy and the comfort. I thrive on comfort.
Just offering this, as I went through something similar not long ago... I know everyone is different, but for me, I couldn't sit in the four walls for long, and while I'm not a huge drinker, I would go to my local Irish bar and sit in the end seat and read the paper, do a crossword (I'm a xword nut), or just chat with the two bartenders I knew. Having said that, though, I would talk with ANYBODY. And it became fun in and of itself just talking to random people. You find a couple things: there are some FUCKED UP people in the world; no matter what your situation, there is SOMEONE in a situation that is similar; and people are generally friendly. But from that, you figure out things. I HATE doing my crossword with people (I say this to be funny, but most people are dumber than me), but I would sort of force myself to let it happen, and I can't tell you how many times I ended up with a name and phone number on the top of the folded up paper. Almost none of them panned out for anything, but that isn't the point. It gets you out there, it gets you forgetting about your situation, and it sharpens your conversation skills (for real).
Here's why this is important: for most of my life, I had a fear of being single. But after my divorce (perhaps the one time I was FORCED to be single) this tactic sort of took the edge off. So now, while I am dating someone I really like, and don't want her to go, I don't FEAR her going. I don't want to be single, but I don't fear it. I'm half-assed good looking, have a little coin, and can carry a conversation. I know I'll find someone, and in the meantime, I'm at an age where we're all adults, so to speak, so not everything has to be a "long term committed relationship" if you're following me. In an odd way, this has made my relationship better and more honest.
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Thanks for the input. Maybe I'll go to my favorite local bar next time. I know the owner and graduated high school with his son. I used to go there a lot and came to knew most of the regulars. Maybe I'll check that place out again a couple of times a week. The food is always good and it beats the nothing I've been eating lately. :lol
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My girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I've realised that Facebook is just the worst thing ever...
Every time I see her or her name I feel sick to my stomach, had to 'unfriend' her because I'm sick of that feeling every time
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My girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I've realised that Facebook is just the worst thing ever...
Every time I see her or her name I feel sick to my stomach, had to 'unfriend' her because I'm sick of that feeling every time
Sorry to hear that, my friend. I am familiar with that feeling all too well. It's the hardest part of any break-up. Eventually those unsettling feelings will dissipate and you'll be able to move on easier.
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My girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I've realised that Facebook is just the worst thing ever...
Every time I see her or her name I feel sick to my stomach, had to 'unfriend' her because I'm sick of that feeling every time
Sorry to hear that, my friend. I am familiar with that feeling all too well. It's the hardest part of any break-up. Eventually those unsettling feelings will dissipate and you'll be able to move on easier.
I know, I know,
Its just the first few weeks that are hard :sad:
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I empathize. It's still hard being in this apartment alone, knowing my daughter is living elsewhere. The loneliness factor is amplified when other specifics are also bringing you down.
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I empathize. It's still hard being in this apartment alone, knowing my daughter is living elsewhere. The loneliness factor is amplified when other specifics are also bringing you down.
Amen to that, but I'm sure things will soon look up :smiley:
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I'm not sure if I enjoy being single right now.
Pros:
- More free time for me
-Saving money
Cons:
-Can be boring sometimes
- No intimacy
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I empathize. It's still hard being in this apartment alone, knowing my daughter is living elsewhere. The loneliness factor is amplified when other specifics are also bringing you down.
Amen to that, but I'm sure things will soon look up :smiley:
Each day seems brighter. That's all either of us can hope for.
I'm not sure if I enjoy being single right now.
Pros:
- More free time for me
-Saving money
Cons:
-Can be boring sometimes
- No intimacy
Those are basically my pros and cons, too.
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I'm not sure if I enjoy being single right now.
Pros:
- More free time for me
-Saving money
Cons:
-Can be boring sometimes
- No intimacy
Those are basically my pros and cons, too.
This
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My girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I've realised that Facebook is just the worst thing ever...
Every time I see her or her name I feel sick to my stomach, had to 'unfriend' her because I'm sick of that feeling every time
That's why I unfriended both my exes when we broke up. When you have your heart broken, you need time away from everything that even reminds you off your ex. You'll always have the option to add them again in the future if you want to stay friends.
I'm not sure if I enjoy being single right now.
Pros:
- More free time for me
-Saving money
Cons:
-Can be boring sometimes
- No intimacy
Basically this. Also, I've never played so much video games as I do now. :lol
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Yea, those Pros and Cons are fairly universal. Last week I had dinner with my parents and my mom seemed so surprised when I told her I find my wallet a lot heavier since I dumped my x. I didnt realize how much money I spent on her either though. The boring and more free time though can be used to explore things you wouldnt have done while in a relationship. For example, I am very close to planning a week long vacation by myself with all that extra money and time I have for myself.
The girl I met last week had asked me almost every day since then to hang out which was very close to making me not want to see her because I thought she was being too aggressive, well we were talking about the Rangers/Devils game and she ended up coming over to my house to watch it. Well that turned into more than I expected so now Im seeing her again tonight :biggrin: Funny how things work out.
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Women: They fuck up your plans. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. :lol
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Women: They fuck up your plans. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. :lol
Sometimes? :lol
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Women: They fuck up your plans. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. :zydar:
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Women: They fuck up your plans. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. :lol
I only play 2-3 hours of video games every other week now. I miss it.
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Find a womang who plays video games as well! But that can backfire - my ex still has my Assassin's Creed games. >:(
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Women: They fuck up your plans. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. :lol
Sometimes? :lol
Zydar has the right idea :lol
Women: They fuck up your plans. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. :lol
I only play 2-3 hours of video games every other week now. I miss it.
Yeah man, when I was dating I lost time for all that kinda stuff. Even posting on this forum. At one point I thought about calling it quits but you guys are just too awesome to leave.
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At one point I thought about calling it quits but you guys are just too awesome to leave.
:metal
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You're never alone in your situation. You always have someone here who has been through it or is going through it. Coming here is one of the few things that prevents me from losing it on a daily basis.
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You're never alone in your situation. You always have someone here who has been through it or is going through it. Coming here is one of the few things that prevents me from losing it on a daily basis.
:hearts:
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Just don't start humping my leg.
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*smacks Jay with rolled up newspaper*
On a side note, I think I'd like to formally announce my long term stewardship of this august group seeing as I think I've finally found a lady who can put up with my bullshit on a regular basis.
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*smacks Jay with rolled up newspaper*
On a side note, I think I'd like to formally announce my long term stewardship of this august group seeing as I think I've finally found a lady who can put up with my bullshit on a regular basis.
She's not one of Blob's 3D creations, is she? :)
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Nope, has a heartbeat and everything. She's actually incredibly cool, I'm kinda shocked at my good fortune.
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Nope, has a heartbeat and everything. She's actually incredibly cool, I'm kinda shocked at my good fortune.
I'm just messing around. Seriously though, good for you. You deserve it, my friend.
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That's great RJ, congrats :)
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Thats awesome, good for you!
I had one of the most amazing dates last night. Was my 4th date with the same girl that I only met a week ago, but she came over, we ordered delivery, and watched Gone Girl. We went to bed to "snuggle" where we ended up having a 4+ hour conversation with no TV on, nothing, just the two of us laying together and letting it all out about very personal things and we just connected on a whole different level. She is the first girl Ive met since my break up that I could totally see myself seriously dating. She texted me this morning saying she felt something special here, which I agree with. I can't even remember just talking to someone until 5am and feeling like it was so natural.
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That's awesome, bro! Truly awesome. I love that feeling, when the connection is completely natural.
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"I don't want a relationship, I'm too busy, I want to be single for a while"
Then boom, 2 weeks later, starting with a new guy.
FUCK YOU!
2nd girl in a row that has done this to me now.
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*smacks Jay with rolled up newspaper*
On a side note, I think I'd like to formally announce my long term stewardship of this august group seeing as I think I've finally found a lady who can put up with my bullshit on a regular basis.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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"I don't want a relationship, I'm too busy, I want to be single for a while"
Then boom, 2 weeks later, starting with a new guy.
FUCK YOU!
2nd girl in a row that has done this to me now.
Women are worse liars than men are.
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"I don't want a relationship, I'm too busy, I want to be single for a while"
Then boom, 2 weeks later, starting with a new guy.
FUCK YOU!
2nd girl in a row that has done this to me now.
Women are worse liars than men are.
They are just as bad, they are human like men and lie and cheat and do all the same things men are well known for doing. Sorry that you went through that twice, hopefully it works out next time!
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"I don't want a relationship, I'm too busy, I want to be single for a while"
Then boom, 2 weeks later, starting with a new guy.
FUCK YOU!
2nd girl in a row that has done this to me now.
Women are worse liars than men are.
They are just as bad, they are human like men and lie and cheat and do all the same things men are well known for doing. Sorry that you went through that twice, hopefully it works out next time!
The irony is that women tell me that all of the time. They always tell me that women are much worse than men are.
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"I don't want a relationship, I'm too busy, I want to be single for a while"
Then boom, 2 weeks later, starting with a new guy.
FUCK YOU!
2nd girl in a row that has done this to me now.
Women are worse liars than men are.
They are just as bad, they are human like men and lie and cheat and do all the same things men are well known for doing. Sorry that you went through that twice, hopefully it works out next time!
The irony is that women tell me that all of the time. They always tell me that women are much worse than men are.
It's considered "cool" as a woman to hate on women when talking to dudes. It's like, haha, look at these crazy women, I AM SO NOT LIKE THAT, PLX DATE ME. At least that's how it is when the woman in question is under 30, wouldn't be surprised if the mentality persisted afterwards, and for other reasons.
The "I'm not looking for a relationship right now"-line is a classic white lie. It just means she's waiting for someone else to become available or make up their mind or w/e. The problem with all these "polite" white lies is that they actually aren't polite at all, but since there's a staggering number of people who just don't want to tell the truth, it persists. Sorry you had that happen to you, it's a bummer.
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So basically women suck.
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"I don't want a relationship, I'm too busy, I want to be single for a while"
Then boom, 2 weeks later, starting with a new guy.
FUCK YOU!
2nd girl in a row that has done this to me now.
Women are worse liars than men are.
They are just as bad, they are human like men and lie and cheat and do all the same things men are well known for doing. Sorry that you went through that twice, hopefully it works out next time!
The irony is that women tell me that all of the time. They always tell me that women are much worse than men are.
It's considered "cool" as a woman to hate on women when talking to dudes. It's like, haha, look at these crazy women, I AM SO NOT LIKE THAT, PLX DATE ME. At least that's how it is when the woman in question is under 30, wouldn't be surprised if the mentality persisted afterwards, and for other reasons.
The "I'm not looking for a relationship right now"-line is a classic white lie. It just means she's waiting for someone else to become available or make up their mind or w/e. The problem with all these "polite" white lies is that they actually aren't polite at all, but since there's a staggering number of people who just don't want to tell the truth, it persists. Sorry you had that happen to you, it's a bummer.
This is what I don't understand. I would appreciate it a lot more for a woman to be honest and tell me "hey sorry I really like this other guy so Im going to leave you for him" vs some lie and you find out the truth anyway. I dont understand the BS, yes I get it's easier, but do people not care about the way other percieve them? Id rather be the honest asshole than just the asshole (which is what you are going to come off as regardless if you dump one person for another).
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The "I'm not looking for a relationship right now"-line is a classic white lie. It just means she's waiting for someone else to become available or make up their mind or w/e. The problem with all these "polite" white lies is that they actually aren't polite at all, but since there's a staggering number of people who just don't want to tell the truth, it persists. Sorry you had that happen to you, it's a bummer.
If I veer into "dick" territory, I apologize in advance, but given what @MoraWinterSoul said (which I agree with), what is the alternative? "Hey, so and so, you're ok, but I'm waiting for someone better than you." Mankind has been in existence for, what, couple thousand years now (kidding; it's 100,000's) and don't we know the code at this point? Are we really expecting people to be totally, brutally, "I-am-going-to-hurt-you" honest? Especially at the stages of dating we're talking about?
And this isn't even accounting for the fact that, perhaps, she really WAS being honest and someone came in and completely and utterly rocked her world?
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The "I'm not looking for a relationship right now"-line is a classic white lie. It just means she's waiting for someone else to become available or make up their mind or w/e. The problem with all these "polite" white lies is that they actually aren't polite at all, but since there's a staggering number of people who just don't want to tell the truth, it persists. Sorry you had that happen to you, it's a bummer.
If I veer into "dick" territory, I apologize in advance, but given what @MoraWinterSoul said (which I agree with), what is the alternative? "Hey, so and so, you're ok, but I'm waiting for someone better than you." Mankind has been in existence for, what, couple thousand years now (kidding; it's 100,000's) and don't we know the code at this point? Are we really expecting people to be totally, brutally, "I-am-going-to-hurt-you" honest? Especially at the stages of dating we're talking about?
And this isn't even accounting for the fact that, perhaps, she really WAS being honest and someone came in and completely and utterly rocked her world?
Id rather the honest painful truth and being that Johnny said he was in a relationship (which implies more than just dating) than I think you are past the stage of giving a bs reason to end things. BUt I get my views are different in this area as we've discussed previously in this thread. Bottomline, its very difficult to tell someone you dont want to be with them anymore for any reason. For me, ending my engagement was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life and I felt like I ruined someones life by doing that and I did it with complete honesty so I know it's not easy, but it can be done.
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Yeah, I'd rather her be honest with me than just tell me some bullshit.
My past two girlfriends..
First: "I don't think I need to be dating right now, gotta focus on school." - 2 weeks later, dating some dude long distance. :lol
Second: "I don't think I need to be dating right now, gotta focus on God." - weeks later, she likes another dude, has a picture of her and him as her profile picture on Facebook, and insists that she isn't dating him. Oh, and she is definitely being hypocritical considering some of the stuff she has done recently.
Is it that hard? If I'm gonna lose interest in someone because someone else has caught my eye, I'm going to tell them. Either way it's going to end ugly, but it'll be the right way if you're honest.
I'm certainly tired of committing to people that simply do not give a shit and can't take a relationship seriously. I'm tired of wasting my time, money, effort, and breath on people like those two.
I used to get really upset over these kinds of things, now I'm just kind of tired of them. They don't bother me so much personally, it'd be nice to just have something work out instead of some cop-out taking place.
I oughta just focus on school and then I can meet someone along the way.
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I oughta just focus on school and then I can meet someone along the way.
I think this may be the best, not because I think you cant or wont find someone. I just think you shouldn't put expectations on yourself to find someone because that will lead to settling for someone that may not be right or having your heart broken. Like let it be more natural and less forced and when something clicks then you go from there.
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It always does work better when it's just natural. I feel like I will try too hard sometimes and I ultimately fail when I do so.
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It always does work better when it's just natural. I feel like I will try too hard sometimes and I ultimately fail when I do so.
We are all guilty of trying too hard. No matter how many times we tell ourselves to take it easy, we can't help it. It's a natural desire to want to be with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex if that's what floats your boat). We are humans, but still animals. So just do what makes you happy. If you feel like seeking someone out, then do it. If you think it's not working. Take a break, but don't give up completely. Sometimes nothing happens at all if you just wait.
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Girl 1: "I need some time being single"
We try things again and when I start to feel good about it, BOOM, I hear she's playing tonsil hockey with another lad.
I lose my shit and go mental then depressed for around 3 months.
Girl 2: (1.5 years after girl 1, nothing in between) "I've just got too much to do at the moment, I cant handle a relationship on top of that"
My mate caught her with another lad 2/3 weeks after that, Rage again, but act a lot calmer to her and just tell her I could have done better.
Has the world gone crazy, why does nobody just want a stable, long lasting romantic relationship? too many people are heartless bastards with no care about anyone but themselves.
At least alcohol is always there for me.
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It always does work better when it's just natural. I feel like I will try too hard sometimes and I ultimately fail when I do so.
We are all guilty of trying too hard. No matter how many times we tell ourselves to take it easy, we can't help it. It's a natural desire to want to be with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex if that's what floats your boat). We are humans, but still animals. So just do what makes you happy. If you feel like seeking someone out, then do it. If you think it's not working. Take a break, but don't give up completely. Sometimes nothing happens at all if you just wait.
I can agree with this, its hard to not want to try and find that someone even if its only for a purely physical relationship, its hard to hold back your animal instincts.
Has the world gone crazy, why does nobody just want a stable, long lasting romantic relationship? too many people are heartless bastards with no care about anyone but themselves.
At least alcohol is always there for me.
I actually think that people are moving away from those long lasting relationships. It seems there's a shift in our society where marriage is becoming less common and people are jumping from relationship to relationship more often, maybe due to online dating and the fact that communication has never been easier. Also, alcohol is not the answer!
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Girl 1: "I need some time being single"
We try things again and when I start to feel good about it, BOOM, I hear she's playing tonsil hockey with another lad.
I lose my shit and go mental then depressed for around 3 months.
Girl 2: (1.5 years after girl 1, nothing in between) "I've just got too much to do at the moment, I cant handle a relationship on top of that"
My mate caught her with another lad 2/3 weeks after that, Rage again, but act a lot calmer to her and just tell her I could have done better.
Has the world gone crazy, why does nobody just want a stable, long lasting romantic relationship? too many people are heartless bastards with no care about anyone but themselves.
At least alcohol is always there for me.
Now I KNOW I'm going to be in dick territory, but you posted it, so I consider it fair game. I stand by my comment. 100%. And here's why:
"I lose my shit and go mental then depressed for around 3 months." and "Rage again..." and "At least alcohol is always there for me."
If I was dating someone whose palate of reactions included those, I'D tell you those stories too. Clearly, you're talking about at least one relationship that was troubled to start with, so she must have known what she could expect. And I can say this because I was MARRIED to someone who's reactions were along those lines. At one point, I would say ANYTHING to avoid what I called the "red fog". Honesty is awesome and all, don't get me wrong (and one of the things I've discussed at length with my therapist was the idea of living a more "authentic" life, which includes this), but to expect honesty, you have to earn it, and to do that you have to do your part to build a garden in which it could survive.
I don't mean to be harsh, but perhaps so it doesn't happen again a third time, you might consider why she felt like she had to take that route (and no, not because "she was a douche"), and more importantly, what you can do to effect a different outcome.
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Them feeling ONLY came AFTER the relationship, I can guarantee that during it I was no less than courteous at ALL times, never said a bad word to either of them, which is mainly why I get annoyed when this happens for no reason as far as I can see
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Them feeling ONLY came AFTER the relationship, I can guarantee that during it I was no less than courteous at ALL times, never said a bad word to either of them, which is mainly why I get annoyed when this happens for no reason as far as I can see
Fair enough. I wish you well the next time. Got to get back on the horse!
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Ok, so I fell into the net dating trap - I met a girl who was NOTHING like what I thought. She looked nothing like her pics, she was WAY more arrogant and self-centered in person, etc. She talked a great deal about her family which she hated, her exes which she also hated and her exes families which she hates most of all. :lol
Oh, well, better luck next time. :)
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So the new girl I started dating two weeks ago seems to be the best one I've met. We connect on so many levels and I feel like she can actually relate to me and my experiences since she has a very similar background. Anyway, In the two weeks since we first met, we have hung out another 4 times and the other night we were discussing spending Saturday in PA and I mentioned that I went to Penn State and they have their big spring football game this weekend and she practically begged me to go and so now we are spending the entire weekend together and doing a road trip. We also both confessed to each other that there is more here than just a hook up so I'm really happy with how this is going.
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So the new girl I started dating two weeks ago seems to be the best one I've met. We connect on so many levels and I feel like she can actually relate to me and my experiences since she has a very similar background. Anyway, In the two weeks since we first met, we have hung out another 4 times and the other night we were discussing spending Saturday in PA and I mentioned that I went to Penn State and they have their big spring football game this weekend and she practically begged me to go and so now we are spending the entire weekend together and doing a road trip. We also both confessed to each other that there is more here than just a hook up so I'm really happy with how this is going.
You going to give her the philly in Philly?
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So the new girl I started dating two weeks ago seems to be the best one I've met. We connect on so many levels and I feel like she can actually relate to me and my experiences since she has a very similar background. Anyway, In the two weeks since we first met, we have hung out another 4 times and the other night we were discussing spending Saturday in PA and I mentioned that I went to Penn State and they have their big spring football game this weekend and she practically begged me to go and so now we are spending the entire weekend together and doing a road trip. We also both confessed to each other that there is more here than just a hook up so I'm really happy with how this is going.
You going to give her the philly in Philly?
At least let her sample your cream cheese.
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I went to go see my ex girlfriend last night. Even after what she did, I guess I'm too nice. I said horrible and deserving things to her just last week, but I guess I can't hate someone , no matter who it is. I thought the time we spent together was great and I saw a lot of potential in us. I don't really want to throw it away. But last night went well. We drove to the dam and just walked around for a while. I told her let's take it slow and just hang out, then we will see where it goes. I told her we are only going to be together if we stay 100% committed. I don't want to bother with her if she's going to go off and do something again. She agreed and showed deep regret from last time, so maybe there's a chance.
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You're too young to deal with a relationship that's not built on trust. Once a person breaks the trust, they'll break it again. I'd move on so you can get rid of these lingering feelings. Not worth it.
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Yeah, I completely understand.
However, at the same time, I'd like to at least give it another shot. At the very worst, she'll do it again, but at least I wouldn't be very surprised, then I can move on.
It would be different if she was my primary focus. Hell, I'm excited about school already, and I just finished the semester. So working on the path to my career excites me. If things don't work out with her, whatever, I have great things to look forward to. If they do work out, well hey, that's an awesome bonus. :tup
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Things are so complicated. My wife has moved on with her new man so there is no hope of putting my family back together. The girl I left her for, and who I felt was my soul mate, isn't sure what she wants anymore...even though she is supposedly carrying my child. She hasn't answered my texts for days now. She has me blocked on Facebook. Nobody likes her though, for obvious reasons. So even if things were to work between she and I, she would never been accepted. My mother has already referred to her as the putana. So if I give up on her, i'll have two kids out there, each from a different mother, none of which who live with me. So how does that make me a dating prospect for someone else.
I started talking to these two amazing women last night. One of them having taken a strong liking of me. So, the chances of she and I meeting are pretty strong. I can't see anything stopping us from hitting it off...except me. This seems to happen a lot in the past month. I start talking to someone and just as we start getting a bit closer, I close up and back off. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism or something telling me I'm not ready or something telling me I should try harder for the other girl because it is with her that I belong and that I just need to have more patience. I'm tired of waiting though. I have put up with a lot from her. If I began to tell you some of the things she has done, you would fervently question as to why I'm still pining for her. It's obvious to me why or maybe I'm delusional.
Anyway, this is my predicament.
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Well add me to the list of guys getting burned
The girl I had been seeing for the past few weeks seems to not be working out now. I really liked her, she was the first girl I've met since I broke up with my x that I felt I connected with. We had so much in common, it was actually scarey how much we had in common. We had sooo much fun when we were together and we even did a weekend road trip together. All was really fun and we both confessed that we "liked" each other and thought there was something here. Well Monday night we hung out, I thought we had a lot of fun and a normal night togehter, but something was off with our sex (or lack of sex that evening) and she siad something was weird. She brought up my x who she admitted she found on facebook and said my x was better looking than she is (which is true, but really had no meaning to me... I didn't like this girl for her looks, but for everything else she was) and she said it was bothering her. I tried to say the right things and I thought it was going to be ok, but yesterday we had our first real road block. We both actually seemingly came out of it good and felt like we settled on the idea that we both liked each other, wanted to continue, thought this could lead to a legit relationship, and that we would both take things slow because the road block was that it seemed like things were going too fast, like we went from never meeting to hanging out every other day in the matter of 3 weeks. We had also started having unprotected sex and both said we would not see other people. Well, she ended up canceling plans for Tuesday night which I said was fine cause I had a headache, plus I was really tired. So last ngiht I get a picture of a steak dinner and a message "look at what I am doing when Im not with you" which I was like, ok cool enjoy your evening. But then she never responded to me the rest of the night. I got a text at 1am "sorry, my phone died. My sister and I went out for a few drinks after dinner and then went to the gym". I find that excuse unbelievable, who goes out for a steak dinner, drinks, then to the gym until 1am? And she also said she stopped home to charge her phone, she didnt think once the phone was on the charger to turn it on and text me back? I called her out on it this morning and am waiting for a response, I didn't call her a lier, just said something felt off from my point of view and asked if there was a reason why I would feel that way. I totally could be going crazy here and letting my emotions get in my way, Im just really upset about how I felt so good and how so quickly I can feel like complete shit. Maybe she was telling the truth, who knows?
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Sucks man. Girl is crazy. Run away now.
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Prog Snob, I'm really sorry man. I don't know what any of that feels like. I wish I had something to say, honestly. Just keep your head up the best you can, good things will come eventually.
cramx3, that sounds a bit weird to me. Maybe she's telling the truth, maybe she's not.
I feel like everyone could use this advice though, and it may not be much, but: When it comes to relationships, just go with your gut. If something feels off about something, don't go for it. The only reason I'm talking to my ex again is because I feel like there could still be something there.
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Yea so her response is she was telling the truth and now Im the bad guy. I think I need to take that advice though, my gut all night last night and this morning was saying something is wrong here. Maybe its in my head and I think theres a good chance it is in my head, but the problem is that I really like this girl. She has so much to offer and I really don't want to lose her because I happen to find her truthful story unbelievable.
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Well, would it hurt just to keep it going and see what happens? Just don't let your guard down for a bit until you know you can trust her.
And yes, the constant battle between your heart and brain. It's a tough one.
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Early on in a relationship it's an easy call. Call it off. Not worth the struggle. When you don't trust someone in a long relationship, that's the tough one to call.
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The only reason I'm talking to my ex again is because I feel like there could still be something there.
Yep, I'm doing the exact same, after my recent girl, I've nothing to lose. plus I feel I missed this ex whilst I was with the last girl.
I recently started speaking to her and a week or 2 later she split up with her boyfriend, so perhaps she feels the same way.
By the way this is the girl that messed my head up 1.5 years ago I wrote about in a previous post.
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Prog Snob, I'm really sorry man. I don't know what any of that feels like. I wish I had something to say, honestly. Just keep your head up the best you can, good things will come eventually.
Every day is an adventure. I should be writing stories about this.
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Yea so her response is she was telling the truth and now Im the bad guy. I think I need to take that advice though, my gut all night last night and this morning was saying something is wrong here. Maybe its in my head and I think theres a good chance it is in my head, but the problem is that I really like this girl. She has so much to offer and I really don't want to lose her because I happen to find her truthful story unbelievable.
Yeah, but there's "gut" and there's "gut". You have to be honest with yourself; if you're a jealous person or paranoid person and you feel like she's cheating on you, that's not your gut. That's your insecurities. It's sometimes hard to tell (and I know for me, I try not to use one data point, unless we're talking something egregious).
Honestly, and please take this in the spirit intended, there is nothing in your story that screams "ISSUE!" except that she didn't respond in your timeframe. I've actually been on the other side of your situation, and even if you say "looks don't matter" and she says "I'm good with that", insecurities - especially deep ones - don't disappear with one "Cool, bro!". And actually, if you want to read things into it, I say you might want to cool your jets and let it go with the flow. We KNOW she's insecure with her looks, we KNOW she indicated she wants to pursue things with you, we KNOW she texted you a steak dinner... her then feeling guilty or insecure and going to the gym is by far NOT the nuttiest thing I've ever heard (I had an ex that was really concerned about her weight, and when hammered would do crunches in her bed before passing out).
What's the worst that happens if you give her the benefit of the doubt? Are you going to be any more hurt or pissed off if it happens again? And at least you'll know it is "gut" and not you.
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Stadler, you are correct on many levels. We actually had a really long and deep conversation about the situation. There were other reasons why I thought she had been lying based on previous things she ahd said and whatnot that all added up to a moment where I thought she was messing with me. There are definitely insecurities involved from both ends, I normally am a bit more trustworthy, but wihtout going into too much details (cause I could write way too much for anyone to care about), I totally felt in the moment that she was lying. After our discussion, I truly believe she was telling the truth. We actually opened up and let out a lot of personal information that lead us to come to the conclusion that in the end, essentially we don't yet know each other that well and now that we know a lot more about each other, things make a lot more sense. My initial outrage was wrong, I apologized to her. I think given the same scenario I would act the same again, and its just due to two people who only just recently met have had some miscommunication and things got out of hand with emotions. Bottom line is we both seem to really like each other and we both agreed we would like to continue seeing each other.
In a way, I feel like going through that was very good for us. It was like the first big confrontation between us and we worked our way through it. We both agreed to take it slow though from here, things went really fast in this and that leads to my insecurities. Im very insecure in myself on holding a relationship mostly because of the way my 9 year relationship and engagement ended, it kind of makes me feel like damaged goods in that part of me feels destined to not be in another serious relationship. Hopefully that changed.
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In a way, I feel like going through that was very good for us. It was like the first big confrontation between us and we worked our way through it. We both agreed to take it slow though from here, things went really fast in this and that leads to my insecurities. Im very insecure in myself on holding a relationship mostly because of the way my 9 year relationship and engagement ended, it kind of makes me feel like damaged goods in that part of me feels destined to not be in another serious relationship. Hopefully that changed.
Well the important thing isn't that you had an issue, but how you handled it. And it seems like you might have crossed a big hurdle by both of you handling it reasonably well.
Good luck. I know for me I can be very insecure in relationships too, and it is a constant battle to not bring all my demons into a relationship. It's important to remember what is sort of the opposite of Chino's post above: no one wants to date my problems.
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In a way, I feel like going through that was very good for us. It was like the first big confrontation between us and we worked our way through it. We both agreed to take it slow though from here, things went really fast in this and that leads to my insecurities. Im very insecure in myself on holding a relationship mostly because of the way my 9 year relationship and engagement ended, it kind of makes me feel like damaged goods in that part of me feels destined to not be in another serious relationship. Hopefully that changed.
Well the important thing isn't that you had an issue, but how you handled it. And it seems like you might have crossed a big hurdle by both of you handling it reasonably well.
Good luck. I know for me I can be very insecure in relationships too, and it is a constant battle to not bring all my demons into a relationship. It's important to remember what is sort of the opposite of Chino's post above: no one wants to date my problems.
Yup, thats true and goes along with Prog Snob's issue as well. No one wants to deal with baggage. In the end, if a relationship is going to work then both parties need to accept each other and whatever baggage they bring with them. You are right about getting over that hurdle too, it almost felt like a big accomplishment to get out of that still wanting to see each other. We hung out last night and things were great. We made plans for Saturday afternoon through the evening so I'm excited.
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So those two "great girls" I was telling you about. Well, it's down to one now. One of them came over a couple of nights ago and I guess neither of us felt anything. There was a weak kiss on the lips as she left and that was all she wrote. Once again proving that no matter how good someone looks, a bad kiss just kills everything. She was a nice looking Italian girl and I was hoping it would work out. So now I'm down to the Russian girl whose first name is the same as my daughter's middle name so I'm hoping that's a good sign.
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Dating can sometimes be like survivor... one was just eliminated :lol
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:lol
Except this case, the only left is me. :\
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So now I'm down to the Russian girl whose first name is the same as my daughter's middle name so I'm hoping that's a good sign.
Or creepy as hell. HAHAHA. I'm kidding.
I know a guy in college that slept with a girl who had the same name as his mom. To this day I don't know if he did it because of that, or in spite of that.
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And she's out but three new prospects have arisen. One girl from Staten Island named Laura, a girl from Brooklyn named Georgia who is actually quite intelligent and appeals the the sapiosexual in me, and a girl from New Jersey named Lauren. I'm hoping for Georgia above all of them because she has a curious mind but the added bonus is that she has a great smile. Always a sucker for one of those.
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I say the Jersey girl cause well NJ > NY :biggrin:
Spent the day Saturday with my girl in New Hope PA, did a short road trip to visit the old town, have a nice dinner, and then she spent the night at my place where we watched Game of Thrones, had drinks, and then laid in my hammock watching the stars followed by some great one on one time lol. Had such an amazing time with her again and really glad we got over our miscommunication earlier in the week. Also stopped at a fireworks store to grab some mortars after crossing the border. She told me she talked about me with her parents already, I kind of gave her a weird look (I had not talked about her to my parents) and she called me out on whether or not that was weird. It isnt in reality, but I have not yet met a potential girlfriends parents since I met my x's many many years ago.
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I find myself closer and closer and closer to contacting my ex, I know it can only go bad but I can't handle this at all.
Not even just for her but for the sheer loneliness, I don't feel whole at all without a girl :(
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I find myself closer and closer and closer to contacting my ex, I know it can only go bad but I can't handle this at all.
Not even just for her but for the sheer loneliness, I don't feel whole at all without a girl :(
Are you trying to find a girl? I feel that way when I am alone, but it's motivation to do something about it.
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I find myself closer and closer and closer to contacting my ex, I know it can only go bad but I can't handle this at all.
Not even just for her but for the sheer loneliness, I don't feel whole at all without a girl :(
Are you trying to find a girl? I feel that way when I am alone, but it's motivation to do something about it.
Yeah, But I simply don't know how to do it at all
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Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women. Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.
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Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women. Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.
Problem being, I'm 19, I highly doubt anyone will be near my age, but I may give it a shot, I find it a bit awkward though
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I say the Jersey girl cause well NJ > NY :biggrin:
The Jersey girl is really cool. She's into a lot of the same things as me. Such as exploring, abandoned places, haunted places, old movies, etc. The Staten Island girl is a sweetheart and also an admitted sapiophile which definitely appeals to me. The Brooklyn girl is a curious mind with a killer smile. We'll see what happens by the end of this week.
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I say the Jersey girl cause well NJ > NY :biggrin:
The Jersey girl is really cool. She's into a lot of the same things as me. Such as exploring, abandoned places, haunted places, old movies, etc. The Staten Island girl is a sweetheart and also an admitted sapiophile which definitely appeals to me. The Brooklyn girl is a curious mind with a killer smile. We'll see what happens by the end of this week.
I was at a conference last week, and one of the speakers was a woman who was moderately attractive, albeit rather plain, until she started to speak. Her intelligence positively radiated from her during her talk and it was like watching a flower bloom (I don't know how else to put it). By the end of her talk she seemed like ten times hotter than when she started. I don't think that's ever happened to me before (usually it is the other way around).
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Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women. Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.
Problem being, I'm 19, I highly doubt anyone will be near my age, but I may give it a shot, I find it a bit awkward though
Hey, you and I are the same age. What is your biggest goal in life right now?
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Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women. Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.
Problem being, I'm 19, I highly doubt anyone will be near my age, but I may give it a shot, I find it a bit awkward though
Hey, you and I are the same age. What is your biggest goal in life right now?
You guys trying to date each other? Thats the type of question to spark a conversation with a potential online match.
I say the Jersey girl cause well NJ > NY :biggrin:
The Jersey girl is really cool. She's into a lot of the same things as me. Such as exploring, abandoned places, haunted places, old movies, etc. The Staten Island girl is a sweetheart and also an admitted sapiophile which definitely appeals to me. The Brooklyn girl is a curious mind with a killer smile. We'll see what happens by the end of this week.
I was at a conference last week, and one of the speakers was a woman who was moderately attractive, albeit rather plain, until she started to speak. Her intelligence positively radiated from her during her talk and it was like watching a flower bloom (I don't know how else to put it). By the end of her talk she seemed like ten times hotter than when she started. I don't think that's ever happened to me before (usually it is the other way around).
I can totally be like that, smarts are a total turn on for me. But I have no figured out if its the smartness itself or the fact that the person isn't dumb because stupidity is a big turn off. One of the big reasons why I like the girl I am currently seeing, she is smart and has achieved a lot career wise and personally which I find very attractive especially for her age.
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:lol
I'm just trying to see his side of things. Maybe I can help out since we are both at the same stages in life
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The Jersey girl is really cool. She's into a lot of the same things as me. Such as exploring, abandoned places, haunted places, old movies, etc. The Staten Island girl is a sweetheart and also an admitted sapiophile which definitely appeals to me. The Brooklyn girl is a curious mind with a killer smile. We'll see what happens by the end of this week.
I was at a conference last week, and one of the speakers was a woman who was moderately attractive, albeit rather plain, until she started to speak. Her intelligence positively radiated from her during her talk and it was like watching a flower bloom (I don't know how else to put it). By the end of her talk she seemed like ten times hotter than when she started. I don't think that's ever happened to me before (usually it is the other way around).
[/quote]
I can totally be like that, smarts are a total turn on for me. But I have no figured out if its the smartness itself or the fact that the person isn't dumb because stupidity is a big turn off. One of the big reasons why I like the girl I am currently seeing, she is smart and has achieved a lot career wise and personally which I find very attractive especially for her age.
[/quote]
I think it's a bit of both. You're excited that she isn't some ditz but even more excited that she can convincingly carry herself in a conversation.
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Smart's definitely a turn on, but not too smart. A strait up ditz is an immediate deal breaker as I don't really like explaining myself as I'm having a conversation. I prefer it to be a back and forth, not me saying something, looking a deer in the headlights and then having to explain everything I just said.
At the same time. I would rather die then have a girl that was 5 steps ahead of me. Or a girl that would try and talk down to me. That would end in an instant.
I got lucky though and got a girl who is a nice balance. She gets better grades than me on tests, runs circles around me in lab, picks up new tasks way faster than I do, but on the flip side she can't make life decisions to save her life. (which can be extremely annoying, since she makes messes for herself and the complains about the very mess that she made), but That's my strength and usually I'm able to logically come up with a simple solution to her "major problems", so ultimately its a nice balance.
But on a side note, after being completely alone and pretty miserable for 25 years and now being on the other side, standing on that "greener" grass that I always dreamed about, I will say that a relationship can be a wild slip and slide. There's both ups and downs and untimely I'm much happier, but these things take a lot of work to be successful.
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While the girl I am currently seeing is smart, she has a really terrible memory and its becoming something that I am really disliking. She constantly misremembers things and thinks she tells me things that she hasn't and then gets a bit angry when I have no idea what she is talking about. Its becoming very common to the point that I am even writing this out. It actually baffles me how someone could misremember so much yet still be smart and capable of succeeding in life. On the other hand, I have a very solid memory. I can usually recall lots of the finer details of our conversations and often stop her when she's telling me something because I can finish the sentence having heard it before. It's not bad enough to outweigh her positives, but I do wonder how I will deal with it long term because it does get frustrating.
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Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women. Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.
Problem being, I'm 19, I highly doubt anyone will be near my age, but I may give it a shot, I find it a bit awkward though
Hey, you and I are the same age. What is your biggest goal in life right now?
If I'm honest I don't really have a goal, I just want someone with me if you understand, I can't stand being single, or it feels like theres a hole in my life
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While the girl I am currently seeing is smart, she has a really terrible memory and its becoming something that I am really disliking. She constantly misremembers things and thinks she tells me things that she hasn't and then gets a bit angry when I have no idea what she is talking about. Its becoming very common to the point that I am even writing this out. It actually baffles me how someone could misremember so much yet still be smart and capable of succeeding in life. On the other hand, I have a very solid memory. I can usually recall lots of the finer details of our conversations and often stop her when she's telling me something because I can finish the sentence having heard it before. It's not bad enough to outweigh her positives, but I do wonder how I will deal with it long term because it does get frustrating.
Mine does the same thing.
I am now hearing things I've heard multiple times and like you said, I can finish what she says word for word. I have a good handle over when I'm repeating myself and I might say something like "I believe I said this before" or try and re-word it or tell it a different way, but when certain topics come up, she will literally go into auto pilot or like a trance
Literally same exact story, same exact words, same exact emotions and inflections. She would get herself all worked up all over again and its like groundhogs day. It used to really bug me, to the point where I actually told her she is repeating herself, but at this point I just let her finish and move on. The pros outweigh the cons.
She makes me happy about 90% of the time and miserable 10% of the time. So I'm totally down with that. Without her, I was miserable 90% percent of the time.
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While the girl I am currently seeing is smart, she has a really terrible memory and its becoming something that I am really disliking. She constantly misremembers things and thinks she tells me things that she hasn't and then gets a bit angry when I have no idea what she is talking about. Its becoming very common to the point that I am even writing this out. It actually baffles me how someone could misremember so much yet still be smart and capable of succeeding in life. On the other hand, I have a very solid memory. I can usually recall lots of the finer details of our conversations and often stop her when she's telling me something because I can finish the sentence having heard it before. It's not bad enough to outweigh her positives, but I do wonder how I will deal with it long term because it does get frustrating.
Mine does the same thing.
I am now hearing things I've heard multiple times and like you said, I can finish what she says word for word. I have a good handle over when I'm repeating myself and I might say something like "I believe I said this before" or try and re-word it or tell it a different way, but when certain topics come up, she will literally go into auto pilot or like a trance
Literally same exact story, same exact words, same exact emotions and inflections. She would get herself all worked up all over again and its like groundhogs day. It used to really bug me, to the point where I actually told her she is repeating herself, but at this point I just let her finish and move on. The pros outweigh the cons.
One of my best friends is also like that, you learn to just deal with it and move on. I just find it more frustrating with this girl because I only met her a little over a month ago now and to at this point be hearing a lot of the smae things is somewhat alarming. That isn't really what bothers me though, its more of the things she thinks she tells me but doesn't and then gets noticeable angry or annoyed that I have to tell her she never told me that which leads to a moment of awkwardness because we disagree about something and when it comes to memory, people get very defensive about what they remember (or don't). It's happened enough that I've questioned my own memory (like maybe she really did tell me that?) but considering I can recall so much more than she can from other conversations I am very sure that it is in fact her with the poor memory.
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While the girl I am currently seeing is smart, she has a really terrible memory and its becoming something that I am really disliking. She constantly misremembers things and thinks she tells me things that she hasn't and then gets a bit angry when I have no idea what she is talking about. Its becoming very common to the point that I am even writing this out. It actually baffles me how someone could misremember so much yet still be smart and capable of succeeding in life. On the other hand, I have a very solid memory. I can usually recall lots of the finer details of our conversations and often stop her when she's telling me something because I can finish the sentence having heard it before. It's not bad enough to outweigh her positives, but I do wonder how I will deal with it long term because it does get frustrating.
Mine does the same thing.
I am now hearing things I've heard multiple times and like you said, I can finish what she says word for word. I have a good handle over when I'm repeating myself and I might say something like "I believe I said this before" or try and re-word it or tell it a different way, but when certain topics come up, she will literally go into auto pilot or like a trance
Literally same exact story, same exact words, same exact emotions and inflections. She would get herself all worked up all over again and its like groundhogs day. It used to really bug me, to the point where I actually told her she is repeating herself, but at this point I just let her finish and move on. The pros outweigh the cons.
One of my best friends is also like that, you learn to just deal with it and move on. I just find it more frustrating with this girl because I only met her a little over a month ago now and to at this point be hearing a lot of the smae things is somewhat alarming. That isn't really what bothers me though, its more of the things she thinks she tells me but doesn't and then gets noticeable angry or annoyed that I have to tell her she never told me that which leads to a moment of awkwardness because we disagree about something and when it comes to memory, people get very defensive about what they remember (or don't). It's happened enough that I've questioned my own memory (like maybe she really did tell me that?) but considering I can recall so much more than she can from other conversations I am very sure that it is in fact her with the poor memory.
You can look at the glass half empty, or the glass half full. My ex-wife was like that, and it got to the point that she started making notes because I didn't hesitate to say "you didn't tell me that" and had previous experiences to back it up. Plus my memory is excellent (she watched me look at a car VIN number at a dealer lot, and type it in verbatim when we got home to check the CarFAX). She knew after a while not to argue memory with me, and while I didn't abuse that, there were one or two times I used that to slip out of sticky situations.
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Yea agreed, but that requires your ex to understand and admit that her memory is not as good. My x would never admit that and it caused a lot of arguments because of the same situation I was describing. This new girl is showing traits of that, but so far not as bad but she is also new so maybe she is taming down how she really feels, but I can clearly sense some sort of anger or frustration from her when this scenario occurs.
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Be patient with the memory issue. She doesn't do it intentionally and some people just have genuine memory issues. It happens to me a lot. My short term memory has become horrible. It's usually due to stress and anxiety so don't write her off just yet. She gets angry and defensive because she seriously thinks she already told you something but doesn't realize that maybe she only thought about telling you and that's what she is remembering.
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Be patient with the memory issue. She doesn't do it intentionally and some people just have genuine memory issues. It happens to me a lot. My short term memory has become horrible. It's usually due to stress and anxiety so don't write her off just yet. She gets angry and defensive because she seriously thinks she already told you something but doesn't realize that maybe she only thought about telling you and that's what she is remembering.
Yea, she is not being written off so easily, just a frustration on my part and I totally get why she gets defensive about it. I would too. However, if it gets worse and she doesn't get better at understanding it then it could turn into an issue. I do think this complaint of mine is a bit nitpicking, but I think some of the small things like this are important in a relationship where its crucial to understand each other and their faults and how you work together.
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Be patient with the memory issue. She doesn't do it intentionally and some people just have genuine memory issues. It happens to me a lot. My short term memory has become horrible. It's usually due to stress and anxiety so don't write her off just yet. She gets angry and defensive because she seriously thinks she already told you something but doesn't realize that maybe she only thought about telling you and that's what she is remembering.
Yea, she is not being written off so easily, just a frustration on my part and I totally get why she gets defensive about it. I would too. However, if it gets worse and she doesn't get better at understanding it then it could turn into an issue. I do think this complaint of mine is a bit nitpicking, but I think some of the small things like this are important in a relationship where its crucial to understand each other and their faults and how you work together.
It could be something she is in denial about. Is she a naturally anxious or stressed out person? That could be part of the issue, too. It clouds our minds more than one realizes.
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Be patient with the memory issue. She doesn't do it intentionally and some people just have genuine memory issues. It happens to me a lot. My short term memory has become horrible. It's usually due to stress and anxiety so don't write her off just yet. She gets angry and defensive because she seriously thinks she already told you something but doesn't realize that maybe she only thought about telling you and that's what she is remembering.
Yea, she is not being written off so easily, just a frustration on my part and I totally get why she gets defensive about it. I would too. However, if it gets worse and she doesn't get better at understanding it then it could turn into an issue. I do think this complaint of mine is a bit nitpicking, but I think some of the small things like this are important in a relationship where its crucial to understand each other and their faults and how you work together.
It could be something she is in denial about. Is she a naturally anxious or stressed out person? That could be part of the issue, too. It clouds our minds more than one realizes.
Im still getting to know her, but I think at this point I can say she is anxious and has ADD. It's very possibly her mind is clouded and whatnot, it doesn't totally matter to me why she forgets or misremembers, just as long as it doesnt effect our relationship.
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At least she has a legitimate reason and isn't just not paying attention to the conversations. When the time is right, bring it up in as a sincere way as possible.
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Yea, well its not a big enough thing to actually bring up a serious conversation about it. I did however last weekend joke about it which she took well and laughed and actually agreed. I'm seeing her tonight, she wants to order chinese food and watch game of thrones in my man cave followed by hopefully (assuming the weather holds as it is this morning) some stargazing on my hammock. Can't complain about those plans :biggrin:
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Those sound like beautiful plans.
So the NJ girl deleted her account and the girl with the killer smile has stopped responding. So I was down to 1 again, but then a woman I had started speaking to a while ago just messaged me a little while ago. She wants to meet for coffee Thursday. The only problem is that she lives in Manhattan and it's quite the haul for me if I am home at the time. When I'm going after work it's just a quick subway ride.
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Yea, go into Manhattan just for coffee? Sounds like a lot of effort IMO. Sorry the other ones didn't work out.
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It's not so easy. I am talking to this other girl named Val, but she works 18 hours a day, 6 days a week and isn't available to meet until June. I have discounted her because someone with that kind of schedule cannot make for a good relationship. She's cool though, a bit of a weirdo like me. But she doesn't rush into dating and sometimes takes months before anything romantic is considered. Ugh
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Yea... that would be a big turn off to me. Im fine without rushing, especially if you like the girl, but 18 hour work days 6 days a week just seem like that could never work.
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You guys do what you want to do, because everyone is different, and everyone has their walkaway points... but for me - and I recognize it is just for me - probably my worst relationship (my marriage) was the one that looked best on paper (things in common, lived close by, etc. etc.). The best - the one I'm in now (and no, I'm not Gene Simmons telling everyone the latest album is "the best one we've ever done") - was sort of a leap. Little farther away than I would have liked, three kids including a young son with special needs, lunatic ex-husband who lives literally around the corner. country music fan versus a NWOBHM fan... and yet we gave it a shot and we couldn't be happier. The areas where we HAVE to be good (communication, patience, understanding) we're GREAT. I don't carry grudges, she doesn't make mountains out of molehills, and we're both in it for the long haul.
Point of the story, you can't win if you don't play. Ruling out women because of things that aren't inherently character flaws and are most likely temporary (how long can someone work 6 18's a week?) sounds to me like stepping over a dollar to pick up a penny.
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Well compatability is more about choice and opinion on what works for you.
Point of the story, you can't win if you don't play.
This is the truth, which was what I try to convey to the people who say they are lonely and want a partner, well you need to play the game to be able to win.
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My wife and I have been married over 20 years. We had a few similar likes but we each had our individuality. It was the focus on each other that made our relationship better. Over time, she grew to love my likes(Sports, beer, westerns, Sci-Fi) and I learned about her passions (gardening) and help her with that as well as talk to her about her gardens.
You don't have to have the same interests in everything to make it work. You have to put in the time.
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Some good news finally. That girl Georgia emailed me back and I just went for broke and said that we should talk on the phone. It would be easier to get to know one another that way. So we just got off the phone after chatting for an hour. She said she wants to meet later on so now my nerves are going all crazy on me.
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You guys do what you want to do, because everyone is different, and everyone has their walkaway points... but for me - and I recognize it is just for me - probably my worst relationship (my marriage) was the one that looked best on paper (things in common, lived close by, etc. etc.). The best - the one I'm in now (and no, I'm not Gene Simmons telling everyone the latest album is "the best one we've ever done") - was sort of a leap. Little farther away than I would have liked, three kids including a young son with special needs, lunatic ex-husband who lives literally around the corner. country music fan versus a NWOBHM fan... and yet we gave it a shot and we couldn't be happier. The areas where we HAVE to be good (communication, patience, understanding) we're GREAT. I don't carry grudges, she doesn't make mountains out of molehills, and we're both in it for the long haul.
Point of the story, you can't win if you don't play. Ruling out women because of things that aren't inherently character flaws and are most likely temporary (how long can someone work 6 18's a week?) sounds to me like stepping over a dollar to pick up a penny.
Great, great post. Agreed with every single word. :tup
Oh, except for:
...(and no, I'm not Gene Simmons telling everyone the latest album is "the best one we've ever done")...
Your avatar says otherwise. :yeahright
Some good news finally. That girl Georgia emailed me back and I just went for broke and said that we should talk on the phone. It would be easier to get to know one another that way. So we just got off the phone after chatting for an hour. She said she wants to meet later on so now my nerves are going all crazy on me.
Good luck! :)
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Well, we didn't wind up going out because her mother stopped by to see her so we agreed we'd talk again and make plans to get together. The good news is that she wants to get out of Brooklyn and moved to somewhere more suburban like Staten Island. She has family that lives near me so that would knock out the distance issue. I'm remaining hopeful with this one.
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Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women. Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.
Problem being, I'm 19, I highly doubt anyone will be near my age, but I may give it a shot, I find it a bit awkward though
Hey, you and I are the same age. What is your biggest goal in life right now?
If I'm honest I don't really have a goal, I just want someone with me if you understand, I can't stand being single, or it feels like theres a hole in my life
Hey, sorry for the late reply. Well everyone is different, but I always feel like you have to first make yourself happy before someone else can make you happy. I know that can be hard, but the best thing to do in the meantime is set goals for yourself. What do you want to do in life? I'm not sure if you're in school or working, but figure out something you want to do, and do it. Also, finding new hobbies is a great way of finding happiness. I just purchased a camera the other day because I'm going to start taking up photography. It's something completely new to me that I never really thought about doing until recently. When you find new hobbies and set goals for yourself, it can really change the way you look at things. I don't want you feeling like the only way to be happy is if you have a companion. I felt like that at one point but it's unhealthy. Plus, we are too young to be stressing so much over relationships. I've had 2 bad break ups, but I'm here today and I remain positive and motivated for whatever comes next.
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I think woman find men with goals more attractive too. I agree with Bizkit, got to make yourself happy before someone else can make you happy and yea you guys are both too young to be worried about needing to find a girl.
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I think woman find men with goals more attractive too. I agree with Bizkit, got to make yourself happy before someone else can make you happy and yea you guys are both too young to be worried about needing to find a girl.
I'd go a step further for those that aren't "happy"; what I find helpful is to look at it in terms of attitude. I'm generally a happy guy, but not always (and especially around the time of my divorce). Sometimes it's enough to just remember that "no one wants to date your issues". Not saying "hide things" or be "deceitful", but handle them in a way that is palatable. ALL people have issues, but some of us LIVE our issues.
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Life is so confusing. Now the girl who is supposedly pregnant with my child wants to move in with me. So we spent most of the weekend together. She is one I was really hoping it would work with. We struggle a bit but when we're together and everything is working it's perfect chemistry.
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Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women. Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.
Problem being, I'm 19, I highly doubt anyone will be near my age, but I may give it a shot, I find it a bit awkward though
Hey, you and I are the same age. What is your biggest goal in life right now?
If I'm honest I don't really have a goal, I just want someone with me if you understand, I can't stand being single, or it feels like theres a hole in my life
Hey, sorry for the late reply. Well everyone is different, but I always feel like you have to first make yourself happy before someone else can make you happy. I know that can be hard, but the best thing to do in the meantime is set goals for yourself. What do you want to do in life? I'm not sure if you're in school or working, but figure out something you want to do, and do it. Also, finding new hobbies is a great way of finding happiness. I just purchased a camera the other day because I'm going to start taking up photography. It's something completely new to me that I never really thought about doing until recently. When you find new hobbies and set goals for yourself, it can really change the way you look at things. I don't want you feeling like the only way to be happy is if you have a companion. I felt like that at one point but it's unhealthy. Plus, we are too young to be stressing so much over relationships. I've had 2 bad break ups, but I'm here today and I remain positive and motivated for whatever comes next.
I'm fairly happy in all aspects of life except this one, I'm in a decent paying (for my age) job, my spare time is spent with friends or playing in one of my 2 bands, My home life could be improved but no major problems.
I think woman find men with goals more attractive too. I agree with Bizkit, got to make yourself happy before someone else can make you happy and yea you guys are both too young to be worried about needing to find a girl.
I've had this conversation on here before, about being young and what not, why can't people get their heads around a 19 year old wanting a long term settling down relationship? I really don't want to go round woman to woman every week, that's just not who I am.
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Nothing wrong with wanting to find a partner for life, my point was I don't see why you "need" to find someone as if like time is running out or something.
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Nothing wrong with wanting to find a partner for life, my point was I don't see why you "need" to find someone as if like time is running out or something.
I don't really know either, It's just the way I am, I don't feel like myself if I don't have a close partner.
I really have no clue why.
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Nothing wrong with wanting to find a partner for life, my point was I don't see why you "need" to find someone as if like time is running out or something.
This was kind of my thought. It's okay to 'want', to have 'goals', but when the simple achievement of those goals seems to overwhelm the real benefit of the goal (i.e., having "a" partner, instead of waiting until you have "THE" partner) it sort of makes me wonder.
I don't doubt you know - generally - what you want, but I know for me, what I "thought" I wanted at 19, and what I needed were very very different things. But I recognize that this is not something that one can be told, and certainly not from someone on the Interwebs, who you've never met.
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As for someone who thought they met the love of their life at 19 (I was just about 20, but I did meet here when I was still 19) and then went on to date her and get engaged after 9 years just to find out the two of us arent compatible anymore, I totally agree with the sentiment that what you think you know and want when you are 19 may not be the case later in life.
I get dating isn't for everyone, but I do encourage people to meet more and see what's out there to figure out what you like and don't like. Settling in with someone because you feel a need for companionship seems unlikely to work out into a successful happy long term relationship. Not saying it isnt possible, but it's not the way I would go about it and my failed relationship is my biggest regret in life.
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She would get herself all worked up all over again and its like groundhogs day.
:lol
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Well the girl I had been seeing for the last month and a half had pushed for a relationship and I crumbled and pulled back. She was awesome and we had so much fun together, but I only had one issue and that was the I repeatedly asked to take things slow. She was the first one I dated that I really liked and felt like I could be serious with since my x and from her perspective it was the same since her divorce. Before we started dating, we both talked about our past and agreed that while we arent against a relationship forming if thats where things go, there is no reason to rush and that we should just have fun and let things play out. Well we definitely had our fun, but she kept pushing to hang out more and more and eventually I had to tell her that I wanted to take things slowly. She agreed. Then it got back where she was asking to hang out everyday and I had to explain to her again that I wanted to take things slow. She agreed again and said we would only hang out when I ask, which I thought was weird but said OK cause I figure then it will be easier for me and its not like I didnt want to see her, just wanted to limit it to no more than 3 nights a week for now. Well Friday came along and she just flat out asked if this was going to form into a relationship because she felt thats what she wanted now and I told her I wasnt ready. Now its over. I blame myself because I don't feel ready, but part of me feels like I may have lost a girl that seemed really awesome. I actually feel like I may regret this more so than breaking up with my fiance which is really odd.
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*story*
Well It's better that way rather than going too fast for yourself and ending up worse because you weren't ready, imagine if you said yes and realised you couldn't handle it 6 months down the line, I can guarantee you'd be worse off.
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Sorry to hear that cram. Maybe you should have given it a shot but then again, if this girl kept pushing for more, who knows what she would have expected once the two of you were in a relationship. I know it upsets you that she ended it but if you're not ready, then you're not ready.
I told my soon to be ex-wife about the girl I got pregnant. She knew she was pregnant already but she assumed I wasn't speaking to her anymore. She had her reasons for not liking her. Yesterday I told her that I had seen her recently and she was less than pleased. We argued over text message and then she showed up to my place when I got home and we argued some more. She told my mother about it and my mother is pissed at me, too. My soon to be ex-wife told me she would not let me see my daughter with this new girl around. She said I can only have supervised visitation. I won't be able to see her every other weekend like I was. She basically did everything but take my daughter away from me completely. So now I'm stuck. I'm in love with this girl I got pregnant but if I stay with her I won't get to see my daughter as much...for now. I know it should be a no-brainer and I should choose my daughter but I'm having a child with this other girl also so it makes it more difficult.
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Prog, your situation is very complicated so I am not entirely sure I have words that can help you. Are you going through with a divorce with your x wife? Can she legally take your daughter away? I have no idea how that all works, but if you are getting divorced, then I dont see how your visiting rights with your daughter can be taken away just cause you are seeing someone else now.
As for my story, oh well. I get it, I am not ready and she seemed cool with the fact that I am not even though it means we are off because of it. She didn't get mad at me or anything, just agreed we both have different needs/wants right now. It just sucks cause that was the first girl I really liked and my own insecurities let her slip away it seems. She texted me after I fell asleep saying we should still be friends.
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My current situation;
Over the last few days I started speaking to my most recent ex, not always a wise move but whatever, we started to get along again, she then says she would just like to remain as friends with a guarantee that nothing will happen between us again, but I still like her, yeah, I miss her.
So I just go all out and say that basically I feel the opposite and that was the reason that I messaged her again, because I miss her. She tells me she doesn't feel the same, she doesn't want to hurt me again.
I ask whether she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to hurt me or because she didn't like me anymore, she basically says that she didn't feel the same and it would end up with me getting hurt.
(At this point I'm having what can only be described as an emotional stroke) So then i'm just being pathetic asking what I have done to make her lose her feelings, she says I've done nothing. I don't quite understand how there can be no reason to someone not liking someone anymore.
I then go full cringe
Her "you'll find someone"
Me " that's the problem, I already did"
Her "night Jonny"
So I message her this morning apologising for last night, I know I cant make her like me, but she dismissed me saying that even if she did she wouldn't go ahead with it.
I just don't understand, My heads fucked up and well except from when I was with her it has been fucked up for a good 2 years.
I don't know why I care so much, I just end up getting fucked over.
I realise it was probably a mistake posting this, but meh, I've fucked up so much recently, how much worse could I do?
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Prog, your situation is very complicated so I am not entirely sure I have words that can help you. Are you going through with a divorce with your x wife? Can she legally take your daughter away? I have no idea how that all works, but if you are getting divorced, then I dont see how your visiting rights with your daughter can be taken away just cause you are seeing someone else now.
As for my story, oh well. I get it, I am not ready and she seemed cool with the fact that I am not even though it means we are off because of it. She didn't get mad at me or anything, just agreed we both have different needs/wants right now. It just sucks cause that was the first girl I really liked and my own insecurities let her slip away it seems. She texted me after I fell asleep saying we should still be friends.
My ex is calling the divorce lawyer today. She is going to use against me the fact that I'm seeing two therapists and make it seem like I'm not mentally capable of taking care of my daughter. My ex is being spiteful because she does not like this new girl. I don't know what my rights are legally as far as this goes.
Do you still want to be friends with this girl?
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Man that sucks, best of luck with everything is really all I can say.
And no I dont really want to just be friends. I just want to move on if she doesn't want to take her time with me.
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I can't blame you really. It's like a slap in the face really.
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Vindictiveness and spitefulness is probably the biggest turnoff that I can think of.
It makes it impossible to trust that person and thus you have to be paranoid about revealing vulnerabilities, which I personally have many of. A lot which can be used against me if the shit hits the fan. So, any sign of manipulativeness or vindictiveness, then I'm done.
Sadly, it sometimes reveals itself later down the line.
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The spitefulness definitely comes out during a break up. My x used that against me too, but being that we weren't married it didnt get used in the court system so it wasn't that bad comparatively. That spitefulness is a reason why I can't even be friendly with my x though, cause like Phoenix said, its a huge turn off and a bad sign of character.
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John, do what you have to do for now to get rights for your daughter. If that means no chicks right now it's the right thing. It's obvious the ex will do anything to screw you out of parental rights. Once it's done then you can get on with your life. Make your daughter your #1 priority right now. You already have a lot on your plate.
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John, do what you have to do for now to get rights for your daughter. If that means no chicks right now it's the right thing. It's obvious the ex will do anything to screw you out of parental rights. Once it's done then you can get on with your life. Make your daughter your #1 priority right now. You already have a lot on your plate.
I have a second child on the way. They both have to be my priority. I can't just completely abandon the unborn child.
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OHHHH!!! I DIDN'T READ THAT!
Yup. You do. Stay out of the ex's line of fire. Don't give here any ammo. I see the smile on your face when you post pics of you and your daughter. So do the right thing and don't let the negativity of the ex bring you down. You've got a little smile and one on the way to be your light moving forward.
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Can you get your therapists to formally decalre in writing that you are a fit father?
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OHHHH!!! I DIDN'T READ THAT!
Yup. You do. Stay out of the ex's line of fire. Don't give here any ammo. I see the smile on your face when you post pics of you and your daughter. So do the right thing and don't let the negativity of the ex bring you down. You've got a little smile and one on the way to be your light moving forward.
That's what I'm trying to do. It's taking some time but soon I'll reach the light at the end of the tunnel.
Can you get your therapists to formally decalre in writing that you are a fit father?
I was thinking of doing that. I have to call her and make my next appointment so maybe I'll see if she can help with that.
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My current situation;
Over the last few days I started speaking to my most recent ex, not always a wise move but whatever, we started to get along again, she then says she would just like to remain as friends with a guarantee that nothing will happen between us again, but I still like her, yeah, I miss her.
So I just go all out and say that basically I feel the opposite and that was the reason that I messaged her again, because I miss her. She tells me she doesn't feel the same, she doesn't want to hurt me again.
I ask whether she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to hurt me or because she didn't like me anymore, she basically says that she didn't feel the same and it would end up with me getting hurt.
(At this point I'm having what can only be described as an emotional stroke) So then i'm just being pathetic asking what I have done to make her lose her feelings, she says I've done nothing. I don't quite understand how there can be no reason to someone not liking someone anymore.
I then go full cringe
Her "you'll find someone"
Me " that's the problem, I already did"
Her "night Jonny"
So I message her this morning apologising for last night, I know I cant make her like me, but she dismissed me saying that even if she did she wouldn't go ahead with it.
I just don't understand, My heads fucked up and well except from when I was with her it has been fucked up for a good 2 years.
I don't know why I care so much, I just end up getting fucked over.
I realise it was probably a mistake posting this, but meh, I've fucked up so much recently, how much worse could I do?
I read your post and was sort of indifferent to it until one line.
If I'm being a dick, I apol... no, actually, I don't apologize. You can say a lot of things, but "you getting fucked over" is not one of them. You brought this on yourself, friend, no two ways about it. Personally? I think your girl there is selfish and manipulative, and you're letting it happen. Put her on block and forget about the "friends" thing. She's the only woman on the planet? Of course not.
What you keep doing - what YOU keep doing, not someone doing it to you - is pulling the scab off before it can heal. You are not the first person on the planet to have feelings for a girl that aren't being reciprocated. In fact, I dare say everyone here has had a similar experience, if not more than once. You're young; go out (metaphorically) and see the world. Meet people. Sure, every girl you meet is going to be compared to THAT girl... at first. Then you'll find that it doesn't happen as much, then it doesn't happen as often, then it doesn't happen at all. To a 19 year old, a week's time is like an eternity, but it will pass.
Sorry to be blunt, but I want to see you succeed, not wallow.
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OHHHH!!! I DIDN'T READ THAT!
Yup. You do. Stay out of the ex's line of fire. Don't give here any ammo. I see the smile on your face when you post pics of you and your daughter. So do the right thing and don't let the negativity of the ex bring you down. You've got a little smile and one on the way to be your light moving forward.
That's what I'm trying to do. It's taking some time but soon I'll reach the light at the end of the tunnel.
Can you get your therapists to formally decalre in writing that you are a fit father?
I was thinking of doing that. I have to call her and make my next appointment so maybe I'll see if she can help with that.
I'm a lawyer, but I don't do family law, so this is not legal advice, but I have been through a similar situation (because of circumstance - we have a kid together - I lived with my ex for about three months after the divorce was final; one night I got a text from a girl - ironically, not a romantic partner - and she went batshit. Went through my phone and called all the females, including two from work and two who were potentially romantic, and told them I was a cheating scumbag. Thankfully one said "he said the divorce was final" and she had to admit that it was and she looked stupid, but still. I didn't make an issue of it, but the point is, I know about wacky exes.) You just have to stay focused and not let the noise overwhelm the music. Dating someone is not a crime, and is not grounds for ending custody. Seeing a therapist is not a crime, and is not grounds for ending custody (though the subject of the therapy may be; if you're a registered sex offender, going to therapy doesn't negate that).
Get a lawyer; most will do a free consultation, and many will set up payment arrangements when kids are involved. If that doesn't work, here in CT, the matter will go in front of a judge, then be assigned to a family counselor that will essentially "mediate" the custody. Maybe talk to them before to get an idea of what information you will need and what is not relevant. If I remember, didn't your ex leave to see somebody as well? It may be as simple as bringing that up and making that an issue. Not to poo-poo this, if one parent has serious legitimate issues about an exes new mate, it's not a trivial matter, but she has to have proof and has to be able to substantiate her concerns in a court room (meaning, under oath).
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Thanks for the advice Stadler. She's being a bit more reasonable today but still wants to go through with the divorce. It's just going to take time for her to accept everything but at least she isn't threatening me today. I'm hoping she eases up with the restrictions on seeing my daughter. I'm in therapy for depression and anxiety, so nothing that could ever possibly harm my daughter.
Well my ex is the one who suggested the open relationship. That's what started all of this. But to answer your question, she has been serious with someone since late last year.
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My current situation;
Over the last few days I started speaking to my most recent ex, not always a wise move but whatever, we started to get along again, she then says she would just like to remain as friends with a guarantee that nothing will happen between us again, but I still like her, yeah, I miss her.
So I just go all out and say that basically I feel the opposite and that was the reason that I messaged her again, because I miss her. She tells me she doesn't feel the same, she doesn't want to hurt me again.
I ask whether she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to hurt me or because she didn't like me anymore, she basically says that she didn't feel the same and it would end up with me getting hurt.
(At this point I'm having what can only be described as an emotional stroke) So then i'm just being pathetic asking what I have done to make her lose her feelings, she says I've done nothing. I don't quite understand how there can be no reason to someone not liking someone anymore.
I then go full cringe
Her "you'll find someone"
Me " that's the problem, I already did"
Her "night Jonny"
So I message her this morning apologising for last night, I know I cant make her like me, but she dismissed me saying that even if she did she wouldn't go ahead with it.
I just don't understand, My heads fucked up and well except from when I was with her it has been fucked up for a good 2 years.
I don't know why I care so much, I just end up getting fucked over.
I realise it was probably a mistake posting this, but meh, I've fucked up so much recently, how much worse could I do?
I read your post and was sort of indifferent to it until one line.
If I'm being a dick, I apol... no, actually, I don't apologize. You can say a lot of things, but "you getting fucked over" is not one of them. You brought this on yourself, friend, no two ways about it. Personally? I think your girl there is selfish and manipulative, and you're letting it happen. Put her on block and forget about the "friends" thing. She's the only woman on the planet? Of course not.
What you keep doing - what YOU keep doing, not someone doing it to you - is pulling the scab off before it can heal. You are not the first person on the planet to have feelings for a girl that aren't being reciprocated. In fact, I dare say everyone here has had a similar experience, if not more than once. You're young; go out (metaphorically) and see the world. Meet people. Sure, every girl you meet is going to be compared to THAT girl... at first. Then you'll find that it doesn't happen as much, then it doesn't happen as often, then it doesn't happen at all. To a 19 year old, a week's time is like an eternity, but it will pass.
Sorry to be blunt, but I want to see you succeed, not wallow.
Yeah I agree, I make mistakes, yeah, I'm a slave to my emotions that's why I can't help myself going back again and again.
I don't see how I originally bring it on myself, I keep getting told over and over again it's not my fault,
I've felt like I've had depression for the last near 2 years because of this and my previous ex,
So now this has happened It will probably last another year or so, I can't get over these people because I've never understood why they haven't worked, I don't get closure.
I can't help how I feel and I don't know what to do anymore, it's killing me
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Some people just don't mix, whatever the reason. I don't think carrots taste bad but you'll never see me putting them in my mouth. For whatever reason, I just don't ever want to eat them. You having feelings for someone isn't going to make them have feelings for you by default, and it's nothing against you.
So now this has happened It will probably last another year or so, I can't get over these people because I've never understood why they haven't worked, I don't get closure.
The closure is that they ended/don't want the relationship. For whatever reason, the love chemicals weren't being released in the brain. You can't always explain why.
Metallica is an awesome band, but my neural network doesn't get excited when I hear them. I can't definitively say why other than that they do nothing for me. For whatever reason, the music section of my brain doesn't light up when I hear them. That doesn't make Metallica any less good of a band. Having feeling for people works the same way to a large degree.
Do you tell girls about this when you meet them?
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Some people just don't mix, whatever the reason. I don't think carrots taste bad but you'll never see me putting them in my mouth. For whatever reason, I just don't ever want to eat them. You having feelings for someone isn't going to make them have feelings for you by default, and it's nothing against you.
So now this has happened It will probably last another year or so, I can't get over these people because I've never understood why they haven't worked, I don't get closure.
The closure is that they ended/don't want the relationship. For whatever reason, the love chemicals weren't being released in the brain. You can't always explain why.
Metallica is an awesome band, but my neural network doesn't get excited when I hear them. I can't definitively say why other than that they do nothing for me. For whatever reason, the music section of my brain doesn't light up when I hear them. That doesn't make Metallica any less good of a band. Having feeling for people works the same way to a large degree.
Do you tell girls about this when you meet them?
I know what you're saying but this has happened twice in a row with no explanation, There must be something like She doesn't find me attractive anymore, or I wasn't committed enough, or too much..
Do I tell girls about what?
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That you've spent years depressed because of other females.
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That you've spent years depressed because of other females.
Well I wouldn't tell potential dates that until you get to know them very well. But I agree with what Chino is saying, you can't let yourself get hung up over the fact that someone you like doesnt reciprocate it back. It's possible it's something you do, it's very possible it's not. Two people is a very small sample size to make a determination on that. The best thing you can do is take the criticism that the females have given you or from friends/family whatnot, take the honest bad things that people say about you and improve upon those. Don't take it personally, just use it better yourself. We all have things we can improve upon and I personally really like it when I get feedback from a woman because then I know where I need to improve.
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It's unhealthy to want answers. Love it irrational and sometimes you can't get rational answers. You're not focusing on yourself and the next relationship.
I've found if you find faults over the good in relationships your doing damage to that relationship. Focus on the positives. We all have things that bug us about the other. Those are the things my wife and I now embrace about each other.
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I'd just like to clarify that I'm not just talking out of my ass on this. When I was 17, I was 100% in love with a girl. Her name was Liz. One day, I go to her Myspace page, andout of nowhere I am no longer the number one on her top 8. Instead, I was replaced by a guy who attempted to rape her just a year earlier. I will never forget the feeling in the following few seconds. I never felt so crushed, so devastated, so betrayed, so used, or so sad. The feeling would not go away. I became obsessed with needing to know why (looking back at it now I realize it was because I was just a total pussy). I couldn't let it go. The feeling of emptiness and depression would not go away. It eventually started trickling into other facets of my life. I repeatedly had thoughts about dying. I never contemplated suicide as that would ruin my parents life, but I regularly had thoughts about how dying wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I went on anti-depressants and begain drinking pretty heavily.
After about 2.5-3 years of this negativity, which all stemmed from this girl, I finally started getting, for lack of a better phrase, back to normal. I finally realized around the age of 23, when I really started learning about being an adult and future planning, that I had to ditch the acts. Every girl I've ever tried to be with resulted in me faking at least one element of the relationship. I was patient, turned down several girls, and was turned down by even more, but I finally found the perfect match for me (as far as I've ever been able to tell) just being myself. I had a couple of one nighters and a few multiple nighters, but nothing serious for a about 4 years. The whole time I was actively searching for a long term partner, but didn't mind the practicing with other girls who understood that it wasn't anything serious. I also learned that I was young. At the age of 17, I would have argued until I was blue in the face that I loved that girl, but looking back at it, I was 17. I didn't even know what love really was at that point. Liz and I are still good friends. I mean, it's not like we regularly talk or anything like that, but whenever I happen to bump into her in the grocery store, we catch up for a good 15 minutes like nothing bad ever happened between us.
Sorry, I feel like I am starting to ramble. I guess what I'm trying to say is, life will suck pretty hard at times. You can plan and take all the precautions you want, but sooner or later you are going to get shit on. Whether a girl tears your heart out, you break your spine, someone in your family dies unexpectedly, you become financially unstable, etc... something in life is going to drag you down. Just keep on keeping on. I know it's cliche, but life is too short. What happens happens. No sense on dwelling on things you can no longer control. Girl falls out of love with you... just keep loving yourself.
I'm going to leave you with the following quote;
(https://static2.quoteswave.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Each-of-us-is-a-tiny-being.jpg?5e6628)
You only get a few dozen trips. The probabilty of you coming into existance was so incomprehensibly small, that you really should never get wrapped up in stuff like a girl leaving you. Just being alive is enough to overcome any shit life throws at your fan. Sure it will hurt. Let a good cry out and move on as painful as it may be, initially. I had to break all contact with Liz for over a year. It sucked, but you know what? It worked.
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I'd just like to clarify that I'm not just talking out of my ass on this. When I was 17, I was 100% in love with a girl. Her name was Liz. One day, I go to her Myspace page, andout of nowhere I am no longer the number one on her top 8. Instead, I was replaced by a guy who attempted to rape her just a year earlier. I will never forget the feeling in the following few seconds. I never felt so crushed, so devastated, so betrayed, so used, or so sad. The feeling would not go away. I became obsessed with needing to know why (looking back at it now I realize it was because I was just a total pussy). I couldn't let it go. The feeling of emptiness and depression would not go away. It eventually started trickling into other facets of my life. I repeatedly had thoughts about dying. I never contemplated suicide as that would ruin my parents life, but I regularly had thoughts about how dying wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I went on anti-depressants and begain drinking pretty heavily.
Yeah this is pretty much where I am now. By the way no I don't tell anyone about how I feel except this board only this girl I'm talking about knows that I'm depressed, though she doesn't know to what extent or the reasons
You only get a few dozen trips. The probabilty of you coming into existance was so incomprehensibly small, that you really should never get wrapped up in stuff like a girl leaving you. Just being alive is enough to overcome any shit life throws at your fan. Sure it will hurt. Let a good cry out and move on as painful as it may be, initially. I had to break all contact with Liz for over a year. It sucked, but you know what? It worked.
Thanks for this, it has really helped me a bit I think, but I've tried blocking on all social media so I didn't see her, then I get a few minutes alone and I just buckle and make things worse.
Sometimes we're our own worst enemy.
Thanks Chino, it's much appreciated
Also a thanks to king and cramx3
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I have to get this shit off my chest because I feel like I'm going to explode.
I met a girl in pharmacy school. We became very good friends, but nothing more than than. Her husband is an abusive asshole, both physically and mentally. He also has a terminal illness and does not work and is on disability. And for the record, he was an abusive asshole before the illness. There's also 3 kids. A 16 year old, 7 year old and 5 year old.
The girl and husband were living with the husbands mother who turned a blind eye to the abuse. This abuse was to her, not to the kids. The abuse got so bad that the girl had to leave, but had no way to bring the 3 kids with her.
SO at this point she is "separated" from her husband and she is making preparations for a divorce. She's driving to see the kids a few times a week, but they are still staying with the grandmother. From here on, the girl and I fell in love, and it was the 7 greatest months of my life. The first time in my life that I was genuinely happy. Meanwhile she is taking her sweet time with the divorce and that's really going no where.
Well, at this point our relationship is going well and I'm happy as can be. Well, suddenly she gets a call from her husband. The grandmother didn't feel like having these three kids in her house anymore and threw them and the husband out. So husband calls the my girl and says that he'll abandon the 3 kids on the side of the road unless she's lets him move in with her and she supports him.
So, She let him move in with her. So now there's this abusive asshole living in the same house as the girl I was getting ready to propose to and she is showing absolutely no signs of trying to divorce him, since A) he's on disability and literally can't support himself and B) he makes a great live-in babysitter as she is a full time grad student and has 2 jobs (this is the part that actually pisses me off)
So now we are seeing each other in secret and I feel like some piece of shit, for now being part of an affair, and looking over me shoulder. I only got involved with her since they were separated and in the process of a divorce. Now nothing. Now its a husband and wife living in a place with their 3 kids. And now I'm just some guy on the side.
Now the person I was ready to make my wife now has her husband living with her, with no solution in sight. FUCK
Long story short, seriously fucked up situation, and I just needed to vent.
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Long story short, seriously fucked up situation, and I just needed to vent.
Damn, that about sums it up. A really fucked up situation. I feel bad that you have worked so hard for an awesome relationship, just to be set back to where it all started.
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Give the police an anonymous tip. Get the guy arrested and have custody turned over to the mother.
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Yeah I agree, I make mistakes, yeah, I'm a slave to my emotions that's why I can't help myself going back again and again.
I don't see how I originally bring it on myself, I keep getting told over and over again it's not my fault,
I've felt like I've had depression for the last near 2 years because of this and my previous ex,
So now this has happened It will probably last another year or so, I can't get over these people because I've never understood why they haven't worked, I don't get closure.
I can't help how I feel and I don't know what to do anymore, it's killing me
Listen, if you don't want to hear this, move along, and I'll say this as gently as I can, but your first step is coming to grips with the idea that YOU OWN WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU. This isn't a drive-by where your catching a random bullet. Every contact with that woman is of your own free will, and your own accord. OWN THAT. Allowing yourself to get into relationships with women who manipulate your feelings is of your own free will. OWN THAT.
As for the rest, one post from some idiot on the internet isn't going to help you, but as a general proposition, perhaps a therapist can help you sort out those feelings. It's not about denying the feelings, it's recognizing them, dealing with them, and minimizing the situations you put yourself in that makes them worse. Seeing the signs of a manipulative person before it starts to hurt, and before you've fallen for her. I do slightly disagree with others, though, in terms of listening to what others say; it's inherently untruthful and doesn't help in the long run. Do you benefit when a girl says "It's not you, it's me; I just want to be freiends"? Of course not. Chino had it best when he said that sometimes the chemicals just don't fire. OWN THAT TOO. My avatar has a great quote, something to the effect of, "it doesn't matter how many "no's" I get, as long as the night ends with one "yes"".
You've got a lot going on; nothing that isn't addressable, and nothing that millions of others haven't dealt with, but still. I do wish you well, but you're going to keep repeating yourself unless and until you start to get honest with yourself about your role in all this. Once you own it, you will realize that it just IS, and like Chino implied, instead of trying to make yourself fit with that particular girl, you find the girl that fits with who you really are.
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I have to get this shit off my chest because I feel like I'm going to explode.
I met a girl in pharmacy school. We became very good friends, but nothing more than than. Her husband is an abusive asshole, both physically and mentally. He also has a terminal illness and does not work and is on disability. And for the record, he was an abusive asshole before the illness. There's also 3 kids. A 16 year old, 7 year old and 5 year old.
The girl and husband were living with the husbands mother who turned a blind eye to the abuse. This abuse was to her, not to the kids. The abuse got so bad that the girl had to leave, but had no way to bring the 3 kids with her.
SO at this point she is "separated" from her husband and she is making preparations for a divorce. She's driving to see the kids a few times a week, but they are still staying with the grandmother. From here on, the girl and I fell in love, and it was the 7 greatest months of my life. The first time in my life that I was genuinely happy. Meanwhile she is taking her sweet time with the divorce and that's really going no where.
Well, at this point our relationship is going well and I'm happy as can be. Well, suddenly she gets a call from her husband. The grandmother didn't feel like having these three kids in her house anymore and threw them and the husband out. So husband calls the my girl and says that he'll abandon the 3 kids on the side of the road unless she's lets him move in with her and she supports him.
So, She let him move in with her. So now there's this abusive asshole living in the same house as the girl I was getting ready to propose to and she is showing absolutely no signs of trying to divorce him, since A) he's on disability and literally can't support himself and B) he makes a great live-in babysitter as she is a full time grad student and has 2 jobs (this is the part that actually pisses me off)
So now we are seeing each other in secret and I feel like some piece of shit, for now being part of an affair, and looking over me shoulder. I only got involved with her since they were separated and in the process of a divorce. Now nothing. Now its a husband and wife living in a place with their 3 kids. And now I'm just some guy on the side.
Now the person I was ready to make my wife now has her husband living with her, with no solution in sight. FUCK
Long story short, seriously fucked up situation, and I just needed to vent.
Hard to judge a situation like this from afar, but there's a lot there that doesn't add up. I don't mean you're not telling the truth (I believe you are) but in terms of her actions and reactions. "I'll leave the kids on the side of the road if you don't let me move in with you" actually works? If he's disabled and doesn't work and is abusive and is threatening to abandon the kids, it would take 30 minutes in a court room to get those children in her full custody. You said "making preparations for a divorce"; presumably that includes an attorney; surely they have some opinion on this.
Hard truth as I see it: she wouldn't be in that situation if - at some level, and it may not be conscious - she didn't want to be. "Abuse" is a hot button issue in this day and age, and even shitty claims are being given the utmost respect and attention. If there ever was a time in the United States to make a claim of abuse and have the system work for you, it's post Ray Rice USA, circa 2015.
I'm you? I call her bluff. "Victoria, I love you. But I'm an adult man, ready to take on responsibility for you, your kids and our life together, and I am not sneaking around in shadows while this piece of shit - who clearly ISN'T ready for responsibility of any kind - manipulates you and takes advantage of you. I will help you in any capacity I can to free yourself of that scum bag, but unless and until you do, I'm not playing his game. Seacrest out."
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Give the police an anonymous tip. Get the guy arrested and have custody turned over to the mother.
Can you even do this without the abused agreeing to being abused? I think that's what makes domestic abuse so difficult to deal with because there are usually complications (like children) that prevent the abused to seek help for fear of complications (like what happens to my children?).
I am just questioning, I am not knowledgeable in this.
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Stadler
Both of these girls I genuinely loved and thought it was going well, whether that's them hiding that they feel otherwise or just me reading signs wrong I'm not sure, I haven't had to mould myself to either of them they seemed to be good and compatible with me, but again that could be me reading people wrong.
I've thought countless times to go to a doctor's, a therapist, whatever, I really don't want to do that, I'd be too embarrassed, only my ex, a close friend and you guys behind the screen know about this.
I know you're saying I can control a lot more, but people can still be unpredictable
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Stadler
Both of these girls I genuinely loved and thought it was going well, whether that's them hiding that they feel otherwise or just me reading signs wrong I'm not sure, I haven't had to mould myself to either of them they seemed to be good and compatible with me, but again that could be me reading people wrong.
I've thought countless times to go to a doctor's, a therapist, whatever, I really don't want to do that, I'd be too embarrassed, only my ex, a close friend and you guys behind the screen know about this.
I know you're saying I can control a lot more, but people can still be unpredictable
First, and most important, I can't tell you "not to be embarrassed", but that is their job, to hear people like you (and me) and help them. You would be (perhaps) surprised at how common these issues are. I was raised in a family that kept their shit under wraps and it was "nobody's business" but now I can't imagine not having the benefit of a therapist to help with situations like this. Sure, some things are more sensitive than others, but I'm not sure how it's any different than telling me or Cramx3 or Progsnob. And ask yourself this question: what's the worse feeling? Being depressed and hurt by those women that don't give a shit about you or being embarrassed by talking to a therapist who's only reason for being is to help you feel better and BE better?
The second point, though, is perhaps me not being clear; I don't mean control a lot more, and certainly not control someone else. That's a fool's game. I mean control yourself and accept your feelings. And that means reacting and dealing with the unpredictable. Life happens, and people sometimes just change their minds, and you have to accept that and own that. Doesn't mean you not be hurt, doesn't mean you have to be happy about it, but it also doesn't mean you're being "fucked over". And to the extent that you're involved with either of these women on a repeat basis that is ALL on you. To the extent you've gone back when they've said "Well, maybe I do like you..." and you've been hurt again, that's manipulative on their part. You HAVE to put your wellbeing first, and being manipulated is not that. Think about it this way: what kind of girlfriend is she going to be long term if she doesn't give a shit about your feelings? What kind of boyfriend/husband/father are you going to be if you aren't willing to stand up for your own feelings, let alone your partner's or children's?
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Stadler
Both of these girls I genuinely loved and thought it was going well, whether that's them hiding that they feel otherwise or just me reading signs wrong I'm not sure, I haven't had to mould myself to either of them they seemed to be good and compatible with me, but again that could be me reading people wrong.
I've thought countless times to go to a doctor's, a therapist, whatever, I really don't want to do that, I'd be too embarrassed, only my ex, a close friend and you guys behind the screen know about this.
I know you're saying I can control a lot more, but people can still be unpredictable
First, and most important, I can't tell you "not to be embarrassed", but that is their job, to hear people like you (and me) and help them. You would be (perhaps) surprised at how common these issues are. I was raised in a family that kept their shit under wraps and it was "nobody's business" but now I can't imagine not having the benefit of a therapist to help with situations like this. Sure, some things are more sensitive than others, but I'm not sure how it's any different than telling me or Cramx3 or Progsnob. And ask yourself this question: what's the worse feeling? Being depressed and hurt by those women that don't give a shit about you or being embarrassed by talking to a therapist who's only reason for being is to help you feel better and BE better?
The second point, though, is perhaps me not being clear; I don't mean control a lot more, and certainly not control someone else. That's a fool's game. I mean control yourself and accept your feelings. And that means reacting and dealing with the unpredictable. Life happens, and people sometimes just change their minds, and you have to accept that and own that. Doesn't mean you not be hurt, doesn't mean you have to be happy about it, but it also doesn't mean you're being "fucked over". And to the extent that you're involved with either of these women on a repeat basis that is ALL on you. To the extent you've gone back when they've said "Well, maybe I do like you..." and you've been hurt again, that's manipulative on their part. You HAVE to put your wellbeing first, and being manipulated is not that. Think about it this way: what kind of girlfriend is she going to be long term if she doesn't give a shit about your feelings? What kind of boyfriend/husband/father are you going to be if you aren't willing to stand up for your own feelings, let alone your partner's or children's?
I don't know, I've always been one of them people who keeps it mainly to themselves, I can't explain why I don't want to go to a therapist or doctor other than feeling like it's giving in or something, I don't know why at all.
I've agreed with you over and over that yeah it's my fault for repeatedly going back but I feel like I can't help it, my optimistic mind goes "well it can't get worse, you never know it might work!" and of course it never does and then it is worse.
Yeah, I'm a pushover, I'm a "helpless romantic", I'm a slave to my emotions, I don't know how to control it, it gets to a bad point, then I say "I want this back, I miss that feeling" and when it hits that point, it's all I think about. This place is basically my venting area. And when it reaches this point, I've no idea why but everything else in my life could be fine, buttthis keeps dragging me down, even though I know as much as everyone else here that it's not reallythat important.
Everyone just wants to feel loved and appreciated really
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I agree, if you got the balls to type it out here for us all to read and chime in on, you certainly shouldnt be embarrased to speak your mind to someone who is trained to listen and advise on these sort of things.
I used to feel that same way about seeing a therapist though. When my relationship was unraveling, my x who has a doctorate in psychology, was obviously very big on us seeing a relationship therapist. I gave in, figuring there was nothing to lose at that point. I know the therapist didnt help in that instance because I was already checked out of the relationship at that point and he told me the same, there was nothing he could do to help us if I was no longer wanting to be in the relationship.
However, that did open me up to the idea of seeing one for myself. After the break up I did see a therapist for a bit. Just to talk and open up about my feelings inside because my life was really turbulent with the seperation (we owned a house together, had 3 cats, other shared belongings, mutual friends and family relationships...). Saying everything and how I felt to some stranger actually really helped. I dont think he even gave me any advice or anything really, he just listened and it felt good tog et it all out. There is nothing to be embarrassed about and honestly, the therapist has likely seen it all before so there will be no judging of you or anything. You'll get more out of that than posting here IMO.
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I don't know, I've always been one of them people who keeps it mainly to themselves, I can't explain why I don't want to go to a therapist or doctor other than feeling like it's giving in or something, I don't know why at all.
I've agreed with you over and over that yeah it's my fault for repeatedly going back but I feel like I can't help it, my optimistic mind goes "well it can't get worse, you never know it might work!" and of course it never does and then it is worse.
It's not about "fault"; I don't really care about "fault". That's one of those silly things like "closure" that have taken on a life of their own (I can't tell you how many poor decisions I know of that have been made in the name of "closure"). It's about not doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result.
Yeah, I'm a pushover, I'm a "helpless romantic", I'm a slave to my emotions, I don't know how to control it, it gets to a bad point, then I say "I want this back, I miss that feeling" and when it hits that point, it's all I think about. This place is basically my venting area. And when it reaches this point, I've no idea why but everything else in my life could be fine, buttthis keeps dragging me down, even though I know as much as everyone else here that it's not reallythat important.
Everyone just wants to feel loved and appreciated really
But do you really? That's the question. I know it's none of my business and I should let it go, but sometimes the distance of a stranger is enough to see through the fog (and why therapists help so many people). You keep saying "you want to feel love" but honestly? I don't get one iota of "love" from any of your descriptions of your interactions with those two girls, and I CERTAINLY don't get any sense of "appreciation". If those girls really loved you, they would be aware of, and refusing to cause you, all this pain. THEY would own their role in this and do what they can to stop it.
If you haven't figured it out yet, I went through something like this with my college girlfriend. She didn't really love me either, but the difference was, she did care for me and my feelings. And after the third time or so, she basically in so many words said "I'm moving back to Massachusetts, don't come after me." And she did, and I didn't, and it hurt, I felt like my soul mate left, I felt like the world was over, I felt like I was staring at 60 years of loneliness, and... she was right. I don't know if I was strong enough to do what I'm suggesting you do, but I didn't have to be; her helping with the hard work is possibly the most giving, kindest gesture that anyone has done for me. It's been years now, and honestly, I rarely if ever think of her. It isn't a bad thing, not at all, but with the benefit of years, she's not even in the top three of "loves" I have been lucky enough to experience. I do know (with the help of therapy) that her willingness to account for my feelings as well as her own went a long way to making later loves that much better. "Evidence of Autumn" by Genesis covers it rather nicely (though I suspect the girl in that song met a different fate):
"Though you hardly can recall
Her face or form
Her memory lingers on.."
I've said all I can. Good luck.
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I hope Prog Snob and Phoenix will get help for their situations, the ex wife nor the ex husband don't have any right whatsoever to mess with any of the kids or to try to manipulate your/Phoenix's girl's behavior. Good luck with that.
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I hope Prog Snob and Phoenix will get help for their situations, the ex wife nor the ex husband don't have any right whatsoever to mess with any of the kids or to try to manipulate your/Phoenix's girl's behavior. Good luck with that.
Yesterday my ex-wife, my girlfriend, and I sat down and cleared the air. My ex just wanted to be reassured that our child together would never be put in harm's way. My ex has an issue with sometimes overreacting at first but then the next day being able to think more clearly. She threatened to keep my daughter away from me completely and I snapped. I told her I don't care how many people I have to borrow money from. I will get a lawyer and take her to court because she can't legally do that. She finally changed her tune and now everything is going to be alright.
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I hope Prog Snob and Phoenix will get help for their situations, the ex wife nor the ex husband don't have any right whatsoever to mess with any of the kids or to try to manipulate your/Phoenix's girl's behavior. Good luck with that.
Yesterday my ex-wife, my girlfriend, and I sat down and cleared the air. My ex just wanted to be reassured that our child together would never be put in harm's way. My ex has an issue with sometimes overreacting at first but then the next day being able to think more clearly. She threatened to keep my daughter away from me completely and I snapped. I told her I don't care how many people I have to borrow money from. I will get a lawyer and take her to court because she can't legally do that. She finally changed her tune and now everything is going to be alright.
Good to hear! That's great that the three of you were able to peacefully come to terms and an understanding. That is what is in the best interest of everyone including the children.
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I hope Prog Snob and Phoenix will get help for their situations, the ex wife nor the ex husband don't have any right whatsoever to mess with any of the kids or to try to manipulate your/Phoenix's girl's behavior. Good luck with that.
Yesterday my ex-wife, my girlfriend, and I sat down and cleared the air. My ex just wanted to be reassured that our child together would never be put in harm's way. My ex has an issue with sometimes overreacting at first but then the next day being able to think more clearly. She threatened to keep my daughter away from me completely and I snapped. I told her I don't care how many people I have to borrow money from. I will get a lawyer and take her to court because she can't legally do that. She finally changed her tune and now everything is going to be alright.
Good to hear! That's great that the three of you were able to peacefully come to terms and an understanding. That is what is in the best interest of everyone including the children.
Exactly. So last night I booked my girlfriend's ticket to Florida. I was heading down there with my best friend and his wife for our friend's 40th birthday party. So now my girlfriend will be joining us for a week of Florida sun. I'm really looking forward to this.
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Sounds fun, have a good time bud!
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So on Tuesday, a new coworker of mine pointed out the fact that it seems very obvious that another coworker has a thing for me (which I already pretty much knew). He then told me about his girlfriend's friend, who was in the car with him when he was dropped off the day before, thinking I was cute and asking him to "mention" her. Huh.
And then today... there's this girl who I see everyday on the bus... really cute... Well... today she sat next to me. The bus was like only 1/4 full AND SHE SAT NEXT TO ME, SAID HI, AND SMILED!. I said good morning back and went on with my browsing of DTF on my phone. I'll see her again tomorrow. Or not. She seems to be like a tad younger than me. Maybe even 17. Uh Oh. Oh Well.
And then later this morning I ran to the grocery store next to work to grab a breakfast burrito from the deli. I met another girl there... really really pretty... and had a short convo with her. Recommended her a sandwich. When we parted ways, she smiled cutely and said goodbye. I'll probably never see her again.
Idk. I am in an interesting lovesick mood.
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You should invite them all over for a party time.
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My coworker, a possible minor, and the chick from the deli?
:lol
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My coworker, a possible minor, and the chick from the deli?
:lol
That sounds like fun actually. ;)
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Sounds fun, have a good time bud!
Thanks. Here's a picture of her by the way and a picture of us seconds after we booked the flight.
(https://i1272.photobucket.com/albums/y393/Prog_Snob/481815_10151244986396668_931857691_n_zpsummib6oy.jpg)
(https://i1272.photobucket.com/albums/y393/Prog_Snob/11295912_10153247891826668_5913310499206219898_n_zpshhifeixy.jpg)
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Cool Prog! She looks good and you two look happy!
I just came back from the first wedding I had ever gone to alone. It was fun and all, but made me really wish there was a girl in my life that I really could enjoy the moment with. My coworker (the groom) had been pushing me to bring the last girl I was seeing, but as I talked about here, things didnt work out with us so I went alone. It was definitely fun, just was very different from what I was used to (in terms of going to a wedding with a date).
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I went to my cousins wedding alone and it was also the first time for me going alone. I enjoyed it though but it always makes you wish you had someone there with you especially when all of the couples are slow dancing.
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Man, you do look like a prog snob ;D ;D
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Man, you do look like a prog snob ;D ;D
No he doesn't. He's with a female. :neverusethis:
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:lol, touche
Sorry, this will probably be a long vent...
So guys, I come to this thread occasionally for various reasons, and today it's because I feel like I might have to break it off with somebody I'm seeing. Things have become really awkward between us, at least for me. He has to be able to feel the weirdness, but he hasn't acknowledged it. I feel basically like we're just friends at this point, but he obviously doesn't (he's always doing stuff like showering me with compliments, which makes me feel uncomfortable)... and that's what freaks me out, because we're clearly not on the same wavelength and I'm afraid this will come out of left field. But I feel it's not fair to either of us to keep it going at this point. I just feel like things have fizzled. He's getting on my nerves more and more, and I'm realizing it's not so much him as me being resentful about the fact that I haven't said anything about how I'm feeling. I suck at that.
Today he really upset me over something that shouldn't have been a big deal- basically, last night he teased me for a silly slip of the tongue I made. I said "spin" instead of "roll" in reference to dice in a game. He thought this was just hilarious, and today when I stopped by his work he said he laughed a couple of times thinking about it later on last night. I was furious and went into defense-mode, though I didn't say what I was thinking ("You're being a condescending ass right now"). It just made me think about the pile of times he's upset me for similar reasons (condescension towards me or others, being a know-it-all, that kind of stuff)... more situations where I've never said anything because I suck at speaking up for myself and I tend to freeze up in the moment.. then, when I have my words back hours (or days) later I feel like it's stupid to say something, so I eat the feelings and they stew inside of me. I decided not to do that tonight and, hours later, told him via text that I felt like he was making fun of me earlier. He wrote back saying that he had been "actually making fun of himself" but didn't express it properly, which just makes no fucking sense to me and just made me even more annoyed.
The point is that I just don't think I feel the same way about him that I used to, but I'm afraid to say something because I'm always so afraid to hurt peoples' feelings. I will make myself horribly uncomfortable and miserable for the "sake" of somebody else, even though I'm not doing them any favors either. People think I'm so honest and genuine all the time, but they don't realize the shit that I bottle up inside. I choke when I try to be real about stuff like this. I'm deathly afraid of hurting people and them hating me for whatever I say. So, on more than one occasion I've stayed in a relationship longer than I should've because I am just terrified of initiating that conversation. It makes me feel stupid and like an asshole, which is where I'm at right now :(
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You could always go the easy route and dump him via text, which seems to be more and more then norm these days, instead of having to do the face-to-face thing. How long have you guys been seeing each other that way?
I'm bad about that stuff, too. Years ago, I was dating a teacher - we had gone out like five times - and she was okay, but very clingy and I just wasn't that into her. I kind of just stopped calling her (this was still in my pre-texting years :lol), and then it was maybe a week later, she sent me an email that said, "So, I guess we aren't talking anymore?" I was then able to kind of do the "we shouldn't see each other anymore" thing via email, which made me feel bad, but a face-to-face, even when it is someone you haven't been seeing long, is brutal, especially when you know they like you a lot more than you like them.
I recently was dating a really nice lady, and we both thought a lot of the other (for one, we had similar high values, which is rare nowadays), but there was just no click. Our conversations were terrible, whether texting or on the phone or in person, and I was like, "She has to know this, too, right?" What's crazy is that our conversation on our first date was great; we talked effortlessly for like 2 1/2 hours! But it's like we blew our wad right then and there. :lol :lol Fortunately, after several more weeks, she did sense it, too, and it was brought up and resolved rather quickly. It was almost a relief not to have to worry about having another bad conversation. Of course, the superficial part of me was disappointed, because she was very, very attractive (very pretty face, brunette AND thin, always a big hit in my book ;)), but that's the way it goes sometimes. :facepalm: :lol
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I know that feeling!
We've been seeing each other since March of last year, so a fairly long time. Not exclusively- I told him from the beginning I wasn't interested in something super-serious or monogamous, but it became somewhat serious and the "L" word was exchanged and whatnot. I think, like you said, we "blew our wad" fairly early and it's been getting stale for a while now. I've been so busy with one thing or another that I've been able to brush it off, and since I moved to a different neighborhood (we used to live 11-12 blocks from each other and now it's 6-7 miles) we've naturally been seeing less of each other anyway... but he's been overeager to come over and see me and that sort of thing, and the fact that he's still SO into it not only turns me off a bit but also makes me uncomfortable because I'm not so into it and don't want to lead him on.
In the beginning, as always, it was very exciting and I noticed but overlooked a lot of his weaker points. I was wooed by how intelligent and quirky he is, and our common interests, and I sort of ignored the fact that he's very emotionally immature, drinks too much, etc. Over time I began to realize that he is very much like the first guy I dated in college- very low self-esteem, so he uses his geekiness and knowledge about stuff like movies or whatever (he has a film degree) to try and make himself feel better/superior to others. I find this extremely irritating and have become so tired of him showing off his knowledge about stuff, while at the same time cutting off his emotions and refusing to live up to his potential. I'm (clearly) not the kind of girl who says "You gotta make six figures and buy me nice things to be my man!"- in fact, I'm stubbornly self-sufficient and I'm often the one treating my dates and that sort of thing. However, when you're 30 years old with a college degree and working a retail job where you make about $300 a week and are basically living off the kindness of your dad, that lack of motivation is a big turnoff. I think he has a TON of work to do on himself before he can be happy in a relationship (and life), and while in the beginning it was like "Let's just be in the moment and accept each other for who we are," I'm feeling a bit less romantic and more realistic about everything.
We still have a lot of common interests and I do enjoy hanging with and talking to him... it's when the lovey and sexy parts come in that I get uncomfortable at this point. I could see us continuing to communicate down the road and maybe do things like see movies together (we both love movies, and he's still on good terms with most of his exes, one of whom I'm also friends with- good sign), but when I think about continuing to date I just don't see a future.
I just can't, after all this time, see myself cutting it off via text/phone. So it's initiating that conversation tat absolutely terrifies me. Blah. I think I may just so silent for a while and see what happens, give both of us time to think.
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Minus the job/motivation, this guy sounds a lot like myself. I am the type of person that cracks stupid jokes when my girl says something stupid or slips and it comes out funny or whatever and my emotional IQ is low. I actually kind of "get it" when he says he is amking fun of himself in a way, because I often make fun of myself by making jokes about other people. It's a weird thing and I don't know how to explain it, but I KNOW I have pissed a girl off by doing it before and it isn't until some time later when I reflect on what happened that I realized my joke which I thought was funny was actually not funny and seen by the other as offensive because they perceive it as me making fun of them (which it isn't, but if I put myself in their shoes I can see how it would be). Stuff like that can be fixed and made better by communication.
The emotionally imature stuff is hard to break though, and it honestly may just be his personality in which case it is what it is. The last girl I saw actually said on our "break up talk" (if you want to call it that) that I was not emotional enough. My x-fiance always said that too, that my emotions weren't capable enough to deal with her own emotions. Most men are not as emotional as woman, but there are varying levels and I would put myself on the low end. I know I am not capable of being in a relationship with someone who is overly emotional, we just don't mix.
While it is ridiculously tough to end a relationship, I would recommend you do it sooner than later because it is only going to hold you back from living your life (and his as well) since it seems obvious you know that this isn't going to work out. Once you know that, you need to end it. That is a big regret of my own from my past, held onto a relationship way longer than should have and the break up only gets worse the longer you hold on.
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The emotionally imature stuff is hard to break though, and it honestly may just be his personality in which case it is what it is. The last girl I saw actually said on our "break up talk" (if you want to call it that) that I was not emotional enough. My x-fiance always said that too, that my emotions weren't capable enough to deal with her own emotions. Most men are not as emotional as woman, but there are varying levels and I would put myself on the low end. I know I am not capable of being in a relationship with someone who is overly emotional, we just don't mix.
Sounds very familiar
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Just here to talk to myself again really so I can write down how I am and basically review myself.
I've got over the initial depression, I'm no longer a complete emotional wreck, I'm not drinking every night of the week any more and I'm pretty sure the tunnel vision has gone.
I think I'm glad i've not found anyone new yet as i'd probably have realised it would have been a bounce back, meaningless relationship.
Basically i'm feeling a bit more stable now and preparing to search for the next lady when I feel it's time.
But also makes me uncomfortable because I'm not so into it and don't want to lead him on.
*snip*
but when I think about continuing to date I just don't see a future.
I just can't, after all this time, see myself cutting it off via text/phone. So it's initiating that conversation tat absolutely terrifies me. Blah. I think I may just so silent for a while and see what happens, give both of us time to think.
I'd say the best course would be to end it so it isn't carrying on because he will only get more in to you the longer it goes on.
At the very least just bring the subject up
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Time is the best way to move on. Don't force yourself to look for relationship, enjoy your time off Jonny. Let it happen naturally.
Jackie, the longer you postpone breaking up, the harder it is and the uglier it gets. Just go for it. It will be better for both of you.
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I know, I just have this problem of waiting until the "right" time to have a talk with somebody, which is just a great way to keep putting it off. I haven't heard from him since last night (I didn't know how to respond to what he said) and I haven't reached out. He works all day today and then I have a bunch of shit going on this coming week, so I honestly don't even know when I'll have time to sit down with him.
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Man, you do look like a prog snob ;D ;D
No he doesn't. He's with a female. :neverusethis:
:lol
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I know, I just have this problem of waiting until the "right" time to have a talk with somebody, which is just a great way to keep putting it off. I haven't heard from him since last night (I didn't know how to respond to what he said) and I haven't reached out. He works all day today and then I have a bunch of shit going on this coming week, so I honestly don't even know when I'll have time to sit down with him.
Well, I think you already know "there is no 'right' time", but I disagree with some of the others here; you DON'T have to rush this, provided you're not pretending all is roses in the meantime. If the "talk" is that stressful for you (and I can understand that it might be), maybe let him cool his jets a little bit. Don't respond to the text immediately, do your "shit" this week, and let it sit. Who knows, he may start to get the hint a little and facilitate the conversation. If he doesn't, you're no worse off, right?
One thing I would not do, though, no matter how hard it is, is the "text/email breakup". If you're worried about leaving wreckage from the breakup, that's a great way to increase the odds of that happening.
I wouldn't feel bad about the state of the relationship, though. People progress and grow (or not) at different rates. That's why (most of us) don't get married after the first date, because more often than not things progress like you described, not like they do in Meg Ryan movies (I think I'm dating myself there. Kate Hudson?). If I married every girl I had an "AWESOME FIRST DATE WITH" and with whom I had "AWESOME TEXTS AT FIRST", I'd be on a reality show with 22 wives. Or something.
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Lol, good point. It just sucks when it gets to that point where you realize the other person is way more into you, at least if you have a heart. I've been there a few times now and it's very uncomfortable for somebody who is deathly afraid of hurting others' feelings. I have not heard from him since Sunday night but I realized I am free today after all and would like to get it the fuck over with if possible, so I am going to see if he's around later to talk. And yeah, I would never have this conversation via text.
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When I said get it over with it's because the longer Jackie waits, the harder it will be for her. It just gets harder when you think about it too long.
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I know how you feel about not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, but it's for the best of both of you so for him, it may hurt now, but it will get better and he will be better off so hopefully that helps you feel better about doing it... and I also am against doing the tm thing unless it was just something small you two had going (which this seems like it is not).
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Well, we had a looong talk. Appropriately, in a cemetery :lol... it went pretty well, I think. Long story I'm too exhausted to type out, but thanks for all your support guys.
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Well, we had a looong talk. Appropriately, in a cemetery :lol... it went pretty well, I think. Long story I'm too exhausted to type out, but thanks for all your support guys.
Wait... did I misunderstand? "Cemetery". "Long story". "Exhausted". Sounds more like you killed him than broke up with him. But at least it went pretty well... :)
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:lol how poetic, but it's good you did what needed to be done, now it's time to move on and be happy
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:lol Stadler.
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:lol
There's a part of me that thinks things just went stale with us, but another part of me that thinks it's mostly my current headspace. I don't want to be with anyone. I barely want to leave the house when I'm not working. I'm not really depressed, but I'm exhausted. I have no sex drive and I don't feel very "romantic," and I feel like I just need to do my own thing for a while. That's what I told him, among other things. There was crying and high emotions and even some "one last time" sex (took advantage of rigor mortis before I buried him in a fresh grave), which I thought only happened in the movies.
He told me he noticed things getting weird between us months ago but didn't say anything mostly for the same reason I didn't, which was fear of hurting feelings. We're both afraid of confrontation, I think. But I'm glad it wasn't out of left field for him, even though he clearly was in the place of being more "into" me than I was him at this point.
We agreed that we definitely want to be friends and want each other in our lives, but it might take a while before we can do that. We'll see.
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As weird as this sounds, considering the situation, I don't think it could have worked out any better for you and him
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You're probably right. I don't think it was a sustainable relationship from the beginning. It was supposed to just be fun for a while, and then things got a bit too heavy. There have been a few times over the last few times where I've found myself wanting to text him or invite him to a movie, but mostly I feel relieved and like wanting to do my own thing.
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You're probably right. I don't think it was a sustainable relationship from the beginning. It was supposed to just be fun for a while, and then things got a bit too heavy. There have been a few times over the last few times where I've found myself wanting to text him or invite him to a movie, but mostly I feel relieved and like wanting to do my own thing.
So in the robotic words of Matt Bellamy, it was UN-SU-STAIN-ABLE?
Sorry, I had to do it. :facepalm: :lol :biggrin:
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Going on a first meet up date in a few minutes. This girl apparently lives around the corner from me, that could be good or bad. I guess that depends on how tonight goes.
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Yeah, could be great or really awkward if things don't go well! Well? Have you not posted yet because you're still in bed with her??
You're probably right. I don't think it was a sustainable relationship from the beginning. It was supposed to just be fun for a while, and then things got a bit too heavy. There have been a few times over the last few times where I've found myself wanting to text him or invite him to a movie, but mostly I feel relieved and like wanting to do my own thing.
So in the robotic words of Matt Bellamy, it was UN-SU-STAIN-ABLE?
Sorry, I had to do it. :facepalm: :lol :biggrin:
:lol, it's true.
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Going on a first meet up date in a few minutes. This girl apparently lives around the corner from me, that could be good or bad. I guess that depends on how tonight goes.
Don't shit where you eat!!!!
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:lol
Things went well Monday night. We had a couple drinks and shared a small pizza at a local bar. She lives about 10 minutes away so its not as close as I had thought, but still close which is nice. Well we ended up hanging out again last night, she came over and we just watched TV and talked. We had a nice make out sesh. She is really nice and I've enjoyed our two evenings together, but I can already tell she really likes me, and likes me a lot more than I like her. She's been texting how happy she is and all this good stuff, which makes me feel good and all, but I'm not feeling it as much as she is. She texted me after she got home saying its been a really long time since she kissed someone and hasn't gone on a date in a long time. It's the first time that I am the more experienced one and I'm not used to that at all. She also isnt from the area, or even NJ at all so she has no friends here which I am not holding against her, but it makes for a different dynamic than I am used to. All in all, I had fun and I plan on seeing her again. We actually just agreed to hang out again sunday night. I have my concerns, but they aren't big enough to stop now since I barely even know her and I did enjoy my time with her, but I am already worried about hurting her if it doesn't work out just because of how much she seems to already like me and I would feel really bad knowing that the only person she hangs out with turned her down.
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So can't you just tell her that as much as you enjoy hanging out with her you aren't looking for anything serious right now? It would seem to me that being upfront about how you feel would save a whole lot of misunderstanding down the road.
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So can't you just tell her that as much as you enjoy hanging out with her you aren't looking for anything serious right now? It would seem to me that being upfront about how you feel would save a whole lot of misunderstanding down the road.
That is an option, but we haven't had that conversation yet which will likely be soon, but we only just started talking Saturday so it's all new and I am just going to let it flow for now and by Sunday night when we hang out again, we should have a better understanding of each other I would think.
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So can't you just tell her that as much as you enjoy hanging out with her you aren't looking for anything serious right now? It would seem to me that being upfront about how you feel would save a whole lot of misunderstanding down the road.
That is an option, but we haven't had that conversation yet which will likely be soon, but we only just started talking Saturday so it's all new and I am just going to let it flow for now and by Sunday night when we hang out again, we should have a better understanding of each other I would think.
Just a thought, but... I'm not sure I would assume anything yet. If you're having fun, continue having fun (assuming that the 'having fun' doesn't mean just boning her and telling her to "get out, I have somewhere to be".) You're both adults and it's only been two dates. As long as you both are treating each other as adults, and there's a reasonable level of honesty, I'm not sure there has to be anything more at this point, unless and until it's brought to a head (and I am old fashioned; I think "sleeping together" counts as "brought to a head").
I can see it now: "Well, that was a superior date number three, and while after date two, I felt like perhaps you liked me 34% more than I liked you, I may have been premature. At this point, and pending any fellatio that may be involved in our goodnight make out session, I believe it could be that you like me only about 6% more than I like you."
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:lol definitely my plan since we are having fun, I was just expressing initial concerns which as I stated arent enough to make me stop or force a conversation just yet about it. And no, we havent boned so its not like that. We actually just had a convo about our past relationships. Apparently we are both similar in that regards in that we were both very close to marriage and extremely unhappy and had to pull the plug. It's always an awkward convo from my perspective in telling someone I am seeing that because I feel like they will think differently about me because I ended an engagement, but so far not a single woman has held that against me which is awesome :tup
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I thought I was going to be in this club forever. I'm still here, but I just had the most astounding first date ever, and she pretty much said the same thing. She's on par with me intellectually we had an amazing conversation and shared some good beers. If we had the conversation we had online instead of in person, I'd swear I was being catfished. If she gets home from work early enough tomorrow, we are going to do something. And not that I care too much, but if we do end up dating, I will probably have the DTF record for outkicking my coverage (I won't say who I think has that current title, but I will say said person is married and probably doesn't tread in this thread).
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Everyday I am reminded more and more of the reasons why my relationship fell into pieces. :sadpanda:
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That's great DTVT, good luck with the second date!
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-trespicio/i-was-blindsided-after-tw_b_7447132.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592 (https://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-trespicio/i-was-blindsided-after-tw_b_7447132.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592)
I found this article yesterday while browsing and thought maybe it relates to the discussions in this thread.
Had my third date Sunday and it went really well, just hung out at my place and watched Game of Thrones and some other TV. We had a lot of fun and she is going to come back over tonight. The problem I have now is I am about to embark on 3 weeks of traveling (personal and work) and I don't want to be away for so long. In the past, I always lose the girl one way or another when I travel
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That's great DTVT, good luck with the second date!
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-trespicio/i-was-blindsided-after-tw_b_7447132.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592 (https://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-trespicio/i-was-blindsided-after-tw_b_7447132.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592)
I found this article yesterday while browsing and thought maybe it relates to the discussions in this thread.
Had my third date Sunday and it went really well, just hung out at my place and watched Game of Thrones and some other TV. We had a lot of fun and she is going to come back over tonight. The problem I have now is I am about to embark on 3 weeks of traveling (personal and work) and I don't want to be away for so long. In the past, I always lose the girl one way or another when I travel
I hope everyone read the ANSWER as well as the title and the question. Something I've said here more than once. "Two dates" does not qualify as "blindsided".
Anyway, hopefully you can figure out a way to make it work for you this time! Practice makes perfect!
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Agreed, the comments are also good on that article. The botom line I took away though is you need to be able to accept rejection to be able to date.
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I think I am going to the movies with that one girl from work this weekend.
It's NOT a date of any kind... but still
I am stoked.
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I think I am going to the movies with that one girl from work this weekend.
It's NOT a date of any kind... but still
I am stoked.
I hope something like this doesn't happen.
(https://lolfunplanet.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Friendzone-Level-worst-date-ever.jpg)
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:lol
Luckily we aren't friends on Facebook so.... I doubt it...
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Wow lol well at least she made that known albeit publicly
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Last night was awesome. It was NOT a date .. but it was nice to hang out with a female and not feel as if I needed to walk on eggshells. She (my coworker) and I mesh well. She's the first person I have hung out with (within my age range) in a long time that I felt 99% relaxed with.
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Last night was awesome. It was NOT a date .. but it was nice to hang out with a female and not feel as if I needed to walk on eggshells. She (my coworker) and I mesh well. She's the first person I have hung out with (within my age range) in a long time that I felt 99% relaxed with.
Even if it was a date, you shouldn't feel the need to walk on eggshells. Regardless, that's cool to make a new friend and have fun.
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I'm just used to a certain person who I still love dearly and would like to fix things with, but I have to walk on eggshells (I really can't think of a better term) most of the time when we are together.
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Well tomorrow I get to go home after my euro work trip and it looks like I actually was able to hold onto this girl while away. We have plans to hang out at my place Saturday night since I think I am likely to just pass out as soon as I get home tomorrow. She has actually been sending lots of naughty pictures and even videos to me while away which has kept me entertained :hat
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Rawr :eyebrows:
I have not talked to that guy since my birthday party on the 12th. It ended up being really awkward and he looked like he was about to burst into tears when he left. He wrote me a letter which I still haven't responded to. *sigh*
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Just met this incredible girl a few days ago. She came over to my house with some of my good friends and we all went swimming. Sure enough, we started having some good conversations and a little while after we left, she sent me a friend request on Facebook. We talked on there and then I got her number. We've been texting a bit these past few days and we just got done skyping for about 3 hours . I couldn't sleep and it was nice talking to her about anything. We are hanging out tomorrow. I'm going to pick her up at her house and meet her parents tomorrow, looking forward to that. Probably going to catch a movie and a burger afterwards.
She's just got a wonderful personality. Extremely funny and goofy, weird humor. I can probably talk to her about anything. I'm pretty attracted to her and I know she feels the same. Looking forward to seeing her again !
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Thats awesome, the whole 3 hour convo felt like nothing is always a good sign.
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I agree. I noticed talking to my ex it would get kind of boring, most of the stuff we would talk about would get old and repetitive but with the new girl, Rebecca, we could talk about the word pineapple for 15 minutes and make it fun.
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Yes but talk about that pinapple for 24 years. Lol
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Yes but talk about that pinapple for 24 years. Lol
:lol
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Haha!
We had a great time yesterday. I met her parents and we went to see a movie and got some pizza for lunch. Very, very laid back and fun to be around. Complete goofball, and I admire it.
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Awesome... so I've been seeing the same girl for over a month now, but things have gotten pretty stale from my view. She's a great girl in many ways and we haven't had any issues at all with getting along... but something is missing. I just don't feel it. I took her out for a nice dinner two weekends ago and when we sat at the table our convo was just very blah. I dont know her well enough that we can't find things to talk about, but it just felt so dead. So the week and weekend go by and we talk, but I significantly slowed down on texting and didn't offer to hang out at all, she offered but I couldn't that day. So we ended up going to the 311 concert last Saturday, I had two tickets since like March but none of my friends could make it so back a few weeks ago I had offered for her to come so we went and once again, nothing was wrong with her, but things just seemed dull between us. The concert was awesome and I had a good time, but when we got back to my place I told her I was tired and probably going to bed so she left, but that was honestly a lie. I just didn't want to spend the rest of the night feeling like the way I felt at our dinner. I actually wanted to tell her I thought this was going no where, but her Aunt had died a couple days before the concert and I didn't want to bring it up, she was also saying how she was so excited, so I didn't want to let her down. Since then, she has posted numerous things on Facebook and IG about how she had so much fun with a great guy and all and it just makes me feel even worse that I don't share those same feelings. I know what I need to do and I need to do it sooner than later, but it's not going to be easy. Another factor that makes me feel bad is she is new to the area and doesn't really have friends here.
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You just gotta rip it off like a plaster. There's no easy way to do it. But the faster, the better. Plus if it's only been a month or so if she has her wits about her she won't exactly be super invested or heartbroken, sure she'll be bummed and maybe a little upset if she really liked you but it won't have been the first time either she's not felt it with someone after a few weeks or someone has not felt it with her. That's what dating is all about, figuring if you're compatible. And if you're bored talking to her and would rather sleep than spend the night together, chances are even if she's trying to force it, she feels something is a little off herself.
She'll have noticed you slowed down on interest and texting and hanging out already so it probably won't be a huge shock. Honestly after a month if you haven't agreed on exclusivity I would just give her a call. It's not like you're dumping her, just telling her you don't want to take it any further, it doesn't warrant making it a bigger deal than it really is. Just decline her next offer to hang out, give her a call and tell her the old 'you're a great girl but I'm sure you have felt we just don't really have that chemistry we both deserve, best of luck and I'll see you around'. Gives her an out to agree with you to save face. Doesn't make false promises about being 'friends'. If after a month a guy took my time up to meet me just to tell me it wasn't working I'd think it was pretty strange and be more annoyed than if he just did the slow fade or called me up.
If you don't feel it, you don't feel it. Can't force it.
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Totally agree, but I dont think I can do the " I'm sure you have felt we just don't really have that chemistry we both deserve" since it seems she seems to be very into me. She's been using social media to let me know it, constantly posting things that pretty much says she's really into me, which i actually do find very odd. She has flat out said it to me as well, which I didn't return so I would have thought she'd get it along with the slow down in texting... but it hasnt seemed to be the case. I was thinking about doing it last night, but she kept texting saying she had so much fun saturday night. I got to find a good time this week to do it.
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Cramx3,
That's such an uncomfortable situation to be in, as I've been in that several times, on both ends of the spectrum. I went to lunch with this girl a few months ago, during school, it was kinda awkward. Hard to really find anything to talk about, as you said, it felt stale. But I wanted to give it more of a chance, maybe we just needed to spend more time to get more comfortable around each other, but I guess she just didn't feel like going through it, so she completely ignored me and I never heard from her again :lol
Like it was said earlier, better to do it early than later, and it sucks to see that she is really into you so soon, when you aren't really feeling it. Definitely not an easy way to go about it, but telling her straight up is the best way. Give her a call and tell her you're just not feeling it. Yeah it may be a little blunt, but straight honesty is important in a situation like this, IMO. I don't know if you'd still like to be friends with her at the least, or if it would make it too uncomfortable for her, but something should happen soon. Last thing you need is her awaiting a proposal from you :biggrin:
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I ended it over the weekend. Went well in my opinion, she said she noticed how I was slowly backing off so it wasn't a shock. Glad to get that off my back so now I don't have that feeling over me.
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I ended it over the weekend. Went well in my opinion, she said she noticed how I was slowly backing off so it wasn't a shock. Glad to get that off my back so now I don't have that feeling over me.
Good. Relief is good.
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Jesus effing christ, Biscuit. First Todd, and now Nightcrawler. :rollin :rollin You creepy-ass mofo. :heart :heart :heart Great movie though.
But yeah, good on you, brohan. I had to do the same thing recently. When I went on my sabbatical, I kind of left things open ended with the girl I was seeing, and when I got back I just kind of told her that nothing changed, which I didn't think it would, but apparently she did. But it's better than getting into something that grows with my own feelings festering and then something even tougher is ahead if I want to be true to myself, which is always a must. It's always tough when feelings aren't reciprocated, on either end; but it's a necessary evil, as they say. I did feel bad about it for a couple weeks and feelings take a while to...even out... But it's better in the long run for everyone involved.
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Jesus effing christ, Biscuit. First Todd, and now Nightcrawler. :rollin :rollin You creepy-ass mofo. :heart :heart :heart Great movie though.
I like to keep things interesting :lol
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Not to go too off-topic, but have you seen Enemy? It's a completely trippy, creepy, insane movie that will have you reeling in the best way possible if you like movies like Nightcrawler. By the end, I literally had my arms up in the "what the fuck!?" pose and yelling at my monitor "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?". It's great. Still don't get it in the slightest, but great. :lol
Alright, back to the circle jerk.
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Not to go too off-topic, but have you seen Enemy? It's a completely trippy, creepy, insane movie that will have you reeling in the best way possible if you like movies like Nightcrawler. By the end, I literally had my arms up in the "what the fuck!?" pose and yelling at my monitor "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?". It's great. Still don't get it in the slightest, but great. :lol
Alright, back to the circle jerk.
Yes, dude Enemy is one of my favorite movies. I just saw it about a month ago. It's a mindfuck for sure.
Okay back on topic, lonely hearts.
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Still firmly in the LHC, but I had a pretty important revelation about myself last week--I believe that I had been blocking myself from finding someone with qualities similar to my father (it's been said that the person/people you fall in and stay in love with have similar qualities with the parent you identify with the most) because I felt I deserved people who share qualities with she who calls herself my mother. It was kind of shocking, but not really surprising tbh.
I've been talking with a fair amount of men folk, but nothing's really come of it. I have taken the opportunity to go out a little more - I have 3 very good gal friends who I also work with, and we go out to eat once a month to a restaurant none of us have ever been to. We've had a total blast so far, and July's get-together (which was last Saturday) prompted talk of the four of us getting a blog together to dish over our dining experiences. I'm probably going to be the one setting that up since I'm the most tech-savvy of the group LOL :biggrin:
Really just taking some down time and trying to work some stuff out of my head that's been there for way too long.
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I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.
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Debra, good for you for getting out more. I think that's important when you are in the LHC.
I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.
This sounds surreal to me, like something from a movie in the 60s. If a girl can stick around for you that long and write you snail mail, that says something. I can't keep a girl when I go on two week business trips while still being in contact the entire time.
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Debra, good for you for getting out more. I think that's important when you are in the LHC.
I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.
This sounds surreal to me, like something from a movie in the 60s. If a girl can stick around for you that long and write you snail mail, that says something. I can't keep a girl when I go on two week business trips while still being in contact the entire time.
I'm honestly curious about that; why do you think that is?
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Debra, good for you for getting out more. I think that's important when you are in the LHC.
I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.
This sounds surreal to me, like something from a movie in the 60s. If a girl can stick around for you that long and write you snail mail, that says something. I can't keep a girl when I go on two week business trips while still being in contact the entire time.
I'm honestly curious about that; why do you think that is?
Could be many things, but none of those were relationships, just a girl I was seeing and usually not for a long time. I figure it is because if I am not actually physically there then their interest lessens. From conversing on these trips, I usually don't notice anything different other than talking a bit less due to time zone changes. I wouldn't be surprised if some of these girls had another guy they were also seeing/talking to and me being away leaves them going for the other guy instead. Really just guesses.
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I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.
Time to buy the magic underwear ;D
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Okay, I need to vent. This is going to be super long so I don't expect anybody to read it, but I just needed to get it out because I have nobody to talk to at the moment.
So I broke things off with that guy back in early June. We had one talk after that where it became clear to me that he had the wrong idea about the situation (he was talking about "fighting" for me and all this other stuff, but things had fizzled out long before I ended it)... then we saw each other at my birthday party (it was awkward) and he wrote me that letter (which was awkward to read). I decided rather than replying to him in print (it felt more like he was just trying to get closure than expecting a letter in response), I would just send him a text thanking him for sharing his feelings in it. He thanked me for reaching out and said we should have a sit-down when I was ready. Then he said "I know I said when you're ready, but it would help me if it was sooner rather than later." :\
I asked him why (because we'd already had two sit-downs and he wrote me a fucking closure letter) and he said because he still had a few questions and we also still had books that belonged to each other. So I agreed to meet with him for a short period, even though I didn't really want to or think it was necessary and felt like I was being guilted into it. Turns out he was feeling insecure because of some shit I posted on Facebook that had literally ZERO to do with him. He also shared that he was still clinging onto the hope that I just needed some time and would come back (which sounded like he was trying to bait me), but I shot that down. We left that talk on good terms saying that we wanted to still be friends but it would be a while and we both needed space. A week or so later he texted saying he thought I still had a book of his (I had looked for it but couldn't find it initially), and it turns out I did, so that was that. We never set up a time for an exchange to take place, but I had figured I could bring it to the video store sometime (that's where he works/where we met).
So, fast-forward to this past Friday night. Out of the blue he texts me "Just a heads up, I'm working ____'s usual shift tomorrow."
Me: "Okay?"
Him: "I just figured you might want to know in case you were thinking of stopping by. Didn't want you to be unpleasantly surprised."
This rubbed me the wrong way for multiple reasons. First of all, we're fucking adults, dude. You don't need to text me your fucking work schedule. We're broken up. I've only been to the store a few times in the last couple months because I've been busy and I moved farther away from it, but I will admit that I have considered his schedule and avoided making things awkward. However, I thought we had laid shit to rest and were good. If I show up when he's working, the world isn't going to explode. Plus I have his book, and we're not hanging out anytime soon.
Also, this text felt very much like he was projecting his own shit onto me and saying he didn't want me there when he was working. I was busy (and a bit tipsy) when I got the message Friday and had a crazy busy weekend so I didn't really have time to think about it, but this morning when I had time to reflect on things, I was pissed- for the aforementioned reasons, and also because I don't want him fucking texting me every time his schedule changes. That's just absurd. So I decided not to let it go and texted him this morning. I told him I thought it was a weird text to send, that it made me uncomfortable and that it seemed like he just didn't want me at the store. He said "You've obviously avoided coming in when I'm there. Yeah, seeing you at work isn't good for me right now, but it was said out of genuine concern of not wanting you to have an undue surprise at my presence."
Bull-fucking-shit, "genuine concern"- maybe for himself.
I went off on him a bit and told him not to tell me what I've "obviously" done, that I didn't want him to notify me when his schedule changes, that I haven't been going to the store nearly as much since I moved (I also threw something snippy in here about how he knows that because he's apparently keeping track of when I come into the store) and have been thinking about canceling my subscription anyway, so he didn't have to worry about me coming in. (I admit that there was a nugget of truth in there and that was partially what set me off, but I mostly just felt like he was full of shit and being melodramatic. Also I was a bit weirded out by him acting like he knew when I was in the store, because in the past if I came in when he wasn't working he would pull up my rental history and know what I rented before I told him, shit like that.)
He then clearly misunderstood some of what I said and wrote some self-pitying crap about him grieving, and me making him feel guilty and putting a lot of blame on him that he doesn't deserve.
I tried to clarify the thing he misunderstood and said I was responding to him saying I was "obviously" avoiding him (which wasn't really the case, not at this point) and couldn't he understand why it might hit a nerve to be told by somebody else that you're "obviously" doing something without them ever asking or trying to clarify?
He said "Do you really want me out of your life?"
I said "I think we're having two different conversations," because his last two texts didn't make sense in the context.
He then tried to clarify what he meant, still not understanding what I had meant (this is why texting is stupid). He said I was being hostile, that he felt attacked and hurt by what I said. I told him he needed to go back and re-read what I had written, because he was missing what I had been trying to say (I used the word "done" in a totally different context, and he thought I thought he said we were "done"- I have honestly no idea where he got it from, maybe he wasn't fully awake yet but if I typed out all of the texts you guys would see what I mean).
I said I wasn't being hostile, I was being direct, and I told him I thought it was silly for him to text me his schedule change, and that I didn't want him to do that.
Then I got the ultimate victim response: "Man, you jumped on me with this before I had my first cigarette. If you wanted to be direct, you had two days to do it before you decided to bring it up right when I'd just be waking up. This is a horrible start to a day. I feel ambushed."
Really? Ambushed? How the FUCK am I supposed to know when he wakes up, and when he's had his first cigarette? What in the actual fuck? How fucking self-centered and deluded does a person have to be? I mean, I knew he was kind of a man-child in some ways, but really? Like this was some plot against him, for me to tell him how I felt about something and RUIN HIS DAY. I basically said the above in my response, and told him I didn't have time to respond to him over the weekend, also that sometimes things take longer to process and there's no time limit to be able to reply to somebody. I had time to think about it this morning, I was feeing a certain way, so I put it out there. I told him he could choose to feel ambushed and act like a victim or be an adult and own up to the fact that he said something that rubbed me the wrong way, and that I have the right to respond to it. I told him it doesn't have to be a big melodrama, and it's not all about him.
I know that some of the things I said were abrasive, but IMO none of it warranted the melodramatic whining spectacle that followed. Really all I wanted was an "Okay, I can see how you might find that weird. I was trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation, but I won't text you my work schedule again." It was the "obviously" thing that set me off- why did it have to go there? If I believed he had "genuine" concern for my feelings in the matter it might be different, but I honestly don't think he does, based on many of his actions and his inability to see things outside of his own little bubble. The fact that he brought his cigarette and sleep schedule into this says a lot, I think. It's all about him.
He never really apologized (he rarely does) but said he didn't mean to upset me, I thanked him and we left it at that.
Blah, I dunno, I just needed to get that out.
tl:dr: I argued with my ex about stupid shit and maybe we won't be friends after all.
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Cut the cord. He'll be happy in time.
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That sounds like a big, juicy shit sandwich, lady! I've very rarely been friends with exes after a breakup; I've only had one that was just kinda like "Yeah, we're not working as a couple, but we still keep good company so let's keep bein' friends". It was most of the time that weirdly forced, like almost obligatory "Oh yeah, let's still be friends" bullshit. I just don't think that once that kind of degrading begins, if it does, the one where the fighting is a huge debacle like that (usually, in my experience anyway, over mundane things), that two people can't really go back and just pretend that they haven't been through all that shit.
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See, I am friendly with most of my exes. We're not close, but there is really only one I can think of that I would never ever interact with unless I was forced. I know it would take time for us to get to that point, if we ever do, but I think our common interests, etc. could lead to a friendship in the future (he is pretty close with at least one ex that I know of so I know he's not the type to just burn all bridges unless she's a psycho). However, his overdramatizing the situation is not helping. I wish he could just let it be and let things happen naturally rather than doing shit like what he did. I'm definitely just not going to communicate with him right now. Debating the whole Facebook thing.
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Dude best watch himself, bad shit happens to those who cross Jackie...
(https://www.wpapu.com/images/JackieWTF.jpg)
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Cut the cord. He'll be happy in time.
This. Sounds like he was really hurt in the break up and is just doing anything he can told onto something.
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He said I was being hostile, that he felt attacked and hurt by what I said.
Couldn't help not replying. Hahaha.
Couple things struck me when reading that; he strikes me as a very immature person. Smart, smart enough to know the buzzwords and technique ("I'm feeling attacked") but not smart enough or mature enough to apply those appropriately to himself. Everything you wrote that he said was about him. Not one mention of ever being in any way truly aware of your feelings.
His "closure" is not your problem. Personally (and I've discussed this with my therapist in the past; we sort of see eye-to-eye on this), "closure" is like "the journey"; a buzzword thrown out by people who don't know what the fuck they are talking about. He may be trying for closure, but the prolonged contact and continued misreading of the situation (by him) isn't "closing" anything. If it was me, I would stop trying to be a nice person and rip the bandaid; no contact as long as it is going to be this draining, futile back and forth that is only feeding his misconception of the world around him. He may be a very nice guy, but he is clearly on a different page than you (and the disjointed texts are just a metaphoric indication of that) and it's not your job to correct his misconception. Maybe you can have a better relationship when he grows up a little.
(My daughter and I were watching the last season of "Big Brother" [Derek won] and every time someone got voted off they talked about the "journey", and finally I said to her, "the journey? Only losers talk about the journey. Watch at the end, I bet you a One Direction CD that the winnder doesn't mention anything about a "journey". Sure enough, Derek wins, and pffft. No mention of any "journey".)
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Good point about "closure" I often feel like this is a term used by the dumped to continue talking to the dumper. My x did this constantly after we finally broke up. Always wanting "closure" even though I had spent over a year talking to her about why the relationship would never work and why I was unhappy. At some point there just isn't anymore to talk about and there cannot be anymore "closure" but just move on.
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The need for closure is nothing more than people's inability to cope with reality.
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The need for closure is nothing more than people's inability to cope with reality.
Yet the other needs to cut the cord so there is no hope so the person can move on. Well, that's for most. Some can be friends. I for one couldn't. I wanted to rip off that bandaid right away.
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Dude best watch himself, bad shit happens to those who cross Jackie...
:rollin
Judas!
Cut the cord. He'll be happy in time.
This. Sounds like he was really hurt in the break up and is just doing anything he can told onto something.
I think that's probably an accurate conclusion. It became very clear at a certain point that he was WAY more into the relationship than I was and I knew I needed to end it because he was going to get hurt no matter what.
The need for closure is nothing more than people's inability to cope with reality.
I mostly agree with this. I think there are situations where it's great if you can get some, but then people also use it as a tactic to keep somebody around, like cram mentioned.
Couple things struck me when reading that; he strikes me as a very immature person. Smart, smart enough to know the buzzwords and technique ("I'm feeling attacked") but not smart enough or mature enough to apply those appropriately to himself. Everything you wrote that he said was about him. Not one mention of ever being in any way truly aware of your feelings.
His "closure" is not your problem. Personally (and I've discussed this with my therapist in the past; we sort of see eye-to-eye on this), "closure" is like "the journey"; a buzzword thrown out by people who don't know what the fuck they are talking about. He may be trying for closure, but the prolonged contact and continued misreading of the situation (by him) isn't "closing" anything. If it was me, I would stop trying to be a nice person and rip the bandaid; no contact as long as it is going to be this draining, futile back and forth that is only feeding his misconception of the world around him. He may be a very nice guy, but he is clearly on a different page than you (and the disjointed texts are just a metaphoric indication of that) and it's not your job to correct his misconception. Maybe you can have a better relationship when he grows up a little.
Thank you- this is very helpful and true. He is a very intelligent, "book smart" kind of person but he is very emotionally immature. Quite frankly I think he's been coddled a shit-ton and never quite grew up in that sense, probably because he lost his mom as a teen and his dad felt like he had to protect him. Who knows, but yeah... somebody who drinks as much as he does also definitely has emotional issues.
And yeah, it is definitely all about him. When we were together he made it seem like it was all about trying to make me happy, but at the same time I think that was just so HE could stay happy by staying in a relationship, yknow? He said on multiple occasions that I made him a better person and all of this stuff, but I think he just liked having somebody to distract him from his own shit.
Anyway, I think you're totally right on with this and we need to not talk for a long time. Now the question is do I just ignore him or actually send him a message saying I think we need to not be in contact? I do still have his book and I don't want to be an asshole about that, but maybe I can just leave it at the store when I know he won't be there... because yes, I am definitely avoiding his shifts now.
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I say leave the book at the store, leave a sealed note in the book saying that there is no other reason for contact now so you would wish for him to respect that boundary for now and best of luck in the future.
Keep it simple and move on. You shouldn't have to be dwelling on it anymore and that's what he wants you to do.
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^^^ That's not what I would have come up with on first glance, but I like that better. That may be your plan, right there!
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Yeah, that's a good idea. Thanks, guys. He is normally off on Wednesdays so I'm going to try and stop in today since I'll be in that area.
Edit: I did stop in and leave his book with the guy working. I put a simple sealed note inside just saying I think we shouldn't talk right now. I also unfriended him on Facebook. We never talk on there anyway, and less chance of him seeing something I post and thinking it's about him... again. Weird though because he's friends with my mom on there :lol
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Before I make my long post, I just wanna say that even just reading through this discussion is therapeutic. I see myself at points in my life in some other people's tales. Good luck to everybody getting the fuck out of this terrible club sooner rather than later :yarr
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Hey there people, long time member of the club trying to get out of it for the first time, ever. I’m 31, went on my first real date about two months ago. I think most people would be surprised by my complete lack of experience with women. I’m a personal trainer, in great shape, very smart, funny, and I have supreme confidence in everything I do in my life. Except I have crippling anxiety when it comes to approaching women with that intent. I was literally off the field and out of the game for the entirety of my 20’s. No big deal though, I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I decided to try online dating so as to remove that initial anxiety. I have no problem talking to women in general, it’s just the cold approach.
So I decided to message a woman that lives in another city about an hour away. I had no hopes or expectations, just maybe someone to talk to and if we hit it off, maybe meet somewhere in the middle. So I get a message back from her and we message online a little. Since she was not close and I had no real hopes or expectations, I took the direct and honest approach. Dating games are tough, people say they don’t want to play them but it happens anyway, why can’t people just be honest with what they’re thinking, etc. We had the quick how’d you end up on a dating site chat. I mentioned that my anxiety with approaching women comes from my not knowing what they think of me. Her response was “I’m waiting for you to ask me on a date.” I asked her if she’s usually so forward with guys, demanding date’s and such. “No lol, I would rather the guy be assertive honestly, but you said you do not like games and want to know what I am thinking, right? So I will give you the benefit of the doubt. I felt like you might be worried about asking me, that’s why I told you I was waiting.”
The first date went great. We met for dinner, sat around for a while, then got some coffee and walked around the city. The connection felt good, we we’re both seemingly comfortable, and she even got pretty personal and vulnerable. It felt like she trusted me. As the date was ending and we were going our separate ways, we both said we had a great time, wanna do it again, and she said she wasn’t going to demand a second date, I’d have to ask this time. No guarantee, but I felt good about it. She texted me when she got home and told me she had a great time.
We talk some the next day. I tell her I had a great time and would love to do it again. Her response, “Listen I enjoyed hanging out with you... but to be honest I am worried about running into a situation again like my ex. Also, I always feel pressure like with the next date we will have to be physical in some way I am not ready for. Would you be willing to get to know each other as friends for the time being?” I ask her to elaborate, but no response. Her ex’s were apparently users who were never really fully in the relationship the way she was, and two guys took up 7 years of her life. I sent her a long message online, about how I never expected anything, and I hope I didn’t do anything to make her feel pressure in some way. I told her what I really think of her and why I’m interested in finding out more. She texts me the next day and said my message was sweet. “Maybe I am scared. I have definitely not had the easiest relationships.”
Date 2 and 3 were good. No pressure from me, but the tone of the meetings was definitely “date”. We talked more about personal things, even some sex talk. After date 3, she went to Canada for two weeks for business. She travels for business a lot. I didn’t want to bother her, so I would send an innocuous text every couple of days, but never really get responses. I hear from her on the weekend and she went into another city for some exploring. She said she would try to send me some pics, but never did. She then texts me at the end of the week that she was back. She later texts me out of no where asking if I’d ever be interested in going to this spring/cavern sometime. I said yes. I ask her on Friday if she wants to do something this weekend. She says she’s tired from traveling and wants to be a couch potato, unless I want to come down and just see a movie or something. I said sure, let’s plan something. No response. I text her on Sat to tell her I hurt my back and was laid up, so let’s chat sometime. No response. On Sunday, I decided to skip all the bs and ask if she’d be up for me coming down to her and taking her out someplace nice. I really wanted to show her what I thought of her. She says “Sorry I didn’t get back to you, I’ve been busy running errands. I would love for you to do that, but I actually leave for Canada for another two weeks tomorrow. So it might have to wait until after I return, would that be alright?” I said that’s totally alright, I get it, I just want to interact more, especially if she’s gonna be gone for weeks at a time.
Her: “I do know you want more interaction, and I am sorry. This is my job and my life right now. Until mid Sept I will be gone for two week chunks. So it makes it that much more difficult to text to know. I am sorry, I just can’t really give you that much more right now, honestly.”
Me: “I can deal with that. It just leaves me mostly uncertain about what you want.”
Her: “When I am alone, I reflect a lot about life. Last weekend I was alone in Ottawa and I realized something - that even though I have been single for 5 months I am still not ready for a relationship and maybe also not ready to date. I don’t want to hurt you, but my heart just is not ready. So if you can be friends and deal with the ambiguity of when we could see each other again then I understand and appreciate that! But if you can’t then I understand that too.”
Me: “I’ve also thought a lot. I feel like I’m in a perfectly reasonable state of mind when I say I want to find out how compatible we are. I was honest when I said I don’t wanna move fast. But, I do wanna move in a certain direction. Slow is fine, but ambiguous is tough.”
No response. I ask her if we can speak on the phone to avoid any miscommunication. No response. One last text asking her not to leave me hanging the night before she leaves for Canada for two weeks, asking her if she still feels pressure or if she expects me to use this as an easy way out. No response. I had a feeling that she might just be saying whatever to not continue seeing me without saying so much, but she did deactivate her dating profile. I have no real reason to not believe what she is saying. Other than her expressing her reservations, everything else adds up to her being into me in some way.
She’s been in Canada since Sunday, and I haven’t texted her yet. I was gonna send her a short “Hi” based text this coming weekend, something to let her know that I still want to talk to her. I’m not saying I’m in love, I don’t feel slighted or that she owes me anything, and I’m not depressed by the fact that I haven’t heard from her since then. It’s actually been easier not hearing from her because I don’t expect to hear from her. It was tough before because I expected her to want to talk to me, and found myself constantly wondering why my phone wasn’t lighting up with her text. That’s not healthy.
-How do I relay to her that I’m interested in the potential chemistry we might have and am okay with moving slowly without seeming desperate? I’m not so short sighted at this point to ignore the potential for finding what I want in the long term in favor of moving on to find someone that wants to hop in the sack.
-What’s the best way to let her know that I’m in a positive place about this? I feel like she needs to know that I’m saying what I’m saying from a place of optimism, not depression.
-When should I contact her? Now? Weekend (Saturday? Sunday?)?
-Should I send her an email? I feel like there’s so many things that need to be said, by both of us, and maybe some things that need to be heard. I think those things should be said in person, but how do I make that meeting happen? Am I in possession of a valuable piece of information that she needs to hear?
-Should I see her emotional reservations as red flags? Not so much how she feels towards me. I think she does like me, which is why she’s apprehensive. More so, are these just normal amounts of “baggage” to have, or is this a sign of emotional damage? It hasn’t felt like the latter with the way she’s opened up.
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-How do I relay to her that I’m interested in the potential chemistry we might have and am okay with moving slowly without seeming desperate? I’m not so short sighted at this point to ignore the potential for finding what I want in the long term in favor of moving on to find someone that wants to hop in the sack.
-What’s the best way to let her know that I’m in a positive place about this? I feel like she needs to know that I’m saying what I’m saying from a place of optimism, not depression.
-When should I contact her? Now? Weekend (Saturday? Sunday?)?
-Should I send her an email? I feel like there’s so many things that need to be said, by both of us, and maybe some things that need to be heard. I think those things should be said in person, but how do I make that meeting happen? Am I in possession of a valuable piece of information that she needs to hear?
-Should I see her emotional reservations as red flags? Not so much how she feels towards me. I think she does like me, which is why she’s apprehensive. More so, are these just normal amounts of “baggage” to have, or is this a sign of emotional damage? It hasn’t felt like the latter with the way she’s opened up.
My advice, which may have little to no value, I don't think you should reach out to her anymore. If she has been ignoring your messages already, then I think it is time to lay it to rest. I think you had already told her your position in going slow, but not being ambiguous. I personally think it's very odd for someone to say they want that, and to me that is a red flag. I can't tell if that is her way of "ending" things, by saying something like that because I do not know her or the context of how she said it, and then to follow it up without responding. Sounds like she is making excuses every step of the way, which is another red flag. Honestly, I think you should move on. If you really like her and SHE initiates conversation with you again, then maybe see where it goes, but I don't think you should continue putting effort and emotion into her.
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Regarding Jackie's posts,
I've seen myself on the other end of the side of that a few times and yes being unexpectedly 'dumped' is never a good thing, but I have a problem with break-ups apparently, I struggle to get over them and find the following months/year emotionally crippling,
As mentioned the best thing to do is to just part ways as I spent ages trying to get back with a girl, then gave up saying I don't want to speak as it is only hurting (yes I really am that 'weak').
Following that she kept texting me every few weeks/months, which I've done a quick reply, then nothing, cutting the ties holding you back really helps I've found rather than trying to rung back and looking pathetic.
"sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees"
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Sylvan, just wanted to add that I am sorry if my post was a bit blunt. That was just my opinion on the situation. I have found that most of the women I have interacted with or met from online dating sites have been somewhat sketchy. Almost every girl I talked to has tried to pull me along on some bs that this girl seems to have done to you. Do you know how many times I chatted with a girl and things seemed awesome and then they just randomly stop? Or, this literally just happened, I matched with a girl on Tinder, we chatted for like a week, she gave me her number and then never responded to me again. Another girl I matched with on tinder was similar, chatted with me and then stopped. I told her "it seems you aren't interested so I will back off, but I thought you seemed nice and I find you attractive, if you'd ever like to meet up and talk more let me know, otherwise good luck with your future" and her response is "oh no, thats not the case, here facebook me and lets chat there" only to be ignored after becoming facebook friends. These are just the two most recent examples. Part of me thinks these girls just like the attention, but I honestly have no clue wtf is going on most of the time.
Anyway, I seem to have a stalker now. About 6 months ago a girl on okcupid started talking to me. I responded nicely and over time we had some conversations. I wasn't initially interested, but as we talked more I thought she seemed cool. I got her number and we texted a lot for about a week back then. We agreed to meet, but the night of meeting she cancelled on me. I told her that is a big no no for me, I hate playing these games so I told her I wasn't interested anymore. I find my time to be valuable so I don't like plans being broken on me last second. Either way she felt bad and all so I started feeling bad and said fine, pick a time and place you want to meet this week and I will be there. She never did and so I stopped talking to her. A couple months went by and she texted me out of the blue. I happened to have been at the Nightwish concert at the moment and was drunk so I talked back. The next day she started texting and I realized I did not want to start this again so I stopped talking to her, again. So... last weekend, once again I was at a concert, Sublime with Rome, and she facebook requests me which I found really odd. We hadnt talked in a few months and she found me on facebook (I don't think I am that hard to find, but still). I was once again a bit drunk so I accepted her friendship after a couple hours of pondering about it. She immediately started talking to me and said she was sorry and really wanted to meet up. I actually agreed to (I am not so sure why I did this, probably my mistake) and now we are scheduled to have a drink this afternoon (I have a summer half day and she is off since she is a teacher). But I really dont think I want to meet this girl. I've got a lot of things to take care of today after work since I am headed to Rochester for a wedding Saturday so I know it was wrong of me to commit to this, but I think I am going to cancel on her, which is exactly what I didn't like that she did to me.
The point I am actually making is, the same sketchiness that the girls do to me, I apparently am doing to this girl too. I am starting to think this is how online dating works sometimes. My intentions were not bad, but I feel like I am exactly the type of person I dislike on these sites, in this particular case. Maybe it has to do with being the one that is being chased vs. being the chaser, which gives you more leverage when someone is more interested in you. I guess this was my Friday morning revelation lol
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Blunt is what I need, not some sugar coated bullshit. Perspective! I mostly agree. If our last contact was me asking her to not leave me hanging, and she does, then I don't need to be the next one to initiate contact. There's a huge part of me that wants to wait and see if she contacts me sometime. But that's the thing, to say that she doesn't have the time to send me a short and simple text, friendly if you will, is ridiculous. Maybe I'll hear from her, maybe not.
But what if I don't want to leave it up to chance? Is her contacting me the difference between her wanting to continue or not? What if my complete lack of contact, even in a friendly direction, influences her perception of how I feel towards her? Even though I've made it clear, she might see this whole thing as something that could change that, but it hasn't necessarily. I would hate for this to just abruptly end because I was too prideful and she had the wrong perception.
On you're other point, yeah, what's up with people starting good conversations, even exchanging numbers, and then ignoring you? People are wierd.
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I think you are thinking too much into it. I say move on, if she comes back then cool, if not, you will find someone better.
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But what if I don't want to leave it up to chance? Is her contacting me the difference between her wanting to continue or not?
Yes.
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But what if I don't want to leave it up to chance? Is her contacting me the difference between her wanting to continue or not?
Yes.
Lawyered!
But for real, I think I just needed to hear it from someone else. It's all out there. I don't need to say the same things again. It's up to her at this point.
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I just moved into my new house with my new bride, who I met on an online dating service. I also just spent more time on the phone in the last two weeks with my brother than I have in the last year, as he dealt with much the same issue with his fiancé.
I think you are looking at this too one-sided. She has been clear as a bell, just not in the way you wanted. (By the way, there's a GREAT book called "The Languages of Love" or something like that, and it talks about how people communicate their love and desire in different ways. Some people are "words" people; some people are "action" people. And much like it is foolhardy to go to Germany and expect everyone to just start talking English for you, it is equally foolhardy to expect a woman to immediately communicate the way YOU do. Perhaps that is what you need for "compatibility", but I know for me, as long as I know she loves me, I don't care if I know because she tells me, because she gives me handjobs, or because she just doesn't leave.
She clearly said (at least based on your words) that she wanted to hang out. She wanted you to accept the ambiguity, and she was clear that she was burned by "giving in" (and no, I don't just mean physically) too soon in the past. Short of hearing what you want to hear the way you want to hear it, I'm not sure what more you can expect. She IS being clear, just in a different language so to speak. If you don't want to put in the effort (which is fine, but you waited 13 years, I'm not sure why a couple months matters now, especially since you can date others too if you are so inclined.) then bail. If you do, then go along with the ambiguity for a spell and see what happens.
I know for me, we got to know each other over the course of about six months or so, but it was ALWAYS clear that there was no future if her children and I didn't hit it off (and her youngest has behavioral issues, so that wasn't a given) and she wasn't introducing me until the rest of it was in place (since she didn't want a parade of men coming through her children's lives). It was up to me to take or leave, and I took it. We're now married and happier than ever.
Having said that, there IS a lot of BS on the dating websites. There are a lot of women (and I'm sure a lot of men) who say one thing and do another. My enduring question is whether they even realize it.
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I'd hate to go off on a tangent here but...what the fuck is up with hand jobs? I've only ever heard americans mention it. A hand job has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard off. If I'm with someone, I'd rather have her do something to me that I can't do to myself. No thank you, I'd rather jerk off to a magazine. I mean, I've practiced all my life - I know what I like MUCH better than you, believe me! :biggrin:
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I'd hate to go off on a tangent here but...what the fuck is up with hand jobs? I've only ever heard americans mention it. A hand job has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard off. If I'm with someone, I'd rather have her do something to me that I can't do to myself. No thank you, I'd rather jerk off to a magazine. I mean, I've practiced all my life - I know what I like MUCH better than you, believe me! :biggrin:
I absolutely love handjobs. A good handjob/blowjob combo > sex.
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I love jobs in general. Working from 9-5pm gets me going. and the money? Oh lord. :o
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I'd hate to go off on a tangent here but...what the fuck is up with hand jobs? I've only ever heard americans mention it. A hand job has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard off. If I'm with someone, I'd rather have her do something to me that I can't do to myself. No thank you, I'd rather jerk off to a magazine. I mean, I've practiced all my life - I know what I like MUCH better than you, believe me! :biggrin:
I absolutely love handjobs. A good handjob/blowjob combo > sex.
Well yeah, but that's an entirely different thing. :lol I'm talking about hand jobs only.
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I'd hate to go off on a tangent here but...what the fuck is up with hand jobs? I've only ever heard americans mention it. A hand job has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard off. If I'm with someone, I'd rather have her do something to me that I can't do to myself. No thank you, I'd rather jerk off to a magazine. I mean, I've practiced all my life - I know what I like MUCH better than you, believe me! :biggrin:
I absolutely love handjobs. A good handjob/blowjob combo > sex.
Well yeah, but that's an entirely different thing. :lol I'm talking about hand jobs only.
I'm still completely content with handjobs only. I think they are fantastic. There's nothing wrong with a good old fashion every now and then.
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I'm glad not all men think like Lynxo :yarr
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I'm glad not all men think like Lynxo :yarr
Just because I have the ability to get on a ladder clean my gutters out in the spring doesn't mind I don't mind kicking back and watching someone else do it for me.
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Nothing wrong with a good HJ, especially if the woman is really into it. All depends on the technique, a good HJ is better than a bad BJ. And a bad HJ is still better than no HJ.
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I'd hate to go off on a tangent here but...what the fuck is up with hand jobs? I've only ever heard americans mention it. A hand job has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard off. If I'm with someone, I'd rather have her do something to me that I can't do to myself. No thank you, I'd rather jerk off to a magazine. I mean, I've practiced all my life - I know what I like MUCH better than you, believe me! :biggrin:
I absolutely love handjobs. A good handjob/blowjob combo > sex.
Word.
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Im pretty pumped. Got myself a first date tomorrow night. I found this girl on okcupid and her profile blew me away, so many similarities and had a lot of traits that I look for in a woman listed. So when I messaged her, I was really hoping she would respond (I would say about 90% of my initial messages do not get a response). She did and we were able to hit off the conversation and have been texting regularly for the last week. So many things in common and she has a great sense of humor. So we agreed to meet at a bar tomorrow night and we will see how it goes, but I do not think I have yet met someone with such similar interests. She told me that she is bigger than her pictures make her come off as. I appreciate her honesty with that, I have met a few girls who's pictures really distort their looks. I told her that her personality is awesome and that her looks aren't important because I'd rather spend my time with someone that I enjoy being with than someone who is all about looks. I also am not the greatest looking so who am I to judge someone for their looks. Either way, I still find her pretty (and I do think it is important that there is some physical attraction) and she finally sent me a picture of herself that isn't from her profile so I guess I got her to be a bit more comfortable.
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... she finally sent me a picture of herself that isn't from her profile so I guess I got her to be a bit more comfortable.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm just playing. Congrats and good luck.
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... she finally sent me a picture of herself that isn't from her profile so I guess I got her to be a bit more comfortable.
Pics or it didn't happen.
lol it wasnt a naughty pic, but just her with her friends at the Mets game yesterday. I sent her a few pictures over the week, no selfies or anything weird. Just things to get her to feel comfortable with me and realize I'm just a normal dude, not some creepo. I finally got one back so i felt like that may have worked.
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... and realize I'm just a normal dude, not some creepo.
Yeah, but as with any relationship that starts online, you're going to have to come clean at some point.
HAHA, kidding. Good luck.
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... and realize I'm just a normal dude, not some creepo.
Yeah, but as with any relationship that starts online, you're going to have to come clean at some point.
HAHA, kidding. Good luck.
haha, like anyone else, I have my own set of problems. But being a creep is not one of them.
One of the things with girls I meet online, I always like to ask what it's like from their side of it. I hear all the stories about creepy guys and whatnot. I can imagine it is difficult for a female to weed out all of the creeps, especially since many don't come off as creeps upon initial contact. I usually try very hard to make it clear I am not like that without saying it and therefore coming off as creepy. Just to make the person comfortable, I have no idea how scarey it might be for a female to meet some guy online.
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... and realize I'm just a normal dude, not some creepo.
Yeah, but as with any relationship that starts online, you're going to have to come clean at some point.
HAHA, kidding. Good luck.
haha, like anyone else, I have my own set of problems. But being a creep is not one of them.
One of the things with girls I meet online, I always like to ask what it's like from their side of it. I hear all the stories about creepy guys and whatnot. I can imagine it is difficult for a female to weed out all of the creeps, especially since many don't come off as creeps upon initial contact. I usually try very hard to make it clear I am not like that without saying it and therefore coming off as creepy. Just to make the person comfortable, I have no idea how scarey it might be for a female to meet some guy online.
From my somewhat limited experience in talking with girls who are in the online scene, if one can just hold back the urges to send pictures of their c***, they're pretty much 75% of the way towards not being a creep. It astounds me how ready, willing and able some men are to send pictures of their jimmies to women they have never met, and still expect them to look them in the eye once they do meet.
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... and realize I'm just a normal dude, not some creepo.
Yeah, but as with any relationship that starts online, you're going to have to come clean at some point.
HAHA, kidding. Good luck.
haha, like anyone else, I have my own set of problems. But being a creep is not one of them.
One of the things with girls I meet online, I always like to ask what it's like from their side of it. I hear all the stories about creepy guys and whatnot. I can imagine it is difficult for a female to weed out all of the creeps, especially since many don't come off as creeps upon initial contact. I usually try very hard to make it clear I am not like that without saying it and therefore coming off as creepy. Just to make the person comfortable, I have no idea how scarey it might be for a female to meet some guy online.
From my somewhat limited experience in talking with girls who are in the online scene, if one can just hold back the urges to send pictures of their c***, they're pretty much 75% of the way towards not being a creep. It astounds me how ready, willing and able some men are to send pictures of their jimmies to women they have never met, and still expect them to look them in the eye once they do meet.
Well yes, do not send unrequested dick pics is definitely true :lol and Im with you, I don't know how you expect to actually meet someone after that, but I got to think it works for some only because why else do these guys do it if it never works? Im just assuming here, but men can be pigs.
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https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lantern/the-psychology-of-ghostin_b_7999858.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592 (https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lantern/the-psychology-of-ghostin_b_7999858.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592)
I did not realize there was a term for just cutting off communication with someone you are dating, Ghosting, but that's a good read about how that is bad for all involved. A lot of advice that people bring up here about doing the break up is also talked about in that article.
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... and realize I'm just a normal dude, not some creepo.
Yeah, but as with any relationship that starts online, you're going to have to come clean at some point.
HAHA, kidding. Good luck.
haha, like anyone else, I have my own set of problems. But being a creep is not one of them.
One of the things with girls I meet online, I always like to ask what it's like from their side of it. I hear all the stories about creepy guys and whatnot. I can imagine it is difficult for a female to weed out all of the creeps, especially since many don't come off as creeps upon initial contact. I usually try very hard to make it clear I am not like that without saying it and therefore coming off as creepy. Just to make the person comfortable, I have no idea how scarey it might be for a female to meet some guy online.
From my somewhat limited experience in talking with girls who are in the online scene, if one can just hold back the urges to send pictures of their c***, they're pretty much 75% of the way towards not being a creep. It astounds me how ready, willing and able some men are to send pictures of their jimmies to women they have never met, and still expect them to look them in the eye once they do meet.
Well yes, do not send unrequested dick pics is definitely true :lol and Im with you, I don't know how you expect to actually meet someone after that, but I got to think it works for some only because why else do these guys do it if it never works? Im just assuming here, but men can be pigs.
I hear you and get your logic, but that is sort of "Gene Simmons LogicTM", his theory being, you only need one to say "Yes". I live on a slightly more metaphysical plane, where the footprint you leave matters a little more than that. I would like to think that if an ex met my current partner they could at least say "Well, we didn't click because of this or that, but at the very least, he's a classy guy".
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Ha, put me in your boat. I still like to think if someone speaks of me, it is in a good or positive vibe vs. "oh thats the guy that showed me his dick" so I am always so against leaving a bad taste in someone's mouth even if its someone I never met before. You just never know who you run into in life or who is talking about you behind your back.
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Ha, put me in your boat. I still like to think if someone speaks of me, it is in a good or positive vibe vs. "oh thats the guy that showed me his dick" so I am always so against leaving a bad taste in someone's mouth even if its someone I never met before. You just never know who you run into in life or who is talking about you behind your back.
It's funny you say that, because that is another aspect of online dating that I don't think many people realize: maybe it's different in say, NYC or Chicago, but where I live (northern Connecticut), the pool is just not that big. I've had it happen twice that I met someone, then (either online or in real life) met someone else that knew them (if that makes sense).
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Ha, put me in your boat. I still like to think if someone speaks of me, it is in a good or positive vibe vs. "oh thats the guy that showed me his dick" so I am always so against leaving a bad taste in someone's mouth even if its someone I never met before. You just never know who you run into in life or who is talking about you behind your back.
It's funny you say that, because that is another aspect of online dating that I don't think many people realize: maybe it's different in say, NYC or Chicago, but where I live (northern Connecticut), the pool is just not that big. I've had it happen twice that I met someone, then (either online or in real life) met someone else that knew them (if that makes sense).
Yea, at the end of the day "its a small world" ends up being the case. You just never know who you run into or who knows who and whatnot.
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Funny you guys should be talking about online dating, because I was going to post something about it!
I decided to rejoin OkCupid after not being active on there for years. Good god, is that shit overwhelming. All I did was make a profile and I started getting messages like crazy. Some of them seem cool, but some are definitely creeps. I found one friend on there, and I also got a notification that an ex of mine looked at my profile. That weirded me out, because the photo is obviously me. So he purposely looked at my profile but didn't send any kind of "Oh hey" message (which I sent to the friend I found, to avoid any awkwardness of me looking at his profile). I think he's still kind of into me, so it creeps me out a bit. It also says we're a 95% match, eww!
I have had some good luck with internet people, and I've met some weirdos. We shall see! Definitely not looking for anything serious, but hoping to maybe reignite my non-existent sex drive.
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Where do you draw the line between cool and creepy? Is it simply whether or not a dick pic is attached, or are there other red flags? Do you get wierded out when you see the same people visiting your profile without messaging you?
I'm having to wrap my head around the idea of internet dating being a different experience for men and women. So many women's profiles mention not looking for a hookup, or sending DTF messages. It blows my mind. I guess somebody made the point that it must work sometimes because people keep doing it.
And it doesn't surprise me that most women get messages way more than most guys do. Does anyone think that might be one of the reasons for initial conversations abruptly ending with no further response from the female side? I've started a few conversations with some seemingly nice and interesting women, and then nothing. Is there something said that seems innocuous to me but is some sort of red flag?
-I had three awesome dates with someone and she turned into a "ghost".
-I got a message back from two different women on the same night. Score! I got sloppy on my tablet and accidentally called one by the others name. I can't afford to be that stupid. And then the other woman disappears from the conversation.
-I started messaging with someone a couple days ago. Shes a doctor and new to the area. The new to the area thing makes me think that she'll be getting a lot of messages like Jackie did. Is there anything I should or shouldn't do to help move this forward instead of it stalling out? It just seems like a fine line between good guy and creep.
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Where do you draw the line between cool and creepy? Is it simply whether or not a dick pic is attached, or are there other red flags? Do you get wierded out when you see the same people visiting your profile without messaging you?
I'm having to wrap my head around the idea of internet dating being a different experience for men and women. So many women's profiles mention not looking for a hookup, or sending DTF messages. It blows my mind. I guess somebody made the point that it must work sometimes because people keep doing it.
And it doesn't surprise me that most women get messages way more than most guys do. Does anyone think that might be one of the reasons for initial conversations abruptly ending with no further response from the female side? I've started a few conversations with some seemingly nice and interesting women, and then nothing. Is there something said that seems innocuous to me but is some sort of red flag?
-I had three awesome dates with someone and she turned into a "ghost".
-I got a message back from two different women on the same night. Score! I got sloppy on my tablet and accidentally called one by the others name. I can't afford to be that stupid. And then the other woman disappears from the conversation.
-I started messaging with someone a couple days ago. Shes a doctor and new to the area. The new to the area thing makes me think that she'll be getting a lot of messages like Jackie did. Is there anything I should or shouldn't do to help move this forward instead of it stalling out? It just seems like a fine line between good guy and creep.
Honestly, the only thing different about online dating and real life dating is the ease at which you can reach out. It's oh-so-easy to write a quick, quasi-anonymous message and hit "send" after a beer or two, but how many men say "I could NEVER walk across a bar and just start talking to a girl". So there's that. But what's the down side of walking across the room and talking to her? She's going to say "Sorry, bub. Not interested!". Isn't that the same as "ghosting"? It's just easier to not reply than to go into a long, and most likely bullshit excuse as to "it's me not you, etc. etc.". Plus, who knows? Maybe she got three messages at the same time as yours and just liked one other better?
You need to have a thick skin, you need to be honest with yourself, and you need to be yourself. At the end of the day, the internet anonymity is a fallacy, because if you are really looking for a relationship - and not a f*** - you're going to have to come clean at some point, and the longer it takes, the harder it is. Having said that, the anonymity (while it lasts) is a double-edged sword; you live by it, and you die by it.
My experience (almost solely with Match; searching females from age 30 to 55) was this: easily over half weren't being honest with themselves or with me. The profiles sounded great, and said all the right things, but more often than not were about as truthful as a Michael Moore documentary. There is no substitute for in-person meeting. I met this one girl, perfect on paper, and we met. And even though it was two years ago, we still chat occasionally, and I would love for her to be my buddy for life. But there is zero, and I mean zero, physical attraction on my side. Not that she is ugly; far from it, but there is just no chemistry. Yeah, in college after a night of drinking, but that's not me anymore, nor is it her. I met another girl, and fell totally head over heels for her. Thought "this is the one". Long conversations, deep conversations, talked about family, went on a great first date, got a little physical, went on a second date, then pfffft. Not exactly "ghosted" but pretty damn close. To this day not exactly sure what happened (and really don't care; not a huge "closure" guy) but I suspect that I was 95% what she was looking for (we lived far away and she had young kids, so that would have been a problem) and she found someone that was 96%. I can sleep at night with that.
As long as she is careful, Jackie will likely be successful; she's smart, she's cute, so she'll get inquiries, and she knows what she's looking for (or seems to), so she'll ultimately be able to find it. In the meantime, she'll meet some creeps and she'll meet some good dudes and hopefully be able to tell the difference between the two.
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I started messaging with someone a couple days ago. Shes a doctor and new to the area. The new to the area thing makes me think that she'll be getting a lot of messages like Jackie did. Is there anything I should or shouldn't do to help move this forward instead of it stalling out? It just seems like a fine line between good guy and creep.
Solidify a date ASAP. When I was online dating, I was 100% looking for a relationship. Having sex with the person was obviously part of the equation because that's how adult relationships work, but I never messaged anyone with the intent of only having sex. I followed a few basic rules to try and keep girls from thinking that's all I wanted.
1) Do not discuss prior relationships during the messaging phase. This could make the girl think you're either A) looking for a rebound B) already comparing her to other girls you've been with C) Someone who tends to get around.
2) Limit the discussion on her in her profile pics. Talk about things in the pictures, not her. For example, when I first started talking to my current girlfriend on Tinder two years ago, I mentioned that a big wooden chest she was leaning in one of her pics looked just like one I built not too long before that. That showed that I was observant, handy, and willing to just converse rather than steer the conversation in a relationship/sexual direction.
3) Do not compliment her looks in anyway. She knows you already find her attractive enough to talk to. Saying anything more can come off as you caring more about how she looks rather than what she has to offer. Also, if she doesn't like the fact you aren't complimenting her before you meet in real life, I'd throw up a big red flag.
4) Don't come right out and start confessing a million things. Be honest, but don't bring up some crazy thing in your past just trying to make conversation. You can come off as needy, crazy, irresponsible, stupid, immature, etc. Those traits can make a guy look very unattractive.
5) I would try and avoid questions. Obviously questions needed to be asked, but I wanted to have a conversation, not feel like one of us was conducting an interview.
I think I got off track with where I was trying to go with this.
Good luck!
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That's some very good advice above my post here ^
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Yeah, I think Chino nailed it. Maybe the "questions" part can be more nuanced (one can "ask questions" without actually "asking questions", and the former is excellent to show interest and that you care about her) but generally that is good advice.
One other thing I always say: "NO ONE WANTS TO DATE YOUR ISSUES." That's not to say a partner shouldn't be aware and accepting of your foibles, but there is time for that. If your strategy is to have the second email be "I HAVE HERPES, MOMMY ISSUES, AND I'M SCARED OF CLOWNS", well, that is one way of doing it, but you kind of have to give her reason to be accepting of those things. Ben Affleck can do that and probably be successful, you probably can't.
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Mostly just avoid sending these messages (well, the girl is pretty sassy but it never fails to get a very angry reaction from the other guy/girl, which confirms all the red flags) and you're good: https://okcreepsters.tumblr.com/
How would you introduce yourself if we had to write letters? Hey, I'm this and that guy, I saw we're a good match, I like women who do X like you seem to do, I'm interested in a casual/serious relationship, hit me up if you'd like to chat, if not just have a nice day. And go from there.
I met all of my love interests through Facebook/MySpace, and I think you can glean as much information from the internet as you would from a first date, minus the chemistry. Well, maybe that's just how I feel because I'm a major stalker and looking for very specific things in a guy, and I was able to find them :lol Dating sites make it easier because you're all there to date, just interested in different things, and you can tweak your whole profile to make it reflect what you want and attract the right sort of people. It's like a CV + cover letter for the right company :biggrin: Many people have made it work for them.
On a side note, what is it with dick pics? Are they supposed to be arousing? Because I don't even know where to start bashing those :lol if you have a fling and she stated she liked that, send them; if not, what are the odds that a pic of your genitals will make a random woman's day better? :lol
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On a side note, what is it with dick pics? Are they supposed to be arousing? Because I don't even know where to start bashing those :lol if you have a fling and she stated she liked that, send them; if not, what are the odds that a pic of your genitals will make a random woman's day better? :lol
Maybe the guy has a 12" dong and she happens to love the D, and she be all like
(https://www.dreamtheaterforums.org/forumavatars/avatar_7076_1364592449.jpeg)
No? Alright then. *walks away slowly*
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I've sent dick pics before. I've never sent them to a girl randomly hoping to turn her on though. There was a girl I used to hook up with at and outside of work that'd send me sexual images of herself or a video of her deepthroating something, and I'd send a pic back just as a way of saying "as you can see, I really appreciate what you're showing me right now".
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When I send a dick pic, it's a picture of Donald Trump.
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I've sent dick pics before. I've never sent them to a girl randomly hoping to turn her on though. There was a girl I used to hook up with at and outside of work that'd send me sexual images of herself or a video of her deepthroating something, and I'd send a pic back just as a way of saying "as you can see, I really appreciate what you're showing me right now".
HAHA! The "at and outside" made me laugh out loud. :)
But I think that's different; I'm an anything goes kind of guy in a relationship with someone, and if that turned her on, I'd be sending them as my signature. But I think we're talking more about the tactic that seems to be taken from the "Jersey Shore School of Dating and DTF-ing". I know of at least three women who have received them unsolicited (or at least claim to have received them unsolicited) and not one was the least bit thrilled by it.
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I had a good first time meeting with this girl last night. Went to a bar along the bay near my house and it was beautiful out so it made for nice scenery. We had 3 beers each and just chatted for a few hours. She has a sense of humor that I really like and our interests are really inline with each other. We had a few moments of that awkward silence though which I really believe was on my part, partly because I was a bit more nervous than usual since I thought there was a lot of potential with her. I had a hard time reading her and have had a hard time reading her through out our pre-meeting chats. At the end of the night when I walked her to her car I mentioned that Im having a hard time reading you, but I had fun tonight and hope you did too. Apparently she said she has the same problem with me, so I just flat out said that I like you and would like to do this again, which she agreed.
I should also add I think I scored a lot of brownie points with her too. She is a Mets fan and the bar had the game on last night, apparently that bar (which I had never actually gone to) closes at 11pm so as soon as it hit 11 they turned all the TVs off and the Mets game was bottom of the 9th, 2 outs, bases loaded, full count and the Mets up by 3 and the Orioles at bat. She was obviously pissed about someone turning the TV off at that point so I kind of fought the guy verbally to put it back on which after arguing about "closing" he finally agreed to put it on and the game ended 20 seconds later with a Mets win. I got a nice text later that night from her saying "thanks for fighting for me". And now today she is texting me way more than she had previously. :biggrin:
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So excited, scored a second date tomorrow and this is lining up to be really fun too. Going to take her out to dinner and then go to Yestercades, they seem to only be in NJ https://www.yestercades.com/ (https://www.yestercades.com/) but its essentially an arcade that also has consoles and you pay an hourly rate to go in, also in an area near bars so I assume people get toasty and go play some games. She likes video games which is not something I am used to in a woman so this is a new experience for me.
Also, wanted to share my feedback on this:
I followed a few basic rules to try and keep girls from thinking that's all I wanted.
1) Do not discuss prior relationships during the messaging phase. This could make the girl think you're either A) looking for a rebound B) already comparing her to other girls you've been with C) Someone who tends to get around.
2) Limit the discussion on her in her profile pics. Talk about things in the pictures, not her. For example, when I first started talking to my current girlfriend on Tinder two years ago, I mentioned that a big wooden chest she was leaning in one of her pics looked just like one I built not too long before that. That showed that I was observant, handy, and willing to just converse rather than steer the conversation in a relationship/sexual direction.
3) Do not compliment her looks in anyway. She knows you already find her attractive enough to talk to. Saying anything more can come off as you caring more about how she looks rather than what she has to offer. Also, if she doesn't like the fact you aren't complimenting her before you meet in real life, I'd throw up a big red flag.
4) Don't come right out and start confessing a million things. Be honest, but don't bring up some crazy thing in your past just trying to make conversation. You can come off as needy, crazy, irresponsible, stupid, immature, etc. Those traits can make a guy look very unattractive.
5) I would try and avoid questions. Obviously questions needed to be asked, but I wanted to have a conversation, not feel like one of us was conducting an interview.
I think I got off track with where I was trying to go with this.
Good luck!
1. Agreed, you don't want to be talking abut another woman when you are just starting to get to know a new one. I think it's important to talk about your past at some point, but that is not before or during the first date IMO.
2. I'm not sure about this. Obviosuly using her pictures as discussion points is a good way to spark conversation, but I don't know why you need to limit this.
3. I have found that complimenting looks does nothing but negative, at least in the beginning phase. Granted, I still find myself complimenting sometimes because of genuine interest. I told my date that she has beautiful eyes, she really does and I couldn't hold myself back from saying it, BUT I really don't like complimenting looks so early.
4. Agreed, keep your demons in your closet in the beginning unless something comes up and you need to let her know. I do think it is important to discuss your negatives at some point, but not too early. With regards to this and #1, I always find I want to tell the person I am seeing that I was once engaged and ended it. I feel like that is my biggest baggage I carry into a potential relationship, not because I have any feelings for my x, but because I feel like it shaped me into who I am today. I very much like getting this off my back and have not had a single person reject me for it, but I do hold off until after the first date.
5. Its impossible to avoid questions, you are trying to get to know someone. But I get your point, don't make it feel like an interview, try to ask or imply a question and use that to spark a conversation.
my 5 cents
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... that also has consoles and you pay an hourly rate to go in...
They used to have those in Times Square. Pretty scummy and I wouldn't bring a girl there until I knew her really well.
Oooops, I'm guessing that's not what you were referring to...
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... that also has consoles and you pay an hourly rate to go in...
They used to have those in Times Square. Pretty scummy and I wouldn't bring a girl there until I knew her really well.
Oooops, I'm guessing that's not what you were referring to...
lol I thought you were talking about Dave n Busters at first
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I heard back from this woman I messaged with a couple days ago. I login and get a message from her immediately, like she had typed it before I got on. I reply, but get no response, and she's still online. Same thing last time I messaged her, and her message tonight was a response to the last one that was meant as small talk to get a chat going. I want to get to asking her on a date. Should I just ask if she wants to do something sometime, or should I ask about something specific. She's a doctor that's into LOTR, Harry Potter ,Star Wars, Star Trek, and then comedy stuff too. There's a local theater playing Fletch this weekend and that would be cool. Good or bad idea for a first date?
Edit: I just went ahead and told her I'd like to get to know her some more, and the messaging isn't very fluid, and face to face is way more enjoyable. I'm not entirely sure what she'd be up for, so I threw out the movie idea, a baseball game, or just casual dinner to talk about Star Wars and what not. It's just hard to gauge whether she's interested in any way, or just replying to a message. It is a dating site though. Fingers crossed...
Edit2: Way to go cram. Good luck!
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I don't do anything on first dates besides grab a drink whether that be at a coffee shop or bar, depending on what the female is more comfortable with. First dates from online are more of a formal meeting and face to face chat to get a better feel for each other, after that if things go well then I'd venture into something different or maybe not.
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I don't do anything on first dates besides grab a drink whether that be at a coffee shop or bar, depending on what the female is more comfortable with. First dates from online are more of a formal meeting and face to face chat to get a better feel for each other, after that if things go well then I'd venture into something different or maybe not.
This. Let's be realistic here: I know we're all Brad Pitt good looking with Mark Cuban money, and the suave personality of Leo DiCaprio, but you have to give both parties a chance to address the one thing you can't fake: physical chemistry. If you are stuck at a ball game or movie, and it isn't working, you need an out. Having a nice drink and seeing where it goes is the perfect solution.
(On my first date with my now-wife, we went to a local restaurant to have a drink, sat down, and the waitress brought water; we literally sat there for almost four hours and never ordered a single thing. NOT EVEN THE DRINK! It was just nice to talk. As we were leaving, the owner came running out and asked "what was wrong?" Not being a complete idiot, I turned to him and said, "this was our first date, and I just got wrapped up talking to this wonderful girl and lost track of time". We've been basically together ever since.)
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Not being a complete idiot, I turned to him and said, "this was our first date, and I just got wrapped up talking to this wonderful girl and lost track of time". We've been basically together ever since.
Well, no wonder :heart :metal
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Awww, that's adorable.
sylvan, as for what constitutes a creep, I'm talking about the guys whose first message is "If we hang out I'll give your orgasms all night."
Those don't get a response. And honestly, neither do the very brief "Hey I like your profile, let's chat" ones. Because for all I know that means he said "Oh hey, she looks cute" and sent a half-assed message. Because I'm getting so much communication, I'm really just replying to people who sent me a thoughtful message. Even if I'm not attracted to the guy from his picture or whatever, I still appreciate the effort and he may still be cool peoples.
I am seeing now that lots of people want to meet up, and I don't have a lot of free time. One guy asked to Skype, but I'm not into that. I gave my number to two guys but nothing scheduled yet. One I think I will definitely end up hanging with.
As for "ghosting," I mostly agree with what Stadler said. I really don't want to send an "it's not you it's me" message so I have done that with online people. In person I wouldn't do that, like drop off the face of the earth if we've gone out on several dates. That's lame.
On a side note, what is it with dick pics? Are they supposed to be arousing? Because I don't even know where to start bashing those :lol if you have a fling and she stated she liked that, send them; if not, what are the odds that a pic of your genitals will make a random woman's day better? :lol
For real :lol
Even if we're having regular sex, I do not want to see a picture of your penis. I know what it looks like.
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So I'm like 25 pages into okcreepster. Fucking eye opening :o. I can't help but laugh at a lot of what is there. It appears as though some of these women have experienced it so much that they have to laugh at some of it too. But I'm mostly disappointed. It's become very evident that this experience is different for men and for women. I might be waiting for a reply from one of the few people I've sent thoughtful messages to. Only I didn't know that they might not get to it because they sign on and find 100+ messages, mostly consisting of Hey!, Casual sex?, or some sequence of words describing what sexual act they want to perform, like pickle sliding.
Not continuing on with a virtual conversation with someone you've never met shouldn't be considered ghosting. But yeah, if you've met in person, unless the other individual is just that bad, it's basic human courtesy to include some words, even if it's as simple as "No Thank You" to further interaction. That doesn't mean that women owe that, or men for that matter (goes both ways, I know), but that they could be considered a poor excuse for a human being if they choose to act that way. Regardless of what was meant by the words (text) that were said to me, specific words were used. Then, ghost. And you all were right. There's no need for me to be hung up on someone like that. Ghosting leaves one person searching for answers, wondering why. The ONLY realization to be had, and the sooner the better, is that the ghost is no longer a worthwhile thought.
I can say first hand that I'm slightly apprehensive being as open as we were, with another person. It's a wierd feeling. With the little experience I have with dating, and as comfortable as I have been in general with opening up about myself (not too open, like volunteering too much info), its odd to feel apprehension about it.
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Being open should be a face to face, intimate thing. Saying those things on the Internet never come off right when meeting someone new. From what I've seen so much lately is that people who know me very well can take what I say on the Internet a totally different way than what I meant.
That's why if you want to open up to a person, do it face to face. It becomes more genuine.
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Well, I agreed to hang out with the guy I said I would end up meeting, beer garden on Tuesday. We shall see. He seems to be pretty busy and involved with a lot of people (he told me the other day that he had several dates) so that takes some of the pressure off. I do not have the time or energy to be somebody's one-and-only right now, and I don't really want that anyway.
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Well, I agreed to hang out with the guy I said I would end up meeting, beer garden on Tuesday. We shall see. He seems to be pretty busy and involved with a lot of people (he told me the other day that he had several dates) so that takes some of the pressure off. I do not have the time or energy to be somebody's one-and-only right now, and I don't really want that anyway.
Interesting way to see it. I don't think I would tell a girl that I have multiple dates even if I did. I also do not think I would want to know if the girl I am dating is doing that. I just don't ask or talk about it since it's none of my business in the early stage, or essentially until you become serious.
My date on Friday went well, had a nice dinner and beers followed by arcade gaming. She came over afterwards to chill for a bit as well. Going to see her tomorrow night and then I travel again for work next week so hopefully she doesn't lose interest, but that's only a 1 week trip so I think I will be ok, only my 2 week trips seem to be when I lose the girl.
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Sounds promising!
As for my situation, this guy is openly polyamorous so I wouldn't expect any different. He didn't just say it out of the blue, but I had asked him if he had anything fun planned for the week or whatever.
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What are your (the group) thoughts on polyamorism?
On one hand, it can be said to be the honest acknowledgement of one's predilections, and as long as one is honest with their partner (and their partner is accepting), then c'est la vie.
On the other hand, it sounds a lot like "Lookin' for my cake, and lookin' to eat it too!", taking the easy way out. No commitment, no personal sacrifice, no discipline...
I think for me, philosophically, I lean to the first one, strongly, but perhaps as I get older, I have more instances of people and their human nature being... disappointing, shall we say, and so realistically I feel that the second is more likely the reality.
Thoughts?
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I don't have a problem with it. People are wired to want and enjoy sex, and I can totally understand why after twenty years with the same person it could get a little stale. Plenty of marriages probably fail due to problems with intimacy later in life. I know a couple that does this, kind of. They have sex with people other than their partner, but the partner always has to be present. Sometimes they'll have a night with another couple (or four), or FFM/MMF threesome as long as the other one approves. Protection is always used and both people in the relationship are okay with it. Actually, they are more than okay with it, they want it. They've been together more than four years and are one of the happiest couples I know.
We all have different sexual tastes (I'm going to say this from a guy's perspective). Some men like skinny toned girls and others like bbws. Some guys are turned on by lesbian porn, some aren't. For reasons I don't fully understand, some guys are obsessed with feet. Some guys like looking at a girl tied up with chains while others find a girl laying on a feather bed way sexier. So if a guy is turned on by watching his g/f get nailed while she performs something on him in the meantime, I can't really knock that. We all have our quirks as fetishes, and none are any crazier than the others as long as both people involved are fully on board with it and not hurting anyone else.
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Yeah, obviously people can do whatever they want as long as they're happy. And I can understand and appreciate poly for what it is. However, it's really no something for me, I am way to invested and commited to the person I'm currently in a relationsship with, I could never be with someone else at the same time. :)
Obviously, one night stands are a completely different story.
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I'm perhaps over-thinking this (ha, never did that before!) but the way Chino writes it, I have 100% agreement. Totally on board with "whatever works in your relationship".
I just feel there are no absolutes, and perhaps it's because I have a 16-year-old stepdaughter and a 14-year-old daughter, but I think at the stage of being married for years and exploring sexuality together its different than perhaps just wanting to bang babes at leisure without facing the consequences. I don't know; I'm throwing the idea out there, not saying I'm right or that this is my final answer. I'm not polyamorous myself, so it's a new-ish concept (though I know a couple like Chino's friend as well, and they probably have what looks to be the best marriage of any of my close friends).
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I think for me, philosophically, I lean to the first one, strongly, but perhaps as I get older, I have more instances of people and their human nature being... disappointing, shall we say, and so realistically I feel that the second is more likely the reality.
I agree with this. Things tend to get complicated if two people have even a slightly differing view of their relationship, throw in more people into the mix and it just gets confusing. If people can handle that for 40+ years of their lives and never get heartbroken or disappointed, props to them. They have all the people skills I'll never have.
I have a polyamorous friend, and she says it's a matter of getting love where you find it and not worrying about stale conventions. Which sounds great. But she finds dating fun. I don't see dating as "oh I'm gonna meet super fun people and have fun times and get laid so many times", more like "if I'm lucky I'm gonna find someone who's actively not horrible and who's going to be respectful and fun and cool for a really long time". I don't like people enough in general to date more than one per three years :lol
I think more people are like me than my friend - it's great when you're able to drop out of the dating game and find someone you can watch cartoons with naked and eat chips and have a super great connection with. I can't have that with someone casual I don't know so well.
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I think for me, philosophically, I lean to the first one, strongly, but perhaps as I get older, I have more instances of people and their human nature being... disappointing, shall we say, and so realistically I feel that the second is more likely the reality.
I agree with this. Things tend to get complicated if two people have even a slightly differing view of their relationship, throw in more people into the mix and it just gets confusing. If people can handle that for 40+ years of their lives and never get heartbroken or disappointed, props to them. They have all the people skills I'll never have.
I have a polyamorous friend, and she says it's a matter of getting love where you find it and not worrying about stale conventions. Which sounds great. But she finds dating fun. I don't see dating as "oh I'm gonna meet super fun people and have fun times and get laid so many times", more like "if I'm lucky I'm gonna find someone who's actively not horrible and who's going to be respectful and fun and cool for a really long time". I don't like people enough in general to date more than one per three years :lol
I think more people are like me than my friend - it's great when you're able to drop out of the dating game and find someone you can watch cartoons with naked and eat chips and have a super great connection with. I can't have that with someone casual I don't know so well.
I'm with you on that; I think you have to be a really trusting soul (which I'm not) to be that way. I will literally (well, almost literally) try anything with someone I know and trust, but while there is excitement with a new experience (meaning, a new person) there is stress as well, and I know for me, I'm not usually breaking out the jumper cables or the rope swing first time out the chute.
EDIT: Sorry for the over-share. ;)
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On one hand, it can be said to be the honest acknowledgement of one's predilections, and as long as one is honest with their partner (and their partner is accepting), then c'est la vie.
On the other hand, it sounds a lot like "Lookin' for my cake, and lookin' to eat it too!", taking the easy way out. No commitment, no personal sacrifice, no discipline...
I mean this respectfully, but I think you don't understand at all what polyamory is. I'm on lunch break at the moment and not able to fully explain it, but I would suggest doing some research (try this page: https://www.lovemore.com/home/what-is-polyamory/). All of those things you mentioned are required for successful poly relationships. It is extremely difficult to maintain multiple relationships. It takes lots of discipline and respect for all involved. Communication is a huge part of it, being very open and honest with everybody involved, and LOTS of commitment. Commitment doesn't have to mean "I spend all of my time with one person." You can be committed to multiple people, and it's very difficult to juggle all of that. It is not at all easy.
I don't have a problem with it. People are wired to want and enjoy sex, and I can totally understand why after twenty years with the same person it could get a little stale. Plenty of marriages probably fail due to problems with intimacy later in life. I know a couple that does this, kind of. They have sex with people other than their partner, but the partner always has to be present. Sometimes they'll have a night with another couple (or four), or FFM/MMF threesome as long as the other one approves. Protection is always used and both people in the relationship are okay with it. Actually, they are more than okay with it, they want it. They've been together more than four years and are one of the happiest couples I know.
This is also not polyamory, it's swinging. Different thing altogether (and many of the poly people I know do NOT like being mistaken for swingers :lol). Poly is not just about sex.
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On one hand, it can be said to be the honest acknowledgement of one's predilections, and as long as one is honest with their partner (and their partner is accepting), then c'est la vie.
On the other hand, it sounds a lot like "Lookin' for my cake, and lookin' to eat it too!", taking the easy way out. No commitment, no personal sacrifice, no discipline...
I mean this respectfully, but I think you don't understand at all what polyamory is. I'm on lunch break at the moment and not able to fully explain it, but I would suggest doing some research (try this page: https://www.lovemore.com/home/what-is-polyamory/). All of those things you mentioned are required for successful poly relationships. It is extremely difficult to maintain multiple relationships. It takes lots of discipline and respect for all involved. Communication is a huge part of it, being very open and honest with everybody involved, and LOTS of commitment. Commitment doesn't have to mean "I spend all of my time with one person." You can be committed to multiple people, and it's very difficult to juggle all of that. It is not at all easy.
I take it with nothing but respect. I don't profess to be an expert, but I know enough to be dangerous. I know it isn't just being "a swinger", and I understand that polyamorous relationships don't necessarily have to involve sex at all (or marriage). Where I was going is not in the definition of polyamory, but in the use of the term. I'm not saying that those that observe "polyamory" in it's true state are making an excuse, but that people might use that term wrongly to avoid things like commitment and discipline. Put a different way, I don't think "dating four people at once, and banging all of them, but I told them up front and they're okay with it!" necessarily qualifies as "polyamory". It takes full acknowledgement and understanding on both sides. Does this make sense?
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Yes, that makes total sense! Thanks for clarifying :). There are definitely those people out there, but fuck 'em.
Soo my date went well. We sat there at the beer garden talking for about 2.5 hours and he was really cool and cute. We seem to have a lot in common personality-wise. I went into nervous logorrhea mode and he didn't seem to mind- he is a counselor :lol
There were two things that kind of threw me off. One, we kissed goodbye but he went right in for an open-mouthed kiss without easing into it. I thought that was weird- you don't just go in with tongue extended! Not a big deal, but it just weirded me out a bit.
Second, most of you know I'm not the type who expects chivalry from a dude or anything like that, but when it comes to manners I sort of have the same expectations for everyone. And I was a bit surprised that he did not offer to drive me home, knowing that it was kind of late, I had walked to the bar and that I lived just down the street. I would've done that for anybody, date or not. My friend said maybe he was embarrassed of his car, which is a possibility if it was a mess or something (like mine).
Anyway, I texted later thanking him for a nice time and never heard back, but he also said he had to get up super early. *shrug*
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Second, most of you know I'm not the type who expects chivalry from a dude or anything like that, but when it comes to manners I sort of have the same expectations for everyone. And I was a bit surprised that he did not offer to drive me home, knowing that it was kind of late, I had walked to the bar and that I lived just down the street. I would've done that for anybody, date or not. My friend said maybe he was embarrassed of his car, which is a possibility if it was a mess or something (like mine).
He may have also been worried that had he offered you a ride to your house, you would have interpreted that as him trying to coerce you into sleeping with him. I've been worried about that on first dates in the past.
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There could be reasons to not offer a ride, but I personally find it odd. If he went for the tongue on a first date but didnt offer a ride home, seems weird to me. Maybe his car is embarrassing like you said.
Anyway, I texted later thanking him for a nice time and never heard back, but he also said he had to get up super early. *shrug*
That's upsetting. Hopefully he responded to you by now as he should be up, but I know I'd be upset if I felt like the date went well and then you send the "hey had a great time tonight" message and didn't get a response.
I kind of had something come up last night on my 3rd date with this girl. Things went well, went out for sushi, came back to my place and watched TV together. Our convos have gotten better and its clear to me that we are both opening up our personalities a bit more and therefore we are joking together a lot more and just being ourselves, kind of letting your guard down a bit I guess. So we were making out pretty good and it was getting late and she said "I need to stop before I start riding you" which i took as a compliment. But I am not a pushy person or anything, she doesn't want to ride me then she can when she is more comfortable lol but that's not what my issue is. There were I will say 3 things that threw me off. First she showed something on her phone to me that we were talking about and thats fine and all but she clearly had an OKcupid message, I know what the icon looks like on the top bar of an android. I saw her clear her other messages, but didnt clear that one and then showed me her phone where I can clearly see there was a message. I get it, we just met and arent in a relationship, but to so blatantly show that and I don't know if it was on purpose or just stupidity, but I noticed. Second issue is I walked her to her car when she was leaving and we had another long good bye kissing and she stopped and said "this is bad" and I asked what was bad and she kind of just shrugged it off. I told her I wanted to see her again and preferably before I leave for Europe on Sunday (earlier in the evening we both mentioned we don't have plans for the weekend) and she said she would let me know, not giving me an actual answer. I didn't expect to settle the date at that moment, but knowing she doesn't have plans I would have liked her to agree with me at least. I have a few ideas for why she acted like this, but I am really having a hard time reading her. I told her that before as well which she kind of just shrugged off.
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There could be reasons to not offer a ride, but I personally find it odd. If he went for the tongue on a first date but didnt offer a ride home, seems weird to me. Maybe his car is embarrassing like you said.
Anyway, I texted later thanking him for a nice time and never heard back, but he also said he had to get up super early. *shrug*
That's upsetting. Hopefully he responded to you by now as he should be up, but I know I'd be upset if I felt like the date went well and then you send the "hey had a great time tonight" message and didn't get a response.
I kind of had something come up last night on my 3rd date with this girl. Things went well, went out for sushi, came back to my place and watched TV together. Our convos have gotten better and its clear to me that we are both opening up our personalities a bit more and therefore we are joking together a lot more and just being ourselves, kind of letting your guard down a bit I guess. So we were making out pretty good and it was getting late and she said "I need to stop before I start riding you" which i took as a compliment. But I am not a pushy person or anything, she doesn't want to ride me then she can when she is more comfortable lol but that's not what my issue is. There were I will say 3 things that threw me off. First she showed something on her phone to me that we were talking about and thats fine and all but she clearly had an OKcupid message, I know what the icon looks like on the top bar of an android. I saw her clear her other messages, but didnt clear that one and then showed me her phone where I can clearly see there was a message. I get it, we just met and arent in a relationship, but to so blatantly show that and I don't know if it was on purpose or just stupidity, but I noticed. Second issue is I walked her to her car when she was leaving and we had another long good bye kissing and she stopped and said "this is bad" and I asked what was bad and she kind of just shrugged it off. I told her I wanted to see her again and preferably before I leave for Europe on Sunday (earlier in the evening we both mentioned we don't have plans for the weekend) and she said she would let me know, not giving me an actual answer. I didn't expect to settle the date at that moment, but knowing she doesn't have plans I would have liked her to agree with me at least. I have a few ideas for why she acted like this, but I am really having a hard time reading her. I told her that before as well which she kind of just shrugged off.
Just a thought from someone who was on the Finnish Over-Thinking Olympic team that took silver in the '92 Games, but perhaps you might be giving this a little too much thought? I don't see one red flag in that entire paragraph, including the OKCupid thing (though I was never on that, so I don't really know what that is). There are 1000 reasons for all of those, and only 500 or less are "not good for you". Perhaps let it breathe a little?
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There were two things that kind of threw me off. One, we kissed goodbye but he went right in for an open-mouthed kiss without easing into it. I thought that was weird- you don't just go in with tongue extended! Not a big deal, but it just weirded me out a bit.
BIG turn-off for me, for what it's worth (exactly, NOTHING).
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There could be reasons to not offer a ride, but I personally find it odd. If he went for the tongue on a first date but didnt offer a ride home, seems weird to me. Maybe his car is embarrassing like you said.
Anyway, I texted later thanking him for a nice time and never heard back, but he also said he had to get up super early. *shrug*
That's upsetting. Hopefully he responded to you by now as he should be up, but I know I'd be upset if I felt like the date went well and then you send the "hey had a great time tonight" message and didn't get a response.
I kind of had something come up last night on my 3rd date with this girl. Things went well, went out for sushi, came back to my place and watched TV together. Our convos have gotten better and its clear to me that we are both opening up our personalities a bit more and therefore we are joking together a lot more and just being ourselves, kind of letting your guard down a bit I guess. So we were making out pretty good and it was getting late and she said "I need to stop before I start riding you" which i took as a compliment. But I am not a pushy person or anything, she doesn't want to ride me then she can when she is more comfortable lol but that's not what my issue is. There were I will say 3 things that threw me off. First she showed something on her phone to me that we were talking about and thats fine and all but she clearly had an OKcupid message, I know what the icon looks like on the top bar of an android. I saw her clear her other messages, but didnt clear that one and then showed me her phone where I can clearly see there was a message. I get it, we just met and arent in a relationship, but to so blatantly show that and I don't know if it was on purpose or just stupidity, but I noticed. Second issue is I walked her to her car when she was leaving and we had another long good bye kissing and she stopped and said "this is bad" and I asked what was bad and she kind of just shrugged it off. I told her I wanted to see her again and preferably before I leave for Europe on Sunday (earlier in the evening we both mentioned we don't have plans for the weekend) and she said she would let me know, not giving me an actual answer. I didn't expect to settle the date at that moment, but knowing she doesn't have plans I would have liked her to agree with me at least. I have a few ideas for why she acted like this, but I am really having a hard time reading her. I told her that before as well which she kind of just shrugged off.
Just a thought from someone who was on the Finnish Over-Thinking Olympic team that took silver in the '92 Games, but perhaps you might be giving this a little too much thought? I don't see one red flag in that entire paragraph, including the OKCupid thing (though I was never on that, so I don't really know what that is). There are 1000 reasons for all of those, and only 500 or less are "not good for you". Perhaps let it breathe a little?
Definitely over thinking it, but like I said, I can't read this girl at all and hence my over thinking. Usually I am pretty good at reading the body language, the little hints, or the girl flat out tells me what's on her mind. I have none of that other than the "this is bad" comment that I can't figure out.
There were two things that kind of threw me off. One, we kissed goodbye but he went right in for an open-mouthed kiss without easing into it. I thought that was weird- you don't just go in with tongue extended! Not a big deal, but it just weirded me out a bit.
BIG turn-off for me, for what it's worth (exactly, NOTHING).
With regards to this, what's everyone's opinions on kissing on first dates? I normally don't, especially if I really like the girl. And even if I do, I agree, you work your way into the tongue, just don't throw it out there immediately.
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Definitely over thinking it, but like I said, I can't read this girl at all and hence my over thinking. Usually I am pretty good at reading the body language, the little hints, or the girl flat out tells me what's on her mind. I have none of that other than the "this is bad" comment that I can't figure out.
What was the context of her "riding you" comment? Was it at all sexy, or was it more that ironic hipster "let's confront the elephant in the room so that it seems as if the elephant isn't there anymore" thing that the kids do these days? Because to me, if a girl gives that vibe of "I'm not a slut, but I'm ready willing and able to approximate one for my beloved", that's a good sign all around. If she was just making an awkward joke, then I can't help you. :)
With regards to this, what's everyone's opinions on kissing on first dates? I normally don't, especially if I really like the girl. And even if I do, I agree, you work your way into the tongue, just don't throw it out there immediately.
Kissing is like the intro to Shine On You Crazy Diamond; it goes on for what seems like forever, but every last note is essential and crucial. You can't rush a great kiss. I play the "kiss" by ear; I've had shitty dates that ended in a kiss, and I've had awesome dates that ended with a hand squeeze (and all points in between). But even in a long term relationship, you don't pull out the tongue right away. It's like starting a meal with the steak. It's like starting a song with the guitar solo. It's like starting a fireworks exhibition with the grand finale... you get the picture. The tongue is supposed to take a good kiss to the next level. Push your partner over the edge, so to speak.
Kissing is as non-negotiable to me as any trait can be. I have absolutely moved on from pretty, smart women because they were horrible kissers. Shallow? Perhaps, but it is important and I enjoy what the kids used to call "making out" as much as anything else in the physical arena.
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I just came out and brought up my concerns regarding the "this is bad" comment and not giving any answer to hanging out again this afternoon. Im glad I did that. She said she didnt remember the this is bad comment but if she did say it (which I know she did, she has an admittingly bad memory) it was in a good way as in our kissing was so good that it was bad, if that makes sense. She also then made plans for Friday night with me and then was happy I brought it up to clear the air. So all is good, clearly I was just over thinking things this morning/afternoon, but I feel so much better getting it off my chest.
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Yay, that's good news! My initial thought on that comment when I read your post was her meaning that it was bad she was so into kissing you, but in a good way. If that makes sense.
As for the OK Cupid message thing, it sounds like it was not intentional. She's probably talking to other dudes on there and obviously it's not serious between you two, so not an issue right now IMO.
He may have also been worried that had he offered you a ride to your house, you would have interpreted that as him trying to coerce you into sleeping with him. I've been worried about that on first dates in the past.
That's a good point, too.
That's upsetting. Hopefully he responded to you by now as he should be up, but I know I'd be upset if I felt like the date went well and then you send the "hey had a great time tonight" message and didn't get a response.
He ended up responding RIGHT after I wrote this post :lol.. he also thanked me for a lovely night and whatnot. I invited him to a party I'm having Friday. He has plans but says we should hang again soon, so yay.
And yeah I know, you'd think after going in with the tongue he wouldn't be shy about the ride :lol
There were two things that kind of threw me off. One, we kissed goodbye but he went right in for an open-mouthed kiss without easing into it. I thought that was weird- you don't just go in with tongue extended! Not a big deal, but it just weirded me out a bit.
BIG turn-off for me, for what it's worth (exactly, NOTHING).
Haha, but good to know I'm not alone in finding it weird.
With regards to this, what's everyone's opinions on kissing on first dates? I normally don't, especially if I really like the girl. And even if I do, I agree, you work your way into the tongue, just don't throw it out there immediately.
I'm a fan of kissing on the first date. generally. It doesn't have to happen but to me it's sort of a "sealing the deal" and confirmation that the date went well. I second-guess myself a lot and wonder if I'm misreading somebody's signals, so if he goes in for the kiss I know that I was right and I am happy ;D
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How's everyone doing in Lonely Hearts Land?
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Good stuff Bout to Crash... which brings me to another question. You offered to bring the guy to a party where I assume you have lots of friends. How early do you introduce a new guy/gal to your friends? I dated something like 10 girls this past year and never introduced any to my friends. Reason, not a single one of those girls became serious and none lasted more than a month or so. I also only met one friend of those 10 girls so it's not like they were introducing me to friends either.
I personally am not really interested in meeting my dates friends until I am comfortable with my date, essentially I want to get to know them before I get to know their friends. But I also get social anxiety when I am surrounded by people I do not know.
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Well, it kind of depends. Normally I wouldn't do this with somebody I had only gone out with once, but since I happened to be hosting a shindig I figured I'd at least extend the invite (knowing also that he most likely already had plans since it was two days away and he obviously is involved with multiple women). I figured a gathering like this particular one would be cool and low pressure because there will only be a few people there (10ish?) and we'll be watching movies. So he wouldn't be in the hot seat or anything having to talk to my friends all night :lol
In the past... well, several of my boyfriends I met through mutual friends, so it wasn't an issue. The last guy I seriously dated, he met a couple of my friends within the first couple weeks of our getting together because we all went to see Nymphomaniac... which of course brought us closer together :P
I have been introduced to a guy's friends fairly early on, and was fine with it. I like meeting new people and I also learn more about the person I'm dating by meeting the people they hang out with. Going to a party with tons of people is pretty overwhelming when it's all new, but a few is fine.
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Yea, everyone is different and you come off as a very outgoing person so I would imagine being around new people is much easier for you than it is for me so I kind of stay away from meeting friends until I am fully comfortable and know the girl well enough to be able to extend our relationship through our friends.
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That makes total sense.
Omg you guys, let me share with you my weird little drama story.
A week ago, my friend had a birthday party that got a little crazy, like they usually do. Long story short, I ended up hooking up with my friend's ex-husband (they're still very close and he appears to be staying with her). He's a super cool dude but I've never really been into him and it just sort of happened. It was awkward but fun. So we messaged on FB a bit over the next few days but not very much- he was coming on a bit strong so I sorta backed off a little. I did invite him to a little shindig I'm having tonight, and he enthusiastically accepted. Then on Wednesday he sent me a random FB message just saying "*smooch* ;)"
I was in the middle of a work day and also felt a bit awkward so I never replied. A few hours later he had changed his RSVP on my event page from a yes to a maybe. Yesterday I checked the page to see who was coming, and he was off the list altogether. Since he didn't give any explanation and I knew he didn't have plans, I assumed it was because I didn't return his message. I'm not going to play that "Awww please come to my party" game, so I didn't say anything. Well, at about 1:30 this morning he messaged me saying "So I'm uninvited? Goodbye".. and he blocked me on FB.
What in the actual fuck?? Normally I'd be worried about somebody disliking me for no reason because I'm such a "nice" person that is afraid of upsetting others, but I'm more just disturbed by this kind of behavior, especially coming from a guy in his forties. We both know I didn't uninvite him, so he either forgot he removed himself from the event or he's playing a big headgame, trying to get me to apologize or something. I didn't apologize, but I did send him an email telling him I had no idea what he was talking about. Mostly I don't want to make things awkward with my friend, because he's there almost every time I hang with her. Seriously though, what a psycho :|
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40 year olds playing games seems very uninteresting to me and then add in the whole your friends x husband and that just seems like a weird situation
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Does your friend know that you two "hooked-up"? If so, she's cool with it even though they're still close enough for them to be staying together? I find that part of this to be the most interesting. And I mean nothing by this, I just find it curious and maybe not what I'd expect.
I've read multiple times, just recently mind you, that you've said you found something to be awkward, or wierd, or made you uncomfortable. And you seem to extend yourself past where most females will, in that you don't shy away from the situation and make some effort to not let it be a trivial issue. Just like your email to this guy. He's acting like a child, and you're still giving him a chance to not be a douche. If he doesn't take advantage of moving past his stupid/weak/childish moment, then maybe he is psycho. Immature at the least. We all do and say dumb things sometimes. Good on you for seeing past that. But, ya know... crazy people gonna be cray cray!
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:lol, true that.
My friend and this guy are long divorced and both polyamorous, so it's not weird at all. I'm not sure if she knows all the details of what happened but she does know we hooked up and did not seem bothered by it. Fairly normal at these types of parties with this group of friends. I'm more concerned that he will tell her I did some shit I didn't and she will get pissed.. but she's not the immature type who's just going to stop being my friend or something because of him. I was thinking about reaching out to her to try and prevent further drama, but don't want to make her uncomfortable.
And yeah, I am pretty forgiving when it comes to this shit. Maybe too much!
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"If we hang out I'll give your orgasms all night."
Sorry, I just had to give this one a little attention, because this literally got me laughing :rollin
Do people seriously do this? :lol
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Yes, every girl I've met online has told me they get countless messages like that. :facepalm:
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Yep :|
So I think I may send my friend a message about this dude. I don't want to put her in a shitty position so I plan to preface it by saying that and telling her it's totally okay to plead the fifth if she wants to. I just don't know how to proceed if the guy refuses to talk and blocks me. I honestly am not too concerned about having much of a relationship with him since it's clear he's a fucking man-child, but I don't want things to get fucked up with me and her since they are super close, and he and I will still be at a lot of the same social events together. Blegh.
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We're all man child's when we can. :lol
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Fuck it, I'm here forever. I'm not even going to try anymore, it's not worth my time or effort. Bitches be cray cray.
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Fuck it, I'm here forever. I'm not even going to try anymore, it's not worth my time or effort. Bitches be cray cray.
Sorry to hear that, but don't give up hope. Someone out there is worth your time and effort and that will be appreciated. Regardless bitches be cray cray :biggrin:
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Bitches be cray cray.
bitches be cray cray :biggrin:
Agreed. But....
"If we hang out I'll give your orgasms all night."
Yes, every girl I've met online has told me they get countless messages like that. :facepalm:
:facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm:
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There were two things that kind of threw me off. One, we kissed goodbye but he went right in for an open-mouthed kiss without easing into it. I thought that was weird- you don't just go in with tongue extended! Not a big deal, but it just weirded me out a bit.
BIG turn-off for me, for what it's worth (exactly, NOTHING).
With regards to this, what's everyone's opinions on kissing on first dates? I normally don't, especially if I really like the girl. And even if I do, I agree, you work your way into the tongue, just don't throw it out there immediately.
Pretty normal for there to be a kiss of some kind at the end, assuming things went well.
As for the tongue thing, yeah, I agree with you guys. I briefly dated a girl a while back, who had great full lips, but her kissing consisted of all tongue. I was like, what a waste of a great pair of lips. :lol :lol
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Aww, that's the worst. I'm sort of a "less is more" person when it comes to tongue, but of course your kissing style is different with everybody.
Guys, I heard back from the dude who flipped out and thought I uninvited him to my party. Apparently it was a Facebook-related misunderstanding (like, I don't think he realized he removed himself from the event, then got insulted thinking I did). We're okay now, but of course I'm still a bit turned off due to the fact that he actually deactivated his account over the whole thing (turns out I wasn't blocked) rather than just fucking talking to me about it sooner. He asked me basically what I wanted and I told him nothing serious and I didn't have a lot of time to invest. He thought I was sending a "fuck off" message by not replying much to him, but I told him that I was busy and that it's more of a "back off a little." He was cool with that. I have no idea when I'll see him next because he lives an hour away, but obviously not in a hurry to do so.
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It's not happening. I'm not just on a different wavelength than most women, I'm also phase shifted. At least the feelings tend to be mutual non-interest. I'm not interested in single mothers, the emotionally damaged, the uneducated, and the largely defective dating pool that remains at my age; and women don't seem to be interested in me because I'm extremely intelligent, overweight, don't drive a truck or other penis compensating vehicle, I'm not edgy enough because I don't have any tats, and live a life free of drugs and police raids - you know, boring.
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:-\ :heart
There's a boring, intelligent woman out there somewhere for you! But hey, we're all a bit emotionally damaged.
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I was more or less lamenting that in at least 1/3 of the profiles I come across, they explicitly state they want a guy who has a job, a car, doesn't live with parents, and doesn't do drugs...the opposite of the "bad boy" that all of them seemingly secretly want.
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My wife says you're too good not to find someone Mason. Keep putting yourself out there. It will happen.
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The only thing left at this point seem to be table scraps, women who don't have their act together or are immature, the super religious (mutual lack of interest), the redneck variety (again, mutual disinterest), or in the case of the coolest woman I met down here - gay. The one single woman who gets my sense of humor, enjoys the same activities I do, loves football & dogs, has the same thirst for knowledge, and enjoys my company... is only attracted to other women. Great joke universe. Bravo :clap:
Being good has gotten me nowhere in dating or life. Maybe that's why DTF is largely a sausage fest - we're all by and large "just good guys".
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Differences is good in a relationship. Sure there are a few common likes but we all need a little individuality. To keep a relationship healthy, both have to keep their individuality.
There's someone there Mason. There is.
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I'll tell ya what brodood, attitude and confidence makes an omniverse of difference. In every way imaginable. Just because you're an awesomely intelligent drug-free mad scientist doesn't mean you're boring. However, I can absolutely guarantee that an attitude like that and the self-depreciating vibe that one gives off when in that state of mind is like the biggest, best cock block to yourself you could ever have. Think about all the dirty sluts out there. For every dirty slut, there's also a geeky do-gooder genius like yourself.
I live with my father (granted, out of choice) and my sister and my niece, I work at a restaurant and never, ever have weekends (my 'weekends are Mondays), and most would say that at my best, I'm a crazy bastard. But recently, after my little sabbatical, I decided to stop being down on myself because it's useless. Utterly useless, to myself and especially to people around me and/or ten fold for those that I'm interested in romantically or even just casual flings. My point is that with that kind of thought process, you can forget about any relationship unless the woman is just as self-depreciating. But forget about bases, you won't even get on the field unless you realize and know how awesome you are and project that outwards. But, y'know...not too much. There's definitely a line where confidence meets douchebag and it's a pretty thin line. :lol
Anyway, I just wanted to throw that out there. This world only needs one Kotow ( :P :heart). At one point I probably made Kotow look like a fucking ball of sunshine and hope, and wouldn't you know it, I was miserable and any potential romantic interest I had fell flat. I've tried my damndest to change my state of mind and not be down on myself and surprise surprise, I've been on dates I wouldn't have thought I'd go on, met people I didn't think would be interested in me, even rekindled an old flame, and am no longer depressed about being depressed about not being a perfect being and blah fucking blah. No one needs it or wants it. I just wanted to say that you're awesome and fuck anyone's preconceived notions about what dating is or should be or who should be dating who, etc. x infinity. Getting worked up over stuff like that is not just useless, it's backtracking. Get your head straight, get right with yourself personally, physically, mentally...and then put yourself out there; I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts you'll see a difference. If she's not into you, then onto the next. You'll find someone. Unless you stop looking and break down. That's the only way you'll guarantee your own destiny in what you just wrote on this page. That's it.
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Confidence is definitely important. I can see why Dr. is annoyed though, I notice the same thing with woman online. Keep your chin up and keep looking for what you want in a girl, but you are going to have to accept that as you get older, everyone is going to have some sort of baggage.
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It's not happening. I'm not just on a different wavelength than most women, I'm also phase shifted. At least the feelings tend to be mutual non-interest. I'm not interested in single mothers, the emotionally damaged, the uneducated, and the largely defective dating pool that remains at my age; and women don't seem to be interested in me because I'm extremely intelligent, overweight, don't drive a truck or other penis compensating vehicle, I'm not edgy enough because I don't have any tats, and live a life free of drugs and police raids - you know, boring.
If I'm going to be brutally honest, that sort of attitude towards dating and yourself isn't very attractive. I don't believe in the power of thoughts or magical attraction or whatever, but I would know this attitude when I see it.
At your age, there just aren't any "groups" of bad guys and good guys. Like maybe that sorta thing figures in one's very early 20's or something. Afterwards there are people who have interesting lives you'd like to be a part of, and people who just don't do anything of interest to you, whether they have 0 or 20 tattoos. If you wouldn't give a woman shit for drinking one too many glasses of wine at a party or something, you absolutely aren't too goodie-goodie for any woman, no matter what anyone says. If you're a boring person, you're a boring person, but you can be a cool person (AND, considered to be cool) without doing drugs and getting tattoos. Like, you seem to be stuck in this jocks vs geeks stereotype, and maybe you make it seem true to you, but to everyone else it's not the truth.
You seem to elevate yourself from the rest of your dating pool and at the same time you're kind of self-deprecating. But, you know, man, you're an ordinary person. Sure, you are very intelligent, have a cool academic career, but so do thousands of other people! You're overweight, but hundreds of thousands of other men are, and hundreds of thousands of women date them!
And you seem to put people into neat little categories. You know, I met a guy I liked who was just the right thing for me, and he turned out to be not so rosy. I was going after viking-looking guys with tats and great hair and I wasn't finding any decent fellas, but I didn't just say they're not interested in good girls who don't do drugs and don't fuck on the first date. I met my boyfriend who's a software dev, has played more video games than I've seen in my life, who's twice my weight, hates prog :biggrin: and based on your view of the world, I should have coldly rejected him, right? But I chased after him for a month, because I find him attractive, fun, full of life, and he makes me feel secure and wonderful. Even though I have to go to some other people to discuss sociology and music and if he has to ask someone else for advice on his job, we belong together. Because I've also made an effort to cheer for him when he plays a game and he made an effort to have an opinion about women's clothes.
No, you don't have to settle for someone who doesn't make you happy. But at the same time, you need to start looking out of the box, and seeing what really attracts the type of women that you're attracted to, and then getting that quality and start demonstrating it to the world. There are downsides to every quality. When I wasn't too attractive, I attracted the sort of guy who thought they were doing me a favor by being interested in me. Now when I'm more attractive, I've run into guys who only want a hot bod since the only other person they're interested in is themselves. But you can't get to both label large segments of your dating pool as "defective" and then not do anything to widen it (become more attractive, more outgoing, more interesting, more loving).
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Yep.
I'll tell ya what brodood, attitude and confidence makes an omniverse of difference. In every way imaginable. Just because you're an awesomely intelligent drug-free mad scientist doesn't mean you're boring. However, I can absolutely guarantee that an attitude like that and the self-depreciating vibe that one gives off when in that state of mind is like the biggest, best cock block to yourself you could ever have.
:clap:
I know it's all disheartening as fuck, but having that attitude really does hurt you.
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I'm going to flat-out admit something here - I totally get the good Doc's attitude, but at the same time I'm becoming more and more comfortable with who and how I am. I'm also more accepting of the fact that I was settling for people who have similar qualities/personality of my mother because I felt I didn't deserve anyone who has similar qualities/personality of my father. I figured that shit out in the shower. At 45 years old. Finally. :lol
In all seriousness though, I agree with stepping out of the box/your "comfort zone". That's... just way too limiting. Plus, even as a slightly overweight female (I'm still working on that too)... I've noticed that when the girls and I go out for our monthly excursions, we have SUCH a good time that we definitely attract a fair bit of attention to ourselves.
And isn't that what life is all about? Being comfortable with all of your faults, but having a great time regardless?
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Sorry, but I am extremely intelligent (MENSA), overweight (5'8", 230), don't drive a truck or other penis compensating vehicle (though I don't have to, if you get what I'm saying), not edgy because I don't have any tats (not a one), and live a life free of drugs and police raids, and I just married a girl who is - literally, I shit you not - a beauty pageant winner.
Your predicament has NOTHING to do with the "dating pool" and everything to do with YOU. (And by the way, bad move self-limiting on the "single moms", but that is just me talking).
Man up and take responsibility for where you are in life.
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:clap:
pics plz
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I'm sorry for wanting things a certain way. I probably put more effort to get where I am career wise than 99% of the population, so I don't think it is unfair to ask that I get some say in who I am interested in.
A ton of ladies want someone religious - that's not me. I want to raise my own family, not someone else's aborted one - I'm not interested in single moms. Good for you if you are, but it's not too late for me yet. Someone who lives a country life and is interested in muddin' and shootin' and every other country activity isn't going to relate to someone who reads science research for fun and thinks a fun time with friends is a board game night. I have a somewhat warped sense of humor that some people find off putting. I have a taste in music that most people don't appreciate (don't we all here :biggrin:).
I don't see the problem as being me. Just because I complain about the dating pool doesn't mean I'm unhappy in life or have some other issue you want to paint me with. I like pretty much everything about me, except for my blown out knees, but they aren't the issue. I see it this way - I'm selling gourmet food, but my potential customers can't afford it (those I'm not interested in), aren't willing to try what I'm offering and want to stick with their comfort food (the small handful that I'm interested in, but they aren't interested), or have a food allergy to what I'm selling (I fit one of their dealbreakers).
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I see what you're saying, but to stick with the food analogy: you can't know whether you'll like something until you try it. That goes for you and them. Of course if you disagree on fundamental stuff like religion it might not be negotiable, but what if you met a really awesome lady with a really awesome kid and you had chemistry?
Also: A family is whatever you want to define it as, and I know many people (including my mother, who was basically a single mom for most of my childhood), who would find your statement about "someone else's aborted family" a bit ignorant and offensive.
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Also: A family is whatever you want to define it as, and I know many people (including my mother, who was basically a single mom for most of my childhood), who would find your statement about "someone else's aborted family" a bit ignorant and offensive.
My mom is also a single mom. She's great and attractive and had a great career in law. It's a bit baffling coming from someone otherwise as laid-back as DTVT tbh.
You seem to live in a bit backwards area, but dammit, in Serbia 80% of people are religious, some are functionally illiterate, most folks in my parents' generation agree you're a fucking idiot for even going to college, let alone pursuing something greater, nerds are about as ostracized in high school as in any Hollywood movie... and yet, none of my geek atheist friends have no difficulties finding geek atheist girlfriends or girlfriends who don't share their interests but are laid back and tolerant. My chronically ill, formerly suicidal, geekier than everyone-friend is happily married. We're not saying something's wrong with you. We're saying all gourmet restaurants have loyal customers, unless you wanna name them "Don't Bother Coming In".
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Great responses here. :tup
I've been single for about six months now and I still struggle with it and have days when everything feels hopeless and that I'll never find someone else again. So I can really relate to those feelings.
And that's why it's so great reading you guys responses here. Thank you, DTF. :heart
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I'm sorry for wanting things a certain way... so I don't think it is unfair to ask that I get some say in who I am interested in.
You might just hear these exact same words from a woman. Turns out they're just as picky as men ???. I get it, especially about the single mom thing. I simply wanted to have the option of starting a family from scratch. Nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, that will single out a lot of great people. I've become more open to the idea of at least dating a woman with a child. If she's awesome,and thinks I'm awesome, then that's a win. Figure out the rest later. I just think you might be drawing TOO many lines.
I got moderator status on okcupid. It's not as interesting as okcreepsters, but I'm sure one of those messages will pop up eventually.
So I had like 10 days left on my match.com membership. I figured I'd add another pic as a groomsmen for my buddy as a profile pic. So all of a sudden I'm getting a bunch of views from a lot of local profiles I've never even come across. Or people I've messaged and got no reply are checking back. Weird. I got three winks and messages from three different women. I'm more used to no replies than I am with getting initial interest from them.
I'm starting to understand the female perspective when it comes to messaging. I've been messaging with someone that seems cool. Not a whole lot of effort required to carry on conversation... easy. I started talking to another woman who doesn't really seem like my type, but I'm being open. I have all sort of stuff in my profile to talk about, but this convo isn't moving so well. And I find that I'm not really attracted to her physically. I might need to give that default "Not my type" message. Lastly, after seeing all the cool things I have on profile to talk about, I got a PUA "Serious question: Pancakes or waffles?" I see all the ladies on okcreepster lampooning guys for using these lines, but I know why she would. So I'm not inclined to give her shit for it, but come on!
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I'm sorry for wanting things a certain way. I probably put more effort to get where I am career wise than 99% of the population, so I don't think it is unfair to ask that I get some say in who I am interested in.
A ton of ladies want someone religious - that's not me. I want to raise my own family, not someone else's aborted one - I'm not interested in single moms. Good for you if you are, but it's not too late for me yet. Someone who lives a country life and is interested in muddin' and shootin' and every other country activity isn't going to relate to someone who reads science research for fun and thinks a fun time with friends is a board game night. I have a somewhat warped sense of humor that some people find off putting. I have a taste in music that most people don't appreciate (don't we all here :biggrin:).
I don't see the problem as being me. Just because I complain about the dating pool doesn't mean I'm unhappy in life or have some other issue you want to paint me with. I like pretty much everything about me, except for my blown out knees, but they aren't the issue. I see it this way - I'm selling gourmet food, but my potential customers can't afford it (those I'm not interested in), aren't willing to try what I'm offering and want to stick with their comfort food (the small handful that I'm interested in, but they aren't interested), or have a food allergy to what I'm selling (I fit one of their dealbreakers).
Look, I admit I was a little harsh, but I guess I'm saying that you have all these rules, and what are rules but made to be broken? I've been lucky enough to meet someone who was my checklist from top to bottom: smarts, looks, money, geography, music, sports... and we lasted about 72 hours. I couldn't wait to be done with that. I don't know that I would have given my wife the time o'day if we were talking about "rules" and "checklists" and "what I want", but I did. And I realized that the more time I spent with her, the more I looked forward to seeing her again. I have a JD and an MBA, she finished high school and did a tech school for two years; so what? She can hold a conversation, and is actually rather well read. I would have preferred one child (because I have one) but she has three, and one is, let's say, behaviorally challenged. Okay, who wants to get involved in that, right? But it has been as rewarding as it is challenging, and the kid is a good kid at heart who just needs some direction. I could continue to go down the list, but at the end of the day, we treat each other with respect and dignity, and we both just enjoy each others' company. Maybe that's not for you, I get that. I find it hard to believe you are dating her degrees or her CD collection, though. If you click, it doesn't matter what you both listen to, you compromise and you respect what she likes and more importantly, WHY she likes it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, instead of looking at all the ways that the entire population is conspired against you, and how every woman is a bad fit for some reason or another, why not try to look at all the ways these women MIGHT be a good fit? You don't think there's at least ONE city girl out there who is ready willing and able to tackle the country life, but has no idea what it is or what it offers until she meets a compassionate, caring teacher like yourself?
As for the "single mom" thing, to each their own, but speaking as someone who understands your point of view (and perhaps said as much a couple years ago) I can tell you that we as humans are a product of our experiences. And when I got divorced, it got to the point that I finally changed my tune to the one above. This might seem harsher and more calculating than I mean it, but there are a LOT of women out there who married the high school sweetheart, and found out that people don't always grow and mature and age at the same pace or in the same direction, and while they have a child, they know exactly what is important (read: not usually the six pack, the vehicular penile simulator, or dumb muscles) and understand that they are lucky to be able to have a second chance at finding someone who cares for them. It's like the "hot stove" analogy I use a lot; you can tell someone to not touch the stove 1,000 times, but they WILL touch the stove, they WILL realize that it is hot and it hurts, and they WILL NOT touch it again. My wife knows full well that if the worst thing she has to put up with in her life now is a husband who likes to crank out 15-minute prog metal opuses on occasion, or will sometimes bang out "Love Gun" while driving, then, so be it. She knows I'm coming home to her every night, and she knows I will be sober when I do. She knows I'm thinking of her as much as myself when I make familial decisions, and she knows I consider her kids as my own. The rest... doesn't mean shit at the end of the day.
But, if you have a different standard, so be it. Just own it; don't blame 1,000,000 women for your decision, that's all I'm saying. It's not their fault.
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It's perfectly fine to set some sort of standard for what you look for in a girl, and dating in general helps you find this standard for what you want. BUT to hold that standard as the end all be all and you will likely miss out on someone who COULD be amazing. If single mother's arent your thing, fine, but in all seriousness, if you met a single mother who fit all your criteria and you really enjoyed spending time with and then found out she was a mom, would you end it?
I list in my profile I am not interested in single moms (through the okcupid questions) but in reality, in the above scenario, I would give it a try if the woman was that awesome in every other way. Being a mom doesn't make you a bad person, but I understand there is a different aspect to a relationship that has a kid involved.
My point is, being so closed minded won't help in finding a partner for life.
I should also add, that you remind me a bit of myself with the basics you described... I have an engineering degree (nerd), I like metal music (metalhead), I play video games (dork), no tats and can't grow a beard (not a badass), and I am overweight (fatass). I still manage to find really awesome girls who can dig my style although I will admit, I have not had Stadler's luck of getting that 10 model, but then again I don't put too much stock into looks, just as long as I find the girl attractive. Beauty fades so it's not the most important trait for me.
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I should also add, that you remind me a bit of myself with the basics you described... I have an engineering degree (nerd), I like metal music (metalhead), I play video games (dork), no tats and can't grow a beard (not a badass), and I am overweight (fatass). I still manage to find really awesome girls who can dig my style although I will admit, I have not had Stadler's luck of getting that 10 model, but then again I don't put too much stock into looks, just as long as I find the girl attractive. Beauty fades so it's not the most important trait for me.
And don't get me wrong; I know I hit the lottery. But I'd be with her even if that wasn't the case, because we click on almost all levels (and those we don't, we compromise and respect the difference).
My point isn't "hold out for a supermodel"; my point is, don't box your self in then whine about the box you're in.
I've said this before, but when I was going through my divorce and soon after, I would go to the local bar around the corner from me, bring my crossword puzzles, and sit there and talk to people. ANYONE. And I met 20-something college girls, and 60-something grandmothers, and everything in between. And the one thing I learned is: almost every one of them had something - SOMETHING - interesting about them, and almost all of them had something - SOMETHING - that was an issue. I think the one trick is, I would talk to anyone, and I was genuinely interested in what they had to say (to a point). I'm not saying I would date all - or even most - of them. But I got to meet a lot of interesting people, I coulda had a decent amount of sex, and a decent amount of companionship, if I wanted. THEN I can use my rules to rule out those that aren't my thing. That's very different than saying "I'm picky!" then complaining that girls don't like this or that. They are out there, it just takes effort to find them. There is no magic pill or website to do it for you.
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If you've never sat at a bar and done crossword puzzles, we are not a match.
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If you've never sat at a bar and done crossword puzzles, we are not a match.
Haha, laugh all you want, it is the best icebreaker on the planet that doesn't use gasoline or allow you to meet the band. Bear in mind, it is a bar that is half locals and half UConn law students, so there is that, but I can't tell you how many finished crosswords I had with a phone number scribbled on the top.
Think about the message it sends: either pathetic nerd, or (more likely) intelligent, confident, not "on the prowl", and therefore relatively harmless. I figured, any woman that engaged in a conversation probably wasn't thinking the first one, and even if they were, they were talking to me, so at least I had a passing shot to dissuade her of that notion. Win win.
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I hear you. I used to sit and do sudoku because I'd show up an hour before my friends :lol
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Next time I travel alone I am going to have to give the crossword puzzle at a bar a try.
Think about the message it sends: either pathetic nerd, or (more likely) intelligent, confident, not "on the prowl", and therefore relatively harmless. I figured, any woman that engaged in a conversation probably wasn't thinking the first one, and even if they were, they were talking to me, so at least I had a passing shot to dissuade her of that notion. Win win.
Ya know, now that you say that. When I have traveled alone in the past and made it out to a bar, every single woman I met in those bars all noted I had "balls" to go out alone. I always thought it was depressing to do so and only did it because what else am I going to do on a 2 week trip alone thousands of miles away from anyone I know? But when you think about it, I guess it does send some sort of message that is more positive than "depressing". Really got to do the crosswords next time lol
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Hey cram, are you still holding on while out of town?
I went on a first date tonight. I thought it went well. We're both online dating for the same reasons, she's athletic, and we both are picky eaters ( I always thought I was picky, she wins). Her bro is blind and so is my dad. That was a cool thing to have in common. She laughed a lot, mentioned a couple times about doing something during the week. I'm optimistic and excited.
I was messaging with another woman, seemingly completely different from the other, and she gave me her number. I've texted with her a little, but she's busy with the holiday weekend, and I kinda don't wanna rush into trying to date multiple women at the same time. If it happens, I'll do my best. Otherwise, I slowed down so as to not call someone by another's name, again :facepalm:.
On another site, I saw a bombshell with a 92% match. Clicked on her profile, she plays cello in rock based bands, claims Archer is her spirit animal, loves bourbon, super smart/educated/successful. All of that adds up to several levels out of my league. I messaged her about her music and how Archer is awesome. We messaged a few times, and I just decided to ask if she wants to go find some live music and grab a scotch. "That sounds great!" Wait, what? I still am trying to lock something down. Fingers crossed...
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My business trips are almost all work and no play so the reality of meeting anyone is really slim, but if I were to be able to go out with a girl I would. Assuming I am not in anything serious or felt like I was going to be in something serious with someone back at home.
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sylvan, sounds promising! :tup
I had a date last night... with a lady :eyebrows:
We've hung out in the past and we kissed once before but last night we actually got to make out. At the drive-in. That was nice. She's a bit older (42) and a total MILF. Super cool and we have a lot in common. I'm not quite as into girls as guys, but I always feel like the conversation part of things is much easier on girl dates. It's the initiating of kissing, etc. that's harder. With dudes I can almost always count on them to make the move. Last night I leaned in for the kiss, which was weird for me. She said that she usually feels like a woman in charge but with me felt like a teenage boy :lol
Not sure when we will hang again but hopefully soon.
I also had my third date with that OkCupid guy I think I mentioned on Wednesday. He is also 42 (it's the answer!) and super cool. We had a very steamy makeout session on the top level of a parking garage after seeing a movie, which was awesome. I'm waiting to hear back from him on his availability next week so we can hopefully hang out.
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Nice and nice! :) I think kissing and a good make out sesh is awesome and crucial to the beginning of something.
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talking to:
1. a broad-shouldered table-top gamer with a majestic beard working on his PhD in feminist studies
2. a really hot democratic socialist biker dude who would be a fun challenge to try to convert to the far left
3. an extraordinarily smart (and handsome) guy who just came to america and doesn't speak very good english, so i have mostly been talking to him in spanish about politics and economics
4. a 23-year-old liberal arts student who loves alternative rock and grunge music, which is sort of awesome because it's not from her time at all, it was even a little before mine.
i want them all :(
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Without monogamy, you can have them all! ;)
And yeah cram, totally. My first couple kisses with the dude were a little awkward (as I think I shared here :lol) but getting much better. It's nice also to just have makeout sessions and be left with anticipation about everything else. I'm not always good at that.
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Without monogamy, you can have them all! ;)
great idea! :)
have dates lined up now with the college girl and the democratic socialist. the spanish speaker, i've been talking to him longer than any of them and he still hasn't asked me out. i think the doctoral student has given up on me.
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And yeah cram, totally. My first couple kisses with the dude were a little awkward (as I think I shared here :lol) but getting much better. It's nice also to just have makeout sessions and be left with anticipation about everything else. I'm not always good at that.
Yea, definitely tough to hold back, but agreed that the build up and anticipation can really pay off.
As for all the people to date, that's great if that can work for you. I have no idea how I would be able to keep up with multiple dates though.
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2. a really hot democratic socialist biker dude who would be a fun challenge to try to convert to the far left
Not making this political (since it isn't about the ideology) but just to understand, how much further can they GO???? That's kind of like converting a DT fan into a Rush fan... not a big leap.
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I was wondering that myself :lol
Anyway, made date #4 with the dude for Wednesday. I kind of think it's going to uh, go to the next level. I'm going to his place, which I have not been to before :eyebrows:
Also trying to nail down another date with the lady ;D... but that probably won't be for two weeks since she's busy this week and I'm busy next week.
Meanwhile, people are messaging me on OKC like crazy and I'm overwhelmed. Ain't nobody got time for that. First world problems, bro.
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2. a really hot democratic socialist biker dude who would be a fun challenge to try to convert to the far left
Not making this political (since it isn't about the ideology) but just to understand, how much further can they GO???? That's kind of like converting a DT fan into a Rush fan... not a big leap.
I would call Democratic Socialism the closest ideology to the center that is actually left. Anything further right is at least a centrist ideology, but is often confused with leftism by reactionaries, especially in extreme right-wing countries like the United States.
I was wondering that myself :lol
When I am wondering about something, I usually research it.
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Anyway, made date #4 with the dude for Wednesday. I kind of think it's going to uh, go to the next level. I'm going to his place, which I have not been to before :eyebrows:
Good times, good times! :hat
Had my 7th date last night with the same girl that I met a month ago now. Im really liking her, just so much in common and she has a great sense of humor. We have another date lined up for Thursday. We also have tickets to see Epica together (assuming they dont cancel, which they have started doing due to Simone's dying father :sad:) and I got a hotel room in NYC for the evening for us in a couple weeks. I've never met a female who is into the same music as me so thats another awesome quality.
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especially in extreme right-wing countries like the United States.
Maybe you should "wonder" a little more about the political climate in the United States... "extreme" is not an appropriate descriptor even when compared to some of the more socialist of our world brothers. We've got nothing on Austria, and actually, right this second (though not generally) we're probably not the most "extreme" on the CONTINENT.
Not trying to change the thread, just giving you something to use on your next conversion, I mean date. :)
Serious dating question: could you date someone you don't share political ideology with?
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especially in extreme right-wing countries like the United States.
Maybe you should "wonder" a little more about the political climate in the United States... "extreme" is not an appropriate descriptor even when compared to some of the more socialist of our world brothers. We've got nothing on Austria, and actually, right this second (though not generally) we're probably not the most "extreme" on the CONTINENT.
That depends entirely on your perspective, doesn't it? It's not like this is something you can measure or test. What you consider "more right-wing", I might consider relatively progressive. Austria has universal health care, for example.
Libertarians believe in a political compass: socially left, socially right, economically left, economically right. I reject the distinction between social and economic, so already we are running into some language barriers. To me, libertarianism (classical liberalism) and fascism are on the same side of the spectrum, whereas classical libertarianism (anarchosyndicalism) is on the same side as communism. The first two are concerned with preserving, expanding or enforcing a power dynamic, whereas the second two are concerned with eliminating it. The issue of authoritarian vs. non-authoritarian is not the most important issue to me; I am a non-authoritarian, but I view that concept much differently from the way libertarians view it. You see how hard it is to agree on words?
The problem with political debates, I find, is that so much of them involves trying to agree on terms, and very little of it involves discussion of any actual ideas. Labels are often immediately dismissed, and ideas are often immediately labeled to facilitate their dismissal. This is great if you are trying to win an argument, but terrible if you actually are affected by the issues you are trying to discuss.
Not trying to change the thread, just giving you something to use on your next conversion, I mean date. :)
The funny thing is I actually have no interest in converting him, and my comment was a joke relying on the incongruity between people's perceptions of Democratic Socialists and the statement itself. People who immediately believe members of the left are nutjobs have a hard time getting such humor, because they have too low an opinion of their ideological opponents' intelligence. This phenomenon is also often seen with men watching female comedians.
Serious dating question: could you date someone you don't share political ideology with?
They would have to be on the same side of the spectrum, because my political ideology is based on conclusions I have drawn from things I have seen, witnessed, experienced with my own eyes and ears, felt and observed. Political ideologies on the other side of the spectrum are primarily concerned with either ignoring, invalidating, justifying, rationalizing or marginalizing those things, which is unacceptable to me. I am sure that you, too, have standards for what type of person you allow into your bedroom.
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Serious dating question: could you date someone you don't share political ideology with?
I definitely could. My views are mine and hers are hers. If the views are so strong that you can't agree then obviously we won't be dating anymore, but I would never not date someone just because they have different ideals than I do.
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Man, this thread has gone P/R! :lol
DTF: Where everything's speculated and the thread topics don't matter.
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The problem with political debates, I find, is that so much of them involves trying to agree on terms, and very little of it involves discussion of any actual ideas. Labels are often immediately dismissed, and ideas are often immediately labeled to facilitate their dismissal. This is great if you are trying to win an argument, but terrible if you actually are affected by the issues you are trying to discuss.
Though I daresay we share little in terms of the labeling you mentioned (and which I deleted for space, and not to ignore), I couldn't agree more on this last paragraph. I DO separate the social with the economic (I don't believe government has a place in social politics; that is reserved for the individual, and the individual needs to take responsibility for that), and do so strenuously. Having said that, I have this conversation a lot, and I find that when we talk about the strategy - the WHAT: what do we want to accomplish, what are our goals - there aren't a lot of differences. The differences develop when we talk about the tactics - the HOW: how do we provide access to healthcare, how do we promote public safety, how do we assure ourselves that we are putting the right people to work in the right jobs - that's where we differ.
The funny thing is I actually have no interest in converting him, and my comment was a joke relying on the incongruity between people's perceptions of Democratic Socialists and the statement itself. People who immediately believe members of the left are nutjobs have a hard time getting such humor, because they have too low an opinion of their ideological opponents' intelligence. This phenomenon is also often seen with men watching female comedians.
No different than the left referring to those on the right as "extremists" and, well, "nutjobs". I've actually been called a "Nazi baby-killer" to my face because of my politics, which, besides being ignorant (neither are telltale symptoms of a ultra-conservative in the US today) is incorrect (I am a libertarian and while pro-choice, abortion would not be a ready choice for me, personally).
They would have to be on the same side of the spectrum, because my political ideology is based on conclusions I have drawn from things I have seen, witnessed, experienced with my own eyes and ears, felt and observed. Political ideologies on the other side of the spectrum are primarily concerned with either ignoring, invalidating, justifying, rationalizing or marginalizing those things, which is unacceptable to me. I am sure that you, too, have standards for what type of person you allow into your bedroom.
And... exactly as I thought: for all your spewing about labels and assumptions and ideologies, you're not much different. Judge those as inferior who don't think like you. For me, I have my faults, but I want people who are honest and passionate and open minded in my bedroom. I want someone who loves ME, and - provided I am not a criminal, predator, or dangerous to myself or society - accepts me for who I am, politics and all. And my part of the bargain is to accept you as YOU are, politics and all. If you're being ignored, invalidated, rationalized or marginalized, it's not because you're dating a right winger, it's because you're dating a dick. And whether you admit to it or not, you are ignoring, invalidating, rationalizing, justifying, and marginalizing ME for my politics (or at least those that think like I do), and therefore those traits are clearly not exclusive to the right (though let me be clear: I am not calling you a "dick").
And this is not "P/R", by the way, it's about the mechanics of dating. The psychology and politics of dating, and very relevant to the discussion. Almost as relevant as whether Jackie takes it to the next level or not on the next date. :)
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almost as relevant as whether Jackie takes it to the next level or not on the next date. :)
Totally not as relevant as that. I am at the edge of my seat waiting for the next update like a reality tv show except actually good and real. :lol
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almost as relevant as whether Jackie takes it to the next level or not on the next date. :)
Totally not as relevant as that. I am at the edge of my seat waiting for the next update like a reality tv show except actually good and real. :lol
Yeah, okay. You're right. I didn't want to appear over-eager. :)
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And... exactly as I thought: for all your spewing about labels and assumptions and ideologies, you're not much different. Judge those as inferior who don't think like you.
I don't judge them as inferior; I think you are making a bit of a leap. In fact, I find that reaction puzzling, although I'm not saying that in a negative way; I just do not understand it. I see the society we live in as one that treats certain people as inferior, and I see right-wing ideologies as being ideologies that perpetuate that dynamic, whether intentionally or via ignorance of the dynamic itself. So for me personally, knowing what I know afnd having seen what I have seen, sleeping with a conservative would be an act of self-disrespect, because I would be allowing someone who knowingly or unknowingly supports my marginalization to use me for their pleasure. That does not mean I don't have conversations with conservatives; it does not mean I refuse to be their friends, or that I don't buy from them or sell to them or work for them. It just means I do not date them.
Because I am a marginalized person, I feel that when I say conservative ideologies are valid, I am allowing my own right to be treated as a human being with dignity to be a topic of debate. And this includes libertarianism, as well-meaning as some libertarians are, because by separating the economic from the social, they are ignoring all of the ways the economy is used to enforce people's marginalization. This ultimately means that when I sleep with a conservative, I treat myself as less than human, and when I don't, I treat myself as being on the same level as them.
And this is not "P/R", by the way, it's about the mechanics of dating. The psychology and politics of dating, and very relevant to the discussion. Almost as relevant as whether Jackie takes it to the next level or not on the next date. :)
I agree with that completely.
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I don't judge them as inferior; I think you are making a bit of a leap. In fact, I find that reaction puzzling, although I'm not saying that in a negative way; I just do not understand it. I see the society we live in as one that treats certain people as inferior, and I see right-wing ideologies as being ideologies that perpetuate that dynamic, whether intentionally or via ignorance of the dynamic itself. So for me personally, knowing what I know afnd having seen what I have seen, sleeping with a conservative would be an act of self-disrespect, because I would be allowing someone who knowingly or unknowingly supports my marginalization to use me for their pleasure. That does not mean I don't have conversations with conservatives; it does not mean I refuse to be their friends, or that I don't buy from them or sell to them or work for them. It just means I do not date them.
You talk of "ignorance of the dynamic"; you DO see that you are basically saying "My experience is that all black people are criminals, and well, I just call it as I see it, so for me to allow black people to live in my community, well, that's just an act of self-disrespect". How can you possibly talk about "marginalization" and being "disrespected" when you lump 50 million people into one pot labeled with one word? I can certainly see on an individual level, if a man was a misogynist that it would result in the feelings you are describing, but I'm struggling with how it translates to an entire sector of the human population.
To each their own, though. No one can tell anyone else who to date. I know for me, right after my divorce I was thisclose to making an advance at a close friend whose ideology is about 180 degrees from my own, and but for her being 2500 miles away and married (to someone else) I would have. It would not have been an issue for either of us because we respected the person enough to trust them with our ideas.
Because I am a marginalized person, I feel that when I say conservative ideologies are valid, I am allowing my own right to be treated as a human being with dignity to be a topic of debate. And this includes libertarianism, as well-meaning as some libertarians are, because by separating the economic from the social, they are ignoring all of the ways the economy is used to enforce people's marginalization. This ultimately means that when I sleep with a conservative, I treat myself as less than human, and when I don't, I treat myself as being on the same level as them.
This is a complicated statement, so bear with me, but on the simplest of levels, you are marginalized because you allow yourself to feel marginalized, not because of some conservatives' ideals. I'm not at all hoping to change your mind - my experience is that once you demonize the "other side" there is no going back - but it is clear this goes beyond political ideologies. And here is something that you might consider: people tend to look at the world through their own lenses. This can be problematic, because if the other person isn't wearing your lenses there is a strong possibility of disconnect. You've said you don't separate economic from social. And then you said that the conservative/libertarian mindset is one that results in your marginalization because of that "non-separation". While I understand (well) the law of unintended consequences, it is worth exploring that if the "conservative" (or whoever) doesn't see the world in the same way you do - meaning, DOES separate the social and the economic, and can articulate policies that impact one with minimal impact to the other - perhaps there is room to have the difference in ideology without the feelings of marginalization and disrespect that you feel.
I offer this with the best of intentions.
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Dang cram, 7 dates already in a month? She must be cool.
I find "Jackie" to be intriguing (quotes cuz I mean her general approach to dating, like all the Jackie's out there). Hearing about people being so open to certain types of relationships has had me wondering. I feel like I've been open to what types of people I try to meet, but mostly am meeting people that are generally similar. Yeah, I'd like to find something serious, but am open to meeting someone cool that wants to have a good time. And that doesn't necessarily mean sex. I've been talking to someone that is a little more social than I am, and likes to go out and have some fun. I need to branch out a little, so I thought I would give it a shot. We had lunch, and while she's cool/nice, she's not really my type. She happened to say that she doesn't hook up with guys unless she's in an exclusive relationship. Of course I respect that. But, I feel like my overall perception of the situation changed with that being said. I guess I just wasn't into it.
So if a profile seems inauthentic, is that usually the case? I messaged someone, and got a reply that was longer than her profile. It included all sorts of weird info, including birthday. The first paragraph was kinda broken, but that could be modern autocorrect bs. She didn't answer any of my questions. Let's see what's up...
As for the politics thing, it would be tough if certain specific ideas weren't shared. I've never appreciated political labels as it is, so comes down the specific ideas. Basically what cram said. It's not always a deal breaker.
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7 dates does seem like a lot especially considering I've traveled to Amsterdam,Frankfurt,and Washington DC within that month, but the girl is awesome and totally worth my time. I have no problem sacrificing sleep or other activities for someone I really like and enjoy being around. I am also fairly aggressive about spending time together when getting to know someone, I do not like endless texting, let's get face to face and continue doing that if things are going well.
As for online profiles, I put little stock into them once I start talking to someone. Im not going to reach out to someone who doesn't have an interesting profile, but you have to realize that in a way it's like a resume. Not detailing your history, but giving a brief overview of yourself and sort of an advertisement for yourself. It's not going to encompass everything. Now if I met someone and realized they aren't at all who their profile says they are then I will have some serious doubts as to whether I would move forward.
A girl who won't hook up unless exclusive is something I would respect, but I can see why you are turned off. I don't think I could be exclusive with someone if we didn't hook up before hand. That's too important to me, but to each their own.
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This is a complicated statement, so bear with me, but on the simplest of levels, you are marginalized because you allow yourself to feel marginalized
I can't even.
The comments you are making about me marginalizing you are not new to me. They seem like a combination of the following:
https://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-entitlement/ (section "But I'm Not Like That! Stop Stereotyping!") and
https://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-personal-attacks/ (section "You're As Bad As They Are!")
I have two responses:
https://www.kctv5.com/story/29806858/transgender-woman-killed-after-being-run-over-multiple-times
https://www.thestar.co.uk/news/crime/barnsley-teen-burned-to-death-on-his-18th-birthday-1-5521116
Did Tamara Dominguez (the woman in the first story) allow herself to be marginalized by accepting a ride from the person who went on to murder her? Tell me, who should I get into cars with?
Until things like this start happening to conservatives, you have no right to call yourselves marginalized. Period.
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When I am wondering about something, I usually research it.
:\
Then perhaps you should research delusions of grandeur and condescension.
Can we just talk about dating? Christ.
almost as relevant as whether Jackie takes it to the next level or not on the next date. :)
Totally not as relevant as that. I am at the edge of my seat waiting for the next update like a reality tv show except actually good and real. :lol
Yeah, okay. You're right. I didn't want to appear over-eager. :)
:lol
I will let you guys know tomorrow... or more likely Thursday if all goes well :eyebrows:
I also made another date with the lady for next Sunday. Dinner and a movie- True Romance, which I've never seen.
So if a profile seems inauthentic, is that usually the case? I messaged someone, and got a reply that was longer than her profile. It included all sorts of weird info, including birthday. The first paragraph was kinda broken, but that could be modern autocorrect bs. She didn't answer any of my questions. Let's see what's up...
That is a bit weird. I would proceed with caution. I generally expect somebody to have a decent profile (and to send me a decent message vs. just "sup gurl"). If they don't, it seems like they don't give a shit. Or are a robot or something.
7 dates does seem like a lot especially considering I've traveled to Amsterdam,Frankfurt,and Washington DC within that month, but the girl is awesome and totally worth my time. I have no problem sacrificing sleep or other activities for someone I really like and enjoy being around. I am also fairly aggressive about spending time together when getting to know someone, I do not like endless texting, let's get face to face and continue doing that if things are going well.
That's pretty impressive. I will sometimes lose sleep for the sake of good company, but too much of that and s/he will NOT want to be around me :lol
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Then perhaps you should research delusions of grandeur
I know what that is; do you know what psychological projection is?
and condescension.
It is very interesting that you are telling me to research condescension, when the only way it was possible for you to say "I was wondering that myself :lol" would be if you were regarding my opinion with condescension. The difference is that for you, it is OK to condescend to me, because you regard yourself as superior, whereas when I condescend to you, that is not OK, because I am getting above myself.
Can we just talk about dating? Christ.
That's all I was ever trying to do, until you and someone else started asking condescending questions about my politics. You're not going to save yourself from getting called out on your bullshit by just now suddenly trying to act as if I am the one who hijacked this conversation. If you just wanted to talk about dating, you should have limited your own comments to dating. But you didn't; you wanted to dismiss and laugh about my politics (because my political ideology is about as funny as that really funny joke you told several months ago, when you posted a picture of a cat coming out of your pants immediately after I had posted a picture showing that I was a trans woman who still could not pass well), and now that you are being made uncomfortable by the fact that I actually know what I am talking about, you are trying to play as if you just wanted to talk about dating all along.
https://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-intellectualism/
Your sneering opinion of things you know nothing about is perfectly acceptable to you, because the conclusion that you are superior has already been drawn: not just by you but by society itself. But when I react in a way that puts myself on the same level as you, demanding that you look into the things you are treating as ridiculous just like anyone else should have to, you view that as condescension, because I am lowering you from the position that you regard yourself as entitled to.
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We get it. Dating, and social life in general, are very different for very different individuals. But, it's nothing new. Forget identifiaction labels, cuz we're all different regardless. If you feel marginalized, that sucks. But, I can't imagine that some people talking about dating on a music forum are interested in perpetuating this nonsense. Not that this discussion is so off topic, but it certainly is not productive. Guess what? Everyone is marginalized and pigeon holed by someone else, daily. Maybe you can find a link on your favorite derailing website about some methodology that I'm using to marginalize you.
Yeah cram, 7 in a month is pretty quick. But I don't mean too quick. You both must be into it.
Jackie's gonna get some :hat
I got another date setup for Friday. I started talking to her on Monday, and we've messaged a bunch. Super cool, we've got some overlapping interests, but she's 24, and I'm 31. I've been seeing younger women, but not 24. I don't think the age difference is a problem, but I'm hoping there's not a generational gap. But, she seems mature and I "identify" as younger than 31. We're gonna try and do some sort of game night somewhere, like trivia or cards against humanity. And then maybe a daytime hike with another on Saturday. Which would make 4 dates with 3 different women in a week. It's weird, as I had not been on a date until 4 months ago. Makes me think my 20s could have been different, but you can't go back, ya know.
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We get it.
Clearly you don't. The fact that you don't get it is the most glaringly obvious thing going on. If you got it, you would not spend the rest of your post trying to deny it.
If you feel marginalized, that sucks.
I think that is about the most backhanded expression of false empathy that anyone can possibly make. I am not sure that a more viciously ironic statement exists in the entire English language.
But, I can't imagine that some people talking about dating on a music forum are interested in perpetuating this nonsense.
Whether you can imagine it or not, and regardless of whether you want to do it, you are perpetuating it right now. There is no more perfect demonstrator of your privilege and my marginalization than the derisiveness with which you treat my marginalization, your own role in it, and the website I am using to explain to you what you are doing.
Simply by continuing to argue this with me, you are straying far away from the topic of dating into the topic that I did not bring up: the validity of my political values. So it's clear you are not just interested in talking about dating; you are interested in deriding me and my ideology. The topic of the thread is leverage that you are using to further push me down, and ignores the fact that I am not the person who took the thread off topic to begin with.
Not that this discussion is so off topic, but it certainly is not productive. Guess what? Everyone is marginalized and pigeon holed by someone else, daily. Maybe you can find a link on your favorite derailing website about some methodology that I'm using to marginalize you.
Yes, in fact, they came immediately to mind.
https://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-emotion/ (everything on this page)
https://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-intellectualism/ (Section "You’re Interrogating From The Wrong Perspective")
https://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-entitlement/ (Section "But That Happens To Me Too!")
https://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-personal-attacks/ (Section "You Just Enjoy Being Offended")
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7 dates does seem like a lot especially considering I've traveled to Amsterdam,Frankfurt,and Washington DC within that month, but the girl is awesome and totally worth my time. I have no problem sacrificing sleep or other activities for someone I really like and enjoy being around. I am also fairly aggressive about spending time together when getting to know someone, I do not like endless texting, let's get face to face and continue doing that if things are going well.
As for online profiles, I put little stock into them once I start talking to someone. Im not going to reach out to someone who doesn't have an interesting profile, but you have to realize that in a way it's like a resume. Not detailing your history, but giving a brief overview of yourself and sort of an advertisement for yourself. It's not going to encompass everything. Now if I met someone and realized they aren't at all who their profile says they are then I will have some serious doubts as to whether I would move forward.
A girl who won't hook up unless exclusive is something I would respect, but I can see why you are turned off. I don't think I could be exclusive with someone if we didn't hook up before hand. That's too important to me, but to each their own.
I think the problem for me with online profiles is twofold: one, they aren't usually a deep reflection of the person, they are a want ad, and two (and related) they are static, not dynamic. None of the things we're talking about, including politics, are one-dimensional. I love a woman who is open and enthusiastic about sex, but not when we're at the dinner table with my parents, you know? So as far as snapshots go, they are a moment in time, but...
I know for me, and I've said this before, I just talk to people. At the first conversation, it's an open book. Black, white, young old, tall, short, hot, not, just engage. What's the worst that happens? She tells you to fuck off, and you're no worse than when you started. Middle of the road, you have a new friend. Best case, you're knocking boots by sunrise. I'm fascinated by people, and I've found that every person - EVERY person - has a story. Some are sad, some are fun, some are boring, some are fascinating, but you don't know unless you play. I feel like we (and I speak of myself here as well) make our own ruts. Have you ever just walked into a strange restaurant to have dinner as opposed to going to the "corner deli" for the 100th time? Ever just start talking to the person looking at the CDs at Walmart? Ever just go to a concert by yourself? Nothing happened, because I was already involved (though not yet engaged), but I went to see Extreme on a lark at the local casino, ended up moving down to better seats, started talking to two girls there, one bolted to try to get backstage (???) and I ended up chatting with the other; we both talked about our partners at length, yet at the end of the show, she clearly invited me to the bar in the casino for a drink. I don't know what - if anything - would have happened, but it's a start.
This is going to sound weird, but I also don't take anything at face value, at least at first blush. Not suggesting this is the case, but using the "I don't suck face unless I'm in a committed relationship" as example, that could be said for many reasons, and only one is that it is a hard and fast rule. I AM IN NO WAY SAYING "NO MEANS YES" OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I act on it as if it was true, but everything takes verification on the ground. Especially as one gets a little more world weary (read into that what you will) I find that people want to FEEL respected more than just about anything, and part of that is that their partner is putting in the effort. My experience on Match in particular is that most of the profiles talk about "committed relationships", "no more games", "looking for nice guy", yadda yadda yadda, but the reality is far more complicated than that.
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I know for me, and I've said this before, I just talk to people. At the first conversation, it's an open book. Black, white, young old, tall, short, hot, not, just engage. What's the worst that happens? She tells you to fuck off, and you're no worse than when you started. Middle of the road, you have a new friend. Best case, you're knocking boots by sunrise. I'm fascinated by people, and I've found that every person - EVERY person - has a story. Some are sad, some are fun, some are boring, some are fascinating, but you don't know unless you play. I feel like we (and I speak of myself here as well) make our own ruts. Have you ever just walked into a strange restaurant to have dinner as opposed to going to the "corner deli" for the 100th time? Ever just start talking to the person looking at the CDs at Walmart? Ever just go to a concert by yourself? Nothing happened, because I was already involved (though not yet engaged), but I went to see Extreme on a lark at the local casino, ended up moving down to better seats, started talking to two girls there, one bolted to try to get backstage (???) and I ended up chatting with the other; we both talked about our partners at length, yet at the end of the show, she clearly invited me to the bar in the casino for a drink. I don't know what - if anything - would have happened, but it's a start.
I think this is something we're all told at some point, especially if we can't figure it out for ourselves, for whatever reason. But, all the details matter. Do you think your interaction at the concert would have been different if you were single? Maybe your mentaliity would have been different if you weren't already in a comfortable relationship.
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I know for me, and I've said this before, I just talk to people. At the first conversation, it's an open book. Black, white, young old, tall, short, hot, not, just engage. What's the worst that happens? She tells you to fuck off, and you're no worse than when you started. Middle of the road, you have a new friend. Best case, you're knocking boots by sunrise. I'm fascinated by people, and I've found that every person - EVERY person - has a story. Some are sad, some are fun, some are boring, some are fascinating, but you don't know unless you play. I feel like we (and I speak of myself here as well) make our own ruts. Have you ever just walked into a strange restaurant to have dinner as opposed to going to the "corner deli" for the 100th time? Ever just start talking to the person looking at the CDs at Walmart? Ever just go to a concert by yourself?
yes to all those, and good points. I lived most of my life never stepping outside my comfort shell and it wasn't until I broke out of it that I started feeling like I was living my life. However, I have yet to meet an awesome girl this way. I still find it very difficult to just start talking to a female without a few drinks in me to take the edge off, as sad as that sounds.
My experience on Match in particular is that most of the profiles talk about "committed relationships", "no more games", "looking for nice guy", yadda yadda yadda, but the reality is far more complicated than that.
Totally. Never used match, but okcupid it's in almost every females profile and I think it's BS for many of them as I've met plenty who are just interested in sex yet said they want something real or whatever.
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This is a complicated statement, so bear with me, but on the simplest of levels, you are marginalized because you allow yourself to feel marginalized
I can't even.
The comments you are making about me marginalizing you are not new to me. They seem like a combination of the following:
https://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-entitlement/ (section "But I'm Not Like That! Stop Stereotyping!") and
https://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-personal-attacks/ (section "You're As Bad As They Are!")
I have two responses:
https://www.kctv5.com/story/29806858/transgender-woman-killed-after-being-run-over-multiple-times
https://www.thestar.co.uk/news/crime/barnsley-teen-burned-to-death-on-his-18th-birthday-1-5521116
Did Tamara Dominguez (the woman in the first story) allow herself to be marginalized by accepting a ride from the person who went on to murder her? Tell me, who should I get into cars with?
Until things like this start happening to conservatives, you have no right to call yourselves marginalized. Period.
Look, not that I care much about whether others are bored (they can skip the posts just as easily as read them), but here's the one point I'll leave you with:
Life experiences happen to PEOPLE, not "liberals" or "conservatives". Marginalization happens to PEOPLE, not "liberals" or "conservatives". The genome doesn't say "whoa, we're going to be liberal when we grow up, so let's be GAY!" It doesn't work that way. My father - handicapped for most of his life, and conservative - didn't get to opt out when he was told at job interviews "yeah, well, we were looking for someone a little more... healthier".
I don't need quotes and articles and cites to know how I feel. I refuse to let someone else determine how or what I feel. That doesn't mean I fight them, it doesn't mean I only date people that "make me feel safe", it doesn't mean I ignore them, it doesn't mean I don't compromise, but I take ownership for what happens to me, good and bad.
I've not been condescending to you, I've been nothing but respectful. That I didn't buy into your philosophy or tell you what you want to hear doesn't mean it's disrespectful. I wish you nothing but the best, I really do. But here's the thing: you've been nothing BUT disrespectful to me, to my way of thinking and to the ideals I hold true, but rather than feel "marginalized" at your blanket rejection of anything that doesn't agree with your way of thinking, I accept it for what it is, another human being with thoughts and feelings (go figure). Perhaps next time you might want to think about that when you're doing your own marginalizing.
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I know for me, and I've said this before, I just talk to people. At the first conversation, it's an open book. Black, white, young old, tall, short, hot, not, just engage. What's the worst that happens? She tells you to fuck off, and you're no worse than when you started. Middle of the road, you have a new friend. Best case, you're knocking boots by sunrise. I'm fascinated by people, and I've found that every person - EVERY person - has a story. Some are sad, some are fun, some are boring, some are fascinating, but you don't know unless you play. I feel like we (and I speak of myself here as well) make our own ruts. Have you ever just walked into a strange restaurant to have dinner as opposed to going to the "corner deli" for the 100th time? Ever just start talking to the person looking at the CDs at Walmart? Ever just go to a concert by yourself? Nothing happened, because I was already involved (though not yet engaged), but I went to see Extreme on a lark at the local casino, ended up moving down to better seats, started talking to two girls there, one bolted to try to get backstage (???) and I ended up chatting with the other; we both talked about our partners at length, yet at the end of the show, she clearly invited me to the bar in the casino for a drink. I don't know what - if anything - would have happened, but it's a start.
I think this is something we're all told at some point, especially if we can't figure it out for ourselves, for whatever reason. But, all the details matter. Do you think your interaction at the concert would have been different if you were single? Maybe your mentaliity would have been different if you weren't already in a comfortable relationship.
That's a PHENOMENAL question, and I think about that. I don't know, to be honest. If it's different, it's subconscious, but that's not to dismiss the point. Though I will say this (and again, this isn't anything I've not said here before), immediately after my divorce I would go to my local bar and sit at the end of the bar and do crossword puzzles, and still talk to anyone who came by, and at that point I was painfully single. But it was a relatively safe environment. I don't know. I do know it is a "muscle" though; you force yourself at first, and it becomes easier. And not to sound fake or calculated, but it becomes easier because it's different people, so you can use the same opening if you need to. :)
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Life experiences happen to PEOPLE, not "liberals" or "conservatives". Marginalization happens to PEOPLE, not "liberals" or "conservatives". The genome doesn't say "whoa, we're going to be liberal when we grow up, so let's be GAY!" It doesn't work that way. My father - handicapped for most of his life, and conservative - didn't get to opt out when he was told at job interviews "yeah, well, we were looking for someone a little more... healthier".
You see, that's the point I was trying to get at from the beginning. No one is marginalized for being conservative, or for being liberal for that matter. Liberalism and conservatism are political ideologies, and unfortunately we live in a time where people hold their political philosophies so dearly that they believe they are not open to criticism.
I am aware that there are conservatives marginalized for any number of reasons: disability, race, poverty, sexuality, gender identity... to me this is doubly sad. It's sad because they are marginalized, and even more sad because they have bought into the very dynamic that others them, and very often pass that dynamic down to other marginalized people within their same demographic. They deserve compassion like everyone else. Everyone deserves compassion.
But who you date is another story. To me, the political is not a private matter; it is something that affects human beings. I was homeless earlier this year, and it was very difficult for me to find good services where I felt safe that would help me get back on my feet, because I am a trans woman and at the time, I did not pass very well. Private charity did not give a fuck about me. Public charity did not give a fuck about me. People who were straight and not trans had, and continue to have, a much easier time getting back on their feet. While homeless I worked in the Capitol, being paid less than minimum wage under the table by the people who run this country, but was not allowed to wait all night at Union Station before work, even if I bought food or a drink. I was sexually assaulted by a restaurant owner who pretended he was trying to help my situation, inviting me into his home under the pretense that he was going to give me a job and a place to stay. Fairly soon after I started getting things back together, I learned that the Republican Congress had just cut funding for helping homeless LGBT people. Funding that, as far as I could see, was already not nearly enough. This is something very personal to me; it's not Lincoln-Douglas Debate, it's people's lives.
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I think we are Looking for the same things but mine in a man, Just that i am Looking for a nice, Honest, Kind and Caring man, a man that will Love and be with me for the Rest of my Life...I am looking for a man, who has a great desire to create his own family. He should be kind, honest, and sincere. I’m looking for a man who will stay his family on the first place and will do everything for its happiness. He should understand family isn’t a game and creation of it is a serious step for both partners. I’m looking for a man who’ll fall in love with me and make me happy. I can promise I’ll do everything for his happiness too,..
Am not looking for someone to date but someone to spend the of my life with,All i need from you is just being sincere to me,make me feel secured,appreciate,love,care and being understanding,All my life has been engolfed with misery and loneliness,i watch my life layed wide spread in front of me and didn't know what to do with it,my life has been so boring and hope with someone who is ready to Love me for who i am now it's gonna change for the best
I had to put this up. Is this for real? Also, keep in mind, this person's pics show a hard 10. Think blonde Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. No man with working eyes would not look twice. It's the combination of that fact, coupled with the broken language and stories of misery and loneliness that seem way off. I initially expressed my thoughts about the authenticity of the profile, and I got a "Have a nice day" reply. I decided to try and get the convo back on track cuz I'm, at best, curious. This person asked what I was looking for, so I asked the same. This is what I got. I feel like one of those people trying to keep it going with the Nigerian scammer.
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Wow, that's an awful lot of "I am looking for a man..."
I will say, I have yet to deal with anyone on okcupid that I had to question if they were real.
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I have a date Friday with the college student... going to a vegan restaurant for lunch and coffee :) Actually she may have graduated and hasn't updated her profile, I'm not sure.
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I have a date Friday with the college student... going to a vegan restaurant for lunch and coffee :) Actually she may have graduated and hasn't updated her profile, I'm not sure.
Nice, I guess you will find out soon enough. Have fun!
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I have a date Friday with the college student... going to a vegan restaurant for lunch and coffee :) Actually she may have graduated and hasn't updated her profile, I'm not sure.
There's a discussion point. Are you also vegan? Or is your diet remotely related to that idea? I think I could never seriously date a vegan or vegetarian. It's polar opposite of my diet, which consists of virtually no vegetables. But, I've gone on a few dates with a girl that has a self-admitted 7 year old's palate. Her favorite meal is hot dogs and mac & cheese, and she doesn't eat an extensive and surprising list of items. Knowing that my diet is what it is, I can't hold that against someone. But I think I'm objectively looking at how this would effect our relationship moving forward.
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I would say I'd struggle to date someone who's diet is opposite of mine vs. someone who's political views are opposite of mine. One thing I missed about having a girlfriend was always going out to eat sit down dinners. Now that I am single, I will take a date out but that's not nearly as consistent as when I was with my x and I've also met a few girls who did not enjoy eating out so I'm not crazy about that idea either.
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I like eating out, but I can't stand the cost. I'm getting cheap with my old age. Victoria and I went out last Friday. Pizza, an appetizer, and beers cost $70 before tip. Fucking craft beer bullshit. I hate it. I HATE IT!!
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I am aware that there are conservatives marginalized for any number of reasons: disability, race, poverty, sexuality, gender identity... to me this is doubly sad. It's sad because they are marginalized, and even more sad because they have bought into the very dynamic that others them, and very often pass that dynamic down to other marginalized people within their same demographic. They deserve compassion like everyone else. Everyone deserves compassion.
Of course they do. But there you go again: there is nothing about "conservative" that inherently marginalizes anyone. My dad didn't "buy into" anything. He wasn't "marginalized", because he didn't let himself be marginalized. Certainly, there are assholes who do marginalize, and some of them are in the conservative ideology, but just as many are in the liberal ideology.
But who you date is another story. To me, the political is not a private matter; it is something that affects human beings. I was homeless earlier this year, and it was very difficult for me to find good services where I felt safe that would help me get back on my feet, because I am a trans woman and at the time, I did not pass very well. Private charity did not give a fuck about me. Public charity did not give a fuck about me. People who were straight and not trans had, and continue to have, a much easier time getting back on their feet. While homeless I worked in the Capitol, being paid less than minimum wage under the table by the people who run this country, but was not allowed to wait all night at Union Station before work, even if I bought food or a drink. I was sexually assaulted by a restaurant owner who pretended he was trying to help my situation, inviting me into his home under the pretense that he was going to give me a job and a place to stay. Fairly soon after I started getting things back together, I learned that the Republican Congress had just cut funding for helping homeless LGBT people. Funding that, as far as I could see, was already not nearly enough. This is something very personal to me; it's not Lincoln-Douglas Debate, it's people's lives.
Okay, and with my deepest (and sincere) respect for your circumstances, I can't respond to this without it truly devolving into a political debate, without even the slightest nod to dating. Suffice to say, identifying the problem is three quarters of the battle of finding a solution, and if you misidentify the problem you'll likely fail to get a good solution. The Republicans are not your problem.
I hope you find someone that respects you as a person. Everything else, in my limited experience, is gravy on the plate, and every person deserves at least that much. Good luck to you. Sincerely.
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I like eating out, but I can't stand the cost. I'm getting cheap with my old age. Victoria and I went out last Friday. Pizza, an appetizer, and beers cost $70 before tip. Fucking craft beer bullshit. I hate it. I HATE IT!!
So true, one of the reasons also why I had less money when I was with my x than I do now. It just really sucked that I went about 2 months without seeing someone so those two months I never went out for a nice meal one on one with a lady, something I very much enjoy.
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I like eating out, but I can't stand the cost. I'm getting cheap with my old age. Victoria and I went out last Friday. Pizza, an appetizer, and beers cost $70 before tip. Fucking craft beer bullshit. I hate it. I HATE IT!!
WORD! We've taken to making the cooking be part of the 'date night'. I know that sounds old and fuddy-duddy, but there really isn't an option. We've got four kids between us (three that live with us) and to take five people out more than once a week is starting to sound like "vacation".
Thankfully, I like to cook, and the kids like to actually sit and have dinner without TVs and tablets (though we can't quite shake the cellphones) so it works.
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Cooking dates can be really romantic and awesome too. I had a few of those this year and everyone ended up in my bed. I can't really speak about the family and children aspects though, so I can only imagine how much more money and less romantic that would be.
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my old age. Victoria and I went out last Friday.
If you run for the Senate, I'm telling her to leave you for her safety.
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Victoria and I usually cook dinner together 2-4 nights a week depending on our schedule. I'd so much rather do that.
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I have a date Friday with the college student... going to a vegan restaurant for lunch and coffee :) Actually she may have graduated and hasn't updated her profile, I'm not sure.
There's a discussion point. Are you also vegan?
Yes, and I refuse to date people who eat meat for very similar reasons to what I have already discussed at length. If they are a vegetarian then I will go on a date with them, but they would need to become a vegan if they want a relationship.
Actually, ths is a great way of illustrating my point: meat eaters may not hate animals. They may love animals; they may have pets, they may be part of animal protection groups and their whole life could be devoted to helping animals. In fact, every meat eater even is an animal (except the Venus Flytrap and certain bacteria)! But the practical result of what they do is that they exploit and hurt other animals. This is why I can't date them, regardless of where their heart may be.
This is a very common attitude among vegetarians and vegans, by the way, so I wouldn't worry too much about having to decide whether or not to date one.
Okay, and with my deepest (and sincere) respect for your circumstances, I can't respond to this without it truly devolving into a political debate, without even the slightest nod to dating. Suffice to say, identifying the problem is three quarters of the battle of finding a solution, and if you misidentify the problem you'll likely fail to get a good solution. The Republicans are not your problem.
I agree, the Republicans are not my whole problem. They are part of my problem. So are the Democrats. So are the Libertarians. So are the Independents. So are the Greens and the Democratic Socialists, for that matter, and so are the Marxist-Leninists and the Trotskyites, but at least their hearts are in the right place.
I believe that anyone who thinks change is possible within the current system is my problem. This is why I could not date a Democrat, either. As I said very early on in this conversation, I consider the Democrats to be centrists, which is just as bad as being a conservative.
With that said, I believe that you are sincere.
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You're going to run out of date options soon with you having so many check marks on why you cannot date this person or that person.
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You're going to run out of date options soon with you having so many check marks on why you cannot date this person or that person.
My screening process is currently
Alive? [Yes/No]
And I'm debating whether I should reduce it a bit
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You're going to run out of date options soon with you having so many check marks on why you cannot date this person or that person.
My screening process is currently
Alive? [Yes/No]
You putting so many restrictions on the dating pool like Sub Luna is?
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You're going to run out of date options soon with you having so many check marks on why you cannot date this person or that person.
My screening process is currently
Alive? [Yes/No]
You putting so many restrictions on the dating pool like Sub Luna is?
Fine, no restrictions!
Pure unadulterated necrophilia it is! ;D
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:lol
If it floats your boat!
Never close yourself off because of such minor things like politics. Get to know someone first. Why people let their preconceptions rule their world is not the way to live.
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You're going to run out of date options soon with you having so many check marks on why you cannot date this person or that person.
My screening process is currently
Alive? [Yes/No]
And I'm debating whether I should reduce it a bit
Awful narrow; you should have an open mind. I know a girl if you want her number...
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:lol
If it floats your boat!
Never close yourself off because of such minor things like politics. Get to know someone first. Why people let their preconceptions rule their world is not the way to live.
To each their own, but politics is not an issue for me in a relationship. I actually gravitate towards people who don't necessarily follow my way of thinking. (I was thisclose to dating someone who is a bigwig in state Democratic politics, except I opted to see what happened with the girl I had just met, who turned out to be my wife). One, that's a great way of disappearing up your own asshole, and two, we're supposed to be a team, so she fills in where I'm maybe lacking and vice versa, and that includes politics. I suppose there is probably something that might be lumped into "politics" that might be an issue, but even for the big things: I'm not an evangelist. I would never opt for an abortion myself, but I am pro-choice. That's likely never going to be MY decision, it's hers, and if I'm a man of integrity, I have to live with her choice. Granted, if she just wanted to sit on the couch and live off welfare, I'd have issue, but it wouldn't be a political one, it would be a lifestyle one.
I believe in the individual; as long as the person is true to themselves, and doing what they're doing for the right reasons, I'm usually good.
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Amen. I wanted a girl who was strong, independent and her own thinker. So if her politics is different, no big deal.
Almost 21 years later, we are still together.
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:clap:
I will not limit my dating options to certain political views (and have dated some fairly conservative dudes) but there are certain views that are deal breakers for a "serious" relationship. Like, bigoted ones. We can still fuck though. Same goes for religion- I'm not going to turn somebody down because s/he feels differently than I do, but there's also no way in hell I'm going to have a long-term relationship with a born again Christian who's going to try and "save" me.
As for differences in diet, not a problem. I'm not much of a meat eater but I've dated people who are really into it. No big deal. Vegan? Fine (although I think anybody who chooses not to eat cheese is insane), as long as you're not a pompous ass about it. Anybody trying to impose their own beliefs/way of life onto me is not a match.
Speaking of food:
Cooking dates can be really romantic and awesome too. I had a few of those this year and everyone ended up in my bed.
How... many of you were there?
Anyway, I just got back from my date a little bit ago and it went well. We... messed around. And then I made him listen to a bunch of Steven Wilson while naked :lol
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Pictures or it didn't happen Jackie. :lol
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You're going to run out of date options soon with you having so many check marks on why you cannot date this person or that person.
It hasn't been a problem yet; I have more date options than I have ever had in my life. That's why I'm being so selective. If I had a very small number of prospects, I could not afford to be as selective as I am being now... but right now I honestly just have to whittle down the list. It's very hard to filter the people who message me on dating sites, approach me in public, etc.
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Well that I get but don't limit yourself. You might want a strong opinionated partner. That's all!
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Alright thanks :)
I'm honestly sick of talking about this. I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow... she seems like such a genuinely normal, nice and proper person.
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:clap:
I will not limit my dating options to certain political views (and have dated some fairly conservative dudes) but there are certain views that are deal breakers for a "serious" relationship. Like, bigoted ones. We can still fuck though. Same goes for religion- I'm not going to turn somebody down because s/he feels differently than I do, but there's also no way in hell I'm going to have a long-term relationship with a born again Christian who's going to try and "save" me.
As for differences in diet, not a problem. I'm not much of a meat eater but I've dated people who are really into it. No big deal. Vegan? Fine (although I think anybody who chooses not to eat cheese is insane), as long as you're not a pompous ass about it. Anybody trying to impose their own beliefs/way of life onto me is not a match.
But isn't your last sentence really the important one? I can date any religion or political bent, but even if it was just the toilet seat position, once my partner starts to disrespect what got us together in the first place, and starts to decide that she knows better what's for me, we're going to have a problem. I'm not talking about lame-o "disrespect" you hear on TV all the time, I'm talking about real, honest respect, the kind that is earned, not given, and the kind that if real helps smooth over difficult times. I'm interested in my partner's views, and my partner is an equal one, but I'm not in a relationship to be converted to ANYTHING, be it Christianity, vegan-ism, or group sex. Okay, maybe group sex. Probably group sex. But besides that.
Anyway, I just got back from my date a little bit ago and it went well. We... messed around. And then I made him listen to a bunch of Steven Wilson while naked :lol
I'm having trouble forming the visual on that, and frankly, I'm kind of grateful. :)
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Alright thanks :)
I'm honestly sick of talking about this. I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow... she seems like such a genuinely normal, nice and proper person.
Then just be the same. Enjoy the moment, and it'll work out if it's meant to work out. Good luck!!!
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Cooking dates can be really romantic and awesome too. I had a few of those this year and everyone ended up in my bed.
How... many of you were there?
Only two, never had a threesome or anything. The "everyone" meant every one of those types of dates.
Never close yourself off because of such minor things like politics. Get to know someone first. Why people let their preconceptions rule their world is not the way to live.
I pretty much agree with this and one of the reasons why I dislike people who's online profiles list all the things they do not want "Dont message me if you...." I get people don't like certain things, but you are really narrowing the pool of potential partners down and may be missing out on great people that you could probably really enjoy being with even with a flaw or something you dont like. No one is perfect so everyone is going to have something negative against them anyway.
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Alright thanks :)
I'm honestly sick of talking about this. I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow... she seems like such a genuinely normal, nice and proper person.
Then just be the same. Enjoy the moment, and it'll work out if it's meant to work out. Good luck!!!
I'm a lot more normal than I used to think I was, I can be nice and will work on proper. I'm not sure when though. Thanks!
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We... messed around. And then I made him listen to a bunch of Steven Wilson while naked :lol
I'm going to look for a job in Denver :hat
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:lol
Come join us on the green side.
:clap:
I will not limit my dating options to certain political views (and have dated some fairly conservative dudes) but there are certain views that are deal breakers for a "serious" relationship. Like, bigoted ones. We can still fuck though. Same goes for religion- I'm not going to turn somebody down because s/he feels differently than I do, but there's also no way in hell I'm going to have a long-term relationship with a born again Christian who's going to try and "save" me.
As for differences in diet, not a problem. I'm not much of a meat eater but I've dated people who are really into it. No big deal. Vegan? Fine (although I think anybody who chooses not to eat cheese is insane), as long as you're not a pompous ass about it. Anybody trying to impose their own beliefs/way of life onto me is not a match.
But isn't your last sentence really the important one? I can date any religion or political bent, but even if it was just the toilet seat position, once my partner starts to disrespect what got us together in the first place, and starts to decide that she knows better what's for me, we're going to have a problem. I'm not talking about lame-o "disrespect" you hear on TV all the time, I'm talking about real, honest respect, the kind that is earned, not given, and the kind that if real helps smooth over difficult times. I'm interested in my partner's views, and my partner is an equal one, but I'm not in a relationship to be converted to ANYTHING, be it Christianity, vegan-ism, or group sex. Okay, maybe group sex. Probably group sex. But besides that.
:lol
True that. I was initially nervous about dating a Christian in college and we did argue a bit, but that was even sort of fun. As long as he didn't try to convert me I was okay with it. When things got serious I did start to wonder "Hmm, if we were to settle down, would this be a barrier?" but it never got to that point because I realized at some point I was not into settling down at this juncture.
Anyway, I just got back from my date a little bit ago and it went well. We... messed around. And then I made him listen to a bunch of Steven Wilson while naked :lol
I'm having trouble forming the visual on that, and frankly, I'm kind of grateful. :)
It was awesome.
Only two, never had a threesome or anything. The "everyone" meant every one of those types of dates.
I sort of realized that's what you probably meant as I was typing that reply, but I figured it would still be funny :P
So this guy is sometimes bad about getting back to me via text. Not the end of the world, but it would be nice to know he at least got the message. We sent "thank you for a good time" texts to each other this morning and then I tried to start the conversation about when to meet up next (we're both super busy and if I don't plan shit my week will fill up) but he never replied. *shrug*... it will happen eventually.
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Well you already know he is bad at responding so I guess just give him time.
I wont lie, I am so damn impatient. I start to get annoyed when I don't get a response, specifically when it's something more important. Although if you get to know someone and know they don't respond timely then you can kind of accept it.
I wouldn't say I have a dilemna, but I am kind of nervous. The girl I've been seeing is coming to my BBQ on Saturday. I invited her because she knew I was having it and I didn't want to make her feel unwanted since I actually do like her and I know she would have fun, but I did not want to have to deal with introducing her specifically to my family, but also to all my friends at once. My parents even told me previously that if a girl I was seeing was going to be there that they would want to know (my parents are very nosy). Essentially I just don't really want to deal with any awkwardness that may occur although everything could be completely fine and more than likely will be. I just don't want to ruin things I guess and I feel like this is an opportunity for that to happen even if that's not my intentions at all. I think I am just going to have to consume more alcohol.
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I just don't want to ruin things I guess and I feel like this is an opportunity for that to happen even if that's not my intentions at all. I think I am just going to have to consume more alcohol.
Wow, if that isn't a self-fulfilling prophecy, I couldn't name one. :)
It'll be awkward if you make it awkward. Quick introduction, "Mom, Pop, this is Jane" and be done with it. When in any doubt, say "Ooops, have to check on the grill; don't want to burn the chicken!" Does she expect to be treated like the girlfriend at this shindig, or is she coming as a new friend with potential?
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I just don't want to ruin things I guess and I feel like this is an opportunity for that to happen even if that's not my intentions at all. I think I am just going to have to consume more alcohol.
Wow, if that isn't a self-fulfilling prophecy, I couldn't name one. :)
It'll be awkward if you make it awkward. Quick introduction, "Mom, Pop, this is Jane" and be done with it. When in any doubt, say "Ooops, have to check on the grill; don't want to burn the chicken!" Does she expect to be treated like the girlfriend at this shindig, or is she coming as a new friend with potential?
Yea, totally a self fulfilling prophecy and I need to not make that happen. I think you just don't understand my mother... it's never so easy as basic introductions. My mother will ask very detailed and personal questions. That's just the way she is, which is why I never introduce a female to her until we are in a more comfortable position. I guess with more people, over 20 have said they are coming, it makes it easier to just blend in and not get stuck talking to my mother. But none of my friends know her either, she is going to stand out essentially and I definitely have to be running the grill as well as mingle with everyone as the host so I can;t be by her side or anything, she is definitely outgoing so I think she will be fine in that regards... I would just cringe if I was grilling and then saw her speaking to my mom. The fact that I do not know if she wants to be a girlfriend or not and that we have not had a conversation about "us" makes me wonder if that will play a factor. I think not though, I already plan on introducing her as my friend, not anything more to avoid my moms questions, but I think she would agree about that anyway.
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I am not sure when the last time I went on a proper date was. I think it must have been 2013. I sort of had a date in July of this year, but considering we had already planned to spend the weekend together right after the date, it was more like a "Let's make sure we feel safe before having furious sex all weekend" type thing.
The last time I was on a date with a woman was even longer ago. Actually, I do not know if I have ever been on a proper date with a woman. I'm really not the dating or relationship type of person, and not sure why I'm even trying to do this. Most of the times I have had sex, I had just met the guy at a bar, and sometimes we didn't even leave the bar to have sex. Sorry if that's too much information... just saying, I'm clueless about what to do.
And I know this is going to sound like a really cliché joke, but who's supposed to pay? I honestly don't even know.
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Just try to be yourself and have fun, go with the flow. I think you should offer to pay and split the bill. I personally like to pay for the woman, but really appreciate when the woman offers to pay.
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I am not sure when the last time I went on a proper date was. I think it must have been 2013. I sort of had a date in July of this year, but considering we had already planned to spend the weekend together right after the date, it was more like a "Let's make sure we feel safe before having furious sex all weekend" type thing.
The last time I was on a date with a woman was even longer ago. Actually, I do not know if I have ever been on a proper date with a woman. I'm really not the dating or relationship type of person, and not sure why I'm even trying to do this. Most of the times I have had sex, I had just met the guy at a bar, and sometimes we didn't even leave the bar to have sex. Sorry if that's too much information... just saying, I'm clueless about what to do.
And I know this is going to sound like a really cliché joke, but who's supposed to pay? I honestly don't even know.
My girlfriend (our two year anniversary is next week) paid on our first date. She excused herself to go to the bathroom and she slipped our waitress her credit card on the way. I didn't expect that. I was happy and gladly excepted as our we had already scheduled date #2 for the following night at a much more expensive place :lol
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I am not sure when the last time I went on a proper date was. I think it must have been 2013. I sort of had a date in July of this year, but considering we had already planned to spend the weekend together right after the date, it was more like a "Let's make sure we feel safe before having furious sex all weekend" type thing.
The last time I was on a date with a woman was even longer ago. Actually, I do not know if I have ever been on a proper date with a woman. I'm really not the dating or relationship type of person, and not sure why I'm even trying to do this. Most of the times I have had sex, I had just met the guy at a bar, and sometimes we didn't even leave the bar to have sex. Sorry if that's too much information... just saying, I'm clueless about what to do.
And I know this is going to sound like a really cliché joke, but who's supposed to pay? I honestly don't even know.
My girlfriend (our two year anniversary is next week) paid on our first date. She excused herself to go to the bathroom and she slipped our waitress her credit card on the way. I didn't expect that. I was happy and gladly excepted as our we had already scheduled date #2 for the following night at a much more expensive place :lol
Notwithstanding Chino's story (which is excellent, by the way) etiquette is the asker pays for the first date. Absent that, it's less clear, but I would offer to pay the tab or at least offer to split (though I personally would offer to pay the whole thing and have the conversation about it). The worst thing you can do is a) leave the table after the meal to go to the bathroom unless you're planning awesome like Chino's date, and b) argue over the check. If you offer to pay half and they insist on paying the whole thing, let them. If you at least offer to pay half and the other person is arguing the other way, they are a tool and you want nothing to do with them.
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It never ends well if the guy doesn't want to pay his half. I've heard storys from enough women to know that is usually where things end and it makes sense, no one wants to be with someone who can't even take care of themselves.
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I ended up paying and she left the tip. She had insisted on paying, but I just figured that being 7 years older than her and knowing so much more about the world, I should probably pay, because even if I'm more broke, I shouldn't be.
It was a great opportunity to talk to her about the things I was passionate about... she had a lot of questions about me, seemed to find me very interesting, and I was happy to indulge her... it always helps when both people are trans, because the conversation manages to go beyond questions like "WTF is a trans?"
That said, I am pretty convinced now that I do not like girls.
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That said, I am pretty convinced now that I do not like girls.
Well, that's the point of dating, to figure out what you like (and hopefully have fun in the process).
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Funny thing is I was supposed to have figured this out a long time ago... every once in a while, though, I have to ask myself again, "Do I like girls?"
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I just had a first date with someone cool. Good chemistry, good conversation, overlapping similarities. I didnt necessrily expect it to go so smoothly, but the age/generation gap wasnt there. It was interesting because she's a therapist, and I'm a very open person that's very curious about people in general, so our conversation was very open. I felt like she was as, or more, interested in me than anyone else I've been out with recently. I can talk a lot, which she noticed but didn't mind. I think she was happy to sit with someone that could talk. It felt like an easy four hours. I said I had a great time, but didn't say anything about doing it again. It just feels hollow to me lately, like a stock thing I should say, she says sure that's sounds fun, but then who really knows what's gonna happen. But I do, I think we will, and I'm sure gonna try.
And here's where things could get tricky. I'm scheduling a third date with someone else, something active like hiking or the beach. I like this person, and I have no idea what's gonna happen with girl2. I don't wanna keep anybody "on the hook", but I don't think it's at that point. I guess I just need to let things play out. If I keep seeing both, I imagine I'll lean one way.
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Yeah, don't worry about that right now- those things tend to work themselves out. Yay for a good date :D
I'm considering temporarily deactivating my OKC account. It's just getting annoying, all the messages. I guess I could just ignore them all, but I'm not sure I'd be able to.
On a different note, earlier I was thinking about a conversation I had with that dude on our date Wednesday. We were talking about relationships and why we both like not being really deep/serious with one person. We were talking about jealousy and he said he doesn't really experience it because the way he sees it, he can't offer a girl everything. He's not into sports or the oudoors, so if she has somebody else to do that stuff with, awesome. I agree. If a guy I'm seeing also likes girls who are super girly or who smoke a lot of pot or like to go fishing, let him date another girl who's into those things- I'm not going to pretend to be.
I also mentioned the burdens of putting all your eggs in one basket with relationships, and why I don't like it. I don't like that type of responsibility being put on me, and I don't like who I am when I'm putting it on somebody else. He said that when he's with one person he becomes "a bottomless pit... and not in the good way" :lol
And I totally get that. The guy I was dating up until June, he felt like a bottomless pit. He relied on me for his happiness, and I was not comfortable with that. He would even say things like "I feel so much better about myself because of you," and I really didn't like that. Really that's just saying "I have shitty self-esteem, but because you're into me I feel better about myself... and you need to keep making me feel that way." :|
So the point is, I like where I'm at right now. I date a few people, I don't see any of them too often, and I get lots of Jackietime. I don't want to be too serious with anybody, I don't want to see anybody daily or live with them or any of that stuff. I just wanna do me and I want them to do them, and when we hang out it's awesome, then we both go back to our lives. When I start to get too invested in one person I don't really like the person I become. Not to mention what happened the last time I REALLY threw myself into one person (who ended up being engaged but didn't tell me and was a total fucked up manipulator and, later, meth addict).
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I'm considering temporarily deactivating my OKC account. It's just getting annoying, all the messages. I guess I could just ignore them all, but I'm not sure I'd be able to.
I've been feeling similarly. Not sure it's worth wading through all that for the occasional OK date. Better to just go out into the world and meet people.
Dating feels so unnatural, so artificial, so pretentious. It feels like an imitation of The Spectacle (https://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/debord/society.htm)... and that sort of thing really bothers me when I feel like I'm playing into it.
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Women really do have a completely different experience with OKC.
Bottomline, you do you and you shouldn't let another person change that, good for you for sticking to that and being open about it.
It felt like an easy four hours.
Just like a great epic song feels shorter in time, a great date feels so quick and easy when its over.
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Two thoughts on two different things on this page:
1) The guy should offer to pay first in a hetero date. If the person who has been offered to pay for (the woman in my example) isn't interested in a second date, they should offer to pay their half (we can't be meal tickets). However, offering to split shouldn't necessarily mean "I'm not interested in another date", and whether to split or let the other pay really depends on the total situation.
2) Ladies - since you get so much crap from douchebags on dating sites, I would suggest you message a guy that catches your interest first. It allows you to filter the sea for what you are looking for, and you will likely get a response because we don't get the booty call requests (at least I don't) and other crap messages.
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Yeah to point 2 ^
I'm just sick of chasing women round, because (I dunno it's because of all the douches they get messages from or that they aren't interested) there's never a reply or if there is just awful vague replies with no emotion, I'm just sick of it.
Yeah it would seem that women have a completely different experience, it's a catch 22 situation, Women rarely approach first as they get approached and guys don't get approached so they approach :lol
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My bbq was so much fun and just really made me feel like this girl is special. She came in and just mixed right in with my friends and family. We had a blast and I couldn't spend so much time with her in the beginning but as it got later and people started to leave we got to enjoy each other's company. I feel so good about her and where this is leading.
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:D
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A few weeks ago, I talked about a girl that I had gone on a couple of dates with. Well, I went to a dance last Friday and she was there. We danced a few times and while there aren't any major developments from last time, I still feel really good about it.
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An online friend offered to buy me a ticket to Florida with the intent of having a fun little vacation. I would like to go to Florida, especially over the Winter...
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I find that whole conversation about paying for meals on dates fascinating. I guess there's a huge different in cultures in the US and Sweden? I would never in a million years pay for the whole meal with someone on the first dates. Off course we'll split it! I'm not even going to suggest otherwise and if she so much as suggested I should pay for it just because I'm the guy, she's probably a douche.
Off course, this doesn't apply if for example it was her birthday or some kind of occasion, that goes without saying. But if it's a regular meal with two, grown-up human beings, living in an equal society it's a no brainer for me - we split the tab.
As for staying on topic: I've been single now for a little over six months now after a two year relationsship. The breakup turned out to really devastate me, so I've been really avoiding meeting new people. But I feel now it's time so I've begun to talk to a few different people on dating sites, so we'll see how that goes. I almost feel like I've forgotten how to be flirty. :lol
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My bbq was so much fun and just really made me feel like this girl is special. She came in and just mixed right in with my friends and family. We had a blast and I couldn't spend so much time with her in the beginning but as it got later and people started to leave we got to enjoy each other's company. I feel so good about her and where this is leading.
You tied up mom in the closet, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU???
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An online friend offered to buy me a ticket to Florida with the intent of having a fun little vacation. I would like to go to Florida, especially over the Winter...
I'm not your Dad, and it's not my business, but ... be careful. Please. That to me would sound too good to be true, and there are far too many examples of things that sound too good to be true usually turning out that way.
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On a different note, earlier I was thinking about a conversation I had with that dude on our date Wednesday. We were talking about relationships and why we both like not being really deep/serious with one person. We were talking about jealousy and he said he doesn't really experience it because the way he sees it, he can't offer a girl everything. He's not into sports or the oudoors, so if she has somebody else to do that stuff with, awesome. I agree. If a guy I'm seeing also likes girls who are super girly or who smoke a lot of pot or like to go fishing, let him date another girl who's into those things- I'm not going to pretend to be.
I also mentioned the burdens of putting all your eggs in one basket with relationships, and why I don't like it. I don't like that type of responsibility being put on me, and I don't like who I am when I'm putting it on somebody else. He said that when he's with one person he becomes "a bottomless pit... and not in the good way" :lol
Legit question: is there a middle ground to that? I mean, I totally understand that you can't really get all things from one person, and I have my things that are "mine". I don't really need my girl to like all the music I do, since a lot of it I like to listen to alone in the car. I don't need her to be into PlayStation, since that is part of how I decompress. Likewise, there are things she does that I'm not interested in, and which I know I can't bring any enthusiasm or insight to. But the notion of "being better with someone" doesn't have to mean "being reliant" on someone. And I think (I've not thought about it consciously) I've used that as the sort of dividing line between people who are not for me, and someone who is. I want a partnership, I want monogamy, but I don't feel like "bottomless pit" with my wife. I'm "better" with her but for positive reasons, not needy ones. I get happiness from her, but I don't get MY happiness from her, if you get my distinction. Isn't, perhaps, that the trick to finding the right person?
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Yeah, I agree on one hand but I also just don't personally want to be monogamous, so it's not quite the same. I can also be "better with" three people instead of one :P
And of course there is a middle ground, I'm just saying I've been in too many situations where it didn't work out that way. Like the one guy who would tell me I made him feel so much better about himself. This guy has shit self-esteem, and he was definitely basing his self-worth on the fact that he was in a relationship, which is highly problematic to me. Having a girlfriend doesn't make your problems go away, and if that's the only thing you're basing your happiness on, things aren't going to end too well. I'm not saying monogamy in general makes one a bottomless pit, but maybe certain people/personalities have the tendency to get that way when they put all their eggs in one basket. Or maybe certain people are okay with that kind of arrangement (lots of creepy codependent relationships out there, I think we can all agree). I'm just not.
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My bbq was so much fun and just really made me feel like this girl is special. She came in and just mixed right in with my friends and family. We had a blast and I couldn't spend so much time with her in the beginning but as it got later and people started to leave we got to enjoy each other's company. I feel so good about her and where this is leading.
You tied up mom in the closet, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU???
lol either I was too drunk to notice or my mom was on very good behavior.
An online friend offered to buy me a ticket to Florida with the intent of having a fun little vacation. I would like to go to Florida, especially over the Winter...
I'm not your Dad, and it's not my business, but ... be careful. Please. That to me would sound too good to be true, and there are far too many examples of things that sound too good to be true usually turning out that way.
Im with Stadler here, just be careful if you have never met this person. I've done weekend trips with people I've met online and I thought that was borderline too far for someone I hardly knew, that was a bit of "living on the edge" as I felt, but my risk taking is not terribly high. I would be scared to fly somewhere to meet someone for the first time, but you didn't specify if it was a first time meet up, just online friend so maybe its all good.
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Yeah, I agree on one hand but I also just don't personally want to be monogamous, so it's not quite the same. I can also be "better with" three people instead of one :P
And of course there is a middle ground, I'm just saying I've been in too many situations where it didn't work out that way. Like the one guy who would tell me I made him feel so much better about himself. This guy has shit self-esteem, and he was definitely basing his self-worth on the fact that he was in a relationship, which is highly problematic to me. Having a girlfriend doesn't make your problems go away, and if that's the only thing you're basing your happiness on, things aren't going to end too well. I'm not saying monogamy in general makes one a bottomless pit, but maybe certain people/personalities have the tendency to get that way when they put all their eggs in one basket. Or maybe certain people are okay with that kind of arrangement (lots of creepy codependent relationships out there, I think we can all agree). I'm just not.
I'm sorry; I didn't mean to imply that "monogamy" was the be all and end all. That's just what I was looking for at this time. Obviously, unless my math skills are off, if monogamy is not your thing (and no judgment if it isn't), one partner isn't going to cut it. :)
I was going more towards the "esteem" side of things. I think we're not far apart in our thinking: I tend to think there are a LOT of needy people out there, and I know for me, while I'm compassionate, I'm not really here to be the basket for someone else to hold their problems in. I was just trying to ask about whether you thought it was possible to walk that line between "being better with a partner" (good, in my opinion) and "relying on your partner for your self-worth and happiness" (bad, in my opinion). It sounded a little like you might have thought it was a slippery slope and wasn't that realistic to think that.
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One of my AA friends put it in a really obscure yet oh so appropriate way that I've seen so many of my past friends exhibit (and some women...but mostly men who love to be down on themselves): "That girl and relationship is not your higher power, don't treat it or her as such." It seemed a blown out of proportion comment to me at first but when I really thought about it...some guys totally do that. Like Jackie said, if a person has low enough self-esteem, that whole BS of "you make me feel so much better about myself" isn't actually about the other person in the relationship, it's about Mr. I'm-So-Down-On-Me and the fact that he (again, or she) feels better because he thinks that he's now somehow better because of the relationship itself (or going further for some friends I used to have, because they feel more manly/confident/egotistical simply because of the fact that a girl is into them...not because of the girl herself...because of the existence of a relationship at all).
Just my own personal experiences so no one take this to heart, please. But I can definitely see how that'd be problematic, and from what I've seen, it almost always is. As they say, you gotta do it for yourself (whatever it is...getting better from health issues, self-esteem issues, any issue at all, really) and not for what the other person wants from or for you and certainly not because the relationship makes you feel like you have a purpose. As a teen I never got this concept and thought "Well, if the relationship makes me feel better about myself, so what"? Well...the so what is that...it's hollow and meaningless. If a relationship is your sustenence for your own self worth...something is fucking wrong. Some deeper issue that should be resolved through personal introspection and not inside of her pussy.
Sorry...totally went off on a tangent there. I've been dealing with some seriously skewed people recently on top of making some big changes in my life. Now that I'm doing shit for me, it's tough for me to not get holier-than-thou sometimes and I need to remind myself that I was once there. It's just tough when you're talking to a guy that's 10 years older than myself and he's dealing with issues I dealt with when I was in highschool... Eh. To each their own. Life experiences happen at a different point for us all but it's extra annoying when said life experiences usually happen around the formative years, not a mid-life-crisis. :lol I'm absolutely ecstatic to be single right now and to be able to concentrate solely on myself and my own issues, which are as vast as the god damn universe, and that is infinitely more difficult to deal with when a relationship gets between all of that (rather for me, it's impossible, in every sense of the word). It's nice to read people's experiences with others and that some of the guys I'm sponsoring are having very similar issues. I've always told anyone that is having any kind of crisis and they're casually dating...focus on yourself before you even attempt an actual relationship because it's going to be like juggling a thousand things with one arm; again, for myself it'd be like having no arms. No one needs that kind of stress or to put themselves in that situation.
Again, apologies on the random long thoughts. :lol Men have a hard time grasping that some fucking solitude doesn't always equate to loneliness. You don't always have to be knee deep in pussy or gallivanting around like you're 20 when you're nearing 40. Dating? Okay, if you don't have a plethora of personal issues and/or if you feel like it won't hinder personal growth. Acting like the super cool dudes on Jersey Shore? It's time for a wake up call.
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Well, the important point to remember is that it is like touching a hot stove. You can tell someone until you're blue in the face "don't touch that; it's HOT!" but dammit, until they actually do touch it, they're never going to really know. You just sort of have to hope they don't mash their hand down on it so bad it sticks to the griddle.
For me, I don't equate "single" with "alone"; well documented that I prefer - even now, married - doing certain things alone. I am in no hurry to "convert" her to my music, so many concerts are a solo affair, and I am ready willing and able to go see Star Wars: The Force Awakens by myself.
But for me, while I am painfully conscious to not use her to SOLVE my problems, sometimes having a sympathetic partner to ground me while I solve my own problems is helpful. She can facilitate the solution without actually BEING the solution. Kind of like a cast while you have a broken arm. I AM better with her than without, but that doesn't mean I can't survive without her. It just means that we have both contributed to each other's personal growth. That's what I was referring to.
There is also the mythology of this. We live in a society of "You complete me!", and that doesn't help things.
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There is also the mythology of this. We live in a society of "You complete me!", and that doesn't help things.
Maybe the new wording should be "you complement me"
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Great analogy! :lol Love it. True enough, you really can't expect anyone to think logically while they're in the midst of that honeymoon, lovesick dilemma till, as you said, they figure it out the hard way.
Right, there's definitely a 's/he makes me a better person' aspect that can be great, but the whole 'you complete me' thing is spot on. It really irks me to no end when people say they can't live without another person. I get it, I get the meaning behind it...it's still annoying. :laugh:
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Yes, exactly. All of what Jorge said is pretty much how I feel. Stadler, I guess I meant in some cases it can be a slippery slope but definitely not all. I agree that you can totally be better with somebody in a relationship as long as, like you said, you're not expecting that person to solve all of your problems and whatnot.
I'm also in that place where I have so much of my own shit to work on that I have no interest in a deep/serious relationship. Because I know I can't bring a lot to it. I don't have the time or energy and I'm carrying a lot of baggage that doesn't need to be dumped on somebody else. This goes for monogamous or otherwise. I know plenty of people who are polyamorous who have several serious and committed relationships. Like my one friend who is married, then also has a girlfriend he spends a ton of time with, and has some other people he sees here and there as well. I don't even want that kind of arrangement right now (and am not sure I ever will- it's a lot of fucking work). I just want to do me, work on my own shit, and when I want to go on a date I have that option but without the "commitment" part of it. There's no expectation that we have to see each other a certain amount or owe each other anything. At some point in the future I may very well feel differently and want a bit more, but right now I think it's a bad idea.
Tonight I saw one guy that I only see maybe once a month because he's in school and I'm super busy, but when we hang it's like no time has passed and we have a blast. I dig that.
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That moment when you come home to find that the person youve been striving to fix things with is out with another guy and you're left alone to your own depression and alcohol
lots of alocohl
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you're left alone to your own depression and alcohol
lots of alocohl
I don't know if you are joking or not, but I think the best attitude people can develop towards alcohol is to never drink alone. Alcohol is only a solution in chemistry class.
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I usually drink alone. At least getting full fledged drunk.
Honeslty the last time I drank was social... it was the drunkest Ive ever been (except for maybe right now), and I actually enjoyed myself. It was actually the first time since my 21st bday I got drunk socially.
Usually its like tonight, Depressed and alone. I killed off every bottle of liquor in the house.
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Jay, that is not a good thing. I wont lie, I've drank alone before on many occasions. Drinking does not solve your problems, in fact, it does nothing to even help with your problems other than give you a moment of good feeling which will quickly fade and leave you feeling worse when it's over. I don't want to preach or anything, but I think you need to look at your situation differently. Seeing the person you love or like or have put a lot of effort into go off with someone else hurts, a lot. Coming home and drinking it away won't lead to her coming back nor will it lead to you being in a better position to get her back or to find someone else. It takes time, money, and energy to get drunk, if you put those resources into something else like working out (which helps get your mind off things and ease stress) then you are more likely to come out on top at the end. It's ridiculously tough to change your mind set, but you can do it and I think you will be happier if you did. Oh, and this is coming from a guy who was so depressed with his last relationship that I drank alone almost every night on a 3 week business trip last year and ended up with a DUI and a night in LA jail resulting in over 80 hours of AA, group therapy, and counseling where I learned a lot about how alcohol does not solve any problems. I learned my lesson, hopefully you can figure this out before you go down a slippery slope.
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I will say this, you just got the news and I get drinking that immediate pain. When it becomes a daily routine because of the pain then that's the problem.
Hang in their my friend.
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Great analogy! :lol Love it. True enough, you really can't expect anyone to think logically while they're in the midst of that honeymoon, lovesick dilemma till, as you said, they figure it out the hard way.
Right, there's definitely a 's/he makes me a better person' aspect that can be great, but the whole 'you complete me' thing is spot on. It really irks me to no end when people say they can't live without another person. I get it, I get the meaning behind it...it's still annoying. :laugh:
I'd like to add to this...when I met my current girlfriend I definitely had a "I feel better about myself" phase. Prior to meeting her I was going through a very hard time (death of my brother, ex cheated on me soon after) and was not in a good place. I had taken almost 2 years to figure all of that out, and had made really big strides, and then met my girlfriend. I felt better about myself because it seemed like validation that I had put in the time to make myself a better person and comfortable with who I am, so in that sense I don't think that feeling was hollow or anything, but actually beneficial.
Now, I wouldn't say "you complete me" or Anything like that because I'm my own person now, and though I love her I have the tools to go it on my own now if things were to sour for some reason or another. Meeting her was something that I didn't realize I needed I guess because it proved to me that I was on the right path in my "recovery."
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I usually drink alone. At least getting full fledged drunk.
Honeslty the last time I drank was social... it was the drunkest Ive ever been (except for maybe right now), and I actually enjoyed myself. It was actually the first time since my 21st bday I got drunk socially.
Usually its like tonight, Depressed and alone. I killed off every bottle of liquor in the house.
As other have said, I can totally understand and relate taking to the bottle when you get such news. I've done the exact same thing. But take GREAT care not to let it become a habit. It will make you more depressed and it will in turn make the bottle seems even more an attractive "solution". It's a bad spiral you don't want to get caught in.
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By the way, a question to everybody who's ever been dumped: did you ever get completely over your exes?
What I mean is - if you're the one to break off a relationsship, you've probably already stopped loving your partner but if your partner breaks up unexpectely with you, it seems so much harder. And for me, even close to impossible.
Both my exes broke up with me because their feelings just went away. And as pathetic as it may sound, I still love both of them and would go back to any of them in a heartbeat were any of them to take me back. And I can't see me ever getting completely over any of them.
With my first ex, I just sort of...stopped thinking about her. But I never stopped loving her, if that makes any sense. It didn't stop me from being able to have a second super happy relationsship with another person and I would certainly never have left her for my first ex. But yeah...I cant see me ever just stop loving someone.
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By the way, a question to everybody who's ever been dumped: did you ever get completely over your exes?
I've only had three relationships that would warrant the girl to have the label "ex". The other relationships were quick flings where we were both mutually testing the waters.
When shit hit the fan with the first girl I ever truly cared about, life went to shit really fast. I was 17 and found out because I got bumped to the #2 spot on her Myspace Top 8. I still remember seeing it like it was yesterday. Pretty sure my heart skipped a few beats in the following seconds. That put me into a good two year funk. I spent the first six months trying to get her back, and the rest of the time self loathing. In time things improved. Her and I are on fine terms today. I like bumping into her around town and catching up.
Dated Girl #2 for almost a year. I knew in the months leading up to it that breaking up was inevitable. Breaking it off was hard, but I got over that one relatively quickly. There was a girl prior to her at my work that I used to have a crush on, and once relationship #2 ended, we quickly became fuck buddies. I don't want to encourage that type of behavior, but it made my situation a million times easier. After about a month of fucking around, I told this girl that I wanted more. She basically said she had no desire to date, but for me to feel free to keep using her vagina. That actually was harder to deal with than breaking up with girl #2.
If my current girlfriend (#3) and I were to split, pending on the circumstances, I can't even begin to think about how that's going to make me feel. I like to think I'm a strong person and have decent control over my emotions, but if I went home tonight and she ended the relationship, life would get dark really quickly. I don't know how I would function or even be able to get out of bed. First thing I'd do would probably quit my job. There's nothing anyone could say that would help or make me feel better.
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I've actually never been on that side of a relationship. All of my serious ones (one 9 year, one 2 year) I ended and the shorter relationships I mostly ended or the ones that she ended on me were not any situation where we were in love so even though I was upset, I dont think those qualify for your scenario for me to be able to answer, however, the two women I broke up with clearly had/have a hard time with it. Both of them I think would take me back in their lives (maybe that is my ego speaking since one is married with a child, but she has been stalking my facebook like crazy lately and she confessed the last time we did see each other that she always thinks about me and sex with anyone else is not the same).
I think at the end of the day, if you love someone, it isn't just going to disappear just because the other person no longer feels the same.
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That moment when you come home to find that the person youve been striving to fix things with is out with another guy and you're left alone to your own depression and alcohol
lots of alocohl
Brother, I know exactly how you feel as I just came through the other end of a hellish rabbit hole that involved me attempting to mend things with my ex and a bout of relapse from my sobriety and...it wasn't worth it. But almost the same situation... Thing is, she has two kids and their father is not around...when we first met, I essentially became their dad because we immediately connected and I immediately felt an immense amount of love for them and that love only grew. Then...I started drinking heavily, which led to our current position of her saying things like "I love you more than anything, as do my kids, but..." and the but leads to worries about me relapsing and how much pain my drinking has caused them. After seeing her date other guys, the pain is quite indescribable. But I know I did it. It's all on me. It's something I'm still accepting even though I'm now at a point where I'm so over alcohol I'm not even worried about relapsing; it's a point that is a 'if I drink, I die'.
Of course, I'm not saying you're an alcoholic. But what others said is something I'll echo ten million fold. Don't turn to the drink to ease your pain because it's not going to work. It just won't. You may think it is, you may even feel better when you're drinking and KNOW it is, but eventually it will hit you that it's just hurting yourself (and perhaps others). Please don't become someone you hate like I did. Perhaps you can control it, but perhaps not... All I'm saying is that the slope you're on now isn't just slippery...it's covered in vaseline and gasoline and that alcohol is a lit match. Some people can drink heavy one night and then be totally fine and go back to their normal routine...but it's when a person drink emotionally and turns to it in times of pain/stress/anger/sorrow that something more sinister lies beneath.
Anyway, I don't mean to preach, I really don't. But I've been there, and I know the pain is more severe than any kind of physical one. So just...know that it's alright to feel that way, but it would behoove you, mentally, physically and emotionally, to at least attempt to mend yourself without alcohol during those times. I can truly say from an immense amount of experience, it will (eventually) only compound those feelings and will fracture your state of mind; then it will only be that much harder to accept whenever you do sober up. Stay strong and know that you're an awesome dude and that while the situation is horrible and it's painful...it will pass. It will. Then you'll be on your way to finding someone new and you'll be glad that you rose above the pain to make a shitty situation good and you'll be stronger, smarter, and better for it. It took me a long time and SO MANY fucked up situations to realize all this and I still don't know jack shit about anything. But I do know one thing unequivocally...alcohol makes it all worse. Perhaps you're the kind of person that can drink and control it...if so that's awesome and I am truly jealous ( :P ); but even if you are, drinking at times when you're an emotional wreck is not a good idea even if you're in control. I personally can't do any of it anymore...but even when I was drinking, in the back of my mind I knew all this and denied it..
Seems I'm back to writing my big ass posts. Apologies if it's annoying. I suppose I need to let it out at times as well. Stay strong, Jay. It'll get better, even if it feels like walking on cinders right now, you can pass this up and come out the other end a better man.
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Making it worse is the fact she was like texting when she got home. And got annoyed because I didn't wanna talk to her.
Honestly drinking scares the fuck out me. I've got a family history full of addiction. My mom is an alcoholic. Last night scared me. My thoughts. My feelings. Scared the fuck outta me.
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Being completely serious here...
Switch to cannabis. If you're going to bring substances in to try and keep your feelings in check, that will do way less damage to you than booze.
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Making it worse is the fact she was like texting when she got home. And got annoyed because I didn't wanna talk to her.
Honestly drinking scares the fuck out me. I've got a family history full of addiction. My mom is an alcoholic. Last night scared me. My thoughts. My feelings. Scared the fuck outta me.
Same...my mother is still a raging psychopathic alcoholic. Still, I ignored that and kept drinking till 2 DWI's, a few wrecks, a bunch of friends throwing me by the wayside and a near fatal catastrophe hit me and I finally woke the fuck up. You should be scared...it's good to be scared. If you're worried, it means you at least know something bad is boiling, and once that boiling point is reached, it could mean anything, but it's always going to be bad; it's just a matter of 'how bad'. Please feel free to PM me anytime and if you're really in the throes of worry about your drinking, I'll give you my cell number and you can call/text anytime. Maybe you haven't reached that point, and I hope you don't, but if you can't get it under control just know it's there if you need a helping hand.
I personally wouldn't recommend any type of drug at all, be it alcohol or weed, during times of emotional stress because it will skew your thoughts on the matter. Granted, I agree about weed being the much lesser evil than alcohol, to be sure, but when times of emotional stress and personal introspection come about...it is absolutely best to be clear headed. It's an unarguable fact that any drug, any drug at all, will belie your feelings and your thought process on said subject (girlfriend, death of a loved one, job stress etc. x infinity). If you have to, sure; but for me, anything foreign will screw up my train of thought and I'll be in even worse shape when I eventually have to get sober and attempt to think straight and look at things in light of day, clear-headed. It'll just make it that much worse once that time comes. (plus for an addictive personality like me, when I was high I wanted to drink, and when I drank I wanted to get high; but I realize not everyone is like this, but that's how it is for me, so I cannot recommend said procedure)
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Anything that numbs me like that scares me shitless.
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By the way, a question to everybody who's ever been dumped: did you ever get completely over your exes?
What I mean is - if you're the one to break off a relationsship, you've probably already stopped loving your partner but if your partner breaks up unexpectely with you, it seems so much harder. And for me, even close to impossible.
Both my exes broke up with me because their feelings just went away. And as pathetic as it may sound, I still love both of them and would go back to any of them in a heartbeat were any of them to take me back. And I can't see me ever getting completely over any of them.
With my first ex, I just sort of...stopped thinking about her. But I never stopped loving her, if that makes any sense. It didn't stop me from being able to have a second super happy relationsship with another person and I would certainly never have left her for my first ex. But yeah...I cant see me ever just stop loving someone.
This isn't a yes or no question. I've been broken up with once, I've had a relationship that sort of flirted with being real but didn't (though I DEFINITELY wanted it to) and my wife filed for divorce from me. Of those three, the first, over. Wouldn't go back. Second, always wonder what if. Third, over. Wouldn't go back. I don't know; the first really broke my heart at the time, and it was rough, but I met new people, and each person I've met has shown me something I didn't know before, and that first relationship has revealed itself to be what it was: two kids figuring out what "love" is. I definitely told her I loved her, and meant it at the time. But I don't know that I could look you in the eye and say "that was the one". As for the second, well, if I'm honest, the "love" part is the same; I said it, I meant it, but I don't know that I knew the full parameters of what I was saying. But I've rationalized it that I didn't miss out on her, I just didn't find out the limits of being with her. They are two different things. There is no guarantee it would have turned out like "The Notebook", or whatever.
I'm open to the fact that my experience is not like others, but I don't understand the idea of meeting someone at 18 or 20 or 22 and fixating on that person for the rest of my life. I'm not - and haven't been - 22 for a long time. So how could I have known then what I'd need today? I know my current wife accepts me as I am, which is the cumulative experience of all those years, including age 22. So I don't know how that is not better than pining away for the memory of someone.
It's not to say I've ditched them - the words to the end verse of "Evidence of Autumn" by Genesis are relevant here - but they are what they are, a nice memory of the past, but of no bearing in my present.
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Making it worse is the fact she was like texting when she got home. And got annoyed because I didn't wanna talk to her.
Honestly drinking scares the fuck out me. I've got a family history full of addiction. My mom is an alcoholic. Last night scared me. My thoughts. My feelings. Scared the fuck outta me.
Sorry man, that must be tough to deal with, but knowing your family history you need to be extra careful. Almost everyone I have met in an AA meeting was there because their parents were alcoholics. You are predisposed to becoming one. Just be careful, you seem like a good guy and I wouldn't wish anyone to go down that road.
Being completely serious here...
Switch to cannabis. If you're going to bring substances in to try and keep your feelings in check, that will do way less damage to you than booze.
I am way more of a smoker than a drinker. In a way I do agree with this because alcohol is a depressant and marijuana is not, but like Jorge, I don't think I can recommend any drug when dealing with your emotions. You need to feel them and bounce back naturally which you WILL do.
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By the way, a question to everybody who's ever been dumped: did you ever get completely over your exes?
What I mean is - if you're the one to break off a relationsship, you've probably already stopped loving your partner but if your partner breaks up unexpectely with you, it seems so much harder. And for me, even close to impossible.
Both my exes broke up with me because their feelings just went away. And as pathetic as it may sound, I still love both of them and would go back to any of them in a heartbeat were any of them to take me back. And I can't see me ever getting completely over any of them.
With my first ex, I just sort of...stopped thinking about her. But I never stopped loving her, if that makes any sense. It didn't stop me from being able to have a second super happy relationsship with another person and I would certainly never have left her for my first ex. But yeah...I cant see me ever just stop loving someone.
This sounds like me... Almost, Too much like me...
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i don't really call anyone an "ex", but i have been passionately involved with a number of people on both an emotional and sexual level at the same time, and i still talk to the vast majority of them. earlier in life it seemed much harder to believe that i could ever just be ok with the absence of such people. i'm 30 now and it's just like, when i'm connecting with someone and then it ends, i make the decision to withdraw for a while before achieving a renewed sense of total independence from them, at which point i look them up again, because if i connected with someone then there is really no use in losing them as a friend... unless they have previously committed some form of violence against me, in which case i do my very best to avoid them at all costs.
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By the way, a question to everybody who's ever been dumped: did you ever get completely over your exes?
What I mean is - if you're the one to break off a relationsship, you've probably already stopped loving your partner but if your partner breaks up unexpectely with you, it seems so much harder. And for me, even close to impossible.
Both my exes broke up with me because their feelings just went away. And as pathetic as it may sound, I still love both of them and would go back to any of them in a heartbeat were any of them to take me back. And I can't see me ever getting completely over any of them.
With my first ex, I just sort of...stopped thinking about her. But I never stopped loving her, if that makes any sense. It didn't stop me from being able to have a second super happy relationsship with another person and I would certainly never have left her for my first ex. But yeah...I cant see me ever just stop loving someone.
This sounds like me... Almost, Too much like me...
Well, good to hear I'm not the only one. I was starting to think so. :lol
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Speaking of which I'm trying to do the (apparently) worst move...
Getting back with the ex...
2 years ago I was in what can only be described as the perfect couple. I was head over heels in love and she was all I needed, we were great together personality wise and everything you can think of (at least to me)
Then out of what appeared from nowhere she left me and it tore me apart, as I see justified by the above.
We've talked off and on since on friendly terms around 6 months after.
I never really stopped loving her, she was the ying to my yang so to speak.
So I've decided I'm going for it all in.
I've just realised how creepy this sounds but it's supposed to be romantic I guess ???
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Don't do it. That is a dangerous dance.
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Don't do it. That is a dangerous dance.
I'm aware, however she's the only person I really want to be with and I've no other prospects really,
The worst that can happen is that it doesn't happen or I end up in the same place I am now
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Physically in the same place... but mentally? Do you know for sure where you will stand mentally?
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Don't do it. That is a dangerous dance.
I'm aware, however she's the only person I really want to be with and I've no other prospects really,
The worst that can happen is that it doesn't happen or I end up in the same place I am now
No it isn't. There's a worse place. But I'm not so ignorant to think you can be talked out of it by some people on a forum; hell, you probably couldn't be talked out of it by your real life friends who know you and the situation. That's the way our emotions work, it makes us stupid. (And I am absolutely not calling you stupid; I'm going through similar trials except I'm fighting wanting to get back and I won't, but that doesn't mean I don't want to or that the feelings aren't there, so I know...as I'm sure every other swinging dick in this world does)
But this right here says it all: "and I've no other prospects really". That...ignoring the blindness of love or anything close to the sort, should've stopped you in your tracks. That lone thought, even if it was in passing, is a really bad sign that it's gone to shit before it's even started. Loneliness does that to a person. However, even if you aren't lonely, the thought of having no other prospects (which more than likely isn't true to begin with...there's always someone out there even if you haven't seen them or met them...there are ALWAYS prospects...but you've gotta look first...hard) can drive a man to go with the best bet, and having a past makes it really hard to see things clearly...perhaps impossible. Memories can really fuck with you. It also doesn't bode well that the relationship ended 'out of nowhere'. Everything ends, and there is always a reason. Always. Whatever the problem was, chances are it'll still be there even if the honeymoon phase cloaks it completely for a period of time. I've always been of the mind that exes are exes for a reason and we're meant to learn from our mistakes and move on. But again...I'm one that always has to learn the hard way; every fuckin' time. So with that...
I hope it turns out okay but if I were a betting man.... (I have no idea what is up with all these gambling metaphors...I don't even gamble)
Let us know how it goes. Perhaps you'll prove the age-old rule wrong. But it's an age-old rule for a reason...
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Seems I'm back to writing my big ass posts. Apologies if it's annoying.
No, it's not. We're wading on different ends of the same pool, but I TOTALLY get where you're coming from. With you, it was/is an addiction to substances legal and not so legal to dull the pain. With me, I was stuck emotionally. I felt I didn't deserve to be with anyone with qualities similar to my father because of being drawn to people with similar qualities to my emotionally abusive mother. Regardless... I wouldn't wish either of our pain on anyone. It's been a hard road to walk, but I don't regret it because it puts me in better touch with myself and keeps me believing that I'm not as bad a person as I was told when I was growing up after my folks split. Kids that young (I was 6 when their divorce was finalized) are still sponges and I believed the hype so to speak. It took me until I was 19 to fully and completely believe and KNOW that my folks splitting up wasn't because of me in any way. I'd been living with my father for three years at that point, but those things you're told as a child... they really stick with you. Hell... I'm still wading through it even now. The difference now as opposed to then is that I know that I am worthy of investing time in myself, and my baggage gets lighter with every realization.
I do still have my bad days. Everyone does. But Jay-O... my friend, I have to agree with Jorge here. I know it's hard. But I tell you... you learn SO much about yourself when you have to fight for who you are. It's painful, it sucks, you feel like you just want to give in and give up... NO. NO NO NO. Fight. Fight with all you have, because you don't deserve this pain. No one does. But shit happens and we wade through it as best we can. I'm going to make a similar offer here - if you need ANYTHING.... virtual hugs, a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board... I've been in a similar place. You're a good man, Jay... don't let this shit pull you down to its level.
So... as far as Lynxo's question--I've usually been the dump-ee, not the dump-er. Being dumped really does hurt, but once some time passes I usually realize that the person in question really wasn't worth the time and effort I put into the relationship. Some people are only meant to be in your life to teach you things about yourself, whether it's for a short time or for a long time. If people decide to leave for whatever reason... LET THEM GO.
On the other hand... I went through a break up of an 8-year relationship late last June. I've only just now gotten to the point where I feel comfortable having him as a FB friend again. I did tell him that I needed time to refriend him, which I recently did. A lot of his friends and my friends question the both of us about why we still keep in touch with each other. Well... 8 years is a long time, and... he and I started out as friends. I probably wouldn't do things differently given a redo either because even though I was the one who asked for the breakup, I learned so much about myself during and after it. We both agree that we're much better as friends anyway, and he's the only ex that I can say that about. Usually when a past relationship has fallen apart.... it's done. Not this time. We did build some good memories together, and we had good times in the 8 years we were together. It just didn't work out after that. No harm, no foul, no bad feelings. He also taught me that I can do that with my friends as well, that some people are worth a second chance.
I don't know... sometimes I feel like I'm making this shit up as I go along. :lol
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Funny how you bring up ex's and facebook. I never unfriended or was unfriended by my x. I personally don't care, I feel I'm a nice enough of a guy and she is a nice enough girl (even if we werent nice enough for each other or whatever) that we can be respectful to each other on social media. We have had no issues with that and don't talk or communicate so it's not big deal from my point of view. I am also friends with almost every girl I have dated since my x on facebook. Well a few of the girls I met thought it was really weird to still be friends with my x, one even said she was uncomfortable with it. So I am wondering is it normal to stay friends with x's on facebook? I want to say yes it is, but I guess it also depends on how things ended. Now that I think about it, I am still friends with my x's from before my 9 year relationship x.
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I don't think getting back with an ex is a great idea, but then again, I've never done it. They are an ex for a reason, I just move on. So what if you don't find anyone for a while? Make yourself happy first, that's the most important thing. Before anyone can make you happy you have to do it on your own, or else it's unhealthy. Looking back at my ex's, they were both lovely people, but obviously not for me. Use that as experience moving forward, trying to go back and dwell on the past usually turns out to be a shitty choice. Just my 2 cents.
But, our minds love to play tricks on us and make us think that we HAVE to be with that ONE girl because she's the only one I can ever love. Which is false. But hey, we all need a dose of reality at some point.
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I would not necessarily say drinking to take the pain away is always a bad thing, but when you have a parent who is an alcoholic it's dangerous territroy. But I disagree that pot is any better. They both suck in large quantities.
As for the ex thing, I guess I have mostly been the dumper in my adult life. I was dumped several times in my teens, one of them a guy I felt I loved. But I was 15 and am long over that shit. It might be different now. But definitely can't think of one ex I'd get back together with... unless it was an ex fuck buddy, maybe.
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I was dumped twice, both for reasons not even in my control. One fell out of love, the other used a lame ass excuse to get with another guy. So that right there just tells me there's no way in hell I'd ever get back with them. The past is the past, and it should stay the past.
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I admire you people for being able to let go and move on with your lifes. I always found that super hard. I mean, I can still think about friends I had several years ago that I lost contact with, and wonder where they are now and if we could be friends again.
So maybe this whole thing for me personally isn't so much about love, but rather about focusing too much on the past.
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And speaking of this the girl I first slept with after my x just texted me after not talking for almost 9 months saying she's been thinking about me.
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I've been reading a lot about grief lately, because a friend of mine committed suicide (as mentioned in the Depressed/Angry Thread). According to what I have been reading, grief-like states are experienced not only after a death, but also after a breakup, loss of a job, traumatic experience or in any number of similar situations. Also according to these same sources, the best way of ensuring that you get over grief as quickly as possible and don't cause any long-term damage to your psyche is to allow yourself to feel it. So even if you're not an addict/alcoholic/whatever, hold off on the booze or pot until you've moved on, and then go nuts. (P.S. If temporarily abstaining from a substance sounds hard to do, you might want to talk to someone about that.)
I don't know how reliable such sources are, but it seems like in the past I have always done the exact opposite of what they say, so this time I'm trying to do it the way they ask me to, and it's too early to know if it will work any better.
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Why's it all so complicated,
Why Cant I just say "hey, I like you, want to try this out?"
But instead you have to play stupid chasing games and relationship politics :yeahright
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I admire you people for being able to let go and move on with your lifes. I always found that super hard. I mean, I can still think about friends I had several years ago that I lost contact with, and wonder where they are now and if we could be friends again.
So maybe this whole thing for me personally isn't so much about love, but rather about focusing too much on the past.
Even though I can let go, I still don't necessarily find it easy. But I find the older I get, the more convenient it gets. After my first bad breakup, I never wanted it to end, and that was just a few years ago. But I just look at everything as an experience, and unfortunately, a lot of them don't last as long as you want. I think that kind of molds you into the person you are today though. As a result of these two breakups, I've discovered what I've wanted to pursue in school, I've learned a ton about my emotions and what I really need, and I think I'm just a better person than I was before.
I try not to look at losing contact with people as a bad thing. Yeah, you've lost contact, but that just means it wasn't meant to be. I guess I'm a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason.
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Don't do it. That is a dangerous dance.
I'm aware, however she's the only person I really want to be with and I've no other prospects really,
The worst that can happen is that it doesn't happen or I end up in the same place I am now
So why is any of that her problem? She voted. You're off the island. Absent anything else, why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with YOU?
Sorry if that is harsh, but I'm dealing with this with a family member now. And here is the rationale I gave her: you're 16. You're in high school, so you are, effectively, listening to 5 CDs and only those songs. Say, 75 songs (meaning there are 75 guys in your "world", more or less. Slim pickings). Then you go off to college or get a job, and you now have 20 CDs, and only those songs. Say 300. (More guys, but still slim pickings). Then you go off to the real world, and you have... Spotify. An unlimited resource of guys to choose from, and your only limitations are how strong is your search engine.
Personally, knowing what I know now, I would force myself to travel in different circles. Go to a different bar. Hang with a different group socially. You know how some people say "I make my luck"? Like that douche from Titanic? Make your own prospects. None of this is easy, or even fun, but it sure beats a broken heart.
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I don't know... sometimes I feel like I'm making this shit up as I go along. :lol
I'm being dead serious here: if you DON'T feel that way, you're doing it wrong. We're ALL making it up, as our experiences and open-mindedness allow. There are SO few experiences that are TRULY unique in this world. They all feel unique, because they are new to us, and so we have to feel our way, but... we're ALL feeling our way.
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I admire you people for being able to let go and move on with your lifes. I always found that super hard. I mean, I can still think about friends I had several years ago that I lost contact with, and wonder where they are now and if we could be friends again.
So maybe this whole thing for me personally isn't so much about love, but rather about focusing too much on the past.
Well, here's a point that gets missed: I never said it wasn't hard, and I never said that I don't wonder, too. It's what you do with it, and I don't let it overwhelm. Is Michael Jordan the only great basketball player? Nope. Petrucci the only great guitar player? Nope. So what makes you think that girl is the ONLY one that can give you what you want/need (especially since she has, apparently, told you she doesn't want to give it to you)? I do tend to be a person that looks to the future positively, and I am a curious person, so there is always something that can take my mind off things. I'm like a dog that way; "Hey, look! Shiny things!" But I still have to go to sleep at night, and that moment when all the lights are off, the TV is off, and I'm in bed but I haven't actually fallen asleep is usually the hardest, because that's when the mind wanders.
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Why's it all so complicated,
Why Cant I just say "hey, I like you, want to try this out?"
But instead you have to play stupid chasing games and relationship politics :yeahright
Um, do you believe in "signs"? Maybe you should...
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Don't do it. That is a dangerous dance.
I'm aware, however she's the only person I really want to be with and I've no other prospects really,
The worst that can happen is that it doesn't happen or I end up in the same place I am now
So why is any of that her problem? She voted. You're off the island. Absent anything else, why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with YOU?
It's not her problem, hence why I said "worst that can happen is that it doesn't happen"
And if she doesn't want to be with me she'll say no...
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Why's it all so complicated,
Why Cant I just say "hey, I like you, want to try this out?"
But instead you have to play stupid chasing games and relationship politics :yeahright
Um, do you believe in "signs"? Maybe you should...
Yeah obviously, but signs can be easily misread, which can make a very awkward and bad situation
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I don't know... sometimes I feel like I'm making this shit up as I go along. :lol
I'm being dead serious here: if you DON'T feel that way, you're doing it wrong. We're ALL making it up, as our experiences and open-mindedness allow. There are SO few experiences that are TRULY unique in this world. They all feel unique, because they are new to us, and so we have to feel our way, but... we're ALL feeling our way.
:tup
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I don't know... sometimes I feel like I'm making this shit up as I go along. :lol
I'm being dead serious here: if you DON'T feel that way, you're doing it wrong. We're ALL making it up, as our experiences and open-mindedness allow. There are SO few experiences that are TRULY unique in this world. They all feel unique, because they are new to us, and so we have to feel our way, but... we're ALL feeling our way.
Aw. I really needed to read that, thank you. :heart
Lynxo--it's not that the letting go happened overnight. It took some wading through, being depressed, feeling down, and like Sub Luna said - allowing yourself to grieve.
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It's not her problem, hence why I said "worst that can happen is that it doesn't happen"
And if she doesn't want to be with me she'll say no...
No, I'm talking on another, more metaphysical level. I mean put yourself in her shoes. If you were with someone and you mustered up the courage and strength to bare your soul to them and tell them "look, I know this hurts, but it's time for me to move on." do you REALLY want them to be like a little puppy and say "Ok, so, um, after the next chance? Right? One more shot, right? Because I love you!" What about HER feelings? Do you even care what she's feeling?
Yeah obviously, but signs can be easily misread, which can make a very awkward and bad situation
I didn't mean "sign" from her; nothing to be "misread". Again, I'm talking metaphysically; you're clearly bemoaning your circumstances. Maybe it's time to not keep doing the same things over and over again expecting a different result. Not EVERYONE plays chasing games and relationship politics. A lot of that is immaturity. Make that your deal breaker. Yes, it may reduce the field a little, but for all my issues with relationships (and I've had a few, including a divorce), I've made it a point to jettison the "games' players" early on. It doesn't mean the world will be perfect, but it does mean you can focus on things that matter to you.
When you meet a girl, and they start that shit, say "Hey, you're a good kid, pretty, but I'm looking for something more real and honest and the games and politics are not part of that." Boom. Later. You might be surprised.
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When you meet a girl, and they start that shit, say "Hey, you're a good kid, pretty, but I'm looking for something more real and honest and the games and politics are not part of that." Boom. Later. You might be surprised.
When I told my buddy about the girl I was dating changing her tune mid conversation, he said that my response should have just been " k ". I thought ha-ha, but then it hit me. Fucking Brilliant! Where was he when I needed him.
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According to what I have been reading, grief-like states are experienced not only after a death, but also after a breakup, loss of a job, traumatic experience or in any number of similar situations. Also according to these same sources, the best way of ensuring that you get over grief as quickly as possible and don't cause any long-term damage to your psyche is to allow yourself to feel it.
This is all definitely true, but of course grieving is different for everybody. I don't at all advocate regular substance abuse, but I also think it's okay to turn off your brain and feelings every once in a while. If it takes alcohol to do that, well... not that it's a GOOD solution, but as long as it's not a regular thing I don't necessarily think it's BAD. My alcohol use is usually pretty mellow, but I have occasionally just wanted to get drunk and not worry about shit. On the other hand, I have friends who haven't dealt with their shit and drink constantly, and that's obviously not getting them anywhere good.
On the topic of grief: I went to an education session not too long ago for work, and learned about the two styles of grieving- intuitive and instrumental. I won't go off-topic here too much, but basically somebody who is more of an intuitive griever will be more emotional and want to talk about it, whereas an instrumental griever is more reluctant to talk but works things out by DOING. It's pretty interesting.
Why's it all so complicated,
Why Cant I just say "hey, I like you, want to try this out?"
But instead you have to play stupid chasing games and relationship politics :yeahright
I feel you on that. I'm over the whole game thing.
I don't know... sometimes I feel like I'm making this shit up as I go along. :lol
I'm being dead serious here: if you DON'T feel that way, you're doing it wrong. We're ALL making it up, as our experiences and open-mindedness allow. There are SO few experiences that are TRULY unique in this world. They all feel unique, because they are new to us, and so we have to feel our way, but... we're ALL feeling our way.
PREACH!
No, I'm talking on another, more metaphysical level. I mean put yourself in her shoes. If you were with someone and you mustered up the courage and strength to bare your soul to them and tell them "look, I know this hurts, but it's time for me to move on." do you REALLY want them to be like a little puppy and say "Ok, so, um, after the next chance? Right? One more shot, right? Because I love you!" What about HER feelings? Do you even care what she's feeling?
I second all of this. It sounds a bit like my last breakup. He was way focused on himself and had this idea that he was going to "fight for" me, but never really asked how I felt about that.
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Sorry for the double post, but I felt like that last one was long and clunky already. I want to vent.
That guy I met on OKC, the one who I have had four dates with... Sure, there were a few awkward moments but I thought things were going pretty well. We hung out two weeks ago on Wednesday and both had crazy weeks last week so I proposed (via text last Sunday) that we try to hang out this week. He said he would let me know his availability. I didn't hear back from him, so a week later (yesterday) I texted saying I hoped he had a good week and asked if he wanted to try and meet up. I didn't hear anything back, but didn't think too much of it considering his track record with slow responses.
This morning I decided I wanted to go to a movie because I had a pass that needed to be used by Wednesday. The theatre is near him (and we went there on one of our dates) so I texted this morning saying that I would be doing that if he happened to be free tonight. A while later he finally texted back saying sorry he disappeared but that he was busy with school stuff today. I said okay, that I was pretty free this week if he wanted to meet up another day.
His response: "I'll try. I'm running into some poly(amory) drama and may have to lay low a bit."
Wait, whaaat? ???
Me: "Well that's... vague."
Him: "I need to back off of dating for a bit."
So it went from "sorry I've been busy" to "let's not date anymore." Which clearly said to me that he was just using the "poly drama" thing as a copout. I also saw later on that he has reactivated his OKC profile (after telling me on our last date that he needed a break from it). So, you're having "poly drama" and need a break from dating but you've put yourself back on the market. Sure, that makes total sense :\
We only went on four dates- I was not super invested and to be honest felt ambivalent, but I was overall enjoying his company and was given no indication that this was going to happen. The way he handled it just felt very immature and dickish... which I told him. In nicer words. After he said he was sorry, I told him that was a shitty way to handle things and I was given mixed signals. I said I felt like I'd been pretty direct with him (which is hard for me) and it would've been nice to get that back. Of course he didn't respond, but at least I got it out, I guess. I'm just a bit flabbergasted, I suppose. It put me in a pretty shitty mood and I've been kind of emotional all day- not because he broke my heart, but because there's obviously some pent-up shit that's now coming out because of this one upsetting event. Just... if he'd said he had a change of heart or wasn't feeling a spark that would be one thing, but to leave me hanging for over a week and then totally change his tune out of the blue- wtf?? Oy.
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Sorry, what a crappy feeling when you are upfront and the other person is not. I get it is really difficult to tell someone you are moving on regardless of the reasons, but I feel like one should be respectful of the other. We all know that is not the case in the dating game sadly.
Going to be spending Saturday in New York City with the girl I've been seeing. Planned a fun sports filled day (yes, she is into sports so I am not dragging her along, half was her idea half was mine). This was also our back up plan, we were supposed to see Epica but they cancelled the show so we scrambled to make new plans. Start the afternoon off going to the Penn State Alumni bar to watch the college football game (my idea, but she has been following PSU football this season due to my influence) then we may meet up with a couple of her friends who are going to a WWE event at the garden, then we go to the Mets game (she is a big Mets fan), and we finish up with some arcading at Dave N Busters in Times Square before we crash at our hotel and then we do something for the Giants game (we are both big fans) Sunday afternoon. I don't think she has ever had such a fun filled date weekend before so I am looking forward to treating her well and having a really fun time together. If things go well this weekend we may push things a bit further and go to Baltimore to see PSU football play (she is really digging them apparently which is a huge turn on for me) in a few weeks.
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It's not her problem, hence why I said "worst that can happen is that it doesn't happen"
And if she doesn't want to be with me she'll say no...
No, I'm talking on another, more metaphysical level. I mean put yourself in her shoes. If you were with someone and you mustered up the courage and strength to bare your soul to them and tell them "look, I know this hurts, but it's time for me to move on." do you REALLY want them to be like a little puppy and say "Ok, so, um, after the next chance? Right? One more shot, right? Because I love you!" What about HER feelings? Do you even care what she's feeling?
Of course I do, All I’m saying is if I like her and she likes me... where’s the problem?
BTW this isn't a recent ex, so it’s not as if we just broke up and I’m begging for her back...
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It's not her problem, hence why I said "worst that can happen is that it doesn't happen"
And if she doesn't want to be with me she'll say no...
No, I'm talking on another, more metaphysical level. I mean put yourself in her shoes. If you were with someone and you mustered up the courage and strength to bare your soul to them and tell them "look, I know this hurts, but it's time for me to move on." do you REALLY want them to be like a little puppy and say "Ok, so, um, after the next chance? Right? One more shot, right? Because I love you!" What about HER feelings? Do you even care what she's feeling?
Of course I do, All I’m saying is if I like her and she likes me... where’s the problem?
I thinks that's exactly the point Stadler is making. The problem is that she's told you how she feels and made a decision. Don't mistake her civility and friendship for wanting to get back together. Women generally make up their minds about men. That type of persistence will not change her opinion for the better. I hope this doesn't offend you, but you sound young. I remember those feelings when I was 18-22. What do you want to do more, not play games or be with her? If you chose her, let the games begin. Indifference will get you a lot further than the chasing puppy dog. I wish I had a group of people with life experience whispering in my ear at that age. Life would be different...
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It's not her problem, hence why I said "worst that can happen is that it doesn't happen"
And if she doesn't want to be with me she'll say no...
No, I'm talking on another, more metaphysical level. I mean put yourself in her shoes. If you were with someone and you mustered up the courage and strength to bare your soul to them and tell them "look, I know this hurts, but it's time for me to move on." do you REALLY want them to be like a little puppy and say "Ok, so, um, after the next chance? Right? One more shot, right? Because I love you!" What about HER feelings? Do you even care what she's feeling?
Of course I do, All I’m saying is if I like her and she likes me... where’s the problem?
I thinks that's exactly the point Stadler is making. The problem is that she's told you how she feels and made a decision. Don't mistake her civility and friendship for wanting to get back together. Women generally make up their minds about men. That type of persistence will not change her opinion for the better. I hope this doesn't offend you, but you sound young. I remember those feelings when I was 18-22. What do you want to do more, not play games or be with her? If you chose her, let the games begin. Indifference will get you a lot further than the chasing puppy dog. I wish I had a group of people with life experience whispering in my ear at that age. Life would be different...
The circumstances in which we broke up are strange...
as I said this wasn’t a recent ex. Times change.
I’m not forcing her, hell, I'm not forcing myself, if something happens... it happens that’s all there is to it.
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The circumstances in which we broke up are strange...
as I said this wasn’t a recent ex. Times change.
I’m not forcing her, hell, I'm not forcing myself, if something happens... it happens that’s all there is to it.
Well, obviously you are closer than I am, but I can only go by what you wrote, especially in post #782. To me, it still seems like she made herself clear, and you're looking at her actions in the best possible light for your feelings, and not hers.
Having said that, you shouldn't be listening to some jackass with a Kiss avatar on the interwebs. But I will leave you with this: one of the best revelations from "growing up" is the understanding that it becomes (slightly) easier when you see the world as it is, and not how you want it to be.
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(https://i.imgur.com/yPjnmVl.png)
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Is that Tinder?
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^^^ Awesome!
I feel like such a pussy right now. I've pretty much known for like a week that this woman I've gone out with a few times just isn't what I'm looking for. I just don't feel "that" type of chemistry. She's very nice/sweet, I am attracted enough physically, and there are certain things we connect on. But the fundamental feelings that make you want to progress with someone just aren't there. And that's why I feel like a pussy. I have nothing bad to say about her, and I really don't want to hurt her in any way, even though nothing about our interaction warrants her being super attached. But it kinda sucks anytime someone says I don't wanna be with you, regardless of how you feel towards them. Every time I think about asking for advice here, I think to myself that there's nothing to hear from anyone. Just tell her. But then I don't.
I had a second date last night. It's those feelings that I leave with that make me realize the other woman isn't right. Pizza, beer, and bingo. Laughing together when we talk about our past and I mention something at age 15, and she chimes in with a funny smirk, "I was 8." We flipped through the okc questions, and she gave me shit for answering that I find physical attractiveness important. Then she scrolls down and finds she answered the worst part of a first date is not being physically attracted to the other person. Lawyered!
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All style, I guess, but my move is to send the link to Shazam and let her listen for herself. Piece out the puzzle a little bit. Tomayto, tomahto.
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^^^ Awesome!
I feel like such a pussy right now. I've pretty much known for like a week that this woman I've gone out with a few times just isn't what I'm looking for. I just don't feel "that" type of chemistry. She's very nice/sweet, I am attracted enough physically, and there are certain things we connect on. But the fundamental feelings that make you want to progress with someone just aren't there. And that's why I feel like a pussy. I have nothing bad to say about her, and I really don't want to hurt her in any way, even though nothing about our interaction warrants her being super attached. But it kinda sucks anytime someone says I don't wanna be with you, regardless of how you feel towards them. Every time I think about asking for advice here, I think to myself that there's nothing to hear from anyone. Just tell her. But then I don't.
I had a second date last night. It's those feelings that I leave with that make me realize the other woman isn't right. Pizza, beer, and bingo. Laughing together when we talk about our past and I mention something at age 15, and she chimes in with a funny smirk, "I was 8." We flipped through the okc questions, and she gave me shit for answering that I find physical attractiveness important. Then she scrolls down and finds she answered the worst part of a first date is not being physically attracted to the other person. Lawyered!
Not to be all Tony Robbins on you, but you're not a pussy if you trust your instincts, and act on them decisively. You're more of a pussy in my view if you string that first girl along. Let her go off and find her own "second date girl". Or guy. You know what I mean.
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That^
Just scroll up to my last post and DON'T do what that guy did. I know it's hard to break it off (I've been there) but better now than later.
*snip*
Run away!
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I just started texting with her and sent the message. I typed it out, read it like three times, and it seemed to the point. Fuckin do it you pussy! So, I hit send. She said she was glad I said it, and she felt the same way, no romantic connection, it would have taken her another week to say something. We’re gonna try and keep talking with each other as friends. I just need to give people more credit. I just learned a valuable life lesson in the last 10 minutes. Good shit.
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I Cheese Beside You *Snip*
Okay...I can't say anything without looking like an asshole, but I've accepted that I'm a big 'ole brown eye a long time ago so:
I just cannot look at any lyric-based-text or note and not crack up. And I'm sorry. It's not at you. It's ANY lyrics-sent text or any type of immense cheeseball text that has to do with lyrics, but mostly and especially when it's just lyrics... I just don't get it. I can't wrap my head around it. It's just so oddly embarrassing to me. I mean, even when I've had women send me them in the past (granted, it hasn't happened since high-school and I think there's a reason for that), I've just had this horribly embarrassed feeling for them when receiving it and have never responded to them only to get some snarky text the next day (keep in mind: I didn't ask for it, nor indicated any such cheesiness) asking why I didn't respond and would have to say something like 'Sorry, I fell asleep; that was sweet' or some shit when in reality I'm still red in the face with a thought in my mind of "Am I dating a fucking teeny-bopper?" Granted, they'd send me country songs or some shit and to this day it's the one genre that will literally frustrate and annoy the hell out of me. So that didn't help.
Apologies if that comes off as me talking down to anyone who loves that stuff, I'm really not; it's truly that I do not get it. There is no realm in this universe in which I cannot see that as just being so horribly, painfully cheesy that any other kind of sentiment meant from the text and lyrics is gone like a fart in the wind. If you wanna say something meaningful...say it, is my train of thought (OH! OH!). A copy/paste of lyrics, especially ones as cheesy as DT's (for as much as I love the dudes), seems...hollow. To each their own! I truly mean no harm in any of this rambling, this is all stream of consciousness here (okay, I'm done...I'm actually not meaning to do this and only realized it after I typed it). I do think that in some contexts, a lyric text can be sweet (and usually if it's not the entire song...or if it's worked into an actual thought from oneself), but with certain songs...I Walk Beside You especially...I just couldn't see anything but cheese. Cheese everywhere. Bleu cheese, at that. It's one of those new-fangled social tropes that started as my generation was growing up and when cell phones blasted into society that I will never ever get into (that, and the mass epidemic of social media). Hell, my sister's boyfriend of...shit...I don't even know how many years now, but they've been together for over a decade, started dating in highschool, and that little (awesome, really nice) son of a bitch asked her out THROUGH TEXT, and used a gawdamn lyric text. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF- So y'know, fuck me, clearly I know nothing; but for the life of me, I cannot understand that shit. :rollin But I get it, and it's usually meant only out of nice feelings for another and in that way it is all good! ...and I'll still crack the fuck up at it in the best way possible. ;D
Kdone with my daily ramble. My posts get longer and longer... One day one of these posts is gonna take up a whole page and I'll be banned for good. OOORRR Bosk is going to hire me to write DTF The Novella: A Tale of Love, Insanity, and Rankings.
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I have to say, though, even if the person is a tool for sending it, the vitriol for the song itself is deeply disturbing. I LOVE that song; it's one of my top ten favorite DT songs.
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I personally find sending song lyrics fairly cheesy, but I guess there is a right time and place and possibly a right lyric if you both know it, that can work, but if that pic is from Tinder and that is a first message, then I think it's not bad at all and considering she responded then that is simply amazing. I'd imagine she had something in her profile to make you feel she knew DT in some way, couldn't imagine sending lyrics that randomly, but then again it is Tinder.
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I have to say, though, even if the person is a tool for sending it, the vitriol for the song itself is deeply disturbing. I LOVE that song; it's one of my top ten favorite DT songs.
Disturbing...? That's a bit overkill. Well, to each their own. People get weird when they find someone who dislikes a song they love. Damn. I wouldn't even use the word vitriol, I just can't stand the cheese factory going on within the song. Vitriol...that is reserved for the vast majority of the country genre.
I just find the song extremely cheesy and I am not one to go for those all-too-blissful songs, and that song sounds like it farts rainbows. I'm not saying I don't like happy songs, but there's a certain balance I like to a song... Eh. Not that I should have to explain my preferences. Even when I was listening to DT everyday, it's one that I never played. I find sending lyrics disturbing, while others might get pussy (or hell, a god damn marriage) from it. Again, to each their own! :D
I digress.
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Well, to some degree, early on, it is helpful to get a sense of what resonates with that person. Meaning, unlike TioJorge (and this is not an indictment, just a contrast) I like getting them, because it shows me something about the person sending it and how they think and what they react to. My wife and I did this a lot as we were getting to know one another.
Funny story, though, and a lesson for the kids out there.
I'm a HUGE Noel Gallagher fan. LOVE him, both in Oasis and solo, and except for one song (literally, one song; it's a Japanese Amazon only track or some shit, called "Alone On A Rope") I have every song he has ever officially released. So I thought it would be cute and informative to share a Noel song from his first solo album. We were both coming out of divorces, both dealing with ex's with anger and alcohol issues, both reeling at the end of the "dream of married bliss" and sort of wondering if this is all there is, an empty house, and no one to share it with. I thought the second verse of "If I Had A Gun..." would be PERFECT:
"Give you back the dream, show you now what might had been
If all the tears you cry would fade away (away, away, away...)
I'll be by your side, when they come to say goodbye
We will live to fight another day"
So I send the link via Shazam. Later that day I'm playing it, and my daughter goes "what's with that song?" And I said "I sent it to M******". And she says "Wow, that's a huge fail. What's with the gun thing? You want her to think you're a creeper??" I'm like, shut up, what do you know.
Later than night, we're texting as we usually did until the kids were in bed, then we'd talk on the phone. We're talking, and finally she said, "what's with the gun song? Should I be worried?" And I'm like, no! Listen to the rest of it! She's like, "Um, no."
Then about a week later, we're all together, and talking about something One Direction or something and I made a comment and my daughter says something like "Uh, dad, what do you know? You like creeper songs,", and her daughter goes "Yeah, what's up with that song you sent to mom?"
Obviously they were only busting my stones, since we're happily married now, but I still take shit for that. And Noel will always and forever be that guy with "the gun song".
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I have to say, though, even if the person is a tool for sending it, the vitriol for the song itself is deeply disturbing. I LOVE that song; it's one of my top ten favorite DT songs.
Disturbing...? That's a bit overkill. Well, to each their own. People get weird when they find someone who dislikes a song they love. Damn. I wouldn't even use the word vitriol, I just can't stand the cheese factory going on within the song. Vitriol...that is reserved for the vast majority of the country genre.
I just find the song extremely cheesy and I am not one to go for those all-too-blissful songs, and that song sounds like it farts rainbows. I'm not saying I don't like happy songs, but there's a certain balance I like to a song... Eh. Not that I should have to explain my preferences. Even when I was listening to DT everyday, it's one that I never played. I find sending lyrics disturbing, while others might get pussy (or hell, a god damn marriage) from it. Again, to each their own! :D
I digress.
Haha, I know; I'm just kidding; I don't at all get bothered if someone doesn't like what I do (see the other thread - women who like DT - where we're talking about this exact thing). I think it's a little cheesy too, but I love it. Love the whole album, actually.
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Well, to some degree, early on, it is helpful to get a sense of what resonates with that person. Meaning, unlike TioJorge (and this is not an indictment, just a contrast) I like getting them, because it shows me something about the person sending it and how they think and what they react to. My wife and I did this a lot as we were getting to know one another.
I get it, but the picture you're painting makes it seem like sending lyrics/songs is some kind of deep-meaning soul-searching method between two people. Thing is, that is completely cool even if it is and if it works, by all means work it! But...there's a plethora of other ways to find out 'what resonates within a person' without copy/pasting song lyrics through text or sending a song via Shazam. It's important to me, but not something I would considering doing; to find out such a thing, I'd rather be (and have) listening to each others favorite songs together in person, I can totally get and relate to that. It's in person, you both know immediately whether the other person is into the song or not...plus, if you just so happen to play some baby-makin' music, you're right there! ;D Call me old fashioned, but I still think the way in which certain things are sent/received, be it text/phone-call/Facetime/whatever-the-hell-else-there-is-these-days matters. Tons of people these days ask each other out through text, or even break up through text, and think it's fine. It just so happens to make me cringe. Just my preference.
Good story though, and again, some things absolutely work with people and makes them connect. Others, makes them run for the hills. :lol
For the record...I Walk Beside You is the only song on Octavarium I dislike. I still love the hell out of that album and it's one of my top DT albums. But they've got a few songs like that, where the cheese just overflows and I'm like 'whoooaaa! Too much cheese'! Not a bunch, but a handful over their career til now. (Forsaken IMMEDIATELY came to mind as well...another one in which it's the only song on the album I don't like)
I have to say, though, even if the person is a tool for sending it, the vitriol for the song itself is deeply disturbing. I LOVE that song; it's one of my top ten favorite DT songs.
Disturbing...? That's a bit overkill. Well, to each their own. People get weird when they find someone who dislikes a song they love. Damn. I wouldn't even use the word vitriol, I just can't stand the cheese factory going on within the song. Vitriol...that is reserved for the vast majority of the country genre.
I just find the song extremely cheesy and I am not one to go for those all-too-blissful songs, and that song sounds like it farts rainbows. I'm not saying I don't like happy songs, but there's a certain balance I like to a song... Eh. Not that I should have to explain my preferences. Even when I was listening to DT everyday, it's one that I never played. I find sending lyrics disturbing, while others might get pussy (or hell, a god damn marriage) from it. Again, to each their own! :D
I digress.
Haha, I know; I'm just kidding; I don't at all get bothered if someone doesn't like what I do (see the other thread - women who like DT - where we're talking about this exact thing). I think it's a little cheesy too, but I love it. Love the whole album, actually.
Oh... Well that's cool! I just woke up...my 'J/K' sensor is still warming up. :P
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Even though I've sent the odd song lyric here and there, I use it as a frame of reference as opposed to an... opening salvo or "pickup line". As on many many things though, your mileage may vary. NOW...
Call me old fashioned, but I still think the way in which certain things are sent/received, be it text/phone-call/Facetime/whatever-the-hell-else-there-is-these-days matters. Tons of people these days ask each other out through text, or even break up through text, and think it's fine. It just so happens to make me cringe. Just my preference.
You're not old-fashioned, I so agree with this. Especially breaking up via text/FB/whatever--that is such a cowardly thing to do. Have some balls and at least make a damn phone call. Jeez.
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Agreed, for the most part. I think it depends on the relationship. In a case where you've only gone on a few dates, text is fine (as long as you DON'T do what that moron did to me :lol). If you've invested a bit more, I would say in person is best but phone is a little better.
As for song lyrics, I occasionally have texted them. I had one relationship where we exchanged a lot of them. It was a very cheesy, melodramatic relationship. Short and intense.
I just started texting with her and sent the message. I typed it out, read it like three times, and it seemed to the point. Fuckin do it you pussy! So, I hit send. She said she was glad I said it, and she felt the same way, no romantic connection, it would have taken her another week to say something. We’re gonna try and keep talking with each other as friends. I just need to give people more credit. I just learned a valuable life lesson in the last 10 minutes. Good shit.
:tup :tup
Update here: I had a date on Tuesday with a guy I've been talking to on OKC for a while but had been too busy to hang with. It went really well and we made another date for today, but he had to cancel due to work crap. We rescheduled for Sunday and the anticipation is killing me because we ended things on a very passionate kiss right before he left my place. Ahhhh! :dangerwillrobinson:
I have a date with the lady I've been seeing tomorrow, which I am definitely looking forward to! We may check out the "First Friday" art gallery thing that happens in town, but I sorta like the idea of just staying in and cooking, too...
ANOTHER guy asked me to hang, so we'll see what happens there. This is kinda fun...
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I deleted my OKCupid account and have only been on a less mainstream site, which I feel is more honestly in line with my interests. Talking to a few guys and might be going to a get-together tomorrow night.
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Well my doomed date for Saturday that I tried so hard to keep afloat (not due to any problem between us, just things out of our control) first it was Epica cancelling the concert, then we changed plans to go to the Mets game, then the weather here in the NYC area turned to crap and the game is borderline to be cancelled now, and then to add more to the fire, a health issue came up to me and it requires minor surgery today. Im glad I went to the doctor yesterday, but yea spending the day in the city tomorrow is off the table. The surgery is minor and no big deal, the doc said I could be on my feet tomorrow and he said I can do my planned day, but he did say no sex lol. Just seems like the universe is against us having this awesome date tomorrow. Oh well, she is cool with just sticking in and watching a movie and just being together since I think we both would really like to see each other. That's nice, just sucks the money I poured into this weekend will go to waste (well some of it, the hotel I can cancel no cost).
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Lemons, lemonade.
For me (at least since my divorce) I find these types of things are interesting. I don't really get worked up over change like that (not saying that's good, just how I am) so it's good to see how she handles these things. If she's all "c'mon, you pussy, let's go!" or starts to whine that things aren't going perfectly as planned, that's a good thing to know now. If she's copacetic, and willing to be flexible and play it by ear, that to me is huge points. Obviously, how you take it is up to you (you may WANT someone that wants to stick to the plan) but it's good to see people in that situation.
Good luck to you!
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Thanks, yea she is taking it well. We both understand the situation sucks and only has gotten worse, but we both kept trying to keep some sort of plan alive and hence last night we both just came to the conclusion, "worst case scenario is I cant get out of bed and you come keep me company watching movies" which she said she would do. We both just want to see each other at the end of the day so it sucks to have gone from awesome fun plans to just hoping to spend time together, but she has been awesome throughout and it certainly shows character that is positive.
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I Cheese Beside You *Snip*
Okay...I can't say anything without looking like an asshole, but I've accepted that I'm a big 'ole brown eye a long time ago so:
I just cannot look at any lyric-based-text or note and not crack up. And I'm sorry. It's not at you. It's ANY lyrics-sent text or any type of immense cheeseball text that has to do with lyrics, but mostly and especially when it's just lyrics... I just don't get it. I can't wrap my head around it. It's just so oddly embarrassing to me. I mean, even when I've had women send me them in the past (granted, it hasn't happened since high-school and I think there's a reason for that), I've just had this horribly embarrassed feeling for them when receiving it and have never responded to them only to get some snarky text the next day (keep in mind: I didn't ask for it, nor indicated any such cheesiness) asking why I didn't respond and would have to say something like 'Sorry, I fell asleep; that was sweet' or some shit when in reality I'm still red in the face with a thought in my mind of "Am I dating a fucking teeny-bopper?" Granted, they'd send me country songs or some shit and to this day it's the one genre that will literally frustrate and annoy the hell out of me. So that didn't help.
Apologies if that comes off as me talking down to anyone who loves that stuff, I'm really not; it's truly that I do not get it. There is no realm in this universe in which I cannot see that as just being so horribly, painfully cheesy that any other kind of sentiment meant from the text and lyrics is gone like a fart in the wind. If you wanna say something meaningful...say it, is my train of thought (OH! OH!). A copy/paste of lyrics, especially ones as cheesy as DT's (for as much as I love the dudes), seems...hollow. To each their own! I truly mean no harm in any of this rambling, this is all stream of consciousness here (okay, I'm done...I'm actually not meaning to do this and only realized it after I typed it). I do think that in some contexts, a lyric text can be sweet (and usually if it's not the entire song...or if it's worked into an actual thought from oneself), but with certain songs...I Walk Beside You especially...I just couldn't see anything but cheese. Cheese everywhere. Bleu cheese, at that. It's one of those new-fangled social tropes that started as my generation was growing up and when cell phones blasted into society that I will never ever get into (that, and the mass epidemic of social media). Hell, my sister's boyfriend of...shit...I don't even know how many years now, but they've been together for over a decade, started dating in highschool, and that little (awesome, really nice) son of a bitch asked her out THROUGH TEXT, and used a gawdamn lyric text. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF- So y'know, fuck me, clearly I know nothing; but for the life of me, I cannot understand that shit. :rollin But I get it, and it's usually meant only out of nice feelings for another and in that way it is all good! ...and I'll still crack the fuck up at it in the best way possible. ;D
Kdone with my daily ramble. My posts get longer and longer... One day one of these posts is gonna take up a whole page and I'll be banned for good. OOORRR Bosk is going to hire me to write DTF The Novella: A Tale of Love, Insanity, and Rankings.
lmao
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Aww cram, sucks that things won't go as planned but sounds like there's still good potential for the date (and her)!
Oh man, lady date went well. Very well ;D :hat
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Well yesterday was completely cancelled. Still in pain from surgery and on meds so I thought it best we just not hang at all and at the same time she had just found out a friend from her church had passed away Friday evening and she was needed at the church so literally no matter what we tried to have the awesome weekend, it was a complete failure. We are both determined to meet up one night this week and also have another fun weekend sometime soon so that's good. Oh yea, to add more salt to the wound... the Mets game we had tickets to (which I couldn't even give away since I guess no one wanted to go to a poor weather game) ended up being a no hitter for Sherzer... fucking would have loved to see that in person since I am not a Mets fan anyway. >:(
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Ah shit, my friends were at that game. Anyway, that really sucks but at least the date was cancelled due to outside circumstances. You obviously have a good connection, so be patient and I'm sure the next one will be awesome and you'll be feeling way better by then :D... that is what I'm counting on today- the guy who had to cancel on me earlier this week is coming over in a few hours!
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Aaaand he cancelled on me again. He has some computer job that he does at home and I understand things come up, but twice in four days?? I told him that's a bit of a sore spot for me when I feel like my time isn't being respected. We'll see...
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Aaaand he cancelled on me again. He has some computer job that he does at home and I understand things come up, but twice in four days?? I told him that's a bit of a sore spot for me when I feel like my time isn't being respected. We'll see...
My rule if someone cancels a first time meet up they are done unless I feel they were very much justified in canceling. Girls have done this a few times with me and I fell for those games early on, but not a single time has someone cancelled a first date and things actually progressed.
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Aaaand he cancelled on me again. He has some computer job that he does at home and I understand things come up, but twice in four days?? I told him that's a bit of a sore spot for me when I feel like my time isn't being respected. We'll see...
My rule if someone cancels a first time meet up they are done unless I feel they were very much justified in canceling. Girls have done this a few times with me and I fell for those games early on, but not a single time has someone cancelled a first date and things actually progressed.
This was supposed to be our second date. The first one was last week and went really well, but then he cancelled on me Thursday and Sunday. Apparently he has some client that needs a thing done so he's been working like crazy... again, I get this because I have friends who do similar work, but it was still a huge bummer and his communication has been less than ideal. He wrote this long (and I think very sincere) thing apologizing and saying he was really hoping to continue to get to know me and whatnot, but then it took him a long-ass time to get back to me about his availability this week- like, a whole day. He told me he'd get back to me by noon and it wasn't til 10pm that I heard from him. He may actually have to fly out of town for this client later in the week so I'd be surprised if we were able to hang out. Unless we have a helluva date soon, I'm out. Actions speak louder than words- I have to keep reminding myself.
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Actions speak louder than words- I have to keep reminding myself.
Ain't that the truth. But, shouldn't people just take someone for their word, at least to a certain degree? If the person hasn't shown to be playing games, or lying/stretching the truth. Maybe he does want to see you, and really is busy.
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Actions speak louder than words- I have to keep reminding myself.
Ain't that the truth. But, shouldn't people just take someone for their word, at least to a certain degree? If the person hasn't shown to be playing games, or lying/stretching the truth. Maybe he does want to see you, and really is busy.
Yes, but how far does someone's word go? If a guy says he is busy, fine I dont think anyone is disputing that, but if he says he will get back to you by noon and doesn't until 10pm, how good is his word then? And yes he could be busy and could have legitimate reasons, but for how long do you continue to go down that route of always waiting for him to not be busy? I am way too impatient to deal with someone that doesn't have the time or willingness to deal with me.
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Aaaand he cancelled on me again. He has some computer job that he does at home and I understand things come up, but twice in four days?? I told him that's a bit of a sore spot for me when I feel like my time isn't being respected. We'll see...
My rule if someone cancels a first time meet up they are done unless I feel they were very much justified in canceling. Girls have done this a few times with me and I fell for those games early on, but not a single time has someone cancelled a first date and things actually progressed.
This was supposed to be our second date. The first one was last week and went really well, but then he cancelled on me Thursday and Sunday. Apparently he has some client that needs a thing done so he's been working like crazy... again, I get this because I have friends who do similar work, but it was still a huge bummer and his communication has been less than ideal. He wrote this long (and I think very sincere) thing apologizing and saying he was really hoping to continue to get to know me and whatnot, but then it took him a long-ass time to get back to me about his availability this week- like, a whole day. He told me he'd get back to me by noon and it wasn't til 10pm that I heard from him. He may actually have to fly out of town for this client later in the week so I'd be surprised if we were able to hang out. Unless we have a helluva date soon, I'm out. Actions speak louder than words- I have to keep reminding myself.
Did you ask him if he wanted some company while he was stuck inside working?
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You're absolutely right. You have to draw a line. Maybe I'm just thinking that it wasn't egregious. But yeah, maybe he can be held to a tighter standard from here out. And here we are deciding it for Jackie. You're welcome ::)
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:lol, thank you!
Actions speak louder than words- I have to keep reminding myself.
Ain't that the truth. But, shouldn't people just take someone for their word, at least to a certain degree? If the person hasn't shown to be playing games, or lying/stretching the truth. Maybe he does want to see you, and really is busy.
Yes, but how far does someone's word go? If a guy says he is busy, fine I dont think anyone is disputing that, but if he says he will get back to you by noon and doesn't until 10pm, how good is his word then? And yes he could be busy and could have legitimate reasons, but for how long do you continue to go down that route of always waiting for him to not be busy? I am way too impatient to deal with someone that doesn't have the time or willingness to deal with me.
And that's the key thing right there. If I had more invested and knew him better it'd be one thing, but we've had one date and I have no interest in always waiting around. I spent nearly a whole relationship waiting for somebody, and it was not fun.
I do want to add that HE was the one who gave himself the 12:00 deadline. I said nothing about needing to hear from him by a certain time, which is why it annoyed me. It's the middle of my workday so I couldn't care less if I hear from you by 12, but don't put it out there if you ain't gonna deliver.
I realize I'm more of a planner than lots of other people and don't expect everyone to operate the same way, but I'm just asking for decent communication.
Did you ask him if he wanted some company while he was stuck inside working?
No, for two reasons. First I don't know him well enough for that yet. If we were an established couple that might be fairly normal, but at this stage it'd sound weird/desperate to offer IMO.
Second, he lives with his girlfriend and I'm not sure of her schedule. They are not monogamous, obviously, but since I've only met the dude once I'm not gonna waltz in like "Hey, I'm dating your boyfriend, sup" :lol
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Preface: I met this woman online like 4 months ago. We went on a long hike the first time we met. When I tried to go out again, she said she was gonna date her friend from her running group. He's everything she never knew she wanted. I got back in touch with her about a month after, when I knew I wasn't doing it for other reasons than being friendly with someone I thought was cool. I never could get her to meetup again, but she kept telling me to come out to the group run. It's a shitty run at a shitty time, and if she didn't really care, then I didn't either. But we would chat shortly every week or so.
All we ever talked about was innocuous stuff like running and work. I decided to ask about her guy friend, just trying to have some substance to our interaction. She said it's casual, but meh. Complained about dating sucking. Somehow I was the positive one about it. She was surprised I think cuz we never break the surface when we talk. She gets these farm fresh items with recipes and says, "I'm supposed to get another bag Thursday and owe you about 20 hangouts if you want to tackle one of the new recipes Friday." She rescheduled for tomorrow.
I'm going in thinking friends. But, I gotta say I was completely surprised when she asked that. From the most basic of friendly texting conversation to come over to my apartment and cook with me. I guess I'm just gonna roll with it.
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Keep on rollin then!
My date is coming with me tomorrow night to see Winery Dogs, she is loving the new album so she really wants to join my friend and I. We managed to get dinner one night this week which wasn't the greatest date, but was nice to finally see each other after 2 weeks.
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Done with everything for a while. My life is too chaotic to involve other people, and involving other people makes it even more chaotic. I had to tell four guys the other day that I was done, and it was only then that I realized there were four of them. That's way too many for me personally- not because of social norms but because I am a huge introvert and I don't have the energy. It would be a bit dishonest to call it polyamoury when I only connected with one beyond a sexual level, and even with him it was a bit codependent (we were constantly looking to each other for validation) and only pseudo-romantic in a very surface and, IMO, emotionless way.
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Well, it doesn't have to be four or zero, but I understand the introvert/energy thing. I've been having fun but overwhelmed with my schedule.
I had an awesome first date last night with a guy who is adorable and a big Zappa fan. Lots of chemistry, and hugely looking forward to seeing him again Monday :D. D
Did dinner and Rock Band with the lady tonight, which was a lot of fun. She is great and low stress/drama. Saturday I have a brewery/play date with a guy that I have been seeing for a while but don't see very often, so looking forward to that.
Meanwhile, the one who flaked on me a couple of times told me yesterday that his girlfriend is having doubts about non-monogamy. There's more to it (that I'm too tired to type) but I'm really just more annoyed at this point and doubt I will see him again. His actions and words are totally not matching, and I'm thinking he's all talk.
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So I kicked the flaky guy to the curb, finally. He was waiting for me to do it because he didn't have the guts to himself- he kept asking "so do you want to go our separate ways?" Like, no shit dude. You told me your girlfriend was having second thoughts- why the fuck would I stick around if you're obviously not ready? I actually told him he should do some research on polyamory before he messes with anybody else's head. Unsurprisingly, he did not reply to that. What a douche, though. He kept telling me he cared and that my feelings mattered to him and blah blah blah, but that was clearly not the case.
On a much, much brighter note: I ended up having an unexpected date with Zappa guy tonight. He just happened to be free and I was practically passing through his neighborhood on my way home from watching Doctor Who with a friend, so I went to his house. We listened to Zappa and... things happened... and it was amazing. I will see him again Monday and :caffeine:
He's just too damn cute. I'm just waiting to find some sort of catch, like he has a hair shrine to somebody in his closet or something.
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Good for you. That gets on my nerves so much when people are too weak to have just even a minute amount of balls and end it. I've had a few women do that to me in the past and it's honestly one of the most insulting things someone can do in a relationship aside from lying about being with someone else. So. Grating.
Glad to hear that it wasn't all bad though!
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Yeah, who knows if he was even telling the truth about why he cancelled our plans. The lady suggested that maybe his gf was giving him shit and so he just used work as an excuse not to hang. I don't know, but he was definitely lacking some cojones and I'm over that stress.
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For real. Hell, I've had a situation where a woman told me she was a swinger...and I was okay with it...except apparently her husband didn't know she was a swinger. :lol :facepalm:
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Gotta love that :lolpalm:
That reminds me: I dated a guy a few years ago who neglected to tell me he was engaged when we started seeing each other, and I found out much later that he had been telling his neighbors and others that his relationship with his fiancee was open... of course she was not aware of this :\
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So I met someone through OKCupid who seems pretty amazing. She's intriguing, funny, attractive, and while she doesn't have the intellect I usually look for in a woman, she has have great taste in music. She's a fan of Dream Theater and many other bands you wouldn't expect a female from Staten Island to even have heard of. However, after the last relationship disaster I am extremely skeptical about forging forward too fast. She also wants to take things really slow, so sometimes we might go a couple of days without talking or texting. We're both fine with that. She knows about the last girl I dated so I think she wants to make sure I'm truly over her. The second night we got together was the night of the super blood moon. I told her I wanted her to join me in watching it. Obviously, it was too cloudy that night but we did end up in a heavy kissing session. We saw each other again a few nights ago. She came to my apartment. I was actually surprised that she agreed to come to my place so quickly. We went a bit further but didn't have sex. To be honest with everyone, I'm afraid of having sex again anytime soon. It has done nothing but bring me misery the past couple of years so it's the furthest thing from my mind. She wanted me to but I just couldn't. I'm hoping this doesn't push her away but I can't help how I feel.
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She's a fan of Dream Theater and many other bands you wouldn't expect a female from Staten Island to even have heard of.
No offense but stuff like this makes me chuckle. If I didn't know any better, I might think Staten Island and Long Island are Ancient China and the Roman Empire.
This is completely off topic but I have considered a possible move to Staten Island before, and it's still in the back of my head.
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She's a fan of Dream Theater and many other bands you wouldn't expect a female from Staten Island to even have heard of.
No offense but stuff like this makes me chuckle. If I didn't know any better, I might think Staten Island and Long Island are Ancient China and the Roman Empire.
This is completely off topic but I have considered a possible move to Staten Island before, and it's still in the back of my head.
Well, if you need any advice or input feel free to ask. I've been here practically my whole life, save for the two years I lived in Brooklyn when I was born.
When you get here and immerse yourself in it more, you'll have better context regarding my statement. ;)
Oh and regarding that girl. I just found out she's married! So, she's gone.
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Well, another one bites the dust. Things were going REALLY well with this guy and suddenly his whole demeanor changed with me and he just wants to be friends. I'm feeling really disappointed and blindsided, and totally fucking discouraged.
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I'm sorry to hear that Jackie. I completely empathize with your discouragement. Did he give any signs of losing interest? Did something happen that could have changed his mind?
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What a urethra. Apparently a lot of guys are enormous pansies about being forward with a woman when it comes to pursuing or not pursuing a relationship and are somehow actually moronic enough to think they're doing them a favor, I'm finding out. I just finished basically emotionally murdering my...well, not even a friend, a friendly acquaintance, because he was sobbing to me that he's having SUCH A HARD TIME letting this girl down. So, I'm thinking it's like...they went on a date (or even a few) and it didn't go well and he feels bad. Mm...nope...apparently they've been 'dating' for FIVE MONTHS and he's been seeing other women and leading her on and being close with her and getting closer but he...uh...can't 'bring himself' to let her down...!?!? I basically told him he's a pathetic (...cocksuckingassholebitchwhoretwatface) little fuck-tard who should have his genitals slowly sawed off with a rusty butter knife. Then he has the gall to look at me as if he's stunned, all "Oh, really bro?". Yes. Brobitch. Fucking really. *farts on face* How completely brain dead do you have to be to even consider that being, in any realm, in any fucking universe...acceptable?
I know the girl too, that's what makes me go all Freddy Krueger; she goes to the AA group I do, she's had some one-on-one's with me talking things out and thus I've gotten to know her if ever so slightly. She is very sweet and very shy, but also one of the most straight-forward, brutally honest people you'll meet. Thing is, the guy...on the outside...seems to be this really nice guy as well, very respectful and reserved (though I don't know him all that well...I mean, obviously). Then he randomly comes to me with this shit...and we've spoken like four times. What a fucking shit stain. I haven't been that pissed off whilst sober in a long, long time. Legitimately wanted to grab him by the balls and squeeze until I felt a *POP*.
*Ahem* Aaaannnnyway.... :lol I know where you're coming from, Jackie; and on behalf of all the quivering, confused, emotionally timid assholes out there, I apologize for their tiny, useless little brains and their twisted emotion. Fuck that noise, there's nothing worse than being blindsided. Those dung-beetles don't deserve you. YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY. ONTO THE NEXT!
I am staying single for such a long fucking time and I am going to spend so much god damn money on my right hand. Dates, ballgames, movies. We're doing it all. Just you and me, Bartholomieu. With a big-ass smile. ;D :yarr
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:lol, I love you.
Well, the story in a nutshell is this:
We had been talking on OKC for a while and seemed to have a lot in common. He is polyamorous and was dating at least two girls, but recently broke up with one of them after about two years. He's still not over this, obviously, but still said he wanted to meet me and stuff. We had a date last Wednesday that went smashingly. I mean a really, really good date. Very sweet and romantical and all that bullshit. We sort of spontaneously met up Friday, had really awesome intense sex, and everything seemed good. Then yesterday he came over for our date and I could tell something was off- he was looking at me differently and I suddenly wasn't feeling the awesome chemistry we'd had. We hung out for a bit and were out on my patio talking. He brought up the ex and said he's still bitter about it. Then he said he'd been thinking about us and was feeling "uncertain" (mind you he did not tie this at all to the ex- he was extremely vague and could not explain why). He was at a loss for words (and had just smoked some pot :\) so I eventually had to ask him if that meant he didn't want to hang out, and he said yes. Then he said he wanted to be friends. I initially said yeah, I would be okay with that... but then he was like "Okay, well let's still go get dinner" and we had this awkward dinner and watched an episode of Freaks and Geeks and I just felt SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE and like I was going to cry the whole time. He left and the more I think about it the more I realize this guy fucking messed with my head and I don't think I want to be his friend. He was going on last week about how much chemistry we had, blah blah blah... and honestly, I could tell by the way he looked at me and stuff that he was really into me. To have him do a complete 180 (after we have sex, conveniently)- what the fucking fuck? I don't care if you're carrying ex-gf baggage. We all have some of that. Why would you mess with somebody like that? He said something about not wanting a relationship (which I also don't want) but also not wanting something casual- then wtf do you want? Why did you ask me to hang out in the first place?? I'm just angry and hurt.
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:lol, I love you.
Well, the story in a nutshell is this:
We had been talking on OKC for a while and seemed to have a lot in common. He is polyamorous and was dating at least two girls, but recently broke up with one of them after about two years. He's still not over this, obviously, but still said he wanted to meet me and stuff. We had a date last Wednesday that went smashingly. I mean a really, really good date. Very sweet and romantical and all that bullshit. We sort of spontaneously met up Friday, had really awesome intense sex, and everything seemed good. Then yesterday he came over for our date and I could tell something was off- he was looking at me differently and I suddenly wasn't feeling the awesome chemistry we'd had. We hung out for a bit and were out on my patio talking. He brought up the ex and said he's still bitter about it. Then he said he'd been thinking about us and was feeling "uncertain" (mind you he did not tie this at all to the ex- he was extremely vague and could not explain why). He was at a loss for words (and had just smoked some pot :\) so I eventually had to ask him if that meant he didn't want to hang out, and he said yes. Then he said he wanted to be friends. I initially said yeah, I would be okay with that... but then he was like "Okay, well let's still go get dinner" and we had this awkward dinner and watched an episode of Freaks and Geeks and I just felt SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE and like I was going to cry the whole time. He left and the more I think about it the more I realize this guy fucking messed with my head and I don't think I want to be his friend. He was going on last week about how much chemistry we had, blah blah blah... and honestly, I could tell by the way he looked at me and stuff that he was really into me. To have him do a complete 180 (after we have sex, conveniently)- what the fucking fuck? I don't care if you're carrying ex-gf baggage. We all have some of that. Why would you mess with somebody like that? He said something about not wanting a relationship (which I also don't want) but also not wanting something casual- then wtf do you want? Why did you ask me to hang out in the first place?? I'm just angry and hurt.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. It definitely seems like he just used you. Honestly, the polyamorous lifestyle he is living should have been a red flag. Look, I've been down that road recently. It's obvious the girl I was with had no problem with having multiple partners. Those are big red flags and should be avoided. It doesn't mean you deserve that from him. His indifference is a crude display of altruism. I wouldn't stay friends with him and if he asks, then you tell him exactly how you feel and walk away. It probably won't make a difference because if he's as caustic as I'm reading him to be, then you're just another notch in his bedpost. Actually, give him nothing. Don't even give him the satisfaction of knowing it bothers you. You deserve so much better. :heart
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That's a huge bummer. It sucks when things that seem good don't work out. But, that's life. It's way worse when it's the result of someone else being a shitty human being. I'm not exactly sure why people can't be honest in those situations. It's over none the less, so why feed some bullshit, or worse, disappear into thin air? Obviously this guy exercised zero forethought here. Try, as hard as that may be, not to get discouraged. Some people, men or women, just suck at life. They just don't wear a sign notifying people as such.
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:heart
That is some grad A shit right there. Assholery at its finest... Curbstomp him and leave him in the dust. (I was going to say kick him to the curb but after you have sex with someone and then pull that shit...) I wouldn't think someone like that would make all too great a friend. When someone is that flaky and unsure of themselves...I think it's best to let them be; either to figure their own shit out or grow the fuck up. Or they already have and are just that shitty and manipulative.
I'm in a similar situation (in regards to the back and forth and them being flaky) with an old friend who turned into an old flame that didn't really pan out and didn't talk for years and then became a good friend again and now she's coming at me with the force of ten thousand hormones and I'm just flabbergasted. I'm definitely not getting into anything beyond casual sex for a while. I want (need) sex every once in a while, but I'm not so childish to think that there is anything true to the whole 'sex with no strings' (to a certain extent). For as much as we'd like to believe that we can have sex and not have any feelings at all...it's just a load of shit; 'friends with benefits' turns into 'friends with fits' and then shit either gets awkward or goes bad if something doesn't develop (granted...there's the rare case where both parties know exactly what they want, and it's not a relationship, but still like fucking, but that is so few and far between in my experience). So I'm walking on glass. Because the last thing I need right now is try and deal with some bullshit drama and pretend to give a shit. I'm still putting myself back together...it's impossible to attempt to deal with anything close to a relationship.
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I'm really sorry that happened, Jackie.
Honestly, the polyamorous lifestyle he is living should have been a red flag.
:\
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Yeah John, I disagree with your thoughts on polyamory. Done right, it works great for lots of people. There's a difference between polyamory or ethical non-monogamy and just fucking lots of people. Considering I don't identify as monogamous, I'm obviously not seeking somebody who does.
:heart
That is some grad A shit right there. Assholery at its finest... Curbstomp him and leave him in the dust. (I was going to say kick him to the curb but after you have sex with someone and then pull that shit...) I wouldn't think someone like that would make all too great a friend. When someone is that flaky and unsure of themselves...I think it's best to let them be; either to figure their own shit out or grow the fuck up. Or they already have and are just that shitty and manipulative.
I'm in a similar situation (in regards to the back and forth and them being flaky) with an old friend who turned into an old flame that didn't really pan out and didn't talk for years and then became a good friend again and now she's coming at me with the force of ten thousand hormones and I'm just flabbergasted. I'm definitely not getting into anything beyond casual sex for a while. I want (need) sex every once in a while, but I'm not so childish to think that there is anything true to the whole 'sex with no strings' (to a certain extent). For as much as we'd like to believe that we can have sex and not have any feelings at all...it's just a load of shit; 'friends with benefits' turns into 'friends with fits' and then shit either gets awkward or goes bad if something doesn't develop (granted...there's the rare case where both parties know exactly what they want, and it's not a relationship, but still like fucking, but that is so few and far between in my experience). So I'm walking on glass. Because the last thing I need right now is try and deal with some bullshit drama and pretend to give a shit. I'm still putting myself back together...it's impossible to attempt to deal with anything close to a relationship.
I have had a couple of true "friends with benefits" or fuck buddy arrangements, but I've also had casual things that turned into more than that, at least in one party's head.
And yeah, I agree with what you said about letting him figure his shit out. It has crossed my mind that he's just manipulative and put on a REALLY good act, but I'm thinking he's just lost. Regardless of the reason or intent, he messed with my head. I sat on it for about 48 hours, talked to my therapist and decided I was going to say something today. He actually sent me a picture earlier of a Zappa reference but I didn't respond because that was the first time he's reached out since he left my place Monday and I was not feelin' it. So a little bit ago I finally texted him saying that I was on the fence about friendship at this point, that I felt like a very strong connection suddenly went cold and I wasn't sure I could just switch it off. I said I was afraid of my head being messed with again. We shall see if I hear back. Even if I don't, I'm glad I said it.
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Yeah John, I disagree with your thoughts on polyamory. Done right, it works great for lots of people. There's a difference between polyamory or ethical non-monogamy and just fucking lots of people. Considering I don't identify as monogamous, I'm obviously not seeking somebody who does.
I won't deny that it works right for some people. However, considering that most people probably can't handle it properly as this guy just showed, I would always tread carefully when discovering that about someone. Like you said, it's one thing to be polyamorous; it's another to just fuck a lot of people, or do as he did and use you for sex. He told you he was polyamorous which could have been him just sugarcoating his true intentions.
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Yeah John, I disagree with your thoughts on polyamory. Done right, it works great for lots of people. There's a difference between polyamory or ethical non-monogamy and just fucking lots of people. Considering I don't identify as monogamous, I'm obviously not seeking somebody who does.
I won't deny that it works right for some people. However, considering that most people probably can't handle it properly as this guy just showed, I would always tread carefully when discovering that about someone. Like you said, it's one thing to be polyamorous; it's another to just fuck a lot of people, or do as he did and use you for sex. He told you he was polyamorous which could have been him just sugarcoating his true intentions.
I don't want this to sound like I'm being negative or dismissive, because I'm not; I'm very much a libertarian in this way. If it works for you and your partner(s), and everyone's eyes are wide open, then so be it. But that last part - everyone's eyes are wide open - seems to be the kicker, doesn't it? I just think there are a lot of people that don't have the mindset or the integrity to pull it off in the way it's intended to be pulled off.
Jackie, you know the deets better than anyone here, because you're living them, but the way it's written, there's more than a whiff of "Well, I WISH this was really a poly relationship, but not everyone who is a party to it is really down with that" on his part. And if all members of a multi-party, non-monogamous relationship are not on the same page, it's kind of hard to classify it as that, isn't it? What's that old adage about your stereo? It's only as good as the weakest link?
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He told you he was polyamorous which could have been him just sugarcoating his true intentions.
This is kind of how I feel, guys in general want to get laid. Some guys will manipulate to do so, and I think being polyamorous is an easy way for a guy to be manipulative.
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Eh, I disagree with the last few posts. I'm not a non-monogamy veteran by any means, but I think I know more about it than the average person because I've been living it for a few years now. You can be polyamorous and do stupid things and the two are not at all related. This guy is polyamorous, and he's not full of shit about that (unlike the one before whose girlfriend wasn't really into it). He has one openly poly girlfriend, and had two until recently. Everybody involved was consenting, and I was aware of the girlfriends before we even met. So IMO his being poly has nothing to do with anything here. He did something dumb because he clearly has some of his own shit to work out, or because he just wanted sex, whatever. Guys who identify as monogamous are just as likely to do the same shit. Believe me, been there MANY times. :lol
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Guys who identify as monogamous are just as likely to do the same shit. Believe me, been there MANY times. :lol
Totally agree, that was kind of my point. Guys in general will do sleezy things to get into a womans pants, adding the polyamorous part makes me THINK that is another way to sneak into a girls pants. I will say, I am not knowledgable in this area, I am a monogamous guy and know I would struggle with multiple women. I would imagine you are much better at determining a BSer int his area than I would so like you said it probably isn't that bad.
As for myself, I am still seeing the same girl. We hung out last night and watched the Mets game together. I really like her, but as I am getting to know her better, I am realizing she has A LOT of personal problems that are really effecting her, specifically her father passed away a couple months before we met and her mother is in a really bad physical and mental place. I feel like that is really weighing heavily on her lately, like ever since she opened up about it to me she is always very somber around me now. Sort of like now that I know she isnt happy with her family life, she can openly display that. It's fine and all, I feel bad for her, but my problem is I am TERRIBLE at being the shoulder to cry on. Not that I don't want to be nice, I really do, I just am VERY poor at saying the right things in these situations. I end up bottling up sometimes when talking about emotions and whatnot. I guess I am just talking outloud as it is not really a problem, but something I worry about being able to be a good partner here. My x always had this complaint about me, I tried to explain that it isnt that I dont care, it's that I don't know how to say the right things to comfort someone when they are looking for it. I just hope she doesn't see it differently. There is also an alarming trend with the girls I fall for... they are all psychologists. I dont know what that means, maybe a psychologist can tell me.
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As for myself, I am still seeing the same girl. We hung out last night and watched the Mets game together. I really like her, but as I am getting to know her better, I am realizing she has A LOT of personal problems that are really effecting her, specifically her father passed away a couple months before we met and her mother is in a really bad physical and mental place. I feel like that is really weighing heavily on her lately, like ever since she opened up about it to me she is always very somber around me now. Sort of like now that I know she isnt happy with her family life, she can openly display that. It's fine and all, I feel bad for her, but my problem is I am TERRIBLE at being the shoulder to cry on. Not that I don't want to be nice, I really do, I just am VERY poor at saying the right things in these situations. I end up bottling up sometimes when talking about emotions and whatnot. I guess I am just talking outloud as it is not really a problem, but something I worry about being able to be a good partner here. My x always had this complaint about me, I tried to explain that it isnt that I dont care, it's that I don't know how to say the right things to comfort someone when they are looking for it. I just hope she doesn't see it differently. There is also an alarming trend with the girls I fall for... they are all psychologists. I dont know what that means, maybe a psychologist can tell me.
Not a psychologist, but I slept in a Holiday Inn Express last night, so...
You don't have to say ANYTHING. Listen. Hug her. Hold her hand. Make her dinner. Bone her (I say with respect). Whatever it is you DO do, and whatever it is that resonates with her. Me, I hate when someone tries to "talk me down"; I don't need that. I need to be made to feel wanted, however that has to happen. That's why my wife is so special; she doesn't go out of her head to try to say the exact right thing. But she does come up with a crock pot of BBQ, or decides to wear THAT nightie to bed, or whatever it takes.
You can do that too.
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Eh, I disagree with the last few posts. I'm not a non-monogamy veteran by any means, but I think I know more about it than the average person because I've been living it for a few years now. You can be polyamorous and do stupid things and the two are not at all related. This guy is polyamorous, and he's not full of shit about that (unlike the one before whose girlfriend wasn't really into it). He has one openly poly girlfriend, and had two until recently. Everybody involved was consenting, and I was aware of the girlfriends before we even met. So IMO his being poly has nothing to do with anything here. He did something dumb because he clearly has some of his own shit to work out, or because he just wanted sex, whatever. Guys who identify as monogamous are just as likely to do the same shit. Believe me, been there MANY times. :lol
I must have misread; I thought you said that he claimed his girl was having second thoughts? Maybe I'm not getting that there are two guys here? In any event, honesty (of a sort; at a minimum being honest with oneself) is important in any relationship, but in my view, the more parties involved, the more critical it gets. That's all I was saying.
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As for myself, I am still seeing the same girl. We hung out last night and watched the Mets game together. I really like her, but as I am getting to know her better, I am realizing she has A LOT of personal problems that are really effecting her, specifically her father passed away a couple months before we met and her mother is in a really bad physical and mental place. I feel like that is really weighing heavily on her lately, like ever since she opened up about it to me she is always very somber around me now. Sort of like now that I know she isnt happy with her family life, she can openly display that. It's fine and all, I feel bad for her, but my problem is I am TERRIBLE at being the shoulder to cry on. Not that I don't want to be nice, I really do, I just am VERY poor at saying the right things in these situations. I end up bottling up sometimes when talking about emotions and whatnot. I guess I am just talking outloud as it is not really a problem, but something I worry about being able to be a good partner here. My x always had this complaint about me, I tried to explain that it isnt that I dont care, it's that I don't know how to say the right things to comfort someone when they are looking for it. I just hope she doesn't see it differently. There is also an alarming trend with the girls I fall for... they are all psychologists. I dont know what that means, maybe a psychologist can tell me.
Not a psychologist, but I slept in a Holiday Inn Express last night, so...
You don't have to say ANYTHING. Listen. Hug her. Hold her hand. Make her dinner. Bone her (I say with respect). Whatever it is you DO do, and whatever it is that resonates with her. Me, I hate when someone tries to "talk me down"; I don't need that. I need to be made to feel wanted, however that has to happen. That's why my wife is so special; she doesn't go out of her head to try to say the exact right thing. But she does come up with a crock pot of BBQ, or decides to wear THAT nightie to bed, or whatever it takes.
You can do that too.
Thanks for the advice, makes a lot of sense. I think I just got conditioned by my x that I need to say something, which is something she always complained about "why do you never say anything when Im upset?" The rest like you said is the easy part, I have no problems with physically being there for her.
And I've spent almost 40 nights this year in holiday inn expresses lol
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I agree with Stadler, presence is way more important than what to say. Take it from a social worker trained to sit with people at really shitty times in their lives (hospice). I mean, you don't want to be totally silent if she tells you something shitty happened, but you can just say you're sorry and ask her if she needs anything, that sort of thing. And yeah, show her you care with actions.
As for why you keep falling for psychologists, it's because us brain-pickin' types (I studied psych) are awesome.
I must have misread; I thought you said that he claimed his girl was having second thoughts? Maybe I'm not getting that there are two guys here? In any event, honesty is important in any relationship, but in my view, the more parties involved, the more critical it gets. That's all I was saying.
Yes, that is true. And yeah, two different guys. The second guy was the one who had the uncertain girlfriend. Third guy decided out of the blue that he was uncertain :\ (First guy was the one a couple weeks ago who was all like "I can't date right now" all of a sudden- fucking OKC :lol.)
He never responded to my "I don't know if I want to be friends because I feel hurt" text, unsurprisingly. I'm betting he only asked because he felt guilty, but who knows.
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As for myself, I am still seeing the same girl. We hung out last night and watched the Mets game together. I really like her, but as I am getting to know her better, I am realizing she has A LOT of personal problems that are really effecting her, specifically her father passed away a couple months before we met and her mother is in a really bad physical and mental place. I feel like that is really weighing heavily on her lately, like ever since she opened up about it to me she is always very somber around me now. Sort of like now that I know she isnt happy with her family life, she can openly display that. It's fine and all, I feel bad for her, but my problem is I am TERRIBLE at being the shoulder to cry on. Not that I don't want to be nice, I really do, I just am VERY poor at saying the right things in these situations. I end up bottling up sometimes when talking about emotions and whatnot. I guess I am just talking outloud as it is not really a problem, but something I worry about being able to be a good partner here. My x always had this complaint about me, I tried to explain that it isnt that I dont care, it's that I don't know how to say the right things to comfort someone when they are looking for it. I just hope she doesn't see it differently. There is also an alarming trend with the girls I fall for... they are all psychologists. I dont know what that means, maybe a psychologist can tell me.
Not a psychologist, but I slept in a Holiday Inn Express last night, so...
You don't have to say ANYTHING. Listen. Hug her. Hold her hand. Make her dinner. Bone her (I say with respect). Whatever it is you DO do, and whatever it is that resonates with her. Me, I hate when someone tries to "talk me down"; I don't need that. I need to be made to feel wanted, however that has to happen. That's why my wife is so special; she doesn't go out of her head to try to say the exact right thing. But she does come up with a crock pot of BBQ, or decides to wear THAT nightie to bed, or whatever it takes.
You can do that too.
Thanks for the advice, makes a lot of sense. I think I just got conditioned by my x that I need to say something, which is something she always complained about "why do you never say anything when Im upset?" The rest like you said is the easy part, I have no problems with physically being there for her.
And I've spent almost 40 nights this year in holiday inn expresses lol
There's a great book - for the concept, if not the execution - called "The Languages of Love" which is must reading for anyone and even in a "non-romantic" setting. It talks about how certain people respond to certain things, and you have to "talk" to them in the language THEY understand, not that you know how to speak, in order to connect. Your "ex" was a words person. That's what she needed. Find out what this girl needs to connect. Perhaps she will be more flexible and take what you give her as opposed to demanding it be her way or the highway (my ex was like that too).
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Cool, clearly I am not the psychologist one in my relationships lol never thought about it like that. I guess I don't work well with the "needs to hear it" type sicne like I said, that is something I struggle with. The showing it is something I can do.
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I'm better at that myself as well.
Soo, after my three OKC strikes I'm a bit hesitant but I did agree to meet a guy for ice cream. We've talked a bunch and he seems cool, but definitely not getting my hopes up.
On another front, here's a little story: Two years ago, when I was on my big birthday road trip, I met this super cute guy (DT fan, btw) who worked at a brewery in Idaho. We exchanged numbers and I was totally crushing on him but I assumed nothing would come of it because he lived in fucking Idaho. Well, he ended up moving here. He contacted me... maybe sometime last year?... to tell me that, and we eventually met up for a beer. I was finding him hard to read and nothing happened. We went our separate ways and neither of us reached out to the other for a long time.
Well, Wednesday I was in search of a pack of gum while on the road for work and I happened to be passing the store he once told me he worked at. My gut told me to go there, so I did. Turns out he no longer works there (and they had no gum), but I still had his number so I texted him to say hi and we kept talking. We made plans to get a beer next week and just kept texting a bunch over the next couple days. I was getting a bit of a flirty vibe so I turned it up a notch to see how he would respond. He asked if he could sweet talk me into meeting on his side of town (we live maybe half an hour from each other) and I asked "What's in it for me? ;)" which led into some innuendo. I later told him I was going to an amateur porn festival so the conversation went in that direction. I made a sort of joke about showing him this hilarious-looking porn I recently bought, and he said something like "That would set a different tone for the evening. Totally down." Today he texted asking how my day was going while I happened to be taking a selfie of a Halloween costume I've been working on, and I ended up sending him a pic that involved some cleavage... which he commented positively on.
Anyway, the reason I'm going into detail about all of this is because I'm always so uncertain about whether I'm reading signals correctly, but at this point I think it's pretty obvious he's in the same boat as I am. Now the question is whether I will have the ovaries to actually say something and/or make a move if he doesn't. I'm getting better at that but still super shy about it because I'm afraid of being turned down for whatever reason. I know I'm preaching to the choir- I think lots of people (if not most) get terrified putting themselves out there like that. I suppose I don't have much to lose at this point, since it's not like we're close/haven't even talked in a long time prior to this week, so worst case scenario we go back to not talking. Still, I feel like a chicken! We shall see. I am anxiously awaiting Marty McFly Day. Stay tuned...
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I suppose I don't have much to lose at this point
THIS. Whenever I feel like I am holding myself back from doing something that may put me outside my comfort zone (and going in for the first move is putting yourself out there) I ALWAYS tell myself that. It's really been my personal motto since becoming single.
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True.
Now, I'm curious what you dudes have to say about this: I was talking with my neighbor about this situation yesterday and she was ADAMANT about me not making the move with this guy. She says even if he's shy, he needs to chase. Not because I should try to play a game with him, but because if he's not being the aggressor he will lose interest in me. I think some people are like that, but ultimately it's an opinion based on male/female stereotypes... and some guys are just fucking shy, and/or they like the woman to take charge. I don't know him well enough to know but I feel like at this point, we've both made it clear that we're into each other (today things progressed even further into flirt territory), so it doesn't really matter who makes the move. Thoughts?
In other news, I had a very nice date with the lady tonight. Steak, followed by a drink at a mostly-lesbian bar and some making out :D
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True.
Now, I'm curious what you dudes have to say about this: I was talking with my neighbor about this situation yesterday and she was ADAMANT about me not making the move with this guy. She says even if he's shy, he needs to chase. Not because I should try to play a game with him, but because if he's not being the aggressor he will lose interest in me. I think some people are like that, but ultimately it's an opinion based on male/female stereotypes... and some guys are just fucking shy, and/or they like the woman to take charge. I don't know him well enough to know but I feel like at this point, we've both made it clear that we're into each other (today things progressed even further into flirt territory), so it doesn't really matter who makes the move. Thoughts?
In other news, I had a very nice date with the lady tonight. Steak, followed by a drink at a mostly-lesbian bar and some making out :D
Personally I prefer not chasing, everything's so much easier when its just there, I feel that always chasing makes me feel that the other person isn't interested, but I understand the idea of "guys want what they can't have" at the same time...
Everyone's different I guess
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True.
Now, I'm curious what you dudes have to say about this: I was talking with my neighbor about this situation yesterday and she was ADAMANT about me not making the move with this guy. She says even if he's shy, he needs to chase. Not because I should try to play a game with him, but because if he's not being the aggressor he will lose interest in me. I think some people are like that, but ultimately it's an opinion based on male/female stereotypes... and some guys are just fucking shy, and/or they like the woman to take charge. I don't know him well enough to know but I feel like at this point, we've both made it clear that we're into each other (today things progressed even further into flirt territory), so it doesn't really matter who makes the move. Thoughts?
Your neighbor is wrong.
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True.
Now, I'm curious what you dudes have to say about this: I was talking with my neighbor about this situation yesterday and she was ADAMANT about me not making the move with this guy. She says even if he's shy, he needs to chase. Not because I should try to play a game with him, but because if he's not being the aggressor he will lose interest in me. I think some people are like that, but ultimately it's an opinion based on male/female stereotypes... and some guys are just fucking shy, and/or they like the woman to take charge. I don't know him well enough to know but I feel like at this point, we've both made it clear that we're into each other (today things progressed even further into flirt territory), so it doesn't really matter who makes the move. Thoughts?
Your neighbor is wrong.
This. People are different people. I'd say a shy guy probably doesn't need a "chase" - just go for it! He probabaly appreciates that a lot more.
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Now, I'm curious what you dudes have to say about this:
I kinda wanted to poll everyone on a similar topic, so lets see if this helps. I've seen this woman twice, and we get along great, and she says she's up for it again. But, she's been away/busy, and I'm starting to lose patience. At this point, waiting is hard because I don't know what she really thinks about me/this. I don't know how to flirt through text, or how to lead an interaction down that road. It makes me feel awkward. I'm trying to figure out how hard to press on this. If we do go out again, that tells me really all I need to know, and then I need to find the balls to make a real move. I have no problem chasing if I feel like its worthwhile. I've chased after someone not interested before, never again! Maybe make him chase a little, like don't show up on his door step naked with a bow on. If you feel the vibe, give in.
But yeah, your neighbor is wrong.
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Neighbor is wrong, but not 100% wrong. Like everything else in this world, it's not crystal clear black and white. I think it depends on the move. I don't like to guess, but on the same token, I don't want to be totally emasculated either. Be clear with your feelings and intentions, but give him the opportunity to feel like his intentions matter too. If you want to bang him, there are ways of making it clear to him without making him a passive spectator - a stunt cock if you will - on your way to Orgasmville. Put it out there, but let him take the bait might be your best bet.
I don't mean that to sound so new-age-y and intellectual. I'm saying, make it organic. A woman who knows what she wants and is willing to meet me halfway on achieving that is hot. A woman who's all "Are we knockin' boots tonight, or what, because "Blacklist" is on" is not.
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The sexiest thing about my girlfriend when I first met her was the fact that she through all that traditional game bullshit out the window. Heck, she even paid on the first date.
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I dont think the neighbor is right or wrong. There is no right way for that, and it all depends on situation.
I am kind of old school in that I feel like as the male, I should make the first move. Not trying to be sexist or anything, I just feel like I should take control if that is my intention (and maybe that is my personality and has nothing to do with being a male). Many women have told me they like a guy who takes control.
I will say this though, if a girl were to make the first move on me and assuming I was interested, it would be a huge turn on. I have always made the first move historically, but there was one instance where I usually say that "she fucked me". Essentially I invited a college friend over who I had hooked up with before but we were just friends and when she got to my house she just went at it with me, pushed me to my bed, got on top and took full control. It honestly is the most memorable sex experience I have had because of how she just went after me (it was also really good sex).
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Jackie, don't listen to her. Chase if that makes you happy. It's not about preconceptions.
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Well, I don't like chasing. But sometimes, with shy dudes, I feel like I have to or nothing will ever happen. I get the feeling this guy is that way when it comes to women, which is why I started to put feelers out via text, to sort of... set the mood for tomorrow, I guess. I feel like it worked, and it's not like I've been super aggressive with him. But there's just been lots of innuendo and stuff that we'd both have to be fucking autistic to misread at this point. So maybe we'll both have a bit more confidence going into it. And who knows, maybe my being flirty will encourage him to make the move, which I would realllly prefer. I can count on one hand how many times I've had to do it, and it's still hella uncomfortable.
Anyway, you all had great stuff to say, thanks ;D
sylvan, I feel your pain on that. When you don't know for sure where you stand with somebody it makes it a lot harder to sit around waiting, and to know if it's worth it. Can you ask her what she thinks about you/this?
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sylvan, I feel your pain on that. When you don't know for sure where you stand with somebody it makes it a lot harder to sit around waiting, and to know if it's worth it. Can you ask her what she thinks about you/this?
I could, and wouldn't be afraid to, but I think whether she wants to go out again will tell me what I need to know. I asked her about going out Friday. I haven't heard anything yet. That discourages me, but she could just be busy. If for some reason I don't hear anything, or she continues with the "sometime for sure" thing, I'll be direct about knowing what she thinks.
It seems like the tone's been set for your date. If you continue with that tone when you get together, you probably won't have to make the first move :hat.
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I hope not! And I hope you hear back soon ;)
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Here is one thing I hate about dating, specifically the beginning phase of meeting someone and it goes along with sylvan's current issue... why is it that women (I would assume men do this too, but I don't date men so I can say for sure) purposely wait to respond to texts? Here is how I know they purposely don't respond... before a girl meets me they take their sweet time responding to messages and then afterward they meet me they all of the sudden have much quicker responses. I've noticed this with literally every girl I have dated. The turn around I have seen has sometimes been as bad as 1 hour response time to 1 minute response time lol
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I think the answer is obvious: fear. You hear all kinds of stuff about this in all those stupid "used to be Tom Hanks, now is Zac Efron" movies about "not being too eager" and "not appearing desperate". There is a REALLY fine line between excited and desperate. The first is a massive turn on, the second is a massive turn OFF (at least for me).
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But just responding in a timely matter is not a sign of desperate. I get that if you are like on top of your phone responding to a stranger, it COULD give that impression. We all know everyone is attached to their phones these days, why do we just play pretend with this? It's all part of the game, I know, but just seems ridiculous like many other facets of the game.
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What Stadler said goes both ways. How do you let someone know that you're excited to see them again, and excited to see where something can go, without seeming desperate and overly eager? I'd say the multiple times I've talked about going out again over the last few weeks should be a good indicator that I want to see her again, but I'm very aware about not beating it to death. That's why it's getting discouraging. I don't think she would have any reason to fear seeming "desperate", we both know she's not.
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What Stadler said goes both ways. How do you let someone know that you're excited to see them again, and excited to see where something can go, without seeming desperate and overly eager?
I can't believe I'm saying this, but emojis. I know it sounds insane, but I think there's a lot of truth to it. Knowing how to appropriately apply emojis to what would otherwise be 'open to interpretation' text can do wonders for conversations via text. There is an art form to them and they can greatly enhance a conversation if used properly.
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What Stadler said goes both ways. How do you let someone know that you're excited to see them again, and excited to see where something can go, without seeming desperate and overly eager?
I can't believe I'm saying this, but emojis. I know it sounds insane, but I think there's a lot of truth to it. Knowing how to appropriately apply emojis to what would otherwise be 'open to interpretation' text can do wonders for conversations via text. There is an art form to them and they can greatly enhance a conversation if used properly.
I love emojis. I use them all the time when talking to females.. and never when talking to males unless its purely comic :lol
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I agree, I use them a lot.
And yeah, I think it's not wanting to seem desperate for sure (and with some people, game playing). I won't usually wait a long time, but sometimes if I happen to be looking at my phone and a text comes through right then, I'll wait maybe 5 minutes to respond so it doesn't look like I'm just sitting there waiting for him to text. There have been times I've waited a lot longer because the guy was doing that. Like when that one douche was taking a day to get back to me, there was no way I was going to respond to him immediately and make him think I was ready to drop everything to talk to him.
But remember this: sometimes people are just busy, and you should never expect immediate responses via text.
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totally, people have lives and whatnot, my point was more on averages. No one is so busy that they need a day to respond to a text (obviously there are situations like this, but not normally in American society where we have our phones stitched to our palms).
The girl ive been seeing has told me before she doesnt like texting sometimes because she doesnt want to bother me. For which I told her she is never bothering me, the worst that can happen is I am busy and will respond when I am free. Sometimes I am in a meeting at work, sometimes my hands are full... but it will never take me more than 8 hours to respond to someone unless I am ignoring them. She got it and texts when she wants and I respond timely as does she, but that was not the case for the first couple weeks of communicating.
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Yeah, I get what you're saying. There's more uncertainty in the beginning, so I think that's a big part of it.
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Let's bring this into the next stage of this "dilemma" currently being discussed. It's now been over a day since I sent a message specifically about going out Friday. She may very well be busy, and still may respond at some point. But, what would you guys do here? I'm certainly not happy about being left hanging, but it hasn't reached a point of no return yet. Would you follow up, or is the ball in their court? Is there a time when not hearing from them at all deserves a follow up text, or do you ride it out until you haven't spoken in X amount of days? Where's the balance between anger and still wanting to try something? I'm certainly not one to just let someone fade away silently. If it's "over", it would be nice to know, not just guess.
Pure speculation at this point. Call this prepping.
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If I were to ask a girl to go out and she didnt respond after 24 hours, I would think it's not a good sign, sorry to say that. I don't know what her "busy" situation is, like as I was saying before, if she has some legit reason that she can't use her phone or respond for a day, but that's not normal. If it's only been 2 dates, I also don't think it's totally odd for someone to just seemingly randomly stop talking. If I were you, I would send a message like this (and this is like my standard "I think you are ending this, but not saying it so I will say it for you" message)
"Hey, it was really nice meeting you and getting to know you a little bit. It seems like you may not be interested in meeting up again so I would just like to say good luck in the future"
I've done this before to a girl who stopped talking to me out of no where and it actually got a response along the lines of "yea sorry I am jsut bad at ending things" which isn't the greatest anser, but it was confirmation of what I believed to be true. Also a non response is confirmation as well. And if she was interested but too busy to respond then at that point she would deny it, "oh no I was busy but that's not how I feel"
At the end of the day, you can at least look in the mirror and say you were the bigger person and manned up and fucking said what she couldn't say in a polite and respectful way.
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That's all a really good point. I don't wanna look like some puppy dog that's stuck on somebody, cuz its just not accurate.
I got a message from her this morning. She had to go home (2 hrs away) cuz her mom is in the hospital. She said she'd be there for a few days, and that life is just crazy right now. I told her I'm there if she wants to talk, and that I wanna talk more anyways. I'm not gonna press on anything right now though. I'm in a bit of a holding pattern, but I'm still not sure if it will turn into another date, or just more "I'm busy" run around. You can take someone at their word until you can't. So far, I haven't reached can't, but I feel like I'm moving that way. Whatever though, we'll see what happens.
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Thats good she got back to you and had her reasons, but if I were you, I wouldn't stay in a holding pattern for her. Keep yourself available to her if she is in fact still interested, but dont hold yourself back from meeting other people.
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Here's what I would do if I was you: let it rest for a couple days, then, at an off time (meaning, not at 10:30 pm on a Friday when you're hammered with your friends, but a more "contemplative" time, like late Saturday morning) send a quick message that says something to the effect: "Hey, thought about you today and just wanted to say that I hope your Mom is doing better and you are able to find some time for yourself." You can word it more appropriately for your conversations, but the point is, touch base, show compassion, and don't make ANY overture about future dates or talking.
Then early next week - whether you get a response or not to the first one, since it wasn't asking for a response - follow up one more time, to the tune of "hope you are home safe and things are calmer with your mom. If you're interested in meeting for a beer, let me know!"
Then if you don't hear anything, you can safely say "she's done and is too scared to say so".
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I think the above is a good way to handle it. I totally understand the "shit's crazy" thing- I had to tell one guy I honestly wasn't sure when I would be able to hang with him. It's not that I'm not interested because he seems cool, I'm just not going to shuffle my whole schedule around for somebody I haven't even met yet. Your situation is a bit different since you two have hung out, but yeah... sounds like her reason is legit (unless she's the type to make something like that up), so I would say don't sit around waiting but keep yourself available for her and reach out to see how she's doing.
In other news, I had a reallllly good time last night with that guy. He did sorta end up making the "move," in that he put his arm around me at the brewery. We ended up going to his house to watch Back to the Future II, and didn't even make it through the opening credits :lol (first kiss was sort of a mutual lean-in, so I didn't have to sit there awkwardly wondering if I should go for it)
*sigh*
The whole thing left me in a really good mood. I've been smiling all day. I'm trying not to have any expectations and take it at face value- at the very least, we had an awesome night. If it doesn't go anywhere from here, it was still that.
Cute story: we both have Italian backgrounds, and we've been texting back and forth about Italian foods we like. The other day I went to this market and got a mozzarella/prosciutto sandwich and some pignoli cookies, which I was raving to him about. Yesterday morning/afternoon, he sent me a picture of a cannoli and I was like "Oh man, I'm jealous." He said "Don't be too jealous, because I'm saving it to share with you." I was like "That's funny, because I saved a pignoli cookie for you." :lol
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The after date smiles! A great feeling :biggrin:
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Yeah, especially good in this case because it went even better than expected. Not to mention I've sorta wanted to jump this guy's bones for over two years, and I never thought it would actually happen :lol... I told him that and he's like "Why didn't you make a move before?!" and I was like "Because I suck at that, dammit!" Plus I wasn't about to try and bone some guy in Idaho in the middle of my road trip.
Well, the universe tends to unfold as it should, I suppose. I got stood up tonight by some OKC dude and I don't even give a fuck.
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That must have been awesome to finally get to shag with someone you've wanted to do it with for so long
So three weeks ago I had my plans for the awesome Saturday in NYC date with my girl that got cancelled because essentially everything went wrong, well tomorrow we are going through with our plans for the weekend in Baltimore. As we were both bummed to have to cancel such a fun weekend, I found this weekend because I really wanted to go to the PSU vs. Maryland game and Jess thought it would be awesome to go as well since she loves football and has been following PSU this entire season with me so we said whats stopping us from going? Anyway got a sick hotel room right by the harbor so we are going to drive tomorrow morning enjoy the game and an evening in the harbor and come home Sunday morning.
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Plus I wasn't about to try and bone some guy in Idaho in the middle of my road trip.
If there was a Wall of Honor for quotes in this forum, this would belong there. I laughed out loud, multiple times.
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Plus I wasn't about to try and bone some guy in Idaho in the middle of my road trip.
If there was a Wall of Honor for quotes in this forum, this would belong there. I laughed out loud, multiple times.
I like hearing girls talk like this. Not in any creepy or perverted way, but in a 'let's be honest about the sexes' kind of way. So often dudes are made out to be the only ones that crave and enjoy sex and any girl that partakes a lot is immediately deemed a whore. I like seeing stereotypes comes to an end.
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:tup
Me too! Fuck stereotypes.
and :lol Stadler, I'm honored.
cram, sounds like you've got a great date planned ;D
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Plus I wasn't about to try and bone some guy in Idaho in the middle of my road trip.
If there was a Wall of Honor for quotes in this forum, this would belong there. I laughed out loud, multiple times.
I like hearing girls talk like this. Not in any creepy or perverted way, but in a 'let's be honest about the sexes' kind of way. So often dudes are made out to be the only ones that crave and enjoy sex and any girl that partakes a lot is immediately deemed a whore. I like seeing stereotypes comes to an end.
:tup
Spot on
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:D
So I forgot to mention that we continued to text a lot for the next day or so after we hung out, then I knew he was getting ready to go on a trip and had to get up super early for the airport, so I told him I didn't want to distract him from the stuff he had to do. He said oh no, the distraction was welcome... he also suggested we hang out Monday, as soon as he gets back from his trip. I was all worried about trying to make plans again so soon when he was busy, but he was the one who said it! So that was very cool and a relief. I'm always afraid of coming off as too eager in these situations.
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Soo we ended up having to cancel tonight due to the fact that he was gonna be at the airport way later than expected, but we rescheduled and all is well- he was super bummed and cute about it.
In other news, I kind of want to ask advice on something.
Some of you may remember back in June when I broke things off with that one dude I had been dating for a bit over a year (if not, you can probably scroll back a couple pages :lol). We were still kinda talking, but then he said something that upset me back in August and we had a little text-fight and I wrote him that note saying we needed to stop talking for a while. So I never heard from him and 2-3 months passed. Well, he's been popping up a lot in my mind lately (and I even had a couple of dreams about him) so I thought maybe it was time to reach out, that there had been enough healing time. We had said we wanted to be friends at some point, so I thought I'd try. I texted him yesterday afternoon saying I hoped he was doing well and stuff.
Well, he wrote back that evening basically saying that I had done something horrible to him, and that he essentially didn't want to be friends unless I acknowledged the pain I had inflicted. I said I was a bit confused, that if he was talking about my getting mad and snapping at him that day in August, that I was sorry (I was a bit bitchy looking back, but it honestly wasn't anything terrible), that I think we were both in a shitty place at the time and buttons were pushed. He said that was it, that he was in a bad place (he added in that he hadn't slept a full night in almost a week, not sure if that's supposed to be my fault), and that he just never thought I would hurt him "so deeply." I was honestly baffled at this- seriously, if I transcribed the fucking conversation you guys would understand what I mean. Did I snap? Yeah. Did I say anything so horrible a normal adult would still be feeling deeply hurt months later? I think not. But this guy is extremely emotionally immature. I don't mean to minimize his feelings, but frankly he's being a fucking baby.
Anyway, I told him that I guess we had seen things differently, because I just saw that convo as an indicator that we needed space from each other (I didn't say in my text but it was clearly a way bigger deal to him). He replied this afternoon saying that he didn't want to "make a thing of this" since he was about to start a long work shift, but to let him know if I wanted to have a "sit down."
*sigh*
Really? A fucking sit down because I got annoyed with you in fucking August? I don't even know where to go from here. I don't think a sit down will be productive, because frankly it sounds like he just wants to make me feel bad. I thought I wanted to pursue a friendship with him. I thought maybe it was my bad for reaching out too soon, but if he's still upset now I kind of feel like I just need to drop it. I'm just not sure what to say at this point :|
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It's interesting that you bring this up. I've been thinking about something similar lately, only from the other side. I think it's important to remember that there are two sides. What you found to be not so harmful, he took as something more. Justified or not. Since you two have already talked about it some (wierd that he went straight there after hearing from you), tell him you're not interested in a sit-down just so he can make you feel bad. The fact that you reached out should be an indicator to him, and it seems like he missed it. Did you have any hesitation reaching out?
I've been thinking about my "ghost" recently. The more people I date, the more my perspective of her changes. I've considered sending her a short email just saying hi. But this situation is different, cuz we didn't mutually step away for a while. I think most of you agreed that what she did (disappearing) was completely unacceptable. I think she's smart enough to realize that, and she would never do what Jackie did and reach out to me. But, that's the both sides thing. I was hurt by her, and I'm sure she knows it. But, I also think she did what she did because she was scared, and even if she thought about me occasionally, she would be too scared to reach out. Maybe she would expect me to act like that guy. I would tell her that I expect an apology, and that if she gives it, I'll take it and move past it. This whole thing makes me feel bad. I did nothing to make her feel that way, and I gave no reason at any time for her to be scared about sharing her feelings. That makes it worse when I think about contacting her in some innocuous way, cuz I really feel like I wouldn't hear back from her. There's only on way to find out, right? I feel so weak. *sigh*
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Look, I'll say right up front that I'm not suggesting my way is right or is best for most people, but...
I've found out a couple things that I carry with me in cases like this: one, it takes two to tango. And no matter how much I want to tango, if the other person doesn't want to (or is interested in a different kind of dance), it's not going to happen. Two, closure is WAYYYYYYY over-rated. To me it is the excuse of the desperate, and those that don't want to let go. Three, relationships are really just a sharing of an emotional bank account. I deposit a little in my partner's (in whatever way resonates with her) so that I can withdraw some when I need it from her. And vice versa. If you find that you are "bleeding cash" so to speak, that is a sign that perhaps this partnership isn't working for you.
Jackie, I think you did what you could, but that guy is not interested in investing in your emotional bank account, only withdrawing. maybe that's right for you, but it doesn't sound like it. I would move on with one of the several interesting and exciting opportunities you have in front of you and chalk it up to someone who doesn't get the program, and is missing out on a cool chick.
Yeah, I get the idea that sometimes you have to be the negotiator or the mediator, but you can only offer the olive branch, you can't force someone to take it, or take it on your terms. Sylvan, I'm sure it wouldn't be the worst thing to reach out, but if it was me, I wouldn't have any expectations.
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To be clear, I'm not at all interested in dating this guy again. I just think we have a lot of chemistry on the friendship end of things and thought we could go for that after some time to cool off from the drama. You're right- he obviously wants to do a different dance (and yes, he apparently wants to emotionally drain me). I agree about closure sometimes- at this point it seems like he wants to still talk about old shit, whereas I'm trying to focus on having a friendship in the future.
sylvan- I had some hesitation in reaching out, but that was mostly because we haven't spoken in so long. I honestly did not think he could possibly still be upset with me. You're right- his perspective is different and I'm not in his head, which is why it's baffling.
As for your situation, I know that feeling of wanting to find out by reaching out, but if I were in your shoes I probably wouldn't. She owes you an apology, but she needs to offer that instead of your communication sort of forcing it out. And yeah, chances are she won't respond at all. How long has it been?
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I decided to respond based on our conversation here, so thanks guys! I basically told him I wasn't interested in beating a dead horse, and that if he ever wanted to put the past behind us and be friends, to let me know.
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Ed: Drat, just saw your ninja'd post. I'll post it anyway for solidarity and the fact that I'm going through the same. But good on you, Jackie.
I'm coming off of an all-nighter so bare with me, but I'd just like to chime in and say that there's a difference between closure and playing up the pity party. There is also a difference (an ocean) between actual issues, true emotional turmoil that deserves to be discussed delicately...and drama that's being played up. I'm in the same situation with my ex, per norm. Just the fucking phrase 'have/having a sit down' makes me cringe and want to all but block the person in question and I've heard it time and time again and it's always the same bullshit. It's like an episode of Degrassi; it's all surface drama and zero actual issues. Stradler couldn't have said it better about closure being over-rated...it absolutely is. I'd like to clarify I'm speaking of the so-called 'closure' on his end, not your act of reaching out just to keep in touch, but his little jab of 'having a sit-down'. It's petty, immature, and it's sure as shit not closure; it's self-gratification, neediness, and self-pity rolled up into a manipulative ball that I've seen so many times that I could spot it a mile away. You had it right, he's being a baby about it and from the picture you've painted, seems like distance is the best answer despite your good intentions. Let him take that highschool drama back where it came from or to a chick that has that same mindset to enable said emotions.
We've all been that delicate fucking flower at some point, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. Everyone has taken that one comment that sticks you like a tack in a heated discussion or outright argument. The difference between a teeny-bopper with undeveloped emotional immaturity and an adult is that adults know when an actual discussion of importance needs to be had and when it was something that will without a single fucking doubt be a fart in the wind and long forgotten in the near future. A very good indication of said emotional immaturity is the fact that he held onto it for so long and immediately brought it up when you were the one to reach out. It's like an ace up the sleeve. If he felt it was that important, that meaningful to him and hurt him oh so much, there isn't a single doubt it'd have been brought up by him. It's the old adage of if someone wants something/wants to do something/etc., it'll be done. If not, it's left on the backburner for when the 'time is right'. Again, petty bullshit.
I'm veering into venting about my own shit now so I'll end it there. But I know your pain, obviously. :lol I'm sick of it myself and on my end I'm done with enabling said drama. I don't want it, I certainly don't need it, and at some point I'm enabling the immaturity and focus on such a god damn meaningless thing. Relationships (and I use that word liberally, really just anything beyond casual friends) take work no matter the magnitude, every single one. I don't need to be wasting it on someone that hasn't matured (and more than likely doesn't want to) past the high-school drama phase and plays up shit just like that just to feel special or...man, I really don't know; some kind of deluded idea that it's important. It fucking isn't. If it's important...it will be painfully clear. There absolutely is a time when delicacy towards someone's emotions needs to be taken and when it needs to be talked about. It really doesn't sound like this is one of those situations...REALLY LONG story short. :P
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Yeah, good move Jackie! You said whatever apology you needed to say. It's on him to be an adult now.
I shouldn't be worried about someone I haven't seen in 3 months (which is exactly why I'm bothered by the fact that I am thinking about her). I need to focus on one that I haven't seen in about 1 month :lol. But for real, I took Stadler's advice and messaged her Sunday morning. We kinda chatted sporadically for the rest of the day. I kept it totally friendly and made no mention of anything related to dating. Now I need to just find out if it's gonna happen or not. If I get the "yeah, sometime" response I've gotten the whole time she's been away, I'll make it clear that I'm into her, but not sure if she's into me. And if it comes to that, I'm sure it'll take me like 30 mins to get the words right, hit send, and then still question whether I said the right thing.
I got burnt out with the online part of online dating, sending out messages and not getting much back, and didnt even go "online" for like a month. When I wasn't getting good vibes about that last weekend, I went back on match and started talking to a woman that seems real cool. I got her number and we're trying to setup something this week. I find that I'm nervous in an unfamiliar way. It's like I'm having a hard time finding a way to connect, but it's totally me. She seems very nice, and seems genuinely interested in going out with me, not just for the hell of it. But, for some reason, the little things that people click on like pop culture/music/TV/sports seem trivial. But they shouldn't be, cuz who only wants to talk about work/school, right?
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True that. I hope it works out. As for the other one, I think that sounds like a good plan, keeping it casual but then putting your feelings out there if need be. It would also take me half an hour to send the text, so I feel your pain :lol
Ed: Drat, just saw your ninja'd post. I'll post it anyway for solidarity and the fact that I'm going through the same. But good on you, Jackie.
I'm coming off of an all-nighter so bare with me, but I'd just like to chime in and say that there's a difference between closure and playing up the pity party. There is also a difference (an ocean) between actual issues, true emotional turmoil that deserves to be discussed delicately...and drama that's being played up. I'm in the same situation with my ex, per norm. Just the fucking phrase 'have/having a sit down' makes me cringe and want to all but block the person in question and I've heard it time and time again and it's always the same bullshit. It's like an episode of Degrassi; it's all surface drama and zero actual issues. Stradler couldn't have said it better about closure being over-rated...it absolutely is. I'd like to clarify I'm speaking of the so-called 'closure' on his end, not your act of reaching out just to keep in touch, but his little jab of 'having a sit-down'. It's petty, immature, and it's sure as shit not closure; it's self-gratification, neediness, and self-pity rolled up into a manipulative ball that I've seen so many times that I could spot it a mile away. You had it right, he's being a baby about it and from the picture you've painted, seems like distance is the best answer despite your good intentions. Let him take that highschool drama back where it came from or to a chick that has that same mindset to enable said emotions.
We've all been that delicate fucking flower at some point, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. Everyone has taken that one comment that sticks you like a tack in a heated discussion or outright argument. The difference between a teeny-bopper with undeveloped emotional immaturity and an adult is that adults know when an actual discussion of importance needs to be had and when it was something that will without a single fucking doubt be a fart in the wind and long forgotten in the near future. A very good indication of said emotional immaturity is the fact that he held onto it for so long and immediately brought it up when you were the one to reach out. It's like an ace up the sleeve. If he felt it was that important, that meaningful to him and hurt him oh so much, there isn't a single doubt it'd have been brought up by him. It's the old adage of if someone wants something/wants to do something/etc., it'll be done. If not, it's left on the backburner for when the 'time is right'. Again, petty bullshit.
I'm veering into venting about my own shit now so I'll end it there. But I know your pain, obviously. :lol I'm sick of it myself and on my end I'm done with enabling said drama. I don't want it, I certainly don't need it, and at some point I'm enabling the immaturity and focus on such a god damn meaningless thing. Relationships (and I use that word liberally, really just anything beyond casual friends) take work no matter the magnitude, every single one. I don't need to be wasting it on someone that hasn't matured (and more than likely doesn't want to) past the high-school drama phase and plays up shit just like that just to feel special or...man, I really don't know; some kind of deluded idea that it's important. It fucking isn't. If it's important...it will be painfully clear. There absolutely is a time when delicacy towards someone's emotions needs to be taken and when it needs to be talked about. It really doesn't sound like this is one of those situations...REALLY LONG story short. :P
Thank you so much for this, honestly. I think I needed to hear that. You're totally right. I have always known he's on a different level emotionally than me, but our dating wasn't super dramatic or anything because of it. I just recognized it and took note. He lost his mom at a young age, and I think he's been coddled ever since but never really learned to deal with his feelings. When we first started dating, he was still telling anybody who would listen about how heartbroken he was over the loss of his cat (which was a month or two prior). Now I love my cats, but this was a different level... and it's really not appropriate to share with everyone you meet. This is also the guy who wouldn't watch a Robin Williams movie for months after the guy died. In his daily life he turned mountains into molehills (his talk about work drama was painful to hear) and drank away a lot of his feelings. The point is I am not super surprised at this, I guess. But I did want to try for a friendship. Funnily enough, I think THIS has given me some closure that I didn't think I needed but since I had been dreaming about him and stuff maybe I did need to reach out and be reminded that yep, it's still him and there's a reason we broke up.
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:tup :tup
Wowee...yeah, I think it'd be a good thing to shy away from until he wants to talk about the actual issue with either a professional or to work through it on his own without the aforementioned misdirection and misplaced focus.
Now that I'm more or less out of the blender that was my life and got my shit together, sober, getting back to being healthy...the less I want a relationship, yet the more my libido is reviving. :lol I recently reconnected with an old friend whom I had a fling or two with in the past but luckily both of us were mature enough to know that it wasn't going anywhere and were both perfectly fine with being two horn dogs who just so happen to like having sex with each other. Except back then I was still pretty insane and drinking like a fish with infinite livers so she distanced herself and more or less told me that she can't have that around her if, and I quote, "she's going to be fucking Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde", which I can now laugh at. Kind of. :lol
Cut to the recent reconnect in more ways than one and that thought of not wanting a relationship has been magnified ten fold. I remember posting a while back how hard it was to find someone that wouldn't make shit complicated if things got physical (especially on a regular basis) and was upfront about their feelings and what they want without flipping it around sooner or later. Lo and behold it's someone I'd already kind of had that with (although not really considering it wasn't a usual thing, but the seed was there, it was just doused in alcohol by me and seemingly died). It is SO fucking nice. I can focus on myself, stay with my own mindset and focus on the things I need to focus on without bullshit drama and still have awesome sex and finally divorce my fucking hand. It's an amicable divorce, but I've found someone better. Bai Felicia (or would it be Craig? I dunno)! I'm proceeding with caution but I'm pretty sure it's safe to say I can plow in peace. Good feeling.
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I decided to respond based on our conversation here, so thanks guys! I basically told him I wasn't interested in beating a dead horse, and that if he ever wanted to put the past behind us and be friends, to let me know.
That's the best way to handle it, especially if you're just trying to keep this on a friendly basis. I don't see the need for him to bring up an incident from two months ago. One thing though. Don't text fight. I know it's sometimes unavoidable - I've been there. But in this incident maybe things could have been misconstrued by this guy and he blew it way out of proportion. Like you said, he's emotionally immature. It's possible he read what you said one way even though you probably meant it another way? I don't know what you said that set him off.
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I don't know why but I really can't do the whole "stay friends" thing,
I'm not good with break ups which is basically the reason I've kept myself off market... I'm no good at handling it emotionally.
It's easier for me to stay away than torture myself with "friendship" whilst knowing what came before.
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Tio - Get some! :tup
Jonny - Not all situations call for a "let's be friends" approach when more doesn't work. Like you said, sometimes it's emotionally hard to set aside certain feelings but still hold on to some form of caring for them as friends. I had that problem when I was 20. I could not get past this one girl, and I still think about it regularly over 10 years later. But more so as the lesson I learned, and how I never want to be that person again. I went out with a cool woman like 4 months ago, and then she told me she wanted to date someone else. After about a month, when I felt like those feelings wouldn't be a issue, I got back in touch with her. We're both awesome, we both know the other is awesome, and we're actually becoming better friends. I'm super proud of this for myself, cuz I know where I was 10 years ago. Don't force it bro! <<Believe that!
It would also take me half an hour to send the text, so I feel your pain :lol
I'm not sure it took me 30 mins, but it feels like I didn't get it right :tdwn. Nailed the pitch, and got "trying to figure which day is best, I have a crazy week what else is new". My super well thought out response was "I don't want you to have to fit something in, and it would be cool to not be confined cuz you have other things to do. I just wanna spend some time with you, so if you're up for it, let me know." Every minute of no reply kept turning that anxiety dial up, and I'm inclined to over think things. It started to read like I was putting some stipulation on it, or like I'm too proud to be an afterthought. So after an hour and half of mentally torturing myself, "I feel like an idiot. I ovethink things and then say the wrong thing. I just didn't want to be a burden on your schedule. I'd be psyched if you wanna fit me into your busy week. So if a night is open, I'm in." It was kinda late, so I didn't expect a reply last night. But, I know its gonna bother to some degree all day until I try to reach out tonight.
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I kind of agree with Johnny in that I can't really do the "lets be friends" after a break up, especially after a long time of dating. Jackie, my advice would have been to just stop trying with him. Based on what I read from you, it seems like this guy is just a dead end. I get it you had chemistry and maybe if there was never a relationship, you could have been great friends, but you did have a relationship and things went south for whatever reasons, doesn't matter. But months later when you just try to be friends, its clear its not going to work for him. I think it would be best to let the past stay the past here. It's clearly something that bothers him so no point in stirring the pot even if your intentions are good.
However, there are times when these things can work, but I dont think they work for me personally.
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Yeah, I agree. He ended up texting me back saying that he wasn't ready for a friendship with me because, and I quote, he was "frightened of me for a very long time."
Omfg! Frightened?! Because I got bitchy with you one time in over a year?? Yes John, it's clear he misconstrued what I said via text, but the fact that he's actually saying I frightened him has left me fuming. And also positive that he's a fucking emotional 12-year-old and not worth the effort at this point.
sylvan, I know what you mean but I think you just need to lay off at this point. If you've sent two messages with no reply, you don't want to look desperate.
And George, sounds promising :tup
In other news, I actually had two dates planned with the dude I saw last week this week (tomorrow and Friday) but may have to cancel both due to being sick. I told him he was welcome to come over and chill with me and the cats since I don't have energy for much more, but he lives pretty far away so is on the fence. But on the bright side, we're both really bummed about me being sick and obviously he really wants to see me, so that's good news. I know it will all work out if it's meant to, but I am afraid of losing momentum with him. I also have been really horny :lol
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Ugh. This is no fun. I thought I was past this unhealthy OCD fueled anxiety, but here we go. I'm not nearly as bad as I would have been in the past, even just a few months ago. But I'm still digging in trying not to slide down that slippery slope. When I didn't hear from her a couple weeks ago, I thought to myself, "Nice knowing ya." If she's not into it, so be it. That's what led to the potential first date I have next week. So the idea of looking desperate is troublesome. But the idea that she's specifically not talking to me because of a miscommunication through text is far more troublesome. Yesterday was shit, I didn't sleep well last night, and I'm sure today will be shit again. I don't have the male ego that says, "Fuck her if she doesn't want this! Her loss."
I get that I need to back off for some time. But if I don't hear from her, I know I'll have an overwhelming urge to find out what's up. I just hope I can find the words that don't leave her as pissed as Jackie lol.
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Ugh. This is no fun. I thought I was past this unhealthy OCD fueled anxiety, but here we go. I'm not nearly as bad as I would have been in the past, even just a few months ago. But I'm still digging in trying not to slide down that slippery slope. When I didn't hear from her a couple weeks ago, I thought to myself, "Nice knowing ya." If she's not into it, so be it. That's what led to the potential first date I have next week. So the idea of looking desperate is troublesome. But the idea that she's specifically not talking to me because of a miscommunication through text is far more troublesome. Yesterday was shit, I didn't sleep well last night, and I'm sure today will be shit again. I don't have the male ego that says, "Fuck her if she doesn't want this! Her loss."
I get that I need to back off for some time. But if I don't hear from her, I know I'll have an overwhelming urge to find out what's up. I just hope I can find the words that don't leave her as pissed as Jackie lol.
Let me ask this question, what is so important about this girl that has got you up all night? Also if you have another date next week, focus your mind on that and not someone else who isnt giving you that thought. Easier said than done, but sit back and think, why am I devoting my energy and emotions to this girl?
In other news, I actually had two dates planned with the dude I saw last week this week (tomorrow and Friday) but may have to cancel both due to being sick. I told him he was welcome to come over and chill with me and the cats since I don't have energy for much more, but he lives pretty far away so is on the fence. But on the bright side, we're both really bummed about me being sick and obviously he really wants to see me, so that's good news. I know it will all work out if it's meant to, but I am afraid of losing momentum with him. I also have been really horny :lol
I've got to be honest, a date with a sick girl is not really a turn on so don't take it as a negative if he doesn't want come over or has an excuse for not coming. My thought process is if you are too sick to go out then you are too sick for me to come over (unless you need some nursing or something, in which case I am not that nice of a guy to nurse a girl I just met).
and yea, I cant ignore that last line :lol
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Last night he said he was going to aim to come over tonight, but if I feel tonight like I do this morning, I will tell him not to. Last night I actually felt fairly good, so it might get better. We shall see. Of course I don't want to hang with him if I feel terrible.
sylvan, I don't think you said anything wrong. If she doesn't respond that's on her.
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Ugh. This is no fun. I thought I was past this unhealthy OCD fueled anxiety, but here we go. I'm not nearly as bad as I would have been in the past, even just a few months ago. But I'm still digging in trying not to slide down that slippery slope. When I didn't hear from her a couple weeks ago, I thought to myself, "Nice knowing ya." If she's not into it, so be it. That's what led to the potential first date I have next week. So the idea of looking desperate is troublesome. But the idea that she's specifically not talking to me because of a miscommunication through text is far more troublesome. Yesterday was shit, I didn't sleep well last night, and I'm sure today will be shit again. I don't have the male ego that says, "Fuck her if she doesn't want this! Her loss."
I get that I need to back off for some time. But if I don't hear from her, I know I'll have an overwhelming urge to find out what's up. I just hope I can find the words that don't leave her as pissed as Jackie lol.
I'm sorry, Sylvan, but help me out here. Unless we're not getting the full story, and I certainly don't mean to be mean here, but from what I see there is little chance of "miscommunication through text". You've said it once (I thought clearly), you clarified again (I thought unnecessarily)... I don't think this is "OCD anxiety". You need to have a look in the mirror that she is not as invested in this as you are. There is no text in the world, my friend, that is going to change that.
I'm so sorry to have to say this.
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I know every situation and individual is different. I don't feel like anybody owes me anything, but as adults that seemingly have good communication skills and respect for the other, I just wish people could be more straight forward. Recently I had to tell a woman I didn't want to date anymore. It was tough, but she agreed, and it was, for lack of a better word, satisfying. I'm a big boy and can handle the truth, even if it sucks to hear. I've already had someone "ghost" me, and that was the polar opposite of satisfying. I guess when I'm staring at the potential for that to happen again, it's causing the OCD and anxiety to make a pretty disgusting cocktail. I'll be fine no doubt, just sometimes I can't turn my brain off. But, that's why I'm bouncing this off you guys. I'm a noob at all this.
That being said... WERD to all of you! Just reading the last three posts before even replying got me turned around and facing the right direction. Here I am hogging the floor like it's all about me. At least you guys are gettin' some :rollin.
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I know what you mean about the anxiety (I've got it in buckets) but I think at this point it's really on her and if you send her a bunch more messages it will just look bad. Maybe she's super busy, maybe she just doesn't have the guts to tell you how she's really feeling... but either way you have done your part.
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It's amazing how quickly advice from sensible people can change a perspective. Or at least help to tell my brain to shut the fuck up :lol.
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I know, I can't turn my brain off most of the time so it's good to have an outside perspective ;D
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Agreed, that's why I like to hang around here. Sometimes I need someone to tell me I am being crazy so I can chill out, or to agree that I am not crazy so I can stop worrying if I am crazy lol.
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Exactly! :lol
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Even though I'm not on that side for the moment, rest assured that I've gone through this and feel the same anxiety. In hindsight, I am embarrassed at some of the feelings I had waiting for my (now wife) to respond in those early days. We met on Match, and I sent an email just saying "hello", and didn't hear back for a week (which is about 8 years in online time), but for all my hand-wringing, guitar-playing, PlayStation3 playing (what I do when stressed), it worked out. But early on, I was not always as cool as I would like to say I was.
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We met on Match, and I sent an email just saying "hello"
Wow and that got a response?! :lol
I never mentioned, but my date last weekend in Baltimore was fun, Penn State won a really tight fun game so we really enjoyed the game day experience. Sadly some things came up and I had to be back home for my family early Sunday so we didn't do much besides attend the game. We are very close to going to see Amaranthe in NYC on Wednesday ( I am going to go regardless, back to back concerts for me with Blind Guardian and Amaranthe :metal, but she isn't sure if she can make it yet).
Anyway, I will share a picture of us from the game, I look beyond exhausted which I pretty much was as last week was ridiculously grueling from some personal stuff that happened and honestly was really close to cancelling the trip, but I am glad we went.
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/12049545_10153688017826779_4942390097013996139_n.jpg?oh=e952bc346ee16ff8214a7a1cb652aaf6&oe=56CF00EC)
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Cute pic!
And yeah, I'm surprised the "hello" email got an answer too. I never respond to those tbh
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We met on Match, and I sent an email just saying "hello"
Wow and that got a response?! :lol
Dude, no shit, and WITH NO PICTURE! (I had no idea going in that "no picture" was online-speak for "married creeper just looking to get some trim on the side". Some things you just don't question...
I never mentioned, but my date last weekend in Baltimore was fun, Penn State won a really tight fun game so we really enjoyed the game day experience.
Looks like you had fun, and for that I am glad. Hope the "personal stuff" isn't too heavy. Good luck!
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Thanks for your concern Stadler, just had a minor health issue and when I finally recovered my grandfather passed away, which was not a surprise but still tough on the family. So my last few weeks had been difficult, but life goes on.
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Aw, that is rough, I'm sorry :(
On a lighter note I was uncertain about hanging with this guy because I've been sick, but I started to feel a lot better yesterday so we had a really good time last night... and he just left a bit ago :D
I think we are planning to also hang tomorrow because we probably won't see each other for a long time after that (I'll be volunteering for the film festival plus working full time for almost two weeks). Anyway, I really like him :biggrin:
Trying not to think too much about it/overanalyze like I tend to, and to just enjoy it. He seems equally enthusiastic, so that is good news!
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That's great, Jackie. Just have fun with it.
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That's what I keep telling myself! We sat around watching movies yesterday and it was nice. Today he woke up super sick, thanks to me. He knew it was a risk but I still felt bad, so I brought him some minestrone and gelato after work and gave him a little back rub. Men when they're all sick and pouty are the cutest thing :lol
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That's very nice of you! He must really like you to take that risk, like I said before, I wouldn't choose to hang out with someone who is sick even if I did like that person.
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I would definitely hang with somebody sick, but I wouldn't necessarily kiss them and whatnot. Depends on the situation- but I definitely have before in new relationships when we're still in that can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other stage. I was content with just having it be a PG-rated date, but he went in for the smooch! I mentioned the sick thing and he said "Well, I'm just hoping you're not contagious." Oh well :lol... he's feeling a bit better today, so that's good. I'm not sure when I'll see him next because my shit is about to get crazy, so that kinda sucks :sadpanda:
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As long as he didn't have SARS or motaba I'm sure you'll be okay. ;)
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I would definitely hang with somebody sick, but I wouldn't necessarily kiss them and whatnot. Depends on the situation- but I definitely have before in new relationships when we're still in that can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other stage. I was content with just having it be a PG-rated date, but he went in for the smooch! I mentioned the sick thing and he said "Well, I'm just hoping you're not contagious." Oh well :lol... he's feeling a bit better today, so that's good. I'm not sure when I'll see him next because my shit is about to get crazy, so that kinda sucks :sadpanda:
Sometimes a really good 'session' is worth getting sick for a week.
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:tup :hat
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I would definitely hang with somebody sick, but I wouldn't necessarily kiss them and whatnot. Depends on the situation- but I definitely have before in new relationships when we're still in that can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other stage. I was content with just having it be a PG-rated date, but he went in for the smooch! I mentioned the sick thing and he said "Well, I'm just hoping you're not contagious." Oh well :lol... he's feeling a bit better today, so that's good. I'm not sure when I'll see him next because my shit is about to get crazy, so that kinda sucks :sadpanda:
Sometimes a really good 'session' is worth getting sick for a week.
Testify
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I turned the corner last week thanks to you guys. It wasn't the worst, and I'm sure I would have been good in a couple days, but it was just enough to get me out of my head. When I got out of my head, I decided to move on. I went on OKC and messaged a woman with some similar interests (running, music, she's obsessed with GOLF! and so am I :metal). After I messaged her with fingers crossed, I did the quick match and she came up. I "liked" her and found out she had already liked me. She messaged me that night, and we talked shortly. I told her I was a lifetime local, and she said that the transplants need the locals to show them the secret spots and help make new friends. I asked her what her style was and never heard anything. I sent a short message on Sunday, something simple about Halloween. I was killing time on there yesterday when I got another message. We talked much more last night, and I went for the "date" again, trying to see where she's been and that I can find us a secret spot to check out. No reply. Oh well. I wake up to find she replied later last night to the tune of "Ive been to a few places but need to check out more. What's your secret plan?" I told her I would let her know how awesome the golf boards (golf cart crossed w/ skateboard, so motorized off road board) are when I play today. I'm gonna latch on to patience as the theme here, but I'm optimistic now, as fas as I can read the signs.
I also sent a text to the woman who is, at this point no doubt, ignoring me. It was simple and innocent, but its almost impossible to not sound desperate in that situation without outright saying otherwise. That took forever to send, but I guess I've got another ghost. "I see dead people."
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Keep your head up, and good luck!
Just remember, confidence is attractive, and the more patience you show, the more confident you seem, ergo, the more attractive you seem.
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True that. Well, this new lady seems promising. Hopefully you can meet her soon :D
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Well I talked to her on Thursday and she agreed to a meetup. She doesn't do food on first dates, which isn't necessarily odd, I've just never come across that. Whatevs. I sent her a short message on Friday to see if she was watching the golf tournament and got no reply. I'm out of town until Wednesday and would like to be able to message her with an idea for some plans (not just Wanna do something?, but Wanna do this specifically?), but I'm in my head too much right now with all these ideas of how to do this dance.
This whole game of patience, which is really just another way of saying "Wanna say something? Don't! Wait on it," is strange. I get it, but it just adds another element to think about. That, and women are confusing me right now. I had been texting with someone and she was excited to meet up, but her upcoming week was busy. The next week I try to contact her to set something up and haven't heard from her at all. All things considered, I did nothing to fuck this up. I'm gonna text her today and see if she's busy or just changed her mind.
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That's annoying. The way I see it, even if you're super busy you can at least shoot out a reply saying that. It's just manners, yo. Unless your job involves being underwater for days or something.
Not doing food on first dates is... a bit weird. What is her reasoning? Do you think she eats like a vacuum cleaner and is hoping you will be initially charmed by her enough to forgive it when you finally see her shoveling handfuls of meat into her face for 45 minutes?
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Yeah, I got no reply on that, so she must be at Sea Lab. :yeahright
The food thing "surprised" me, but I don't really care one way or another.
It seems like I made better connections when I was new to this whole thing. The more I do this, the more rules there are. I get it, all the advice and suggestions are meant to help. But it makes it seem like every woman is on guard and ready to bail on someone the moment they percieve any one of these undesirable traits. I don't want to be afraid to try and connect with someone. And all this focus on the meetup, which is obviously the important part, makes me feel like I need to push for the date and hold back on the other stuff. Is it really that much of a red flag if someone is trying to strike up a convo about shared interests, in hopes of identifying some sort of chemistry going into a first date?
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Nothing odd about not doing food on first dates. It means if things are bad, you can get out quickly, plus I feel like some people don't like to eat in front of others they don't know on a first time meeting. I don't think I have ever had food besides like an appetizer or snack on a first date which even that is rare. Mostly it's usually just a couple drinks at a bar and some chit chatting. After that, it's all game for food. I did meet one girl who flat out just did not like eating out so there is always that too.
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If things are really that terrible, you can leave any situation, including one with food. I still think it's weird. I've eaten on plenty of first dates. I do understand the appeal of just having a drink and talking/getting to know each other and have done that plenty too, but if people are that self-conscious about doing something as basic as eating (you know, something you do daily to stay alive) in front of another person, maybe they shouldn't be dating.
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Nothing odd about not doing food on first dates. It means if things are bad, you can get out quickly, plus I feel like some people don't like to eat in front of others they don't know on a first time meeting. I don't think I have ever had food besides like an appetizer or snack on a first date which even that is rare. Mostly it's usually just a couple drinks at a bar and some chit chatting. After that, it's all game for food. I did meet one girl who flat out just did not like eating out so there is always that too.
Plus the "to pay or not to pay" thing, plus the recent trend of "special diets" (gluten-free, etc.). Not common, but not too big a red flag.
Look Sylvan, the problem with rules is that there are always exceptions. Who knows? Maybe she was juggling two guys on your first discussion, and in the meantime she went out with him and thinks he is the perfect one? Who knows? I know for me, gertting back in the dating scene after my divorce was first and foremost a lesson in humility; one, not every woman is attracted to me (I know! Shock!), not every woman is desperately waiting for me to beat down her door and sweep her away, but most importantly, you can't control what each woman values. You just have to be who you are and hopefully that will click. I guess I was lucky, in that every time that happened, I found someone I liked better, to remind me that there really is more fish in the sea. I remember going on two dates with this neat girl that I really felt there was a connection with (one of our first conversations was an unplanned text session while she was stuck in Wal-Mart; it was hilarious) and she just had a very set idea as to what the progress of her relationship was going to be, and I didn't meet it. I was really hurt, but I just thought, "if that's all it took to cause her to lose focus, that's on her not me, and thank god I found out now and not when kids were involved or something like that". To this day, I really don't know what did end it, but I tend to think I didn't walk the "show respect/prove I'm not in it just for a f***/show passion/show I am physically attracted to her" line well enough. But who knows? You can't beat yourself up over someone else's perferences.
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If things are really that terrible, you can leave any situation, including one with food. I still think it's weird. I've eaten on plenty of first dates. I do understand the appeal of just having a drink and talking/getting to know each other and have done that plenty too, but if people are that self-conscious about doing something as basic as eating (you know, something you do daily to stay alive) in front of another person, maybe they shouldn't be dating.
Probably true, but I think adding food adds more things to an already nervous situation. Sure anyone can jsut leave, but if you have an order of food coming then you need to worry about money and stopping the order and whatnot which is not quite the same as just dropping a 10 on the counter and walking out. I have never experienced that btw, I just read that on many dating sites. A year ago when I first entered the online dating thing, I read a lot about what to do as I had not been single in almost 10 years. It was pretty much standard on those readings that you never get food on a first date, unless things go well and it turns into a meal, which has happened to me before. I am not saying you cannot go for food or anything, but I totally get the mindset of no food and for me, I wouldnt choose to get food either.
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Well I've been texting with two different women at the moment. It looks like one of them (Marissa) is really looking to meet me either tomorrow or Wednesday. She seems genuinely sweet and down-to-earth, so I'm hoping something ignites between us. The other girl (Heather) also wants to meet sometime this week, or at least speak on the phone first. She seems down-to-earth, classy, and reminds of Carla Gugino. As much as I love a jeans and t-shirt girl, there's something about a woman in a dress (or blouse and skirt) and heels that appeals to this whole different side of me.
So we'll see if either of them work out. I was also talking to some other girl but she was way too pushy for my taste, so I stopped talking to her altogether.
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Back on OKCupid again (I feel like such a drama queen for always starting and then deleting it). Have been talking to a man who lives about an hour away; he is a vegan and he is into quite a lot of the same things I am into, although he is unfamiliar with some of it and eager to learn more.
We were talking about the possibility of meeting off site, and at this point I told him, "By the way, I'm trans, but I'm sure you knew that already." And he replied, "I had no idea you were trans, although I had dated a trans woman once before." This makes me feel unbelievably happy and euphoric, and I have been so overjoyed by the fact that he said this yesterday that I have forgotten to reply!
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Back on OKCupid again (I feel like such a drama queen for always starting and then deleting it).
Is this a common thing for women? Is it a product of being overwhelmed by jackasses or total number of daily messages? I was talking to someone who was a GREAT match, and we even agreed that a meetup would be good. Then I went on a few days later to try and lock down plans and her profile was deactivated. I should have gotten her number. Big time bummer.
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Interesting day:
I finally decided to email my old "ghost". I've been thinking about her for various reasons for months now. I finally just had to try again. She replied! WTF! I am 99% fucking blown away surprised that I heard back from her. Now I don't know what to do, like I never really had any plan for this. It's not like I want anything specifically, but I still badly wanna talk about the past, and I'm sure that won't do any good. I think this might be one of those situations that will test my skills as an adult. Oh, and Jackie, it took way more than 30 mins to hit send on that one. Holy shit :rollin.
Been talking to a cool woman and got her number and we're planning on making plans lol. Something next week. I'm excited cuz we've got some solid shared interests, and she's tall and attractive. But she would be the first woman I've seen that's my age, and not younger. She's 32, I'm 31. I've found that women do mature faster than men, and that's why the younger women I've gone out with said they dated up. But, that's why I've dated down. I don't really identify as 31, and am more at a point in my life similar to being 25. This makes me nervous that she might not be into "someone like me".
Turns out the other woman was at SeaLab. By that, I mean she was already busy and then her grandma had a stroke. I sent her a message online, not a text. She sent me like 7 text explaining and apologizing for leaving me hanging. It might be a little bit before we can meet up, but I'm gonna talk to her about maybe connecting more on the phone until then.
I sent a message to my new "ghost", trying to find out how we got to the point where I deserve the ambivalence she's shown me. I'm legitimately trying to learn something from this. I don't need to feel like I'm making a mutual connection with an awesome woman only to have them disappear into thin air. Haven't heard back on that one yet, but we'll see. She's a therapist, so she should know how irresponsible this move is.
And then there's one more, but nothing really to say on that one. She seems cool, in the "Are you cool, mannn" type of way. Trying to lock down a date, but she works weird hours.
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Yeah, somebody who's a therapist SHOULD know, in theory, but all that shit goes out the window in your own relationships. Trust me, I'm a social worker :lol
That one guy I briefly dated who randomly bailed on me was a counselor, and I kept having to remind myself that doesn't make somebody good at this shit.
So what did your ghost say back?? I'm shocked she replied. Man!
I have not seen this new dude in a while because I've been so busy with the film festival. I'm a bit annoyed because I feel like he's been less willing to make effort... like, come down to my hood vs. me going to his. Right now we're 3-1 on that. He is off work Sunday so I suggested we maybe have dinner (I'll be done with the film fest around 6) and he said sure, that I should stay over his place. I've explained this to him before, but I can't just stay at his house, which is 30+ minutes away from my work territory, on a work night. It would be irresponsible of me- if I were to get a call at 8am, I'd be stuck trying to get down south in rush hour traffic. It's just silly, and it would get me shit from my job. He doesn't want to stay with me because he has trouble sleeping in general and even more so in the beds of others, which I totally get, but that doesn't mean he can't come down and hang with me for the evening. He sort of left it at "we'll see" and that kind of annoyed me- like, we can only hang out on your terms, and if I suggest something else suddenly you're maybe not as free as you were ten minutes ago? Meh, maybe I've overanalyzing but I was a bit peeved at that. I feel like when you're dating somebody who lives in a different area, you should go 50/50 on things. You come to my hood, then I go to yours. I am not going to be driving up to your ass every time we hang out! Especially when I have a job that involves driving all fucking day. *grumblegrumble*
On the bright side, he agreed to be my date to Star Wars :lol
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I could see how that is frustrating. Many times the women I have seen never invite my to their place. A bunch lived with their parents still so thats fine, but I was surprised with the ones who live on their own not inviting me. I've only spent time at one girls house before and when we dated it was fairly split on whos house we'd hang at. But for the others, since they never invited me, I always invited them over and its much more comfortable/convenient for me so I can't complain, but always wondered why it was so one sided.
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I could see how that is frustrating. Many times the women I have seen never invite my to their place. A bunch lived with their parents still so thats fine, but I was surprised with the ones who live on their own not inviting me. I've only spent time at one girls house before and when we dated it was fairly split on whos house we'd hang at. But for the others, since they never invited me, I always invited them over and its much more comfortable/convenient for me so I can't complain, but always wondered why it was so one sided.
I think it's about personal space and not revealing too much of themselves just yet. It's one thing to meet someone in person, share a drink or three, but when they enter your personal space, which is a glaring reflection of who you are, it's like shedding every barrier you have surrounding yourself and allowing this person to know everything.
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Staying over... there is a lot there that is probably not evident on the surface. There's the idea that the "invitor" gets to set the plan. I invite you to dinner and a movie and... it's probably perceived more often than not that "me inviting myself to your place" is rude. So there's that.
But for me - and I don't think this applies to Jackie, since it doesn't seem she's looking to settle down with this guy - it's a sort of meta thing. I will do whatever feels right, until it doesn't. Meaning, I would stay over that guy's house until it bothers me, then at that point I have a choice: say something or eat it, and if I say something and he agrees, win, if he doesn't I have to evaluate if I like him enough to have my bluff called. I was engaged to my now wife before I stayed over at her house ONCE. I understood this, because a) she had kids, b) she had an unpredictable ex that lived a couple houses away (and has been known to engage in vandalism and confrontation), and c) hated being there (except for her kids). We were honest with each other, there was nothing hidden, and we dealt with it.
For you, Jackie, I would make it my problem: if he won't step out of his comfort zone, what matters more: my time with him or the potential to take a zinger at work?
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Honestly, at this point it's the latter. Because there are so many options for hanging out that don't involve me sleeping at his place. I live alone (he has two roommates), my place is nice enough, he seems to like my cats... so I'm not sure why he's so opposed to coming down here. Again, I get the sleep thing but we don't have to have a sleepover every time we hang. And sure, it's a half hour drive, but it's the same for me. I was the one who suggested dinner, then he made it an invite for me to stay over. Meh, I dunno. I'm not going to make a big thing of it (because you're right, definitely not settling down here) but I'm also not going to set a standard where he's always getting his way. The way I see Sunday- I've just spent the entire week driving for work AND for the film festival. Hours and hours of driving. If he can't make the effort to drive 30min down to me, maybe we can make plans for another day.
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Look, I have my biases like everyone else (one of mine is I HATE being taken for a fool), so take that for what it is, but this just smacks of "not willing to put in the effort" on his part to me.
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No, I agree. I understand the feeling- of course you'd prefer the other person to come to you because it's more convenient, and I've had relationships where I was totally that person (mostly because of the other's living situation)... so I'm trying to be fair about it, but when there's this much distance between us I'm not willing to totally flip it around and be the one who always drives up to fucking Arvada. So I'm just going to put my foot down about it regarding this weekend. If he doesn't wanna come down here, then we won't hang out unless he has a really good argument/offer for my coming up there.
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I hate sleeping anywhere but my own bed. I just spent two days in a sweet ass resort and got shit sleep on that mattress. And maybe it's just because I'm not getting any :\, but if someone I was into invited me over for the night, I'm not sure what excuse would keep me from that. At least you've got a date for Star Wars!
So what did your ghost say back?? I'm shocked she replied. Man!
I think shocked is an understatement for myself. I just asked some innocent questions about how things have been, and I told her that I think about her occasionally and want to talk to her sometimes. That I dont wanna beat a dead horse, I'm not sure what to expect from this, the past is the past, and to just think of me as a friend she hasnt heard from in a while.
She said she was surprised to hear from me and it's very sweet I still think of her. She gave a short rundown on what she's been up to. She said she took her mother recently to the coffee shop we went to on our first date and she thought about me there.
I'm just thinking about what I actually hope to accomplish with this. I would have bet money that I would never have contact with her again. Now I don't know what to do. But I guess friendly conversation is a good place to start. I just know that the feeling to ask about what happened will eventually overwhelm me until I ask.
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If I invited someone over and they refused or made excuses over and over, I would have to walk away from that. I agree about the effort. It needs to be both ways and good for you to stand your ground Jackie, especially early in any relationship.
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I'd take a sore back for punani.
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Right?! :lol
I mean, he has legitimate sleep issues so I get that, but I'm saying he can still come down to my place even if he doesn't sleep over. We don't have to sleep together every time we hang out, though it's nice to not worry about driving back home later at night.
So here's a new thing: I think he might be upset with me. Basically our text conversation yesterday evening went like this:
T: I just found out my auntie died. She was the family matriarch
J: Oh no! I'm sorry :(... Was she sick?
T: She was 96
J: Well, enough said. That's pretty cool though- most people don't see that age
T: Ya.
(so three hours elapse and I'm starting to think "oh gawd, was I talking too casually about that?)
J: I hope that didn't come off as insensitive, it's just sort of the way I've grown to look at things in my line of work (hospice, for anybody who doesn't know that). Your family doing okay?
T: Nah, it's cool. At first I kinda thought it was until I remembered what you do. I'm hoping to go to her memorial in Florida, but we'll see if I can afford it
J: I hope you can. Do you know when it is? (+insert some talk about the possibility of getting bereavement fare though a lot of airlines don't do that anymore)
(two hours elapse with nothing)
J: Well, I hope you're doing okay :(
I've not heard from him since, in like 12+ hours. I'm hoping it's just him being sad about things, but I'm wondering if either he was expecting me to say/do something that I didn't, or he's upset about me (gawd forbid) being an optimist. Honestly, the fact that he brought up being able to afford the ticket makes me wonder if he was hoping I would offer to give him money or something. I'm trying not to assume anything, but it's weird to me that he would put it out there and then stop talking to me about it. At this point I don't know what else I can do, so I guess I just wait to see if I hear from him :\
edit: he eventually wrote back and seems to be okay, but isn't talking to me much. He may be at work so again trying not to read too much into it.
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It sounds like he understands your position, but it also sounds like he's pretty sad about this. Grieving is different for everyone. He might be in a weird place for a little bit. I guess all you can do is try.
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So yeah, he barely texted me all day. We talked briefly about the plane ticket thing- he said he probably couldn't afford it because he has to get some work done on his car. I asked if he could borrow from his family and he said probably, but doesn't want to ask. I said something like "Well, that's your call but if you think it's important to go and say goodbye, it might be worth it." He never responded to that, so I don't know what else to say/do at this point :|
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Maybe he doesn't know what to say either. But your conversations shouldn't just be about this unfortunate thing that happened in his life. You might try and see if he wants to do something with the sole purpose of getting his mind off things, and maybe even pitch it to him that way. So it doesn't seem like you're doing it for you. But the money thing is all him. If he can't ask family for a small loan to make it to grandma's funeral, then there's something else there between them. Try and engage him in some sort of conversation. If he still continues to be distant, then you can say something later. Being sad and down is expected, but it's not an excuse for him to be an inconsiderate dick.
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Good points. We had talked about possibly hanging out today so maybe I'll ask if he still wants to, but I just feel awkward at this point because I haven't heard from him in 24 hours.
Edit: well he replied like it was no biggie and does want to get dinner, but is having car trouble so I am going up there after all. His car is 20 years old, so I can't argue with that :lol
We'll see how it goes
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I gotta say, its super refreshing to see that overanalyzing is not exclusive to guys. I guess uncertainty can get anyone. Hopefully you can break him out of his slump :yarr (I need to check the emoticon thread for :humping).
I've been talking to the older woman (1 yr older lol) all day, and last night. I've pretty much thrown out any ideas or rules about how this should go. It's resulted in good basic conversation that will hopefully be a good foundation for our first meeting. Time to lock that down!
Edit: Yeah, got plans for Weds! She was kinda talking about living situations, so I told her I currently live with my parents and I'm not trying to hide anything. I got a thumbs up. Now that's one less thing to get anxiety about. I'm excited. She at least was, and I hope she still is, even though she's flashing me a thumbs up.
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Yay, exciting indeed! I could see how the parents thing would be hard news to break and scare some people off, but I'd think a decent gal would still give it a shot. I mean, I admit that would make me slightly nervous (just worrying that the guy was the stereotypical living-in-the-basement type, or creepily attached to his mom or something), but it wouldn't keep me from dating somebody. We are all often in transition, and it's not my place to judge that.
As for my situation, things were totally perfectly normal on our date tonight :lolpalm:
Yes, I am an expert over-analyzer. But I think I had decent reason to believe something was off, since the amount of our communication changed so significantly.
But anyway, it was good. He bought me dinner, then we had yummy Goose Island beer, watched South Park and uh, a few other things. He's going to join some friends and I for game night Friday. He hasn't met any of my friends yet, so we'll see how that goes!
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So... the guy who made me so happy by telling me he didn't know I was trans at all, then went on to ruin it by saying, "Well, I think I might be partially gay anyway."
I told him he's allowed to be gay but that I'm a woman, that I fully intend to get surgery and that if he thinks he might be gay, I am the wrong person to hook up with and he should go find a man. Or he can just be bi like I am. Then he went on to tell me how the word "bi" pushes the gender binary and blah blah blah... and like, I dunno, I'm just sick of talking to him, he's confused and young and I can't deal with that, plus I have two guys right now anyway.
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As for my situation, things were totally perfectly normal on our date tonight :lolpalm
It's one of those times where all you can do is look in the mirror and say to yourself with a big smile on your face, "You're an idiot." Yeah, you might have had decent reason to feel things were off, but a death of someone close will do that apparently. I've been trying to setup a date with someone who's really busy. Now that her grandma had a stroke and is in a questionable state, I'm not expecting anything. Not that I wont get any contact, I'm just not expecting it because of the circumstances.
The living at home thing has felt like more of a stigma with certain women, but not all. The fact that she has a successful career can be intimidating when I'm still trying to solidify mine. But I'm done shooting myself down before they can. I know what kind of person I am, and the fact that she seems understandable about something like that makes me at more excited about connecting. Plus, when I told her, I said I didn't wanna seem like I'm hiding something, and I kinda put out feelers if it was a deal breaker. That's when I got the thumbs up. Maybe that will show her that I'm trying to be honest and open.
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As for my situation, things were totally perfectly normal on our date tonight :lolpalm
It's one of those times where all you can do is look in the mirror and say to yourself with a big smile on your face, "You're an idiot." Yeah, you might have had decent reason to feel things were off, but a death of someone close will do that apparently. I've been trying to setup a date with someone who's really busy. Now that her grandma had a stroke and is in a questionable state, I'm not expecting anything. Not that I wont get any contact, I'm just not expecting it because of the circumstances.
The living at home thing has felt like more of a stigma with certain women, but not all. The fact that she has a successful career can be intimidating when I'm still trying to solidify mine. But I'm done shooting myself down before they can. I know what kind of person I am, and the fact that she seems understandable about something like that makes me at more excited about connecting. Plus, when I told her, I said I didn't wanna seem like I'm hiding something, and I kinda put out feelers if it was a deal breaker. That's when I got the thumbs up. Maybe that will show her that I'm trying to be honest and open.
Immediately after my divorce, my ex moved in with her new boy but all her stuff was in my apartment, including the bedroom (I slept on the couch most of the last year and a half of my marriage). I remember having a date that seemed like it was moving towards "coming over" and I was up front about what she would find. She was too classy to say anything, but it was clear it was a problem. Couple months later, same thing, and I was up front, and she was like "so?" and we're now married.
Be yourself, own your situation, and find that person that accepts your situation.
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So... the guy who made me so happy by telling me he didn't know I was trans at all, then went on to ruin it by saying, "Well, I think I might be partially gay anyway."
What is up with people not having any forethought about things like this. He thinks he may be partially gay? Yeah, he's got his own shit to figure out.
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Be yourself, own your situation, and find that person that accepts your situation.
Fuckin' A bro! I've felt like all these rules, spoken and unspoken, are just confining who I am or can be. I'm gonna try, again, the straightforward, honest, no games approach. I know, certain guidelines still have merit. But I just feel so much better trying to be myself, and not this guy that's calculating every move. I've tried it once, it felt great during the process, the end product was devastating, and it effected me mentally and emotionally. But, that doesn't mean I need to be someone else. I've got my head on straight and things look good.
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So... the guy who made me so happy by telling me he didn't know I was trans at all, then went on to ruin it by saying, "Well, I think I might be partially gay anyway."
What is up with people not having any forethought about things like this.
As much as it upset me, I can't totally blame him because I was confused about this issue for much of my life, too. It's not exactly something they teach you in school.
He thinks he may be partially gay? Yeah, he's got his own shit to figure out.
Yep, exactly.
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My grandfather passed away not too long ago, while I am seeing this girl who Ive been dating for a couple months now. During that time I found I was talking significantly less to her, not any fault of hers, just that I wasn't always wanting to converse like I normally am. Just part of dealing with the loss, not just emotionally, but physically being with family and what not. So just to give an idea from the other side since I can relate recently to that. I wouldn't take anything too serious about someone's actions in that situation because as said, everyone reacts differently, just let time do its thing.
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Be yourself, own your situation, and find that person that accepts your situation.
Fuckin' A bro! I've felt like all these rules, spoken and unspoken, are just confining who I am or can be. I'm gonna try, again, the straightforward, honest, no games approach. I know, certain guidelines still have merit. But I just feel so much better trying to be myself, and not this guy that's calculating every move. I've tried it once, it felt great during the process, the end product was devastating, and it effected me mentally and emotionally. But, that doesn't mean I need to be someone else. I've got my head on straight and things look good.
Look, I fully accept that it was easier for me, because I had resigned myself to being single and basically taking it where I could get it (and being reasonably well-spoken, willing to talk to anyone at any time, having a reasonable amount of coin, and looking ten years younger than my age, it was all that hard if I wasn't TOO picky), but after my divorce I resolved to be, above all things, more authentic. Not really more honest (I was for the most part then and am now, but not above a little white lie if it smoothed things over), not more selfish (because I am a compromiser by nature), but just more... willing to state my case for those things I hold dear. More... authentic. Not going to hide my crossword puzzles. Not going to apologize for being a Kiss fan. Not going to hesitate to share - in a constructive, non-combative way - what emotions I was feeling at that time, even if they included anger.
And I found someone that seemed to like the "authentic" me, so there you go. That's number one why I remarried (I was very ready to be a single guy from here on out).
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So... the guy who made me so happy by telling me he didn't know I was trans at all, then went on to ruin it by saying, "Well, I think I might be partially gay anyway."
I told him he's allowed to be gay but that I'm a woman, that I fully intend to get surgery and that if he thinks he might be gay, I am the wrong person to hook up with and he should go find a man. Or he can just be bi like I am. Then he went on to tell me how the word "bi" pushes the gender binary and blah blah blah... and like, I dunno, I'm just sick of talking to him, he's confused and young and I can't deal with that, plus I have two guys right now anyway.
On the bright side, at least you have two other prospects. :)
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Be yourself, own your situation, and find that person that accepts your situation.
Fuckin' A bro! I've felt like all these rules, spoken and unspoken, are just confining who I am or can be. I'm gonna try, again, the straightforward, honest, no games approach. I know, certain guidelines still have merit. But I just feel so much better trying to be myself, and not this guy that's calculating every move. I've tried it once, it felt great during the process, the end product was devastating, and it effected me mentally and emotionally. But, that doesn't mean I need to be someone else. I've got my head on straight and things look good.
Look, I fully accept that it was easier for me, because I had resigned myself to being single and basically taking it where I could get it (and being reasonably well-spoken, willing to talk to anyone at any time, having a reasonable amount of coin, and looking ten years younger than my age, it was all that hard if I wasn't TOO picky), but after my divorce I resolved to be, above all things, more authentic. Not really more honest (I was for the most part then and am now, but not above a little white lie if it smoothed things over), not more selfish (because I am a compromiser by nature), but just more... willing to state my case for those things I hold dear. More... authentic. Not going to hide my crossword puzzles. Not going to apologize for being a Kiss fan. Not going to hesitate to share - in a constructive, non-combative way - what emotions I was feeling at that time, even if they included anger.
And I found someone that seemed to like the "authentic" me, so there you go. That's number one why I remarried (I was very ready to be a single guy from here on out).
I like what you say. Authenticity is important and there's no point going into anything serious if you aren't being authentic to yourself.
With regards to rules in dating, I think those are all just about not coming on too strong or not making the other person feel negatively towards you in a setting where you dont know each other. I think you can be both authentic and play by the "rules" although I think we all know the rules are very loose and everyone's interpretations are different.
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So... the guy who made me so happy by telling me he didn't know I was trans at all, then went on to ruin it by saying, "Well, I think I might be partially gay anyway."
I told him he's allowed to be gay but that I'm a woman, that I fully intend to get surgery and that if he thinks he might be gay, I am the wrong person to hook up with and he should go find a man. Or he can just be bi like I am. Then he went on to tell me how the word "bi" pushes the gender binary and blah blah blah... and like, I dunno, I'm just sick of talking to him, he's confused and young and I can't deal with that, plus I have two guys right now anyway.
On the bright side, at least you have two other prospects. :)
I appreciate the thought but they are not prospects; they are people with whom I have concurrent sexual relationships and there is no intent for either of them to ever become anything more than what they currently are.
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Well, you can still enjoy their company!
My grandfather passed away not too long ago, while I am seeing this girl who Ive been dating for a couple months now. During that time I found I was talking significantly less to her, not any fault of hers, just that I wasn't always wanting to converse like I normally am. Just part of dealing with the loss, not just emotionally, but physically being with family and what not. So just to give an idea from the other side since I can relate recently to that. I wouldn't take anything too serious about someone's actions in that situation because as said, everyone reacts differently, just let time do its thing.
Oh totally, but I was worried about him being upset with me because of the optimistic thing I said about his dead auntie :lol
And yes guys, hooray for authenticity. I can't do the game shit.
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So... the guy who made me so happy by telling me he didn't know I was trans at all, then went on to ruin it by saying, "Well, I think I might be partially gay anyway."
I told him he's allowed to be gay but that I'm a woman, that I fully intend to get surgery and that if he thinks he might be gay, I am the wrong person to hook up with and he should go find a man. Or he can just be bi like I am. Then he went on to tell me how the word "bi" pushes the gender binary and blah blah blah... and like, I dunno, I'm just sick of talking to him, he's confused and young and I can't deal with that, plus I have two guys right now anyway.
On the bright side, at least you have two other prospects. :)
I appreciate the thought but they are not prospects; they are people with whom I have concurrent sexual relationships and there is no intent for either of them to ever become anything more than what they currently are.
It's something - at least until something more viable comes along.
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Well, you can still enjoy their company!
My grandfather passed away not too long ago, while I am seeing this girl who Ive been dating for a couple months now. During that time I found I was talking significantly less to her, not any fault of hers, just that I wasn't always wanting to converse like I normally am. Just part of dealing with the loss, not just emotionally, but physically being with family and what not. So just to give an idea from the other side since I can relate recently to that. I wouldn't take anything too serious about someone's actions in that situation because as said, everyone reacts differently, just let time do its thing.
Oh totally, but I was worried about him being upset with me because of the optimistic thing I said about his dead auntie :lol
And yes guys, hooray for authenticity. I can't do the game shit.
Not to play psychologist here, and you don't have to answer out loud (but perhaps something to think about), why not? Or if you find it hard, maybe pick one specific thing to focus on? I tend to think you might have already done that, or at least be better at it than you think. I think the biggest part of being "authentic" is really just being honest with yourself about what is important to you and how you value things. I mean this FAR more respectfully than it might sound, but your approach to dating (perhaps being a little fluid about settling down, perhaps being a little fluid about with whom you enjoy the moment) is to me a rather authentic way to live life. I admire you in many respects and that's one of them.
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So I've been seeing a lot of this girl that I've been talking about lately, and we've decided to start dating!
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Hooray! Congrats :)
Well, you can still enjoy their company!
My grandfather passed away not too long ago, while I am seeing this girl who Ive been dating for a couple months now. During that time I found I was talking significantly less to her, not any fault of hers, just that I wasn't always wanting to converse like I normally am. Just part of dealing with the loss, not just emotionally, but physically being with family and what not. So just to give an idea from the other side since I can relate recently to that. I wouldn't take anything too serious about someone's actions in that situation because as said, everyone reacts differently, just let time do its thing.
Oh totally, but I was worried about him being upset with me because of the optimistic thing I said about his dead auntie :lol
And yes guys, hooray for authenticity. I can't do the game shit.
Not to play psychologist here, and you don't have to answer out loud (but perhaps something to think about), why not? Or if you find it hard, maybe pick one specific thing to focus on? I tend to think you might have already done that, or at least be better at it than you think. I think the biggest part of being "authentic" is really just being honest with yourself about what is important to you and how you value things. I mean this FAR more respectfully than it might sound, but your approach to dating (perhaps being a little fluid about settling down, perhaps being a little fluid about with whom you enjoy the moment) is to me a rather authentic way to live life. I admire you in many respects and that's one of them.
Aww, thanks! :blush
I am a bit confused about what you are asking above that, though. Why don't I like to play games?
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Hooray! Congrats :)
Well, you can still enjoy their company!
My grandfather passed away not too long ago, while I am seeing this girl who Ive been dating for a couple months now. During that time I found I was talking significantly less to her, not any fault of hers, just that I wasn't always wanting to converse like I normally am. Just part of dealing with the loss, not just emotionally, but physically being with family and what not. So just to give an idea from the other side since I can relate recently to that. I wouldn't take anything too serious about someone's actions in that situation because as said, everyone reacts differently, just let time do its thing.
Oh totally, but I was worried about him being upset with me because of the optimistic thing I said about his dead auntie :lol
And yes guys, hooray for authenticity. I can't do the game shit.
Not to play psychologist here, and you don't have to answer out loud (but perhaps something to think about), why not? Or if you find it hard, maybe pick one specific thing to focus on? I tend to think you might have already done that, or at least be better at it than you think. I think the biggest part of being "authentic" is really just being honest with yourself about what is important to you and how you value things. I mean this FAR more respectfully than it might sound, but your approach to dating (perhaps being a little fluid about settling down, perhaps being a little fluid about with whom you enjoy the moment) is to me a rather authentic way to live life. I admire you in many respects and that's one of them.
Aww, thanks! :blush
I am a bit confused about what you are asking above that, though. Why don't I like to play games?
Haha, I'm reading back and I'm confused too. I think it misread it the first time; when I replied, I was taking it as if you were unsure about how authentic you could be in terms of relationships.
I'm going to go stand in the corner for a while. :)
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Oh ok, well that makes sense in that context :lol
I am trying my best to be as authentic as possible but there have definitely been times when I was not.
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am meeting up with man this weekend
& and it makes me feel things i have never felt in places that did not exist two years ago
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I started talking to this girl on OKCupid a few days ago. We've been hitting it off amazingly. She's cool and weird in all of the right places, yet I also feel her sensitive side. She actually asked me to hang out before I had the chance to broach the topic with her. I'm not getting my hopes up because they all start off like this so I'm just going with the flow and hoping for the best.
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Go with the flow my friend. You will never find the right person if you never try. Just go in enjoying the moment.
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Go with the flow my friend. You will never find the right person if you never try. Just go in enjoying the moment.
That's exactly what I'm doing. No pressure and just letting nature run its course. :)
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Me and another girl have been talking for a while, honestly way too long, and then all of a sudden tonight we're like, "I really like you" to each other. It was so adorable. We're taking it slow as I just got done with two simultaneous relationships with men over the weekend and I need a little time to process their ends and not confuse the different things with each other.
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Well, no need to rush!
Things have been going well with the girl I've been seeing, but we don't see a ton of each other due to schedules.
I have been seeing that guy I mentioned recently now for over a month, and we finally had a discussion about monogamy. Basically right now we're both really into each other and it's fine, but eventually we'll be going in different directions. He's the white picket fence type, me notsomuch. As he said, we have an expiration date. But hopefully not anytime soon.
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There's nothing behind the white picket fence unless you like mundane living. I've been there and it's a restricting and an expectant lifestyle.
I took my ex's daughter to see Falling In Reverse at Starland Ballroom last night. It's basically a younger crowd so I was hanging out by the bar with some of the other parents. I saw a woman standing by herself and after some exchanges of smiles, I worked up the nerve to go up to her and start a conversation. We hit it off immediately and it winds up she's a huge metalhead. She showed me her Type O Negative tattoo (she has some others also) and we were talking about all of the concerts we've been to. We exchanged phone numbers and we're going to get together within the next few days.
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I am starting to feel an expiration is coming with the girl I've been seeing. We've been dating for quite some time now, I met her back in August and things have kind of come to a stall with us. I really like her in many ways. She is funny and we have similar interests and we get along really well... having said that, there are some issues which are really preventing me from going further and making a commitment.
First of all, I totally believe at least part of this is my own insecurities of being in a relationship in general. Just based on my past experiences I know I am slightly turned off to a committed relationship just because of how difficult my last one was and how depressed it made me. There is a small part inside me that feels like I could never be like that again, as in I may never marry anyone. Then there is the part of me that says, that was the past and a bad ending to a long relationship and if I meet the right person, then I will want to have a relationship again.
Well, 4 months into dating and I feel like I am getting to the point where I either need to make a commitment or move on. Like I said, I do really like her in many ways, but I can't shake the feeling that she is not the right one for me. What makes me feel that way is for one, I think our sex together is poor. While I have not told her I think our sex isn't good, I think she gets it by seeing how we both struggle at times to get each other off and we have talked about what we like/dislike, but in general, we are both relatively green in this area for our ages as I was with one girl for almost 10 years who was practically uninterested in sex and she has admitted she isn't very experienced overall. I feel like this CAN get ironed out over time, but it's something that does bother me in terms of long term stability.
But here is my biggest issue and I think I am going to come off as a dick by saying this, but it's honestly how I feel... she has a lot of personal issues. Her life is VERY unstable. She came over last night and I made her dinner because she has been very stressed and upset about her mother who is in poor health and while we were eating she broke down in front of me and spilled the beans on whats going on. This conversation is not the turning point in my feelings, I knew a lot of this based on putting pieces together from other conversations, but this one talk was where she flat out said everything. Her father passed away, her mother is a drug addict, she has two older brothers who are much older (20+ years older) and they are from a different mother so their relationship isn't very strong. Her mom has no health insurance and is currently in the hospital with an unknown issue. Then from her side, she has no real job. She babysits and goes to school. So she has literally no money as a 30 year old. She also has no home, she lives with her friend's family who was nice enough to take her in. I feel ridiculously bad for her and the hand she has been dealt. But I believe all these personal issues, which are not minor, really weigh down on her. I also believe she has a major health problem that she either isn't telling me or doesn't realize she has. She also does not have health insurance so she isn't going to go through and get checked out. There have been many times where we hung out and out of no where she is just in a lot of pain and refuses to tell me whats going on. It's very odd and makes me feel very uncomfortable honestly. If I ever ask her what's wrong, I don't get an answer and she brushes it off, but something clearly isn't right if you are in that much pain. I think she also drinks a lot to deal with her "pain" whether that be emotional or physical pain.
While the above is all really tough to deal with for her and I feel like a total ass writing about it as a negative towards her (which a lot of that is out of her control so it shouldn't effect how I feel about her... but it does). I can't help but think she is not girlfriend material for me. I have worked VERY hard to get where I am in live and I feel like I have been very generous to her with dinners, road trips, concerts, sporting events.... all things I organize and I pay for (which I don't mind honestly), but she cannot provide anything in return other than some good jokes with her sense of humor that I really like.
So to summarize, I feel like I can't be in a relationship with this girl for reasons that I am not even sure are valid so I am not sure if its just my mind messing with me or I have legit concerns here. I am starting to feel like I am becoming a dick essentially by either dragging her along or by ending this while she is in a bad state personally so I am not sure what to do now. Because we have similar interests, I would almost rather her just be my friend but I know thats not going to be possible, so Im guessing I need to break the news to her, but I don't know how I can tell her when everything else around her is just so negative.
Sorry for the long post, but if nothing else, it helps me feel better to write all that out.
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I saw a woman standing by herself and after some exchanges of smiles, I worked up the nerve to go up to her and start a conversation.
I wish I had the balls to do that, thats awesome!
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I saw a woman standing by herself and after some exchanges of smiles, I worked up the nerve to go up to her and start a conversation.
I wish I had the balls to do that, thats awesome!
The beers helped. :lol Though, I've become more confident as I've got older. Ten years ago I would never have even tried to smile at her, let alone go up to her and converse.
You sound like me, Cram. I feel like after the last two relationships and how they ended that I've been perpetually jaded. I've already chased away a few dating opportunities that could have went well just because I fear what could happen.
As far as your issues with her position in life, that is something you need to sit down and figure out yourself. Yes, you would probably come off as selfish and dickish if you told her those things, so don't. :lol What you need to do is figure out if this girl could bring you the happiness you deserve. Everything else should be second priority. That's just me. I have no problem being the sole financial contributor in a relationship if the girl does everything right by me. Not everybody is like that though. It also raises the concern of someone becoming so complacent with things that they start to expect it and take advantage of it. It's something you need to contemplate. If you genuinely care about this girl, then her instabilities should be something you're willing to help her through. However, I think I pretty much have you figured out. Someone like this girl who is unable to function on her own would not be good for you. You yourself need someone a bit more stable and secure and who can be there for you and understand that you won't always have a firm grasp on things. Do you know what I'm saying?
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I think Prog Snob is on to something. I think it is all up to what you can or want to handle. If I loved her, and looked forward to being with her, and liked her company, I would figure out a way to help and support her. My deal breaker would be the pain, more specifically, her not telling me what is causing it. My mantra with my wife is that there is nothing I can't handle, nothing I can't deal with as long as I know what it is.
As for the sex, as someone who was in a relatively boring, and often sexless marriage, I wouldn't minimize that. Yes, it can be fixed, but it should be fixed (if that is important to you). Figure out if it really can be fixed; if at the end of the day great sex for you involves, say, a minimum of three people, and she's not up for that, or if great sex for her involves you screaming in pain and you're not up for that, you've got a problem that can't really be fixed at least by her.
Only you can say, but from where I'm sitting, you are at a crossroads; it could be real concerns, it could just be cold feet. Both are completely normal feelings, but have different solutions, and only you can figure that out.
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Thanks guys and I get what you are both saying.
I do believe I would rather be with someone who at our age is self sufficient. I have no problem being the one who provides the financial support for things we do together, but I don't want to be the one who is her support for everything, and to be clear, she has not asked me to or even hinted at me helping her in any way outside of the things we do together. This leads back to my ex and my insecurities though. In that relationship I provided the same financial support, she was in school throughout our entire relationship as she became a doctor. I loved her and had no problem paying majority of our rent, paying for our meals, paying for entertainment so that she would not have to take out more student loans. I thought we would have a life together and it was in both of our best interests to keep her debt low. Right before we officially ended she accidently told me how much money she had in her bank account and it was literally double of what I had. I felt like she robbed me (and on her way out she made sure to take a lot more of my money with her). That was one of the final nails in the coffin for me (there had been plenty of other nails). All of those times I put money into helping her and she was secretly saving her own stash, never offering to pay for anything along the way. When you say:
It also raises the concern of someone becoming so complacent with things that they start to expect it and take advantage of it. It's something you need to contemplate.
It immediately made me think about that. I wasn't even thinking about her taking advantage of me and I do not believe she is in anyway, but maybe if this continues then that is the path it leads too. But regardless, I really am interested in someone who has a more stable life if I am going to commit myself to them. It's easy to say you would support someone you love, but I do not love this girl and I am not sure I want to continue and possibly fall in love and then have her problems become mine. Extremely selfish thought, but that is also easily my biggest fault, I am very selfish.
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That's tough cram. That's one of the things that scares me to death is getting to a certain point and realizing it's not right for the future. But I guess that's how these things go, re-evaluating at certain points.
I started talking to this woman like 6 weeks ago. The one who I thought bailed on me, but had family issues along with her busy schedule. We've been chatting occasionally waiting for her semester to end, which is this week. So hopefully we can go out sometime soon, but it's kinda weird to me. When I first started talking to her, I didn't get too deep cuz I wanted to talk face to face. Through all of this, the conversation has stayed pretty basic, no real depth. She has a really busy schedule, and our chats are sporadic at best, a lot of time between replies, from both of us. I'm trying to think about what I can do to kinda ramp up the excitement, for both of us, going into the first date. And I simply mean reasonable first date excitement. Also with the patience we've both shown, it would be cool if we hit it off in some way. I'm also nervous about not cutting it after all this time. She seems pretty easy to talk to. Any ideas?
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I'm not sure, kinda sounds like you've lost some momentum with her. That isn't a death sentence, but if you can't even figure out how to see each other now it's going to be rough.
Cram, as for your situation I don't blame you one bit. Yeah, it's selfish, but I'd feel the same way. Frankly she sounds like a hot mess, even if she is super cool. Somebody like that is cool to date for a while and then you realize that maybe it would be nice to be with somebody who has their shit together. If you're not madly in love, maybe not worth the effort. I've been there. I don't need a guy to support me or make a certain amount of money or anything like that, but at a certain point being 30 and not self-sufficient is decidedly unsexy.
John, awesome about the lady you met! Sounds promising.
And you're right about the white picket fence, but I think that kind of dull life is ultimately what this dude wants. *shrug*
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John, awesome about the lady you met! Sounds promising.
Thanks Jackie! We're going out Monday. I'm taking her to her favorite restaurant and it'll be my first time trying Vietnamese food.
It immediately made me think about that. I wasn't even thinking about her taking advantage of me and I do not believe she is in anyway, but maybe if this continues then that is the path it leads too. But regardless, I really am interested in someone who has a more stable life if I am going to commit myself to them. It's easy to say you would support someone you love, but I do not love this girl and I am not sure I want to continue and possibly fall in love and then have her problems become mine. Extremely selfish thought, but that is also easily my biggest fault, I am very selfish.
It is NOT selfish. There's nothing selfish about self-preservation. You need to put yourself first, hands down. You are no good to someone if you can't even get your own thoughts straight and figure out what truly makes you happy. Find someone who complements you best. The more time you spend on finding reasons to stay with someone, the less time you're investing on someone worth the struggle.
Only you can say, but from where I'm sitting, you are at a crossroads; it could be real concerns, it could just be cold feet. Both are completely normal feelings, but have different solutions, and only you can figure that out.
Exactly!
I started talking to this woman like 6 weeks ago. The one who I thought bailed on me, but had family issues along with her busy schedule. We've been chatting occasionally waiting for her semester to end, which is this week. So hopefully we can go out sometime soon, but it's kinda weird to me. When I first started talking to her, I didn't get too deep cuz I wanted to talk face to face. Through all of this, the conversation has stayed pretty basic, no real depth. She has a really busy schedule, and our chats are sporadic at best, a lot of time between replies, from both of us. I'm trying to think about what I can do to kinda ramp up the excitement, for both of us, going into the first date. And I simply mean reasonable first date excitement. Also with the patience we've both shown, it would be cool if we hit it off in some way. I'm also nervous about not cutting it after all this time. She seems pretty easy to talk to. Any ideas?
Jackie's right on this. If you're forcing conversation and struggling to keep it interesting, it's not going to get any easier. I'd still say to go on the first date and maybe that will create a new spark. After that, the decision will be clearer.
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I already know my decision, I cannot be serious with this girl even as cool and as much fun as we have had together. It's just a matter of when and how I let her know this. I do not wish to lead her on or to drag this on only to make the ending worse, but in a way, there is nothing wrong with us at the moment. She has not asked or made movements to make me believe she wants to be serious, the only reason I bring that up is because we have been dating for months now, enough time that I would have thought this conversation would come up. Since I have my doubts, I have not wanted to bring this convo up. Maybe she has her own doubts too and thats why she hasn't? I do not know.
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It's that much harder when there isn't an easy negative to pin it on. But at some point, emotions/feelings are kind of a big deal. At the least, you've been dating long enough to have this discussion. But it also sounds like there might not be much of a discussion, cuz you've already made your decision.
It's not like we're forcing discussion so much as I/we shifted into the "waiting" zone. I intentionally didn't dig too deep cuz I wanted to have some stuff to talk about on the first date. But with the way things have gone so far, I just need to make an effort to reignite some spark going into the first date. My head has just been in a weird place about it, and I'm just trying to change the tone. We talked some last night, and I started to take the convo further, but nothing crazy. I'll just talk to her about it. Nothing suggests that she's lost interest either. Maybe she feels the same way.
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Let's hope so!
Cram, I've been there. But in my case I dragged it on longer than I should have. It's tough because there's not necessarily anything wrong and you still like the person, but where do you draw the line? I definitely haven't perfected that art yet. 0ne part of me is just like "Live in the moment, enjoy the person's company until you don't anymore!" But you also don't want to feel like you're leading them on. It doesn't sound like she's expecting anything serious (maybe she realizes she's not in a good place for that), so that's a plus. When you do break it off, give her a number for a therapist :p
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Let's hope so!
Cram, I've been there. But in my case I dragged it on longer than I should have. It's tough because there's not necessarily anything wrong and you still like the person, but where do you draw the line? I definitely haven't perfected that art yet. 0ne part of me is just like "Live in the moment, enjoy the person's company until you don't anymore!" But you also don't want to feel like you're leading them on. It doesn't sound like she's expecting anything serious (maybe she realizes she's not in a good place for that), so that's a plus. When you do break it off, give her a number for a therapist :p
You nailed it. Trying to be a decent person and not lead her on, but also I do have fun with her and also I do not want to "pile on" when she is already in a rough spot. We will see how this goes, I don't have immediate plans to say something, but I also don't currently have any plans with her and we are both traveling soon (her next week and then me the week after).
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Well, see what happens. Maybe you'll drift apart, but if not you just have to figure out when you're ready to tap out, I guess.
I'm a bit bummed because this dude cancelled on me tonight. We live 30ish minutes from each other and have conflicting schedules (healthcare, retail) so we don't see a ton of each other, though we've made it work. Well, tonight I had been invited to a coworker's party that was less than two miles away from his house. Last week, he had agreed to join me. I knew he had to go to a work meeting tomorrow morning and that he wouldn't be able to stay late/we couldn't make a big night of it, but I was happy I'd at least be able to see him since I was in his hood for once. Well, at the last minute he said he was too tired to come out. Really, you can't drive five minutes and hang out with me for an hour? It's not like he was off work late- it was 8pm. Argh. I was talking to my neighbor about it earlier and I think I'm just going to back off a bit and see what happens. I feel like I'm putting forth way more effort at this point. I couldn't have made it easier for him to hang with me (other than drive the 5min to his house), and he still didn't want to see me. Meh.
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I'm a bit bummed because this dude cancelled on me tonight. We live 30ish minutes from each other and have conflicting schedules (healthcare, retail) so we don't see a ton of each other, though we've made it work. Well, tonight I had been invited to a coworker's party that was less than two miles away from his house. Last week, he had agreed to join me. I knew he had to go to a work meeting tomorrow morning and that he wouldn't be able to stay late/we couldn't make a big night of it, but I was happy I'd at least be able to see him since I was in his hood for once. Well, at the last minute he said he was too tired to come out. Really, you can't drive five minutes and hang out with me for an hour? It's not like he was off work late- it was 8pm. Argh. I was talking to my neighbor about it earlier and I think I'm just going to back off a bit and see what happens. I feel like I'm putting forth way more effort at this point. I couldn't have made it easier for him to hang with me (other than drive the 5min to his house), and he still didn't want to see me. Meh.
Sorry to hear that, Jackie. I can't blame you for being disappointed and irritated by it. I've had the same exact mindset as it has happened to me. If someone keeps making an excuse for not seeing me, then eventually I just give up. I understand that people are tired, they have bad days, etc. However, it still speaks volumes about the effort they're putting into a relationship. Even if all of his excuses are true, he's still not working with you. If he isn't able to handle the rigors of a relationship then he needs to discuss that with you.
I drove down to Cape May to see this girl I was dating because she was down there with family for the week and we didn't want to go a whole week without seeing each other. I was exhausted and at the time I was getting up at 4:30 in the morning. However, I really missed her and wanted to see her. Fast forward the evening, I wound up getting arrested while driving home (it was about midnight) because I was falling asleep at the wheel and swerving all over the road. The cops saw me and I spent a few hours in jail. So yeah, if it's too much for him to drive a few minutes out of the way to spend time with you, you have some thinking to do about his contribution to the relationship. You deserve better than that. :heart
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Aww, thanks. And dude, that's crazy about being arrested! I have been in similar situations though. It's not that people should always bend over backwards and risk stuff like that, but a little bit of effort is necessary for things to work/for the other person to feel valued.
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Aww, thanks. And dude, that's crazy about being arrested! I have been in similar situations though. It's not that people should always bend over backwards and risk stuff like that, but a little bit of effort is necessary for things to work/for the other person to feel valued.
I'm still going through the court system regarding the incident.
Effort speaks volumes but lack of effort even louder. Backing off for a bit is a wise move. Let him prove himself. You can't be the only one trying.
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I mean if someone has to back out every once in awhile because they are legit tired, that's ok even though it's disappointing, but when you are just starting to date someone in the early stages, backing out is an annoyance and to me shows a lack of interest. Sorry that happened, hopefully it didn't ruin your night and you still had fun.
I had the funniest and maybe saddest situation happen last night with my friend. This guy is a dick, I will be honest. I like to surround myself with people I think are "good" and "moral" and this one friend is probably the only exception. He is a nice guy and all, but I totally don't agree with the way he treats women. Having said that, he was over my house last night and we were hanging out.
So he had been dating this girl for some time now, at least a few months. SHe has been over my house a few times and even picked the two of us up from the airport before. She is a very nice girl and a girl I wish he would seriously date. Well at least I DID wish that, not sure how I feel about her now, although this is totally all on him really. So he has also been banging many girls as well besides this one. He admits that to me and our friends, I honestly do not know if this girl knows that. Anyway, we go out for a bit and come back to my house where we walk in and my brother has four of his friends over and on the couch is also that one girl my friend had been seeing.
Apparently she just kind of walked into the house with my brother's friends and hung out with them for about 45 minutes. My brother recognized her and she said she was friends with my friend so they all just thought she was ok, although very wierded out by her just hanging there. Well when we walk in, my friends jaw drops and they end up talking in my basement for about 40 minutes. No idea what happens now with them, but I told him he needs to stop because she is either crazy or he is driving her crazy with the way he treats her.
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^^^ I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is? How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker? Did I not read closely enough?
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Tonight is my date with the woman I met at the show. I'm feeling good about this. I don't think she ever thought I would have went up to her and spoke to her. Yesterday we added each other on Facebook and I was looking at some of her photos from the show. A little while before I decided to go up to her, she put an update on her page saying that it's mostly a younger crowd but there is one hot dad standing near me.
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^^^ I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is? How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker? Did I not read closely enough?
I, too, was waiting for something more extreme, but I think I get his point. Cram, did your friends have plans to see this girl or did she just take it upon herself to try and track you guys down?
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^^^ I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is? How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker? Did I not read closely enough?
I, too, was waiting for something more extreme, but I think I get his point. Cram, did your friends have plans to see this girl or did she just take it upon herself to try and track you guys down?
She took it upon herself to just show up to confront my friend, she even just chilled on my couch with my brother's friends (who she doesnt know) for 45 minutes just waiting for us to come home to speak to him. My friend is the dick because he has been dragging this girl along for months while he fucks other girls, which I am pretty sure she knows nothing about. Like, he treats her like his gf to her face (a lot of our other friends thought they were actually a couple as she is the only girl he posts stuff on FB with and talks about generally with other people) but then does whatever behind her back. She called him out.
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^^^ I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is? How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker? Did I not read closely enough?
I, too, was waiting for something more extreme, but I think I get his point. Cram, did your friends have plans to see this girl or did she just take it upon herself to try and track you guys down?
She took it upon herself to just show up to confront my friend, she even just chilled on my couch with my brother's friends (who she doesnt know) for 45 minutes just waiting for us to come home to speak to him. My friend is the dick because he has been dragging this girl along for months while he fucks other girls, which I am pretty sure she knows nothing about. Like, he treats her like his gf to her face (a lot of our other friends thought they were actually a couple as she is the only girl he posts stuff on FB with and talks about generally with other people) but then does whatever behind her back. She called him out.
Maybe she didn't approach it the best way but I can't blame her. If I suspect someone of doing something and I want answers, I have very little patience so I would probably do something similar.
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^^^ I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is? How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker? Did I not read closely enough?
I, too, was waiting for something more extreme, but I think I get his point. Cram, did your friends have plans to see this girl or did she just take it upon herself to try and track you guys down?
She took it upon herself to just show up to confront my friend, she even just chilled on my couch with my brother's friends (who she doesnt know) for 45 minutes just waiting for us to come home to speak to him. My friend is the dick because he has been dragging this girl along for months while he fucks other girls, which I am pretty sure she knows nothing about. Like, he treats her like his gf to her face (a lot of our other friends thought they were actually a couple as she is the only girl he posts stuff on FB with and talks about generally with other people) but then does whatever behind her back. She called him out.
I'm not sure I blame her. People ought to be accountable for their actions; he fucks around, he should accept the responsibility. I get that you think she's "not aware" of what's going on, but her showing up to call him out kind of tells another story on that.
I'm not being critical of you, Cram, I'm just trying to understand.
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^^^ I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is? How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker? Did I not read closely enough?
I, too, was waiting for something more extreme, but I think I get his point. Cram, did your friends have plans to see this girl or did she just take it upon herself to try and track you guys down?
She took it upon herself to just show up to confront my friend, she even just chilled on my couch with my brother's friends (who she doesnt know) for 45 minutes just waiting for us to come home to speak to him. My friend is the dick because he has been dragging this girl along for months while he fucks other girls, which I am pretty sure she knows nothing about. Like, he treats her like his gf to her face (a lot of our other friends thought they were actually a couple as she is the only girl he posts stuff on FB with and talks about generally with other people) but then does whatever behind her back. She called him out.
Maybe she didn't approach it the best way but I can't blame her. If I suspect someone of doing something and I want answers, I have very little patience so I would probably do something similar.
I don't blame her for getting worked up with him, he treats women like garbage and this girl was really nice and I liked her a lot for him, so I felt bad, but at the same time I felt really pissed off that she just walked into my house when I was not there and uninvited. My brother is nice and just assumed we knew she was coming so he did what any decent guy would do and let her chill and hang out with them even though they were all very weirded out by what was going on.
However, there is a place where you draw the line. Entering into my house (not my friend's place) to confront my friend without my knowledge is not very cool with me even if I agree that my friends actions probably deserved him to get embarrassed like that. I had a good laugh though, I will forever make fun of him for this.
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^^^ I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is? How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker? Did I not read closely enough?
I, too, was waiting for something more extreme, but I think I get his point. Cram, did your friends have plans to see this girl or did she just take it upon herself to try and track you guys down?
She took it upon herself to just show up to confront my friend, she even just chilled on my couch with my brother's friends (who she doesnt know) for 45 minutes just waiting for us to come home to speak to him. My friend is the dick because he has been dragging this girl along for months while he fucks other girls, which I am pretty sure she knows nothing about. Like, he treats her like his gf to her face (a lot of our other friends thought they were actually a couple as she is the only girl he posts stuff on FB with and talks about generally with other people) but then does whatever behind her back. She called him out.
Maybe she didn't approach it the best way but I can't blame her. If I suspect someone of doing something and I want answers, I have very little patience so I would probably do something similar.
I don't blame her for getting worked up with him, he treats women like garbage and this girl was really nice and I liked her a lot for him, so I felt bad, but at the same time I felt really pissed off that she just walked into my house when I was not there and uninvited. My brother is nice and just assumed we knew she was coming so he did what any decent guy would do and let her chill and hang out with them even though they were all very weirded out by what was going on.
However, there is a place where you draw the line. Entering into my house (not my friend's place) to confront my friend without my knowledge is not very cool with me even if I agree that my friends actions probably deserved him to get embarrassed like that. I had a good laugh though, I will forever make fun of him for this.
So where do they stand right now?
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I haven't asked for an update since then and he didn't want to tell me details after it happened (he looked like he was crying) other than they are still going to talk and maybe see each other :facepalm:
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I haven't asked for an update since then and he didn't want to tell me details after it happened (he looked like he was crying) other than they are still going to talk and maybe see each other :facepalm:
I feel bad for her.
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I haven't asked for an update since then and he didn't want to tell me details after it happened (he looked like he was crying) other than they are still going to talk and maybe see each other :facepalm:
I feel bad for her.
As do I. She is a really nice girl. He just puts value of women at like nothing and its sad. I've told him before it's wrong what he does, but he won't stop. He is a really good looking guy so it's very easy for him to get a girl, but any girl with brains runs away from him pretty quickly.
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I haven't asked for an update since then and he didn't want to tell me details after it happened (he looked like he was crying) other than they are still going to talk and maybe see each other :facepalm:
I feel bad for her.
As do I. She is a really nice girl. He just puts value of women at like nothing and its sad. I've told him before it's wrong what he does, but he won't stop. He is a really good looking guy so it's very easy for him to get a girl, but any girl with brains runs away from him pretty quickly.
That makes sense. An intelligent woman could probably read him and know exactly what she would be getting into.
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not a lonely heart in any sense of the word anymore :)
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not a lonely heart in any sense of the word anymore :)
Woot Woot! :hat
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not a lonely heart in any sense of the word anymore :)
:tup awesome
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Relationships suck.
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not a lonely heart in any sense of the word anymore :)
Good for you. :)
Relationships suck.
They do. I'm not looking for a long-term thing anymore. After coming out of two emotionally supercharged relationships, I need a fucking break. I'm just going to enjoy myself for a bit, keep it casual, and whatever happens happens.
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That's probably the best thing you can do, enjoy yourself and go with the flow.
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That's probably the best thing you can do, enjoy yourself and go with the flow.
The date last night went alright. It wasn't anything that blew me away. She's really cool and we have a bit in common but she seemed a bit timid. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. But if history repeats itself, and it usually does, once my full intensity comes out it will probably be too much for her.
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Relationships suck.
as someone who always always always tries to avoid feelings, there is something liberating about letting yourself go once in a while. i often forget that romantic affection is a lot like sex: you need it every so often. not as often as sex, but you know.
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Relationships suck.
Truth
Great at first. Dare I say euphoric, but then you start getting tired of each other, get on each other's nerves and bicker more and more.
I'm am much sadder being alone than being mildly annoyed, so it is what it is.
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^^^ Both of you nailed it. Although, I've never gotten to the sick of each other phase. Apparently it's not inevitable though ;).
I need to vent this out:
About myself:
I apparently have a problem fully accepting that someone just isn't right for me, or it never would have worked, or that they're not in the same place mentally/emotionally as me. It happened to me when I was 19-20 and it took me a long time to get past that. I look back at that with total embarrassment, that I was a complete fool, and its maybe one of the biggest regrets I have in my life. Every time I've looked back on that period of my life, I feel foolish, and I always vow to never be that guy again. Fast forward 12 years and this feels all too familiar. I just can't seem to get this person out of my head. Even though I consciously know that I have no reason to be stuck on her. Except; I let a buddy borrow my go pro. I thought I erased everything before giving it to him, but I got it back and found a ton of pics from our kayaking outing we had. I swore I deleted them. I scrolled down on the messaging app on my tablet and found our text conversation from four months ago. I swore I deleted that. I went to Universal Studios yesterday and stood in line next to her doppelganger (who wears heels to a theme park?) I guess I'm just mad at myself.
About someone else:
WTF is up with people yo? I've mentioned this before. I went out with someone, she wanted to date someone else, I thought she was cool enough to be friends with, texted with each other for a couple months with my sole intention to try and be actual friends. She then invited me over to make dinner at her place (and would owe me 20 hangouts), I approach it as just friends. She later tells me she started dating a guy, right around that time, and really liked him. Good for her. I say hey lets hangout again, we can cook again or something. She says, "Just be to be clear, would this be as just friends?" What else would it be? If she has to be clear about this, what was the dynamic of the last dinner? If someone is being held to date standards, shouldn't they know they're on a date!? And she's even telling me how I need to find a woman who is honest and straightforward. Since then, she reverted back to meaningless convo topics. Now I haven't heard from her in like 3 weeks. It's become clear that she's one of those people that disappears into a relationship. It's just a bummer, and I don't mean that romantically in any way. I was really proud of myself for being mature about this situation, and not being that guy again that can't acknowledge reality. Women be confusing yo! :huh:
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^^^ Both of you nailed it. Although, I've never gotten to the sick of each other phase. Apparently it's not inevitable though ;).
I need to vent this out:
About myself:
I apparently have a problem fully accepting that someone just isn't right for me, or it never would have worked, or that they're not in the same place mentally/emotionally as me. It happened to me when I was 19-20 and it took me a long time to get past that. I look back at that with total embarrassment, that I was a complete fool, and its maybe one of the biggest regrets I have in my life. Every time I've looked back on that period of my life, I feel foolish, and I always vow to never be that guy again. Fast forward 12 years and this feels all too familiar. I just can't seem to get this person out of my head. Even though I consciously know that I have no reason to be stuck on her. Except; I let a buddy borrow my go pro. I thought I erased everything before giving it to him, but I got it back and found a ton of pics from our kayaking outing we had. I swore I deleted them. I scrolled down on the messaging app on my tablet and found our text conversation from four months ago. I swore I deleted that. I went to Universal Studios yesterday and stood in line next to her doppelganger (who wears heels to a theme park?) I guess I'm just mad at myself.
Well, I get like this at times, but I to this day can't figure out if it's the person or the idea of the person (and I'm not sure it matters). Me, I would just worry that I wasn't getting down on myself. You can make mistakes, but don't beat yourself up like Chris Farley after he asked Paul McCartney if that wasn't "awesome, or what?"
About someone else:
WTF is up with people yo? I've mentioned this before. I went out with someone, she wanted to date someone else, I thought she was cool enough to be friends with, texted with each other for a couple months with my sole intention to try and be actual friends. She then invited me over to make dinner at her place (and would owe me 20 hangouts), I approach it as just friends. She later tells me she started dating a guy, right around that time, and really liked him. Good for her. I say hey lets hangout again, we can cook again or something. She says, "Just be to be clear, would this be as just friends?" What else would it be? If she has to be clear about this, what was the dynamic of the last dinner? If someone is being held to date standards, shouldn't they know they're on a date!? And she's even telling me how I need to find a woman who is honest and straightforward. Since then, she reverted back to meaningless convo topics. Now I haven't heard from her in like 3 weeks. It's become clear that she's one of those people that disappears into a relationship. It's just a bummer, and I don't mean that romantically in any way. I was really proud of myself for being mature about this situation, and not being that guy again that can't acknowledge reality. Women be confusing yo! :huh:
Honestly, I think you're handling this exactly right; give yourself some credit. She's the one that seems to be misplaying the "friend line" and that's a backhanded complement to you as well. But even if it's not, she may not actually be the one asking. If she's in a new(er) relationship, maybe her guy is all like "whoa, what's doing with that other guy?" and she's all like "but we're just friends" and she's just confirming that.
You can only control your own intentions, and your own motivations. I wouldn't worry too much about hers unless and until it becomes clear she's looking for more (and in which case, you have some idea of her decision-making capabilities).
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i hate feeling this strongly about someone. i can't handle it. i am letting her in in so many ways, and she is coming in, and... i don't understand, this is going too well, it never goes this well, i am so confused by how amazing she is and... blah sorry.
it's scary, it's terrifying, i like to be completely in control of the way i feel, and now... so much of my happiness, suddenly, is out of my control.
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Enjoy that feeling and dont worry about anything else, just have fun and see where it leads.
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i hate feeling this strongly about someone. i can't handle it. i am letting her in in so many ways, and she is coming in, and... i don't understand, this is going too well, it never goes this well, i am so confused by how amazing she is and... blah sorry.
it's scary, it's terrifying, i like to be completely in control of the way i feel, and now... so much of my happiness, suddenly, is out of my control.
Sometimes letting your guard down and giving up some control helps you discover things about yourself you never thought imaginable. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. It only becomes a bad thing when you lose yourself completely.
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After quite some time pondering about it, I came to the conclusion that, at this moment of life, I need a girlfriend. So I've created accounts on Tinder, OkCupid, Pool of Fish, and Match (I know, just in case). Boy, do those sites suck :lol But they're the most popular as far as I know, so I found some girls from my city. I'll take this slowly, will get in contact with some that seem interesting, and see where it leads me. My hopes are that we get to know each other a bit through chat for a couple of weeks, and then meet face to face. Wish me luck :smiley: .
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After quite some time pondering about it, I came to the conclusion that, at this moment of life, I need a girlfriend. So I've created accounts on Tinder, OkCupid, Pool of Fish, and Match (I know, just in case). Boy, do those sites suck :lol But they're the most popular as far as I know, so I found some girls from my city. I'll take this slowly, will get in contact with some that seem interesting, and see where it leads me. My hopes are that we get to know each other a bit through chat for a couple of weeks, and then meet face to face. Wish me luck :smiley: .
I wouldn't put too much hope in Tinder. You stand a better chance with the other three though.
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Weirdly enough, I've heard several Tinder success stories.
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Hookups or serious relationships?
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Relationships
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Yeah, I haven't had any luck with tinder so far, and I might stop with it, since the kind of people that seem to use it are looking for something pretty different than me.
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Yeah, I haven't had any luck with tinder so far, and I might stop with it, since the kind of people that seem to use it are looking for something pretty different than me.
Like Jackie said she has known people to have success with it, but I wouldn't put too much hope there. You're better off with the other three. The responses I received from Tinder were more for casual relationships, not something serious. There are a lot of fake profiles on there, as well, which becomes extremely frustrating.
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Yea I wouldn't put my money on tinder either.
To be fair though I've never had a real longlasting relationship, then again, it's not something I'm looking for in this point in my life. But what works best for me is just going to a party with some friends and meeting new groups of people there, as I was never the best at one-on-one conversations, it's all personal preference though.
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Perhaps odd from someone who met their current (and wonderful) wife on Match.com, but I remind that there's no short cut and no substitute. Even using the on-line methods (to be fair, never used Tinder or OKCupid) you still have to be able to hold a meaningful conversation in person, in real time.
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Perhaps odd from someone who met their current (and wonderful) wife on Match.com, but I remind that there's no short cut and no substitute. Even using the on-line methods (to be fair, never used Tinder or OKCupid) you still have to be able to hold a meaningful conversation in person, in real time.
Exactly. Sometimes this scares the fuck out of me. My personality can go from a rock to Richard Simmons from one day to the next so I never know what to expect.
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I've run into a little dilemma and I'm not quite sure what I should do.
I've been talking to two different women, both for only about 4-5 days. The interactions are completely different. Woman 1 is 32 and the conversation is always heavy/serious. That's fine, whatever, I don't mind opening up. But every time I try to get some sort of casual conversation flowing in text, she always comes back to the serious tone. The kind of things some other people might think are things to be talked about later, at least after you've met the person. But, I guess at this point for her, that's the type of stuff she wants to know in "getting to know" me. I just don't want to get ahead of myself, and there's lots of questions about love and romance and the future.
Woman 2 is 27 and kind of in a more similar point in life to me. We've been messaging online, and every reply seems to get longer. To a point where we have to split up our responses into two messages because there's a 4000 character limit. Ive actuslly had to find time to sit and reply, cuz it honestly takes some time. Needless to say, there's no shortage of conversation. And the conversation is so good because we have a lot of shared interests. I told her I would try to streamline the conversation so we could fit it in one message, and she said don't worry about, she likes the long conversation.
The dilemma is that Woman 2 initially said she would probably have to wait until after her Paris trip, leaving next Tuesday for a week. So at minimum, I would have to wait two weeks to meet her. Woman 1 said that Friday night looks good for her. I said that sounds good. Then I heard from Woman 2 and she said that the only day she could meet before her trip would be Friday. Science damn you timing! Now that I've been presented this dilemma, I'm feeling like I'd rather go out with Woman 2, and try to reschedule with Woman 1. I'm not sure I want to wait two plus weeks, and it kinda seems like she might want to go out before she leaves. Should I go with my gut here? I know at this point the only person I owe anything to is myself.
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Go with your gut. Before reading your last paragraph to get to your dilemma, based on what you wrote, it seemed you had more interested in woman #2 based on having better conversation.
Its good and all to be serious when meeting someone, but at some point you need to be able to have a fun conversation too so you can connect on that level as well. If I can't joke with someone I lose interest real quick, I feel like joking around with someone is a good sign that you will get along.
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Plus, YOU can definitely understand my apprehension to throw in a two plus week wait with a trip to Paris. She said she could only do Friday, but she'd look at her schedule. I'd hate to reschedule with 1 if 2 has another open night.
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Oh yea totally. I hate when you feel like you might have some chemistry with someone you haven't met and then you go away and communication is tougher and that spark kind of dies over the period of being away. I mean sometimes it works out, but sometimes it doesn't and that sucks, at least from my experience.
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I'd say go with your gut for sure. Ask 2 if she has any other available days, but if not I would definitely reschedule with 1.
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I've run into a little dilemma and I'm not quite sure what I should do.
I've been talking to two different women, both for only about 4-5 days. The interactions are completely different. Woman 1 is 32 and the conversation is always heavy/serious. That's fine, whatever, I don't mind opening up. But every time I try to get some sort of casual conversation flowing in text, she always comes back to the serious tone. The kind of things some other people might think are things to be talked about later, at least after you've met the person. But, I guess at this point for her, that's the type of stuff she wants to know in "getting to know" me. I just don't want to get ahead of myself, and there's lots of questions about love and romance and the future.
Woman 2 is 27 and kind of in a more similar point in life to me. We've been messaging online, and every reply seems to get longer. To a point where we have to split up our responses into two messages because there's a 4000 character limit. Ive actuslly had to find time to sit and reply, cuz it honestly takes some time. Needless to say, there's no shortage of conversation. And the conversation is so good because we have a lot of shared interests. I told her I would try to streamline the conversation so we could fit it in one message, and she said don't worry about, she likes the long conversation.
The dilemma is that Woman 2 initially said she would probably have to wait until after her Paris trip, leaving next Tuesday for a week. So at minimum, I would have to wait two weeks to meet her. Woman 1 said that Friday night looks good for her. I said that sounds good. Then I heard from Woman 2 and she said that the only day she could meet before her trip would be Friday. Science damn you timing! Now that I've been presented this dilemma, I'm feeling like I'd rather go out with Woman 2, and try to reschedule with Woman 1. I'm not sure I want to wait two plus weeks, and it kinda seems like she might want to go out before she leaves. Should I go with my gut here? I know at this point the only person I owe anything to is myself.
I would change plans with woman 1 and jump on the opportunity to see woman 2 before she leaves. The meeting could completely change everything and make your decision much easier regarding which of the two women you want to move further with. If it were me, woman 1 would have been gone already because I feel like she's forcing something to happen and avoiding the natural progression of getting to know someone. That could be something to take into consideration as it seems like she has a plan in her mind already and is getting you to follow along with it.
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For me, this is a no-brainer; politely, positively, and with enthusiasm ask Woman No. 1 if she is available Sat. or Sun (you don't want to send the message that you're better dealing her). I'm not as bugged as some others seem about Woman No. 1 and her questions; text is really about screening, no? Who knows what her baggage is with men who say one thing and do another. Let her ask (unless it is a real turnoff) and see if you can't follow up live on another day.
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Yea I have no issues with getting some of the serious stuff out of the way. I feel like woman are just overwhelmed by guys so doing a bit of screening to weed out further seems OK with me. Also if she is asking a lot of serious stuff, she is probably looking for something serious so if that's what you want then that's cool. I'd be more annoyed with the trying to have a non serious convo that always turns serious. At some point you need to just have a good convo, but maybe that changes once you get some of the basics out of the way. Sometimes its good to just get some of that stuff out of the way before you start committing time and even feelings to someone.
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Perhaps odd from someone who met their current (and wonderful) wife on Match.com, but I remind that there's no short cut and no substitute. Even using the on-line methods (to be fair, never used Tinder or OKCupid) you still have to be able to hold a meaningful conversation in person, in real time.
Oh definitely. I'm just using these services to get in contact with some girls, and hoping to meet them after a few weeks of chat :smiley:
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Oh definitely. I'm just using these services to get in contact with some girls, and hoping to meet them after a few weeks of chat :smiley:
Be careful with that. I speak generally, and some women do like to chat a little bit before committing to a date, but most won't want to wait a few weeks. There seems to be a fine line between wanting to meet too quickly and seeming like you're only interested in chatting. If it feels comfortable, you wanna meet her, you get the impression that she would like to meet you too, then pull the trigger. But don't ever let any "rules" keep you from being yourself. Let them be guidelines to a better experience.
For me, this is a no-brainer; politely, positively, and with enthusiasm ask Woman No. 1 if she is available Sat. or Sun (you don't want to send the message that you're better dealing her). I'm not as bugged as some others seem about Woman No. 1 and her questions; text is really about screening, no?
No, it doesn't really bother me to talk about that stuff either. But I'm kinda in line with cram. We've talked about some interests, but nothing extensive. I asked her what music she was listening too. She told me, and as I was typing a reply to continue the music convo, and she follows up with "Are you romantic?" Again, not an off limits discussion, but not what I was going for.
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I agree with sylvan, 3 weeks of chatting is a bit much. Also the fine line of whats too quick/too long to meet is true. It's there and I admit it is there for me too. If I haven't met you in 3 weeks of chatting Im likely giving up. There are always exceptions of course, but we aren't getting any younger. There is no better way to get to know someone than to look them in the eye and talk to them. I put a lot of value in that, texting and chatting just doesn't get you that feel for a person. I just like to get to know someone enough to feel its worth meeting up and also to make sure the woman is comfortable with me as well. I usually get to that point in a week, maybe less depending on how much we chat.
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Thanks for the advice! Those seem pretty reasonable arguments so I'll take them into account. I was thinking of a few weeks because I found this very interesting girl that, on one of OkCupid's questions (serves to calculate % of match and stuff), it said "How much time would you need to chat with someone you met here before meeting them in person?", and she replied "A couple of months - I'm very shy". Crap :lol
But yeah, will take this carefully, never trying to put much pressure in meeting her too soon, but I'll make some seemingly innocent suggestions like "oh I'm going to see X movie this weekend, will you go?", "hey I joined this book club some time ago, I think you'd love it" and such :P
Will update you when/if something happens.
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I remember back in the AOL-chat days. The speed at which some of those convo's turned to sexually explicit baffled the heck out of me. And these were all nice, neat clean well educated girls too.
Oh well....and shouldn't that be "v. The 'Firm' grip' ?
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I found this very interesting girl that, on one of OkCupid's questions (serves to calculate % of match and stuff), it said "How much time would you need to chat with someone you met here before meeting them in person?", and she replied "A couple of months - I'm very shy". Crap :lol
That's a useful piece of info, but definately not set in stone. Everyone is different. You should be able to tell from conversation whether or not they might be interested in meeting you at some point. When you think that's the case, pull the trigger and ask. I've had some women say, "If it's okay, I'd like to keep talking on here some more." Its up to you how you progress from there.
I don't know you, so I say this objectvely, but finding an interesting girl (they're everywhere) and talking to an interesting girl online are two different things. Maybe you're a billionaire super model who will get a reply from everyone you message, but most of the time the percentages are lower. Hope for a response, but don't necessarily expect one.
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That response to that question would really turn me off, sounds like someone not really interested in meeting up, but then again if you are looking to take your time then maybe it actually is suitable for you.
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That response to that question would really turn me off, sounds like someone not really interested in meeting up, but then again if you are looking to take your time then maybe it actually is suitable for you.
There's a question similar to that which asks if you're interested in meeting someone from the site. I found quite a few women who selected no. What the fuck are you doing here then? Someone who says no to that seems to have a pretty strong mindset so what does a man have to do to get her to change her mind. If you're not the least bit open-minded to meeting someone, what are you doing on the site? To me, it's just a huge turn-off.
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It's one thing to say you'd wanna wait a while. It's quite another to just say No. It shouldn't even be considered a turn off, but just a red flag that screams "Keep looking!" But then again, it seems like some people don't pay complete attention when filling out those questions. One of the questions is Are your parents married? One woman said No, and my Yes was in red, as in not an acceptable answer. I can't imagine she actually would not date a person whose parents were happily married.
AOL chat... lolz. Didn't you know? We're all sluts! I heard Nikki Sixx on his radio show say, "If you don't have herpes, you're not getting laid." And then went on to start individually accusing his entire staff of having herpes or gonorrhea. Classic! But also scary...
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That response to that question would really turn me off, sounds like someone not really interested in meeting up, but then again if you are looking to take your time then maybe it actually is suitable for you.
There's a question similar to that which asks if you're interested in meeting someone from the site. I found quite a few women who selected no. What the fuck are you doing here then? Someone who says no to that seems to have a pretty strong mindset so what does a man have to do to get her to change her mind. If you're not the least bit open-minded to meeting someone, what are you doing on the site? To me, it's just a huge turn-off.
Yea thats ridiculous. I wouldn't attempt talking to someone who says no to that question.
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Woman 1 continues to be on the serious side. I texted her rescheduling. Funny thing, turns out she's leaving next week also for the holidays and won't be back til Jan. One thing led to another, and she asks how I think our connection is going so far. I said good, but I wish we could also talk and not be so serious. She then says she thinks I'm holding back and maybe not showing enough interest. She's asked me about romance, and love, and even if I'm talking to any other women. We straightened that out quickly. But after trying to have some light convo, she asked how things are going with the other women I'm talking to. Really? I told her not to worry about it cuz I don't want it to influence her actions or thoughts, but nothing serious. But it looks like we're gonna meeting Sat, so we'll see if she's this intense in person.
Woman 2 is seeming cooler and cooler the more we talk. I've not had an easy carefree conversation like this with anyone online. Looks like she's good for Fri, so I'm really excited. And she's tall, a six footer! I hope she wears flats lol.
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I wouldn't even bother meeting woman #1 at this point if it were mr. You never met her and she's talking about that stuff and then called you out on talking to other girls. That's a bit much.
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Woman 1 continues to be on the serious side. I texted her rescheduling. Funny thing, turns out she's leaving next week also for the holidays and won't be back til Jan. One thing led to another, and she asks how I think our connection is going so far. I said good, but I wish we could also talk and not be so serious. She then says she thinks I'm holding back and maybe not showing enough interest. She's asked me about romance, and love, and even if I'm talking to any other women. We straightened that out quickly. But after trying to have some light convo, she asked how things are going with the other women I'm talking to. Really? I told her not to worry about it cuz I don't want it to influence her actions or thoughts, but nothing serious. But it looks like we're gonna meeting Sat, so we'll see if she's this intense in person.
I'm extremely skeptical about Woman 1. Like I mentioned earlier, she seems like she has an agenda, like maybe trying to find something she once lost and has this somewhat subtle desperation of how she's approaching it. Tread lightly with her. Things should happen of their own volition, not through the constant clamoring of serious inquiries. Yes, it's important to find a connection there, but the communication that keeps relationships fresh and appealing is the small talk two people are able to have with one another.
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I'm extremely skeptical about Woman 1. Like I mentioned earlier, she seems like she has an agenda, like maybe trying to find something she once lost and has this somewhat subtle desperation of how she's approaching it. Tread lightly with her. Things should happen of their own volition, not through the constant clamoring of serious inquiries. Yes, it's important to find a connection there, but the communication that keeps relationships fresh and appealing is the small talk two people are able to have with one another.
This really is my exact viewpoint. I'm kinda hoping that she might just settle into casual conversation when we meet. It does kinda feel like she might be trying to force a certain dynamic, but whatever. Cram, she actually called me out on holding back somehow. I've answered everything she's asked, and one of those things was if I'm talking to any other women. That's when I told her not to worry about any of that, it has no bearing on our thing.
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I agree with Prog Snob, but I wouldn't bail yet. I'm weird like that; I'm a curious cat, and I like to know what people are thinking. I would go out with No. 1, go have a drink, and I would ask her point blank about the things she said. "What makes her feel like I'm holding back?" Who knows? I've met enough people with walls - sometimes weird walls - that it would be fascinating for me.
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For me, I just don't have the time for someone who is going to be like that before we even meet. In some ways I would be a bit curious to meet this person, just to see what she really is like, but that conversation would really be unnappealing to me. "holding back" you never even met! That's crazy if you ask me. It wouldn't be worth my time to spend an evening with someone like that, but that's just me.
Speaking of that scenario, I had been using tinder lately. Since I decided I didn't want to continue with the girl I've been dating, I fired up the old tinder just to see what was out there. Got a bunch of matches and talked to this one girl. Discussions were cool, she is a lawyer and seems smart. She was upfront with what she was looking for and said she was very serious. So she asked me to meet up, I said sure cause why not. She then didnt respond to a couple of my messages then the night before our scheduled meet up I message her again, saying "just wondering if we are still meeting up since you haven't responded to my other messages" and then come the apologies and the "yes lets meet up" and gives me an address for a starbucks. I say is 8pm ok? And she says no thats too late. So she says 7pm, but I work until 6 and getting somewhere by 7 is not possible (takes an hour to get home, plus I can't control traffic or if I get stuck at work). She says she wakes up early, I say how early and it turns out she wakes up after me. So she says can I get there any earlier. A girl who isn't going to respond and then going to effectively tell me her time is more important than mine is a no go. I tried telling her I would do my best to get there closer to 7 but that wasnt good enough. I said good luck out there. It's just not worth my time to play these games with someone I haven't even met. If she can't find the time to respond to a text and then determine that I should leave work early because she has to wake up early (yet not as early as me) shows little compromise. I don't play these games.
I have a lot more patience and wiggle room for someone I have met and find that there is potential for something.
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For me, I just don't have the time for someone who is going to be like that before we even meet. In some ways I would be a bit curious to meet this person, just to see what she really is like, but that conversation would really be unnappealing to me. "holding back" you never even met! That's crazy if you ask me. It wouldn't be worth my time to spend an evening with someone like that, but that's just me.
I totally get that; but my thought would also be, "did I do or say anything that might lead her to believe that"? Conversations like that can be self-illuminating as well.
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For me, I just don't have the time for someone who is going to be like that before we even meet. In some ways I would be a bit curious to meet this person, just to see what she really is like, but that conversation would really be unnappealing to me. "holding back" you never even met! That's crazy if you ask me. It wouldn't be worth my time to spend an evening with someone like that, but that's just me.
I totally get that; but my thought would also be, "did I do or say anything that might lead her to believe that"? Conversations like that can be self-illuminating as well.
Well of course I'd be questioning myself, I always do. If I felt like I gave her that reason then there would be some blame on my shoulder and maybe if I thought the lady was cool enough in other regards than I would continue to try and fix my mistake, but from sylvans scenario and the way he describes it, just doesn't make me feel like there is a whole lot there to make it worth the effort.
From my situation I described, I was constantly questioning myself if I was too harsh after I told her I wasn't interested anymore. I probably was a bit harsh, but I kept asking myself, why would I want to meet someone who won't compromise on a first date? That's the timing when you should be the MOST compromising. You are trying to see if things work at that stage and if its all "you" now, then its not going to ever be "us".
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I agree with Prog Snob, but I wouldn't bail yet. I'm weird like that; I'm a curious cat, and I like to know what people are thinking. I would go out with No. 1, go have a drink, and I would ask her point blank about the things she said. "What makes her feel like I'm holding back?" Who knows? I've met enough people with walls - sometimes weird walls - that it would be fascinating for me.
Agreed. I would give her a chance, meet face-to-face, and from that decide. She might be more laid back in person. We don't know yet.
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Lawyer sounds like a cunt; glad you're not wasting your time.
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I had my first date with Woman 2. It was one of those dates that's not overwhelming, but far from bad. Hard to put a word on it. Maybe it was just the first date dynamic. Apparently she signed up for match like a week before we started talking, so it was her first date with someone she met online. She seems perfectly nice and interesting, but I'm just not sure that spark is there.
It kinda makes me not wanna go out tomorrow. This shit is mentally exhausting. I think I'll make my date with Woman 1 just drinks or whatever. Maybe I'll go in even more care free cuz I just don't wanna waste any time.
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I know I'm weird, but after the first moment of the meeting (which is always weird) and sometimes at the end (to kiss or not to kiss, that is the question), I enjoyed dating very much. I don't usually dislike someone so much I can't even be around them, and if I block out an evening for a woman, I can't really call it a "waste of time" because I've already mentally "spent" the time, you know? So I try to find something that interests me, even if they don't as a package, and amuse myself for a couple hours over drinks. The only downside to that is that it sometimes leads to false impressions on their part. I do have to have the "let's be friends" talk more than I'd care to.
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That's kinda the predicament in my head now. Is there potential there for a spark? If not, I'd rather not give the impression that I'm looking for more. To be completely honest, I found that after meeting her I'm not that physically attracted to her. She's very nice looking, and by no means unattractive. I just didn't feel the attraction. I certainly don't place all emphasis on looks, but there has to be that physical spark. I've only had to be the one to not move forward once, and it weighed on me for like a week before I pulled the trigger. I usually would automatically be up for a second date with someone unless the first was sooo bad, cuz first dates can be nerveracking or stressful. I just don't feel like that was the case here.
I'm supposed to have Woman 2 tonight. I'm trying to be excited, I'm just tired and don't really wanna do anything stuffy, or even dinner for that matter. Maybe drinks and an appetizer somewhere. I just hope she can have fun conversation, cuz I don't really want it to feel serious. But, like you said, I blocked out a night and already put in the time. Let's see about a connection.
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So I finally had the conversation with the girl I've been seeing. I just got back from LA and she kind of called me out on not making plans to see her so it just lead to me saying I didn't want to waste her time and she was a really awesome person and she took it really well. Said similar things as well and we both agreed to be friends and even may still go see epica in January (since the concert we wanted to go to got cancelled). I feel better now that I've had the conversation, but feel pretty upset that it ended even though I knew I needed to. Well I had tinder fired up and been chatting with a couple girls, we'll see what happens, but tinder never really worked for me.
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Well I'm glad you had the talk with her finally!
Things have been going well with me and that dude. I reaaaally like him, which of course worries me a bit... especially considering the whole "we ultimately want different things" talk. It doesn't bother me that we do, but I'm afraid he will decide he doesn't want to carry on with me any longer because he wants to settle down with somebody or whatever. Not that it seems he's in a huge hurry to do that, but if somebody else monogamous comes along, I'm sure I'll be out of the picture. Of course I like to overanalyze, but trying to just enjoy it and not think too much about that stuff. It's all impermanent shit, anyway.
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So I'm back to no prospects. Unless, of course, you count the girl from Australia that I've been talking to.
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i feel like my partner worships the ground i walk on and this is very tiresome
she's a great person for the most part, i just wish that once in a while she would acknowledge the fact that i have flaws, and very big ones at that. but i don't know how to tell her that, i just think this is something she should know, and if she doesn't then like... i dunno, i feel almost like that would be trying to make her be someone other than her, which is not what i like to do
i'm trying to help her discover herself in a way that does not involve me telling her who she is or how she should be
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i feel like my partner worships the ground i walk on and this is very tiresome
she's a great person for the most part, i just wish that once in a while she would acknowledge the fact that i have flaws, and very big ones at that. but i don't know how to tell her that, i just think this is something she should know, and if she doesn't then like... i dunno, i feel almost like that would be trying to make her be someone other than her, which is not what i like to do
i'm trying to help her discover herself in a way that does not involve me telling her who she is or how she should be
I can understand how that would be cumbersome. Someone could wind up getting hurt in that. Either she's in denial or just doesn't care because she hasn't been exposed to it enough. My last girlfriend was like that in the beginning. No matter what she used to think or feel, if I said something to the contrary, she would change her views on things. Eventually, things changed. They always do. The dream for my ex, and the one your girlfriend is in, disappears and reality sets in.
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So the girl I just ended things with ended up chatting with me yesterday in a friendly way, we both bought tickets for Epica in January and are going to go together as friends. I really couldn't be any happier how this turned out for us. I don't think I've ever had sex with someone and dated them and then turned around and was able to just be friends. This girl is definitely cool enough that I think it might be possible and since I really do like her as a person and we have so much in common, I am just very happy to be able to still be friends.
Well as for actual dating, I met a girl from tinder over the weekend. She lives in Brooklyn so it's not going to be easy to see each other, but I had a lot of fun. Just met to grab a drink, but the place started getting really loud as it got later and we decided to leave and went back to my place. We smoked some of the green stuff together and watched tv. Just had a lot of fun with her, she is very funny and we clicked. I put my arm around her as we watched TV and we kissed as the night ended, I almost never kiss on first dates. Not a make out, but a couple kisses on the lips. It was nice, we've been talking a lot and will try to meet up next week after Christmas.
There is another tinder girl I've been chatting with, got a date with her on Wednesday. She seems very down to earth and has a sense of humor, but otherwise our chats haven't been consistent so I guess I will find out what she is like when we meet.
So I will add this, I changed my tinder picture to something less serious (it was just a smiling face shot) and to a shot of me from Vegas that I shared in the pic thread. Well I guess the females like that a lot better as all of the sudden I've gotten more hits and also from more attractive girls lol. The girl from this weekend, the girl for Wednesday, and another one I've been chatting with are all more attractive than the girls I have been dating over the course of the last year. I have not had an issue with anyone's looks or anything, this point was just to show how crazy it is and how much your picture matters. I am so unphotogenic too, makes me thing about what could happen if I was better at taking pictures.
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You're actually having success with Tinder? I wrote that site off a while ago, but I'm glad to hear someone is doing well with it. Tinder is definitely about the photos - hands down. I started talking to a couple of women through there but lost interest. I feel like I go through phases with all of these dating sites. I might go a couple of weeks with nothing, then suddenly I'll have three or four women that I'm talking to. It's so bizarre. Right now, the only woman I've been talking to is someone from Australia - yes Australia. And no, it's not Blob in drag. *shudders* Chances of meeting are slim though she always says "even that we haven't met YET." Even though our feelings for each other mutual, one of us will have to back down soon because this can not end well if the feelings continue to grow. She's fucking amazing in every sense of the word, though it causes me to contemplate something. Is it easier to find comfort with someone long-distance because you don't ever have to worry about one of biggest relationship killers - not giving the other enough space?
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lol that may be too much space though. I mean to each their own, but for me I don't think I'd even both with anything more than a friend in that scenario and in the rare case you go to Australia or she comes here then you can always meet and be friendly. I just know for me, a long distance thing is not what I am looking for. Been there, done that, not interested. THe girl I met over the weekend is from Brooklyn and I am in Jersey, to me that is already too far away (not in miles, but in time to get to each other). I've told her that flat out, but turns out her parents live in Staten Island and she spends a lot of time at home, sometimes entire weekends and that's not far from me (she said it took 20 minutes to get from her parents to my house). We are already discussing how to meet up again, but it's tough and I'm not crazy about having to travel far to meet someone, but Australia is a totally different animal.
As for Tinder, I had no success before. I fired it up because I felt like trying it again as I had been using okcupid and didn't feel like going back on there just yet. It seems to be working for the moment for me.
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I agree. I'm going to have to slowly push myself away from the Aussie situation before either of us get in too deep (no pun intended).
I always wonder who some of these women are that you've message from OKC - I know you're on Tinder now. I've spoken to women from NJ, Brooklyn, Staten Island. I'm sure at some point we've messaged the same woman. :lol
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Well I havent talked to anyone on okcupid since I met the last girl back over the summer and since things were good I havent gone back to okcupid, even now Im satisfied with who I am talking to on tinder. If your age range is 26-30 then it's possible we have talked to some of the same girls. We are competing against each other lol
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In this thread, Cram and Prog give each other STD's through their trees dabbling in the same forests.
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:rollin
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Well I havent talked to anyone on okcupid since I met the last girl back over the summer and since things were good I havent gone back to okcupid, even now Im satisfied with who I am talking to on tinder. If your age range is 26-30 then it's possible we have talked to some of the same girls. We are competing against each other lol
25 is my bottom end. I started talking to a 22 year old once because she was really intellectually intriguing so the conversations were great. We wound up staying friends for a bit but she starting dating someone and he wouldn't let her talk to other guys... :\
In this thread, Cram and Prog give each other STD's through their trees dabbling in the same forests.
:lol
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I talked to a couple low age 20 y/os when I first started dating and it was painfully difficult to have any sort of meaningful conversation so I set my bar to 25 minimum although I wouldn't be against a younger lady if we connected on some level, just have yet to see any reason that will happen so I just don't bother. Of the girls I am talking to they are 26, 26, and 28. The girl i just ended things with was 29. Those ages seem to be better for me. I'm also not against older, but I haven't even come close to conversing with someone older when I try.
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I've spoken to many women in their 40s, and late 30s, and I seem to have a better rapport with them than I do with the young nubiles. Like you alluded to, the younger they are, the lower the quality of conversation gets. Not that there aren't any exceptions in both directions.
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In this thread, Cram and Prog give each other STD's through their trees dabbling in the same forests.
That might rival "So there's this cone..." for epic forum tomfoolery and shenanigans.
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Well I havent talked to anyone on okcupid since I met the last girl back over the summer and since things were good I havent gone back to okcupid, even now Im satisfied with who I am talking to on tinder. If your age range is 26-30 then it's possible we have talked to some of the same girls. We are competing against each other lol
25 is my bottom end. I started talking to a 22 year old once because she was really intellectually intriguing so the conversations were great. We wound up staying friends for a bit but she starting dating someone and he wouldn't let her talk to other guys... :\
So she's dating a 16-year-old? Dude, if all it takes is for her to 'talk to other guys' you're not all you thought you were. Grow a sack and be a man for god's sake. (And yes, I know I am talking to someone that isn't even on this forum, but you get where I'm going with this...). The only time I would draw a line is if there is ONE particular guy, and he's not getting the message or respecting the relationship. And even then, it's not out of "fear she's going to knock boots with him", but just the hassle of having someone always there with ulterior motives continually undermining everything we're doing.
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Its funny how you say that. My x was the jealous type, there would be no way that would fly if I were talking to another woman. Even if I never had any intentions other than friendship, my x would get VERY jealous. Its something thats in the back of my mind about how I am trying to stay friends with this girl. Its totally possible because I don't have my x telling me I can't or being jealous that I'd hang with another girl. I've been thinking how great that is the past couple days. If any of these girls I am talking to become something more, something they will HAVE to be cool with is that I want to be friends with this other girl, she is just too cool to not be friends with and any new girl is going to have to accept that and trust me that I wouldn't do anything to ruin what I have. I understand that feelings get in the way with these things, and who knows maybe I won't be friends with this girl, but it's a thought thats been running through my mind and you guys both touched on that point.
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Well I havent talked to anyone on okcupid since I met the last girl back over the summer and since things were good I havent gone back to okcupid, even now Im satisfied with who I am talking to on tinder. If your age range is 26-30 then it's possible we have talked to some of the same girls. We are competing against each other lol
25 is my bottom end. I started talking to a 22 year old once because she was really intellectually intriguing so the conversations were great. We wound up staying friends for a bit but she starting dating someone and he wouldn't let her talk to other guys... :\
So she's dating a 16-year-old? Dude, if all it takes is for her to 'talk to other guys' you're not all you thought you were. Grow a sack and be a man for god's sake. (And yes, I know I am talking to someone that isn't even on this forum, but you get where I'm going with this...). The only time I would draw a line is if there is ONE particular guy, and he's not getting the message or respecting the relationship. And even then, it's not out of "fear she's going to knock boots with him", but just the hassle of having someone always there with ulterior motives continually undermining everything we're doing.
I agree with you. There's obviously some insecurity in the both of them. Looking back, it was a good thing we stopped talking, good for me at least.
Its funny how you say that. My x was the jealous type, there would be no way that would fly if I were talking to another woman. Even if I never had any intentions other than friendship, my x would get VERY jealous. Its something thats in the back of my mind about how I am trying to stay friends with this girl. Its totally possible because I don't have my x telling me I can't or being jealous that I'd hang with another girl. I've been thinking how great that is the past couple days. If any of these girls I am talking to become something more, something they will HAVE to be cool with is that I want to be friends with this other girl, she is just too cool to not be friends with and any new girl is going to have to accept that and trust me that I wouldn't do anything to ruin what I have. I understand that feelings get in the way with these things, and who knows maybe I won't be friends with this girl, but it's a thought thats been running through my mind and you guys both touched on that point.
I don't mind some jealousy. It's a perfectly rational reaction. When it becomes too much is when it crosses that line into possessiveness and control.
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Jealously is good in a way because you know the person cares about you, but bad when it doesn't allow you to be yourself. I was the jealous one in a couple HS relationships, I ruined them. I learned and adapted and my x was the jealous in my last relationship, I tried and told her how I know how it feels and told her there needs to be trust (I never cheated on her, never even came close). One of the many reasons that did not work.
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I was the same way earlier on and it pushed quite a few potentials away. I'm so much more confident these days than I was back then.
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I started talking to somebody new Wednesday evening. She seems really sweet and is already curious about meeting me. She's heading to Florida to spend the holidays with her parents and won't be back until January 2nd, but she said the first thing she wants to do when she returns is see me. She told me she's worried about being able to hold my interest for that long without meeting. I told her not to worry about it. Lets just enjoy our conversations and everything will fall into place if it's meant to. I just hope she isn't too hasty and forcing something just for the sake of finding someone because she's frustrated with online dating. We shall see. We'll probably talk on the phone at some point before she returns.
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The holding interest part is what always gets me, but if she really seems like she wants to meet then I think you'll be ok. I would imagine phone conversations helping that. Being in the same time zone should help as well.
Also, Merry Christmas lonely hearts club!
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So... bad news :lol
Contacted 2 girls that seemed interesting, this Monday. The first one was on Tinder, apparently the only one that had like my profile (:'() and who I had also liked. She had some nice pics that made me think she might be studying something related to the many arts; thus I sent a short message saying I thought her pics were intereting, and asked her if she was an arts student.
The second one is a girl I had found on OkCupid, with who I had 73% of match and seemed to regularly connect to the site. Again, I sent her a short message telling her I thought it was awesome she was writing a book (it says that on her profile), and asked her how it was going so far.
As of date, none of them have responded :lol
I think I maaaayy have been too direct. They seem to be fairly introvert girls, and maybe my approach wasn't the correct one - chances are I scared them away or something. Oh well. For some reason I feel calm. Writing and sending those texts was the hardest part, and after doing so, I felt relieved. Now, I don't really care if they answer me (would be great if they do so though), and I'll keep looking for chicks on other places. There are lots of girls our there so it's just a matter of time for me now :)
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Keep trying, Sacul.
The holding interest part is what always gets me, but if she really seems like she wants to meet then I think you'll be ok. I would imagine phone conversations helping that. Being in the same time zone should help as well.
I see what you did there. ;)
What's going on with the Brooklyn girl?
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Sacul, there's always the option that they're super busy with the holidays and whatnot. Of course it's possible you're just not their cup of tea, but I would not blame what you said- it doesn't sound like you were too direct or said anything out of line- those were reasonable conversation starters!
I've been reflecting on my current situation and realizing how much better I do in a non-monogamous lifestyle, as well as doing the mostly-solo thing. I feel like putting all of your eggs in one basket, so to speak, can lead to a lot of issues and resentment. There's really no way one person can have every single quality you love, or share all of your interests, etc. Also, you rely on people too much and they often disappoint or hurt you. I realize this is wounded me talking, but it's still true. I don't ever want to feel like I NEED another person to be happy, or to rely too heavily on them. I just did not like the person I was in monogamous relationships, nor do I particularly like the person I am when I get heavily involved with somebody else. I don't want dependence or codependency. If this means feeling a bit lonely sometimes, I can deal with that. I feel like I've been lonely all my life, really.
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"Self-aware, and its a burden.
Forever crippled by my tendencies."
-Myles Kennedy
It's interesting that you brought that up. I was thinking about your guy friend, and how you feel he'll move on to someone else if they're monogomous. I wondered if you were simply trying to fit the mold of polyamorism, and if you're ignoring the idea that you might be happy in a committed monogamous relationship. Your words also make it seem like you might be holding onto one idea for fear of being hurt. If you know yourself, and what monogomy does to who you are, then that's fair. I guess I'm just wondering if you would consider monogomy if the situation felt right?
Being lonely sucks. At one point, it was more important that I be alone and become content with myself and who I am. While that was necessary, it didn't change the fact that I was lonely. It's important to not NEED someone else for your happiness. But it's also important to not deny or ignore the idea that happiness could be greater if you have someone to share it with. We all (well, most of us) change as we get older. Yeah, I'm thinking about the future and who I can share my life with. But, for right now at least, I'm starting to think I might be looking for something other than potentially serious. What I want in the long run and what I need right now can be different.
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I've been reflecting on my current situation and realizing how much better I do in a non-monogamous lifestyle, as well as doing the mostly-solo thing. I feel like putting all of your eggs in one basket, so to speak, can lead to a lot of issues and resentment. There's really no way one person can have every single quality you love, or share all of your interests, etc. Also, you rely on people too much and they often disappoint or hurt you. I realize this is wounded me talking, but it's still true. I don't ever want to feel like I NEED another person to be happy, or to rely too heavily on them. I just did not like the person I was in monogamous relationships, nor do I particularly like the person I am when I get heavily involved with somebody else. I don't want dependence or codependency. If this means feeling a bit lonely sometimes, I can deal with that. I feel like I've been lonely all my life, really.
I see a lot of myself in this, specifically the "this is the wounded me talking". I feel like when I start to date and like someone, the wounded me comes out and wants to run away from commitment. For exactly the same reasons, heartbreak and changing of yourself. I've always been a loner as well, easily the odd one in the family, easily the odd one in my friends, the guy who marches to the beat of his own drum. The only difference is that inside, I would LOVE to find that right person for a monogamous relationship. I think my wounds have just left me to be ultra picky now. I almost always the one who ends things now, I am always the one who finds something wrong and I can't get it out of my mind and then question is it really something wrong with them or something wrong with me? I believe it's possible to find that person and not have to change who you are, not have to change your lifestyle, someone who just fits in with you and who is a great person and one that you can love. Just got to find that person somewhere.
Sacul, keep trying and can't let the non response stop you. If I had to put a ratio on responses I would say I only get 1 response for every 15 messages on okcupid. Out of the responses I would say 1 out of 5 actually lead to a legit convo and something more. The odds are low is my point, got to keep at it and keep trying. Even with Tinder where you actually both "like" each other I still get non responses. Whatever, it's part of the game and you got to keep playing if you want to win.
What's going on with the Brooklyn girl?
Still talking,might see her today. My date from Wednesday cancelled on me the night before so I ended up hanging with this girl instead. We just watched TV, nothing worthy of mentioning really. I really do want to meet this other girl though. She seems like the most well rounded person I have talked to (has a job, funny, pretty, a social life, good family, pets) just got to get a settled date. Normally a cancelled first date for me is grounds for stopping the communication, but she had a legit reason and I didn't feel like she was toying with me. It has been almost 3 weeks of chatting though so I want to get the meeting over with, maybe this week.
There was also a third girl from Tinder that I met recently, just had a drink or two and chatted. Very cute girl and very nice and sincere. However, she doesn't seem to be my type, we are still talking and I'd like to meet her again because shes a really nice lady and all. But she is low on my priorities right now.
A big topic of discussion during Christmas dinner with the family was tinder and how changing my picture helped me lol
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Still talking,might see her today. My date from Wednesday cancelled on me the night before so I ended up hanging with this girl instead. We just watched TV, nothing worthy of mentioning really. I really do want to meet this other girl though. She seems like the most well rounded person I have talked to (has a job, funny, pretty, a social life, good family, pets) just got to get a settled date. Normally a cancelled first date for me is grounds for stopping the communication, but she had a legit reason and I didn't feel like she was toying with me. It has been almost 3 weeks of chatting though so I want to get the meeting over with, maybe this week.
There was also a third girl from Tinder that I met recently, just had a drink or two and chatted. Very cute girl and very nice and sincere. However, she doesn't seem to be my type, we are still talking and I'd like to meet her again because shes a really nice lady and all. But she is low on my priorities right now.
A big topic of discussion during Christmas dinner with the family was tinder and how changing my picture helped me lol
My family tends to tread lightly with the relationship issue because of what happened with the ex-girlfriend. All I know was that my mother asked me to stop putting up depressing Facebook status updates because she said my aunt was in tears one day out of concern for me. I didn't really think anyone payed attention to them so I stopped posting them.
I have a handful of Tinder matches so we'll see what happens with that. I'm still talking to this girl from Brooklyn and she's really really looking forward to meeting me. She just asked me what a Prog Snob is. :lol She's apparently extremely musical and can play piano, the flute, and sing. She just might appreciate a band like Dream Theater. She's a big fan of rock, among other genres.
OKCupid seems to be working better for me lately after I changed my write-up. I went from getting one or two likes every couple of days to 33 in the past two days.
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Nice, funny how that works
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We'll see if it proves to be fruitful.
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Cool John, good luck with that!
I see a lot of myself in this, specifically the "this is the wounded me talking". I feel like when I start to date and like someone, the wounded me comes out and wants to run away from commitment. For exactly the same reasons, heartbreak and changing of yourself. I've always been a loner as well, easily the odd one in the family, easily the odd one in my friends, the guy who marches to the beat of his own drum. The only difference is that inside, I would LOVE to find that right person for a monogamous relationship. I think my wounds have just left me to be ultra picky now. I almost always the one who ends things now, I am always the one who finds something wrong and I can't get it out of my mind and then question is it really something wrong with them or something wrong with me? I believe it's possible to find that person and not have to change who you are, not have to change your lifestyle, someone who just fits in with you and who is a great person and one that you can love. Just got to find that person somewhere.
Yep, this sounds very much like me other than the one person thing. We all have wounds and baggage and it manifests differently for everybody.
"Self-aware, and its a burden.
Forever crippled by my tendencies."
-Myles Kennedy
It's interesting that you brought that up. I was thinking about your guy friend, and how you feel he'll move on to someone else if they're monogomous. I wondered if you were simply trying to fit the mold of polyamorism, and if you're ignoring the idea that you might be happy in a committed monogamous relationship. Your words also make it seem like you might be holding onto one idea for fear of being hurt. If you know yourself, and what monogomy does to who you are, then that's fair. I guess I'm just wondering if you would consider monogomy if the situation felt right?
Being lonely sucks. At one point, it was more important that I be alone and become content with myself and who I am. While that was necessary, it didn't change the fact that I was lonely. It's important to not NEED someone else for your happiness. But it's also important to not deny or ignore the idea that happiness could be greater if you have someone to share it with. We all (well, most of us) change as we get older. Yeah, I'm thinking about the future and who I can share my life with. But, for right now at least, I'm starting to think I might be looking for something other than potentially serious. What I want in the long run and what I need right now can be different.
True that.
Obviously being alone and lonely are different. I've always been a bit of a loner and I'm mostly fine with that, but I do get little spurts of loneliness. I don't think any relationship could "fix" that, it's just me.
I guess I should clarify: I know my baggage impacts me in the sense that I don't always want to get too close, that kind of thing. But the monogamy is a separate issue. It's something I've been questioning since college and grad school. When I ended up cheating on a guy, I knew I couldn't put myself in that position anymore and so I haven't. That was a bit over four years ago. I do fine in a monogamous relationship for a while, then the honeymoon phase ends.
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The best way to really find "that" relationship is not to look for it. Enjoy was you do and if it happens it hsppens. Like John talked about Facebook it doesn't help you or other to wallow.
Enjoy the moment, whether it's with someone, with your child or the freedom of no relationship.
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Sacul, there's always the option that they're super busy with the holidays and whatnot. Of course it's possible you're just not their cup of tea, but I would not blame what you said- it doesn't sound like you were too direct or said anything out of line- those were reasonable conversation starters!
Thanks! I was afraid I sounded creepy or something for a moment :lol
Sacul, keep trying and can't let the non response stop you. If I had to put a ratio on responses I would say I only get 1 response for every 15 messages on okcupid. Out of the responses I would say 1 out of 5 actually lead to a legit convo and something more. The odds are low is my point, got to keep at it and keep trying. Even with Tinder where you actually both "like" each other I still get non responses. Whatever, it's part of the game and you got to keep playing if you want to win.
Oh that's great to know - makes me feel relieved. Nice to have the opinion of an experienced person on this, thanks!
There aren't many girls in my area that use these sites and apps so I don't have many options in that way. Since going to parties and such is not an option for me, maybe joining book clubs and sports teams would help me find, at least, interesting people. Anyways, thanks for the help folks :smiley:
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There aren't many girls in my area that use these sites and apps so I don't have many options in that way. Since going to parties and such is not an option for me, maybe joining book clubs and sports teams would help me find, at least, interesting people. Anyways, thanks for the help folks :smiley:
Those are great ideas. Had a date with the Brooklyn girl tonight. I think that's not going anywhere, not a good kisser and just doesn't seem to be any spark.
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Bleh, don't waste your time. Bad kissers are bad news.
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True knockin'.
You know what I always say...
Fool me with a bad kiss, shame on me.
Fool me with a bad fuck, shame on me still.
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I just did not like the person I was in monogamous relationships, nor do I particularly like the person I am when I get heavily involved with somebody else.
This is the part that really resonated with me. I'm speaking philosophically, but I don't think that is exclusive to "monogamy" or "not monogamy". I know for me, coming out of a 15 year marriage that ended badly for me, that my one focus was to be authentic. I know that's sort of a hipster word, but it's accurate. I just wanted to be able, at any time of any day, take a minute, ask myself, am I being the "me" that I want to be and that I know I can be and be able to say "YES!". Doesn't mean I like myself all the time, but that's for therapy, and there are certainly things I've tried to change for the better since my marriage ended. It means that I am not denying feelings, I am not "playing" at being someone I'm not, and I'm not making inordinate sacrifices that in a better environment I wouldn't have to make (or that are against my better instincts).
I suppose said another way, I mean that as long as it works for us (which is half the battle) and as long as we are being honest in whether it is REALLY working for us (which is the other half), then that's pretty much it in a nutshell right there. Easier said than done, but there you go.
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Yeah, I see what you're saying. Honestly, this has been working for me or some time now. I feel like I'm being true to myself. Spurts of loneliness, sure, but again that would happen regardless of relationship situation. Spurts of thinking I could be happy doing things the "normal" way? Sure, but that's only due to a grass is greener idea. We're not all wired the same way, is what I keep reminding myself.
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We're not all wired the same way, is what I keep reminding myself.
I tell myself that everyday, as I go off to Miami on my own lonely adventure completely randomly. :lol which wierded out the Brooklyn girl when I made and told her those plans yesterday.
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I've noticed a lot of people are uncomfortable with the idea of doing stuff alone. Not that you should be concerned, but that would be just a bit of a red flag to me if someone I want to date doesn't understand my taking a trip or doing something else solo. That's a big part of who I am and how I roll, and sometimes not understanding that can indicate insecurity. We all have 'em, though...
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I've noticed a lot of people are uncomfortable with the idea of doing stuff alone. Not that you should be concerned, but that would be just a bit of a red flag to me if someone I want to date doesn't understand my taking a trip or doing something else solo. That's a big part of who I am and how I roll, and sometimes not understanding that can indicate insecurity. We all have 'em, though...
That's cool you understand, but I can kind of relate to the person who would find it odd. Before I started traveling solo for work, I would have never done this, my whole family thinks I am odd and honestly I find it slightly odd, only in because I feel like it's judged as odd I think. Either way, anyone who knows me well enough is past the "that's odd" when it comes to me, but someone like a girl I am just talking to and meeting, I can see it. It does turn me off though, like if you are uncomfortable then it's clearly not going to work. Like you mentioned earlier and I responded to, we are both loners in a way so we kind of get it, but if someone else doesn't get it, I don't care, you just aren't for me. This girl is definitely not for me as I am finding out now (bad kisser and just not seeing much of a connection). Of the other two girls I am talking to, one took it well and was really excited for me, the other was like half/half based on how I viewed her tms regarding it. Oh well. Can't wait to hit the beach and relax tomorrow now that I am here.
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Fuck yeah the beach. And yeah, bad kisser plus doesn't get your loner tendencies, meh. But the other two may have hope :D
I have gotten a few messages on OKC but I'm honestly really not interested in meeting anybody else right now. He or she would have to really get my attention.
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This one isn't going to last much longer. I'm going with my gut this time, and not staying with someone just for the sake of it. I give it a couple of more days.
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I've noticed a lot of people are uncomfortable with the idea of doing stuff alone. Not that you should be concerned, but that would be just a bit of a red flag to me if someone I want to date doesn't understand my taking a trip or doing something else solo. That's a big part of who I am and how I roll, and sometimes not understanding that can indicate insecurity. We all have 'em, though...
This was a big thing (in a good way) with my wife. I actually PREFER going to concerts alone. I have a couple beers, chill and watch what I want to watch. If I want to walk down closer, I can, or if I want to move somewhere else, I can. I saw the Winery Dogs this past month, and got to be 4 feet from Billy Sheehan and just chilled for two hours with a couple beers and was completely at peace. Didn't have to worry about "whether she's enjoying it" or "whether anyone has to go to the can" or anything like that. I used to travel a lot, so I enjoy going to eat by myself as well. Go sit at the bar, eat, do a crossword or read my magazine... very relaxing. Then back to being social!!
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Well when one person loves something and the other does not (going to rock concerts) then it's probably best to go alone. I dragged my x to a DT concert in Philly and she was so miserable that it made the concert less fun and that was the first time I ever saw DT.
Finally, I think, scored a legit date with the girl I have been chatting with from Tinder for three weeks now. Tomorrow, about two hours after I hope to get home tomorrow afternoon.
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Well when one person loves something and the other does not (going to rock concerts) then it's probably best to go alone. I dragged my x to a DT concert in Philly and she was so miserable that it made the concert less fun and that was the first time I ever saw DT.
Finally, I think, scored a legit date with the girl I have been chatting with from Tinder for three weeks now. Tomorrow, about two hours after I hope to get home tomorrow afternoon.
That's great. Good luck!
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Awesome news!
I had a sort-of movie date tonight (also dinner at a yummy cheese spot) with the lady I've been seeing which was nice but didn't last past the movie because I'm recovering from a cold.
In other news, I'm a bit irritated with that one guy I've been spending most of my time with because he's way more of a homebody than I realized and he always wants me to come up to his place, as I think I mentioned before. He does come down here, but is less willing to do so. He said something about me coming over tonight (again, out of my work territory so not practical) and I said no, and that hey, he could come down here too. He said "But I have to work tomorrow." Yeah, so do I, and several hours earlier than he does. Wtf? Then he said he was free Friday night and I said he could come down here. He said he was actually hoping he could sweet talk me into coming to his place. I was just there on Saturday! I feel like trying to switch off is only fair in this type of situation. So I finally got annoyed and when he suggested I come up there I said "Probably not. As it turns out, it's just as inconvenient for me to come up to your place ; )"
He did acknowledge that. I tried to lighten things up by suggesting we go to some breweries near me that we've been talking about, and he just said "It's a possibility." Whatever, dude I'm not going to be the one making all the effort. If he doesn't want to come down I will make other plans.
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Good. It needs to be two ways. I like the way you worded it too, not being a dick about it but being blunt enough for him to get the point. "As it turns out..." :lol
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Awesome news!
I had a sort-of movie date tonight (also dinner at a yummy cheese spot) with the lady I've been seeing which was nice but didn't last past the movie because I'm recovering from a cold.
In other news, I'm a bit irritated with that one guy I've been spending most of my time with because he's way more of a homebody than I realized and he always wants me to come up to his place, as I think I mentioned before. He does come down here, but is less willing to do so. He said something about me coming over tonight (again, out of my work territory so not practical) and I said no, and that hey, he could come down here too. He said "But I have to work tomorrow." Yeah, so do I, and several hours earlier than he does. Wtf? Then he said he was free Friday night and I said he could come down here. He said he was actually hoping he could sweet talk me into coming to his place. I was just there on Saturday! I feel like trying to switch off is only fair in this type of situation. So I finally got annoyed and when he suggested I come up there I said "Probably not. As it turns out, it's just as inconvenient for me to come up to your place ; )"
He did acknowledge that. I tried to lighten things up by suggesting we go to some breweries near me that we've been talking about, and he just said "It's a possibility." Whatever, dude I'm not going to be the one making all the effort. If he doesn't want to come down I will make other plans.
That's not right at all. It shouldn't be so one-sided.
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Right. Again, it's not JUST me making the effort but more and more it seems like he wants me to. And when I suggested actually going OUT (vs sitting at home) the reception was lukewarm, which was a bit of a bummer. We can't always hang out on the couch.
Good. It needs to be two ways. I like the way you worded it too, not being a dick about it but being blunt enough for him to get the point. "As it turns out..." :lol
:lol yeah, I felt like something needed to be said but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it/give him too much attitude. If I can keep it light, I will.
I never responded to the "It's a possibility" text, didn't really feel like I had much else to say last night.
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Right. Again, it's not JUST me making the effort but more and more it seems like he wants me to. And when I suggested actually going OUT (vs sitting at home) the reception was lukewarm, which was a bit of a bummer. We can't always hang out on the couch.
That's exactly what it seems like. He's becoming more and more content with just hanging around doing nothing. Light a fire under his ass or just eventually give him an ultimatum.
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So pissed, the girl cancelled on me. Excuse was she didn't realize she was going to have to get so much work done (thought she was going to be done early) and now won't have time to bake food to bring to her friend's house tonight. Oh well. That's twice she cancelled and while both seem like legit reasons, both were also preventable if she actually cared about meeting. I thought she had potential, but I'm going to back off. If she actually is interested then it will show and it hasn't yet and I am not going to force it.
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Yeahh, that's a lame excuse IMO. If she really wanted to see you she would make it work. Wait to see if she reaches out to make plans, and if she cancels on you again fuck that shit.
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Soo maybe reading too much into this but I think I freaked this guy out tonight telling a sexual story to people at this gathering I hosted tonight. Long story, but I was not the only one who noticed the weirdness. We shall see.
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Did you talk to him about it, or did he say anything about it afterwards?
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We have no context regarding the story, but this sounds like it could be one of those humorous situations. From what I can tell, you're pretty open about things. What makes you think he was freaked out?
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My friend said he made a surprised/uncomfortable face while I was talking (he was next to me and I was drunk so I did not see this) and he left shortly after. It felt abrupt, but he did have work in the morning. We've been texting today and it's felt a bit weird but not overly awkward. I'm not sure when I'll see him next due to schedules or if it will even still be relevant enough to bring up, but we shall see.
But yeah, I am very open about things and he knows this. I have told him sex-related stories before and it was fine. Maybe it was the mixed company or the nature of the story, which is kinda bad :lol
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Maybe you could just ask him in text? Thinking that you have to talk about it face to face might be making it more serious than it really is. I didn't want to minimize you're situation by pointing out the humorous potential, but it just reminds me of a scene you might see in a comedy movie or sitcom :lol. It sounds like a good story :yarr.
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Oh you're right, it totally could be a moment in a sitcom or something. It's not super serious but I feel weird bringing it up via text because I can't read him that way, yknow? And now, like a day and a half later, it feels weird to bring up at all. But I dunno. I think it's probably fine, even if a bit awkward.
Last night he asked if I had plans. I told him I had dreamt during a nap that he had invited me over (because it had literally just happened before he texted me haha) but I had made last minute plans with a friend who had an extra ticket to something. He said "Well you're welcome to come over" and I said I'd (obviously) already made plans, but maybe would've if he had invited me over sooner. He said "it's an implied standing invitation!"
I was like dude, I'm not just inviting myself over to your house. That would be presumptuous, and mean even less effort on his part! I didnt say that last part to him, obviously. But now I'm not sure when I'll see him because he is working today and told me he'll be working 12 hour days at home on his days off from work this week (he and his roommates have a ridiculous number of cannabis plants in the basement and I guess they're harvesting and whatnot this week). Soo I guess we shall see.
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Well it sounds like a non issue. Maybe you can bring it up out of curiosity one night. If there's any sort of humor to it, it could be a funny little conversation starter. It just sounds like he's lazy about your relationship. But if people are going to classify something as casual, one can't be surprised when the other acts casually. That's just a general thought about casual relationships though, and not necessarily pertaining to your situation.
"Oh hey, I can't chill on my days off cuz I'm TOO busy trimming plants. I must CAN'T find the time." WTF? I know its tedious work, especially if you have a lot of plants, but come on!
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They have FORTY plants. I couldn't believe it when he showed me the basement :lol
(So I'm willing to let that slide as a reason for a week.)
Yeah, I see what you're saying on one hand. On the other, maybe it's a bit casual in that we aren't exclusive, but we do see a lot of each other. For people who live half an hour away and basically have opposite work schedules (since I'm doing the 9-5 and he's in retail), we make it work generally at least weekly, which (to me at least) feels like a bit more than a casual commitment. He's always wanting me to come and sleep over, we text basically throughout the entire day, every day, etc. So I don't necessarily think it's the relationship, I think it's him. But the fact that we AREN'T exclusive makes it easier to brush things like that off, even if they do bother me.
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So I ended up bringing it up because it almost seemed like he didn't want to make plans with me this weekend. I honestly wasn't sure if he was telling the truth about work stuff so I wanted to try and casually test the waters.
(https://rsmg.pbsrc.com/albums/v296/erotomaniac/Mobile%20Uploads/Screenshot_2016-01-03-23-20-03-1_zpsbw2lrfb2.png?w=480&h=480&fit=clip)
(The missing part here just says "I blame the tequila barrels. To be honest...")
(https://rsmg.pbsrc.com/albums/v296/erotomaniac/Mobile%20Uploads/Screenshot_2016-01-03-23-21-44-1_zpsytufyph4.png?w=480&h=480&fit=clip)
Honestly, the fact that there is a fucking hour between his texts says it probably is more of a big deal than he's letting on, but whatever.
Soo it still feels kind of awkward but we shall see if he ends up trying to make this weekend work. I hate to say this, but I feel like this is going to fizzle soon, maybe partially thanks to my big mouth. But the sooner the better if he can't handle the person I am, I suppose.
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I, personally, just can't imagine having this type of relationship with someone and not being able to say what I mean or feel. "Well, I honestly didn't dig some of the ridiculous things you were talking about..." What's with this choice of words? Just say what you really think, ya know. It's one thing to find someone's sexual story odd, or embarrassing, or awkward, or sexy, or whatever. But not "dig" it? Does he have some sort of moral/ethical objection to your story?
I hate to say this, but I feel like this is going to fizzle soon, maybe partially thanks to my big mouth. But the sooner the better if he can't handle the person I am, I suppose.
So this isn't exclusive to guys :biggrin:. I've had to learn first hand that same lesson, and it's soooo true. It's one thing to present the best version of yourself, but it does no one any good to try and be something you're not.
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I don't know; we're all different, I get it, but that convo seems terribly... passive-aggressive if you ask me. Sounds like a lot of game-playing on his part.
Why should you be apologizing? You were the host, right? It's your place, your party, you get to set the tone. If he doesn't like it, he can either say something or not, but don't bring it up a day or two later and use it as a weapon (and yes, judging what you said as "ridiculous" without any discussion is using it as a weapon).
Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but that really rang false to me.
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Well, ridiculous was my word initially, because I didn't feel comfortable texting "When I was talking about that semi-public blowjob" :lol
I'm also the one who brought it up two days later because I could sense some weirdness between us.
But yeah, the choice of the word "dig" rubbed me the wrong way as well and felt a bit judgemental. And yeah, maybe the long period between messages was game playing but also could have been not knowing what to say.
I have to keep reminding myself that just because somebody is very liberal and open-minded in some ways (i.e. forty pot plants in the basement, raised by lesbians) doesn't mean they are in other ways (sex).
I hate to say this, but I feel like this is going to fizzle soon, maybe partially thanks to my big mouth. But the sooner the better if he can't handle the person I am, I suppose.
So this isn't exclusive to guys :biggrin:. I've had to learn first hand that same lesson, and it's soooo true. It's one thing to present the best version of yourself, but it does no one any good to try and be something you're not.
Amen. I should be able to drunkenly blurt embarrassing truths occasionally. It wouldn't be untrue to me to not constantly share such things, but if he gets upset when I do, meh.
I feel you on not being able to have a relationship where you can't say what you mean, but that's been a lot of my relationships and I've been trying to work on it.
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I hate to say this, but I feel like this is going to fizzle soon, maybe partially thanks to my big mouth. But the sooner the better if he can't handle the person I am, I suppose.
So this isn't exclusive to guys :biggrin:. I've had to learn first hand that same lesson, and it's soooo true. It's one thing to present the best version of yourself, but it does no one any good to try and be something you're not.
Amen. I should be able to drunkenly blurt embarrassing truths occasionally. It wouldn't be untrue to me to not constantly share such things, but if he gets upset when I do, meh.
I feel you on not being able to have a relationship where you can't say what you mean, but that's been a lot of my relationships and I've been trying to work on it.
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Agree with all of this, except to note that there is a difference between being able to "say what you mean" and being able to "say whatever you want, how you want, when you want". There's a great book called "The Five Languages of Love" or some dumb shit like that, and the essence is about pointing out that HOW you say something is often more important than what you say.
For me, the former is required, the latter is sort of a pipe dream in reality. That said, it sounds like he could be a lot more tolerant.
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For me, depending on what you said, I could feel awkward in that situation. Like if I didn't know the people in the room and the girl I was dating told a ridiculous sex story and if I really did have genuine feelings for you, I could see myself feeling awkward.
The thing is though, you seem pretty open about who you are and he should know and understand that. You've been seeing him for enough time to have an understanding of you. If he didn't "dig" it then what is HE doing? He isn't going to be able to change you and shouldn't want to change you, if he isn't comfortable with the way you are then why is he spending his time with you? For sex I am guessing? Makes sense if he is always just trying to get you to come over. If you are feeling it fizzle and he is feeling awkward and not digging it, then I guess it is time to move on.
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For me, depending on what you said, I could feel awkward in that situation. Like if I didn't know the people in the room and the girl I was dating told a ridiculous sex story and if I really did have genuine feelings for you, I could see myself feeling awkward.
Even in her room? I read it as if it was a get-together SHE was hosting. Presumably, she does know the people there even if he doesn't. That to me makes it worse, that he would presume to tell her how to act in front of HER friends.
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For me, depending on what you said, I could feel awkward in that situation. Like if I didn't know the people in the room and the girl I was dating told a ridiculous sex story and if I really did have genuine feelings for you, I could see myself feeling awkward.
Even in her room? I read it as if it was a get-together SHE was hosting. Presumably, she does know the people there even if he doesn't. That to me makes it worse, that he would presume to tell her how to act in front of HER friends.
No, what I mean is if I did not know the people in the room and I was not aware of Jackie's outgoing personality but had just started dating and depending on what was said, I could see myself feeling awkward. Im not saying I would ever stop her or something. Just saying how in a certain scenario I would feel awkward too, but her scenario is different and I wouldn't see myself getting awkward in her situation, just giving an example where that would make me feel awkward. Im not sure where this takes place has any meaning though.
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He's well within his right to feel how he feels. However, if it's a problem for him then he needs to man up and say so instead of blowing it off like it's nothing. It seemed like he was perturbed by it and that's a worthy discussion. This is Jackie's personality so he needs to accept that about her or move on. Better to find out now than later how much he's willing to accept and deal with.
Just an FYI, I had a date Saturday night and I wasn't pleased. She clearly liked me much more than I liked her.
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Boo to the bad date, but at least she likes you so you did something right.
The more I think about Jackies situation, it just makes me think that guy isn't for you and maybe I am getting this wrong, but he is the guy that is looking for monogamous (but you told him you want polyamorous) , he wants you to always come to him, and then he got awkward when you acted like yourself. Seems like maybe you need to move on or have a conversation about what you both are expecting here because there seems to be some passive aggressiveness. For me, once that happens its all down hill.
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I don't mind someone who's outgoing. I need that in a woman because I'm introverted and socially awkward at times. But she was more like...
(https://i.imgflip.com/pzv0c.jpg)
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:rollin
I know what you mean, I look for a more outgoing female as well to counter my introvertness, but there is a point of too much.
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She had really nice eyes though, and I'm a total sucker for that. Someone just responded to me on OKCupid who seems like a geeky weirdo which is more up my alley, so I'm talking to her now.
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:lol, I know what you mean. In my case I'm always suspicious when a guy is that enthusiastic and complimentary and stuff. Like, either he's psycho or just trying to get into my pants.
The more I think about Jackies situation, it just makes me think that guy isn't for you and maybe I am getting this wrong, but he is the guy that is looking for monogamous (but you told him you want polyamorous) , he wants you to always come to him, and then he got awkward when you acted like yourself. Seems like maybe you need to move on or have a conversation about what you both are expecting here because there seems to be some passive aggressiveness. For me, once that happens its all down hill.
Yes, this is that same guy who said we have an expiration date because we are looking for different things. It's possible that date is nearing.
Maybe this is another one of those situations where I'm letting my physical attraction to him/pheromones get in the way of my common sense. I mean, when we are actually hanging out I really enjoy his company (though the sex can often be a bit...formulaic) and we have a good time. But his laziness has been a bit of a bummer, and this whole awkward ordeal has left me questioning things for sure. I guess we'll see if he wants to make plans this weekend, and if he does whether things continue to feel awkward. It might also be worth having a conversation about whether this is still working when I see him, but I'm so bad at initiating those.
Thanks to you all for your input, I do appreciate it :heart
Meanwhile, I sorta fell off OKC for a while but an intriguing guy reached out to me so I decided to bite. Metal guitarist and yoga instructor! Sure, why not? :lol
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:lol, I know what you mean. In my case I'm always suspicious when a guy is that enthusiastic and complimentary and stuff. Like, either he's psycho or just trying to get into my pants.
Meanwhile, I sorta fell off OKC for a while but an intriguing guy reached out to me so I decided to bite. Metal guitarist and yoga instructor! Sure, why not? :lol
So picture Kerry King doing yoga? Hmmmmm :biggrin:
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lol seems like an interesting mix
As for my personal situation, I have no idea what to think anymore. I think my last update I said I was probably done with the Brooklyn girl and the other girl had failed to meet up a couple times. Been wanting to type something out, but been really busy at work today. Anyway,
Well last weekend I was a bit too partied out from new years and miami that I just wanted to chill in and keep it simple, the Brooklyn girl was texting and decided what the hell, Ill see if she wants to chill... and she did. We just hung out, but I thought we got along well. The kissing was still poor IMO, but overall I enjoyed our time together more so than the past couple times. The next night we ended up hanging out again, pretty random to see a new girl on back to back nights for me, but I went with the flow. Another fun time together. Our kissing was still not great, but we had a much better make out session this time and I was ready to go if you know what I mean, but she didn't really act or do anything to make me feel like she felt the same. She didn't stop me from touching and whatnot, but I wasn't getting the feedback so eventually I stopped, it got late, and she went home. After she got home we were texting and I figured I need to bring it up so I asked Why she doesn't kiss with tongue and that I was interested in having sex but I couldn't read her again (which I brought up the night before) and her lack of response (she responded to the kissing and didnt stop me, but never made any of her own moves) made me think she was not interested in that and I told her I was not looking to make it awkward. So She responded saying she just hasn't been sexually active in awhile and she was enjoying our hook up, she also said she doesn't like tongue. I guess that could explain things, although I never heard of a girl who doesn't like to kiss with tongue. She then responded with lots of tongue emojis. So I think she is a cool girl and I like spending time with her, but if there isn't going to be any sexual interest from her part then it's not going to work for me. I'd like to think I can deal with her being inexperienced, but at some point it is going to cause me to lose interest if we don't get working on something. I think that may sound like I just want sex, but that's not true. But I need to be able to have sex and enjoy it before I can move on with someone, this is a road block for me. Sex doesn't need to be now or anything, its been like 4 dates, but the kissing needs to be better and I need to feel like I am not the only one trying in that regard.
As for the girl who ditched me twice, well she asked me if I wanted to meet up with her and friends at a bar to watch football. I thought that was a bit odd to meet a girl for the first time and also hang with her friends. I am not the most socially outgoing person so I really didn't like the idea of doing this, but I was pretty sure this wasn't going to happen so I played along, said sure let me know when. Around the time she had said, then came the excuse as expected. So late last night I just figured let me get this over with and call her out.... asked her if she had any interest in me. She said yes, I said it doesn't seem like it. I don't like getting blown up, I value my time, I am not interested in chatting forever (been over three weeks at this point and in my head I tell myself Ive gone to LA, Miami, enjoyed the holidays, got sick, recovered, AND MET TWO OTHER GIRLS since we started talking so I can't imagine an excuse). Well she said she understood and offered to hang out tomorrow night. I said sure, but I am skeptical. If it's cancelled I am done with her.
Then meanwhile a girl I dated last year has been chatting with me again, said shes been thinking about me. I dont know what to think about that, but Ive been chatting back. She is a nice girl and we just didn't feel a connection last year so things faded out, but Im not sure if there will be something this time. She nor I have made any attempts to hang out again.
And then there's the girl I just ended things with and we've been friendly chatting. She started telling me her problems with trying to find a guy now and some asshole on okcupid was trying to get with her and then when she denied him, he said some nasty things. Not sure what the point of this conversation was, for sympathy? for jealousy? For legit friendly conversation? No idea. I went with the flow and would like to be friendly so we shall see with that.
Anyway, sorry for the long post.
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lol seems like an interesting mix
As for my personal situation, I have no idea what to think anymore. I think my last update I said I was probably done with the Brooklyn girl and the other girl had failed to meet up a couple times. Been wanting to type something out, but been really busy at work today. Anyway,
Well last weekend I was a bit too partied out from new years and miami that I just wanted to chill in and keep it simple, the Brooklyn girl was texting and decided what the hell, Ill see if she wants to chill... and she did. We just hung out, but I thought we got along well. The kissing was still poor IMO, but overall I enjoyed our time together more so than the past couple times. The next night we ended up hanging out again, pretty random to see a new girl on back to back nights for me, but I went with the flow. Another fun time together. Our kissing was still not great, but we had a much better make out session this time and I was ready to go if you know what I mean, but she didn't really act or do anything to make me feel like she felt the same. She didn't stop me from touching and whatnot, but I wasn't getting the feedback so eventually I stopped, it got late, and she went home. After she got home we were texting and I figured I need to bring it up so I asked Why she doesn't kiss with tongue and that I was interested in having sex but I couldn't read her again (which I brought up the night before) and her lack of response (she responded to the kissing and didnt stop me, but never made any of her own moves) made me think she was not interested in that and I told her I was not looking to make it awkward. So She responded saying she just hasn't been sexually active in awhile and she was enjoying our hook up, she also said she doesn't like tongue. I guess that could explain things, although I never heard of a girl who doesn't like to kiss with tongue. She then responded with lots of tongue emojis. So I think she is a cool girl and I like spending time with her, but if there isn't going to be any sexual interest from her part then it's not going to work for me. I'd like to think I can deal with her being inexperienced, but at some point it is going to cause me to lose interest if we don't get working on something. I think that may sound like I just want sex, but that's not true. But I need to be able to have sex and enjoy it before I can move on with someone, this is a road block for me. Sex doesn't need to be now or anything, its been like 4 dates, but the kissing needs to be better and I need to feel like I am not the only one trying in that regard.
As for the girl who ditched me twice, well she asked me if I wanted to meet up with her and friends at a bar to watch football. I thought that was a bit odd to meet a girl for the first time and also hang with her friends. I am not the most socially outgoing person so I really didn't like the idea of doing this, but I was pretty sure this wasn't going to happen so I played along, said sure let me know when. Around the time she had said, then came the excuse as expected. So late last night I just figured let me get this over with and call her out.... asked her if she had any interest in me. She said yes, I said it doesn't seem like it. I don't like getting blown up, I value my time, I am not interested in chatting forever (been over three weeks at this point and in my head I tell myself Ive gone to LA, Miami, enjoyed the holidays, got sick, recovered, AND MET TWO OTHER GIRLS since we started talking so I can't imagine an excuse). Well she said she understood and offered to hang out tomorrow night. I said sure, but I am skeptical. If it's cancelled I am done with her.
Then meanwhile a girl I dated last year has been chatting with me again, said shes been thinking about me. I dont know what to think about that, but Ive been chatting back. She is a nice girl and we just didn't feel a connection last year so things faded out, but Im not sure if there will be something this time. She nor I have made any attempts to hang out again.
And then there's the girl I just ended things with and we've been friendly chatting. She started telling me her problems with trying to find a guy now and some asshole on okcupid was trying to get with her and then when she denied him, he said some nasty things. Not sure what the point of this conversation was, for sympathy? for jealousy? For legit friendly conversation? No idea. I went with the flow and would like to be friendly so we shall see with that.
Anyway, sorry for the long post.
Lets see...
Bad kisser girl - I would have a hard time with a girl who was a bad kisser, but that's just me. I need to feel that. I'd rather her be inexperienced sexually than a bad kisser. I'd say give her the benefit of the doubt if it was JUST the sex issue, but with both things I'd probably move on. Again, that's just me.
Ditchy girl - Give her one more chance. I mean, she's lucky to be getting an extra chance. She needs to explain why she's ditched you those other times. Maybe it's something really awkward for her and she has social anxieties? I don't know. Whatever it is, an explanation is deserved.
Thinking girl - See what happens. Don't drag it out though. It's like slowly pulling duct tape off a submissive.
Hindsight girl - You're the nice guy she's going back to after some asshole treated her like a piece of meat.
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Yea, the bad kiss is a turn off. A big one. But she is really cool and I enjoy hanging out with her. I definitely wouldn't of devoted a Friday AND Saturday if I wasn't having fun with her. It's hard for me to ditch her because she is fun and I like chilling with her, we "click" in many ways.
Im not even sure the ditchy girl will give me an explanation. The only reason I am still interested is because she felt like a really down to earth girl, someone I could relate to in many ways, and honestly I find her very attractive. All of this means nothing if she won't meet up, but tomorrow is do or die.
As for hindsight girl, it was me who ended it so its not like she has a regret for ending it or something. But, we got our tickets for Epica in a few weeks so we will be chilling that night so I guess I'll have a better idea of how we will get along then.
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That's the show at Starland Ballroom?
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That's the show at Starland Ballroom?
I wish it were that close to me, its at Irving Plaza in the city.
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That's the show at Starland Ballroom?
I wish it were that close to me, its at Irving Plaza in the city.
You couldn't get tickets for the Starland show?
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That's the show at Starland Ballroom?
I wish it were that close to me, its at Irving Plaza in the city.
You couldn't get tickets for the Starland show?
They are not playing at Starland. Unless I am missing something. I definitely would have gone there if they were playing.
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I was thinking of Nightwish. My mistake. Maybe I'll go to Irving Plaza then. I'm sure they aren't sold out yet.
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I was thinking of Nightwish. My mistake. Maybe I'll go to Irving Plaza then. I'm sure they aren't sold out yet.
Doubt its sold out or will sell out, but I will also be at NW at Starland, looking forward to that one very much. Begins my stretch of seeing my three favorite bands in three consecutive months, NW in Feb, Iron Maiden in March, then DT in April. So pumped for this string of concerts, add in Epica in january and thats four months of good times coming up. Funny, this chick also has tickets for NW and wants to go to DT.
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That would be cool if it worked out, or even if you just wound up as friends. Keep an eye on that one and try and read the situation.
If I go to Epica, I'll probably just stay in Brooklyn until showtime and then head into Manhattan instead of going all the way home just to come back. I might even crash at my job instead of going home after the show, especially if I have a few drinks.
I'd love to see Nightwish also but we'll see. Epica comes first. Queensryche is playing Starland also but I've seen them a few times already.
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So yeah, the situation with bad kisser girl sounds weird. If she's not really responding sexually, that's a bit strange.
Like John said, maybe one more chance for the flake but that's IT. I probably would've given up at this point, to be honest. Like you pointed out, you've done all this shit and she hasn't even been able to free up one night for you. Screw that.
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I love that you're both using the pseudonyms I gave the girls. :biggrin:
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I think I said this before, but I met a cool girl when I was single, very pretty face (though heavy, but that's not a deal-breaker for me), VERY smart, into cool music, doesn't mind throwing back a bottle of wine now and again, but we kissed and... it was a total zero. In theory I could muster up desire for her (meaning, when I was thinking about her when we were apart) but when we got together there was just zero sexual chemistry, and she just wasn't there as a kisser (her problem was the opposite: all tongue all the time). She's sort of my version of your "cool girl" that you're going to the concert with.
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Yea I get it. I've talked about how important a good kisser is before and this is really my first experience of cool girl bad kisser. I told her upfront how I felt about it, Im willing to give another shot and see if anything has improved in this area. I should say that it's not like I don't enjoy kissing her, I mean it still got me turned on, but without tongue it feels less passionate. She said she is inexperienced, I told her how I feel, her response will dictate the future of this.
Yes, I should have given up on the canceling chick, but tonight is the final night. We are texting now, she was also given an upfront response about her cancellations so I am willing to see how she responds tonight.
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Keep us posted. I'm curious to see what she does.
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Keep us posted. I'm curious to see what she does.
Texted her a few times and we got a time and place, but I definitely feel like something is going to come up. I don't feel good about it at all, I worked 16 hours yesterday, she already asked if I was too tired and if i wanted to reschedule till tomorrow... nope I aint tired.
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Yeah sounds like she's already looking for an out. Bad sign but we shall see!
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Keep us posted. I'm curious to see what she does.
Texted her a few times and we got a time and place, but I definitely feel like something is going to come up. I don't feel good about it at all, I worked 16 hours yesterday, she already asked if I was too tired and if i wanted to reschedule till tomorrow... nope I aint tired.
Take no shit, my friend. Do or die, tonight. A bit melodramatic on my part, but you get the point. ;)
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Keep us posted. I'm curious to see what she does.
Texted her a few times and we got a time and place, but I definitely feel like something is going to come up. I don't feel good about it at all, I worked 16 hours yesterday, she already asked if I was too tired and if i wanted to reschedule till tomorrow... nope I aint tired.
Take no shit, my friend. Do or die, tonight. A bit melodramatic on my part, but you get the point. ;)
I literally typed out "its do or die bitch" but deleted it thinking it was too much :lol
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It must be that NJ/Staten Island air. :lol
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:lol
What happened? Maybe no post by this hour is good news...
Things are finally feeling sorta normal again in conversation with this guy. I gave him a bit of half-joking attitude earlier when he pulled the whole "you should come over" thing but later in the evening we actually exchanged some good texts. We are supposed to hang Saturday night unto Sunday.
Meanwhile I got a message on OKC from a very attractive dude asking "Want to commit blasphemy?" :lol
I told him that was an average Tuesday night for me and asked him to define it.
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:lol
That's good you two are getting along then
So patience has paid off. Definitely one of the best first dates I have had. We just met at a local bar and had a few beers for about 3 hours. Our conversation just flowed really well and we seemed to get along right off the bat. She is a bit more outgoing than me so that was perfect. Very attractive too, looked better than her pictures. So it was starting to get late, we call it a night, as soon as she gets home I get a text saying she had a great time and we immediately scheduled a second date for Friday. I couldn't sleep at all last night, I came home and was on such a high that I just laid in bed with a big smile on my face.
She seemed very genuine too, exactly like I thought and the reason why I kept trying even going against my own rules of dating. Trusting my instincts was a good decision in this case. Well until she cancels Friday :lol
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Excellent! I'm glad to hear it went so well. Lets see what happens Friday. Maybe those cancellations were cold feet.
Things are finally feeling sorta normal again in conversation with this guy. I gave him a bit of half-joking attitude earlier when he pulled the whole "you should come over" thing but later in the evening we actually exchanged some good texts. We are supposed to hang Saturday night unto Sunday.
Are you still concerned about his actions as of late?
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I mean, I'm still annoyed by his always trying to get me to go up there, but whatever. And I'll bring up what happened Friday in person if I think it's appropriate, but we shall see. He did come down here Friday so I have no problem going up there Saturday.
And yay cram, awesome news! Maybe she had some anxiety about it, hence the cancelling. Hope Friday happens.
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I mean, I'm still annoyed by his always trying to get me to go up there, but whatever. And I'll bring up what happened Friday in person if I think it's appropriate, but we shall see. He did come down here Friday so I have no problem going up there Saturday.
And yay cram, awesome news! Maybe she had some anxiety about it, hence the cancelling. Hope Friday happens.
That's great and the way it should be, I mean it's not always going to be equal, but to at least put the effort and try to do your part.
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I mean, I'm still annoyed by his always trying to get me to go up there, but whatever. And I'll bring up what happened Friday in person if I think it's appropriate, but we shall see. He did come down here Friday so I have no problem going up there Saturday.
Maybe that's something you can get him to ease up on and get him off his ass more often.
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So there was one other girl I've been chatting with and actually went on a date with back a few weeks ago. It's funny because this girl, the brooklyn girl, and then the girl I finally met the other day all wanted to make plans with me on Friday. I'm going to be pissed if I get ditched again, but I am feeling more confident this time. The way she texts me now is completely different (pretty much always happens after I meet a girl) and actually is showing interest. We set a time and place for dinner and drinks. Well as for the girl I met a few week ago, a very pretty girl and really nice, I told her after she requested to meet up that I thought we didn't really click and that I was going to move on. We hardly talk anyway, maybe a text or two a day, so I didn't even think she had that much interest even though I know she really enjoyed our meet up. Well, I felt really bad after saying that because she actually put up a fight to keep it going. Saying she would wait for me to find time and that she thought we had something going... I couldn't believe it. I didn't feel that way at all. It made me feel really bad for her. Very nice girl, just not for me, had nothing in common and considering I am way more interested in the other two girls, I figured it's best I just let this girl know how I feel. :(
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Yeah, definitely best. Weird that you barely talk but she thought you had something going on. Just goes to show the importance of communication!
I mean, I'm still annoyed by his always trying to get me to go up there, but whatever. And I'll bring up what happened Friday in person if I think it's appropriate, but we shall see. He did come down here Friday so I have no problem going up there Saturday.
Maybe that's something you can get him to ease up on and get him off his ass more often.
I actually lightheartedly told the guy it was annoying when he did that all the time, but we shall see if it changes. We didn't talk much yesterday but he was busy with plant stuff. Still have plans to hang Saturday night.
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My romantic life is sooo amebic. I wonder what it would be like if it were constant. But I can't envision it being constant with any of my current partners.
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I was supposed to meet up with someone from OKCupid last night but she stood me up. So, I'm back down to zero hopefuls. It's unreal how quick you can get a handful of hopefuls, then you blink and they're all gone.
My romantic life is sooo amebic. I wonder what it would be like if it were constant. But I can't envision it being constant with any of my current partners.
Are you happy with the state of it though, Luna?
I actually lightheartedly told the guy it was annoying when he did that all the time, but we shall see if it changes. We didn't talk much yesterday but he was busy with plant stuff. Still have plans to hang Saturday night.
Give it a little more time if you think there's hope. Otherwise, cut him loose, but not before stealing some of those plants. ;)
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:lol yes, i'll take a plant too
Sucks Prog, but I'm sure you'll find someone fairly quick, seems like you are always talking to someone.
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I was supposed to meet up with someone from OKCupid last night but she stood me up. So, I'm back down to zero hopefuls. It's unreal how quick you can get a handful of hopefuls, then you blink and they're all gone.
Online is so full of flakes :(
My romantic life is sooo amebic. I wonder what it would be like if it were constant. But I can't envision it being constant with any of my current partners.
Are you happy with the state of it though, Luna?
No, but what I want out of my love life is not even physically or medically possible.
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I was supposed to meet up with someone from OKCupid last night but she stood me up. So, I'm back down to zero hopefuls. It's unreal how quick you can get a handful of hopefuls, then you blink and they're all gone.
Online is so full of flakes :(
My romantic life is sooo amebic. I wonder what it would be like if it were constant. But I can't envision it being constant with any of my current partners.
Are you happy with the state of it though, Luna?
No, but what I want out of my love life is not even physically or medically possible.
I've spoken to many flakes. It's discouraging. I'm the weirdo on these sites that likes Lovecraft and dragons and swing music. That's not something people flee to on Staten Island.
Well, what would you like out of your love life?
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I think most people are too busy fleeing from Staten Island to be that cool. Lame that you got stood up :(
A very cute dude messaged me on OKC and seems to be looking purely for (potentially kinky) sex. I am intrigued...
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Okay so basically everyone be cognizant of if Jackie doesn't post for a while. :lol
Srsly though, be careful! <*has just read a few articles on scary, sick motherfuckers predating on social sites*
(Plus I'm pretty sure I still have yo numah so...well...actually I'm not sure how that'd help but there's that random info anyway! *carefully plans to call upon moment of penetration*)
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Of course be careful, I would imagine Jackie knows enough about meeting people online to be able to play it safe. But also enjoy, have fun. I wish I met a girl who just wanted to experiment and have kinky fun without holding each other to some sort of standard. I mean that from someone who spent their prime years with a single woman who was as kinky as the grass on my front lawn and is currently dating a girl who doesn't kiss with tongue :lol
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Definitely mostly jesting. Still doesn't hurt to say.
But yeah, it's nice to have dat nasty. But also don't take for granted what you have! It's always better than your hand. Well, y'know, for the most part. Nobody knows your naughty bits better than Mr. Handy.
I've still got my naughty lady and have fun from time to time. I mean, not like we're dating. All you dating mofos are fucking crazy. But it's nice to just sprawl out on my couch and blast some horribly degrading porn and develop some nice calluses. Y'know, in case you all needed some imagery to masturbate to tonight. YOU'RE WELCOME.
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I think most people are too busy fleeing from Staten Island to be that cool. Lame that you got stood up :(
The problem is that most of the cultured and intelligent females live elsewhere in the city and won't travel to Staten Island because it's an inconvenience that it's not connected to the subway lines.
A very cute dude messaged me on OKC and seems to be looking purely for (potentially kinky) sex. I am intrigued...
Well, that does sound intriguing. :) Let us know what happens.
Of course be careful, I would imagine Jackie knows enough about meeting people online to be able to play it safe. But also enjoy, have fun. I wish I met a girl who just wanted to experiment and have kinky fun without holding each other to some sort of standard. I mean that from someone who spent their prime years with a single woman who was as kinky as the grass on my front lawn and is currently dating a girl who doesn't kiss with tongue :lol
If you're looking for that, go on FetLife. ;)
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Psh. It's all BOUT dat list from Craig.
"Horny 60 y.o. F looking to use my new turkey baster"
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Nah, I am not looking just for that, but would be nice to find an awesome girl who was interested in some fun in the bed.
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Psh. It's all BOUT dat list from Craig.
"Horny 60 y.o. F looking to use my new turkey baster"
DEFINITELY showing my age here, but always took the approach that, online, "if it sounded too good to be true, it probably was". Having said that, with only a modicum of effort, match.com was chock full of 38-45 year old women looking to push boundaries, if you smell what the Stadler is cookin'.
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Nah, I am not looking just for that, but would be nice to find an awesome girl who was interested in some fun in the bed.
I can usually judge that based on the answers to the questions on OKCupid. Or just pay attention to a woman's words and actions. I can usually tell by that if she's sexually curious or a girl scout.
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It's still true to an extent, Stadler. I smell ya. But I think it's a lot less prominent when it comes to the majority given the way that unless you're a relatively skilled hacker (and let's be for realzies, those guys are not out on the prowl 99% of the time), you're traced very easily and everything is more out in the open. However, there have definitely been cases where there's some sketchy shit goin' on. I'm not worried in the least about Jackie's ability to differentiate or snuff out the weirdos though; just makin' a joke out of the kinkiness of the situation.
I do think erring on the side of caution is always a good idea whether you're male or female; obviously more so for the ladies. But I have heard on a few occasions women setting up men to be jacked or ganged up on upon the meet by either their boyfriend or friends; it actually happened to a friend of mine a couple years ago and he ended up in the hospital. Course those things are few and far between, I'm just sayin'. Everyone thinks it's not going to happen to them until it does!
Not to put a damper on anyone's meet up. Pretty sure everyone here is smarter than the VAST majority of the fools on dating sites that get into those situations. "Huh? You wanna meet by the dumpster behind Denny's at 3 AM? SURE SOUNDS FUN!"
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:lol
Yeah I did some stupid shit back in the day, but these days I know better. I will definitely make sure somebody knows where I am when I'm meeting up with him, if it gets to that point. Man, it would be nice to just have somebody who I had no attachment to who would just fuck the shit out of me while wearing a priest collar occasionally.
Did I write that out loud?
I'm meeting up with the metal/yoga guy tomorrow at a brewery, will see where that goes!
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:lol
Yeah I did some stupid shit back in the day, but these days I know better. I will definitely make sure somebody knows where I am when I'm meeting up with him, if it gets to that point. Man, it would be nice to just have somebody who I had no attachment to who would just fuck the shit out of me while wearing a priest collar occasionally.
Did I write that out loud?
So, it's nice to know I'm not alone with the religious garb fantasies. ;)
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:lol
Yeah I did some stupid shit back in the day, but these days I know better. I will definitely make sure somebody knows where I am when I'm meeting up with him, if it gets to that point. Man, it would be nice to just have somebody who I had no attachment to who would just fuck the shit out of me while wearing a priest collar occasionally.
Did I write that out loud?
I'm meeting up with the metal/yoga guy tomorrow at a brewery, will see where that goes!
Ohhhh I lobe you Jackie. That is so power so energy. :metal :police:
I mean you didn't write it out LOUD but you wrote it out.
It IS nice.
I'm tired of my friends giving me shit for having fuck buddies. I never got to do this when everyone else was doing it. Now I'm 26 and these nitwits are all having babies and pretending it was on purpose. Psh. Motherfucker I've known you since before your balls dropped. THAT RIGHT THERE IS AN ACCIDENT BABY. Still awesome and beautiful and blah fuckin' blah. STILL an accident. Literally all of my friends have a kid and they were all unplanned. All of them. One actually technically hasn't yet but he's married and actually is trying so he will soon (so all but one). Then they're all "Oh man Jorge you just don't get it bro, you don't get it". Uhhhh fuck you Frank, I get it. JUUUUST because I like randomly hooking up with a woman (who I know; not random women, randomly hooking up) and treating her like a dirty little slut (as a gentleman) and then promptly leaving (or politely having her leave) to go play Pokemon doesn't mean I don't 'get it'. Ya little married shit. I've raised babies to near adulthood. The fact they weren't mine is irrelevant. I get it more than you noob parents.
< Doesn't like to sleep in the same bed with someone. Doesn't like to share food/space/TV rights/music playing time/who gets the most sheets tonight/bathroom/etc. infinitely. Unless just having an existential crisis, doesn't like to cuddle unless it's leading to foreplay. Doesn't like pretending to give a shit about birthdays or valentine's day. Doesn't like to pretend to give a shit over menial drama fights like who put the toilet paper roll on the wrong way or who forgot to feed the dog.
Yes. I am single and I actually do love it. Don't hate me because I'm singleful. Rant done! See, now I'm worked up. So what do I do? I'm gonna call my ladyfriend, have her sit on my face and crotch for an hour and then I'm gonna say "So I'm gonna play some Dragon Quest" and she's gonna say "Thanks for the fun hun, see ya later!" and we'll both be happy. That's how it works, FRANK.
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:rollin, you have the best rants! :heart
I agree with most of that. I had a couple good fuck buddy arrangements in the past but it's been a while. I feel like maybe I'm ready to start getting back into some of the kinky stuff after a long hiatus, but nobody I'm seeing is heavily into it.
John, it's definitely a thing for me as well, but I won't go into detail :p
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:rollin, you have the best rants! :heart
I agree with most of that. I had a couple good fuck buddy arrangements in the past but it's been a while. I feel like maybe I'm ready to start getting back into some of the kinky stuff after a long hiatus, but nobody I'm seeing is heavily into it.
John, it's definitely a thing for me as well, but I won't go into detail :p
:lol
Neither will I. Though I will say Cradle of Filth has a few good t-shirts with depraved nuns on them. ;)
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I love these details though :rollin
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:rollin, you have the best rants! :heart
I agree with most of that. I had a couple good fuck buddy arrangements in the past but it's been a while. I feel like maybe I'm ready to start getting back into some of the kinky stuff after a long hiatus, but nobody I'm seeing is heavily into it.
John, it's definitely a thing for me as well, but I won't go into detail :p
:lol
Neither will I. Though I will say Cradle of Filth has a few good t-shirts with depraved nuns on them. ;)
Dressed as the Unknown Comic on Halloween one year in college. After going through about five paper bags (they are hard to drink beer through) I bailed on the costume, and since I had a black shirt and black pants on, I finished the night as a "priest". I don't remember exactly, but the odds are I did have sex that night with the girl I was seeing, but I don't remember it being a big deal.
A couple years later, I was at a Halloween party where this really cute girl was dressed as a nun. I didn't get lucky with her, but she was getting a LOT of attention. Don't know if it was the costume or her, but she was a star that night.
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Dammit, can't find the pic I want but these will do...
(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v296/erotomaniac/Mee/scan0001.jpg)
(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v296/erotomaniac/Mee/l_873d9af8ca7142fabde77f2ac01f25d4.jpg)
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I've seen the top one before, not the bottom. It's still pretty fuckin sexy.
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Can't say I'm into the religious/nun look lol but the fantasy/role playing concept is definitely cool
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Can't say I'm into the religious/nun look lol but the fantasy/role playing concept is definitely cool
That's fine. More Sister Jackie for me. :lol ;)
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This discussion is making me uncomfortable...
...down there :hat
More pics or it didn't happen!
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(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/88/a8/8a/88a88a1dec6d09b4964ce46008febbd7.jpg)
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Lol, now the lingerie, that I definitely can get into
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What a pleasant turn this thread took!
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Yes, well when you're dealing with a depraved libertine, this is what's going to happen.
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So the cancelling girl just cancelled on me :censored so pissed off right now. She texted me saying "I know you think I'm probably the biggest flake, but I had something for lunch that really made me sick blah blah blah" I responded with "Not going to lie, that is how I feel and was expecting the cancellation text" Luckily I literally was expecting that text and had back up plans so my friday night isn't ruined, but I turned down two other girls tonight because I thought after our date Tuesday we were past the cancelling. Just really annoyed and frustrated. She immediately tried to make plans for Sunday, I said I could do Sunday but Im not hopeful on it actually happening. She hasn't responded now. Whatever.
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I wouldn't give her anymore chances. You have other hopefuls, so don't waste your time anymore. Just my two cents.
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I've been keeping up, just haven't felt compelled to post until now. I'll post elsewhere, but I was thinking that I may be out of the Club but nope... really sad about it too. Anyway...
I wouldn't give her anymore chances. You have other hopefuls, so don't waste your time anymore. Just my two cents.
*ding!*
You've given this special snowflake MORE than enough chances. Now, as someone with IBS... a lot of things can trigger a bad flare, but I'll be up front and honest and say "This isn't the best day for me because of _____ " and either not plan anything or call/text with more than enough notice to hopefully not piss people off. In this case however, it rings false given her prior behavior. Honestly, cram, I think you gave her more chances than she deserved but that's my personal opinion.
(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v296/erotomaniac/Mee/l_873d9af8ca7142fabde77f2ac01f25d4.jpg)
:drool: :heart :hefdaddy
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Me, I would play it in between. If she goes the extra mile, take her up on it, but don't do all the heavy lifting.
Probably inappropriate, but since we're on the subject... I'm traveling this week (I travel a lot, though not in the last four months or so). I know the "Penthouse Letters" thing is essentially the guy version of Twilight fan fiction, but... there's something hot about the sudden, unexpected nature of a lot of those stories. Like having the cute cleaning lady come in and clean your pipes instead of the bathroom. Or having the girl behind the front desk come up after her shift to "see if everything is all right with your room" (wink wink). Or, slightly less improbably, be at the hotel bar and have the woman next to you (preferably married) say "listen, you're traveling, I'm traveling, let's just go upstairs and in the morning we'll pretend this never happened".
I know me well enough and now that I am married I know I don't have the constitution to go through with it, but it's an attractive concept, to me.
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Well, I've had the woman at the bar hit on me. While we didn't have sex, we did fool around in my car for a bit.
I have a librarian fetish which I would like realized one day.
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Me, I would play it in between. If she goes the extra mile, take her up on it, but don't do all the heavy lifting.
Probably inappropriate, but since we're on the subject... I'm traveling this week (I travel a lot, though not in the last four months or so). I know the "Penthouse Letters" thing is essentially the guy version of Twilight fan fiction, but... there's something hot about the sudden, unexpected nature of a lot of those stories. Like having the cute cleaning lady come in and clean your pipes instead of the bathroom. Or having the girl behind the front desk come up after her shift to "see if everything is all right with your room" (wink wink). Or, slightly less improbably, be at the hotel bar and have the woman next to you (preferably married) say "listen, you're traveling, I'm traveling, let's just go upstairs and in the morning we'll pretend this never happened".
I know me well enough and now that I am married I know I don't have the constitution to go through with it, but it's an attractive concept, to me.
Totally agree. It's hot (so is that nun pic, John!)
And yeah, I also agree with your thoughts on flaky girl. If she's willing to put forth exceptional effort, give her another chance. And by exceptional I mean a really long blow job, probably.
So my wasn't-sure-if-it-was-a-date with the metal yoga guy most definitely was a date, and went very well indeed :eyebrows:
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Me, I would play it in between. If she goes the extra mile, take her up on it, but don't do all the heavy lifting.
Probably inappropriate, but since we're on the subject... I'm traveling this week (I travel a lot, though not in the last four months or so). I know the "Penthouse Letters" thing is essentially the guy version of Twilight fan fiction, but... there's something hot about the sudden, unexpected nature of a lot of those stories. Like having the cute cleaning lady come in and clean your pipes instead of the bathroom. Or having the girl behind the front desk come up after her shift to "see if everything is all right with your room" (wink wink). Or, slightly less improbably, be at the hotel bar and have the woman next to you (preferably married) say "listen, you're traveling, I'm traveling, let's just go upstairs and in the morning we'll pretend this never happened".
I know me well enough and now that I am married I know I don't have the constitution to go through with it, but it's an attractive concept, to me.
Totally agree. It's hot (so is that nun pic, John!)
And yeah, I also agree with your thoughts on flaky girl. If she's willing to put forth exceptional effort, give her another chance. And by exceptional I mean a really long blow job, probably.
So my wasn't-sure-if-it-was-a-date with the metal yoga guy most definitely was a date, and went very well indeed :eyebrows:
Glad to hear it. Is there a second date in the works?
Cram, I hope you're getting your moneys worth with this next date. I swear if she cancels on you again, I'm personally coming out there to drag her from her house to yours.
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So my wasn't-sure-if-it-was-a-date with the metal yoga guy most definitely was a date, and went very well indeed :eyebrows:
:tup :tup
So she followed up with some seemingly trying messages and I would say she put some effort there, but I don't know if it's a little too late. If Tuesday night hadn't gone so well this would be a no brainer, but Tuesday night was one of the best first dates/meetings I had ever had. I typed up the goodbye text and it's just sitting there, but I haven't hit send because of how well that date did go. :|
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The truth is, even if you have a second date that's amazing she's going to continue being a flake. That's just some people. If you're willing to forgive and put up with it because you like her that's a totally valid choice, but you just need to be prepared for the same shit and know what your limits are.
And no John, no second date planned yet but it was late when we parted ways. I'll probably send him a text later today reiterating what a good time I had and see what happens.
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Keep us updated.
I think, as far as my experience on OKCupid, I've messaged everyone there is to message in my area. It's kind of sad really.
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The truth is, even if you have a second date that's amazing she's going to continue being a flake. That's just some people. If you're willing to forgive and put up with it because you like her that's a totally valid choice, but you just need to be prepared for the same shit and know what your limits are.
You think this girl would always be like this? Like if she liked me, even as much as she said she did from the first date, she would consistently cancel plans? How does such a person have friends then? :lol
I think, as far as my experience on OKCupid, I've messaged everyone there is to message in my area. It's kind of sad really.
I feel like I've browsed all the girls in my area as well, I just lay off it for a bit and then some of the ladies refresh.
So I just ended up going out at a club near the shore with my friend last night. This move surprisingly worked, we both sat at the bar, two girls sat at the bar next to us, girls way out of my league. However, my friend is really good looking (I mentioned him before with the girls) so they were his kind of girls. We've gone to this place a lot so I know it pretty well, but I ask the girl where the bathroom is to break the ice :lol then my friend moves in and gets her friends instagram (not number :lol apparantly that's the way to do it these days?) and now he tells me he will get her in the sack within 2 weeks. Sucked to not go on that date, but at least last night was a blast. Probably go out again tonight if Brooklyn girl isn't around.
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At least something good came out of the night, right?
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Oh yea, I had a lot of fun regardless.
And it's funny how things now work out. I make plans to go to AC tonight with my friend and maybe 30 minutes later I get a message on okcupid, a girl I messaged Thursday night but didn't hear from. Turns out she is in Harrahs going to the pool party, same thing I am doing. She is from the next town over from me, 90 minutes away from AC. She wants to meet up. Talk about coincidence. :biggrin: :lol :hat
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Oh weird, that's cool! And yeah, I think some people are just flaky. I've got friends who are sorta that way, and you just kinda get used to it and don't see them much. I've dated people not quite like that but people who were unreliable, and it kinda drove me crazy.
She's not just going to change old habits because she likes you, IMO.
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Well the flaky girl has a resolution, got this text just before I left AC
"Hey I hope you had fun in AC. I want to be completely honest with you. I saw my ex last night and we started talking and I dont know whats going to happen from here but I dont want to drag you into my drama. Im sorry that I wasted your time."
My response "yikes" :lol
Well glad that's over with. AC girl last night was fun and completely random, but she was definitely fun :o
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Yay for random fun! And yikes indeed. Sounds like you dodged a bullet with the flake.
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Better off this way. She was probably bouncing back and forth with her ex this whole time, which was why there were so many eleventh hour plan changes.
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You called it with the flake.
I gave myself a rule awhile ago that if she cancels the first date, then I'm done, to avoid this situation. I thought that girl was honestly the most attractive and she seemed legit, had a job, close to her family, a sense of humor, seemingly a lot of friends (one of her friends even knew my friend and he vouched for her friend as a good girl). and her excuses seemed legit, then we met and she was as awesome as I thought, but the truth finally comes out, only 24 hours after saying "I promise you I am not wasting your time" I need to follow my rules more often here on out.
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It wasn't so bad. You didn't compromise yourself for her. You did what you thought was right by giving her another chance because you sensed hope there. It's her loss and now you can focus on finding something more fruitful.
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True that.
So I spent last night-half of today with the dude who I wasn't sure about anymore, and it was realllllly nice. We got dinner, drank some beer, watched movies, cuddled, and had a bunch of sex. Soo things are good for now, I think. I did not bring up the awkward party moment. He was kind of having a bad day (complicated situation with his roommates) so my primary goal was to distract him and lift his mood by draining his precious bodily fluids. I think it worked.
I have plans to go see The Revenant with a guy from OKC Tuesday. We've sent each other a ton of messages for the last several months but have both been super busy and he travels a lot for work, so we never met up before. He seems cool but I have no idea if there will be any actual chemistry. We shall see.
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True that.
So I spent last night-half of today with the dude who I wasn't sure about anymore, and it was realllllly nice. We got dinner, drank some beer, watched movies, cuddled, and had a bunch of sex. Soo things are good for now, I think. I did not bring up the awkward party moment. He was kind of having a bad day (complicated situation with his roommates) so my primary goal was to distract him and lift his mood by draining his precious bodily fluids. I think it worked.
I have plans to go see The Revenant with a guy from OKC Tuesday. We've sent each other a ton of messages for the last several months but have both been super busy and he travels a lot for work, so we never met up before. He seems cool but I have no idea if there will be any actual chemistry. We shall see.
I love how you worded that, "draining his precious bodily fluids." I'm glad that you had a nice time with him. My opinion, don't bring up the party moment again. See if things continue to go well and if it's enough to push the party to the back of your mind, then enjoy what you have. If he's really that discombobulated, then it won't be something he can hide easily and it'll show itself again. Time will tell.
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Yeah, I agree. He was fine this time (other than being upset/stressed about roommate stuff) so I don't think it's an issue anymore. I think he was really happy to have me there as a distraction and support and I was glad to be there.
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Sweet, draining of the body fluids is a necesary thing, not much different than needing an oil change in the car :lol
Glad you guys moved past that party moment and are just having fun again.
AC girl was rather annoying yesterday. Wouldn't stop texting me, telling me she wants to be laying in bed with me (many times)... which is nice and all but I had to tell her twice that I wasn't available to hang out last night (I mean I technically was, but needed my Sunday night of rest for the week). She didn't get my hints so I flat out said she is being too aggressive. She backed off after that. She wants to see a movie Tuesday night. I'm debating it.
Here is what really makes sad though, I matched on Tinder with a girl when I was in AC. I gave her the "really like" or whatever it is called. Girl looks beautiful, went to PSU, and her little profile matched A LOT of things that I enjoy as well (like shockingly similar). Last night we chatted for awhile, had a great convo, but she is from Philly :( we left it at next time I go to Philly I have a friend and likewas for her when she comes to Jersey/NYC.
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The truth is, even if you have a second date that's amazing she's going to continue being a flake. That's just some people. If you're willing to forgive and put up with it because you like her that's a totally valid choice, but you just need to be prepared for the same shit and know what your limits are.
You think this girl would always be like this? Like if she liked me, even as much as she said she did from the first date, she would consistently cancel plans? How does such a person have friends then? :lol
'cause she's cool enough that people put up with it. I don't mean that to be snarky, but t's like any other trait that a person has. For some people it's a deal breaker, for others' it's not. For me, being a little flaky is tolerable up to a point. Cancelling dinner and drinks isn't the worst thing in the world; if I spring for Roger Waters "The Wall" tickets and a hotel room (we're looking at $750 invested at that point) and she calls to say "she has to get up early tomorrow" that's a different story.
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Here is what really makes sad though, I matched on Tinder with a girl when I was in AC. I gave her the "really like" or whatever it is called. Girl looks beautiful, went to PSU, and her little profile matched A LOT of things that I enjoy as well (like shockingly similar). Last night we chatted for awhile, had a great convo, but she is from Philly :( we left it at next time I go to Philly I have a friend and likewas for her when she comes to Jersey/NYC.
City Philly, Mainline Philly, or North Philly? Center City is an AWESOME place for meeting a girl. If it happens let me know; I can have a list of 10 places in about 18 seconds, depending on your mood, your wallet and your ideas for the evening.
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The truth is, even if you have a second date that's amazing she's going to continue being a flake. That's just some people. If you're willing to forgive and put up with it because you like her that's a totally valid choice, but you just need to be prepared for the same shit and know what your limits are.
You think this girl would always be like this? Like if she liked me, even as much as she said she did from the first date, she would consistently cancel plans? How does such a person have friends then? :lol
'cause she's cool enough that people put up with it. I don't mean that to be snarky, but t's like any other trait that a person has. For some people it's a deal breaker, for others' it's not. For me, being a little flaky is tolerable up to a point. Cancelling dinner and drinks isn't the worst thing in the world; if I spring for Roger Waters "The Wall" tickets and a hotel room (we're looking at $750 invested at that point) and she calls to say "she has to get up early tomorrow" that's a different story.
Yea, I mean some flakiness is normal and we have all experienced it and have been flaky our selves. It's not like I never cancelled something last minute. I can deal with that and be understanding, but if it was constant, I couldn't deal with that. Not from a potential GF. Rubs me off as being disrespectful. And honestly, the ex BF being in the scene seems like the likely reason for her flakiness and I totally agree with the thought that he wasn't just around this weekend. My guess is they have been on/off or something, I caught her during the off time. Im glad that it's just over now and I don't have to think about it. She sucks as far as I am concerned now :lol Oh and her flakiness totally lead to me having an awesome weekend, so maybe I should just thank her.
As for philly, she is on the west side near St. Joes. I have no plans on ever actually driving the hour and a half to meet her for a date. That is a bit extreme for me, but thank you for the offer.
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AC girl is done. She was being very pushy, which I had already told her to stop, but I had a nice home cooked meal that I was working on and figured I'd be nice and invite her over for dinner. She spent most of the time on the phone, text messages and phone ringing which she answered a few times. She was clearly only looking for sex, which would have been OK if I had enjoyed her company, but I just felt annoyed the entire time and was really turned off. I told her I was tired and ready for bed, she left. I texted her after saying I was not digging this, she wasn't happy, but boy am I glad to get rid of her :lol
So I am down to the Brooklyn girl. We still talk, she said she misses me since we haven't hung out in two weeks, but we made plans for Friday night, I will make the trip out to her. See where that goes, probably some bad kissing, but I've always enjoyed our time together.
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See what happens with her. You never know. Maybe something will ignite this time.
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Oh man, sounds like AC girl was another bullet dodged. That would drive me crazy if she was on her phone that much. I hope the date with Brooklyn goes well!
I met an OKC guy last night who was very cool but not sure if I felt much of a spark. I think I would enjoy hanging with him again, though. We shall see.
Long story but again I'm a little annoyed with the one guy for the continual message that he feels I should come to his place all the time. A friend of mine asked about substance use and basically said he sounds like all of his pothead friends who want to get laid but don't have the drive to get off their asses and want girls to come to them. He does smoke a good amount but I never thought of him as the stereotypical stoner... but maybe that has something to do with it.
Also, related but separate question: have you guys ever been in a relationship where when you're WITH the person you're totally infatuated but when you're apart you don't feel super strongly and they maybe even get on your nerves? That's kind of how this feels- when I'm with him all is right, but then when we're just texting and I'm thinking about stuff I'm not as crazy about him. Shold I blame pheromones, physical chemistry? I'm not sure...
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Also, related but separate question: have you guys ever been in a relationship where when you're WITH the person you're totally infatuated but when you're apart you don't feel super strongly and they maybe even get on your nerves? That's kind of how this feels- when I'm with him all is right, but then when we're just texting and I'm thinking about stuff I'm not as crazy about him. Shold I blame pheromones, physical chemistry? I'm not sure...
Absolutely. I feel like it becomes that way when you're not sure what to do with someone. I'm going to go out on a limb here and take a different approach. Since he has been flaky and inconsistent with his actions, I think that when he's good it seems like it's amazing, but your subconscious is comparing it to his mistakes so it's really not as good as it seems. A good analogy would be the weather. You can get a few days in a row of 0 degree weather and then one day there's a "heat wave" and it's 40 degrees. Now it's still pretty cold, but it feels good compared to how the weather has been.
So, the question is, are you really enjoying the time with him often enough for it to be a good sign? And is it really truly strong chemistry or are you just happy that he's not flaking out on you?
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Also, related but separate question: have you guys ever been in a relationship where when you're WITH the person you're totally infatuated but when you're apart you don't feel super strongly and they maybe even get on your nerves? That's kind of how this feels- when I'm with him all is right, but then when we're just texting and I'm thinking about stuff I'm not as crazy about him. Shold I blame pheromones, physical chemistry? I'm not sure...
Well is it because when you are with him you are also enjoying the green goods? :lol
Got to be honest, sounds like a lazy stoner based on what you wrote. I know these types pretty well.... my brother and all his friends. Except they are too lazy to even try to find a girl. I enjoy the goods as well, but I can never live my life like that, just sitting on the couch all day and have no drive to do anything. When you brought up how he has the plants and is too busy sometimes that is immediately what I thought, "he might be too high to talk, not busy" but I didn't want to judge someone like that (well now I am given that little bit of info you shared). I can't imagine working from home and not being able to pick up a phone, like who is telling you that you can't have a convo while tending the plants? I've seen enough stoners in my life who just stare away straight and have no idea what's going on around them. Including a ringing phone. I know I am being harsh on stoners here, but it bothers me because it puts a bad rep on responsible users like myself.
Have I ever liked someone when with them but not felt the same away? Of course, I think that is a sign of a physical attraction and not much else. Clearly you've got some issues with him and you've talked about it before. Maybe it's time to just walk away from this. I'd imagine it's not worth the frustration, unless the sex is that good.
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Long story but again I'm a little annoyed with the one guy for the continual message that he feels I should come to his place all the time. A friend of mine asked about substance use and basically said he sounds like all of his pothead friends who want to get laid but don't have the drive to get off their asses and want girls to come to them. He does smoke a good amount but I never thought of him as the stereotypical stoner... but maybe that has something to do with it.
Not at all suggesting you have to be like me, but I know for me, in relationships, I will do basically anything, up and until I feel taken advantage of, and then it's like a light switch: OFF, and I'm done. That guy would have crossed that line a long time ago.
Also, related but separate question: have you guys ever been in a relationship where when you're WITH the person you're totally infatuated but when you're apart you don't feel super strongly and they maybe even get on your nerves? That's kind of how this feels- when I'm with him all is right, but then when we're just texting and I'm thinking about stuff I'm not as crazy about him. Shold I blame pheromones, physical chemistry? I'm not sure...
This is a great question, and at first I felt like "no", but now that I think about it, there was a girl I worked with (we were in different offices, two states apart) that I started to see, and man, was she sexy. When we were together, it was like she was a different person: warm, open, adventurous. She was really pretty and it felt like (sexually) there was just a whole untapped - no pun intended - reservoir there. This was before texting (hang on, let me get my walker) so we were limited to email and talking on the phone, and the emails were great: sexy, inviting, etc. but it seemed like the phone calls were really... I don't know... desperate? I felt trapped from 3 hours away, even though when we were together it was excellent. I finally ended it, because we were so far apart that the "apart time" (read: not fun) very much out-weighed the "together time" (read: fun). It was a shame, because to this day I still once in a while think about her... but no regrats (really? None? Not one letter?).
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Hmm, interesting and I can relate.
In response to some of the things said in the last few posts:
John, I like your weather analogy. That makes sense and maybe is part of it but I also feel like it's this physical attraction that only happens when we're together.
Cram- I have never seen this guy so super stoned that he's too high to hear a phone ring. I do think he is a fairly responsible user, and again not your stereotypical stoner type in many ways (but you may have a different definiton of that, so I'm curious). He's very functional, works full time and also tends the plants with his roommates, etc. Just kind of a homebody, but not necessarily in the "I only want to stay here and get stoned" sort of way. Like, his mom was in town recently for a few days and they went out to see Star Wars and that was pretty much all they did, so I think it's just how it is in his family.
In regards to the plant thing: He was super busy for two days working on them, but it's not that he was too busy to text, we just couldn't hang out on those days. He responded to me, just a bit more slowly than usual because he was in the thick of it.
And no, I'm not partaking with him because it's not usually my thing :lol
The sex is fine. Not great. Tbh it feels a bit formulaic and he is way more vanilla than I am. He's great at pulling hair, though. And cuddling.
Stadler, I know what you mean about being taken advantage of. I do feel that way at times, but not that he's doing anything egregious. I really do enjoy hanging with and talking to him and we have a lot in common and stuff, so it's hard to figure out if I feel it's balanced. I obviously don't have a ton invested in him and I don't feel super attached, so sometimes I feel like I am willing to overlook crap because of that.
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Hmm, interesting and I can relate.
In response to some of the things said in the last few posts:
John, I like your weather analogy. That makes sense and maybe is part of it but I also feel like it's this physical attraction that only happens when we're together.
Then I suppose the future of this relationship is pending on how serious you want it to be with this guy. If it's purely for releasing the poison then have fun with it, but if you want something more fruitful, I don't think this is the kind of guy for you. Just my opinion based on his actions.
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Well that was me just making assumptions based on some of the stoners I know that fit the descriptions you were giving (pretty much the stereotype) for which I apologize. I get what you mean by not being attached and therefore not caring about many things, like the little annoyances. Do you have any plans with him this weekend or any of the others you are currently seeing?
Here is my biggest problem with Brooklyn girl and it's surprisingly not the kissing. It's that she does not make the effort, she does not show me any signs of any interest other than the fact that she agrees with me when I ask to hang out or something. She doesn't make the move when we kiss, she didn't respond when I humped her leg :lol either negatively or positively, ya know that was my sign of hey let's do something more than bad kissing. And besides the "I miss ya" text last weekend, there has been no sign of any real interest. I can't tell if she just would rather be friends and not even kiss. When I asked her if she wanted to hang out this weekend, I offered Friday night and she says "well let me know" .... I just did. I didn't respond for awhile after that text (back on Monday or Tuesday) and then she finally got back and said yea lets do Friday and I can come there. So yesterday I just purposely did not text her, I want her to show some interest. She finally texted me in the evening and we discussed plans for today and I ended it with "you decide what we are doing, when you come to me I have made the plans for what we do because it is in my area, I do not know Brooklyn so you decide what we do" to which I got an angry face in return >:(. I'm very close to just canceling tonight now, I kind of want to go because chilling in Brooklyn is different, but if she doesn't have any plan to offer (and the plan can be as simple as let's get take out and chill on the couch...just SOMETHING) I think I am just going to go home after work and maybe something like last weekend will happen where I have way more fun doing my thing without the date. I have no problem putting effort in, but I do have a problem feeling like I am the only one putting effort in (Jackie knows how this feels). Funny fact, she is also a stoner.
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That could just be her personality. She seems very timid so pushing her might make her retract into her shell even further. Or maybe she likes a man to take the wheel. Where in Brooklyn does she live? I can probably recommend some places for you.
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That could just be her personality. She seems very timid so pushing her might make her retract into her shell even further. Or maybe she likes a man to take the wheel. Where in Brooklyn does she live? I can probably recommend some places for you.
Maybe that is totally true, but then she just isn't for me then. I have no problem with the man taking control, but just like the kissing, she shows NOTHING in response. I don't really want to take the 45 minute drive there and then hour and a half home if she can't even say "let's just stay in and chill" which I 100% believe that is what she wants to do and I would be OK with that, but she needs to say it, she needs to show something. This would end up being like our 5th date, by this time I should know a lot more about what she is interested in, but instead I am left with an angry face because I asked her to make a decision. I did respond to her angry face with a smiley face, but that is where our conversation was left last night. I'll wait until ~4pm before I make a decision if she hasn't yet made one.
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If she's not for you, then so be it. Don't drag it out longer than it has to be. Maybe you can just remain friends.
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If she's not for you, then so be it. Don't drag it out longer than it has to be. Maybe you can just remain friends.
Well that is what I am trying to figure out, she has always been fun when we are together but I have organized and planned and put everything together. I have made the moves, I have told her how I feel... I've gotten nothing back. This week has been her opportunity to show me something. She hasn't done it yet. Hence why I am internally putting a deadline on this. I feel like I am becoming a grumpy single man now, every girl I talk or see to just makes me mad now. I guess that is just built up dating frustrations.
To add to my frustrations, this week I've been talking to a couple other girls on okcupid. One of which we had some great conversations, very intellectual and not typical for what I have seen. I think it's because she is older, 37. Very mature and I like that a lot. However, she said she wanted to have a phone conversation and she said Thursday night. So last night I text her if she is available to talk (we had been texting back and worth just before I asked to call)... no response for an hour and half and then an excuse and "can we just talk tomorrow night?" I'm just so frustrated.
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I hope we're all friends here and can speak our mind. I get that we shouldn't be with someone who WE don't like, and believe me, I know exactly what it's like to be with a woman who is the whole nine yards - pretty, smart, fun, GGG - but there's just... nothing. I get it. (And I know the opposite: average looking, etc. etc. but when you're around her you just POP). Having said all that...
To be honest, Cram, something doesn't sound right. She IS showing interest, just not the way you want her to. Is she shy? Does she have a long "history"? Maybe she's just scared, and trying to see if she can trust you or not. I don't know, I can't put my finger on it.
I'm not suggesting date someone you don't like (in that way, Prog Snob is right on) but maybe it might take a little effort to get to the jewel in the oyster?
EDIT: That there is not a metaphor for anything.
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If she's not for you, then so be it. Don't drag it out longer than it has to be. Maybe you can just remain friends.
Well that is what I am trying to figure out, she has always been fun when we are together but I have organized and planned and put everything together. I have made the moves, I have told her how I feel... I've gotten nothing back. This week has been her opportunity to show me something. She hasn't done it yet. Hence why I am internally putting a deadline on this. I feel like I am becoming a grumpy single man now, every girl I talk or see to just makes me mad now. I guess that is just built up dating frustrations.
To add to my frustrations, this week I've been talking to a couple other girls on okcupid. One of which we had some great conversations, very intellectual and not typical for what I have seen. I think it's because she is older, 37. Very mature and I like that a lot. However, she said she wanted to have a phone conversation and she said Thursday night. So last night I text her if she is available to talk (we had been texting back and worth just before I asked to call)... no response for an hour and half and then an excuse and "can we just talk tomorrow night?" I'm just so frustrated.
37? Then I've probably seen her profile.
Don't get frustrated over the trivial things, like someone taking too long to respond. You never know what she's dealing with on the other end. As a stranger to her, she certainly isn't going to tell you if she's dealing with personal issues. See what happens with that one. Maybe she was legitimately distracted by something important.
Stop being grumpy. :lol I sense it in the way you're writing. I get discouraged, too, because it seems like it's hopeless. But don't make emotional choices.
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Please do speak your mind even if you say "cram, stop being an asshole" I totally get it and actually do want to hear it. I actually know for a fact I have been an asshole this week, I've been very grumpy and things seem to be getting to me that shouldn't and I'd rather someone tell me how they see it, than sugercoat it and make me feel like everything is fine when they think it isn't or I know it isn't.
I actually have put effort into this though, maybe it does not come out that way because you all know I've met and dated other girls and I've said this one girl has a kissing problem. Having said that, I still put a lot more effort into this than I should have and it's a reason why I am kind of backing off and waiting to see if she puts ANY effort into it. I know right now I am playing this like the asshole, I put it all on her and am waiting for her to put the effort in, which is definitely wrong in a way. But for me, I need something from her, I need to know she cares. A saturday midnight text of "i miss ya" just isn't cutting it for me. That was literally the only sign (other than not rejecting my kisses or my attempts to hang out) that she actually put out there of her own effort. At 5 dates and a month of chit chatting, if she has any chance of wanting me to be interested in her then I need to know it. I've told her twice already that I don't feel like she is interested. She knows where I stand.
I've got other people asking to make plans tonight. I've told them after 4pm I'll know. That's a deadline I made up and did not tell her, it's a dick move, but I am not waiting around for her just to say "whatever you want" NO I want to know what you want. I want feedback from her, positive/negative I don't care, show some emotion! And I won't lie, the angry face she sent last night really pissed me off, but as I said, I'm easy to piss off this week.
Prog, I just got annoyed with that last night. I'm still chatting with her, she seems very nice. But once again, it's just the mood I am in this week as to why it bothered me so much last night.
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Please do speak your mind even if you say "cram, stop being an asshole" I totally get it and actually do want to hear it. I actually know for a fact I have been an asshole this week, I've been very grumpy and things seem to be getting to me that shouldn't and I'd rather someone tell me how they see it, than sugercoat it and make me feel like everything is fine when they think it isn't or I know it isn't.
I actually have put effort into this though, maybe it does not come out that way because you all know I've met and dated other girls and I've said this one girl has a kissing problem. Having said that, I still put a lot more effort into this than I should have and it's a reason why I am kind of backing off and waiting to see if she puts ANY effort into it. I know right now I am playing this like the asshole, I put it all on her and am waiting for her to put the effort in, which is definitely wrong in a way. But for me, I need something from her, I need to know she cares. A saturday midnight text of "i miss ya" just isn't cutting it for me. That was literally the only sign (other than not rejecting my kisses or my attempts to hang out) that she actually put out there of her own effort. At 5 dates and a month of chit chatting, if she has any chance of wanting me to be interested in her then I need to know it. I've told her twice already that I don't feel like she is interested. She knows where I stand.
I've got other people asking to make plans tonight. I've told them after 4pm I'll know. That's a deadline I made up and did not tell her, it's a dick move, but I am not waiting around for her just to say "whatever you want" NO I want to know what you want. I want feedback from her, positive/negative I don't care, show some emotion! And I won't lie, the angry face she sent last night really pissed me off, but as I said, I'm easy to piss off this week.
Prog, I just got annoyed with that last night. I'm still chatting with her, she seems very nice. But once again, it's just the mood I am in this week as to why it bothered me so much last night.
Question for you...
If you removed the part about her where she seems indecisive about making plans, what else bothers you? You mentioned the kissing, right? Is there anything else?
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Kissing, the indecisiveness and the whole "no feedback" at all, maybe that is part of the indecisiveness. She also seems a bit bitchy. She hasn't been bitchy to me, but the way she talks to me about her friends makes me think she may not have many. And then she just lives too far away for anything serious to ever form. I'd put the effort and try if I felt it was worth it, but I keep feeling it's not worth it because she hasn't done anything to make me feel like it's worth it.
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Kissing, the indecisiveness and the whole "no feedback" at all, maybe that is part of the indecisiveness. She also seems a bit bitchy. She hasn't been bitchy to me, but the way she talks to me about her friends makes me think she may not have many. And then she just lives too far away for anything serious to ever form. I'd put the effort and try if I felt it was worth it, but I keep feeling it's not worth it because she hasn't done anything to make me feel like it's worth it.
If it were me, I would have broke it off already. Talking about her friends to you, someone she barely knows, like that. What is she saying about you to her friends? She seems cynical and pessimistic. The more you tell me about her, the more it seems like a no-brainer.
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I've never met a poor oyster... I mean, look at how much you have to pay to get a decent serving. And don't even start on the cost of the pearls.
@cram; if she's knows where you stand maybe the midnight text is her way of showing you she cares. Perhaps, as Stadler alluded to, she's carrying the baggage of a few previous poor relationship choices and she's a little gun-shy. Maybe she likes the way you take charge of the plans between you and is agreeable to anything you want to do... as long as you're doing it together. Maybe she's having problems articulating that to you.
Or maybe she's using you for the free meals? :biggrin:
I've always thought that direct, honest communication about what a person is feeling is the way to go; sounds like you've given her that communication and she's not really reciprocating... maybe you should make those other plans and let her get back to you this time. But don't let the fact that you've had a bad week (it happens to all of us man) shade how you respond to her responses.
The kissing thing would throw me off too... I don't think you're being an a$$hole about that (or anything else honestly).
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When she told me she doesn't like to kiss with tongue, I should have just known that was a deal breaker. I feel like I am letting my guard down with these girls. The cancelling girl, the AC girl, this girl.... all in one week and they are all making me so angry. All I've been is nice to every one of them and did the things I do to make them know I am interested, but my niceness has been abused before (I think the AC girl was abusing my niceness, and honestly maybe Brooklyn girl is too and then canceling girl just played me for a fool).
VT, 100% right that I shouldn't let my other things bothering me affect this. I think my feelings remain the same, but my reaction is what is being affected.
I just don't feel like driving out to Brooklyn, paying the ridiculous tolls, likely paying for our meal that I have to figure out, and then drive the hour and a half home for someone who won't even slip me the tongue after 5 dates :lol
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Who's the girl you're going to Epica with? Wasn't it Brooklyn girl?
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Who's the girl your going to Epica with? Wasn't it Brooklyn girl?
Nope, that was the girl I was dating this past fall and ended it with a month ago, but we decided to stay friends. Still talk to her, still think she is a great girl and we are still going to Epica next week, as friends.
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That's good that you're remaining friends with her.
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That's good that you're remaining friends with her.
Yea, I'm really happy about that because I always thought she was a really awesome person, just came to the realization she wasn't going to be my girlfriend due to many other issues so we decided to remain friends. I had never been able to do that before, but we still chat every few days.
Edit to add:
I ended it with Brooklyn girl. She finally texted asking if we were hanging out. Told her exactly how I felt and ended it. Only now does she say the things I was waiting to hear. It honestly sounds EXACTLY like my ex and making me feel like I made the correct decision. She also said she was hoping I would sleep over LOL why didn't she ask me to then? I was wondering why she didn't offer that knowing I was going to have to drive all the way home, I didn't bring anything with me to spend the night obviously, but her asking that say yesterday or on Tuesday when we first made the plans would have added a lot more reason for me to think she does have interest and does care. Too little too late in my book. I feel bad if that is how she truly feels, but her response to the ending made me feel like it was the correct thing to do as well as all of the other reasons already mentioned.
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Oh man, I definitely think you made the right choice. Gawd you sound so much like me, especially with.. let's call him Plant Man? Lol.. not sure why he doesn't have a nickname yet. That would have driven me crazy, not getting any feedback. You made it clear to her that you wanted her to make the plans, which was totally reasonable, and she couldn't even make that work. Maybe it's the stoner thing, who knows. But that combined with the kissing and the lack of showing interest spells lots of trouble. I'm sorry you're feeling grumpy and disheartened- I don't blame you and I've been there (remember when I had those three OKC strikes that all started out promisingly in a short time? Oy vey).
So, here's my update. I finally decided to let plant guy know how I felt last night, because I realized I was still upset two days later and was tired of holding it in. We hadn't talked in 24hrs when I sent this:
(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v296/erotomaniac/Mobile%20Uploads/Screenshot_2016-01-15-08-24-31-1_zps3k9eyak2.png)
And after that I said something about it being a rough week and that maybe I was feeling a bit more sensitive but that was where I was at. He said he was sorry it's been a rough week, and that was all of our communication yesterday, period.
So late morning today I figured I would try to break the ice and make him laugh. I sent him this because it popped up on my FB, and because I like to tease him about his sports love:
(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v296/erotomaniac/Mobile%20Uploads/FB_IMG_1452784558312_zps2tthkq8j.jpg)
But instead of the lighthearted response I was expecting, I immediately felt him on the defensive. He basically just started defending sports to me. So I sort of lightly debated the points he was making and thought we were just having a harmless back and forth.. long story, but this basically ended in him calling me a sheep because I voted for Obama (wtf, I know). When I called him out on being defensive, he tried to play it off like it was because of my texts from this morning, and said I could "read into things all I wanted" but he felt like I was attacking him with the sports stuff. It was super weird and irrational IMO, and it was pretty clear to me that he was still upset by my text from last night. I finally got him to admit that, sort of, by saying "Well I didn't go to bed smiling."
It felt very much to me like he was looking for some sort of apology or take-back. But I'm fucking done apologizing to people for having feelings. I think I said what I had to say in a mature, adult way, and he ended up having a delayed reaction that was pretty childish. I told him I wasn't sure what to say at this point but hoped he was having a good day, and we exchanged a couple more bare bones texts but that was it. Honestly, if we're done because I fucking told him how I felt, he can kiss my ass. The fact that he got so defensive about it says to me that he knows it's true and he's feeling like an asshole, but what do I know? I'm just peeved and tired of this shit.
I do have two pieces of good news!
1. I had a date with heavy metal yoga guy tonight and it was really nice! Sort of low energy as we both had shite weeks/days and have been feeling down, but we spent hours having really great conversation, ate a good meal, looked at some art, and cuddled.
2. At the art show, I ran into my ex (video store guy, the one who I broke things off with and then later tried to spark a friendship with but sorta got guilt-tripped so I backed off). I knew he'd probably be there because it was one of his best friends' shows so I almost chickened out, but I knew we would have to cross paths eventually so I braved it and it ended up going surprisingly well. We had a brief but good conversation- he basically vented to me about all his recent life drama and grief over David Bowie (so typical him :lol), and the energy was good. It didn't feel forced, though eventually I needed to get out of there. We hugged and he said I should stop in the store sometime. So that's good news. I do want to be friends with him and maybe we're both finally ready. I'm over the drama and hopefully he is too.
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Time heals all wounds. Seems like some time and distance from your ex has allowed you two to be able to have a nice exchange.
As for plantman, seems ridiculous to me. I know what it is like to get a negative text (you calling him out on the sleep is a negative towards him) and then instead of accepting it, take it further than necessary. I've done that a lot with my ex sadly to admit. I didn't realize I was doing it at the time, only now I can look back and realize the divisive things I did in that relationship. It's a refocus of the issue... as to how it turned around into your vote for Obama is proof of that. He redirected and took a shot at you. Seems like a lot of signs are there that this is not working for you. That's great you had a good time with metalyogaman!
Since I came home after work I had some time and ended up having two separate phone conversations with new girls from okcupid. I feel like no one ever wants to talk on the phone anymore, but it was really nice to have these conversations. The older lady (37) kept complimenting me because I was able to write proficiently lol I feel bad for the human race if this is what we have come down to. "You write in proper English, therefore you are now attractive" LOL She seems very nice though, we shall see what happens. I went out with my friend later in the evening and had our typical fun night out so I am officially over Brooklyn girl. I do feel really bad though, I just can't help myself from feeling bad when I end things.
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From the last few posts, it's painstakingly obvious that the dating pool has turned into a sea of mediocrity.
So, some 25 year old responded and said she's looking to make something happen but she goes back home in March when her contract is up. I suppose I could just enjoy it while it lasts instead of passing up the chance to do something.
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From the last few posts, it's painstakingly obvious that the dating pool has turned into a sea of mediocrity.
So, some 25 year old responded and said she's looking to make something happen but she goes back home in March when her contract is up. I suppose I could just enjoy it while it lasts instead of passing up the chance to do something.
Might as well enjoy yourself, and I feel the same about the dating pool after what I was told last night. I mean she was nice and complimenting me, but geeze have we as a human race gone to such a new low where that makes you stand out.
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I empathize with her. I've read some profiles that seem like they were written by nine year olds. It's nice to be able to talk to someone that can communicate well.
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I empathize with her. I've read some profiles that seem like they were written by nine year olds. It's nice to be able to talk to someone that can communicate well.
That's actually what sparked the conversation. The other girl,our conversation sparked because she put in her profile she is not "netflix and chill" :lol My friend and I always make fun of this, like is your life that boring that you have to put "netflix" in your profile. List 6 things you cant live without....netflix. Seriously? It's practically in every girls profile somewhere. I didn't expect this girl to respond since she is pretty (those are the types that ignore my messages :lol) but I sent her a little rant about "netflix and chill" and we ended up having a great conversation and she lives very close to me and had a very similar experience (9 year relationship that failed).
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:lolpalm:, people actually put Netflix in their profiles?! I'm not sure I've ever seen that. And yeah, it is sad that typing proper English is such an unusual quality that people are looking for it, but whatever.
Sounds like you have some promising options, cram. And John, sounds like it's up to you to decide if you're willing to deal with something that short.. or something that could turn long distance.
But yeah, I'm just sort of gonna leave the plant man thing alone. If I reallllly feel I have to say something else to him I will, but at this point it's gonna be on him. I am tired of doing that dance where I piss somebody off by just being true to myself, and then bend over backwards to make sure they're not too upset, or whatever. He's a grown ass 30 year old man. He should be able to deal with this. Thanks for sharing your own experience with that, cram. We all do shit like that. I sure have, which is why I recognized it.
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I saw that profile, with the "not Netflix and chill." I can't remember if I messaged her though. I'd say more often than not, someone has Netflix listed in their profile.
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(https://images.sunfrogshirts.com/NIGHT%27S%20WATCH%20New.jpg)
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What does that mean? :lol
Haven't heard from plant dude at all since yesterday. Invited the lady over but she's busy, so I'm about to make a liquor store run, then watch a movie while cuddling with the cats. Saturday night, bitches.
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What does that mean? :lol
Haven't heard from plant dude at all since yesterday. Invited the lady over but she's busy, so I'm about to make a liquor store run, then watch a movie while cuddling with the cats. Saturday night, bitches.
It's a Game of Thrones reference. Cram will get it when he shows up. :lol
Your Saturday night is no different from mine. I'm finally sitting down to watch Battle of the Five Armies Extended Edition and just finished some frozen pizzas.
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What does that mean? :lol
Haven't heard from plant dude at all since yesterday. Invited the lady over but she's busy, so I'm about to make a liquor store run, then watch a movie while cuddling with the cats. Saturday night, bitches.
It's a Game of Thrones reference. Cram will get it when he shows up. :lol
Your Saturday night is no different from mine. I'm finally sitting down to watch Battle of the Five Armies Extended Edition and just finished some frozen pizzas.
:lol I just got home. Such a disappointing evening. Not because of the girls, because of my guys. My friend ditched us to be with a girl, another friend said he "ate too much" :lol and couldn't come out and then my other friend said "I'm too drunk to leave" so I ended up just chilling with my one married friend at a local bar which was a lot of fun,but I'm home and it's early.
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Ate too much?! That's an absurd excuse.
I saw my ex/video store guy again tonight because I had to return my movies. We had a good conversation and a smoke and it was cool, so I texted him later saying it was good to talk to him and thanks, basically. I never heard back and it's been hours so now of course I'm overanalyzing and wondering if I upset him in some way, but whatever.
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Cram, it sounds like your friend who "ate too much" also ate his balls, because he obviously doesn't have any. :lol
Don't overanalyze it J. For all you know, he could be doing the very same thing. I doubt you did anything wrong. It's awkward having run-ins like that with an ex. Don't put too much thought into it. It'll pass.
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Cram, it sounds like your friend who "ate too much" also ate his balls, because he obviously doesn't have any. :lol
Don't overanalyze it J. For all you know, he could be doing the very same thing. I doubt you did anything wrong. It's awkward having run-ins like that with an ex. Don't put too much thought into it. It'll pass.
Agreed to both points.
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Yeah, I knew I was probably over thinking it since that's what I do :lol
His work shift goes til midnight so he was probably just busy because he texted me back about quarter after saying it was sweet of me to say that and then we talked movies a bit. So it's all good.
This afternoon I'm meeting up with a friend who just got dumped, poor guy :(
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Seeeee... ;)
A woman I messaged a month ago responded to me last night. We had a really short conversation so I don't know what to make of it but we'll see. Here's where I start thinking too much. She was about to watch a movie last night so I sent the last message. She didn't respond to it, but I thought it would be nice if I just sent her a good morning/afternoon message. Do you think that's pushing it or should I just wait for her to respond. I figured it's harmless to just say hi. Maybe it slipped her mind that I responded back last night.
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I've been texting and spending time with someone recently. We've known each other for years, but there's a reason for that. She is a good friends (and former band mates) ex-girlfriend. I'm not entirely sure how to go about this situation. I feel like I need to call my friend and let him know that I've been spending time with his ex (they broke up a year and a half ago, so I don't think it's a rebound thing).
DTF LHC, what would you do?
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If he's still a friend, especially a good friend, you for sure have to talk to him about it. How he feels about it, and how you feel about her and your friendship with him, will determine what happens. Maybe he won't care. Maybe he will. And even if he does, he might still be okay with it if he values your friendship too. That's just the way this shit goes. Obviously it's on your mind, so that's a good thing. If you're thinking about it, you're less likely to receive your buddy.
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This is why it's good to have no friends.
(https://s14.postimg.org/kqdk3pbvl/get4yyh.gif)
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I've been texting and spending time with someone recently. We've known each other for years, but there's a reason for that. She is a good friends (and former band mates) ex-girlfriend. I'm not entirely sure how to go about this situation. I feel like I need to call my friend and let him know that I've been spending time with his ex (they broke up a year and a half ago, so I don't think it's a rebound thing).
DTF LHC, what would you do?
If he's a good friend then I would say something. You don't know how he might feel about it. Never let a woman come between a friendship.
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Yeah, definitely say something before he finds out from her or somebody else. They've been broken up a long time so that's good, but people react differently to that sort of thing. When I was about 18 a friend lost her shit on me because she found out I was hanging out with her ex. We weren't even dating or anything, we had been friends for a long time. She's a psycho so that probably won't happen to you, but you never know- he could still be into her or something. Even if he's not, that would be a shitty thing to find out way down the road, if you guys are at all close.
Curious about what you guys think of my friend's situation. His gf of eight months just broke up with him. They hadn't had sex in four months. Apparently she has a history of trauma and has been seeking therapy and told him she wanted to work on her shit alone. BUT there was an ex of hers that recently came back into the picture out of the blue. Also, after breaking up with him she told him she loved him, a couple of times.
IMO, she is stringing him along because she wants him to wait for her... either until she gets her trauma stuff straightened out OR until she finds out whether she can rekindle things with the ex. I don't necessarily think people do these things on purpose- I totally strung a guy along in college because I DID still love him, but should've just cut the cord, looking back. I wasn't trying to mess with his head, but I was confused and I didn't want to lose him completely even though it wasn't working for me.
Anyway, I think it's really unfair to tell somebody basically "I love you, but..." It leaves the other person hanging and doesn't allow them to really grieve the relationship/move on because they're holding onto this hope like "Well, this person still loves me so maybe they'll come back."
I feel bad for my friend :(
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Yikes. I'd stay away from that. I mean, they haven't had sex in four months. That says enough without knowing about trauma (unless the trauma is the reason for no sex) and ex being in the picture. Your friend probably has some strong feelings, but those feelings seem most likely to get hurt further at this point. Best to move on IMO.
Prog, I wouldn't rush things with messaging if you are really interested in the girl, it took her a month to respond to your first message. I'd give it some time for her to respond again.
Carl, you have to tell the truth to your friend. Let him know how you and the girl feel for each other so as a friend he should hopefully be able to support it going further, if not, well then I don't know.
I just had phone sex :hat (I don't think I've ever done that before, well since no one talks on the phone anymore)
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:clap:
I have had phone sex quite a few times but was never really into it. I like being talked to in a sexy way, but I don't like being the one doing the talking. I always feel really silly.
I recently found a funny journal entry from college where I was having phone sex with some guy who hung up on me because I started laughing :lol
And yeah, I told my friend he should move on, and all of the other things I mentioned to you guys, about what I think she's doing. I hope he doesn't sit around waiting for her!
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Prog, I wouldn't rush things with messaging if you are really interested in the girl, it took her a month to respond to your first message. I'd give it some time for her to respond again.
I just had phone sex :hat (I don't think I've ever done that before, well since no one talks on the phone anymore)
Oops..too late. I already messaged her. It was just a "good afternoon, how are you? How was the movie last night" That's it.
As far as the phone sex, I've done that a multitude of times in the past. I have to say I haven't done it in years. I'm trying to think back to when it was. We're talking at least ten years ago, probably more. It's not that I don't want to. It's just the women I've been with in recent years haven't been into it. I was surprised that Natalie wasn't into it because she was the second most sexually liberal woman I've ever been with. I won't get into the details but phone sex she was never into.
:clap:
I have had phone sex quite a few times but was never really into it. I like being talked to in a sexy way, but I don't like being the one doing the talking. I always feel really silly.
I recently found a funny journal entry from college where I was having phone sex with some guy who hung up on me because I started laughing :lol
And yeah, I told my friend he should move on, and all of the other things I mentioned to you guys, about what I think she's doing. I hope he doesn't sit around waiting for her!
I think he should definitely move on. That's the best advice you can give him. Unless he really does care about this girl and thinks she is worth the wait, of course.
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I really like it when a woman tells me to play out her rape fantasies with her during phone sex.
"ALRIGHT NOW I'M GRABBING YOUR HANDS KIND OF HARD BUT NOT HARD ENOUGH TO HURT YOU TOO MUCH BUT JUST ENOUGH TO RELEASE THOSE JUICY ENDORPHINS! NOW YOU'RE STRUGGLING AND I AM FORCED TO SPANK YOUR ASS TO STOP YOU FROM MOVING. NO U. SILENCE! NOW I'M PULLING YOUR HAIR AND USING THOSE FUZZY HANDCUFFS WE GOT FROM JEFF AND CHARLEEN FOR DIRTY CHRISTMAS TO ENSLAVE YOU TO OUR BED!"
Phone sex always gives me a really floppy noodle dick. I don't think I've tried it since highschool and like Jackie, it usually just makes me laugh. Even the couple times I moved past sounding like a complete dumbfuck and been srssexybznsstime it's just made me feel juvenile. Just nothankyakindly. It's either the real deal or I'm just gonna go ahead and masturbate to moving pictures of people actually doing it.
*GASP* Oh fuck, guys. I just...I just had a horrible thought. I mean truly vile and horrendous... what if.... WHAT IF THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO MASTURBATE TO VIDEOS OF PEOPLE HAVING PHONE SEX. *frantic crying in the fetal position* That thought...is worse than finding out scat kinks were a real thing.
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Oh man, I definitely think you made the right choice. Gawd you sound so much like me, especially with.. let's call him Plant Man? Lol.. not sure why he doesn't have a nickname yet. That would have driven me crazy, not getting any feedback. You made it clear to her that you wanted her to make the plans, which was totally reasonable, and she couldn't even make that work. Maybe it's the stoner thing, who knows. But that combined with the kissing and the lack of showing interest spells lots of trouble. I'm sorry you're feeling grumpy and disheartened- I don't blame you and I've been there (remember when I had those three OKC strikes that all started out promisingly in a short time? Oy vey).
So, here's my update. I finally decided to let plant guy know how I felt last night, because I realized I was still upset two days later and was tired of holding it in. We hadn't talked in 24hrs when I sent this:
(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v296/erotomaniac/Mobile%20Uploads/Screenshot_2016-01-15-08-24-31-1_zps3k9eyak2.png)
And after that I said something about it being a rough week and that maybe I was feeling a bit more sensitive but that was where I was at. He said he was sorry it's been a rough week, and that was all of our communication yesterday, period.
So late morning today I figured I would try to break the ice and make him laugh. I sent him this because it popped up on my FB, and because I like to tease him about his sports love:
(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v296/erotomaniac/Mobile%20Uploads/FB_IMG_1452784558312_zps2tthkq8j.jpg)
But instead of the lighthearted response I was expecting, I immediately felt him on the defensive. He basically just started defending sports to me. So I sort of lightly debated the points he was making and thought we were just having a harmless back and forth.. long story, but this basically ended in him calling me a sheep because I voted for Obama (wtf, I know). When I called him out on being defensive, he tried to play it off like it was because of my texts from this morning, and said I could "read into things all I wanted" but he felt like I was attacking him with the sports stuff. It was super weird and irrational IMO, and it was pretty clear to me that he was still upset by my text from last night. I finally got him to admit that, sort of, by saying "Well I didn't go to bed smiling."
It felt very much to me like he was looking for some sort of apology or take-back. But I'm fucking done apologizing to people for having feelings. I think I said what I had to say in a mature, adult way, and he ended up having a delayed reaction that was pretty childish. I told him I wasn't sure what to say at this point but hoped he was having a good day, and we exchanged a couple more bare bones texts but that was it. Honestly, if we're done because I fucking told him how I felt, he can kiss my ass. The fact that he got so defensive about it says to me that he knows it's true and he's feeling like an asshole, but what do I know? I'm just peeved and tired of this shit.
I do have two pieces of good news!
1. I had a date with heavy metal yoga guy tonight and it was really nice! Sort of low energy as we both had shite weeks/days and have been feeling down, but we spent hours having really great conversation, ate a good meal, looked at some art, and cuddled.
2. At the art show, I ran into my ex (video store guy, the one who I broke things off with and then later tried to spark a friendship with but sorta got guilt-tripped so I backed off). I knew he'd probably be there because it was one of his best friends' shows so I almost chickened out, but I knew we would have to cross paths eventually so I braved it and it ended up going surprisingly well. We had a brief but good conversation- he basically vented to me about all his recent life drama and grief over David Bowie (so typical him :lol), and the energy was good. It didn't feel forced, though eventually I needed to get out of there. We hugged and he said I should stop in the store sometime. So that's good news. I do want to be friends with him and maybe we're both finally ready. I'm over the drama and hopefully he is too.
You voted for Obama??
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^^^ That was just a joke. Seriously. (Along the lines of... "that whole post, and THAT'S what you took from it?")
But something dawned on me, and I realize I am going to sound like a VERY old man here, but it's not inconsistent with what I wrote to Cram, so I'll give it a try.
I don't know that the "dating pool has turned into a sea of mediocrity". I think the texting and apps and crap has made us able to be way more selective. I've said too many times to count, I get the idea of having the "right" to not be with someone who you don't totally click with, but I also see the wisdom of letting some of this percolate. I don't mean "just get used to" like in the old days, but letting someone/something develop.
John Petrucci didn't just pop out of the womb as a super awesome guitarist. His skill, his passion, his ability to entertain us developed over time, and was honed through a lot of trial and error. People are like that as well. Think of jobs where it took some time to settle in. Some of these people we're talking about, we have no idea where they are coming from. And while there are some cases that are clear cut "not for us" (sorry, Jackie, but "Plant Guy" seems to fall in here), I have to believe that while it looks like "mediocrity", some of us (and no, I'm not digging at you here, Cram, I do mean this generally) may be throwing good catches back a little quickly. Sometimes it takes some time to "find a rhythm".
And for the record, continuing the "old school theme", I kinda like phone sex, with the right person (as Jackie alluded to, it's better when it's not just one person talking and the other... you know.)
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Some of these people we're talking about, we have no idea where they are coming from. And while there are some cases that are clear cut "not for us" (sorry, Jackie, but "Plant Guy" seems to fall in here), I have to believe that while it looks like "mediocrity", some of us (and no, I'm not digging at you here, Cram, I do mean this generally) may be throwing good catches back a little quickly. Sometimes it takes some time to "find a rhythm".
This is how I feel. It seems like some of you guys are too quick to throw somebody away (no offense to anyone). It's fine to have principles when it comes to dealing with someone you've just met, and feeling like they're taking advantage of you or not respecting your time or whatever (PlantGuy is a good example of lack of respect). But Jackie's friend, for instance, has been in a relationship for a decent amount of time, and is obviously invested if he's given her space to figure out her stuff, and not have sex for four months. If he honestly thinks that she is keeping him on the hook until she knows about the ex, then maybe he should tell her to kick rocks. But if she's really trying to get herself straight, not just for herself, but for him too, then why bail? Just because it's tough times?
And for the record, continuing the "old school theme", I kinda like phone sex, with the right person (as Jackie alluded to, it's better when it's not just one person talking and the other... you know.)
This serious womean I've been talking too has realized we're not really right for each other long term (she hates that I smoke weed... and I don't care!), and I totally agree. But she's still been talking to me, and I wanna try and make some sort of play. She's done all this talk about romance, even told me she wished I was around when she had a few drinks. I tried to kinda move the text conversation towards "sexual", but I've never really done that and she wasn't really picking up on it. I'm trying to get her to go out for drinks, but I walso kinda wanna set a certain tone. This is not at all my expertise. Any suggestions?
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Sylvan, i'd throw some more hints to give her the idea of what you are looking for. If she wants to be serious though, I don't see it likely she will just have sex. If she isn't getting the hints, it may be on purpose. If you know there isn't going to be something serious, maybe having an honest conversation about it is the way to go.
As for the phone sex, I actually really enjoyed it. I've never met this girl, but she has a really sexy voice. She knows it too. She kept talking previously about leaving voice mails so I could listen to her voice. She was good at the talking part, I got quiet a few times because I didn't want to say anything... just listen and beat :lol but apparently she really enjoyed the things I did say. She might want to meet up tonight now, for the first time, I almost feel like that could be an odd encounter.
Stadler, good points as usual. The selectiveness and ease of rejection with the technology today has changed the way we all date. I always think about unjustly "dumping" a girl. But there is some deep psychology behind it in my mind, for me. I spent 9 years with a girl and the last 2 of them (the two years after I proposed to her) I knew it was not going to work and could not effectively dump her. My counselor we saw together to see if we could make it work, told me after I let him know why I knew it wouldn't work "you are a pussy, you know what you have to do". Well it took another 6 months after that, but ending the engagement was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Every time I start feeling like things aren't going to go anywhere with a girl, I get the feeling I need to end it now, before I get too attached. It's sad to admit this, but I've ended it with almost every girl I've dated so I definitely know I can pull the trigger quick and I know for a fact some of these woman would make great wives, just not for me. (including my ex). I know you didn't direct that at me, but felt like I wanted to add my perspective.
Dating is also a skill that is honed through trial and error. I do feel like I've gotten better at knowing who and what works with me in the almost year and a half of being single.
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Some of these people we're talking about, we have no idea where they are coming from. And while there are some cases that are clear cut "not for us" (sorry, Jackie, but "Plant Guy" seems to fall in here), I have to believe that while it looks like "mediocrity", some of us (and no, I'm not digging at you here, Cram, I do mean this generally) may be throwing good catches back a little quickly. Sometimes it takes some time to "find a rhythm".
This is how I feel. It seems like some of you guys are too quick to throw somebody away (no offense to anyone). It's fine to have principles when it comes to dealing with someone you've just met, and feeling like they're taking advantage of you or not respecting your time or whatever (PlantGuy is a good example of lack of respect). But Jackie's friend, for instance, has been in a relationship for a decent amount of time, and is obviously invested if he's given her space to figure out her stuff, and not have sex for four months. If he honestly thinks that she is keeping him on the hook until she knows about the ex, then maybe he should tell her to kick rocks. But if she's really trying to get herself straight, not just for herself, but for him too, then why bail? Just because it's tough times?
Actually you're both wrong in my case. I've messaged just about every woman in my area saying hello and a few other words. I'm willing to give anyone a chance because I don't think a profile properly depicts what a person is all about. The percentage of responses I get is lower than 5%, so the obvious problem isn't me. I'm willing to keep an open mind. It's these shallow Staten Island women looking for the Jersey Shore types. Brooklyn and Manhattan women won't touch me because to travel to Staten Island is a huge inconvenience for them. I can't date New Jersey girls because of my license suspension, so I'll have to wait until May to check out the Garden State again. Staten Island seems to be what I'm stuck with and the women just aren't responding.
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That is a shame, John.
Sylvan, I see what you're saying about my friend but it seems shady to me. I really don't think it's fair to leave another person hanging, whether it's because you want to go nail somebody else or because you have legit shit to work out. Cut the cord IMO, and then if sometime down the road it can work out again that's fine, but it's just messed up to me to keep saying you love the person but can't be with them. He's already hurt, and he can't fully heal.
Cram, did your counselor actually call you a pussy?! :lol
Anyway, I know how that is. I've stayed in a few relationships way too long.
But yeah, dating is definitely a skill. I think I've gotten better at it but am nowhere near perfect.
No word from Plant Guy since Friday night (last text was just him saying "I feel ya" when I said I was glad the week was over. I'm a bit anxious over it, but mostly not. I'm thinking it might be over, and this doesn't upset me much. I'm also really glad I changed my mind on selling him my second Opeth beer now :lol
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Some of these people we're talking about, we have no idea where they are coming from. And while there are some cases that are clear cut "not for us" (sorry, Jackie, but "Plant Guy" seems to fall in here), I have to believe that while it looks like "mediocrity", some of us (and no, I'm not digging at you here, Cram, I do mean this generally) may be throwing good catches back a little quickly. Sometimes it takes some time to "find a rhythm".
This is how I feel. It seems like some of you guys are too quick to throw somebody away (no offense to anyone). It's fine to have principles when it comes to dealing with someone you've just met, and feeling like they're taking advantage of you or not respecting your time or whatever (PlantGuy is a good example of lack of respect). But Jackie's friend, for instance, has been in a relationship for a decent amount of time, and is obviously invested if he's given her space to figure out her stuff, and not have sex for four months. If he honestly thinks that she is keeping him on the hook until she knows about the ex, then maybe he should tell her to kick rocks. But if she's really trying to get herself straight, not just for herself, but for him too, then why bail? Just because it's tough times?
Actually you're both wrong in my case. I've messaged just about every woman in my area saying hello and a few other words. I'm willing to give anyone a chance because I don't think a profile properly depicts what a person is all about. The percentage of responses I get is lower than 5%, so the obvious problem isn't me. I'm willing to keep an open mind. It's these shallow Staten Island women looking for the Jersey Shore types. Brooklyn and Manhattan women won't touch me because to travel to Staten Island is a huge inconvenience for them. I can't date New Jersey girls because of my license suspension, so I'll have to wait until May to check out the Garden State again. Staten Island seems to be what I'm stuck with and the women just aren't responding.
We're talking dating, not fixing the brakes on a car, so there is no real science here. Obviously, if you meet a guy who asks you to wear your hair in pigtails and says "Let me get a quick photo of you sucking on this lollipop" on the first date, there's a red flag there. I'm just saying that if you've been burned badly enough it takes more than a cute guy, 20 texts and a halfway decent date to really let your guard down. It's not me, it's not my life, but some of these stories seem like they're pointing in a certain direction (I'd bet a copy of "The Astonishing" that Sylvan's friend's girl isn't suffering from trauma, unless "trauma" is defined as "her ex-boyfriend's cock", and I think "Plant Guy" is pretty wrapped up in his own existence) and 99% of the time, it seems like the "star" of the story is in synch with that. But once in a blue moon it seems pretty cut and dry, and yet the "star" of the story is heading in a different direction (and now I am referring to you, Cram, though I recognize it is none of my business, and you need not explain yourself to me). You may full well not want to invest the time, and you may full well know a lot more about the circumstances than I do, but it just smacks to me of her needing to adjust.
Speaking of "gut instincts", Sylvan's is another example. I can't tell you how many times on Match I met women - usually in their mid- to late 30's, early 40's, that were all "Oh, I'm looking for this, and I don't want to do that, and I'm not interested in that" (the "that" usually meaning something like sex on a first date, or sexting, or phone sex or something like that) and then they promptly do exactly that. I found it to be a mechanism; they know what they WANT, but they know what is, in theory anyway, expected of them. They've been taught that women that have sex on a first date are "easy" and they don't want to think of themselves as "easy" (understandable). So there is that conflict. BY DEFINITION, that can't be resolved easily on one date and 20 texts. If you're interested, you can avail yourself of the opportunity, but the onus is on you to remember that, and do what you can after to make them feel like it wasn't a mistake, and they are not a whore. Or, if you're not interested, hopefully you can be man enough to not take advantage of the situation and further "burn in" the ideas they already have. Sylvan, I think she's wicked attracted to you but somewhere (maybe it's the weed, I don't know) she's rationalizing a compromise she has to make to be with you. Maybe if she sees you and realizes that the weed doesn't make you a lazy stoner interested in nothing but the Dead and your PS3, things might change.
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Why would a guy ask for a picture of me in pigtails sucking a lollipop? :lol
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Why the hell not?! :p
Stadler, the friend with the girlfriend with the trauma was mine, and I mostly agree. She may have legit issues but I don't necessarily think that's why she suddenly broke it off with him since the ex recently came back into the picture.
And yeah, plant guy is definitely very wrapped up in himself and is looking less and less attractive the more time passes. I almost want to tell him off for being that way, but it probably won't have any benefit. I'm just leaving it alone despite the urge to text.
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Why the hell not?! :p
Stadler, the friend with the girlfriend with the trauma was mine, and I mostly agree. She may have legit issues but I don't necessarily think that's why she suddenly broke it off with him since the ex recently came back into the picture.
And yeah, plant guy is definitely very wrapped up in himself and is looking less and less attractive the more time passes. I almost want to tell him off for being that way, but it probably won't have any benefit. I'm just leaving it alone despite the urge to text.
Well maybe for you, I'd do that J. ;)
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Why the hell not?! :p
Stadler, the friend with the girlfriend with the trauma was mine, and I mostly agree. She may have legit issues but I don't necessarily think that's why she suddenly broke it off with him since the ex recently came back into the picture.
And yeah, plant guy is definitely very wrapped up in himself and is looking less and less attractive the more time passes. I almost want to tell him off for being that way, but it probably won't have any benefit. I'm just leaving it alone despite the urge to text.
I'm sorry; my mistake. I wouldn't have piled on with two examples from you if I had realized. Please don't read anything into that. :)
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Girls write a lot of contradictory things in their profiles like Stadler mentioned, but like Prog, I don't take the profiles too seriously, other than judging a few simple things.
As for marijuana since it seems a few of us do it or date people who do it. One of the few things I do take seriously is I don't normally try to talk to girls who answer the question "would you date someone who does drugs?" with a "no" there is an option for "yes, but only marijuana" that is essentially the only question I look at because I know there is no way a relationship will work if one opposes the use and one enjoys the use (unless you want to give it up, which I do not wish to in my near future at least). Or if they don't answer that question.
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Yeah, my answer to that one is "only soft stuff like marijuana." I think I left the drug thing unanswered in my profile though, because it's not something I really want to publicize.
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Yeah, my answer to that one is "only soft stuff like marijuana." I think I left the drug thing unanswered in my profile though, because it's not something I really want to publicize.
Same here. I don't know what might happen. I tried weed once on a whim, you never know what else might pop up.
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FLAGGED, SNOB IS A DEVIANT AND THE HEAD OF A CARTEL! TAKE 'EM DOWN, BOIZ.
Even when I was knee deep in intoxicants of all kinds I never publicized that shit. I mean..not that I've ever online dated for any prolonged period of time, and despite that I haven't had a social media profile for about a decade but even so... It always cracks me up to see Einsteins getting in trouble because Susie Q just HAD to take that picture of herself with her pimps and hos ripping on that bong or smokin' that jay (or worse, if you're really going for that MacArthur Fellowship). YES. THIS WILL MAKE YOU POPULAR WITH ALL THE REALLY IMPORTANT PEOPLE AND AS COOL AND SUCCESSFUL AS SNOOP DOG LION.
Not only is there no reason to publicize things like that, there are heaping amounts of reasons NOT to. Unless you are lucky enough to either be financially set and/or have a really stable job that just doesn't give a shit what you do.
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FLAGGED, SNOB IS A DEVIANT AND THE HEAD OF A CARTEL! TAKE 'EM DOWN, BOIZ.
:rollin :heart
Stadler, good points as usual. The selectiveness and ease of rejection with the technology today has changed the way we all date. I always think about unjustly "dumping" a girl. But there is some deep psychology behind it in my mind, for me. I spent 9 years with a girl and the last 2 of them (the two years after I proposed to her) I knew it was not going to work and could not effectively dump her. My counselor we saw together to see if we could make it work, told me after I let him know why I knew it wouldn't work "you are a pussy, you know what you have to do". Well it took another 6 months after that, but ending the engagement was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Every time I start feeling like things aren't going to go anywhere with a girl, I get the feeling I need to end it now, before I get too attached. It's sad to admit this, but I've ended it with almost every girl I've dated so I definitely know I can pull the trigger quick and I know for a fact some of these woman would make great wives, just not for me. (including my ex).
I can SO relate to this. Wey and I were together for a little over 8 years, and engaged for almost that long. Pulling the trigger on that, as you put it, was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I tried to go that route 2 years before I finally DID it, but I wasn't facing my fears and the pull to stay with him until I finally realized that I needed to pull the trigger or I would quite literally die inside. That wasn't an acceptable option, and Wey and I now are actually still close friends (we always were, really). It just didn't happen for us on a deeper level to a certain point.
I'm glossing over a lot of that, because the doings of that time are deeply personal and I feel it was a journey I needed to go through to grow and realize things about myself and the relationships I sought with men to the point of the break up. I feel much more comfortable within myself, and more comfortable in knowing my worth. My relationship with myself is of more importance right now than ANY relationship I may have with another man at this point. I know in my heart that I did the right thing, and I'm not beating myself up over a lot of it anymore. It just didn't work out how we wanted it to.
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:clap:
Well said. A great way to look at the situation.
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My relationship with myself is of more importance right now than ANY relationship I may have with another man at this point. I know in my heart that I did the right thing, and I'm not beating myself up over a lot of it anymore. It just didn't work out how we wanted it to.
I felt exactly this way for the majority of the last 10 years. This just isn't something I can do without being okay with ME. But, while I understand the concept first hand, it didn't come from a breakup. It wasn't attached to that. Recently I got very close with someone who ended up pulling away because she wasn't ready to date yet and didn't want to hurt me. I had a hard time with it, and still do sometimes. It really makes me wonder how people get past the breakup of a long time relationship. I emotionally can't let go of someone who I didn't even have an actual relationship with, and I can't respect that this same someone is still hurt by bad longtime relationships. The irony is not lost on me.
Sylvan, I think she's wicked attracted to you but somewhere (maybe it's the weed, I don't know) she's rationalizing a compromise she has to make to be with you. Maybe if she sees you and realizes that the weed doesn't make you a lazy stoner interested in nothing but the Dead and your PS3, things might change.
I tried to take things in a different direction tonight. I thought it might have been going well, but kinda didn't get there. I did start to change the tone though. I'm trying to get her away from thinking about the future and only thinking about me in terms of long-term potential. It's a fine line to flirt sexually and not come off like a creep. But really, I got nothing to lose here anyways. There's gotta be a way to get some without deceiving her about the future... right?
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Totally. I wish more people would just be in the moment with this sort of stuff and not analyze to death what the future might be. Most relationships don't last forever, so why not just focus on enjoying right now while you have it?
I have so little spare time, but I've been enjoying browsing around OKC and even sent out a couple messages. Also found a friend on there and sent her a fake creepy message :lol
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Totally. I wish more people would just be in the moment with this sort of stuff and not analyze to death what the future might be. Most relationships don't last forever, so why not just focus on enjoying right now while you have it?
I have so little spare time, but I've been enjoying browsing around OKC and even sent out a couple messages. Also found a friend on there and sent her a fake creepy message :lol
My ex-wife did that to me. She created this profile that seemed like the perfect girl for me, so when I messaged this person all excited and elated and she told me it was her, I was so fucking pissed. :lol
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Totally. I wish more people would just be in the moment with this sort of stuff and not analyze to death what the future might be. Most relationships don't last forever, so why not just focus on enjoying right now while you have it?
I have so little spare time, but I've been enjoying browsing around OKC and even sent out a couple messages. Also found a friend on there and sent her a fake creepy message :lol
My ex-wife did that to me. She created this profile that seemed like the perfect girl for me, so when I messaged this person all excited and elated and she told me it was her, I was so fucking pissed. :lol
Wow, that seems pretty fucked up.
Deb, it's nice to know someone out there can relate. It is totally important to work on yourself and they way we cope and recover from ending attachments is different for all. Another girl I've been talking to (I don't really see us going anywhere, but she is nice to talk to) told me she spent the two years after her break up just working hard and building a career and didn't date at all. I was the opposite, I went right out and dated after I broke up with my ex. I also busted ass at work and travelled a lot. For me, that was my way of breaking away from the past. But when you think about it, both of us just tried to find something to do with our time to make the "getting over and moving on" phase easier. If I sat home and did nothing, I think I would be miserable.
Now that I am a bit older and wiser from my past relationships, I can agree with the idea of "living in the moment" and just enjoying life and what you do have.
Phonesexy girl and I met up for margaritas last night and got the real deed done, I really like this girl. Not just because she was fun, but she is very outgoing and mature (well she is 6 years older than me so she better be mature). Our conversation was just so natural and there was no awkwardness to having had phone sex before meeting (I thought there was potential for that), in fact we joked quite a bit about it.
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That's awesome. It seems things are flowing nicely for you with her.
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That's awesome. It seems things are flowing nicely for you with her.
I'd like to think they are flowing nicely for her with me as well. Honestly, she is pretty much what I am looking for. Someone mature, sexually experienced, outgoing, and has a job/life outside of a significant other/me. Our conversations have been so easy, we definitely had a "click" last night. I very much look forward to seeing her again. Before our phone convo Sunday night we weren't planning on meeting up until next Sunday night, but now that things went well, I could see us hanging out again before that, but we will see. I just don't want to rush and get my hopes too high here though. Kind of went a lot faster than I am used to so this is not exactly the way I have normally experienced dating.
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Just go with the flow, that's all. Things seem to PROGressing nicely and that's a good thing.
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Totally. I wish more people would just be in the moment with this sort of stuff and not analyze to death what the future might be. Most relationships don't last forever, so why not just focus on enjoying right now while you have it?
Perhaps I didn't articulate it well enough, but this is closer to what I was talking about than the "inability" to break up with someone. I'm not suggesting anyone endure years of a relationship that doesn't work, but I do think it's wise to let things mature on their own, at least at the start.
It's like the difference between a vine-ripe tomato, and the red tomatoes you get in the store (which are picked green and "turned" red using ethylene gas). Or wine. Sometimes these things have to take their natural course, and while this makes me look "old" I have to think that "OKC" isn't the optimal tool for the patient maturation of a relationship. :)
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True that.
Totally. I wish more people would just be in the moment with this sort of stuff and not analyze to death what the future might be. Most relationships don't last forever, so why not just focus on enjoying right now while you have it?
I have so little spare time, but I've been enjoying browsing around OKC and even sent out a couple messages. Also found a friend on there and sent her a fake creepy message :lol
My ex-wife did that to me. She created this profile that seemed like the perfect girl for me, so when I messaged this person all excited and elated and she told me it was her, I was so fucking pissed. :lol
No, that's not the same thing at all, that's psycho :lol
I mean I just sent her a message from my regular profile like "Hey baby..."
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True that.
Totally. I wish more people would just be in the moment with this sort of stuff and not analyze to death what the future might be. Most relationships don't last forever, so why not just focus on enjoying right now while you have it?
I have so little spare time, but I've been enjoying browsing around OKC and even sent out a couple messages. Also found a friend on there and sent her a fake creepy message :lol
My ex-wife did that to me. She created this profile that seemed like the perfect girl for me, so when I messaged this person all excited and elated and she told me it was her, I was so fucking pissed. :lol
No, that's not the same thing at all, that's psycho :lol
I mean I just sent her a message from my regular profile like "Hey baby..."
It was a bit harsh of her, you're right.
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It's fucking psycho, sorry. To go out of your way to create a profile just to mess with somebody's head. Uncool as fuck.
Anyway, I haven't talked to plant guy in like four days and at this point I'm just assuming I won't be hearing from him again. It's kind of lame that I tell him how I feel once and he goes all dick on me, but I guess he couldn't handle anything less than a "perfect" relationship where neither of us ever complains and he puts forth minimal effort. It seems pretty shitty and abrupt after talking to him every single day for almost three months, but such is life. There are things I want to say, but probably won't.
I have been reflecting back on our time together and realizing that meh, maybe it wasn't so great. I mean, we have a lot of common interests, he's fun to talk to, he's really cute, etc. However the more I think about it the more things about him there were that annoyed me, but because I didn't see him a ton and it wasn't super serious (honestly, this is one of the things I love about not being monogamous) I mostly overlooked them. I'm remembering more selfish shit he said /did... like when I was sick, he didn't offer to help or anything, but then when he was sick I was there the next day with fucking soup and gelato.
Last week he asked me out of the blue when I was going to Chicago in March and was trying to get exact dates out of me (I hadn't bought my ticket yet). Turns out he was feigning interest in my trip just to find out if he could get a ride to the airport when he goes to Cali that same week! And at something like 5am on a work day! I told him probably not.
Also: he never once went down on me, or offered to do so. In three months. I'm not much into cunnilingus so it wasn't like I felt cheated out of it and didn't think it was worth questioning, but it was the principle. Like, are you grossed out by my (clean and well-manicured) junk, bro?
As I mentioned before, the sex was nothing special but I feel like pheromones still made me super horny when I was around him. Now he's out of my system, I guess.
And I'm pissed that I allowed some of the above bullshit, to be honest :lol
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Anyway, I haven't talked to plant guy in like four days and at this point I'm just assuming I won't be hearing from him again. It's kind of lame that I tell him how I feel once and he goes all dick on me, but I guess he couldn't handle anything less than a "perfect" relationship where neither of us ever complains and he puts forth minimal effort. It seems pretty shitty and abrupt after talking to him every single day for almost three months, but such is life. There are things I want to say, but probably won't.
I think all of us have seen a couple and thought, "How did that guy/girl get that girl/guy?" But that's almost always based on looks. But this kinda pissed me off because there's context. We know that the guy is not of the highest quality boyfriend material, and we know the girl is cool as fuck. Not only does he not come through, time and again, but he gets a genuine chance to be better. And he brushes it off!
Why not say something? I guess I'm just one of those people who can't NOT say something that's on my mind.
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Man, I wish I was that way. I envy that quality in people most of the time, though it sometimes gets them in trouble.
I'm just not sure it's worth it at this point, and I honestly wouldn't even know where to begin. It's not off the table, I'll think about it. Maybe I should just ask why he's afraid of putting his face in my junk and see where that goes :rollin
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Shit gurl, the not-goin-down shtick is reason alone to kick 'im to the curb.
I know to most people that probably sounds super joke-ish and sarcastic but I'm totally fucking serious. :lol
Yes. I am that shallow. It's kept me happy. Any time I hear a girl say something like "ew" about blowjobs or anything of the sort, she's immediately off-limits in my mind cause I will eat those lower lips the entire fucking night and while 9 out of 10 times I expect nothing in return at all...yeah, sue me, sometimes I want you to gag on me. True love is taking the gentiles of your partner all over your face. IT'S TRUE.
Such is the life of selfish happiness. :police:
SO. On one hand, sorry to hear it ended sour; on the other, you dodged a bullet cause every lady needs a good lapping without the play of "if you do me, I'll do you", let alone no reciprocation at all, fuck that noise. That? That's cray cray. On behalf of the Lady Licking Society, I apologize for those three months. That's horrifying. (almost as horrifying as that name now that I thought on it for a minute but I'm gonna leave it cause sometimes it needs to get weird in here)
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Man, I wish I was that way. I envy that quality in people most of the time, though it sometimes gets them in trouble.
Yet, you can tell us how the dude wouldn't put his face in your clean and well manicured lower quadrant :rollin. But yes, it can get me in trouble sometimes. I don't think I could have said what Tio so eloquently said without being the creepy stranger talking about some guy "lapping" (nice verb use) up Jackie's "lower lips" (nice adjective/noun combo) :lol.
This has me kinda curious and will show my inexperience. Is this something women expect? Is this something all women are into, generally speaking? It wouldn't be a lie if someone said Guys love blowies!
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Jackie, it's best you move on from plantman. I think it is plain to see that he did not really care much. The airport thing would have REALLY pissed me off. That type of shit would make me feel used.
As for going down... not worth it now obviously, but if you wanted it, you should have just said so. When you have enough sex with someone I think you get to a comfort level where you should be able to talk about that.
The girl I dated over the fall must have hinted that a thousand times that she wanted me to go down on her. I knew it, but she never said anything (typical of her, always giving hints but never ever actually telling me what she wanted) so I used that as a reason internally not to go down on her, at least not until she went down on me. Well she finally went down on me and then told me she had never done that on any guy that was not her BF (yet she expected me to do that to her from the getgo?) Well I went down on her shortly after that and then again another time. I really just didn't like that she couldn't say it. I told her flat out, I LOVE BJS probably after our first time banging. Which is true, I'd rather get head than have sex.
The new girl, phonesexy, already told me she likes being chomped on. Obviously this girl is much more open about her sexuality than most, but I honestly feel that having that phone sex and intimate conversation has lead both of us to just be very open. It's odd, but part of what made our date the other night so awesome was that openness. The things we talked about, I even told her so too, were not things I had talked about with girls I had dated for months or weeks, yet we are talking about it on a first date and joking about it! It was so refreshing to be honest and open and have no fear of "that's weird". We have our next date set for Sunday night, she is bringing over a bottle of wine and maybe there will be some chomping :biggrin:
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That sounds awesome! Yeah, it's nice to be open about stuff with somebody. I have had those conversations with new people and it's always refreshing.
And yes, while I agree that you should ask for something if you want it (again, it's not my favorite thing unless done by select people and I much prefer being fingered), it's also something that often just happens organically. He never asked me to go down on him, I just did because to me it's a given. Unless a guy tells me he hates it or tries to stop me, I'm going for it.
And yes sylvan, adult women generally dig that shit (I feel like a minority in my ambivalence), and most of my recent partners have gone for it, though not all.
Jorge: :rollin
Again, I wasn't feeling super deprived but it was more of a principle thing. The lady I'm seeing and the guy I see occasionally are both quite good at it, so even though those lickings are few and far between, they are more than enough :lol
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:lol
I get what you mean by not asking for it, but you would think after seeing someone for 3 months it wouldn't be a big deal to say "hey, would you be interested in returning the favor?" At least to find out what his reasonings are.
For me, I honestly do not feel like I am good at it. I think I've only made two girls orgasm from it. A few have flat out told me they don't like it at all and do not even try and some I have tried and just got no real results. It has made my gun shy, plus I won't do it on someone I just met because I would like to know its clean down there first. :eek
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I'd rather get head than have sex.
So much this. Especially if the girl can deepthroat without flinching.
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;)
I hear that. Sometimes I like just being fingered (or with the right person, oral) better than sex, because it's less work :lol
:lol
I get what you mean by not asking for it, but you would think after seeing someone for 3 months it wouldn't be a big deal to say "hey, would you be interested in returning the favor?" At least to find out what his reasonings are.
For me, I honestly do not feel like I am good at it. I think I've only made two girls orgasm from it. A few have flat out told me they don't like it at all and do not even try and some I have tried and just got no real results. It has made my gun shy, plus I won't do it on someone I just met because I would like to know its clean down there first. :eek
Yeah, I see what you're saying. I'm also a bit gun shy with oral on girls because I'm not super experienced, but I still go for it anyway. Practice makes... well, better!
And you're right, I thought about asking him before but chickened out. I'm really a chicken with confrontation, as I've clearly demonstrated. If it's something I can live with/without, I generally keep quiet. For better or for worse, I guess.
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;)
I hear that. Sometimes I like just being fingered (or with the right person, oral) better than sex, because it's less work :lol
No doubt. Same for me on the giving end :lol I feel like my fingers are way more versatile. There are only so many things I can do with a penis in a vagina, but the fingers allow for all different sizes, angles, rhythmic sensations, etc.. Plus, the only thing limiting the aggressiveness and the duration of my fingers is how long my arm muscles take to get fatigued. The same can't be said about my penis. Some days I just don't have the, e'hem, stamina. I find the time of day also makes a difference. I'm always down for sex in the morning. Always. Very really am I in the mood after working and sitting in traffic for two hours. Nothing against my girlfriend, I'm just mentally drained and no amount of lingerie is going to change that. But I'll let my fingers do their thing while I just kind of hang back and relax.
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I seem to differ on this. Don't get me wrong. A quick blow job, hand job, finger bang, shocker, or whatever is always fine with me. But I would much rather have sex with a woman. I think those other things are good when you just have a few minutes to spare or I'm driving and she's looking to get off or get me off, then that's cool. But if we have an evening inside with no one to bother us, we're fuckin for a couple of hours at least. I'll do quickies but sometimes it's just nice to let it last.
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;)
I hear that. Sometimes I like just being fingered (or with the right person, oral) better than sex, because it's less work :lol
No doubt. Same for me on the giving end :lol I feel like my fingers are way more versatile. There are only so many things I can do with a penis in a vagina, but the fingers allow for all different sizes, angles, rhythmic sensations, etc.. Plus, the only thing limiting the aggressiveness and the duration of my fingers is how long my arm muscles take to get fatigued. The same can't be said about my penis. Some days I just don't have the, e'hem, stamina. I find the time of day also makes a difference. I'm always down for sex in the morning. Always. Very really am I in the mood after working and sitting in traffic for two hours. Nothing against my girlfriend, I'm just mentally drained and no amount of lingerie is going to change that. But I'll let my fingers do their thing while I just kind of hang back and relax.
You worded that better than I could. I actually had something typed and refrained, essentially saying my fingers are probably my best tool for getting the deed done.
On the other note, I am way more hornier after work than in the morning. I think many like the morning time better. I'd rather get up and have some coffee :lol (although I don't think I've ever turned a woman down in the morning, just my preference). I would rather take out my work/traffic frustrations in the bed room by giving a good pounding when I get home, and hopefully while the girl is still dressed up in her work clothes.
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Yeah I mostly agree with that. I'm sometimes horny in the morning but it's damn near impossible for me to get off. I like the stress relief it can bring at night.
Also, maybe a bit "off topic" but how do you guys feel about using toys on a girl? I find it very sexy, but could see why it might make a guy feel weird.
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My ex once bought a toy for us to use. My initial response was negative, like as you said, "What? I'm not good enough?" but I tried it, and it was fun. It was essentially a cock ring with a vibrator on top for clit stimulation. That was easily the most erotic thing my x had ever done (that was in our first year of dating). She also got warming/strawberry tasting lube for BJs, which she never used (at least not with me :lol, she refused to give BJs besides on my birthday). So disappointing. I am quite open to using toys though. I'm all about whatever is fun and works, I'm long over my phase of "What? I'm not good enough?". Woman are different than men in many ways, one of them is that a toy can be better than a real penis. If that works and we are both comfortable with each other, why not? Have fun.
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I must be weird, yo.
If I'll kiss a girl on the mouth, I'll kiss a girl anywhere else.
There is no "quid pro quo", even though I agree with Chino about the order of precedence. I don't go down on her in order to generate more head for me. My experience is that more women than not are less than enthusiastic about giving it, and of those that are enthusiastic, more women than not don't have a clue how to do it really well. Though that's not the case now; without revealing too much, let's just say that it doesn't happen much in my relationship and for very good reason (think of touching a hot stove once when you were a kid, and then being gun shy around stoves later in life when you're an adult).
As for my delivering the goods that way, I actually dig it. I'm with Tio; put on some tunes, get me comfortable and I'll spend whatever time we need down there. (Side bar question: any preferences? If you've seen one, have you really seen them all?)
Toys? Sure. Short of a 16" hydraulic dildo with the circumference of a coffee can, that I need a Craftsman air compressor to run, I'm pretty open to anything in that realm. My logic? If it doesn't matter if I'm using my cock, finger or tongue, what does it matter if I'm using a plastic vibrating rod or latex ring? As long as I'm doing it, and she ends up screaming (pleasure, not agony), it's all good with me. After all, I still have to find the hotspots, figures 1 through 9, and put my finger on the button. (Hee, hee).
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And yes sylvan, adult women generally dig that shit (I feel like a minority in my ambivalence), and most of my recent partners have gone for it, though not all.
On first read, this made me feel so out of the loop :lol. I just had to ask because it seems like going down on chicks is one of those things that doesn't get talked about much. Then again, I don't really hangout with women and I never watched sex and the city. But apparently I wasn't wrong about some women's ambivalence or whatever, and not all that surprised that some guys aren't down for it. That's a lot of pressure, and apparently we're not all skilled at that :\.
The toys thing is all good. Like cram said, all women are different and what gets them there can vary widely. I know I'll be good on my end and if she needs a little extra help, why should I have a problem with her using a little extra help.
Stadler ninja'd me and nailed it, per usual.
This discussion took a turn... :hat
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:lol, for real.
I have asked a guy to used a dildo on me before. It's fun. And usually if he's gotten off and can't keep going but I'm not done yet. Also, it feels different because of the angle and what he's able to do with something in his hand vs. between his legs, as I think Chino mentioned before.
I've also used a dildo on a guy before but that's another story :lol
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I like using toys on my ladyfriends but they're few and far between. The friend I've been with recently loves it so yay to that. Except she really likes butt-stuff so it's usually during sex and I plug the other hole with something, depending on which way we're going at the time. :lol Fun times!
Oh man, I want that story told some day. I've had a girl try to stuff my butt once with a...pretty sizable dildo. She didn't even ask. Just like "HERE WE GO, NO PRE-STRETCHING FOR THIS RACE". I pretty much jumped ten feet in the air and other than that one time where my sister walked in on me and my girlfriend during our second time ever having sex, was THE FASTEST loss off wood I've ever had. Immediate.
I don't mind some play back there and lawd knows I'm just about the most uncaring individual when it comes to preconceptions about what men do with their butt fun, but god damn gurl, give a man some warning. Just cause I'm a depraved, ravaging, dirty lion in the sack doesn't mean I wanna stretch my backside. A finger? Sure, go ahead, thanks for asking. OH? A Lex Steele replica? Uhhhhh fuck you.
I'm seriously starting to feel like Jim Norton.
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Time to bug my lady love after reading this page.
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I like using toys on my ladyfriends but they're few and far between. The friend I've been with recently loves it so yay to that. Except she really likes butt-stuff so it's usually during sex and I plug the other hole with something, depending on which way we're going at the time. :lol Fun times!
Oh man, I want that story told some day. I've had a girl try to stuff my butt once with a...pretty sizable dildo. She didn't even ask. Just like "HERE WE GO, NO PRE-STRETCHING FOR THIS RACE". I pretty much jumped ten feet in the air and other than that one time where my sister walked in on me and my girlfriend during our second time ever having sex, was THE FASTEST loss off wood I've ever had. Immediate.
I don't mind some play back there and lawd knows I'm just about the most uncaring individual when it comes to preconceptions about what men do with their butt fun, but god damn gurl, give a man some warning. Just cause I'm a depraved, ravaging, dirty lion in the sack doesn't mean I wanna stretch my backside. A finger? Sure, go ahead, thanks for asking. OH? A Lex Steele replica? Uhhhhh fuck you.
I'm seriously starting to feel like Jim Norton.
Wow :lol :clap: I couldn't even take a finger, just ask my proctologist "relax" he kept saying
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After all, I still have to find the hotspots, figures 1 through 9, and put my finger on the button. (Hee, hee).
Erogenous zones I loooooove you
Without you what would a poor boy (or girl ;) ) do
Wow, Dramatic Turn of Sexual Events off in here. :lol :biggrin:
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I'm just happy to curl toes and to make eyes roll to the back of their heads.
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You magnificent bastard. :metal :hefdaddy
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So I've been trying to find nice ladies via different apps like Tinder, MeetMe, OkCupid, Happn and others I don't use anymore. And haven't had much luck so far - or maybe I've had and don't realise it :lol
Tinder... Found this nice girl who plays cello and it's a big reader (yes and YES for me), and is studying literature, so I thought telling her I disliked 1984 would spark some interesting conversation. Hasn't replied yet. Oh! And this one today - she actually messaged me first (!), but in French, fuck. Thought she was a tourist, and tried a bit of English, only to reveal me later that she spoke Spanish and was born in France but has been living here since a child :lol
I quite liked her, but I've gotta admit I struggled to keep the conversation moving, and I'm afraid I also looked a bit arrogant/selfish. Noticed how she started losing interest since I was driving mostof tthe conversation, and now she hasntt replied my last message, even though it's basically bait - she told me she loved coffe, I said I hated it :P
OkCupid is an awesome site that'd be better if it had more people from my city or state to start with - I've only found a nice pansexual genderqueer girl (...ok), who likes reading and series (yay), we have a good match, around 70% (YAY), but she actually identifies as a he (well, FUCK). And this other strange girl with no pic that sent me a message, but hasn't connected since then wtf.
MeetMe... Strange app. I only made like 3-4 matches on tinder, but with this one, around 25 what the hell :lol Sadly, 2/3 of them are from other states, so I just ignore them (I don't believe in distant relationships), and have found some interesting ones... But I have yet to contact them. It's just that my conversation skills suck, and I tend to overthink what I write - it doesn't help either that some of them have barely any info about themselves posted.
So these have been my little adventures, nothing too special tbh - I just had to express it somewhere. I still have hopes of finding interesting girls and going on a date in the not-so-distant future.
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Never heard of that last one.
Jorge: :rollin
What a crazy person! You don't just do that to anybody without warning!
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Yeah I mostly agree with that. I'm sometimes horny in the morning but it's damn near impossible for me to get off. I like the stress relief it can bring at night.
Also, maybe a bit "off topic" but how do you guys feel about using toys on a girl? I find it very sexy, but could see why it might make a guy feel weird.
Speaking of "toys", what haven't I used on a girl is a more appropriate question. :lol I don't have sex toys on hand so sometimes it's whatever is handy (no pun intended). There are always empty beer bottles around, so there's that.
:lol, for real.
I have asked a guy to used a dildo on me before. It's fun. And usually if he's gotten off and can't keep going but I'm not done yet. Also, it feels different because of the angle and what he's able to do with something in his hand vs. between his legs, as I think Chino mentioned before.
I've also used a dildo on a guy before but that's another story :lol
My ex-girlfriend Wendy was big into that. She was probably the best I ever had. We would go for hours on end. I miss that woman. I think we kept Blackstone wine in business during the time we were dating. :lol
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Also, maybe a bit "off topic" but how do you guys feel about using toys on a girl? I find it very sexy, but could see why it might make a guy feel weird.
We use toys in the bedroom all the time. Handcuffs are one of my favorites, except for the time our dog ran away with the keys and I thought he swallowed them. We've got two vibrators and a 13" behemoth :lol The vibrators are cool I guess, they give me a break when I need one, and they are good for getting things started. But I freaking LOVE getting to go nuts on her with the big one, especially if we're in a position where I'm getting head at the same time.
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So I've been trying to find nice ladies via different apps like Tinder, MeetMe, OkCupid, Happn and others I don't use anymore. And haven't had much luck so far - or maybe I've had and don't realise it :lol
I found my GF on Tinder some 2.5 years ago. We have a house together now. Swiping right was the best decision of my life.
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Sacul, my advice to you would be to not start (or end) a conversation a negative.
so I thought telling her I disliked 1984 would spark some interesting conversation. Hasn't replied yet.
now she hasntt replied my last message, even though it's basically bait - she told me she loved coffe, I said I hated it :P
Instead, ask about a book you or she likes, spark a conversation that you know would be interesting for the other person to engage in. You even admit it is bait. People who don't know you are less likely to bite. I know I can throw some bait to someone I know if I want them to respond to me, but someone I never met or talked to is much more likely to brush that away and not be interested.
Regardless, this is new to you so you'll go through the learning experience of what works and not. Try not to think too hard and over analyze what you say. Just let it flow and be yourself and try to be positive, no one wants to talk to a negative nancy.
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After all, I still have to find the hotspots, figures 1 through 9, and put my finger on the button. (Hee, hee).
Erogenous zones I loooooove you
Without you what would a poor boy (or girl ;) ) do
Thank you for noticing that. :)
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Tinder... Found this nice girl who plays cello and it's a big reader (yes and YES for me), and is studying literature, so I thought telling her I disliked 1984 would spark some interesting conversation. Hasn't replied yet. Oh! And this one today - she actually messaged me first (!), but in French, fuck. Thought she was a tourist, and tried a bit of English, only to reveal me later that she spoke Spanish and was born in France but has been living here since a child :lol
I quite liked her, but I've gotta admit I struggled to keep the conversation moving, and I'm afraid I also looked a bit arrogant/selfish. Noticed how she started losing interest since I was driving mostof tthe conversation, and now she hasntt replied my last message, even though it's basically bait - she told me she loved coffe, I said I hated it :P
I get it, you have to be you, and put yourself out there and yadda yadda, but I offer this because you did say you "overthought" things, so perhaps you do put some effort in to what you write...
There is a huge difference - made even huger over the relatively impersonal medium of texting/email - between saying "I prefer tea, but I'm open to reinvestigating coffee; what I've tried so far hasn't really moved the needle" and "Coffee? I hate it." Or "What do you think about 1984; I was just having a conversation with someone that liked it a lot more than me" and "1984? I hated it."
I don't know; I'm a pretty open guy, I'll date anyone once, maybe even twice just to make sure, I'll talk to anyone anytime for the most part... but it cools pretty quickly when someone is always replying with the opposite of what I say. It sends a message, for better or worse.
EDIT: Cram beat me to the punch, and in half the words!
...a nice pansexual genderqueer girl ...
Fuck apps to meet people; I can do that. I need an app just to keep all the self-identification lingo straight. Whether I would date someone who was unsure of their sexuality (either emotionally or physically) is immaterial (yes and maybe, depending where they were on their journey, respectively); that label? I wouldn't even know where to begin with that.
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I have no idea what that means either honestly
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I'm really TRYING to change the tone of my conversation with this woman. She is just so stuck on the future and true love. I'm laying it down, but she's just not picking it up. I can't get her to just lighten up and be a human, with needs and desires. She tells me she's super against weed and will never be okay with it, and it seems like she's fishing for me to offer to give it up at some point. I tell her it's not going away and she needs to make a decision. She replies with ,"I've made a decision, I'll never be okay with it." So I ask why she's still texting me, and she says, "I don't have an answer to that." She asks me all these ridiculous lines of questions that, no doubt, most people would balk at. I've kinda been whatevs and just playing along for funsies. I told her I just wanna grab some drinks, see how she looks in a sexy little black dress, and flirt a little... or a lot! She says ,"Sounds fair. Sometime easier said than done, but sounds fair." I'm not gonna mislead somebody about there being a future just so I can get some. That's just not me. But it seems clear she's into me. I'm leaning towards telling her that it feels like I'm having to talk her into this, and nobody wants to have to convince someone to go out with them. If she's interested, she should say so.
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Seems like a "we are not a match" type of girl.
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Damn, didn't realise I could look that negative - I guess I'm used to talking that way with friends, using baits from time to time :P
Thanks folks! I'll keep trying :smiley:
PS: Pansexual means someone likes all kind of genders -straight, gay, lesbian, transexual, etc- and genderqueer, doesn't care about genre conventions - for instance she dresses like a boy. Definitely not for me :lol
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Damn, didn't realise I could look that negative - I guess I'm used to talking that way with friends, using baits from time to time :P
Thanks folks! I'll keep trying :smiley:
PS: Pansexual means someone likes all kind of genders -straight, gay, lesbian, transexual, etc- and genderqueer, doesn't care about genre conventions - for instance she dresses like a boy. Definitely not for me :lol
Sometimes you need that outside perspective to realize something, hence why I open up quite a bit here. It's refreshing to here sincere feedback, it's the only way you improve.
Anyway, like baiting too, masterbaiting :lol
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:lolpalm:
Yeah, I would not reply to some random guy who just told me he hated stuff I liked online. Not good bait IMO
I think my OKC and Fet profiles say pansexual, but in conversation I usually just like to say I don't discriminate.
Sylvan, that doesn't sound promising at all to me. Totally your call if you want to keep trying though.
So guys, I taliked to my friend who recently got dumped that I mentioned the other day, and I was right- he spied on her (eek) and found her going home with the ex. He didn't do anything psycho like confront her, thankfully. He just blocked her on FB and that was it. I sorta knew that was the case but sad to see him so upset about it.
I also turned down plans with him last night so if we had hung out it never would've happened- good and bad, I guess.
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Well, it's good he knows. It does sound creepy, but I guess doing what he did just so he knew for a fact without blowing up isn't so weird or bad in the end. He will be upset, but it's better than holding onto something that was only going to let him down.
I also agree, Sylvan, this girl seems like it will lead to no where. Maybe since you know it won't lead to something serious you can just be upfront about being casual with her since it seems like you at least want that and maybe she has some interest as well, but she seems like she is just playing games based on what you said. The whole "she doesnt know why she is still texting" just rings of someone messing with you.
Tonight I am going to the Epica concert with the girl I dated for the entire fall, but have not seen since early December. We still text as friends and are going as friends so I don't expect this to be a lonely hearts type of deal, but I won't lie when I say I am actually a bit nervous to see how we interact. I have a hotel room so she agreed to come pregame with me in the room, but she had said she will be going home tonight. I offered strictly as a friend that she could stay in the room as well, but since it's one bed she declined. I tried really hard to make it seem like I wasn't trying to get in her pants while still trying to offer it as a friend. Either way, I am pretty pumped for my first concert of 2016.
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Damn, didn't realise I could look that negative - I guess I'm used to talking that way with friends, using baits from time to time :P
Thanks folks! I'll keep trying :smiley:
PS: Pansexual means someone likes all kind of genders -straight, gay, lesbian, transexual, etc- and genderqueer, doesn't care about genre conventions - for instance she dresses like a boy. Definitely not for me :lol
Sometimes you need that outside perspective to realize something, hence why I open up quite a bit here. It's refreshing to here sincere feedback, it's the only way you improve.
Anyway, like baiting too, masterbaiting :lol
That's just it: you're not talking to YOU, you're talking to THEM. Maybe what you want is someone that you can talk to like your buds - and maybe you'll get there - but if that's not that important to you, maybe something to think about.
If you heard my college friends and I talk to each other, you'd actually wonder if we were friends at all (I've actually been asked that at least twice by people overhearing us). It's brutal, but it's how we've fallen into routine. But I wouldn't lead with that with someone else.
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Soooo the guy just texted asking if we're not talking anymore and I'm not sure what the fuck to say, if anything. I'm about to go to a show so I don't want to deal with it right now.
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Too much drama their Jackie.
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Soooo the guy just texted asking if we're not talking anymore and I'm not sure what the fuck to say, if anything. I'm about to go to a show so I don't want to deal with it right now.
Don't bother right now. He waits this fucking long just to say "I guess we aren't talking anymore"?? This guy takes no initiative whatsoever.
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Ew. That kind of passivity is rage inducing. My ex was like that... "Ummm I guess we're over!?". Well...where to start... We haven't spoken in months sooo...yes.
It's that kind of pansy coddling and 'woe is me' attitude that makes relationships of any magnitude with that kind of person an utter headache. Like...if you wanna talk, fucking talk; at the very least speak up before a ridiculous amount of time and at least have the balls to say "Hey, it's a little disheartening that we're not talking but...yaddayaddayadda". Otherwise, it's any grown, developed person's natural assumption to think "if they're not talking, that means they don't wanna talk". Not some ploy or game of waiting and drawing it out. Anything but that kind of cring-worthy, flinching attitude that is such a blatant cry of "you do the emotional work so I don't have to". That "I guuueess..." slumped over, head to the ground, quietly speaking shtick even comes through in texts. That was acceptable in middle school...now you're just an annoying little shit.
Sadly it took me about a year of being dragged around and stepped on to figure out that she wasn't going to do anything except ask me to do shit and then when I finally just shut down and drifted away, it was like a cosmic cumshot to the face in a really funny way to get that last, ultra confirmed "This person is a Snorlax" text of... "Ummm I guess we're over!?" ... :lol *SIIIIIIIIGH*
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Yeah, I totally hear what you're saying. Your ex sounds swell :lol
We haven't talked in a week. Granted I could have said something too, but I've been busy and reflecting on things and quite frankly have not felt any sort of gap in my life. Debating whether I should answer at all but don't want to be an asshole either. Blegh.
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I know how to pick 'em! ;)
Eh. At least I know what to look out for now, though. I always do have to learn the hard way. :metal
Yeah, I mean it's one thing if you're just outright not wanting to talk or not feeling it but that's different than what he's doing, at least what it sounds like he's doing. It doesn't sound like he's so much of an asshole as he is just lazy with a side of pansy (hold the topping of self confidence). It's pretty clear what's going on when someone responds like that after a period of time with no communication and LO AND BEHOLD...a comment that may as well have bait at the end the line. I just hate that it's so passive that they're literally communicating while asking if there should be communication...it's just...ARGH! QUIT BEING A FUCKING PUSSY. :lol
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Jackie, just tell him its over and get it over with. Obviously when you aren't in the middle of something fun because you don't want to get into a conversation while enjoying yourself, but when you next get some down time, just do what needs to be done. Even as lame as that message is, I think that his way of just wanting the confirmation, but like everything else in your relationship with plantman, you are the one that needs to do it so might as well take the wheel one last time.
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So late last night I ended up replying basically this:
Him: So are we just not talking anymore?
Me: (being a wiseass) Well it's been about a week if my calculations are correct. To be honest I haven't felt the urge nor have I felt welome to talk, and I'm in Austin right now.
Him: Well I guess it's been real then. Hope you have fun in Austin.
Man! I thought I was a pansy about avoiding stuff. Alrighty then.
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Game of Thrones on Tinder
https://www.facebook.com/DaenerysTargaryenTheQueen/videos/765889053522742/
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I just broke up with the gf.
It was a good relationship, and somewhat a learning curve for me. It was hard to break up because we both were really into each other but at the end things were just not going in the right direction, you know? *sigh*
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Sorry to hear that. Welcome to dating hell. ;)
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IM BACK, FEMALES
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IM BACK, FEMALES
It's a world full of giant dildos and vibrating cock rings. Don't be afraid to dive in face first :P.
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IM BACK, FEMALES
EEEP! :ontome:
It's a world full of giant dildos and vibrating cock rings. Don't be afraid to dive in face first :P .
That's what she said? Maybe? :lol
So late last night I ended up replying basically this:
Him: So are we just not talking anymore?
Me: (being a wiseass) Well it's been about a week if my calculations are correct. To be honest I haven't felt the urge nor have I felt welome to talk, and I'm in Austin right now.
Him: Well I guess it's been real then. Hope you have fun in Austin.
Man! I thought I was a pansy about avoiding stuff. Alrighty then.
Plantman sounds like a colossal douchecanoe when not in the sack, if I'm reading what you've said about him correctly. His loss, then.
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I just broke up with the gf.
It was a good relationship, and somewhat a learning curve for me. It was hard to break up because we both were really into each other but at the end things were just not going in the right direction, you know? *sigh*
Sorry to hear that, welcome back to the club
Plantman sounds like a colossal douchecanoe when not in the sack, if I'm reading what you've said about him correctly. His loss, then.
Yup, he must have had a cane in the sack too for Jackie to keep making the drive. Glad that is over for her though.
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No dude, the sex was meh but for whatever reason (pheromones?) I was really really attracted to him.
*shrug*
IM BACK, FEMALES
Aw, sorry to hear she escaped but I'm sure you'll catch another.
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So I messaged one of the few women on Staten Island that I didn't message. She responded right away and might want to just get together right away to not have to drag it out and wind up waiting a few weeks and the realizing it didn't work. One thing about her profile that made me laugh.... She mentioned Netflix three time. :lol
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So I messaged one of the few women on Staten Island that I didn't message. She responded right away and might want to just get together right away to not have to drag it out and wind up waiting a few weeks and the realizing it didn't work. One thing about her profile that made me laugh.... She mentioned Netflix three time. :lol
So are you two going to netflix and chill then? :corn :chill
That sounds like a good opportunity to meet someone
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We shall see what happens.
Netflix and chill...
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I've got two women I'm talking to and neither seems like my type for the long run, but both are attractive and seem attracted to me. I'm only looking for something fun and physical. I've been talking to one woman for a few days now. She's 35 and divorced. She hasn't asked me many questions about myself. I told her I don't have my shit together, not sure what I'm looking for, working on career, living with parents, usually date younger women (she's 4 yrs older), etc. It was kind of a test to see what she's looking for. She didn't care and applauded my honesty. We're gonna do something this week. I think I've done a decent job at setting a flirty tone, but that's admittedly not my strong suit. I've said a bunch of times how I want to have fun and not take things too serious, and she agrees coming out of a marriage that wasn't fun.
I think I can pull this off when we finally meet. But what about from now til then? I feel like now that we've agreed to go out, I don't really know what to say to keep the dynamic moving that direction. I've really got nothing to lose in either of these situations. I just find it hard to steer the conversation towards sex. I wish it was as straightforward as, "Wanna commit blasphemy?" :lol
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I had a guy message me saying exactly that recently :lol
It would have worked except he ended up being shady (long story).
Anyway, I would just keep the conversation going with her until your date (what day is that?) but don't worry too much about the content. Sounds like she is already on the same wavelength or close to it.
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I've got two women I'm talking to and neither seems like my type for the long run, but both are attractive and seem attracted to me. I'm only looking for something fun and physical. I've been talking to one woman for a few days now. She's 35 and divorced. She hasn't asked me many questions about myself. I told her I don't have my shit together, not sure what I'm looking for, working on career, living with parents, usually date younger women (she's 4 yrs older), etc. It was kind of a test to see what she's looking for. She didn't care and applauded my honesty. We're gonna do something this week. I think I've done a decent job at setting a flirty tone, but that's admittedly not my strong suit. I've said a bunch of times how I want to have fun and not take things too serious, and she agrees coming out of a marriage that wasn't fun.
I think I can pull this off when we finally meet. But what about from now til then? I feel like now that we've agreed to go out, I don't really know what to say to keep the dynamic moving that direction. I've really got nothing to lose in either of these situations. I just find it hard to steer the conversation towards sex. I wish it was as straightforward as, "Wanna commit blasphemy?" :lol
I'm amazed she continued responding, but honesty does go a long way. I would say try to get to know her more. Even if you aren't looking for something serious, it's still nice to try to ask her about her life and try to spark conversations that way.
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I'm amazed too :lol. But that was kinda the point. I don't wanna make it seem like I'm only interested in sex. I can see how my post reads like that. She does seem interesting, I'm pretty sure she's from the Philippines, were both into fitness, she's seemingly not uptight like a lot of these people are. I guess I just wanted to be clear with her that I'm not necessarily looking for something serious and we should have a good time with it.
That's why I put the blashpemy thing :rollin. I guess there's an art to knowing your audience, but it does seem logical that someone who would decide it's a good idea to send that as a first message might be shady in someway. You never know unless you find out I guess :hat.
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So true, for both guys and gals. That's why I like to meet sooner than later. I don't like chit chatting with someone who is going to be shady and you can't always tell that from text messages, but you can pick it up much easier in person.
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So true, for both guys and gals. That's why I like to meet sooner than later. I don't like chit chatting with someone who is going to be shady and you can't always tell that from text messages, but you can pick it up much easier in person.
I'm always one to jump right in, and that goes for everything in the relationship, not just first encounter. I know a couple who's engaged and has yet to live together (not even for religious reasons). Are they insane?
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So true, for both guys and gals. That's why I like to meet sooner than later. I don't like chit chatting with someone who is going to be shady and you can't always tell that from text messages, but you can pick it up much easier in person.
I'm always one to jump right in, and that goes for everything in the relationship, not just first encounter. I know a couple who's engaged and has yet to live together (not even for religious reasons). Are they insane?
I don't think so, although I personally think it's a good idea to move in before marriage because that really changes dynamics. My friend is buying a house and has been with his GF for a year (she still lives with her parents about 40 minutes away). I ask if he is going to ask her to move in and he says hell no. I was surprised, but not everyone wants to rush.
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Lol. Whether he likes it or not, she's moving in. It'll start with sleepovers a few nights a week and a toothbrush in the bathroom. Next thing he knows, he'll no longer have a closet and there'll be DIY everywhere.
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Lol. Whether he likes it or not, she's moving in. It'll start with sleepovers a few nights a week and a toothbrush in the bathroom. Next thing he knows, he'll no longer have a closet and there'll be DIY everywhere.
Yup, that's how I see. I had another friend not move in until marriage but that's because his parents were very old school and did not allow them to live together, but I don't get that mentality when you eventually get to the point that you are talking about.
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I wish it was as straightforward as, "Wanna commit blasphemy?" :lol
Why isn't it? I mean, you can't lead with that, but still. I wouldn't keep hammering the "I want to keep it fun" thing; you've made your point, and she's still there; she's an adult, she's made her decision. Now it's on you to just MAKE it fun. Talk to her like you'd talk to someone at work. Or at a bar. You'll figure it out; you're a smart guy.
It didn't go anywhere (though I'll admit I wanted it to) but I remember one of the best text exchanges I had after my divorce was with a girl who was at Wal-Mart standing in line, and we turned it into a sort of "riff" on camping at Wal-Mart. yeah, I know, you had to be there, but that exchange kept us going through two dates and about two and a half-months.
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Lol. Whether he likes it or not, she's moving in. It'll start with sleepovers a few nights a week and a toothbrush in the bathroom. Next thing he knows, he'll no longer have a closet and there'll be DIY everywhere.
Yup, that's how I see. I had another friend not move in until marriage but that's because his parents were very old school and did not allow them to live together, but I don't get that mentality when you eventually get to the point that you are talking about.
It's a double edged sword; it's harder to break up if you're living together, but then again, you don't really know. I got lucky - very lucky - with my wife, but there are still things that "I wish I knew". As I said, I got lucky, in that they are not deal breaker things, but there are just things you CANNOT know - even if told - without seeing them for real, first hand. It just depends if you're that person that can put up with things or if every little thing is a catastrophe.
As always, it seems that it boils down to "being honest with yourself, first and foremost".
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Lol. Whether he likes it or not, she's moving in. It'll start with sleepovers a few nights a week and a toothbrush in the bathroom. Next thing he knows, he'll no longer have a closet and there'll be DIY everywhere.
Yup, that's how I see. I had another friend not move in until marriage but that's because his parents were very old school and did not allow them to live together, but I don't get that mentality when you eventually get to the point that you are talking about.
It's a double edged sword; it's harder to break up if you're living together, but then again, you don't really know. I got lucky - very lucky - with my wife, but there are still things that "I wish I knew". As I said, I got lucky, in that they are not deal breaker things, but there are just things you CANNOT know - even if told - without seeing them for real, first hand. It just depends if you're that person that can put up with things or if every little thing is a catastrophe.
As always, it seems that it boils down to "being honest with yourself, first and foremost".
I lived with my x for 4 years before I broke up with her. It's extrememly difficult to do while living together, and our ending had little to do with the fact we lived together (our issues were way deeper than shit that comes up when living with someone). I do agree that those little things you may hear about or may have slightly experienced during a sleep over are totally different when you are living with that person.
I did read some time ago that couple who live together before marriage are less likely to actually get married. I guess I added to that stat, but the concept was that once living together you practically are married in a way so the motivation to get married is gone, plus breaking up is much easier when you aren't married. I think this also had to do with how dating works no a days and how quickly people go through partners (I am also adding to this).
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I have no interest in living with another human being. Especially somebody I'm dating. Cats only, please.
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I have no interest in living with another human being. Especially somebody I'm dating. Cats only, please.
I think about that sometimes. I feel like I'd get a lot more accomplished in life if I didn't live with a partner.
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I have no interest in living with another human being. Especially somebody I'm dating. Cats only, please.
Yea, having been there, done that, I enjoy my cat way more than another human in my house. Maybe I change my mind if I meet the right woman, but that seems more and more impossible.
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I have no interest in living with another human being. Especially somebody I'm dating. Cats only, please.
I think about that sometimes. I feel like I'd get a lot more accomplished in life if I didn't live with a partner.
HAHA, for me, it's likely that'd I'd have a ton more Platinum trophies, and box full of Achievements. ;)
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For fucks sake, it's everywhere.
https://mashable.com/2016/01/27/netflix-and-chill-airbnb/#r2fH5HfjykqV
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For fucks sake, it's everywhere.
https://mashable.com/2016/01/27/netflix-and-chill-airbnb/#r2fH5HfjykqV
Is the mini bar included, or do you have to pay per drink?
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:lol
Hung out with phonesexy twice this week, she is a kinky one for sure. I enjoy it, opening me up a bit. She came over last night and brought a pizza, can't recall a girl ever doing that before so that was really nice and awesome. She's 6 years older so she is mature and so much easier to talk to than most of the younger girls I've dated. Doesn't feel like she is playing any games, just straight up with me and I like that a lot. We are having fun and that's what I really care about.
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Hung out with phonesexy twice this week, she is a kinky one for sure. I enjoy it, opening me up a bit.
Ouch
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Hung out with phonesexy twice this week, she is a kinky one for sure. I enjoy it, opening me up a bit.
Ouch
was waiting for a comment about that :lol Im not an anal guy, for myself or for her.
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:lol
Aw that's less fun. After she gets out of a good shower, get some lube and enjoy the tightest fun hole that mankind has to offer.
So.
Good.
I mean unless she's not into it herself. I'm not an advocate for "OOPS! I didn't mean to put it in there"!
I'm having some fun tonight! But am nervous because apparently we'll be filming it cause she's going to...er...some country... for a month for nothing but work and said that I'll be her only form of release for that time because she's going to be in a place with pretty much zero technology (she's one of those insane types that loves to make the world a better place in third world countries and whatnot :P )
So uh...here...we go? I mean it's not like (unless she's secretly a bitch) anyone else will be seeing it but just the fact it's going to be recorded at all...Hmm. I've taken pics before and stuff in the past but not a video and most of the pics weren't of me. :lol q24098uasdkgajw0893w6utawoefjawp948yt :eek :blush :millahhhh
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That's... interesting. Maybe it will end up on the internet
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Nowai.
Honestly if I thought there was any chance of that happening there's no way I'd do it.
Then again maybe I'm a fool and in a year or two we'll have a DTF thread that says "George's Lightsaber" and I'll have to retreat into the wilderness forever, never to return to society or the internet ever again.
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lol I kid I kid. Sounds like you may have a good time, well at least you better if you aren't going to see this girl for awhile.
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:lol, let's hope it ends up online. I always wonder if the douche who threatened me a few years ago ever did actually share pics of me with the internet, but I try not to think about it.
Cram, sounds like a solid girl! Define "kinky," please :caffeine:
Also, I agree with George on anal. It's been too long....
I am probably seeing metal yoga guy tomorrow, and then again Wednesday. He's bringing his partner (long term gf) to this event I will be reading at. I've actually been talking to her on OKC a bit so I'm curious to meet her!
Also probably seeing the lady Monday. I feel like I haven't seen her in ages so that should be cool.
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Sucks major ass when you have to wrestle with that decision whether to break up with someone you've been with for 3 years.
Terrified that you will never someone this good again, but at the same time realizing certain problems which have been discussed and discussed again and again are still occurring. You talk and talk, but nothing changes. And to make it even worse, they are annoyances, but not really deal breakers. Happy most of the time, but I'm tired of these stupid fights over nothing.
I indirectly bring up the idea of breaking up and the response is pretty much "if that's what you want, later". and once the argument gets going, my favorite "I don't have time for this" comes up. Apparently to her, this relationship is not worth fighting for.
But at the same time, this is the first person to ever love me and first person I have ever loved. All very frustrating and saddening stuff.
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Sorry to hear about your situation, it really is difficult.
Sounds like the two of you do not know how to fight or how to resolve your problems together. Very much like my x and me. The little fights all seem to add up over time, it's not just one small thing, but like 30 different small things. I eventually became the person who thought the relationship wasn't worth fighting over anymore.
Only you can decide if you have gotten to that point, but don't stay with her because you are worried about finding another person.
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Only you can decide if you have gotten to that point, but don't stay with her because you are worried about finding another person.
Fucking this. That is never a reason to stay in a relationship.
To be honest, the way she's reacting to you bringing up the breakup thing sounds like she's not too upset at the prospect but hasn't had the guts to dump you yet... OR she's like the guy I just stopped dating who is so damn afraid of confrontation that she'd rather it just end (or let things stew forever). In which case she needs to grow the fuck up.
I remember what it was like to break up with my first love, and I had a lot of the same thoughts/feelings. When it's the only love you've ever known, it's terrifying imagining never finding somebody else like that person... but honestly, ten years later it all just seems silly. The odds of that sort of thing lasting are slim... and I'm not being cynical, just realistic. It's new to both of you, you're still learning, you're young and maybe a bit idealistic about love. The truth is most relationships don't last... and I'm not saying THAT means you should end it, just saying if it doesn't last that's okay and you will survive.
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Only you can decide if you have gotten to that point, but don't stay with her because you are worried about finding another person.
Fucking this. That is never a reason to stay in a relationship.
To be honest, the way she's reacting to you bringing up the breakup thing sounds like she's not too upset at the prospect but hasn't had the guts to dump you yet... OR she's like the guy I just stopped dating who is so damn afraid of confrontation that she'd rather it just end (or let things stew forever). In which case she needs to grow the fuck up.
I remember what it was like to break up with my first love, and I had a lot of the same thoughts/feelings. When it's the only love you've ever known, it's terrifying imagining never finding somebody else like that person... but honestly, ten years later it all just seems silly. The odds of that sort of thing lasting are slim... and I'm not being cynical, just realistic. It's new to both of you, you're still learning, you're young and maybe a bit idealistic about love. The truth is most relationships don't last... and I'm not saying THAT means you should end it, just saying if it doesn't last that's okay and you will survive.
Fucking this, to steal Jackie's line.
I'm in the same boat; met a girl in college. HOT, smart, popular... I was the man with a plan because she was with ME. We dated for almost two years, and it was like Phoenix says; not so bad it was a no-brainer, but bad enough where it was like "Is this REALLY what all those movies are about??". And I couldn't believe I would find someone better...
And 25 years later, I realize that wasn't really love. It wasn't really unconditional, it wasn't enough to over come those little things, and it was just another brick in the wall that is Stadler. I honestly and literally do not think of her at all these days, maybe once in a blue moon, but other than when I hear "Evidence of Autumn" (which makes me think of her) even that is probably stretching it.
You WILL find someone. And you'll have this experience as the standard by which you'll measure the next couple... until you raise the standard yet again. The trick in my view is not being your own worst enemy.
What's the worst that happens? You break it off, and she gets the metaphorical slap in the face and comes back and says "WHOA! You were right all along!" What's the best that happens? You get a whole new opportunity to up your game.
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Yep. I guess the guy I referred to was sort of puppy love. We were both very much in love with the IDEA of love but did I really love him? Meh, I dunno. We did a lot of talking about this future we were going to have together and it was all idealized crap, but really we kinda just fell for each other because we hung out all the time (lots of mutual friends) and had some common interests. After about a year I started to realize that, mentally, we didn't actually have a lot in common (he was way less emotionally mature and extremely negative) and our mutual love for pizza and ripping on bad movies was not enough to sustain the relationship :lol
(Also, he very much idealized and worshipped me, and that got old fast.)
(Also also, I still feel embarrassed when I think about all of the corny baby talk and stuff we used with each other. Eww.)
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Well I love to read your post baby cakes.
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:lol
We had like sixteen different nicknames for each other, including things like Babypoo, Tostito, and Sunshine Cupcake. Yeah, don't ask me where the hell that came from :blush
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Sunshine Cupcake? Holy lol.
Ours is jerk face, luv bug, buddy and pal. :lol
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Jerk face is good!
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I call mine "Turnover", "Spreadem", "Youontop" and "Birthcontrol?".
It's really sweet.
Yeah I'm over the nickname phase with any relationship and it's honestly a near deal-breaker if she is bad enough about it. "Talk" in the form of that kind of overly idealized, dream-like, nearly-unobtainable bliss usually merits me just walking away. I've realized the extremely hard way that when in relationships or even dating (hopefully at least becoming serious dating) people love to say random shit that may sound super deep and meaningful and in less than a week is nothing more than a fart in the wind. Actions are where it's at. Talking is nice and if the person has shown to back it up, even better; but man, people talk the talk way too fucking much.
Porno fun night was fantastic. Different. I'm gonna give TMI per my usual spiel and say that I am absolutely no director because the first try was all ass and balls. Like for real, it was fucking atrocious. I immediately thought of that scene in Aways Sunny when they're talking about Dennis' POV videos. But we got around to making some super hot stuff and now I shall be browsing all the porn sites even more than I usually do. :P Not really, she seemed more nervous than me actually and said that we should make a habit out of it when she gets back. Which I'm honestly not too keen on. I'm cool with a couple once in a while but I'm not lookin' to start an amateur service here. I'm more than fine with my memories and continuing on willy nilly. We'll see.
In the meantime it's a nice (really) weirdly hot thing to spank it to. We've been meeting up quite often recently and even hung out without screwing *GASP* and it's still feeling very laid back and non-bullshitty. So this month might feel longer than others for me. I've got another ladyfriend but I'm actually feeling a little ambivilant about meeting up with her, which is fucked up. Must go kill something cute and watch The Kardashians and Guido Shore to remember how disgusting humanity is. Quickly.
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:lol, I love your posts.
I'm not sure I'll ever make another video after what happened last time. Photos, maybe. Depends on the context of course, but I'm gun shy after being threatened by a psycho.
So guys, after thinking about it for a week and a half I ended up messaging that guy in search of some closure (things had basically been left at "are we not talking anymore? Ok, it's been real..." and I felt weird about that). I told him basically these things:
-I didn't like that he pinned us "not talking" on me when it takes two to have a conversation
-I shut down when I don't feel heard or respected, which is why I didn't feel comfortable reaching out to him
-I have no desire to be in another relationship where I'm afraid to talk about my feelings
-his lack of reaction to us not talking made me think he either didn't care or was not willing to put up any kind of fight when things were less than perfect
-I wish him well and am just looking for closure vs wanting to argue
I wasn't sure if he would respond, but he did. On the surface, maturely (he even apologized, finally!), but really just the same selfish shit. He basically parroted the same stuff back to me and said he felt the same way. He felt hurt and disrespected and was too hurt to reach out.
Wait, what?? Hurt by what, exactly? Because I told him that I was hurt by something HE said? Wtf kind of childish shit is that? Part of me wants to ask for clarification but I think it best to leave alone at this point. I said what I had to say, I feel better in that sense.. and he responded in a way that confirmed the self-centeredness that got us here in the first place. I don't really want to salvage this, I just wanted some closure. Oy vey.
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Ah yeah, I was going to mention something last time and forgot...that is supremely fucked up and I'm really sorry to hear that happened; that's got to be one of the worst feelings. It takes a truly special kind of piece of lower-than-dirt shitfart to make a threat like that. People can be really twisted that way...and I'd be just as skeptical if I had a badonkadonk and boobies.
It's always nice to get closure and even more nice when you know without a doubt that what you did was right, and it certainly sounds like you got your final hammer to the nail. Always sucks no matter what...but man, one can only imagine the kinds of shit that'd be flying if anything serious ever happened if you two got serious and he needed to actually do something. Gawd forbid. If it's one thing that's become a huge turn off to me now that I'm finally growing up a smidgen, it's laziness. Truly makes me want to run for the hills if a chick is lazy. Plus it's guaranteed to make the sex less fun. Which is obviously the most important part. Forget being taken advantage of or knowing you'll always have to be the one to initiate any activities or always be the one to work the hardest, it's the fact that we can't do Kama Sutra is what's fucked up.
:P :angel:
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:lol, I love your posts.
I'm not sure I'll ever make another video after what happened last time. Photos, maybe. Depends on the context of course, but I'm gun shy after being threatened by a psycho.
So guys, after thinking about it for a week and a half I ended up messaging that guy in search of some closure (things had basically been left at "are we not talking anymore? Ok, it's been real..." and I felt weird about that). I told him basically these things:
-I didn't like that he pinned us "not talking" on me when it takes two to have a conversation
-I shut down when I don't feel heard or respected, which is why I didn't feel comfortable reaching out to him
-I have no desire to be in another relationship where I'm afraid to talk about my feelings
-his lack of reaction to us not talking made me think he either didn't care or was not willing to put up any kind of fight when things were less than perfect
-I wish him well and am just looking for closure vs wanting to argue
I wasn't sure if he would respond, but he did. On the surface, maturely (he even apologized, finally!), but really just the same selfish shit. He basically parroted the same stuff back to me and said he felt the same way. He felt hurt and disrespected and was too hurt to reach out.
Wait, what?? Hurt by what, exactly? Because I told him that I was hurt by something HE said? Wtf kind of childish shit is that? Part of me wants to ask for clarification but I think it best to leave alone at this point. I said what I had to say, I feel better in that sense.. and he responded in a way that confirmed the self-centeredness that got us here in the first place. I don't really want to salvage this, I just wanted some closure. Oy vey.
Got to say, I am not sure what closure you were really looking for. It seemed like you knew this was over and why it was over. Expecting him to have some sort of different response now just seems unlikely to me. But if it made you feel better to get that out then good for you, but sounds like it just pissed you off more.
I like some closure as well so I get it, just from what I read, it seemed like even though you left it open ended, that you actually had your closure because you knew exactly what was up with him at that point (selfishness).
Speaking of closure, actually just had one of the better closure experiences. I never met this girl, but we talked a lot on okcupid and even had a nice long phone coversation a few weeks ago. But she stopped responding to my texts so last night I just gave her my closure text, a simple good luck with her job search and nice talking to her blah blah blah and she actually had a very nice response about her reasons. It was nice to actually hear that and not just disappear. Granted it's much easier to have a happy ending when there are no emotions involved.
Tio, practice makes perfect with directing :lol
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Please no one take this in any way personally, but... I must be missing the "closure" gene. I just don't have it. There are times when I have specific questions I would like answered, and it's not like there aren't times I'm left mystified (I think I've mentioned one of them here). But I figure, I'm a big boy, if I want to text them I will, and if they want to text me, they will. I'm not THAT selfish that I don't understand that some people feel hurt, and some people are shy, and what not, and I try to account for that, but as a general proposition, I don't know that I can point to a case where there was the "grand finale" where I went from one (negative) emotion to another (positive) emotion.
Maybe it's because I'm stubborn, and almost all of my relationships have lasted longer than they should have (my marriage ended in 2013, and looking back, we should have called it "dead" circa mid-2010), so by the time they were done there was little left to talk about.
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Not everyone is willing to just let things disappear especially when there are emotions tied to it.
I would have never sent an "ending message" to that one girl normally, but our conversations were fairly deep and personal and I thought it would be nice to give it a proper ending. She said "You seem like a nice guy and the fact that you go out of your way to check in is really, really sweet. " Which is what I try to do and I'm glad she noticed and complimented me on that. It just makes me feel better about the situation and I'd imagine it made her feel better too knowing there wasn't some guy out there who might still be interested in her and there are no negative feelings now.
For me, I like the confirmation that it's over. No lingering around and questionable situations. No ghosting. Be respectful. At least for me, be respectful because I am very likely to only show respect towards you so I expect that same in return.
I still have a very bad taste left in my mouth from the girl who tried to ghost me last year. After 6 dates and a few hundred bucks spent on her as well as my time (travelled mostly to her), I thought it was ridiculously disrespectful of her to just ignore me (even more so due to the fact that the last time I saw her I was leaving her bed).
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Please no one take this in any way personally, but... I must be missing the "closure" gene. I just don't have it. There are times when I have specific questions I would like answered, and it's not like there aren't times I'm left mystified (I think I've mentioned one of them here). But I figure, I'm a big boy, if I want to text them I will, and if they want to text me, they will. I'm not THAT selfish that I don't understand that some people feel hurt, and some people are shy, and what not, and I try to account for that, but as a general proposition, I don't know that I can point to a case where there was the "grand finale" where I went from one (negative) emotion to another (positive) emotion.
Maybe it's because I'm stubborn, and almost all of my relationships have lasted longer than they should have (my marriage ended in 2013, and looking back, we should have called it "dead" circa mid-2010), so by the time they were done there was little left to talk about.
I wouldn't say I dwell on closure, but there are times when I'll want answers. I'll usually give it a cool down period though.
Before I met Victoria through Tinder, I had met another girl on there and went out on two dates with her. We texted all the time, knew plenty about each other, yadi yada. Seemed like a real good fit. I was away for the weekend camping and the texting continued. Then one night, literally mid conversation (no hesitation between our replies), she stopped texting back. I figured her battery died or something, so a few hours later I said goodnight, and that was that. Next morning, she didn't text me. It was clear by that evening she was done communicating.
About a ten days went by, and my last message to her was still the goodnight message. I finally texted her again and just said something like "Hey Leah. I told myself I wasn't going to do this, but could we chat for a minute about why this ended so abruptly? I'm not trying to change your mind, and I'm not upset or anything, but if it was something I do/did, I'd like to know for my future self's sake. You can be honest. You're not going to hurt my feelings".
She responded right away with an explanation. I don't know if I'd consider it closure. It's not like I was sick to my stomach over it. Just given the circumstances (mid conversation), it seemed a little odd and my curiosity got the better of me.
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And that example I feel is what is wrong with dating today. It's very easy to start chatting with someone and it's also very easy to just stop, but if you are communicating on such a nice/respectful level and even met, isn't it just respectful to let that person know your feelings have changed?
A girl I used to date, who I met on okcupid but am still friends with on facebook, had a little rant the other day publicly on facebook. I guess she feels ghosting is fine, because when she tells guys she is no longer interested, the guys end up turning into real assholes. Apparently making fun of her (calling her ugly or fat) and I guess that sort of mentality has left some women feeling it's better to just walk away without saying something? I feel like there is just so much wrong there on both ends. Some of the responses from different people to that facebook post were fascinating.
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Sorry, my hearing aid batteries are dying; am I to understand that "ghosting" is when you just up and disappear?
I think some of this is in the false expectation that 'texting' is the equivalent of face-to-face communications. I know it has it's place, and I do it too, but "texting" is not at all the same as meeting a person for a drink and engaging in face-to-face conversation, with nuance, context, subtext, and environmental (I LOVE the sound of a woman's voice, and I love smells, so both are lost there).
But it's interesting, because the one example I mentioned was almost exactly the same as Chino's, except that it wasn't "mid-text". And I did write a little note to her asking for some insight into what was going on. But even then, it was kind of BS. I tend to think an ex came back to her and she didn't want to say so.
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But in Chino's example and mine, we both went on dates. We met face to face and had no signs of stopping, yet that person just ghosted us (and yes you are correct in what it means). That's not really the same as just texting and stopping the text. I dont really get worked up about that because I don't put much emotion into texting until I meet the person and start to really get to know them.
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But in Chino's example and mine, we both went on dates. We met face to face and had no signs of stopping, yet that person just ghosted us (and yes you are correct in what it means). That's not really the same as just texting and stopping the text. I dont really get worked up about that because I don't put much emotion into texting until I meet the person and start to really get to know them.
I agree with you. If all you've done is text, ghosting is whatever. I personally wouldn't do it, but I've had it happen enough times where it doesn't phase me any more. However, we went out twice. That made it weird. If we just went out once and she ghosted, it'd be pretty easy for me to convince myself that she didn't think I was attractive enough, didn't like the fact I'm balding, or thought double fisting our first drinks was a little much. The fact that she at least liked me enough to go out a second time made it a little bit harder to swallow.
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(I LOVE the sound of a woman's voice, and I love smells, so both are lost there).
This is totally random but this reminded me that a few weeks ago I met up with an old friend for coffee and learned that she became a true blue naturalist hippie tree-hugging psychopath and while I am ALL for au naturale with a woman...I uh...there's a fucking line, lady. She literally smelled like I do after I don't shower for a day and then decide to go running for an hour and then vigorously work out for another hour and then decide 'hey, I'm alone for the day, I'm just gonna bask in my own musk, screw the shower'. Like for real, this lady would have made a caveman cringe. It was so bad. It was so god damn horrible. I get it, you are a natural beauty and you really are gorgeous, OH EXCEPT I KEEP GAGGING EVERY TIME YOU MOVE YOUR ARMS.
Christ almighty. There's a difference between a forest nymph who is almost all natural and a 100% walking armpit. I mean, I feel like if you're going to go AU NATURALE, just don't even use toothpaste or modern devices. Like, truly commit to it. Otherwise...how about you bite that bullet and put on even just some natural-ingredient FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-DEODORANT.
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:lol
Somewhat related, but that reminded me a bit from George Carlin complaint about men and cologne and your natural scent.
https://youtu.be/OxzD-GlcLOI?t=1m5s (https://youtu.be/OxzD-GlcLOI?t=1m5s)
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... didn't like the fact I'm balding, or thought double fisting our first drinks was a little much...
I read that WAYYYYY too fast the first time. :)
Anyway, good points. I definitely agree that if you have gone on multiple dates, "ghosting" is kind of lame.
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:lol
Somewhat related, but that reminded me a bit from George Carlin complaint about men and cologne and your natural scent.
https://youtu.be/OxzD-GlcLOI?t=1m5s (https://youtu.be/OxzD-GlcLOI?t=1m5s)
Absolutely, on the opposite end of that, that's alllmost worse than doing absolutely nothing. Except now I've experienced why someone at some point in time said "Jesus fucking christ guys, we need to cover our smell. We need to. WE HAVE TO" *murders everyone*. Carlin...brilliant man.
God it's amazing how relevant a lot of that still is (or TEN BILLION FOLD in regards to *snickers* cam-corders...god I remember cam-corders...except the ones that were 'personal' but so huge that they took two arms to hold).
20 fucking years later and his comedy is still just as relevant as it was then...holy shit.
I digress. :lol
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Tio, don't get me started about how golden George Carlin was with how spot on he is with his "free floating hostility" :lol
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George Carlin was a legend. I would have loved to have seen his opinions on the current state of America.
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I was lucky enough to see him in Vegas. As good as he was in those HBO Specials (I think he has like ten of them) he was even better live. Best comic I've ever seen live and it isn't even close.
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George Carlin was a legend. I would have loved to have seen his opinions on the current state of America.
Imagine the rant on Obama he would have made.
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Not really a joke, but one of my favorite quotes of his.
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/ac/93/5f/ac935f163f64a8f12a683e51892de92b.jpg)
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That's one of his best. I'm surprised there isn't a Carlin thread here already. Of course, his anti-religion rants were my favorite of his.
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That's one of his best. I'm surprised there isn't a Carlin thread here already. Of course, his anti-religion rants were my favorite of his.
"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure" :lol
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That's one of his best. I'm surprised there isn't a Carlin thread here already. Of course, his anti-religion rants were my favorite of his.
"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure" :lol
:lol I was just looking at that meme and was about to post it. I need to watch some of his stuff later on. Sam Kinison was my favorite until I heard George for the first time.
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That's one of his best. I'm surprised there isn't a Carlin thread here already. Of course, his anti-religion rants were my favorite of his.
"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure" :lol
:lol I was just looking at that meme and was about to post it. I need to watch some of his stuff later on. Sam Kinison was my favorite until I heard George for the first time.
Please, not directed at you in any way shape or form, but...
George Carlin : Jordan Rudess :: Sam Kinison : H. Jon Benjamin
(Someone will get that analogy, I'm sure.)
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I got nothing and have never heard of Sam Kinison. I googled him. If he cut his hair, he could be an Alex Jones stunt double.
(https://thelaughbutton.com/site2/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Sam-Kinison.jpg)
(https://thedailybanter.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/alex_jones_obama_terrorist.jpg)
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That's one of his best. I'm surprised there isn't a Carlin thread here already. Of course, his anti-religion rants were my favorite of his.
"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure" :lol
:lol I was just looking at that meme and was about to post it. I need to watch some of his stuff later on. Sam Kinison was my favorite until I heard George for the first time.
Please, not directed at you in any way shape or form, but...
George Carlin : Jordan Rudess :: Sam Kinison : H. Jon Benjamin
(Someone will get that analogy, I'm sure.)
I don't know who that is. :lol
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Does it mean that George Carlin is a smart comedian and Sam Kinison has a "funny" voice?
Ghosting after multiple dates is fucked up and does more harm than good. What is so fuckin hard about telling someone the truth? I just don't get how you could ignore someone you were in some way close to. (unless, of course, someone was told to fuck off and leave the other alone)
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Yeah, I have trouble speaking up at times but to just disappear? Nah.
I want to ask y'all your opinion on metal yoga guy when I'm less tired. To be continued...
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I basically just pictured X-Men's Colossus doing yoga.
Now I've got a boner. God damn it.
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I ended things with phonesexy over the weekend. We just have nothing in common and it was painfully clear on Saturday night that having a conversation not about sex with her was impossible.
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And that's a problem? ;)
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And that's a problem? ;)
For me it is. I am not against a sex only relationship, but I still wish to be able to have some sort of conversation. It really is that bad with her. Dinner was painful since it couldn't be dirty talk in public. Just made me realize she was not for me.
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I understand that. If she was a mental midget, I'd have a problem with it. I need there to be some kind of mental connection, though I'm not against a sex only relationship right now. Finding a serious relationship is eons harder.
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I understand that. If she was a mental midget, I'd have a problem with it. I need there to be some kind of mental connection, though I'm not against a sex only relationship right now. Finding a serious relationship is eons harder.
I would be fine with sex only. But yes, it became painfully obvious she was a mental midget and I was having a really hard time communicating on any level unless it involved sex.
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Was she one of the Tinder contestants?
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Was she one of the Tinder contestants?
She was from okcupid. I've been talking to a few girls on tinder, but I can't seem to get anything to work on tinder. All the women seem too flaky for me.
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I get what you mean, Cram...it's nice to have a physical relationship but mental ineptitude is a huge turn off for me as well. If the chick is doing nothing but talking about asinine things before we fuck, I'm not gonna want to fuck. If she talks about it afterwards, I'm not going to want to see her again. So even if it is physical for the most part...nothing is just sex. There is always something more even if it's minuscule. For fuck's sake, we at least need to be able to communicate properly. :lol
Good to hear you've got some standards that you're not willing to compromise for your lesser brain though. :police:
I've had to do the same a couple times. I mean, I do like to at least be friends with some of my fornication buddies. I cannot and will not be friends with someone who thinks that the Kardashian's are people to look up to and that Kanye West is a really hot fellow who has conspiracies going against him; let alone stick my beautiful penis into them. My penis is too good for you. (...and I did actually at one point have lunch with a chick who said those things and pretended that I got a call from (no ring? It's on vibrate, I wanted to be polite!) my sister who had just gotten in a car wreck, oh no gotta go) :| :millahhhh
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I get what you mean, Cram...it's nice to have a physical relationship but mental ineptitude is a huge turn off for me as well. If the chick is doing nothing but talking about asinine things before we fuck, I'm not gonna want to fuck. If she talks about it afterwards, I'm not going to want to see her again. So even if it is physical for the most part...nothing is just sex. There is always something more even if it's minuscule. For fuck's sake, we at least need to be able to communicate properly. :lol
I perhaps would have phrased it differently, but this. I'm sure I had my moments in college, what with a coed dorm and all, but for the better part of my adult (read: fornicating) life, there has to be SOMETHING to grease the skids between the initial contact and the actual sex, and then again from the sex to the door closing. I don't know if it is a good trait or bad, but while I can obviously look at a woman from a distance and appreciate JUST her beauty, when it comes to a living breathing person I have to interact with, I can't JUST limit it to the sex part.
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Was she one of the Tinder contestants?
She was from okcupid. I've been talking to a few girls on tinder, but I can't seem to get anything to work on tinder. All the women seem too flaky for me.
Tinder is still a mystery to me.
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Tio and Stadler, glad to see someone sees it the way I do as well. So many guys say they will fuck girls and blah blah blah, but I cannot get myself to just fuck someone that I have no interest in on some sort of personal level. I mean that, if I am going to have any sort of relationship even only physical, there needs to still be some sort of level of communication that I enjoy. This girl was great on the level of sex talk, but after 3 dates and a bunch of phone conversations, I felt like I still didn't even know her one bit. Nor did she know me. Everytime I try to talk about anything, it got spun into a sexual way.... which is fun and most of the times, I enjoyed that.... but at some point it needs to be something more than that. She kept wanting to call in the evenings for phone sex, I kept finding excuses not to because honestly, it was fun the first couple times, but after that I'd rather just watch porn.
Saturday night she came over and couldn't recall one personal thing I told her about myself. She may have a bad memory, but she seemed to recall the dirty thing I said a week earlier... but couldn't tell me my brother's name who lives with me and she met and I've talked a few times about in conversation. Dinner was a disaster in terms of having any sort of conversation. I had to end the night after dinner, I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled a move similar to Tio's to get out. I felt so bad about it. I still do, but I needed to get out.
Anyway, got home from work and fired up okcupid and saw this:
I'm really good at....crafting, cooking, and Netflix binge watching.
Really? You are really good at netflix binge watching? I don't get it at all... my lonely heart is feeling so frustrated by this. >:(
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Blegh, sounds like you and phonesexy hit your expiration date. Sex talk and stuff is fine, but if there's not much substance that shit gets old.
I know it's all frustrating, but there will be better ones!
I basically just pictured X-Men's Colossus doing yoga.
Now I've got a boner. God damn it.
:lol, not quite.
Okay, so here's the situaion:
First date: Beer and sushi, great conversation, good sex.
Second date: dinner and art, more great conversation, cuddling because we were both exhausted and he had to get up early.
Third "date": he brought his partner (woman he's been dating a while, obviously polyamorous) to a reading I did. She was super cool but we didn't get to talk much and they left at intermission, which was a bit awkward but fine. He said later they wanted to enjoy some quality time together on their date night (vs. watching a bunch of assholes read ridiculous shit from their teenage diaries- I get it haha).
Fourth date: He came over this past Friday, cooked dinner (with some help from me), we listened to music and had more good conversation, then we watched Insurgentes and both fell asleep for a bit on the couch. He gave me a hug and left. He had to get up sort of early so that was fine, but not even an effort for a kiss or anything. I didn't feel comfortable going in for it, nor did I feel comfortable trying to snuggle up or put my arm around him during the movie, because it almost seemed like he sat just far away from me enough to make that weird. Like, as much of a pansy as I am I normally would make some sort of move to at least touch a person I've slept with, but I was not getting those sort of vibes at all.
I'm trying to figure out if:
A. He really was just super tired and that's why his vibe was weird, because it sounded like he had an exhausting week
B. He's just not a super horny/sexual guy (which is just really weird for me, and I often don't last very long with those types)
C. He's even more shy than me when it comes to making moves, and I need to be more aggressive (also don't do well with those types for very long; I'm such a sub :lol)
D. He's just not into me that way anymore all of a sudden
E. ??
I'm too chicken to say something, but I did text him a bit ago (we haven't talked since Friday) telling him I hope he had a good weekend and thanks again for the food and good company. I guess if he doesn't answer by tomorrow (he's a bit of a slow texter) I'll know where we stand. I'm not head over heels for him or anything, but I really like talking and hanging with him. And fucking him, the one time. So I'm not sure what to make of all this, but I'm too busy/tired to be too anxious about it.
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I think the fact he didn't kiss you goodbye means something considering you have slept together. I feel that is kind of odd. Do you think his other partner had some sort of issue with him and you? I think the polyamorous part makes this much harder for me to understand since I am not familiar with that lifestyle, but it seems like the 3rd date was where things changed a bit.
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Yeah, I have to say, I'm at a total loss here. Maybe I don't understand the poly thing as much as I thought I did, but it doesn't seem like there's any ready or obvious answer. Except maybe, he's just that guy (we all know ONE guy like this) that just literally does what he wants, when he wants, on his schedule and on his terms.
That's not me; a relationship is as much giving as it is receiving, and there are times when you have to make the effort to offer your partner the things that you hope they are offering you, even if it isn't the top three thing on your list of things you want to do. Personally - and Jackie, don't read this as being critical of the guy - I would have sat through the people reading shit from their teenage diaries because it was important to you. If I needed "quality time" with my girlfriend, I wouldn't have brought her there to start with.
I think all I can offer you is, he is clearly making sure he gets what HE needs from the people around him, and you should make sure you are getting what YOU need from the people around YOU, full stop. If you need that contact, if you need that fucking, if you need that whatever, and you aren't getting it, and it's not seeming to be the kind of relationship where compromise is a part of the menu ... find someone who will give it to you. Pun intended :)
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:lol, true that.
So I hadn't heard from him last night, but the partner actually sent me a Facebook request... and I'm not even frinds with him on there. I accepted her request and sent a hey message, and we exchanged a couple of casual messages this morning. So no, I don't think it has anything to do with her.
He finally replied to my message this afternoon, said he had a good but busy weekend, and asked how mine was. I was busy with work and kinda forgot about it until later on, when I sent him a response but still haven't heard back. I'm wondering if maybe he just doesn't have a lot of energy to give. Which is fine, because I sorta feel the same way, but I would have liked him to give me something :p
On another note, I had a lady date with somebody from OKC tonight, which went well. We talked nonstop for about three hours and basically had to force ourselves to leave. She drove me home (we met at a place maybe half a mile from me so I walked there). She told me this was her first date with a woman! She's fucked women before, but never actually gone on a date. So I realized after all the awkward silence that I was going to have to make the move. I asked if she would be offended (why the fuck did I use that word? :lolpalm:) if I kissed her. She said no, and I came inside with lipstick on my face :hat
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:metal
Good to hear, playa!
And yeah, my half cent on the metal yoga guy (throw is ass away if he isn't a Colossus yogi, the fuck you doin!?) is time will tell if he's Jackie worthy...sounds like you answered you own question about the temporary lack of intimacy before what with the lack of his energy and him probably just being a bit absent-minded, libido worn out. Which is good cause that means you can spray your pheromones all over him and get him into your cock cave (TM) some other time.
Sooo tonight I had this insane revelation that I'm not sure why never occurred to me before and Facetime'd my traveling ladyfriend whilst I had a sudowoodo and she was totally into it. Except about halfway through our (admittedly awesome, hot) Sextime (TM...actually that's probably already TM'd) session, I had the amazing insight to say aloud:
*fapfapfap dirtytalk dirtytalk*
Penis: "Ey....hhmm.."
Vagina: "WHAT!? PAN BACK DOWN"
Penis: "Do...do you think it's possible that someone intercepted this Facetime and is watching us and/or recording or that somehow the government is getting off to our awesome sexiness?"
Vagina: "..." "............" *Pans up to face* >:( >:( >:( >:( >:(
*Ends Facetime*
Penis: "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO GOD DAMN CREATIVE, GEORGE!?!?!?"
She texted me later that for such an offense I shall have to repent somehow. Which I'm guessing means pay for an outing and then go down on her for a very long time and then not get release myself afterwards. Actually I'm almost entirely positive that's what's going to happen. Which I'm still pretty much okay with because I'm an abomination of a man. But for the most part joked afterwards and admitted that she was too tipsy to think on if my comment was insane or insanely plausible and ended the call in a panic and laughed about it afterwards. Still. God damn it. It was pretty damn fun. I cannot believe I hadn't ever thought of that before or done that before.
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Tio, there is a website out there that has hacked many webcams that haven't had their passwords changed. It is very possible for someone to hack a webcam and watch what's going on although highly unlikely.
Just booked a work trip to Denver next week, want to go on a date Jackie? :lol
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Well I mean, it was on our iPhones, but even so, I'm sure that's still totally doable. Maybe even more so. I'm not sure how the hacking of phones would work. But yeah as far as webcams, I don't even use mine anymore because a former friend of mine all but lives in the digital world, whom I wouldn't doubt for a second is watched in some form by big brother and has shown me in person a couple times that he's hacked webcams. :| We don't talk anymore... Shit is nuts and all too easy if you're already in the know about such things, apparently. Or he's a lot freakier and better at that than I thought... Yeesh.
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I'd imagine it's possible with phones, but the webcames are the easy target.
If interested, from Shark Tank, some dude tried to pitch the idea of a piece of plastic to cover your webcam. Product is stupid, but the discussion between this guy and the sharks is not only relevant to this discussion, it's also somewhat funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_GBx9v8c5A (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_GBx9v8c5A)
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I keep a piece of tape over my work computer's webcam.
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I don't think that's paranoid or anything close to it at all, Chino. Probably a pretty good idea, especially for a work computer given how many companies (even the multi-billion dollar worldwide ones) have the absolute worst security on the fucking planet.
I didn't watch the cilp but yeah that product and idea sounds dumb as all fuck for precisely what Chino just mentioned. :lol
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I don't think that's paranoid or anything close to it at all, Chino. Probably a pretty good idea, especially for a work computer given how many companies (even the multi-billion dollar worldwide ones) have the absolute worst security on the fucking planet.
I didn't watch the cilp but yeah that product and idea sounds dumb as all fuck for precisely what Chino just mentioned. :lol
Cuban says he wouldnt buy it and use a post-it. They eat that guy up, but talk a bit about the reality of webcam security.
I also thought the same thing, I guess Chino's company doesn't have a trustworthy network.
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Ah, nice. :lol Yeah post-it is probably the best option.
Man, my dad works for one of those multi-billion dollar worldwide companies, they're in the oil business; not directly, but more that they sell biological 'bugs' that clean up and eat the oil and such in refineries, spills, maintenance, balance of the tanks materials, etc. And holy fucking shit...their security department is run by half-wits and dipshits. They're using technology that was outdated half a decade or more ago. It's kind of like they're this big badass army and just randomly decide to give their soldiers BB guns here and there. It's ridiculous. Tons of companies out there like that...I can't fathom it.
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I could see at work, even the company itself wanting a glimpse into the secret life of it's employees (and I would imagine they are within their rights to do so if it is their hardware).
But - and of course I don't mean YOU, specifically, Tio, because I think I speak for all of us when I say that I'm sure it would be worth being a fly on the wall for you and your lady friend's freaky shit - I can't see there being huge demand to have the half-assed, poorly lit, shaky, grainy, and otherwise wholly unerotic cellphone-cam homemade kink videos. I mean, after all, it takes seven characters to enter the world of unlimited free, some professionally shot, erotic videos.
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So I realized after all the awkward silence that I was going to have to make the move. I asked if she would be offended (why the fuck did I use that word? :lolpalm:) if I kissed her.
I find this so ironically funny. In a cute way :laugh:. It's like it's always on the guy to man up and make the first move. (I know some women are totally willing to make the first move) But what if there's no guy? I just never considered the situation where a woman would have the same thoughts and also ask that question. For some reason you don't think :facepalm: until after you already say it.
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So I realized after all the awkward silence that I was going to have to make the move. I asked if she would be offended (why the fuck did I use that word? :lolpalm:) if I kissed her.
I find this so ironically funny. In a cute way :laugh:. It's like it's always on the guy to man up and make the first move. (I know some women are totally willing to make the first move) But what if there's no guy? I just never considered the situation where a woman would have the same thoughts and also ask that question. For some reason you don't think :facepalm: until after you already say it.
Makes for a memorable first kiss and you can always laugh about it later if things work out.
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I could see at work, even the company itself wanting a glimpse into the secret life of it's employees (and I would imagine they are within their rights to do so if it is their hardware).
But - and of course I don't mean YOU, specifically, Tio, because I think I speak for all of us when I say that I'm sure it would be worth being a fly on the wall for you and your lady friend's freaky shit - I can't see there being huge demand to have the half-assed, poorly lit, shaky, grainy, and otherwise wholly unerotic cellphone-cam homemade kink videos. I mean, after all, it takes seven characters to enter the world of unlimited free, some professionally shot, erotic videos.
:lol :heart
Oh absolutely, I'm not in any serious way worried about that at all, I found it funny she ended the call and took it seriously given my proclivity to spout off random thoughts at all times of the day.
I would however like to mention that that shit is HIGH DEF AS FUUUUCK now. I mean really, we both have an iPhone 6 and I was amazed. I haven't used Facetime for years...I think since iPhone 4, and even then it was fairly nice, though looked like ancient relics compared to now.
But yeah there are still plenty of oldschool-camera-phone users out there who I'm sure do the same except it looks like they're watching a grainy Minecraft porn video. No way that unless you're a celebrity or an already watched hacker who just so happens to have boobs and be smoking (which, come on now...come ooonnnn), no one is gonna be tapping into that kind of stank.
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Just booked a work trip to Denver next week, want to go on a date Jackie? :lol
Oh man, that would make the Lonely Hearts Club thread realllllly awkward. But seriously, when are you here?? We should at least try to get a beer and take a photo of us flipping the bird.
So I realized after all the awkward silence that I was going to have to make the move. I asked if she would be offended (why the fuck did I use that word? :lolpalm:) if I kissed her.
I find this so ironically funny. In a cute way :laugh:. It's like it's always on the guy to man up and make the first move. (I know some women are totally willing to make the first move) But what if there's no guy? I just never considered the situation where a woman would have the same thoughts and also ask that question. For some reason you don't think :facepalm: until after you already say it.
Makes for a memorable first kiss and you can always laugh about it later if things work out.
True that.. and yeah, I'm so used to the dude being the aggressor so it makes it weird uncharted territory. The other gal I've been seeing is pretty forward so wasn't an issue with her.
And :lol as usual, George. Your stories are the best.
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Well I mean, it was on our iPhones, but even so, I'm sure that's still totally doable. Maybe even more so. I'm not sure how the hacking of phones would work.
I knew this sounded familiar. I watched the Entourage movie again last night and Drama is having iPhone sex with some hottie when her boyfriend walks in. After a little antagonizing from Drama, TMZ later breaks with a celeb sex tape, "Johnny's Banana," him beating it on a deck chair :rollin.
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Well I mean, it was on our iPhones, but even so, I'm sure that's still totally doable. Maybe even more so. I'm not sure how the hacking of phones would work.
I knew this sounded familiar. I watched the Entourage movie again last night and Drama is having iPhone sex with some hottie when her boyfriend walks in. After a little antagonizing from Drama, TMZ later breaks with a celeb sex tape, "Johnny's Banana," him beating it on a deck chair :rollin.
:lol that was pretty funny
Just booked a work trip to Denver next week, want to go on a date Jackie? :lol
Oh man, that would make the Lonely Hearts Club thread realllllly awkward. But seriously, when are you here?? We should at least try to get a beer and take a photo of us flipping the bird.
We both post here after with our reflections :lol
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Just booked a work trip to Denver next week, want to go on a date Jackie? :lol
Oh man, that would make the Lonely Hearts Club thread realllllly awkward. But seriously, when are you here?? We should at least try to get a beer and take a photo of us flipping the bird.
We both post here after with our reflections :lol
Any chance of a live stream?
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Next thing you know there's a DTF "DTF thread" and we're having DTF DTF-condoms made.
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Well, this thread took a turn, dinnit?
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Just booked a work trip to Denver next week, want to go on a date Jackie? :lol
Oh man, that would make the Lonely Hearts Club thread realllllly awkward. But seriously, when are you here?? We should at least try to get a beer and take a photo of us flipping the bird.
We both post here after with our reflections :lol
Any chance of a live stream?
I think that would require Tio. He has experience with camera skills.
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Come to moi for all your ass and balls needs!
Tio's: We Get Up In There.
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:rollin
So I was too tired to post about this last night, but I had a date with this OKC guy that went really well. The funny thing is, I almost wanted to cancel it because I was so tired and he seemed cool but I wasn't super attracted to his pictures or anything, but I am glad I stuck with it! He was way cuter in person- he has a great smile and very charming disposition. Like he's just very happy and enthusiastic, and his energy is good. We seem to have a lot in common, including a love for fancy beer and cheese. He is from Vermont and has an Italian background, so we had a lot to talk about there. He paid for our dinner at this Belgian beer place and then we decided to go to a brewery nearby (where I paid, but not nearly as much :lol). We had really good conversation that went from PG rated to X rated when we switched venues for some reason, and both agreed that we should have a "play" date. We made out heavily in the car and he said some shit that made me blush :lol. I drove him to the bus station (he lives in Boulder, which is the only bummer, and didn't want to deal with parking in the hood we met in) and we made a date for next weekend.
Of course, once I got home (and got off :lol) I started to ask myself questions like "Oh god, is this too good to be true?" Because the energy we had sorta reminded me of the really shitty relationship I had a few years ago (with the guy who didn't tell me he was engaged, started doing meth, and so on). So I was thinking shit, is he just a sociopath that has sucked me in with his manipulative energy and now he's going to suck the life out of me??
I know it's mostly irrational and I'm trying not to bring my baggage too much into it, but thanks to David the Douche I'm now much more leery of charming people. Like, just because my gut says all systems go doesn't mean I should trust it, unfortunately.
BUT I'm just going to go with the flow and enjoy it. If I see any actual red flags that's one thing, but this is more just me being a bit gun shy.
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Nice! Actual nice guys who are also nice to look at are the best them. :metal I really don't think it's bad at all to be super cautious, it's far better than the alternative. You pretty much said it perfectly though: Enjoy it but don't be blinded by the bliss.
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Stop over thinking this and enjoy Jackie. You'll get more of a sense over time. Think of it as a test drive.
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A TEST DRIVE WHERE THE CAR TURNS SENTIENT AND TRIES TO RUN YOU OFF A CLIFF.
Sorry I'm about to watch a cheesy horror movie. Done.
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Or Robin Williams with a huge stach oggles you.
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Nice! Actual nice guys who are also nice to look at are the best them. :metal I really don't think it's bad at all to be super cautious, it's far better than the alternative. You pretty much said it perfectly though: Enjoy it but don't be blinded by the bliss.
This. Nothing wrong about being safe to protect yourself and your feelings, but try not to let your past relationship get in the way from enjoying what you have in front of you. Easier said than done I know.
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A TEST DRIVE WHERE THE CAR TURNS SENTIENT AND TRIES TO RUN YOU OFF A CLIFF.
Sorry I'm about to watch a cheesy horror movie. Done.
Never stop :lol
And yeah, I know, I'm trying to be cautious but not too cautious. I'm honestly too busy and exhausted to invest that much in somebody right now, especially a guy who lives 40 minutes away, so the chance of it getting crazy like with David is very slim anyway.
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A TEST DRIVE WHERE THE CAR TURNS SENTIENT AND TRIES TO RUN YOU OFF A CLIFF.
Sorry I'm about to watch a cheesy horror movie. Done.
Never stop :lol
And yeah, I know, I'm trying to be cautious but not too cautious. I'm honestly too busy and exhausted to invest that much in somebody right now, especially a guy who lives 40 minutes away, so the chance of it getting crazy like with David is very slim anyway.
Take it from someone who spends an hour every week talking with a professional about his Olympic-worthy skill on over-analyzing...
Just let it happen. You'll know the signs if they're there. DO trust your gut. I have a saying: "Man plans, God laughs". After my divorce, I said I wasn't going to ever remarry, and while I don't have the constitution to "fuck my way across Connecticut" literally, that was sort of the mindset. Here I am two and a half years later, married, and as happy as a clam.
I'm not suggesting that this is "The Guy", who the fuck knows, certainly not me. But I can tell you that if you go in with the idea that he's NOT, he won't be. If that makes sense. Be kind to yourself, and trust your instincts, bruised though they may be (that actually works to your advantage).
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Yeah, I totally hear that. I guess the first step is recognizing you have a problem, right? :lol
I know he's not the same guy or anything, but it just makes me nervous because things started out in a similar way and spiraled into utter insanity very quickly. And my gut told me I SHOULD have David in my life, which is why I tend to doubt it at times. But yeah, right now my gut is saying good things and it's just my brain over thinking it. I of course will give him a fair chance until I see bad signs, but hopefully there won't be any of those :)
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Wow, had my first Tinder success story this weekend. :biggrin: :hat
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I'm using this app called Happn which uses your location to tell you who is in proximity to where you are. Naturally you would need the GPS enabled on your phone for this to work, like Tinder.
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Wow, had my first Tinder success story this weekend. :biggrin: :hat
Details plz :p
Guys, I have a hideous cold sore :(
Let's hope it clears up before my next date...
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Wow, had my first Tinder success story this weekend. :biggrin: :hat
Details plz :p
Guys, I have a hideous cold sore :(
Let's hope it clears up before my next date...
And people say Muslim women don't have an advantage.
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Wow, had my first Tinder success story this weekend. :biggrin: :hat
Details plz :p
Guys, I have a hideous cold sore :(
Let's hope it clears up before my next date...
And people say Muslim women don't have an advantage.
:rollin
as for details, matched with this girl Friday. Likely I had swiped right on her sometime back awhile ago one night when I was in NYC, since that is where she lives. We chatted Friday and Saturday very friendly and I pretty much told her Sunday morning that since she lives in NYC and me in Jersey that this probably wouldn't work out and that I was leaving for Denver on Tuesday so I through out the idea that since I wasn't working Monday, today (Sunday) I could actually get into the city and meet up. She actually agreed. A couple hours later we were drinking german beers in the upper east side. We hit things off really well and we had a blast. I told her I needed to stop drinking so I could drive home and she said no lol I would be sleeping at her place so drink up, so we could plastered and went back to her place for the night.
The thing is, I think I really like this girl. I kind of set it up to just be a one time thing, but after meeting her and being with her, I wish there could be more. Maybe there will be, we talked a bunch yesterday as I told her that I really enjoyed our time together, but I don't want to get too worked up over this because the distance thing will still be an issue.
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Did she touch your penis?
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:lol, my guess is yes.
And yeah, distance stuff blows buuut if you really end up liking someone you find a way to make it work.
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:lol, my guess is yes.
And yeah, distance stuff blows buuut if you really end up liking someone you find a way to make it work.
:lol
And if you don't really end up liking them, it's really easy to cut it off.
P.S.
I hope you guy's don't mind me hanging out in this thread even though I'm not single. You're good people and good discussion goes on in this thread.
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Oh yeah, I used to hang here all the time when I was more attached.
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P.S.
I hope you guy's don't mind me hanging out in this thread even though I'm not single. You're good people and good discussion goes on in this thread.
GTFO
:biggrin:
Yea, it's not so much a distance, but also cost since getting into the city is really expensive. I was pretty honest about not being serious due to the distance issue, but after discovering how awesome she is, I was also honest yesterday in telling her that as well. We'll see what happens. What is cool is she only lives a couple blocks from my sister. I'm trying really hard not to put much thought into this, but I can't help but think about her. :facepalm:
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It fits. Most people in dedicated relationships are the loneliest motherfuckers I know.
:angel: :heart
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An update to my situation i detailed in a previous post (a couple of pages ago).
I talked to my friend and we chatted a for a bit. I told him I had something to tell him and I explained what's been going on and why I felt I needed to tell him. He appreciated that I told him and he "gave his blessing" with a chuckle. He then voiced his concerns but things changed after I told him. I've messaged him a few times on unrelated things but never got a response. I just found out that he unfriended me on FB. It sucks since we've been bandmates and friends for 11 years.
On the other hand, I've been out and hung out with my girlfriend :) (It's a long distance thing, she lives an hour and a half away). We still text a lot and are planning on hanging out this weekend.
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That's the world we live in now. People apparently have a problem saying what they mean. If he had enough of a problem with it, why not say so instead of saying it was cool? People are funny :\.
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For someone who said he was your friend, you'd expect a friend to say how he really feels about that situation, not be cool with it and just ditch you like that. I complain about a date who ghosts you, but a friend who does that is way worse.
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I complain about a date who ghosts you, but a friend who does that is way worse.
I had a best friend that essentially ghosted me, twice! Fool me once :rollin.
On yeah, way to go cram :hat. Is Tinder worthwhile? I might give it a shot. I'm gonna be in NYC in a month and it might be fun :yarr.
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I complain about a date who ghosts you, but a friend who does that is way worse.
I had a best friend that essentially ghosted me, twice! Fool me once :rollin.
On yeah, way to go cram :hat. Is Tinder worthwhile? I might give it a shot. I'm gonna be in NYC in a month and it might be fun :yarr.
I've been on tinder for a year and a half and finally had something positive from it. Everyone has thier own experience. It's worth it just for the swiping alone, but don't put all your hopes into it. NYC is a great place though for tinder since you'll get thousands of people within 1 mile.
As for the Tinder girl, we are still talking and may try to meet up in Connecticut this weekend (long story of why there).
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Whoever said "its better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" knows nothing about pain.
What you don't know about can't hurt you.
The relationship that was the first thing to bring me happiness in this life is breathing its last breaths and I don't think its going to make it. Its not been a good day and I feel like I am falling apart.
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Sorry, but honestly I agree with that thought. I'd imagine you had plenty of good times before that have lead you to this point. The pain is only there because the pleasure was so good before, or the love was there. The pain will go away. Once again, sorry because it is really tough and difficult, but you will overcome.
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Whoever said "its better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" knows nothing about pain.
The relationship that was the first thing to bring me happiness in this life is breathing its last breaths and I don't think its going to make it. Its not been a good day and I feel like I am falling apart.
Firstly, it was Tennyson.
Secondly, you're taking it too literal. This is going to sound like Illumination Theory but you can't know pain without love. You need one to understand the other. You can't have light without dark or love without hate.
I empathize with how you feel right now. I've been an emotional train wreck the last couple of years because of unstable relationships. Last summer was fucking torturous. I lost over fifty pounds in the last year or so. I spent all of my free time on my couch desperately trying to find some joy. I must have rewatched Dream Theater videos on YouTube hundreds of times because I just did not know where to turn for a smile or some reminder of who I used to be. I'm still jaded. I still feel insecure. You will go through the same thing, but you will get better. To paraphrase Marillion, you will see the blue sky above the rain. I wish I had some magic advice to make it easier for you but there isn't any. That's the reality of it. It'll pass though. In time it will pass.
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(((Phoenix)))
I know exactly where you are, man. My sympathies. It DOES get better, trust me.
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Sorry, but honestly I agree with that thought. I'd imagine you had plenty of good times before that have lead you to this point. The pain is only there because the pleasure was so good before, or the love was there. The pain will go away. Once again, sorry because it is really tough and difficult, but you will overcome.
Amen.
That reminds me! Hey guys, look at this creep I went out with tonight:
(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v296/erotomaniac/Mobile%20Uploads/20160217_220723_zpsrdhtmc0f.jpg)
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Definitely looks like a creep
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Definitely looks like a creep
Very true, but she means well.
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Definitely looks like a creep
Very true, but she means well.
On snap!
I started chatting with this woman that lives nowhere near me, several states away. She seems like fun ;). Very flirty and sexual. But she told me some of the things online guys have asked her to do. Offered a LOT of money to have some guys baby. Some guy wanted to pay her to fuck his BIG dog! Several thousand for a month's worth of unlimited sex. :rollin
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I don't have the link anymore, but I read an online article yesterday about a moderator for a popular online dating site and the things he/she saw. That type of stuff is quite normal apparently, as well as the nigerian prince scam which apparently people still fall for.
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Sorry, but honestly I agree with that thought. I'd imagine you had plenty of good times before that have lead you to this point. The pain is only there because the pleasure was so good before, or the love was there. The pain will go away. Once again, sorry because it is really tough and difficult, but you will overcome.
Amen.
That reminds me! Hey guys, look at this creep I went out with tonight:
(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v296/erotomaniac/Mobile%20Uploads/20160217_220723_zpsrdhtmc0f.jpg)
Isn't that the international symbol for "SOMEONE CALL MY CELL, QUICK AND SAVE ME FROM THIS BAD DATE!!"? I think it is....
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:rollin
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:lol
Definitely looks like a creep
Very true, but she means well.
On snap!
I started chatting with this woman that lives nowhere near me, several states away. She seems like fun ;). Very flirty and sexual. But she told me some of the things online guys have asked her to do. Offered a LOT of money to have some guys baby. Some guy wanted to pay her to fuck his BIG dog! Several thousand for a month's worth of unlimited sex. :rollin
Jaysis! I've never gotten any offers that good :|
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Oh right, sure Jackie, REAL COY. Fine. Two foot massages for ONE sexy time.
Final offer.
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:lol
Definitely looks like a creep
Very true, but she means well.
On snap!
I started chatting with this woman that lives nowhere near me, several states away. She seems like fun ;). Very flirty and sexual. But she told me some of the things online guys have asked her to do. Offered a LOT of money to have some guys baby. Some guy wanted to pay her to fuck his BIG dog! Several thousand for a month's worth of unlimited sex. :rollin
Jaysis! I've never gotten any offers that good :|
I have proof to the contrary.
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Nah, I washed it off.
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After seeing this girl on the ferry and subway every day for weeks and just exchanging smiles and hellos, I finally decided to start up a conversation with her. She's a bit younger than me, but she speaks intelligently, and that's a major selling point for me, so we'll see what happens. I didn't get her number yet, but we did have a nice conversation.
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After seeing this girl on the ferry and subway every day for weeks and just exchanging smiles and hellos, I finally decided to start up a conversation with her. She's a bit younger than me, but she speaks intelligently, and that's a major selling point for me, so we'll see what happens. I didn't get her number yet, but we did have a nice conversation.
Awesome, I never have the balls to do something like that.
Looks like the Tinder girl and I might have a date set up on Sunday afternoon in New Haven Connecticut. I'm going up to Hartford Saturday night for the Nightwish concert and tossed the idea of stopping in the city on my way home for lunch, but turns out she will also be in Connecticut and our ride homes might time out perfectly to meet up in New Haven. I'm very excited for this. I threw the idea out there and she ran with it, planning the whole thing to meet up. I really like that, she is doing something all of the girls I have dated never do, actually show some desire to plan something and not just be like "whatever, you decide". I guess that's why she is professionally an event planner.
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After seeing this girl on the ferry and subway every day for weeks and just exchanging smiles and hellos, I finally decided to start up a conversation with her. She's a bit younger than me, but she speaks intelligently, and that's a major selling point for me, so we'll see what happens. I didn't get her number yet, but we did have a nice conversation.
Awesome, I never have the balls to do something like that.
Looks like the Tinder girl and I might have a date set up on Sunday afternoon in New Haven Connecticut. I'm going up to Hartford Saturday night for the Nightwish concert and tossed the idea of stopping in the city on my way home for lunch, but turns out she will also be in Connecticut and our ride homes might time out perfectly to meet up in New Haven. I'm very excited for this. I threw the idea out there and she ran with it, planning the whole thing to meet up. I really like that, she is doing something all of the girls I have dated never do, actually show some desire to plan something and not just be like "whatever, you decide". I guess that's why she is professionally an event planner.
Do you have plans yet? Take her to Bar (that's the name of the place) in New Haven. Great beers brewed there, awesome atmosphere, and pizzas that make the top 25 list nationally every year.
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After seeing this girl on the ferry and subway every day for weeks and just exchanging smiles and hellos, I finally decided to start up a conversation with her. She's a bit younger than me, but she speaks intelligently, and that's a major selling point for me, so we'll see what happens. I didn't get her number yet, but we did have a nice conversation.
Awesome, I never have the balls to do something like that.
Looks like the Tinder girl and I might have a date set up on Sunday afternoon in New Haven Connecticut. I'm going up to Hartford Saturday night for the Nightwish concert and tossed the idea of stopping in the city on my way home for lunch, but turns out she will also be in Connecticut and our ride homes might time out perfectly to meet up in New Haven. I'm very excited for this. I threw the idea out there and she ran with it, planning the whole thing to meet up. I really like that, she is doing something all of the girls I have dated never do, actually show some desire to plan something and not just be like "whatever, you decide". I guess that's why she is professionally an event planner.
Do you have plans yet? Take her to Bar (that's the name of the place) in New Haven. Great beers brewed there, awesome atmosphere, and pizzas that make the top 25 list nationally every year.
She sent me a list of some of New Haven's famous pizza places, I haven't had a chance to go through it. Honestly not looking to drink since I expect to be beyond exhausted by the time it is Sunday afternoon and I'll still have a few hours drive home.
BTW, since I reached out to you before.... ONE ticket finally went on sale on stubhub for that concert and it cost me about 100 over face value :lol
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Damnnn. That's crazy.
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After seeing this girl on the ferry and subway every day for weeks and just exchanging smiles and hellos, I finally decided to start up a conversation with her. She's a bit younger than me, but she speaks intelligently, and that's a major selling point for me, so we'll see what happens. I didn't get her number yet, but we did have a nice conversation.
Awesome, I never have the balls to do something like that.
Looks like the Tinder girl and I might have a date set up on Sunday afternoon in New Haven Connecticut. I'm going up to Hartford Saturday night for the Nightwish concert and tossed the idea of stopping in the city on my way home for lunch, but turns out she will also be in Connecticut and our ride homes might time out perfectly to meet up in New Haven. I'm very excited for this. I threw the idea out there and she ran with it, planning the whole thing to meet up. I really like that, she is doing something all of the girls I have dated never do, actually show some desire to plan something and not just be like "whatever, you decide". I guess that's why she is professionally an event planner.
Nice. I hope it works out. I haven't been to New Haven since the Petrucci/Portnoy clinic at Toad's Place.
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After seeing this girl on the ferry and subway every day for weeks and just exchanging smiles and hellos, I finally decided to start up a conversation with her. She's a bit younger than me, but she speaks intelligently, and that's a major selling point for me, so we'll see what happens. I didn't get her number yet, but we did have a nice conversation.
Awesome, I never have the balls to do something like that.
Looks like the Tinder girl and I might have a date set up on Sunday afternoon in New Haven Connecticut. I'm going up to Hartford Saturday night for the Nightwish concert and tossed the idea of stopping in the city on my way home for lunch, but turns out she will also be in Connecticut and our ride homes might time out perfectly to meet up in New Haven. I'm very excited for this. I threw the idea out there and she ran with it, planning the whole thing to meet up. I really like that, she is doing something all of the girls I have dated never do, actually show some desire to plan something and not just be like "whatever, you decide". I guess that's why she is professionally an event planner.
Do you have plans yet? Take her to Bar (that's the name of the place) in New Haven. Great beers brewed there, awesome atmosphere, and pizzas that make the top 25 list nationally every year.
This is an outstanding suggestion. When it comes to pizza, you'll likely get pointed to Pepe's and Sally's, both great, but Moderne is the way to go, it's not far from Pepe's and Sally's (which are right next to each other). All three have the advantage of some of the best Italian pastries and desserts you'll ever have right down the street (though I can't remember the name of the place; i'll look it up if you need me to).
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Can Stadler and I come as third and fourth wheels? It shouldn't be hard to explain to your lady friend.... "Yeah, uh, these are two dudes I also met on the internet. Is it okay if they come eat pizza with us?"
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Can Stadler and I come as third and fourth wheels? It shouldn't be hard to explain to your lady friend.... "Yeah, uh, these are two dudes I also met on the internet. Is it okay if they come eat pizza with us?"
:lol why not go for a 2nd DTF lonely hearts meet up this week
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Can Stadler and I come as third and fourth wheels? It shouldn't be hard to explain to your lady friend.... "Yeah, uh, these are two dudes I also met on the internet. Is it okay if they come eat pizza with us?"
Oooh pizza. Count me in.
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Can Stadler and I come as third and fourth wheels? It shouldn't be hard to explain to your lady friend.... "Yeah, uh, these are two dudes I also met on the internet. Is it okay if they come eat pizza with us?"
Hahaha, I'm in on that.
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:lol, that would be amazing if you guys just stood/sat awkwardly close to them the whole time.
Guys, Adami is on a date RIGHT NOW. Do you think there has been penetration yet?
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:hat
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Wow, my first semi-success with Tinder. She actually asked me if I wanted to go out this weekend, but I have my daughter so I told her Sunday night.
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Wooo!
I have a date tomorrow with the guy who I had the unexpectedly good date with but started to question the good vibes (let's call him Vermont). I warned him that it would likely be PG-rated because I have this gross cold sore and was bleeding (not so much anymore) and he still wanted to hang out, so I guess that's a good sign :lol.... we are supposed to get dinner and wine and watch a movie (possibly Secretary :eyebrows:) at my place.
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And a second Tinder response. Hmmm, what the fuck is going on here.
I saw Secretary a few years ago. Good movie. Maggie Gyllenhaal is cute, so it's much more intriguing seeing her in the movie as opposed to, say, someone like Madonna who practically wears that lifestyle on her sleeve.
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:lol, that would be amazing if you guys just stood/sat awkwardly close to them the whole time.
Guys, Adami is on a date RIGHT NOW. Do you think there has been penetration yet?
Spiritual penetration.
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The best way to get to the physical. ...
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No means yes...?
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Now we know your secret to punanni John.
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My secret is that there is no secret. :lol
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:lol, that would be amazing if you guys just stood/sat awkwardly close to them the whole time.
And not say a word.
Or better yet, Chino can be Waldorf to my Statler (yes, that's where the name comes from, I just spelled it wrong) and we can comment on the date while it's happening.
No offense, Cram, because I want you to have the best date ever and meet your soulmate, but I would enjoy the crap out of that like no one's business.
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I saw Secretary a few years ago. Good movie. Maggie Gyllenhaal is cute, so it's much more intriguing seeing her in the movie as opposed to, say, someone like Madonna who practically wears that lifestyle on her sleeve.
I haven't seen the movie, but I know what it's about... hope I don't offend anyone here but I think that is SOOOO sexy when the image and the reality don't exactly jibe in that way. When there's more under the hood, so to speak. Nothing hotter than a cute girl-next-door, plain-Jane, librarian, and yet... Olympic-level GGG. And it's exceptionally frustrating the other way - you meet a girl with red hair, shaved on the side, a chain connecting her nose ring to her ear ring, a full sleeve of tattoos... and only into missionary sex in bed with the lights off. Wha?????
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No offense, Cram, because I want you to have the best date ever and meet your soulmate, but I would enjoy the crap out of that like no one's business.
No offense taken :rollin
Made it from Colorado to Connecticut and she is in New Hampshire now. We will be meeting at noon in New Haven for pizza ( I'm not saying where :biggrin:) and then going to go to the aquarium. Assuming we both aren't too hungover that is. So pumped for Nightwish and Delain tonight, only thing better would be if she were here with me now and spent the night in the lovely Holiday Inn :lol
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Yay, have fun!
I saw Secretary a few years ago. Good movie. Maggie Gyllenhaal is cute, so it's much more intriguing seeing her in the movie as opposed to, say, someone like Madonna who practically wears that lifestyle on her sleeve.
I haven't seen the movie, but I know what it's about... hope I don't offend anyone here but I think that is SOOOO sexy when the image and the reality don't exactly jibe in that way. When there's more under the hood, so to speak. Nothing hotter than a cute girl-next-door, plain-Jane, librarian, and yet... Olympic-level GGG. And it's exceptionally frustrating the other way - you meet a girl with red hair, shaved on the side, a chain connecting her nose ring to her ear ring, a full sleeve of tattoos... and only into missionary sex in bed with the lights off. Wha?????
Preach! People being super vanilla is always a disappointment for me.
Inspired by this, I took the "How GGG are you?" Test on OKC because I've been called that before, and my result was "You're not GGG, you're pure unadulterated kinkness! There might be one or two things you wouldn't do, but only because they don't fit your own kinks. Here's hoping you find a truly GGG person or a fellow kinkmeister to help you with the thrills you enjoy!" :lol
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"Kinkmeister" is an amazing word.
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"Kinkmeister" is an amazing word.
:lol coming from a German, seems fitting you'd like it. I think that's a fine word as well.
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I haven't seen the movie, but I know what it's about... hope I don't offend anyone here but I think that is SOOOO sexy when the image and the reality don't exactly jibe in that way. When there's more under the hood, so to speak. Nothing hotter than a cute girl-next-door, plain-Jane, librarian, and yet... Olympic-level GGG. And it's exceptionally frustrating the other way - you meet a girl with red hair, shaved on the side, a chain connecting her nose ring to her ear ring, a full sleeve of tattoos... and only into missionary sex in bed with the lights off. Wha?????
No offense taken at all. I totally agree with you. That's why I have a librarian fetish. Don't get me wrong, I also love a tattooed and pierced woman, but when the inside doesn't match the outside, there's an innocently-coated treat just waiting to sink my teeth into.
Preach! People being super vanilla is always a disappointment for me.
Inspired by this, I took the "How GGG are you?" Test on OKC because I've been called that before, and my result was "You're not GGG, you're pure unadulterated kinkness! There might be one or two things you wouldn't do, but only because they don't fit your own kinks. Here's hoping you find a truly GGG person or a fellow kinkmeister to help you with the thrills you enjoy!" :lol
Vanilla is not a term I like. When I joined FL, I knew I wasn't a vanilla but I also wasn't someone who was overly interested in hardcore BDSM and such. I was hoping to find the term I most associate with myself, dissolute. But alas, it was not there, so I chose the next best word, hedonist. Life really is all about pleasure, and indulging in things that pleases oneself. After all, if you're not enjoying something or getting off (literally and metaphorically) by doing it, what's the fucking point, right? Altruism can only take you so far before you realize something is missing. This is why the book I've been forever working on is temporarily entitled Dissolute: Indulgence and Ecstasy For The Impassioned Mind.
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Nice... Although I think pleasure is great, I wouldn't say I identify quite as a hedonist. Because I think it goes both ways- if that's all you're after, you'll also eventually realize something is missing.
Sooo, I had my date with Vermont tonight and it went really well. Good dinner, good conversation, good... other stuff. Of course I am being cautious and trying not to throw myself too much into it, but my gut is still telling me good things. We seem to mostly be on the same wavelength sexually, which is nice. He lives far away, which is both a blessing and a curse at this point- sucks for travel but makes it easier to ease my way into things when I can't see him all the time. I do want to see him again soon, and am hoping he is free next Friday cause that's pretty much all I've got for two weeks.
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Nice... Although I think pleasure is great, I wouldn't say I identify quite as a hedonist. Because I think it goes both ways- if that's all you're after, you'll also eventually realize something is missing.
You misunderstand me. When I say it's important to enjoy something, I don't necessarily mean I'm always on the receiving end. Yes, I seek pleasure for myself. However, it brings me great pleasure going down on a woman, so win-win, no? :)
Sooo, I had my date with Vermont tonight and it went really well. Good dinner, good conversation, good... other stuff. Of course I am being cautious and trying not to throw myself too much into it, but my gut is still telling me good things. We seem to mostly be on the same wavelength sexually, which is nice. He lives far away, which is both a blessing and a curse at this point- sucks for travel but makes it easier to ease my way into things when I can't see him all the time. I do want to see him again soon, and am hoping he is free next Friday cause that's pretty much all I've got for two weeks.
I'm glad to hear it went well. Just pace yourself like you said. Distance can be a killer if you start to develop stronger feelings for someone than you originally intended.
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Well, it's not a terrible distance, I'd say 40-45 without traffic but there is often some traffic going up there. Again, right now I'm kinda glad for that. And neither of us have a ton of time (he works and is in school) so I doubt we could see each other more than weekly regardless of how into each other we are. If we switch off, even driving an hour every two weeks would be totally doable.
So metal yoga guy and I had that weird date where I was finding him hard to read, and I haven't heard much from him in the last two weeks or so. I finally texted him today (after over a week without a reply from him) to inquire about a show he told me his band was playing tonight. Turns out his band is not playing tonight, but that's all I got from him. I said something like "so how are you? Haven't heard from you in a while" and never got a response. That was about eight hours ago, so I'm not putting any more effort into this shit. If he wants to initiate a conversation/hangout, fine, but I'm kinda done with the pulling teeth that is texting this dude. He took down his OKC profile, so I'm guessing he's just too busy to be dating right now.
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You did what you could. It's on him now and it seems like he's not even interested so it's his loss. Maybe he'll come around eventually, but don't hold your breath.
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Sorry about Metal Yoga, but look on the bright side, Vermont seems to be a cool dude!
My date in New Haven went really well. Went to Frank Pepe's for some pizza. We were both a bit hung over from our previous night's activities, but we were able to have some good conversation and enjoy the pizza. We then drove down to Norwalk and went to the aquarium for a couple hours and then we went our separate ways back home. Couldn't of asked for a better weekend. I'm really feeling like I am falling for this girl. She seems to have all of the qualities that I look for.
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What will you do then, especially regarding the distance?
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What will you do then, especially regarding the distance?
No idea. She told me she is willing to come out to NJ, which was really nice to hear since I feel it's hard to get city dwellers without cars to come out (she rented one for the weekend). We both said we want to hang out again, but have not made any plans yet. This week is going to be busy with work and I have to work the weekend for my project so who knows when we find the time to meet up again, but I know I am really looking forward to it.
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That's great. I think, for now, you should just have fun with it.
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Definitely. Glad you had a good time! Distance sucks but you'll make it work if you both are willing to put some effort in.
Soo longer story but I texted metal yoga guy asking what the deal was and he basically told me he had been busy but also felt like we weren't necessarily romantically compatible. I told him I agreed and also didn't have much to invest but we both agreed we would still like to hang out occasionally. So that's that. Glad I put it out there and basically got the answer I expected.. ALTHOUGH the one word he used to describe me in his text was "nice" and I thought that was really lame :lol
I have a lady date tomorrow and then MAY see Vermont again Friday but he hasn't gotten back to me yet.
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"nice" is better than "not nice" :biggrin: it is what it is, you seem to have known that was coming so now you know and you can move on and enjoy your lady date and maybe now have more time to focus on Vermont since you seem to really be interested in him.
NYC gal and I have a date set for Thursday night, she will take the train out to near where I work and we will just do a dinner in the area so she can get back home easily as can I. Got too much going on this weekend otherwise I'd invite her over for the evening which she seems interested in doing, just got to find more time to make it work.
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Fuckin' time. There's never enough.
And yeah, I'm not upset over this dude but I do feel like we initially had compatibility. Then he sort of backed away IMO. Maybe I did something to turn him off or he didn't like my vagina.
So many times, especially at work with the old folks, I have seen or heard people say that when one spouse died, the other either died soon after or was ready to go right away because that other person was basically their universe. Am I fucking crazy for finding that not at all appealing?? That your existence is so tied up with somebody else you don't want to live without them? I know, it's sweet and romantic... but meh.
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I'm of the belief that love/relationships/romance/whatever is such an intensely personal thing that it really shouldn't matter what others think or feel, because the only thing that matters is how you feel. Many people want that forever and a day relationship, others simply don't. Romance is often put on a pedestal as an ideal but it's only an ideal for those who want it. You might find yourself happy without that kind of intensity, and there is nothing at all wrong with that.
The circumstances through which we live I think play directly into how we perceive relationships, too. The way my life played out, I am happy I've found the one person who makes me feel whole. Would I have been happier having casual relationships with many different people? I don't know, because it didn't play out that way, and what I have now is so special to me I don't really wonder about it. If I had different experiences when I was younger, maybe it would be different now.
All that rambling is to say no, you are not crazy for not thinking what you hear about spouses unappealing. It isn't necessarily for you, and I think there is no better judge for what is right for you, than you.
Or something....
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I think you should keep in mind that these are older folks and the ones saying that may have been together for 40+ years. Life with this person is all the know? It might be terribly unappealing if it were a young individual, but I'm sure some feel that way when they lose a spouse young.
But NO, you're not crazy at all. I do have a question though. I know you love your independence, you don't want anything serious, and you don't want to be exclusive with anyone (sorry if I got any of that wrong). But what happens if you meet someone you really like. And then he/she turns out to not be a flaky deuche and really enjoys being with you and doesn't fuck that up. Is there a possibility at all that you could find yourself so happy with this person that you could be happy in a long term exclusive relationship? I guess I'm wondering if the right person could change your perception of that idea?
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Fuckin' time. There's never enough.
And yeah, I'm not upset over this dude but I do feel like we initially had compatibility. Then he sort of backed away IMO. Maybe I did something to turn him off or he didn't like my vagina.
Not specifically about YOUR vagine, because I, well, have no fucking idea, but as a general proposition, I can't possibly fathom backing away from a girl because of her entertainment center. Bad kisser, sure. Hygiene as a general proposition, sure. But that?
So many times, especially at work with the old folks, I have seen or heard people say that when one spouse died, the other either died soon after or was ready to go right away because that other person was basically their universe. Am I fucking crazy for finding that not at all appealing?? That your existence is so tied up with somebody else you don't want to live without them? I know, it's sweet and romantic... but meh.
I don't think you pick it. I don't think it's something that is "appealing" or not in that sense, but rather it's something that... you wake up and you've been with that person for 50+ years, and that's that. I know that is my parents. They just celebrated 51 married years, and they spend EVERY GODDAMN MINUTE OF EVERY FUCKING DAY together. They haven't slept in different beds even for one night, in I can't tell you how long, but DECADES. But I can tell you they didn't set out to have that happen, it just did.
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Right, but it seems like that's the ideal most people are looking for, at least a lot of people I know and everybody in the movies :lol
I know everybody is different and yeah, I am sure it just happens... it just kind of blows my mind.
And I was kind of joking about the vagina thing :lol... but I am wondering if something specific turned him off since we seemed to have a good start. Maybe we just blew our collective wad quickly.
I know you love your independence, you don't want anything serious, and you don't want to be exclusive with anyone (sorry if I got any of that wrong). But what happens if you meet someone you really like. And then he/she turns out to not be a flaky deuche and really enjoys being with you and doesn't fuck that up. Is there a possibility at all that you could find yourself so happy with this person that you could be happy in a long term exclusive relationship? I guess I'm wondering if the right person could change your perception of that idea?
Not really. I wish the answer could be yes, on some level, because that would make my life a lot simpler. But I simply do not think I'm wired to be monogamous. It's what I always thought I wanted in my younger days, and it has worked for brief periods, but it never lasts.
To be honest, I had that person in my life and I basically pushed him away because I knew I couldn't give him what he wanted. He is still in my life and we still see each other a couple times a year (he's in TX), but we have not been a "couple" in the traditional sense in 4+ years. When I finally admitted to myself I couldn't force myself into the monogamy box, I knew I was just going to hurt him if I kept things going the way they were, so I told him that.
He is the only person I've ever been able to envision myself married to or having a family with, but the only way that could happen is if it was not a closed marriage. And if we were in the same state. But I stopped him from moving to Colorado years ago and probably fucked up the chance of that ever happening. *sigh*
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Right, but it seems like that's the ideal most people are looking for, at least a lot of people I know and everybody in the movies :lol
I know everybody is different and yeah, I am sure it just happens... it just kind of blows my mind.
In movies, yeah! But in real life...not so much. Maybe it's different in different countries and cultures but here in Sweden, we are getting a lot more tolerant and open to many different kind of sexualitites and relationsship types. For example, I'm a member of a Facebook group for singles to interact and perhaps find "the one". But what the one is for one person is a BIG difference to another, all the proof you need for that is to look at the ads that people put up. Some wants polygamous relationsships, others calls themselves pansexual, and so on. It makes me happy to see people embracing who they are and what they want. :)
But that being said, I'm the most stereotypical guy you could ever meet. :lol I'm a white, heterosexual dude who wants a monogamous relationsship. I may be open to something casual but I know myself - at the end of the day, I need the full attention of the one I'm together with.
And I've been single for a year now and I finally feel like it's time to go out there and meet someone. Just not sure yet how I will go about doing that.
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Right, but it seems like that's the ideal most people are looking for, at least a lot of people I know and everybody in the movies :lol
I know everybody is different and yeah, I am sure it just happens... it just kind of blows my mind.
I totally get that; but - and I'm not arguing here, just explaining how I'm thinking about this - I think that's why I say it "just happens" as opposed to plans. I thought - deeply, honestly - that when I got married (I waited until I was 30) I would be married for life. But it didn't work out that way. "Man plans, God laughs" and all that. I think it's really the human tendency to want to look back in hindsight and explain everything with a nice neat little bow. Plus, movies. Hell, they're still trying to convince us that Julia Roberts is hot and sexy and attractive (that woman does NOTHING for me. If I was Richard Gere I would have said, "no, honey, the girl behind you...")
Not really. I wish the answer could be yes, on some level, because that would make my life a lot simpler. But I simply do not think I'm wired to be monogamous. It's what I always thought I wanted in my younger days, and it has worked for brief periods, but it never lasts.
To be honest, I had that person in my life and I basically pushed him away because I knew I couldn't give him what he wanted. He is still in my life and we still see each other a couple times a year (he's in TX), but we have not been a "couple" in the traditional sense in 4+ years. When I finally admitted to myself I couldn't force myself into the monogamy box, I knew I was just going to hurt him if I kept things going the way they were, so I told him that.
He is the only person I've ever been able to envision myself married to or having a family with, but the only way that could happen is if it was not a closed marriage. And if we were in the same state. But I stopped him from moving to Colorado years ago and probably fucked up the chance of that ever happening. *sigh*
I totally get that frustration, but you have no idea how much I for one respect your self-honesty. I'm more traditional when it comes to what I personally want, but in terms of generally, the one thing I can't fathom at this point in my life is why anyone would invest time, money, emotions in someone they can't be themselves with. If you like Star Wars figurines, then by God, tell that woman straight out that "The room downstairs is going to be wall-to-wall Star Wars figurines, bitches!!" If you KNOW you're not going to be able to maintain the monogamy with any degree of happiness, you owe it to yourself and the person you allegedly love (meaning, if you REALLY love them, you'll be honest with them) to put it on the table. Who the fuck knows? Maybe that guy will call you and say "You know, you're worth it. Do what you have to do." Maybe he'll say "I don't want to know" and "don't embarrass me with it" but he'll be able to let you live your life (I don't know if that will do it for you but you get the point).
I know that I remarried relatively quickly after my divorce primarily because I got these things (my deal breakers are more towards Star Wars figurines than polygamy, but still).
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I used to feel like I not only wanted to, but society was steering me to be a traditional american couple. Met the girl in college, dated for many years, bought a house together, got engaged, invested my money into our future... thought my life was going down the path of most married couples and living "the american dream" until it all came crashing down. "man plans, god laughs" :lol yea that.
I have such a different outlook on life now. I no longer feel the need to have a relationship that will lead to anything. I'd rather focus on being happy NOW than try and figure out a way to force a relationship down my throat, which looking back, is exactly what I did. My past relationship was forced, not just by me, but by her as well. We both just got to a point where even though we were unhappy, we were continuing going through the motions because I know I felt like that's what not only was expected of me from society (family, friends), but also because I think I was forcing the idea on myself that I need to get married and live the typical life. I couldn't see myself doing anything else. Until it got to the breaking point that is.
Now, I don't feel any pressure to succumb to any lifestyle that people think I should be living, fuck that. I enjoy my life a million times more now that I "do what I want" (within reason of course). I do feel that if I were to find the right person I would fall into a typical couple lifestyle, but I need the right person and to that point, as seen in this thread before, I've become very picky and has lead me to break up with almost every single girl I have dated. But that is because I am not going to settle for anything but happiness. I will keep searching for that person, but it's not my goal. I don't go into any date thinking "I hope she is the one" I have more of the mindset "I hope we have fun and if so, then we will see where it goes" (and I don't mean that in only a sexual way). It also bothers me when I meet a woman and she says or implies something to make me feel like she is deliberately searching for "the one" because I feel like that's forcing the issue and would potentially lead to getting stuck in the same place I was 2 years ago.
Anyway, I've noticed I completely stopped talking to the other girls I was chatting with and have been focusing in on only this one girl from my tinder success story. I'm just really digging this girl. She was drinking last night so I got a few drunk texts of really nice things which was cool because she kind of opened up about being shy with saying anything along the lines of "i like you" so while her actions were showing it, it's also nice to hear (or read) it from her. We have a date tomorrow night, and I think next week I will be in the city for a work event and we will meet up after so our distance issue, for now, seems to be working. We also talked about her coming out and spending a weekend with me in Jersey. I am really excited to see her again.
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Aww, that's awesome news! And yeah, I totally hear what you're saying about just going with it and not going into a date with this "plan" of what you want down the road. That would definitely turn me off if I had experiences like the ones you mentioned.
Stadler, you totally hit that shit on the head. The older I get the more trouble I have trying to be something I'm not. You're right, I had to be honest about where I was at because I loved him. Still do, really. I'm not sure where it's going, but I guess l will cross that bridge when it comes.
When we first started dating he was definitely strictly monogamous. We tried an open relationship for a while because I was feeling suffocated (I had literally JUST gotten out of a mono relationship when we met and had intended to just have fun with dating, then things got serious fast)... but that did not work out well so we went back to mono. We were in NJ at the time. I moved out here and we did the long distance mono thing for two years. I was in grad school and too busy to think about anybody else's penis, really, but as soon as I graduated I ended up cheating and realized I could not sustain that shit. So basically since September of 2011 we have been...unlabeled... and see each other occasionally. I brought it back up with him in 2014 and asked if he was okay with the way things were, because I didn't want him to feel held back by me if he wanted to pursue something serious with somebody else. He said he didn't feel that way and was okay with where we were at. We haven't talked about it since, and I don't know how much he's dated (when I asked he said "not really....") but he knows about one specific guy I had a thing with.
If we both end up in the same place and he's willing to accept where I'm at, awesome. If not, I guess I will have to do life without him. Which would suck, but I would understand. He shouldn't have to compromise that if it's something he feels strongly about, either.
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Well then it's interesting that i asked asked nthat question. This guy is your litmus test on monogamy. If it's not him, it's based for you to imagine it being anyone. So when you come to that bridge down the road, and you're happy with where you're at, so is he, and you want to keep him in your life, would you ever think that you two should kick ass together? I guess it's hard to know what we'll be thinking in the future, but I'm wondering if you're committed to polygamy the same way people commit to monogamy, even if they're not in a relationship.
That's awesome cram! I thought about bringing up the long distance topic just as a point of discussion.
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I wouldn't say "committed" is the word (maybe because I hate commitment :lol) but I would say I've realized I don't think I can operate any other way for an extended period. I'm not opposed to monogamy and I've tried it.. and who knows, maybe in ten years I'll have a change of heart. But I don't think that's the type of thing that just fades away.
I really would love to have this guy in my life forever and as you say, kick ass together... but not if that means forcing either of us to go against our nature.
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I wouldn't say "committed" is the word (maybe because I hate commitment :lol) but I would say I've realized I don't think I can operate any other way for an extended period. I'm not opposed to monogamy and I've tried it.. and who knows, maybe in ten years I'll have a change of heart. But I don't think that's the type of thing that just fades away.
Maybe, maybe not, but - and I am NOT trying to subversively advocate monogramy; if anything I am overtly advocating for being authentic, and you seem to be already there - this is what I meant by "no plans". There are plenty of things that I would have - at 25 or so - thought I'd NEVER concede or compromise, and yet... they just seem to fade in importance. I used to drink a LOT and often, and it just seems that I don't have the stomach and the desire to do that like I used to. I'm lucky if I have a glass of wine with dinner now, but it wasn't through ANY effort whatsoever. It just... was. If he's cool with letting life play out, then perhaps that's the best way to go.
I really would love to have this guy in my life forever and as you say, kick ass together... but not if that means forcing either of us to go against our nature.
Speaking of "Hollywood"... I see a movie here!!
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Man, I really should write some screenplays. And yeah, you're right. I like the idea of letting it play out as long as he's also fine with it.
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I'm not opposed to monogamy and I've tried it.. and who knows, maybe in ten years I'll have a change of heart.
I'm counting down the days.
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I want to have your deformed Jew babies, Adami. Just give me a few more years to slut it up.
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Awesome date last night, did Hibachi and mini golf. Had two hole in 1s and kicked her ass :lol But seriously, very good date and we have some serious chemistry. I really can't wait to see her again. I mentioned that I am surprised a city dweller came out to Jersey, a big reason why I never thought to seriously date someone from the city and she said it was worth it and would be worth doing again. :metal :metal :metal
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You couldn't go for the third hole-in-one?
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You couldn't go for the third hole-in-one?
Well I could, and I did, I just failed :lol
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Oh snap :lol
Glad it went well though!
Vermont cancelled our date tonight due to being burnt out. I'm sorta relieved because I'm feeling the same way, and we are going to try and do dinner next week before I leave for Chicago.
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I had a first date tonight with someone I'd been talking with on match. Our conversation was good, and she didn't seem to be too serious about things, so I figured it would be fun. But all the while not sure if she's my type, and she's 37 which is much older than most of the other women I've gone out with. Even sitting in my car killng a few mins because she was running late, I had this feeling that I'd rather be somewhere else. Partially nerves, partially not really sure what I want out of this. The whole night was a pleasant surprise. More attractive than her pictures, very easy to talk to, really down to earth. The last two first dates I went on, the conversation going in was good, one was REAL good. But I left the date with no interest in a second and talked the neither one again. This was different. She wants to do something next week, so I think it could be potentially fun.
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Awesome! That's kinda how I felt about Vermont.
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Good stuff Sylvan.
Sometimes I get that feeling right before a first date too, do I really want to do this? Maybe something else would have been more fun? But when you are done and you realize you had a good time, that is the best.
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I'm supposed to meet someone tomorrow night. I started speaking her in December. We spoke through text for a few days and then happen to run into each other on the Staten Island Ferry coming home from work one day. A week after that we just kind of stopped talking. The other day I saw her post a photo on Facebook of her with her dog and wanted to see how she was doing. We've been talking since then and we're going to meet up tomorrow. She's really really sweet and she's this really tiny and petite girl but it's cute. She can't even be 5' tall. More importantly, she works with children that have similar afflictions to my daughter's so she is extremely sensitive to her situation which is a big deal to me.
I had a first date tonight with someone I'd been talking with on match. Our conversation was good, and she didn't seem to be too serious about things, so I figured it would be fun. But all the while not sure if she's my type, and she's 37 which is much older than most of the other women I've gone out with. Even sitting in my car killng a few mins because she was running late, I had this feeling that I'd rather be somewhere else. Partially nerves, partially not really sure what I want out of this. The whole night was a pleasant surprise. More attractive than her pictures, very easy to talk to, really down to earth. The last two first dates I went on, the conversation going in was good, one was REAL good. But I left the date with no interest in a second and talked the neither one again. This was different. She wants to do something next week, so I think it could be potentially fun.
I'm glad to hear it went well. I've never really had that nervous feeling going into a date, so I can't relate, but I can understand why people do. It's can be a completely nerveracking situation. My frustration comes with the online search. :lol
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Awesome Prog, that's cool that she can relate with your daughter. Hope that works out for you tomorrow night
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Thanks. I don't think it'll be an issue of how she is on the date. I think it's all on what I want and how far I'm willing to let it go. I don't mean sexually; I'm speaking in an emotional sense. Like with all of the others I've spoken to recently, I could just walk away because I'm afraid of commitment again, and I've become ridiculously picky.
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I could just walk away because I'm afraid of commitment again, and I've become ridiculously picky.
Pretty much how I've become as well
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Sometimes I feel like I'm better off single and should just wait until I find exactly what I want.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm better off single and should just wait until I find exactly what I want.
Well agreed, but I know I would never find what I want if I didn't go out and try some samples which is essentially dating.
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Why is it that whenever I complain about dating, someone responds to me on OKCupid. :lol You're right though. That's what keeps me going. Knowing that it won't just fall into my lap. Barring a lap dance of course.
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Knowing that it won't just fall into my lap. Barring a lap dance of course.
:lol
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I once got a stripper's phone number after a lap dance. I never called her.
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I once got a stripper's phone number after a lap dance. I never called her.
You monster.
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I once got a stripper's phone number after a lap dance. I never called her.
You monster.
Imagine what that did to her self esteem. She may have tried drugs for the first time after that disappointment. :hat
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:blush
I'm a terrible person.
Also, I had a three-person date tonight :D
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Also, I had a three-person date tonight :D
Do tell more :biggrin:
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I cancelled the date last night...
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I cancelled the date last night...
Why?
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Because this is what I do. I start talking to someone and start to like them, and then when it's time to show my hand, I fold. It's something in my head, some kind of block that's either filling me with fear or indifference. Most likely fear. I feel like shit after it and I break down but it's just impossible to figure out. I did not sleep at all last night. That makes three nights in the last week.
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John, you'll never know, experience the other person without taking the dive. As nervous as you are it's a good nervous. Don't look inward thinking the worst of yourself but think that the nerves are a good thing and look forward to the date.
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What are you so scared about though? Scared to get attached or scared to get rejected?
As Buck Rogers said in episode 1 of Vinyl "You've got to face your fears, face yours fears.... face your fears"
I've found the hardest thing is to get out of the car sometimes. First dates when I arrive, if I sit in that car I start to get nervous and question myself, but once I force myself out of the car, all of that smoke in my head disappears and its go time. Time to be yourself and see if you can woo the woman. Got to put all of those thoughts in your head to the side and be confident in yourself.
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John, you'll never know, experience the other person without taking the dive. As nervous as you are it's a good nervous. Don't look inward thinking the worst of yourself but think that the nerves are a good thing and look forward to the date.
What are you so scared about though? Scared to get attached or scared to get rejected?
As Buck Rogers said in episode 1 of Vinyl "You've got to face your fears, face yours fears.... face your fears"
I've found the hardest thing is to get out of the car sometimes. First dates when I arrive, if I sit in that car I start to get nervous and question myself, but once I force myself out of the car, all of that smoke in my head disappears and its go time. Time to be yourself and see if you can woo the woman. Got to put all of those thoughts in your head to the side and be confident in yourself.
I'll respond to both of you at the same time.
It's not that I'm thinking the worst of myself. I'm just concerned about getting close to the other person. I do not want to go through another destructive breakup. It's another person to introduce into my daughter's life eventually. She doesn't understand certain things. When she asked where Natalie and Shannen were (my ex-gf and her daughter), and I had to tell her they weren't coming around anymore. The look of confusion and sadness in her eyes broke my heart. She adored them. I can't even talk about it without getting choked up. Sure, break my heart I'll get over it. But what are the ramifications on a five year old who hasn't full grasped the concept of loss? What if she really does understand it but can't express it because of her limited vocabulary? I know I need to just take that risk or else I'll never get anywhere. I know.
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I don't have a child so I guess I didn't think of that, but how long could you date someone without your daughter knowing? I mean just meeting someone I would imagine you can do without her having to know/meet them. Where I am going, is that maybe you could hold off on your daughter meeting and growing an attachment to someone until you know that person is worthy?
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That's what I'd like to do, ideally. Give it time before I let her meet Gianna. That's exactly what I want to do. So I know I'm getting ahead of myself right now.
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It's not that I'm thinking the worst of myself. I'm just concerned about getting close to the other person. I do not want to go through another destructive breakup. It's another person to introduce into my daughter's life eventually. She doesn't understand certain things. When she asked where Natalie and Shannen were (my ex-gf and her daughter), and I had to tell her they weren't coming around anymore. The look of confusion and sadness in her eyes broke my heart. She adored them. I can't even talk about it without getting choked up. Sure, break my heart I'll get over it. But what are the ramifications on a five year old who hasn't full grasped the concept of loss? What if she really does understand it but can't express it because of her limited vocabulary? I know I need to just take that risk or else I'll never get anywhere. I know.
Understanding very well that the world changes when there are kids involved (my wife's kids were 6, 15, and 20 when we met... maybe 5, 14, and 19... I forget... anyway...) and mine was ugh, here we go again...12, maybe? 13? Anway, we waited almost six months before we introduced them into the equation. Not suggesting that you should have (or not) done that; I'm not judging you, I'm just commiserating with you.
But besides kids, the best thing one can do is simply take it one date at a time. Literally, every date, view it as 5 hours, with nothing before and nothing after. You don't have to TELL her this (because she'll probably not take it well) but as a sort of mindset, it's very helpful. You kind of avoid the baggage and the buildup of expectations that way. It's not easy to do, but it CAN be done, and if you have the insight and help of a therapist (as I did) it becomes a little easier. I'm a CHRONIC over-thinker, and I do get a sort of anxiety before dates (I've never "not walked in", but I have had that moment in the car thinking "what the FUCK am I doing here???") and I'm not sure this will totally get rid of that feeling, but it will alleviate some of the "is this right for me?" and "am I wasting my time here?" feelings.
It helps with decisions, too. I know for me, after a period of time, it becomes crystal clear (or at least a lot clearer than it usually is) whether you should continue on with this person or not. You're making the call based purely on whether you like this person or not, and not because of inertia, or momentum, or some artificial thing that shouldn't be involved in the first place.
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I understand what you're saying and thank you for the input. I also fall into the trap of chronic overthinking, just because I've become so damn protective of my daughter and myself. Taking it one date at a time is all I can do. There used to be a time where I wouldn't worry so much, where I would have no expectations and whatever happened, happened. That's what I need to get back to. I was less stressed and enjoyed the new women from week to week without the worry of feelings being involved.
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John please don't take this as a dig, just my two cents based on where I've been:
It seems a bit like you're using your daughter as an excuse. I'm not saying there's no validity to your feelings around that, it just seems like you're mostly scared for you but it's easier to hide behind a little girl's feelings, yknow? If you avoid experiences and relationships because of what might happen down the road, you're going to have a pretty unfulfilling life.
And frankly, if you're going to turn around and run every time you start to develop feelings you should not be putting yourself out there in the first place. It's not fair to the other people involved IMO. I've been burned that way a few times and it fucking sucks.
(I'm not at all criticizing because I've done my fair share of pushing away when things get super serious, but I think lately I've been more honest about what I want/what I can give in putting myself out there.)
Also, I had a three-person date tonight :D
Do tell more :biggrin:
We watched Return of the Living Dead, ate Asian food and got naked ;D
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John please don't take this as a dig, just my two cents based on where I've been:
It seems a bit like you're using your daughter as an excuse. I'm not saying there's no validity to your feelings around that, it just seems like you're mostly scared for you but it's easier to hide behind a little girl's feelings, yknow? If you avoid experiences and relationships because of what might happen down the road, you're going to have a pretty unfulfilling life.
And frankly, if you're going to turn around and run every time you start to develop feelings you should not be putting yourself out there in the first place. It's not fair to the other people involved IMO. I've been burned that way a few times and it fucking sucks.
(I'm not at all criticizing because I've done my fair share of pushing away when things get super serious, but I think lately I've been more honest about what I want/what I can give in putting myself out there.)
Also, I had a three-person date tonight :D
Do tell more :biggrin:
We watched Return of the Living Dead, ate Asian food and got naked ;D
At the same time?
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John please don't take this as a dig, just my two cents based on where I've been:
It seems a bit like you're using your daughter as an excuse. I'm not saying there's no validity to your feelings around that, it just seems like you're mostly scared for you but it's easier to hide behind a little girl's feelings, yknow? If you avoid experiences and relationships because of what might happen down the road, you're going to have a pretty unfulfilling life.
And frankly, if you're going to turn around and run every time you start to develop feelings you should not be putting yourself out there in the first place. It's not fair to the other people involved IMO. I've been burned that way a few times and it fucking sucks.
(I'm not at all criticizing because I've done my fair share of pushing away when things get super serious, but I think lately I've been more honest about what I want/what I can give in putting myself out there.)
I've known you long enough, my dear. You're more than welcome to give it to me straight.
Sometimes I wonder if I do use her as an excuse but when I sit and think about it, I can't logically work that out in my mind as being the case. I think it's probably part of the reason but I think it's more of a fear of commitment again. It's more mental than anything. I'm building it up in my head when there's no inclination of it happening.
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We watched Return of the Living Dead, ate Asian food and got naked ;D
Hmmm, could make the typical asian food/sex joke here :biggrin:
John, could be a mix of both. You could really have that fear of commitment, but the way you cover your fear is by using your daughter. Just a thought. Having my own fears of commitment, I can relate though. I do feel like sometimes I find excuses for my own fear.
On that note, like Stadler had shown, I think it is possible for you to date someone and even date them seriously without getting your daughter involved.
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On that note, like Stadler had shown, I think it is possible for you to date someone and even date them seriously without getting your daughter involved.
I'll go one further: after my divorce, I dated (to varying degrees) several people, and my current wife is the only one my daughter ever met. I was very up front about that, and made no apologies for it. Actually, I think only one girl thought it odd; honestly, most were relieved in a way to take that off the table early on.
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On that note, like Stadler had shown, I think it is possible for you to date someone and even date them seriously without getting your daughter involved.
I'll go one further: after my divorce, I dated (to varying degrees) several people, and my current wife is the only one my daughter ever met. I was very up front about that, and made no apologies for it. Actually, I think only one girl thought it odd; honestly, most were relieved in a way to take that off the table early on.
It's definitely possible, especially considering she lives with her mother.
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Yeah, she doesn't need to meet them until way later. Makes it much less complicated. And I totally identify with the fear of commitment, but you can have a relationship that isn't too committed instead of running away because you're starting to have feelings for a person.
Maybe not for everybody, but that kind of arrangement is working great for me!
And no Chino, not at the same time :p
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Chino = Costanza
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And no Chino, not at the same time :p
You're such a narrow-minded prude. You should expand your wings a little and try new things! ;)
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Yeah, she doesn't need to meet them until way later. Makes it much less complicated. And I totally identify with the fear of commitment, but you can have a relationship that isn't too committed instead of running away because you're starting to have feelings for a person.
Maybe not for everybody, but that kind of arrangement is working great for me!
I know it's something I need to work on.
Chino = Costanza
(https://www.wrestlecrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/mhsa07.jpg)
Does someone want to photoshop Chino's head here?
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I talked to the woman I went out with and she told me she met someone else she was interested in dating. She was upfront about it, which is awesome. No need for bullshit or avoidance. Props to her for being real. And because she showed me that respect, and I wasn't really looking for anything serious, I'm all good with it. If only everyone was that straightforward.
So we know about Prog and his daughter and his worries about dating. We've heard Stadler talk about his dating experience having a kid. What about the rest of us that don't have kids? Do you guys date people with children? Since I'm generally looking for something serious and I'm not sure I ever want kids, the prospect scares the shit out of me. And it has nothing to do with thinking this person would expect something from me. I've also thought that I could be missing out on my perfect woman because she already has a child.
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I'd have zero problem dating a woman with a child as long as she had her act together.
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Isn't it funny how when a girl turns you down respectfully you actually feel "good" in a way? Obviously you don't feel good about the rejection, but because respect was actually shown. Honesty in dating is so rare.
I would try to avoid someone with a child. I am not ready for that kind of lifestyle now. I'd like to think I wouldn't hold someone's past over them with regards to a future with me, but I wouldn't really go after a girl if I knew she had a kid.... now if we met and hit things off and then I find out she has a kid, I don't think I would leave her for that reason. I question myself almost daily about whether I think I would ever want a child, some days I feel like I would like one, others I feel like I never would want one, obviously I am not near the point where I need to make that decision, but as long as I waver on the idea, it's a no go for me. I need to be 100% committed to the idea of a child before I go that route.
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And no Chino, not at the same time :p
You're such a narrow-minded prude. You should expand your wings a little and try new things! ;)
...actually, the way I read it she didn't say they didn't all get naked. She said they didn't watch the movie, eat Asian food, AND get naked all at the same time. Probably ate while they watched the movie. Let the food settle....and then moved on to the third thing.
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Probably ate while they watched the movie. Let the food settle....and then moved on to the third thing.
You are supposed to wait 30 mins after eating :lol
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Isn't it funny how when a girl turns you down respectfully you actually feel "good" in a way? Obviously you don't feel good about the rejection, but because respect was actually shown. Honesty in dating is so rare.
I would try to avoid someone with a child. I am not ready for that kind of lifestyle now. I'd like to think I wouldn't hold someone's past over them with regards to a future with me, but I wouldn't really go after a girl if I knew she had a kid.... now if we met and hit things off and then I find out she has a kid, I don't think I would leave her for that reason. I question myself almost daily about whether I think I would ever want a child, some days I feel like I would like one, others I feel like I never would want one, obviously I am not near the point where I need to make that decision, but as long as I waver on the idea, it's a no go for me. I need to be 100% committed to the idea of a child before I go that route.
Yeah, her honesty was refreshing.
I think if I met someone who I clicked with, then found out she had a kid, I would approach it differently. What I would decide is up in the air. Long-term, I'd like to build something with someone from scratch ,so to speak. If that means kids, I'll approach that decision when it comes. But like you, I feel like my indifference says a lot about my position on Do I/Do I Not want kids.
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I'm too selfish to have a kid, honestly. That's probably my biggest fault.
Anyway, tomorrow I got my date, not sure exactly what we are doing but my company is having an outing at a bar/arcade in NYC so I told her I would likely be drunk by the time we meet up, then I will be spending the night at her place, took friday off from work and we are going to go to the Met followed by her coming back home with me to spend the night in Jersey. Kind of crazy how these plans took off like this, but I guess I am going to find a lout out this weekend about our compatibility.
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So we know about Prog and his daughter and his worries about dating. We've heard Stadler talk about his dating experience having a kid. What about the rest of us that don't have kids? Do you guys date people with children? Since I'm generally looking for something serious and I'm not sure I ever want kids, the prospect scares the shit out of me. And it has nothing to do with thinking this person would expect something from me. I've also thought that I could be missing out on my perfect woman because she already has a child.
Chino nailed it. I know for me, I found a fucking gold mine treasure trove of women who married in high school/college, guy turned out to be a dud, but were looking at 35, with a child or two, and the daunting prospect of starting over. Not all of them have their shit together, I grant you, but these are - bear with the stereotype - predominantly women who aren't interested any longer in what shirt you wear, whether you like to play an occasional game of PS3, and aren't really interested in the self-absorbed sort of drama that a lot of younger, single women have, but are looking for a guy to share life with, experiment in life with, and all they ask is to be treated with a modicum of respect and dignity. It does, of course, depend on how old the kid is, and you have the burden of an ex that is NOT going anywhere, but I have found that in a statistically significant number of cases, this isn't NEARLY the problem it might sound like. Not always, but it's not like you see on TV where all single moms are fat slobs with six screaming hellions wallowing in their cereal on the floor.
Plus, and not to be at all crude, but there is something incredibly sexy about a woman who is secure, who knows what she wants, knows that her chances around the merry-go-round are finite, and needs to knock off a couple things from her bucket list. Right now, if I had the choice between an attractive single girl of 22 or an attractive single mom of 35 to have sex with, all things being relatively equal? No question.
Again, I'm generalizing, so bear with me, but I'm trying to present what you might find if you dig hard enough. I was scared shitless to be single again with a kid after being married for almost 15 years; I thought that I would never have any interesting sex again unless I paid for it. I certainly hope that my current marriage lasts forever, and I'm deeply in love with my wife, but it's for the right reasons. I certainly am not "scared" to be single again.
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I found a fucking gold mine treasure trove of women who married in high school/college, guy turned out to be a dud, but were looking at 35, with a child or two, and the daunting prospect of starting over. Not all of them have their shit together, I grant you, but these are - bear with the stereotype - predominantly women who aren't interested any longer in what shirt you wear, whether you like to play an occasional game of PS3, and aren't really interested in the self-absorbed sort of drama that a lot of younger, single women have, but are looking for a guy to share life with, experiment in life with, and all they ask is to be treated with a modicum of respect and dignity.
I've never found myself to be this amazing "catch" of a man, regardless of what other people might think of me. But, I do find that I shine in comparison to all these d-bags that make up a large majority of single men. I can appreciate that they didn't necessarily make a mistake so much as life happens. I have messaged a few single mothers because I was curious what the dynamic would be like and if it's something I could handle for the right woman.
Plus, and not to be at all crude, but there is something incredibly sexy about a woman who is secure, who knows what she wants, knows that her chances around the merry-go-round are finite, and needs to knock off a couple things from her bucket list. Right now, if I had the choice between an attractive single girl of 22 or an attractive single mom of 35 to have sex with, all things being relatively equal? No question.
I totally agree. And honestly, the before and after sex would be far more fun and interesting as well. But, that's strictly in the sexual sense. I veiw single mothers as being more thoughtful about their relationships. I would be apprehensive to try for something not serious with a single mother for fear that she, or I, would develop deeper feelings. I've honestly never felt like these women are looking for someone to be a father to their child. Maybe I should give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that they would approach it from the same angle as many other single people: have fun and see where it goes.
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Two bits of advice: I don't know that I would bring it up on the first date, but if she asked me, I would defer on meeting the child for some time. Not for any reason than it's not fair to the kid. You need to be able to make a decision on this woman without the burden of having to worry if you're impacting the child. That can come later if/when you are in a committed relationship.
Two, it didn't happen often with me, but it did happen, where the woman went the opposite way, and rather than be thoughtful and pragmatic about their choices, they went full on, "knight-in-shining-armor" in terms of what they were looking for. My big "downside" is that I am not that tall (5'8") and to be honest, I don't ever remember "minimum of 6'0"" being that much a dealbreaker when I was in college. ;) So if you go down this route, you still have to have something of a thick skin. :)
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The other women that I was speaking to stopped talking to me. She claimed I was just too intense for her, that there is too much of me to process and it would just get in the way.
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I don't ever remember "minimum of 6'0"" being that much a dealbreaker when I was in college.
It's funny because I bring this up with my friends. So many woman have something along the lines of "If you aren't over 6ft tall, don't bother messaging me" and I'm all cool with people trying to find what they want, but if you are putting something like that out there, doesn't that eliminate such a large amount of awesome people? I actually took a screen shot of this convo awhile ago to share with my friends, but ill sum it up here:
girl: How tall are you?
me: Why does it matter, is there a height restriction?
girl: No, I am just curious
me: I am 5'10", did I make the cut?
girl: Yes you made the cut
So clearly there was a number in her head. My friend's told me next time someone asks, I follow up with "how much do you weigh?" Which I am just WAITING for opportunity to ask that. :lol
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:rollin :rollin :rollin
That shit is crazy! I can honestly understand if a woman is on the taller side and likes to wear heels. But that's only if she has a problem being taller than her man. I went out with a woman that was 6'. I'm 6'1", so it wasn't an issue, but she did wear flats. I also went out with someone that loved to wear heels, but wasn't super tall. I do see women say things about it in their profiles though.
My big "downside" is that I'm not as successful or set in a career as I'd like to be. This is magnified when we're talking about a potential serious relationship with a mother. So while I might like to dip my toes in that pool of potential matches, it seems like it just doesn't match up well. Which is too bad, because maybe I'm missing out.
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The other women that I was speaking to stopped talking to me. She claimed I was just too intense for her, that there is too much of me to process and it would just get in the way.
That's a bummer. Too bad she couldn't just bring it up and talk about it instead of just bailing. One of the exact reasons I've tried to keep it light with people. I can be super intense if I don't keep it reigned in. It feels awesome when two people can be that way together, but early on it's too easy for people to "walk" away.
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I don't ever remember "minimum of 6'0"" being that much a dealbreaker when I was in college.
It's funny because I bring this up with my friends. So many woman have something along the lines of "If you aren't over 6ft tall, don't bother messaging me" and I'm all cool with people trying to find what they want, but if you are putting something like that out there, doesn't that eliminate such a large amount of awesome people? I actually took a screen shot of this convo awhile ago to share with my friends, but ill sum it up here:
girl: How tall are you?
me: Why does it matter, is there a height restriction?
girl: No, I am just curious
me: I am 5'10", did I make the cut?
girl: Yes you made the cut
So clearly there was a number in her head. My friend's told me next time someone asks, I follow up with "how much do you weigh?" Which I am just WAITING for opportunity to ask that. :lol
That's EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Thankfully it doesn't bother me; I dated a girl who was 6'0" in college (volleyball player) and a girl who was 6'1" after that, but they are few and far between. I can see at least wanting to be taller than your girl, but it's not that important; I'm taller than my wife, though she has heels that make her taller than me.
For the record: Tina Fey is 5'4" and her husband is 5'2".
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The other women that I was speaking to stopped talking to me. She claimed I was just too intense for her, that there is too much of me to process and it would just get in the way.
That's a bummer. Too bad she couldn't just bring it up and talk about it instead of just bailing. One of the exact reasons I've tried to keep it light with people. I can be super intense if I don't keep it reigned in. It feels awesome when two people can be that way together, but early on it's too easy for people to "walk" away.
I usually try not to reveal too much early on, but when they ask the questions I can't lie about things. Back to the dating site.
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The other women that I was speaking to stopped talking to me. She claimed I was just too intense for her, that there is too much of me to process and it would just get in the way.
That's a bummer. Too bad she couldn't just bring it up and talk about it instead of just bailing. One of the exact reasons I've tried to keep it light with people. I can be super intense if I don't keep it reigned in. It feels awesome when two people can be that way together, but early on it's too easy for people to "walk" away.
I usually try not to reveal too much early on, but when they ask the questions I can't lie about things. Back to the dating site.
And as much as it sucks that she lost interest, you shouldn't lie so you did the right thing. Just think of it this way, if she can't handle it then she isn't for you.
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The other women that I was speaking to stopped talking to me. She claimed I was just too intense for her, that there is too much of me to process and it would just get in the way.
That's a bummer. Too bad she couldn't just bring it up and talk about it instead of just bailing. One of the exact reasons I've tried to keep it light with people. I can be super intense if I don't keep it reigned in. It feels awesome when two people can be that way together, but early on it's too easy for people to "walk" away.
I usually try not to reveal too much early on, but when they ask the questions I can't lie about things. Back to the dating site.
And as much as it sucks that she lost interest, you shouldn't lie so you did the right thing. Just think of it this way, if she can't handle it then she isn't for you.
Thanks. That's pretty much how I feel about it.
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True that.
On the kid thing- I used to think it would bother me, but the woman I've been seeing has a nine year old daughter who is super cool, and doesn't really get in the way of anything. The girl I've gone on two dates with also has kids, but I haven't met them.
Would I want to live with somebody who had kids? Nahh. But dating is fine.
As for the height thing, I don't see what the big deal is. As a fairly tall woman (5'9) I've dated shorter guys and it's never been a big deal unless THEY are insecure about it. I tend to be attracted to fairly tall dudes, but height has never been a deal breaker or something I pay much attention to.
I did happen to notice this OKC guy who messaged me was 5'3 and I was like "DAMN" :lol... but he seems cool so whatever.
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But the difference is that you're not looking for a potential monogomous relationship. If I knew I could date a single mother in a non serious way, I totally would. It's not like I think I couldn't click with these women, or that there aren't ones I'm attracted to (wowsers! to some of these moms). If it's a relationship that's going to potentially continue for a long time, the kid would likely become part of the equation, and even the small possibility of that scares the fuck out of me. Not the responsibilities I'm looking for any time soon in my life.
On a side note, I find OKC essentially useless at this point. I can't remember the last time I got a message reply, but I don't message people very often because there's hardly ever new people that I'm into.
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I also won't date a woman with kids, but very different reasons.
My ex-fiance had a 4 year old daughter when we were together, and when we broke up, essentially having to stop being the little girl's life was the most heart breaking thing ever. So because the possibility of a breakup exists, I can't handle the pain of losing a kid with whom I've bonded.
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Although that does sound heartbreaking, I sort of philosophically disagree with the idea of avoiding something just because you might lose it. I just think that could lead to so many missed opportunities.
In the Insurgentes documentary, Steven Wilson basically says he doesn't think he could have a kid because he couldn't deal with the pain of losing one if something happened. That to me is equally weird reasoning. If you want a kid, if you're into a person, or whatever, you should go for it. I'm not saying people shouldn't consider the future... I just think I would've missed out on a lot of good stuff if I had used that reasoning for major life decisions I made. There are so many damn ways for things to go wrong no matter what you do, but it goes both ways.
Like me :eyebrows:
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I also won't date a woman with kids, but very different reasons.
My ex-fiance had a 4 year old daughter when we were together, and when we broke up, essentially having to stop being the little girl's life was the most heart breaking thing ever. So because the possibility of a breakup exists, I can't handle the pain of losing a kid with whom I've bonded.
Plus imagine what it does to the kid. Kids shouldn't have to deal with loss and separation at such a young age. It undoubtedly has a lasting effect on them.
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This is why you don't have the kids get involved until you're on more solid ground.
"Not having a parade of men into Mom's bedroom" is not the same issue as "I don't want to introduce someone into my life that I might later lose". I'm married to the woman with three kids, and I treat them in every way I can* as my own, and I would be devastated if I lost one of them (especially the oldest).
* There are limits to what a stepfather can and should do; for example, as much as I want to - or my wife wants me to - it is dicey for me to provide discipline to the 8 year old. He's at that age, and all the discipline HAS to come from his mom, psychologically. The lines on personal space are different as well.
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Agreed, I can't see how anyone would make the kids part of it before crossing a certain line. But, that's not what gives ME apprehension. I'm not worried about starting to date someone and also having dealings with their child in some way. I would expect that they would be sensible enough to keep that seperate until things were potentially getting serious. It's that "potentially getting serious" part. If I could date a mother casually, and it turned into us wanting more, then I would approach that by weighing all my feelings and desires appropriately. But, if I'm actively looking for something serious, the idea of starting down that "serious road" with a mother is terrifying.
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Agreed, I can't see how anyone would make the kids part of it before crossing a certain line. But, that's not what gives ME apprehension. I'm not worried about starting to date someone and also having dealings with their child in some way. I would expect that they would be sensible enough to keep that seperate until things were potentially getting serious. It's that "potentially getting serious" part. If I could date a mother casually, and it turned into us wanting more, then I would approach that by weighing all my feelings and desires appropriately. But, if I'm actively looking for something serious, the idea of starting down that "serious road" with a mother is terrifying.
Easier for me since I had a child. I can fully sympathize with you that as a single man it would be daunting.
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So I was starting to wonder if Vermont was going to flake on me completely because I haven't been getting much from him and my own insecurity/past experience was questioning if he was being honest when he said he was too beat to hang out, etc. Well today we texted a bit more and he really is just swamped with work and doing his taxes and more (plus he got into a minor car accident the other day and is waiting on repairs). He started sending me some dirty messages, which eased my mind :lol
We are hoping we can hang next week when I get back from Chicago, but we shall see.
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We are hoping we can bang next week when I get back from Chicago, but we shall see.
Fixed that for ya. :P
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:lol, well duh. I'm just trying to keep up my ladylike appearance.
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How do you guys feel about old flames, or even exes, and trying again?
Let's say, for whatever reason, there was no bullshit or drama or negativity to the end of whatever the relationship was (a few dates/short-term/long-term). Is there any scenario where you would consider trying again with someone if they contacted you with that proposition? Is there a scenario where you would take the chance and feel compelled to contact someone in hopes of trying again?
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Yeah, there are situations where I would definitely consider it, depending on why it ended and who the person is.
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How do you guys feel about old flames, or even exes, and trying again?
Let's say, for whatever reason, there was no bullshit or drama or negativity to the end of whatever the relationship was (a few dates/short-term/long-term). Is there any scenario where you would consider trying again with someone if they contacted you with that proposition? Is there a scenario where you would take the chance and feel compelled to contact someone in hopes of trying again?
There's one ex that I wish I could find again. I should have handled the situation differently. It's still something that pains me. I don't fall in love so easily and I hate saying the words unless I'm sure. After two weeks with this girl, I knew it. I just felt it and there was no doubting it. I didn't want to say it, though, for fear of scaring her away. The day I first realized it I couldn't wait to see her. That same night, she said it to me first. It was then I knew that what I was feeling was mutual. It was almost like it was meant to be.
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Case-by-case, but I would consider it. Obviously I'm the same person I was, but I'm not if that makes sense. It depends on what it was that ended us. I don't usually spend a lot of time thinking about exes, though. More time is spent thinking about those that were close but no cigar. I know there was one girl I met in like seventh or eighth grade, "she liked me" but it went nowhere (I liked her friend), and we met up again in college (she was stunningly beautiful at that point) and we hung out but when I made an overture she whigged out (literally) but I think it was a friend thing again (this time it was her friend that was into me). We're both married to others now and haven't had contact in 20 years, but it would be interesting to see.
Generally, though, I think the build up is more than the actual, and I don't pine for that.
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Case by case seems like the right answer because it all depends on how your relationship was and ended with that person.
My weekend date went really well. I puked in her apartment, we went to the MET together, went to a beer festival with my friends, binge watched the entire first season of American Horror Story (wow, I netflixed and chilled), she cooked dinner for me, and I was feeling sick most of the time so she dealt with my sick ass... and also she wasn't allergic to my cat like she thought she would be :lol
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Case by case seems like the right answer because it all depends on how your relationship was and ended with that person.
My weekend date went really well. I puked in her apartment, we went to the MET together, went to a beer festival with my friends, binge watched the entire first season of American Horror Story (wow, I netflixed and chilled), she cooked dinner for me, and I was feeling sick most of the time so she dealt with my sick ass... and also she wasn't allergic to my cat like she thought she would be :lol
That at a minimum means you're basically engaged. :)
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:lol, seriously.
Sucks that you were/are sick but sounds like that didn't stop you from enjoying each other's company! Excellent.
Generally, though, I think the build up is more than the actual, and I don't pine for that.
Truth.
I also don't spend a lot of time thinking about it, but there is one situation in particular that I sometimes wonder about. In a nutshell I had this very short, intense "affair" (maybe two months) with a dude I met at the liquor store I worked at. Motherfucker was a hot mess (he WAS a regular customer :lol) and I knew it wouldn't last forever, but he basically ran away when feelings got intense. I felt sort of cheated and like he was a bit of a coward to bail at that point (like, very soon after he said he loved me :\), and of course it was a bit of a shock/took a while to shake. We have talked very briefly via text a few times in the last couple of years, but as a guy of MANY words, I think he has purposely avoided any sort of extended interaction with me because we have really strong chemistry (and last I asked he was still in a relationship). If he showed up at my door, I wouldn't think twice about hittin' that.. but he is way monogamous so I don't think we could ever have a "real" relationship.
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I have someone specifically that I've been thinking about. I kinda made up my kind already that I want to contact her at some point to see if she's interested in giving it another try. Maybe enough time has passed for both our perspectives to be closer aligned. But I was talking about this recently with someone, and her response was essentially, "You don't wanna wait too long." You guys had someone specific in mind. Why not try? I can understand why Stadler doesn't wanna jeopardize his marriage for something from 20 yrs ago :angel:.
I recently started chatting with someone online. I'm still getting to know her, but she seems nice and attractive. Not bad qualities to start with :tup. I asked her if she wanted to go out this weekend cuz her weekdays are busy, and she's got bachelorette plans so she suggested next weekend. I'm in NYC next weekend. I'll see if she wants to find time during the week, but it looks like it might be a little while before we have a chance to meet. It reminds me of Cram talking about trips killing early momentum. It also strikes me hard because I feel like historically I have the worst luck with timing. I guess all I can do is roll with it and embrace the fact that we might only text for a couple weeks.
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Yeah, if that's all you can do you'll make the best of it. I haven't seen Vermont in like three weeks and it looks like he won't be free til next week, so it is what it is. Frankly I don't have the energy to give much of a shit right now.
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Well, a few women have responded to my messages so we'll see where it goes.
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After spending a long weekend with TinderSuccess, she asked to spend the entire weekend again. She had initially asked me to spend Saturday with her and her friends in the city bar hopping. I agreed, but then she asked for me to come in Friday night. I declined respectfully, she then while I was sleeping left another message saying she would come home with me on Friday. Clearly didn't get the hint. So I declined again respectfully. I've got a killer headache since really early this morning and I have no desire to make any plans tonight because of it. But that is only part of the truth. I need my space. I can't devote my weekends to her. I'm honestly not sure why she wants to devote all of her weekend to me either. I don't want to move this quick. I need to tell her that, I understand, but the last girl that I liked that wanted to move quick ended up leaving after I told her I wanted to take things slow. I just don't understand the mindset of moving so quick and spending so much time together, I really value my alone time.
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I'm with you. You've given hints and she hasn't backed off so maybe find a way to nicely tell her that.
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You get married yet, cram?? :p
I had an unplanned date with Vermont last night! He lives about 40-45 minutes from me in Boulder but I was in his neck of the woods for an event during the day. I told him I knew he was super busy but to let me know if he could squeeze in a drink since I was already up there. He told me he had time for a quick beer/dinner so we met at a brewpub. Then, the class project commitment he had ended up getting cancelled, so we had no time constraints and I went to his house for a bit. Pretty mellow, nice hangout. Really looking forward to seeing him next weekend when Aunt Flow from Red Bank is gone.
Edit: forgot to mention I have a ladydate tomorrow, with the ginger (the one I've only met up with twice so far but she is cool). I will meet her husband and daughters and we'll have pizza/pie (for Pi Day) and play video games. Should be pretty chill.
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Hi girls and boys.
First time poster in this thread..
Long story:
So.. There`s this girl that I´ve started to get a really big crush on. I`ve known her for years, and I always liked her as a person, but both have been in relationships when we`ve met before. We fooled around at a concert in august, but I didn`t follow up on that since she had just broken up with her fiancee. I met her on a playground in january, and we had a great talk. We were hanging out with our kids (she has two boys, I have a daughter), so we didn`t really talk for that long. Since then I´ve been thinking about her frequently.
In late january I went out with a couple of friends and got really drunk. Stupid me texted her and asked if she wanted to get a coffee with me sometime. It was like 1am at that point, and the text was really flimsy, and I guess it was pretty apparent that I was drunk.
She texted me the day after and said that she would love to. However, I felt so embarrassed that I asked her when I was pissed drunk, so I didn`t really follow up on that.
This saturday I went swimming with my daughter, and she was there with her kids. We talked a bit, but I was so f'in nervous that I didn't manage to find a good subject to talk about (and it felt kind of wierd flirting with a girl in a swimsuit for some reason). Me and my daugher left before them, and I said goodbye. She gave me a really cute, flirting smile when I left.
I felt so stupid afterwards, but decided that I had to ask her out or I would go crazy. I texted her a couple of hours later and asked if she still was up for that coffee. Se said yes, and gave me a :D - smiley.
So.. I responded and asked her if she was available next weekend.
No answer..
The next day I noticed on Facebook that it was her birthday. I sent her a private message on facebook and said: "Btw, happy birthday :)"
No answer (she haven't read the message yet)..
What should I do? Hope that she answers and just leave her alone?
Should I text her in a couple of days and ask again if she's up for that coffee this weekend?
Baaaahh! I am going crazy here... :facepalm:
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You get married yet, cram?? :p
I had an unplanned date with Vermont last night! He lives about 40-45 minutes from me in Boulder but I was in his neck of the woods for an event during the day. I told him I knew he was super busy but to let me know if he could squeeze in a drink since I was already up there. He told me he had time for a quick beer/dinner so we met at a brewpub. Then, the class project commitment he had ended up getting cancelled, so we had no time constraints and I went to his house for a bit. Pretty mellow, nice hangout. Really looking forward to seeing him next weekend when Aunt Flow from Red Bank is gone.
Edit: forgot to mention I have a ladydate tomorrow, with the ginger (the one I've only met up with twice so far but she is cool). I will meet her husband and daughters and we'll have pizza/pie (for Pi Day) and play video games. Should be pretty chill.
Not going to lie, your date tomorrow sounds... odd (the meeting husband and kids part) but I get that I don't understand this lifestyle so that's not meant to be a shot or anything negative towards you. Glad you had a nice date with Vermont.
Married? Getting there apparently. We hung out Saturday night and went bar hopping with her friends so that makes her the first girl I have dated that has introduced me to her friends. I usually get very nervous about these things, and I certainly was, but it went really well and Sunday morning she told me "the reviews were in and I was well received". Her friends were actually really cool and nice group of girls so I find it's really nice to know she is surrounded by good people who I can get along with. I didn't bring up the "space" thing but if the fact that she wants to spend time with me (more than I want to for now) is the only knock on her at this point then I think we are in good shape.
Aurora, seems lots of time goes between your communications with her so I would give it some time and then shoot her a follow up message for that coffee. Maybe because you ignored it the last time she isn't taking it too seriously?
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That may be the case. I really don`t want to seem desperate, but it`s a long time since I've developed feelings for a girl.
It's wierd for me actually, because I rarely see her, but the times I do I end up acting like a stuttering moron :mehlin
I rarely have a problem doing small-talk with anybody..
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Look, this is the pot calling the kettle black, but you need to delete your texting history with her, and just focus on THE LAST TEXT YOU GOT. It doesn't matter ONE BIT that you texted her at 1 am all in the bag (drunk) because SHE texted YOU the next day - presumably sober, presulably understanding the context of your request - and said "YES". That's the only text that matters.
The "shy thing" is cute for a spell, but when it gets crippling, it wears thin. If you do like this girl, you need to take the next step in a firm, decisive fashion. Get that coffee, commit to it and go. Talk about your kids, swimming, whatever, but DO NOT spend the entire date self-flagellating yourself on how much of an idiot you were to drunk text her or to not follow up. All that is water under the bridge and she's with you on a date getting coffee.
And good luck. Wear a condom.
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:lol, pretty much what he said. She may not think you're serious because of what happened last time, so you may need to be a bit more aggressive.
Cram, glad things are going well! Sounds like a good time.
As for me, my date with the ginger tonight went well... Her daughters are super cool, they are like 8 and 10 years old, and her husband was very nice as well. We had pizza, pie, and played video games. It was chill, indeed. I was going to have to meet them eventually if we kept dating, so I suppose I'm glad I got it over with. It was all very casual.
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As for me, my date with the ginger tonight went well... Her daughters are super cool, they are like 8 and 10 years old, and her husband was very nice as well. We had pizza, pie, and played video games. It was chill, indeed. I was going to have to meet them eventually if we kept dating, so I suppose I'm glad I got it over with. It was all very casual.
Had you met ginger prior to this, or did you meet everyone on day one?
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Cram, glad things are going well! Sounds like a good time.
As for me, my date with the ginger tonight went well... Her daughters are super cool, they are like 8 and 10 years old, and her husband was very nice as well. We had pizza, pie, and played video games. It was chill, indeed. I was going to have to meet them eventually if we kept dating, so I suppose I'm glad I got it over with. It was all very casual.
Thank you, yes things are going well, she will be coming out tomorrow night for a date night and to spend the night, but she has a busy weekend so I think this may be it for the week which is fine with me.
That's cool things worked out for you and Ginger's family. :metal
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As for me, my date with the ginger tonight went well... Her daughters are super cool, they are like 8 and 10 years old, and her husband was very nice as well. We had pizza, pie, and played video games. It was chill, indeed. I was going to have to meet them eventually if we kept dating, so I suppose I'm glad I got it over with. It was all very casual.
Had you met ginger prior to this, or did you meet everyone on day one?
This was date three, but over kind of a long span of time because I've had a lot going on. We've been talking a lot via text/FB but haven't had many dates. If this had been date one, I'd be freaked out :lol
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I'm trying to wrap my head around this. Are you and Ginger a "thing"? Is her husband involved? Do they have an open relationship? Are you all just friends? Did she want you to meet her kids? Did you kick their asses at video games? :lol
There's a difference between being open minded/understanding, and being aware of all the different social dynamics. This is pure curiosity coming from someone who's mostly been exposed to traditional relationships.
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I was in that same position, Jackie. When I was going through the open marriage phase (back when I was still married), I was dating this woman who wanted me to meet her family.
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Yes, me and the ginger are a thing, but not super serious. We have hung out three times but talked a lot and she is super cool. She and her husband are polyamorous and her daughters are aware of this. She didn't present it as wanting me to meet her kids, but the only day this week I could hang out, she had to be at home with the kids while her husband was at school. So we talked about it and agreed it was cool.
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Idk what's going on here but I like gingers...
Oh and relationships suck monkey ballz n shit.
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On the topic of gingers, TinderSuccess is actually a ginger
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Yes, me and the ginger are a thing, but not super serious. We have hung out three times but talked a lot and she is super cool. She and her husband are polyamorous and her daughters are aware of this. She didn't present it as wanting me to meet her kids, but the only day this week I could hang out, she had to be at home with the kids while her husband was at school. So we talked about it and agreed it was cool.
Gotcha. That's exactly what I was curious about. I was mostly wondering if the kids were aware, or just there. Then it sounds like you've got a good little thing going. Have you ever had this type of interaction with the rest of someone's family before?
Idk what's going on here but I like gingers...
Oh and relationships suck monkey ballz n shit.
Truer words bro! But for real, gingers walk a fine line, but the ones on the attractive side of the line I find VERY attractive. Funny enough, I've been talking to a ginger recently. I'll have to wait until the end of next week to meet cuz I'll be out of town, but we started texting last night and it went well.
Ninja'd: Gingers are in high demand :rollin
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Yes, me and the ginger are a thing, but not super serious. We have hung out three times but talked a lot and she is super cool. She and her husband are polyamorous and her daughters are aware of this. She didn't present it as wanting me to meet her kids, but the only day this week I could hang out, she had to be at home with the kids while her husband was at school. So we talked about it and agreed it was cool.
Gotcha. That's exactly what I was curious about. I was mostly wondering if the kids were aware, or just there. Then it sounds like you've got a good little thing going. Have you ever had this type of interaction with the rest of someone's family before?
Yes, the other woman I've been seeing. I actually jut got home from her house... had pizza and played Rock Band with her and her 9 year old daughter, who is cool people. And hung with her husband, too, who I'm certain is into me. He's cute and I like him but I obviously have my hands a bit full right now :lol
I dated a guy a few years ago who was married and also went on a date or two with his wife. We had a threesome, I think just once, that was fun, but I wasn't super into either of them tbh. It was a total rebound thing after a terrible breakup, and he knew that from the beginning. He was persistent but nice and so I thought "Why not?" and it ended up being kind of good for me BECAUSE it wasn't crazy passionate or anything. He also got me into Doctor Who, so there's that.
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That sounds like just about the best way ever to have a rebound. Take the good, leave the bad! Nobody gets hurt and everyone has an orgasm. Perfecto mundo.
The second threesome I've had was a spontaneous one and started in the middle of You, Me and Dupree and none of us knew what the fuck the movie was and by the time we had all climaxed we were all sitting there sobbing ass naked.
It was the best threesome out of them.
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I want a threesome
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I don't know if I have that in me. Hmmm.
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I don't know if I have that in me. Hmmm.
You won't know until you try, although I honestly don't know either. I feel like it would have to be a unique situation. It is still a fantasy to have two girls, but likely not a reality for me.
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It's fun! But also requires an annoying amount of multitasking :lol
I often don't get off because there's so much going on and I'm more worried about what my hands are doing or whatever.
I've honestly lost count of how many I've had now. At least 9, sitting here counting. At this point I could mostly take em or leave em, though there have been some fun variations on the theme that have made things really interesting. Like a wheelchair one time.
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It's fun! But also requires an annoying amount of multitasking :lol
I often don't get off because there's so much going on and I'm more worried about what my hands are doing or whatever.
I've honestly lost count of how many I've had now. At least 9, sitting here counting. At this point I could mostly take em or leave em, though there have been some fun variations on the theme that have made things really interesting. Like a wheelchair one time.
What did you do to poor Mikachu? No wonder you had him take birth control. :lol
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I don't know if I have that in me. Hmmm.
You won't know until you try, although I honestly don't know either. I feel like it would have to be a unique situation. It is still a fantasy to have two girls, but likely not a reality for me.
Well, you're right, but I sit here - haha, at work, in a sterile office - thinking about the options and, well, it would have to involve my wife, because we're not in that kind of relationship (at least I don't think so), and I can't imagine I want to watch her be boned by another guy, and I don't know how I'd feel about someone else servicing me while she was there. I suppose that's on her, but I would be worried about the conversation of "well, you weren't supposed to enjoy it THAT much!" after. Hahaha. I suppose all things that could be worked out in advance.
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I don't know if I have that in me. Hmmm.
You won't know until you try, although I honestly don't know either. I feel like it would have to be a unique situation. It is still a fantasy to have two girls, but likely not a reality for me.
Well, you're right, but I sit here - haha, at work, in a sterile office - thinking about the options and, well, it would have to involve my wife, because we're not in that kind of relationship (at least I don't think so), and I can't imagine I want to watch her be boned by another guy, and I don't know how I'd feel about someone else servicing me while she was there. I suppose that's on her, but I would be worried about the conversation of "well, you weren't supposed to enjoy it THAT much!" after. Hahaha. I suppose all things that could be worked out in advance.
:lol yea that is the tricky part and the reason why I say "unique" circumstances because I feel like it would have to be with 2 people I don't have emotional ties with to avoid that type of situation from occurring. I guess Jackie's situation worked because she didn't have that.
One of the girls I dated last year who was divorced said she did a three some with her x husband and another girl. She said it was too awkward to do again, but didn't mention any fights or anything that occurred from it, just used the word "awkward" a lot and also that there were rules set up before hand.
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I've had four or five at this point (that one in question was during a time when I was so stoned and drunk that my memory of that time is like trying to see underwater) and they are indeed fun but people seem to blow them out of proportion or make a bigger deal out of them than they are. It does take a shitload of stamina for the guys but I've always had a lot of control in that department so I'll just count my lucky stars. Otherwise...yeah, it's hectic at times and if you're not all on the same page then it can get to be more trouble than it's worth but if you balance everything out then it's a lot of fun.
And yeah...I cannot in any situation imagine an everyday marriage working in a threesome. I'd say that's just asking for a fight at some point. Maybe not right after, maybe not a month after, but at some point I wouldn't be surprised if it's either used as ammo or will start one in of itself. In the end it's still just sex. Just having a threesome isn't going to miraculously make everything about it seem amazing and make you feel like you're on cloud 9. It's all what you make it. If you're the super intimate/emotional/married person...that's a lot of what ifs and scenarios that could ruin the experience. I'm sure plenty of threesomes and good times have been ruined because of someone being left out, jealousy, awkwardness. But hey if you can make it work and the stars align, go for it; just don't expect anything supremely mind blowing to happen just because it's happening. It takes some friggin' hard work to make it amazing. :lol
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I want a threesome
My first time having sex was a threesome.
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I want a threesome
I've had 2. Kinda. More like my ex and I + her incredibly hot best friend (whom I had a free pass with but never did anything) messing around.
So. Fucking. Awesome.
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I want a threesome
I've had 2. Kinda. More like my ex and I + her incredibly hot best friend (whom I had a free pass with but never did anything) messing around.
So. Fucking. Awesome.
That's awesome. Another fantasy, to be able to get with the GF's hot friend :lol I've got to admit, the girl I've been dating has quite a few really good looking friends. Kind of the thing you would never say to your GF but runs in the back of your mind.
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I want a threesome
My first time having sex was a threesome.
On one hand I'm like "dude that is so cool" and on the other I'm like "FUCK THAT SHIT".
It kind of sounds like my worst nightmare. I'd just fuck it up entirely and then would swear off threesomes forever.
My first time was so beautifully cliche and boring and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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I want a threesome
My first time having sex was a threesome.
He named each hand, Luna & Ramona.
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:lol
Don't be jealous.
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:biggrin:
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I don't think I'd ever want a threesome. Apologizing to one person is humiliating enough.
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I don't think I'd ever want a threesome. Apologizing to one person is humiliating enough.
:lol
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I don't know if I have that in me. Hmmm.
You won't know until you try, although I honestly don't know either. I feel like it would have to be a unique situation. It is still a fantasy to have two girls, but likely not a reality for me.
Well, you're right, but I sit here - haha, at work, in a sterile office - thinking about the options and, well, it would have to involve my wife, because we're not in that kind of relationship (at least I don't think so), and I can't imagine I want to watch her be boned by another guy, and I don't know how I'd feel about someone else servicing me while she was there. I suppose that's on her, but I would be worried about the conversation of "well, you weren't supposed to enjoy it THAT much!" after. Hahaha. I suppose all things that could be worked out in advance.
:lol yea that is the tricky part and the reason why I say "unique" circumstances because I feel like it would have to be with 2 people I don't have emotional ties with to avoid that type of situation from occurring. I guess Jackie's situation worked because she didn't have that.
One of the girls I dated last year who was divorced said she did a three some with her x husband and another girl. She said it was too awkward to do again, but didn't mention any fights or anything that occurred from it, just used the word "awkward" a lot and also that there were rules set up before hand.
But how do you set up rules for something that is (or can be) so emotionally charged, and that you haven't experienced before? "Rule No.: Don't fall in lust with her pussy/his cock!" I mean, really?
I suppose I could be the third, I could handle that, though that isn't happening now. But even then... "Bro, stay outta my girlfriend's ass! WTF!?!" Or worse "Hey, you don't do that to ME!"
I think too much. :)
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Rules being no penetration from you and her or no kissing, things like that, obviously you can't put rules on your feelings.
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For us there were rules that were kinda set in place before hand... Basically no penetration between her friend and I. . .
That rule was kinda thrown out the window by them but being the honorable man I am I stuck with it.
It's funny... she and my ex do not speak now... and she and I are still great friends. She is honestly the one chick I feel the most comfortable in my skin with... and I'd kill for another physical chance with her... even though romantically there are zero feelings. I mean.. I love her as a great friend but that's it.
And she knows oh too well. Last time she was out to visit (she's in Colorado), we hung out at a bar where our buddy was playing and I got really really drunk... may have made a fool of myself but she's the only chick I know who's ok with me being an idiot sometimes. lol
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I've got to admit, the girl I've been dating has quite a few really good looking friends.
I'll be in Manhattan all weekend, staying on the UES, if any of them wanna show me around :hat.
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Damn I wish I was in Manhattan. :lol
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I've got to admit, the girl I've been dating has quite a few really good looking friends.
I'll be in Manhattan all weekend, staying on the UES, if any of them wanna show me around :hat.
She actually invited me to party in the city with her this weekend but I declined. Trust me, there's plenty of other tail out there in the city for you to chase.
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I don't think I'd ever want a threesome. Apologizing to one person is humiliating enough.
:millahhhh :tup
Even after having a threesome (or a billion), people will still experience this any given amount of times. Sometimes shit just goes pear shaped.
Although it wasn't a threesome, I was with a woman who, after giving me my first rimjob, got insanely livid and "disgusted" with me after I kissed and sucked on her nips. Like...for a second. Right after she basically pushed me off she says, and this is word for fucking word, "OH GAWD, DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT!?", (yes, she phrased it like a question, I think her brain broke) and I, looking tomato red in the face, said "UWAH! WHAT? I'M SORRY!"; she then, still very sternly but now weirdly calm, tells me, "It just.... It. I... I just imagine my kids nursing every time someone sucks on my tits, you know?" and then I said that I had forgotten I have to get up really early and had to leave and got the fuck out of there. I mean okay...I don't have kids and I'm not a woman but WWWWWWUT!? I cannot possibly imagine this happens to many mothers or is a normal thing at all. I mean I'm far from normal but god damn.
At some point...you'll always have to apologize. :lol
Apparently for completely normal sensual acts right after a still considered fairly debaucherous act. Good stuff. Good....stuff....*sigh*
On another weird note...After having tons of people in my group tell me that it's a horrible idea...I've decided to say fuck it and fool around with a member of the AA group I go to. Normally it's not seen as bad, but we're both fairly early in our sobriety, and yet this girl will not stop coming on to me. Not crazy like, she's not like a cat in heat or anything, and she seems very down to Earth and restrained, but good lord every time we talk it turns into an eye fucking session. :rollin It's fucking ridiculous and I'm done with the tension so screw it. I drove her home the last time and she asked if I wanted to come in for a coffee and "hang out". It was 1 AM. Yes. Let us hang out. And y'know if it ends up destroying our sobriety and ruining our lives, OH WELL!
Not really. :| :police: Hmmm...I...URGH.
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Damn, dude :lol
I'm not sure what I would do in that situation with the AA thing. Sounds like the reasoning is it could be a pretty bad distraction when you're new in your sobriety, but you also can't just shut your sex drive off.
Also, the nipple story :rollin
It's fun! But also requires an annoying amount of multitasking :lol
I often don't get off because there's so much going on and I'm more worried about what my hands are doing or whatever.
I've honestly lost count of how many I've had now. At least 9, sitting here counting. At this point I could mostly take em or leave em, though there have been some fun variations on the theme that have made things really interesting. Like a wheelchair one time.
What did you do to poor Mikachu? No wonder you had him take birth control. :lol
You should know- you were the third.
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I think I'll only go through with it after making it very clear that, barring any cosmic happenings of velveeta dripping, sappy emotional shit, it will be the definition of casual and physical based. Assholish or not, I think it'd be better for the both of us to at the very least keep in mind that this is basically the "don't fuck your coworkers" idea magnified about a thousand fold considering our sobriety is also on the line if we decide to get stupid and then it goes to shit and then not only do we have the fallout of seeing each other while we're trying to get our fucking lives together but also put a strain on that very thing. I'd just be fucked. If she's cool with that, I cannot see any possible scenario in which mere physicality gets in the way of our sobriety. Problem is, I'm not so much worried about myself as I am her not being completely honest and simply saying that she's cool with being casual and then two weeks later is calling and texting me every hour of the day. Presumptuous...but it's happened to be a handful of times. Which is a handful of times too many.
....maybe I should just jack off.
God fucking damn it. :flame: < That's my penis.
*HARD AS FUQ LETS GO*
*retracts into pelvis*
*HARD A FUQ LETS GO*
*retracts into pelvis*
I just want to turn off my libido for a while. It's all fun and games till someone loses a chip. Or something.
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I just want to turn off my libido for a while. It's all fun and games till someone loses a chip. Or something.
I'm sure this makes me some kind of bad person, but I laughed out loud at that. You kill me.
Actually so did the post-rimjob nipple suck. Make me laugh out loud, that is. That makes no sense, but I guess it does. I guess some people can separate the two; my wife loves that, and I really don't think it reminds her of her kids (maybe I shouldn't ask). It's not like I think of pissing every time I get a boner. But then again, I'm a guy, so...
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:police:
Yeah I've literally never heard of or encountered anything like that before. I've heard of women whose nipples are sensitive and perhaps don't like too much action there but even so, still like some stimulation. Other than that every single woman I've been with loves having dem titehs played with in all different ways. I really just can't wrap my head around that. It just really makes me feel all weird.
And yeah that's actually a good thing to equate it to. Sure, reflex erections are normal. Having to or thinking of taking a piss ever time you get a hard on is not. Just the same, I'm sure some mothers at some point have comedically thought, "God this guy is pretty much nursing on me", but to actually have a huge issue with that because every time they're touched/kissed/sucked, it's immediately equated with your children even in when it's during a sexual situation...that's like...that's therapist time.
"Yeah I'm totally down to fuck and by the way I love to hog on that hershey highway but if you try to suck my nipples I'll fucking murder you, you ain't my child :smiley: "
... :| :millahhhh
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:rollin
definitely odd
And I love sucking on nipples.
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It's the best.
Hashtag Freud.
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Nips FTW
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Let's get weird with this discussion, men.
OUR NIPS!
Doth thou likest the suckage of thine own milkless makers!?
I swear to fucking dog, every single woman I've been with has teased my nipples in some way with their mouth and it's so fucking :| every time. Like...it's not uncomfortable and doesn't not feel good but it's also definitely not a turn on for me. It's just like..."Okay, this is happening....again..." *Siiiigh...* Which is weird as hell to me because while my nips themselves aren't hairy, they're surrounding by what can only be described as a Tarzan like chest (or maybe George of the Jungle would be more appropriate...). I'm no Austin Powers but damn. I dunno, on the other hand plenty of men and women (myself included) don't mind at all going down on someone with hair in their nether regions (granted, I'll be blunt in saying that if it's a rat's nest down there I definitely won't want to and will avoid at all costs) so I suppose it's no different; it just is to me because if I encountered a woman with a chest as hairy as mine I'd have to check for an adam's apple and bulge IMMEDIATELY.
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Not a fan of getting my nipples sucked, just like you said. It's not bad, but just doesn't do anything besides make me feel awkward.
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Not a fan of getting my nipples sucked, just like you said. It's not bad, but just doesn't do anything besides make me feel awkward.
I would feel awkward if a girl was doing that to me and milk came squirting out. Otherwise, it's something I don't mind.
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:rollin
That would be so...just a bunch of :o :eek WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEE!?!?
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It would be convenient if you were making cereal. You could just lift up your shirt and *squirt* all over your Honey Nut Cheerios.
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:|
Anyway, I've been with guys who are into the nipple thing but most are kinda meh about it.
My left nipple is more sensitive than my right, which is pierced. Getting it pierced made it a bit more sensitive, but mostly in the bad way (i.e. "OWW STOP"). I have noticed that I often enjoy my nipples being played with THROUGH my clothing more than bare. It's kind of exciting.
In related news, I unexpectedly hooked up with a guy friend tonight. I've been sort of attracted to him for a while, long story, but it was fun and he has a nice penis. Did I say that out loud? Maybe too much wine.
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A nice penis! :metal
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A nice penis! :metal
You're really excited...
for Jackie :rollin
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Actually no, you didn't say it out loud unless you're filming a romantic comedy while you were typing that, in which case it is an undeniable, unequivocal fact that you were indeed saying it out loud as you were typing it.
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Sounds like a scene from a romantic comedy where a dude, next to another dudemail at a urinal sneaks a peak and is brazen enough to compliment.
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"Hey bro, I'm not gay or anything but..."
In other news I ALMOST had a threesome with two friends tonight but it was foiled. Long story, but maybe next time...
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(https://i.imgur.com/W0TfbCV.gif)
In other news I ALMOST had a threesome with two friends tonight but it was foiled. Long story, but maybe next time...
We love long stories :yarr.
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So I started talking to this gorgeous Italian woman last night. Yes, bonus points for being Italian. So we talked all night and realized we have lots of parallels. However, she mentioned that she is going on a cruise with her husband (they're only separated) in May, without the kids, to see how they do on their own. I guess she figures if the stress in the marriage comes from the four children they have together, and it's not just because they're tired of each other, then she thinks it can be saved. My question is this. Why the fuck is she on a dating site looking for someone if her intention is to try and save her marriage? That explains why she doesn't have any photos on her profile. She's probably testing the waters and keeping it from her husband.
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So I started talking to this gorgeous Italian woman last night. Yes, bonus points for being Italian. So we talked all night and realized we have lots of parallels. However, she mentioned that she is going on a cruise with her husband (they're only separated) in May, without the kids, to see how they do on their own. I guess she figures if the stress in the marriage comes from the four children they have together, and it's not just because they're tired of each other, then she thinks it can be saved. My question is this. Why the fuck is she on a dating site looking for someone if her intention is to try and save her marriage? That explains why she doesn't have any photos on her profile. She's probably testing the waters and keeping it from her husband.
Wow, that sucks. Maybe the three of you can have a threesome?
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Sounds like she's keeping her options open and that's not fair at all.
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So I started talking to this gorgeous Italian woman last night. Yes, bonus points for being Italian. So we talked all night and realized we have lots of parallels. However, she mentioned that she is going on a cruise with her husband (they're only separated) in May, without the kids, to see how they do on their own. I guess she figures if the stress in the marriage comes from the four children they have together, and it's not just because they're tired of each other, then she thinks it can be saved. My question is this. Why the fuck is she on a dating site looking for someone if her intention is to try and save her marriage? That explains why she doesn't have any photos on her profile. She's probably testing the waters and keeping it from her husband.
Wow, that sucks. Maybe the three of you can have a threesome?
I would gladly have a threesome but not with her husband.
Sounds like she's keeping her options open and that's not fair at all.
I feel like she's just testing the waters or maybe even looking for a fling. The question is, do I take her up on that offer just for fun. I suppose I would just to release the poison.
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Need to see a pic first too
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It's about you John. What do you want or need right now? If you need a release then by all means do so. If you want more, move on to another possible date.
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I found photos of her. That's why I said she was a "gorgeous Italian woman". When she was talking about her family, she gave her father's and mother's surname.
Someone else just started talking to me, so at least it gives me more options. Ironically enough I see this new woman on the ferry all of the time and she recognized me.
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Ironically enough I see this new woman on the ferry all of the time and she recognized me.
I haven't had this happen to me before, but I always think about "what if I see a girl I messaged out in public?"
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Chances are you probably will. I've seen quite a few of the women in public that were on dating sites.
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John, if I were you I would stay faaaar away from that situation. Lots of potential for a fucking mess, and she doesn't really seem truthworthy. "Just a fling" could turn into more and result in you being tangled in a shitty web. I've been there. Plenty of women out there who aren't fucking married, is what I say.
(https://i.imgur.com/W0TfbCV.gif)
In other news I ALMOST had a threesome with two friends tonight but it was foiled. Long story, but maybe next time...
We love long stories :yarr.
:lol
Basically my friend and I have hooked up before but she is in a mostly monogamous relationship with this dude who is cool people. He knows we've hooked up before and is fine with it. Well last night, after a beer festival, the three of us ended up going to her friend's apartment for some reason (they had the keys and the friend was at a restaurant, which we bailed on) and before I knew it I was making out with her boyfriend and we all started messing around. My pants came off! But then she was freaking out because she has this rash in her nethers from a hot tub and because she didn't believe my cold sore scar (not scab) wasn't contagious :(
So we did some stuff but it didn't go very far. Her boyfriend was very disappointed haha... apparently he surprised her because he's never really been down for anything like that. But after a bit of beer... :lol
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Her boyfriend was very disappointed haha... apparently he surprised her because he's never really been down for anything like that. But after a bit of beer... :lol
I know not all guys are made for a threesome, or might not even actually want that kinda fun, but NO woman should ever be surprised by that... EVER!
I don't have Facebook so I couldn't get on tinder, but I've messaged with a few women here in and around Manhattan on OKC. Too bad I'm not around for long, I've gotten a lot of interest from some cool good looking chicks. But I'm staying in a studio apartment with my brother, so I'm not really sure I could make anything happen anyways. Makes me wonder what these women are looking for compared to women in Jax, cuz I don't get this kind of attention on that site back home. Oh well...
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John, if I were you I would stay faaaar away from that situation. Lots of potential for a fucking mess, and she doesn't really seem truthworthy. "Just a fling" could turn into more and result in you being tangled in a shitty web. I've been there. Plenty of women out there who aren't fucking married, is what I say.
I'm not a stranger to tangled webs, but we haven't spoken today so I'm just moving on. I've had a couple of other biters today, so I'll see what's going on with them.
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Yeah, that's probably a good call. She's one of the irresponsible ones that make it tough to trust people's intentions. At least you found out all that nonsense before getting in too deep.
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My instinct was to avoid her because she had no photo up, but I have this horrible habit of avoiding my instinct and it usually winds up causing trouble. This time I'm backing away before something goes awry.
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My instinct was to avoid her because she had no photo up, but I have this horrible habit of avoiding my instinct and it usually winds up causing trouble. This time I'm backing away before something goes awry.
Good, go with your gut.
Makes me wonder what these women are looking for compared to women in Jax, cuz I don't get this kind of attention on that site back home. Oh well...
I doubt they are looking for anything different than in Jax, but I can tell you there is strength in numbers when you are dealing with NYC girls and online dating.
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A nice penis! :metal
Is that good?
I'm not sure I'd want to be with a girl and have her lasting impression of my ween be "nice". I guess better than "short", "gross", or "irrelevant", but...
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Well now you're just being greedy.
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Well now you're just being greedy.
This. Honestly, the best is the smile on a girls face when you pull your pants down. Otherwise I'll take any positive comment on my ween because I only sometimes get that smile.
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:lol, well I didn't think you guys would want a detailed description of it! How about... girthy?
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That's more than enough detail :lol
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I was going to make a comment about my penis but I believe it would have been highly inappropriate.
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I was going to make a comment about my penis but I believe it would have been highly inappropriate.
This thread is already highly inappropriate.
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When I would enter a new girl for the first time, I wouldn't let her see my dick prior to putting it in her first. I'd kind of just take control and guide the situation such that she'd end up on her back and I'd inevitably drive into her. Once I got in there and did my thing, any initial size judgments based on vision were already negated by the mind-numbing penetration.
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When I would enter a new girl for the first time, I wouldn't let her see my dick prior to putting it in her first. I'd kind of just take control and guide the situation such that she'd end up on her back and I'd inevitably drive into her. Once I got in there and did my thing, any initial size judgments based on vision were already negated by the mind-numbing penetration.
Sneaky :lol
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I don't have to worry. Let's just say my current whatever we are's best friend is my ex's cousin, whom lived with us for a while. I've known her for almost 10 years. One day she came up to me out of the blue and told me she is sick of hearing about how large I was.
I should have responded with "Wanna see for yourself?"
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I don't have to worry. Let's just say my current whatever we are's best friend is my ex's cousin, whom lived with us for a while. I've known her for almost 10 years. One day she came up to me out of the blue and told me she is sick of hearing about how large I was.
I should have responded with "Wanna see for yourself?"
:lol should haves
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When I would enter a new girl for the first time, I wouldn't let her see my dick prior to putting it in her first. I'd kind of just take control and guide the situation such that she'd end up on her back and I'd inevitably drive into her. Once I got in there and did my thing, any initial size judgments based on vision were already negated by the mind-numbing penetration.
So no foreplay involving your penis? What about putting a condom on? Would you turn your back to her?? :lol
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Then he'd turn around and hide his girth with a big red bow and scream, "I have a love gift for you".
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Maybe he just has a condom on all the time because he's always pre-coitus. :hat
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I like king's option better, but both possibilities.
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When I would enter a new girl for the first time, I wouldn't let her see my dick prior to putting it in her first. I'd kind of just take control and guide the situation such that she'd end up on her back and I'd inevitably drive into her. Once I got in there and did my thing, any initial size judgments based on vision were already negated by the mind-numbing penetration.
So no foreplay involving your penis? What about putting a condom on? Would you turn your back to her?? :lol
Not really. Any foreplay with my dick would come in the form of aggressive grabbing while my jeans were still on. I didn't use my method to just hide the size of my package. I'm completely average in length, and my girth has challenged some girls, but either way, porn can be very discouraging, especially if you're in your early twenties and haven't been around the block that many times yet. I'd also forego the foreplay, mainly during the first hookup, because I like taking control of the situation and making it all about her. As far as the condom goes, I'd have them on standby and slip one on while I was eating her out or something.
Also, and I'm sorry if this sounds like a dick move, but not getting the foreplay before intercourse would hook me up later on in the session. I found that if I deprived the girl of pleasing me in any way prior to entering her, she was usually down to reciprocate before we were through, especially if she's starting to get worn out in her region. I much prefer cumming in a girl's mouth or on her chest (can't do the face, I feel bad about it), and if I get the blowjob toward the end of sex rather than in the beginning, that's much more likely to happen. I find that typically a girl will give head one time during sex, maybe twice if you're lucky, so I like to save it. Endurance comes into play here too. Getting head gets me off way more than fucking. If I get head first, I'm not lasting all that long once inside you. If a girl lets me in first, I can go a lot longer, and the she can end it pretty much on command whenever she wants by putting my dick in her mouth.
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Then he'd turn around and hide his girth with a big red bow and scream, "I have a love gift for you".
One, cut a hole in a box
Two, put your junk in that box
Three, make her open the box
And that's the way you do it
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I was going to make a comment about my penis but I believe it would have been highly inappropriate.
This thread is already highly inappropriate.
And we just keep going further down the rabbit hole. :rollin
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I was going to make a comment about my penis but I believe it would have been highly inappropriate.
This thread is already highly inappropriate.
And we just keep going further down the rabbit hole. :rollin
Speaking of going further into the rabbit's hole, that reminds me of a story appropriate for this thread. So, I used to have a rabbit named Bugs Bunny (original, right?), and you remember how Bugs Bunny often used to dress as a girl and looked pretty good? Well one night I was drunk, and that got me thinking......
Ok, maybe this story isn't helping.
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BB, it's helping. Just go into more detail, talk a little slower and look me in the eyes when you say it.
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Mmmm yeah :caffeine:
Sooo Vermont cancelled on me Saturday which I think I mentioned, and said he didn't have much going on after a work trip this week. He was supposed to return today but a blizzard happened and now he's coming back tomorrow, but he's yet to respond to the text from days ago where I proposed that we hang out Saturday. I don't want to ask again but I want to know if I should make other plans. It's just annoying because he's great in person but not much of a texter and I'm often waiting a long time to hear back/don't get a whole lot. *shrug*... could be worse as far as problems go. But I end up second guessing myself and whether he's into me... until he indicates that he is in some way (i.e. telling me he got a boner on the bus thinking about me :lol). And then the overthinking part of my brain wonders oh gawd, what if that's some head game he likes to play? Like, make the person sweat just enough and then reel them back in. But I know most people aren't assholes like that......right??
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I let another one slip away. I think it's time for me to just stop. I guess I'm just not ready, or maybe I'm not being picky enough.
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Sooo Vermont cancelled on me Saturday which I think I mentioned, and said he didn't have much going on after a work trip this week. He was supposed to return today but a blizzard happened and now he's coming back tomorrow, but he's yet to respond to the text from days ago where I proposed that we hang out Saturday. I don't want to ask again but I want to know if I should make other plans. It's just annoying because he's great in person but not much of a texter and I'm often waiting a long time to hear back/don't get a whole lot. *shrug*... could be worse as far as problems go. But I end up second guessing myself and whether he's into me... until he indicates that he is in some way (i.e. telling me he got a boner on the bus thinking about me :lol). And then the overthinking part of my brain wonders oh gawd, what if that's some head game he likes to play? Like, make the person sweat just enough and then reel them back in. But I know most people aren't assholes like that......right??
Boners riding the bus! Reminds me of my childhood going to school in the morning.
Just text him back about Saturday and say you only bring it up because you have other plans that are on hold since you'd rather spend the time with him before committing to something else. This way you can ease your mind.
I let another one slip away. I think it's time for me to just stop. I guess I'm just not ready, or maybe I'm not being picky enough.
Maybe it is time to take a little break, at least from the online game. That stuff I feel like can fuck with your head after awhile. Try doing something different with your time, not sure what, but something to take your mind off trying to find a girl and then maybe one just falls into your lap.
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That's what I need to do. I'll try to be more reactive instead. I'll focus on studying since I start school in a couple of weeks.
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I spent last night with TinderSuccess. We both now have tooth brushes at each other's place. My coworker says that's a sign of the R word. We haven't talked about that at all. It's just my own insecurities acting up and I'm not saying I am going to end it or anything, but I definitely feel a bit nervous now. We get along really well and she starts her new job on Monday (she had been "funemployed" since meeting) so this will also change dynamics a bit. I'm also headed back to Colorado soon for a week so we may only hang out one more time in the next few weeks which may put a test to this.
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I suppose that will be the ultimate test. Will distance make the heart grow fonder or will each of you realize it's all frivolity?
:corn
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I suppose that will be the ultimate test. Will distance make the heart grow fonder or will each of you realize it's all frivolity?
:corn
Yup, we shall see.
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I've started talking to someone ~3 weeks ago. First weekend she had plans, second weekend I was out of town. So we talked about holding out until the next weekend I was back, which is this coming weekend. I texted with her a little on Sat, and then texted her from the airport on Mon when I was waiting for my flight. I never heard anything. I texted her last night to say I was looking at what's going on this weekend and if she's still up for going out. Again, no reply. I try not be negative about this stuff, but it feels like it might not happen. It's all kinda weird. We started chatting a little, she seemed nice and attractive, so I asked her to do something. She agreed, even though the schedule was uncertain. She gave me her number. I've just never gotten her to actually converse or carry on some sort of conversation. Or even really give me an idea of what her personality is like or what interests her. Because of those things, I'm not exactly invested in this, but it's still a bummer. I'll try one last time and see what happens.
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That is kinda lame. Even if she is super busy, she can at least make time to text you at least once in a few days. I wouldn't hold my breath at this point if I were you, unfortunately.
Cram, toothbrushes?! That's serious shit! But there is also a bit of distance so it's reasonable to have sleepovers. I wouldn't overthink it, though. (And we should totally have a beer again when you're in CO!)
You're right, that's a good way to approach texting Vermont. I know he had an early morning flight back (and I heard getting to/from the airport has been a huge cluster due to the blizzard) so I'll wait til later today to try him.
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I spent last night with TinderSuccess. We both now have tooth brushes at each other's place. My coworker says that's a sign of the R word. We haven't talked about that at all. It's just my own insecurities acting up and I'm not saying I am going to end it or anything, but I definitely feel a bit nervous now. We get along really well and she starts her new job on Monday (she had been "funemployed" since meeting) so this will also change dynamics a bit. I'm also headed back to Colorado soon for a week so we may only hang out one more time in the next few weeks which may put a test to this.
Honestly? Stop listening to co-workers and us boobs. Well, except me. ;) If you're having fun, and enjoying her company, "where you have a toothbrush" means absolutely NOTHING. I went through this with my now-wife, where you're sort of transitioning from "this chick I met on Tinder" to "the person I spend my time with" and it's hard, but at the very least, let it be YOUR assessment, not some douche that's looking to score a good laugh at the water cooler.
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:lol he isn't a douchebag and he is actually really close to me and knows all about my dating life (we work ALOT together and have for a really long time), but I know what you mean and I had thought about it before he said anything, but when he said it is kind of when it hit me a little harder because someone else noticed how close I am getting to her.
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:lol he isn't a douchebag and he is actually really close to me and knows all about my dating life (we work ALOT together and have for a really long time), but I know what you mean and I had thought about it before he said anything, but when he said it is kind of when it hit me a little harder because someone else noticed how close I am getting to her.
But that's my point: who cares? Isn't that the "beauty" of "love"? Do you know the Genesis song, "Silver Rainbow"? If you don't, listen to it. Yeah, maybe if your heroin habit is now three times what it was, you need an outside source to tell you to "reign it in, Clapton", but if you are just doing what feels right and it's not something you notice, isn't that kind of what we're all looking for on those sites to begin with?
My opinion only, but something to think about.
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:lol he isn't a douchebag and he is actually really close to me and knows all about my dating life (we work ALOT together and have for a really long time), but I know what you mean and I had thought about it before he said anything, but when he said it is kind of when it hit me a little harder because someone else noticed how close I am getting to her.
But that's my point: who cares? Isn't that the "beauty" of "love"? Do you know the Genesis song, "Silver Rainbow"? If you don't, listen to it. Yeah, maybe if your heroin habit is now three times what it was, you need an outside source to tell you to "reign it in, Clapton", but if you are just doing what feels right and it's not something you notice, isn't that kind of what we're all looking for on those sites to begin with?
My opinion only, but something to think about.
Went from the R word to the L word quickly :lol
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It often does :|
I texted Vermont asking about this weekend but haven't heard back yet. He may be on a plane because I was responding to a text from a few hours ago (him saying he was hoping to be home tonight)... but I did say that I got another invite and was trying to figure out my plans, so we shall see.
Meanwhile some other dude on OKC messaged me a week ot two ago and we've been talking back and forth. He was all eager to hang and I finally found some time (I'll be sort of near him for an art opening tonight). He was all about it at first and now apparently he only has an hour, so I'm supposed to text him when I get there so he can meet me for an hour. Seems kind of weird. I told him he didn't need to rush it and come just for an hour but he's insisting on it, so whatever. I'm just glad I'm not putting any extra effort into this hangout, tbh :lol
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I texted Vermont asking about this weekend but haven't heard back yet. He may be on a plane because I was responding to a text from a few hours ago (him saying he was hoping to be home tonight)... but I did say that I got another invite and was trying to figure out my plans, so we shall see.
That is kinda lame. Even if she is super busy, she can at least make time to text you at least once in a few days. I wouldn't hold my breath at this point if I were you, unfortunately.
:xbones
Have you considered taking a lucky guy on a romantic trip to Vegas?
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:lol he isn't a douchebag and he is actually really close to me and knows all about my dating life (we work ALOT together and have for a really long time), but I know what you mean and I had thought about it before he said anything, but when he said it is kind of when it hit me a little harder because someone else noticed how close I am getting to her.
But that's my point: who cares? Isn't that the "beauty" of "love"? Do you know the Genesis song, "Silver Rainbow"? If you don't, listen to it. Yeah, maybe if your heroin habit is now three times what it was, you need an outside source to tell you to "reign it in, Clapton", but if you are just doing what feels right and it's not something you notice, isn't that kind of what we're all looking for on those sites to begin with?
My opinion only, but something to think about.
Went from the R word to the L word quickly :lol
I think I've already said I consider you married. :) HAHAHAHA.
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That is kinda lame. Even if she is super busy, she can at least make time to text you at least once in a few days. I wouldn't hold my breath at this point if I were you, unfortunately.
I texted her again last night and she said she was sorry and she might have signed up for the online dating thing too early. She's done with school in May, but it is apparently consuming her life. I told her we should still chat sometimes and get to know each other, and I'll reach out again, but I'm totally not invested anymore. If she wants to talk, cool. If not, whatevs.
Did you ever hear from Vermont? What happened with OKC dude? That's an odd way to meet someone for the first time.
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The last girl I had started talking to just threw me a curve ball. She seemed like a nice girl so I hoped it would lead to something. I know she has a son and is going to school, so I asked if she was living with just her son or with family also. She said she was living with her son and her son's father. ??? The next thing I asked is what she was looking for in a relationship. She hasn't responded since last night.
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The last girl I had started talking to just threw me a curve ball. She seemed like a nice girl so I hoped it would lead to something. I know she has a son and is going to school, so I asked if she was living with just her son or with family also. She said she was living with her son and her son's father. ??? The next thing I asked is what she was looking for in a relationship. She hasn't responded since last night.
Yikes. I'd stay away even if she does respond.
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Yeah that's a bit weird.
OKC guy was cool, we talked for about an hour at my friend's art show. He apparently books himself up so much that's all he had time for. He said it was his second "date" of the day and he had dinner plans with a friend later, and he already had five dates from OKC this week. He says he's "playing the OKC game" rather than look for a mono relationship though he doesn't really consider himself polyamorous, just a "bachelor" trying to see lots of people. Gawd, he was cool but the more I write about him the more dickish he sounds :lol
It was a good conversation though, and he was cute (super short, but the height diference didnt seem to bother him). He said he's just looking for people to hang out occasionally, and won't be free again til week after next because he's leaving town, so will hit me up when he gets back to town. I have a feeling by then I will have forgotten he exists, tbh.
As for Vermont, I got nothing. Despite Adami's wiseass response, as much as he sucks about texting he doesn't usually leave questions unanswered. He didn't seem to know when he was getting back from Dallas because he had been stuck there, so maybe I shouldn't have asked when he was probably super stressed out. Personally, I tend to "table" messages that aren't urgent when I'm busy and then forget about them. We shall see. I'm not planning on seeing him tomorrow at this point, obviously.
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OKC guy was cool, we talked for about an hour at my friend's art show. He apparently books himself up so much that's all he had time for. He said it was his second "date" of the day and he had dinner plans with a friend later, and he already had five dates from OKC this week. He says he's "playing the OKC game" rather than look for a mono relationship though he doesn't really consider himself polyamorous, just a "bachelor" trying to see lots of people. Gawd, he was cool but the more I write about him the more dickish he sounds :lol
It was a good conversation though, and he was cute (super short, but the height diference didnt seem to bother him). He said he's just looking for people to hang out occasionally, and won't be free again til week after next because he's leaving town, so will hit me up when he gets back to town. I have a feeling by then I will have forgotten he exists, tbh.
Interesting that he was so honest about all that, that's cool, but I can see why you'd not put much into that type of situation.
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So I figured she wouldn't respond when I asked what she was looking for, but she did in one concise word.
Sex.
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:lol
I'd still stay away personally. That scenario just seems like it's asking for problems.
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I haven't fully decided on that yet. It has been a while so maybe just to release the poison.
In other news, some woman put her blood type in her OKCupid profile because she usually gets along better with certain blood types.
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I haven't fully decided on that yet. It has been a while so maybe just to release the poison.
In other news, some woman put her blood type in her OKCupid profile because she usually gets along better with certain blood types.
Yea, I mean I get that too so if you think its a legit NSA option then what the hell
and... :lol people are so odd sometimes (including myself)
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That has been the strangest trait for picking a significant other so far. :lol
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That has been the strangest trait for picking a significant other so far. :lol
Maybe it's because she is looking for a relationship with someone that can also donate their blood to her
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That has been the strangest trait for picking a significant other so far. :lol
Maybe it's because she is looking for a relationship with someone that can also donate their blood to her
Yes, an obviously important quality to look for in someone. ;)
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That has been the strangest trait for picking a significant other so far. :lol
Maybe it's because she is looking for a relationship with someone that can also donate their blood to her
Yes, an obviously important quality to look for in someone. ;)
Someone with a blood disorder maybe. I wouldn't put that past someone as a legit reason to find a life mate.
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You're right. I really can't put anything past anyone, especially with my past experiences.
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Yeah, I bet she is looking for a life mate who can donate blood to her but doesn't want to admit it. Weirdo.
I did eventually hear back from Vermont. He can't hang today. Meh.
Hung with the ginger and her husband yesterday, went to an event at a museum and then watched a movie. They are super cool. I'd totally nail them both, but no idea if that's an option. Have only kissed her so far.
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I started talking to someone else today. She seems pretty cool. We have certain things in common that are hard to find here in Staten Island, but she's apprehensive because my marriage isn't legally over yet. She wants to remain friends until it's official so I'm not sure what to do.
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She sounds like she's got a head on her shoulders. How far off are you in the divorce process?
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It's just a matter of filing the papers.
She does have a head on her shoulders. I could tell that right away.
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Worth the wait then. Keep talking as friends for now. That will only strengthen your first meeting.
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That's exactly what I'm doing to do. The ball is in my court. How I play it will decide our fate.
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So.. I love not knowing whether or not I am in a relationship. It's a great way to add even more stress to my life.
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So.. I love not knowing whether or not I am in a relationship. It's a great way to add even more stress to my life.
Then what you need to do is get some answers.
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Been playing the game for a year.
The we aren't together but sometimes we are and act like we are but it is all up to her mood game.
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Been playing the game for a year.
The we aren't together but sometimes we are and act like we are but it is all up to her mood game.
Is it worth it?
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At the moment it is. No one understands it though. I just wish.. there was a little bit more there though...
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At the moment it is. No one understands it though. I just wish.. there was a little bit more there though...
People can never understand how another truly feels. That's why you need to do what's best for you. All I can say is to be sure of your choice. If I've learned one thing from my past experiences it's to go with my gut feeling. I have a unique ability to sense a bad situation. That doesn't always mean I listened to it, but I've never been wrong. You need to do the same for yourself. Just be sure.
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I haven't fully decided on that yet. It has been a while so maybe just to release the poison.
In other news, some woman put her blood type in her OKCupid profile because she usually gets along better with certain blood types.
It's a Japanese/Asian thing to believe blood type can affect personality, much like how some people believe star signs affect personality, so maybe it's just a cultural thing. Japanese sites often list blood type in bios. Or maybe she's a vampire and needs a constant supply of the correct type.
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I like the vampire story better. ;)
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I'd be ok with a vampire. We're both nocturnal and allergic to light. I'd be pretty strict about not being fed upon though. I get dizzy. She can feed upon stray cats or something.
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I dated a girl who thought she was a vampire.
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Like for reals? Did she drink blood? Or was she just really pale and sensitive to light?
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:lol, was she sparkly?
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Like for reals? Did she drink blood? Or was she just really pale and sensitive to light?
Yes, she drank blood. She claimed to have extreme sensitivity to light, but I didn't date her for long, so I never found out too much about those characteristics.
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What the,hell is Blob doing in a relationship thread? I guess I should post in the anime thread. :lol
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What the,hell is Blob doing in a relationship thread? I guess I should post in the anime thread. :lol
The forum is slow during the day. I gotta find something to do!
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:lol
Ok. I'm with you there.
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Last night, I had what was as closely related to a blind date as I've had. I woke up and had just gotten a message from someone. She seemed cool, and like she might be up for what I'm looking for right now. She had apparently had some afternoon drinks and a friend convinced her to invite me out with them. I met her and a few friends at an art show (skateboard deck exhibition). I was a bit apprehensive because that's a little weird. But I handled it good. She seemed a little reserved, which was kinda cute and endearing. And from some of the stuff she said, it seems like there might be a wild child looking for some trouble under there, which intrigues me. She's not traditionally my type, but if we can have some fun, I'm open to finding out what will happen.
Edit: I texted her after I got home. I asked if it was weird for her. She said she hoped she wasn't too awkward, but I assured her it was cute and expected. And I told her I was up for something just the two of us if she's up for it. I never heard back. I was bored last night and messaging some people on OKC and saw that she deactivated her profile. She even mentioned how she thought it was weird that two people could have a good date and then you never hear from the other again. That's life, I guess...
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Seems like she went on that site just to find someone to chill with for the day.
I kind of put things on hold with TinderSuccess yesterday. Late Friday night she started pushing ideas on what to do Saturday together (we didn't agree to make plans or anything this was just random to me) and it started pretty innocently, but she wanted me to come to the city, have dinner with her friends, then we'd go our separate ways because I have Easter family time today. I told her I didn't like the idea because it's a 3 hour round trip plus about $30 in tolls for me to do that, just for a couple hours with her friends. I also added that I don't always want to hang out with her friends, I still want to hang out alone and get to know her. I also admitted I am not nearly as social as she is. She then said that wasn't what she meant and that we could just do drinks with her friends and then she could come back to my place (why would we then go to the city just to come all the way back?). It kind of hit my by Saturday morning that the distance is a real problem which I told her and apparently that made her super upset and she took it as me ending things. I then repeated what I had said all along in that hanging out is a big commitment in time and I can't just do it whenever and be flexible like I may normally be. She then offered to just come here and cancel her friends. I didn't respond for awhile because I felt she just wasn't getting it, but I guess my nonresponse meant it was over from her perspective. I'm just confused, cool girl and all but I've told her so many times now that I can't commit to hanging out so often because of the distance and it doesn't seem to phase her. I also mentioned I want to take things slowly and she didn't take that too well either. Really cool girl and I've enjoyed my time with her and she has so many things in her that I want in a girl, but I'm thinking I should just leave this on hold. This week I have the Iron Maiden concert and then I leave for Colorado for a week so I won't have much free time anyway.
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Have you told her these things, like the stuff that you value in her? See if she can meet you halfway with the whole process, because you want to find something that works with her, but can't keep doing what you're doing.
Seems like she went on that site just to find someone to chill with for the day.
That would be hilarious. Send said she had been on there a few months, had a "substantial" profile, and had answered quite a few questions. I'm not hung up on anything, I just find it all curious. The whole thing was mostly strange, and I'm kinda surprised.
And what is it with sending a first message that says Hey or Hi or How are you? Some chick from across the date messaged me Hey last night. I was bored, so I replied with Hey. She sent a couple irrelevant messages and I never heard anything else. A couple nights ago, same thing. The next day I see she deactivated her profile. It's not that fuckin tough people. There are a number of things in my profile that could be conversation starters. So when I get a message that says "Hey there Mr. Dream Theater. What's your favorite song?", it gets my attention. And I only list them in the music I listen to, and they're not even first on the list.
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I think we've discussed this before, but I have never once responded to a "hey"... especially since as a woman I already often get an annoying amount of messages. If you can't take the time to write something thoughtful that shows you looked at my profile, fuck off.
As for the girl who randomly invited you out with her friends, that is so strange. It sounds like they were buzzed and browsing the site and they were all like "He's kinda cute.. you should invite him out RIGHT NOW!" :lol... maybe she was embarrassed about it or something.
Cram, that's kind of a bummer but maybe the right thing to do. I wouldn't swear her off completely but it sounds like she's just sort of hearing/seeing what she wants to and maybe not understanding where you're coming from. She clearly wants to move a bit faster than you, and that ain't good. Maybe you can work it out eventually but yeah, that distance thing is a huge bummer.
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As for the girl who randomly invited you out with her friends, that is so strange. It sounds like they were buzzed and browsing the site and they were all like "He's kinda cute.. you should invite him out RIGHT NOW!" :lol... maybe she was embarrassed about it or something.
Very well could be the case. Her friends were whispering when I got there. I was also undoubtedly the coolest one there :hat, but got along well with her friends. It happened to come up and she mentioned that she used to smoke a lot of pot. I said there's no problem with smoking weed, I love to smoke weed. She had this look and I asked if that surprised her. She says, "Yeah! Look at you!" So I thought she might be attracted enough to me, and see that I'm not pulling away, for her to get over any reservations in her head. No worries though, trust me.
If you can't take the time to write something thoughtful that shows you looked at my profile, fuck off.
No shit, it ain't that hard. So when I got a message that said, "Hey Mr. Dream Theater. What's your favorite song?", I sure as hell replied to that one. I also put that I'm named after a musician, try and guess. She says, " Are you named after Dan Fogelberg?" Ding Ding. WTF, are you kidding me? :mindblown :hefdaddy She talked me into calling her today, to prove I'm not a robot lol. I'm not a fan of talking on the phone, especially with someone whom I've had limited interaction with. We talked for almost an hour, and it was kinda cool. It felt like a great ice breaker of sorts, and gives the both of us a better idea of who's on the other end. It was winding down, so I went ahead and asked if she wanted to go out sometime, and we're on for Thursday.
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Wooo! That's good news. What's HER favorite song? That will tell you whether or not you need to run.
Vermont is so maddeningly slow with his responses! He said he may be able to hang this week but gave me no availability! I've got a couple folks who want to hang but I've been putting off scheduling because I never see him and I wanna get some, frankly. But I need to stop doing that. In fact, I just messaged one of my friends and told her it's a date for Friday, because fuck this waiting game. Get off my lawn.
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:getoffmylawn:
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Get off my lawn! :lol
Sylvan, I've had a few girls do the phone call thing to make sure you are legit before meeting, I always feel awkward about it because no one talks on the phone anymore, but once the convo starts and things go well then it can be a really nice way to break the ice and move forward.
I talked very briefly with TinderSuccess yesterday. I wrote it out (since we have never had a phone conversation) exactly what I was getting at (I said this is something I've said a lot nicer/more vaguely a few times already, but I need to write it out to make my point) and told her I need some space effectively. I don't love this girl (as compared to the conversation last week where that word was brought up even jokingly) and I'm finding it harder and harder to do what is borderline long distance while trying to meet her requests of time together. I told her I felt like she was rushing me and I also didn't like how she always wants to hang with her friends when I come into the city, I still hardly know her and would prefer one on one time before doing all the friend things. I'm just not at that point where I want to be integrated into her social life. I met a bunch of her friends one weekend and I knew her roommate well enough, but I am not ready to meet these other friends and then do this with another group and then next week hang with her high school friends and so on and so on, I just want to hang out with her! Well anyway, she came back with a "you need to figure out if this is worth it to you" and that is true. It probably isn't to be honest, which sucks because if she lived closer than it would be easier to ride this out longer since she is a cool girl and has some awesome qualities, but I don't see how I can commit to this for anything serious.
I feel really bad too because she started a new job today and I know she ended up not really doing a whole lot this weekend because she was upset and probably has a lot on her mind so I feel like my timing was bad and it was totally unintentional, like I never planned for us to come to a breaking point this weekend and it all started because she was pushing to hang out again (and with her friends) that lead me to start thinking this isn't going to work.
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Eh, I hear that but don't feel bad about timing. No such thing as good timing for that sort of thing. It happens when it happens.
So did she not respond to any of the specific stuff you said? That would peeve me a bit.
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Eh, I hear that but don't feel bad about timing. No such thing as good timing for that sort of thing. It happens when it happens.
So did she not respond to any of the specific stuff you said? That would peeve me a bit.
She just said she was sorry and felt really bad and that she still wants to work it out, but she understands now why I am backing off a bit. She also mentioned that we never really talked about our future or what we were looking for, which is true so maybe because we didnt get there that this is why it came up. Honestly, after today and going most of the weekend without talking, I think I am fine to just move on. She is great to talk to, but I'm not feeling like I want to hang out with her this week. She mentioned we should continue the talk in person, which I understand but I also think that may never happen now. I definitely feel like I am being a bit harsh here. I think she likes me way more than I like her. She actually said all the right things after I said what I needed too, but I just don't feel that desire to make a trip to the city to work this out. Like she asked, "is it worth it?" and sadly I am thinking more and more that the answer is "no". She would make a great friend though because she really is a cool person.
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So I'm posting in this thread. Hmm.
I broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half back in late January. I really loved her, but we were in two different places and it just wasn't going to work. Luckily we ended things on very friendly terms.
Fast forward to now, I have an OKC account but stopped messaging girls after an experiment I did showed me just how horribly creepy men could be. So I had a cute Jewish girl message me, and we were e-mailing back and forth for about a week while she visited her folks in Toronto. We talked on the phone for the first time tonight. Got along really well, she's a very nice and cool girl. A lot of similar personality stuff in that short hour. We're trying to find a way to meet up, but she lives about an hour away and only I drive. However, she's also a conservative Jew. So no electricity Friday nights till Saturday night etc. Being Agnostic (and Jewish) and not in the slightest bit religious, I wonder if we could still find ways to connect on that level.
However, on April 16th I might end up marrying the girl (possibly guy) of my dreams in Vegas, so we'll see!
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:-*
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However, on April 16th I might end up marrying the girl (possibly guy) of my dreams in Vegas, so we'll see!
:-*
It took me way too long to realize you were referring to Jackie
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However, on April 16th I might end up marrying the girl (possibly guy) of my dreams in Vegas, so we'll see!
:-*
It took me way too long to realize you were referring to Jackie
Me too.
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I might be falling in love with someone 400 km away who I've only met once, and it's 4 years younger than me but with who I (we) connect a lot. Trying my best not to lose my head.
I guess I should have better posted this here...
Now looks like the feeling is mutual... Man, this is driving me crazy.
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So I'm posting in this thread. Hmm.
I broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half back in late January. I really loved her, but we were in two different places and it just wasn't going to work. Luckily we ended things on very friendly terms.
Fast forward to now, I have an OKC account but stopped messaging girls after an experiment I did showed me just how horribly creepy men could be. So I had a cute Jewish girl message me, and we were e-mailing back and forth for about a week while she visited her folks in Toronto. We talked on the phone for the first time tonight. Got along really well, she's a very nice and cool girl. A lot of similar personality stuff in that short hour. We're trying to find a way to meet up, but she lives about an hour away and only I drive. However, she's also a conservative Jew. So no electricity Friday nights till Saturday night etc. Being Agnostic (and Jewish) and not in the slightest bit religious, I wonder if we could still find ways to connect on that level.
However, on April 16th I might end up marrying the girl (possibly guy) of my dreams in Vegas, so we'll see!
Did you create an account as a woman?
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So I'm posting in this thread. Hmm.
I broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half back in late January. I really loved her, but we were in two different places and it just wasn't going to work. Luckily we ended things on very friendly terms.
Fast forward to now, I have an OKC account but stopped messaging girls after an experiment I did showed me just how horribly creepy men could be. So I had a cute Jewish girl message me, and we were e-mailing back and forth for about a week while she visited her folks in Toronto. We talked on the phone for the first time tonight. Got along really well, she's a very nice and cool girl. A lot of similar personality stuff in that short hour. We're trying to find a way to meet up, but she lives about an hour away and only I drive. However, she's also a conservative Jew. So no electricity Friday nights till Saturday night etc. Being Agnostic (and Jewish) and not in the slightest bit religious, I wonder if we could still find ways to connect on that level.
However, on April 16th I might end up marrying the girl (possibly guy) of my dreams in Vegas, so we'll see!
Did you create an account as a woman?
I was wondering the same thing :lol
I might be falling in love with someone 400 km away who I've only met once, and it's 4 years younger than me but with who I (we) connect a lot. Trying my best not to lose my head.
I guess I should have better posted this here...
Now looks like the feeling is mutual... Man, this is driving me crazy.
The age doesn't matter much, but that distance is killer. I am struggling with 45 miles.
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I've done it before. It wasn't for anything creepy. I was just curious about it from a psychological standpoint. Men really are pieces of shit. Some of the things that were said were horrible. Though, it didn't help me much, because if those are the types of men I am competing with, I shouldn't have a problem finding someone. The experiment backfired.
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I've done it before. It wasn't for anything creepy. I was just curious about it from a psychological standpoint. Men really are pieces of shit. Some of the things that were said were horrible. Though, it didn't help me much, because if those are the types of men I am competing with, I shouldn't have a problem finding someone. The experiment backfired.
Yea, I didn't need to go that far to confirm that. I usually ask girls I meet (often on the first date) as to what their experience is like online dating and then you get all the "good" stories. It's crazy and I don't know how the females put up with it.
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Just read a few pages of the OKCreepster tumblr. It will save you the time of starting a fake profile and still get you all the classic disgust that guys have to offer :metal.
I like to ask women about the experience with it all too. On one hand, I'm genuinely curious about what it's like for them specifically, and on the other hand, it kinda highlights the fact that our thing is different. But yeah, absolutely crazy what some people will say.
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As my first date with Victoria was winding down, we compared Tinder matches. I had something like 65 and she stopped counting at 300. She showed me a lot of the messages dudes sent her... unreal. It's more sad than it is disgusting.
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So I'm posting in this thread. Hmm.
I broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half back in late January. I really loved her, but we were in two different places and it just wasn't going to work. Luckily we ended things on very friendly terms.
Fast forward to now, I have an OKC account but stopped messaging girls after an experiment I did showed me just how horribly creepy men could be. So I had a cute Jewish girl message me, and we were e-mailing back and forth for about a week while she visited her folks in Toronto. We talked on the phone for the first time tonight. Got along really well, she's a very nice and cool girl. A lot of similar personality stuff in that short hour. We're trying to find a way to meet up, but she lives about an hour away and only I drive. However, she's also a conservative Jew. So no electricity Friday nights till Saturday night etc. Being Agnostic (and Jewish) and not in the slightest bit religious, I wonder if we could still find ways to connect on that level.
However, on April 16th I might end up marrying the girl (possibly guy) of my dreams in Vegas, so we'll see!
Did you create an account as a woman?
No, but I put up a very innocent craigslist ad as a woman as an experiment. Within a 2 hour window I received almost 200 replies before my ad was taken down. Some of them were fine, but most were about weird sex propositions, including a guy who said he wants to bang me the way he used to bang his daughter.
Then I put up an equally innocent ad as a guy in the male for female department. Got 3 normal nice responses from girls, and like 5 responses from guys offering me money to go down on me.
I lost all respect for men.
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While your experiment shows some truth to the online dating world, is craigslist a way to really try to meet a potential date? I always thought that was more for prostitution.
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While your experiment shows some truth to the online dating world, is craigslist a way to really try to meet a potential date? I always thought that was more for prostitution.
For sure, but I made sure to post the ad in the non-prostitution part. I also just didn't feel like making a fake account on a dating site. However, when I spoke to female friends about their experiences on OKC or Tinder, the results were extremely similar.
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I'm not sure the medium matters, the point is larger than "is Craig's list good for hitting up a hooker?". People hide behind the notion of anonymity. I've heard all KINDS of stories, and in no small way, part of why my now wife and I hit it off so well was because I DIDN'T send her a picture of my cock with my intro email (I'm only half-kidding). And even in the months after we first met up and started to get to know each other, one of the things that really impacted her positively was that I didn't say ANYTHING to her in texts and emails that I wouldn't say to her in person to her face. It's a matter of integrity, I think.
I'm sorry to over-think this - but it's what I do - but it's just indicative of something that has already come up here a couple times: you have to balance what YOU feel with what THEY feel. One thing that I think most people forget (and it gets easier to forget when you're online) is that because YOU think one way, doesn't mean that others think the same way.
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Well, it's all the same medium (online dating) but different venues. Craigslist is quite different than match. Since you have to pay for match I wonder if you are less likely to get a ridiculous first message since paying upfront implies some sort of seriousness.
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I might be falling in love with someone 400 km away who I've only met once, and it's 4 years younger than me but with who I (we) connect a lot. Trying my best not to lose my head.
I guess I should have better posted this here...
Now looks like the feeling is mutual... Man, this is driving me crazy.
The age doesn't matter much, but that distance is killer. I am struggling with 45 miles.
Distance is definitely something that frustrates us both...
I've also found myself not focusing on stuff, my mind going back through some of our conversations, or thinking what to do about this... I guess there's a first time for everything...
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So I officially ended things with TinderSuccess last night (I will still refer to her by that name because I still managed to meet a nice girl on Tinder). I have been thinking about it a lot and was honestly a little on the edge about making it official, but my gut was telling me to do so. Even though it was only a week ago that I left my toothbrush at her place and I thought things were going well, but it really hit me over the weekend when she kept pushing to make plans and practically wasn't taking no for an answer. Well, after sending her a really nice message explaining why I was ending it (distance and her "aggressiveness" to always want to hang out) and her response just made me feel like I made the right choice. She turned into someone completely different. Tried to get into an argument with me about how I was the aggressive one (WHAT?!) and then saying how she didn't even want to be my friend (blocked me on facebook right away). I get it that she was clearly upset and probably just reacting harshly, but I turned around from being unsure to actually having a slight smile on my face knowing I just dodged that one. After her nastiness and me just no longer responding she sent a little nicer one just saying that she thought things would work out and that she was actually planning to move to Hoboken to be closer (and I am the aggressive one?! The fact she considered moving is ridiculous!). She also called it for what it really was deep down inside, she liked me more than I liked her. I think that is exactly what happened. I wanted to take things slow and hang out once maybe twice a week, she wanted to hang out during the week and all weekend and move closer. I feel bad, but I feel relieved that my gut was right here. I definitely would have liked to stay friendly with her, but oh well, I'm not going to lose sleep over that.
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Can I have her toothbrush?
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Can I have her toothbrush?
:rollin
If you really want it, I should have thrown it out, but I have not yet.
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Can I have her toothbrush?
:rollin
If you really want it, I should have thrown it out, but I have not yet.
You should take it on adventures and send her pics. That won't be creepy or anything.
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Should have brought it with me to the Iron Maiden concert tonight and then to Colorado next week.... no not weird at all.
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Holy shit that's a great idea. Start a Twitter account basically explaining how her toothbrush became your new buddy and post pics and updates about your adventures together. Give it a name and talk about like it's a real person. And then post links on your Facebook so her and all her friends will see and follow. Don't make it seem malicious, more like documenting a new pure friendship :rollin.
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Holy shit that's a great idea. Start a Twitter account basically explaining how her toothbrush became your new buddy and post pics and updates about your adventures together. Give it a name and talk about like it's a real person. And then post links on your Facebook so her and all her friends will see and follow. Don't make it seem malicious, more like documenting a new pure friendship :rollin.
She blocked me on facebook and instagram so she will never know what happened to her tooth brush.
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Holy shit that's a great idea. Start a Twitter account basically explaining how her toothbrush became your new buddy and post pics and updates about your adventures together. Give it a name and talk about like it's a real person. And then post links on your Facebook so her and all her friends will see and follow. Don't make it seem malicious, more like documenting a new pure friendship :rollin.
She blocked me on facebook and instagram so she will never know what happened to her tooth brush.
She blocked YOUR Facebook and Instagram, not the accounts you're about to create for her hygiene products. I've gotten over 100 followers for a Hot Wheels Mars Rover on Instagram (@pocket_curiosty) with virtually no effort of any kind.
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Exactly. People will flock to your exploits if you put it out there. It's the internet. An ongoing Twitter documentary about the adventures of you and your new buddy will be right at home.
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Holy shit that's a great idea. Start a Twitter account basically explaining how her toothbrush became your new buddy and post pics and updates about your adventures together. Give it a name and talk about like it's a real person. And then post links on your Facebook so her and all her friends will see and follow. Don't make it seem malicious, more like documenting a new pure friendship :rollin.
She blocked me on facebook and instagram so she will never know what happened to her tooth brush.
That would be hilarious; selfies with you, the toothbrush and Mike Portnoy. Selfies with you holding the toothbrush over your head at an Anthrax concert. One of those selfies with you, the toothbrush, and a T-shirt (you know those, where the idea is "whatever it is on the t-shirt made it to [insert obscure place]"?).
I make me laugh.
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As funny as this idea is, I will not be doing any of it. I may just get the fire pit going on Friday night and toss it in. For fun since I've never done that before with any of my ex's stuff...
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So I messaged this woman yesterday morning. She responded rather quickly, answering one of the questions I asked her. However, she also said that she would love to talk but we have someone in common and it would be too awkward for her. She wished me luck with my search and I figured I'd just drop it. My curiosity was awoken though, so I asked her who the person is that we have in common. It turns out she's friends with my ex-wife. A few ploying questions later and now we've been talking back and forth on OKCupid since yesterday. She's my age, so that's a first. :lol She works in the system from which my daughter is currently getting assistance. She is mature and intelligent and really curious about truth and spirituality, so I'm intrigued, and apparently so is she. I'm not going to push the issue because she might be talking to me as a friend with no intentions of meeting, but I feel like she would have just stopped talking to me yesterday to avoid any awkwardness with her friend. I'm going to play this very carefully and not make any capricious decisions.
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Yea, that is odd if she stopped because of the awkwardness but then continued. Do you also think it's awkward she is friends with your ex-wife? Would that prevent you from pursuing her further?
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So I messaged this woman yesterday morning. She responded rather quickly, answering one of the questions I asked her. However, she also said that she would love to talk but we have someone in common and it would be too awkward for her. She wished me luck with my search and I figured I'd just drop it. My curiosity was awoken though, so I asked her who the person is that we have in common. It turns out she's friends with my ex-wife. A few ploying questions later and now we've been talking back and forth on OKCupid since yesterday. She's my age, so that's a first. :lol She works in the system from which my daughter is currently getting assistance. She is mature and intelligent and really curious about truth and spirituality, so I'm intrigued, and apparently so is she. I'm not going to push the issue because she might be talking to me as a friend with no intentions of meeting, but I feel like she would have just stopped talking to me yesterday to avoid any awkwardness with her friend. I'm going to play this very carefully and not make any capricious decisions.
Just curious, and I'm sorry to be blunt, but as someone who has expressed that you have made some poor decisions in this field, do you not see any troubling signs here?
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Yea, that is odd if she stopped because of the awkwardness but then continued. Do you also think it's awkward she is friends with your ex-wife? Would that prevent you from pursuing her further?
It wouldn't be awkward for me. I am going to ask her what changed her mind. Maybe she messaged Nicole about it. I know they're friends on Facebook.
So I messaged this woman yesterday morning. She responded rather quickly, answering one of the questions I asked her. However, she also said that she would love to talk but we have someone in common and it would be too awkward for her. She wished me luck with my search and I figured I'd just drop it. My curiosity was awoken though, so I asked her who the person is that we have in common. It turns out she's friends with my ex-wife. A few ploying questions later and now we've been talking back and forth on OKCupid since yesterday. She's my age, so that's a first. :lol She works in the system from which my daughter is currently getting assistance. She is mature and intelligent and really curious about truth and spirituality, so I'm intrigued, and apparently so is she. I'm not going to push the issue because she might be talking to me as a friend with no intentions of meeting, but I feel like she would have just stopped talking to me yesterday to avoid any awkwardness with her friend. I'm going to play this very carefully and not make any capricious decisions.
Just curious, and I'm sorry to be blunt, but as someone who has expressed that you have made some poor decisions in this field, do you not see any troubling signs here?
The only thing that might cause friction is the mutual friend. My poor decisions were not made because I was unaware of them. My gut told me not to make those decisions but I did anyway for my own reasons. Right now, my gut is telling me to take it slow and see what comes of it. What do you think though?
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As funny as this idea is, I will not be doing any of it. I may just get the fire pit going on Friday night and toss it in. For fun since I've never done that before with any of my ex's stuff...
Bring the toothbrush to Colorado. I'll.... take care of it.
Also, you definitely made the right move based on her reaction. And move to Hoboken, really?!? That's crazy on its own.
I've heard nothing from Vermont since Sunday. He said maybe we could hang this week, I told him to let me know his availability, and he never did. I've pretty much given up at this point. I don't have the time or energy to chase after anybody. I don't think that what he's aiming for, I think he's hella busy. But I don't care how fucking busy you are, you can return a damn text! I'm debating sending him a message asking if I should leave him alone. I don't expect to be a high priority in his life, he's certainly not for me, but its obvious that I'm more willing (or able) to make room for him in my schedule etc. I'm not hugely invested in him, but I'm feeling confused because I thought we had a good thing. *shrug*
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As funny as this idea is, I will not be doing any of it. I may just get the fire pit going on Friday night and toss it in. For fun since I've never done that before with any of my ex's stuff...
Bring the toothbrush to Colorado. I'll.... take care of it.
Bow chica bow wow :hat
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I've got a date with DT Girl (as creative as TinderSuccess is, I'm sure we'd all like to use this nickname :metal) tonight. I'm kinda excited, but also kinda nervous. I wasn't really actively looking for something like this, so it caught me by surprise. And it also feels a little weird being the one who was "persued". I feel like when I message someone, they usually have no opinion about me yet, so I can set myself apart from others in the way I interact. But with this rarity of someone messaging me with something other than Hi, I feel nervous like she already has some " idea" about me, and I likely can only let her down. This all just stems from my anxiety issues. I know she's cool, so I should just relax and enjoy myself.
Then on Friday I have another date. This woman on OKC messaged me several months ago, but I was dating someone and she honestly isn't my usual type. A new profile of hers (I recognized the picture) popped up on my quickmatch. While it had a lot more personality than a lot of people's profiles, it also said specifically that she isn't looking for a serious relationship, but a FWB. I sent her a message and we started chatting, and we got on the same page with what we're looking for (while she tells me how much she loves sex and is terrific at it). We've got plans to grab a drink and then hangout at her place and smoke a little (never planned that first date before :hat). I can tell she's into me, so I'm kinda excited to get some soon :lol. But im also really anxious and nervous because I haven't gotten some in a REALLY LONG TIME :loser:.
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As funny as this idea is, I will not be doing any of it. I may just get the fire pit going on Friday night and toss it in. For fun since I've never done that before with any of my ex's stuff...
Bring the toothbrush to Colorado. I'll.... take care of it.
:rollin be careful what you wish for
As for Vermont, sucks, but maybe you nailed it, you liked him a bit more than he liked you. Seems both of you put each other low on the totem pole and it's not so surprising that one of you got knocked off at some point. Maybe he reaches out to you some time down the line.
Sylvan, your two dates both sound pretty cool, second one sounds like it might get steamy. :hat Good luck.
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I'm always leery of when people say they're "good at" sex, like it's this objective thing. I don't usually hear it from women but in dudes it reeks of insecurity. It's like, I know I give terrific blowjobs but I would never just tell a guy that. The point is for him afterwards to tell me it was terrific!
Other than that, that woman sounds promising, sylvan!
Cram, I wouldn't even say I'm more into him, because we've only met a few times and whatnot, but it seems like he maybe just doesn't have as much free time as I do... not that I have much :lol
He's also obviously not as much of a texter as I am, and I've been in that situation before. It's annoying, though I obviously don't hold it against people.
*shrug*... the ball is in his court, but he's cancelled on me enough that I know better than to move existing plans around for him.
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The woman I was talking to gave me her number. She said it would be easier to text instead of having to keep OKCupid open to talk. We've been messaging back and forth since this morning.
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I'm always leery of when people say they're "good at" sex, like it's this objective thing. I don't usually hear it from women but in dudes it reeks of insecurity. It's like, I know I give terrific blowjobs but I would never just tell a guy that. The point is for him afterwards to tell me it was terrific!
This. So much this. I mean, except for the terrific BJ part, for that I wouldn't know. But it is SO subjective, and SO dependent on your partner. I had partners say it was beyond belief, and partners say it was like watching the news, so how would I know if I'm "good" or not? I guess it's like David Lee Roth says, "It's not who you squeeze, but who returns to squeeze you!"
I do know I'm hung like a horse though.
(j/k; I consider that to be the same thing as "I'm awesome in the sack")
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:lol, yes, I was going to mention that as well. Equally suspicious when guys say that.
In related news, I had some beers with my friend last night and she told me she ended up having a one night stand with the son of the plumber at her school after he tried to set them up (he is apparently a school dean, but she kept saying "I can't believe I'm doing this with the plumber's son!" :lol). Things were not going very well- he was a bad kisser, he kept telling her how sexy she was over and over again... and then when his pants came off he ended up having a ridiculously small penis, like so small she wasn't sure she would be able to feel it... but he started talking dirty to her and saying "You want that big dick in you?!" and she was trying so hard not to laugh at the poor guy. He didn't bring a condom, so they didn't have sex (she neglected to tell him there was one in the nightstand), but he very awkwardly ended up sleeping over because she was too nice to kick him out :lol
She was very jealous when I told her about some of my latest escapades. Her face was like :caffeine:
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:rollin
That's got to be like a mental issue or something. I never talk about my performance with woman, let them find out on their own.
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:lol
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In related news, I had some beers with my friend last night and she told me she ended up having a one night stand with the son of the plumber at her school after he tried to set them up (he is apparently a school dean, but she kept saying "I can't believe I'm doing this with the plumber's son!" :lol). Things were not going very well- he was a bad kisser, he kept telling her how sexy she was over and over again... and then when his pants came off he ended up having a ridiculously small penis, like so small she wasn't sure she would be able to feel it... but he started talking dirty to her and saying "You want that big dick in you?!" and she was trying so hard not to laugh at the poor guy. He didn't bring a condom, so they didn't have sex (she neglected to tell him there was one in the nightstand), but he very awkwardly ended up sleeping over because she was too nice to kick him out :lol
Ordinarily I'd feel sort of bad for the guy, but when you make your own bed...
You have to be at least SOMEWHAT aware. I mean, I know what I measure, and I know what "average" is. If the average is 5" and you're at 3", you need to know that "you want that big dick in you" is not going to resonate. Doesn't mean you can't make it work, but don't call attention to it.
The thing with that is, it depends totally on the number of partners your partner has had. I remember I dated a girl who had only had sex with one other person, so it skews the comparison. I was on the good side of it, but that isn't saying much with one data point. Conversely, you could be Peter North, but if your partner has only ever been with John Holmes, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle.
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So much for this one.... :emo:
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Micro-dick. Apparently it's a thing.
(https://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/southpark/images/3/30/Carlosmencia.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20090412174249)
I got a small dick, man!
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:lol, it is indeed a thing. This girl's ex was apparently huge, so he tainted the little guys for her. Like Stadler said, you can find a way to make 3" work, but don't call attention to it!
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That's what I come back to. Obviously, most guys have an ego, and that can be at odds if you've got a small dick. But I'm missing the disconnect that leads to saying something like that. Maybe I'm too logical and I have too much of a sense of humor to say something like that with a straight face. :rollin
I was supposed to go out with my new potential FWB last night. Then I couldn't get ahold of her. She eventually texted me back saying she had to talk her cousin down because she cheated on her husband. I tried to get her to chill, but she was apprehensive because she didn't just want me to come over to her place for the first meeting. She wants to grab a drink and make sure I'm not a weirdo before she takes me back to prove her skills lol. She also said she's got phenomenal blow job skills, so I challenged her on that. I was thinking about what you guys said when she asked me how I would describe my equipment. So I went the vague route (as to not oversell), and she called me on that and asked for a pic. I have NEVER even thought about sending a dick pic. She then sent me a couple pics, so I said what the fuck! That was a lot of fun.
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I'm always leery of when people say they're "good at" sex, like it's this objective thing. I don't usually hear it from women but in dudes it reeks of insecurity. It's like, I know I give terrific blowjobs but I would never just tell a guy that. The point is for him afterwards to tell me it was terrific!
Prove it.
:metal :coolio
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She also said she's got phenomenal blow job skills, so I challenged her on that.
This is making me jealous, nothing in the world beats a good BJ.
I was thinking about what you guys said when she asked me how I would describe my equipment. So I went the vague route (as to not oversell), and she called me on that and asked for a pic. I have NEVER even thought about sending a dick pic. She then sent me a couple pics, so I said what the fuck! That was a lot of fun.
Good ole sexting :metal
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Don't be jealous yet. She's hyping herself up too much, IMO. Bad sign. Unless you specifically asked her, I guess...
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Don't be jealous yet. She's hyping herself up too much, IMO. Bad sign. Unless you specifically asked her, I guess...
True, could be like micro-dick dude. :lol
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:rollin
I'm not putting any stock in it. It's all just part of the fun. Hopefully it will be moot soon enough. :yarr
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So, I told Nicole that her friend and I have been talking.
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Are you still talking to her? You made it sound like that was done.
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I thought it was. She was afraid of what her friend would think, so I told her friend. We're still talking. We talk all day long but I don't know if she's feeling better about everything. I don't want to force the issue.
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We spoke on the phone for about 3 hours last night. We were trading OKCupid horror stories. She clearly wins. Poor woman. I want to ask her out for a drink or tea (she doesn't drink coffee) but I don't know if she felt better about the whole thing with my ex being her friend. She asked me what my ex said when I told her about it, so I showed her the conversation. First she told me her friend is a great person. Then she said there's no reason for anyone to feel awkward. You can do what you want. So Lorraine (I call her Snow by the way) said it was nice of her to say that. Am I to believe that she feels better about this now?
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Couldn't even tell you, your situation is over my head. I think I would have walked away once realizing she is my ex's friend.
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Couldn't even tell you, your situation is over my head. I think I would have walked away once realizing she is my ex's friend.
Or at the very least, be sure that she is worth any potential trouble. And the potential for trouble here is at a HIGH level. It seems like they're getting closer to being on the same page though.
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Couldn't even tell you, your situation is over my head. I think I would have walked away once realizing she is my ex's friend.
Or at the very least, be sure that she is worth any potential trouble. And the potential for trouble here is at a HIGH level. It seems like they're getting closer to being on the same page though.
Yea agreed, if things are going well and all parties are cool, then I guess it's safe to proceed, but I don't think I would have gotten to that point personally because of that relationship so that's why I am not sure I have any good input here.
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Couldn't even tell you, your situation is over my head. I think I would have walked away once realizing she is my ex's friend.
Or at the very least, be sure that she is worth any potential trouble. And the potential for trouble here is at a HIGH level. It seems like they're getting closer to being on the same page though.
Yea agreed, if things are going well and all parties are cool, then I guess it's safe to proceed, but I don't think I would have gotten to that point personally because of that relationship so that's why I am not sure I have any good input here.
I'm going to take it a day at a time. She has definitely moved closer to wanting to try to make it work. She didn't want to accept my Facebook request because of what Nicole might think, but since she found out Nicole was okay with everything, she accepted it this morning. They're not best friends or anything. They went to school together years ago. I think it would be different if it was her best friend or someone really close.
Yes, from the few conversations we've had, she definitely seems like someone worth the trouble. She's an amazing woman and has a kind heart, still believes in fairytale endings. She's my age and has two kids so I know she's really looking for someone to settle down with.
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Couldn't even tell you, your situation is over my head. I think I would have walked away once realizing she is my ex's friend.
Or at the very least, be sure that she is worth any potential trouble. And the potential for trouble here is at a HIGH level. It seems like they're getting closer to being on the same page though.
Yea agreed, if things are going well and all parties are cool, then I guess it's safe to proceed, but I don't think I would have gotten to that point personally because of that relationship so that's why I am not sure I have any good input here.
I'm going to take it a day at a time. She has definitely moved closer to wanting to try to make it work. She didn't want to accept my Facebook request because of what Nicole might think, but since she found out Nicole was okay with everything, she accepted it this morning. They're not best friends or anything. They went to school together years ago. I think it would be different if it was her best friend or someone really close.
Yes, from the few conversations we've had, she definitely seems like someone worth the trouble. She's an amazing woman and has a kind heart, still believes in fairytale endings. She's my age and has two kids so I know she's really looking for someone to settle down with.
That's pretty good then. If they are more like acquaintances than good friends then I guess it's not a big deal, the world is small, people are going to know people.
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I'm hopeful about this. She's quite an amazing woman. We've been texting from morning till night since Tuesday afternoon. Last night we spent a few hours on the phone BSing. It's nice to finally be able to connect with someone with a head on their shoulders.
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I'm hopeful about this. She's quite an amazing woman. We've been texting from morning till night since Tuesday afternoon. Last night we spent a few hours on the phone BSing. It's nice to finally be able to connect with someone with a head on their shoulders.
Yea, that is great, sounds good then.
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I'm always leery of when people say they're "good at" sex, like it's this objective thing. I don't usually hear it from women but in dudes it reeks of insecurity. It's like, I know I give terrific blowjobs but I would never just tell a guy that. The point is for him afterwards to tell me it was terrific!
Prove it.
:metal :coolio
I was going to go with the "pics or it ain't true", but thought better of it. ;) :)
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I'm always leery of when people say they're "good at" sex, like it's this objective thing. I don't usually hear it from women but in dudes it reeks of insecurity. It's like, I know I give terrific blowjobs but I would never just tell a guy that. The point is for him afterwards to tell me it was terrific!
Prove it.
:metal :coolio
I was going to go with the "pics or it ain't true", but thought better of it. ;) :)
Video would be more appropriate
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I just said the same thing to someone that said she's sitting on the back of a bus and wondering if she could masturbate without anyone noticing.
Pics/Video or it didn't happen!
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I just said the same thing to someone that said she's sitting on the back of a bus and wondering if she could masturbate without anyone noticing.
Pics/Video or it didn't happen!
:lol what bus is she riding, you should find it
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I just said the same thing to someone that said she's sitting on the back of a bus and wondering if she could masturbate without anyone noticing.
Pics/Video or it didn't happen!
:lol what bus is she riding, you should find it
Actually you should let us know what bus that is so we can confirm. In the name of science, you know.
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:lol
So Vermont resurfaced yesterday and was very apologetic. He said he was super busy with his new job and had roommate drama (he lives with several people and apparently one is a huge dick) and totally blanked on contacting me. After attempting to make plans for lots of different days (I had plans all of them) he eventually asked if I was free last night and I happened to be. He made up for his flakiness quite well, I think :eyebrows:. We probably won't see each other for a few weeks the way things are going, but I have enough detachment at this point that I'm not too worried about it. He's super fun and I like hanging with him a lot, but know better than to invest much at this point.
In other news, I have a date with the ginger tomorrow! I have been enjoying hanging with her but have to say some things about her personality rub me the wrong way. Nothing terrible or deal-breaking, I'm just noticing it happening.
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Gingers tend to do that.
Source: Dated one for 4 years.
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I'm hopeful about this. She's quite an amazing woman. We've been texting from morning till night since Tuesday afternoon. Last night we spent a few hours on the phone BSing. It's nice to finally be able to connect with someone with a head on their shoulders.
Yea, that is great, sounds good then.
We're supposed to get together tomorrow night.
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Gingers tend to do that.
Source: Dated one for 4 years.
That what happens when a person lacks a soul.
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Gingers tend to do that.
Source: Dated one for 4 years.
I say your ginger was unbalanced. I've been with the same ginger since 1991.
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:lol
Does your ginger assume everybody is attracted to her because she's a ginger? That weirds me out.
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Nope. She is pleasantly surprised when she gets hit on.
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Last time I brought my dog to the vet, we saw a new doctor lady. She was a ginger and possibly one of the top 10 most beautiful women I've ever seen with my own eyes.
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Last time I brought my dog to the vet, we saw a new doctor lady. She was a ginger and possibly one of the top 10 most beautiful women I've ever seen with my own eyes.
How many have you seen with someone else's eyes? :neverusethis:
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Last time I brought my dog to the vet, we saw a new doctor lady. She was a ginger and possibly one of the top 10 most beautiful women I've ever seen with my own eyes.
How many have you seen with someone else's eyes? :neverusethis:
I don't count camera lenses.
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Am I showing my age when I say "what's the bug ficking deal with 'ginger'"? Isn't that what we were fine calling a 'red head' for the better part of the recorded history of mankind?
Redheads are like any other person: some are hot and some are not.
(Having said that, and not to be crass, but red "carpeting" so to speak is pretty damn sexy).
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Am I showing my age when I say "what's the bug ficking deal with 'ginger'"? Isn't that what we were fine calling a 'red head' for the better part of the recorded history of mankind?
Redheads are like any other person: some are hot and some are not.
But they are getting phased out of the human genome and sightings are becoming more infrequent with each passing generation!
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Am I showing my age when I say "what's the bug ficking deal with 'ginger'"? Isn't that what we were fine calling a 'red head' for the better part of the recorded history of mankind?
Redheads are like any other person: some are hot and some are not.
(Having said that, and not to be crass, but red "carpeting" so to speak is pretty damn sexy).
I find most gingers unattractive honestly, but the ones that are attractive usually are really hot. Maybe because like Chino said, it's a bit more rare. And I thought the difference between ginger and red head is that a red head just has red hair where as a ginger also has all the freckles. Which is usually the case for red heads, but not all.
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I find most gingers unattractive honestly, but the ones that are attractive usually are really hot.
I will agree with this.
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The date went extremely well last night. We did the pre-date thing to see if things felt comfortable before going somewhere, so we met at Starbucks and bs'd for a while. I asked her if she felt like getting something to eat, to which she happily obliged. We went to Miller's Ale House and talked for hours without a moment of that awkward silence. Our pasts are very similar in regards to relationships. We're working on another date. We both want to see The Huntsman when it comes out so we're working on an evening that works for the both of us. I'm sure we'll see each other between now and then and meet for coffee or something but so far things are looking good.
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I find most gingers unattractive honestly, but the ones that are attractive usually are really hot.
I will agree with this.
Me too.
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The date went extremely well last night. We did the pre-date thing to see if things felt comfortable before going somewhere, so we met at Starbucks and bs'd for a while. I asked her if she felt like getting something to eat, to which she happily obliged. We went to Miller's Ale House and talked for hours without a moment of that awkward silence. Our pasts are very similar in regards to relationships. We're working on another date. We both want to see The Huntsman when it comes out so we're working on an evening that works for the both of us. I'm sure we'll see each other between now and then and meet for coffee or something but so far things are looking good.
"meet for coffee" :hat
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The date went extremely well last night. We did the pre-date thing to see if things felt comfortable before going somewhere, so we met at Starbucks and bs'd for a while. I asked her if she felt like getting something to eat, to which she happily obliged. We went to Miller's Ale House and talked for hours without a moment of that awkward silence. Our pasts are very similar in regards to relationships. We're working on another date. We both want to see The Huntsman when it comes out so we're working on an evening that works for the both of us. I'm sure we'll see each other between now and then and meet for coffee or something but so far things are looking good.
"meet for coffee" :hat
:lol
It really does mean that. Neither of us are looking to rush into anything. Last night ended with quick kiss and I'm fine with that. I know what she's been through in the past and I don't want to force anything on her. I know what she wants and I know I can give it to her, but we are both aware that trusting people is not the easiest thing to do for us. We both agreed that we want things to happen naturally so we're able to better see what goes right and wrong. In the past I might have been disappointed with just a quick kiss and a goodnight but this girl is one of the good ones and I don't want to let her slip through my fingers. I can't live like I have in the past, ignoring my instincts. It only got me into trouble. Following my instincts has never led me astray and right now I have a really great feeling about her.
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The date went extremely well last night. We did the pre-date thing to see if things felt comfortable before going somewhere, so we met at Starbucks and bs'd for a while. I asked her if she felt like getting something to eat, to which she happily obliged. We went to Miller's Ale House and talked for hours without a moment of that awkward silence. Our pasts are very similar in regards to relationships. We're working on another date. We both want to see The Huntsman when it comes out so we're working on an evening that works for the both of us. I'm sure we'll see each other between now and then and meet for coffee or something but so far things are looking good.
"meet for coffee" :hat
:lol
It really does mean that. Neither of us are looking to rush into anything. Last night ended with quick kiss and I'm fine with that. I know what she's been through in the past and I don't want to force anything on her. I know what she wants and I know I can give it to her, but we are both aware that trusting people is not the easiest thing to do for us. We both agreed that we want things to happen naturally so we're able to better see what goes right and wrong. In the past I might have been disappointed with just a quick kiss and a goodnight but this girl is one of the good ones and I don't want to let her slip through my fingers. I can't live like I have in the past, ignoring my instincts. It only got me into trouble. Following my instincts has never led me astray and right now I have a really great feeling about her.
I feel the same way, when you really are into a girl then I have no problem with taking time and not rushing into banging immediately. Good stuff Prog, sounds like you may have met a great girl.
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I truly feel like I have.
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I missed all the ginger talk.
My ginger wasn't just getting hit on by everyone... shit was also getting hit by everyone.
she cheated
:emo:
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Regarding the term "ginger" I was once openly admonished for using it. I was told it is like saying the n-word and whatever board I was one said it was considered a slur. I'm pretty sure this was a UK music board of some sort. I seem to recall someone else there being berated for using the term "spaz" as well.
Maybe it is a regional thing? I just know that I don't use that term any longer for fear of being thought of as a bigot. :-\
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I love Red Heads so I don't use it as a negative thing. I'm sure there are people who are offended by it.
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I'm sure there are people who are offended by it.
I think the south park episode about gingers lead to a lot more ginger jokes and the term became more popular and since it was associated with the jokes, some people found it offensive. I never really thought of it as offensive, but it is clearly a label for a certain type of look and any name for that will lead to people finding it offensive.
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I started using tit more when I started seeing referring to dyed "Red Heads" as Red Heads more than Natural Reds.
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I love using tits more.
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I love using tits more.
:tup :tup
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it*
lmao
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I finally got a chance to hangout with my potential FWB. I met her and her friend at her house and we smoked for a while before her friend left and we got to hangout alone. I feel like such a pussy! I don't know why I can't get out of my own head, even when I'm sitting alone with a cool chick that I've been talking to about all sorts of sexual shit. She seemed a little quiet, so I was having a hard time reading her. But she was telling me not to have overthink things. I think that was my window, but my anxiety got the better of me, AGAIN. It's weird becuase I've never progressed any relationship in this way. She said she'd like to hangout tonight, but I haven't heard back from her today. I hope I get another chance.
I've also been talking to another woman. Totally cool personality, I'm just not sure how many overlapping interests we have. But she keeps making comments like "sexy" and things like that. She initiated contact online, and I'm not totally sure what she's looking for. I don't have the energy or passion to put into something serious right now, so I think I might just have to bring it up somehow.
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I finally got a chance to hangout with my potential FWB. I met her and her friend at her house and we smoked for a while before her friend left and we got to hangout alone. I feel like such a pussy! I don't know why I can't get out of my own head, even when I'm sitting alone with a cool chick that I've been talking to about all sorts of sexual shit. She seemed a little quiet, so I was having a hard time reading her. But she was telling me not to have overthink things. I think that was my window, but my anxiety got the better of me, AGAIN. It's weird becuase I've never progressed any relationship in this way. She said she'd like to hangout tonight, but I haven't heard back from her today. I hope I get another chance.
I totally bottle up sometimes myself. Just got to feel confident in yourself to make the move. Hopefully she likes you and gives you that second chance.
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I finally got a chance to hangout with my potential FWB. I met her and her friend at her house and we smoked for a while before her friend left and we got to hangout alone. I feel like such a pussy! I don't know why I can't get out of my own head, even when I'm sitting alone with a cool chick that I've been talking to about all sorts of sexual shit. She seemed a little quiet, so I was having a hard time reading her. But she was telling me not to have overthink things. I think that was my window, but my anxiety got the better of me, AGAIN. It's weird becuase I've never progressed any relationship in this way. She said she'd like to hangout tonight, but I haven't heard back from her today. I hope I get another chance.
I've never been very good with the "friends with benefits" scheme, but I do know this: the few times I have been involved in that kind of thing, it is a DIRECT CAUSATION: the more I thought about it, the less successful it was.
I will say this: If you've already talked this through somewhat, and she's actively telling you not to over think things, then that's all you really have to "read", isn't it?
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Well this has been an interesting morning.
There's this girl who works as a caregiver for a resident at my work. She's really sweet, and I'll admit she's also fucking beautiful. Like... holy shit drop dead gorgeous head turning beautiful (IMO). She comes in through the gate every day and we chit chat / flirt for a few before she heads in. Never anything serious because she is was married.
This morning she pulled up and made a comment on how she was Facebook stalking an ex of hers, and somehow I came up on her "People you may know" list. So she let curiosity get the best of her and did a little looking on my profile. Said something about my friends and I being metalheads (not in a bad way) and mentioned how a friend of mine, who works here now, used to have long hair and it looked awesome. She then told me to tell Aaron, another friend of mine (who was in the photos) Hi for her.
Ok... weird
So I message Aaron and ask him how he knew her.
He goes "Oh. I went to High School with her!"
Then he says "She also dated [my brother] for a while."
WTF
So I send my older brother a text and asked him about her. He called me an hour later and confirmed they dated and yadda yadda. He also said she's really sweet yadda yadda and things end heated between the 2 of them but nothing horrible. He then said if I had any interest, to go for it.
Lol wut
So... I stopped her as she was coming through my gate and bluntly said "So... you dated my brother so and so?
She turned bright red... "You're so and so's brother??!?!? NO... That is NOT possible! How.. NO.. this isn't happening.."
And we chit chatted about my brother for a few and she asked about my mother and what not. (Mind you this is an abridged version) and she mentioned how she wants to go back to pretending like we don't know eachother (in this sense).
I then told her that it's ok... I only have another week or so here and then I am gone. She told me that that's actually really depressing, and she's going to add me on FB and wants to get together for coffee.
...
What... just happened?
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Maybe ask your brother what just happened? :lol
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I don't know if I should. :JayOctavarium:
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Just passing by to say this heart isn't lonely anymore :smiley:
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Just passing by to say this heart isn't lonely anymore :smiley:
:tup
I'm not even trying at this point. After tindersuccess I just kind of have stopped caring about finding a girl for a little (well it's only been a couple weeks, but I don't feel like I even really want to for the near future). I need some time to work on myself. Specifically my look. I want to lose weight and I need to figure out how to actually style my hair :lol. But seriously, my weight is an issue with finding a girl I think, at least it will open up my potential pool.
I went through this phase over the summer where I just stepped back and spent two months going hardcore and getting into better shape, only to travel a lot, then needed surgery, then my grandpa passed away and just put all the weight back on (excuses, excuses). I notice so many unnattractive girls I message on okcupid or tinder and they ignore me, and I feel it's 100% due to my weight. Even my good friend, one of his girls said I have a cute face, but I'm over weight and it'll throw most girls off. I believe it. I personally don't mind a little chunkiness on a girl, I like curves, but I know girls don't really like curves on guys.
Anyway, I also kind of had this revelation as well last week. I was in Denver for work and I noticed how every single person is in amazing shape. I'd never be able to get with any of these girls. I went to the Red Rocks Amphitheater and walked to the top, I was so out of breath and looked around at everyone working out and how much easier it was for them than me. I need to go back and make it to the top more easily on my next trip. That was some serious motivation right there.
Anyway, enough of my rant against my body fat. I know what needs to be done, now I just need to commit to it. Today is day 2. This was a yearly goal for myself as well, to get back to the way I was over the summer, lose at least 20 lbs and keep it off.
Having said all that, I actually am talking to a few girls, but I'm not at all seriously interested, mostly just to pass time and converse with people than thinking these are serious options. Maybe something comes of it, but like I said above, I'm just not in the mindset to find a "partner" right now.
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Congrats Sacul!
I've been on a few dates from Okcupid in the past few months. Nice enough girls, but didn't feel anything for them.
Then again, I'm going to Vegas with Bout to Crash in a few days, and who could possibly measure up to that?
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Congrats Sacul!
I've been on a few dates from Okcupid in the past few months. Nice enough girls, but didn't feel anything for them.
Then again, I'm going to Vegas with Bout to Crash in a few days, and who could possibly measure up to that?
Vegas baby!! I want to go back badly. That sounds like fun.
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You may not be able to keep up with her! She has so much energy seizing the moment.
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:tup
Congrats Sacul!
Thanks! I'll later update you with the situation as I'd really like some advice on certain stuff since it's my (and hers) first time on something like this, and don't want to screw up :P
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You may not be able to keep up with her! She has so much energy seizing the moment.
He better keep up with dis :eyebrows:
For the record cram, I've got no beef with some meat on my dudes. I mean, I don't find morbidly obese attractive, but I've dated plenty of larger gentlemen. That said, I wouldn't even have put you into that category, but since you didn't hit me up whIle you were in Denver, I hate you.
I'm also trying to slowly get my ass into better shape- have been working out, joined a gym, paying a bit more attention to my food intake but not "dieting." I've lost 3.6 lbs in the last three weeks, so that's cool.
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It's good to hear that some of you are working on getting healthier, even if it's so you can look better naked ;). I'm a fitness professional, so if anybody has any questions, feel free to ask. And it's not about "dieting" Jackie, it's about changing your daily habits and finding something that works for you in the long term. Our little club is gonna be hot yo!
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Ha, I am so over trying to look better naked. That ain't gonna change too much but I want to feel healthier and lose some of the weight I put on since moving to CO. And yeah, I put "diet" in quotes because it's stupid to do that IMO. It's not sustainable. I just kind of lost track of what I was eating. My mom got me a fitbit which has been cool.
My fitness professional question for you- what kind of exercises would you recommend for strengthening a shitty knee? I've been trying not to overdo the running, use the elliptical when I'm at the gym, and doing lots of yoga and stretches focusing on my leg muscles. Any other ideas would be appreciated :D
In more on-topic news, the weed guy texted me out of the blue today. Can't remember what his nickname here was, but the one who always wanted me to come to his place, etc. We hadn't talked in over two months since I decided I was done with that shit. He sent me a pic of this "Jackelope" Gin at his liquor store and said it reminded him of me and he hoped I was doing ok. I debated on answering but ended up just sending a lighthearted response about the gin and saying I hoped things were well or whatever. He replied but I left it there. I don't mind things being friendly between us (because I don't like having bad blood with people, and I can maybe shop in his liquor store without feeling hella awkward :lol) but didn't really want to open that door very wide.
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Jackie, you are probably one of the most open minded females I have met. As you know in NJ, the people here aren't quite so open minded, the fact that I am overweight is definitely a problem with getting "access" to a lot of the woman here. Regardless, I didn't reach out to you last week because I knew you seemed busy, plus I honestly wanted some alone time for the week, do some soul searching in a way since I've been feeling like something is a little off. I also had twice as much work as last trip so my flexibility was very low (besides Saturday morning before my flight when I made it to the Red Rocks Park). Anyway, next time I'll hit you up, don't hate me!
I don't mind things being friendly between us (because I don't like having bad blood with people, and I can maybe shop in his liquor store without feeling hella awkward :lol) but didn't really want to open that door very wide.
This is how I feel with x dates. I would always want things to end in such a way that if I saw you on the street I would feel comfortable saying hi and not have to result to crossing the street to avoid confrontation. I was quite annoyed that tindersuccess was against this idea of just being friendly, not friends, but friendly. Whatever, her choice and that's that. I would have done the same thing with the weed guy, responded to be friendly, but not continue a conversation that may lead him to believe there was still interest.
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My girlfriend leaves tomorrow for a 10 day trip to Ireland. My heart is going to be super lonely. I think video games, poker, and housework should hold me over till about Sunday afternoon.
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My girlfriend leaves tomorrow for a 10 day trip to Ireland. My heart is going to be super lonely. I think video games, poker, and housework should hold me over till about Sunday afternoon.
I don't think I was ever lonely when my ex would take a trip or be away from home for a few days. I'd have so much fun :lol
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My girlfriend leaves tomorrow for a 10 day trip to Ireland. My heart is going to be super lonely. I think video games, poker, and housework should hold me over till about Sunday afternoon.
I don't think I was ever lonely when my ex would take a trip or be away from home for a few days. I'd have so much fun :lol
If it was just three or four days, I'd be stoked, especially if it was the weekend. But 11 days is a lot, at least to me. I don't go out or do anything during the week because of my work schedule, so having someone else at the house is nice.
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My girlfriend leaves tomorrow for a 10 day trip to Ireland. My heart is going to be super lonely. I think video games, poker, and housework should hold me over till about Sunday afternoon.
I don't think I was ever lonely when my ex would take a trip or be away from home for a few days. I'd have so much fun :lol
If it was just three or four days, I'd be stoked, especially if it was the weekend. But 11 days is a lot, at least to me. I don't go out or do anything during the week because of my work schedule, so having someone else at the house is nice.
I guess that is just because I didn't really like my ex :lol I don't think she was ever away for more than a week though. I also usually keep it simple on week nights because of work so I know what you mean. Now I live with my brother who never leaves the house so I really enjoy the rarity when he spends the night out and I can enjoy my own house to myself.
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I'm with Chino; your "partner going away" is kind of like New Orleans or Vegas or a cruise; great for about 2 or 3 days, but by day 4 or so you're almost ready to go home, and by day 11, you're like "what the fuck, this has got to END!".
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I would not feel that way about 11 days in Vegas... maybe it's better that I just stay single :lol
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I would not feel that way about 11 days in Vegas... maybe it's better that I just stay single :lol
As much as I love Vegas, 11 days would leave me broke or dead or both.
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I would not feel that way about 11 days in Vegas... maybe it's better that I just stay single :lol
As much as I love Vegas, 11 days would leave me broke or dead or both.
I went to the strip for the first time a few weeks ago. I drove down it last year but actually walked around it this most most recent trip. I was ready to go after 15 minutes. Nothing but shopping outlets and chain restaurants. I've been spoiled by Mohegan and found the casinos I went into to be nothing special. I don't have the slightest desire to ever go back to the strip.
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I would not feel that way about 11 days in Vegas... maybe it's better that I just stay single :lol
As much as I love Vegas, 11 days would leave me broke or dead or both.
I went to the strip for the first time a few weeks ago. I drove down it last year but actually walked around it this most most recent trip. I was ready to go after 15 minutes. Nothing but shopping outlets and chain restaurants. I've been spoiled by Mohegan and found the casinos I went into to be nothing special. I don't have the slightest desire to ever go back to the strip.
wat, those casinos nothing special? They are huge and so nice. If you aren't a partier or gambler than it makes sense, also the food is awesome, but you need to go inside the casinos to get that good food. I've gone three times and just got my monthly letter from the Venetian yesterday telling me to come back.. I'm going to bite one day on those free nights they keep offering. I've never been to the Mohegan so I can't compare to that, but nothing in AC compares to Vegas IMO.
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I love Vegas. We went out last summer for 5 nights and 6 days and I could have easily stayed for twice as long. Woke up and got breakfast every day, then hit the 11am poker tournament. Whenever that ended for me, lunch by the pool and enjoying the sights there for a while (except for the day I won :metal). Back up to the hotel room around 4 or 5 to shower and maybe nap. Out to a different hotel/casino each night to walk around and have a great dinner. Back to my hotel for some late night gambling, and maybe a nightcap at the whiskey bar on my way to bed.
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See, I'm not a big enough gambler to do that for so many days. I eventually run out of money or just get fed up with being inside a casino.
Forgot to mention the shows, that's another reason Vegas is awesome, the entertainment out there.
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I would not feel that way about 11 days in Vegas... maybe it's better that I just stay single :lol
As much as I love Vegas, 11 days would leave me broke or dead or both.
I went to the strip for the first time a few weeks ago. I drove down it last year but actually walked around it this most most recent trip. I was ready to go after 15 minutes. Nothing but shopping outlets and chain restaurants. I've been spoiled by Mohegan and found the casinos I went into to be nothing special. I don't have the slightest desire to ever go back to the strip.
wat, those casinos nothing special? They are huge and so nice. If you aren't a partier or gambler than it makes sense, also the food is awesome, but you need to go inside the casinos to get that good food. I've gone three times and just got my monthly letter from the Venetian yesterday telling me to come back.. I'm going to bite one day on those free nights they keep offering. I've never been to the Mohegan so I can't compare to that, but nothing in AC compares to Vegas IMO.
Yeah. I found them boring. The hotels were really nice, but the Casinos themselves were honestly nothing special. Connecticut's Foxwoods and Mohegan casinos are the two largest casinos in the country. They are no joke. If you don't include the hotel and focus only on the casino portion, I think Mohegan has anything I saw in Vegas beat.
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Out of curiosity I looked those casinos up, holy shit Foxwoods is huge. Maybe I should make a trip up there to check it out.
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Foxwoods is almost too big. I almost never go to that one. Last time I went, I wanted to grab some grub at like 2AM. It was a solid 15-20 minute walk INSIDE to get to Fudruckers. By the time I got back to my hotel room, my breakfast sammich was ice cold :sadpanda:
I'd be more than down to arrange a DTF casino venture.
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You should. I'm partial to Mohegan because I know a couple tribe members, but either one is spectacular. I like Vegas for the vibe - goes on in Vegas, stays in Vegas, even if I don't at all take advantage of that, and I get an odd kick out of talking to the escorts from LA that come up on the weeknights - but Chino is right; they don't compare.
It's gotten to the point that basically any decent act that comes through Connecticut plays either Foxwoods or Mohegan at some point. One time I was walking around and I heard Vince Neil's screeching caterwaul, and sure enough he was playing the Wolf's Den, which is basically a small club right in the middle of one of the casinos, and free. So I sat at a machine, got a free drink and listened to him stammer his way through subpar Crue knockoffs and a weak Zeppelin medley for an hour or so. Big names like Springsteen and Prince and Ken Chesney will do two nights, and basically stay there for the weekend. When Buffett plays, he pays for a part of the parking lot so the RVs and tailgaters can set up shop for a couple days. It's fun in a way that Vegas doesn't touch anymore (though I will say that I may go out there to see one of the "residences"; that sounds pretty cool).
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Foxwoods is almost too big. I almost never go to that one. Last time I went, I wanted to grab some grub at like 2AM. It was a solid 15-20 minute walk INSIDE to get to Fudruckers. By the time I got back to my hotel room, my breakfast sammich was ice cold :sadpanda:
I'd be more than down to arrange a DTF casino venture.
Consider me in
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Lonely hearts casino club
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That might well be relevant to my interests.
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When are we doing this?
Stadler, can your Mohegan tribe buddies comp us rooms? :lol
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When are we doing this?
Stadler, can your Mohegan tribe buddies comp us rooms? :lol
Yes please :biggrin:
I wasn't sure how serious you were, but if this is a legit idea I'd talk some dates. But can't do anything until after April for sure.
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No venture to CT would be complete without a tour of THE parking garage.
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No venture to CT would be complete without a tour of THE parking garage.
That's a solid hour and a half from Mohegan, if not more :lol
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No venture to CT would be complete without a tour of THE parking garage.
That's a solid hour and a half from Mohegan, if not more :lol
:rollin
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No venture to CT would be complete without a tour of THE parking garage.
That's a solid hour and a half from Mohegan, if not more :lol
:rollin
So maybe on a drunken bet we'll wind up there and pee on the cone. :lol
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Hahaha, I have this mental picture of 8 or 9 guys standing in a parking garage waiting for some woman to park her car. I see "police" on the horizon. :)
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Screw that, here's 2 dollars kid, go park my car.
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:lol, the mental image.
Jackie, you are probably one of the most open minded females I have met. As you know in NJ, the people here aren't quite so open minded, the fact that I am overweight is definitely a problem with getting "access" to a lot of the woman here. Regardless, I didn't reach out to you last week because I knew you seemed busy, plus I honestly wanted some alone time for the week, do some soul searching in a way since I've been feeling like something is a little off. I also had twice as much work as last trip so my flexibility was very low (besides Saturday morning before my flight when I made it to the Red Rocks Park). Anyway, next time I'll hit you up, don't hate me!
I don't mind things being friendly between us (because I don't like having bad blood with people, and I can maybe shop in his liquor store without feeling hella awkward :lol) but didn't really want to open that door very wide.
This is how I feel with x dates. I would always want things to end in such a way that if I saw you on the street I would feel comfortable saying hi and not have to result to crossing the street to avoid confrontation. I was quite annoyed that tindersuccess was against this idea of just being friendly, not friends, but friendly. Whatever, her choice and that's that. I would have done the same thing with the weed guy, responded to be friendly, but not continue a conversation that may lead him to believe there was still interest.
Exactly. My hope is that he was just being friendly, but part of me thinks he was testing the waters because he's feeling lonely... which is why I didn't give him too much to work with. And yeah, I only really have one ex that I would cross the street (and more) to avoid, and that's because he's a fucking sociopath who probably still has it out for me after I "ruined his life" (i.e. told the woman who he was practically married to and who was supporting him that he was fucking me and smoking meth/fucking dudes/lying to her on an hourly basis).
Some other encounters might be awkward, but I wouldn't freak out if I saw the dudes.
And fiiine, I won't hate you :p
Yeah, I feel your pain with the weight thing though. I mean, I got some when I was a fat chick (and I mean really fat, not a few lbs overweight), but didn't have very much luck. Fat girls do get fetishized a bit and therefore laid, but most people wouldn't have given me a second glance and most of the people who slept with me didn't want to date me.
But really, anybody who won't give you a chance due to weight alone is hella shallow. I understand if it's not your thing, but even then... there were dudes I wasn't initially attracted to, but when I got to know them that changed.
Funny story: my first college boyfriend was quite a chunky dude, and my second college boyfriend was a stick. Second guy actually said one time that he felt insecure about whether I liked him because of his weight, because the first one had been fat :lol... I was like dude, I have no type. Fat, skinny, bodybuilder, whatever. Sure, if you asked me to draw my "ideal" he or she might look a certain way (like Nicolas Cage, either sex) but that doesn't mean anything at all. I've dated/screwed quite a wide variety of colors, weights, heights, ages. It's alllll good. The Jackalope don't discriminate.
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Here's the problem with the weight for me. Dating today and finding a person is so different than it used to be. Before I became single a year and a half ago, I met all my gf's through friends. They got to know me and over time they started to like me because of who I was, not necessarily my looks.
Today it's different. Sure you can go down the path I used to, but I don't really know many single people anymore, let alone girls, or even girls who could introduce me to single girls. My best path to meeting someone is through online dating. That means swiping and that like which results in no one actually knowing you, but judging you almost exclusively by your looks. So if you are overweight, it's a struggle to get liked by girls for that reason alone. Granted, I've been able to find girls and all, but I feel like my potential is not high enough and I can open the door to many more if I just lost some weight.
We shall see if my theory works, but that requires me to get to that point first. Regardless, even if my motive wasn't for "getting girls" losing weight is a good thing regardless for my own health and well being. In fact, my brother lost 20 lbs over the last couple months so I am joining him on having a healthier household.
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Awesome! And yeah, that's a good point about the online dating versus meeting people organically. For me, appearance of course plays a role in attraction but a huge portion of it is mental and the kind of vibes a person sends out. I know people I've been initially attracted to have totally turned me off with their attitude or lack of confidence, and vice versa. But yeah, if somebody isn't even willing to give you a chance because of a few extra pounds, then none of that matters.
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Awesome! And yeah, that's a good point about the online dating versus meeting people organically. For me, appearance of course plays a role in attraction but a huge portion of it is mental and the kind of vibes a person sends out. I know people I've been initially attracted to have totally turned me off with their attitude or lack of confidence, and vice versa. But yeah, if somebody isn't even willing to give you a chance because of a few extra pounds, then none of that matters.
Yea totally. I'm all about personality in a girl. Looks are important and it's part of the initial attraction, but it's the personality that keeps me coming back (if I like it). But you hit it, if you don't get the chance to show off your personality, then none of it matters.
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What about bars? I don't mean meatmarkets and what not, but I know for me, when I was going through and immediately after my divorce, there was a good Irish gastro-pub around the corner from me that was a nice mix of locals (it was the place the other servers, cooks and bartenders would go to after their shifts) and college students (UConn law was around the corner). They also ran trivia one night a week, and ran movies another (I don't think that was totally aboveboard, but whatever), and bands a third night. And it worked out because I would sit at the end of the bar, and I got to know the bartenders, and would literally talk to just about whoever would sit next to me. I got more phone numbers doing that than I could ever call. There's no problems with looks, because they see you, and you can strike up a convo and show off your humor/smarts/suave/whatever you're packin'.
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Yea, bars are an option, but my problem is I don't particularly like hanging in bars during the week. But more importantly, I'm ridiculously shy when it comes to approaching someone in that situation. I've tried before, and failed. I have never once in my life successfully picked up a girl at a bar (or anywhere for that matter) so I don't see it as a realistic option that will work for me. But it is an option and maybe if I work on my game a bit more I can make that scenario work, but like I said, I really don't like just chilling in bars by myself anyway, especially during the work week where I rarely even go out since I'm usually just wanting to relax when I get home.
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Fourth time in the last week I've asked this girl to hang out and I'm still getting no's.
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Fourth time in the last week I've asked this girl to hang out and I'm still getting no's.
Is she not interested then?
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I don't know. I mean, if someone is showing interest and you keep turning them down, I would assume that if you really wanted to see this person, you would offer them a solution instead of continuing to reject them. I am just getting a bad feeling now. I haven't messaged her since then because I am trying to avoid coming off strongly because, right now, I'm really getting irritated with this.
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I don't know. I mean, if someone is showing interest and you keep turning them down, I would assume that if you really wanted to see this person, you would offer them a solution instead of continuing to reject them. I am just getting a bad feeling now. I haven't messaged her since then because I am trying to avoid coming off strongly because, right now, I'm really getting irritated with this.
Yea, sounds like the ball is in her court. This the same one that you really liked, your ex's friend?
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Yes. She seemed like a straight-shooter. I feel like if she really doesn't want to get together then she needs to come out and say it. Right now, I feel like she playing the odds game and seeing if I'll eventually stop asking her and leave her alone if she keeps rejecting me.
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Yes. She seemed like a straight-shooter. I feel like if she really doesn't want to get together then she needs to come out and say it. Right now, I feel like she playing the odds game and seeing if I'll eventually stop asking her and leave her alone if she keeps rejecting me.
Damn that sucks since you seemed into her, but sadly I agree.
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It's frustrating. It's something I expect from a girl in her 20s, not from a mother of two who is 40. I'm trying really hard not to message her. I want her to come to me if she does want to get together.
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It's frustrating. It's something I expect from a girl in her 20s, not from a mother of two who is 40. I'm trying really hard not to message her. I want her to come to me if she does want to get together.
But isnt this part of the dating game? Bait and hook? You sent the bait out to her, multiple times, and she has not caught. It's all about patience and waiting so I would say give it time before you message her again. Typically for me, in this scenario, I'd give it a couple days, if no response I send the nice "So I get the feeling you aren't interested, I thought you were a really great person, best of luck in the future and feel free to reach out to me whenever you'd like" and see how she reacts. I've done that before and had girls come back and give me excuses and then attempt to meet up, but honestly, if it's gotten to that point it always ends either on that message or shortly after because if there was real interest it would not have gotten to that point anyway. But I like to go out on top and on good terms so I usually say something along those lines to get it off my mind and move on.
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That's why I'm not messaging her right now. I'd wind up saying something snarky. I wear my heart on my sleeve so I can't pretend to be okay with something if I'm not. I'll just wait a couple of days and see what happens.
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Exactly, once you let the emotions get involved (since I know you like this girl) then it's a lot easier to completely blow it by saying something stupid or even just saying too much.
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Which is something I have done in the past. :lol
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It's frustrating. It's something I expect from a girl in her 20s, not from a mother of two who is 40. I'm trying really hard not to message her. I want her to come to me if she does want to get together.
But isnt this part of the dating game? Bait and hook? You sent the bait out to her, multiple times, and she has not caught. It's all about patience and waiting so I would say give it time before you message her again. Typically for me, in this scenario, I'd give it a couple days, if no response I send the nice "So I get the feeling you aren't interested, I thought you were a really great person, best of luck in the future and feel free to reach out to me whenever you'd like" and see how she reacts. I've done that before and had girls come back and give me excuses and then attempt to meet up, but honestly, if it's gotten to that point it always ends either on that message or shortly after because if there was real interest it would not have gotten to that point anyway. But I like to go out on top and on good terms so I usually say something along those lines to get it off my mind and move on.
In my view, this part of dating is all about how willing you are to walk away. It's really crap shoot as to whether she's hoping you'll go, or seeing how interested you are. One thing I've noticed (not here, I mean generally) is just how many scared people there are in the world. Not scared to talk, or interact, but to actually take a leap. To commit. I don't mean "commit" in a long term relationship but commit to putting themselves out there.
Cram, that's one of the reasons I suggested the bar thing. You can't really just walk in for a beer and walk out a half hour later and expect any results, but I'm talking about establishing bona vides. Be seen. I didn't want to be home (for fear I'd commit a felony; j/k) so I'd take my crossword puzzles and go hang out. Listen to music, play trivia, whatever. After a time, people will recognize you (and vice versa). Maybe even a bartender will do you a solid. You don't need a line; just ask questions. People will talk about themselves all night long if you let them.
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I used to do that. I would sit in a bar and eventually started to make friends with everyone but the women that came in were usually arm candy for someone else. I did get to meet a lot of interesting people though.
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I think it's a very solid idea and besides being proof that it can work, it seems pretty obvious that it can. However, sitting at a bar is just not me per se. I always feel so uncomfortable going to a bar alone (and I've only done it on business trips). But you are right, over time you get to know people and become more comfortable and whatnot. Maybe I will come out of my shell a bit and try that out, but I think for now, I want to focus on my image. It's best for my health and my own confidence which I will admit, is lacking at the moment.
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And like I said, that right there is so important. Your confidence level totally comes through even if you don't want it to. I'm a firm believer in taking some time to work on your own shit, whatever it is, if you need to. Sure it's nice to have someone, but it's not sustainable if you're in a bad place or feeling crappy about yourself. I think that's why I've mostly been keeping to myself lately, despite the fact that I am dating people casually. It's not my confidence that needs work right now, just my mental state. Work has been kinda shitty and is always exhausting, and I really don't have a lot to give to others right now. It's not right or wrong, it just is. It's about recognizing that stuff and doing what you can to "fix" it before dragging another person inot your shit.
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And like I said, that right there is so important. Your confidence level totally comes through even if you don't want it to. I'm a firm believer in taking some time to work on your own shit, whatever it is, if you need to. Sure it's nice to have someone, but it's not sustainable if you're in a bad place or feeling crappy about yourself. I think that's why I've mostly been keeping to myself lately, despite the fact that I am dating people casually. It's not my confidence that needs work right now, just my mental state. Work has been kinda shitty and is always exhausting, and I really don't have a lot to give to others right now. It's not right or wrong, it just is. It's about recognizing that stuff and doing what you can to "fix" it before dragging another person inot your shit.
Totally feel you on that Jackie. You've stated almost exactly how I feel and kind of the state of mind I am in right now, if I can't take this time to invest in myself then I can't give that time to invest in someone else. Thinking back, I went from a nine year relationship with one girl to a year and a half with maybe 20 different dates in that time coupled with the 79,000 miles traveled mostly for work. That's kind of a big change and a lifestyle that maybe I was and am not prepared for. So it is what it is and I'm going to push through. I'm hoping by Memorial Day I am feeling good about my body (and in my mind) and ready to hit the summer hard with my new beach bod :lol
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So she messaged me earlier. The conversation went like this.
Her: How was work??
Me (10 minutes later): It was ok. You?
Her: Not bad. At school now. Watching Rainman.
Me (15 minutes later): Good movie
Her: Yes I've seen it a bunch of times lol
That was it. I think my point got across.
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So she messaged me earlier. The conversation went like this.
Her: How was work??
Me (10 minutes later): It was ok. You?
Her: Not bad. At school now. Watching Rainman.
Me (15 minutes later): Good movie
Her: Yes I've seen it a bunch of times lol
That was it. I think my point got across.
Not to be rude or blunt, but doesn't that stuff just get........boring after a while? Wouldn't you rather someone you can just have a direct conversation with, without all this passive aggressive games nonsense?
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It has been just over a week. We started talking last Tuesday. Thursday we went out and had a great time. I had a really good feeling about her for multiple reasons. Every day since then she always had something else to do and the conversations have been weakening. Today I asked her if she wanted to get something to eat after work and it was something else. How many times does someone have to get turned down without the other person making a conscious effort to notice what they're trying to do and say something in return? I'm not doing this for any other reason than to see if she really does have an interest in me. I'm tired of being the one who always speaks up because it's the right thing to do. Let someone come to me for a change.
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Whatever works for you man. We all do what we want to do in the end.
Hope it works out.
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It doesn't work for me, but it'll get me a real answer quicker.
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It doesn't work for me, but it'll get me a real answer quicker.
Doubtful.
Want an answer? Ask a question.
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I knew that was going to be your response. However, I've been down that road. The answer I get is, "oh, I do want to hang out. I've just been busy." A week later. Same question. Same response. And I get dragged on for weeks until she finally decides to say what the truth was all along and she just felt bad telling me. Doing it my way forces her to either let it go because it doesn't really matter or act concerned that we haven't spoken. You get a truer response when someone is obligated to make the first step. At least that's how I've seen it in my experiences.
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I guess I just tend to avoid people who need such games to communicate. If a girl won't tell me what's up, why would I stick around? Why fight for a relationship when such a precedent has been set?
But like I said, we'll do what we want to do.
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I'm not doing anything right now. If she doesn't say another word to me, then the silence has spoken volumes. As much as it irritates me when someone can't just come out and say how they feel, I was really hoping she was true to her words. It's so ironic, because a couple of days after we started talking, she put this up on her Facebook page.
(https://i1272.photobucket.com/albums/y393/Prog_Snob/hypocrisy_zpsp5dzvpfk.jpg)
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So are you saying that is a message towards you? Have you considered the possibility of her talking to other guys?
So she messaged me earlier. The conversation went like this.
Her: How was work??
Me (10 minutes later): It was ok. You?
Her: Not bad. At school now. Watching Rainman.
Me (15 minutes later): Good movie
Her: Yes I've seen it a bunch of times lol
That was it. I think my point got across.
What point are you trying to make here? Seems like she might have been trying to have a conversation since she started it and she even followed up your "good movie" with another message (which to me, implies trying to keep a conversation).
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If she wants to talk to other guys, that's fine. She owes me nothing except the decency of letting me know what's going on so I can decide what I want to do.
Geez, my point seemed so much better during the conversation yesterday. I don't want her to think that this is going to be one-sided. I feel like past experience with me is that I'm the lap dog that comes running when they have time for me. I'm not doing that anymore. I don't want a texting buddy.
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My point about that quote pic was that I see girls doing that all the time, I wouldn't put much thought into it as in having a meaning towards you because well girls are crazy and trying to understand the motive for things like that is probably not worth the effort.
And for the convo, I just don't understand what point you were making. By not responding immediately what message were you sending? By not continuing talking, what point are you making? Trying to give her a taste of her own medicine? Sometimes that feels good, and I am certainly guilty of doing it myself, but I don't think that ever actually works.
I'm pretty big on the idea of if it's eating you up on the inside, then bring it up. If the whole point is that you want to know how she feels about this, just got to ask her which, to me, is a much better way to go about things then play games.
Not trying to be harsh here, just honestly not sure where you are going with this so I ask these questions.
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I don't think the quote was meant towards me. I just thought it was ironic that she put that up but is not taking her own advice about letting someone know where they stand. .
As far as that conversation, I don't want to seem desperate. So, if I jump on the phone every time she sends a message, she's going to think everything is alright. In my eyes, it's not. I want to see if she has the interest in me, because right now I feel like she's still focused on me being her friend's ex.
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And like I said, that right there is so important. Your confidence level totally comes through even if you don't want it to. I'm a firm believer in taking some time to work on your own shit, whatever it is, if you need to. Sure it's nice to have someone, but it's not sustainable if you're in a bad place or feeling crappy about yourself. I think that's why I've mostly been keeping to myself lately, despite the fact that I am dating people casually. It's not my confidence that needs work right now, just my mental state. Work has been kinda shitty and is always exhausting, and I really don't have a lot to give to others right now. It's not right or wrong, it just is. It's about recognizing that stuff and doing what you can to "fix" it before dragging another person inot your shit.
Totally feel you on that Jackie. You've stated almost exactly how I feel and kind of the state of mind I am in right now, if I can't take this time to invest in myself then I can't give that time to invest in someone else. Thinking back, I went from a nine year relationship with one girl to a year and a half with maybe 20 different dates in that time coupled with the 79,000 miles traveled mostly for work. That's kind of a big change and a lifestyle that maybe I was and am not prepared for. So it is what it is and I'm going to push through. I'm hoping by Memorial Day I am feeling good about my body (and in my mind) and ready to hit the summer hard with my new beach bod :lol
Well, I stand by my idea (because it's a relaxed atmosphere and for me the dating sites are too intense and focused) but I think what you and Jackie are talking about is most important. No one wants to date someone else's problems or insecurities, so you DO have to have yourself in a good place. That's one thing for me; I knew my divorce was coming, I was okay with it (except for what it meant to my kid) so while I had my doubts about the dating viability of a slightly heavy, 46 year-old guy with a 14 year-old who's way smarter than he is good looking, I knew that I had nothing to lose and I was comfortable in my own skin. Plus I will literally talk to ANYONE so that part is easy for me.
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I knew that was going to be your response. However, I've been down that road. The answer I get is, "oh, I do want to hang out. I've just been busy." A week later. Same question. Same response. And I get dragged on for weeks until she finally decides to say what the truth was all along and she just felt bad telling me. Doing it my way forces her to either let it go because it doesn't really matter or act concerned that we haven't spoken. You get a truer response when someone is obligated to make the first step. At least that's how I've seen it in my experiences.
But you're no pushover. You're no patsy. I know from watching you here. It's not JUST asking a question, it's asking the RIGHT question. Granted, you don't ask on a first date "Ok, so we're committed, and we're in this for the long haul, right?" But after some time, there is the opportunity to ask thoughtful, deeper questions. I know for me, with my wife, it was a couple weeks or so (I'm guessing) and we were talking about exes and I made a comment about "auditioning for the job of [boyfriend/significant other]" as a way to put out there that I understand that things have to progress, but to communicate my intention. Funny thing, a couple weeks later I got a text, out of the blue, saying "BTW, You're hired". It was our "language" so to speak. Personally, I would have no problem asking something along the lines of "So, here's what I'm hearing... blah, blah, blah... is that what you're saying?" Or if it's your style, make a joke out of it: "Hey, I only have three more invites on my card; if you're really interested, I'm going to have to recharge the card if I'm going to keep asking you out" (yeah, I know, that's stupid, but I'm spitballing).
EDIT: I just read the rest of the exchange. Honestly, and with respect, I think Cram is right. You're kind of looking at this only through the "Prog Snob" lenses. What about looking at it from her perspective? Maybe she was as honest with you as she can be? Maybe she's scared - or feels it's disrespectful - to tell you "yeah, I really like you but I'm sort of in limbo with this other guy" (the target of the Facebook post). I say this nicely, and not to you directly Prog Snob, but it's a little arrogant to think that these women are only talking to you.
To me, you're only a lap dog if you feel like a lap dog.
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I knew that was going to be your response. However, I've been down that road. The answer I get is, "oh, I do want to hang out. I've just been busy." A week later. Same question. Same response. And I get dragged on for weeks until she finally decides to say what the truth was all along and she just felt bad telling me. Doing it my way forces her to either let it go because it doesn't really matter or act concerned that we haven't spoken. You get a truer response when someone is obligated to make the first step. At least that's how I've seen it in my experiences.
But you're no pushover. You're no patsy. I know from watching you here. It's not JUST asking a question, it's asking the RIGHT question. Granted, you don't ask on a first date "Ok, so we're committed, and we're in this for the long haul, right?" But after some time, there is the opportunity to ask thoughtful, deeper questions. I know for me, with my wife, it was a couple weeks or so (I'm guessing) and we were talking about exes and I made a comment about "auditioning for the job of [boyfriend/significant other]" as a way to put out there that I understand that things have to progress, but to communicate my intention. Funny thing, a couple weeks later I got a text, out of the blue, saying "BTW, You're hired". It was our "language" so to speak. Personally, I would have no problem asking something along the lines of "So, here's what I'm hearing... blah, blah, blah... is that what you're saying?" Or if it's your style, make a joke out of it: "Hey, I only have three more invites on my card; if you're really interested, I'm going to have to recharge the card if I'm going to keep asking you out" (yeah, I know, that's stupid, but I'm spitballing).
EDIT: I just read the rest of the exchange. Honestly, and with respect, I think Cram is right. You're kind of looking at this only through the "Prog Snob" lenses. What about looking at it from her perspective? Maybe she was as honest with you as she can be? Maybe she's scared - or feels it's disrespectful - to tell you "yeah, I really like you but I'm sort of in limbo with this other guy" (the target of the Facebook post). I say this nicely, and not to you directly Prog Snob, but it's a little arrogant to think that these women are only talking to you.
To me, you're only a lap dog if you feel like a lap dog.
I'm being protective of myself right now. I don't want to be in another relationship where I'm pushed to the side, so I'm just being careful about how vulnerable I make myself. I will try to adjust it a bit more to see it from her perspective, but is she looking at it from mine? She knows what I've been through also, so there needs to be an understanding between us. My last two relationships were so damn lopsided, I forgot who I was for a while.
I'm going to message her and just see what I can get from her. Maybe she's thinking exactly the same thing as me.
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^^^ Wouldn't surprise me.
Ultimately, I know you have to do what's right for you first. I'm not a stalker, I'm not pushy (at all) but I'm always reluctant to let it fade out of inertia or ennui.
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John, don't close yourself off from the chance to date, just be gaurded when you date. You need to throw yourself out there. Maybe change your selection process.
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Something will need to be adjusted. You're right.
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My brother complained that when using a dating site, girls he wanted a second date with did not and girls that wanted a second date with him he was not interested in them. I told him he was looking for perfection and you'll never find that person if you narrow your field.
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It's not even that. I've actually messaged just about every woman on the site in my area. :lol
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Your fingers must be cramped.
Hey, a double entendre!
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Holy fuck balls! You spelled a foreign word correct. :lol
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98% retention 68% spelling. :lol
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;)
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:-*
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Had an interesting Saturday afternoon. Went to the Avantasia concert in NYC Friday and spent the night in the city, that evening I was messaging a girl on Tinder who I've mostly just been bs conversationing with. She asked to meet up, I was way too drunk after the concert to head downtown to see her, but we ended up meeting and walking through central park Saturday afternoon. She is 24 and brought her 19 year old cousin :lol Not to sound like a creep, but the cousin was really cute. Anyway, just talked and walked four about 2 hours and went our separate ways. Pretty much just a friendly meeting, I'm not sure I'll ever see her again (nor do I really care), but it was really nice, fun, and spontaneous.
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Worth the meet up. You never know.
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She's seeing someone else! :censored
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Next on sir. Don't give up.
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She's seeing someone else! :censored
:( sorry man, that is terrible
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When I asked her why she couldn't tell me in the beginning, she said she didn't think it was that big of a deal since we had just started talking. I pointed out to her the irony of that quote she put up. She avoided the question after that and went back to saying that she was still uncomfortable with me being her friend's ex. I told her that she wasn't uncomfortable going out to dinner with me or accepting the flowers I sent her or rejecting me every day for a week straight. She knew what I was going after, regardless of her feelings on the matter, so she should have just spoke up.
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:tup
Congrats Sacul!
Thanks! I'll later update you with the situation as I'd really like some advice on certain stuff since it's my (and hers) first time on something like this, and don't want to screw up :P
Oops, forgot to update on this :lol
I promise to do so later, but by now know that we're officially a couple and I'm a happy lad :smiley:
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When I asked her why she couldn't tell me in the beginning, she said she didn't think it was that big of a deal since we had just started talking. I pointed out to her the irony of that quote she put up. She avoided the question after that and went back to saying that she was still uncomfortable with me being her friend's ex. I told her that she wasn't uncomfortable going out to dinner with me or accepting the flowers I sent her or rejecting me every day for a week straight. She knew what I was going after, regardless of her feelings on the matter, so she should have just spoke up.
Reminds me a bit of the girl I was trying to date some months ago. Kept backing out on the plans then finally said she was seeing her x again (after guaranteeing she was not wasting my time). And like you, the only reason I kept hanging on was because I thought she was a really cool person. Sucks big time. But now you know the truth.
Worth the meet up. You never know.
Definitely, never bad to have an extra friend. You never know is right.
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Exactly. So, now it's time to get back to the search.
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Probably sounding like a little bitch here, but I really miss the hell out of my girlfriend. This weekend was super weird in her absence. I can't imaging being married to someone for like 50 years and then have them die.
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Probably sounding like a little bitch here, but I really miss the hell out of my girlfriend. This weekend was super weird in her absence. I can't imaging being married to someone for like 50 years and then have them die.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. As much as you miss your gf, it's great that you feel that way. You know you got something good.
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Or in some cases the absence makes you realize how well you would do alone adn would be better off keeping it that way. And then she gets home and shit turns into a fucked up fighting ball of fucked up ness and you just dread coming home from work every day and... ok I'll shut up I amy be a tad drunk
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Or in some cases the absence makes you realize how well you would do alone adn would be better off keeping it that way. And then she gets home and shit turns into a fucked up fighting ball of fucked up ness and you just dread coming home from work every day and... ok I'll shut up I amy be a tad drunk
I don't think that's the whole quote...
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Or in some cases the absence makes you realize how well you would do alone adn would be better off keeping it that way. And then she gets home and shit turns into a fucked up fighting ball of fucked up ness and you just dread coming home from work every day and... ok I'll shut up I amy be a tad drunk
I think I am having deja vu
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So I ended up on another random walk through a park with a girl. One of the few girls I have just casually been chatting with and have no real intentions on anything more than just chat, but yesterday was the first time she was really actively talking for most of the day to me, it had been a message here and there, but yesterday she just seemed to want to talk. Whatever, I was bored so I talked. When I got home from work, I hopped onto my exercise bike and found she sent me a message, wanting to meet up for a walk. If she had asked to go for a beer or anything else I would have said no, because I honestly didn't really care too much about meeting with this girl, just was a nice person to talk to. BUT she wanted to go for a walk, and I've been wanting to get into better shape and it was a beautiful evening... so we did it. Went to the local park and walked and talked for a good hour. It was nice, just chatting and meeting someone new who seems like a really nice genuine girl. She is however 39 which I think is a bit older than I really am interested in. I couldn't gage how interested she was in me (I was actually hoping she wasn't) but she had a few really nice TMs after that make me think she might be. I really enjoyed the walk and talk, it was a great way to get my exercise in, but I'm thinking if she wants to chill again, it might have to strictly be for walk and talks for now because I am not interested in anything more serious.
I do find it funny how in less than a week I've gone on two random walk n talks with strangers through parks. I think I actually like this better than grabbing a drink honestly (assuming nice weather).
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Yeah, that's a nice way to spend a day!
I signed on to OKC for the first time in a while and got a bunch of messages. I'm feeling kinda meh about it but one guy wants to go to some Mediterranean restaurant near me and I'm okay with that. One guy lives in DE but is probably moving to CO and has pet kangaroos! I kinda wanna keep that door open just so I can meet them :lol
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Kangaroos! That would be cool. I wonder how one keeps kangaroos as pets though.
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That's a great question. I'm gonna ask him right now haha. Think I got a notification that he messaged me a bit ago.
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Hop to it!
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:lolpalm:
He said the babies graze all day but sleep inside in pouches, and the big one stays outside all the time but has a heater for cold nights. Fascinating!
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:lolpalm:
He said the babies graze all day but sleep inside in pouches, and the big one stays outside all the time but has a heater for cold nights. Fascinating!
Indeed. I love animals so I'd be leeching to this to try and get to play with one :lol
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Yeah, totally. He said he won't be moving here til fall though :(
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So I had dinner with that one guy last night who was nice. No fireworks or anything but I would hang with him again. I have plans to have a beer with another in a week. Most of them I feel indifferent about, but there is one who I'm genuinely curious about who is an Italian comedian originally from NYC and seems really cool. He asked about how I ended up in my job and I said something like "it's too long of a story for text, but is not what I planned to be doing... and that's also a roundabout way of saying I'll give you the story if you buy me a drink" :lol. We'll see if that works. I'm not usually that forward but trying to be more.
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So I had dinner with that one guy last night who was nice. No fireworks or anything but I would hang with him again. I have plans to have a beer with another in a week. Most of them I feel indifferent about, but there is one who I'm genuinely curious about who is an Italian comedian originally from NYC and seems really cool. He asked about how I ended up in my job and I said something like "it's too long of a story for text, but is not what I planned to be doing... and that's also a roundabout way of saying I'll give you the story if you buy me a drink" :lol. We'll see if that works. I'm not usually that forward but trying to be more.
Smooth :metal
I wish I could use that line
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I mean, you could. That would probably work on me because I appreciate a non-conformist attitude of "woman, you can buy me a drink too." As long as he doesn't expect me to all the time.
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Well, I've been meaning to post this for a while and now I have some time to do so.
You may recall me looking for a couple through dating sites and such, some months ago. Well, it didn't really work, for I found few interesting girls that were also interested in chatting with me. The one I'm dating now, well... she found me :lol
She added me on FB back in September, and we chatted regularly, as friends sharing music and having casual talks together. She's a SW fan as well so we met at his gig here after the show. It was a bit weird for she's very shy, a bit awkward, and not very expressive in her body language, but it was really curious an experience, for I felt... mirrored. Like a female version of myself years ago. We latter chatted about that, and one of our conversations became... deep. We talked about how we had both always felt like the black sheep everywhere, never really fitting, among other depressing stuff :P And I think that was the little spark that made us connect a bit, because after it our chats became more and more intimate. And last week I declared my love for her and we became a couple.
We're too similar, for not only we have the same height and physical contexture, but also share many things like a preference for dark clothes, short hair, a lot of music tastes, even the same philosophies on love and the crave for deep, serious relationships. She's a curious girl, open to new things, loves abandoned places, creepy stuff, cats, and weird music, but also is very sweet, lovely and compassive - basically everything I'd been looking for in a girlfriend and more.
Thing is... she lives 400kms away from me, and it's 15 years old - I'm just 19. So most of our interaction outside the gig meeting has been through text and pics, and some audios. And, well, Skype - just today we had our first session, and although we expected it to last 10 mins, it took us almost an hour and a half and had a great time. We plan to meet again in July, but tbh I'd prefer to do it as soon as this weekend, but we both know that wouldn't end up well, for her parents don't seem to take us serious, and considering the context, they have valid reasons yet it frustrates me a fuckkng lot - her mother seems convinced she could find "something better" and that I would use and dump her. Fucking triggers me.
By now the father doesn't seem to know we're really into something, but he's kinda suspicious of me and my intentions. I hit my head against the wall in a daily basis figuring out a way to convince them I'm a good guy. It's really frustrating, and things are progressing very slow in that sense but she and I are very happy with each other - she has hopes of coming to my city to go to college when she's old enough because her hometown sucks (it really is an awful city), but, again, doubtful parents. And I understand their worries but I fear they might ruin our thing if we aren't very, very cautious.
So that, sorry for the wall of text, but really wanted to share this, as I'd like some tips on how to maintain a distance relationship considering the circumstances. This is both our first time into... well, this bf/gf thing and have made some mistakes, but we'll carry on despite them - we get along so well I doubt we'll find someone like the other anytime soon and well try our best to work out this. Thanks for reading :smiley:
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Wow, 15 and 19. That brings back memories :lol
I mean, I don't know what the laws are like where you're at, but she is still a kid and you have to respect where her parents are coming from. Have you met them, or is this just stuff she has told you based on her telling them about you? If not, maybe you can have a sit-down with them and explain where you're coming from. It's still a new things, so I wouldn't fret about it TOO much, but that's easier said than done.
Guys, I spent the evening/morning/early afternoon with a James Franco lookalike who I met at my friend's crazy birthday party. Life is good.
Meanwhile, Brooklyn guy and I have been texting and will probably make plans to hang soon, as he said he would indeed love to buy me that drink :D
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I mean, I don't know what the laws are like where you're at, but she is still a kid and you have to respect where her parents are coming from. Have you met them, or is this just stuff she has told you based on her telling them about you? If not, maybe you can have a sit-down with them and explain where you're coming from. It's still a new things, so I wouldn't fret about it TOO much, but that's easier said than done.
As the FATHER of a 15 year old, I have a lot of thoughts on this, but perhaps it will be best if I sleep on them and respond in the cold light of day.
Suffice to say, my gut reaction first thought was... cool your jets, Casanova.
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:lol, totally understandable. I think this sounds a lot different than my 15-19 situation (the guy was a total player/sweet-talker type), but I always gravitated towards older dudes and older friends in general and I think it CAN work. But you're right, no reason to rush into anything.
In other news, I officially have a date with the Brooklyn guy Friday! I haven't actually been this excited about an OKC date in a while. He just seems really cool. We shall see.
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Although according to law here she's in the consent age, we've agreed we won't get to *that* anytime soon, and I don't mind, that's not my intention with her at all. But yeah, I get the parents' concerns very well, I have a younger sister and she's quite outgoing and gives mine some headaches. Also, hers being such religious people doesn't make it easier either.
Today I told my family about us and they took it very well, but she's afraid hers, specially the father, won't really like it. She'll have to eventually tell him, but my dear is too shy to do so now.
By now I'll try to focus on college because of tests, but I'm looking forwards to our next Skype session - we'll play GTA SA online so it should be pretty fun :P
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Hmm... I'm not gonna sugar coat anything. That sounds all kinds of fucked up. :lol To each their own, but there's a universe of difference between a person at the age of 15 and then the age of 19. It's night and day. Disregarding the topic of the actual age difference between you two, it's more that, like Jackie said, she's a kid. If it's legal where you two live, that's all fine and dandy but I'd say that at the very best this is playing with fire. There are probably a minuscule amount of people that were more or less the same between the ages of 15 and 19...the vast majority have the most changes in that time in every way; physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm more or less spit-balling and writing this in stream of consciousness so don't take anything too personally. I don't have any kids but I do have two younger sisters and raised them myself so I'm probably reacting through the eyes of a father figure.
If it's legal, all the better. But again, that's not my focus here, it's the simple matter of you (granted, still being a kid more or less; apologies if that sounds offensive but I'm of the state of mind that anyone under a general age of their mid 20's has their head up their ass no matter their position in life) being far more mature than she is even when just regarding pure physicality, not even touching upon the ocean of difference in...well, everything else. Life experience, outlook, desires, general know how...and more nuanced, but going through the growing pains of those years and having someone who is going through the same things as you, with you...I mean the list really is endless. Hell, you even said it yourself... "Like a female version of myself years ago"; people change...a metric fuck-ton, even when they're "all grown up". But the overwhelming majority of that change takes place right in that sweet spot of 15-20-ish. If I haven't been blunt enough, it just sounds like a horrible idea.
Call me the pessimist but I think most of that is through a realists view, it's just that it's not all niceties. Anyway, I'm sure someone else who is much more optimistic will post but that's my two cents. I do wish you the best of luck but I'd be remiss if I didn't give my honest opinion. I also just realized that I didn't even answer your actual question of long distance relationships which is a whole other bag of shit entirely even for two adults who know exactly who they are, what they want, etc.; one that I can't even answer given that I haven't and will never even attempt to try that out. Oops. :millahhhh
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Also, did I read your post correctly that you've only met her one time and almost all form of communication since then has been text based plus one (maybe more since) skype session?
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Remember, too, that oft times "legal" just means the "bare minimum". It doesn't mean it's the best course, nor the most advisable. I'm sure we can sit here and trade stories of every time it "DID WORK"/"DIDN'T WORK" and probably come out fairly even. But there's a reason colleges rarely take on students that are even a year younger than the rest of their class, let alone four years younger. There's a reason you can name the players that go from high school to the pros in basketball on one hand (literally).
Anyway, not suggesting you stop, and not telling you what to do, but merely to proceed with caution. In my view, the fact that she's scared to tell them speaks volumes. If it was so "right", she wouldn't be.
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Finally a non-positive reaction, thanks UncleGeorge, i really need other perspectives on this :smiley:
I'll admit I was very hesitant to get into something more than just a friendship with her, but it was inevitable for me - I've never found anyone with who I resonated and got along so well, not even my close friends. Although I had promised myself not to have a couple beyond 2 years of difference (either more or less), and that was within 200kms of distance, she has broken my very own rules and I totally let her do it. I know there's quite a difference, and it's noticeable on some stuff, and makes me question this a bit, but I like to think she's more mature than your average 15yo - at least to me it feels like talking to someone my age. But yeah, she still has some issues typical of the age and I'm willing to help her on that.
Yes, Adami, plus audios, short vids, and lots of pics. I'd really like to have Skype sessions more often, and meet her again soon, destroying the virtual wall - mostly-text-relationships suck, but she's very shy and these things cost her a lot, but she's making progress and I'm patient :smiley:
I'm taking lots of cautions on this, Stadler, and I hope they are enough. She's afraid to tell them (although they already suspect) mostly because of backlash from his dad, but that's probably due to her relationship with him ain't very good. Her parents also seem to think she "could get something better" and try to discourage her from this, which I understand, but damn it if it isn't frustrating. My family reacted very well so I have no worries on that side at least.
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I would say at 15, keep it to texting and friendly. Anything more and you are entering into a legal issue. Especially if her parents are not cool with this (and why would they be?). Sure your intentions may be good, but you are dealing with a minor and none of that matters at the end of the day. The father is right to be suspicious. Maybe over time you can meet the family, let them know the intentions (be upfront and honest), and let them know you don't plan to ever kiss her or touch her until she is 18.
If you are going to be serious with her then you need to be serious about the situation you are getting yourself into and it honestly is not a good one besides the way you two connect on an emotional level.
It may be a good thing that there is 400km difference between you two sadly.
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Finally a non-positive reaction, thanks UncleGeorge, i really need other perspectives on this :smiley:
I'll admit I was very hesitant to get into something more than just a friendship with her, but it was inevitable for me - I've never found anyone with who I resonated and got along so well, not even my close friends. Although I had promised myself not to have a couple beyond 2 years of difference (either more or less), and that was within 200kms of distance, she has broken my very own rules and I totally let her do it. I know there's quite a difference, and it's noticeable on some stuff, and makes me question this a bit, but I like to think she's more mature than your average 15yo - at least to me it feels like talking to someone my age. But yeah, she still has some issues typical of the age and I'm willing to help her on that.
Yes, Adami, plus audios, short vids, and lots of pics. I'd really like to have Skype sessions more often, and meet her again soon, destroying the virtual wall - mostly-text-relationships suck, but she's very shy and these things cost her a lot, but she's making progress and I'm patient :smiley:
I'm taking lots of cautions on this, Stadler, and I hope they are enough. She's afraid to tell them (although they already suspect) mostly because of backlash from his dad, but that's probably due to her relationship with him ain't very good. Her parents also seem to think she "could get something better" and try to discourage her from this, which I understand, but damn it if it isn't frustrating. My family reacted very well so I have no worries on that side at least.
Sacul, at the risk of lecturing you - which I don't mean to do - or piling on - which I also don't mean to do - be careful with "rules". This isn't potentially wrong because of "4 years difference" or because of "200km", which are both arbitrary rules. I'm married to a girl who is 8 years younger than me. But we're in our 40's. It's potentially wrong because we're getting into the realm of "decisions that there is no walking back from". You take a job, and it sucks, you can always quit. When you start talking about the development of a 15-year old, these experiences and choices can result in life changes. She's spending time with you, she's NOT spending time with her peers. You're spending time with her, you're NOT spending time with your peers. And both of you at a time when your brains aren't fully formed yet, when your experiences aren't JUST experiences yet but are still mapping your psyche.
Do what you will, but be careful, and recognize the bigger picture - to the extent you can at 19; the science says you're better at it than she is, but you're still not where you will be when you're 25 - when making your decisions.
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True that. I mean, my real opinion is that most relationships at that age are doomed anyway and it's always melodramatic, but nobody wants to hear that.
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I'm not even thinking about that, all of that can be learning experiences, but the law is a different animal. You'll learn a real hard lesson if the father catches you being physical with his underage daughter.
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Nah, she is age of consent where he's at. So he'd just have to deal with the father, which is maybe worse than the law.
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People are only on the age thing? No one else is concerned that he declared his love to a girl he's met once, whose defining characteristic is how much she reminds him of himself?
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Dadler knows what's up.
True that. I mean, my real opinion is that most relationships at that age are doomed anyway and it's always melodramatic, but nobody wants to hear that.
Once again miss Jackie speaks what my heart says. Word to that. So hard.
I can't tell you how much I believed I was "in love" at her age and not a single soul on the planet could tell me different. Now at 27 (er..in a few days) I have a nice nostalgic chuckle at the thought.
Adami, I'm assuming (and oh god I'm hoping) that the "declaration of love" was used as a phrase and not an actual "I'm in love with this girl" line...that's how I read it anyway. Maybe I'm wrong. If so it's another topic entirely and one I'm going to go out on a limb on and say it's something that's useless to talk about with Sacul. No matter anyone's age, if they think they're in love (regardless of what the word means to the person or if it's "true", or as true as one can measure such a thing from the outside looking in), no one can say or do anything about it. But uh, yeah...my reaction would pretty much be :|
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Dadler knows what's up.
True that. I mean, my real opinion is that most relationships at that age are doomed anyway and it's always melodramatic, but nobody wants to hear that.
Once again miss Jackie speaks what my heart says. Word to that. So hard.
I can't tell you how much I believed I was "in love" at her age and not a single soul on the planet could tell me different. Now at 27 (er..in a few days) I have a nice nostalgic chuckle at the thought.
I was ready to kill myself after a relationship at the age of 17 went south..... so stupid
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I guess this is the closest I've been in love with someone, so maybe I'm not really in love yet :P
But yeah, I realise I may be taking this too serious but also fear it might go nowhere or not end up well, yet I'm willing to try to make it work out despite everything - even if it fails I'd have learnt a lot.
By now I just want to go out with her, taking hands, giving hugs, corny & cheesy stuff, etc. Other things will come when the time is due - I hope I can make her father understand that :lol
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People are only on the age thing? No one else is concerned that he declared his love to a girl he's met once, whose defining characteristic is how much she reminds him of himself?
That's a concern too, but I was young and "fell in love" before so I can at least understand where he is coming from with regards to that.
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Eh not really, maybe I phrased it bad - she's pretty awesome, witty, open-minded, good tastes etc, but then we start to diverge, for she's more creative and into arts like movies, series, manual crafts and drawing, while I'm the nerd, book-worm here. I'm normally quite cold and distant, and she's pretty light-hearted and lovely. I'm a bit pretentious and self-centered, she's humbler and cares about others. And other stuff. So she being similar to how I used to be is a little part of it as I see it - I just want to help her overcome all the shit she's going through because I care about her, not out of pity.
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What kind of shit do you think you can help her overcome? And how?
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Sounds like a 1 way ticket to the friend zone.
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(https://d236bkdxj385sg.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Main16.jpg)
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What kind of shit do you think you can help her overcome? And how?
This is a good question.
Sorry if it seems we are all hammering down on your happiness, but just want to bring up the concerns.
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I just want to help her overcome all the shit she's going through because I care about her...
Does SHE want to be helped? Does SHE see something to be "overcome"?
Understanding that we as a species are 100,000 years into the same shit, so it's not as if I have any specific, new insight, but I feel like EVERYONE to some degree feels "alienated" and "alone" - it's part of growing up - and the way most people naturally "overcome" that is to be among peers who feel the same way. It's part of the growing process and part of the bonding process; shared experience is incredibly strong - it's why we have school reunions, it's why actors bang on set, it's why we have things like fraternities. And the strongest shared experiences are among peers. It's why we have "grades". It's why (in part) schools are broken into "elementary", "middle" and "high" school. None of this stuff is random, even if we never think about it. Perhaps you can point her in the right direction, but if she truly does feel "outside" and has things to "overcome", then the best way to do that - absent professional help - is to work them out with people in the same position as her. Physically, psychologically, emotionally, geographically...
My opinion, probably not even worth $0.02.
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So, let's see. I'm talking to a few different women right now.
Jenn - She lives on the island. 37. Single. No Kids. Just got out of an engagement. She wants to meet up tomorrow for coffee.
Chrissy - She also lives on the island. 36. Recently widowed. No kids. She wants to meet Thursday.
Valerie - Lives on Staten Island. 31. Single. No Kids. Works a lot. Is only available after hours. Next early night she gets we're meeting for coffee, which could be later, tomorrow, the day after.
And I've fallen hard for someone I can't have, because I'm a glutton for punishment.
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You sound like a Weezer song John.
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I just want to help her overcome all the shit she's going through because I care about her...
Does SHE want to be helped? Does SHE see something to be "overcome"?
Yes - she's very shy and awkward socially, and being constantly bullied and called "fucking autist", plus her parents not giving a shit about it and thinking she should "be more normal and get some friends" doesn't help either. Thus she has a very low self-esteem and things between us have progressed very slow because of that. I went through something similar in high school and know what it feels like. She sometimes asks me for tips, or tells me her problems, and I mostly just try to cheer her up.
And no friendzone here because this is mutual - she listens to my crap, sometimes sends me little cute messages that put a small smile on my face, tells me how much she likes me, etc. Hell, she's even more fascinated by my personality and appearance than I am of hers, something I'm still digesting :lol And we announced our relationship on FB this Sunday so it's official I guess :P
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You sound like a Weezer song John.
Unless it's Buddy Holly, I don't know any of their songs.
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You sound like a Weezer song John.
Unless it's Buddy Holly, I don't know any of their songs.
Not the title but listen to the lyrics.
https://youtu.be/phDuvBk_9ok
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Now, I get it. The days of the week and the girls. :lol
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Yup. That's exactly how I heard it. :lol
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So, let's see. I'm talking to a few different women right now.
Jenn - She lives on the island. 37. Single. No Kids. Just got out of an engagement. She wants to meet up tomorrow for coffee.
Chrissy - She also lives on the island. 36. Recently widowed. No kids. She wants to meet Thursday.
Valerie - Lives on Staten Island. 31. Single. No Kids. Works a lot. Is only available after hours. Next early night she gets we're meeting for coffee, which could be later, tomorrow, the day after.
And I've fallen hard for someone I can't have, because I'm a glutton for punishment.
You going to meet all these girls? Sounds like your evenings just got booked :tup
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I'm supposed to meet Jenn tonight, but her mother got rushed to the hospital. Her kidneys are failing. I think those plans will be cancelled. We'll see. Chrissy I am definitely meeting tomorrow night. We're going to meet at Starbucks. Val is the one that I really want to work out. She is definitely the kind of girl people could see me dating. She works for a special effects artist that does work for haunted attractions. She basically puts together fake corpses. Like I said, most people would look at her and go, "that's definitely the kind of girl I could see John dating."
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:lol that's great, good luck tomorrow, sucks about Jenn's mother though.
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:lol that's great, good luck tomorrow, sucks about Jenn's mother though.
I haven't heard back from her yet. I hope everything is alright.
I'm hoping one of them works out because I have my cousin's wedding in a couple of weeks and I put me down with a 'plus 1'. I thought I was going to be taking that last girl, but that obviously fell through.
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:lol that's great, good luck tomorrow, sucks about Jenn's mother though.
I haven't heard back from her yet. I hope everything is alright.
I'm hoping one of them works out because I have my cousin's wedding in a couple of weeks and I put me down with a 'plus 1'. I thought I was going to be taking that last girl, but that obviously fell through.
I will go with you if you go to my niece's wedding in June with me here in Joisey :lol
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:lol that's great, good luck tomorrow, sucks about Jenn's mother though.
I haven't heard back from her yet. I hope everything is alright.
I'm hoping one of them works out because I have my cousin's wedding in a couple of weeks and I put me down with a 'plus 1'. I thought I was going to be taking that last girl, but that obviously fell through.
I will go with you if you go to my niece's wedding in June with me here in Joisey :lol
Funnily enough, my cousin's wedding is in Jersey. :lol And don't think because I have a couple of drinks I'm a sure thing.
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:rollin
Sooo I have my cousin's wedding in June as well in NJ... are we all going to the same one?
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ok 10 drinks will get you there Prog!
lol that would be ironic if it was the same wedding LOL :mehlin
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:rollin
Sooo I have my cousin's wedding in June as well in NJ... are we all going to the same one?
ok 10 drinks will get you there Prog!
lol that would be ironic if it was the same wedding LOL :mehlin
This one is towards the end of May. That would have been pretty fucking hysterical if we were all going to the same exact wedding, though.
By the way, Jenn cancelled for tonight. It's totally understandable, though. Her mother is still in the hospital.
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I'm meeting Chrissy in a few minutes. Let's see how it goes.
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I'm meeting Chrissy in a few minutes. Let's see how it goes.
The 36 year old whose husband just died?
Do you plan on charging an extra baggage fee for her? I feel like she will be bringing far more than 1 item. Not to mention a carry on.
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I'm meeting Chrissy in a few minutes. Let's see how it goes.
The 36 year old whose husband just died?
Do you plan on charging an extra baggage fee for her? I feel like she will be bringing far more than 1 item. Not to mention a carry on.
I believe that was Jenn, but :lol regardless
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I'm meeting Chrissy in a few minutes. Let's see how it goes.
The 36 year old whose husband just died?
Do you plan on charging an extra baggage fee for her? I feel like she will be bringing far more than 1 item. Not to mention a carry on.
I believe that was Jenn, but :lol regardless
Haha
It went alright but it was nothing mind-blowing.
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I'm meeting Chrissy in a few minutes. Let's see how it goes.
The 36 year old whose husband just died?
Do you plan on charging an extra baggage fee for her? I feel like she will be bringing far more than 1 item. Not to mention a carry on.
I believe that was Jenn, but :lol regardless
Haha
It went alright but it was nothing mind-blowing.
Would you see her again though?
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No. This girl Valerie and I are really hitting it off. We've already made plans to do a few things like check out haunted locations and some other exploring. She's really big into the paranormal, so when I told her about my experience, she nearly lost it. :lol Getting to see her is the hard part because she usually works till midnite or so. Her only day off is Saturday, but I really like this girl so I'm willing to make it work. This is the company she builds props for.
https://creepycollection.com/
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No. This girl Valerie and I are really hitting it off. We've already made plans to do a few things like check out haunted locations and some other exploring. She's really big into the paranormal, so when I told her about my experience, she nearly lost it. :lol Getting to see her is the hard part because she usually works till midnite or so. Her only day off is Saturday, but I really like this girl so I'm willing to make it work. This is the company she builds props for.
https://creepycollection.com/
awesome, but since you didn't say anything bad about that last date even though it wasn't mind blowing, maybe you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket.
Was browsing okcupid last night and found a girl who was really cute and above my level of girl that would respond to me, but in her pictures she was holding her master's degree and therefore showed her name. So I said Hey (her name) just fyi you should maybe edit that photo since you are giving out some info to many creeps. She said thanks lol. I did my good deed for the day.
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No. This girl Valerie and I are really hitting it off. We've already made plans to do a few things like check out haunted locations and some other exploring. She's really big into the paranormal, so when I told her about my experience, she nearly lost it. :lol Getting to see her is the hard part because she usually works till midnite or so. Her only day off is Saturday, but I really like this girl so I'm willing to make it work. This is the company she builds props for.
https://creepycollection.com/
awesome, but since you didn't say anything bad about that last date even though it wasn't mind blowing, maybe you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket.
Was browsing okcupid last night and found a girl who was really cute and above my level of girl that would respond to me, but in her pictures she was holding her master's degree and therefore showed her name. So I said Hey (her name) just fyi you should maybe edit that photo since you are giving out some info to many creeps. She said thanks lol. I did my good deed for the day.
I'm still going to talk to last night's date, but I'm putting more effort into Valerie. You're right. Past experiences dictating, I don't want to put all my dragons in one khaleesi.
Who was it? Like I've said before, I wonder if we've gone after the same girl at some point. :lol
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Shoregirl83, she is hot, but lets see if that niceness can turn into an actual conversation.... regardless, she took the picture down.
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Shoregirl83, she is hot, but lets see if that niceness can turn into an actual conversation.... regardless, she took the picture down.
She has a great smile. Go for it.
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Shoregirl83, she is hot, but lets see if that niceness can turn into an actual conversation.... regardless, she took the picture down.
She has a great smile. Go for it.
Oh I already did, she was chatting a bit this morning with me but all about stalkers on dating sites, but I just changed subjects to see if we could start an actual conversations... that's when I know if she is interested (unlikely) or just being nice back since I pointed her mistake out to her.
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Shoregirl83, she is hot, but lets see if that niceness can turn into an actual conversation.... regardless, she took the picture down.
She has a great smile. Go for it.
Oh I already did, she was chatting a bit this morning with me but all about stalkers on dating sites, but I just changed subjects to see if we could start an actual conversations... that's when I know if she is interested (unlikely) or just being nice back since I pointed her mistake out to her.
You have nothing to lose.
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That's my motto for dating
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It's a good motto to have.
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I just had my date with the Brooklyn guy. We talked nonstop for almost three hours and he is super cool, but I found him hard to read in the end. He said he had to go to bed early and we parted ways at like 9:45. To be fair, he does seem to stop responding to my texts fairly early in the night and I've always assumed he goes to bed fairly early, but I still don't know how to interpret it. He did say he had fun and wants to hang again, but only went in for the hug. So I dunno. I texted him after and he responded so I guess that's a good sign, but I'm just gonna leave the ball in his court at this point. If I had gotten more of an obvious vibe I might be more aggressive since I am trying to work on that, but I'm feeling uncertain.
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I think this wasn't your first date with him so just a hug is odd, but maybe he likes you and wants to take it slow, since he seems like he does have interest.
I think I've gotten like 8 numbers over the course of the last week or so from Tinder and OKC, but have not come close to actually meeting anyone (besides the old lady for a walk last week :lol). Been working out every day and dieting so still in that mode which is good and really not interested in meeting anyone still, but one of the girls I was talking to seems pretty interesting and is being aggressive with wanting to meet so maybe next week I put some effort into this.
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That's cool... and this was actually our first date. So I dunno. The more I thought about it last night I feel like I may have given off a bad vibe when we were parting ways because I didn't give him any definite answers on hanging out. He said something about his availability and how he could come to my hood and I was just anxious wondering if he was gonna kiss me and maybe didn't give him an indication of wanting to hang again... you know when the stuff a person says just goes in one ear and out the other because you're in that headspace? :lol
I know he's super busy today with editing his podcast but I may send him something friendly later on if I don't hear from him.
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Oh, if it was first date then as long as he showed interest and said the right things (I had fun, lets hang again, blah blah) then I wouldn't worry about his interest. I often don't kiss on first dates.
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So a friend of mine whom I haven't seen in 11 years is about an hour away from me right now. (I've talked about her... I kinda dated her twin sister in Jr. High...) She is stationed in San Diego in the Navy, and finally got her car out here from the East Coast, and is making the 4 hour drive up here just to spend the afternoon / evening with me. We are gonna go bowling and hit up a bar my buddy is playing. It's not a date... just meeting up with an old friend who happens to be female and incredibly beautiful. Haha.
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Well enjoy! Made it to AC, time for some fun!
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Woooo, enjoy!
So I think Brooklyn is probably done. I ended up reaching out to him by sending a pic of this movie I had been telling him about and was excited to get. He gave a short reply and then said nothing when I asked how his day was going. That was like 8-9 hours ago, so I'm assuming he's not THAT busy even though he was working all day. I'm slightly disappointed but not super bummed- I really enjoyed talking to him, but no fireworks. I actually found a video of his standup and the first thing he talks about is a bad experience meeting a girl on OKC, so who knows- something I did (or my hideous appearance) could make it into a joke :lol
On a brighter note, this afternoon I met up with that other guy from OKC (let's call him The Russian) who seemed cool enough but I wasn't super excited about it... and we ended up having a really nice time! He is better looking in person than his pics, and very interesting. We seem to have a good deal in common. He's slightly awkward, which is cute, and charming. I got a peck goodbye from him, which was nice. Hopefully we can plan another day to get together soon, though he seems maybe busier than me (he's a student and researcher) so we shall see when that can happen. This is the second time recently that I've gone in with few expectations and been pleasantly surprised, which is always nice.
On a totally different note, since I'm rambling tonight:
After a period of not talking at all and then talking a bit, I have been occasionally hanging out with the ex who I broke up with last June, who I had dated for over a year (video store guy). I always maintained that I wanted to be friends when we were both ready, and we've hung out a couple of times in the last few weeks- we saw a movie together 2-3 weeks ago (we're both huge movie people- he went to school for film), and then last night we hung out for a bit and had pizza (long story, but he got me a movie I wanted and I told him I would buy him quality pizza in exchange, because he's super broke). It's been platonic, at least on my end- even though I am still attracted to him, I know we don't work as a couple. But I've been getting some vibes from him, and mostly ignoring them/hoping I was misreading. Well tonight I saw him when I went into the store, and then when he got off work he came into the bar nearby where my friend and I were having a beer. Well, my friend had some observations to share when we left, such as "He is madly in love with you." She said she was reading his body language and everything and it was all about me.
I was like :facepalm:, because I know she's right but I've been hoping it wasn't the case. To have an outsider come in and be like "Yep" was... I dunno, helpful, I guess. It's hard, I want to be friends with him and really enjoy his company but don't want to mislead him. I don't think I'm being flirty or anything like that, just trying to be friendly. I think I just need to keep maintaining that boundary. Any input, y'all?
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On a totally different note, since I'm rambling tonight:
After a period of not talking at all and then talking a bit, I have been occasionally hanging out with the ex who I broke up with last June, who I had dated for over a year (video store guy). I always maintained that I wanted to be friends when we were both ready, and we've hung out a couple of times in the last few weeks- we saw a movie together 2-3 weeks ago (we're both huge movie people- he went to school for film), and then last night we hung out for a bit and had pizza (long story, but he got me a movie I wanted and I told him I would buy him quality pizza in exchange, because he's super broke). It's been platonic, at least on my end- even though I am still attracted to him, I know we don't work as a couple. But I've been getting some vibes from him, and mostly ignoring them/hoping I was misreading. Well tonight I saw him when I went into the store, and then when he got off work he came into the bar nearby where my friend and I were having a beer. Well, my friend had some observations to share when we left, such as "He is madly in love with you." She said she was reading his body language and everything and it was all about me.
I was like :facepalm:, because I know she's right but I've been hoping it wasn't the case. To have an outsider come in and be like "Yep" was... I dunno, helpful, I guess. It's hard, I want to be friends with him and really enjoy his company but don't want to mislead him. I don't think I'm being flirty or anything like that, just trying to be friendly. I think I just need to keep maintaining that boundary. Any input, y'all?
Well, if he really is "madly in love with you," staying friends will be difficult since you will always be thinking of ways to not mislead him, and it's doubtful that his feelings won't change no matter what you say or do. Not saying anything could leave the whole thing festering just beneath the surface (pun intended ;), and saying something could result in a conversation where one of you feels on the way and the other another way, leading to major weirdness. Good luck.
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Jackie, that sucks about Brooklyn. I know what you mean about being interested in someone, but not being "invested" too much yet. Just because there's no fireworks doesn't mean you won't be disappointed in some way. Maybe the Russian can be a good replacement for him. I'm curious about your thoughts on how Brooklyn DIDN'T kiss you and how that has manifested, and how the Russian DID kiss you and how your thought on him have developed after not having high expectations. And I'm also interested reading your thoughts on Video Store guy. I think about someone specific that I would love to have in my life in someway, but I know deep down I wouldn't be satisfied with only being friends. Hearing it from your side, and how I know it would be obvious to at least someone, and how you can feel that as well and be left with disappointment because you also want some connection to this person, but don't want to lead them on about potential for the future. I can't speak for the guy, but that can be hard to come back from.
I've still been talking to a potential FWB. I thought I scared her off, but she's still interested in seeing where it goes. I think I'm finally getting my head straight as far as what's really happening and how it's progressing. I might have had too many preconceptions about how this works. For now though, I'm finally out of my own head.
I went out for the 4th time with DT Girl on Friday. She did invite me over on Weds to "help hang a picture" in her new apartment :biggrin:, but had to cancel cuz of a forgotten commitment. I met her and a bunch of coworkers at a BBQ biergarten. It was fun, and I could tell she was sending me signals, like touching my leg and what not. We bailed on the group who was bar hopping and went and hung out by the river. She started asking me questions about things, and since I'm pretty sure I'm not interested in anything serious with her, I let her fall down the rabbit hole that is my brain. All the introspection left me emotionally and mentally exhausted, and by the time we left, frankly I was just really worn out and tired. The next day I texted her and thanked her for inviting me out and "apologized" for talking too much. She replied, "I respect you for being candid. Perhaps, we can meet sometime this weekend. I feel its only fair to be just as up front and honest with you about me and the fundamental needs that I have when it comes to dating. Communication is important to me, so I'd rather do that in person, face to face. Let's plan to talk." Sounds ominous, right? She then tries to get me to go out for a drink last night. I told her I was exhausted from all the introspection, and maybe we can do something chill on Sunday. I get a text this morning that says, "We should figure out a way to kiss. Cause that's fun. Also, romantic."
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Her communication style is weird :lol
That DOES sound ominous, but maybe she just doesn't want to talk dating stuff via text because there's just so much room for interpretation without body language and whatnot. I'm dying to know what her "fundamental needs" are- let's hope it's just good company and some dick, which is basically where I've been at :lol
So The Russian texted me this morning wanting to make plans for the coming week. I texted back a couple hours later (slept til almost noon :metal) but haven't heard back from him yet. He's definitely not a constant texting type so I imagine it will be a bit til I hear back.
I think not being kissed by Brooklyn made my interest and hopes wane, and being kissed by this dude piqued it even more. But I also automatically felt a bit more chemistry with him. It was in his eyes, which are very pretty, if I didn't mention that before :p
And yeah, I think the video store guy is definitely one of those where it will suck if I say something, suck if I don't. We shall see. For now I'm just going to try to remain cool and not spend TOO much time talking to him.
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I'd try to stay away from video store guy. You've been there, done that. Sounds like the Russian has potential and you seem like someone who's got a busy life and lots of friends so maybe your desire to be friends should take a back seat to not wanting to break this guys heart.
Sylvan, you went on 4 dates with DT girl and haven't kissed yet? Sounds like she wants you to make the move. Get on that :tup
Soooo I found out via facebook that my little sister is engaged :censored I only met this guy twice and they couldn't of been dating for more than 6 months. I'm not happy at all about this, not just the fact that no one wants to let me know what's happening in my family (that is the story of my life) but that this guy who is new is going to marry my sister?! From the brief conversations I've had with him, he is definitely one of her better BFs so that's a positive I guess.
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I went out for the 4th time with DT Girl on Friday. She did invite me over on Weds to "help hang a picture" in her new apartment :biggrin:, but had to cancel cuz of a forgotten commitment. I met her and a bunch of coworkers at a BBQ biergarten. It was fun, and I could tell she was sending me signals, like touching my leg and what not. We bailed on the group who was bar hopping and went and hung out by the river. She started asking me questions about things, and since I'm pretty sure I'm not interested in anything serious with her, I let her fall down the rabbit hole that is my brain. All the introspection left me emotionally and mentally exhausted, and by the time we left, frankly I was just really worn out and tired. The next day I texted her and thanked her for inviting me out and "apologized" for talking too much. She replied, "I respect you for being candid. Perhaps, we can meet sometime this weekend. I feel its only fair to be just as up front and honest with you about me and the fundamental needs that I have when it comes to dating. Communication is important to me, so I'd rather do that in person, face to face. Let's plan to talk." Sounds ominous, right? She then tries to get me to go out for a drink last night. I told her I was exhausted from all the introspection, and maybe we can do something chill on Sunday. I get a text this morning that says, "We should figure out a way to kiss. Cause that's fun. Also, romantic."
I get it, I'm not there, I can't feel the vibe, blah blah blah, but am I the only one that read that last paragraph and can't fucking wait until Sunday? I love that shit, and for someone to be upfront and somewhat intellectual - as opposed to "you're supposed to just KNOW I want cock/romance/discussion!" - is awesome. I'd be fired up for Sunday if that was me. That's not all that different from how it went with my now wife (not exactly, though, since I knew I was very interested); we ended up talking for FOUR HOURS on our first date (we went to a restaurant, and didn't even order DRINKS we were so involved in our conversation; the owner actually followed us out to the parking lot to see if everything was ok) and it was really cool to have it be so deep and yet so easy.
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And yeah, I think the video store guy is definitely one of those where it will suck if I say something, suck if I don't. We shall see. For now I'm just going to try to remain cool and not spend TOO much time talking to him.
I don't know if he's cool and earnest or just looking for some ass - not that either is bad, necessarily - but I honestly don't see that ending well. Perhaps you can pull it off but I know for me, I've tried that before and it has always turned out to be - as Jerry Springer would say - "too much baggage".
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You're probably right, but I'm not going to cut off the friendship completely based on the what-ifs. Again, just going to try and not overdo it.
Cram, I would be pissed in that scenario too! Why the fuck do people need to get engaged so quickly?? Also yeah, finding out on Facebook is shitty :(
I have a karaoke date with the Russian on Friday. We will also be meeting a few blocks from where he lives, just in case things get really good :D
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Cram, I would be pissed in that scenario too! Why the fuck do people need to get engaged so quickly?? Also yeah, finding out on Facebook is shitty :(
Apparently my Mom is claiming to have sent an email with a pic of the ring and stuff, but none of my siblings got it :facepalm:
My mom is not happy at all about this engagement. My mom said they have only been together for about 3 or 4 months (I was hoping they were dating for awhile without the family knowing) but was told I need to be happy for her, and I guess if she truly is happy then sure... but this feels like a huge mistake and such a rush. He asked my Dad for permission and he seems like a good guy, but I joked with my mom "Is he going to move in with you now?" for which she joked back, "no, they are both moving in with you!" Neither have steady jobs to support a life together so I have no idea what they are going to do here. I'd feel better knowing they would be struggling and happy if I actually knew the guy, but having only met him twice I can't say a whole lot more other than I am not happy about it.
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I get it, I'm not there, I can't feel the vibe, blah blah blah, but am I the only one that read that last paragraph and can't fucking wait until Sunday? I love that shit, and for someone to be upfront and somewhat intellectual - as opposed to "you're supposed to just KNOW I want cock/romance/discussion!" - is awesome. I'd be fired up for Sunday if that was me.
So I texted her back and said, "Fun lol. Somebody's straightforward. I can come over and help you hang that picture sometime ;)." Her response was, "Wow, look at you with all that cute charm. 😎 What you just did right there.... major turn on. I LOVE when a man flirts back and is just as straightforward. Don't lose that. I'll be available Wednesday after work." :hat
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:metal :metal :metal :metal
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Man, I don't have a sister, but my brother's girlfriend is terrible relationship material, and not a great person in general. If he came around anytime and said "We're engaged!", I would not hold back my opinion. People are fuckin crazy and terribly short sighted. Bad combo.
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I doubt I would say anything if it were me. As the little sister, I've always been given the message that my opinion matters very little, so I've never given it to my brothers. Girlfriends came and went, and I might tell my mom how I felt about them, but that was it. I happen to love my youngest brother's wife, but my oldest... that's a different story, as some of you have read.
Also, I'm not usually the unsolicited advice type. If my bro asked me what I thought I might tell him my reservations, but I wouldn't just say "You're an idiot," even if I feel that way :lol
I get it, I'm not there, I can't feel the vibe, blah blah blah, but am I the only one that read that last paragraph and can't fucking wait until Sunday? I love that shit, and for someone to be upfront and somewhat intellectual - as opposed to "you're supposed to just KNOW I want cock/romance/discussion!" - is awesome. I'd be fired up for Sunday if that was me.
So I texted her back and said, "Fun lol. Somebody's straightforward. I can come over and help you hang that picture sometime ;)." Her response was, "Wow, look at you with all that cute charm. 😎 What you just did right there.... major turn on. I LOVE when a man flirts back and is just as straightforward. Don't lose that. I'll be available Wednesday after work." :hat
Wooo! That's awesome. I wish I could be more straightforward in those situations. I tend to freeze up, but working on it...
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I doubt I would say anything if it were me. As the little sister, I've always been given the message that my opinion matters very little, so I've never given it to my brothers. Girlfriends came and went, and I might tell my mom how I felt about them, but that was it. I happen to love my youngest brother's wife, but my oldest... that's a different story, as some of you have read.
Also, I'm not usually the unsolicited advice type. If my bro asked me what I thought I might tell him my reservations, but I wouldn't just say "You're an idiot," even if I feel that way :lol
I don't plan on saying anything to my sister. She is one who does not care about getting advice anyway so like my mother said, be happy for her so I will try.
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Messaged a girl on OKC because she was a Marvel/Scifi nerd and seemed really nice. Strangely, she responded and is pretty cool. Asked if she wanted to hang out, she said yea and gave me her number. Turns out she's also a therapist. Woo.
I know compared to most of you guys who talk to 4-5 girls at a time and meet them regularly, this isn't anything but I'm pretty excited.
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I know compared to most of you guys who talk to 4-5 girls at a time and meet them regularly, this isn't anything but I'm pretty excited.
Fuck that dude. A win's a win. Sometimes, when it rains, it pours. Other times, the drought keeps rollin'.
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I know compared to most of you guys who talk to 4-5 girls at a time and meet them regularly, this isn't anything but I'm pretty excited.
Fuck that dude. A win's a win. Sometimes, when it rains, it pours. Other times, the drought keeps rollin'.
I also don't message people on OKC. She was the first person I'd messaged in months.
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I know compared to most of you guys who talk to 4-5 girls at a time and meet them regularly, this isn't anything but I'm pretty excited.
Fuck that dude. A win's a win. Sometimes, when it rains, it pours. Other times, the drought keeps rollin'.
I also don't message people on OKC. She was the first person I'd messaged in months.
Good stuff man, and even if I were to be talking to a bunch of girls at once, whenever you find a girl who has an awesome profile and something you can relate to and you get a response, that's always an awesome feeling. Hope this works out.
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I doubt I would say anything if it were me. As the little sister, I've always been given the message that my opinion matters very little, so I've never given it to my brothers. Girlfriends came and went, and I might tell my mom how I felt about them, but that was it. I happen to love my youngest brother's wife, but my oldest... that's a different story, as some of you have read.
Most people don't; I had a long term relationship before I got married the first time, and after that and my divorce people came out of the woodwork saying "Oh, I knew she was trouble from day fucking one, and here's why!" And I'm like "where were you before I wasted xx years and yy dollars on a divorce? You're my friend, you can tell me!"
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But the thing is, you wouldn't have listened to them before you knew it yourself. Unless people can provide concrete evidence that a person is trouble, I'm going to tell them to go fuck themselves if they tell me to leave that person... even if they have evidence I still might. We have to make our own decisions. Maybe I'm just overly stubborn, but this has also been my observation wth others.
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My situation was the opposite. Everyone always said my ex and I were perfect, voted least likely to break up, people were shocked. My point being, outsiders often have no idea what a relationship really is like. With my sister's example, I am not knocking their "love" or anything, just the timing I think is poor. Like how could you know someone well enough to make that commitment after 4 months? Well I spoke to my sister yesterday trying to get the details of how he proposed and I'm feeling like it's ominous. They were scheduled to go sky diving together so he wanted to propose before they did that, but the sky diving got cancelled to due "stormy weather" but being impatient he proposed in my parents living room instead. They rescheduled the sky diving for this weekend. Talk about rushed. :facepalm:
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As with most things, I'm with Jackie on that.
Even for adults, if you think you're in love (or are, regardless of the outcome later on), no amount of naysaying is going to change that unless it's like "Uhh dude here is a picture of her sucking a guy's dick for a baggie of cocaine" (I like to imagine people talking about hardcore drugs and then saying "baggie"). Granted, if you're already waxing and waning on the relationship or something is already wrong, that's a different story. But yeah most of that horribly pretentious, nose-in-the-air snubbing of "Oh I knew she/he was bad news" is such bullshit. It's one of those things that feels like people say that shit to make themselves feel better for whatever the reason. People love to judge, that's about as close to an infallible "fact" as you can get.
Also like what Cram said, people clearly know jack fucking shit about the relationships of others and how things really are underneath the surface. Fact of the matter is they still love to judge and pretend they know their ass from a hole in the ground when the reality is that sometimes even the people within the relationship don't know that it's going to hell. I've had it go both ways. People tell me that we're perfect and should/will get married in the future and it goes to hell. Also that we're destined to fail and that we're so wrong for each other and even though we "broke up", it didn't go to hell and she's the only ex that I'm still very good friends with. Also we fucked the other week so. THAT'LL SHOW YOU, NAYSAYERS.
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I know compared to most of you guys who talk to 4-5 girls at a time and meet them regularly, this isn't anything but I'm pretty excited.
Fuck that dude. A win's a win. Sometimes, when it rains, it pours. Other times, the drought keeps rollin'.
I also don't message people on OKC. She was the first person I'd messaged in months.
Glad to hear it. Let us know how it goes.
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I :heart you, George :lol
And yeah cram, that does sound ominous. I guess I understand being anxious but no need to rush that shit.
The only solution is to kill him in his sleep.
As for me, I've got a karaoke date with the Russian Friday. He doesn't seem to be a big texter, which is fine. Looking forward to it!
I haven't talked much about this here, but things are going well (though moving slow) with the Ginger. I like dating girls because they don't knock me on my ass. It's been very mellow, and that's how it's been with the other woman I've been seeing as well... though today while I was working she sent me a text saying "Hey...thinking about you. I miss you.. And I think we should be knuckles deep in each other soon"
:o
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Dammit Jackie,
(https://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss272/kingshmegland/FB_IMG_1434489157370_zps7dpcrv6p.jpg) (https://s583.photobucket.com/user/kingshmegland/media/FB_IMG_1434489157370_zps7dpcrv6p.jpg.html)
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:rollin
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How do you think I felt? I was sitting with an old lady at work when the message came through :rollin
I definitely started blushing and put my phone down immediately.
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:heart
:rollin
Good stuff!
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They've all started to slip away...
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They've all started to slip away...
What happened?
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Valerie is the only one left and she's not as forthcoming as she was a week ago. I'm not sure if that's attributed to a loss of interest or other obligations. Someone else messaged me today so I can add her as a possibility. She's older than me, has kids, so I know she's not in it to play games. I sound like a broken record though, with this optimism that never pans out.
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optimism that never pans out.
I feel ya on this.
Looks like I have a tentative date for Monday with a 23 year old. She seems nice, not sure we have much in common at all honestly and don't think I have strong interest here, but I haven't gone on a date in awhile since I said I was going to break... but I could use a break from the break :lol I honestly just want to do something exciting since coming home and working out and making dinner is a boring life for me.
Also, shoregirl, the really cute one who I mentioned last week is still talking to me to my surprise. She lives very close to me as well, I think she is the one girl I would really want to go after because she is smart and hot. I'm honestly beyond surprised she still talks to me, but her responses are very slow so I am not going to get myself worked up over her.
There are two other girls who want to meet up, but I am not really strongly interested in either although I could see a situation where we do meet sort of like the above girl, just something to do to give me a break from my otherwise boring week life.
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That's pretty good, that you have a couple of different options at the moment. I feel like as long as there are options, it keeps my spirits up. It does become discouraging when they wind up as dead ends, but I guess if it were that easy to find true love, it would have happened already.
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That's pretty good, that you have a couple of different options at the moment. I feel like as long as there are options, it keeps my spirits up. It does become discouraging when they wind up as dead ends, but I guess if it were that easy to find true love, it would have happened already.
Nothing is easy. It is the worse though when you got a bunch of options and none of them pan out and leaves you back to the drawing board.
None of my options are really interesting besides shoregirl though
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That's pretty good, that you have a couple of different options at the moment. I feel like as long as there are options, it keeps my spirits up. It does become discouraging when they wind up as dead ends, but I guess if it were that easy to find true love, it would have happened already.
Nothing is easy. It is the worse though when you got a bunch of options and none of them pan out and leaves you back to the drawing board.
None of my options are really interesting besides shoregirl though
Is that the one you showed me the profile of?
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That's pretty good, that you have a couple of different options at the moment. I feel like as long as there are options, it keeps my spirits up. It does become discouraging when they wind up as dead ends, but I guess if it were that easy to find true love, it would have happened already.
Nothing is easy. It is the worse though when you got a bunch of options and none of them pan out and leaves you back to the drawing board.
None of my options are really interesting besides shoregirl though
Is that the one you showed me the profile of?
Yes
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She might be one of those rare women who are absolutely gorgeous on the outside and a genuine and sincere person on the inside. It's not something that's easy to find.
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She might be one of those rare women who are absolutely gorgeous on the outside and a genuine and sincere person on the inside. It's not something that's easy to find.
Or she could be evil on the inside, hard to tell since our conversation is so slow, she also could just be nice and not really interested. We will see as I continue to pursue her.
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Or because she is beautiful, and she's probably getting pervy comments from every asshole, she's inundated with messages.
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Or because she is beautiful, and she's probably getting pervy comments from every asshole, she's inundated with messages.
I think we've talked about this before, but I think most guys have NO IDEA what it's like to be a woman on a dating site. I met my wife on Match, and we've talked about this a number of times.
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Or because she is beautiful, and she's probably getting pervy comments from every asshole, she's inundated with messages.
I think we've talked about this before, but I think most guys have NO IDEA what it's like to be a woman on a dating site. I met my wife on Match, and we've talked about this a number of times.
On our first date, Victoria and I spent at least a half hour comparing our Tinder experiences as members of the opposite sex.
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Agreed, but I can't be the only decent male on the site even though i know the assholes are very numerous.
I do think though that they way I started the convo was clutch in terms of showing my niceness, just got to turn that into something more real and it's working, but very slowly.
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Examine her profile. Try to win her over with something you think she's passionate about.
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Yep, definitely lots of assholes out there but there are also decent ones!
I know what you guys mean about having lots of options go suddenly to none. It's disheartening and kinda burns me out. I go through phases where I'm active on OKC and then I just kind of fade away because the whole thing is exhausting.
I have a dinner date tonight with the friend who I hooked up with at my movie party a couple months ago. I think he knows I'm not looking for much but has been wanting to take me out, so I'm cool with it. But I kinda just went to melt into my couch tonight :lol
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So some more about my sister.... they are buying a small house close to me. Plan to close June 15 and they want to be married before moving in so they are going to do something small and private to tie the knot with a formal reception some time down the line. My sister is very religious and my mother told me they don't have sex because of the religion so that's the motivation to get married quickly. I can't fathom how quick they are moving, I just don't understand. I would rather them bang and wait out the marriage another year personally.
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So some more about my sister.... they are buying a small house close to me. Plan to close June 15 and they want to be married before moving in so they are going to do something small and private to tie the knot with a formal reception some time down the line. My sister is very religious and my mother told me they don't have sex because of the religion so that's the motivation to get married quickly. I can't fathom how quick they are moving, I just don't understand. I would rather them bang and wait out the marriage another year personally.
She is religious so she wants to wait to get married to have sex, but they obviously really want to have sex so they're rushing the wedding. Isn't that some loophole that would make the baby Jesus cry?
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So some more about my sister.... they are buying a small house close to me. Plan to close June 15 and they want to be married before moving in so they are going to do something small and private to tie the knot with a formal reception some time down the line. My sister is very religious and my mother told me they don't have sex because of the religion so that's the motivation to get married quickly. I can't fathom how quick they are moving, I just don't understand. I would rather them bang and wait out the marriage another year personally.
She is religious so she wants to wait to get married to have sex, but they obviously really want to have sex so they're rushing the wedding. Isn't that some loophole that would make the baby Jesus cry?
Sounds stupid to me, and stupid enough to make Jesus cry.
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So some more about my sister.... they are buying a small house close to me. Plan to close June 15 and they want to be married before moving in so they are going to do something small and private to tie the knot with a formal reception some time down the line. My sister is very religious and my mother told me they don't have sex because of the religion so that's the motivation to get married quickly. I can't fathom how quick they are moving, I just don't understand. I would rather them bang and wait out the marriage another year personally.
She is religious so she wants to wait to get married to have sex, but they obviously really want to have sex so they're rushing the wedding. Isn't that some loophole that would make the baby Jesus cry?
Sounds stupid to me, and stupid enough to make Jesus cry.
:lol
Then again, we're single and she's talking about marriage, so maybe I should just shut up. :lol
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:rollin
true enough
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So some more about my sister.... they are buying a small house close to me. Plan to close June 15 and they want to be married before moving in so they are going to do something small and private to tie the knot with a formal reception some time down the line. My sister is very religious and my mother told me they don't have sex because of the religion so that's the motivation to get married quickly. I can't fathom how quick they are moving, I just don't understand. I would rather them bang and wait out the marriage another year personally.
She is religious so she wants to wait to get married to have sex, but they obviously really want to have sex so they're rushing the wedding. Isn't that some loophole that would make the baby Jesus cry?
Three of my super religious cousins (all brother and sister) got married before the age of 19 so they could have sex. Their mother told me this. Shame on her. Fucking stupid.
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Hmmm...in a dramatic turn of events (giggity), I went from 1 to 5 prospects. Let's see how this pans out.
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If it helps, my overweight 60 something year old aunt got married (for the 2nd or 3rd time) so she can start banging the guy.
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This page makes my head hurt so fucking bad.
Better go fuck a married chick.
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:lol. Oy vey, religion.
So my date tonight went well, we had a really good conversation and he bought me an excellent salmon dinner, followed by banana cream pie... and no, that is not a euphemism :lol
He is a very interesting dude and is kind of in the same place I am with dating, so he's cool with not hanging out a lot and stuff. I'll see him Sunday because we'll both be at the same bad movie meetup- Hulk Hogathon! I'm sure I'll be super horny after all that muscle.
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bad movie meetup- Hulk Hogathon!
Thunder in Paradise :rollin
So I went to DT Girls apartment for some pizza and beer, and watched Trainwreck. I had her move over to share the blanket. So we cuddled for most of the second half of the movie, until the kiss at the end of the movie. I said, "You wanted to find a way for us to kiss. They're kissing. Seems like a good time, right?" That started a solid makeout session that ended in boh of us shirtless and her saying, "Next time..." :hat
(p.s. Stadler can see these things from a mile away)
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Very niiice :hat
And yes, Thunder in Paradise is one of the FOUR movies :lol
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:lol. Oy vey, religion.
So my date tonight went well, we had a really good conversation and he bought me an excellent salmon dinner, followed by banana cream pie... and no, that is not a euphemism :lol
He is a very interesting dude and is kind of in the same place I am with dating, so he's cool with not hanging out a lot and stuff. I'll see him Sunday because we'll both be at the same bad movie meetup- Hulk Hogathon! I'm sure I'll be super horny after all that muscle.
Nice, banana cream pie :lol if not a euphemism maybe it is foreshadowing especially after all that muscle to come.
bad movie meetup- Hulk Hogathon!
Thunder in Paradise :rollin
So I went to DT Girls apartment for some pizza and beer, and watched Trainwreck. I had her move over to share the blanket. So we cuddled for most of the second half of the movie, until the kiss at the end of the movie. I said, "You wanted to find a way for us to kiss. They're kissing. Seems like a good time, right?" That started a solid makeout session that ended in boh of us shirtless and her saying, "Next time..." :hat
(p.s. Stadler can see these things from a mile away)
Next time! I love and hate that. Like I hate it in the moment, but it's great for anticipation and excitement for hanging out again.
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This page makes my head hurt so fucking bad.
That ain't no lie. :lol
Better go fuck a married chick.
Well. That escalated quickly. :rollin
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Well, it went from 1 woman to 5 yesterday. Then 3 of them disappeared but now it's back up to 4.
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Well, it went from 1 woman to 5 yesterday. Then 3 of them disappeared but now it's back up to 4.
:lol it surely is a game
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So I asked that girl for her number, but never responded to my text. I messaged her on OKC about it and she said she gave me the wrong number by accident (like totally wrong, different area code and all) but did respond to the new number. Very brief messages. I told her to message me when she was free and haven't heard from her since, so I'm out. I don't care for those games you guys seem to like. So I'll just be on my own till something else comes along.
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So I asked that girl for her number, but never responded to my text. I messaged her on OKC about it and she said she gave me the wrong number by accident (like totally wrong, different area code and all) but did respond to the new number. Very brief messages. I told her to message me when she was free and haven't heard from her since, so I'm out. I don't care for those games you guys seem to like. So I'll just be on my own till something else comes along.
I certainly don't like those games, just play along sometimes. But giving the wrong number, by a lot, is kind of odd and would really throw me off. That is not a game I am willing to partake in.
Shoregirl has stopped responding to me, but I checked on her profile and it says she hasn't even been online since her last message. I'm guessing she probably is seeing someone then.
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Eh, she could just be busy. I don't always log on regularly.
Wooo, karaoke date with the Russian tonight! I hope he likes Tool...
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Well, it went from 1 woman to 5 yesterday. Then 3 of them disappeared but now it's back up to 4.
:lol it surely is a game
When you play the Game of Dates, either you win or you masturbate.
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Well, it went from 1 woman to 5 yesterday. Then 3 of them disappeared but now it's back up to 4.
:lol it surely is a game
When you play the Game of Dates, either you win or you masturbate.
:rollin :rollin :rollin
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Date with the Russian went very well (and ended this morning :eyebrows:). I'm still kinda coming down from it, and I think we are both really diggin' each other. Nice feeling :)
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Nice feeling indeed! :metal
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Good to hear!
Dem feels are good feels.
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Don't want to spoil Jackie's good feelings, but I have it on good authority that he's actually a Crimean separatist.
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Nice Jack. At least the Russian came through for you. I unfortunately could not do the same tonight. We started messing around and I got the invite to the bedroom. Just about everything besides actual sex was happening, and she kept resisting. "I want to so bad, I just don't want to move too fast..." We were just 69ing and you're worried about moving too fast lol. We kept having some fun. I got a lot of positive feedback, which I needed. Everything was super hot, and then she gave in. Score... but apparently all the "Will we? We won't. Will we? We won't." got into my head, and I just couldn't get things started there when she finally asked for it. I'm marginally embarrassed, but more so disappointed that I FINALLY was gonna get some, and then apparently my dick lost interest. (cue the Mwop Mwop trombone) :facepalm:
I finally broke through some major walls in my head that were holding me back, just to run into a wall that I didn't see coming. :censored
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Dude, sometimes I legitimately love 69'ing more than actual sex depending on the woman. More often than not I've gotten lucky and it's purdy much like taking a hit of ecstasy to the dick while being smothered with her love muffin. Which is amazing.
Jesus fucking christ I am a pig.
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Date with the Russian went very well (and ended this morning :eyebrows:). I'm still kinda coming down from it, and I think we are both really diggin' each other. Nice feeling :)
(https://i1272.photobucket.com/albums/y393/Prog_Snob/russians_zps2qp4rqth.jpg)
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Jesus fucking christ I am a pig.
Yeah, but that's not a new development :lol
It was VERY hot. There was like 3 hours of "foreplay" that made it very evident that the sex would have been fucking mind blowing! But, in talking to this OTHER chick about a FWB thing, there was a lot of sexual discussion. I haven't done any of that in a long time, so I told her I might not last that long first time around. I guess I was just laying the ground work for her to not be too disappointed. Soooo, needless to say I was, and still AM, a little thrown off by how things went down. Right now I'm gonna chalk it up as a mental hiccup. I KNOW that next time will transition into that a little more naturally.
I'm not so much depressed and curling into a ball, but more like WTF bro! :facepalm:
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69ing can indeed be very hot, but when my nose is in the butthole it's not my favorite, I think I'vsaid here before that I am not an anus fan
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:lol
Dan, that's kind of a bummer but it happens. I think it makes sense that all the resistance/uncertainty on her part kinda put the brakes on your dick. Next time, indeed!
I don't mind 69ing but it's not my favorite thing. A bit too distracting for me- either I can't focus on the other person fully or I can't focus on myself really enjoying it fully. I'd rather just do one at a time/trade off.
So I think the Russian and I are hanging again Friday. I texted him my availability this coming week and he said "Friday works, Tuesday might also depending on my lab work" (he is doing cancer research- how cool is that?)... I told him we should just go with Friday, then thanked him for the beard burn on my chin. He said "anytime!" and nothing about the date, but I think it's safe to say we are on :hat
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when my nose is in the butthole it's not my favorite, I think I'vsaid here before that I am not an anus fan
Dan, that's kind of a bummer
Quoted for troof.
Carry on :lol
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when my nose is in the butthole it's not my favorite, I think I'vsaid here before that I am not an anus fan
:lol
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If I have to worry about a girl's ass stinking that bad, it's time to throw her back in the shower. :biggrin:
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:lol, it happens
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:lol, shit happens
FTFY :rollin
Coming from a first time 69er, I'd be lying if I said that didn't cross my mind at least once :lol. But only because that's the type of thing that crosses my mind when a hot chick goes to sit on my face, not because of any outside stimuli lol. I'm inclined to agree though that switching off is a better game plan. She couldn't really concentrate on her end.
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Yeah, although I can see why the idea of doing each other simultaneously is sexy, I'd rather be able to give the other person's parts my full attention.
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Jesus fucking christ I am a pig.
Yeah, but that's not a new development :lol
It was VERY hot. There was like 3 hours of "foreplay" that made it very evident that the sex would have been fucking mind blowing! But, in talking to this OTHER chick about a FWB thing, there was a lot of sexual discussion. I haven't done any of that in a long time, so I told her I might not last that long first time around. I guess I was just laying the ground work for her to not be too disappointed. Soooo, needless to say I was, and still AM, a little thrown off by how things went down. Right now I'm gonna chalk it up as a mental hiccup. I KNOW that next time will transition into that a little more naturally.
I'm not so much depressed and curling into a ball, but more like WTF bro! :facepalm:
You might be able to spin that to your advantage, if you play your cards right. ("My brain was in tune with your desire to hold off, and yadda yadda yadda...").
Don't let it ruin your arc.
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69ing can indeed be very hot, but when my nose is in the butthole it's not my favorite, I think I'vsaid here before that I am not an anus fan
I prefer to concentrate on one thing at a time as well, but the forbidden paradise is kind of the thing that if it's bad, it's BAD (though I have been personally lucky in that regard), but if it's good, it's really good. For whatever reason, a woman that is confident and comfortable enough to wave that in my face is all right with me.
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Ugh...I'm so all over the place right now. One girl responded but she's seeing someone. However, she would like to be friends. Of course, the one who is into hiking and writing and goth and metal is the one that is already spoken for. bah
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Sucks, supposed to have the date with the 23 year old tonight. She confirmed plans with my yesterday, she wanted to come down by me so we are supposed to meet at the bar at my house around 7:30, but she has not responded to my text today so has me wondering if she will cancel. Whatever if she does.
Another girl wants to go on a date on Saturday, I said yes, but we will see. This girl is crazy and has lots of issues, but is ridiculously funny and we have some similar interests so I think it might be worth it just to grab a drink and chat, but I don't see anything serious with this girl.
Over the weekend I matched on tinder with a really really cute blond girl from Tennessee but she lives in the city, and given my last TinderSuccess, girls from the city are too much for me. I almost want to just meet her though because she is so damn cute and probably has a nice southern charm.
Above all though, over the weekend I saw my friend who I hadn't seen in awhile and he noticed my weight loss so that was the first person to say something without knowing I've been working on it so that continues my motivation to keep at it and girls are not my priority at the moment.
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The 23 year old is that gorgeous one? I should try Tinder again. I tried Zoosk for a bit but saw my ex-girlfriend on it and it destroyed me, so needless to say I cancelled that subscription.
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Over the weekend I matched on tinder with a really really cute blond girl from Tennessee but she lives in the city, and given my last TinderSuccess, girls from the city are too much for me. I almost want to just meet her though because she is so damn cute and probably has a nice southern charm.
Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
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The 23 year old is that gorgeous one? I should try Tinder again. I tried Zoosk for a bit but saw my ex-girlfriend on it and it destroyed me, so needless to say I cancelled that subscription.
Nope, that was shoregirl, she has not signed onto okc since she last messaged me last week which is why I think it's likely she is seeing someone.
Never heard of zoosk.
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Don't use it.
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Don't use it.
Why not? I'm not looking for a new app at the moment, but jsut curious why you say so.
Also, 23 year old confirmed date is on tonight. Excited to meet someone new for my first date in awhile (I dont count walks in the parks with people I didn't have interest in as dates).
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I don't know. :lol If you do, just don't message any 26 year olds from Staten Island. ;)
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I don't know. :lol If you do, just don't message any 26 year olds from Staten Island. ;)
Now you are making me want to just for the fun of it :lol
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I don't know. :lol If you do, just don't message any 26 year olds from Staten Island. ;)
Now you are making me want to just for the fun of it :lol
Nooooo... she's off limits. ;) Too much fallout from that relationship.
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I don't know. :lol If you do, just don't message any 26 year olds from Staten Island. ;)
Now you are making me want to just for the fun of it :lol
Nooooo... she's off limits. ;) Too much fallout from that relationship.
Oh, I thought you were talking about in general, not a specific person :lol no thanks to your sloppy seconds
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I don't know. :lol If you do, just don't message any 26 year olds from Staten Island. ;)
Now you are making me want to just for the fun of it :lol
Nooooo... she's off limits. ;) Too much fallout from that relationship.
Oh, I thought you were talking about in general, not a specific person :lol no thanks to your sloppy seconds
:lol
Sloppy is putting it kindly.
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Date went well last night, I really had a nice evening. She was wayyyy more talkative in person than through text which was nice and she was also ridiculously happy. Like the first 5 minutes I actually thought I would be getting annoyed by how happy she was, but maybe that was just her way of being nervous and she calmed down shortly after, but still couldn't stop noticing how much she was smiling and being happy. Gave all the body signs of having interest, lots of eye contact, legs facing me, did a quick kiss on the way out and the "good date follow up texts". I'm curious if she will be more talkative now through text. I didn't put much into this and I probably wont put much more, but I was pleasantly surprised with how well everything went and would definitely see her again.
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I'm glad to hear it went well. It seems like she was really feeling it last night which is a good sign.
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The 23 year old is that gorgeous one? I should try Tinder again. I tried Zoosk for a bit but saw my ex-girlfriend on it and it destroyed me, so needless to say I cancelled that subscription.
Nope, that was shoregirl, she has not signed onto okc since she last messaged me last week which is why I think it's likely she is seeing someone.
So she signed on this morning and responded to me... with her number! :metal
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The 23 year old is that gorgeous one? I should try Tinder again. I tried Zoosk for a bit but saw my ex-girlfriend on it and it destroyed me, so needless to say I cancelled that subscription.
Nope, that was shoregirl, she has not signed onto okc since she last messaged me last week which is why I think it's likely she is seeing someone.
So she signed on this morning and responded to me... with her number! :metal
:zydarscouch:
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Excellent! Hopefully you see her again soon.
The Russian is not much of a texter, which is fine but sometimes I start to feel insecure and need a bit of reassurance that the person is actually still into me since I've had people go from hot to cold quickly a couple of times. So I've texted him a few times the last couple of days and he is slow to respond but usually does. We actually made sort of solid plans for Friday, so that made me feel better. He's sooo much more responsive in person, obviously, it's just all that weird time in between dates when I start to overthink and question.
Um, I also may have sort of scheduled a threesome for Saturday :lol
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The Russian is not much of a texter, which is fine but sometimes I start to feel insecure and need a bit of reassurance that the person is actually still into me since I've had people go from hot to cold quickly a couple of times. So I've texted him a few times the last couple of days and he is slow to respond but usually does. We actually made sort of solid plans for Friday, so that made me feel better. He's sooo much more responsive in person, obviously, it's just all that weird time in between dates when I start to overthink and question.
I get like this too. I can understand when people are busy, but I start to wonder where I stand when a person consistently doesn't respond in a timely fashion.
Um, I also may have sort of scheduled a threesome for Saturday :lol
:corn
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Since we're on the topic of threesomes, my first sexual experience was actually a threesome.
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:justjen Sounds like storytime :corn
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Um, I also may have sort of scheduled a threesome for Saturday :lol
As much as I am interested in hearing the details, I have to ask: how do you "sort of" schedule a threesome? I've never actually HAD a threesome, but I'm wondering if perhaps I have ever "sort of" had one. :)
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Since I had discussed my sister's recent and shocking engagement here, I might as well continue. On Sunday the family went out for dinner for Mother's day. My first time seeing my sister and her new fiance since the engagement. They came seperately from the rest of the family since they were going to his parents after. The ride up to the restaurant I found out my older sister grilled the new fiance at dinner the night before :lol essentailly asking all the questions that we all wanted to ask. He apparantly didn't have a lot of answers and a couple times had to leave the table. I wish I was there for that! But he didn't leave or dodge anything, just struggled and was likely extremely caught off guard. I got some more information about him, information that is not good. He was dishonorably discharged from the army for drugs. He has a 9 year old son. And according to my brother in law, he has lived a life of constantly making mistakes. The way they met is through a church that helped both my sister and him recover from their bad life choices. So he doesnt do drugs or drink anymore, but I couldn't help but tell my parents this whole thing seems like another bad choice by him. A total rush. Either way, he was nice during dinner and didn't get grilled by anyone, but I have a hard time accepting all of this. They are getting married July 8th. They are under contract to buy a house, a house that since neither him nor my sister have a real job, that my father is technically buying! I warned my Dad about them bleeding every dollar out of him. It's so quick and so foolish IMO and I hate everything about it.
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The last sentence pretty much captures it. That sounds like a horrible/hilarious scene in a movie or some shit. Wow.
Well, let us know when it goes to shit.
#MakeMarriageGreatAgain
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Um, I also may have sort of scheduled a threesome for Saturday :lol
As much as I am interested in hearing the details, I have to ask: how do you "sort of" schedule a threesome? I've never actually HAD a threesome, but I'm wondering if perhaps I have ever "sort of" had one. :)
I thought she was just being coy by wording it that way.
:justjen Sounds like storytime :corn
Quick story. I don't want to go into details so that everyone is faptastically fellating their fingers.
I was dating this girl Jill. She had a best friend named Fawn. They hooked up plenty of times before I ever starting dating Jill. While I was dating Jill, I started seeing Fawn on the side. One night they came by my house and one thing led to another, and boom, I wasn't a virgin anymore. No alcohol involved. It seems that many people have their sexual exploitations due to alcohol and/or drugs. None were involved in my situation. It was just three people horny as fuck.
Post script to the story. Jill eventually found out I was fucking Fawn on the side, so we broke up and Fawn and I started dating. During that, I started to see Jill again on the side. Fawn found out and broke up with me so I wound up back with Jill. Fawn came to see me at work one day and she apologized for overreacting and wanted to hang out so we hooked up behind the store. Someone that I worked with saw us and told Jill (Jill worked there too). Jill found out, dumped me. I wound up with Fawn for a couple of more months and then ended it all.
Yes, highly ridiculous and confusing. :lol
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Mostly just ridiculous :lol but sounds like a good time and I'm surprised there weren't more threesomes considering the three of you kept going back and forth. Should have just turned mormon.
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Mostly just ridiculous :lol but sounds like a good time and I'm surprised there weren't more threesomes considering the three of you kept going back and forth. Should have just turned mormon.
Post-postscript by the way. Fawn got arrested in Pennsylvania a few years back for prostitution.
The threesomes stopped because after the first cheating incident, they stopped being best friends.
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Fawn got arrested in Pennsylvania a few years back for prostitution.
yikes.
Looks like 23 year old and I have a second date for Friday. That date I had tentatively scheduled for Saturday I am going to cancel, if that crazy girl ever even responds to me. She planned the date for Saturday and then stopped responding to me, that was Sunday night/Monday morning. But I think my date Friday night solidifies my cancellation for Saturday because I need one night with the guys too.
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Fawn got arrested in Pennsylvania a few years back for prostitution.
yikes.
Looks like 23 year old and I have a second date for Friday. That date I had tentatively scheduled for Saturday I am going to cancel, if that crazy girl ever even responds to me. She planned the date for Saturday and then stopped responding to me, that was Sunday night/Monday morning. But I think my date Friday night solidifies my cancellation for Saturday because I need one night with the guys too.
That's awesome. Let's hope it goes as well as the first one. :tup
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Thanks, should be fun :metal
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Cram, that sister situation sounds baaaad. Oy.
As for the threesome, I was sort of being coy. The ginger and I are apparently going to double team her husband for his birthday ;)
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What a birthday gift!
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Cram, that sister situation sounds baaaad. Oy.
As for the threesome, I was sort of being coy. The ginger and I are apparently going to double team her husband for his birthday ;)
I'm sorry; I just spoke to the husband, and he will be away on business that day. I graciously offered - and he accepted - to take his place, because it wouldn't be right to have all that effort and planning go to waste.
No need to thank me, I'm here to help.
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Cram, that sister situation sounds baaaad. Oy.
As for the threesome, I was sort of being coy. The ginger and I are apparently going to double team her husband for his birthday ;)
I'm sorry; I just spoke to the husband, and he will be away on business that day. I graciously offered - and he accepted - to take his place, because it wouldn't be right to have all that effort and planning go to waste.
No need to thank me, I'm here to help.
Said by every man from the dawn of time. :lol
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:lol, so selfless.
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Cram, that sister situation sounds baaaad. Oy.
As for the threesome, I was sort of being coy. The ginger and I are apparently going to double team her husband for his birthday ;)
:tup
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So I have a date with the Russian tomorrow and I initially suggested a movie, but the more I think about him the more I want him to just come to my place where we can still watch a movie but freely grope each other. I think I'm going to propose that...
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So I have a date with the Russian tomorrow and I initially suggested a movie, but the more I think about him the more I want him to just come to my place where we can still watch a movie but freely grope each other. I think I'm going to propose that...
Isn't that what the back row of the theater is for?
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Sure, but then we both leave the movie sweating and frustrated until we can get back to one of our places. I'm cutting out the middle man.
Funny thing is the movie is The Rock, the theater is showing it as a drinking game. SO I'm going to suggest we make our own drinking game, with less clothing. I don't own The Rock, but I have about 12 other Cage options.
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Sure, but then we both leave the movie sweating and frustrated until we can get back to one of our places. I'm cutting out the middle man.
Funny thing is the movie is The Rock, the theater is showing it as a drinking game. SO I'm going to suggest we make our own drinking game, with less clothing. I don't own The Rock, but I have about 12 other Cage options.
How is it a drinking game? Something that Connery says makes you drink? Love that movie though.
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I've done Drunk Trek, but I never wanted to see any clothes come off in that room. :lol
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I have no idea what they'll do with it, but I'm sure it will be fun. I texted him saying I basically wanted to not really be in public with him so we could be naked and he was brief but agreed to it. He's in the middle of science-ing, so I don't really expect to get too much from him. I said we could get a beer/dinner near me if he wants and make our own drinking game :hat
Edit: also, Vermont has resurfaced because he's done with finals! So he wants to hang Sunday. Man, my vagina is going to hurt on Monday...
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:lol you always have a great line at the end of your love life updates
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I'm actually sitting here wondering if I can handle all of that sex in one weekend :lol
ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT :yarr
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If that's your biggest problem going into the weekend then you are doing something right :tup :tup
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Better have a cut man in your corner Jackie.
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:rollin
At first I was like "What does circumcision have to do with this??" And then I looked that word up :lolpalm:
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Edited for history's sake lol.
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I think a girl at my new job likes me? I'm not sure. Very attractive Mexican girl, just thought I'd point that out. Not that either of those, being Mexican or being attractive, are relevant.
I work a sales position where there's a lot of downtime in the store if there aren't any customers. We contract our cleaning and there are other positions that stock merchandise, so we just chit-chat if it's a slow day. Anyway, [Girl] and I have had a lot of time to talk at the store and, as it turns out, we have a lot in common. We've been getting to know each other a lot better and talking more and more.
This is where it gets a bit sketchy for me. She has a very playful, almost flirtatious, personality type, but it feels like moreso with me than with others. I've made this mistake in the past, so I'm trying not to jump to conclusions or to infer too much. When we're waiting for customers, we generally line up along the wall so whoever's first in line can open the door for the next customer, then we all move up, so on and so forth. When she's in line next to me, she'll come up and lean on me, or she'll stand right beside me and lean her bodyweight on to me in the form of a kind of "push," expecting me to just prop her up or push her back in sort of a rocking motion or what have you. Or sometimes she'll walk past me and give me a small shove. Just little things like that. Earlier today, she doodled my name on my arm with a pen.
I walked into the back and one of the other guys said "So Im thinkin' that [Girl] kinda has a thing for you."
"Yeah, I... Maybe. She's kinda playful with everyone like that, though."
"True, and you're right, but it seems like lately it's more you than anyone else."
Me: shrug
I'm not gonna take too much from it just yet. I'll wait and see how things go.
Oh, almost forgot. A few days ago, she told me in private that she is breaking up with the guy she's been seeing because basically they don't have compatible lifestyles. She wants someone more responsible and closer to her age. Some of the other guys in the store are interested in her, but she made a point to tell me where they wouldn't hear. She didn't want to talk about it in front of any of them.
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She probably does have a thing for you, but honestly that whole story sounds like something from grade school, the leaning on you, flirtatious with most of the guys, noodling on your arm. All reminds me of the flirty girls when I was young.
Sylvan, you'll work through your problem. Sounds like the girl likes you so just go in with some confidence next time.
23yo (I guess that'll be her nickname) is coming over tonight for our date, and then we'll grab some sushi at the spot near my house and come back to watch game of thrones. I convinced her to start watching so she said we will be ready to wrap up season 1 tonight. She hasn't really shown signs of wanting to do any extracurricular activities, but it's a friday night, chilling in my basement... if things are going well, I think I will try to make my move.
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Season 1 of GOT has provided many inspirations for making the move. Get on with it. :biggrin:
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Season 1 of GOT has provided many inspirations for making the move. Get on with it. :biggrin:
I knew you'd have something to say about GOT :lol
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Its really hard starting to date again after a long relationship. Had pretty much what I wanted after a long time of looking, but it just didn't work out. Now its back to square one all over again. But oh well I guess. just have to try and move on.
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Season 1 of GOT has provided many inspirations for making the move. Get on with it. :biggrin:
I knew you'd have something to say about GOT :lol
My reputation precedes me. :lol
I spoke to that girl Val on the phone. She seems to be an intriguing woman. She's not looking to rush into anything, but at least she hasn't chased me away, so that's a good sign. She knows I'm not looking for texting buddies. It's just a matter of finding time to meet since she works odd hours.
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"I can't fucking believe that."
"ICFBT" as in "I can't believe sex can feel that good" or "ICFBT" as "Dude, can you please get your ween to work right?"
Part of me wonders if this is TMI, but then I read one of Jorge's posts, and I'm like, nah, it's good.
Hahaha, he has set a bar for us, hasn't he. :) :) ;)
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Oh, almost forgot. A few days ago, she told me in private that she is breaking up with the guy she's been seeing because basically they don't have compatible lifestyles. She wants someone more responsible and closer to her age. Some of the other guys in the store are interested in her, but she made a point to tell me where they wouldn't hear. She didn't want to talk about it in front of any of them.
I'm leaning toward "thing" but who knows. I think you need to test it. Go for drinks. Go for lunch. Get her out of the store.
I know for me, it's hard to tell, but it's often good to put both of you in different circumstances and see if the behavior is the same. Little story: right after my divorce, I moved and there was a local bar near me (walking distance). The owner's sister was a bartender about half the time, but usually on the slower nights (i.e. not Fri. or Sat.) so she was there a LOT when I came in. And we would talk, and since they were slow nights, sometimes the talk was a lot and sometimes let's say, "in depth". I would eat and sometimes she would order for me, that kind of thing. I'd always get the "end" of the wine bottle (i.e. a stiff pour). When I'd walk in, if I couldn't get a seat at the bar, she would yell "Hey Stadler! (not my name)" so people could hear, and it felt good. Sometimes, late, if it cleared out, I'd stay and make sure she wasn't alone (there was an older guy that would do that, but sometimes he liked his drink and wouldn't show up). She even showed me the "hidden safe" for the night's take.
Yet, when she would come in with her friends or family it was like I didn't exist. Maybe a wave, but that's it. I don't think we said five words to each other when she wasn't behind the bar. So I never made a move even though I would have gladly if the opportunity presented itself.
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And did she receive some nice tips?
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"I can't fucking believe that."
"ICFBT" as in "I can't believe sex can feel that good" or "ICFBT" as "Dude, can you please get your ween to work right?"
Haha, the former lol. If it was the latter, and she was then telling me how she can't wait to tell her friends, I would have pushed her on the ground and rolled out.
I think a girl at my new job likes me? I'm not sure.
Take it from someone that can speak from experience, or lack of. Finding out one way or another is better than not knowing and wondering. Sometimes things work, sometimes they don't. Wondering which way it would have gone fucking sucks lol.
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I loled at the "Hey Stadler (not my name)" :lol
She probably does have a thing for you, but honestly that whole story sounds like something from grade school, the leaning on you, flirtatious with most of the guys, noodling on your arm. All reminds me of the flirty girls when I was young.
Pretty much this. How old is she? Sounds like she is into you but since you work together that could get sticky (also, she may still have thr bf). But if it's not the career you plan on having for the rest of your life, I say test the waters and see if she wants to hang out after work some day.
(Edit- yeah, basically what sylvan just said)
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She's 28. I'm 29.
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Okay, well she does seem a tad immature in her flirting style, but I would definitely say it sounds like flirting. Maybe just an innocent "I'm hungry! Wanna grab a bite?" and see how she acts in a non-work setting.
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And did she receive some nice tips?
I decline to answer on the grounds that I might embarrass myself. :)
Nothing egregious, but certainly at least 20%, minimum, sometimes more when she picked something good from the menu (or the few times she made sure I had something not on the menu).
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Okay, well she does seem a tad immature in her flirting style, but I would definitely say it sounds like flirting. Maybe just an innocent "I'm hungry! Wanna grab a bite?" and see how she acts in a non-work setting.
I tried to read my posts in someone else's shoes, and yeah, I can see that. Thing is it kind of fits. Our whole work environment is kind of... playful, I guess. We're all a little on the goofy side at work because it keeps our spirits up. Even the managers play around when they don't have to wear the manager hat.
Showing up to work is kind of like a playdate with friends.
Shit, I just realized how much I like my new job compared to my last.
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On a lighter note, DT Girl is taking me to The Players Championship tomorrow. I've been the last 5 years, but she's got corporate hospitality tickets, so I finally get some a/c relief from walking around in the May heat in Florida. Maybe I'll get a special birthday gift. There was talk of sexy lingerie. It's no threesome, but I'll take it :corn.
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Sounds awesome :metal :metal
My date went really well, she just left since she has to work in the morning :'( Had some good make out sessions. She wasn't the best kisser, but during the first make out session I could feel her shaking like she was nervous. By the 4th make out session we got into a good groove and the kissing was much better. She didn't want to go any further since when it got heated up she said she had to leave. It was definitely a fun night though, she said she wants to do more game of thrones watching with me.
Also, our sushi dinner was really cool. One thing I like about this girl is her happiness and ease of conversation. We got to the sushi joint and there was a 15 minute wait, no big deal. We ended up waiting closer to 30 minutes and it felt like nothing because we both just chatted non stop. They actually seated another group before us accidentally, they came to us to apologize and sat us in a private table as a way to get us seated quicker. It was pretty nice secluded huge table and booth for just the two of us.
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The last coule posts= :metal
Woo for you guys!
Russian left this morning (for a baby birthday party, of all things). Obviously the night went well. We met for drinks/dinner at the beer garden near me, then he came back here and we watched Black Sheep, because nothing gets me hornier than the bleats of murderous livestock. He is hilarious and sexy and I really enjoy his company. He is definitely on the same page, which is nice. I won't go into the context but last night I told him I couldn't get enough of him and he said the feeling was mutual.
Not trying to look too eager but already wondering when we can hang again...
I did part from that meeting slightly unsatisfied physically (mostly due to exhaustion last night/this morning) but that's probably a good thing with tonight's plans :hat
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Damn Jackie, you got your finger in alotta pies :rollin. Sounds like you and Ivan Drago are on your way to some good times.
I had a strange I interaction today. Short preface: went on one "date" (long hike, it was a nice time to be fair) with this woman, she told me she wanted to exclusively see someone else she had gone out with, I tried to be friends with her but she always seemed to resist when she had a boyfriend, I thought she moved with her Navy boyfriend to Washington (from FL) when I stopped hearing from her in January, I chatted with her very briefly two weekends ago.
This happened today:
K: Hi Dan. I know your intentions are good but I just really don't feel comfortable trying to form a friendship with a single guy I went on a date with once when I am not only in a very happy relationship but a long distance one. I wouldn't be happy if my bf were doing the same with girls where he is either. So I am a little confused about how to deal with texts and calls...I'm sure there are lots of other girls in Jacksonville :).
Me: Wowzers, can't let this one go. It's clear now that you never really accepted my intentions. All I ever wanted, after you said you wanted something else, was to be friends. I actively wanted that because I genuinely thought we could be close, good friends. I saw parallels with myself and was making efforts to have you in my life as a quality person, not a romantic interest. If you and your BF would both be uncomfortable with the other having a friend of the opposite sex, then you're BOTH insecure. I'm glad you took the time to say this two weeks after we last spoke, and the last time was 4 months before that. Sorry I made you so uncomfortable by being friendly. I spent my birthday at The Players today with the woman I'm dating, and now I'm gonna enjoy the Suns game with my friends, because they actually appreciate my friendship. Peace out.
Her: Ohkay then
Me: Yeah, enjoy Washington. I hear it's nice...
That really bums me out. :tdwn :\ ???
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I don't get it.
Being told for a year or whatever that we aren't a thing. We aren't together. Then getting so much shit because it looks like I am flirting with someone online.
--- Ok more details needed.
She and I play Warcaft together. We finally found a guild that we like... doing shit as a group (she and I and 2 other guild members). The guild chat gets very suggestive. Lots of innuendos. Usually I just stfu. Tonight I was actually very unwound and was actually chit chatting. About the same level of suggestiveness you see me talk on here (because this a safe place for me :heart ) and it causes a shit storm.
You cant fucking tell me to piss off and we aren't together, and then get pissed off about pointless meaningless chat. With a stranger. In a game.
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Ahhhh yes...the beautiful double standard. I've been there. It's frustrating. How bad is it? Is it a regular occurrence?
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This is really the first time it's happened..
Things calmed down and we talked and shit and she kinda apologized...
This whole situation is a headache sometimes.
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Damn Jackie, you got your finger in alotta pies :rollin. Sounds like you and Ivan Drago are on your way to some good times.
I had a strange I interaction today. Short preface: went on one "date" (long hike, it was a nice time to be fair) with this woman, she told me she wanted to exclusively see someone else she had gone out with, I tried to be friends with her but she always seemed to resist when she had a boyfriend, I thought she moved with her Navy boyfriend to Washington (from FL) when I stopped hearing from her in January, I chatted with her very briefly two weekends ago.
This happened today:
K: Hi Dan. I know your intentions are good but I just really don't feel comfortable trying to form a friendship with a single guy I went on a date with once when I am not only in a very happy relationship but a long distance one. I wouldn't be happy if my bf were doing the same with girls where he is either. So I am a little confused about how to deal with texts and calls...I'm sure there are lots of other girls in Jacksonville :).
Me: Wowzers, can't let this one go. It's clear now that you never really accepted my intentions. All I ever wanted, after you said you wanted something else, was to be friends. I actively wanted that because I genuinely thought we could be close, good friends. I saw parallels with myself and was making efforts to have you in my life as a quality person, not a romantic interest. If you and your BF would both be uncomfortable with the other having a friend of the opposite sex, then you're BOTH insecure. I'm glad you took the time to say this two weeks after we last spoke, and the last time was 4 months before that. Sorry I made you so uncomfortable by being friendly. I spent my birthday at The Players today with the woman I'm dating, and now I'm gonna enjoy the Suns game with my friends, because they actually appreciate my friendship. Peace out.
Her: Ohkay then
Me: Yeah, enjoy Washington. I hear it's nice...
That really bums me out. :tdwn :\ ???
I think Jackie has a lot of fingers in her pie is more appropriate :lol
As for your friend. I don't get it either honestly, just let her be. I'm not entirely sure what you expect her to do and she made it clear she doesn't want to be friends.
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This is really the first time it's happened..
Things calmed down and we talked and shit and she kinda apologized...
This whole situation is a headache sometimes.
I understand. You won't be able to defeat that mentality. It's best to either make the best of it or find someone less psychotic. :lol
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Dan, wtf?? That was a really weird thing for her to do. Maybe her bf found out she had spoken to you and got mad? It does seem very insecure, the whole thing. You tried to be friends and she was weird so whatever, I guess that's it. Not a huge loss, obviously. I hope your date today is going awesome!
So last night was a lot of fun. Actually pretty mild as far as threesomes go. It was both of their first! Apparently he has had a thing for me for a while, but didn't think I liked him and they didn't want to bring it up before and make it seem like they were "unicorn hunting." But I think he is adorable and awkward, which I find endearing. I slept over, they made me breakfast and we went to a carnival with their daughters, which was a lot of fun.
Vermont cancelled on me for later, which wasn't a surprise nor was I really disappointed because I'm exhausted, but he wants to try and hang next week. *shrug*
I was feeling really self conscious about the Russian because he never responded to a text I sent yesterday saying I was thinking of him while jogging when the Depeche Mode song "Just Can't Get Enough" came on (appropriate because of the interaction we had the other night, plus he likes Depeche Mode). But today he texted me something unrelated and seems to be his normal self (kind of short with his texting), so I dunno. I guess I'll reach out today or tomorrow and see if he wants to hang again.
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Ah so those pics on FB are your ginger?
nice
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Looks like Thursday is another date night with 23yo and then Friday night I'll head into the city to meet this other girl I've been chatting with from Tennessee (might as well nickname her Tennessee). This girl has been a blast to talk to, she is so damn cute and nice. I can't wait to meet her. She seems so genuine and real, not fake like half the girls I talk to. Speaking of which, shoregirl, seems fake. I can tell when I am being bullshitted and she is definitely doing that. Pretty sure she is with another guy because her excuses for not responding to me are ridiculous. I called her out on it just now and I don't expect a response (not being with another guy, but her not showing any interest since giving me her number). I hate games and she is definitely playing them. I got two girls who I am enjoying talking to so oh well to her. I think I told myself I wouldn't get serious with any girls until I finished getting into shape... yea that didn't work, I can't help myself, I need a woman in my life :lol
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On a lighter note, DT Girl is taking me to The Players Championship tomorrow. I've been the last 5 years, but she's got corporate hospitality tickets, so I finally get some a/c relief from walking around in the May heat in Florida. Maybe I'll get a special birthday gift. There was talk of sexy lingerie. It's no threesome, but I'll take it :corn.
In my book, "banging her in the hospitality tent" is pretty close to "threesome" in enjoyability.
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Looks like Thursday is another date night with 23yo and then Friday night I'll head into the city to meet this other girl I've been chatting with from Tennessee (might as well nickname her Tennessee). This girl has been a blast to talk to, she is so damn cute and nice. I can't wait to meet her. She seems so genuine and real, not fake like half the girls I talk to. Speaking of which, shoregirl, seems fake. I can tell when I am being bullshitted and she is definitely doing that. Pretty sure she is with another guy because her excuses for not responding to me are ridiculous. I called her out on it just now and I don't expect a response (not being with another guy, but her not showing any interest since giving me her number). I hate games and she is definitely playing them. I got two girls who I am enjoying talking to so oh well to her. I think I told myself I wouldn't get serious with any girls until I finished getting into shape... yea that didn't work, I can't help myself, I need a woman in my life :lol
That's awesome. It's always nice to have more than one prospect. Not only is it a morale booster but it shows that there's hope with regards to there being some good women out there still.
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Well looks like your hands are kinda full, cram! What do you mean about shoregirl's excuses, though? Like, she won't get back to you when you ask her stuff, or what?
Speaking of, I am still getting used to Russian's bare bones texting, and struggling with wanting to make plans but not look too eager. I've just been trying to keep it light, sending him dog pics and whatnot...
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Anybody have any dating site preferences?
I've only messed with OK Cupid and did have some dates, but didn't really find what I was looking for. I think I am going to try match.com next.
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Well looks like your hands are kinda full, cram! What do you mean about shoregirl's excuses, though? Like, she won't get back to you when you ask her stuff, or what?
Her responses sometimes take days and I won't send multiple messages so when she finally responds, she often ignores the last message from days ago that I sent. Before my good bye text I had asked to get drinks to make it easier to speak for which I didn't get a response and that was the last time I try. With other girls showing actual interest, there's no point in me wasting my time with a girl who can't even give 10% of my effort back. She's either just not interested and wasn't mean enough to just say so (or stop responding all together) or she is seeing someone (that's what I truly believe, since she shows the same patterns as other girls who have done that from my experience).
Anybody have any dating site preferences?
I've only messed with OK Cupid and did have some dates, but didn't really find what I was looking for. I think I am going to try match.com next.
I've only used OKC and Tinder. Both have ups and downs.
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Oh yeah, that's really lame. Good riddance to her!
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So I'm a member of this Facebook group dating site, where people just put up posts about themselves and what they're looking for and other people can answer if it sounds interesting. I wrote together a post of my own and got an answer from a really cute girl. She's poly, which is probably just as well - although I've always been all for monogamy in the past, I feel like I right now don't really want that kind of relationship.
Anyway, after talking for a while, I suggested meeting up for a beer or something, which we will do sometime next week. It's been about 8 months since I went on a date or slept with someone. I'm sure I'm gonna be nervous as all hell. :lol
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Awesome :metal
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Yessss, join the dark (non-monogamous) side.
I tried to make weekend plans with The Russian last night because my schedule is filling up, and he said he would really like to see me soon, but we haven't solidified anything. He said he had no plans this weekend, but seemed a bit overwhelmed with the idea of making them right then. *shrug*
I think I just need to chill out and realize some people aren't planners as much as I am, but it stresses me out. Obviously he wants to hang with me or he wouldn't bother with all this. I think it's partially that my own schedule has become so crazy that I want to make sure I have time for the people I reallllly want to see, including him.
Meanwhile, Vermont and a made tentative plans for Saturday but who knows if it will happen.
On the bright side, Ginger's hubby is coming over to look at my garbage disposal tonight :eyebrows:
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A legit plumbing porno in the making
I feel like everytime I read your (Jackie) posts I see so much of myself (not in terms of sex, but the way you feel and react to things). I am also more of a planner and start getting really anxious when I am trying to make plans and the other person is being lazy about it. If I don't make plans then I end up getting booked up and maybe miss something with someone. Usually my parents are at the bad end of this since they refuse to make any plans that aren't last minute and therefore I'm never available for dinner with them it seems. Everyone's different I guess, but when I try to make plans with a girl and I get that type of response (especially one where you don't have plans yet won't commit to something) I start to get really frustrated.
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As a non-planner (for the most part), I respectfully ask: there's no frustration the other way? I suppose it works for you when your number one choice locks in early, but at least for me, I rarely have "one thing" that is so overwhelmingly my favorite that every weekend is sort of a competition between "eh" choices. So for me, I feel like it rarely makes a difference. In fact, it often works the other way; I lock in on something, and at the last minute I get the call "Hey two tickets to the UConn game!" or "Hey, couple of us are meeting at so-and-so's, want to come over?" Uh, I'd love to but I locked in to raking leaves at my son-in-laws house... WAH-wah....
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How is it frustrating to not make plans? The world revolves around you? I'm selfish as fuck, but damn I won't deny plans for something fun if I don't have anything planned just to suit my "maybe something else is better" and let the person trying to make plans with me wait it out. Makes no sense to me. If someone says they got free tickets, you can always change your plans. If something better comes up, people are usually understanding.
If I have a few options, then that is reason to not commit, but if you have no plans, then you have no options so why not make plans?
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I am a planner, job hazard so to say. Some would say on the social end a BIG fault of mine.BUT..........my job usually f's my social planning up. It has ruined a lot of friends and my now ex wife. So be it.
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How is it frustrating to not make plans? The world revolves around you? I'm selfish as fuck, but damn I won't deny plans for something fun if I don't have anything planned just to suit my "maybe something else is better" and let the person trying to make plans with me wait it out. Makes no sense to me. If someone says they got free tickets, you can always change your plans. If something better comes up, people are usually understanding.
If I have a few options, then that is reason to not commit, but if you have no plans, then you have no options so why not make plans?
I'm sorry, boss, I'm not quite following. All I was saying is that, if I REALLY want to be with that person, it doesn't matter if I'm locked in on Monday or Tuesday or if it's spur of the moment. I just "manage" that in my head; "first I'm going on a date with BigTitties, and if that doesn't work, maybe I'll cut the grass, or paint the kitchen, or call my bud Socrates to see if he wants to grab a beer and watch the NASCAR race."
I'm not suggesting I'm right, or that you should do what I do; I get that all people are different. I'm just - honestly and in good faith - asking if you feel frustration the other way, that is, locking in to plans on Monday and then missing out on a better deal that comes about on Friday.
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Totally confused apparently on what you meant. But yes, that does definitely happen. And like you, I usually leave the options in my head for back up plans. If I commit to something I try to make sure I do it though even if something better does pop up, but sometimes that something better is too good and I'll cancel plans. It's not right, but like I said, people are often understanding. I think it's much more rare that I'm frustrated from plans I did make vs. the plans someone won't commit with me.
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I'm a planner as well, but I get that others like to leave their options open instead of feeling compelled to do the first thing asked of them, generally speaking (not necessarily referring to dating).
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So I'm a member of this Facebook group dating site, where people just put up posts about themselves and what they're looking for and other people can answer if it sounds interesting. I wrote together a post of my own and got an answer from a really cute girl. She's poly, which is probably just as well - although I've always been all for monogamy in the past, I feel like I right now don't really want that kind of relationship.
Anyway, after talking for a while, I suggested meeting up for a beer or something, which we will do sometime next week. It's been about 8 months since I went on a date or slept with someone. I'm sure I'm gonna be nervous as all hell. :lol
Is it a local group or can anyone join it?
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I'm glad to see I'm not alone on the planning thing. There are always lots of options, but when I am dating a new person or am just really into someone I want to try and prioritize that... so yeah, sometimes I will hold out on planning other stuff because so and so stI'll hasn't gotten back to me. I don't like to do it, but if I don't I end up maybe not able to see that person for a long time because I planned other stuff. I don't like backing out of stuff once it's scheduled. In a perfect world it would all be more spontaneous, but I feel like I don't get to do that as much anymore.
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I'm glad to see I'm not alone on the planning thing. There are always lots of options, but when I am dating a new person or am just really into someone I want to try and prioritize that... so yeah, sometimes I will hold out on planning other stuff because so and so stI'll hasn't gotten back to me. I don't like to do it, but if I don't I end up maybe not able to see that person for a long time because I planned other stuff. I don't like backing out of stuff once it's scheduled. In a perfect world it would all be more spontaneous, but I feel like I don't get to do that as much anymore.
I was going to reply to this, but I checked and I hadn't planned on it. Sorry.
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So I'm a member of this Facebook group dating site, where people just put up posts about themselves and what they're looking for and other people can answer if it sounds interesting. I wrote together a post of my own and got an answer from a really cute girl. She's poly, which is probably just as well - although I've always been all for monogamy in the past, I feel like I right now don't really want that kind of relationship.
Anyway, after talking for a while, I suggested meeting up for a beer or something, which we will do sometime next week. It's been about 8 months since I went on a date or slept with someone. I'm sure I'm gonna be nervous as all hell. :lol
Is it a local group or can anyone join it?
(https://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss272/kingshmegland/tumblr_mjmngiv9Qy1s5wdewo1_250_zpsriczgv3f.gif) (https://s583.photobucket.com/user/kingshmegland/media/tumblr_mjmngiv9Qy1s5wdewo1_250_zpsriczgv3f.gif.html)
:lol
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You can't just keep me all to yourself.
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I'm worried about the others out there.
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Others?
(https://cdn1.sciencefiction.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Game-of-Thrones-White-Walker-thumb.jpg)
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I'm worried about them too!
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Others?
(https://cdn1.sciencefiction.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Game-of-Thrones-White-Walker-thumb.jpg)
I DATED HER!
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:lol
My plumber date last night went well. After the actual work stuff, we just had a beer and some cheese and talked. It was nice because I haven't spent much time with him alone, so I feel like I got to know him a bit better.
Looks like I've scared the Russian away. Haven't heard from him since Monday night. Pretty bummed, since I thought things were going really well, but I'm not going to reach out anymore at this point. I already feel stupid about the whole thing :(
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Why do you feel stupid? Just because things don't work out for whatever is not a reason to feel stupid.
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Why do you feel stupid? Just because things don't work out for whatever is not a reason to feel stupid.
I'll take a stab at it, cuz I think we share some thought processes when it comes to this stuff. She felt things were going good, but when Ivan Drago won't respond, or is relatively absent as far as regular conversation and progressing a connection, she begins to wonder why he isn't feeling the same way. And if he doesn't feel the same way, it must be her. And even though all that is happening in her head, and maybe Ivan texts her later today setting up a date, it really makes it easy to feel dumb, or embarrassed, or depressed, and think about what she could have done differently.
I wrote SHE so many times, it's as if I've been given signed permission to speak on behalf of Jackie :lol. That's just me putting myself into the situation and how I MIGHT feel "dumb". The human brain is utterly fascinating lol.
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Basically. I'm feeling like I scared him off with something I said, and I feel stupid for putting myself out there so much.
Basically this was our convo Monday night:
J: my week is getting crazy but I'd really like to see you again soon! What is your weekend like?
R: oh god the weekend is so far away. I have no plans but may go climbing one day
J: I know! I'm sorry, I don't mean to put on any pressure, it's just that my schedule fills up so fast and it can be hard to see the people I really want to see (like you) so I have to plan ahead
R: I really want to see you soon too ;)
J: Fine! :p... well it looks like Friday is probably the best day for me because (all the shit I have going on Saturday)
J, 10 minutes later, feeling self conscious: *insert funny cat-related text here*
J, the next afternoon, feeling even more self-conscious about having not heard back: *insert funny dog pic here*
That was yesterday, and I haven't heard from him since the text Monday about wanting to see me. I feel like, even if he's extremely busy, there's no reason for that length of silence other than "fuck off" or "I am deceased."
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Pretty much but I'm not sure that's a reason to feel stupid here. Seems like you just made your intentions known and he wasn't interested. I kind of feel like it's better to put yourself out there and get rejected than hold back and end up not being genuine to yourself. Nothing stupid about it if you ask me.
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Jackie, you should not feel stupid for putting yourself out there, but it is very possible that a) he figured out that you are seeing other people based on you saying, "My schedule fills up fast, and/or b) he was turned off by the statement because at the beginning of dating, when you really like someone, you will go out of your way to see them, and he might have interpreted your statement like, "She doesn't like me that much, otherwise she wouldn't be resorting to the 'this is when I can fit you into my busy schedule' line, meaning he is someone who will make time for someone he really likes instead of having to find time to fit them into his schedule. Granted, we know your deal here, so I get where you are coming from, but it's very possible that that is what he is thinking. Make sense?
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Well he knows I'm seeing other people because neither of us is monogamous, so that shouldn't be an issue. But yeah, I was trying to present it in a way that showed I really wanted to see him so I wanted to make plans before shit totally filled up. I see what you're saying, but I don't think he would expect me to flake on plans with somebody else because he has finally decided he's ready to make them. *shrug*
He actually texted me tonight, finally. He said "Jesus h Christ is it Wednesday?" I said "Holy shit, he's alive" and then we talked briefly about what I was doing (vinyl night at this brewery). I asked how his night was going a bit over an hour ago and haven't heard back yet.
Fuckin' a. I've already started to detach a bit, convinced I wouldn't hear from him again. Of course I still like him but I'm really feeling kinda meh about the whole thing right now. I will let him initiate plans to hang out if he wants to, or else we won't hang out. Too much energy has been going into this.
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So I kind of developed a small crush on my TA of the past year (she's younger than me) so now that the year is over, I sent her a FB message to see if she'd like to go out sometime. Hasn't read it yet.
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Well he knows I'm seeing other people because neither of us is monogamous, so that shouldn't be an issue. But yeah, I was trying to present it in a way that showed I really wanted to see him so I wanted to make plans before shit totally filled up. I see what you're saying, but I don't think he would expect me to flake on plans with somebody else because he has finally decided he's ready to make them. *shrug*
He actually texted me tonight, finally. He said "Jesus h Christ is it Wednesday?" I said "Holy shit, he's alive" and then we talked briefly about what I was doing (vinyl night at this brewery). I asked how his night was going a bit over an hour ago and haven't heard back yet.
Fuckin' a. I've already started to detach a bit, convinced I wouldn't hear from him again. Of course I still like him but I'm really feeling kinda meh about the whole thing right now. I will let him initiate plans to hang out if he wants to, or else we won't hang out. Too much energy has been going into this.
Yea, sounds somewhat similar to the way I was feeling with Shoregirl. There's only so much I can take of not showing any effort before I am just ready to give up. I'm not very patient so I may react a lot faster than most, but you've got enough going on in your life and some other cool people you are seeing, why waste your efforts on someone who won't put back that same effort? I think you are doing the right thing, it's on him now and just leave it.
So I kind of developed a small crush on my TA of the past year (she's younger than me) so now that the year is over, I sent her a FB message to see if she'd like to go out sometime. Hasn't read it yet.
Hope she responds with positivity.
23yo is coming over again for dinner and game of thrones. Really excited to see her again. She actually is not a good texter, we hardly text at all, but when we do, it's always something positive and it's something that clearly shows interest. Doesn't ignore messages, just takes her time to respond I guess. I was actually worried she was going to cancel because we hardly talked since hanging out last Friday, but we chatted last night and are on the same page. It's just such a contrast from 23yo and shoregirl with the messaging. I'd say the amount of text chatting between both was about the same, but one actually showed like she was interested and one did not. It's not all about how many messages you send, but the context of those messages.
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Yeah, agreed. Hope it goes well with the youngn!
He eventually replied saying he was cooking and I just went to sleep, figured I would reply today.... if he's lucky :lol
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She said yes, so we're hanging out Saturday. Not sure if she thinks it's just as friends or not, but I guess we'll see. Either way, it's all good. Good company is good company.
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Adami, ask these other assholes what you asked me. Maybe they have man-insight.
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Adami, ask these other assholes what you asked me. Maybe they have man-insight.
Oh, right.
So guys....no means yes, right?
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So, while I still don't know if she sees this as just a friend thing or not, she is doing a very good job of unknowingly crushing my cynicism. As soon as I tell Jackie that (due to the time constraints) she probably won't want to eat, she proposes lunch. Right when I tell Jackie that telling me she's free at 1 probably means 2 or 3, she proposes we meet at 1. So, there you go, my cynicism has been defeated. Now I have nothing.
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Adami, ask these other assholes what you asked me. Maybe they have man-insight.
Oh, right.
So guys....no means yes, right?
It depends really. Some girls mean it literally. Others mean it playfully and want you to figure it out on your own.
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So, while I still don't know if she sees this as just a friend thing or not, she is doing a very good job of unknowingly crushing my cynicism. As soon as I tell Jackie that (due to the time constraints) she probably won't want to eat, she proposes lunch. Right when I tell Jackie that telling me she's free at 1 probably means 2 or 3, she proposes we meet at 1. So, there you go, my cynicism has been defeated. Now I have nothing.
You can't go into dating with such negative thoughts. It's totally understandable and normal to question where you stand with a girl at this point, but to outright think everything will not work without giving it a chance is destined to fail. Having said that, seems like she may be into you so enjoy the lunch tomorrow. Give her the hints so she knows you are interested in more than friends.
Date with 23yo went awesome last night. She is just a really happy person to be around. I'm a bit nervous about the date tonight honestly. This girl has been a blast to talk to, she is really cute, but she lives in the city and from my past experiences, the city thing just doesn't work for me long term. Granted she is totally worth meeting at this point, but if I really like her then I'm kind of stuck between the two girls. Either way, after tonight no more dates for a bit because it's vacation time for a week to the southwest.
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Adami, ask these other assholes what you asked me. Maybe they have man-insight.
Oh, right.
So guys....no means yes, right?
It depends really. Some girls mean it literally. Others mean it playfully and want you to figure it out on your own.
Good lord man, I was kidding.
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:lol
Cram, I totally hear your apprehension on the city thing, but you can make it work if there's a good connection. Glad the other date went well!
I also totally agree with your thoughts on Adami being too negative, but he knows that already :p
How do you guys establish that it's a date if you're not quite sure? Aside from the obvious- asking if it's a date, or going in for a kiss/grope.
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Not sure I've been in a situation where I wasn't sure. Since my break up, all my dates have been from online where it is pretty clear that you are seeking a date. If flat out bringing it up is too awkward, I would do certain things during the date itself. Sit close, lots of eye contact, if you get close enough (depends on your seating arrangement) maybe make a little playful contact that is subtle to not be odd, but noticeable enough to show attraction, and of course go for a kiss at the end if all goes well. Say afterwards, I enjoyed the date!
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How the hell don't you know if you're on a date? You talk about getting together and get together....it's a date.
You bump into someone (hoping both ways to bump) then it really wasn't a date you happened to see someone you liked somewhere.
I'd say the first meet up for a coffee with online dating can be more of a compatibility meet up and not a date unless you both hit it off.
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Adami, ask these other assholes what you asked me. Maybe they have man-insight.
Oh, right.
So guys....no means yes, right?
I don't mean to suck the fun out of the room, but I know for me, I worry about this FAR more than I worry about STDs, or pregnancy or any of that stuff. All that other stuff can be dealt with by science. When I was dating I was deathly afraid of that kind of thing, and I can unequivocally name at least three times I walked away from a good fucking out of paranoia that the next day - either out of regret, guilt or sobering up - that person would have second thoughts.
I'll play just about any game: S&M, dirty talk, I'd even consider water sports, but NO means NO. It can't be negotiable.
I'm also paranoid around my daughter's friends and my step-daughter and her friends.
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Adami, ask these other assholes what you asked me. Maybe they have man-insight.
Oh, right.
So guys....no means yes, right?
It depends really. Some girls mean it literally. Others mean it playfully and want you to figure it out on your own.
Good lord man, I was kidding.
You shouldn't be. I guess I've been with some women who were a bit more playful and didn't always want to make it easy.
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With regards to the yes/no thing. I feel like if a girl is saying no when she means yes at this age that she is too immature for me. I am also ridiculously cautious about going to far with a girl. Even 23yo last night, during our make out session I started very cautiously touching her. I stopped and asked if she was ok, she said yes. Then continued. It may be a bit of a stoppage in play, but I feel much better if I get a verbal agreement that she is ok.
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Even 23yo last night, during our make out session I started very cautiously touching her. I stopped and asked if she was ok, she said yes. Then continued. It may be a bit of a stoppage in play, but I feel much better if I get a verbal agreement that she is ok.
(https://i0.wp.com/www.nerdlingstale.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/PC-Bruh.jpg)
“I need affirmative consent. I need you to say ‘yes, you may take me upstairs and crush my pussy at this time.'”
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I am to old at this topic at 49. :|
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With regards to the yes/no thing. I feel like if a girl is saying no when she means yes at this age that she is too immature for me. I am also ridiculously cautious about going to far with a girl. Even 23yo last night, during our make out session I started very cautiously touching her. I stopped and asked if she was ok, she said yes. Then continued. It may be a bit of a stoppage in play, but I feel much better if I get a verbal agreement that she is ok.
In general, I think women appreciate this and it doesn't ruin the mood. However, sometimes I just need a dude to fucking take charge without asking questions (in the appropriate context) and if there is a problem I will say so. Russian did that and I really enjoyed it.
Speaking of him, he's so damn awkward :lol.. we have been talking again, sort of, but he's super busy with lab stuff this week. He wants to maybe hang tomorrow, which depends on whether Vermont flakes/what time he wants to meet up. If neither of them end up following through, I will be fucking thrilled to have no plans on a Saturday.
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My first date with Tennessee was really nice and a new experience for me. We met at a starbucks in midtown at 7 and walked the high line till sunset which was awesome, very scenic views of the city and yesterday's weather was perfect. About 20 minutes into the date we sat on a bench and she just started cuddling and gave me the look. So I kissed her and she just started making out.... a lot. With tons of people around. I was really surprised. We walked around a bit more and eventually got dinner and then I headed home, but throughout the rest of the night she just kept going at it with me pretty aggressively in public. I was somewhat uncomfortable with doing that in public, especially since I was sober because I could see a drunk me doing that :lol. She was really cute and a good kisser, I had a lot of fun so I'd see her again, but the whole PDA thing was a bit much for a first date, or any date really.
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In this thread, we find out that Dadler and Snob have issues with words.
Whoa.
Here's the rule: If you have to question whether she's "playing around", she's not fucking playing around.
:lol I (uhh partly) kid. But really, with people (not just women) these days and their fetishes, it's pretty rough out there for those of us that aren't into the hardcore shit. Also of note, "hardcore" back in the day (probably before I was into anything more than missionary) and "hardcore" today....fucking universes apart.
I would think that unless the guy is an actual rapist or is a brainless, slow motherfucker, you're going to know if she's having fun or not. I've never had the experience, but I'd assume that the "no" will be pretty damn clear. I've been with plenty of freaky chicks, a lot of the experiences posted in here or elsewhere on the forum, and I've never had any issues with "shit, did she wanted to spanked that hard?" or "maybe when she asked me to choke her, she meant just put my hand around her throat?". If I'm okay, I'm pretty sure most peeps here will be okay unless they were actually role playing, in which case refer back to the dumbfuckerry. Role playing is different because it involves the actual use of pretending with action AND words. Hence safe words. Or again, just knowing when the joking ends.
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I FINALLY did the thing with DTGirl. What a huge relief after my "issues". It's kinda odd how the whole night unfolded, but it ended with successful fucking. I was psyched to actually finish :lol, and she was psyched because she really enjoyed herself. No weirdness this time, just two thoroughly satisfied people.
Thanks OKC! :tup
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Congrats dude.
Had my date with my former TA today. She's really sweet. We mostly just walked around and talked for about 6 hours. No interest on my part though, she's just lacking....any passion. All in all, a day well spent, just not interested in much more. No complaints :).
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Like, seemingly lacking passion for you, or just in general?
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Like, seemingly lacking passion for you, or just in general?
Oh in general. I don't require passion for me on a first date haha. No hobbies really, no subjects she loved to discuss. Just kind of.....there. Like I said, super sweet and nice and really fun to talk to. But she just kind of felt like she was floating through everything. Nothing wrong with that, I just like some fire in my women.
......I like my women on fire.
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:metal :police:
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Like, seemingly lacking passion for you, or just in general?
Oh in general. I don't require passion for me on a first date haha. No hobbies really, no subjects she loved to discuss. Just kind of.....there. Like I said, super sweet and nice and really fun to talk to. But she just kind of felt like she was floating through everything. Nothing wrong with that, I just like some fire in my women.
......I like my women on fire.
Pyretta Blaze?
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Some people are just boring. Oh well, at least you had a nice time.
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Fire women :metal
Cram and Dan, glad things went well!! Woo for successful sex!
I'm also weird about the heavy PDA thing unless I'm drunk (in which case literally almost anything goes). A kiss here and there, some hand holding, fine. But I have no desire to make out in public. Maybe she's an exhibitionist!
Dinner party Friday night with Ginger and Husband went very, very well :eyebrows:
I saw the Russian last night and everything is more than fine. I think I just need to chill out with the texting stuff and not read too much into it. We had sushi, then watched a soccer game (he's from Seattle and their team was playing our team last night- funny thing was I ALMOST wore his team's colors not even knowing them, but ended up wearing a Rapids-colored Opeth shirt instead :lol). I met a couple of his friends that seemed cool. Then we went back to his place and watched It Follows, and what better movie to fuck after?
I literally had to drag myself out of his bed (he kept pulling me back in) to go home and feed the cats, plus I have a breakfast this morning close to home, so I figured it would be easier. Reallllly hard to leave though! We talked about maybe getting a beer Monday depending on his schedule but if not I won't see him for a whIle (rest of my week is full and he will be in Tahoe for the holiday weekend). *shrug*... I will survive. I feel a bit more secure about the whole thing for now.
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I just knew the Russian wasn't ignoring you. I've found that some people want to text more than others. I'm okay with it either way, but I totally get how a difference between two people can cause miscommunication. But it sounds like you're on the same page now, so you can kinda relax and enjoy things more now that your uncertainty is gone.
I really dig how things are going right now with DTGirl. I have no interest in something resembling a serious relationship, or a boyfriend/girlfriend label. But I haven't gotten that vibe at all. She's mentioned being exclusive if we're gonna have a sexual relationship, but she never mentioned any actual "relationship". She doesn't text me often, and doesn't require much out of me, which is nice. I think she just digs my company and wants some sexy fun times. I know in my head it will end at some point, because I know she's not "the one" for me, long-term. But, I'm also not thinking about it much because I don't feel any pressure from her for it to be more than it is.
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Nice Jackie and Sylvan! :metal
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I started talking to this girl Mavi a few days ago. We've been texting all day today. She's from the Philippines. Very sweet demeanor, sweet smile.
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Like, seemingly lacking passion for you, or just in general?
Oh in general. I don't require passion for me on a first date haha. No hobbies really, no subjects she loved to discuss. Just kind of.....there. Like I said, super sweet and nice and really fun to talk to. But she just kind of felt like she was floating through everything. Nothing wrong with that, I just like some fire in my women.
......I like my women on fire.
Pyretta Blaze?
Or Hank Williams, Jr.: "I like my whiskey on ice and my women... on fire". GREAT song.
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I like my women like I like my coffee... in a styrofoam cup.
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I like my women like I like my coffee....ground up and in the freezer.
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I'll assume Jackie approved.
(https://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss272/kingshmegland/1342482608809_6976582_zpsir5av3bc.png) (https://s583.photobucket.com/user/kingshmegland/media/1342482608809_6976582_zpsir5av3bc.png.html)
(https://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss272/kingshmegland/FB_IMG_1443741755466_zps5esxpafd.jpg) (https://s583.photobucket.com/user/kingshmegland/media/FB_IMG_1443741755466_zps5esxpafd.jpg.html)
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:lol
So Russian couldn't hang tonight due to working late, which means I probably won't see him til after his trip, and that's fine. I want to invite him to an event next week but feel a bit apprehensive because he's not as much of a planner.
I had a nice date with the other ladyfriend last night (I don't think she ever got a nickname, but let's call her Knuckles :eyebrows:). Just mellow and good conversation since I had the sniffles and wasn't sure if I was sick or not (probably just allergies at this point since I feel fine). I'm hoping to see her again Sunday.
Tomorrow I have a date with the guy friend who I have only had one real date with and am not that into, but we are gonna watch Six Feet Under :D
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There's one person I have been speaking to for a couple of months now. We met through one of the Left Hand Path groups on Facebook and just started talking about those things we have in common. It really just seemed to be on a friendly basis since we live far away. However, we both have recently brought up the fact that our feelings for each other go deeper than that. She's afraid to let it get too far right now because she is just coming out of a horrible marriage. She's living in a home, with her son, for women who were beaten by their exes. She is going through the process of changing her identity so right now she is under protection of the state. We both know there is something more than friendship there and she hasn't objected to possibly moving to me if that's where the road leads but it's all balanced delicately on a razor's edge. She knows I can't leave here because of my daughter so she knows it would be up to her to make that move. Her parents fell in love that way. He wound up moving from Canada to be with the woman he loved, so she believes in love transcending everything and she loves how touching their love is for each other. Last night she told me she wanted to speak on the phone because she wants to hear my voice so I think later on we'll finally talk.
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I feel like moving for someone you've never met before is a bit crazy. Should skype or something after you get used to talking over the phone.
Hung out with 23yo last night, nothing crazy, but she is really nice and while we don't text a whole lot, when we see each other we talk very easily. Kind of just threw the idea of coming over out there thinking she'd say no since it was kind of random (we had previously agreed we'd see each other after my vacation) but she came over later in the evening and chilled for a couple hours.
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Her parents fell in love that way. He wound up moving from Canada to be with the woman he loved, so she believes in love transcending everything and she loves how touching their love is for each other.
Just curious, do you know the story behind that? Like how does someone in another country meet a stranger hundred/thousands miles away, communicate enough to fall in love and eventually move their entire life for them, all without the power of the internet? I mean, I'm sure it happened plenty back in the day, but as a 27 year who has seen the internet evolve and how it can be used to establish relationships, it kind of blows my mind.
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That's cute and everything, but sounds like that woman does not need another relationship right now. Just sayin'...
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That's cute and everything, but sounds like that woman does not need another relationship right now. Just sayin'...
Probably not my place, but I agree 100%. That's a woman that should be taking one step at a time and making sure each step is firm and from a good place. Maybe if she already moved to you and wanted to meet people, that's another thing, but this seems like a lot all at once.
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Exactly. It's easy to want to just escape into a new relationship and new location when you've been through something like that, but the fact is she's been traumatized and her life is a hot mess and she owes it to herself and her kid to not let a relationship with some dude on the Internet (no offense) dictate the direction of their lives.
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I feel like moving for someone you've never met before is a bit crazy. Should skype or something after you get used to talking over the phone.
Nobody is moving anywhere right now. We haven't spoken on the phone yet. Though, I did bring up the idea of going out there for a weekend to see how well it went actually being together and she loved it.
That's cute and everything, but sounds like that woman does not need another relationship right now. Just sayin'...
Probably not my place, but I agree 100%. That's a woman that should be taking one step at a time and making sure each step is firm and from a good place. Maybe if she already moved to you and wanted to meet people, that's another thing, but this seems like a lot all at once.
Exactly. It's easy to want to just escape into a new relationship and new location when you've been through something like that, but the fact is she's been traumatized and her life is a hot mess and she owes it to herself and her kid to not let a relationship with some dude on the Internet (no offense) dictate the direction of their lives.
I know, which is why I said this: "She's afraid to let it get too far right now because she is just coming out of a horrible marriage." I don't expect her to just forget what she went through and she knows I'm completely understanding of that. Nobody, especially her, is being pushed to do anything. This has been a completely natural discovery of feelings for her. She even tried to fight it because she knows she's in a difficult place right now and thought it would be better if she stayed away, so we didn't talk for about two weeks. She messaged me saying she missed talking to me, so we started talking again.
Just curious, do you know the story behind that? Like how does someone in another country meet a stranger hundred/thousands miles away, communicate enough to fall in love and eventually move their entire life for them, all without the power of the internet? I mean, I'm sure it happened plenty back in the day, but as a 27 year who has seen the internet evolve and how it can be used to establish relationships, it kind of blows my mind.
When I say her parents, I mean her mother and stepfather. She never met her real father and considers her stepfather her real father since he helped to raise her, so the Internet was around at the time.
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I had a nice date with the other ladyfriend last night (I don't think she ever got a nickname, but let's call her Knuckles :eyebrows:).
Does that make you Sonic?
(https://retrocdn.net/images/d/dd/Sonic_%26_Knuckles_title.png)
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Ohh yeah :eyebrows:
I always wanted to be Tails, though...
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If he has two tails, does that also mean he has two...
Anyway! My date is finally coming up this saturday. We've been really hitting it off on Facebook messenger but I'm still really nervous. I haven't been on a date for several years! :mehlin
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If he has two tails, does that also mean he has two...
Anyway! My date is finally coming up this saturday. We've been really hitting it off on Facebook messenger but I'm still really nervous. I haven't been on a date for several years! :mehlin
Nice, just be yourself! You got it.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... or not. I can't believe the experience I had last night since this type of thing just doesn't happen to me. I am very much putting this as a result of my last two months of hard work on getting back in shape (I need a new belt to hold my pants up). I was walking down the strip, pretty drunk, from the David Copperfield show. Was going to head back to my hotel room to get a drink before heading back out. I was standing on an escalator and this cute girl just kind of bumps into me in an attempt to sort of cut me off on the escalator. She gave me the look, a drunken look of interest :lol. Literally five minutes later we are making out and holding hands walking down the strip. She was obsessed with me. I've never had a random person so interested in me. She came back to my hotel room and we had some fun. This was probably the best looking girl I've been with since college and she was 22. Anyway, it was kind of upsetting when I walked her back to her hotel knowing I'd never see her again, she lives in Utah and was from Michigan. I got her instagram as a reminder, but I literally couldn't believe how that happened. Like I said, things like that just don't happen to me. I hope something similar happens again tonight :yarr Viva Las Vegas!
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And that, my friends, is what makes America great.
(Though I have to ask, do you still have your wallet?)
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And that, my friends, is what makes America great.
(Though I have to ask, do you still have your wallet?)
:lol yup, actually she saved me from gambling. Didn't spend a single dollar last night. She actually offered to buy me a drink, but we didnt need drinks. I was initially thinking she was going after my money, but wasn't the case.
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Wooooo! That's awesome!
Russian is hella busy with school stuff and I haven't been getting much from him, but I get it. I invited him to an event with me next week but he basically said probably not because it's a short week (and he will be busier), so I guess I won't see him til I get back from my road trip in like 1.5-2 weeks, which kinda blows! :(
Hung with Ginger and hubby last night, and going over there for dinner tonight, which should be fun. I like them both a lot and it feels very natural at this point.
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If he has two tails, does that also mean he has two...
Anyway! My date is finally coming up this saturday. We've been really hitting it off on Facebook messenger but I'm still really nervous. I haven't been on a date for several years! :mehlin
Nice, just be yourself! You got it.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... or not. I can't believe the experience I had last night since this type of thing just doesn't happen to me. I am very much putting this as a result of my last two months of hard work on getting back in shape (I need a new belt to hold my pants up). I was walking down the strip, pretty drunk, from the David Copperfield show. Was going to head back to my hotel room to get a drink before heading back out. I was standing on an escalator and this cute girl just kind of bumps into me in an attempt to sort of cut me off on the escalator. She gave me the look, a drunken look of interest :lol. Literally five minutes later we are making out and holding hands walking down the strip. She was obsessed with me. I've never had a random person so interested in me. She came back to my hotel room and we had some fun. This was probably the best looking girl I've been with since college and she was 22. Anyway, it was kind of upsetting when I walked her back to her hotel knowing I'd never see her again, she lives in Utah and was from Michigan. I got her instagram as a reminder, but I literally couldn't believe how that happened. Like I said, things like that just don't happen to me. I hope something similar happens again tonight :yarr Viva Las Vegas!
Well isn't that a whole lot of awesomeness. :metal
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So my date yesterday went super awesome. :metal She's quite soft spoken but very eloquent and intelligent.
We met up at a bar that I suggested. It's usually a somewhat quiet and cozy place but for some reason they decided to have some soccer match on the TV screens. Neither of us are sport interested AT ALL and when some fan yelled "FUCKING CUNT!!!" at the screen, we decided to find another bar. :lol We ended up at a pool bar, with a bit more rock music and a band that played. And this is where we ended up making out. :yarr
So my first date in about three years went very well, I would say! :metal
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That sounds great. What's the plan for the next date? Has it been discussed yet?
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That sounds great. What's the plan for the next date? Has it been discussed yet?
Not yet, but I'm planning to suggest something to her tonight, like a movie or something. :)
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Sounds good. Figure out what you think she would like to see.
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So my date yesterday went super awesome. :metal She's quite soft spoken but very eloquent and intelligent.
We met up at a bar that I suggested. It's usually a somewhat quiet and cozy place but for some reason they decided to have some soccer match on the TV screens. Neither of us are sport interested AT ALL and when some fan yelled "FUCKING CUNT!!!" at the screen, we decided to find another bar. :lol We ended up at a pool bar, with a bit more rock music and a band that played. And this is where we ended up making out. :yarr
So my first date in about three years went very well, I would say! :metal
:metal :metal :metal :metal
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Woooo! Go you!!
I spent Friday night in Fort Collins with a friend I haven't seen in a while who is totally gorgeous and amazing (and also her boyfriend), and... that went well :hat
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Headed to NYC after work for my second date with Tennessee. We've still been texting everyday and looking forward to seeing her again. I think we are getting margaritas and then some dinner. The weather is crap here today though which is a real downer. I just hope the PDA is a little less this time, but I'm not sure that's going to be the case if we are boozing this time around. Just sucks her living situation means she is very unlikely to invite me over afterwards.
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PDA makes me kinda uncomfortable too, but I guess there's worse things. It really more so bothers me in a group setting. It bothers me when other people are being selfish and only thinking of themselves when they get all touchy feely when with friends. I don't wanna be that guy either.
I had a date with a polyamorous woman last night. I was intrigued by her, and someone encouraged me to give it a shot ;). She was much younger, and we have some common interests. But literally on my way there, I started thinking to myself, "What am I doing? What do I hope to accomplish with this?" It was fun and all, but she's not my type.
It got me thinking about things. I've been dating someone for a couple months now, and while I KNOW I don't want a long term future with her, she's totally awesome and I like spending time with her. Most importantly, I respect her. And I respect myself and the person I want to be. And that's why I wonder about what I should do to be respectful. I need to be able to explore other options, at least innocent first dates, to best serve my future happiness. She should still be open to the same, and it seems like it would help her to know that. I've had certain feelings before, and I kinda use them as a gauge. I just don't have those intangible feelings, and that's along with the logical reasons we're not good together long term. I told her I like what we've got going, and I'm not really looking for something serious with where I'm at in my life, and things really are in line with that right now. I'm not feeling a push from her for more. But I can see that she likes me, and I don't want that to get to the point where she develops certain feelings and will be hurt when I don't want more. I just feel like the longer we see each other, the closer we get to an inevitable discussion about "Where is this going?"
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I had a date with a polyamorous woman last night. I was intrigued by her, and someone encouraged me to give it a shot ;). She was much younger, and we have some common interests. But literally on my way there, I started thinking to myself, "What am I doing? What do I hope to accomplish with this?" It was fun and all, but she's not my type.
You were hoping to get laid. It happens.
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You were hoping to get laid. It happens.
Mostly right, but I was thinking more long term. It just caused a random introspection that threw me off. Let's just say it wasn't worth giving up what I've currently got... whatever that is.
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I ask myself that question a lot and it's good for some introspective on yourself. You should go on that date and see what's out there. If you aren't committed to that other girl, then you've done nothing wrong and what you have shouldn't be at risk.
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Exactly. You're not giving up anything by going on a date with somebody else if you two aren't exclusive. But communication about what's going on always helps.
I almost molested two young men last night on my mini vacation. May try again tonight :caffeine:
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After another drought, I've managed to gather a few prospects again.
Angela - someone I've fucked in the past. It was purely friends with benefits at the time. We almost turned it into a serious relationship but both got dragged in different directions at the same time. She's an animal in bed and was exceedingly open to threesomes back in the day. Now, she is just getting out of a bad marriage, but we've been talking about getting together so we'll see what happens.
Ana - The girl from Cali. We're still talking on a daily basis and once she's transferred to a different home, I'm going out there to meet her.
Jodi - A 48 year old woman I just started talking to on OKCupid. She doesn't like playing the waiting game so she's already interested in meeting for coffee. She's definitely an enigma and a curious mind and that's such an attractive quality.
Alisa - Someone else I started talking to on OKCupid. It winds up she is cousins with one of my brother's close friends. She knows my brother from playing softball together, so I suppose the familiarity helps to ease some of the anxiety of meeting someone new.
Helen - Someone else from my past. I always had a thing for her but she was always dating some asshole who was mistreating her. Russian with killer eyes. She wants to get together so maybe 15 years later I'll finally be able to kiss her. We're taking it slow, though. Her fiancé died 3 years ago and she hasn't dated since then. Her first day on OKCupid I saw her so we'll see how it goes.
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Lots of options, some with history though. Hopefully something works out.
My date Friday night got cancelled, she claimed she threw up on the street in NYC about two hours before we were supposed to meet. I'm calling BS, she was scheduled to move to a new apartment early Saturday and I think she just made up an excuse so that she could rest. Either way, she immediately rescheduled for Monday, but I pushed back until Thursday because today I have a date wtih 23yo tonight. Honestly not sure what's up with her (23yo), her texting has always been poor, but it's gotten even worse. I'm curious as to whether she will cancel tonight.
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So I was going to have the second date with the girl I date about a week ago this evening. However, I still have a cold so I had to message her to cancel it. And was pleasantly surprised by how sad she was. She suggested Thursday, under the presumption that I'm better by then off course.
I'm really excited actually. :) This time, we're going to catch a movie at my place.
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Lots of options, some with history though. Hopefully something works out.
My date Friday night got cancelled, she claimed she threw up on the street in NYC about two hours before we were supposed to meet. I'm calling BS, she was scheduled to move to a new apartment early Saturday and I think she just made up an excuse so that she could rest. Either way, she immediately rescheduled for Monday, but I pushed back until Thursday because today I have a date wtih 23yo tonight. Honestly not sure what's up with her (23yo), her texting has always been poor, but it's gotten even worse. I'm curious as to whether she will cancel tonight.
If her excuse was that she got sick on the street, either she's a really poor liar or she's being truthful about it. Nobody would be that specific unless it actually happened, but then again, some people are, like I said, really bad liars.
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This is 2016... she couldn't take a picture of her puke and send it to you?
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This is 2016... she couldn't take a picture of her puke and send it to you?
It could have been someone else's puke. She would have to send a matching analysis of her blood and the puke.
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(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b8/c4/be/b8c4be2939e0ebf298aef3b89763caa0.jpg)
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:lol :lol
Sometimes it's one of those things that's better left unsolved.
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:rollin
The first thought was not "pic or did not happen" This girl comes off as very honest so I want to believe her, just circumstances of the situation make me think otherwise. Either way, it was probably the best date cancellation considering how quickly she rescheduled and the fact that it didn't ruin my friday night one bit.
Watched the Red Wedding of Game of Thrones last night with 23yo which was great. I honestly don't understand how her communication is so poor through phone yet so great in person. Like two totally different people. Regardless, I am starting to feel like our connection to each other revolves mostly around game of thrones watching and not much else. I'm starting to see this coming to an end at some point, but I enjoy her company so I'm not looking to end it, just starting to see no light at the end of the tunnel.
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I feel the same way about the Russian with his communication. Mostly cold/non-existent from a distance, great in person. But I also feel like it's gotten worse. I feel like we have lost a lot of momentum and I'm not really sure where things are at. I think we are finally hanging out Thursday after almost three weeks (since we both left town) so I guess we'll see. I am thinking about asking him about the texting thing and whether he prefers some other method of communication, if I'm being annoying, etc. I dunno. I've been feeling a bit insecure lately, and so fucking tired of that.
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Well what other form of communication is there that is easier/more convenient than texting?
At the end of the day, if we aren't on the same communication wavelength then things just won't work out long term since that's such a huge part of any lasting relationship.
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Yeah... and I dunno, maybe he likes to email? A friend of mine suggested that. It sounds like the same shit to me, but my friend said he prefers email to texting. Or telepathy, maybe.
This dude has been so slow/inconsistent it's maddening! I often won't hear back until the next day, or at least many hours later. We still haven't actually solidified these plans for Thursday. I'm trying to map out my weekend (it's my birfday!) but I want to see him so I don't wanna totally book myself.
I feel like if I don't say something it's going to eat away at me, but I don't want to over-dramatize it. Maybe I can casually bring it up over dinner. *shrug*
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What it comes down to is, some people like to text a lot and some people do not, and it sounds like he is in the latter category; I doubt talking to him about it will change anything. :(
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No, and it's not like I want constant communication, but a bit more of it would be nice. Like, I get that not everybody spends a lot of time on the phone but is it so hard to answer a question about hanging out within a day??
I don't expect him to change his style/habits if I whine about it, so I don't think that would serve any purpose... BUT maybe if he sees that snoozing means he misses out on hanging with me, he will be a bit more responsive. I need to stop waiting around to hear from him, even though I really want to see him.
I honestly have no idea if tomorrow is happening. This was our convo, basically:
Monday-
J: What is your week like? I'd love to have you in mine ;)
R: I'm climbing tonight, tomorrow and Thursday. How about late Wednesday?
J: how late? I am free after work but do have to get up early Thurs. I'm also free Friday.
26 hours later/Tuesday-
R: Maybe Thursday would be better then
J: I am going to a beer tasting fundraiser Thursday. You could join us if you want, or I could maybe meet up afterwards but not sure when it ends. It's at 6.
R: I could come later because I'm busy til 730 or 8
J: I just found out it ends at 8, so we could hang out afterwards!
.....
Today-
J- (sends funny cat pic)
And nothing. So he never confirmed. I have no idea but I'm running out of fucks.
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My fucks would be gone if that's how my attempts to hang out went. Either show interest or not, the wavering around leans to no interest from my view. I don't like playing games like that.
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Yeah.... That'd be the last time I ever spoke to that guy.
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Blegh.
I don't think I've given up completely (because it's not like this is a complete 180 in communication style or anything) but I'm done waiting around for him, that's for sure. I will basically be passing his apartment on my way home from the fundraiser tonight, so if I hear back from him and he wants to hang, sure. If I don't, then I will take that as my hint.
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So I have my second date with the girl I met before tonight. :hat We're going to watch a movie at my place. I have talked at length (probably too much :lol ) about The Room so I'm going to introduce to the glory that is Tommy Wiseau. :hat
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So I have my second date with the girl I met before tonight. :hat We're going to watch a movie at my place. I have talked at length (probably too much :lol ) about The Room so I'm going to introduce to the glory that is Tommy Wiseau. :hat
She is coming to your place... so Im guessing "the room" is actually your bedroom and "the glory that is Tommy Wiseau" is actually your junk :biggrin: sounds like a fun time!
Jackie, that's what you should just be doing since you got a lot of other options. You put it out there and if he doesn't respond, don't hold your life back for him.
I'm pretty excited to grab margaritas in the city later with Tennessee, assuming she does not puke on the street this afternoon.
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:lol, let's hope not!
And yeah, it's not like I'm low on options. I was just really diggin' our chemistry.
She is coming to your place... so Im guessing "the room" is actually your bedroom and "the glory that is Tommy Wiseau" is actually your junk :biggrin: sounds like a fun time!
:rollin, please let this be true.
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A little update from a few pages ago.
I have been seeing this woman for almost six months now (a little backstory, she is the ex of a former bandmate/friend of mine... needless to say the bandmate deleted me from all social media). Things are alright, but I feel at times that we are way too similar. Having commonalities is a good thing but it seems that she likes all the things I like. Am I being paranoid? I'm trying not to run away from what could be a good thing.
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Yes you are :lol... I mean sure, you don't want to be dating yourself but if the commonalities aren't causing problems then who cares? Or are you worried she's just saying she likes the things because you do?
Sooo I did end up hanging out with the Russian tonight, and it was really nice, but brief. He has been really really busy. He gave me a bit more of a picture of what his days at work look like, which actually explains a good chunk of his lack of responsiveness. Anyway, we just had dinner and then he had to get to bed early, but he wants to hang again tomorrow. I'm on the fence because I have to get up hella early on Saturday, but I do want to see him again... and it's nice that he is initiating hanging out. Sooo we shall see. He is also planning on coming to my birthday party Sunday but I'd like some "alone" time too (he wants to go skating at the gay bar :lol), especially since I'm leaving town again soon.
I also had a really nice time with Ginger and Hubby at that fundraiser before dinner. We got to watch an epic storm/sunset. I have lipstick all over my ass...
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So I have my second date with the girl I met before tonight. :hat We're going to watch a movie at my place. I have talked at length (probably too much :lol ) about The Room so I'm going to introduce to the glory that is Tommy Wiseau. :hat
She is coming to your place... so Im guessing "the room" is actually your bedroom and "the glory that is Tommy Wiseau" is actually your junk :biggrin: sounds like a fun time!
:lol Actually, not too far from the truth. :hat It was a fun time! I never knew The Room and Braindead could work as foreplay. The more you know...
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I have lipstick all over my ass...
:lol
Cool things worked out!
So I have my second date with the girl I met before tonight. :hat We're going to watch a movie at my place. I have talked at length (probably too much :lol ) about The Room so I'm going to introduce to the glory that is Tommy Wiseau. :hat
She is coming to your place... so Im guessing "the room" is actually your bedroom and "the glory that is Tommy Wiseau" is actually your junk :biggrin: sounds like a fun time!
:lol Actually, not too far from the truth. :hat It was a fun time! I never knew The Room and Braindead could work as foreplay. The more you know...
:metal :metal :metal :metal :metal
My date last night went well, once again a bit too much PDA for my liking. I tried pulling away multiple times and she would pull me back in. I honestly don't get it considering she told me she never even had a bf before and just kissing guys isn't something she does often since her parents were so strict on her growing up, her parents are hardcore christians from the south (Tennessee). Anyway, we did make it to a park bench away from people which was much more comfortable after having some margaritas. If only the bench was a bedroom since it seems like she wanted it which just felt very odd to me. Anyway we went to the meatball shop after and then I needed to get home since it was late. I still think this girl is ridiculously cute and genuine (we even talked about her cancellation and I believe her after talking about it) and she seems very much interested in me. I think that's my biggest concern at the moment, she may like me a lot more than I like her. We will see, only the second date and I am very much interested in another, I just hope to get her out of the city and into my backyard.
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I have lipstick all over my ass...
(https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/jphajd9glmzpdgg1e9f1.jpg)
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Blegh.
I don't think I've given up completely (because it's not like this is a complete 180 in communication style or anything) but I'm done waiting around for him, that's for sure. I will basically be passing his apartment on my way home from the fundraiser tonight, so if I hear back from him and he wants to hang, sure. If I don't, then I will take that as my hint.
I don't know. I'm old, I call it "Twatter" and I yell at kids to get off my lawn, but there's "dating protocol" and then there's just plain courtesy.
If you were face to face, and you asked some "Hey, want to hang out tomorrow?" and they just turned and walked away, only to come back in six hours, and say "Uh, not sure, what day?" And you respond immediately with "Thursday!" and they just turned and walked away, that'd just be plain rude. It's not like he wasn't on his phone for the rest of the conversation.
As always, it's your call what you're willing to accept (and it doesn't make you a lesser person to accept that, by the way) but for me, that Russian would be in the "chicks I used to bang" category.
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I have lipstick all over my ass...
:lol
Cool things worked out!
So I have my second date with the girl I met before tonight. :hat We're going to watch a movie at my place. I have talked at length (probably too much :lol ) about The Room so I'm going to introduce to the glory that is Tommy Wiseau. :hat
She is coming to your place... so Im guessing "the room" is actually your bedroom and "the glory that is Tommy Wiseau" is actually your junk :biggrin: sounds like a fun time!
:lol Actually, not too far from the truth. :hat It was a fun time! I never knew The Room and Braindead could work as foreplay. The more you know...
:metal :metal :metal :metal :metal
My date last night went well, once again a bit too much PDA for my liking. I tried pulling away multiple times and she would pull me back in. I honestly don't get it considering she told me she never even had a bf before and just kissing guys isn't something she does often since her parents were so strict on her growing up, her parents are hardcore christians from the south (Tennessee). Anyway, we did make it to a park bench away from people which was much more comfortable after having some margaritas. If only the bench was a bedroom since it seems like she wanted it which just felt very odd to me. Anyway we went to the meatball shop after and then I needed to get home since it was late. I still think this girl is ridiculously cute and genuine (we even talked about her cancellation and I believe her after talking about it) and she seems very much interested in me. I think that's my biggest concern at the moment, she may like me a lot more than I like her. We will see, only the second date and I am very much interested in another, I just hope to get her out of the city and into my backyard.
I mean this in the nicest, most lovingest way a grown straight man who's not at all interested in a sword fight can to another grown straight man, but...
You think WAYYYYYY too much.
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of course I do, I can't turn my mind off
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Yes you are :lol... I mean sure, you don't want to be dating yourself but if the commonalities aren't causing problems then who cares? Or are you worried she's just saying she likes the things because you do?
I'm worried that she only likes things because I do. It kind of keels like she wants things to move faster than I'm comfortable with :-\ I feel like an ass though, since she's been having some medical issues, and they keep piling up.
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Gotcha. I would say don't overthink it for now and just enjoy it! But that's easier said than done, I know all too well.
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Overthinking my friend. Enjoy the momentspeed. Stop overanalyzing.
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I saw the Russian again last night. We spent a long time just sitting and talking at this brewery, which was really nice. Then we walked back to his place and watched a bit of Robocop, and he fell asleep, which was cute. I should have gone home way sooner because I had to get up mad early this morning and I've only gotten like four hours of sleep, but it was worth it :D
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:metal
Went to a local state park yesterday afternoon and did a hike with 23yo and her dog. It was fun and different for our dates so it was nice. She came back here for a bit and let her dog play in my yard since my house is ridiculously hot due to broken AC. I'm trying to make plans with anyone today that will get me out of the house :lol
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Dude, hikes are fucking awesome. I prefer to RUN trails, but it's nice sometimes to just cruise and smoke a J with nature. I did a "first date" hike once with another trail runner and it was really fun. God damn... that just makes me think about how awesome some things in life are! :hat
So, I kinda "broke up" with DTGirl. It was fun while it lasted, but the inevitable talk came. She wanted to have more definition to our relationship moving forward. I told her that I still don't wanna be in a committed relationship, and I wanna be able to be open to my future happiness, cuz I don't know what that is yet. I told her how much I like her, and am progressively liking her more as we spend more time together. Shit, I sent her a pic from the movie Brink that said "Whatever brah, let's blade!" Her response was, "Is that Brink? :lol I'm dying. I'm dead." Who the fuck knows Brink? I obviously dig her personality, and the sex is great. She tells me all these things that she likes about me. I just dont have those intangible feelings. That ineffable feeling of having to have someone. The sort of precursor to love. I don't know if my perspective will change, and the both of us are open to that possiblity, but we're both gonna see other people and continue to talk and be friends. I hope it can work out that were friends. I'd be totally okay with that at the least.
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HEY GAIZ! GAIZ!
GAIZ!
WE'RE ON PAGE 69. :hat
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:lol, noticed that last night but was too tired to comment.
Dan, that's interesting. Sounds like you don't have to stop seeing each other, if she'd be more open to something less defined. Whatever happens, I hope it works out!
I had an awesome birthday party yesterday, and at one point towards the tail end when the crowd had thinned out a bit, I realized that 3/4 of the people in the room had seen me naked :lol... I buzzedly announced this in the middle of a card game, and there was much rejoicing.
So Vermont and Russian were both supposed to come to the party. Vermont ended up apparently mixing up his weeks and thinking it was next week, so he didn't come. Russian basically totally flaked- he texted me saying he was driving back from his hike "like a zombie," which I presumed meant he was tired but he didn't say he wasn't coming, then I never heard from him again :\
But yknow what? Ginger and her hubby were there, and so were Knuckles and the Dandy (a guy I see occasionally and have never brought up on here because we have a very uncomplicated relationship :p)... and I realized I have so many awesome people in my life, why should I stress about the flakes? Sure it peeves me, but it's not worth losing sleep over. Fact is I am pretty damn lucky.
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Happy birthday! And would it have been odd for all of your partners to have been at the same place? I'm just curious.
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:lol, noticed that last night but was too tired to comment.
Dan, that's interesting. Sounds like you don't have to stop seeing each other, if she'd be more open to something less defined. Whatever happens, I hope it works out!
I had an awesome birthday party yesterday, and at one point towards the tail end when the crowd had thinned out a bit, I realized that 3/4 of the people in the room had seen me naked :lol... I buzzedly announced this in the middle of a card game, and there was much rejoicing.
So Vermont and Russian were both supposed to come to the party. Vermont ended up apparently mixing up his weeks and thinking it was next week, so he didn't come. Russian basically totally flaked- he texted me saying he was driving back from his hike "like a zombie," which I presumed meant he was tired but he didn't say he wasn't coming, then I never heard from him again :\
But yknow what? Ginger and her hubby were there, and so were Knuckles and the Dandy (a guy I see occasionally and have never brought up on here because we have a very uncomplicated relationship :p)... and I realized I have so many awesome people in my life, why should I stress about the flakes? Sure it peeves me, but it's not worth losing sleep over. Fact is I am pretty damn lucky.
Is it weird that I was expecting/hoping for that post to turn into a giant orgy story?
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I say this with the utmost of awe and respect (and an acknowledgement that perhaps I'm not as mature as I would hope) but...
I don't have the constitution to be in the same room with at least four (as I count) of my past partners, with at least another two who could have been but weren't. I get hives when my wife is in the same room as my ex.
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:lol, understandable. I'm on good terms with most of my exes, but only one person in that room was an ex (the rest were people I'm currently involved with to varying degrees)... there are times when those things can be awkward, but not with this particular crowd. And yeah, it easily could have turned into a giant orgy with these folks :lol
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I just threw up in my mouth a little at the thought of me, my wife and my ex-wife in a room that turns into an orgy.
I need to go wash. ;)
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I just threw up in my mouth a little at the thought of me, my wife and my ex-wife in a room that turns into an orgy.
I need to go wash. ;)
I remember when my ex fiance told me that she went down on my ex girlfriend. (this was all after we broke up, so no cheating involved) It was not a fun feeling.
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:rollin
If I found that out about my ex I'd also throw up at the thought that she was never even close to being that sexually interesting when we were together.
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I dated a girl (call her A) I worked with for about a year. The relationship really wasn't that good and we both knew it wasn't going to last. Anyway, prior to A, I had a thing for this other girl (call her J). We never did anything, but she was aware of my feelings. Literally about 2 hours after I broke up with A, I got an unexpected blowjob from J in the basement at work. The day after that, I see a picture come across my FB feed of the two of them at the beach together. They never hung out before and weren't really friends, as far as I knew. Anyway, I felt like I threw up and drank it back down several times over.
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You guys are fucking nuts. :lol
I get maybe being a bit uncomfortable or weirded out/surprised but the term 'throwing up in my mouth' wouldn't have been one I'd expect to see so often on such a topic.
Although I haven't had any kind of interaction like that between my ex's, I can only imagine it being either just a "oh, cool" type of deal or a turn on. Closest I've come is having a threesome with a girl I was dating and also working with (fucking dipshit idea) and another girl whom I had been fuck buddies with for a very long time (and still am, I actually just exited her vagina about thirty minutes ago YAAAAAY). Fuck buddy says to me and the chick I'm dating "Let's have a threesome!", girlfriend looks at me like she wants to rip my balls off and shove them down my throat. Two days later fuck buddy is sitting on my face while the girlfriend rides me. It was a grand old time. There was however a bit of jealousy from the girlfriend afterwards because she says I ate out the fuck buddy too much. WHAT? It's a threesome. I'm going to be doing SOMETHING to her. Fucking threesome are shit unless everyone involved knows exactly what will happen and no one is dating each other (OR, and this is the biggest fucking "or" on the planet: the people dating are actually truly okay with fooling around with others, which is about as rare as a god damn unicorn).
If my exes weren't vile, insane, soul sucking cunts, I'd love it if some nastiness went down between them or I found out I was with them at different points without knowing that they knew each other. That's some good spank bank shit right there, tell yoo whut. Well, the former is, the latter isn't even weird/gross to me, it's just kind of funny. I dunno. You guys are too vanilla for me. Jackie is the only one who understands the true beauty of a pansexual frenzy. :heart :millahhhh
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Truth :yarr
I think being involved with a poly community where everybody seems to be dating each other makes you much more tolerant of that sort of stuff.
I've never had a threesome that got super weird/awkward, but have heard stories. Usually because somebody involved is really insecure/not actually okay with it.
I had a nice night with Ginger tonight :D
I'm going to NJ and will see my dude that I have a long history with, but my vag is acting up so we'll see what happens...
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I dated a girl (call her A) I worked with for about a year. The relationship really wasn't that good and we both knew it wasn't going to last. Anyway, prior to A, I had a thing for this other girl (call her J). We never did anything, but she was aware of my feelings. Literally about 2 hours after I broke up with A, I got an unexpected blowjob from J in the basement at work. The day after that, I see a picture come across my FB feed of the two of them at the beach together. They never hung out before and weren't really friends, as far as I knew. Anyway, I felt like I threw up and drank it back down several times over.
Vicious. That moment you feel like you're living in a horrible movie plot.
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There's a big lack of discussion about oral sex on this page. :tdwn
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There's a big lack of discussion about oral sex on this page. :tdwn
I love oral sex. 9/10 times I like it more than regular sex.
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There's a big lack of discussion about oral sex on this page. :tdwn
I love oral sex. 9/10 times I like it more than regular sex.
Same here. Nothing better in life than a good blow job.
I'm going to NJ and will see my dude that I have a long history with, but my vag is acting up so we'll see what happens...
:lol If you got some time and need the vag to heal, hit me up.
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For as active a sex life as I've had (and I feel somewhat lucky in that department), I have had a surprising lack of oral service done to me. I had one girlfriend who was okay with it, but not an "offeror", I had one girlfriend who was WAY into it (and so I know it's not me, though I'm aware of the stories, asparagus and whatnot), and mostly women who would say up front "not really my thing".
I'm okay with that, because except for the one who was "WAY" into it, I haven't seen fireworks.
Now a handjob, when done right... all day long.
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A handjob in conjunction with a good blowjob is pretty much heaven on Earth.
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A handjob in conjunction with a good blowjob is pretty much heaven on Earth.
Once again, this. A good suckage is awesome,but when you add the hand at the bottom of the shaft going up and down with the mouth.... :yarr
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The only actual girlfriend I've had who actively loved giving me blowjobs was also by far and away the most insane woman I've ever dated. And by the by, I'm not talking like a nonchalant, bullshit-y "Haha, oh man that chick is INSANE BRUH". No. I mean. Fucking. Insane. Tried to break in to my house after I broke up with her-insane. "BREAK UP WITH ME!? I'LL BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE!" I'm guessing was the rationale. I mean it's TOTALLY LOGICAL. But holy shit did she suck a mean dick. Downright porn worthy. But uh...not worth the other half of our relationship which was shit breaking left and right, screaming, and random fights over the most asinine shit (although to be fair, that was a time when I was drinking the most and she was drinking pretty heavily consistently too).
If I was looking for a relationship, first thing on my list would be sanity and sexuality. I really don't give a shit if it's shallow, whatever you wanna call it. I need a woman who loves to go down on me as much as I love going down on her. Haven't found that balance yet. Well, not in an actual partner. Plenty of friends who love to do it. I'm okay with that for now (and since I'm 27 and am reaching a point where I'm not changing much anymore, maybe for good, which I'm also okay with #I'MLIKEABIRD). Speaking in physicality, nothing is a bigger turn off to me than hearing "blowjobs? EW". I'm not looking for a woman who has some oral fixation but damn...hearing that makes me feel like I'm in highschool or some shit.
ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS SOMEONE WHO IS AS NASTY OF A SLUT AS I AM, DAMN IT!
....yeah....yep, I'm fucked. :police: :xbones
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:lol ♡
I enjoy giving oral more than receiving, usually. And I prefer a good fingering to oral most days.
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So random date tonight with a new girl from okc. Didn't think anything of it when she visited my page last week. I sent her what has become my typical joke message to girls who visit my page "Thanks for visiting, come back soon" or something along those lines. Usually I get a second visit and no response :lol but she chatted back and my family plans got cancelled tonight so just threw out the idea of grabbing a drink and she actually agreed. Im always open to meeting new people so while Im not sure I have interest here, I'm excited to just go out and meet someone.
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:lol, that's awesome though. Hope it was fun! Also just saw your vag healing comment :lol.... I wish I had more down time but have been busy covering pretty much every square mile of NJ the past couple days.
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I enjoy giving oral more than receiving, usually.
I wish I had more down time but have been busy covering pretty much every square mile of NJ the past couple days.
:tup :tup
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:lol
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I wish that people that liked me on OK cupid would also visit my page. I have no idea who these people are :sad:
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I wish that people that liked me on OK cupid would also visit my page. I have no idea who these people are :sad:
I still have a strong suspicion that OKC sends those "likes" to people who haven't paid for that feature as a means of enticing them to purchase it. 20 bucks says if you purchase it, the amount of likes you get drops significantly.
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I wish that people that liked me on OK cupid would also visit my page. I have no idea who these people are :sad:
I still have a strong suspicion that OKC sends those "likes" to people who haven't paid for that feature as a means of enticing them to purchase it. 20 bucks says if you purchase it, the amount of likes you get drops significantly.
As someone who has purchased, it does not drop. Essentially the likes from non visits are from the people who swipe I believe, and not someone who actually browsed your profile.
My date friday night was not really interesting, but part of that was my own fault for choosing a bar that was not very fitting for a first time meeting (it was ridiculously loud for some reason even though it was empty). It made it hard to talk. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow night but Im debating internally if I even want to. She has some cool things in common but she also rubbed me off as being a bit of a bitch and that's a big turn off. I'm pretty sure she wanted me to kiss her and I didn't after the date, just wasn't feeling it. Whatever, was still more interesting than sitting home.
Wednesday night Im supposed to see 23yo for the first time in a couple weeks and then Thursday I'm seeing Tennessee. Should be an interesting week.
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So...I've written here a few times about a girl I've been seeing.
Well, she was awfully quiet this weekend, so this morning I sent her a message on Facebook and asked how her weekend was and how she was doing.
Well...she responded with that she's gonna take a break from dating guys for a while now, for reasons she doesn't want to discuss. And she then proceeded to block me.
And I'm still a bit in shock and just wondering what I did that provoked such a reaction. But no matter how much I think about it, I can't think of anything. We had a great time, had sex several times.
I'm not really sad, I hadn't yet develop such strong emotions. But I'm upset, maybe even angry. It's okay for her to want to stop dating me but it would be nice to get to know why, or at the very least, get to know if I did something wrong. It's a bit disrespectful.
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And that's the biggest drawback from dating. The disrespect because someone doesn't want to have a tough conversation. Not saying she needs to explain herself, but the blocking bothers me especially if all things had seemed to be going well. Just leaves the other persons wondering wtf and that's not right IMO.
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There were several occasions where I reached out to a girl after the fact to discuss just that. One girl I met on Tinder ghosted after weeks of texting and two dates. I think I told this story before, but I was away camping and we were texting back and forth most of the day. We were mid conversation (seamless texting back and forth. Not even 30 seconds between sending and receiving) and she just randomly stopped. I didn't think much of it and let it go. Nightfall came, I sent a goodnight text, and woke up the next morning to nothing. At that point I figured that if she wanted to continue speaking, she'd reach out, any further messages from me would likely be falling on deaf ears at that point. A few more days go by and I never heard back from her.
About a week later I sent her a text along the lines of "Hey Leah. I told myself I wasn't going to send this, but could you please shed some light on why you just stopped texting me? I'm not looking to go out again or anything, but it concerns me when I'm talking to someone on a very regular basis and then they vanish without a trace. Can you be honest and let me know if it's something that I did specifically, or are you just not interested? You're not going to hurt my feelings".
She responded right away letting me know that she started talking to me as soon as she started seeing one of the guys at the hospital she worked at. She got romantically involved with him and that pretty much put the lid on whatever was brewing between the two of us. It was a completely legitimate answer and I was thrilled to hear it. Maybe it was bullshit, I don't know. But it was kind of irritating that she just couldn't be up front about it. She could have at least said goodbye without just leaving me out to dry.
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The first girl I date after 9 years with my x ghosted me after 6 dates including the 6th being one where I slept at her place. The day after sleeping over was when she ghosted me. I also called her out on it and she finally did respond, didn't give a reason but did say she didn't know how to end it. I think she just had decided to stick with another guy personally.
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I don't get it. I just don't. If you're gonna end things with someone, you're not gonna see them again so just might as well just be honest about it.
No, I guess I can't demand an explanation. But the lack thereof just leaves me in a state of doubt if I did something to upset her. If she didn't block me, I could at least have asked that, so that I at least could have the opportunity to say I'm sorry and learn something. As it is now, I learned nothing. I feel like Jon Snow.
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This happened to me, shortly after my divorce. Met a girl, and I thought really hit it off. Two dates, and BAM. Just, over.
I'll be honest, though. It's several years now, and I'm past it and remarried, and to the extent I ever think about it (almost never) I'm more bugged by my asking her for the reasoning than I am the reasoning itself. I know that's probably not typical, but sometimes in life we don't get all the answers wrapped up nice in a little bow.
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This happened to me, shortly after my divorce. Met a girl, and I thought really hit it off. Two dates, and BAM. Just, over.
I'll be honest, though. It's several years now, and I'm past it and remarried, and to the extent I ever think about it (almost never) I'm more bugged by my asking her for the reasoning than I am the reasoning itself. I know that's probably not typical, but sometimes in life we don't get all the answers wrapped up nice in a little bow.
Another thing to add is that even if you got a reason, who knows if it's legit. Most people aren't going to say outright that I left you for another man, but will say something like "we just don't have things in common" or whatnot. To be honest, I've used this type of excuse instead of the real reasons just because the real reasons would have made the person likely way more upset than the actual ending things.
Although I sincerely would like to know when I fuck things up, what exactly it was that fucked things up to learn from my mistakes, but then again it's rarely one thing that ends it and if it is, you likely know what you did.
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This happened to me, shortly after my divorce. Met a girl, and I thought really hit it off. Two dates, and BAM. Just, over.
I'll be honest, though. It's several years now, and I'm past it and remarried, and to the extent I ever think about it (almost never) I'm more bugged by my asking her for the reasoning than I am the reasoning itself. I know that's probably not typical, but sometimes in life we don't get all the answers wrapped up nice in a little bow.
Another thing to add is that even if you got a reason, who knows if it's legit. Most people aren't going to say outright that I left you for another man, but will say something like "we just don't have things in common" or whatnot. To be honest, I've used this type of excuse instead of the real reasons just because the real reasons would have made the person likely way more upset than the actual ending things.
Although I sincerely would like to know when I fuck things up, what exactly it was that fucked things up to learn from my mistakes, but then again it's rarely one thing that ends it and if it is, you likely know what you did.
Not arguing with you at all, but even if you DID know the "truth" (at least as she sees it) who's to say that it applies to anyone else? One man's meat, as Ian Gillan says. I met a girl not long after and now we're married, and honestly I can't think of one thing I did really differently.
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That's fair as well, but I guess it's part of me that feels like I should learn from all my experiences.
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I can easily look back now and understand why it didn't work out. I am also happy now because I knew I'm better off for 2 reasons. I'm better for going through it, I'm better of without the other person.
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Lynxo, I think it's safe to say it's nothing you did. Based on her response I am guessing she is either going through some personal shit or is dating somebody else and didn't want to tell you that. It's her issue, not yours. Fine to be peeved but try not to take it personally.
It's true, we don't always get things neatly wrapped up in a bow, but it would be nice to have some answers!
I'm going back to Denver tomorrow and looking forward to my period being over so I can get some booty :lol... Ginger will pick me up at the airport.
Meanwhile, Knuckles and Dandy got me a nun dildo for my birthday that just arrived in the mail, so I will have to see them soon :hat
I've only heard from Russian briefly since I've been gone, but I haven't really reached out to him (or anyone) much. Once I get home I will look at my calendar and propose a hangout, because I kinda miss his stupid face.
So, another topic- I got messages from a trans woman and a person who is sort of in-between on OKC (like, very obviously biologically male and even has facial hair, but dresses in women's clothing). I'm hella busy/booked and actually told them both that, but I am sorta curious. I've never dated/screwed somebody in either of those camps, and have always sorta wondered if I'd be into it... but I don't want to mess with somebody's head for the sake of my own experimentation, so it's sticky territory. They both seem like genuinely cool people though.
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Lynxo, I think it's safe to say it's nothing you did. Based on her response I am guessing she is either going through some personal shit or is dating somebody else and didn't want to tell you that. It's her issue, not yours. Fine to be peeved but try not to take it personally.
It's true, we don't always get things neatly wrapped up in a bow, but it would be nice to have some answers!
Thanks, after thinking about it for a while, I've come to the same conclusion. I can't possibly see that I did anything wrong. And my friends say the same thing.
So, another topic- I got messages from a trans woman and a person who is sort of in-between on OKC (like, very obviously biologically male and even has facial hair, but dresses in women's clothing). I'm hella busy/booked and actually told them both that, but I am sorta curious. I've never dated/screwed somebody in either of those camps, and have always sorta wondered if I'd be into it... but I don't want to mess with somebody's head for the sake of my own experimentation, so it's sticky territory. They both seem like genuinely cool people though.
I'd say it's fine as long as you're being upfront about it with all parties involved. :)
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True. I mean, it's not like I'm actively wanting to experiment, but I am honestly not sure if I would be into somebody in that situation since I've never had the experience before. I mostly just think people are people and I'm attracted to personalities vs. body parts, it's just a bit different. I dId once sleep with a friend who is pretty fluid with his gender expression, but am not normally attracted to him. I'm not super worried about it, but it's something I've been thinking about, getting these messages. We shall see!
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I don't get it. I just don't. If you're gonna end things with someone, you're not gonna see them again so just might as well just be honest about it.
No, I guess I can't demand an explanation. But the lack thereof just leaves me in a state of doubt if I did something to upset her. If she didn't block me, I could at least have asked that, so that I at least could have the opportunity to say I'm sorry and learn something. As it is now, I learned nothing. I feel like Jon Snow.
You're expecting everyone to be sincere and forthright and, while I sometimes have the same wonders as you, you need to resort to the hard facts that some people feel like they're better than you and will show it. There's no reason for this girl to have blocked you. If she's going through something then she needs to say it and then walk away. People need to act less sophomoric in these dating situations and act like adults. They need to accept responsibility for their actions.
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The blocking just makes me think she is seeing someone else and maybe seriously. She doesn't want that other person she dated to pop up on a text or something while she is with the other guy. That's my best guess.
I think it's part of a system where some bad apples ruin things for the good guys (typical for society). Like a girl dates a few guys and decides to stick with one and honestly tells that to the other and then one of those guys calls her a a whore and stalks her on social media and then the next time this same girl just blocks everyone to avoid a nasty confrontation. I've actually had girls tell me stories like this before.
It makes it easy for us good guys to sit back and say WTF did I do to deserve that? But I think it's rooted in the fact that there are way too many bad guys out there that just make these situations worse than they should be.
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Deleting/blocking/ghosting... all of those are such dick moves, from guys AND gals. Man/woman up and be straight about it. Yeah, the truth sucks but at least in the long run it hurts much less.
Speaking of "man/woman up"... had to tell a fella that I wanted to keep things to just friends for now. He didn't take it so well, then got nasty and said I shouldn't bring up my ex so much. Um... fair point, but there is history there that doesn't just go away because of a breakup. Made me proud of myself that I didn't take the coward way out and was straight with him about it.
Fella is now on about "I want to make this work". Make WHAT work?! If you're that insecure... just... no. When he told me that early Tuesday morning, I told him to please give me some time. How much time is up to me, and I'm thinking it might be indefinite. I know that's evil, but if you have to almost beg for a chance... no. Grow a set and be my friend, or just go. I'm too old for the in-between shit.
TL;DR, Deb is still in Der Klub. :lol
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Yeah, he should respect the boundary you set. It sucks to be in his shoes, but you can't "make it work" if you're not on the same page of what you want right now.
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Yeah, he should respect the boundary you set. It sucks to be in his shoes, but you can't "make it work" if you're not on the same page of what you want right now.
Speaking of which. Jack.....I'm still thinking about it....
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:'(
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Deleting/blocking/ghosting... all of those are such dick moves, from guys AND gals. Man/woman up and be straight about it. Yeah, the truth sucks but at least in the long run it hurts much less.
Speaking of "man/woman up"... had to tell a fella that I wanted to keep things to just friends for now. He didn't take it so well, then got nasty and said I shouldn't bring up my ex so much. Um... fair point, but there is history there that doesn't just go away because of a breakup. Made me proud of myself that I didn't take the coward way out and was straight with him about it.
Fella is now on about "I want to make this work". Make WHAT work?! If you're that insecure... just... no. When he told me that early Tuesday morning, I told him to please give me some time. How much time is up to me, and I'm thinking it might be indefinite. I know that's evil, but if you have to almost beg for a chance... no. Grow a set and be my friend, or just go. I'm too old for the in-between shit.
TL;DR, Deb is still in Der Klub. :lol
Im glad he didnt turn into shaming you in some ways. I've heard that story a lot, girl ends things with guy and then guy tells he she is ugly or something. It's what leads to ghosting in the first place. I mean, his reaction still isn't the best, but I guess you know the guy at least liked you. He should definitely respect the boundary you drew.
It actually seems like the girl I went on that one date last Friday was going to ghost me (no big deal really on one date that I wasn't crazy about), but I just called her out on it saying "it seems there is no interest so good luck out there and if I run into you don't be afraid to say hi" Which she immediately responded :lol funny how that works. Either way we left on good terms and she said she will reach out to me before the 311 concert in a couple weeks to maybe meet up as friends.
Hung out with 23yo last night, just chilled at my house. It was nice. After 2 weeks since last hanging out and hardly texting we had a bunch to catch up on. That's what I really like about her, so easy to talk to and she is always so happy and positive which is different than how we communicate when we arent together.
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My date with Tennessee last night in NYC was nice. Grabbed some awesome pizza and ate outside and just walked around. Not a whole lot, we were both so tired so we only ended up seeing each other for about 2 hours. She kept going for the PDA again and I was a bit more forceful with pulling away when I thought it was too much. She says she wants to come out to Jersey for the afternoon tomorrow, I told her that would be great, but I honestly don't see the point in doing 2.5 hours of round trip travel to just hang out for 3 hours so we will see if she actually makes it out here.
And just spoke to 23yo and she wants to come over for drinks tonight which sounds like it could be a fun evening.
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Yeah, he should respect the boundary you set. It sucks to be in his shoes, but you can't "make it work" if you're not on the same page of what you want right now.
Yeah, see below.
Im glad he didnt turn into shaming you in some ways. I've heard that story a lot, girl ends things with guy and then guy tells he she is ugly or something. It's what leads to ghosting in the first place. I mean, his reaction still isn't the best, but I guess you know the guy at least liked you. He should definitely respect the boundary you drew.
Well, he pretty much went off on me earlier this morning. He and I are both roleplayers in the MMO we both play, and he felt that how I was RPing my character was "cheating on him" but he was still willing to give the RP a fair shot. I kind of fired back that the way I play the character is sometimes poly. He did NOT take too kindly to that but I'm left with a massive set of the giggles and the fact that this is JUST A GAME.
So, since he decided to take a ticket on the weird bus straight to Crazy Town... bye, Felicia.
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Amen. Great call. Too many trust issues there.
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Yeah, he should respect the boundary you set. It sucks to be in his shoes, but you can't "make it work" if you're not on the same page of what you want right now.
Yeah, see below.
Im glad he didnt turn into shaming you in some ways. I've heard that story a lot, girl ends things with guy and then guy tells he she is ugly or something. It's what leads to ghosting in the first place. I mean, his reaction still isn't the best, but I guess you know the guy at least liked you. He should definitely respect the boundary you drew.
Well, he pretty much went off on me earlier this morning. He and I are both roleplayers in the MMO we both play, and he felt that how I was RPing my character was "cheating on him" but he was still willing to give the RP a fair shot. I kind of fired back that the way I play the character is sometimes poly. He did NOT take too kindly to that but I'm left with a massive set of the giggles and the fact that this is JUST A GAME.
So, since he decided to take a ticket on the weird bus straight to Crazy Town... bye, Felicia.
So this guy took your real life ending and spun it into your MMO game? :lol Im not sure I'm interpreting it correctly, but from an outside perspective that's kind of funny although ridiculous. Good riddance.
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Good riddance, indeed!
Russian has been annoyingly silent and not trying to make plans with me, so he can kiss my ass. Saw Ginger and Hubby tonight but was really fried so we just watched a movie and I fell asleep :lol
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Good riddance, indeed!
Russian has been annoyingly silent and not trying to make plans with me, so he can kiss my ass. Saw Ginger and Hubby tonight but was really fried so we just watched a movie and I fell asleep :lol
womp womp about Russian, guy has seemingly always been pretty quiet towards you... kiss the ass indeed.
Tennessee is coming out here in a couple hours and I'm pretty excited to see her outside of the NYC streets. I shouldn't have to worry about PDA for once. She's only coming for a little bit so we are just going to do lunch and take a walk along the bay near my house. Then maybe just chill at my house, she can meet my cat and I wish I could meet hers :lol
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"So, uh, you've met MY pussy..."
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:lol
We had a pretty awesome afternoon, went for a walk along the bay and ate some seafood outside there as well. Then went to the local park for a walk along the pond and to see the farm animals and back to my house where we had a nice make out sesh. She then told me she's a virgin and not going to have sex until marriage. I don't know, I think that kind of kills it for me sadly. A relationship shouldn't only be about sex solely, but I do find it important. I certainly wouldn't rush her, she had told me she wanted to take time first which is fine but then she dropped the bombshell.
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I don't even know anymore. Sometimes this shit is an exercise in futility.
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Amen. Great call. Too many trust issues there.
Thanks much, my Liege. And yeah - WAY too many trust issues.
So this guy took your real life ending and spun it into your MMO game? :lol Im not sure I'm interpreting it correctly, but from an outside perspective that's kind of funny although ridiculous. Good riddance.
No, he wanted to continue the relationship "in character" but he was making it VERY awkward "out of character". But same result - good riddance.
Good riddance, indeed!
Thanks bby :-* :heart
I don't even know anymore. Sometimes this shit is an exercise in futility.
No shit.
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It's so much easier to find someone to sleep around with than it is to find love. I'll just go back into my Hank Moody phase.
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It's so much easier to find someone to sleep around with than it is to find love. I'll just go back into my Hank Moody phase.
It's been my experience that if you need to be with someone, you'll probably never be happy with somebody.
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It's so much easier to find someone to sleep around with than it is to find love. I'll just go back into my Hank Moody phase.
It's been my experience that if you need to be with someone, you'll probably never be happy with somebody.
That's kind of my crux. I know empty sex will create a temporary peace, but eventually I'll want to find something more genuine. Who knows? Maybe one of the women I meet will turn out to be much more than a friend with benefits. Maybe it'll happen when I'm not trying so hard.
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It's so much easier to find someone to sleep around with than it is to find love. I'll just go back into my Hank Moody phase.
It's been my experience that if you need to be with someone, you'll probably never be happy with somebody.
That's kind of my crux. I know empty sex will create a temporary peace, but eventually I'll want to find something more genuine. Who knows? Maybe one of the women I meet will turn out to be much more than a friend with benefits. Maybe it'll happen when I'm not trying so hard.
I meant more....just be single. Be you. If you happen to meet someone, cool. If not, cool.
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It's the everything else that makes the relationship. Sex is a part but there's so much more. Plus, allowing each other to still be an individual.
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It's so much easier to find someone to sleep around with than it is to find love. I'll just go back into my Hank Moody phase.
It's been my experience that if you need to be with someone, you'll probably never be happy with somebody.
That's kind of my crux. I know empty sex will create a temporary peace, but eventually I'll want to find something more genuine. Who knows? Maybe one of the women I meet will turn out to be much more than a friend with benefits. Maybe it'll happen when I'm not trying so hard.
I meant more....just be single. Be you. If you happen to meet someone, cool. If not, cool.
It has been almost a year since I've been with someone. I can't wait forever. I need to do something with myself. I'm 40 years old and the longer I wait, the harder it will get.
It's the everything else that makes the relationship. Sex is a part but there's so much more. Plus, allowing each other to still be an individual.
I agree. I'm not necessarily saying that I want to have a sex only relationship the rest of my life. I'm just keeping a positive outlook in that maybe my next serious relationship will happen with one of my sex partners. I can only take it a day at a time, but I have to do something. Looking for love is not working. Looking for sex is miles easier. It'll give me a break from the discouraging dating field.
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Yes, but based on this thread, it's been a year of pretty constant searching, lots of dating and so forth. I mean, do what you want man. I'm just saying that the stronger you need to be with someone, the less likely you are to actually be happy with anyone in the long term.
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When I looked for love it's didn't work. Enjoy you being single and let it naturally happen. Trying for love never works.
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Yes, but based on this thread, it's been a year of pretty constant searching, lots of dating and so forth. I mean, do what you want man. I'm just saying that the stronger you need to be with someone, the less likely you are to actually be happy with anyone in the long term.
I understand what you're saying. It's a concern that I might force myself to fall in love just to be with someone. That's I will not do. I just want to have some fun right now. Forget looking for love. I'm digging out the old black book and seeing what else is out there. Basically, I think I should just take a break from looking for something serious.
When I looked for love it's didn't work. Enjoy you being single and let it naturally happen. Trying for love never works.
That's what I want to do. I want it to happen naturally.
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When I looked for love it's didn't work. Enjoy you being single and let it naturally happen. Trying for love never works.
That's what happened with me. Just started graduate school. The whole year prior I was actively looking, but with no luck. I decided to not bother looking at all once starting school since I knew it was going to occupy all my time and then boom, on day one of class I meet a girl. We fall in love, eventually we get engaged, we plan a future. All started out of the blue.
Sadly, that all fell apart a few months ago, but my best and happiest relationship was totally out of the blue.
But I feel your pain Prog Snob, I am ready to settle down as well.
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Totally agreed with the last few posts about love coming when you least expect it. Just because you're 40 and you think time will make it harder to find somebody (I don't necessarily think this is true, based on the love lives of my older friends, btw) doesn't mean aggressive pursuit of romance will work. Just be you and don't try so hard.
She then told me she's a virgin and not going to have sex until marriage.
Whooooooa. Run awayyy. That sucks, dude. The fact that she waited this long is kind of messed up, IMO. That should really be something that gets put on the table very early. Like, in her profile :lol... but she probably withholds that info and uses massive PDA to try and reel dudes in/keep them interested. Maybe that's a cynical/bitchy thing to say, but...
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Maybe, but she's been pretty honest since the get go about being "inexperienced" and while we've been chatting for a log time, we only hung out a few times and yesterday was the first where we were alone. I think the timing of saying that was fine and she even said that she needed to get that out so she didn't feel like she was hiding something.
It just sucks because she is sooo nice and sweet but I know she is not for me and I also don't want to lead her on now yet I love talking to her. She told me her parents got on her hard for coming to jersey for a guy she met online. I feel like her strict parents play a large role on swaying her and that's unfortunate.
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Don't discount virgins. They make excellent blood sacrifices to Kthulu!
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Fair point.
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Even though the last girl I dated turned out to be quite dishonest, it seems the whole experience has opened up whole new opportunities for me. I went for a date with a really cute girl yesterday and I'm talking to two more girls online, one of which I'm probably gonna meet at the end of this week. Not sure what has changed but bring it on, I say! :hat
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Even though the last girl I dated turned out to be quite dishonest, it seems the whole experience has opened up whole new opportunities for me. I went for a date with a really cute girl yesterday and I'm talking to two more girls online, one of which I'm probably gonna meet at the end of this week. Not sure what has changed but bring it on, I say! :hat
Experience is what changed. Maybe some confidence as well. I had very little confidence when I started dating, being that I had no idea what I was doing. Once I went on a few dates and started to learn how to make things work, I started getting more confident and landing even more dates.
I started having some serious chats with a new okc girl yesterday. Technically I reached out to her a few months ago, was ignored, she changed her profile and I came across it again and went to send her a message (and realized I had previously messaged her to no response) but figured what the hell, send another one. That was last week. It lead to a conversation and not much more, but yesterday I shot her another message and it turned into a full blown TM convo all evening. We have a ton in common and I think I am actually really interested in her now.
Still need to find an appropriate way/time to end things with Tennessee and I feel really bad if I mention that it has to do with her strict religion, because I am also a religious person (just not that extreme) and I would feel terrible saying that. Granted, I think there are a couple other reasons why things wouldn't seriously work with her, but I just need to think about this. She has been nothing but nice and respectful and she deserves that same respect when I end things.
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:lol
We had a pretty awesome afternoon, went for a walk along the bay and ate some seafood outside there as well. Then went to the local park for a walk along the pond and to see the farm animals and back to my house where we had a nice make out sesh. She then told me she's a virgin and not going to have sex until marriage. I don't know, I think that kind of kills it for me sadly. A relationship shouldn't only be about sex solely, but I do find it important. I certainly wouldn't rush her, she had told me she wanted to take time first which is fine but then she dropped the bombshell.
(https://www.relatably.com/m/img/running-away-memes/run-away-monty-python-gif.jpg)
That really blows. Why is she waiting until marriage? Is she super religious, or has she just been brainwashed to believing virginity is some special thing that she's 'saving' for the right person?
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Yes, but based on this thread, it's been a year of pretty constant searching, lots of dating and so forth. I mean, do what you want man. I'm just saying that the stronger you need to be with someone, the less likely you are to actually be happy with anyone in the long term.
Probably not my place at all, but I think Adami is on to something. I don't know that I'm able to articulate it any better than he did, but I think some of you - and no, Prog Snob, I'm not talking about you specifically - are approaching this like you approach a video game ("If I just do x, y, and z, I'll unlock the trophy!"). I think some of this is personal honesty, and what it is that you REALLY want. I get the sense from one or two of you that it's actually the constant search that is the real thrill (and I can relate to that). I'm not sure the problem for everyone here is FINDING love, it's recognizing it when it's there and grasping it in a way that doesn't snap it's neck and kill it.
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:lol, nicely said.
I invited Russian out on Friday for a friend's birthday thing plus movie, and apparently he's going to Tahoe AGAIN for a "six-day weekend." I haven't seen him in over two weeks and I guess it's gonna be at least another one now, if we even hang again. He's still responding and stuff, which is obviously a good sign, but all the momentum has been lost and it's just sort of meh right now. I'm debating putting my feelings out there.
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I get the sense from one or two of you that it's actually the constant search that is the real thrill (and I can relate to that). I'm not sure the problem for everyone here is FINDING love, it's recognizing it when it's there and grasping it in a way that doesn't snap it's neck and kill it.
Not sure you were talking about me with this, but definitely for sure there is a huge thrill of searching and meeting someone for the first time, getting to know them... and their bodies :lol. It's definitely something that keeps me coming back and maybe a large roadblock to ever settling down at this point. I think about it a lot. However, I haven't gotten anywhere close to finding love. Given my experience with my ex, I also have little hope of actually finding it again as well. Hence, the idea of rather just having fun and if it forms, it forms. Otherwise just move on essentially.
That really blows. Why is she waiting until marriage? Is she super religious, or has she just been brainwashed to believing virginity is some special thing that she's 'saving' for the right person?
Super religious. Her family are hardcore Christians from Tennessee. I guess you could say she had been brainwashed if that's the way you want to put it. She was pretty honest about those ideas being very strict and her family being a bit over the top with everything, yet she still felt strongly about her religion. The weird part of all of that, is that she acted like she wanted to have sex. She had been the one with all of the PDA, and when we were alone in my house, it was her who took her top off, who rubbed my junk, and got ontop of me. And then it was her who stopped saying she wasnt going to go forward and didn't want to tease. She'd probably make a great wife for someone though, very honest and caring. Also, very cute too.
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Is she open to everything BUT the final countdown? Meaning, thinking back to some of my exes, I would take "EVERYTHING but banging" to the generic, vanilla, no-frills banging I was getting, if that makes sense.
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Is she open to everything BUT the final countdown? Meaning, thinking back to some of my exes, I would take "EVERYTHING but banging" to the generic, vanilla, no-frills banging I was getting, if that makes sense.
Didn't really get into specifics, but it's kind of a deal breaker regardless so I'm not so sure I will find out.
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Is she open to everything BUT the final countdown? Meaning, thinking back to some of my exes, I would take "EVERYTHING but banging" to the generic, vanilla, no-frills banging I was getting, if that makes sense.
Didn't really get into specifics, but it's kind of a deal breaker regardless so I'm not so sure I will find out.
As long as everything else was still fair game, I think I'd take my chances and go for the relationship. 1) She might be really really good at blowjobs. 2) After a few weeks/months, she'd probably say 'the hell with it' and let you in.
Back in college I knew a 'virgin' who'd only do anal. I never understood it. It's like the vagina is this magical opening that must remain pure, but you can do whatever you want to the asshole and face... made zero sense to me.
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Is she open to everything BUT the final countdown? Meaning, thinking back to some of my exes, I would take "EVERYTHING but banging" to the generic, vanilla, no-frills banging I was getting, if that makes sense.
Didn't really get into specifics, but it's kind of a deal breaker regardless so I'm not so sure I will find out.
As long as everything else was still fair game, I think I'd take my chances and go for the relationship. 1) She might be really really good at blowjobs. 2) After a few weeks/months, she'd probably say 'the hell with it' and let you in.
Back in college I knew a 'virgin' who'd only do anal. I never understood it. It's like the vagina is this magical opening that must remain pure, but you can do whatever you want to the asshole and face... made zero sense to me.
I've heard of that too. That to me just smacks of deeper issue, since it's clearly not a "purity" thing. With that kind of build up and reverence, it better be the make of gold and lined with velvet.
But in all seriousness, for the right relationship I too would have no problem engaging in all else in the meantime. I think I've noted my partiality to the hand job here before. :)
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Yes, but based on this thread, it's been a year of pretty constant searching, lots of dating and so forth. I mean, do what you want man. I'm just saying that the stronger you need to be with someone, the less likely you are to actually be happy with anyone in the long term.
Probably not my place at all, but I think Adami is on to something. I don't know that I'm able to articulate it any better than he did, but I think some of you - and no, Prog Snob, I'm not talking about you specifically - are approaching this like you approach a video game ("If I just do x, y, and z, I'll unlock the trophy!"). I think some of this is personal honesty, and what it is that you REALLY want. I get the sense from one or two of you that it's actually the constant search that is the real thrill (and I can relate to that). I'm not sure the problem for everyone here is FINDING love, it's recognizing it when it's there and grasping it in a way that doesn't snap it's neck and kill it.
While you said it wasn't aimed at me specifically, I can then unequivocally deny that any of what you said relates to me.
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Is she open to everything BUT the final countdown? Meaning, thinking back to some of my exes, I would take "EVERYTHING but banging" to the generic, vanilla, no-frills banging I was getting, if that makes sense.
Didn't really get into specifics, but it's kind of a deal breaker regardless so I'm not so sure I will find out.
As long as everything else was still fair game, I think I'd take my chances and go for the relationship. 1) She might be really really good at blowjobs. 2) After a few weeks/months, she'd probably say 'the hell with it' and let you in.
Back in college I knew a 'virgin' who'd only do anal. I never understood it. It's like the vagina is this magical opening that must remain pure, but you can do whatever you want to the asshole and face... made zero sense to me.
Not exactly the same but I had a friend in college who cheated on her boyfriend on vacation but claimed she didn't because "We just had anal sex. That's not really cheating."
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Just commenting to say that I'm rooting for all of you. :tup
Also...the line between "strict religious upbringing" and "child abuse survivor" is unfortunately blurry. Either way, there tends to be a lot of therapy involved. I'm not saying that anyone should stay away, but be honest with yourself in your assessment of the situation, what you're signing up for, and why you're doing it.
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I think a girl at my new job likes me? I'm not sure. Very attractive Mexican girl, just thought I'd point that out. Not that either of those, being Mexican or being attractive, are relevant.
I work a sales position where there's a lot of downtime in the store if there aren't any customers. We contract our cleaning and there are other positions that stock merchandise, so we just chit-chat if it's a slow day. Anyway, [Girl] and I have had a lot of time to talk at the store and, as it turns out, we have a lot in common. We've been getting to know each other a lot better and talking more and more.
This is where it gets a bit sketchy for me. She has a very playful, almost flirtatious, personality type, but it feels like moreso with me than with others. I've made this mistake in the past, so I'm trying not to jump to conclusions or to infer too much. When we're waiting for customers, we generally line up along the wall so whoever's first in line can open the door for the next customer, then we all move up, so on and so forth. When she's in line next to me, she'll come up and lean on me, or she'll stand right beside me and lean her bodyweight on to me in the form of a kind of "push," expecting me to just prop her up or push her back in sort of a rocking motion or what have you. Or sometimes she'll walk past me and give me a small shove. Just little things like that. Earlier today, she doodled my name on my arm with a pen.
I walked into the back and one of the other guys said "So Im thinkin' that [Girl] kinda has a thing for you."
"Yeah, I... Maybe. She's kinda playful with everyone like that, though."
"True, and you're right, but it seems like lately it's more you than anyone else."
Me: shrug
I'm not gonna take too much from it just yet. I'll wait and see how things go.
Oh, almost forgot. A few days ago, she told me in private that she is breaking up with the guy she's been seeing because basically they don't have compatible lifestyles. She wants someone more responsible and closer to her age. Some of the other guys in the store are interested in her, but she made a point to tell me where they wouldn't hear. She didn't want to talk about it in front of any of them.
Update on this. I think. I don't know. Kind of a long read
We've started to develop really good chemistry in the store. We were leaving work the other night and she said we needed to hang out or do a board game night or something. I agreed, and asked her to go the movies with me and another of my co-workers, Jason, who had planned on going in a few days with me. I forgot it was Game of Thrones night, so I had to postpone the movie plan with Jason, but he suggested we do a game night at his house. I told him it sounded good and asked when. The girl, we'll call her Sofia, got excited and said "Tonight!" Well, shit. Okay. I live about a mile from her, so she said she had to go feed her dogs and such, then asked if she could ride with me to Jason's.
So I picked her up and she told me that she "kind of felt bad" because she was supposed to go to some show that the guy she's "kind of dating" was playing at. Or something. Anyway, we got to Jason's house and he introduced us to his wife and we started to have a pretty fun night. We ordered pizza, had just a couple drinks (nothing too crazy) and played Taboo. I should backtrack a bit here, because about three days prior to this night Sofia wore a ponytail to work and I told Jason how ponytails are basically my kryptonite... Anyway, back to Taboo. For those of you unfamiliar with it, you get a word that you have to make your teammate guess by making up clues while avoiding certain other words on that card. My word was "ponytail." My clue to Jason was "I told you a few days ago this is my favorite hairstyle." He guessed it and Sofia looked at me and just said "Really?!"
"Yeah."
"Ponytails?"
"Yeah. Well, not on me. On girls."
This becomes important in a minute, so we'll come back to it. In the meantime, before I left, I got a text from Jason. It was a screenshot of a conversation between him and his wife.
Jason: So lady's opinion, is she into him?
Wife: Yes.
So we played for quite a while, went home, etc. etc. I texted Jason after I left.
Me: Who was that to? Wifey?
Jason: Yes.
Me: A sure-fire way to tell will be if she starts wearing more ponytails.
Me: I did that on purpose.
Jason: You clever fucking bastard.
Sofia was off work the following day, but came back the day after that. Wearing a ponytail.
Later that day she mentioned to me in passing that she thought I was off that day. I'm not so sure I believe her. Maybe I just don't want to. /shrug
All I can do is wait things out, really.
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:lol That's awesome. Good luck. Also good on you for the "waiting things out". Guys seem to go all fuckin' Tazmanian Devil over the slightest indication of interest. Playing it cool is always the way to go.
:coolio
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All I can do is wait things out, really.
Sounds like you can take the bull by the horns... eh I mean the girl by the ponytail if you wanted. Other than working together and the potential disaster this can create, I think you should just make a move.
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All I can do is wait things out, really.
Sounds like you can take the bull by the horns... eh I mean the girl by the ponytail if you wanted. Other than working together and the potential disaster this can create, I think you should just make a move.
That's the thing. We have a good thing going. Our "relationship" has progressed nicely. I don't want to jeopardize it or make things awkward, which is why I'm trying to balance not making a move with subtly showing interest. It's a fine line I'm walking, and it sucks. :lol
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I really think she likes you, but apparently is marginally involved with somebody else. But I say go for it. I'm seeing mostly green lights...
Guys, I forgot to tell you about my hilarious Saturday night/Sunday morning! I was out at the goth club with some friends, and after a few drinks I needed a smoke. I went out to the patio area and saw this cute nerdy guy by himself in a Millennium Falcon shirt, so I approached him. He bummed me a smoke and we got to talking. After the bar closed, I ended up parting ways with my lame friends and meeting him and his friends for late-night food, then he joined me to go get my keys at my friend's apartment (this was around 3-4am). Except this turned into a long hangout with my friend Ken, who already has no speech filter and had been drinking. Turns out this guy is a DT fan, so the three of us end up rocking out to SFAM. And at some point the two of us were out on the balcony alone and we kissed, and that was nice.
So, this is where Ken's lack of filter comes in :lol
Every time Ken would leave the room, or we would go out for a smoke, when we were back in the same room together he would turn to this dude and say "So... did you eat her pussy yet??" :rollin
THEN he started asking the guy questions about his dick- how big is it, is it circumcised, etc. I was laughing but also like "Ken, STFU!" because the guy was obviously a bit more reserved than us and not thrilled to be asked dick questions by somebody who was basically a stranger. But he took it like a champ.
So we hung out til almost 7am, and when we parted ways the guy gave me an awkward little peck and left. I assumd at that point I'd never see him again but the next day I texted thanking him for a good night and saying I hoped Ken didn't scare him off. About a day later he actually texted back and we exchanged a few messages. He said he wants to hang out again but we haven't talked much, so who the fuck knows? But at the very least, it was a highly entertaining night :lol
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That sounds like a lot of fun! Nerds! :metal
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So, uh, ... how big WAS it? WAS it circumcised?
(Hahaha, I'm kidding, I really have no need or desire to know.)
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I never saw it! :p
In my first text I said I hoped Ken didn't freak him out too much, and he said there was only one thing that weirded him out but everything else was fine. I'm dying to know which of those things was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'll have to ask him if we end up hanging again. But yeah, super fun to drunkenly belt out an entire DT album with two other fans :lol
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Finally manned up and ending things with Tennessee this morning. Basically since hanging out last Saturday and realizing this was not what I was really looking for, I kind of backed off from talking as much last week and she kept pushing to schedule a time to hang out and I said for tonight, but I really kept thinking all weekend that I thought it was a bad idea to continue knowing the way I feel. I brought up the idea that maybe this wasn't for me both Saturday and Sunday nights and she kept just saying we will talk in person... but I woke up today knowing I really did not want to do the whole effort of meeting up after work (although she said she would take the train out to Jersey to make things easier for me) just to end things. I feel so bad because I know she is a good person. It went as well as an ending can go. I'll miss chatting with her.
But I had also been seeing 23yo as well and over the last couple weeks it seemed more and more likely that I was more into 23yo as well so that was definitely another reason to just end things with Tennessee. 23yo and I went to the local fireworks last night and as usual, I just enjoy her company. She may be coming with me to see Sublime with Rome this friday which would be awesome.
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I haven't done much since ending things with DT Girl a few weeks ago. In fact, I was getting a little frustrated cuz I was getting some of those classics, like mutual likes that start conversing and then disappear. Whatever ::).
I've been chatting with this woman for like a week. I was reminded of some of you guys, cuz she is awful at texting communication. She's there, she's just so bad at texting :lol. She knows and admits it, but Damn!, it's bad! But, I could also tell from texting that she is a little crazy. She's kinda frantic and all over the place. It had me kinda concerned, cuz I'm very chill, and I'm not sure I can handle, or want to handle, someome that's a handful. But, she got a cool personality and I'm digging that. So I have to drive 40 mins to where we're meeting. She was basically an hour late. Shitty! But I didn't dwell on it. We got drinks and walked around to some different bars and music. Sooo... she talks... a lot! I'm not sure if she was nervous, or if she's like that all the time. She's sweet, but there were points where I just wanted her to stop talking lol. I was parked closer, so I gave her a ride to her car. We smoked a little on the way, which was nice bonding :biggrin:. I walked her to her car and said good-bye, gave her a hug. As I turned away, I had this feeling from her look. She went to get in her car and turns and says, "Hey, you wanna kiss?" Haha, sure! So we went over and hungout in the park and made out for a while. Admittedly, there were times where I was kissing her to get her to shut up lol. By far the furthest I've gone on a first date, and it honestly could have gone further. So, after everything last night, I have some mixed feelings :justjen.
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:lol funny how things end up. I couldn't take the hour late on a first date part. I'm a pretty timely person, all of that odd lead up would have turned me off completely, but you stuck through and at least had some fun. I guess just enjoy what she offers and see where it goes.
Went to the Sublime with Rome concert last night with my one friend and we met up with 23yo and her friends. Kind of funny and odd cause she was with may 10 people (all 23) and then it was me and my other 31 year old friend. He was so miserable too that he was kind of a drag, but 23yo was a lot of fun to be around. :hat
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Aw, that's good. I don't even know what Rome is, aside from the city.
Dan, I don't think I would have been as understanding wth all that lateness and stuff either, but glad it ended well!
Things are going well with Ginger and the hubby. I'm going down to the Springs to see Knuckles and that crew tonight, should be fun.
I think the Russian and I are probably done, and I am debating whether I should try to confirm that with him. I haven't heard from him in almost two weeks. Part of that was him going away, but he's gotta be back by now. Part of me thinks it's not worth it, but part thinks we had established too much of a "thing" to just leave it alone. Not that it was serious, obviously, but still. Meh.
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Aw, that's good. I don't even know what Rome is, aside from the city.
Dan, I don't think I would have been as understanding wth all that lateness and stuff either, but glad it ended well!
Things are going well with Ginger and the hubby. I'm going down to the Springs to see Knuckles and that crew tonight, should be fun.
I think the Russian and I are probably done, and I am debating whether I should try to confirm that with him. I haven't heard from him in almost two weeks. Part of that was him going away, but he's gotta be back by now. Part of me thinks it's not worth it, but part thinks we had established too much of a "thing" to just leave it alone. Not that it was serious, obviously, but still. Meh.
Rome is the dude who is fronting Sublime now :P
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Aw, that's good. I don't even know what Rome is, aside from the city.
Dan, I don't think I would have been as understanding wth all that lateness and stuff either, but glad it ended well!
Things are going well with Ginger and the hubby. I'm going down to the Springs to see Knuckles and that crew tonight, should be fun.
I think the Russian and I are probably done, and I am debating whether I should try to confirm that with him. I haven't heard from him in almost two weeks. Part of that was him going away, but he's gotta be back by now. Part of me thinks it's not worth it, but part thinks we had established too much of a "thing" to just leave it alone. Not that it was serious, obviously, but still. Meh.
Rome is the dude who is fronting Sublime now :P
Yup, I believe Brad's family sued them when they came back with Rome and just called themselvs Sublime so now the band name is "Sublime with Rome" which is odd. Saw them at the same venue last summer and had fun so why not again and it was free (from a previous live nation class action suite.... this one actually had awesome concert options).
Also, Jackie, you've been saying for a long time about how Russian doesn't talk and how you should just move on. I guess you can leave it open and maybe if he reaches out then whatever, but mentally I'd say to just forget about him.
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I wish I wasn't the nervous wreck that I am and was able to meet people. Even if it was just for fun. Not even a relationship. Idk. I'm so bad with people.
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I wish I wasn't the nervous wreck that I am and was able to meet people. Even if it was just for fun. Not even a relationship. Idk. I'm so bad with people.
First step to overcome this is to stop thinking this way. Confidence is what you need. I very much doubt you are as bad with people as you think you are. Believe in yourself and put yourself out there.
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The key to meeting someone new is to truly put yourself out there and let people know everything awesome about you, and of course dressing appropriately.
(https://image.spreadshirtmedia.com/image-server/v1/products/1004760286/views/1,width=378,height=378,appearanceId=2,version=1440417743/I-Fuck-On-The-First-Date.png)
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That shirt works especially well for job interviews, I've found.
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So you may recall I was seeing a girl like 2-3 months ago, online. Well, finally met her (again) yesterday. I travelled with my father since the city is kinda dangerous and I'm quite young anyways. We had lunch with her family at a restaurant, but our parents kept doing most of the talking so it was awkward for us both, since we're quite shy. But after it finished I gave her a little gift, one of her favorite albums (Homogenic) - in return, she gave me two little drawings of me and a small figure of the character in the cover of Burial's Untrue. She made it with her own hands - it's really awesome.
So from there we went to a shopping mall to watch a movie. In the way there, she and her brother got up on our car while their parents led the way. I managed to hold her hands and slowly hug her. Then at the cinema things slowly escalated, we were cuddled and finally kissed. Since it was our first time for both, it was a little awkward, I was really nervous and felt she was too, but everything went well in the end - we kissed like 4 times or so, several minutes each.
Then back home, dad was very tired. So, seems her parents really liked me and her brother think I'm a cool guy - so things went better than expected. I hope to visit her for a long weekend next month, hopefully the family will receive me, or at least let me stay at home for a few hours.
All in all, it was an awesome day and has drawn us together more. Jeez, I can still feel her lips. Anyways, sorry for thr rambling, just wanted to update on this in case there was anyone still wondering what happened.
tl;dr met again girl I met on internet that lives 400kms away, parents liked me and we kissed etc. amazing day
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Aaaw, that's sweet. :heart May I ask how old you both are?
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Sounds nice, I guess that's good things are being done under parental supervision for now. I think that was something of concern when you brought this up before with her being very young.
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Aaaw, that's sweet. :heart May I ask how old you both are?
19 me and 15 (soon to be 16) she. Age difference was something that seemed to worry some folks here, and me as well at first, but being very honest, it didn't feel like a barrier or something on this visit, we got along well pretty fast.
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I wish I wasn't the nervous wreck that I am and was able to meet people. Even if it was just for fun. Not even a relationship. Idk. I'm so bad with people.
First step to overcome this is to stop thinking this way. Confidence is what you need. I very much doubt you are as bad with people as you think you are. Believe in yourself and put yourself out there.
I agree with this, but you don't even have to wait for "confidence" or "belief in oneself". It's more basic than that: you CAN be shitty with people, or a dork, or whatever, but it's all piss in the ocean. If you just talk to someone at a bar at random, do you honestly think they are going to ACTIVELY scorn you? Say "hold on a second!" and log into Facebook and talk about the doofus that is trying to talk to them? Not hardly. The worst that will happen is they will ignore you. The best that will happen is that they will talk back, in which case you have hard proof, evidence, that you are interesting.
I used to be so shy that if my class at college started before I got there, I wouldn't walk in. Now, I have no problem talking to someone I don't know. I actually don't mind going to bars by myself because I know I can talk to someone. And now, it's gotten to the point that it's REFRESHING to go by myself, because there is no judgment, if that makes sense.
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I wish I wasn't the nervous wreck that I am and was able to meet people. Even if it was just for fun. Not even a relationship. Idk. I'm so bad with people.
First step to overcome this is to stop thinking this way. Confidence is what you need. I very much doubt you are as bad with people as you think you are. Believe in yourself and put yourself out there.
I agree with this, but you don't even have to wait for "confidence" or "belief in oneself". It's more basic than that: you CAN be shitty with people, or a dork, or whatever, but it's all piss in the ocean. If you just talk to someone at a bar at random, do you honestly think they are going to ACTIVELY scorn you? Say "hold on a second!" and log into Facebook and talk about the doofus that is trying to talk to them? Not hardly. The worst that will happen is they will ignore you. The best that will happen is that they will talk back, in which case you have hard proof, evidence, that you are interesting.
I used to be so shy that if my class at college started before I got there, I wouldn't walk in. Now, I have no problem talking to someone I don't know. I actually don't mind going to bars by myself because I know I can talk to someone. And now, it's gotten to the point that it's REFRESHING to go by myself, because there is no judgment, if that makes sense.
Piggy backing. I don't think confidence is really what you need, and if it is, it's one of the smallest components. What you need is the ability to take a rejection and not let it mess with your head. I always had that problem with girls, and the best part about online dating was that it taught me how to take no as an answer. It's not the end of the world, and when I started thinking about all the people I would reject if they asked me, it put a lot of stuff in perspective. A friend of mine used to say something like "even if only 1 out of 100 girls would sleep with me, all I have to do is say hey to 100 girls in a night and I'm definitely getting laid".
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I wish I wasn't the nervous wreck that I am and was able to meet people. Even if it was just for fun. Not even a relationship. Idk. I'm so bad with people.
First step to overcome this is to stop thinking this way. Confidence is what you need. I very much doubt you are as bad with people as you think you are. Believe in yourself and put yourself out there.
I agree with this, but you don't even have to wait for "confidence" or "belief in oneself". It's more basic than that: you CAN be shitty with people, or a dork, or whatever, but it's all piss in the ocean. If you just talk to someone at a bar at random, do you honestly think they are going to ACTIVELY scorn you? Say "hold on a second!" and log into Facebook and talk about the doofus that is trying to talk to them? Not hardly. The worst that will happen is they will ignore you. The best that will happen is that they will talk back, in which case you have hard proof, evidence, that you are interesting.
I used to be so shy that if my class at college started before I got there, I wouldn't walk in. Now, I have no problem talking to someone I don't know. I actually don't mind going to bars by myself because I know I can talk to someone. And now, it's gotten to the point that it's REFRESHING to go by myself, because there is no judgment, if that makes sense.
Piggy backing. I don't think confidence is really what you need, and if it is, it's one of the smallest components. What you need is the ability to take a rejection and not let it mess with your head. I always had that problem with girls, and the best part about online dating was that it taught me how to take no as an answer. It's not the end of the world, and when I started thinking about all the people I would reject if they asked me, it put a lot of stuff in perspective. A friend of mine used to say something like "even if only 1 out of 100 girls would sleep with me, all I have to do is say hey to 100 girls in a night and I'm definitely getting laid".
But what you are describing is also confidence "the ability to take rejection and not let it mess with your head". But this is true, in dating or attempting to date, you need to accept the fact that you will be rejected, a lot, and that it is not something you should let get to you.
The numbers game is so true too. When I first started the online dating thing, I realized this pretty quick. The first couple months I would only message some girls, and get mostly rejected. I opened up a bit, messaged many more girls and got many more responses (and rejections too) but the numbers are pretty much true. And you won't get to any of this if you don't put yourself out there first.
Which leads me back to confidence, I think you really gain confidence through experience and you only gain experience by putting yourself out there.
As for Stadler and going to bars alone and talking to people... I went to see Slipknot this weekend, alone. I told my mom about it at dinner yesterday and she was like "that must be weird, did you talk to anyone?" "It was really fun and YES I talked to a bunch of people including a cute security girl who I should have continued talking too" It's actually amazing the amount of people I will talk to when I am alone vs. with my friends. The no judgment thing is true.
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The corollary to all of this is: by a large majority, MOST people will not hold it against you for being there alone.
I went to Extreme, and was by myself (aside: it allows you to move up pretty easy). I had moved down to about five rows from the stage on the side, and these two girls sat down next to me. I made a dumb joke to the girl next to me about "don't ask me to show you mine (ticket) and I won't ask to see yours (ticket)" or something like that, and we started talking. I covered the "I like going to shows by myself" and she said something about her boyfriend not liking her music, then to softball, then to... Her friend upped and tried to get down on the floor of the show but the girl next to me stayed.
At the end of the show she grabbed my hand and said "c'mon, you and I are not done with the party". As I was an hour from home and was seeing someone I didn't, and left (it wasn't easy; she wasn't a model but she was cute, and tall, taller than me by about two or three inches, which I like) but nonetheless...
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Nice, and that's the type of thing that will NEVER happen if you don't put yourself out there.
I am going to see Def Leppard alone Wednesday night. Maybe I will have a good story :lol
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Anybody else in this club because the love of their life passed away? It goes way past lonely into whole new category. :( :(
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Anybody else in this club because the love of their life passed away? It goes way past lonely into whole new category. :( :(
Nope. Can't even stomach the thought of it. If I found out that Victoria died unexpectedly, there's like a 95% chance I'd kill myself.
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Anybody else in this club because the love of their life passed away? It goes way past lonely into whole new category. :( :(
Nope. Can't even stomach the thought of it. If I found out that Victoria died unexpectedly, there's like a 95% chance I'd kill myself.
Hey, are you speaking for everybody or just yourself? A reply was only necessary if the answer to my question was true as far as you're concerned. What you said was just flat out dumb.
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You are the first I have seen to be here for that reason, but I don't speak for all just what I've seen. Sorry for your loss, I also cannot imagine the pain you must feel.
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A reply was only necessary if the answer to my question was true as far as you're concerned. What you said was just flat out dumb.
Then a better wording would have been: Raise your hand if you're in the club because the love of your life passed away. If not, sit down and stfu.
There's a lot of dark places a human can find themselves. I've had a hard time with my dark places. That's one dark place I can never imagine being. What Chino said might be "dumb", but the thought is "a whole new category" past loneliness that a lot of people can relate to.
A general word to everyone: Hey bro, don't kill yourself :chill
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I know this isn't the Depressed / Angry thread and that's most of what I do in here... but..
I've been so fucking down lately. Like... I'm not necessarily suicidal but I feel (and it's the worse fucking feeling) completely useless. Not needed. Not wanted. No reason to even keep breathing. Most of it has to do with my whole "relationship" situation, which I really don't wanna go in to details about on in a public setting. There is just no feeling worst to me than knowing that I could die right now and the person who I care about the most wouldn't even bat an eye.
I (was) kinda tentatively asked (by) someone out on a "date?" today at work. She's really cute. Works in the clerical department of my unit. I met her a few months ago when I was randomly shoved into her cubicle to shadow her (because they had no idea what to do with the trainees at that time). We chatted the entire time. Today during my break I was sitting in the shade listing to music and she walked by and invited me to walk with her. So I did. The conversation turned to "what do you do on your weekends when you actually do something?" I told her about my buddy being in a couple different bands and plays various bars in the area. She asked me to let her know when and where I am seeing them next and she'll go with me.
I don't think I will do it though. I am too much of a mess right now. The last thing I wanna do is put myself out there and fuck things up with someone else.
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I know this isn't the Depressed / Angry thread and that's most of what I do in here... but..
I've been so fucking down lately. Like... I'm not necessarily suicidal but I feel (and it's the worse fucking feeling) completely useless. Not needed. Not wanted. No reason to even keep breathing. Most of it has to do with my whole "relationship" situation, which I really don't wanna go in to details about on in a public setting. There is just no feeling worst to me than knowing that I could die right now and the person who I care about the most wouldn't even bat an eye.
I (was) kinda tentatively asked (by) someone out on a "date?" today at work. She's really cute. Works in the clerical department of my unit. I met her a few months ago when I was randomly shoved into her cubicle to shadow her (because they had no idea what to do with the trainees at that time). We chatted the entire time. Today during my break I was sitting in the shade listing to music and she walked by and invited me to walk with her. So I did. The conversation turned to "what do you do on your weekends when you actually do something?" I told her about my buddy being in a couple different bands and plays various bars in the area. She asked me to let her know when and where I am seeing them next and she'll go with me.
I don't think I will do it though. I am too much of a mess right now. The last thing I wanna do is put myself out there and fuck things up with someone else.
You gotta work on yourself man. When we need other people to make us feel good about ourselves, it's only skin deep. Get into therapy if you want (Of course I say this as a therapist) and really get yourself to a healthy place without needing a relationship.
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Amen.
Also, Dubl, that was uncalled for. Sucks that you lost somebody, but doesn't give you license to be rude. He was just sharing his feelings on the subject.
As for what Chino said, I don't think anybody can say for certain how they would react in such a situation if they haven't been there, but killing yourself is generally a bad idea.
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Sorry to hear your down jay, and I can't imagine what you're going through Dubl...my sincere condolences.
I'll also echo that suicide isn't anything to fuck with.
Adami knows what's up.
Speaking as someone who's gone through the ringer the past near-decade, dug myself a cozy grave, crawled into a bottle and lost my mind along the way only to hang on by a thread towards what I thought was the end and am still trying to get it all back... The only time it's over is when you say it's over. My life is still pretty shitty but there's only one thing a certain mindset consisting of nothing but depreciation and depression can bring, and that's more shit. Note that this is in regards to Jay or others feeling down (or not clinically depressed), I'm not about to tell Dubl how to mourn or what is and isn't okay while in that state of mind.
Anyway, it's allllways easier said than done, but I try my damnedest to have a positive state of mind especially when things are shitty. It's the hardest time to do so but it can make all the difference in the world to turning off that shit-covered fan and cleaning things up. Once you're down for the count and are mentally gluing yourself to the floor...it gets dangerous and only makes it that much harder to pick yourself back up. It's rough...because sometimes you just need to be down. I'll get depressed sometimes about my state of life and what I've done to put myself here and revel in it. Then I realize even later I wasted my fuckin' time, made my situation worse by curling into a mental fetal position and then made it even more difficult to get away from the imbalance.
Oh, and there's also nothing more of a turn off (I use the term loosely...more like "repelling") to anyone than a person who's kicking themselves when they're already down or nursing their misery. If it's relationship issues...it's a woefully perfect way for you to create your own worst fear. Or even if you're just single and looking. I'm not saying it's not okay to be down, or go the opposite way and be a happy-go-lucky douchebag king but...y'know, "everything in moderation". Except masturbation.
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I know this isn't the Depressed / Angry thread and that's most of what I do in here... but..
I've been so fucking down lately. Like... I'm not necessarily suicidal but I feel (and it's the worse fucking feeling) completely useless. Not needed. Not wanted. No reason to even keep breathing. Most of it has to do with my whole "relationship" situation, which I really don't wanna go in to details about on in a public setting. There is just no feeling worst to me than knowing that I could die right now and the person who I care about the most wouldn't even bat an eye.
I (was) kinda tentatively asked (by) someone out on a "date?" today at work. She's really cute. Works in the clerical department of my unit. I met her a few months ago when I was randomly shoved into her cubicle to shadow her (because they had no idea what to do with the trainees at that time). We chatted the entire time. Today during my break I was sitting in the shade listing to music and she walked by and invited me to walk with her. So I did. The conversation turned to "what do you do on your weekends when you actually do something?" I told her about my buddy being in a couple different bands and plays various bars in the area. She asked me to let her know when and where I am seeing them next and she'll go with me.
I don't think I will do it though. I am too much of a mess right now. The last thing I wanna do is put myself out there and fuck things up with someone else.
You gotta work on yourself man. When we need other people to make us feel good about ourselves, it's only skin deep. Get into therapy if you want (Of course I say this as a therapist) and really get yourself to a healthy place without needing a relationship.
This. I would also advice to start meditating. Once I started doing it on a regular basis, I became much calmer and more relaxed. It was like a breath of fresh air, after being down for almost a year.
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I know this isn't the Depressed / Angry thread and that's most of what I do in here... but..
I've been so fucking down lately. Like... I'm not necessarily suicidal but I feel (and it's the worse fucking feeling) completely useless. Not needed. Not wanted. No reason to even keep breathing. Most of it has to do with my whole "relationship" situation, which I really don't wanna go in to details about on in a public setting. There is just no feeling worst to me than knowing that I could die right now and the person who I care about the most wouldn't even bat an eye.
I (was) kinda tentatively asked (by) someone out on a "date?" today at work. She's really cute. Works in the clerical department of my unit. I met her a few months ago when I was randomly shoved into her cubicle to shadow her (because they had no idea what to do with the trainees at that time). We chatted the entire time. Today during my break I was sitting in the shade listing to music and she walked by and invited me to walk with her. So I did. The conversation turned to "what do you do on your weekends when you actually do something?" I told her about my buddy being in a couple different bands and plays various bars in the area. She asked me to let her know when and where I am seeing them next and she'll go with me.
I don't think I will do it though. I am too much of a mess right now. The last thing I wanna do is put myself out there and fuck things up with someone else.
I empathize with you completely. For the last year, since my girlfriend walked out on me, I've been in this on again/off again funk that doesn't seem to want to disappear permanently. The last thing you need to do is get involved with someone with the intentions of hoping for something serious.
At the same time, there's nothing wrong with hanging out with her. Going out on a date isn't the same as wedding bells playing. Nobody is saying it has to turn into something serious. Hang out with her and see how it makes you feel. Maybe you're just bored with things and tired of living a mundane life.
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I know this isn't the Depressed / Angry thread and that's most of what I do in here... but..
I've been so fucking down lately. Like... I'm not necessarily suicidal but I feel (and it's the worse fucking feeling) completely useless. Not needed. Not wanted. No reason to even keep breathing. Most of it has to do with my whole "relationship" situation, which I really don't wanna go in to details about on in a public setting. There is just no feeling worst to me than knowing that I could die right now and the person who I care about the most wouldn't even bat an eye.
I (was) kinda tentatively asked (by) someone out on a "date?" today at work. She's really cute. Works in the clerical department of my unit. I met her a few months ago when I was randomly shoved into her cubicle to shadow her (because they had no idea what to do with the trainees at that time). We chatted the entire time. Today during my break I was sitting in the shade listing to music and she walked by and invited me to walk with her. So I did. The conversation turned to "what do you do on your weekends when you actually do something?" I told her about my buddy being in a couple different bands and plays various bars in the area. She asked me to let her know when and where I am seeing them next and she'll go with me.
I don't think I will do it though. I am too much of a mess right now. The last thing I wanna do is put myself out there and fuck things up with someone else.
Didn't you just get a new job, and now at this new job you got a cute girl that wants to hang out or go on a date?! You got things GOING for you!
IMO you got to cut lose the things tying you down. It'll be such a liberating feelings when you walk away from whatever viral relationship you have. I know you said you don't want to talk about it, but you are going to have to face this at some point. I know, I lived with my ex for 2 years absolutely miserable. It took so long for me to get the courage to end it. Best decision of my life. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Go spend time with the girl who WANTS to spend time with YOU. That's an amazing thing right there, and you just said the other day:
I wish I wasn't the nervous wreck that I am and was able to meet people. Even if it was just for fun. Not even a relationship. Idk. I'm so bad with people.
And without trying you got some interest. I get it that you may not be in the right state of mind, but you never will be unless you face this and do what you need to do. Which I guess seeing a Therapist is a good start. You got to talk about your issues and if you don't want to share here (my opinion is only based on the little info I have) then you should go see a therapist and talk in confidentiality and figure this out... which I fully believe you can do.
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The only time it's over is when you say it's over.
Trautman: It's over Johnny.
Rambo: Nothing is over! Nothing!
Anyway, it's allllways easier said than done, but I try my damnedest to have a positive state of mind especially when things are shitty.
I'd love to hear what Adami says, because he IS a therapist, I just play one on TV, but this is really important. I went through a dark time just before my divorce, and part of what helped me through is I literally "planned" for happy time. Meaning, I would work until x pm, I would go and get dinner (sometimes) and I would plan on, say, 7 to 9 pm to be "happy". And that could be going to a bar, that could be the dinner (why the "sometimes") or whatever made sense. But it was a focused thing, and I would make sure the music was Genesis or Yes, and not Black Sabbath or Alice in Chains, and usually I would make sure I was in the company of people. I was in Erie, PA, so I knew what bars had trivia or pool so there was a chance to be interactive.
But studies have shown you CAN, to a degree, "program" your mood. It doesn't always work, but it certainly is better than sitting home wallowing in your sorrow and wishing for what could be.
To *@JayOctavarium, I don't suggest playing with that girl's emotions, or leading her on or anything like that, but what could it hurt to go see a band and have some cute company? You're not eloping. Just have one rule (and I'm stealing this from Uncle George): NO DISCUSSING RELATIONSHIPS YOU ARE CURRENTLY IN. Talk about the weather, talk about her outfit, talk about the band, talk about how watered down the drinks are, talk about Beyonce's ass if that's what it takes. But DO NOT bring your baggage out to the club.
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But studies have shown you CAN, to a degree, "program" your mood. It doesn't always work, but it certainly is better than sitting home wallowing in your sorrow and wishing for what could be.
I didn't know this, but I believe it. If you tell yourself something enough you will start to believe it. If you keep telling yourself how miserable you are.... well you will be miserable. Think of the good things... new job, cute girl interested in you, the ice cream for desert tonight will be delicious... whatever it is, just got to think positively.
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Yeah, we definitely have a certain amount of control over our thoughts and emotions if we pay more attention to them. I'm a much more positive person than I used to be, generally. But at the same time, some things we just can't control. Also, nothing wrong with wallowing occasionally, as long as it doesn't carry on too long. Trying to be happy all the time is unrealistic... and kind of boring.
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Yeah, we definitely have a certain amount of control over our thoughts and emotions if we pay more attention to them. I'm a much more positive person than I used to be, generally. But at the same time, some things we just can't control. Also, nothing wrong with wallowing occasionally, as long as it doesn't carry on too long. Trying to be happy all the time is unrealistic... and kind of boring.
Totally, you got to take the ups with the downs. You can't just ignore the bad times. It's fine to be sad and to reflect about why you are sad and understand that, but you can't live your life in that state. And you can't just bury your emotions. It's all about finding a happy medium.
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When I was clinically depressed, one of the things I would tell myself is, "It could be worse." SO MANY people have actual real terrible shit lives. Just because X and Y aren't lined up in my life doesn't mean it couldn't be WAY fucking worse!
And I don't want to minimize anyone's feelings. But, I think people should minimize their OWN feelings from time to time. You see so much hate and sorrow around you, and all of these people embrace the misery, and want you to participate with them. FUCK THAT! Sometimes you have to make an effort to be happy. Whether that's going out, listening to music, smoking a J. And remember that some people have it worse.
(I realize this doesn't apply to those people that "have it worse")
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And I don't want to minimize anyone's feelings. But, I think people should minimize their OWN feelings from time to time. You see so much hate and sorrow around you, and all of these people embrace the misery, and want you to participate with them. FUCK THAT! Sometimes you have to make an effort to be happy. Whether that's going out, listening to music, smoking a J. And remember that some people have it worse.
Fuck yea. Misery loves company but I refuse to join that crowd, I'd rather be smoking a J at a concert :hat
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(https://i64.tinypic.com/2j64s49.jpg)
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So I mentioned the chick I went out with on Friday. I've been chatting with her, and just last night mentioned maybe doing something again at the end of the week. BUT, I've got building apprehensions. First, and cram will appreciate this, she lives almost an hour away. Not the worst thing in the world, but definitely worth considering, especially if she's ever late like she was. Second, she's a bit crazy for me, personality wise. She's certainly not boring, I'm just not sure I can handle all the talking, the hard to read texts, the ridiculous tangents and incomplete thoughts. It's kinda exhausting just texting with her. Not to mention, the majority of our date was me kinda spacing out and smiling and nodding as she talked about random shit that has nothing to do with anything. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate her being herself, and it's not always fun for the first dates to be interviews. It just didn't seem like our conversation brought us any closer. And finally, she doesn't really have any friends. She's lived down here for a year and half. She's telling me how she doesn't do ANYTHING, cuz she doesn't have any friends to do stuff with. Echoing what we've been talking about, she's got a lot of personality and is pretty damn cool, she just doesn't make an effort to get out and meet people.
So those things have me apprehensive about moving forward at all, even just for fun. I don't want her to get too attached if it's not gonna go anywhere. And I can totally tell from her words that she's really into me. Pity is not a good reason to date somebody, even casually. Not that I really pity her, I'm just familiar with where she is in life and am aware of the damage that can be done if I choose to be selfish and only worry about myself. I'm considering slowly breaching the subject, by talking about distance concerns and not wanting something serious. Maybe she'll be down with only seeing each other on occasion for fun.
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Yea, I mean if you two have some sexual attraction and you lay down the expectations then that's cool I'd think... but everything in that first paragraph makes me want to run from her.
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I'd love to hear what Adami says, because he IS a therapist, I just play one on TV, but this is really important.
If you'd really like to know, feel free to shoot me a PM. Saying it in this thread feels like trying to tell someone in a crowded loud bar why excessive alcohol might not be healthy.
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Yea, I mean if you two have some sexual attraction and you lay down the expectations then that's cool I'd think... but everything in that first paragraph makes me want to run from her.
Yeah, she seems overwhelming! Maybe not long term potential but could be fun?
Sooo I finally gave in and texted Russian because it was bothering me. Last night I sent "Soo, you still interested or should I lose your number?"
Today he replied "I'm sorry, I've been freaking out over a looming deadline in August. I'm not sure we're the best match romantically, but I'm being a social hermit right now anyways. When does winter start??"
Huh, okay. After talking it out with Ginger I decided I would reply and ask why he thought that. I said I thought we had been having fun but was sorry the feeling wasn't mutual, and then some stupid thing about winter since he had brought it up. After not seeing him for ages it's not like I'm incredibly upset, but I WAS feeling a lot of chemistry when we were together so I'm a bit confused. I think there's about a 12% chance he will respond in the next week, but I feel better that I put it out there regardless. I'm frankly tired of keeping my mouth shut about everything so as not to rock the boat. Also tired of shitty shitty communication and that attitude of "maybe it will go away if you ignore it." Oh well, another one bites the dust.
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He seems to be an introvert Jackie and you are not that at all. Time to move on.
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He seems to be an introvert Jackie and you are not that at all. Time to move on.
My wife an I have the introvert/extrovert thing going on, and neither of us are close to the middle of the spectrum. But...friction creates sparks!
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Yes but they can't get the rocks together to start the sparks! :lol
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I would say that's inaccurate, actually. I'm a very social introvert, and he seems to be the same way. We both require a lot of alone time but do well with people. I wasn't trying to hang out all the time or demand much of him at all. *shrug*
In any event, he did reply. He said "It was super fun and you are too, but I feel like we don't have a lot in common outside of great sex. I've been spending my free time climbing and backpacking. I even turned down a blatant booty call to do it last weekend :P"
Meh. We actually had a bunch of stuff in common and considering he had practically no free time I dunno wtf he was looking for, so I kinda feel like he's bullshitting me a bit, but it's fine. I feel better after putting it out there. After that I basically just told him to take care and now I can was my hands of it. I feel a bit silly for being as concerned as I was about it, and shit like this makes me question my own gut, which I hate.
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Jackie, I think you are wrong about yourself. You tend to let it all hang out and you are honest about it. It's refreshing.
I assumed the sex was good since you were dealing with the lack of communication.
You are more open and honest than you give yourself credit.
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I think we saw that coming Jackie, sadly. By him saying he was spending free time climbing and backpacking (and not responding to you) it seems pretty clear he was bullshitting the excuse a bit IMO. He probably was honest though about just not being interested romantically, but I thought thats part polyamory? I know I don't understand this lifestyle completely, but I feel like if he enjoyed sex and wasn't interested romantically, then that would be fine? Also part of why I think he is bullshitting. Also, I find the comment about turning down a booty call to be pretty dickish, especially given the context of the conversation (although maybe this is just how you two talk and its all good). Time to move on, you got bigger and better things to worry about.
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I think we saw that coming Jackie, sadly. By him saying he was spending free time climbing and backpacking (and not responding to you) it seems pretty clear he was bullshitting the excuse a bit IMO. He probably was honest though about just not being interested romantically, but I thought thats part polyamory? I know I don't understand this lifestyle completely, but I feel like if he enjoyed sex and wasn't interested romantically, then that would be fine? Also part of why I think he is bullshitting. Also, I find the comment about turning down a booty call to be pretty dickish, especially given the context of the conversation (although maybe this is just how you two talk and its all good). Time to move on, you got bigger and better things to worry about.
I can almost unequivocally say that he was trying to walk the line of being truthful and being respectful. We've (not Jackie and me, but the group here) have talked about this multiple times. Some people are just not able or willing to deliver hard truths in a blunt way. I don't think that's a bad thing, but it does require some ability to accept ambiguity on our part. I've talked about the woman who ghosted me a couple years ago, and I'm convinced it was as simple as "I found someone I more wanted to take a chance with, and didn't want to come off as a complete whore bitch".
More of a question, though I think I know the answer, but isn't "introvert/extrovert" much more complicated than "shy/outgoing"? I thought you could be a loudmouth introvert and a shy, reserved extrovert, as it's more about how you think about your relationships and communications?
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More of a question, though I think I know the answer, but isn't "introvert/extrovert" much more complicated than "shy/outgoing"? I thought you could be a loudmouth introvert and a shy, reserved extrovert, as it's more about how you think about your relationships and communications?
Oh yeah, absolutely. The introvert/extrovert thing just comes down to where you get most of your energy from - socializing with other people or being at yourself. In essence, where you reload your batteries. For example, I consider myself an introvert and one of the things I love the most is performing music live - but afterwards, I feel tired as all hell and kind of want everybody to leave me the hell alone. :lol
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More of a question, though I think I know the answer, but isn't "introvert/extrovert" much more complicated than "shy/outgoing"? I thought you could be a loudmouth introvert and a shy, reserved extrovert, as it's more about how you think about your relationships and communications?
Oh yeah, absolutely. The introvert/extrovert thing just comes down to where you get most of your energy from - socializing with other people or being at yourself. In essence, where you reload your batteries. For example, I consider myself an introvert and one of the things I love the most is performing music live - but afterwards, I feel tired as all hell and kind of want everybody to leave me the hell alone. :lol
That's me too; I score as an "introvert" on almost every personality test I've taken (and I've taken a LOT between work and school), and yet I don't mind at all being the center of attention, and even like it in degrees. As you said, though, it's exhausting and my energy usually comes from sitting quietly with my wife or by myself playing my guitar or reading.
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I think we saw that coming Jackie, sadly. By him saying he was spending free time climbing and backpacking (and not responding to you) it seems pretty clear he was bullshitting the excuse a bit IMO. He probably was honest though about just not being interested romantically, but I thought thats part polyamory? I know I don't understand this lifestyle completely, but I feel like if he enjoyed sex and wasn't interested romantically, then that would be fine? Also part of why I think he is bullshitting. Also, I find the comment about turning down a booty call to be pretty dickish, especially given the context of the conversation (although maybe this is just how you two talk and its all good). Time to move on, you got bigger and better things to worry about.
I can almost unequivocally say that he was trying to walk the line of being truthful and being respectful. We've (not Jackie and me, but the group here) have talked about this multiple times. Some people are just not able or willing to deliver hard truths in a blunt way. I don't think that's a bad thing, but it does require some ability to accept ambiguity on our part. I've talked about the woman who ghosted me a couple years ago, and I'm convinced it was as simple as "I found someone I more wanted to take a chance with, and didn't want to come off as a complete whore bitch".
Yeah, you're probably right... but the more I think about that the more it annoys me that he left me hanging for so long. I was trying to make plans with him for two weeks before the communication stopped, and he kept sort of saying he wanted to but was busy. I'm annoyed that I wasted time and energy that could have gone elsewhere.
But, yknow, it also makes me think about my own actions in similar situations and wanting to be more up front with people so as not to be a dick like that.
Cram, I think the booty call part of the message was kind of dick, too. And yeah, I don't see why having fun and good sex is a problem, either. I'm wondering if he started seeing somebody else and isn't as poly as he thought.
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But, yknow, it also makes me think about my own actions in similar situations and wanting to be more up front with people so as not to be a dick like that.
I think about this all of the time. Essentially do unto others as you would want done to you. I really just wanted to take the easy route and say to Tennesse last week, "Not interested, goodbye" but she actually asked why and was always so genuine to me, so I was genuine back. She was sooooo nice about it. I think the last few girls I ended things with all had very similar reactions, "it's so refreshing for someone to actually be upfront about ending things"
Anyway, hanging out with 23yo tonight :yarr
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Going to go hang out with that chick from work tomorrow. It's not a date or anything. She kinda knows my situation. But the fact that she wants to hang makes me feel good.
Sadly she told me that she accepted a job at another office and will be leaving soon.
Just my luck... I make a friend and they leave.
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Going to go hang out with that chick from work tomorrow. It's not a date or anything. She kinda knows my situation. But the fact that she wants to hang makes me feel good.
Sadly she told me that she accepted a job at another office and will be leaving soon.
Just my luck... I make a friend and they leave.
Is she moving because of this job? Her switching to another place wouldn't be the worst thing. Dating someone you work with sucks the majority of the time.
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Going to go hang out with that chick from work tomorrow. It's not a date or anything. She kinda knows my situation. But the fact that she wants to hang makes me feel good.
Sadly she told me that she accepted a job at another office and will be leaving soon.
Just my luck... I make a friend and they leave.
Is she moving because of this job? Her switching to another place wouldn't be the worst thing. Dating someone you work with sucks the majority of the time.
True, even though this may not be a date, her leaving actually opens things up for you two to date because dating in the same office is not typically a good thing. Hey, maybe thats even why she took the other job ;)
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Intraoffice romances very rarely work.
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But, yknow, it also makes me think about my own actions in similar situations and wanting to be more up front with people so as not to be a dick like that.
I think about this all of the time. Essentially do unto others as you would want done to you.
I made plans tonight with Crazy Chick. Now I'm not sure, but I THINK I regret it. It all has to do with this idea of treating someone with mutual respect. It's a 1.5 hour round trip to hangout with someone I don't really see myself enjoying spending time with. Sure, there's a sexual attraction. But if I say that's enough here, it makes me feel like I'm deceiving her or being selfish.
Edit: Just walked my dog and thought about it. Yeah... definitely don't wanna go. Time to man up and be honest. Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit, but I'm a little apprehensive cuz she hasn't struck me as the most emotionally stable person.
Intraoffice romances very rarely work.
If you're interested in more than friendship, it's definitely a good thing.
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But, yknow, it also makes me think about my own actions in similar situations and wanting to be more up front with people so as not to be a dick like that.
I think about this all of the time. Essentially do unto others as you would want done to you.
I made plans tonight with Crazy Chick. Now I'm not sure, but I THINK I regret it. It all has to do with this idea of treating someone with mutual respect. It's a 1.5 hour round trip to hangout with someone I don't really see myself enjoying spending time with. Sure, there's a sexual attraction. But if I say that's enough here, it makes me feel like I'm deceiving her or being selfish.
Edit: Just walked my dog and thought about it. Yeah... definitely don't wanna go. Time to man up and be honest. Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit, but I'm a little apprehensive cuz she hasn't struck me as the most emotionally stable person.
Well, it's friday night go out and try to enjoy it, but if you do feel like it's not worth the effort and it's not what you are looking for then just end it. I hate it when a girl drags me a long, so I try not to do that once I come to realization that it's not right for me. But the other end is that maybe you are playing on house money, you got nothing to lose to just be honest and say, hey I don't think we are compatible for anything serious, but you are hot and im horny so want to have fun? :lol
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I like that plan :lol. I'm basically gonna take a crack at that. I canceled tonight cuz I just didn't want to go, but I didn't end anything yet. One step at a time. I think tomorrow I'm just gonna bring it up and see where it goes. What's the worst that can happen? Got nothing to lose here, that's for sure.
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So I think I was stood up. It's almost 130. She was suppose to be here at 9. No call. No text. I'm incredibly drilunk. I guess I'm just not worth the time l.
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That is horseshit! Did you ever hear anything??
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She said there was a chance that she was not gonna go. But I just thought if that were the case.. I'd get a text or something. Which I didn't. I mean... I had fun... It was my buddy's band. His GF was there and we both got shit faced together. But still. . . Feels bad..
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Not gonna let this happen again. Opened up and made plans with someone and got. Fucked. Not even literally. Fuck it.
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Not gonna let this happen again. Opened up and made plans with someone and got. Fucked. Not even literally. Fuck it.
Okay, here's what's up. First, that's fucking shitty. If you two actually made plans, then she did the wrong thing. If you guys had tentative plans, "Oh your friends band is playing? I'll try and come out, but I might not make it." She still should have at least shot you a text. So before you swear off women forever, think about what "plans" you had. If she still fails the decent human test, then treat her accordingly. You see us talking about this very subject right now: the respectable way to treat other human beings. So while it's easy to see from our real world complaints, some people are short sighted, or immature, or simply too weak to do what's right. But, you should also recognize that WE are aware and consciously do our best to treat other people with respect. Unfortunately, some people just suck. This isn't going to change. BUT, some people out there don't suck, and on top of that, might actually be cool people. If you don't give them a chance, you'll never know who's who. And if someone ends up sucking, then fuck 'em! Who cares what they think about anything, anyways?
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Not gonna let this happen again. Opened up and made plans with someone and got. Fucked. Not even literally. Fuck it.
While that was totally dick of her, this is not the end for you. Got to get back up and try again. Easier said than done, but like we talked about, failures will happen and you got to roll with the punches sometimes.
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Holy hangovers batman.
When I see her Monday I'm just gonna causually be like "Hey you missed a great show.." and leave it at that. I had a feeling she wasn't gonna show up... She mentioned not sleeping well the might before... But like I've said a text would have been killer. I'm just lucky my buddy's gf was there (whom I'm also really good friends with- introduced them years ago) because w/out her it would have truly been a shitty fucking night.
Hell even if she just got nervous and chickened out (she's kinda shy... Introverted like me... Social situations are meh)... Just a simple text would have be sufficient.
Ok I'm gonna try to go back to sleep. Haha
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Yeah that blows but it sounds like she didn't completely fuck you over (as in the plans weren't solid)... she should have texted, but considering the context she may have passed out or something.
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I feel bad for getting upset last night (even though she'll never know I was).
I was just excited and then... Bam.
Oh well.
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I feel bad for getting upset last night (even though she'll never know I was).
I was just excited and then... Bam.
Oh well.
You're thinking too much into this. You don't know what happened. Maybe she fell asleep early. Wait to see what happened first. Besides all of that, she barely knows you. Even though it would have been nice to get a text, she doesn't owe you anything. She said she might not go, so that was your warning. Don't write her off so capriciously.
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I feel bad for getting upset last night (even though she'll never know I was).
I was just excited and then... Bam.
Oh well.
I understand that feeling completely. In that very moment, it can be so disappointing it ruins the entire evening. The best thing to do is to give it some time and realize that maybe it isn't big a deal and move on. Yeah, people suck sometimes but that's life. She may even have a completely valid excuse.
As for me, I was on a very successfull date this weekend. We had a coffee together and ended up talking for hours on end, in a way I've hardly ever done with anyone. As me, she is introverted but also a gamer, a feminist and very interested in politics. I feel like we really understood each other.
I only have her Facebook and I wrote her a message yesterday that she haven't responded to yet, which makes me nervous. Probably nothing to be nervous about, she doesn't even have Facebook on her phone. :lol But you know that feeling when you've had an awesome date and you just want validation that it wasn't all in your own head...
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I've been talking to a woman for the past week. She lives in Bayonne. So far it seems to be going well. She's really nice and seems to be a good person, but right now I'm just trying to get to know her before coming to any conclusions.
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Not gonna let this happen again. Opened up and made plans with someone and got. Fucked. Not even literally. Fuck it.
Stop with that. What she did is on HER, not you, and reflective of HER not you. I can almost unequivocally wager that her thought process was NOT about "Oh, man that Jay, what a tool, I think I'm going to just not show, purposefully not send a text, and just do whatever I can to trample his emotions like the crepe paper they are made out of". No. Her thought process was "ME ME ME ME ME long drive ME ME ME ME ME what if I got ice cream ME ME ME ME ME hmm, maybe I'll get sushi ME ME ME ME ME... oh, wait, it's 11:00? I'm not going out now ME ME ME ME ME I me mine ME ME ME ME ME."
You can't win if you don't play. You can't play if you think you're defeated before you ever take the field. Gene Simmons - the great Gene Simmons, he of more women than you, me, Cram, and Jackie combined times five has repeatedly said "everyone gets a "no". Keep asking other girls until you get a "yes". It doesn't matter how many "no's" you get, you only need one "yes"."
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I feel bad for getting upset last night (even though she'll never know I was).
I was just excited and then... Bam.
Oh well.
You're thinking too much into this. You don't know what happened. Maybe she fell asleep early. Wait to see what happened first. Besides all of that, she barely knows you. Even though it would have been nice to get a text, she doesn't owe you anything. She said she might not go, so that was your warning. Don't write her off so capriciously.
Am I the only one that feels like maybe even hoping for the text is too much? What, really, did she owe you, Jay? I don't say this to be mean, but to highlight that the expectations are YOURS not hers. It's not easy, granted, but just take each moment for what it is: a moment. Live in that moment. If she shows, yay, if she doesn't, talk to the next girl that stands next to you.
Don't put all this weight and baggage on each and every encounter. Even saying "thank god my friend's GF was there" is too much expectation. So what if she wasn't there? Listen to a good band, and like I said, say something stupid to whatever girl is standing next to you (even if she has a boyfriend). Just talk to people. Doesn't matter how dumb or stupid it is, because you'll either never see them again, or if you do see them again it's because they WANT to see you (in which case, what you said isn't that stupid anymore).
Do you know how many times I started talking to a girl, and ended up with the friend's phone number? Either because they were seeing someone or they left early or they were obnoxious and I ended up saying something stupid to them? You got to let a moment develop instead of having everything planned out to a T.
"Man plans, God laughs".
EDIT: I just read Prog Snob's note, so, no, it isn't just me.
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I hadn't heard from her all weekend. This morning I sent her a text that says "HAPPY MONDAY!" (Which I send to a couple people on Monday Mornings...).
She proceeded to blow up my phone chit chatting. Then came over to my cubicle when she took her break to see if I wanted to take break as well and walk with her. And then messaged me at like 1130 asking if I'd let her buy me lunch.. Which I accepted (and told her I got lunch next monday). We spent her entire lunch waiting in line at Panda Express... (she gets 30min. I get an hour). When we got back she hurried up to her desk (which is on the other side of the floor from mine... literally couldn't get much further away). I then receive a text telling me I forgot my fortune cookie. After my lunch I came back up to find a fortune cookie sitting on my desk.
And then at 3ish when she took her break... she again came by and asked if I wanted to go with her. Which I did.
And since then (It's almost 930 pm) she's been texting me like non stop.
*shrugs*
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*Stadler knocking sense into me*
You are very much right. I won't let it happen again... and by this time I mean I won't let myself get so worked up over it. I may be going to see my buddy play in his other band at a little bar that's like a 5 min drive from her house on Saturday. If I do.. I may or may not invite her and It won't be so bad if she doesn't show up.
And I have gone to his shows completely alone and had a good time. I had just gotten a thing in my head on Friday and got so built up that the breaking down really sucked. I WILL say I've seen too many fights break out at these shows started by drunk bf's going after dudes talking to their ladies... so I am very iffy about doing that. Lol
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^^^ If it helps, I totally know about the "buildup" and it's not as if I am immune to it. In an odd way, the more rejection you get (and get comfortable with) the less "buildup" there is.
But, and not to change my tune, but your last post DOES seem to indicate she into you in some form or fashion. I'm not there, I can't tell if it's "friend zone", but you're in SOME zone, that's for sure. ;)
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You have to know the girl. Some want you to take the initiative, others don't need to wait for you. It's up to you to figure that out.
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Well.. We've taken our relationship to the next level. She's got me walking with her not only one lunch (3 quarters of a mile around our little business complex) but now also around then county government center (across the street technically, even though my building is essentially a satellite building for the center) and that's a good couple miles. And fucking books it too. My legs are actually sore.
She also asked if I'd join her after work to walk as well. I told her I may start... But I've gotta work my way back up to that. Lol.
And I may be going to another show on Saturday (or to a bowling tournament or both). Depending on the situation I may see if she wants to come hang out. It's closer to her house... The only thing is Jenna (panda) may want to come. That'd... Be awkward.
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Don't make yourself a shit sandwich, now. :yarr
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Well.. We've taken our relationship to the next level. She's got me walking with her not only one lunch (3 quarters of a mile around our little business complex) but now also around then county government center (across the street technically, even though my building is essentially a satellite building for the center) and that's a good couple miles. And fucking books it too. My legs are actually sore.
She also asked if I'd join her after work to walk as well. I told her I may start... But I've gotta work my way back up to that. Lol.
And I may be going to another show on Saturday (or to a bowling tournament or both). Depending on the situation I may see if she wants to come hang out. It's closer to her house... The only thing is Jenna (panda) may want to come. That'd... Be awkward.
Then you should be forthright about it before it's too late.
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So a few days ago I mentioned to her that my buddy was playing another show.. With his country band tonight. Nothing else was really said. Fast forward to today.. Was bowling in a tournament and was gonna go to the show. She texted me half way through the tournament and told me she forgot about the show.. And asked if I was going. I said yea.. I'll be there at 10 after the tourney. She said cool.. She will come by. Well let's see if she shows. It's 11.
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She never showed. It's ok though. Still enjoyed myself.. Still kind of a bummer. At least last time it was understandable since the bar was a bit of a drive. This time the place was pretty much down the street from her house (I don't know where she specifically lives but I do know the part of town.)
Meh
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How about you invite her to hang out with just you instead of a big public event she doesn't have to commit to?
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How about you invite her to hang out with just you instead of a big public event she doesn't have to commit to?
True, maybe a buddy's concert isn't really something she wants to do. Worth a shot, grab dinner, see a movie, go for a walk in the park.
Not really a date story, but kind of similar to what has been discussed in this thread about having to put yourself out there. I went to see 311 alone last weekend. I saw a nice spot along the guard rail in front of the sound guys dead center of the venue. I asked the lady standing there if it's cool if I chill in the spot next to her. She says, that's spot is for her friend who was standing in front of her, but as long as she didn't want to back rest of the rail, I could chill there. We shook hands and proceeded to just enjoy the concert. A few songs later the three of us are singing and dancing together. I ended up chilling with the two girls the entire concert. Had such a blast with two strangers who kind of took me in as their own friend. Towards the end, the one girl said one of the coolest things to me, "Who are you here with?" she asks and she knew the answer, but before I could say anything she says "You are here with us" ;D After the concert the girl tells me the bar she works at and that I am welcome to come chill there with her whenever. Granted this is in Philly so that'll never happen. We hugged after the concert and went our separate ways. Point being, sometimes you got to just let loose a bit and let your guard down and you never know what can happen.
As for an actual date, 23yo just left my house. We hung out for a few hours this afternoon just watching TV. We were thinking of doing a hike, but the heat is just killer out here.
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How about you invite her to hang out with just you instead of a big public event she doesn't have to commit to?
Well both these events I told her I was going to and she basically said she'd love to come too. I'm gonna give the other a shot sometime this week. Just her a and I chilling.
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Cram, that's awesome! Sounds like a blast. I met some cute guys at the Motet show who happened to be Steven Wilson fans but we didn't exchange info, they just said they'd see me at the show in November :lol
Jay, I think you should definitely do that- ask her to hang alone. Even if she'd love to go to the show, it's an easy thing to flake on.
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Cram, that's awesome! Sounds like a blast. I met some cute guys at the Motet show who happened to be Steven Wilson fans but we didn't exchange info, they just said they'd see me at the show in November :lol
Jay, I think you should definitely do that- ask her to hang alone. Even if she'd love to go to the show, it's an easy thing to flake on.
Nice! and agreed, a concert at a bar is pretty easy to bail on. It's also not a good spot to bring someone if you want to chat typically as it'll likely be loud.
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How about you invite her to hang out with just you instead of a big public event she doesn't have to commit to?
True, maybe a buddy's concert isn't really something she wants to do. Worth a shot, grab dinner, see a movie, go for a walk in the park.
Not really a date story, but kind of similar to what has been discussed in this thread about having to put yourself out there. I went to see 311 alone last weekend. I saw a nice spot along the guard rail in front of the sound guys dead center of the venue. I asked the lady standing there if it's cool if I chill in the spot next to her. She says, that's spot is for her friend who was standing in front of her, but as long as she didn't want to back rest of the rail, I could chill there. We shook hands and proceeded to just enjoy the concert. A few songs later the three of us are singing and dancing together. I ended up chilling with the two girls the entire concert. Had such a blast with two strangers who kind of took me in as their own friend. Towards the end, the one girl said one of the coolest things to me, "Who are you here with?" she asks and she knew the answer, but before I could say anything she says "You are here with us" ;D After the concert the girl tells me the bar she works at and that I am welcome to come chill there with her whenever. Granted this is in Philly so that'll never happen. We hugged after the concert and went our separate ways. Point being, sometimes you got to just let loose a bit and let your guard down and you never know what can happen.
As for an actual date, 23yo just left my house. We hung out for a few hours this afternoon just watching TV. We were thinking of doing a hike, but the heat is just killer out here.
What bar in Philly?
I love those kind of stories. That happens to me a fair amount (and it's one of the few things I miss now that I'm married; can't always follow the thread where it goes when you're married).
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Maybe I'm more lenient, but I wouldn't at all hold her not showing against her. If she bailed on YOU, on a planned date, that's a different story, but a general agreement to be where you are going to be anyway whether she's there or not? I wouldn't.*
* Unless it's chronic, and after you get exclusive, you tell her "THIS BOTHERS ME" and she STILL does it. Then I would make it an issue.
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What bar in Philly?
I love those kind of stories. That happens to me a fair amount (and it's one of the few things I miss now that I'm married; can't always follow the thread where it goes when you're married).
Don't remember, being that I don't live near there I didn't bother attempting to actually remember what bar she said or ask her for more info.
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I asked her face to face if everything was ok and kinda asked why she bailed on Saturday. She just changed the subject. Meh. I'm over it. I'll chill with her during break at work and text her but that's it.
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I asked her face to face if everything was ok and kinda asked why she bailed on Saturday. She just changed the subject. Meh. I'm over it. I'll chill with her during break at work and text her but that's it.
Fuck that. I'm glad you just approached her and asked though. Takes balls to ask those types of questions sometimes.
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Regardless of whether a bar is a good place to meet up or not, she said she would be there, and didn't show. That's a flake for you.
Don't ask her to anything again. There's no need to inflate her ego, and make her feel like she's the only game in town.
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I think a girl at my new job likes me? I'm not sure. Very attractive Mexican girl, just thought I'd point that out. Not that either of those, being Mexican or being attractive, are relevant.
I work a sales position where there's a lot of downtime in the store if there aren't any customers. We contract our cleaning and there are other positions that stock merchandise, so we just chit-chat if it's a slow day. Anyway, [Girl] and I have had a lot of time to talk at the store and, as it turns out, we have a lot in common. We've been getting to know each other a lot better and talking more and more.
This is where it gets a bit sketchy for me. She has a very playful, almost flirtatious, personality type, but it feels like moreso with me than with others. I've made this mistake in the past, so I'm trying not to jump to conclusions or to infer too much. When we're waiting for customers, we generally line up along the wall so whoever's first in line can open the door for the next customer, then we all move up, so on and so forth. When she's in line next to me, she'll come up and lean on me, or she'll stand right beside me and lean her bodyweight on to me in the form of a kind of "push," expecting me to just prop her up or push her back in sort of a rocking motion or what have you. Or sometimes she'll walk past me and give me a small shove. Just little things like that. Earlier today, she doodled my name on my arm with a pen.
I walked into the back and one of the other guys said "So Im thinkin' that [Girl] kinda has a thing for you."
"Yeah, I... Maybe. She's kinda playful with everyone like that, though."
"True, and you're right, but it seems like lately it's more you than anyone else."
Me: shrug
I'm not gonna take too much from it just yet. I'll wait and see how things go.
Oh, almost forgot. A few days ago, she told me in private that she is breaking up with the guy she's been seeing because basically they don't have compatible lifestyles. She wants someone more responsible and closer to her age. Some of the other guys in the store are interested in her, but she made a point to tell me where they wouldn't hear. She didn't want to talk about it in front of any of them.
Update on this. I think. I don't know. Kind of a long read
We've started to develop really good chemistry in the store. We were leaving work the other night and she said we needed to hang out or do a board game night or something. I agreed, and asked her to go the movies with me and another of my co-workers, Jason, who had planned on going in a few days with me. I forgot it was Game of Thrones night, so I had to postpone the movie plan with Jason, but he suggested we do a game night at his house. I told him it sounded good and asked when. The girl, we'll call her Sofia, got excited and said "Tonight!" Well, shit. Okay. I live about a mile from her, so she said she had to go feed her dogs and such, then asked if she could ride with me to Jason's.
So I picked her up and she told me that she "kind of felt bad" because she was supposed to go to some show that the guy she's "kind of dating" was playing at. Or something. Anyway, we got to Jason's house and he introduced us to his wife and we started to have a pretty fun night. We ordered pizza, had just a couple drinks (nothing too crazy) and played Taboo. I should backtrack a bit here, because about three days prior to this night Sofia wore a ponytail to work and I told Jason how ponytails are basically my kryptonite... Anyway, back to Taboo. For those of you unfamiliar with it, you get a word that you have to make your teammate guess by making up clues while avoiding certain other words on that card. My word was "ponytail." My clue to Jason was "I told you a few days ago this is my favorite hairstyle." He guessed it and Sofia looked at me and just said "Really?!"
"Yeah."
"Ponytails?"
"Yeah. Well, not on me. On girls."
This becomes important in a minute, so we'll come back to it. In the meantime, before I left, I got a text from Jason. It was a screenshot of a conversation between him and his wife.
Jason: So lady's opinion, is she into him?
Wife: Yes.
So we played for quite a while, went home, etc. etc. I texted Jason after I left.
Me: Who was that to? Wifey?
Jason: Yes.
Me: A sure-fire way to tell will be if she starts wearing more ponytails.
Me: I did that on purpose.
Jason: You clever fucking bastard.
Sofia was off work the following day, but came back the day after that. Wearing a ponytail.
Later that day she mentioned to me in passing that she thought I was off that day. I'm not so sure I believe her. Maybe I just don't want to. /shrug
All I can do is wait things out, really.
A few updates on us, but really not a whole lot situation-wise has changed.
I posted that I was watching The Little Mermaid on Facebook. The next day she said "I was so bored last night, I almost texted you and said 'I'm on my way over."
My external response: "You should've."
My internal response: HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M NOT PREPARED FOR IMPROMPTU VISITS I NEED TO GO HOME AND CLEAN AUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH
I've hung out with her a few more times. A group of us went out to the bar to just have a few drinks and enjoy ourselves. Earlier that day I asked if she was going to church and she said yes, then invited me, so I went to church with her yesterday. Afterwards she asked if I wanted to go to lunch, but I had prior commitments. Then she said she would've gone to the evening service with me, but she had prior commitments. Almost got a whole day with her. Damn.
I still feel like she's throwing signals everywhere. Leaning on me, making a lot of physical contact, doodling on my arm, etc.
That being said, I'm trying to move things forward, but slowly. I'm not ready to come completely out and ask her out specifically as a date, but I'm making sure to make her aware that I want to spend time with her, so hopefully in her mind all the signals she's throwing out (if intentional) aren't a lost cause.
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I don't know. A woman telling you she was SO bored that she almost came over seems a bit insulting. *Boredom* is what it takes to make her want to
come over? But who knows, it could have just been a poor choice of words on her part.
However, I think you're making a mistake to wait until it feels "safe" to make a move, too. She feels comfortable enough with you to make the physical contact you mentioned. So, at this point, your making a move isn't going to be a big surprise to her (unless she's completely clueless), whether she is receptive to it or not. If you let this play out too long, she will either think you're not interested or you lack confidence.
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I don't know. A woman telling you she was SO bored that she almost came over seems a bit insulting. *Boredom* is what it takes to make her want to
come over?
Not how I took it at all. It was more two separate statements, as if the first part served the purpose of describing her night, instead of describing her cause for wanting to come over. "Timothy, I was so bored last night!" Like I said, she's initiated several hangouts already.
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I stopped talking to that girl with whom I was texting. I get bored too easily.
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I don't know. A woman telling you she was SO bored that she almost came over seems a bit insulting. *Boredom* is what it takes to make her want to
come over?
Not how I took it at all. It was more two separate statements, as if the first part served the purpose of describing her night, instead of describing her cause for wanting to come over. "Timothy, I was so bored last night!" Like I said, she's initiated several hangouts already.
I wouldn't take it negatively either, but this girl seems to be doing everything in her power for something more it seems. I don't think I could take a girl leaning on me and initiating hangouts and NOT make a move on her. The bodily contact and initiating hang outs, to me, is a huge sign of attraction, unless you are squarely friendzoned which is kind of hard to make out from what you are telling me. I almost feel like if you don't make a move then that is where you will be. I don't know, my tolerance is fairly low but I couldn't take all that attraction and not act on it.
I stopped talking to that girl with whom I was texting. I get bored too easily.
Did you ever meet up with her?
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I don't know. A woman telling you she was SO bored that she almost came over seems a bit insulting. *Boredom* is what it takes to make her want to
come over?
Not how I took it at all. It was more two separate statements, as if the first part served the purpose of describing her night, instead of describing her cause for wanting to come over. "Timothy, I was so bored last night!" Like I said, she's initiated several hangouts already.
I wouldn't take it negatively either, but this girl seems to be doing everything in her power for something more it seems. I don't think I could take a girl leaning on me and initiating hangouts and NOT make a move on her. The bodily contact and initiating hang outs, to me, is a huge sign of attraction, unless you are squarely friendzoned which is kind of hard to make out from what you are telling me. I almost feel like if you don't make a move then that is where you will be. I don't know, my tolerance is fairly low but I couldn't take all that attraction and not act on it.
Yes, she certainly could be at a point where she only sees him as a friend, and makes the physical contact because it feels safe to do so, but if she was doing it early on, there was probably some intent behind it. But I would definitely make the next time seeing her all about making a move, and having an answer once and for all.
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I don't know. A woman telling you she was SO bored that she almost came over seems a bit insulting. *Boredom* is what it takes to make her want to
come over? But who knows, it could have just been a poor choice of words on her part.
However, I think you're making a mistake to wait until it feels "safe" to make a move, too. She feels comfortable enough with you to make the physical contact you mentioned. So, at this point, your making a move isn't going to be a big surprise to her (unless she's completely clueless), whether she is receptive to it or not. If you let this play out too long, she will either think you're not interested or you lack confidence.
Well, you were down oh-and-two in the count (I think you were too harsh on the "flake" above, and the "bored thing"). If that's the way she cracks the ice, so be it. I think the going to church thing - maybe it's me, but that is intensely personal - gives lie to the idea that she was ONLY bored and she could have gone to see anyone. But you came through with a clutch base hit on the last part.
I would made the move - the signals are about as clear as a bell - but I would make it subtle and articulate. Don't ask her on a fancy date that is way out of the norm, or ask her something awkward, like being your plus one at a family wedding. Do something that is an extension of what you've done so far but one-on-one and with no room for misinterpretation. Then the hard part: just be yourself. Be the guy you've been in every encounter so far.
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I actually detected a hint of jealousy from work girl yesterday. I had mentioned in a text about being slightly nervous to drive home after getting rear-ended on my way to work yesterday. She responded with "Why don't you ask that girl you're talking to for a ride home then??"
I guess she drove by in the parking lot as I was talking to another coworker... Who witnessed the accident that morning.. About the accident. And then she started asking if I had a thing for this coworker I was talking to.
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I don't know. A woman telling you she was SO bored that she almost came over seems a bit insulting. *Boredom* is what it takes to make her want to
come over? But who knows, it could have just been a poor choice of words on her part.
However, I think you're making a mistake to wait until it feels "safe" to make a move, too. She feels comfortable enough with you to make the physical contact you mentioned. So, at this point, your making a move isn't going to be a big surprise to her (unless she's completely clueless), whether she is receptive to it or not. If you let this play out too long, she will either think you're not interested or you lack confidence.
Well, you were down oh-and-two in the count (I think you were too harsh on the "flake" above, and the "bored thing"). If that's the way she cracks the ice, so be it. I think the going to church thing - maybe it's me, but that is intensely personal - gives lie to the idea that she was ONLY bored and she could have gone to see anyone. But you came through with a clutch base hit on the last part.
I would made the move - the signals are about as clear as a bell - but I would make it subtle and articulate. Don't ask her on a fancy date that is way out of the norm, or ask her something awkward, like being your plus one at a family wedding. Do something that is an extension of what you've done so far but one-on-one and with no room for misinterpretation. Then the hard part: just be yourself. Be the guy you've been in every encounter so far.
Well, she said "I was so bored last night, I almost texted you and said 'I'm on my way over." Phrasing it that way made it seem like it would have been an act of desperation, as if to to say "you wanna know just *how* bored I got?? I almost contacted you!" That may not have been her intention, considering he said she had initiated getting together before, but I can easily envision someone interpreting it that way, especially via text.
As for the flake, she actually said she would be at the gig, unlike the other occasion before it. She didn't even bother to notify him and let him know she wasn't going to show. I didn't suggest he chew her out, but ask her out again? I wouldn't bother after that kind of disrespect.
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I actually detected a hint of jealousy from work girl yesterday. I had mentioned in a text about being slightly nervous to drive home after getting rear-ended on my way to work yesterday. She responded with "Why don't you ask that girl you're talking to for a ride home then??"
I guess she drove by in the parking lot as I was talking to another coworker... Who witnessed the accident that morning.. About the accident. And then she started asking if I had a thing for this coworker I was talking to.
Sounds like the basis for a strong, healthy relationship.
I didn't need to make that green, did I?
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I actually detected a hint of jealousy from work girl yesterday. I had mentioned in a text about being slightly nervous to drive home after getting rear-ended on my way to work yesterday. She responded with "Why don't you ask that girl you're talking to for a ride home then??"
I guess she drove by in the parking lot as I was talking to another coworker... Who witnessed the accident that morning.. About the accident. And then she started asking if I had a thing for this coworker I was talking to.
Sounds like the basis for a strong, healthy relationship.
I didn't need to make that green, did I?
:lol
Wait...
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Well, she said "I was so bored last night, I almost texted you and said 'I'm on my way over." Phrasing it that way made it seem like it would have been an act of desperation, as if to to say "you wanna know just *how* bored I got?? I almost contacted you!" That may not have been her intention, considering he said she had initiated getting together before, but I can easily envision someone interpreting it that way, especially via text.
As for the flake, she actually said she would be at the gig, unlike the other occasion before it. She didn't even bother to notify him and let him know she wasn't going to show. I didn't suggest he chew her out, but ask her out again? I wouldn't bother after that kind of disrespect.
Look, we're simply at a level of disagreement that won't be resolved. It's all our way of looking at the world. It is rare that I ever get offended, and I rarely look at things as if I am the victim. I'm not saying I'm better, I'm just saying that you can look at every little thing and think "how am I getting fucked over in this deal?" or you can look at every little thing and think, "what are the various ways in which this can be interpreted, and how can I give that other person the benefit of the doubt without totally compromising my principles."
I mean no offense, but if "no return text" is all it takes to get someone "disrespected", they weren't commanding a lot of respect in the first place, and I think the rest of the story gives lie to that.
As for Jay, and the jealously, you have lemons. MAKE SOME VODKA LEMONADE, BRO! It doesn't have to be a great line - in fact, maybe the worse the better, unless "cool" is your gig - but you need to act NOW! "No, I don't have a thing for that girl; I was asking her about you!" or "I'd rather as YOU for a ride home" or... you're a big boy, you can figure it out. But if you need any more signals, then you need your radar fixed.
My two cents, and if you fall on your face, remember, I'm just some tool from the internet. ;)
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I actually detected a hint of jealousy from work girl yesterday. I had mentioned in a text about being slightly nervous to drive home after getting rear-ended on my way to work yesterday. She responded with "Why don't you ask that girl you're talking to for a ride home then??"
I guess she drove by in the parking lot as I was talking to another coworker... Who witnessed the accident that morning.. About the accident. And then she started asking if I had a thing for this coworker I was talking to.
Sounds like the basis for a strong, healthy relationship.
I didn't need to make that green, did I?
:lol
Jay, that is a bit weird. You're not even dating and she's saying shit like that? Well, she obviously likes you but she already sounds like drama.
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I actually detected a hint of jealousy from work girl yesterday. I had mentioned in a text about being slightly nervous to drive home after getting rear-ended on my way to work yesterday. She responded with "Why don't you ask that girl you're talking to for a ride home then??"
I guess she drove by in the parking lot as I was talking to another coworker... Who witnessed the accident that morning.. About the accident. And then she started asking if I had a thing for this coworker I was talking to.
Sounds like the basis for a strong, healthy relationship.
I didn't need to make that green, did I?
:lol
Jay, that is a bit weird. You're not even dating and she's saying shit like that? Well, she obviously likes you but she already sounds like drama.
Or, she's thinking "this fucking idiot can't take the hint; I have to let him know I'm interested in my quirky fucked up way". I mean, not literally that thought, but this entire thread is a bunch of shy, awkward poor communicators - myself included - and we're put out/confused by people that are shy, awkward poor communicators?
I'm not there, so I don't know for certain, but I think a more chill approach - a little less "tree", a lot more "forest" - we might see a little different outcome.
Though "drama" is always a realistic possibility.
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I'm a super avid proponent of the "making a move before it's too late" mindset. If we're talking about a situation like Jay's, where there is friendly interaction before any sort of romantic/dating based interaction, it's important to pull the trigger at the right time. The idea that it's too early is out the window. Asking her to join you for casual events and friendly gatherings is a good start. But, eventually, you're gonna have to indicate that you want more if you actually DO want more.
I'm with Stadler though, cuz I think her jealousy is an indicator. Yeah, she flaked on the casual stuff. No big deal. Sure it's confusing with the perceived jealousy, but as was said, some people are just bad at communicating. Ultimately though, if you wanna try for more than friends, NOW IS THE TIME to take that chance. Think casually about it, and just ask her to dinner/drinks/whatever.
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I think we are not talking about the fact that Jay also still has a sticky situation with his current or x gf? I honestly have no idea what thats about but I believe he said this girl knows about it. That alone could be the reason why she is showing mixed signals. If I were in her shoes I dont think I'd enter a situation that was questionable like that. Granted, I also don't know the story.
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I didn't know there was backstory either; everything I said is sort of incumbent on Jay being up front and saying "I'll try my best not to get any mud on your slacks".
So to speak.
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I think we are not talking about the fact that Jay also still has a sticky situation with his current or x gf? I honestly have no idea what thats about but I believe he said this girl knows about it. That alone could be the reason why she is showing mixed signals. If I were in her shoes I dont think I'd enter a situation that was questionable like that. Granted, I also don't know the story.
Panda and I live together. We do things together. We hang out. We eat together. We cuddle at times on the couch. Hell there is even sex involved sometimes. I would love to have my relationship back. We make attempts but they usually end in flames. We (well according to her, me more than her) are also financially dependent on eachother. Anyone who looks at us from the outside would say "oh they're dating". But she makes a HUGE point to point out to everyone that we are not a couple. We haven't been together in a year and a half. Hell, she's even gone on a few dates. She's got guys who she "talks" to. There is a lot more to the story but.. yea.
And I was completely honest with this girl when we started hanging out. She knows the situation. (I am not going to put myself in a situation where my home life becomes a surprise).
She actually went a few days without talking to me. Made shit awkward.. Especially since she spent all that time blowing up my phone. That actually reminds me I have something I have to do tomorrow I was supposed to do today and yesterday but put it off because it would cause me to have to walk by her desk. Lol
She's kinda coming back around and texting me.. even though I didn't physically see her today (well I did... but I dont think she saw me...)
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Thanks for explaining, and I definitely think it's good that the girl knows what's up (I find that girls really appreciate honesty, and it's also a good thing to be honest), but at the same time, sad to say, I can easily see how a girl would not be interested in a relationship with someone in that situation, I guess I could see something casual though a girl showing signs of jealously might not be the casual type.
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Thanks for explaining, and I definitely think it's good that the girl knows what's up (I find that girls really appreciate honesty, and it's also a good thing to be honest), but at the same time, sad to say, I can easily see how a girl would not be interested in a relationship with someone in that situation, I guess I could see something casual though a girl showing signs of jealously might not be the casual type.
To each their own; I truly believe that there is someone for everyone (hell, even Jeff the Vomit Guy has a shot at finding someone) but I've got to believe that cuts down the odds some.
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Jay, that is a bit weird. You're not even dating and she's saying shit like that? Well, she obviously likes you but she already sounds like drama.
Sorry Jay - I have to agree with Jackie here. For her to get fake jealous when she has no reason to even be real jealous? BIG red flag. That and... I know you and P seem to be "financially dependent" but if you're just roommates, GTFO of there ASAP. That ambiguity would kill me.
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As I've said before, Jay, it sounds like you would benefit most from really working on yourself before trying to find the next girl. I know it's lonely, but other people should make us feel better, they shouldn't be needed to make us feel good.
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Jay, that is a bit weird. You're not even dating and she's saying shit like that? Well, she obviously likes you but she already sounds like drama.
Sorry Jay - I have to agree with Jackie here. For her to get fake jealous when she has no reason to even be real jealous? BIG red flag. That and... I know you and P seem to be "financially dependent" but if you're just roommates, GTFO of there ASAP. That ambiguity would kill me.
DEB! :hug:
It's cliched but.. it's easier said than done.
As I've said before, Jay, it sounds like you would benefit most from really working on yourself before trying to find the next girl. I know it's lonely, but other people should make us feel better, they shouldn't be needed to make us feel good.
Gonna try this. It's not like I was actively looking when this... opportunity came up. *shrugs*
Too bad she keeps flaking. This same buddy's band is playing a showcase tonight (they in the running for some local music awards). I'm actually going in semi nice clothes. Would have been cool to bring some one along. Oh well. I didn't even mention this to her. Can't flake on something if you're not invited! :JayOctavarium:
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As I've said before, Jay, it sounds like you would benefit most from really working on yourself before trying to find the next girl. I know it's lonely, but other people should make us feel better, they shouldn't be needed to make us feel good.
Gonna try this. It's not like I was actively looking when this... opportunity came up. *shrugs*
Good advice, it's hard to find someone when you still got to find yourself in some ways. Nothing wrong with that and also nothing wrong with taking advantage of the opportunity, the fact that you tried is important :tup
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So... the finale of the story of work girl.
Saw her on Wednesday. She randomly came to my cubicle and asked if I wanted to walk with her. Dumbass me said sure. And off we went.
Fast forward a few hours and I run in to her during my lunch... stopped to say hi and asked how her day had been going and she just blew me off.. like she had no interest in interacting with me at all.
Thursday comes along. A random text in the morning. Then saw her in passing as she was making copies and I was running back and forth from the printer. Just a quick smile and a "hi"... Thursday was her final day in the office. At 5, when we got off, I wound up in the elevator, and then walking out to the parking lot with her (we were parked next to each other. I told her that the office was going to suck a bit more with her gone. Her response: "Yea whatever. It's not like we ever really hung out or saw each other much." and she got in her car and drove away.
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You're better off.
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Exactly. Not even worth your time.
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And then Friday morning she texts me.
And again some random texts yesterday afternoon.
*shrugs*
Her actions on Thursday after work were really... wow.
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It let's you into who she truly is. Time for the next girl.
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It let's you into who she truly is. Time for the next girl.
Or time to just be alone for a bit and work on himself.
I'm aware this piece of advice is most likely to be ignored, but I'll still give it a try repeating.
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Time for the next girl.
My left hand?
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So basically after giving you already mixed signals, she "ends" it by shadily telling you to fuck off and that the experiences weren't worth anything and then once again reconnects with you the next day. Sounds like a bipolar cunt fart.
Yes. Your hand is the better choice. Fuck that psychotic game-playing bullshit.
There isn't a single motherfucker on this planet that is worth being toyed with/degraded/disrespected in any fashion in any kind of relationship be it casual or serious or a ten minute fuckin' reach around. If someone is that full of themselves, they can rot to death on their giant, glorious, gleaming god damn throne with whatever plebeian fools that are sad enough to kiss their feet.
This all said coming off of one hell of a night. Even so, I'd have said the same, just with less gusto. All the better.
NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER.
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NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER.
I do.
What of it?
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Do you want a girl like that you plays games with you? HELL TO THE NO. You're better off.
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NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER.
I do.
What of it?
No more reach arounds for you, young man.
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Time for the next girl.
My left hand?
Hello yeah. Better than a girl self absorbed and not into you.
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Good riddance.
It let's you into who she truly is. Time for the next girl.
Or time to just be alone for a bit and work on himself.
I'm aware this piece of advice is most likely to be ignored, but I'll still give it a try repeating.
Yea, never a bad time to work on yourself.
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It let's you into who she truly is. Time for the next girl.
Or time to just be alone for a bit and work on himself.
I'm aware this piece of advice is most likely to be ignored, but I'll still give it a try repeating.
I'm with Adami.
Impossible to know, I'm not there, but there are plenty of explanations that don't end in her being a "slimy c*** fart" or whatever Unc said she was. If you couldn't reasonably be expected to follow through 100% and commit anyway, what are you complaining about? Yeah, she might have some baggage, but you clearly aren't willing to accept hers, so why should any reasonably normal, reasonably put together woman accept yours?
I feel like Adami is 100% spot on here, "easy" or not. No one ever said "life" was "easy".
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Life is like a cock, super hard at the most inconvenient situations.
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That needs to be in a fortune cookie.
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That needs to be in a fortune cookie.
What? Lynxo's cock?
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I'm speaking to three women right now. There's a 46 year old named Debra, a 39 year old bookworm named Catherine, and a 32 year old named Natalia. So far, Catherine seems to be the one I have the most in common with, but Natalia and I made plans for Monday to meet for coffee. We'll see what happens. She lives in NJ.
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Nice a jersey girl!
Actually have a first date with a tinder girl tomorrow. Been talking to her for a couple weeks, she seems awesome through text so we will see.
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Yes. She's in Rahway. I'm meeting her at Starbucks.
I still haven't had luck with Tinder. Damn you people. :lol
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I still haven't had luck with Tinder. Damn you people. :lol
Have you tried Grinder?
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Add two more to my list of possibilities. Now, I have two dates for next Monday. Fuck. I'm going to have to cancel the NJ date and make it for another night.
I still haven't had luck with Tinder. Damn you people. :lol
Have you tried Grinder?
You speak of it like you've had success. I'm very happy for you.
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Add two more to my list of possibilities. Now, I have two dates for next Monday. Fuck. I'm going to have to cancel the NJ date and make it for another night.
Why'd you agree to schedule two dates on the same date?
Met a new girl last night, drove over near her to a bar and we chilled for a couple hours. Won't lie, my immediate first impression was "this girl is bigger than she looked in pictures" :lol but I'm no tiny guy myself so while I couldn't help but think it, I didn't want to let it bother me or anything. She's very cool person, our convo was good and I enjoyed it overall. I kissed her on the way out. We shall see what happens, I'd chill with her again, but not entirely sure how she felt about me since I couldn't get a good read off her.
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Yeah, why double book?
And photos can be deceiving but not always intentionally. And yeah, never a deal-breaker for me. But then again I tend to like my women with some meat :eyebrows:
That needs to be in a fortune cookie.
What? Lynxo's cock?
:lol
And yeah Jay, you dodged a bullet with that one. She sounds like a lot of drama and shit-starting. I would just stop talking to her if I were you.
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Add two more to my list of possibilities. Now, I have two dates for next Monday. Fuck. I'm going to have to cancel the NJ date and make it for another night.
Why'd you agree to schedule two dates on the same date?
Yeah, why double book?
It wasn't totally intentional. I'm only available certain nights and I'm more interested in the Staten Island girl. One, because she's definitely more compatible with me and two, the location issue. I knew I'd have to change one of them. When I set up the second one, I wasn't sure if I liked her more than the first one. I already spoke to the other girl and we're going to meet the next night.
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That needs to be in a fortune cookie.
(https://cdn-img1.imagechef.com/widget/160812/samp3394fc0bcc31440b.jpg)
;D
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:lol
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:D
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I am content with this.
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The subtitles of these lonely hearts threads never cease to impress me, time after time.
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Now that I think I'm kind of back, I guess I should post an update because I used to post in this thread I think.
Anyways, long-ish post incoming.
So, couple of years back at uni I fell in love with my best friend. Typical right? The thing is, I really loved this girl and it was never a romantic thing. We loved hangin out and that was it. Then something happened and I fell for her. We both did, it was mutual and we started dating.
I have to say, I never loved anyone like I loved her, I really did. Everything was great, until some months into the relationship she started drifting away, sexually, emotionally every-ally. As a backstory I have to say that's a part of her personality that was always there, but me, being a typical man and being insecure I started questioning if it was because of me or because she found someone else.
Those things, nag and crawl inside of you. And one day I asked something about one of her friends, I just wanted to clarify what he was to her and she exploded cut it off and ran. Everyone that knew eachother, knows I never ever treated her badly and that she overreacted(She admitted that herself later). And TBH I couldn't blame her when she suggested a break(we know it never works) and that we should talk later about our relationship.
We tried to stay in touch, talking, being friends... But then, she started acting really shitty and in the end we never talked. When I asked her to talk, she acted like a bitch. Then I told her to at least treat me with the same respect I treated her with. And basically asked her if she was talking behind my back and shit. She said no.
Things weren't as bad until one point. We, being classmates, went to the same party that month, and when I saw her there I exploded against her, every time I think about that night I feel really shitty and ashamed but really, what I said wasn't as bad as what I found out she said about me before. Basically, I called her a "cold bitch", and the thing she later said hurt her the most was that I asked her If she was finally gonna cry when I saw her getting teary eyed, because she always told me she didn't feel anything. And that was it.
Then we saw each other at school and, well we kind of talked here and there but it almost always ended badly. Everyone of our closest friends told us to just stop talking for good, but we kept trying.
Until...
Another part of the backstory is that she knows everything about me, and I was obviously depressed at the time. So what did she do? It turns out that two weeks after we broke up(when everything was still "ok") She went and told basically everyone of her closest friends she wanted me dead. And then, some time later she said she wanted me to succeed when I tried to kill myself (I tried it, and it was irrelevant to her whole situation, but the situation going on with her didn't help ya know?). And she said that because she knew I tried it years before. She knew about my problems and used them to talk smack.
I knew about what she said, because of some random person playing games, but the thing is that she said it. We had a fight, a lot of fights about that. But in the end, we found out who the person was, why did he show me what she said and what was the backstory with those suicide comments. Turns out, as she showed me the chats, that she said it because she wanted to get those people that always asked her if she was already done with me off her back. And she knew they didn't care about what she said, and thought I would never see that and that even if I did, it was just bullshit to get off an interrogation. It was obviously a shitty thing to said but she did it, and she couldn't un-say it.
After a couple of apologies we stopped talking completely, we where in the same classroom but we acted as strangers with the occasional "Hey x is looking for you" and shit.
Turns out, like all our friends said, that we needed the time, like, a lot of time without talking to sort ourselves out instead of forcing ourselves to act as "friends".
One day we talked a lot, we apologized for what we did and said. We had the talk we were supposed to have during our break, with the part about getting back together being impossible, obviously. But we "healed" what we had. We knew we acted bad, we knew we fuck it up, and she finally told me why she started drifting away: She had a pregnancy scare, she didn't know how to tell me, and she closed herself to me, and she stopped wanting to have sex after that because she was scared it would happened again, etc..
The thing is, we had a big talk like we never had when we where together. And it worked.
Our last couple of months at uni where great. We talked, we made jokes, we even played yugioh because she want to get into the game after she watched us play. Basically like I said, we healed and despite what happened and despite the stupid things that go with a break up we still kind of made it as friends.
And tbh we said the worst thing you can Imagine between ex's, that we actually loved eachother and that's why despite all that, we tried to stay in touch. Without obviously being in a relationship because that would be even more toxic than this looks.
I know it sounds like soap opera at some parts. But in the end I grew as a person thanks to that bullshit.
And know, I'm not part of the lonely harts group, because some months after healing everything with my ex I got in touch with someone I really cared about. And now we are a couple. And I'm trying to be better and less insecure than I was with my ex.
TL;DR: broke up with someone, it was kind of nasty, and then I re-found someone.
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I cancelled the date for last night and tonight.
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I'll come clean. I've been single since the end of Jan. Been on a few OKC dates, but didn't care for any of them.
Honestly just waiting for Prog to finally make his move and sweep me off my feet. Guess I'll be waiting a while :(
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(https://67.media.tumblr.com/bdc08732e9e41be164d9c496c5a4b8c9/tumblr_np5dqzQ7ef1rxdlggo1_400.gif)
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I'll come clean. I've been single since the end of Jan. Been on a few OKC dates, but didn't care for any of them.
Why the hell would you take a date to Oklahoma City?
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I'll come clean. I've been single since the end of Jan. Been on a few OKC dates, but didn't care for any of them.
Why the hell would you take a date to Oklahoma City?
You're right, it was a terrible choice. No wonder they all bombed.
.........too soon?
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I'll come clean. I've been single since the end of Jan. Been on a few OKC dates, but didn't care for any of them.
Why the hell would you take a date to Oklahoma City?
Yeah, I hear the girls from there aren't too great. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EREMUW6KDXM)
I've been single for over a year now and the few dates I've gone on this year haven't end well.
- One girl I went to three dates with and had sex with twice but she suddenly tells me she wants to stop dating guys for a while and then proceeded to block me.
- One girl I had an awesome date with where we talked for over six hours but after meeting a second time, she tells me she isn't ready to date yet
And there's a few I've talked with but nothing that really feels that special. I have to say, I really miss a relationsship right now.
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I cancelled the date for last night and tonight.
Why? Thought you had something good going with one of them?
I'll come clean. I've been single since the end of Jan. Been on a few OKC dates, but didn't care for any of them.
Why the hell would you take a date to Oklahoma City?
You're right, it was a terrible choice. No wonder they all bombed.
.........too soon?
:lol
I'll come clean. I've been single since the end of Jan. Been on a few OKC dates, but didn't care for any of them.
Why the hell would you take a date to Oklahoma City?
Yeah, I hear the girls from there aren't too great. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EREMUW6KDXM)
I've been single for over a year now and the few dates I've gone on this year haven't end well.
- One girl I went to three dates with and had sex with twice but she suddenly tells me she wants to stop dating guys for a while and then proceeded to block me.
- One girl I had an awesome date with where we talked for over six hours but after meeting a second time, she tells me she isn't ready to date yet
And there's a few I've talked with but nothing that really feels that special. I have to say, I really miss a relationsship right now.
I'm starting to wonder if a large portion of the population just has no interest in anything more serious than hook ups anymore. I'm including myself in this as I feel every day that passes I feel less inclined to ever be serious with someone again.
I'm getting frustrated with the girl I met last week. She was a bit difficult to schedule the date last week as I was off last Tuesday so told her I'd come up near her to make it easy for her and she gave me some issues with timing and location, but eventually we agreed and we met and it was fine. This week we agreed to do Margaritas and Mexican food at a popular spot on Tuesday night. She cancelled Monday evening saying work was hammering her and she wouldn't be able to come out Tuesday night so she pushed it to tonight. This morning I ask if we are on, she says yes... then 15 minutes later says she doesn't want to do what we agreed on because there will be a wait and doesn't want to wait until 830 (total exaggeration) to get seated. Maybe it's not much, but I'm annoyed now. She waits until after the cancellation and reschedule confirmation to then say she wants to change location because there will be a wait? That was the point of the margaritas! Which she said she was excited for! And like we can't just chill and talk while we wait and get to know each other? I asked her if she had any suggestions then since she blew my plan up, now twice for the same date. If she doesn't have a suggestion I am going to walk away. It's too early in getting to know someone to be this difficult and I don't like bending over for people who haven't earned that.
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I cancelled the date for last night and tonight.
Why? Thought you had something good going with one of them?
Grumble, grumble. I really don't know why I cancelled the date. I had a gut feeling and I went with it. My guy never steers me wrong. There is still one left that I'd like to get together with so we'll see. I've just become exhaustingly picky.
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I'm starting to wonder if a large portion of the population just has no interest in anything more serious than hook ups anymore. I'm including myself in this as I feel every day that passes I feel less inclined to ever be serious with someone again.
I don't think it's that people are only interested in hooking up, it's just that there is no rush to get married or settle down anymore. Back in the day, being all sex deprived and whatnot, people were eager to get into a serious relationship in order to bang without spending eternity in a fire pit. Also, people are living longer. If there's a chance you're going to live until 90 or 100 years old, why try to settle down at 25?
I'm conflicted with this a lot, honestly. I love my girlfriend to death. There's no one else I'd rather share my life with and I've been looking at rings recently. That being said, the idea that I may never enjoy the 'hunt' again kind of bums me out. Our sex life is fantastic, but there's a hell of a rush you get (at least there is with me) when a girl lets you in for the first time, especially if you've been working at it for a while. It's fun, it's exciting, and it's satisfying urges deep within us that have been being programmed for millions of years.
I completely understand why people are not interested in anything other than hooking up at our age. If for any reason my girlfriend and I were to break up, I would have no interest in real dating/building a life with someone else for several years. I'd just try to get as much as I could as often as I could.
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It's been 2 years since my last relationship ended, and not a single fiber of my being is longing for another one. I am perfectly happy and content with
having fun with women who aren't wanting a relationship, either. (they do exist)
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I'm starting to wonder if a large portion of the population just has no interest in anything more serious than hook ups anymore. I'm including myself in this as I feel every day that passes I feel less inclined to ever be serious with someone again.
I don't think it's that people are only interested in hooking up, it's just that there is no rush to get married or settle down anymore. Back in the day, being all sex deprived and whatnot, people were eager to get into a serious relationship in order to bang without spending eternity in a fire pit. Also, people are living longer. If there's a chance you're going to live until 90 or 100 years old, why try to settle down at 25?
I'm conflicted with this a lot, honestly. I love my girlfriend to death. There's no one else I'd rather share my life with and I've been looking at rings recently. That being said, the idea that I may never enjoy the 'hunt' again kind of bums me out. Our sex life is fantastic, but there's a hell of a rush you get (at least there is with me) when a girl lets you in for the first time, especially if you've been working at it for a while. It's fun, it's exciting, and it's satisfying urges deep within us that have been being programmed for millions of years.
I completely understand why people are not interested in anything other than hooking up at our age. If for any reason my girlfriend and I were to break up, I would have no interest in real dating/building a life with someone else for several years. I'd just try to get as much as I could as often as I could.
A lot of truth to that.
It's been 2 years since my last relationship ended, and not a single fiber of my being is longing for another one. I am perfectly happy and content with
having fun with women who aren't wanting a relationship, either. (they do exist)
also to add, I am perfectly happy where I am as well. I'm starting to think the idea of a relationship is not interesting or worth it in any way. My hope for finding "the one" is very slim and the idea that I will be solo till I die is pretty high. No kids either, I don't see that at all in my life trajectory mostly because I refuse to have a kid with someone I am not married to and have been married for some time as well.
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Dude, Chino, I totally understand where you're coming from. TOTALLY. I went through a divorce, hit the dating scene and actually had a fair bit of fun - single, reasonably good looking, reasonable amount of disposable income, reasonable willingness to talk to anyone - but I met a wonderful, beautiful (former beauty pageant winner, no shit, for real) and decided to get married again.
As with Chino, love her dearly, great sex life, just purely enjoy being in her company, but... there's an element to the hunt that is just not satisfied.
But it's not that; that's an element of "monogamy" that has been in play since humankind started putting on pants and perfume. At the risk of having this sound like "GET OFF MY LAWN!", I think its a combination of "me me me", and it being hard for people to put in the work these days. We want to know everything about someone, we want to know all their piccadillos and perks, in two dates. Bang on the second date, find out if she's a freak in the sheets, and move the fuck on if it's not PERFECT for ME. The "one" doesn't just fall into your lap. I feel I've met "the one", but it didn't come in a box with a bow on it. It took effort, work, and desire on both our parts to cultivate it.
i think some of you think she should have 38Ds, be as cute as my favorite actress, give great head, take it in the can, listen to all my shit and baggage about the previous girl that decimated my heart wrongly, will plan all our dates, respond to all my texts within 15 minutes, let me use Tinder as much as I want, have no prior history with any men, and she should clearly communicate all that to me in a series of texts in a frequency not less than five per day.
No offense to anyone here, and I don't mean any one person here - and I realize I'm not there on any of the dates - but I see people rejecting some promising relationships that might take some time and effort to cultivate over some really trivial shit.
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My date tonight is on, she finally got back to me saying she wanted to do something closer to me so I picked a spot and we are set for 7pm. Still kind of confused why she changed plans, but whatever, this is closer to me and easier, I was trying to make it closer to her for her ease and it wasn't out of my way coming home from work. She said I was being really sweet so maybe some brownie points, who knows, but I will still say this, and yes it's totally a "me" thing, but I really don't like when early in getting to know someone they have issues with stupid things like this. I will have a beer and forget about it later and enjoy her company hopefully :yarr
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We want to know everything about someone, we want to know all their piccadillos and perks, in two dates. Bang on the second date, find out if she's a freak in the sheets, and move the fuck on if it's not PERFECT for ME. The "one" doesn't just fall into your lap.
i think some of you think she should have 38Ds, be as cute as my favorite actress, give great head, take it in the can, listen to all my shit and baggage about the previous girl that decimated my heart wrongly, will plan all our dates, respond to all my texts within 15 minutes, let me use Tinder as much as I want, have no prior history with any men, and she should clearly communicate all that to me in a series of texts in a frequency not less than five per day.
No offense to anyone here, and I don't mean any one person here - and I realize I'm not there on any of the dates - but I see people rejecting some promising relationships that might take some time and effort to cultivate over some really trivial shit.
Everything about this is true for a lot of people I know. They want someone, but they don't want to work for it.
It seems like everyone thinks that there is a one, and if something is not like they want, they send it all the hell.
The one doesn't exist, until you make her/him your one. Know what I'm saying?
take it in the can
:eyebrows:
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Had a nice date last night. We just went to the bar around the corner from me. Nice chat and a couple beers and some food. This girl is really nice and after not being so sure where she stood after the first date, she made it pretty clear during this date that she was interested and even said she wants to do another date and continued to text me a bunch after we left. Sadly though, I don't think I am really interested. Nice girl, has a job, has friends.... I just don't think I am physically attracted to her. I'm willing to do another date just to see what happens since she is a good girl, but I just don't see anything forming here.
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What about her appearance dissuades you from continuing to see her?
I started talking to someone new last night. We spoke on the phone for a couple of hours and hit it off pretty well. She's a rocker chick, has an 18 year old son, already knows about my situation, and still wants to get together.
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What about her appearance dissuades you from continuing to see her?
I started talking to someone new last night. We spoke on the phone for a couple of hours and hit it off pretty well. She's a rocker chick, has an 18 year old son, already knows about my situation, and still wants to get together.
Then dont cancel it!
This girls lets just say is curvy and curvy in the spots that I would say are too much for me. If she looked like her one full body picture I'd be ok, but shes a bit larger which threw me off initially but tried to look past it, but honestly am struggling to look past it now. I've said before I don't mind larger girls, if they are cool then it's fine, but there is a limit to what I'd find attractive and she is a bit past it.
Especially since I spent so much time (and still am) trying to get my own body into better shape, I don't think I want to get serious with someone who I feel is opposite of what I am trying to do I guess. BTW since I wrote that post some months ago about working on myself, I've lost at least 15 lbs and I haven't stopped working on that, I'd like to lose at least 5 more to reach my goal, but maybe another 15 is doable by the end of the year.
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SOoooo
I am still kinda talking to work girl. Just some random texts back and forth. Today marked her first week at her new office. So we chit chatted for a bit via text, and then apparently she got annoyed because I am.. kinda cheesy. The conversation just ended with her saying "Stop".
What?
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SOoooo
I am still kinda talking to work girl. Just some random texts back and forth. Today marked her first week at her new office. So we chit chatted for a bit via text, and then apparently she got annoyed because I am.. kinda cheesy. The conversation just ended with her saying "Stop".
What?
That's the best advice. Just stop.
I mean, it's pretty clear you don't want to, but it's a decent idea.
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It's hard to :lol
We have so many common interests. It's hard to find people who think the same way I do. Believe me I am not looking for anything out of it.
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Do whatever you want to do man.
I'm just reminded of that scene in Star Trek: Generations when Data is trying alcohol with his emotion chip for the first time.
"Yes...yes.....I HATE this......"
"More?"
"Please"
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:lol
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So, you mean all it takes to get you to stop talking is to tell you to "stop"? :biggrin:
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I'd honestly say stop as well. It's only going to hurt you emotionally. I don't know how serious the "stop" was, if it was by any chance serious, then listen. I'm guessing it wasn't so serious, but I'm honestly not sure what you are doing unless you are settling on just being friends.
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It's difficult to read her emotions over text. This is going to turn into a Seinfeld episode but were there exclamation points? Capital letters? Sometimes someone can stay stop playfully. I promote the use of emoticons to gauge demeanor.
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It's difficult to read her emotions over text. This is going to turn into a Seinfeld episode but were there exclamation points? Capital letters? Sometimes someone can stay stop playfully. I promote the use of emoticons to gauge demeanor.
Sure she told me to stop, but who can read emotions in a text? So yadda yadda yadda, I got hit with a restraining order.
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Why? Just why? Why would you not pull the trigger live and in person, but taunt and tease yourself by texting her? ESPECIALLY when text is prime to be misconstrued?? Text should be the little cherry on top of the sundae, which is all the wonderful things a healthy, red-blooded male can do to, with, and for a healthy, red-blooded female, IN PERSON.
I know, I know... "YOU KIDS! BACK IN MY DAY..."
You be you, who the fuck am I and why am I even weighing in on this, but from where I'm sitting, this is ALL on you. You've got no place to complain or play victim if this goes horribly wrong (emotionally) for you.
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It's difficult to read her emotions over text. This is going to turn into a Seinfeld episode but were there exclamation points? Capital letters? Sometimes someone can stay stop playfully. I promote the use of emoticons to gauge demeanor.
Sure she told me to stop, but who can read emotions in a text? So yadda yadda yadda, I got hit with a restraining order.
:lol
"We went out to eat, I had the bisque, yadda yadda yadda, I never saw him again.":
"You yadda yaddad over the best part!"
"I mentioned the bisque." :lol
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I love you guys.
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I love you guys.
Stop.
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(https://media.giphy.com/media/aZRZNJTx8sbBu/giphy.gif)
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I love you guys.
Stop.
She texted me this morning, out of the blue, and told me I was in a dream she had last night. (non sexual).
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RUN AWAY
I have a date with a cop next week, guys :police:
Man, I've missed a lot in this thread. Cram, I can understand where youre coming from. You can't help what you are attracted to in people. And not that Ginger is super overweight or anything, but I am slightly turned off by the fact that she's not at all interested in any kind of exercise or anything like that. Otherwise things are going well with her and the hubby.
Knuckles is on her way over now :eyebrows:
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Oooo a cop! I guess that means someone's getting handcuffed :lol
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You know, I made a little joke about restraints being sexy (after he told me about something that happened on the job) and he said that most of the fun has been taken out of them because of work, but he'd be willing to try again with the right person :lol
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:metal :metal
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So I did something I probably shouldn't have but whatever.
So I was having a random text convo with work girl regarding some meme she sent me or whatever. I wound up not responded to something and texted her later apologizing for just cutting the convo mid conv. She told me it's ok and she's been really distracted the last few weeks and apologized for the lack of communication.
So I bit. I asked what was wrong. I got back this long message that boiled down to how she's essentially still trying to get over an ex yadda yadda basically the same shit I went through for a long time regarding the redhead from 5 years ago. She was trying to get over him and ran into him again and yadda yadda still heartbroken... and really lonely yadda yadda. So I invited her to the show I was going (Like i was literally sitting in the back seat of my buddy's car on our way to the show).
I know. I'm an idiot.
Her response surprised me. She told me she'd love to but it's a bit of a drive (Which it really was especially since she lives a whole city more away from the town the show was in than I do) and she thanked me for the invite, and told me she'd love to hang out sometime and even go to a show. She really wants to get out and get her mind off of things. She then thanked me for thinking of her and after a few more texts, the convo trailed off into her bidding me goodnight and going to sleep.
*shrugs*
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You're not an idiot - unless you did it for the wrong reasons.
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I just get what she's going through. I understand how it feels to be going through that emotional bullshit and to be sitting alone with the feeling that the one person in life you want to be with doesn't want anything to do with you. I extended a hand in friendship. Nothing more.
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Just do your best to read the situation and make her feel comforted. I know you're in a similar situation, but if you like this girl, then let her be the lead. If she's the type to wear her heart on her sleeve, then it should be easy for you to understand her. Everyone has a tell. Just don't push her.
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So, rant incoming but whatever.
Yesterday, I did nothing special, just being at home. Then I check Facebook and I see my best friend who has put up a picture of her and her boyfriend, writing happily that they're soon going to live together. And reading that just set off this massive chain of thoughts and I started thinking about my past relationsships and how both of my serious girlfriends broke up with me just as we were about to start living together.
And I get this panic attack, realizing that I'm 29 years old and that many people that age have already settled down and has kids. And I've had two dates these past months which both ended with the girl rejecting me. And I started thinking that I've never going to find someone who can put up with how weird and anti-social I am and am okay with not ever having kids.
I slept terribly and woke up feeling like crap. But now, I've slowly started to feel okay again. I listened to a podcast while working, which is from a comedian/musician I really admired who is 37 years old, single and perfectly happy with his life. And it made me feel a bit better.
So yeah, I do have these moments where I feel really lonely and insecure, totally certain I'm never going to find someone to love again. But at least these moments are much more rare than they used to be. But it hit really hard this time and it's going to take a couple of days to recover from this.
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You are far from being alone in that scenario and while feeling that way I think is pretty normal, there isn't much reason to get worked up and lose sleep over it.
Got a date with 23yo tonight, going to a Mediterranean spot near her. Finally a date not in my basement :lol but looks like we are going to talk about our plans for going to a planetarium this weekend too :metal
Been chatting with a new girl since last week from OKC and we kind of hit it off. We have so many similarities and we mostly text all day and the convo just flows well. I'm really interested in meeting her, we have a tentative date for Wednesday (she gave me a legit reason why she might have to cancel though).
The girl from last week has hardly texted me which is great because I haven't really felt like texting her either. I thought she was interested, but maybe it was a mutual disinterest.
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If I looked back on my life and only had two girls that rejected me, I'd throw a fuckin' party.
Dude. Perspective. Do you love every girl you meet? Are you into every bit of their baggage, are you willing to take every bit of their shit? Of course not. So why should every girl - whether you're "into them" or not is immaterial to this analysis - do the same for you?
If you look around at the people that have found mates - people who like to be pissed on, people who like to piss on others, people who like to watch their partner bang other people, people who like to bang other people while their partner watches, hell, there is a story about a guy that met this girl and they both found that they wanted to watch someone DIE and ended up killing HER SISTER, I could do this until mid-afternoon - certainly you "not wanting kids" is not going to be an egregious hurdle to get over.
Let it breath. Let it happen. Let it be organic. Yeah, there's probably a lot of late nights with "youporn" until it clicks, but I think this thread is testament to the idea that FORCING it rarely works.
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:rollin
So true, I'd say Lynxo has nothing to worry about with regards to his own weirdness. Got to just accept who you are and be confident about yourself and all your oddities that come along with you. I'm ridiculously weird if that means anything to this conversation.
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Let it breath. Let it happen. Let it be organic. Yeah, there's probably a lot of late nights with "youporn" until it clicks, but I think this thread is testament to the idea that FORCING it rarely works.
You say that like it's a bad thing :hat
Seriously though, Bill's right on the money with this one. Every life and living situation is different, there are too many variables and inconsistencies with life to definitively say something like 'I need to be at least engaged by this age or my life is a sham', and you can't determine whether you're passing or failing based on how others are doing. Besides, just because they are married doesn't mean they are in any better position than you in the grand scheme of things. I know married couples who are beyond miserable. I know three people much younger than me who already have a divorce under their belt. I know other married couples younger than Victoria and myself who make less than half of what we do and are struggling really hard at the moment. It causes turmoil in their relationship. If you asked all of us who's better off and doing life correctly, you'd get a half dozen different answers.
People live a long time these days. No reason to try and get hitched early. If it happens, cool beans. If you're 30 with no significant other yet, there's still plenty of time.
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Thanks guys. :heart Yeah, it was a moment of weakness. Due to feeling rejected a lot lately and having a generally bad day, seeing that pic of my friend being happy with her boyfriend just triggered all kinds of emotions. I'll be fine. I'm certainly not forcing anything, if anything I've always been very picky with who I share myself with. (Maybe not my bed though but that's another story.)
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I got a call from my "ex" last night basically telling me we can't be friends anymore cuz it's not best for her. Essentially saying that she can't be just friends with me. It really bums me out. It's been almost 3 months since we stopped seeing each other cuz I didn't want a serious relationship, and we've hung out a few times for trivia and stuff like that, and we texted pretty often. I totally get the position she's in, cuz I've been there for sure. But it's just another reminder that Man/Woman interaction is a complicated thing at times.
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Anyone with new developments? Nothing here. I had a couple of women that I was talking to but I lost interest.
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I went to a date this weekend that I feel went quite well. Still, I'm careful not to get too excited, I've been burned a lot lately.
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Hmmmm.
The newly divorced Russian girl I've had a crush on for over 10 years is visiting in 18 days. So that'll be cool.
I also developed a small crush for a coworker that has a boyfriend. So that's awesome.
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Hmmmm.
The newly divorced Russian girl I've had a crush on for over 10 years is visiting in 18 days. So that'll be cool.
I also developed a small crush for a coworker that has a boyfriend. So that's awesome.
Your aim is as reliable as mine it seems. Why do we always want the things we can't have....or can we? :zydar:
I went to a date this weekend that I feel went quite well. Still, I'm careful not to get too excited, I've been burned a lot lately.
It's a good thing. Just go with the flow, but if the flow has you already pricing engagement rings then build a dam.
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Hmmmm.
The newly divorced Russian girl I've had a crush on for over 10 years is visiting in 18 days. So that'll be cool.
I also developed a small crush for a coworker that has a boyfriend. So that's awesome.
Your aim is as reliable as mine it seems. Why do we always want the things we can't have....or can we? :zydar:
I'm the first guy to say that if my girl cheats on me, it's on the girl, not the guy hitting on her. Having said that, I have a slight situation where there is a former boyfriend who is basically a sport-fucker, and he's sort of got it in his head that it would be cool to refuck someone from his past that is now married. I'll deal with it like an adult - I'm not one to fight someone in a parking lot, or play dumb games like calling bosses and girlfriends and stuff - but honestly, especially with kids involved, it takes a special (not in a good way) man to make that your target. 125 million women in the US over the age of 18 - plus or minus - and you have to target the "one you can't have"? I trust her, but why contribute to a situation that can't help but erode trust, can't help but put more stress on a situation.
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Hmmmm.
The newly divorced Russian girl I've had a crush on for over 10 years is visiting in 18 days. So that'll be cool.
I also developed a small crush for a coworker that has a boyfriend. So that's awesome.
Your aim is as reliable as mine it seems. Why do we always want the things we can't have....or can we? :zydar:
I'm the first guy to say that if my girl cheats on me, it's on the girl, not the guy hitting on her. Having said that, I have a slight situation where there is a former boyfriend who is basically a sport-fucker, and he's sort of got it in his head that it would be cool to refuck someone from his past that is now married. I'll deal with it like an adult - I'm not one to fight someone in a parking lot, or play dumb games like calling bosses and girlfriends and stuff - but honestly, especially with kids involved, it takes a special (not in a good way) man to make that your target. 125 million women in the US over the age of 18 - plus or minus - and you have to target the "one you can't have"? I trust her, but why contribute to a situation that can't help but erode trust, can't help but put more stress on a situation.
She's entertaining this numnuts?
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Short answer is no, but it's not that simple. It's not simply a matter of "Hey, man, no harm, no foul!"
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I agree with you. Do you want me to call Vinny? Or Tony? Or Petey Guns?
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He's probably better off with Tony Two-hands.
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Okay, help me figure this out.
Snow messaged me out of the blue. Well, it was more like the "I have your name and number in my phone but can't place who you are" text. Now, you would figure that once she realizes who I am, since we haven't been talking since she decided it was too weird to date her friend's ex-husband, that she would just go about her day. However, she's been messaging me all morning. Was the first text a way to see who I was or did she not want to just come out and message me after how/why we stopped talking?
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Okay, help me figure this out.
Snow messaged me out of the blue. Well, it was more like the "I have your name and number in my phone but can't place who you are" text. Now, you would figure that once she realizes who I am, since we haven't been talking since she decided it was too weird to date her friend's ex-husband, that she would just go about her day. However, she's been messaging me all morning. Was the first text a way to see who I was or did she not want to just come out and message me after how/why we stopped talking?
If she now knows who you are, then I think the latter. What else could it be?
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Ran into work girl last week. Had a training at her office. Totally forgot that was the office she moved to till I parked and saw her car.. Shot her a text just to be polite and let her know I'm training in her building (in case she sees my car). Within like 90 seconds she was down stairs to day hi. Then after my training she came down and we chit chatted for like 15min before I went back to my office.
Then a few hours later I get a text from her telling me she didn't realize how much she misses me until we saw each other.
Fuck. I wasnt trying to open up a can of worms. I just wanted to not be an asshole. I have zero interest in her (whatever slight Interest I may have had fizzled out quickly..
Later that texted me asking if I wanted to go to some comedy show w her and her friend the next night. I told her I was busy working my security gig and couldn't.
Ugh
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Hmmmm.
The newly divorced Russian girl I've had a crush on for over 10 years is visiting in 18 days. So that'll be cool.
I also developed a small crush for a coworker that has a boyfriend. So that's awesome.
Your aim is as reliable as mine it seems. Why do we always want the things we can't have....or can we? :zydar:
Hah, no I just do virtually nothing to meet anyone, so it's rare (very rare) for me to feel much for anyone, and at my age, most girls have boyfriends. So statistically, it's more likely for me to like an already taken girl. Difference is, I just shrug it off. I don't have huge feelings for her or anything, we just get on well enough. I'll live. Honestly between school, my job, my practicum and all of the stuff that entails, I just don't have the huge urge or need to be with anyone unless something good just happens along.
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^^^ How old, if you don't mind me asking?
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^^^ How old, if you don't mind me asking?
Am I? 32 in 2 days.
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That's a tough age; I was 45 when I got divorced and it was the perfect age; there were a fair number of women say 35 to 50 that had gone through the routine, and were kind of in two groups: ready for someone that wasn't a basket case, and were looking for something a little more mature*, or were simply looking to recreate their favorite Nicholas Sparks novel and were therefore living in dream land.
I think you're still at the stage where the girl - assuming she's interested in a relationship - either hasn't gotten married and therefore hasn't bailed on their future loser ex yet, or is married and hasn't yet figured out what it means to be in a lousy relationship, and therefore hasn't gotten quite far enough to bail on the future loser ex yet.
* Amazed and rather pleasantly surprised at the level of... let's say "liberation" in the women of this age. I think "50 Shades", despite being the literary equivalent of Rebecca Black's "Friday", has effected meaningful change. :)
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That's a tough age; I was 45 when I got divorced and it was the perfect age; there were a fair number of women say 35 to 50 that had gone through the routine, and were kind of in two groups: ready for someone that wasn't a basket case, and were looking for something a little more mature*, or were simply looking to recreate their favorite Nicholas Sparks novel and were therefore living in dream land.
I think you're still at the stage where the girl - assuming she's interested in a relationship - either hasn't gotten married and therefore hasn't bailed on their future loser ex yet, or is married and hasn't yet figured out what it means to be in a lousy relationship, and therefore hasn't gotten quite far enough to bail on the future loser ex yet.
* Amazed and rather pleasantly surprised at the level of... let's say "liberation" in the women of this age. I think "50 Shades", despite being the literary equivalent of Rebecca Black's "Friday", has effected meaningful change. :)
I'm at that age where, no matter what age I'm at, I'm really not what most girls want and am totally cool with that and am just hoping to meet someone who is my kind of weird. But without the online stuff, gave up on that a while back.
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Okay, help me figure this out.
Snow messaged me out of the blue. Well, it was more like the "I have your name and number in my phone but can't place who you are" text. Now, you would figure that once she realizes who I am, since we haven't been talking since she decided it was too weird to date her friend's ex-husband, that she would just go about her day. However, she's been messaging me all morning. Was the first text a way to see who I was or did she not want to just come out and message me after how/why we stopped talking?
If she now knows who you are, then I think the latter. What else could it be?
We hadn't spoken in quite a while, so she forgot who John was. She probably knows more than one. However, it hasn't been so long that she should forget me. THat's why I'm confoosed.
Hmmmm.
The newly divorced Russian girl I've had a crush on for over 10 years is visiting in 18 days. So that'll be cool.
I also developed a small crush for a coworker that has a boyfriend. So that's awesome.
Your aim is as reliable as mine it seems. Why do we always want the things we can't have....or can we? :zydar:
Hah, no I just do virtually nothing to meet anyone, so it's rare (very rare) for me to feel much for anyone, and at my age, most girls have boyfriends. So statistically, it's more likely for me to like an already taken girl. Difference is, I just shrug it off. I don't have huge feelings for her or anything, we just get on well enough. I'll live. Honestly between school, my job, my practicum and all of the stuff that entails, I just don't have the huge urge or need to be with anyone unless something good just happens along.
I'm a few years older than you so I know what you mean by girls your age being taken. I'm starting to feel exactly how you feel. I have work, and might need a second job, plus I'm studying like crazy for two separate certifications. Who has time for all of this shit?
Ran into work girl last week. Had a training at her office. Totally forgot that was the office she moved to till I parked and saw her car.. Shot her a text just to be polite and let her know I'm training in her building (in case she sees my car). Within like 90 seconds she was down stairs to day hi. Then after my training she came down and we chit chatted for like 15min before I went back to my office.
Then a few hours later I get a text from her telling me she didn't realize how much she misses me until we saw each other.
Fuck. I wasnt trying to open up a can of worms. I just wanted to not be an asshole. I have zero interest in her (whatever slight Interest I may have had fizzled out quickly..
Later that texted me asking if I wanted to go to some comedy show w her and her friend the next night. I told her I was busy working my security gig and couldn't.
Ugh
Maybe I missed something. Why isn't that a good thing that she wants to see you?
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Because he lost interest and she crazy :lol
Also, hi guys. Super busy and not active here lately. No news that's too exciting but did have a date with a cop (not sure if I mentioned him) last month that went realllllly well. We haven't made plans again yet because we're both hella busy but hoping to. Other than that, still seeing Ginger and the Hubby (there has been a bit of drama, but nothing worth mentioning right now), and saw Knuckles on Friday. I don't have a whole lot of time or energy and my sex drive has been pretty low, but it's all good.
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Because he lost interest and she crazy :lol
I didn't realize Jay was the poster boy for normalcy. :neverusethis: :biggrin:
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Your aim is as reliable as mine it seems. Why do we always want the things we can't have....or can we? :zydar:
Yeah I'm definitely in this group now. I'm trying to get my mind on other things but I swear I'm going to give myself an ulcer soon if I don't do something. Idle minds, etc.
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What's normal now, anyhow?
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So this girl I went to a date with...even though it went really well, I decided to take it easy with things.
...well, after a few days of doing that, I gave in. :lol I started to feel like I was playing games with her and I fucking hate date games and people who does that kind of shit. So I decided to be honest and direct and sent her a message, telling her I had a good time and wanted to meet up again. And she responded and said she felt the same way. :D However, she's leaving town for a while now but she will let me know when she gets back.
Man, it's a good thing I hate games because I suck at playing them. :lol And now, here's me, trying my best to not get too excited.
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Your aim is as reliable as mine it seems. Why do we always want the things we can't have....or can we? :zydar:
Yeah I'm definitely in this group now. I'm trying to get my mind on other things but I swear I'm going to give myself an ulcer soon if I don't do something. Idle minds, etc.
Then do something.
What's normal now, anyhow?
It's a six letter word. That's all.
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I haven't been active on here in awhile, but I've still been seeing 23yo although we are still far from being anything serious. Shit we haven't even had sex and it's been like 4 months of seeing each other. Which typically would be more than enough time for me to give a girl the boot. I respect not putting out immediately but it's been way too long and I need sex. Well anyway, she's so damn awesome and we have such a great time together that I kind of still enjoy seeing her and love chatting with her. When we are together all we do is laugh. It's great. But there's been no sex, the couple times I brought it up her only response is soon.
Having said that, while seeing her I probably dated like 4 or 5 other girls. And before I left for Atlanta I went on a second date with this new girl from Staten Island (well from upstate NY really, but lives in SI). She came over and we had some great sex. It was an amazing release since it's been awhile since I had gotten laid. However, we talk a lot and she's a cool girl and now I feel pretty bad about 23yo. I mean we are so far from being anything serious, but I've never actually been sexually active with one girl while seeing another. Im supposed to see the new girl, let's call her upstate, on Saturday and then 23yo on Sunday night.
I'm kind of lost. I feel like 23yo has the better personality and I enjoy the time with her more, but upstate is way more sexual and fun in that way. I wish I could combine those two. However, I feel bad about being with two girls and I haven't been open about that. I haven't had to lie either since neither of these relationships have been serious, but I've been seeing 23yo for the longest since my ex. My friends have said I need to stop it with 23yo, but it's so damn hard to not want to talk and see her since we have so much fun together. I'm thinking I need to have a more serious discussion to understand where her head is or maybe I'm thinking I should try to friendzone her since she would probably be a cool friend. I'm not really sure.
On another note, I also hung out with a girl I dated almost 2 years ago the other week. Totally as friends, at least I thought so although she dressed very seductively :lol but we just chilled together and with one of her friends so it was all good, I think.
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I haven't been active on here in awhile, but I've still been seeing 23yo although we are still far from being anything serious. Shit we haven't even had sex and it's been like 4 months of seeing each other. Which typically would be more than enough time for me to give a girl the boot. I respect not putting out immediately but it's been way too long and I need sex. Well anyway, she's so damn awesome and we have such a great time together that I kind of still enjoy seeing her and love chatting with her. When we are together all we do is laugh. It's great. But there's been no sex, the couple times I brought it up her only response is soon.
Having said that, while seeing her I probably dated like 4 or 5 other girls. And before I left for Atlanta I went on a second date with this new girl from Staten Island (well from upstate NY really, but lives in SI). She came over and we had some great sex. It was an amazing release since it's been awhile since I had gotten laid. However, we talk a lot and she's a cool girl and now I feel pretty bad about 23yo. I mean we are so far from being anything serious, but I've never actually been sexually active with one girl while seeing another. Im supposed to see the new girl, let's call her upstate, on Saturday and then 23yo on Sunday night.
I'm kind of lost. I feel like 23yo has the better personality and I enjoy the time with her more, but upstate is way more sexual and fun in that way. I wish I could combine those two. However, I feel bad about being with two girls and I haven't been open about that. I haven't had to lie either since neither of these relationships have been serious, but I've been seeing 23yo for the longest since my ex. My friends have said I need to stop it with 23yo, but it's so damn hard to not want to talk and see her since we have so much fun together. I'm thinking I need to have a more serious discussion to understand where her head is or maybe I'm thinking I should try to friendzone her since she would probably be a cool friend. I'm not really sure.
On another note, I also hung out with a girl I dated almost 2 years ago the other week. Totally as friends, at least I thought so although she dressed very seductively :lol but we just chilled together and with one of her friends so it was all good, I think.
If there's no commitment to any of them, and you aren't being deceptive or misleading, you have nothing to feel guilty over.
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Cram, I'm usually the "be honest; lying by omission is still lying" kind of guy, and I've had to deal with that in my own relationship more than I'd like to admit.
But here, I think you're fine. What if 23yo turns out to be everything you dreamed of in the sack? Why not, if everything else is good, see where it goes? If you've not committed to monogamy with her, I don't see the difference. (You just have to be honest with yourself; if 23yo is expecting you to be four months fresh when you finally DO do it, well, that's something you have to face). Maybe it's because I'm older, but when you're 70 the conversation, the "I love being with her" is going to be far more important than whether she tickles your balls with her tongue. Yeah, it's important, no I'm not suggesting you compromise your sex life, but I'm saying wait until you have FULL information until you make a decision. You have a big data gap right now, and I don't think you should make a decision - provided your conscience can support your actions - until you've filled that data gap.
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Yea that all makes sense. Maybe it's because it's uncharted territory for me that it makes me feel uneasy about it. I just don't like to be considered an asshole or something and while it does feel like it's fair game considering the non seriousness, I do kind of feel like an asshole.
On another note, I did meet a pretty cool girl in Atlanta through tinder. Strictly a friendship though, but was really cool how we matched and chatted and made it clear to just be friends and we met up for drinks a couple nights this week. Girls just aren't that nice near me in NJ to just be able to be a friend through tinder.
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There's a difference between being an asshole and someone thinking you're an asshole because things didn't work out the way they thought they would in their head. Granted, it's not always possible to separate the two (or to see when it's one not the other) but I think if you're honest with yourself, and reasonably honest with both of them, you'll be fine.
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Having said that, while seeing her I probably dated like 4 or 5 other girls. And before I left for Atlanta I went on a second date with this new girl from Staten Island (well from upstate NY really, but lives in SI). She came over and we had some great sex. It was an amazing release since it's been awhile since I had gotten laid. However, we talk a lot and she's a cool girl and now I feel pretty bad about 23yo. I mean we are so far from being anything serious, but I've never actually been sexually active with one girl while seeing another. Im supposed to see the new girl, let's call her upstate, on Saturday and then 23yo on Sunday night.
Where in Staten Island is this girl from?
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Having said that, while seeing her I probably dated like 4 or 5 other girls. And before I left for Atlanta I went on a second date with this new girl from Staten Island (well from upstate NY really, but lives in SI). She came over and we had some great sex. It was an amazing release since it's been awhile since I had gotten laid. However, we talk a lot and she's a cool girl and now I feel pretty bad about 23yo. I mean we are so far from being anything serious, but I've never actually been sexually active with one girl while seeing another. Im supposed to see the new girl, let's call her upstate, on Saturday and then 23yo on Sunday night.
Where in Staten Island is this girl from?
Near the outerbridge. Not sure exactly. Im going to her place tomorrow so I should have a better idea then. I'm not really familiar with SI overall.
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I feel like a huge portion of this thread is a build up to Cram and Prog finally having a 3 way (don't worry, no contact between you two). So I'll just be hanging out here until that happens.
....waiting...
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Having said that, while seeing her I probably dated like 4 or 5 other girls. And before I left for Atlanta I went on a second date with this new girl from Staten Island (well from upstate NY really, but lives in SI). She came over and we had some great sex. It was an amazing release since it's been awhile since I had gotten laid. However, we talk a lot and she's a cool girl and now I feel pretty bad about 23yo. I mean we are so far from being anything serious, but I've never actually been sexually active with one girl while seeing another. Im supposed to see the new girl, let's call her upstate, on Saturday and then 23yo on Sunday night.
Where in Staten Island is this girl from?
Near the outerbridge. Not sure exactly. Im going to her place tomorrow so I should have a better idea then. I'm not really familiar with SI overall.
That's near me. I'm only asking because it would be funny (or not so much) if you were dating one of my many cousins.
I feel like a huge portion of this thread is a build up to Cram and Prog finally having a 3 way (don't worry, no contact between you two). So I'll just be hanging out here until that happens.
....waiting...
(https://cdn.business2community.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/tumblr_m26nwnRvVT1r78rf5o1_5003.gif)
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:rollin
She is from binghampton though, not from the area and has no family here.
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So, I put in my profile that I'd like to meet someone who knows how to write and doesn't write lyk dis yo. The first fucking message I get. Hi, h r u? Wht r u up 2?
Are you fucking kidding me?
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So, I put in my profile that I'd like to meet someone who knows how to write and doesn't write lyk dis yo. The first fucking message I get. Hi, h r u? Wht r u up 2?
Are you fucking kidding me?
A brilliant attempt at irony?
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That's something I would do to break the ice.
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So, I put in my profile that I'd like to meet someone who knows how to write and doesn't write lyk dis yo. The first fucking message I get. Hi, h r u? Wht r u up 2?
Are you fucking kidding me?
A brilliant attempt at irony?
That's something I would do to break the ice.
I don't think this was an attempt at humor.
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That's something I would do to break the ice.
Me too.
I don't think this was an attempt at humor.
But how do you know? I would start a convo if I felt the girl's profile was attractive.
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John, da fuq? :lol
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I don't think this was an attempt at humor.
But how do you know? I would start a convo if I felt the girl's profile was attractive.
It's just a gut feeling that she really does type like that sometimes. She lives far though, so I doubt I'll pursue her further.
John, da fuq? :lol
Was that Russian? ;)
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So last weekend, I hung out with Upstate at her place in Staten Island. It was nice, we went to Outback for drinks and dinner and then back to her place. She kind of forced me to watch reality TV which I wasn't crazy about but then we went to her bedroom and had some fun. I kind of felt like she was rushing things a bit. She was making a lot of off hand comments about our future together. They weren't much but there were a bunch through out the night and when added up made me really feel like she was internally planning out the next couple months together. She had also been saying things through text and acting very much attached overall. While I mostly had fun that evening, I left feeling like maybe things were too much for someone I've hardly hung out with and given my other situation with 23yo. So the next day I hung out with 23yo in the evening. We had our typical night of hanging out at my place and it was just such a better experience. Anyway, we actuallly became a bit more sexually active as well. She admitted she was a virgin (which I was thinking was the case, but also not totally sure how I feel about that) but then proceeded to have fun in other sexual ways. It was huge progress and afterwards really made me feel like Upstate was not what I was interested in.
So this week. 23yo made plans with me for Wednesday and Upstate for Thursday since both wanted to celebrate my birthday. Wednesday was a ton of fun with 23yo. Nothing really crazy, but our typical fun night together. And then today. Well the entire week I had mostly slowed down my talking with Upstate because I honestly just wasn't even looking forward to hanging out with her. It definitely felt like 23yo made the move at the right time and kind of just left me feeling like I was more excited for one and not the other girl. This morning I told Upstate that I didn't think there was a future together and wrote a really long message describing my feelings. She didn't respond at all. I clearly hurt her and I feel terrible. I do feel like a weight is off my back. I am really surprised I never got a response because she is really a talker. Well 23yo and I plan on watching the debate on Monday together and I am so excited for the night together. I guess maybe starting things with Upstate was a mistake but I'm glad things shaked out this week.
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^^^ I think this is consistent with what I've said before, but don't beat yourself up. remember what I said: there's "being an asshole" because you truly are an inconsiderate fu**, and there's "being an asshole" simply because you didn't give the answer that was desired or expected. If that comparison was what was necessary to get your head straight, I don't think I'd waste too much breath apologizing, except to be polite and considerate.
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So last weekend, I hung out with Upstate at her place in Staten Island. It was nice, we went to Outback for drinks and dinner and then back to her place. She kind of forced me to watch reality TV which I wasn't crazy about but then we went to her bedroom and had some fun. I kind of felt like she was rushing things a bit. She was making a lot of off hand comments about our future together. They weren't much but there were a bunch through out the night and when added up made me really feel like she was internally planning out the next couple months together. She had also been saying things through text and acting very much attached overall. While I mostly had fun that evening, I left feeling like maybe things were too much for someone I've hardly hung out with
Oh, boy. Yeah, these scenarios rarely turn out well. When women do this, it's out of being in love with the concept of being in a relationship more than it is about the guy himself. Sure, she may find various things about him attractive, otherwise she wouldn't be hanging out with him, but when the insinuations of deep feelings and plans being made for the two of you far in advance that reveal she envisions the two of you being an "item" surface, it's time to be a bit concerned. This is why I always discuss intent before the ball even gets rolling, so to speak. It's usually effective, but once in a blue moon, I'll still run into a problem.
About a month ago, I hooked up with a nice looking blonde after a local gig, and explained to her I wasn't looking for a relationship beforehand. She told me she had too much going on in her life to be in one, as well. The next morning, she asked if we could exchange numbers. She said "no problem with us still communicating as friends, right?" I agreed.
Two days later, she texted me an announcement for an event in 2017, along with the words "hey, babe. we need to go to this." Rather than text her, I called her, and we had the uncomfortable talk. She was cool about it, but I never heard from her again after it.
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Oh man, that's a bit much :lol
Anyway, I deactivated my OKC profile for now. I'm over being disappointed by people.
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Anyway, I deactivated my OKC profile for now. I'm over being disappointed by people.
Sorry to hear that.
Upstate finally messaged me back from last Thursday morning when I sent her the ending text. She sent me a long message and she said she saw it coming based on how I acted Saturday, but then blamed me for not acting like I was going to end it as well. So that was confusing, but Im glad she responded because I felt like that was kind of dick as well to just ignore me when I wrote out a really long thoughtful message. Either way, the dust has settled with that.
On a side note, my ex who I was engaged to and dated for 9 years, who I broke up with 2 years ago, is now engaged again. Not bitter or any negativity from me on that, just find it odd how quickly she settled back down and it's with a guy I had met before since he was a friend of her friends and that I'm fairly certain he was the only guy she dated since we broke up. I think I've dated over 20 girls in that time. Kind of funny how things turn out. No complaints from me, best of luck to her.
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Upstate finally messaged me back from last Thursday morning when I sent her the ending text. She sent me a long message and she said she saw it coming based on how I acted Saturday, but then blamed me for not acting like I was going to end it as well. So that was confusing, but Im glad she responded because I felt like that was kind of dick as well to just ignore me when I wrote out a really long thoughtful message. Either way, the dust has settled with that.
Well, good. You didn't lie to or mislead her, so you have every reason to feel zero guilt. As big a proponent I am of whoring around, the very second a guy starts hurling bullshit promises or is purposely unclear about his intent to get a woman into bed is the moment he becomes a scumbag. I have no respect for that shit, and I am quick to call out any of my friends who are still compelled to resort to that kind of nonsense.
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Yea, I don't think I was ever dishonest or anything with her. I'm just happy that was last week and this week brings new adventures. Had a debate date last night with 23yo which was really fun.
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Hand job every time Trump said "big lig"?
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Hand job every time Trump said "big lig"?
:lol nah just one at the end of the debate :biggrin:
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Hand job every time Trump said "big lig"?
Are you offering?
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I would, I'm nothing if not a team player, but I don't want to complicate things for Cram; he's finally got a little direction! :)
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Hold that thought until he needs it. :lol
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I'm so confused, I lost whatever direction I had I think
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(https://wilddamntexan.com/kids/moral_compass_120626.png)
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So, a couple of weeks ago I saw this girl on the train on my way home. We made eye contact, smiled, and I figured it was one of those situations where we would never see each other again. However, she winds up getting off at my stop. The next morning, as I'm waiting for the train to arrive, I see her again. We smile, say hello, and that's that. Over the last couple of weeks I saw her a few times and we exchanged a hello or how are you. I kept trying to force myself to go up to her and start a conversation. I overthink things sometimes so instead of just doing it, I'm playing the conversation starter in my head a million times. Last night I saw her on the train again. I was waiting for the doors to open and she was behind me, so as they opened I turned to her and said, "after you." She gave me a big smile, said thank you, and that was it.
So this morning comes. I'm standing on the platform and I didn't see her at first. I told myself that if she showed up that I would start a conversation and maybe even get her number. A couple of minutes before the train arrives I see her walking down the platform. She stops about fifteen feet away and I'm looking straight ahead, but I have excellent peripheral vision and I can see her eyeing me. I turn to her and she smiles and says hi. I say hi back, ask her how she's doing, and that's that. We get on the train. I sit near her and I'm thinking in my head how to start the conversation. I finally say fuck it and move to sit next to her. She smiles and says hi again. I asked her name and from that moment until we went different ways we had a great conversation. Before I got off the ferry I asked if she would like to exchange numbers. So now I'm playing the Swingers game. Do I message her right away or wait until around lunch time? Or do I wait until tonight? That is the question of the day.
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You always wait three days to call a woman. Jesus waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story!
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I'm so confused, I lost whatever direction I had I think
Well, not that it's my thing, or that I'm looking forward to it or anything, but apparently Prog Snob just pimped you a handjob at some future date. ;)
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So, a couple of weeks ago I saw this girl on the train on my way home. We made eye contact, smiled, and I figured it was one of those situations where we would never see each other again. However, she winds up getting off at my stop. The next morning, as I'm waiting for the train to arrive, I see her again. We smile, say hello, and that's that. Over the last couple of weeks I saw her a few times and we exchanged a hello or how are you. I kept trying to force myself to go up to her and start a conversation. I overthink things sometimes so instead of just doing it, I'm playing the conversation starter in my head a million times. Last night I saw her on the train again. I was waiting for the doors to open and she was behind me, so as they opened I turned to her and said, "after you." She gave me a big smile, said thank you, and that was it.
So this morning comes. I'm standing on the platform and I didn't see her at first. I told myself that if she showed up that I would start a conversation and maybe even get her number. A couple of minutes before the train arrives I see her walking down the platform. She stops about fifteen feet away and I'm looking straight ahead, but I have excellent peripheral vision and I can see her eyeing me. I turn to her and she smiles and says hi. I say hi back, ask her how she's doing, and that's that. We get on the train. I sit near her and I'm thinking in my head how to start the conversation. I finally say fuck it and move to sit next to her. She smiles and says hi again. I asked her name and from that moment until we went different ways we had a great conversation. Before I got off the ferry I asked if she would like to exchange numbers. So now I'm playing the Swingers game. Do I message her right away or wait until around lunch time? Or do I wait until tonight? That is the question of the day.
Not that you need advise from me, but one thought: whether it is one day, two days, three days, whatever, but DO NOT wait until the next random meet at the train. ABSOLUTELY message her, because that sends the message that it's NOT random. Assuming you're interested, of course.
EDIT: Oh, and I don't buy into the "three day rule". It's all in keeping with your interactions so far; you have to read her. You've been catching random meetings so far and it's working, so for you, I wouldn't do it immediately. I wouldn't wait until Christ rises again, either. Sounds like - and this is ultimately your call of course - a day or two. Not too soon, to preserve the anticipation you have already, but not too late, so you risk running into her again and having to say the EXTREMELY LAME "I was going to message you...". Yeah, sure, but you DIDN'T.
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I'd text her that day, if for no other reason than to get your number in her phone and let her know its you. And yea, if you are going to see her the next day, then text her before that.
Also, that's awesome that you made the move :metal
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I'm going to message her later on. I am definitely interested in getting to know her. The age difference is the only issue but I guess we'll see what happens.
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The three day rule is silly. There's no need to contact her immediately after getting her number, but any woman worth having can easily be snatched up by someone else in three days.
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I don't get the 3 day thing at all. Start communicating, what's the wait? A 3 day mind game makes no sense to me.
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Agreed. Sure, you don't want to look too eager, but you can absolutely text somebody in less time without looking like a weirdo. I'm so over those stupid games.
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You dig a person text, call. Don't hesitate.
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I didn't feel like playing these waiting games either so I said fuck it. I texted her last night and we went back and forth for a couple of hours. It seemed like it was going well. I messaged her again a few hours ago and I haven't heard from her. Maybe she's busy.
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I don't get the 3 day thing at all. Start communicating, what's the wait? A 3 day mind game makes no sense to me.
It really is dumb, and a lot of guys seem to think women aren't aware of this "rule". They are completely aware of it, and find it lame most of the time.
However, one thing I absolutely will not do is get caught up in lengthy texting marathon sessions for a number of reasons. (it's fucking exhausting, being one of the biggest) I try to use texting/calling only for arranging to meet up or just a quick spontaneous attempt at something humorous to hopefully get her excited about meeting up.
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Waiting is stupid. Shit or get off the pot.
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It really is dumb,
Waiting is stupid.
What are we, back in third grade? :lol
Kidding aside, I made my move and that's that..
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Dilly-dallying is for poo poo heads.
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However, one thing I absolutely will not do is get caught up in lengthy texting marathon sessions for a number of reasons. (it's fucking exhausting, being one of the biggest) I try to use texting/calling only for arranging to meet up or just a quick spontaneous attempt at something humorous to hopefully get her excited about meeting up.
I feel like texting is all anyone does (or messaging via another app). I find I am always caught in a texting marathon and usually that means I am making progress with getting to know someone or getting closer to being comfortable with meeting up.
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Dilly-dallying is for poo poo heads.
NO U
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However, one thing I absolutely will not do is get caught up in lengthy texting marathon sessions for a number of reasons. (it's fucking exhausting, being one of the biggest) I try to use texting/calling only for arranging to meet up or just a quick spontaneous attempt at something humorous to hopefully get her excited about meeting up.
I feel like texting is all anyone does (or messaging via another app). I find I am always caught in a texting marathon and usually that means I am making progress with getting to know someone or getting closer to being comfortable with meeting up.
I text my girlfriend regularly throughout the day and most days it's the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind in my cubicle.
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Oh yea, I text with 23yo a lot now (she didn't use to text so much but since weve been seeing each other so much, we text throughout the day constantly now). It definitely helps keep me entertained through work.
Anyway, a funny and interesting story and pertains to lonely hearts. This girl that is a good family friend that I've known since we were kids got married last year. Her husbands a cool guy and all and I'd hang out with them every once in awhile or we'd see each other when our families got together. Over the summer we ran into each other at a Slipknot concert and she told me to start inviting her to concerts that I go to. So over the course of the summer she came with me to see 311, Disturbed, and I ran into her again at Korn. Anyway, since we had hung out a few times over the summer she had started to open up a lot to me about her marriage problems. Well now she is getting a divorce and she came to my annual bbq last weekend and was ALL OVER ME. Like bad, and it was extremely uncomfortable. My friend who also came to Disturbed thought she was into me then, but I told him she's married and I really doubt it. But I think he was clearly right. My parents stopped by my house that night and also noticed how she was acting. My mom called me the other day just to tell me "do not fuck her" :rollin which I definitely was not going to do, but that is some funny blunt motherly advice.
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You dig a person text, call. Don't hesitate.
My first date with my now-wife was over at 10:00 (she had to be home for the sitter) and so I stopped for a quick nightcap at my local bar. I was talking to one of the waitresses who knew of my date (gorgeous woman, literally half my age) and she asked how it went and I said "I was blown away" (I was). Then I made a joke about "waiting three days" and she said point blank, "Fuck that, text her right now and tell her you had a great time." I hedged, and she literally grabbed my phone and said "You do it or I do it" so I did it. Best move ever.
There are no rules; it's all about the people. A girl who is creeped out about a quick text is going to find something else to be creeped out by, and a guy who is going to go all stalker after one date is going to find something else to be obsessive about. You're not doing anything but delaying the inevitable.
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Oh yea, I text with 23yo a lot now (she didn't use to text so much but since weve been seeing each other so much, we text throughout the day constantly now). It definitely helps keep me entertained through work.
Anyway, a funny and interesting story and pertains to lonely hearts. This girl that is a good family friend that I've known since we were kids got married last year. Her husbands a cool guy and all and I'd hang out with them every once in awhile or we'd see each other when our families got together. Over the summer we ran into each other at a Slipknot concert and she told me to start inviting her to concerts that I go to. So over the course of the summer she came with me to see 311, Disturbed, and I ran into her again at Korn. Anyway, since we had hung out a few times over the summer she had started to open up a lot to me about her marriage problems. Well now she is getting a divorce and she came to my annual bbq last weekend and was ALL OVER ME. Like bad, and it was extremely uncomfortable. My friend who also came to Disturbed thought she was into me then, but I told him she's married and I really doubt it. But I think he was clearly right. My parents stopped by my house that night and also noticed how she was acting. My mom called me the other day just to tell me "do not fuck her" :rollin which I definitely was not going to do, but that is some funny blunt motherly advice.
:lol
My mother would never say anything like that. My father on the other hand... A few years back when my friend's girlfriend had a thing for me and we wound up fucking, my father said, "real fucking nice, John. You fucked her." :lol
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My mom called me the other day just to tell me "do not fuck her" :rollin which I definitely was not going to do, but that is some funny blunt motherly advice.
Haha, I could very easily, and very happily, go through life without my mom ever telling me "do not fuck her!" about ANY woman. Hahaha!
What's the deal; she not your type? She's not your thing?
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My mom called me the other day just to tell me "do not fuck her" :rollin which I definitely was not going to do, but that is some funny blunt motherly advice.
Haha, I could very easily, and very happily, go through life without my mom ever telling me "do not fuck her!" about ANY woman. Hahaha!
What's the deal; she not your type? She's not your thing?
Too close of a family friend. She's not my type either and I'd rather just be her friend. I can only take her in small doses. Also, she is still married and told me she doesn't plan on moving out for awhile which to me is a huge red flag for me. My mother's reasoning was the same and I agreed with her.
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However, one thing I absolutely will not do is get caught up in lengthy texting marathon sessions for a number of reasons. (it's fucking exhausting, being one of the biggest) I try to use texting/calling only for arranging to meet up or just a quick spontaneous attempt at something humorous to hopefully get her excited about meeting up.
I feel like texting is all anyone does (or messaging via another app). I find I am always caught in a texting marathon and usually that means I am making progress with getting to know someone or getting closer to being comfortable with meeting up.
I'm not saying it's a guaranteed recipe for disaster all the time, but I've witnessed many of my friends bombarding women with excessive attention early on via text to the point that the women ended up growing to value the texting side of things more than the face to face meetings. They can still get an emotional connection and fulfillment without even having to get off the sofa, get ready and go out. A lot of times, the end result was the meetups kind of flatlined because the guys "blew their wad" in all the text exchanges, and ended up friendzoned.
I also think getting too caught up in the endless ping pong match of texting early on often sets people up to get worrisome and butthurt (WTF!! I haven't heard from her in 5 hours!!! What did I do wrong?!?!?! Is she texting another guy!!?!?) when there's a significant pause in the communication, and it really shouldn't be that way.
But overall, I just think it's better to make the biggest impact in person.
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However, one thing I absolutely will not do is get caught up in lengthy texting marathon sessions for a number of reasons. (it's fucking exhausting, being one of the biggest) I try to use texting/calling only for arranging to meet up or just a quick spontaneous attempt at something humorous to hopefully get her excited about meeting up.
I feel like texting is all anyone does (or messaging via another app). I find I am always caught in a texting marathon and usually that means I am making progress with getting to know someone or getting closer to being comfortable with meeting up.
I'm not saying it's a guaranteed recipe for disaster all the time, but I've witnessed many of my friends bombarding women with excessive attention early on via text to the point that the women ended up growing to value the texting side of things more than the face to face meetings. They can still get an emotional connection and fulfillment without even having to get off the sofa, get ready and go out. A lot of times, the end result was the meetups kind of flatlined because the guys "blew their wad" in all the text exchanges, and ended up friendzoned.
I also think getting too caught up in the endless ping pong match of texting early on often sets people up to get worrisome and butthurt (WTF!! I haven't heard from her in 5 hours!!! What did I do wrong?!?!?! Is she texting another guy!!?!?) when there's a significant pause in the communication, and it really shouldn't be that way.
But overall, I just think it's better to make the biggest impact in person.
Ah yes, definitely. Got to have reciprocation. Especially early, if the girl isn't responding, I don't keep texting.
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Spent the weekend with my beautiful Russian friend. Was pretty much bliss. Essentially a brief vacation into a different reality where she and I would have been together.
Now back to reality, sadly.
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Reality bites
Sucks man
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Waiting is stupid. Shit or get off the pot.
I 100% agree. Girls want guys to seem interested. We want you to text us later that night or the next day. Otherwise, if you wait 3 or 4 days, we think you forgot about us and we're not "important" to you.. text, call, whatever. Communicate with us and we will reciprocate.
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Reality bites
Sucks man
Eh, just a little. I knew going in that we couldn't work out. So I wasn't disappointed . But what happened so far exceeded my expectations that I can't possibly feel anything but great about it
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Reality bites
Sucks man
Eh, just a little. I knew going in that we couldn't work out. So I wasn't disappointed . But what happened so far exceeded my expectations that I can't possibly feel anything but great about it
That's good then, nothing like having a great experience with someone else and having that great feeling after its over when you are reflecting on what happened. Just sucks that you can't pursue that feeling.
Waiting is stupid. Shit or get off the pot.
I 100% agree. Girls want guys to seem interested. We want you to text us later that night or the next day. Otherwise, if you wait 3 or 4 days, we think you forgot about us and we're not "important" to you.. text, call, whatever. Communicate with us and we will reciprocate.
Glad to hear a woman confirm this. That's kind of what I felt, the waiting game is just that, a game. Most people don't like games.
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Still talking back and forth with Snow. I'm still not sure what inspired this messaging out of the blue. She said she isn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship, and obviously neither am I. I enjoy talking to her and we did agree to meet for coffee or a drink soon. Maybe this common ground will give us both some comfort and things will slowly fall into place. We'll see. I'm not pushing anything.
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Glad to hear a woman confirm this. That's kind of what I felt, the waiting game is just that, a game. Most people don't like games.
Even though I believe the "three day rule" is silly, I do know there are women out there who are absolute suckers for push/pull games.
Ultimately, they end up being the kind of women you don't want (in terms of an actual relationship, anyway) but they're definitely out there.
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Still talking back and forth with Snow. I'm still not sure what inspired this messaging out of the blue. She said she isn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship, and obviously neither am I. I enjoy talking to her and we did agree to meet for coffee or a drink soon. Maybe this common ground will give us both some comfort and things will slowly fall into place. We'll see. I'm not pushing anything.
This is great! Sometimes the relationship doesn't need to start out romantically, just a casual relationship where you can find common ground (as you mentioned). Often times, that's what a person needs: a companion to just relate to. If something comes from it, then that's a bonus.
Glad to hear a woman confirm this. That's kind of what I felt, the waiting game is just that, a game. Most people don't like games.
Even though I believe the "three day rule" is silly, I do know there are women out there who are absolute suckers for push/pull games.
Ultimately, they end up being the kind of women you don't want (in terms of an actual relationship, anyway) but they're definitely out there.
Oh absolutely there are women who are still out there playing the push/pull game. There will always be childish women (and men) who just can't communicate like an adult. Annoying AF.
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Still talking back and forth with Snow. I'm still not sure what inspired this messaging out of the blue. She said she isn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship, and obviously neither am I. I enjoy talking to her and we did agree to meet for coffee or a drink soon. Maybe this common ground will give us both some comfort and things will slowly fall into place. We'll see. I'm not pushing anything.
This is great! Sometimes the relationship doesn't need to start out romantically, just a casual relationship where you can find common ground (as you mentioned). Often times, that's what a person needs: a companion to just relate to. If something comes from it, then that's a bonus.
Okay, let's have that conversation now. :)
I think there is something to be said for the "friend zone", but I think that "something" is that men and women DO think differently. I have this "argument" with my wife regularly. She is very attractive (legit beauty contestant winner) and she's one of those that says "Oh, most of my friends are men; women are too catty.". And while I'm secure and don't let it affect our relationship, we do have the philosophical conversation that I think it is rarer than she would believe.
And what I mean is, they MAY be friends, but while she may have no interest in moving from the friend zone, I guarantee she would be surprised at how many of her "male friends" would evolve that relationship if given the opportunity. And I'm not at all just assuming "they'd f--- her because she's hot". I mean that we evaluate things differently. I have friends that are female, but I'd be lying to you if there wasn't at some point - and with some, more than literally "one point" - that moment of consideration of "is this someone I'd take things to the next level with". And some the answer is "no" - for various reasons, including respecting a relationship she is in - but it was still a consideration.
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Still talking back and forth with Snow. I'm still not sure what inspired this messaging out of the blue. She said she isn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship, and obviously neither am I. I enjoy talking to her and we did agree to meet for coffee or a drink soon. Maybe this common ground will give us both some comfort and things will slowly fall into place. We'll see. I'm not pushing anything.
This is great! Sometimes the relationship doesn't need to start out romantically, just a casual relationship where you can find common ground (as you mentioned). Often times, that's what a person needs: a companion to just relate to. If something comes from it, then that's a bonus.
Glad to hear a woman confirm this. That's kind of what I felt, the waiting game is just that, a game. Most people don't like games.
Even though I believe the "three day rule" is silly, I do know there are women out there who are absolute suckers for push/pull games.
Ultimately, they end up being the kind of women you don't want (in terms of an actual relationship, anyway) but they're definitely out there.
Oh absolutely there are women who are still out there playing the push/pull game. There will always be childish women (and men) who just can't communicate like an adult. Annoying AF.
Yes, there are definitely women who orchestrate the game, but I was referring to the ones who actually end up getting sucked into it by the guy. They enjoy the intrigue and mystery of not being able to figure the guy out as he pushes her away one minute, only to pull her back in the next. Funny enough, these are often the same women you hear shouting "NO DRAMA!" from the mountain tops.
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Still talking back and forth with Snow. I'm still not sure what inspired this messaging out of the blue. She said she isn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship, and obviously neither am I. I enjoy talking to her and we did agree to meet for coffee or a drink soon. Maybe this common ground will give us both some comfort and things will slowly fall into place. We'll see. I'm not pushing anything.
This is great! Sometimes the relationship doesn't need to start out romantically, just a casual relationship where you can find common ground (as you mentioned). Often times, that's what a person needs: a companion to just relate to. If something comes from it, then that's a bonus.
Okay, let's have that conversation now. :)
I think there is something to be said for the "friend zone", but I think that "something" is that men and women DO think differently. I have this "argument" with my wife regularly. She is very attractive (legit beauty contestant winner) and she's one of those that says "Oh, most of my friends are men; women are too catty.". And while I'm secure and don't let it affect our relationship, we do have the philosophical conversation that I think it is rarer than she would believe.
And what I mean is, they MAY be friends, but while she may have no interest in moving from the friend zone, I guarantee she would be surprised at how many of her "male friends" would evolve that relationship if given the opportunity. And I'm not at all just assuming "they'd f--- her because she's hot". I mean that we evaluate things differently. I have friends that are female, but I'd be lying to you if there wasn't at some point - and with some, more than literally "one point" - that moment of consideration of "is this someone I'd take things to the next level with". And some the answer is "no" - for various reasons, including respecting a relationship she is in - but it was still a consideration.
You're absolutely on point with this and I completely agree with you. There is a different perspective among males & females of the so-called (and sometimes dreaded) "Friend Zone". I definitely can relate to your wife in that I probably have more male than female friends but the reason for that is, I have such different interests than a lot of females so it's sometimes easier for me to relate to males. Now, this doesn't go to say that I am naive to the idea that some of these male friends are interested in evolving our friendship into something more or just a quick 1-nighter. BUT, I make it a point to keep my attitude, "flirting", and all other "signs" (for lack of a better word) in check when I'm around a male friend that I truly am wanting as just a friend. Is it probably super aggregating for him if he's wanting more? Yeah. But I've set my boundaries and it comes down to respect.
In the same breath, I will say that it's tough as a female to be put in the "Friend Zone" but still be led on. I think when you start a relationship (just in general, not romantic) with someone of the opposite sex, it set's the tone and sometimes expectation of what path you're going down. Example: If you start out screwing on the first night then expect to go to the "Friend Zone", someone is not going to be a happy camper. However, if you start out truly as just friends, nothing physical and not going out on dates, then the tone of the relationship is (I think) set for friendship. Nothing more, nothing less. Thoughts?
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Still talking back and forth with Snow. I'm still not sure what inspired this messaging out of the blue. She said she isn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship, and obviously neither am I. I enjoy talking to her and we did agree to meet for coffee or a drink soon. Maybe this common ground will give us both some comfort and things will slowly fall into place. We'll see. I'm not pushing anything.
This is great! Sometimes the relationship doesn't need to start out romantically, just a casual relationship where you can find common ground (as you mentioned). Often times, that's what a person needs: a companion to just relate to. If something comes from it, then that's a bonus.
Glad to hear a woman confirm this. That's kind of what I felt, the waiting game is just that, a game. Most people don't like games.
Even though I believe the "three day rule" is silly, I do know there are women out there who are absolute suckers for push/pull games.
Ultimately, they end up being the kind of women you don't want (in terms of an actual relationship, anyway) but they're definitely out there.
Oh absolutely there are women who are still out there playing the push/pull game. There will always be childish women (and men) who just can't communicate like an adult. Annoying AF.
Yes, there are definitely women who orchestrate the game, but I was referring to the ones who actually end up getting sucked into it by the guy. They enjoy the intrigue and mystery of not being able to figure the guy out as he pushes her away one minute, only to pull her back in the next. Funny enough, these are often the same women you hear shouting "NO DRAMA!" from the mountain tops.
:rollin :rollin :rollin this is true.. i will admit i have been in that situation where i got sucked into the game a guy was playing. HOWEVER, it never snowballed into a "no drama" rant, i kept it lowkey LOL
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And what I mean is, they MAY be friends, but while she may have no interest in moving from the friend zone, I guarantee she would be surprised at how many of her "male friends" would evolve that relationship if given the opportunity. And I'm not at all just assuming "they'd f--- her because she's hot". I mean that we evaluate things differently. I have friends that are female, but I'd be lying to you if there wasn't at some point - and with some, more than literally "one point" - that moment of consideration of "is this someone I'd take things to the next level with". And some the answer is "no" - for various reasons, including respecting a relationship she is in - but it was still a consideration.
This, so much. My ex could not understand this. She friended many males and for the most part, no big deal to me. I'm not the jealous type normally or anything. However, there were instances of a guy here or there, from my view, was clearly wanting to be more than friends. My ex would always deny. "There's no way!" but yes, as a guy, I know the signs of a guy who wants more than friendship.
Having said that, my ex is now engaged to a guy I had met as her "friend" when we were still together. Coincidence?
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Daaaammnnnn... sorry to hear that, shady business!
So, what are the signs you pick up on if a guy wants to be more than friends with a female?
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Still talking back and forth with Snow. I'm still not sure what inspired this messaging out of the blue. She said she isn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship, and obviously neither am I. I enjoy talking to her and we did agree to meet for coffee or a drink soon. Maybe this common ground will give us both some comfort and things will slowly fall into place. We'll see. I'm not pushing anything.
This is great! Sometimes the relationship doesn't need to start out romantically, just a casual relationship where you can find common ground (as you mentioned). Often times, that's what a person needs: a companion to just relate to. If something comes from it, then that's a bonus.
Okay, let's have that conversation now. :)
I think there is something to be said for the "friend zone", but I think that "something" is that men and women DO think differently. I have this "argument" with my wife regularly. She is very attractive (legit beauty contestant winner) and she's one of those that says "Oh, most of my friends are men; women are too catty.". And while I'm secure and don't let it affect our relationship, we do have the philosophical conversation that I think it is rarer than she would believe.
And what I mean is, they MAY be friends, but while she may have no interest in moving from the friend zone, I guarantee she would be surprised at how many of her "male friends" would evolve that relationship if given the opportunity. And I'm not at all just assuming "they'd f--- her because she's hot". I mean that we evaluate things differently. I have friends that are female, but I'd be lying to you if there wasn't at some point - and with some, more than literally "one point" - that moment of consideration of "is this someone I'd take things to the next level with". And some the answer is "no" - for various reasons, including respecting a relationship she is in - but it was still a consideration.
Men and women definitely think differently. We're wired differently, so for anyone to say we're identical, it's ludicrous. Though, this is an overall generalization. I'm sure there are exceptions. Men are less apprehensive when it comes to choosing someone to sleep with, man or woman. Men are always thinking outside the friend zone.
(https://delightfullydysfunctional.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/ser-jorah-friendzone-300x168.jpg)
As far as my situation, I'd be totally fine if it never went past being friends. Besides, she's a bit straight-laced and I'm a weirdo. I don't mind it so much but what's she going to say when I want to put up my orc statue next to her Spode dinnerware?
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Daaaammnnnn... sorry to hear that, shady business!
So, what are the signs you pick up on if a guy wants to be more than friends with a female?
No need to be sorry, that was good riddance.
Reading a guys eyes, the way he speaks, flirty motions, does he text you at night? Are you conversing throughout the day, does he have a girlfriend? Does he do the things I do when I like a girl? There's lots of things that I might pick up that show a guy is interested in more than just friendship.
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And what I mean is, they MAY be friends, but while she may have no interest in moving from the friend zone, I guarantee she would be surprised at how many of her "male friends" would evolve that relationship if given the opportunity. And I'm not at all just assuming "they'd f--- her because she's hot". I mean that we evaluate things differently. I have friends that are female, but I'd be lying to you if there wasn't at some point - and with some, more than literally "one point" - that moment of consideration of "is this someone I'd take things to the next level with". And some the answer is "no" - for various reasons, including respecting a relationship she is in - but it was still a consideration.
This, so much. My ex could not understand this. She friended many males and for the most part, no big deal to me. I'm not the jealous type normally or anything. However, there were instances of a guy here or there, from my view, was clearly wanting to be more than friends. My ex would always deny. "There's no way!" but yes, as a guy, I know the signs of a guy who wants more than friendship.
Having said that, my ex is now engaged to a guy I had met as her "friend" when we were still together. Coincidence?
THREE TIMES! THREE TIMES, Cram. My ex-wife said that. "Oh, we're just FRIENDS." The first time nothing happened but the guy got lit up at my house one time and as we were (the two of us) sitting on the back porch he let slip that "I wanna fuck your wife". Oh, okay. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. The third one is now her husband, and like you, I used to se him a lot as a "friend" when we were together.
As for signs, uh, if he has a pulse? Haha, seriously, I don't know. It's like obscenity; I'll know it when I see it. But as a generality, that little "flirtatious, harmless comment" might be harmless, but it might double as a trial balloon.
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All those signs are ones I've looked out for as well so I guess I'm ahead of the game LOL
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And what I mean is, they MAY be friends, but while she may have no interest in moving from the friend zone, I guarantee she would be surprised at how many of her "male friends" would evolve that relationship if given the opportunity. And I'm not at all just assuming "they'd f--- her because she's hot". I mean that we evaluate things differently. I have friends that are female, but I'd be lying to you if there wasn't at some point - and with some, more than literally "one point" - that moment of consideration of "is this someone I'd take things to the next level with". And some the answer is "no" - for various reasons, including respecting a relationship she is in - but it was still a consideration.
This, so much. My ex could not understand this. She friended many males and for the most part, no big deal to me. I'm not the jealous type normally or anything. However, there were instances of a guy here or there, from my view, was clearly wanting to be more than friends. My ex would always deny. "There's no way!" but yes, as a guy, I know the signs of a guy who wants more than friendship.
Having said that, my ex is now engaged to a guy I had met as her "friend" when we were still together. Coincidence?
THREE TIMES! THREE TIMES, Cram. My ex-wife said that. "Oh, we're just FRIENDS." The first time nothing happened but the guy got lit up at my house one time and as we were (the two of us) sitting on the back porch he let slip that "I wanna fuck your wife". Oh, okay. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. The third one is now her husband, and like you, I used to se him a lot as a "friend" when we were together.
As for signs, uh, if he has a pulse? Haha, seriously, I don't know. It's like obscenity; I'll know it when I see it. But as a generality, that little "flirtatious, harmless comment" might be harmless, but it might double as a trial balloon.
WTF, if any guy said that to me about my girl I'd flip a shit. So disrespectful. It's one thing to want to do it and one thing to even say to the woman that you want her, but to tell me to my face would be a mistake.
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Daaaammnnnn... sorry to hear that, shady business!
So, what are the signs you pick up on if a guy wants to be more than friends with a female?
If they're straight.
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For the most part, I've had nothing but trouble with women who had mostly male friends. To put it bluntly, most of these "male friends" were nothing more than a
panel of white knight, ass kissing buffoons who couldn't seem to find a woman of their own, and would butt in to our relationship whether I liked it or not. The vast majority of them
only wanted to see my girlfriends alone, never when I was around. Then I would discover an endless trail of daily "oh my God, you're so beautiful" photo comments and various lovey
dovey memes from these schmucks on the girlfriend's Facebook page. Absolutely obsessive. Of course, what they were hoping for was for me to put my foot down and say something. A big setup to label me
the insecure, jealous, control freak.
When I was younger, I fell into that trap a few times. These days, I just don't give a shit.
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That's just annoying all around TBH. It's rude and disrespectful... but also, was the gf at the time posting provocative pics of herself? Sometimes women will do that in order to get the male (or female) attention she's craving or not receiving from her significant other
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That's just annoying all around TBH. It's rude and disrespectful... but also, was the gf at the time posting provocative pics of herself? Sometimes women will do that in order to get the male (or female) attention she's craving or not receiving from her significant other
Generally, no, they weren't too provocative, and some of these jack offs would go back and comment on pictures they had commented on months or years before. Tactics like that made it very apparent what they were up to.
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definitely sounds like it.. creepers.
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That's just annoying all around TBH. It's rude and disrespectful... but also, was the gf at the time posting provocative pics of herself? Sometimes women will do that in order to get the male (or female) attention she's craving or not receiving from her significant other
Generally, no, they weren't too provocative, and some of these jack offs would go back and comment on pictures they had commented on months or years before. Tactics like that made it very apparent what they were up to.
Anyone commenting about a girls looks on old photos is kind of creepy if you ask me. That is like blatantly obvious that you are interested in more than friends.
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So, what are the signs you pick up on if a guy wants to be more than friends with a female?
Reading a guys eyes, the way he speaks, flirty motions, does he text you at night? Are you conversing throughout the day, does he have a girlfriend? Does he do the things I do when I like a girl? There's lots of things that I might pick up that show a guy is interested in more than just friendship.
Hmm. What Cram has said describes a friendship I have with a younger gent. I have zero illusions and it's long distance, but he has expressed a bit of wistful "I'd love to live there!" when he found out I lived in Austin (he's a fan of Rooster Teeth and RT is based here).
Anymore though, I'm just... done putting myself out there for right now. I'm better about things but paying very close attention to the minor meltdown that caused me to take a medical leave of absence from work until next year. Long story short? I was majorly stressed out--my anxiety was through the roof to be frank, and funnily enough... Wey helped me through some of it. Not all of it, since it's my cross to bear. Now I'm more concerned with sleep issues I'm having, but I'm working on non-medical fixes for it.
TL;DR, Deb is still working her head shit out. And honestly? I'd rather do that then put someone else through something they don't need to go through.
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Hey Deb, hope you are able to work things out and come out stronger than before but you are right to just focus on yourself for now. Good luck
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*hugs*
I feel ya, Deb. I took myself off OKC because I'm tired of constant disappointment, and I am getting hella close to just retreating into my little hermit hole after a lot of recent drama in my relationships. I definitely have my own shit to work on and am frankly tired of dealing with other people's. I'm waiting on a particular thing to come my way in hopes that it will help me figure out my next step.
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Thanks you two :heart :heart
I don't know that I need all of the answers, but I've really been enjoying the extended "me time". As Cram said, it's not wrong for me to focus on myself for now. Not that I'm a shrink or anything, but I definitely think people don't view taking a deeper look into yourself very seriously. Sad. For them.
Jackie, I really hope that you find whatever it is you're searching for. Hell, *I* hope I find it. :lol ;)
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Me time is great. If you recall in this thread I took a couple months off of dating to reflect on myself. Not sure I came out better or worse, but it was nice to not have anyone else to worry about but yourself and have that extra free time.
My sister's wedding was this past weekend. I mentioned her here before because of how her relationship was so rushed and quick and seemed wrong on so many levels, but got to say, she seems very happy and her now husband does treat her very well. I fear for them long term because they haven't even been together for a full year and they both have some rough pasts, but after all my negative feelings towards their relationship, I think I am very comfortable with them together and happy for them.
On another note, the whole wedding weekend lead to lots of family members questioning me about my prospects and I got to say that I feel like I am so far removed from even wanting marriage. The wedding itself didn't turn me off or anything, I just don't feel like I am anywhere near coming close to loving someone like that to want to get married and not sure I see myself ever getting that close. I've been dating 23yo for quite some time now and don't feel any love. I really like her and all, but love just seems like such a far fetched thing to me. I could totally see myself living the single life forever.
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There's definitely nothing wrong with taking yourself out of the game for a while. That's the time to get things back to a clean slate for the next go around.
I pity the people who hop from one relationship to another because the thought of being alone for any length of time is unbearable to them. If you can't achieve a level of genuine happiness
alone, your relationships will surely be doomed. I honestly want to puke when I hear anyone talk about a significant other making them "whole".
I could totally see myself living the single life forever.
Same here. The thought of marriage specifically has never appealed to me and never will.
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TL;DR, Deb is still working her head shit out. And honestly? I'd rather do that then put someone else through something they don't need to go through.
That's the right way to go, and I'd do the same if I were in your shoes :tup
As for myself, curiosity finally got hold of me and I downloaded Tinder last month. :lol I got 3 matches: 2 never replied to my message, and the third deleted me before I managed to say a word. A week ago I finally thought "screw this" and deleted the app. :P I'm still pretty young so I think I'll just go on and live my life normally, and if someone comes along, that's cool.
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TL;DR, Deb is still working her head shit out. And honestly? I'd rather do that then put someone else through something they don't need to go through.
That's the right way to go, and I'd do the same if I were in your shoes :tup
As for myself, curiosity finally got hold of me and I downloaded Tinder last month. :lol I got 3 matches: 2 never replied to my message, and the third deleted me before I managed to say a word. A week ago I finally thought "screw this" and deleted the app. :P I'm still pretty young so I think I'll just go on and live my life normally, and if someone comes along, that's cool.
One thing with online dating, you can't be discouraged because of people deleting you or not responding. Just got to keep at it.
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TL;DR, Deb is still working her head shit out. And honestly? I'd rather do that then put someone else through something they don't need to go through.
That's the right way to go, and I'd do the same if I were in your shoes :tup
As for myself, curiosity finally got hold of me and I downloaded Tinder last month. :lol I got 3 matches: 2 never replied to my message, and the third deleted me before I managed to say a word. A week ago I finally thought "screw this" and deleted the app. :P I'm still pretty young so I think I'll just go on and live my life normally, and if someone comes along, that's cool.
One thing with online dating, you can't be discouraged because of people deleting you or not responding. Just got to keep at it.
Yeah, I just figured Tinder isn't the right place for me, because it's so shallow and I'm not a hottie to begin with. 3 years ago I would've been devastated by the lack of matches, but now it's more like "meh." I'll give online dating another shot in a few years when I'm done with my studies, if I'm still single and serious about finding someone.
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There's a spot on tinder for non hotties as well, but I hear ya. Tinder is not for everyone and while the matching is pretty shallow, I have found the people once you get a convo started, aren't usually shallow themselves.
Not trying to defend or support tinder, just giving my view. In fact, I used to have no success at all with Tinder, but have lately found it to be much better than okcupid.
I've been told to check out this other dating app called Bumble. Apparently it's very much like tinder except the girl has 24 hours to send you a message otherwise the match is lost (the male cannot initiate). I was told to use this app from female friends. I am not jumping on it yet, but maybe down the line I will give it a try.
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TL;DR, Deb is still working her head shit out. And honestly? I'd rather do that then put someone else through something they don't need to go through.
That's the right way to go, and I'd do the same if I were in your shoes :tup
As for myself, curiosity finally got hold of me and I downloaded Tinder last month. :lol I got 3 matches: 2 never replied to my message, and the third deleted me before I managed to say a word. A week ago I finally thought "screw this" and deleted the app. :P I'm still pretty young so I think I'll just go on and live my life normally, and if someone comes along, that's cool.
One thing with online dating, you can't be discouraged because of people deleting you or not responding. Just got to keep at it.
Yeah, I just figured Tinder isn't the right place for me, because it's so shallow and I'm not a hottie to begin with. 3 years ago I would've been devastated by the lack of matches, but now it's more like "meh." I'll give online dating another shot in a few years when I'm done with my studies, if I'm still single and serious about finding someone.
I can't believe the mouse ears aren't grabbing you chicks left, right, and center.
:) I'm just kidding with you. I wouldn't feel comfortable on something like Tinder either (I didn't even put a picture up for my Match account, which I'm told - now, in hindsight - is a huge red flag to women, meaning "Married guy looking for some strange on the side!".
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I really don't see how Tinder is any different than choosing a random person at a bar or party to strike up a conversation with. How is one more shallow than the other?
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I've been told to check out this other dating app called Bumble. Apparently it's very much like tinder except the girl has 24 hours to send you a message otherwise the match is lost (the male cannot initiate). I was told to use this app from female friends. I am not jumping on it yet, but maybe down the line I will give it a try.
Named after the Abominable Snowman from "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer", I hope.
How does that work? Your ugly mug shows up on her screen, and she has 24 hours to say "Yay" or "Nay", or the two ships have passed, ne'er to return?
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I've been told to check out this other dating app called Bumble. Apparently it's very much like tinder except the girl has 24 hours to send you a message otherwise the match is lost (the male cannot initiate). I was told to use this app from female friends. I am not jumping on it yet, but maybe down the line I will give it a try.
Named after the Abominable Snowman from "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer", I hope.
How does that work? Your ugly mug shows up on her screen, and she has 24 hours to say "Yay" or "Nay", or the two ships have passed, ne'er to return?
I believe it is like tinder, both parties swipe to like or not, if you both like each other the female has 24 hours to send a message to open a communication path. That's my understanding, but I havent seen or used it.
I really don't see how Tinder is any different than choosing a random person at a bar or party to strike up a conversation with. How is one more shallow than the other?
I guess one could argue approaching a girl at a bar is shallow. But that's not what I am thinking. It's more that Tinder (and other online dating) is so easy to reject. It's much harder to reject the guy at the bar trying to talk to you. But both approaches are usually due to looks. One could argue you'd know more about the girl at the bar than the girl in a tinder profile.
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I really don't see how Tinder is any different than choosing a random person at a bar or party to strike up a conversation with. How is one more shallow than the other?
I guess one could argue approaching a girl at a bar is shallow. But that's not what I am thinking. It's more that Tinder (and other online dating) is so easy to reject. It's much harder to reject the guy at the bar trying to talk to you. But both approaches are usually due to looks. One could argue you'd know more about the girl at the bar than the girl in a tinder profile.
I suppose, but when you look at the other side of that coin, I don't think that's so bad. I struck up more conversations in my first week on Tinder than I was ever able to in public. Also, getting rejected is a hell of a lot easier and less embarrassing :lol
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Totally agreed. Getting a non response is way better than a girl telling you to her face she is not interested. Or even worse, taking that free drink and then saying she is not interested :lol
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Not having used Tinder at all, I can say that "meeting a girl at a bar" CAN be shallow, but doesn't have to be. I'm lucky (now) in that I will talk to ANYONE at ANY TIME, and I have grown a reasonably thick skin over the years. Once I got divorced, I got used to that "microexpression" on a girl's face when I say something catchy (read: stupid) to start a conversation, but more times than I can count (not as many as I would like, though) that goes away if you have something even reasonably interesting to say and she's even remotely interested in something other than "someone who looks like Brad Pitt". Plus, I don't know about anyone else, but the women I find myself most attracted to are not the "model hot photo" kind but rather the ones that carry themselves with a certain grace and style, which you can only really discern from meeting them in person.
Case in point: I met a girl on Match, reasonably cute in her pictures, and we decided to meet, and it was evident immediately that the pictures were either old, or CLEARLY the most flattering five or six out of maybe a 1,000 taken. Not thrilled with that one, but to be polite we had a drink or two, and just talking with her, watching the way her face lit up when she laughed, and (she was much shorter than me) the way she would cock her head to look at me when I said something funny or ridiculous just won me over. We didn't date that long (for other reasons) but that was an interesting lesson for me.
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In some aspects, I can see the appeal of dating sites, but I definitely prefer approaching in the real world. There's something about the face to face cat and mouse game
that appeals to me more.
I did try a dating site for about 3 months several years ago, though, because I heard mixed opinions about them, and wanted to formulate my own. It was definitely
interesting. In the span of those 3 months, I met about 15 women, and they all looked exactly like their pictures, but the one thing they all had in common was, their profiles
were not an accurate description of who they were at all. You would think they were shining examples of virtue judging by their words, but they ended up being total wildcats.
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I did try a dating site for about 3 months several years ago, though, because I heard mixed opinions about them, and wanted to formulate my own. It was definitely
interesting. In the span of those 3 months, I met about 15 women, and they all looked exactly like their pictures, but the one thing they all had in common was, their profiles
were not an accurate description of who they were at all. You would think they were shining examples of virtue judging by their words, but they ended up being total wildcats.
I had the same observation; not so much between "virtue" and "wildcat" (though I will say, and I mean this in a proactive, pro-feminist, "you go girl!" kind of way, the age group of about 37 to 45, women who have just gotten out of that disasterous marriage to their college sweetheart, and are looking at life with two kids and a society that is not kind to women over 35, is an UNTAPPED resource, pun intended.) I think a lot of those profiles are written fancifully, but at the end of the day, people are who they are, and many of the women I met while single would have been better off if they just wrote "Jax Teller" or "Nicki Sixx" down for "What they are looking for". It was like deja vu back to high school in that way.
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I can't believe the mouse ears aren't grabbing you chicks left, right, and center.
:rollin :clap:
I should create a fake Steven Wilson Tinder account and use it for a social experiment. :P
I've been told to check out this other dating app called Bumble. Apparently it's very much like tinder except the girl has 24 hours to send you a message otherwise the match is lost (the male cannot initiate). I was told to use this app from female friends. I am not jumping on it yet, but maybe down the line I will give it a try.
I actually forgot to mention that I also tried Bumble. I set the search distance at maximum and went through all the users, but I didn't get a single match. The app's just not popular enough where I live, but I'd imagine it's better in 'murica.
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I did try a dating site for about 3 months several years ago, though, because I heard mixed opinions about them, and wanted to formulate my own. It was definitely
interesting. In the span of those 3 months, I met about 15 women, and they all looked exactly like their pictures, but the one thing they all had in common was, their profiles
were not an accurate description of who they were at all. You would think they were shining examples of virtue judging by their words, but they ended up being total wildcats.
I had the same observation; not so much between "virtue" and "wildcat" (though I will say, and I mean this in a proactive, pro-feminist, "you go girl!" kind of way, the age group of about 37 to 45, women who have just gotten out of that disasterous marriage to their college sweetheart, and are looking at life with two kids and a society that is not kind to women over 35, is an UNTAPPED resource, pun intended.) I think a lot of those profiles are written fancifully, but at the end of the day, people are who they are, and many of the women I met while single would have been better off if they just wrote "Jax Teller" or "Nicki Sixx" down for "What they are looking for". It was like deja vu back to high school in that way.
Yes, it was very much like revisiting high school. Hell, I'm not even complaining too much about it, really. Just pointing out the discrepancies. Nearly all of them claimed to be "social drinkers", yet racked up a huge tab by the end of the night. Many claims of "not being into the bar scene", yet almost all the meets were in bars of their choosing. "Not into one night stands/booty calls", yet I was invited to their place "to watch a movie" after the first or second meet.
Again, I'm not really complaining. I just don't understand why they can't describe themselves accurately and be completely unapologetic about who they are.
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I can't believe the mouse ears aren't grabbing you chicks left, right, and center.
(https://i1272.photobucket.com/albums/y393/Prog_Snob/10599386_655483271225819_533712371827838905_n_zps21aab0cd.jpg)
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I did try a dating site for about 3 months several years ago, though, because I heard mixed opinions about them, and wanted to formulate my own. It was definitely
interesting. In the span of those 3 months, I met about 15 women, and they all looked exactly like their pictures, but the one thing they all had in common was, their profiles
were not an accurate description of who they were at all. You would think they were shining examples of virtue judging by their words, but they ended up being total wildcats.
I had the same observation; not so much between "virtue" and "wildcat" (though I will say, and I mean this in a proactive, pro-feminist, "you go girl!" kind of way, the age group of about 37 to 45, women who have just gotten out of that disasterous marriage to their college sweetheart, and are looking at life with two kids and a society that is not kind to women over 35, is an UNTAPPED resource, pun intended.) I think a lot of those profiles are written fancifully, but at the end of the day, people are who they are, and many of the women I met while single would have been better off if they just wrote "Jax Teller" or "Nicki Sixx" down for "What they are looking for". It was like deja vu back to high school in that way.
Yes, it was very much like revisiting high school. Hell, I'm not even complaining too much about it, really. Just pointing out the discrepancies. Nearly all of them claimed to be "social drinkers", yet racked up a huge tab by the end of the night. Many claims of "not being into the bar scene", yet almost all the meets were in bars of their choosing. "Not into one night stands/booty calls", yet I was invited to their place "to watch a movie" after the first or second meet.
Again, I'm not really complaining. I just don't understand why they can't describe themselves accurately and be completely unapologetic about who they are.
While I totally agree with you and have experienced this myself. I honestly can't expect someone in a profile that is trying to attract people to mention negatives like "I drink a lot" or "I put out". Even if they wanted to be as honest about that, putting something like that in your profile is going to attract a whole lot of dudes that are going to look for sex and only sex. I believe the "not into hook ups" line in essentially every profile is a reaction to guys who hit them up looking for sex.
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To be fair, I categorize myself as a "social drinker" and ring up hefty bar tabs. By "social", I simply mean I don't do it alone :lol. Though, Victoria was out of town last weekend and it was just me, a 12 pack, some homemade mac & cheese, and GTA Online, and I have to admit, I really enjoyed the evening.
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To be fair, I categorize myself as a "social drinker" and ring up hefty bar tabs. By "social", I simply mean I don't do it alone :lol. Though, Victoria was out of town last weekend and it was just me, a 12 pack, some homemade mac & cheese, and GTA Online, and I have to admit, I really enjoyed the evening.
:lol sounds like a fun evening to me as well
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Indeed. Also has me looking forward to the tray of mac & cheese I'm making on Saturday.
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Indeed. Also has me looking forward to the tray of mac & cheese I'm making on Saturday.
Sorry, but I'm derailing this thread for a second.
1) Favorite shape to use?
2) Cheese combination/recipe?
3) Traditional boil/strain/cheese application or slow cooked crock pot method?
These are important questions that I need answered.
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For me, the gruyere-Pecorino romano-sharp cheddar combo is where it's at.
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Indeed. Also has me looking forward to the tray of mac & cheese I'm making on Saturday.
Sorry, but I'm derailing this thread for a second.
1) Favorite shape to use?
2) Cheese combination/recipe?
3) Traditional boil/strain/cheese application or slow cooked crock pot method?
These are important questions that I need answered.
1) I stick with the classic elbows
2) I usually go with mostly sharp cheddar, cut with some pecorino romano
3) Traditional
I also think I'm going to cook up and dice a pound of bacon to mix in this time.
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Indeed. Also has me looking forward to the tray of mac & cheese I'm making on Saturday.
Sorry, but I'm derailing this thread for a second.
1) Favorite shape to use?
2) Cheese combination/recipe?
3) Traditional boil/strain/cheese application or slow cooked crock pot method?
These are important questions that I need answered.
1) I stick with the classic elbows
2) I usually go with mostly sharp cheddar, cut with some pecorino romano
3) Traditional
I also think I'm going to cook up and dice a pound of bacon to mix in this time.
Nice. Any kind of base (velveeta block) for the cheese, or do you go 100% real cheese?
For me, Cellantani shape is where it's at.
(https://www.homemademacaroni.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/Cellantini.jpg)
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Indeed. Also has me looking forward to the tray of mac & cheese I'm making on Saturday.
Sorry, but I'm derailing this thread for a second.
1) Favorite shape to use?
2) Cheese combination/recipe?
3) Traditional boil/strain/cheese application or slow cooked crock pot method?
These are important questions that I need answered.
1) I stick with the classic elbows
2) I usually go with mostly sharp cheddar, cut with some pecorino romano
3) Traditional
I also think I'm going to cook up and dice a pound of bacon to mix in this time.
Nice. Any kind of base (velveeta block) for the cheese, or do you go 100% real cheese?
For me, Cellantani shape is where it's at.
(https://www.homemademacaroni.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/Cellantini.jpg)
All real cheese. I basically follow this recipe, though with a little bit more cayenne
https://www.marthastewart.com/271998/perfect-macaroni-and-cheese
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Thanks!
Okay, let's re-rail this train.
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(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/9f/6e/81/9f6e815b7219963890f698ed5ceb6e24.jpg)
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How appropo that a "Lonely Hearts..." thread has recipes! Yay!
Seriously, when I got divorced I vowed to teach myself how to cook. I only succeeded in teaching myself that it is a SHIT TON harder than it looks to Beat Bobby Flay.
For any cheese recipe, you have to try piave or grana padana in place of where you would use a parmesan and without question please try prima donna where you would use a cheddar; sweeter and creamier than cheddar but a wonderful pleasant, smooth taste (though hard to find in the northeast except in specialty cheese stores).
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How appropo that a "Lonely Hearts..." thread has recipes! Yay!
Seriously, when I got divorced I vowed to teach myself how to cook.
Oddly enough, i cook more in a relationship. By myself, I just do whatever is quick and easy. But when it's for other people, I go all out. The last meal I made for my ex girlfriend before we broke was home made gnocchi with homemade sauce, baked with a ton of cheese. Also with fresh bread from scratch. But alone? I'll just throw some spaghetti in a pot and call it a day.
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I'm no chef, but I've tried to cook meals for myself a lot more since my break up and got to say that girls are usually very impressed with a single guy who cooks himself a nice meal. If I actually do make myself a nice meal and send a pic to a girl, it usually gets a positive response. Definitely one of my hooks for getting a girl interested in me. I've also done cooking dates in the past which have always been successful. We should get a list of recipes that are going to get you laid :lol
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How appropo that a "Lonely Hearts..." thread has recipes! Yay!
Seriously, when I got divorced I vowed to teach myself how to cook.
Oddly enough, i cook more in a relationship. By myself, I just do whatever is quick and easy. But when it's for other people, I go all out. The last meal I made for my ex girlfriend before we broke was home made gnocchi with homemade sauce, baked with a ton of cheese. Also with fresh bread from scratch. But alone? I'll just throw some spaghetti in a pot and call it a day.
And I'm the same, but I had my daughter half the time (she's off at boarding school now) so I was usually by default cooking for someone else (and no surprise, my greatest success was a version of Shepherd's Pie made to her specification, and now that I am married, my greatest success are burgers that my extremely picky 8-eight-year old stepson raves about).
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This is all you need. Seriously. It's so easy it's laughable. I got the book below and there's all kinds of awesomeness within. It's great if you set it up on a timer. Leave all the stuff in it when I leave for work. It'll start doing it's thing in the late morning. Come dinner time, everything it good to go. My favorite part about it is that there's not a million dishes, pans, stovetops, and counters to clean. I just throw that heavy thing from the crock pot in the dishwasher and call it a night.
(https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/6172wqIm04L._SL1000_.jpg)
(https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61bMVF7QluL._SX444_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg)
Don't get me wrong. I love cooking. But I did catering for eight years and have cooked a lifetime's worth of food. On the weekends I like to take my time and make proper means and stuff, but during the workweek, well, these are proof that humans are capable of working magic.
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Love the crockpot
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I love the crockpot as well. Its been there for me more than any relationship every has.
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While I totally agree with you and have experienced this myself. I honestly can't expect someone in a profile that is trying to attract people to mention negatives like "I drink a lot" or "I put out". Even if they wanted to be as honest about that, putting something like that in your profile is going to attract a whole lot of dudes that are going to look for sex and only sex. I believe the "not into hook ups" line in essentially every profile is a reaction to guys who hit them up looking for sex.
hahaha, yeah, I definitely don't think being that blunt is a good idea, but surely something better than the profiles that look like they were made to impress their mothers. Many of the women may be ultimately looking for relationships, but there's also a good number willing to play around with "Mr. Wrong" until it comes around. Although, I did see a few profiles that hinted toward it tactfully by saying something along the lines of "not looking for anything serious right now, just looking to have fun, but may settle down if the right one comes along", etc.
As for cooking, I suck at it. So, it's microwaved Chef Boyardee ravioli by candlelight. Bon appétit!!
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How appropo that a "Lonely Hearts..." thread has recipes! Yay!
Seriously, when I got divorced I vowed to teach myself how to cook.
Oddly enough, i cook more in a relationship. By myself, I just do whatever is quick and easy. But when it's for other people, I go all out. The last meal I made for my ex girlfriend before we broke was home made gnocchi with homemade sauce, baked with a ton of cheese. Also with fresh bread from scratch. But alone? I'll just throw some spaghetti in a pot and call it a day.
I know what you mean. Ever since my GF passed, dinners have been quick, easy and pretty boring. We used to cook meals together. :(
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1) I stick with the classic elbows
2) I usually go with mostly sharp cheddar, cut with some pecorino romano
3) Traditional
I also think I'm going to cook up and dice a pound of bacon to mix in this time.
:drool:
Hey Chino - you may not even need to put the crock of your crock pot in the dishwasher if you use one of the plastic liner things. Just a thought.
Damn. All this talk of mac and cheese is making me HUNGRY. :metal
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Hey Chino - you may not even need to put the crock of your crock pot in the dishwasher if you use one of the plastic liner things. Just a thought.
Yeah, I've seen those. Every time I think about buying them, the inner hippie in me says "a sea turtle is going to think that's a jellyfish and die of internal hemorrhage", also, I'm cheap :lol
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LOL, fair enough. :biggrin:
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How's everyone doing with this?
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There's two girls that I've met through different dating sites lately.
1. The first girl is from Poland and just moved to Sweden. She's really nice and funny and there's a strong attraction between us, even though we still haven't really done anything beyond hanging out and hugging a lot. I wasn't planning on falling for her, various things kind of stop things from ever getting serious between us. But I really like hanging out with her and will continue to have fun while it lasts, I think.
2. The second girl unfortunately moved from Stockholm shortly after our first date. But we've still managed to meet a few times. We share a lot of interests and opinions but I keep searching for that deeper connection without really finding it. Not sure if it's the uncertainty of the distance. But whether we become friends or something else, I'm glad to have met her.
So...I guess things are quite good. I've managed to push my boundaries a bit and get out of my comfort zone. Especially with girl number two, when she was in Stockholm last time she didn't have time to meet me alone, but invited me to come with her when she went out with her friends. Which meant I was going out with a group of people whom I had never met before. That terrified me but I still did it and felt proud of myself afterwards. :)
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How's everyone doing with this?
How you doin with this?
I'm still dating 23yo. Kind of amazed about how long I've been dating her to be honest. Clearly something about her has stuck with me. My friend told me he thinks I will marry her LOL but in all seriousness, I am actually a bit scared about my feelings towards her because I do in fact really like her. It's always a blast when we hang out. We might be planning a weekend trip to go to a PSU game in a few weeks.
On the side though I actually met another girl this past week. I wasn't really looking but it was a girl I was chatting with like 4 months ago and then she stopped responding to me. Out of nowhere she reached out to me and said she never received my past messages cause she got a new phone and they didn't go through (I honestly didn't buy it, but I figured I'd give her a chance cause I actually enjoyed our conversations earlier and thought we had lots of similarities). I thought the date went well with her, but she smokes cigarettes which is a major turn off for me so I've backed off from her and maybe she wasn't interested either cause she also backed off so it seemed maybe mutual.
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There's two girls that I've met through different dating sites lately.
1. The first girl is from Poland and just moved to Sweden. She's really nice and funny and there's a strong attraction between us, even though we still haven't really done anything beyond hanging out and hugging a lot. I wasn't planning on falling for her, various things kind of stop things from ever getting serious between us. But I really like hanging out with her and will continue to have fun while it lasts, I think.
2. The second girl unfortunately moved from Stockholm shortly after our first date. But we've still managed to meet a few times. We share a lot of interests and opinions but I keep searching for that deeper connection without really finding it. Not sure if it's the uncertainty of the distance. But whether we become friends or something else, I'm glad to have met her.
So...I guess things are quite good. I've managed to push my boundaries a bit and get out of my comfort zone. Especially with girl number two, when she was in Stockholm last time she didn't have time to meet me alone, but invited me to come with her when she went out with her friends. Which meant I was going out with a group of people whom I had never met before. That terrified me but I still did it and felt proud of myself afterwards. :)
I'm glad to hear you're progressing.
How's everyone doing with this?
How you doin with this?
I'm still dating 23yo. Kind of amazed about how long I've been dating her to be honest. Clearly something about her has stuck with me. My friend told me he thinks I will marry her LOL but in all seriousness, I am actually a bit scared about my feelings towards her because I do in fact really like her. It's always a blast when we hang out. We might be planning a weekend trip to go to a PSU game in a few weeks.
On the side though I actually met another girl this past week. I wasn't really looking but it was a girl I was chatting with like 4 months ago and then she stopped responding to me. Out of nowhere she reached out to me and said she never received my past messages cause she got a new phone and they didn't go through (I honestly didn't buy it, but I figured I'd give her a chance cause I actually enjoyed our conversations earlier and thought we had lots of similarities). I thought the date went well with her, but she smokes cigarettes which is a major turn off for me so I've backed off from her and maybe she wasn't interested either cause she also backed off so it seemed maybe mutual.
Not so well on my end. I've realized honesty just doesn't work from the onset.
How long have you been with the 23 year old?
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Why doesn't honesty work? I feel it's worked every time for me. Even something negative for me, if I own up to it and be honest about it, I've found every single one of the girl's I've dated to be appreciative of it since most people aren't so honest.
I've been dating 23yo for like 5 months now or something. It's weird that she hasn't brought up the idea of being more serious honestly. We have not yet had one negative interaction either, it's like we just click and I can't even think of a time where I wish we didn't hang out or had second thoughts either.
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Dang Cram, sounds pretty good. Just don't over think it. You've talked about not wanting a serious relationship, but it seems like you're doing good. It looks like a textbook case of letting something happen naturally, and not forcing it into a specific box. Roll with it. Wherever it goes, as long as you're into it, it doesn't matter what label you put on it.
As for "honesty", I think it depends on what that truth is. There's that joke about women holding back their crazy early on in a relationship. Apparently, guys are crazy too lol. Who knew? Theres being honest, and then there's offering up too much honesty. Some people are just turned off by certain things. Oh well.
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Agreed. Like if I haven't met the girl, I may not open up about the negatives about me or my past. But I've found it's great relief to get that out there and known. I'm always really self conscious about telling a girl I ended an engagement. I feel like it's a stain on me, but once I get that out there and answer any question honestly, I have not had one single instance of the girl turning away or acting negatively towards me for that.
It's kind of funny cause a couple months ago I was chatting with a girl on tinder. She seemed really interested in me and I wasn't very interested in her after we were talking so I just went out and told her EVERY SINGE BAD THING ABOUT ME. Literally. She loved it. It backfired. She kept wanting to know more about me. It was quite funny actually but it showed to me, that guys are mostly full of shit when it comes to dating and if you be honest even if its bad, it really goes a long way to a woman respecting you.
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Plus I don't think it bodes well for the health of the relationship to use that health as ballast against a truth bomb. I get that there is balance ("Hi, I'm Bob. I have herpes. Can I buy you a drink?") but I also don't think it's fair - or loving, or respectful - to wait until a year in and someone else is invested before you drop the "I have a wife and two kids in Oklahoma because I'm an escaped convict on the lam!" on her.
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Why doesn't honesty work? I feel it's worked every time for me. Even something negative for me, if I own up to it and be honest about it, I've found every single one of the girl's I've dated to be appreciative of it since most people aren't so honest.
I feel like ever since I've updated my profile to be more open and upfront about myself, I've had worse luck. :lol I could write a really great profile that would hook plenty of women to choose from, but then once some of the other truths came out it would be a disaster. I've tried it.
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Why doesn't honesty work? I feel it's worked every time for me. Even something negative for me, if I own up to it and be honest about it, I've found every single one of the girl's I've dated to be appreciative of it since most people aren't so honest.
I feel like ever since I've updated my profile to be more open and upfront about myself, I've had worse luck. :lol I could write a really great profile that would hook plenty of women to choose from, but then once some of the other truths came out it would be a disaster. I've tried it.
Maybe putting that stuff in the profile isnt the way to go? I often wonder if anyone reads the profiles anyway and if they do, maybe putting too much info is a turn off? I'm not sure honestly, I know I read the profiles, but I'd rather talk and discover the negatives than read about them first and be turned off before even talking since you'll already have a judgement on someone without even knowing them.
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Why doesn't honesty work? I feel it's worked every time for me. Even something negative for me, if I own up to it and be honest about it, I've found every single one of the girl's I've dated to be appreciative of it since most people aren't so honest.
I feel like ever since I've updated my profile to be more open and upfront about myself, I've had worse luck. :lol I could write a really great profile that would hook plenty of women to choose from, but then once some of the other truths came out it would be a disaster. I've tried it.
Maybe putting that stuff in the profile isnt the way to go? I often wonder if anyone reads the profiles anyway and if they do, maybe putting too much info is a turn off? I'm not sure honestly, I know I read the profiles, but I'd rather talk and discover the negatives than read about them first and be turned off before even talking since you'll already have a judgement on someone without even knowing them.
Never put potentially negative truths in you bio. It allows the person viewing to create their own perception of you based on their own past experiences. Get the conversation going and paint yourself in a positive light. Being truthful after that point will be much easier for your potential mate to digest. Leave the bio interesting but vague.
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Most of women I know I would hit it off with live in Brooklyn or Manhattan or even New Jersey. Staten Island is a whole different world. It really does come across as this culturally ignorant place. However, just go across the bridge to Brooklyn and you find women who love books and art and are open-minded. You don't see that in my Staten Island profiles. Sadly, most of the Brooklyn and Manhattan types do not want to travel to Staten Island to date someone.
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Most of women I know I would hit it off with live in Brooklyn or Manhattan or even New Jersey. Staten Island is a whole different world. It really does come across as this culturally ignorant place. However, just go across the bridge to Brooklyn and you find women who love books and art and are open-minded. You don't see that in my Staten Island profiles. Sadly, most of the Brooklyn and Manhattan types do not want to travel to Staten Island to date someone.
I know what you mean. Most NJ people won't date Staten Islanders. It's so true, that island (no offense) is disgusting and the people are largely assholes and scumbags. That one girl I dated was pretty nice but she wasn't from SI so it made sense. The one other girl I dated from SI ended up stalking me and the girl I dated after her. It was a nightmare and I don't believe she was out of the ordinary for SI girls. Also, the one nice girl from SI (the one actually from Binghamton) told me so many stories about the people she worked with and how scummy everyone is there. I feel for you on this. And once again, trying not to offend your home, but just telling it how I see it and how others I know have told me they see it as well.
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There's that joke about women holding back their crazy early on in a relationship.
Proved true for Ginger :|
That whole situation is a hot mess and probably over for good. I was really upset about it for a minute, now I'm just pissed off but getting over it.
I had an unexpected date last night with a guy I met at the film festival, and we had the best conversation. We are hanging again when the festival is over because I'm hella busy. He so cute!!
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Its been about 3 months since the break up between me and my Fiance and I truly am surprised how much I am loving being single.
Its like, my whole life I looked at people in relationships and thought about how the grass was greener. I looked at relationships like it was the be all, end all, one thing that would complete my life and bring me happiness. And after being engaged and being mere months away from getting married, the lessons learned from that experience was such a wake up call.
If a relationship happens to come along in the future, cool. If not, that's cool too. Right now, I am just focusing on living my life.
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Its been about 3 months since breaking up with my Fiance and I truly am surprised how much I am loving being single.
Its like, my whole life I looked at people in relationships and thought about how the grass was greener. I looked at relationships like it was the be all, end all, one thing that would complete my life and bring me happiness. And after being engaged and being mere months away from getting married, the lessons learned from that experience was such a wake up call.
If a relationship happens to come along in the future, cool. If not, that's cool too. Right now, I am just focusing on living my life.
Having been in your shoes, I know the feeling and agree. Glad you are able to enjoy living your life.
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Gone on 3 OKC dates in about a week (all different women).
Felt absolutely nothing. :(
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Most of women I know I would hit it off with live in Brooklyn or Manhattan or even New Jersey. Staten Island is a whole different world. It really does come across as this culturally ignorant place. However, just go across the bridge to Brooklyn and you find women who love books and art and are open-minded. You don't see that in my Staten Island profiles. Sadly, most of the Brooklyn and Manhattan types do not want to travel to Staten Island to date someone.
I know what you mean. Most NJ people won't date Staten Islanders. It's so true, that island (no offense) is disgusting and the people are largely assholes and scumbags. That one girl I dated was pretty nice but she wasn't from SI so it made sense. The one other girl I dated from SI ended up stalking me and the girl I dated after her. It was a nightmare and I don't believe she was out of the ordinary for SI girls. Also, the one nice girl from SI (the one actually from Binghamton) told me so many stories about the people she worked with and how scummy everyone is there. I feel for you on this. And once again, trying not to offend your home, but just telling it how I see it and how others I know have told me they see it as well.
I completely missed your response. I'm well aware of the issues here. :lol That's my complaint. Most of the people are painstakingly typical. Putting that aside, I started talking to a girl in Bayonne. We were talking about where we lived and she mentioned that she could never leave NJ. Well she's out. :\
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Gone on 3 OKC dates in about a week (all different women).
Felt absolutely nothing. :(
Hang in there! I'm sure it'll get better soon.
I went on a two day date this weekend. It's a polish girl living here in Stockholm, we went to see three movies at the Stockholm movie festival. She's really nice, spontanous and a bit crazy. Kinda my opposite really. :lol We actually talked a bit about our differences, the fact that I'm an introvert with a bit of a social anxiety. Which she is almost the opposite off. I'm not sure this can last, but it sure feels good to make out with another person again. :lol So I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts.
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I haven't been actively looking for anything since I broke things off this summer with the last woman I was seeing for a while. Shortly after we stopped dating, I got a message from someone on OKC that seemed like she was really my type. We messaged for a couple days after making tentative plans for something during the week, and then I stopped hearing from her. It kinda bummed me out, but I was more pissed because I didn't seek it out. I wasn't out looking for that, but she brought some interest TO ME, and then I felt stupid when she left me hanging. Okay, whatever. Didn't think about it after a couple days. About a month ago, my friend tells me that she was talking about me with her friend and she thought I was cute. I got her number and texted with her for a couple weeks, again with plans to do something when she was free. Again, I just stop hearing from her. And again, kinda pissed cuz I didn't seek this out, it was literally HER idea to have me contact her. So my friend had a birthday party tonight and thought I would get a chance to finally meet her. My friend texts me yesterday and says she talked to her friend and she met someone and they're now dating (holy shit that was fast to exclusivity!). They both showed up tonight, and nobody was impressed by the dude. We never even spoke or technically met. It kinda bums me out...
... but then, it doesn't. I was apprehensive about going out with a 24 yr old. She wasn't even mature enough to tell me what was up. I was happy that at least my friend was pissed with her too. And what's up with just going all in with someone so quickly, especially when you've been talking to someone else and have talked about plans? I know she doesn't owe me anything, I'm just saying keep your options open.
And that brings me to what some people here have talked about: not wanting a "serious" relationship. I'm 8 yrs older than this person, we didn't have any immediately recognizable interests (she has certain physical problems that keep her from being very active, which I am VERY much so), and we've never even met. I think about how I don't wanna miss out on hanging out with my friends, or doing the things that I like to do. If I was with "her", I wouldn't be here doing this right now. I had no real interest in trying to establish something serious with this person. Yet, there's some conscious part of me that gets bummed about stuff like this. I think I was just lonely and excited to meet someone new.
The human mind is a funny thing... :facepalm: (/done venting to a computer screen)
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We all get excited with the thrill of the chase. But then once we have it we either lose interest or when they lose interest in us we get upset, even though we didn't want something serious to begin with. It was kind of immature what the other girl did to you. It was like she kept poking you with a stick but then left you there hanging. I know you think she met this guy and started dating quickly, but it's possible she was playing back and forth with the both of you which was why she was hot and cold with you.
I started talking to a girl named Milena. We met on Happn and spent today having small talk on that app. She seems like someone who is more forthright as opposed to playing guessing games. The only setback so far is that she lives in the Upper East Side of Manhattan. If we do decide to meet, traveling to see each other could pose a problem, but a step at a time.
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I should probably take this to the "pisses me off" thread, but you know what pisses me off?
Happn
Grindr
What's with the stylized dropping of vowels? Jeez, Lousise. Aliens are going to land here and they're going to see Shakespeare, then Twain, then... "grindr" and a bunch of messages like "Hey, boyz, ur the bomb 2B realz! LOLZ!" and think, "we're going somewhere else. They're the cosmic equivalent of wasted at a kegger!".
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Now that I've been to Manhattan, all this NYC travel complaining makes sense lol. It was fun as hell walking around the UES (stayed at 5th and 90th) and catching the subway all over town. But, life? That would be a pain in the ass. I never thought much about travel time while I was there, but I never really went far at one time as I moved around the city. I can see how the prospect of connecting with someone that's "not close" is a questionable decision. But, I've met one woman in the last 15 that I would have been more than willing to try the long distance "not exactly as I planned it" relationship. So, maybe, it might be worth at least a try.
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Aliens are going to land here and they're going to see Shakespeare, then Twain, then... "grindr" and a bunch of messages like "Hey, boyz, ur the bomb 2B realz! LOLZ!" and think, "we're going somewhere else. They're the cosmic equivalent of wasted at a kegger!".
(https://67.media.tumblr.com/6d18da8b966f28b866dd4cd1ba09f299/tumblr_mvuujaS4mC1r4gei2o2_400.gif)
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but it's possible she was playing back and forth with the both of you which was why she was hot and cold with you.
Sylvan, I think this is it. Couple that with the current fad of selfish gratification, and the impersonality of the electronic communication media, and you've got a recipe for your feelings being hurt.
I feel like maybe I have a slightly different take on this, because I did the online dating thing, but usually - in part because I have a kid, in part because I have a conscience - went pretty quickly into the friend zone with several of the women I met. It is not arrogance at all when I say that I could have added significantly to the notches on my bedpost (I've written about this before; the women 35-45, with a couple kids, and finally becoming aware that that asshole that was cool as shit in high school/college is now just an aging douche who's never going to be your "soulmate" and doesn't give fuck one about any shades of grey, let alone 50 of them.). And in talking with those that I am still friends with, the experience for women is VERY different than the experience for men. You, me, Snob, we have one or two or three, maybe, and we kind of look at them as "potentials", and some of these women - and no, they don't have to be model hot to have this - have 10 or 15 possibilities. I've come to accept that it is a shade immature, and it is a shade insensitive, but I don't think it's done with malicious intent. (But then, I could be wrong.)
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Gone on 3 OKC dates in about a week (all different women).
Felt absolutely nothing. :(
Hang in there! I'm sure it'll get better soon.
I went on a two day date this weekend. It's a polish girl living here in Stockholm, we went to see three movies at the Stockholm movie festival. She's really nice, spontanous and a bit crazy. Kinda my opposite really. :lol We actually talked a bit about our differences, the fact that I'm an introvert with a bit of a social anxiety. Which she is almost the opposite off. I'm not sure this can last, but it sure feels good to make out with another person again. :lol So I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts.
Follow up on this...I may soon be leaving this club. :)
She and I will probably give this relationsship a try, and see where it leads us. Our differences kind of scares me - this will not be easy or simple. But I would be lying if I didn't say that this really excites me. :) No matter where this takes us, this will be something to remember, that's for sure. :lol
(Also, the sex is crazy good. Like stupid good. Like something out of this world. God fucking damn.)
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I should probably take this to the "pisses me off" thread, but you know what pisses me off?
Happn
Grindr
What's with the stylized dropping of vowels? Jeez, Lousise. Aliens are going to land here and they're going to see Shakespeare, then Twain, then... "grindr" and a bunch of messages like "Hey, boyz, ur the bomb 2B realz! LOLZ!" and think, "we're going somewhere else. They're the cosmic equivalent of wasted at a kegger!".
Odd, didn't have you pinned as someone who spends a lot of time on Grindr :lol
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Nice Lynxo, if you are happy then go for it, maybe opposites do attract.
Sylvan, I wouldn't put much thought into woman who stop talking to you if you've never met. I think that's setting the expectation too high. If a girl is on the market, she likely has many suitors so from my experience, if you don't meet, then there is no reason to expect someone to say "bye" to you essentially. I've done it to plenty of girls and plenty have done it to me. I don't think it matters if you matched on tinder or were recommended by a friend. I get where it could be weird to meet then at a party though.
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I should probably take this to the "pisses me off" thread, but you know what pisses me off?
Happn
Grindr
What's with the stylized dropping of vowels? Jeez, Lousise. Aliens are going to land here and they're going to see Shakespeare, then Twain, then... "grindr" and a bunch of messages like "Hey, boyz, ur the bomb 2B realz! LOLZ!" and think, "we're going somewhere else. They're the cosmic equivalent of wasted at a kegger!".
Odd, didn't have you pinned as someone who spends a lot of time on Grindr :lol
Granted, not my target demographic, but bad syntax is bad syntax. :)
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Nice Lynxo, if you are happy then go for it, maybe opposites do attract.
Sylvan, I wouldn't put much thought into woman who stop talking to you if you've never met. I think that's setting the expectation too high. If a girl is on the market, she likely has many suitors so from my experience, if you don't meet, then there is no reason to expect someone to say "bye" to you essentially. I've done it to plenty of girls and plenty have done it to me. I don't think it matters if you matched on tinder or were recommended by a friend. I get where it could be weird to meet then at a party though.
Good for you Lynxo! But honestly, it seems like you're thinking about it too much. Differences are just a thing, but don't have to be the biggest of deals. Just roll with it. If you're into it, don't get bogged down by trivial shit. But then again, I watch my brother dismiss one thing after another that most men with a modicum of self respect would run away from as fast as possible. But he's a narcissist with no principles :mehlin
Cram, I'm just looking for a little respect man! I think Stadler gets it. This isn't online dating, and I didn't invite this. If you're gonna have your friend set you up with one of her friends, act accordingly. I've had this same thing happen before after one date with a woman. She told me she wanted to date this other guy, and I respect her as much or more than anyone else I've dated. I just don't want to start expecting less out of people.
And that brings me to my next thought...
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...When did people become so "disposable"? It goes two ways. Two people go on a few dates, or whatever, and then one stops communicating completely. The person that's ignoring the other's attempts at communication finds that person to be disposable, as they think it's okay to just ignore and the problem will go away. How did this person become so disposable to "you" that you simply want them to go away with no contact whatsoever? Kinda shitty. BUT, "you" expect this person to just get the message and fade away into the ether. "You" expect them to find "you" just as disposable as "you" do them. And if they don't get the message, they're the idiot.
How did people become so full of self-loathing that they want someone else to consider them disposable?
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I dont think that is right, but I think it's different once you meet someone vs just speaking to them through text or even phone call, although phone convo is definitely more intimate than texting. Like once you meet someone, I think it's respectful to say your aren't interested if that's the case and disrespectful to "dispose" of the person. You both at that point put in the time in effort to meet, then you should put in the effort to say you no longer want to meet.
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...When did people become so "disposable"? It goes two ways. Two people go on a few dates, or whatever, and then one stops communicating completely. The person that's ignoring the other's attempts at communication finds that person to be disposable, as they think it's okay to just ignore and the problem will go away. How did this person become so disposable to "you" that you simply want them to go away with no contact whatsoever? Kinda shitty. BUT, "you" expect this person to just get the message and fade away into the ether. "You" expect them to find "you" just as disposable as "you" do them. And if they don't get the message, they're the idiot.
How did people become so full of self-loathing that they want someone else to consider them disposable?
People have always been that way. The main difference now is how many options people have. 50 years ago, we were limited to the people we knew or would naturally meet. Now we have literally thousands of options at our finger tips. And unfortunately for us average blokes, it's women's choice. Such is life.
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...When did people become so "disposable"? It goes two ways. Two people go on a few dates, or whatever, and then one stops communicating completely. The person that's ignoring the other's attempts at communication finds that person to be disposable, as they think it's okay to just ignore and the problem will go away. How did this person become so disposable to "you" that you simply want them to go away with no contact whatsoever? Kinda shitty. BUT, "you" expect this person to just get the message and fade away into the ether. "You" expect them to find "you" just as disposable as "you" do them. And if they don't get the message, they're the idiot.
How did people become so full of self-loathing that they want someone else to consider them disposable?
People have always been that way. The main difference now is how many options people have. 50 years ago, we were limited to the people we knew or would naturally meet. Now we have literally thousands of options at our finger tips. And unfortunately for us average blokes, it's women's choice. Such is life.
Disagree about it's women's choice. Men have a choice too, but fully agree with how easy it is now adays to be put in contact with people and just how easy it is to end that contact.
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That old adage, "You'll find love when you stop looking for it" is very true. The hard you try, the harder the disappointment. It's just human nature. Some can go without someone by their side for some time while others need to be with someone all the time.
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...When did people become so "disposable"? It goes two ways. Two people go on a few dates, or whatever, and then one stops communicating completely. The person that's ignoring the other's attempts at communication finds that person to be disposable, as they think it's okay to just ignore and the problem will go away. How did this person become so disposable to "you" that you simply want them to go away with no contact whatsoever? Kinda shitty. BUT, "you" expect this person to just get the message and fade away into the ether. "You" expect them to find "you" just as disposable as "you" do them. And if they don't get the message, they're the idiot.
How did people become so full of self-loathing that they want someone else to consider them disposable?
People have always been that way. The main difference now is how many options people have. 50 years ago, we were limited to the people we knew or would naturally meet. Now we have literally thousands of options at our finger tips. And unfortunately for us average blokes, it's women's choice. Such is life.
Disagree about it's women's choice. Men have a choice too, but fully agree with how easy it is now adays to be put in contact with people and just how easy it is to end that contact.
lol obviously men have a choice. I meant more in the sense of like "a buyers market". For every woman you are really interested, at least 10 other guys are also interested.
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...When did people become so "disposable"? It goes two ways. Two people go on a few dates, or whatever, and then one stops communicating completely. The person that's ignoring the other's attempts at communication finds that person to be disposable, as they think it's okay to just ignore and the problem will go away. How did this person become so disposable to "you" that you simply want them to go away with no contact whatsoever? Kinda shitty. BUT, "you" expect this person to just get the message and fade away into the ether. "You" expect them to find "you" just as disposable as "you" do them. And if they don't get the message, they're the idiot.
How did people become so full of self-loathing that they want someone else to consider them disposable?
People have always been that way. The main difference now is how many options people have. 50 years ago, we were limited to the people we knew or would naturally meet. Now we have literally thousands of options at our finger tips. And unfortunately for us average blokes, it's women's choice. Such is life.
Disagree about it's women's choice. Men have a choice too, but fully agree with how easy it is now adays to be put in contact with people and just how easy it is to end that contact.
lol obviously men have a choice. I meant more in the sense of like "a buyers market". For every woman you are really interested, at least 10 other guys are also interested.
Ah, true in a way. I think that's mostly due to men being the initiators typically. I'd bet there are 10 girls who want any guy as well, those ten girls just aren't typically actively shopping.
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Very likely. But I should have said at least 10 guys actively pursuing to some degree. And that's a low estimate. There's probably hundreds with a general interest.
At some point it's just too hard to keep up with every lonely heart guy.
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Well, in this specific case, she's hot (hotter than most I've been out with, but not all :loser:) and lives at the beach. There's NO DOUBT she gets a lot of attention. But I wasn't just another guy coming up to her at the bar. She essentially initiated this. But also, she really didn't make any effort to go out, kept her usual weekend plans with her friends, and was always mostly busy. Having said that, I'm even more confused what the point was.
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Hey, checking in here! Phoenix - cram and I BOTH know what you went through, and it sounds to me like you made the right decision for yourself. :tup
As to the Deb.. I don't remember if I'd mentioned Skype talking with a gent a significant distance from me. I may have. Anyway, we still talk at least once a day if not multiple times (giggity) and recently we were both frustrated with life and I took his mood as him including me with his frustrations. As he told me, I could not have been more wrong. What we have may not ever be seriously serious but there is such an ease when we talk to each other (text chatting and voice). I do like him and I now know that the feeling is most definitely mutual. I also have him to thank for me being comfortable enough to recognize a facet of my personality that, looking back, I knew was always there. I just see this as two nerdy gamers getting over breakups (his was MUCH nastier than mine) and sharing fears, hopes.. pretty much everything. His friendship is truly a blessing and I'm very thankful for it.
Lynxo!! Buddy! Good job on potentially exiting The Club! I do agree with sylvan though - if you focus on your differences, that's all you'll eventually see. Don't get caught up in the differences being potentially negative - see it as a growing experience for the both of you. Being an introvert myself, I can really understand the fear of "putting yourself out there" or getting out of your comfort zone. Just be patient with yourself and don't beat yourself up over who you know you are.
LOL, Philosophical Deb is philosophical. XD
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Being an introvert myself, I can really understand the fear of "putting yourself out there" or getting out of your comfort zone. Just be patient with yourself and don't beat yourself up over who you know you are.
+1 from another introvert.
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Well, in this specific case, she's hot (hotter than most I've been out with, but not all :loser:) and lives at the beach. There's NO DOUBT she gets a lot of attention. But I wasn't just another guy coming up to her at the bar. She essentially initiated this. But also, she really didn't make any effort to go out, kept her usual weekend plans with her friends, and was always mostly busy. Having said that, I'm even more confused what the point was.
Doesn't matter if she initiated it or not. Doesn't make it right either, I grant you.
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That old adage, "You'll find love when you stop looking for it" is very true. The hard you try, the harder the disappointment. It's just human nature. Some can go without someone by their side for some time while others need to be with someone all the time.
I don't know about that. You can't expect it to come crashing through your ceiling. You have to put yourself out there. However, you just need not be coming from a place of desperation and trying to force it. That's when everything goes to shit.
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Doesn't matter if she initiated it or not. Doesn't make it right either, I grant you.
I meant more so that her initiation makes everything else confusing, not so much the ending of communication. Ya know, I expressed immediate concern when I was told she was 24. I suppose I shouldn't have been all that surprised with the final outcome. Although, immaturity and poor communication skills are not exclusive to any one age group.
That old adage, "You'll find love when you stop looking for it" is very true. The hard you try, the harder the disappointment. It's just human nature.
Funny enough, that's the mindset I've had the last couple months, and that's why this was kinda intriguing/exciting. After spending a lot of time "trying", something came around out of the blue. Then that went all to shit :corn.
Ninja's: I had the went to shit line before reading the last post :rollin
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:lol
Don't be discouraged. I would look at it as she pulled this crap, this is how she would treat a relationship. It will come. Enjoy life as it is right now.
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I made it to the next step with this girl. We exchanged numbers. That's the furthest I've got with a woman in months. It's fucking sad.
Follow up on this...I may soon be leaving this club. :)
She and I will probably give this relationsship a try, and see where it leads us. Our differences kind of scares me - this will not be easy or simple. But I would be lying if I didn't say that this really excites me. :) No matter where this takes us, this will be something to remember, that's for sure. :lol
(Also, the sex is crazy good. Like stupid good. Like something out of this world. God fucking damn.)
Congrats! Good luck with everything.
...When did people become so "disposable"? It goes two ways. Two people go on a few dates, or whatever, and then one stops communicating completely. The person that's ignoring the other's attempts at communication finds that person to be disposable, as they think it's okay to just ignore and the problem will go away. How did this person become so disposable to "you" that you simply want them to go away with no contact whatsoever? Kinda shitty. BUT, "you" expect this person to just get the message and fade away into the ether. "You" expect them to find "you" just as disposable as "you" do them. And if they don't get the message, they're the idiot.
How did people become so full of self-loathing that they want someone else to consider them disposable?
We live in a world of apathy. There are distractions everywhere. We've forgotten how to treat people because we've become so desensitized that all we see is a name on a screen and forget there is a real person connected to that name. One that just wants a simple explanation. It's easy to be filled with hubris when you don't have to look someone in the eye.
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Thanks for all the well wishes, guys. :)
Lynxo!! Buddy! Good job on potentially exiting The Club! I do agree with sylvan though - if you focus on your differences, that's all you'll eventually see. Don't get caught up in the differences being potentially negative - see it as a growing experience for the both of you. Being an introvert myself, I can really understand the fear of "putting yourself out there" or getting out of your comfort zone. Just be patient with yourself and don't beat yourself up over who you know you are.
LOL, Philosophical Deb is philosophical. XD
I know, I try to have that mind set. :) I've felt for several months I need to be challenged, I've been stuck in a rut for most of this year. This is a great way to break out of it. I'm sure there will be set backs (there's already been a few) but in the end, both she and I have much to gain from this. I feel really good about this. :)
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A month ago, my girlfriend of almost 8 years ended things with me. Three weeks after that she was already with someone else. I'm going through a rough time right now because I truly thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. She is the love of my life and I'm still trying to learn how to go through life without her. I have never felt heartbreak like this.
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A month ago, my girlfriend of almost 8 years ended things with me. Three weeks after that she was already with someone else. I'm going through a rough time right now because I truly thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. She is the love of my life and I'm still trying to learn how to go through life without her. I have never felt heartbreak like this.
You know what helps?
Bro-hugs!
(https://pre03.deviantart.net/09dd/th/pre/f/2013/215/a/a/bro_hug_by_sniperstalker-d6gjvzk.png)
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Yup. I'm so sorry. At some point in your life you'll look back and understand that you are better off not being with a person not dedicated to you like you were to her.
Secondly, you will be better for going through it. It's hard to see it now but we are here for you.
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A month ago, my girlfriend of almost 8 years ended things with me. Three weeks after that she was already with someone else. I'm going through a rough time right now because I truly thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. She is the love of my life and I'm still trying to learn how to go through life without her. I have never felt heartbreak like this.
We're here for you, dude.
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A month ago, my girlfriend of almost 8 years ended things with me. Three weeks after that she was already with someone else. I'm going through a rough time right now because I truly thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. She is the love of my life and I'm still trying to learn how to go through life without her. I have never felt heartbreak like this.
Damn. :( :( :(
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Breakups are tough enough as it is. They're made tougher when one of the people in the prior relationship moves on really quickly while the other.. doesn't. I know it's fresh and it still stings but just take as much time as you need to get acclimated to being on your own and to also process the emotions related to the aftermath of the relationship. Eight years is a LONG time - that's how long my last relationship was. It's taken me about 2 years to really feel normal again (admittedly, I was still carrying bad baggage from childhood and wanted to get rid of that before getting in to another relationship - felt that the other person, whoever he is, didn't deserve that from me).
As Skeever posted - we are here for you. :heart
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Thank you to all of you. It really means a lot.
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A month ago, my girlfriend of almost 8 years ended things with me. Three weeks after that she was already with someone else. I'm going through a rough time right now because I truly thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. She is the love of my life and I'm still trying to learn how to go through life without her. I have never felt heartbreak like this.
She could have very well had him picked out before she even ended the relationship. It's typical in these scenarios. Sorry to hear it, though. The road to healing will probably be long and full of frustrating moments of feeling like you're over it one day, then realizing you're not the next, but you'll get there.
I've had some great relationships in my time, but one thing I've learned is, no matter how long you've been together and how strong you think the bond is between the two of you, no one is impervious to losing it all in a single instant.
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Bummer, very sorry to hear that. Definitely a bigger sting when somebody appears to have moved on so quickly, but there might be more beneath the surface.
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A month ago, my girlfriend of almost 8 years ended things with me. Three weeks after that she was already with someone else. I'm going through a rough time right now because I truly thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. She is the love of my life and I'm still trying to learn how to go through life without her. I have never felt heartbreak like this.
Sorry to hear that, bro. There's obviously a whole slew of emotions going on there. If you need to talk, shoot me a message.
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A month ago, my girlfriend of almost 8 years ended things with me. Three weeks after that she was already with someone else. I'm going through a rough time right now because I truly thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. She is the love of my life and I'm still trying to learn how to go through life without her. I have never felt heartbreak like this.
Cold blooded! So, I've never been in a relationship long enough to have a real breakup. But, I've been emotionally effected to a great degree by other FAR LESS involved "relationships". What in the world is it like to end a relationship that's been such a huge part of your life? The Count might not be in a good place to answer that. I know some of the rest of you are divorced, or have at least been in long relationships. Was it really all that sudden? Regardless of what side you're on, weren't there warning signs? Even if only in hindsight.
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I'm not so much lonely hearted. More like my soul is lonely, and in turn my head is going down bad paths that people follow when they're lonely. Suddenly bad ideas sound like good ideas. And it's giving me the false impressions of having a lonely heart. I'm glad I'm self aware enough to acknowledge these things, and use them to help myself grow. It's also good to get some perspective around here. As much as something might be bothering me emotionally, it could be worse. Not that I take solace in other people's pain, but there's lessons to be learned all over the place.
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Cold blooded! So, I've never been in a relationship long enough to have a real breakup. But, I've been emotionally effected to a great degree by other FAR LESS involved "relationships". What in the world is it like to end a relationship that's been such a huge part of your life? The Count might not be in a good place to answer that. I know some of the rest of you are divorced, or have at least been in long relationships. Was it really all that sudden? Regardless of what side you're on, weren't there warning signs? Even if only in hindsight.
I've had them end in a variety of ways. I had a 6 year relationship end with her not only leaving the state without warning, but also leaving no way to contact her. Poof!! It was like she vanished off the planet. Two years later, she contacted me via email. She apologized profusely and explained that her sudden disappearance was over the fact I wasn't interested in marriage. She also went on to say marriage wasn't important to her anymore and asked if I was interested in rekindling things between us. I never responded.
Then I've had others end where I knew things were gradually fading, and we both eventually realized it was time to move on. The partings were fairly amicable. As I said earlier, though, the one thing I've learned through all my relationships is - no matter what the circumstances, it can all end at any moment.
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I'm not so much lonely hearted. More like my soul is lonely, and in turn my head is going down bad paths that people follow when they're lonely. Suddenly bad ideas sound like good ideas. And it's giving me the false impressions of having a lonely heart. I'm glad I'm self aware enough to acknowledge these things, and use them to help myself grow. It's also good to get some perspective around here. As much as something might be bothering me emotionally, it could be worse. Not that I take solace in other people's pain, but there's lessons to be learned all over the place.
Yeah, I'm the king of bad ideas and using poor judgment and excuses. I don't think there's anything wrong with some self indulgence as long as you're not hurting anyone.
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I've had them end in a variety of ways. I had a 6 year relationship end with her not only leaving the state without warning, but also leaving no way to contact her. Poof!! It was like she vanished off the planet. Two years later, she contacted me via email. She apologized profusely and explained that her sudden disappearance was over the fact I wasn't interested in marriage. She also went on to say marriage wasn't important to her anymore and asked if I was interested in rekindling things between us. I never responded.
What in the actual fuck?! Wow. How did you not lose it on her? I guess after two years you weren't freaking out over it, but still!
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I've had them end in a variety of ways. I had a 6 year relationship end with her not only leaving the state without warning, but also leaving no way to contact her. Poof!! It was like she vanished off the planet. Two years later, she contacted me via email. She apologized profusely and explained that her sudden disappearance was over the fact I wasn't interested in marriage. She also went on to say marriage wasn't important to her anymore and asked if I was interested in rekindling things between us. I never responded.
What in the actual fuck?! Wow. How did you not lose it on her? I guess after two years you weren't freaking out over it, but still!
The funny thing is, I had envisioned myself blasting her if I ever had the opportunity to communicate with or see her again, but when it actually happened, I had already moved on to better things. So, silently rejecting her idea of getting back together was satisfying enough.
The whole situation really sucked, though, because my entire family worshiped the ground she walked on. It was also very disappointing that her family (who lived a few hours away) wouldn't return my calls or messages to let me know what happened, either. It was all very unexpected because we had only spoke of marriage once, and she didn't express any disapproval of my opinion on it.
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Ugh. What a cowardly and hurtful way to handle that situation. I wonder if there was more to it than she let on.
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A month ago, my girlfriend of almost 8 years ended things with me. Three weeks after that she was already with someone else. I'm going through a rough time right now because I truly thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. She is the love of my life and I'm still trying to learn how to go through life without her. I have never felt heartbreak like this.
Wow thats terrible. Not just the break up which is difficult, but the fast turn around from her which I'd imagine leaves you wondering WTF. Obviously as stated, DTF lonely hearts are here for you man.
I've had them end in a variety of ways. I had a 6 year relationship end with her not only leaving the state without warning, but also leaving no way to contact her. Poof!! It was like she vanished off the planet. Two years later, she contacted me via email. She apologized profusely and explained that her sudden disappearance was over the fact I wasn't interested in marriage. She also went on to say marriage wasn't important to her anymore and asked if I was interested in rekindling things between us. I never responded.
And we bitch about being ghosted after a first date. That takes things to a whole different level and is so messed up.
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Ugh. What a cowardly and hurtful way to handle that situation. I wonder if there was more to it than she let on.
I'm not sure. We never had a single fight when we were together, and were both seemingly happy. Funny enough, the woman I ended up with after her was wanting retribution more than I did. She wanted to send steamy pictures of us together to the ex. I declined, though. It just seemed childish, even for someone as immature as I am. :lol
"And we bitch about being ghosted after a first date. That takes things to a whole different level and is so messed up. "
I don't think I've ever experienced it after a first date, but if I ever do, I'll scrape the gum off my shoe and keep walking, so to speak.
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Ugh guys, I had a shitty experience with a dude from the movie theater I frequent. Long story ahead:
It started out really promising- he gave me his number and we were texting a LOT. Things got sexy and whatnot via text (including, btw, him telling me things like he was jerking off thinking about me) and I was all like "When we hanging out??" That's when shit got weird. He kept avoiding making plans with me, and ended up cancelling a couple times when we did. He is going through a divorce and I get that can be weird, BUT also turns out he's dating someone "casually" and isn't sure if she is expecting monogamy or not. Most of you know I'm not a monogamous person so him dating other people wasn't an issue but obviously the absence of any kind of conversation about expectations in their relationship was a problem. I suggested he talk to her about it or stop wasting my time, but of couse he wasn't willing to do that. He thought he could just kind of keep me around as backup and spank bank material (he actually had the nerve one day, after flaking on me when I invited him out, to look at my pic on instagram and say "You looked so hot last night"- eww).
We made plans one more time for Tuesday after I had aired my grievances about the situation, including him being flaky... well, of course he cancelled at the last minute, citing having too much "respect" for me and because he would feel bad if something happened between us. I told him bye. He said "come onnnn" and the next day "Dude, you unfriended me?" I told him I had good reason to do so. He said he was hoping he could be friends, lol... I told him I didn't want to, and he acted confused.
Sooo I finally decided to go off on him yesterday, and this was the conversation:
"Okay, I do not think you are as dumb as you are playing right now, but I will spell it out for you: You gave me your number and then proceeded to spend over a week texting me constantly, flirting, asking me about things like kinks and favorite sexual positions, asking for photos, telling me you wanted to bend me over a counter and jerked off to me multiple times, and so on... all while in a presumed-to-be monogamous relationship that you failed to mention at the start. When I tried to hang out with you in that same period of verbal green lights, you avoided committing to anything, stopped texting me mid-conversation, and cancelled plans several times. When I put my feelings out there about all this and questioned the purpose of continuing to talk, you swore you weren't trying to jerk me around and didn't want to friend-zone me. After saying that, you cancelled on me again at the last minute and told me... you want to be friends.
What the fuck basis for a friendship do we have?
My head has been messed with and my time wasted. If you honestly cannot see that, you are either a sociopath or have the emotional IQ of a child with no insight into your own actions and how they affect other people. The only reason I didn't tell you to fuck off was because I knew I would have to interact with you in the future and I'm trying to be mature about this. You had the nerve to use the word "respect" with me when you have shown pretty much zero respect for my time, my feelings, or my fucking existence. I'm done expending those things and done with this conversation."
"Well, I humbly apologize. I recall you saying that monogamy wasn't your thing. And I do like you, despite what you think. I'm just not good at any of this. Im for real sorry"
"No, it isn't, but my preferences on monogamy have nothing to do with the level of respect and consideration I deserve as a fellow human being. Point missed. Again, I no longer want to have this conversation. Peace."
"Can we start over?"
:rollin :rollin
Holy shit. I can't believe he asked that. Needless to say I did not reply, but wow. Yep, emotional IQ of a child. I am so fucking done with this bullshit.
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What a story!
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"Okay, I do not think you are as dumb as you are playing right now, but I will spell it out for you: You gave me your number and then proceeded to spend over a week texting me constantly, flirting, asking me about things like kinks and favorite sexual positions, asking for photos, telling me you wanted to bend me over a counter and jerked off to me multiple times, and so on... all while in a presumed-to-be monogamous relationship that you failed to mention at the start. When I tried to hang out with you in that same period of verbal green lights, you avoided committing to anything, stopped texting me mid-conversation, and cancelled plans several times. When I put my feelings out there about all this and questioned the purpose of continuing to talk, you swore you weren't trying to jerk me around and didn't want to friend-zone me. After saying that, you cancelled on me again at the last minute and told me... you want to be friends.
What the fuck basis for a friendship do we have?
My head has been messed with and my time wasted. If you honestly cannot see that, you are either a sociopath or have the emotional IQ of a child with no insight into your own actions and how they affect other people. The only reason I didn't tell you to fuck off was because I knew I would have to interact with you in the future and I'm trying to be mature about this. You had the nerve to use the word "respect" with me when you have shown pretty much zero respect for my time, my feelings, or my fucking existence. I'm done expending those things and done with this conversation."
:metal :metal :metal :metal :metal :metal
Fuck yea!
I'm glad you told him straight out what was up and were able to walk away from that
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Might seem odd to some of you, but what would have REALLY sent me through the roof (if the other stuff didn't) was the "I'm not good at this".
WTF? You're not good at RESPECTING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING? You're not good at BEING CONSIDERATE? These are not "dating skills", these are "human being skills", that presumably we learn as we're going to through middle- and high-school.
Fuck this guy. I've never met him, but I'm leaning toward 'sociopath' or just plain 'arrogant douche'. "Hey, I'm smooth, I can talk my way out of the doghouse!" Fuck you man, you give decent guys a bad name.
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Yep, emotional IQ of a child.
He probably thinks of it as "being young at heart", which of course, it isn't. As for "I'm not good at this", it may as well mean "I don't give a shit".
I don't know what it will take for many people to understand things go SO much smoother with just being honest, no matter what your intent is.
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I don't know what it will take for many people to understand things go SO much smoother with just being honest, no matter what your intent is.
I think I said it before in this thread, but since so many people are dishonest, when you are honest even in something negative, it comes across so much better and earns some respect.
It's so hard for me to sometimes tell a new potential date, "by the way, I really enjoy smoking marijuana" when you know that person may not really like that. When you are honest you're more likely to get the response "Oh, I appreciate you being upfront about that, even though I don't like it, if it's not a negative on your life then it shouldn't impact us" vs. "Oh I found out you like marijuana, why didn't you tell me before? I don't like that"
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That's some bullshit. It drives me up a wall when guys are like that. Some men still are in the mindset that they are the superior gender and expect women to bow to their every whim. It's disgusting. It sucks that you had to go through that but you showed him that you're above that and that makes me happy. I absolutely loved what you said to him and I feel that if more guys were given a rude awakening that they ain't hot shit, maybe things would start to change. Good on you for standing your ground and telling that absolute tool to go fuck himself.
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That's some bullshit. It drives me up a wall when guys are like that. Some men still are in the mindset that they are the superior gender and expect women to bow to their every whim. It's disgusting. It sucks that you had to go through that but you showed him that you're above that and that makes me happy. I absolutely loved what you said to him and I feel that if more guys were given a rude awakening that they ain't hot shit, maybe things would start to change. Good on you for standing your ground and telling that absolute tool to go fuck himself.
While men are very guilty of this, especially on the sexual front. Women do this as well, keep a guy hanging. I don't think it's a gender thing personally. Just people treating people poorly.
I've also heard the "I'm not good at this" excuse before when treated poorly.
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Might seem odd to some of you, but what would have REALLY sent me through the roof (if the other stuff didn't) was the "I'm not good at this".
WTF? You're not good at RESPECTING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING? You're not good at BEING CONSIDERATE? These are not "dating skills", these are "human being skills", that presumably we learn as we're going to through middle- and high-school.
Fuck this guy. I've never met him, but I'm leaning toward 'sociopath' or just plain 'arrogant douche'. "Hey, I'm smooth, I can talk my way out of the doghouse!" Fuck you man, you give decent guys a bad name.
Yep, pretty much. That line pissed me off as well but wasn't the primary one that set me off.
But yeah, you hit the nail on the head- mofucker is 36 years old and he doesn't know how to be respectful?? Fuck that noise.
And thanks for the support, everyone. I should have told him off sooner but I let my vagina think for me and get in the way. Such is life.
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Might seem odd to some of you, but what would have REALLY sent me through the roof (if the other stuff didn't) was the "I'm not good at this".
WTF? You're not good at RESPECTING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING? You're not good at BEING CONSIDERATE? These are not "dating skills", these are "human being skills", that presumably we learn as we're going to through middle- and high-school.
Fuck this guy. I've never met him, but I'm leaning toward 'sociopath' or just plain 'arrogant douche'. "Hey, I'm smooth, I can talk my way out of the doghouse!" Fuck you man, you give decent guys a bad name.
Yep, pretty much. That line pissed me off as well but wasn't the primary one that set me off.
But yeah, you hit the nail on the head- mofucker is 36 years old and he doesn't know how to be respectful?? Fuck that noise.
And thanks for the support, everyone. I should have told him off sooner but I let my vagina think for me and get in the way. Such is life.
Wow, dude sounds like a real failure.
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Bad news guys. A couple of days ago my potential side chick stopped talking to me. She was very mean about it too, probably on her period with blood coming out of her wherever. What do?
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Bad news guys. A couple of days ago my potential side chick stopped talking to me. She was very mean about it too, probably on her period with blood coming out of her wherever. What do?
Side chick as in a girl you are seeing on the side? I guess hope she doesn't tell main chick. There are ways to keep people quiet.
But on a serious note, if you meant a girl you were dating, then that sucks, but the only thing to do is move on really.
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Bad news guys. A couple of days ago my potential side chick stopped talking to me. She was very mean about it too, probably on her period with blood coming out of her wherever. What do?
Just remind her that you're not very good at this.
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Bad news guys. A couple of days ago my potential side chick stopped talking to me. She was very mean about it too, probably on her period with blood coming out of her wherever. What do?
Just remind her that you're not very good at this.
:rollin
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Bad news guys. A couple of days ago my potential side chick stopped talking to me. She was very mean about it too, probably on her period with blood coming out of her wherever. What do?
Did you get to eat the jelly donut?
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:lolpalm: nick
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I should have told him off sooner but I let my vagina think for me and get in the way. Such is life.
HAHAHA, with all the times I let my cock make really bad decisions for me, I find this sentence to be incredibly satisfying, in a "for all our differences, we're really all pretty similar at heart" kind of way.
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Let's see. I seem to have assembled a new list of potentials.
Snow
Milena
Maly
Diana
Alyssa
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DAMMIT NCIK :lol
Um... so that guy I mentioned? Yeah. :hefdaddy
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So yeah, didn't work out with the girl. At least we came to that conclusion fairly quickly. Still, it kinda sucks.
You know what? I hate dating, but I love being in a relationship. That's not a very helpful combination. :lol So I'm gonna need some time before I'm ready to start dating again.
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Let's see. I seem to have assembled a new list of potentials.
Snow
Milena
Maly
Diana
Alyssa
Sherri
Elisa
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So yeah, didn't work out with the girl. At least we came to that conclusion fairly quickly. Still, it kinda sucks.
You know what? I hate dating, but I love being in a relationship. That's not a very helpful combination. :lol So I'm gonna need some time before I'm ready to start dating again.
Just whet your appetite for now.
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You know what? I hate dating, but I love being in a relationship. That's not a very helpful combination. :lol So I'm gonna need some time before I'm ready to start dating again.
This is me. I absolutely hate dating. I hate every single bit of it. The only enjoyable part is the first time both parties start stripping down and bone. Other than that, it's a guessing game filled with too much work. I'm thrilled that my current relationship only had about 4 hours of dating before getting serious.
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What's wrong with just going to a bar and picking someone up? Or am I being too simplisitic here?
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What's wrong with just going to a bar and picking someone up? Or am I being too simplisitic here?
Nothing wrong with it, but not sure what that has to do with disliking dating.
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What's wrong with just going to a bar and picking someone up? Or am I being too simplisitic here?
Well, props to you if you feel comfortable with that! As for me, I have trouble with making small talk and open up to strangers. Sometimes I can, but it's always a struggle against what I feel comfortable with. But everybody's different.
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What's wrong with just going to a bar and picking someone up? Or am I being too simplisitic here?
Try doing that as someone who's overweight with next to no game.
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What's wrong with just going to a bar and picking someone up? Or am I being too simplisitic here?
Try doing that as someone who's overweight with next to no game.
:lol yea that's pretty much me as well, the online dating has worked much better than approaching someone at a bar for me
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No one way is better than another, and even though I met my wife online, I am WAY better in person than with a static picture and a bunch of words. It helps that I will talk to anyone at any time about anything, and worry about the consequences later. The one thing I can't do is just walk up to a woman with the express intention of asking her out/dating/boning. I sort of have to let it come to me. It always helps to keep an open seat next to you, and believe it or not, I had WAY better luck when I went by myself (which I did often, either to meet people or to have a bite to eat before the drinking activities began).
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What's wrong with just going to a bar and picking someone up? Or am I being too simplisitic here?
That's definitely my preference. I know many guys aren't comfortable with it, and I can understand why in some ways, but a lot of times they envision all sorts of horrific outcomes that just
aren't very likely to occur. However, I don't believe the solution is as simple as just forcing yourself and going with a "fake it until you make it" approach, either. A person trying to fake confidence
will collapse like a house of cards over anything that even remotely resembles rejection, and probably not feel much desire to try again.
In my case, I believe it took a lot of bad experiences outside the dating world (having a lot people close to me die in a very short period, for example) for me to develop such a thick skin that approaching a woman seemed so miniscule in comparison.
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You're right; it's not about "faking it". Women can smell fear, and they can smell insincerity.
But part of it is not over-complicating it, and putting too much pressure on things. You can't approach ONE girl with the mindset that you are going to say something quippy, sweep her off her feet, she's going to blow you in the car on the way home, you'll be exclusive by tomorrow, and marry her by St. Patrick's day. That is DESTINED for failure. It's a self-replicating thing.
You need to talk to guys. Talk to ugly girls. Talk to girls there with their boyfriend. Talk to the bartender. Talk to the bouncer. Get into the habit of starting conversations. Part of the trick of that is putting yourself in their position. I don't like Beyoncé any more than anyone else here, but you won't catch me dead telling someone I just met "Oh, Beyoncé sucks; her live show is all backing tapes, and well, you don't know music unless you can recite the lyrics to all four sides of Topographic Oceans, by Yes. Produced by Eddie Offord, released in 1973 on Atlantic Records, and a cover by Roger Dean." Go with the flow. If there's a band, say something to the person next to you. "I like that song". "I like that guitar." "I like that singer's hat." If there's a game on TV, ask how the team did the night before. If they say "I don't know, I never watch sports." you can run with that. "Neither do I!" or "How can you not watch sports ever?" (as a joke). If they say "Oh, they won", run with that. It's all about listening. You'll still fail more often than not, but it's like riding a bike; it gets easier.
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Stadler, I would normally say that is good advice, but last time I tried to talk to a bar tender, we were married by St. Patrick's day.
Was a bit too serious for me.
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Stadler has the right approach. Just start talking to anyone. Build up that confidence and conversational skill. Don't treat it like you're asking her to marry you. Treat it like you want to see this girl smile, or hear a soft laugh, so how are you going to do it? Comment on what she's drinking or if she's watching what is on the tv. Maybe the town drunk is at the end of the bar singing My Way, so make a comment to her about that to see if it makes her laugh. There are so many ways to break the ice.
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So long story, but I have started hanging with this dude I've known very casually for a few years (let's call him... KC) and so far things are going really well. Based on tonight's date he seems to have some confidence issues (iiif you know what I mean) but is more than capable of making up for those in other ways. Dirty stuff aside, we have a lot in common and have spent hours talking. The time totally flies by and it's really nice. I also really enjoy making out with him and he is very touchy and cuddly. He's really into music and film and beer and is in a poly relationship with a girl who seems cool (I've only met her briefly before I started seeing him and she seemed a bit shy but nice). He has a young kid with his ex but has a rule about introducing her to people he's dating (6mos), which is fucking fine with me considering how involved I got with that couple's kids and now I haven't seen them in like two months :(
I did have dinner with the husband of that couple last night, after six weeks of not talking, but things are weird and uncertain and I have no idea what's next, if anything. I still have feelings but not sure it's worth pursuing at the risk of more drama and hurt. We shall see.
Anyway, I have a good feeling about KC and am hoping to see him again soon :D
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Ermm..
Panda and I moved into a new place.. and have been working on fixing shit with our relationship.
Slowly but surely things are kinda getting better.
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You know what? I hate dating, but I love being in a relationship. That's not a very helpful combination. :lol So I'm gonna need some time before I'm ready to start dating again.
This is me. I absolutely hate dating. I hate every single bit of it. The only enjoyable part is the first time both parties start stripping down and bone. Other than that, it's a guessing game filled with too much work. I'm thrilled that my current relationship only had about 4 hours of dating before getting serious.
Few things are more exciting than seeing someone you're dating naked for the first time :lol
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You know what? I hate dating, but I love being in a relationship. That's not a very helpful combination. :lol So I'm gonna need some time before I'm ready to start dating again.
This is me. I absolutely hate dating. I hate every single bit of it. The only enjoyable part is the first time both parties start stripping down and bone. Other than that, it's a guessing game filled with too much work. I'm thrilled that my current relationship only had about 4 hours of dating before getting serious.
Few things are more exciting than seeing someone you're dating naked for the first time :lol
So true
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You know what? I hate dating, but I love being in a relationship. That's not a very helpful combination. :lol So I'm gonna need some time before I'm ready to start dating again.
This is me. I absolutely hate dating. I hate every single bit of it. The only enjoyable part is the first time both parties start stripping down and bone. Other than that, it's a guessing game filled with too much work. I'm thrilled that my current relationship only had about 4 hours of dating before getting serious.
Few things are more exciting than seeing someone you're dating naked for the first time :lol
So true
It's that critical moment in a potential relationship when you finally learn whether or not she's been wearing a padded bra
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Or any bra at all, in my case.
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You know what? I hate dating, but I love being in a relationship. That's not a very helpful combination. :lol So I'm gonna need some time before I'm ready to start dating again.
This is me. I absolutely hate dating. I hate every single bit of it. The only enjoyable part is the first time both parties start stripping down and bone. Other than that, it's a guessing game filled with too much work. I'm thrilled that my current relationship only had about 4 hours of dating before getting serious.
Few things are more exciting than seeing someone you're dating naked for the first time :lol
That was a great moment with my ex but it's never happened in my adult life sadly.
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Wrong thread!
But since I'm here, still single, still ugly, still too busy to care a whole lot at the moment.
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:-* :-* :-*
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You know what? I hate dating, but I love being in a relationship. That's not a very helpful combination. :lol So I'm gonna need some time before I'm ready to start dating again.
This is me. I absolutely hate dating. I hate every single bit of it. The only enjoyable part is the first time both parties start stripping down and bone. Other than that, it's a guessing game filled with too much work. I'm thrilled that my current relationship only had about 4 hours of dating before getting serious.
Few things are more exciting than seeing someone you're dating naked for the first time :lol
I've been married for, oh shit, decades at this point. I still get excited when I see my wife naked. I guess that is a good sign.
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What's wrong with just going to a bar and picking someone up? Or am I being too simplisitic here?
Try doing that as someone who's overweight with next to no game.
Yeah, good point - even with "beer goggles".
Panda and I moved into a new place.. and have been working on fixing shit with our relationship.
Slowly but surely things are kinda getting better.
Good! Glad to hear it!
So long story.. *snip post about KC (and the Sunshine Band lol)*
Righteous! Hope it works - he sounds cool so far.
So um.. sod it. The guy I've been talking to is just super duper awesome and sweet and I think we both kinda dig on each other. The really odd thing that's not really odd to me is that we're either in the same mood or doing the same things. Like being tired at the same time, eating at the same time.. blah blah shit shit. We're both noticing it happening more too. I don't have a problem with it and neither does he.
I really like this gent, and it's looking more and more that he really likes me too. Daww. :blush :biggrin:
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Snow
Milena
Maly
Diana
Alyssa
Sherri
Elisa
I hate dating
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So, I'm looking for your opinion on something. I just friended this girl on Facebook that I grew up with, but haven't seen in 15 years, and closer to 20 since we've really been close. I wanna ask her to meetup sometime and catch-up, and maybe see if there's some connection. Is there any way to say this without sounding cliche? I can't believe that's the point in life I've reached :lol. "Wanna catch-up sometime?" Or is that really the only play? I want it to seem casual, but also that I actually want to see her, and not that I'm totally whatevs about it.
I'm so used to online dating, I haven't done anything real world in a while. And although Facebook feels like other sites in that they're all social networking, Facebook is NOT a default dating site.
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So, I'm looking for your opinion on something. I just friended this girl on Facebook that I grew up with, but haven't seen in 15 years, and closer to 20 since we've really been close. I wanna ask her to meetup sometime and catch-up, and maybe see if there's some connection. Is there any way to say this without sounding cliche? I can't believe that's the point in life I've reached :lol. "Wanna catch-up sometime?" Or is that really the only play? I want it to seem casual, but also that I actually want to see her, and not that I'm totally whatevs about it.
I'm so used to online dating, I haven't done anything real world in a while. And although Facebook feels like other sites in that they're all social networking, Facebook is NOT a default dating site.
People generally respond well to forwardness and confidence. Tell her the truth. "I would like to get together sometime and see you in person again. Would you like to go out? Maybe Friday?" Wouldn't you dig it if she said that to you? Chances are she'll dig it if you say it to her. The forward approach is the best in my opinion. If she says no, then you know not to spend your thoughts or time there. It's also the most honest and respectful way to handle it in my opinion.
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Well, I have a date with Sherri on Thursday night. She lives in Manhattan so I'm going to meet her there and go for drinks.
So, I'm looking for your opinion on something. I just friended this girl on Facebook that I grew up with, but haven't seen in 15 years, and closer to 20 since we've really been close. I wanna ask her to meetup sometime and catch-up, and maybe see if there's some connection. Is there any way to say this without sounding cliche? I can't believe that's the point in life I've reached :lol. "Wanna catch-up sometime?" Or is that really the only play? I want it to seem casual, but also that I actually want to see her, and not that I'm totally whatevs about it.
I'm so used to online dating, I haven't done anything real world in a while. And although Facebook feels like other sites in that they're all social networking, Facebook is NOT a default dating site.
Make it casual. The fact that you're asking tells her that you want to see her. No need to write it in the sky. ;)
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So yeah, didn't work out with the girl. At least we came to that conclusion fairly quickly. Still, it kinda sucks.
You know what? I hate dating, but I love being in a relationship. That's not a very helpful combination. :lol So I'm gonna need some time before I'm ready to start dating again.
Continuation on this...
So I know we're really jumping back and forth on this. :lol But me and the girl had a talk and decided to try again. And to make sure we're not hurting each other again, we've set up some ground rules.
The main difficulty we've had is the language barrier. She's from Poland and I'm from Sweden and we communicate through english. Now, I don't think neither of us are half bad at english but when you're in a relationship with someone and have to communicate your feelings through your second language, it's a whole other thing and it's super easy to misunderstand each other. :lol
So, we now begin take two. :tup
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So yeah, didn't work out with the girl. At least we came to that conclusion fairly quickly. Still, it kinda sucks.
You know what? I hate dating, but I love being in a relationship. That's not a very helpful combination. :lol So I'm gonna need some time before I'm ready to start dating again.
Continuation on this...
So I know we're really jumping back and forth on this. :lol But me and the girl had a talk and decided to try again. And to make sure we're not hurting each other again, we've set up some ground rules.
The main difficulty we've had is the language barrier. She's from Poland and I'm from Sweden and we communicate through english. Now, I don't think neither of us are half bad at english but when you're in a relationship with someone and have to communicate your feelings through your second language, it's a whole other thing and it's super easy to misunderstand each other. :lol
So, we now begin take two. :tup
I'm gonna apply some Barney Stinson statistics to this. "Did you know that 83% of relationships that end, end because of poor communication." But for real dude, people who speak the same first language have communication problems. Of course it's gonna be a little tricky for two people speaking a second language to just get it right. You know what helps communication issues? More communication! Yeah, it sounds basic and stupid, and it is, and that's why it's so ridiculous when people can't work things out because of bad communication. It sounds like you two are on the same page. That's a good start. Keep talking.
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People generally respond well to forwardness and confidence. Tell her the truth. "I would like to get together sometime and see you in person again. Would you like to go out? Maybe Friday?" Wouldn't you dig it if she said that to you? Chances are she'll dig it if you say it to her. The forward approach is the best in my opinion. If she says no, then you know not to spend your thoughts or time there. It's also the most honest and respectful way to handle it in my opinion.
Make it casual. The fact that you're asking tells her that you want to see her. No need to write it in the sky. ;)
I slept on it last night, and woke up with pretty much the same thought. I can tend to over think things, but I think you guys nailed it.
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Yeah, definitely just ask if she wants to hang... and let us know!
I spent a huge chunk of the weekend with KC and am reaaally into him. *sigh*
Also saw Vermont for the first time in months this weekend, which was nice. And another dude I see occasionally. When it rains it pours!
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So, I'm looking for your opinion on something. I just friended this girl on Facebook that I grew up with, but haven't seen in 15 years, and closer to 20 since we've really been close. I wanna ask her to meetup sometime and catch-up, and maybe see if there's some connection. Is there any way to say this without sounding cliche? I can't believe that's the point in life I've reached :lol. "Wanna catch-up sometime?" Or is that really the only play? I want it to seem casual, but also that I actually want to see her, and not that I'm totally whatevs about it.
I'm so used to online dating, I haven't done anything real world in a while. And although Facebook feels like other sites in that they're all social networking, Facebook is NOT a default dating site.
As others have said, just be straightforward and tell her you would like to see her again after all this time. You don't really need a slick presentation for that. However, I wouldn't mention the "see if there's a connection" part. That will reveal itself in the meet up if it occurs.
Coincidentally, I was in a similar scenario the weekend after Thanksgiving. I met up with a girl I was close with in school, but lost contact with after graduating. I tried finding her for many years, and she finally showed up when I searched for her on Facebook in September. So, the weekend after Thanksgiving she asked if I wanted to get together, and we did. The funny part - it turns out we have lived in the same neighborhood for ten years and had no idea until we met up.
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So, I'm looking for your opinion on something. I just friended this girl on Facebook that I grew up with, but haven't seen in 15 years, and closer to 20 since we've really been close. I wanna ask her to meetup sometime and catch-up, and maybe see if there's some connection. Is there any way to say this without sounding cliche? I can't believe that's the point in life I've reached :lol. "Wanna catch-up sometime?" Or is that really the only play? I want it to seem casual, but also that I actually want to see her, and not that I'm totally whatevs about it.
I'm so used to online dating, I haven't done anything real world in a while. And although Facebook feels like other sites in that they're all social networking, Facebook is NOT a default dating site.
Don't be that forward. Instead, creepily follow her online patterns and behaviors until you can predict where she'll be next.
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Coincidentally, I was in a similar scenario the weekend after Thanksgiving. I met up with a girl I was close with in school, but lost contact with after graduating. I tried finding her for many years, and she finally showed up when I searched for her on Facebook in September. So, the weekend after Thanksgiving she asked if I wanted to get together, and we did. The funny part - it turns out we have lived in the same neighborhood for ten years and had no idea until we met up.
It's crazy how many things you can see that prove how small the world can be sometimes. Unfortunately, I find myself wondering why the world can't be a little smaller sometimes, as I never seem to cross paths with anyone whom I actually want to see again :mehlin.
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Don't be that forward. Instead, creepily follow her online patterns and behaviors until you can predict where she'll be next.
That was my first instinct, as it's my usual go to plan. It just never seems to work out the way I see it in my mind's eye :loser:.
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So, I'm looking for your opinion on something. I just friended this girl on Facebook that I grew up with, but haven't seen in 15 years, and closer to 20 since we've really been close. I wanna ask her to meetup sometime and catch-up, and maybe see if there's some connection. Is there any way to say this without sounding cliche? I can't believe that's the point in life I've reached :lol. "Wanna catch-up sometime?" Or is that really the only play? I want it to seem casual, but also that I actually want to see her, and not that I'm totally whatevs about it.
I think I wrote something about this (indirectly) a couple days ago. You have to view it as the "only play". If you're adult and honest about it, you can have your cake and eat it too. You can absolutely go in cool as a cucumber - meaning, not expecting anything - and say hello, order drinks, ask dumb questions ("Hey, do you still eat paste?") or say dumb things ("I haven't seen you since... recess!") and see how the convo goes, and 15 minutes in - unless it is an awkward car wreck, just look at her and pause and say "wow, this is nice. Once we connected, I was looking forward to seeing you". Then let it drop. Go back to "Hey, have you seen so and so lately?" One thing I like to do is use non sequitors. "Hey, when's the last time you went to our school?" "Did you see any teachers when you were there?" "Wow, that shirt is a striking color!". As long as the non sequitor isn't along the lines of "Wow, your tits have REALLY sagged; they used to be magnificent!", she'll remember that.
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[...]As long as the non sequitor isn't along the lines of "Wow, your tits have REALLY sagged; they used to be magnificent!", she'll remember that.
I'm sure she would remember that regardless. :lol
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Coincidentally, I was in a similar scenario the weekend after Thanksgiving. I met up with a girl I was close with in school, but lost contact with after graduating. I tried finding her for many years, and she finally showed up when I searched for her on Facebook in September. So, the weekend after Thanksgiving she asked if I wanted to get together, and we did. The funny part - it turns out we have lived in the same neighborhood for ten years and had no idea until we met up.
It's crazy how many things you can see that prove how small the world can be sometimes. Unfortunately, I find myself wondering why the world can't be a little smaller sometimes, as I never seem to cross paths with anyone whom I actually want to see again :mehlin.
Yes, it can certainly be astounding. I am still baffled as to how the hell we managed to not bump into each other in a 10 year period being in the same neighborhood. All that searching, and she was damn near in my back yard.
As far as crossing paths go, as much as there is to dislike about the Facebook experience, I have to say it has been absolutely invaluable in finding people from my distant past.
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My friends were talking the other day about how a guy from high school recently reached out to a girl from high school (they weren't friends or anything back in the day) and he was trying to ask her out on facebook. Granted, this guy was kind of a scumbag, but she thought it was weird. So my friends and I were discussing it and I think I was the only one in the group that saw it as fine. One friend said facebook is not a dating site, but while I agree, I also don't see how it can be limited to not being a way to connect with someone. Also, what's there to lose in such a scenario? That her friends may say "yea so and so reached out to me on facebook..." like my friends did... who cares. If that's your open line of communication to someone and you want to use it respectfully, then go for it.
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My friends were talking the other day about how a guy from high school recently reached out to a girl from high school (they weren't friends or anything back in the day) and he was trying to ask her out on facebook. Granted, this guy was kind of a scumbag, but she thought it was weird. So my friends and I were discussing it and I think I was the only one in the group that saw it as fine. One friend said facebook is not a dating site, but while I agree, I also don't see how it can be limited to not being a way to connect with someone. Also, what's there to lose in such a scenario? That her friends may say "yea so and so reached out to me on facebook..." like my friends did... who cares. If that's your open line of communication to someone and you want to use it respectfully, then go for it.
So, I assume she turned him down? If she did, I would venture to say it was just because she wasn't interested in him rather than having a problem with *how* he asked her out. If a guy has made a enough of a positive impression on a woman to capture her interest, she will generally overlook something like this.
However, with older women, I can see where *some* of them might have a preference for guys coming at them with a more "old school" approach.
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My friends were talking the other day about how a guy from high school recently reached out to a girl from high school (they weren't friends or anything back in the day) and he was trying to ask her out on facebook. Granted, this guy was kind of a scumbag, but she thought it was weird. So my friends and I were discussing it and I think I was the only one in the group that saw it as fine. One friend said facebook is not a dating site, but while I agree, I also don't see how it can be limited to not being a way to connect with someone. Also, what's there to lose in such a scenario? That her friends may say "yea so and so reached out to me on facebook..." like my friends did... who cares. If that's your open line of communication to someone and you want to use it respectfully, then go for it.
So, I assume she turned him down? If she did, I would venture to say it was just because she wasn't interested in him rather than having a problem with *how* he asked her out. If a guy has made a enough of a positive impression on a woman to capture her interest, she will generally overlook something like this.
However, with older women, I can see where *some* of them might have a preference for guys coming at them with a more "old school" approach.
Yea she turned him down and it was due to who he was not how he reached out to her, but she did find it weird to be reached out to on facebook. However, I don't think that one example should stop someone. I was just trying to relate since this just happened over the weekend.
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So did she actually turn him down, or did she just ignore him?
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So did she actually turn him down, or did she just ignore him?
I actually don't know that. I was told she wasn't interested, but not sure if that meant she ignored or responded and said no. Even though I went to high school with both, Im not close to either of them, just have mutual friends, but after hearing that story I did think maybe I should friend her and ask her out too cause she does seem like she could be good gf material. She actually comes up all the time as a suggested friend. Maybe I see her on new years eve and I'll see.
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See, now THAT'S impressive. How cool would that be if you DID score a date from Facebook from her? :)
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I've been chatting with this chick from OKC for a couple weeks. I haven't completely bailed on it, but I'm less interested than I was when I started. Honestly, it's just really inconvenient. I don't really feel like shaving, putting on decent clothes, and driving an hour in shit ass traffic if I'm not really feeling it. I might keep talking to her to at least see if a meetup is worth it.
I got a message on OKC about a week ago from a woman in Finland. We hadn't messaged much because we wanted to talk face to face. I skyped with her today for 45 mins and it was cool to talk to someone that's not only on the other side of the planet but from a country and culture very different to mine. I've obviously got my head on straight about it, as far as the "romantic" tone. But she was definitely nice and easy to talk to. We have similar interests. She's a genetic scientist that's athletic and into running and fitness, plays the piano, and is crazy good looking. From what she told me, the male/female dating dynamic over there is reversed from the traditional American dynamic. Women have to pursue, and even then have to convince guys to go out on a date. She shouldn't have to convince anyone to go out with her, trust me. My reply was, "Get your shit together Finland!"
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FINLAND FINLAND FINLAND :lol (Monty Python reference, sorry)
But seriously, a dynamic where the female does the pursuing is not exactly off to me but it is a bit different. It's not one that I would have a problem with if there weren't a BS stigma in place here in the US that a woman seems "desperate" if she pursues a gent she likes. I never understood that, especially since gents seem to appreciate being pursued too.
Anyway.. Deb herself is very happy with things right now. I'm not fond of long distances but.. this gent (the one I've been talking to since late August 2016) seems very worth the time so far. It's been so effortless for the both of us. While I'm being careful to not get hurt, it's like I really don't have to if that makes any sense. And YES.. we do like each other quite a lot. Daww. :heart
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But seriously, a dynamic where the female does the pursuing is not exactly off to me but it is a bit different. It's not one that I would have a problem with if there weren't a BS stigma in place here in the US that a woman seems "desperate" if she pursues a gent she likes. I never understood that, especially since gents seem to appreciate being pursued too.
I wouldnt mind being persued by woman.
One thats not batshit crazy.
ok. sorry. I'm druunk. Carry on
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From what she told me, the male/female dating dynamic over there is reversed from the traditional American dynamic. Women have to pursue, and even then have to convince guys to go out on a date. She shouldn't have to convince anyone to go out with her, trust me. My reply was, "Get your shit together Finland!"
As a Finnish male, I call BS on that. :P When I was on Tinder for a few weeks (as documented earlier on in this thread), I noticed that a lot of women said in their profiles that they expect men to message them first. Every time I got a match I did that, but never got a response. Some women have flirted with me IRL, but they've been so vague about their intentions that I haven't noticed until afterwards. Maybe this girl has just tried to hit on guys who were too clueless (like me :lol) and/or discouraged after being turned down multiple times. At least I've got the strong impression that most of the women over here are old-fashioned in the sense that they want to be pursued instead of doing the hard work themselves.
On a more positive note, I got to know an exchange student on a course last fall, and I'm going out with her in a few days. :)
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FINLAND FINLAND FINLAND :lol (Monty Python reference, sorry)
But seriously, a dynamic where the female does the pursuing is not exactly off to me but it is a bit different. It's not one that I would have a problem with if there weren't a BS stigma in place here in the US that a woman seems "desperate" if she pursues a gent she likes. I never understood that, especially since gents seem to appreciate being pursued too.
Anyway.. Deb herself is very happy with things right now. I'm not fond of long distances but.. this gent (the one I've been talking to since late August 2016) seems very worth the time so far. It's been so effortless for the both of us. While I'm being careful to not get hurt, it's like I really don't have to if that makes any sense. And YES.. we do like each other quite a lot. Daww. :heart
Maybe it's just me, but it's not the PURSUIT that makes a woman seem desperate. It's HOW it's pursued. Putting yourself out there isn't bad at all. I experienced this a lot after I got divorced; it was pleasant to see a confident secure woman express interest, and believe it or not, that actually happened once or twice. But it's also happened where the pursuit was more like a stalking-in-training, and it DID seem, well, desperate. It's not the "what", it's the "how".
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These dating websites really suck sometimes. It seems the only women who want to talk to me are only looking for a subscription to their cam shows. I'm just trying to connect with people in a way that minimizes my social anxiety and I can't seem to talk to people who are actually interested in me.
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These dating websites really suck sometimes. It seems the only women who want to talk to me are only looking for a subscription to their cam shows. I'm just trying to connect with people in a way that minimizes my social anxiety and I can't seem to talk to people who are actually interested in me.
Sounds like a bot, not an actual person. These dating sites have lots of those. Typically when someone reaches out to me first, it's this, a bot.
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That was me. It's fine if you don't wanna subscribe. But I do butt shows for like 1 coin though soooo..
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That was me. It's fine if you don't wanna subscribe. But I do butt shows for like 1 coin though soooo..
We talking 1 bitcoin?
Or maybe.....1 buttcoin?
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I mean for you it's free.
:police: :-*
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I'm making a growing list in my head of things that women put in their online profiles that annoy the hell out of me and need to stop. I am starting with two of them right now, feel free to add more. Not ones that only a few people do, but ones you see wayyyyyy too often.
1. Don't ask for your partner in crime. Don't. You're not looking for a partner in crime.
2. Don't describe yourself paradoxically. Telling me that you're simple yet complex, or an extroverted introvert tells me absolutely nothing about you at all.
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What if they really are looking for a partner in crime?
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What if they really are looking for a partner in crime?
Shut your whore mouth!
...or keep it open and I'll be right over.
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(https://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdjph9ToXI1qc882co4_250.gif)
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I'm making a growing list in my head of things that women put in their online profiles that annoy the hell out of me and need to stop. I am starting with two of them right now, feel free to add more. Not ones that only a few people do, but ones you see wayyyyyy too often.
1. Don't ask for your partner in crime. Don't. You're not looking for a partner in crime.
2. Don't describe yourself paradoxically. Telling me that you're simple yet complex, or an extroverted introvert tells me absolutely nothing about you at all.
"I'm new to online dating, but I was convinced to give it a shot." Followed at some point by, "Not interested in casual sex and one night stands. If that's what you're looking for, keep on looking."
Who the fuck are you to assume that you're just gonna be flooded with sexual invites. Oh yeah... you're a woman :lol. But for realsies, it just comes off as conceited.
Oh yeah, "I'm looking for someone who's values match mine." If you only want someone who follows Jesus, then just say it. But don't imply that my values/morals/ethics are somehow lesser because I'm not religious.
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I'm making a growing list in my head of things that women put in their online profiles that annoy the hell out of me and need to stop. I am starting with two of them right now, feel free to add more. Not ones that only a few people do, but ones you see wayyyyyy too often.
1. Don't ask for your partner in crime. Don't. You're not looking for a partner in crime.
2. Don't describe yourself paradoxically. Telling me that you're simple yet complex, or an extroverted introvert tells me absolutely nothing about you at all.
"I'm new to online dating, but I was convinced to give it a shot." Followed at some point by, "Not interested in casual sex and one night stands. If that's what you're looking for, keep on looking."
Who the fuck are you to assume that you're just gonna be flooded with sexual invites. Oh yeah... you're a woman :lol. But for realsies, it just comes off as conceited.
Oh yeah, "I'm looking for someone who's values match mine." If you only want someone who follows Jesus, then just say it. But don't imply that my values/morals/ethics are somehow lesser because I'm not religious.
Well, here's the thing: I need more than one hand to count the number of women I know - for a fact - that put "not looking for a one-night stand or casual sex" and yet were quite willing to engage in exactly that. Honestly, I sort of resigned myself to the fact that these profiles are a net, and like those massive fishing nets you see on TV, that have holes of a certain size, and it's just a way of weeding out the really undesirables from the desirables. I'm not at all suggesting every woman is a liar or just out for sex, but all of these things ultimately resolve down to a one-on-one thing. The odds of it turning out different from the profile is rather high (one that would be on my list had I still had a list is the "looking for an adult who can engage like an adult", from a woman who was more than willing to "ghost" someone when a better deal came along; another is the one that went on and on about how looks aren't important, and how they're looking for something "substantial"... but just as long as "substantial" is over six feet tall).
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I'm making a growing list in my head of things that women put in their online profiles that annoy the hell out of me and need to stop. I am starting with two of them right now, feel free to add more. Not ones that only a few people do, but ones you see wayyyyyy too often.
1. Don't ask for your partner in crime. Don't. You're not looking for a partner in crime.
2. Don't describe yourself paradoxically. Telling me that you're simple yet complex, or an extroverted introvert tells me absolutely nothing about you at all.
"I'm new to online dating, but I was convinced to give it a shot." Followed at some point by, "Not interested in casual sex and one night stands. If that's what you're looking for, keep on looking."
Who the fuck are you to assume that you're just gonna be flooded with sexual invites. Oh yeah... you're a woman :lol. But for realsies, it just comes off as conceited.
Oh yeah, "I'm looking for someone who's values match mine." If you only want someone who follows Jesus, then just say it. But don't imply that my values/morals/ethics are somehow lesser because I'm not religious.
Well, here's the thing: I need more than one hand to count the number of women I know - for a fact - that put "not looking for a one-night stand or casual sex" and yet were quite willing to engage in exactly that.
I can't tell you how many times I've gone to grocery store not looking for steak and by the night end up with some steak in me.
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I haven't had too much luck with dating lately. I was fine with giving up and taking a break for a while. However, a few days ago I started talking to this girl and we hit it off almost immediately. She's sweet, intelligent, beautiful, and just a fun person to talk to. We had plenty of flirty banter going back and forth and it was a definite that we would meet soon.
Tonight, I just happened to ask if she had ever met someone from a dating site before and she said yes. She told me about this guy she is currently seeing, but it's not really a relationship. ??? I asked her to explain it. She is on this website where men who don't want relationships will pay a woman for their company. Sex isn't involved. It's called mutually beneficial dating. Men get the company of a woman and get to take care of someone and she gets...an "allowance" was the term she used. I know she doesn't owe me anything and we haven't even met yet, but I was extremely disappointed discovering this. Firstly, I can't compete with that. She's obviously doing it for the money. Why else would she get involved with that sort of thing? Secondly, isn't that going to skew her perception of a regular relationship?
Am I overreacting with this? I feel like after the last two relationships I went through, dealing with something like this should send me in the other direction.
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I'm back here, things didn't work out with the girl I was seeing. Too might fighting and misunderstanding. However, I am not upset. We knew it was gonna be difficult and decided to give it a go anyway. And even though it didn't work out, I'm glad we at least tried.
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Am I overreacting with this? I feel like after the last two relationships I went through, dealing with something like this should send me in the other direction.
NO, run for your life. Even if it's the exact truth, it's still something you know she does. And all judgement aside (which is tough, cuz I really wanna judge these people), you don't really wanna try and have a serious relationship with someone like that. You'll always be wondering about the other side. My brother was dumb enough to actually date someone that did the same thing. Well, she claimed to do the same thing, but we both knew what was happening, and what she was being paid for. And she also said that she had stopped. Yeah, not so much. Why would a woman give up a situation where someone pays them to do nothing, or just a "lil' sumpin", just to date a guy in a traditional way? Don't take this personal, but I'd say you CAN'T win, and I'd follow that up with, why would you want to? I'm back here, things didn't work out with the girl I was seeing. Too might fighting and misunderstanding. However, I am not upset. We knew it was gonna be difficult and decided to give it a go anyway. And even though it didn't work out, I'm glad we at least tried.
Well, that's not so bad. It's a bummer that it didn't work out, but at least you tried. And you're not disillusioned about the outcome. When both people try, and it's clear to both of them that it's not working, then there's really nothing else you can do. No need to wonder what could have been. That potential had its chance, and this is how it went. Move on and don't worry about it.
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I haven't had too much luck with dating lately. I was fine with giving up and taking a break for a while. However, a few days ago I started talking to this girl and we hit it off almost immediately. She's sweet, intelligent, beautiful, and just a fun person to talk to. We had plenty of flirty banter going back and forth and it was a definite that we would meet soon.
Tonight, I just happened to ask if she had ever met someone from a dating site before and she said yes. She told me about this guy she is currently seeing, but it's not really a relationship. ??? I asked her to explain it. She is on this website where men who don't want relationships will pay a woman for their company. Sex isn't involved. It's called mutually beneficial dating. Men get the company of a woman and get to take care of someone and she gets...an "allowance" was the term she used. I know she doesn't owe me anything and we haven't even met yet, but I was extremely disappointed discovering this. Firstly, I can't compete with that. She's obviously doing it for the money. Why else would she get involved with that sort of thing? Secondly, isn't that going to skew her perception of a regular relationship?
Am I overreacting with this? I feel like after the last two relationships I went through, dealing with something like this should send me in the other direction.
Are these men unsullied? :lol Either way, I don't think you are overreacting. I'd find that really odd. I wouldn't get involved with someone who is doing that.
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I haven't had too much luck with dating lately. I was fine with giving up and taking a break for a while. However, a few days ago I started talking to this girl and we hit it off almost immediately. She's sweet, intelligent, beautiful, and just a fun person to talk to. We had plenty of flirty banter going back and forth and it was a definite that we would meet soon.
Tonight, I just happened to ask if she had ever met someone from a dating site before and she said yes. She told me about this guy she is currently seeing, but it's not really a relationship. ??? I asked her to explain it. She is on this website where men who don't want relationships will pay a woman for their company. Sex isn't involved. It's called mutually beneficial dating. Men get the company of a woman and get to take care of someone and she gets...an "allowance" was the term she used. I know she doesn't owe me anything and we haven't even met yet, but I was extremely disappointed discovering this. Firstly, I can't compete with that. She's obviously doing it for the money. Why else would she get involved with that sort of thing? Secondly, isn't that going to skew her perception of a regular relationship?
Am I overreacting with this? I feel like after the last two relationships I went through, dealing with something like this should send me in the other direction.
I'd actually talk to her about it. 1) I'd be curious. 2) Find out why she's doing it. I knew a girl in college that did this. I still keep in touch. Sweetest girl you could imagine. She brought down about $2K a week and who knows how many free outfits and handbags that she resold just by going out to eat with an lonely old rich dude a few nights a week. I remember her telling me about one guy who's wife and daughter were killed in a car accident and he had nothing left. He couldn't get himself to ever date/love again, but wanted the companionship a woman provided. Is that really that weird? Maybe, maybe not. I think it's subjective and every case is different. She stopped now that she's out of school, and she would repeatedly state that she never had sex with any of these guys. But to be honest, and maybe I'm coming off as odd or shitty here, but if a girl in this line of work was offered something like $10K to sleep with a guy, I wouldn't have any issues with it. Personally speaking, I'd think she'd be foolish not to all things considered.
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Am I overreacting with this? I feel like after the last two relationships I went through, dealing with something like this should send me in the other direction.
NO, run for your life. Even if it's the exact truth, it's still something you know she does. And all judgement aside (which is tough, cuz I really wanna judge these people), you don't really wanna try and have a serious relationship with someone like that. You'll always be wondering about the other side. My brother was dumb enough to actually date someone that did the same thing. Well, she claimed to do the same thing, but we both knew what was happening, and what she was being paid for. And she also said that she had stopped. Yeah, not so much. Why would a woman give up a situation where someone pays them to do nothing, or just a "lil' sumpin", just to date a guy in a traditional way? Don't take this personal, but I'd say you CAN'T win, and I'd follow that up with, why would you want to?
Are these men unsullied? :lol Either way, I don't think you are overreacting. I'd find that really odd. I wouldn't get involved with someone who is doing that.
That's why I am going to just not bother. I can't put myself into a dramatic situation knowing what it might bring.
I'd actually talk to her about it. 1) I'd be curious. 2) Find out why she's doing it. I knew a girl in college that did this. I still keep in touch. Sweetest girl you could imagine. She brought down about $2K a week and who knows how many free outfits and handbags that she resold just by going out to eat with an lonely old rich dude a few nights a week. I remember her telling me about one guy who's wife and daughter were killed in a car accident and he had nothing left. He couldn't get himself to ever date/love again, but wanted the companionship a woman provided. Is that really that weird? Maybe, maybe not. I think it's subjective and every case is different. She stopped now that she's out of school, and she would repeatedly state that she never had sex with any of these guys. But to be honest, and maybe I'm coming off as odd or shitty here, but if a girl in this line of work was offered something like $10K to sleep with a guy, I wouldn't have any issues with it. Personally speaking, I'd think she'd be foolish not to all things considered.
A girl can do whatever she wants. I don't need to get involved with that though. If I told you the things I've intentionally got myself into over the last twenty years you'd know that when I say I can't be bothered with drama anymore I genuinely mean it.
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My thing is, what she wants to do with her time is her business. If her "constitution" is such that she's okay with that, so be it. I knew a girl too that did that, but she DID admit to on occasion crossing the line. She was single, and it was within her moral code, so it was what it was. She was honest about it and upfront about it.
But it's also your prerogative to be with someone who comports with your moral code. I could be friends and non-judgmental about someone that did that, but I don't know that I could be in a serious relationship with someone who did that.
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Exactly. The girl is free to do what she wants and I am even fine with prostitution (I think it should be legal although I have no interest in it) but that doesn't mean I would want to date someone doing such things.
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I actually think that's kind of sweet. She's offering lonely people companionship. If she wasn't making money from it I would almost consider it charity work. With that said, if you decided to pursue a relationship with her you would have to make sure that 1) she absolutely isn't getting intimate with these guys and 2) she isn't trying to do this to you. I completely understand if you don't want to get involved with this but if you do, just be careful.
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My girlfriend and I are very open with discussions pertaining to sex and what sex means to us as individuals. We are both 100% faithful, though threesomes have come up as the topic of discussion many times. Anyway, I've jokingly-seriously told her on several occasions that if she ever had the opportunity to bank $10K for a few hours of work, and didn't have any issues doing it herself, I told her to go right ahead. Sex doesn't mean a lot to me. It's a really fun activity that I don't hold it to any kind of holy/moral/ethical standard. If my girlfriend was able to make another $40K plus a year by having sex with lonely dudes every now and again, I wouldn't have any arguments against her doing so. But that's just me. I know there aren't many people lining up behind me on this one :lol
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Yeah, but there's a real difference. If she had to do a few hours of work to bank $10k, then she would still have to do SOMETHING. These women, and they're all over the place (I saw an MTV true life about Sugar Babies, which is just the next step), do NOTHING. You can view it from the angle of it being a good deed... but that's what charity work is for. Make no mistake, they wouldn't be there without the money. I have NO PROBLEM with prostitution. I wouldn't date a hooker, but I have no moral opposition to either person's involvement in the transaction. It's like when we talk about the "typical modern male" in the dating world, and all the amazing things that are said through OKCupid messaging and Tinder, dick picks, ridiculous sexual offers, treating women like that night's sexual conquest. And then we acknowledge that those actions persist because, at some point, it works. And if you play the odds enough, it will work in your favor. This is the same. Like these camgirls that finger themselves in front of their computer and get paid while they do it. As long as dumb ass dudes pay for them for that shit, they will continue to do it. Same with these "companionship" women. While I don't have any moral objection, I just don't respect them for it. Ya know, like, fucking do something.
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My girlfriend and I are very open with discussions pertaining to sex and what sex means to us as individuals. We are both 100% faithful, though threesomes have come up as the topic of discussion many times. Anyway, I've jokingly-seriously told her on several occasions that if she ever had the opportunity to bank $10K for a few hours of work, and didn't have any issues doing it herself, I told her to go right ahead. Sex doesn't mean a lot to me. It's a really fun activity that I don't hold it to any kind of holy/moral/ethical standard. If my girlfriend was able to make another $40K plus a year by having sex with lonely dudes every now and again, I wouldn't have any arguments against her doing so. But that's just me. I know there aren't many people lining up behind me on this one :lol
This is a real head game for me. My ex cheated three times on me (I think maybe even a fourth) and I felt it the right thing to do at the time to stay. It wasn't that I couldn't leave - it actually would have been easy to leave; I traveled a lot for work, and even had an apartment in another city for a while - it's just that, like Chino, it didn't mean anything in that context. I knew what was going on, and the sex wasn't the big part of it. It wasn't some huge "betrayal". But with my current wife, it's different. Sex DOES mean something to her, so if she was to offer it freely (or for pay) to someone else, I think I would feel it a sort of betrayal. Like, why are you sharing that thing that means something to you with someone else? But on the other side of the coin, we've joked about her taking a second job as a stripper, and that I wouldn't have any issue with (because I know the dynamic).
Like I said, head game.
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Yeah, but there's a real difference. If she had to do a few hours of work to bank $10k, then she would still have to do SOMETHING. These women, and they're all over the place (I saw an MTV true life about Sugar Babies, which is just the next step), do NOTHING. You can view it from the angle of it being a good deed... but that's what charity work is for. Make no mistake, they wouldn't be there without the money. I have NO PROBLEM with prostitution. I wouldn't date a hooker, but I have no moral opposition to either person's involvement in the transaction. It's like when we talk about the "typical modern male" in the dating world, and all the amazing things that are said through OKCupid messaging and Tinder, dick picks, ridiculous sexual offers, treating women like that night's sexual conquest. And then we acknowledge that those actions persist because, at some point, it works. And if you play the odds enough, it will work in your favor. This is the same. Like these camgirls that finger themselves in front of their computer and get paid while they do it. As long as dumb ass dudes pay for them for that shit, they will continue to do it. Same with these "companionship" women. While I don't have any moral objection, I just don't respect them for it. Ya know, like, fucking do something.
I like to watch cam girls :biggrin:
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Yeah, but there's a real difference. If she had to do a few hours of work to bank $10k, then she would still have to do SOMETHING. These women, and they're all over the place (I saw an MTV true life about Sugar Babies, which is just the next step), do NOTHING. You can view it from the angle of it being a good deed... but that's what charity work is for. Make no mistake, they wouldn't be there without the money. I have NO PROBLEM with prostitution. I wouldn't date a hooker, but I have no moral opposition to either person's involvement in the transaction. It's like when we talk about the "typical modern male" in the dating world, and all the amazing things that are said through OKCupid messaging and Tinder, dick picks, ridiculous sexual offers, treating women like that night's sexual conquest. And then we acknowledge that those actions persist because, at some point, it works. And if you play the odds enough, it will work in your favor. This is the same. Like these camgirls that finger themselves in front of their computer and get paid while they do it. As long as dumb ass dudes pay for them for that shit, they will continue to do it. Same with these "companionship" women. While I don't have any moral objection, I just don't respect them for it. Ya know, like, fucking do something.
I like to watch cam girls :biggrin:
Do you call them "cram girls"?
Don't push me, I'm leaving... I'm leaving.
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close, Cram's cramming girls :biggrin:
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Yeah, but do you pay the Cram girls while they cram live?
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Yeah, but do you pay the Cram girls while they cram live?
Nah, there's plenty of other people who seem more than willing to pay.
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Yeah, but do you pay the Cram girls while they cram live?
Nah, there's plenty of other people who seem more than willing to pay.
Exactly. See, you just put a value on their contribution to society: :loser:
:hat
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We stopped talking. She hasn't messaged me since that last conversation so it's safe to say it's time to move on.
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(https://i.redditmedia.com/tZEZ511AxUiWm1u0JTsEx5c5mYgd0GCqoHYhXkiDDaY.jpg?w=576&s=ea48a465febc26e4a75fec802efef3bc)
:heart :heart :heart
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Hey everyone. Happy Valentine's Day/Singles Awareness Day. I thought I would feel much more lonely today but I actually feel ok right now. Since being single, I feel stronger than ever. Let this be a reminder to everyone here that being single isn't a bad thing. It just means that you haven't found anyone who's worth as much of your time and energy as yourself. Having someone is great, but being by yourself is great as well. There's strength in solidarity.
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This is the first Valentines day where I didn't feel sad and lonely. Instead, I feel fantastic. Getting out of a long term relationship that brought nothing but pain and misery will do that for ya.
I LOVE being single. No bullshit, No mindgames, No daily fights over nothing. Just peace in my life.
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Honestly I keep forgetting it's valentine's day. Working two jobs (basically) and being in full time doctoral program with like 5 papers to write tends to make things like being single on valentine's day not important.
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Honestly I keep forgetting it's valentine's day. Working two jobs (basically) and being in full time doctoral program with like 5 papers to write tends to make things like being single on valentine's day not important.
Which subject is the doctoral program?
Just curious since I am living the same life, finishing up the final 12 weeks of a doctorate degree in pharmacy plus trying to work a regular job to pay the bills
There's barely time to breath, let alone think about valentines day. So I understand what you are saying completely
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I made things official with 23yo (well now 24yo) last weekend. I hadn't been interested in anyone else in a long time and we had been dating for many many months now, it felt right. I told her I am still a bit scared about moving forward just because of how I felt so turned off from marriage and relationships from my ex and she understands, but we got something good going so I need to leave the past in the past.
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Way to go Cram! It's good to see someone willing to move past the PAST, and not let that be the deciding factor in your present/future. So this is the same 23 yo? She's been around for a while!
I almost popped in here last night to say I Got Some! Woot Woot! I had like THE shittiest day I've had in a long while, coming off a pretty devastating week. I went out with her on Thursday and she invited me back to her place to smoke. I just overthought things and didn't feel a real signal to move on. Then she invites me over again. I said fuck it and went over to hangout. But, it's the first woman I've been with that I wasn't at least "dating" regularly. It feels weird, not sure if it's really my style to continue to see someone just for sex. Even though she's super sweet, I DO NOT wanna date her (and probably shouldn't date anyone).
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I went out on my first date since the breakup yesterday. It was nice and we talked for six hours. It felt a little weird because a part of me still misses my ex but I know I won't move on just sitting in my room by myself and this girl is super sweet. I look foward to seeing her again.
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For the first time in way too long, I actually have a crush on someone.
Unfortunately that someone is a co-worker.
More unfortunately that person will be leaving the state around July or something.
Hung out with her yesterday for a bit and had a great time but I'll have to keep it all in check.
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For the first time in way too long, I actually have a crush on someone.
Unfortunately that someone is a co-worker.
More unfortunately that person will be leaving the state around July or something.
Hung out with her yesterday for a bit and had a great time but I'll have to keep it all in check.
Damn. I thought it was me.
Carry on.
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What we have is so much more that calling it a crush would be an insult.
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I also have a crush on a girl from work. She was born in Eastern Europe and came here in her mid 20's and she's about 2 years behind me in pharmacy school. What's refreshing about her than most girls I've met, is that she's very humble, kind and pleasant. She never complains about anything which is hot. My ex would never stop complaining and that's part of what drove us apart. But back to this other girl. Also, her body is a work of art. I didn't ask, but I suspect she was a Russian gymnast or something. so very hot.
I learned a long time ago (from a very bad experience) to never get involved with someone at work, so I just keep things with her as friendly and nothing more.
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At my old job, 3 of the guys married European girls. I asked one who I'm friends with still why all the guys married European girls because my wife asked.
I got home and gave her the answer. He said, "They taste better." My wife spit out her drink all over the carpet. :lol
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The last girl I hooked up with was Russian, and yes your friends were very right.
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:lol
The shock on my wife's face was priceless.
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hmmmm
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I don't know if it's me (because my lineage is largely from that area) but I find Russian women very attractive. I dated a girl that was half-Russian (by her mom; they both spoke the language) but she was half-Italian, so it wasn't quite the same.
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There are four or five potentials right now. One of the girls started talking to me and then deleted her account on OK Cupid. She will probably be the first to go.
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Im not really that active on this forum anymore, but I just need to get something out.
So..
I've been dating this girl for 3-4 months now, and she is fantastic in so many ways. We share many interests, and we get along really well. When we first started dating I fell in love with her pretty quickly, and she fell in love with me as well.
The problem is..three years ago my ex-wife cheated on me. We broke up a couple of months later, and since then I've been single. I've been on a couple of dates since then, but every time it starts to get somewhat serious, I back out. Im really scared that my next relationship will end up the same way. Im not necessarily scared that this girl will cheat on me in the future, but Im scared that things will end up badly in some way or another. I know that these feelings arent rational, but it's starting to happen again. The strong feelings I have for this girl is starting to evolve into panic, and I feel a desperate need to back out of this as well. I've been open to her about it, but now it's starting to get really bad. Everything have been really awesome between us, but I just can't help it.
Have anybody else experienced this? It's driving me insane!
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That's a normal emotion. You were betrayed. The best I can say if you'll never find joy again if you don't take a leap of faith. It will be hard but you've got to trust her going forward. Don't hide your feelings. If she senses you're off she'll equate it to something else. Be honest and up front about what happened in the past and ask her to take each step forward with you.
Let her feel involved, it will bring you two closer.
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The best I can say if you'll never find joy again if you don't take a leap of faith.
That's the best advice.
I always tend to overthink things, and when I made the two biggest decisions of my life (to get engaged, and to have a child) I just had this overwhelming feeling that I had to jump in with both feet and stop thinking about it so much. As scary as it was, I proved to myself that I had nothing to worry about in either instance and any concerns or problems worked themselves out in time.
Just enjoy having someone you care about and stop worrying about the what-if's. If it doesn't subside, I'd recommend finding a counselor or therapist where you can just unload all of those feelings and let it out to a third party, who may be able to give you advice. Counseling may be covered by your health insurance as well.
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Im not really that active on this forum anymore, but I just need to get something out.
So..
I've been dating this girl for 3-4 months now, and she is fantastic in so many ways. We share many interests, and we get along really well. When we first started dating I fell in love with her pretty quickly, and she fell in love with me as well.
The problem is..three years ago my ex-wife cheated on me. We broke up a couple of months later, and since then I've been single. I've been on a couple of dates since then, but every time it starts to get somewhat serious, I back out. Im really scared that my next relationship will end up the same way. Im not necessarily scared that this girl will cheat on me in the future, but Im scared that things will end up badly in some way or another. I know that these feelings arent rational, but it's starting to happen again. The strong feelings I have for this girl is starting to evolve into panic, and I feel a desperate need to back out of this as well. I've been open to her about it, but now it's starting to get really bad. Everything have been really awesome between us, but I just can't help it.
Have anybody else experienced this? It's driving me insane!
Have we experienced it? I was divorced four years ago from a woman who cheated on me three times (she married the last one, so, um, lucky her?), and since then met the most beautiful, caring, kind woman ever, and we're now married. Our only issue? When I get flashbacks to the things that the ex used to do. Hide texts. Talk about how "she really only has male friends; women are sooo catty!". And we talk about it. And I see a therapist regularly.
Whether you can tough it out on your own or not, whether you can take the leap yourself or not, is all up to you. But I will say this: if you want change, if you want something to BE different, you have to DO something different. I'm not saying it's your fault that ex cheated, but I am saying, your feelings aren't going to miraculously go away one morning and all will be perfect. If you've got a good one - though in my estimation, three months is not long enough to know that - do what you have to do to keep her.
Short of locking her in the basement. That's not where I was going with this. Not at all.
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It sucks to live in the past, for whatever reason. I think the only thing I can say is an opinion, but DO NOT let what someone else did change the way you feel about this person. It's up to you to decide if she's different or not. Two things: Imagine it turned around, and her not giving you a chance because she's afraid to get burned. It sucks to be on that side of things, thinking that there could be something special if only he/she could see that you're not the same person that burned them before. And then there's the "what if" feelings. Are you prepared to reach a point in the future where you'll question what could have been? And the opportunity has passed. Most people don't get second chances when it comes to that stuff.
If it doesn't subside, I'd recommend finding a counselor or therapist where you can just unload all of those feelings and let it out to a third party, who may be able to give you advice. Counseling may be covered by your health insurance as well.
Fuck that, save your money! Just read through the last 86 pages and that will be all the therapy you need! And that's only a half-joke (if you have real issues, a mental health professional is a good start), because you'll find all sorts of insecurities and questions that persist in OUR heads. And that OUR is pretty damn collective. I think you'll find that a decently large cross-section of inter-personal relationship issues exists right here. Just read, and I can almost guarantee you'll find some perspective, and maybe some clarity.
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Im not really that active on this forum anymore, but I just need to get something out.
So..
I've been dating this girl for 3-4 months now, and she is fantastic in so many ways. We share many interests, and we get along really well. When we first started dating I fell in love with her pretty quickly, and she fell in love with me as well.
The problem is..three years ago my ex-wife cheated on me. We broke up a couple of months later, and since then I've been single. I've been on a couple of dates since then, but every time it starts to get somewhat serious, I back out. Im really scared that my next relationship will end up the same way. Im not necessarily scared that this girl will cheat on me in the future, but Im scared that things will end up badly in some way or another. I know that these feelings arent rational, but it's starting to happen again. The strong feelings I have for this girl is starting to evolve into panic, and I feel a desperate need to back out of this as well. I've been open to her about it, but now it's starting to get really bad. Everything have been really awesome between us, but I just can't help it.
Have anybody else experienced this? It's driving me insane!
You can't live in the past or be scared of the future. Just enjoy the present. If you're having a good time with this girl, then be happy. Life is too short to not take a leap of faith from time to time.
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It has been a while but I have two girls that I'm speaking to at the moment. They're both exactly the kind I would want to be with. I am not going to settle for anything less, even if it takes longer, so I'm being exceedingly picky. One lives in Queens and the other in Eatontown, NJ. One of them is very spiritual and into yoga, Reiki, Paganism, and the like. She tried ayahuasca during her travels last year. The other girl is quirky but intelligent. She has three kids and is a fire-kissed goddess.
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the other in Eatontown, NJ.
TURN BACK NOW!
For the first time in way too long, I actually have a crush on someone.
Unfortunately that someone is a co-worker.
More unfortunately that person will be leaving the state around July or something.
Hung out with her yesterday for a bit and had a great time but I'll have to keep it all in check.
So Thursday night I invited her over to study and crash and my place so we could carpool to work. I was pretty nervous but eventually made my move.
Success! We're taking things slowly, especially since we're both busy, but now we're talking every day, and making/cuddling when we see each other. Going to try to pick things up soon. Yay.
Only sad part is she's moving to Arizona at the end of June. :(
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Moving? That sucks. You might have to accelerate the charm and get her to stay.
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Moving? That sucks. You might have to accelerate the charm and get her to stay.
Well it's an internship necessary for our school so she's going. However it's only a year and we both want to end up in New York. I'd be cool with long distance since it's doable between LA and Arizona. Just not sure if she'd be down. We'll see.
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For how long is it?
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For how long is it?
Just a year. Unless she falls in love with Tucson and decides to stay.
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There's always that. I suppose it's too soon to make any drastic career changes for a woman.
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Oh I don't plan on it. We both go to the same school, but she's a year ahead of me (though younger) and in a PhD program while I'm in the PsyD.
So her next academic year will be spent in internship, while I'm still stuck in LA for that year. Then when she's done with internship, I start mine. Ideally, at that point, I'd get an internship in NY and she'd move there anyway since she's a New Yorker and wants to go back.
I'm going to do what I need to do, it would just be nice if that could involve her.
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See what happens. Maybe she'll be on-board for making the long distance thing work.
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Oh I don't plan on it. We both go to the same school, but she's a year ahead of me (though younger) and in a PhD program while I'm in the PsyD.
So her next academic year will be spent in internship, while I'm still stuck in LA for that year. Then when she's done with internship, I start mine. Ideally, at that point, I'd get an internship in NY and she'd move there anyway since she's a New Yorker and wants to go back.
I'm going to do what I need to do, it would just be nice if that could involve her.
Man plans, and God laughs. If it's worth figuring out, you'll figure it out. Ride the wave and make no decisions until you have to. That's my advice.
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Oh I don't plan on it. We both go to the same school, but she's a year ahead of me (though younger) and in a PhD program while I'm in the PsyD.
So her next academic year will be spent in internship, while I'm still stuck in LA for that year. Then when she's done with internship, I start mine. Ideally, at that point, I'd get an internship in NY and she'd move there anyway since she's a New Yorker and wants to go back.
I'm going to do what I need to do, it would just be nice if that could involve her.
Man plans, and God laughs. If it's worth figuring out, you'll figure it out. Ride the wave and make no decisions until you have to. That's my advice.
....why is Hef laughing at me? :'(
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Hey, uh, I don't who to ask in PM, but... is Jackie ok? Haven't seen her around.
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Hey, uh, I don't who to ask in PM, but... is Jackie ok? Haven't seen her around.
She's cool. Just not posting here as much. I'll let her know you were worried.
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So the good news: She's coming over tonight after class, have planned a sushi dinner out, then a movie at my place with some wine (for her) that I bought, before I just go nuts. She's staying the night and we got tomorrow together too.
Bad news: Hit both of my legs really hard yesterday on my car door and now anything that involves moving my legs is really painful.
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Bad news: Hit both of my legs really hard yesterday on my car door and now anything that involves moving my legs is really painful.
I just recently found out that I tore the labrum in my right hip. Well, I hooked up with this chick a few weeks ago, and my hips were a little sore afterwards. I woke up the next day and couldn't walk right for 3 days :rollin. Proceed at your own risk lol.
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:lol
And awesome Adami, sounds like a nice romantic evening :corn
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:lol
And awesome Adami, sounds like a nice romantic evening :corn
It's a good thing I'm a straight male, because god damn my knees would go out quickly right now.
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Bad news: Hit both of my legs really hard yesterday on my car door and now anything that involves moving my legs is really painful.
I just recently found out that I tore the labrum in my right hip. Well, I hooked up with this chick a few weeks ago, and my hips were a little sore afterwards. I woke up the next day and couldn't walk right for 3 days :rollin. Proceed at your own risk lol.
So the good news: She's coming over tonight after class, have planned a sushi dinner out, then a movie at my place with some wine (for her) that I bought, before I just go nuts. She's staying the night and we got tomorrow together too.
Bad news: Hit both of my legs really hard yesterday on my car door and now anything that involves moving my legs is really painful.
I'm no Doctor Ruth, but I saw in a movie once where the guy was lying on his back and basically wasn't moving a whole lot (except for the parts that mattered). Just a tip in case you old men have another crack at the apple and you're still in physical therapy.
:)
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It has been a while but I have two girls that I'm speaking to at the moment. They're both exactly the kind I would want to be with. I am not going to settle for anything less, even if it takes longer, so I'm being exceedingly picky. One lives in Queens and the other in Eatontown, NJ. One of them is very spiritual and into yoga, Reiki, Paganism, and the like. She tried ayahuasca during her travels last year. The other girl is quirky but intelligent. She has three kids and is a fire-kissed goddess.
And just like that they're both out of the picture.
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So my relationship is getting better.. at least at the moment we are on a high.
Its funny.. so remember that chick I met at my office job, whom I got kinda close to, who had a hint of crazy about her?
Well I guess she became... obsessed with me. She actually came by 2x since I came back to my security job and walked with me and chit chatted... But it became obvious what her motives were. I made it very clear that my relationship wasn't going anywhere and I've been working on it, but she didn't want just a friendship. She basically gave me an ultimatum back in Jan to dump my gf or she wouldn't talk to me.
So what did I do?
I politely told her to go fuck herself.
She made it seem like talking to her, as platonic as it was, was cheating.
A month later, she starts texting me... and sending me screencaps of all the stupid messages dudes send her on whatever dating website she's on. She can't stand people who talk like they're gangsta, and would fuck with them (grammar nazi type shit). I made a comment on how I was on a dating site a few years ago (when my relationship was... basically not a thing for a while).. and had never done anything with it after creating it. She called me a disgusting cheater, and stopped talking to me.
Whatever. Fuck her.
2 weeks ago, she sends me a message on Snapchat. Calling me a dirty liar. I guess she had looked up that old dormant dating profile (which literally hadn't been touched in years). She caught me off guard, so I asked what she meant. No Answer. So I blocked her. I hope that's the last I hear from her.
The shitty thing though, is the fact that 2 of my close friends work in the same building as she does, which is right down the street from my house. I've been wanting to go meet up with them for lunch... but I KNOW I will run into her.
I don't want nor need that drama anymore. lol
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Anyone familiar with Corey Wayne? I've been reading his book "How to be a 3% man" on Audible, as well as watching his youtube videos. His stuff has really helped me understand women, understanding what they want in a man, and understanding how to treat them. I've been applying his advice to a tee in my latest relationship with a girl and damn, this is the best relationship I've ever been in. I highly recommend checking out Corey Wayne's stuff if you struggle in this area.
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I like corey wayne's stuff. He presents a lot of great points, and I had him like on 24/7 repeat after my last (extremely painful) break up. A friend of mine told me to watch some MGTOW videos, so I might check that out as well.
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Anyone familiar with Corey Wayne? I've been reading his book "How to be a 3% man" on Audible, as well as watching his youtube videos. His stuff has really helped me understand women, understanding what they want in a man, and understanding how to treat them. I've been applying his advice to a tee in my latest relationship with a girl and damn, this is the best relationship I've ever been in. I highly recommend checking out Corey Wayne's stuff if you struggle in this area.
These guys are pretty much snake oil salesmen, but what's worse is the mentality revealed by the comments on the videos. Lots of resentment and open wounds on full display.
You don't need a book about how to "be more alpha" to get a girlfriend. Unfortunately I think a lot of these types of books are targeted to a very insecure demographic of men who are almost scared of women and treat them like paintings, or an ivory box.
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women and treat them like paintings, or an ivory box.
"But I love you"
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Books on how to understand women...I feel like I'm in the middle of a bad HBO sitcom plot. :lol
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Anyone familiar with Corey Wayne? I've been reading his book "How to be a 3% man" on Audible, as well as watching his youtube videos. His stuff has really helped me understand women, understanding what they want in a man, and understanding how to treat them. I've been applying his advice to a tee in my latest relationship with a girl and damn, this is the best relationship I've ever been in. I highly recommend checking out Corey Wayne's stuff if you struggle in this area.
These guys are pretty much snake oil salesmen, but what's worse is the mentality revealed by the comments on the videos. Lots of resentment and open wounds on full display.
You don't need a book about how to "be more alpha" to get a girlfriend. Unfortunately I think a lot of these types of books are targeted to a very insecure demographic of men who are almost scared of women and treat them like paintings, or an ivory box.
I don't know Corey Wayne from a bag of potato chips, but there's nothing worse than that stereotypical guy who thinks all women are predatory whores who get their kicks trampling emotionally sensitive men's hearts for sport, all because they fixated on ONE woman - out of the 3.5 BILLION that live on the planet, and they didn't return the affection when he gave her a locket and a mix tape (likely of Opeth or something similarly romantic) back in 10th grade.
Look, women are not a different species, and they're not from another planet. Just like not everyone likes every band, or every food, or every pair of pants, so people don't like everyone. That ONE GIRL - or even two or three - rejected you, doesn't mean anything other than that wasn't the person for you. Move on. As someone smarter than me once said, "there's a seat for every ass".
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Look, women are not a different species, and they're not from another planet.
I learn something new every day :biggrin:
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Anyone familiar with Corey Wayne? I've been reading his book "How to be a 3% man" on Audible, as well as watching his youtube videos. His stuff has really helped me understand women, understanding what they want in a man, and understanding how to treat them. I've been applying his advice to a tee in my latest relationship with a girl and damn, this is the best relationship I've ever been in. I highly recommend checking out Corey Wayne's stuff if you struggle in this area.
These guys are pretty much snake oil salesmen, but what's worse is the mentality revealed by the comments on the videos. Lots of resentment and open wounds on full display.
You don't need a book about how to "be more alpha" to get a girlfriend. Unfortunately I think a lot of these types of books are targeted to a very insecure demographic of men who are almost scared of women and treat them like paintings, or an ivory box.
I don't know Corey Wayne from a bag of potato chips, but there's nothing worse than that stereotypical guy who thinks all women are predatory whores who get their kicks trampling emotionally sensitive men's hearts for sport, all because they fixated on ONE woman - out of the 3.5 BILLION that live on the planet, and they didn't return the affection when he gave her a locket and a mix tape (likely of Opeth or something similarly romantic) back in 10th grade.
Look, women are not a different species, and they're not from another planet. Just like not everyone likes every band, or every food, or every pair of pants, so people don't like everyone. That ONE GIRL - or even two or three - rejected you, doesn't mean anything other than that wasn't the person for you. Move on. As someone smarter than me once said, "there's a seat for every ass".
My old roommate used to say something like "Even if only one out of a hundred girls will hook up with you, all you have to do is talk to two hundred girls at a club and you're going home to a threesome".
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Your old roommate should write fortune cookies.
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I don't know Corey Wayne from a bag of potato chips, but there's nothing worse than that stereotypical guy who thinks all women are predatory whores who get their kicks trampling emotionally sensitive men's hearts for sport, all because they fixated on ONE woman - out of the 3.5 BILLION that live on the planet, and they didn't return the affection when he gave her a locket and a mix tape (likely of Opeth or something similarly romantic) back in 10th grade.
Look, women are not a different species, and they're not from another planet. Just like not everyone likes every band, or every food, or every pair of pants, so people don't like everyone. That ONE GIRL - or even two or three - rejected you, doesn't mean anything other than that wasn't the person for you. Move on. As someone smarter than me once said, "there's a seat for every ass".
That's why I don't get authors like the one H mentioned. On one hand, they insist that guys need to be more confident, communicate clearly with women, listen better, etc., - all great stuff. On the other hand, they treat every interaction with a women like a chess game you need a strategic playbook for. Seems like one hand "be more confidant around women" and the other hand "there are SO MANY THINGS YOU COULD DO WRONG when talking to a women" are in direct conflict, but I guess that's when you need to buy the dude's special one-on-one coaching sessions :lol
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Authentic genuine contact.
Literally just be yourself.
If she doesn't like the authentic you, then move on. Such is life. If you feel the need to reshape your identity and actions for the purpose of getting a girl, you're doing it wrong.
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I don't know Corey Wayne from a bag of potato chips, but there's nothing worse than that stereotypical guy who thinks all women are predatory whores who get their kicks trampling emotionally sensitive men's hearts for sport, all because they fixated on ONE woman - out of the 3.5 BILLION that live on the planet, and they didn't return the affection when he gave her a locket and a mix tape (likely of Opeth or something similarly romantic) back in 10th grade.
Look, women are not a different species, and they're not from another planet. Just like not everyone likes every band, or every food, or every pair of pants, so people don't like everyone. That ONE GIRL - or even two or three - rejected you, doesn't mean anything other than that wasn't the person for you. Move on. As someone smarter than me once said, "there's a seat for every ass".
That's why I don't get authors like the one H mentioned. On one hand, they insist that guys need to be more confident, communicate clearly with women, listen better, etc., - all great stuff. On the other hand, they treat every interaction with a women like a chess game you need a strategic playbook for. Seems like one hand "be more confidant around women" and the other hand "there are SO MANY THINGS YOU COULD DO WRONG when talking to a women" are in direct conflict, but I guess that's when you need to buy the dude's special one-on-one coaching sessions :lol
These are inaccurate caricatures of what Corey Wayne teaches. He simply tells you how to become a man that is successful with women by understanding what they want in a man. He does not objectify women, disrespect them, or demean them at all. He resolutely believes that relationships are about what you give and not what you get. It is true that butthurt, resentful people gravitate toward his work, but that does mean that his own work is butthurt or resentful. I am working through his book for a third time and would recommend it to anyone. The principles he teaches are simple and uncomplicated, and anyone that understands them probably doesn't need his personal coaching.
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I don't know Corey Wayne from a bag of potato chips, but there's nothing worse than that stereotypical guy who thinks all women are predatory whores who get their kicks trampling emotionally sensitive men's hearts for sport, all because they fixated on ONE woman - out of the 3.5 BILLION that live on the planet, and they didn't return the affection when he gave her a locket and a mix tape (likely of Opeth or something similarly romantic) back in 10th grade.
Look, women are not a different species, and they're not from another planet. Just like not everyone likes every band, or every food, or every pair of pants, so people don't like everyone. That ONE GIRL - or even two or three - rejected you, doesn't mean anything other than that wasn't the person for you. Move on. As someone smarter than me once said, "there's a seat for every ass".
That's why I don't get authors like the one H mentioned. On one hand, they insist that guys need to be more confident, communicate clearly with women, listen better, etc., - all great stuff. On the other hand, they treat every interaction with a women like a chess game you need a strategic playbook for. Seems like one hand "be more confidant around women" and the other hand "there are SO MANY THINGS YOU COULD DO WRONG when talking to a women" are in direct conflict, but I guess that's when you need to buy the dude's special one-on-one coaching sessions :lol
These are inaccurate caricatures of what Corey Wayne teaches. He simply tells you how to become a man that is successful with women by understanding what they want in a man. He does not objectify women, disrespect them, or demean them at all. He resolutely believes that relationships are about what you give and not what you get. It is true that butthurt, resentful people gravitate toward his work, but that does mean that his own work is butthurt or resentful. I am working through his book for a third time and would recommend it to anyone. The principles he teaches are simple and uncomplicated, and anyone that understands them probably doesn't need his personal coaching.
But - and I didn't always think this way, to my long-term regret - I don't want to be someone that women like. I want to be me, and find a woman that likes me. Or sisters. :)
For me, the revelation happened in the latter stages of my failing marriage. I spent a lot of time alone (meaning not with her) interacting with others, but KNOWING I wasn't going to "get laid". I would just talk to people, men and women. It didn't take long before I realized that a) there is always someone else to talk to, and b) if you didn't put the weight of the world on every single word, you'd be fine. Even when the conversation went horribly awry, the reactions mattered. She wasn't a "bitch" or "lesbian" or "c***", she was just a woman that wasn't in to me. And it was amazing how many times not reacting to that kind of drama actually had the opposite effect.
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But - and I didn't always think this way, to my long-term regret - I don't want to be someone that women like. I want to be me, and find a woman that likes me. Or sisters. :)
Would you settle for a charming bald Jew?
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But - and I didn't always think this way, to my long-term regret - I don't want to be someone that women like. I want to be me, and find a woman that likes me. Or sisters. :)
Would you settle for a charming bald Jew?
Before I remarried, anything was on the table. :)
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Stadler, I don't think Wayne would teach you to not be yourself. Just to express yourself differently.
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(https://memeguy.com/photos/images/women-are-so-hard-to-read-258262.jpg)
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:lol :lol :lol
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(https://memeguy.com/photos/images/women-are-so-hard-to-read-258262.jpg)
:rollin :rollin :rollin
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For all DTFers who like those kind of pics, there's a Facebook group called "Classical Art Memes" that posts gold day in and day out.
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I have a date tomorrow. It certainly has been a while. I've known the girl for a long time, but she always had a boyfriend. I haven't seen her in over ten years, except for photos, and she still looks stunning. We have very little in common but we always had a great time together when we hung out and that's what matters to me. The only crux is that we're both exceedingly stubborn people. Between her Russian background and my Sicilian, we've both admitted we feel bad for the person we wind up with. This should be interesting. At least the makeup sex will be intense. ;)
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My friend's ex girlfriend was trying to set me up with this gorgeous babe. She seemed interested in me based on a description of me but then she saw my picture and asked my friend's ex girlfriend "Did he used to date a girl named Summer? He looks familiar."
I got cock-blocked by my ex. >:(
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Things are going insanely well with that coworker. We're really into each other.
That said, she's still moving to Arizona right when I get back from Israel, which I leave in 3 weeks. She doesn't want to commit to anything under those conditions.
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I started talking to this girl, Jennifer. She's someone who loves to write and I find that exceedingly appealing. She told me she loves my profile so we exchanged messages back and forth on Friday and Saturday. She has three kids and our daughters share the same name. Here is where my paranoia sets in. She hasn't responded since Saturday and I saw that she has been logged in so now I'm worried that I said something wrong. I'm sure she gets a shitload of messages. She's extremely beautiful so I'm sure that sometimes she gets inundated and just doesn't feel like dealing with it. So, my question is this. How long do I wait before sending another message. There's the off-chance that she didn't get my last message, she accidentally deleted it when deleting others, or she doesn't want to seem too anxious. The last thing I asked her was if she was up for it, would she like to talk on the phone. I would think if she wasn't ready for that she would just respond and say that. She seems sincere so I wouldn't expect her to just blatantly ignore me. Considering how much she said she liked my profile and that I'm a writer, too, I don't think she would just toss me aside because I asked if she was up for talking on the phone.
So..how many days do I wait before sending a second message?
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6-7.
Chillax brah.
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A week? Don't I run the risk of her thinking I have no interest in her at all?
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I'm sure sexy women don't worry about guys losing interest.
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Okay, then what if someone else makes the next move before I do?
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Okay, then what if someone else makes the next move before I do?
If?
Adami already has. I can't believe you didn't see this coming.
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Then I hope he gets used to using a colostomy bag for the rest of his life.
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Then I hope he gets used to using a colostomy bag for the rest of his life.
All your women are belong to me.
I'm guessing about 400 people made the next move in the time it took you to ask the question. If she goes for one of those losers, why would you even want her?
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I bet you're right. She probably has to go through plenty of emails every day but I want to get to her before she sees one she likes better than mine. But I also don't want to seem overbearing. I figured I would wait a couple of more days. At that point if she isn't responding she probably found interest elsewhere and sending another message wouldn't change much, no?
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A few days is good, just realize that even if she forgot about you, it's not personal. If you're cool, she'll remember you soon enough.
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I'm probably one of the few men that didn't run when they found out she has three kids.
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I'm so impatient. I messaged her.
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We exchanged numbers. We've been texting back and forth since yesterday. We're trying to squeeze in a phone call later on.
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I started talking to this girl, Jennifer. She's someone who loves to write and I find that exceedingly appealing. She told me she loves my profile so we exchanged messages back and forth on Friday and Saturday. She has three kids and our daughters share the same name. Here is where my paranoia sets in. She hasn't responded since Saturday and I saw that she has been logged in so now I'm worried that I said something wrong. I'm sure she gets a shitload of messages. She's extremely beautiful so I'm sure that sometimes she gets inundated and just doesn't feel like dealing with it. So, my question is this. How long do I wait before sending another message. There's the off-chance that she didn't get my last message, she accidentally deleted it when deleting others, or she doesn't want to seem too anxious. The last thing I asked her was if she was up for it, would she like to talk on the phone. I would think if she wasn't ready for that she would just respond and say that. She seems sincere so I wouldn't expect her to just blatantly ignore me. Considering how much she said she liked my profile and that I'm a writer, too, I don't think she would just toss me aside because I asked if she was up for talking on the phone.
So..how many days do I wait before sending a second message?
Did someone hack into Prog Snob's account? :)
This doesn't seem like you. This isn't brain surgery; this isn't making sure astronauts make it back from space alive. This isn't a three minute, John Petrucci/Jordan Rudess harmony sequence at 160 beats per minute.
Maybe I'm too cavalier about this (though my wife, ex-wife, daughter, STEP daughter, and at least two therapists have all accused me of "over thinking things" at various times), but if you feel like sending a message, send a message. If ONE TEXT is enough to break this, you didn't have anything worthwhile anyway.
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I normally know how to handle these things but I was thinking about taking a different direction. I wound up taking my own advice anyway and it worked out. I'm glad I didn't listen to them. :lol
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I find phone conversations with strangers incredibly awkward. I always go straight front text to in person.
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Same here. I'm not entirely against it, but most of the time I can say for certain that there would have been a high likelihood of awkwardness. Of course, if you feel a real connection and communication comes easy, then it could be worthwhile. I've had one phone conversation before a first date and it should have been an eye opener. Not surprisingly the date went exactly as I thought it would, and we never saw each other again.
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I'm not against going from texting to meeting, but I'd rather actually talk to someone. You can't get to know someone over text messaging. You can't sense chemistry from that. There's no conversational flow. You're usually doing other things the same time you're texting. At least with a phone conversation you know they are basically just talking to you. You know how they mean things. You can say much more than you can over a text. If you can talk to someone for an hour on the phone with it seeming like five minutes passed then you know you have something. If there's constant silence then there's obviously trouble. Not knowing someone should produce lots to discuss.
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I'm not against going from texting to meeting, but I'd rather actually talk to someone. You can't get to know someone over text messaging. You can't sense chemistry from that. There's no conversational flow. You're usually doing other things the same time you're texting. At least with a phone conversation you know they are basically just talking to you. You know how they mean things. You can say much more than you can over a text. If you can talk to someone for an hour on the phone with it seeming like five minutes passed then you know you have something. If there's constant silence then there's obviously trouble. Not knowing someone should produce lots to discuss.
I think that makes sense. From my experiences, it was the older ladies that liked to have a phone conversation first. I personally am fine with the texting and I can figure out the rest in the first meet up, but I understand when someone wants a phone conversation first.
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The girl I'm talking to isn't a fan of the endless back and forth messages without having a real conversation. We were going to talk last night but she fell asleep as she was putting her kids to bed. Totally understandable.
Since I'm a detective when it comes to finding people on the Intrawebzz, I already found her Facebook page. She is a mutual friend with someone I know so I'm curious about that. Obviously I'm not going to tell her I tracked down her Facebook page. :lol I'll have to play this one smoother.
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The girl I'm talking to isn't a fan of the endless back and forth messages without having a real conversation. We were going to talk last night but she fell asleep as she was putting her kids to bed. Totally understandable.
That's what I would use as my reasoning to meet someone quickly. Even more real is face to face in person conversation.
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We might just wind up meeting for coffee or something if getting a phone call in seems arduous which, like you said, would be even better. She lives one town over from me which is even better.
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Well that didn't last long. ::)
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Random thoughts about my romantic endeavors: Sitting here a little buzzed, I'm just thinking about how shitty it is to have social anxiety when you want to meet new people (mainly for romantic reasons). I have no idea how to talk to people and I drive girls away before I can show how nice, down to earth, and real I am. If women could just get past the initial awkwardness that comes with social anxiety, I could show them how good to them I would be, and then maybe I wouldn't be stuck being alone anymore. Because as much as I'm an introvert and a loner, I really miss falling asleep next to somebody.
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I empathize with you. I used to be ridiculously shy when I was a teenager. The only way I had a girlfriend was because a friend set me up. I was so fucking shy and anxious that it took two weeks to work up the nerve to kiss her. I'm the total opposite now. I still have anxiety issues and I'm still an introvert but sometimes I feel that veil lift off and I'm able to talk to a random girl with confidence, cracking jokes and whatnot. It's the powder I use for my anxiety. I stopped using pills. The powder is in the coffee family but it works like an opiate, triggering the opiate receptors in the brain. It's magical how much confidence and clarity it brings. It even makes me...friendly. *gasp*
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Random thoughts about my romantic endeavors: Sitting here a little buzzed, I'm just thinking about how shitty it is to have social anxiety when you want to meet new people (mainly for romantic reasons). I have no idea how to talk to people and I drive girls away before I can show how nice, down to earth, and real I am. If women could just get past the initial awkwardness that comes with social anxiety, I could show them how good to them I would be, and then maybe I wouldn't be stuck being alone anymore. Because as much as I'm an introvert and a loner, I really miss falling asleep next to somebody.
I get it (I have a similar story to tell as Prog Snob) but I have to say, "social anxiety" can only be part of it. Where are you looking to meet them? HOW are you looking to meet them? Do you have ANYTHING that is a "comfort zone" to lead with? There's also the notion that "it only takes one".
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Random thoughts about my romantic endeavors: Sitting here a little buzzed, I'm just thinking about how shitty it is to have social anxiety when you want to meet new people (mainly for romantic reasons). I have no idea how to talk to people and I drive girls away before I can show how nice, down to earth, and real I am. If women could just get past the initial awkwardness that comes with social anxiety, I could show them how good to them I would be, and then maybe I wouldn't be stuck being alone anymore. Because as much as I'm an introvert and a loner, I really miss falling asleep next to somebody.
I get it (I have a similar story to tell as Prog Snob) but I have to say, "social anxiety" can only be part of it. Where are you looking to meet them? HOW are you looking to meet them? Do you have ANYTHING that is a "comfort zone" to lead with? There's also the notion that "it only takes one".
The only thing that I feel comfortable talking about is music. There really is no comfort zone because I'm extremely awkward in person and meeting people online is so impersonal that it's hard to show people who I am as a person. I also have regular anxiety as well as depression which makes things even worse.
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I'm going to suggest working on your anxiety then (I say this as a person who works at an anxiety clinic). It's helpful for you, and it increases your chances of meeting people. It's not super helpful to be upset when someone isn't willing to put in a good amount of extra work for someone they don't know.
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Can I offer something else as well, that happened to work for me?
Try not to make every conversation about "meeting my true love and expressing every nuance of my being so she knows the real me!". That's too much pressure. I was traveling a lot for a while and I was in a marriage that was shitting the bed pretty quickly, so I found myself in bars often. I made it a point to talk to ONE PERSON - male or female, didn't matter - I didn't know each time, even if it is just pointing to the TV and saying "can you believe that shit?" or asking the person "what beer is that? It looks good" (obviously not if the person is drinking a Coors Light out of a bottle or something obvious).
Unless you're harboring something - like lace panties under your jeans, or bodies neatly dressed and labeled in your freezer - they'll unpeel the onion in due course. If you shoot your wad (FIGURATIVELY! I meant that FIGURATIVELY!) in the first five minutes, what more do they have to find out about you (that is good anyway)?
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Random thoughts about my romantic endeavors: Sitting here a little buzzed, I'm just thinking about how shitty it is to have social anxiety when you want to meet new people (mainly for romantic reasons). I have no idea how to talk to people and I drive girls away before I can show how nice, down to earth, and real I am. If women could just get past the initial awkwardness that comes with social anxiety, I could show them how good to them I would be, and then maybe I wouldn't be stuck being alone anymore. Because as much as I'm an introvert and a loner, I really miss falling asleep next to somebody.
There are many people out there who think of themselves as a good person with great qualities that make them deserving of having someone in their lives, but the reality is, attraction doesn't care about "deserves". You've described yourself as "nice, down to earth, and real". That's all fine and good, but you need to be fun or perceived as such. You're going to get what you go out there and take.
I can't profess to knowing step-by-step how one breaks out of their shyness shell, but for me personally, it took getting the shit kicked out of me in other aspects of life to reach a point of just not giving a shit anymore. As tragic as that may sound, it's an empowering place to be, although I wish it could have been sooner and through a different method.
However, once you do shed shyness and being overly self-conscious, learn to dance. I know a lot of guys think they're too cool for it, but where do you generally find the women in clubs and bars? On the dance floor. You don't need to be the second coming of Michael Jackson, either. Hell, you can get by just swaying back and forth and some very basic moves. If you get a woman's attention on the dance floor, most of your work is done.
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It's mentally consuming being in love with someone you can't be with.
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Yep, I'm battling through that same thing myself. The worst part is it's a coworker so it's not like I can avoid it throughout the week. It's definitely affecting me on a day to day basis and I'm really starting to worry about myself. I'm wondering if there's a bounce back point or do I just think "damn, I guess I need some help" as I've typically ridden these things out in the past.
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Tell me about it. The love of my life died a year ago. You have no idea...
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Yep, I'm battling through that same thing myself. The worst part is it's a coworker so it's not like I can avoid it throughout the week. It's definitely affecting me on a day to day basis and I'm really starting to worry about myself. I'm wondering if there's a bounce back point or do I just think "damn, I guess I need some help" as I've typically ridden these things out in the past.
If you don't mind me asking, what's stopping anything from happening?
Tell me about it. The love of my life died a year ago. You have no idea...
I don't. I'm exceedingly empathic but something like that is kind of unchartered ground for me. I lost a friend years ago. She died of a cocaine overdose. People see cocaine addicts as this specific type. They get generalized in movies and television as these low-life degenerates who bring down everyone around them along with themselves. My friend was nothing like that. She was one of the kindest and most thoughtful people I ever knew. It's just that she had this addiction issue. She never burdened others or did anything to have it affect others around her other than the concern people had for her. Even then, only a few people knew about it. She was private. I tried so hard to help her and you can't imagine how it affected me when I was the last person that spoke to her just hours before she died. I can't even talk about without crying. I wasn't in love with her so I'm sure it would have been a hundred times as painful if she was the love of my life.
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Tell me about it. The love of my life died a year ago. You have no idea...
Fuck. I'm sorry to hear that.
I'm in the same boat. She died three days after Carrie Fisher did. We weren't together anymore, but she was the only woman I have ever been "in love" with. I'd venture to say you probably hear the "time heals all wounds" adage from just about everyone. Of course, we know they mean well, but I will never see the day I find peace in or acceptance in her being gone.
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Yep, I'm battling through that same thing myself. The worst part is it's a coworker so it's not like I can avoid it throughout the week. It's definitely affecting me on a day to day basis and I'm really starting to worry about myself. I'm wondering if there's a bounce back point or do I just think "damn, I guess I need some help" as I've typically ridden these things out in the past.
If you don't mind me asking, what's stopping anything from happening?
We get along really well and usually end up talking for awhile but I've come to realize that even if she was single I'm not the kind of guy she'd look to date. Nothing we've ever brought up but there's enough pieces there that set off the "not even worth the effort" trigger though unfortunately I'm completely smitten which is what I need to break out of.
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Yep, I'm battling through that same thing myself. The worst part is it's a coworker so it's not like I can avoid it throughout the week. It's definitely affecting me on a day to day basis and I'm really starting to worry about myself. I'm wondering if there's a bounce back point or do I just think "damn, I guess I need some help" as I've typically ridden these things out in the past.
If you don't mind me asking, what's stopping anything from happening?
We get along really well and usually end up talking for awhile but I've come to realize that even if she was single I'm not the kind of guy she'd look to date. Nothing we've ever brought up but there's enough pieces there that set off the "not even worth the effort" trigger though unfortunately I'm completely smitten which is what I need to break out of.
Why don't you give it a shot? Something seemingly innocent like going to lunch together could be revealing.
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Yep, I'm battling through that same thing myself. The worst part is it's a coworker so it's not like I can avoid it throughout the week. It's definitely affecting me on a day to day basis and I'm really starting to worry about myself. I'm wondering if there's a bounce back point or do I just think "damn, I guess I need some help" as I've typically ridden these things out in the past.
If you don't mind me asking, what's stopping anything from happening?
We get along really well and usually end up talking for awhile but I've come to realize that even if she was single I'm not the kind of guy she'd look to date. Nothing we've ever brought up but there's enough pieces there that set off the "not even worth the effort" trigger though unfortunately I'm completely smitten which is what I need to break out of.
Yeah, that's bad advise right there. I have a flight this afternoon, and I can spend from now until liftoff telling you about people in my life that have had long and productive relationships together, and were, on paper, "not the people they'd date". You could probably put both of my wives in that category (for very different reasons). That's not really your call anyway. Let her decide what and who she wants to date. It may not end perfectly, but I can tell you this: it DEFINITELY won't happen if it never even happens to begin with.
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Tell me about it. The love of my life died a year ago. You have no idea...
Fuck. I'm sorry to hear that.
I'm in the same boat. She died three days after Carrie Fisher did. We weren't together anymore, but she was the only woman I have ever been "in love" with. I'd venture to say you probably hear the "time heals all wounds" adage from just about everyone. Of course, we know they mean well, but I will never see the day I find peace in or acceptance in her being gone.
Sorry to hear about that. I hope you can heal somehow. I can't imagine finding any peace either. In my situation, it took me 45 years to find her. 2 years into our relationship she got sick and was gone 3 years later. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for those 5 years we had together. I try to count my blessings but would give up everything to have her back. Rhetorically speaking, how do you move on from that? How do you carry that much baggage around trying to find a potential new relationship without scaring them away? Trying to explain what happened in my past relationship. It's a nightmare of existence. She was cheated out of the rest of her life and I was cheated out of spending the rest of my life with the only woman I ever loved. To me, she was once in a lifetime. That doesn't come around twice. Not giving up. Trying to get back out there. Not easy.
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*hugs Dublagent and Nuno*
Orcus - Stadler and the Snob are right. You never know that you're actually "not her type" until you find that out for sure. I agree with Snob's lunch idea too - good gauge to see if things are going to be static or if there's more there than meets the eye.
As for me, well.. I'm still talking to the guy I mentioned a couple months ago, and in late August we will have known each other for a full year. I'm extremely happy, we're very much alike, and we make each other laugh constantly. It's not perfect but.. what is? I'm grateful that I've met and connected with him. He is a truly great person.
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A quarter to six in the morning and loneliness just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was watching the Prank vs Prank people explain why they broke up and it just brought back so many feelings that I thought I had gotten rid of but instead had just suppressed. As introverted and antisocial as I am, I truly miss having someone to sleep next to at night. I guess I was stupid to think that ten months was enough time to get over an almost eight year relationship. As much as she hurt me, as much as she betrayed my trust and loyalty, as much as she did everything in her power to make me hate her, part of me still loves her. Part of me still wants her back. And to be honest, I don't think that will every fully go away.
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Interesting turn of events tonight: I was out with my ex and her best friend. Her best friend ended up disappearing for a little bit to go bump uglies with some guy so it was just me and my ex. We ended up talking about how great our relationship used to be and how we miss each other. Also, she is now in an open relationship. She asked if I wanted to sleep with her and I declined the offer. This is the second time this question has come up since her relationship became non-exclusive and it’s the second time I’ve said no. The reason I said no is because I worked so hard over this past year to get over her and I don’t want to undo all of that. She’s like a siren: a seductress who lures men into her trap and I’m lucky to have escaped. At the same time, it’s beem over a year since I’ve been with anyone in an intimate way. I truly believe that I’m over being in love with her, but I’m afraid to risk that for one night of fun, even if I know it will be good. And the saga continues...
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I truly believe that I’m over being in love with her, but I’m afraid to risk that for one night of fun, even if I know it will be good. And the saga continues...
Dude... good for you! You totally made the right decision IMO. It's not "casual" in this case. Sex is finite, while you having to live with yourself and whatever your heart/head get out of this is not. If it took you a year to get yourself emotionally here, you certainly won't walk away thinking to yourself, "That was fun... does anyplace serve chicken and waffles at this time of night?" I'm inclined to think she's a real asshole here. Is she really that oblivious to the reality of your joint situation? She found herself an open relationship and now she wants to casually sleep with an ex without understanding what impact she has emotionally on someone that she was supposedly close to... somebody sounds a little selfish :tdwn
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I truly believe that I’m over being in love with her, but I’m afraid to risk that for one night of fun, even if I know it will be good. And the saga continues...
Dude... good for you! You totally made the right decision IMO. It's not "casual" in this case. Sex is finite, while you having to live with yourself and whatever your heart/head get out of this is not. If it took you a year to get yourself emotionally here, you certainly won't walk away thinking to yourself, "That was fun... does anyplace serve chicken and waffles at this time of night?" I'm inclined to think she's a real asshole here. Is she really that oblivious to the reality of your joint situation? She found herself an open relationship and now she wants to casually sleep with an ex without understanding what impact she has emotionally on someone that she was supposedly close to... somebody sounds a little selfish :tdwn
I don't know any of you (you, the ex, the "other guy") but I'm seeing a ton of red flags here. Selfish, asshole, whatever word you want to use, there is nothing "casual" about this in my opinion, and no good can come of it, I don't care how hot she is or how good in the sack she might be. If you're willing to step into a "one night of fun" scenario, then find someone out of your circle. I'm not suggesting this, because it's too close and also fraught with peril, but you're even better off with the friend than with her.
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Interesting turn of events tonight: I was out with my ex and her best friend. Her best friend ended up disappearing for a little bit to go bump uglies with some guy so it was just me and my ex. We ended up talking about how great our relationship used to be and how we miss each other. Also, she is now in an open relationship. She asked if I wanted to sleep with her and I declined the offer. This is the second time this question has come up since her relationship became non-exclusive and it’s the second time I’ve said no. The reason I said no is because I worked so hard over this past year to get over her and I don’t want to undo all of that. She’s like a siren: a seductress who lures men into her trap and I’m lucky to have escaped. At the same time, it’s beem over a year since I’ve been with anyone in an intimate way. I truly believe that I’m over being in love with her, but I’m afraid to risk that for one night of fun, even if I know it will be good. And the saga continues...
Smart move.
I honestly don't know if even I could have resisted that, which is why I can't stay friends with exes. Its extremely painful getting over them and takes a long time. Being friends just constantly reminds me of the past, when really I just want and need to move on. Out of sight out of mind makes it much easier for me.
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Interesting turn of events tonight: I was out with my ex and her best friend. Her best friend ended up disappearing for a little bit to go bump uglies with some guy so it was just me and my ex. We ended up talking about how great our relationship used to be and how we miss each other. Also, she is now in an open relationship. She asked if I wanted to sleep with her and I declined the offer. This is the second time this question has come up since her relationship became non-exclusive and it’s the second time I’ve said no. The reason I said no is because I worked so hard over this past year to get over her and I don’t want to undo all of that. She’s like a siren: a seductress who lures men into her trap and I’m lucky to have escaped. At the same time, it’s beem over a year since I’ve been with anyone in an intimate way. I truly believe that I’m over being in love with her, but I’m afraid to risk that for one night of fun, even if I know it will be good. And the saga continues...
Smart move.
I honestly don't know if even I could have resisted that, which is why I can't stay friends with exes. Its extremely painful getting over them and takes a long time. Being friends just constantly reminds me of the past, when really I just want and need to move on. Out of sight out of mind makes it much easier for me.
Same here - no contact whatsoever with any of my exes. In the beginning to try and move on and not reopen wounds. But after that, it just seems kind of...unneccessary to try and reestablish any kind of friendsship.
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If you live in a small town it must be a nightmare trying to avoid exes. I'm lucky in that after I got dumped a few years ago my ex moved to the other side of the world
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If you live in a small town it must be a nightmare trying to avoid exes. I'm lucky in that after I got dumped a few years ago my ex moved to the other side of the world
My ex fiance works in the exact same field as I do. A very small field where everyone knows everyone. We met in graduate school and there's only so many hospitals in the area, so I absolutely dread the idea of us ending up at the same workplace at some point over my career.
I learned a long time ago not to get involved with someone at work, but dumb me wasn't thinking about that when I met her in school. It never dawned on me that we were going into the exact same field. But then again, at the time I thought the relationship would last forever. I was wrong and regret not having more realistic expectations.
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As they say in my neck of the woods: "Don't shit where you eat."
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As they say in my neck of the woods: "Don't shit where you eat."
Yeah but the snack bar is next to the shitter.
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Weird stuff. I actually talked to my ex-fiance on the phone for the first time in 7 years for like 3+ hours.
It was depressing most of the time since she has become SEVERELY mentally ill. We reminisced a lot too, which was nice, but then things got pretty uncomfy.
She talked about how she was so in love with me, and was even still in love with me when she started dating her current husband, before going into a whole thing about how miserable she is in her marriage and how trapped she feels.
Oy vay.
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That's why it's always best to cut the cord and move on with your like. You can only get hurt from hanging on to an ex as a friend.
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That's why it's always best to cut the cord and move on with your like. You can only get hurt from hanging on to an ex as a friend.
I completely agree with King. I made many mistakes trying to be friends with ex's in the past.
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I still text on occasion with an ex from over 10 years ago (although it took years for us to get back in contact). Every once in a while, one of us will text the other (she almost always texts first) and we'll have a nice texting convo where we see how the other is doing and whatnot. We never talk about current girl/boyfriends, which I guess could be considered odd, but it's never weird at all, us talking.
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That's why it's always best to cut the cord and move on with your like. You can only get hurt from hanging on to an ex as a friend.
That's me. I don't think there's any real animosity (except with one, but I deserve it) but we have different lives now, and there are just too many inevitable but unanswerable questions to have it any other way.
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I pretty much always leave the door open for a friendship but almost never actually act on it. For the most part, it's not worth it. Some people are just cool people though and it's not so wrong to just stay friendly. I've always told myself I'd rather not run into one of them and things be all awkward, I'd rather be able to say Hey hows things going? and be nice, than have to hide and hope they don't see me or something. But I don't need to actively talk and hang out with an X to feel comfortable seeing them again.
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Continuing on the subject of relationships in general,
I find it so fascinating how when in my last relationship (the one where I went as far as getting engaged) how quick I was to ignore or just not being phased when all my friends and loved ones warned and advised me that this was a bad situation and it probably wouldn't work out.
In the end they were totally correct and only now in hindsight do I understand what they were trying to warn me about. Its just amazing how difficult it is to think objectively during infatuation or even farther into the relationship.
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Dude, amen to that. Love clouds the shit out of your judgment... also, sometimes people are manipulative and find ways to keep you along for the ride even though it's a disaster. Not that I'd know anything about that ;)
Anyway, I'm still casually dating but have been romantically burnt out for months and just kind of over it right now.
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Good to see you. Not in this thread, mind you, but still good to see you.
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welcome back, although it sucks to be a lonely burnt out hearts post :sadpanda:
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Aww, miss you guys :heart
I posted in the SS thread first at least!
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Jackiiieeee! :heart
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Oh heyyy! I was just thinking about the time we met!
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Jackie! It's nice to see you back out around, maybe not in this thread but still.
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Oh heyyy! I was just thinking about the time we met!
That was a lot of fun! Still got your number! I was pondering shooting you a text, it'd been so long since I'd seen you active here. :D
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That may be my old number (if it ends with a 0) but if not you're always welcome to text.
But yeah, I don't feel super enthusiastic about anybody or dating in general. Such is life.
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Yeah it's the old number; it's been a good while. :laugh:
I'm in that camp too and have been mindfully staying out of the dating game for the foreseeable future. I went through a phase on the opposite end of the spectrum for a few months and while it was nice at first, it ended up feeling like a cheap substitution. Sometimes it's necessary to take a step back and out of the whole bullshit of either the dating scene and playing those games for a while.
Because try as I might to not see it as such, I am reminded time and time again that it is in fact one big game. Perhaps song and dance is a more relatable phase but either way it becomes tiresome after a while. For as much as people talk about how any kind of substantial, meaningful (a word whose meaning fizzles out before I even finish saying it) relationship is work, I end up thinking that I do enough fuckin' work in my life and would like some peace and relaxation. :lol If I have to do that with my right hand, a bag of Swedish Fish and my PC, I can be content with that. :millahhhh
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I totally hear that. Not only do I do enough work work, but I think dealing with my own bullshit and baggage is hard enough. Like, my relationship with myself is already difficult- why would I want to throw more people into the mix?
I feel a bit bad about it since I am dating people, but I think as long as there aren't super high expectations it's okay. They're all really busy with their own shit too and we don't see each other a ton. Hoping to feel less burnt out soon, though!
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Yeah it's the old number; it's been a good while. :laugh:
I'm in that camp too and have been mindfully staying out of the dating game for the foreseeable future. I went through a phase on the opposite end of the spectrum for a few months and while it was nice at first, it ended up feeling like a cheap substitution. Sometimes it's necessary to take a step back and out of the whole bullshit of either the dating scene and playing those games for a while.
Because try as I might to not see it as such, I am reminded time and time again that it is in fact one big game. Perhaps song and dance is a more relatable phase but either way it becomes tiresome after a while. For as much as people talk about how any kind of substantial, meaningful (a word whose meaning fizzles out before I even finish saying it) relationship is work, I end up thinking that I do enough fuckin' work in my life and would like some peace and relaxation. :lol If I have to do that with my right hand, a bag of Swedish Fish and my PC, I can be content with that. :millahhhh
Amen to all of that.
Being single again has made my life SOOO much less complicated and peaceful. And "game" is such a good way of putting. So much time was wasted wondering: is this parter mad at me and why? Is the relationship still strong, do they still really love me, why are we fighting again, why am I walking on eggshells? All of that daily frustration gets old. I knew I was very unhappy, but terrified to let go at the same time and it was driving me crazy.
Now a days I really am not looking for another relationship. They were all amazing and wonderful in the beginning, but always end up running their course, and the acumulated resentment turns into daily or weekly bickering or fights. I just don't want to deal with that anymore.
And I really don't ever want to get "co-dependant" on another person again. Oh my god, going through the last breakup was like detoxing off drugs, and was extremely painful. I am happy now, just living my life, spending time with my friends and pursuing hobbies. I no longer feel like I need a relationship to feel complete and have a fulfilling life.
If I happen to get into another relationship later down the line then cool. If not, then that's cool too.
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New dilemma: My stepsister has this friend. She’s cute, fun, and a cool person. I’m in to her and she’s into me but we always held off on pursuing anything because we didn’t want to fuck up her and my sister’s friendship. Now the two of them aren’t really talking (petty shit). We ended up matching on a dating app, but idk if dating her will upset my sister given the fact that the two of them aren’t on good terms right now. I hate making the people close to me upset. At the same time, I shouldn’t have to live my life based on what other people think and how other people feel. Thoughts?
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IMO that's an easy one. Go out with this girl, see what happens, and then approach the sister thing if you get to it. If it goes nowhere, no need to even mention it. If it goes well, like more than just good fucking, then tell your sister that it's something real, and not just fucking around. If it gets to that, hopefully she can get over the "petty shit" and realize that two people she cares about also care about each other... her bro and her ho :biggrin:
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Just be honest, above all things.
Who knows? Maybe your relationship with her will be the catalyst for her healing the wound with your sis? We can't see the future. You just have to walk into it on as solid and authentic ground as you can.
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New dilemma: My stepsister has this friend. She’s cute, fun, and a cool person. I’m in to her and she’s into me but we always held off on pursuing anything because we didn’t want to fuck up her and my sister’s friendship. Now the two of them aren’t really talking (petty shit). We ended up matching on a dating app, but idk if dating her will upset my sister given the fact that the two of them aren’t on good terms right now. I hate making the people close to me upset. At the same time, I shouldn’t have to live my life based on what other people think and how other people feel. Thoughts?
I think you answered your own question--I shouldn’t have to live my life based on what other people think and how other people feel. That's pretty important. However, at the same time, I do understand your concern because one of the potential people involved is your sister. But, if it doesn't go beyond one casual date.. what's the harm? I say go for it and see what happens.
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Still bouncing around different dating sites. I found one called Metalhead Date. It's not that bad really. Obviously I find more things in common with the women there but it's not that popular so there might only be a handful of women in my area.
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Been casually dating this really nice Filipina girl. It's basically what I need at the moment. Nothing too serious since I'm moving, but a rather hot girl that is really nice, sweet and great to be around.
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It's something, right?
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It's something, right?
It's exactly what I need right now. Like I said, since I'm moving, I don't want a serious thing at all right now. So this is perfect.
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I'm glad the pieces fell into place for you.
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Keep having chances to meet up with girls. Keep getting cold feet. Social anxiety is a bitch sometimes.
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There is a chance that I may be doing it and finally moving out.
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Keep having chances to meet up with girls. Keep getting cold feet. Social anxiety is a bitch sometimes.
I empathize with you.
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So, after five years in a seemingly ideal relationship, I'm joining the club.
Just a couple of months ago, I was talking to a friend of mine about an article I read the day before. The author (a 20-something guy) related that he participated in a two-week conference far away from home with his peers. Seminars during the day, drinking and partying through the night, you know the drill. Anyway, the point was that there were 12 girls, all of them in a committed relationship back home, some of them even engaged. Some took a few days of getting hit on continuously, some took more than a week to crack, but in the end, 10 out of the 12 wound up cheating on their respective partner. The article hit home, because I've been going to conferences for years, witnessing the very same thing. One girl even cheated after she proudly flaunted around her diamond engagement ring she just got from her boyfriend the month before. Another one married his boyfriend a few months after the conference where she cheated on him with two guys.
But I digress. I'm not going for any sexist conclusions here, people are people, some cheat, some don't, the reason I told this story is that I was sure that if it came to my girlfriend, she'd be among the two out of ten that didn't cheat, no matter what. That's what I told my friend two months ago as well. Everybody thought that something like that could never happen, even her mother and brother, so it was a huge shock to the system when it turned out that she did, in fact, cheat on me, under some of the worst imaginable circumstances.
It hurts like hell, I have no appetite, I have trouble sleeping, the works. I have plenty of good things in my life, a fantastic family, great friends, lots of hobbies, so I'll cope with it, but it'll take time. Fundamentally, I know that we weren't right for each other to begin with, and if I approach it with logic and reason, we would have ended up apart sooner or later. So, good riddance! But emotions have little to do with logic and reason, and -despite our differences- I really loved her.
Anyway, I found this picture, it's a neat little snapshot of how my life was nearly 5 years ago. We had just gotten together and had a long distance relationship for a few months. We would talk on Skype for hours on end. I was a night owl, and she would go to sleep leaving her camera on, and I'd play Starcraft or whatever, with her live feed in the corner of my screen, and I'd glance at her from time to time. Cute stuff.
Right around that time, I really got into DTF as well. I was so proud that someone had sigged one of my comments, that I took a screenshot. And there she is, on Skype, sleeping like a baby. I don't know why I was searching YouTube for hookers & blow, though. Good times, good times. But seasons change, and now it's time to take something for the pain, and turn the page.
Screenshot: https://i.imgur.com/jLD2Pmq.jpg
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Very sorry to hear that. I remember how much it hurts and its not fun. Interestingly enough, studies have shown that during a breakup, the parts of the brain that light up are the same that light up during drug withdrawal, which is why it hurts so damn bad and definitely how I would describe it. I basically was "addicted" to having my partner around.
"Seemingly Ideal relationship" is how I would have described my last relationship as well, but alas like most it ran its course and fell apart.
And fuck cheating. Its super lame and what ended my engagement to my Ex. I couldn't even look at her, let alone respect or trust her. And thus the relationship was done, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself we could have future. I remember after her admitting to doing it saying "but you don't understand, that's not me, that's not who I am". I couldn't help but laughing and saying "it is who you are, don't try and run away from it", but she tried her best to not take responsibility. Whatever, screw that.
It had to end and it did. It hurt like a mother fucker. And I am dead serious when I say that it was the worst pain I have ever felt in the 30 years I've been alive, but ultimately time healed those wounds, and my single life has been amazing. No stress, no bullshit and I have no desire to go back.
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I remember after her admitting to doing it saying "but you don't understand, that's not me, that's not who I am". I couldn't help but laughing
You were laughing because she made a Count of Tuscany reference.
Wait, are you John Petrucci?
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So here’s my new situation: One of my best friends just broke up with her boyfriend a little over a month ago. Now we’ve always had a bit of a connection to the point that even my ex saw it when we were still together. I’ve been starting to see signs of her liking me which may be real or may be me reading too much into things. If she does like me (and I kinda like her too), I feel like that would be opening up a whole new world of complexities, like the fact that my ex (who is one of her best friends) and I are still good friends and bandmates and my best friend used to have a thing for this girl. I know I’m probably thinking way too far ahead and this could amount to precisely nothing, but if there is something there, should I pursue it despite my concerns or is the potential for a complicated situation not worth the risk?
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A wife keeping photos - explicit - of her and another man. Cheating or not cheating?
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A wife keeping photos - explicit - of her and another man. Cheating or not cheating?
Depends. Either way, it's something that should be addressed. If it's just an up close picture of the wife sucking a cock with the dude's face nowhere to be found, that's one thing. If someone set up a timer on a camera and got full body shots of both people, faces included, that's a little different. I'd be curious as to the reasons being given as to why she's keeping them in the first place.
I'm not sure how I'd feel about that. V and I have discussed our sex lives in very great detail. If pictures surfaced, I don't think it would bother me too much. Maybe I'm just sick in the head, but I might want to make copies, you know, for science and stuff.
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So here’s my new situation: One of my best friends just broke up with her boyfriend a little over a month ago. Now we’ve always had a bit of a connection to the point that even my ex saw it when we were still together. I’ve been starting to see signs of her liking me which may be real or may be me reading too much into things. If she does like me (and I kinda like her too), I feel like that would be opening up a whole new world of complexities, like the fact that my ex (who is one of her best friends) and I are still good friends and bandmates and my best friend used to have a thing for this girl. I know I’m probably thinking way too far ahead and this could amount to precisely nothing, but if there is something there, should I pursue it despite my concerns or is the potential for a complicated situation not worth the risk?
The heart wants what the heart wants. Just be upfront with your friend/bandmate about it. Even if you don't get his blessing, don't let that stop you.
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A wife keeping photos - explicit - of her and another man. Cheating or not cheating?
Depends. Either way, it's something that should be addressed. If it's just an up close picture of the wife sucking a cock with the dude's face nowhere to be found, that's one thing. If someone set up a timer on a camera and got full body shots of both people, faces included, that's a little different. I'd be curious as to the reasons being given as to why she's keeping them in the first place.
I'm not sure how I'd feel about that. V and I have discussed our sex lives in very great detail. If pictures surfaced, I don't think it would bother me too much. Maybe I'm just sick in the head, but I might want to make copies, you know, for science and stuff.
That's part of the problem. My friend (it's his sitch) and I have talked about this a lot. I haven't seen the photos (I did ask, though, but I was clearly joking). From what I understand, there are two shots of one guy's gloryhammer. One shot of her in a compromising position taken by that guy, and two other pictures - like you described - of her and a second guy en flagrante delicto, but you can't see faces.
We're both on our second marriage and talked a lot about dealbreakers for round two (the main one: COMMUNICATION!!!!!). We've both been plagued by wives that seemed to be reticent to be open. I don't really know what to tell him. I know for me, I don't need details ("his cock curved to the left...") but I'm not going to lie: I'm the kind of guy that seeks answers, and will formulate scenarios that fit the facts. If the facts don't add up to the story she's telling, I have big issues with trust. In 99% of cases, that makes me an awesome husband/boyfriend/friend/coworker, but it does mean that grey areas are a problem zone in relationships. I also know that in my case, my wife had a guy before me that she has been less than open about, and seems to want to lie about him (she claims that it's because she doesn't want to revisit that time, but she never says WHY). I know he's in the same boat with the "previous guy", but I don't know if the communication on that point is the same. In my case, he couldn't be faithful and didn't have two quarters to rub together; I don't know why my friend's wife bailed on her previous beau), so in my darkest hours I wonder if I didn't get the gig because I'm reliable and can provide and that he is the "Christian Grey" of her fantansies. So it's very possible that she carries a torch for that guy in some form or another, and he's not sure; while I'm projecting tremendously, my friend asked for help and I don't know that I can be objective here.
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I just watched the Black Mirror episode The Entire History of You which was about having recordings of your memories from what you saw, and the plot centered around a guy who suspected his wife was lying about being with a guy and the guy was saying how he watches his memories of girls he bangs. Which kind of drives the guy nuts. I won't spoil it, but it's a more futuristic scenario of what you guys are talking about.
And on a side note, I apparently have some nude photos of my ex. I thought I deleted them, but I found them on my phone which is odd because I didn't get this phone until way after I had last seen her so it was definitely some Verizon synch which I didn't even know happened, the pics were at the bottom of my phone organized by date. But somehow they showed up there and I freaked out because I noticed it while showing my current girlfriend photos in my phone. Luckily she wasn't paying attention at the end so she didn't see, which would of required some explaining and honestly a possible story she wouldn't believe as I am telling the truth here but it seems far fetched from a female perspective that nudes of your ex just happened to show up on your newer phone.
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So, after five years in a seemingly ideal relationship, I'm joining the club.
Just a couple of months ago, I was talking to a friend of mine about an article I read the day before. The author (a 20-something guy) related that he participated in a two-week conference far away from home with his peers. Seminars during the day, drinking and partying through the night, you know the drill. Anyway, the point was that there were 12 girls, all of them in a committed relationship back home, some of them even engaged. Some took a few days of getting hit on continuously, some took more than a week to crack, but in the end, 10 out of the 12 wound up cheating on their respective partner. The article hit home, because I've been going to conferences for years, witnessing the very same thing. One girl even cheated after she proudly flaunted around her diamond engagement ring she just got from her boyfriend the month before. Another one married his boyfriend a few months after the conference where she cheated on him with two guys.
But I digress. I'm not going for any sexist conclusions here, people are people, some cheat, some don't, the reason I told this story is that I was sure that if it came to my girlfriend, she'd be among the two out of ten that didn't cheat, no matter what. That's what I told my friend two months ago as well. Everybody thought that something like that could never happen, even her mother and brother, so it was a huge shock to the system when it turned out that she did, in fact, cheat on me, under some of the worst imaginable circumstances.
This is similar to my current relationship in that despite any trials and tribulations the one thing I cannot imagine happening is her cheating on me. That's not me being boastful of any way, but without getting down to the lengthy minutia of everything I would be absolutely floored if it did happen. So I really can't imagine the scenario if it did, and I'm sorry you're going through it.
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I just watched the Black Mirror episode The Entire History of You which was about having recordings of your memories from what you saw, and the plot centered around a guy who suspected his wife was lying about being with a guy and the guy was saying how he watches his memories of girls he bangs. Which kind of drives the guy nuts. I won't spoil it, but it's a more futuristic scenario of what you guys are talking about.
And on a side note, I apparently have some nude photos of my ex. I thought I deleted them, but I found them on my phone which is odd because I didn't get this phone until way after I had last seen her so it was definitely some Verizon synch which I didn't even know happened, the pics were at the bottom of my phone organized by date. But somehow they showed up there and I freaked out because I noticed it while showing my current girlfriend photos in my phone. Luckily she wasn't paying attention at the end so she didn't see, which would of required some explaining and honestly a possible story she wouldn't believe as I am telling the truth here but it seems far fetched from a female perspective that nudes of your ex just happened to show up on your newer phone.
YES! I actually watched that about a week and a half ago, or so, and mentioned it to my friend. Though the ending was... I can't ruin it, but it wasn't satisfying in the context of this specific discussion.
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No, it wasn't a good ending IMO either, but the context. I literally watched that episode last night :lol
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A wife keeping photos - explicit - of her and another man. Cheating or not cheating?
Is it formal cheating? No
Is it a slap in the face and disrespectful? yes
I would feel pretty hurt by that, and I deliberately don't keep pictures of an ex around because:
A. I don't want to hurt the person I am currently with or make them feel bad/upset
B. To dwell in the past is to die in the present. I do my best to make peace with former relationships and move on with my life.
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Well,
I was getting too close to this 44 year old RED head mother of 2 at work, and I didn't even realize I was doing it until my buddy pulled me aside and smartened me up. Its so amazing how attraction works. Its started just as joking around, then slipped into teasing and then basically was full on flirting. So my buddy was like "yo, tone that shit down. Remember you're at work, not at the club" and i did. I swear to god I don't know what it is about me that attracts cougars with kids... Last time I was 25. Now at 30, I'm not doing it again, and since its at work, I'm DEFINITELY not doing it.
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Well,
I was getting too close to this 44 year old RED head mother of 2 at work, and I didn't even realize I was doing it until my buddy pulled me aside and smartened me up. Its so amazing how attraction works. Its started just as joking around, then slipped into teasing and then basically was full on flirting. So my buddy was like "yo, tone that shit down. Remember you're at work, not at the club" and i did. I swear to god I don't know what it is about me that attracts cougars with kids... Last time I was 25. Now at 30, I'm not doing it again, and since its at work, I'm DEFINITELY not doing it.
So I'm banging this hot red head at work, and this smart ass 30-year old starts honing in on my territory. I told that f*** straight away, 'yo, tone that shit down. You're at work, not the club!", so hopefully he gets the message and stops trying to mow my lawn.
:) :) :) (Just kidding boss!)
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I deleted my profile on OkCupid after it steadily started to turn to shit with all the changes, so I caved and tried Tinder again. Shockingly enough, I've got like 10 matches so far, as opposed to the handful or so last time around - evidently I look sexier with glasses :zydar: ...or my profile simply looks more representative now :lol I haven't heard back from most, but I've had some nice chats with this one girl and I'm going out with her tomorrow, so that'll be my first Tinder date. :coolio
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I deleted my profile on OkCupid after it steadily started to turn to shit with all the changes, so I caved and tried Tinder again. Shockingly enough, I've got like 10 matches so far, as opposed to the handful or so last time around - evidently I look sexier with glasses :zydar: ...or my profile simply looks more representative now :lol I haven't heard back from most, but I've had some nice chats with this one girl and I'm going out with her tomorrow, so that'll be my first Tinder date. :coolio
I'm 4.5 years into my Tinder relationship.
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I deleted my profile on OkCupid after it steadily started to turn to shit with all the changes, so I caved and tried Tinder again. Shockingly enough, I've got like 10 matches so far, as opposed to the handful or so last time around - evidently I look sexier with glasses :zydar: ...or my profile simply looks more representative now :lol I haven't heard back from most, but I've had some nice chats with this one girl and I'm going out with her tomorrow, so that'll be my first Tinder date. :coolio
I'm 4.5 years into my Tinder relationship.
Congrats, happy to hear it worked out for somebody! :tup
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I've never used tinder, but a friend of mine married his tinder date last year and they seem VERY happy.
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I deleted my profile on OkCupid after it steadily started to turn to shit with all the changes, so I caved and tried Tinder again. Shockingly enough, I've got like 10 matches so far, as opposed to the handful or so last time around - evidently I look sexier with glasses :zydar: ...or my profile simply looks more representative now :lol I haven't heard back from most, but I've had some nice chats with this one girl and I'm going out with her tomorrow, so that'll be my first Tinder date. :coolio
I'm 4.5 years into my Tinder relationship.
My tinder relationship celebrated one year of being "official" two weekends ago. We are very happy together.
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I deleted my profile on OkCupid after it steadily started to turn to shit with all the changes, so I caved and tried Tinder again. Shockingly enough, I've got like 10 matches so far, as opposed to the handful or so last time around - evidently I look sexier with glasses :zydar: ...or my profile simply looks more representative now :lol I haven't heard back from most, but I've had some nice chats with this one girl and I'm going out with her tomorrow, so that'll be my first Tinder date. :coolio
I'm 4.5 years into my Tinder relationship.
My last relationship was a 7 month tinder relationship that only ended because it was getting more serious and she wanted kids, and I didn't. If it wasn't for that we'd probably be married. I know two other couples married from Tinder matches, you get what you put into it :lol
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Reaper, I am surprised you don't want kids. Is that just for now or just in general?
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In general. Honestly I didn't give it much thought until that relationship I had. We had a serious conversation about our future and I just thought about having kids and seemed to really put me off. We broke up.
I'm now with someone who doesn't want kids too. I don't know what it is. I guess I'm just selfish but I don't really have the time to be a great dad. I enjoy the company of children, when my niece or nephew is in town I have a lot of fun they are around but I'm ultimately happy they leave at the end of the night :lol
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I can definitely respect that.
The desire to be a father was pretty much a driving force for most of my life. Never having a father myself, there was this gaping hole in my heart that I wanted to heal by being the best father that I could be to a child of my own. I swore that my child would never feel the pain that I did. So I met that girl who I "thought" was my soulmate, best friend and ally in this life. We dated, she accepted my proposal. We were set to be married and she said should she couldn't wait to be the mother of my child, and everything felt right in the world.
I broke down my wall for her. Told her things I never told anyone and for the first time ever, made myself 100% vulnerable to another human being. She had my full trust.
And then she cheated on me and broke my heart. That moment and the subsequent dying of that relationship is the worst pain that I have felt over my entire life.
This picture sums up what I was feeling as that relationship ended
(https://img00.deviantart.net/a626/i/2014/129/4/c/forever_is_over_by_destinyblue-d6yel96.jpg)
My head was in the clouds during the relationship and I thought it would last forever. Alas, this aint no fairy tale world, and not everything always turns out the way you think. And that experience taught me a lot about how real life works.
So now a days, I'm not so fast to rush in to things, and I am going to be more realistic about the person that I am dating. Sure it would have been great to have the child that I always wanted, but me and my ex would have broken up and then the cycle would have continued. So If a person comes along that I feel I can genuinely maintain a healthy relationship with and provide somewhat of a normal homelife to a child, then I will have one. If not, then I'm not going to stress over it.
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I'm sorry to hear that. I'm 50 now, and married (for the second time) and I'm really starting to rethink my stance on fidelity. I'm increasingly coming to think that we aren't wired for that. I don't know how that fits into a healthy relationship - because I am not really a "sharer" in that regard - but certainly, I have a new... not really "appreciation", but at least understanding for people like Hillary Clinton and Melania Trump and Beyoncé (I only went with them because we know them; they may not be the best examples because of the power dynamic - they're all married to powerful men, and two of them to LITERALLY the most powerful man in the world at that time).
I'm not suggesting you should have stayed or not - that's my appreciation; only you can make that call - but I think the dynamic is far more complex than "she cheated, I'm crushed, buh-bye!".
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I'm sorry to hear that. I'm 50 now, and married (for the second time) and I'm really starting to rethink my stance on fidelity. I'm increasingly coming to think that we aren't wired for that. I don't know how that fits into a healthy relationship - because I am not really a "sharer" in that regard - but certainly, I have a new... not really "appreciation", but at least understanding for people like Hillary Clinton and Melania Trump and Beyoncé (I only went with them because we know them; they may not be the best examples because of the power dynamic - they're all married to powerful men, and two of them to LITERALLY the most powerful man in the world at that time).
I love my girlfriend to death and intend on spending the rest of my life with her, but I'll admit that at the age of 29, it honestly bums me out that she could be the last person I have sexual encounters with (excluding threesomes if that ever happens). Our sex life is great, but there is a rush of excitement, fun, joy, and emotion when you end up hooking up with someone for the first time.
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I'm sorry to hear that. I'm 50 now, and married (for the second time) and I'm really starting to rethink my stance on fidelity. I'm increasingly coming to think that we aren't wired for that. I don't know how that fits into a healthy relationship - because I am not really a "sharer" in that regard - but certainly, I have a new... not really "appreciation", but at least understanding for people like Hillary Clinton and Melania Trump and Beyoncé (I only went with them because we know them; they may not be the best examples because of the power dynamic - they're all married to powerful men, and two of them to LITERALLY the most powerful man in the world at that time).
I love my girlfriend to death and intend on spending the rest of my life with her, but I'll admit that at the age of 29, it honestly bums me out that she could be the last person I have sexual encounters with (excluding threesomes if that ever happens). Our sex life is great, but there is a rush of excitement, fun, joy, and emotion when you end up hooking up with someone for the first time.
There is, but even that gets old. I've always felt the way you do with my x, that it sucked she would be the last one I'd bang. Then we broke up and I banged many other girls and now kind of realize that the rush and excitement fades either way. It's better to just be happy with someone you love IMO. If I never bang anyone else but stay with my current gf and if we are happy, then I think that's fine for me.
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Those are some interesting perspectives. I've never been in a long term relationship, and a lot of things about it freak me the fuck out! Maybe one of them is the "last sexual partner" thing. And Stads makes a good point, whether it works for you or not, about what is, let's say, redeemable. But on the sexual partner thing... I don't exactly have a long list. Not all, but most, are more hookups, and less connections with people I click with. That being said, I've never had sex with someone I had REAL feelings for, or felt this amazing connection, or was in LOVE. As we all can probably agree on, just about any sex is a good time :hat, and not something I'm usually gonna balk at. But some of you might also be familiar with being totally into what's happening, and then when all the fun is had, I literally CAN'T WAIT to be somewhere else. Any thought of the other person is gone. It sounds crude, and it kinda is. It feels shallow, and I've been on the side of feeling "used", or like "a piece of meat." So I guess I'm kinda wondering what the other side is like. Perhaps it's one of those "grass is always greener" scenarios.
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Well, I won't lie; there are times after that I just want to go downstairs and make a sandwich, or put on PlayStation. It is what it is. I get the notion of wanting to feel that rush, and I do miss it, but they are all sort of swirling around in the bigger pot of life. I don't know how else to say it. As I get older individual things get less and less "stark" or determinative, and that goes for "wanting to go get a sandwich" or wanting "strange partners". Does that make sense?
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So I had a very interesting Thursday night to say the least. A lot of alcohol was involved, and it led to me making out with my ex. It honestly felt weird and was a final confirmation that I’m over her. But the really interesting thing was a conversation I had with one of my friends. I mentioned in a previous post that my friend and her boyfriend broke up and that there might be something there. Well her ex was this “friend” that I was talking to on Thursday, and he asked me if I had ever considered dating the aforementioned girl and that he thinks that we would make a great couple. It was a very surreal moment that got me rethinking my opinion on the possibility of a relationship with this girl.
EDIT: I’m starting to get really freaked out. We keep sharing and liking very similar things on social media in regards to what we want in a relationship. Everything keeps pointing to us being compatible and it’s reallt starting to scare me.
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I'm sorry to hear that. I'm 50 now, and married (for the second time) and I'm really starting to rethink my stance on fidelity. I'm increasingly coming to think that we aren't wired for that.
We're not, and the problem is, not many people want to actually admit it. I don't care how hot one's wife or girlfriend is, how great her personality is, or he deeply he may "love" her, the desire to hook up with or get turned on by the next mega-hottie he sees will never die. Ever. No, he may not act on it, but he's damn sure thinking about it. The fact Hollywood is constantly force feeding hokey concepts like "soulmates" to everyone doesn't help with seeing and understanding the truth, either. I also hate to burst any bubbles, but it's the same for women, too. No amount of "love" and attraction to a man will ever cast a tunnel vision spell on her, no matter what she says.
I've often wondered what the world would be like if we weren't subjected to so much social programming and began to relinquish the ego a bit more, because it's the primary culprit in our getting emotionally wrecked by the mere thought of being "cheated" on.
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I'm sorry to hear that. I'm 50 now, and married (for the second time) and I'm really starting to rethink my stance on fidelity. I'm increasingly coming to think that we aren't wired for that.
We're not, and the problem is, not many people want to actually admit it. I don't care how hot one's wife or girlfriend is, how great her personality is, or he deeply he may "love" her, the desire to hook up with or get turned on by the next mega-hottie he sees will never die. Ever. No, he may not act on it, but he's damn sure thinking about it. The fact Hollywood is constantly force feeding hokey concepts like "soulmates" to everyone doesn't help with seeing and understanding the truth, either. I also hate to burst any bubbles, but it's the same for women, too. No amount of "love" and attraction to a man will ever cast a tunnel vision spell on her, no matter what she says.
I've often wondered what the world would be like if we weren't subjected to so much social programming and began to relinquish the ego a bit more, because it's the primary culprit in our getting emotionally wrecked by the mere thought of being "cheated" on.
It's fascinating to me (and if I wrote this before I apologize, I don't feel like going back) but in my therapy, I've been working on the idea that I was cheated on for most of the last two+ years of my first marriage, and if I'm being honest, it WASN'T the cheating that really bugged me; it was the idea that she thought she was being so clever and getting one over on me. Looking back, I might not have liked it, and I don't know that I have the personality to fully exercise my rights under the arrangement, but if she didn't take me for a fool, I could've probably lived under that arrangement indefinitely. This is grossly simplified, but the point remains that it's not as simple as "You cheated? You GONE!".
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To each their own, but if my partner cheated on me, then that is the end of the relationship.
There's a lot of nasty STDs out there and I don't know who they're sleepin with. I'm not playing that game.
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To each their own, but if my partner cheated on me, then that is the end of the relationship.
There's a lot of nasty STDs out there and I don't know who they're sleepin with. I'm not playing that game.
But that goes to the honesty of it. Plus, at that point, I wasn't going to be catching anything from her, if you get my drift.
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I've only been cheated on (to my knowledge) by one girlfriend, and I didn't learn that until after I dumped her.
So honestly? I have no idea how I'd react. I can say that 'you cheat you gone' but the dynamics dictate that. Hopefully I'll never have to find out.
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Just chiming in to say 3Fun is a really great app for couples who acknowledge monogamy might not be for everyone.
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Just chiming in to say 3Fun is a really great app for couples who acknowledge monogamy might not be for everyone.
I know I speak for Bout to Crash when i say that monogamy IS for everyone. No exceptions.
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I've only been cheated on (to my knowledge) by one girlfriend, and I didn't learn that until after I dumped her.
So honestly? I have no idea how I'd react. I can say that 'you cheat you gone' but the dynamics dictate that. Hopefully I'll never have to find out.
I kind of feel the same. Easy to say you cheat your done and internally I do kind of believe that, but the reality is not always that simple such as Stadler's example.
Also, as far as I know, I was cheated on by one gf but also didn't find out until much after the relationship was over so I've never really experienced this myself.
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I'm sorry to hear that. I'm 50 now, and married (for the second time) and I'm really starting to rethink my stance on fidelity. I'm increasingly coming to think that we aren't wired for that.
We're not, and the problem is, not many people want to actually admit it. I don't care how hot one's wife or girlfriend is, how great her personality is, or he deeply he may "love" her, the desire to hook up with or get turned on by the next mega-hottie he sees will never die. Ever. No, he may not act on it, but he's damn sure thinking about it. The fact Hollywood is constantly force feeding hokey concepts like "soulmates" to everyone doesn't help with seeing and understanding the truth, either. I also hate to burst any bubbles, but it's the same for women, too. No amount of "love" and attraction to a man will ever cast a tunnel vision spell on her, no matter what she says.
I've often wondered what the world would be like if we weren't subjected to so much social programming and began to relinquish the ego a bit more, because it's the primary culprit in our getting emotionally wrecked by the mere thought of being "cheated" on.
It's fascinating to me (and if I wrote this before I apologize, I don't feel like going back) but in my therapy, I've been working on the idea that I was cheated on for most of the last two+ years of my first marriage, and if I'm being honest, it WASN'T the cheating that really bugged me; it was the idea that she thought she was being so clever and getting one over on me. Looking back, I might not have liked it, and I don't know that I have the personality to fully exercise my rights under the arrangement, but if she didn't take me for a fool, I could've probably lived under that arrangement indefinitely. This is grossly simplified, but the point remains that it's not as simple as "You cheated? You GONE!".
Did you catch them in the act or just find out about it?? Even though I still maintain controlling our ego (not an easy task by any stretch, and even I still have some remnants of it floating around inside me) make things so much easier, catching your wife or significant other in the act still has to be brutal, even if only for that moment. My brother caught his wife in the act several years ago. She did it in their own bed with their children in the house, too. He ended up turning to drugs over it and damn near killed himself.
My outlook on relationships is so bleak. My last one ended at the end of 2014. I've been with about 50 women since then, and while it has been incredibly fun, part of me feels a need to recapture my "innocence" with a good old fashioned relationship sometimes, but I see them as transitory illusions and a big responsibility that I don't think I can handle anymore, so I don't know what the hell to do.
All this talk of infidelity reminded me of something, too. If anyone ever finds themselves in need of a good cry, but haven't been able to get it out, fire up the soundtrack from the movie "Unfaithful". That shit has me blubbering like a baby every time.
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That's a good movie
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Yes, it was. I haven't seen it again since the year it was released and was of a different mindset then, but damn, I felt every last bit of pain the character Richard Gere played felt. I'd venture to say many other men did, too.
And damn, Diane Lane was smoldering. :o
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I'm sorry to hear that. I'm 50 now, and married (for the second time) and I'm really starting to rethink my stance on fidelity. I'm increasingly coming to think that we aren't wired for that.
We're not, and the problem is, not many people want to actually admit it. I don't care how hot one's wife or girlfriend is, how great her personality is, or he deeply he may "love" her, the desire to hook up with or get turned on by the next mega-hottie he sees will never die. Ever. No, he may not act on it, but he's damn sure thinking about it. The fact Hollywood is constantly force feeding hokey concepts like "soulmates" to everyone doesn't help with seeing and understanding the truth, either. I also hate to burst any bubbles, but it's the same for women, too. No amount of "love" and attraction to a man will ever cast a tunnel vision spell on her, no matter what she says.
I've often wondered what the world would be like if we weren't subjected to so much social programming and began to relinquish the ego a bit more, because it's the primary culprit in our getting emotionally wrecked by the mere thought of being "cheated" on.
It's fascinating to me (and if I wrote this before I apologize, I don't feel like going back) but in my therapy, I've been working on the idea that I was cheated on for most of the last two+ years of my first marriage, and if I'm being honest, it WASN'T the cheating that really bugged me; it was the idea that she thought she was being so clever and getting one over on me. Looking back, I might not have liked it, and I don't know that I have the personality to fully exercise my rights under the arrangement, but if she didn't take me for a fool, I could've probably lived under that arrangement indefinitely. This is grossly simplified, but the point remains that it's not as simple as "You cheated? You GONE!".
Did you catch them in the act or just find out about it?? Even though I still maintain controlling our ego (not an easy task by any stretch, and even I still have some remnants of it floating around inside me) make things so much easier, catching your wife or significant other in the act still has to be brutal, even if only for that moment. My brother caught his wife in the act several years ago. She did it in their own bed with their children in the house, too. He ended up turning to drugs over it and damn near killed himself.
I don't know how to answer that; it wasn't like in the movies where I walked in on them in bed. There were, ultimately, three times. The first was too weird to even try to relate in a sentence or two, but suffice to say it was never officially confirmed, but the nature and manner of the discussions about it after the fact all but do confirm it. The second, I saw some texts that were inappropriate and a phone bill that had literally 1000 texts to a specific number (and that went on for a couple of months, while I was working on an extended assignment. The third was... odd. I knew the guy very well (he was married too) and there was a business trip and when I went to pick her up at the airport, he walked right by me with his head down as if doing a perp walk. There was, again, never any real official confirmation, but it was just sort of a "fait accompli" about the whole deal, and as we moved toward divorce, it just "was". There was no confirmation, but there was no denial either. I don't know how to better explain it, other than "you had to be there".
My outlook on relationships is so bleak. My last one ended at the end of 2014. I've been with about 50 women since then, and while it has been incredibly fun, part of me feels a need to recapture my "innocence" with a good old fashioned relationship sometimes, but I see them as transitory illusions and a big responsibility that I don't think I can handle anymore, so I don't know what the hell to do.
All this talk of infidelity reminded me of something, too. If anyone ever finds themselves in need of a good cry, but haven't been able to get it out, fire up the soundtrack from the movie "Unfaithful". That shit has me blubbering like a baby every time.
You know, I don't want to make this political (at ALL) but if you read me in P/R much, I'm very critical of social media, and my personal belief is that it's doing more harm, in total, than good, at least on the personal level, and while dating with social media is, in many ways, almost like shooting fish in a barrel, I think it results in a greater existential loneliness. I have found that the "openness" that texting or social media engenders doesn't actually bring people closer intellectually. That so-and-so has a d--- pic of mine doesn't, in my view, open any deeper spiritual doors in that relationship.
I know for me I kept sane (and there were some insane moments, let me tell you) out of dumb luck. I met a woman on Match, and through the "Match" process it seemed like such a great fit on every level. Then we met, and as callous as this sounds, there was literally no physical spark (on my part, I can't speak for her) at all. None. She kissed me at one point and it was perhaps the first time (other than when this guy Steve kissed me at a Uconn football game as a joke in front of all our friends) where I had zero interest in continuing the activity. And yet we went on a second "date" (tried again with the kiss and same result), but continued to talk. We'd meet for a drinks on occasion (and to reinforce, even with alcohol and being functionally celibate for the better part of a couple years, we never did anything other than those two kisses) and it was so good - for me, I don't think she would say the same - to have a relationship that went beyond "texting" and the sort of shallow social media exchanges.
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There was no confirmation, but there was no denial either. I don't know how to better explain it, other than "you had to be there".
Judging from what I read, I'd say you had enough compelling evidence it occurred.
You know, I don't want to make this political (at ALL) but if you read me in P/R much, I'm very critical of social media, and my personal belief is that it's doing more harm, in total, than good, at least on the personal level, and while dating with social media is, in many ways, almost like shooting fish in a barrel, I think it results in a greater existential loneliness. I have found that the "openness" that texting or social media engenders doesn't actually bring people closer intellectually. That so-and-so has a d--- pic of mine doesn't, in my view, open any deeper spiritual doors in that relationship.
You'll get no disagreement from me on this. I have out of state relatives who opt to not show up to the big family holiday get-togethers anymore, and I suspect it would be different if social media didn't exist as an alternate method of "keeping in touch". Hell, why travel to see how much your baby cousins have grown in the last year when one can simply see the pictures and video on Facebook? The thing is, they can't be convinced it's not the same as being in each other's presence. They'll have to come to that realization on their own. As for dating sites, I believe people end up becoming addicted to the pursuit. I know of several people who constantly piss and moan about the sites, yet the one thing they won't do is walk away. I liken it to listening to a drunk bitch about hangovers.
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I've always felt the way you do with my x, that it sucked she would be the last one I'd bang. Then we broke up and I banged many other girls and now kind of realize that the rush and excitement fades either way. It's better to just be happy with someone you love IMO. If I never bang anyone else but stay with my current gf and if we are happy, then I think that's fine for me.
This is kinda my perspective. I feel like maybe monogamy is best for social cohesion, harmony and the thriving of individual humans - life is too hard to go at it all by yourself, and you need some chosen family to provide you with that stability, not to mention raising children if you're into that. However, a "hall pass" method would probably fit the most humans the best - monogamy in principle, but if a strange mutual attraction happens while you're somewhere halfway through fourty years of marriage to the same person, well...
As a woman who's only been with men, I have to admit I rarely feel that rush of excitement at the thought of getting with somebody new (now in theory, since I'm married). My thoughts hooking up with a new man are mostly in the realm of "okay let's see if he even knows how things work around here", and that's when you rule out the inherent dangers of being alone in a closed space with a person much stronger than you who is, for all intents and purposes, a total stranger. Sex with men is better when you actually spend a few months with them. Don't wanna rain on anyone's parade, but I guarantee ya at least half of your one night stands were thinking "well okay now I can say I've done that, item checked off the list" after the night was over, and nothing more than that.
Being with someone who knows me, loves me and moves me, that's my jam, even without a harem of beautiful people just waiting outside my door :lol
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This is kinda my perspective. I feel like maybe monogamy is best for social cohesion, harmony and the thriving of individual humans - life is too hard to go at it all by yourself, and you need some chosen family to provide you with that stability, not to mention raising children if you're into that.
Oh I agree 100%. My home was beyond broken. My father was gone before I was born. My mother was more interested in partying then raising a child. And every couple of months it was some new guy in the picture, and they ranged from bad to worse. I can remember the constant fighting and screaming, things being broken and doors slammin at 2am in the morning. Living in fear and uncertainty, powerless to stop any of it. I wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy. And Not having my father in my life brought me profound sadness that still hurts me to this day.
I want it to be different with my child. I want to provide a stable, loving and constructive home, with both parents present. Two people that love and support each other and want to be their for their child.
Is marriage outdated? Is it asking too much for two people to stay together til death do you part? Yeah maybe. But at the very least if I have a child with someone, I will commit myself to staying with that person until the child is grown, for the sake of the child we chose to bring into this world. After that if me and my partner have grown apart, then Its totally fine if we go our separate ways and move on. It does not have to last a lifetime, and I am fine with that.
Sex with your significant other is better when you actually spend a few months with them. Don't wanna rain on anyone's parade, but I guarantee ya at least half of your one night stands were thinking "well okay now I can say I've done that, item checked off the list" after the night was over, and nothing more than that.
Being with someone who knows me, loves me and moves me, that's my jam, even without a harem of beautiful people just waiting outside my door :lol
I agree 100%. I can't speak for other guys, but I only ever enjoy sex if I actually care for someone. Only one time in my life did I have sex with someone I didn't love and it was like eating stale bread or drinking flat soda. Something felt really off about it and its something I will never do again. I like to get to know someone, build a bond and from that comes intimate relations. But that's just me.
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Sex with your significant other is better when you actually spend a few months with them. Don't wanna rain on anyone's parade, but I guarantee ya at least half of your one night stands were thinking "well okay now I can say I've done that, item checked off the list" after the night was over, and nothing more than that.
Being with someone who knows me, loves me and moves me, that's my jam, even without a harem of beautiful people just waiting outside my door :lol
I agree 100%. I can't speak for other guys, but I only ever enjoy sex if I actually care for someone. Only one time in my life did I have sex with someone I didn't love and it was like eating stale bread or drinking flat soda. Something felt really off about it and its something I will never do again. I like to get to know someone, build a bond and from that comes intimate relations. But that's just me.
But is it completely unreasonable to think that you might have two or maybe even three people that you care enough about to have meaningful, semi-regular sex, but have a main "life partner" with whom you share a home and a family and parenting responsibilities?
I have guy friends that I periodically go out and have drinks with, I have guy friends that I periodically go out to concerts with... is it so out of the mainstream to contemplate a scenario where I have girl friends I periodically go out and have sex with?
(Full disclosure; this is hypothetical and talking generally. I don't have a "set up" like this and nor do I have the constitution to pull it off, I don't think. But it's worth contemplating. And categorically, I am not talking about polygamy here.)
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Sex with your significant other is better when you actually spend a few months with them. Don't wanna rain on anyone's parade, but I guarantee ya at least half of your one night stands were thinking "well okay now I can say I've done that, item checked off the list" after the night was over, and nothing more than that.
Being with someone who knows me, loves me and moves me, that's my jam, even without a harem of beautiful people just waiting outside my door :lol
I agree 100%. I can't speak for other guys, but I only ever enjoy sex if I actually care for someone. Only one time in my life did I have sex with someone I didn't love and it was like eating stale bread or drinking flat soda. Something felt really off about it and its something I will never do again. I like to get to know someone, build a bond and from that comes intimate relations. But that's just me.
But is it completely unreasonable to think that you might have two or maybe even three people that you care enough about to have meaningful, semi-regular sex, but have a main "life partner" with whom you share a home and a family and parenting responsibilities?
Ugh. Fuck. Okay. You got me (You're lucky I'm 9 Heineken deep right now) .
Story time. This post may be long winded, and off the cuff, so bare with me. Apologies in advance if I ramble and become incoherent at any time.
Victoria broke. She moved out of out house last July. She moved out two months prior to the four year anniversary of us (me) buying our home. It's not an easy thing to talk about, obviously, seeing as I share a lot of stuff here that my closest friends don't even know about me, and it's still taken me me over 7 months to mention it here. Of my core group of guy friends, only 3 of the 7 are currently aware that she's no longer living with me. She had a complete mental breakdown and is in therapy twice a week, sometimes three times per week. We still love each other deeply, but she's got shit to figure out before we can proceed. It sucks, but I'm glad it's happening now rather than a few years into a marriage or with children involved. We still say good morning and good night daily. We still say "I love you" to each other just as often. She was here last night and we have dinner plans tomorrow.
Anyway, we still have sex like mad every time we see each other (a few times per week), and somehow, the sex has gotten better than it ever was when she was living here (not to imply that there was anything wrong with our sex lives to begin with). She's gotten herself a lease on a nearby apartment which ends in four months, at which time we will reassess the standing of our future together. Part of this arrangement is we are allowed to see other people.
I've had sex with three other girls during this time:
Girl #1: For our five year anniversary we had booked a 9 night trip to Ireland. Victoria didn't come. Part of that was due to our situation, which was only two months in at the time, but it was mainly due to family obligations on her end that she really couldn't avoid without her family throwing a shit fit. That being said, I met a girl in Dublin (I stayed in four cities in all) who was randomly looking for a lighter when I was nursing a beer outside of a pub. Five hours later after a shitload of beer and a local's (her) tour of the area, I ended up spending the night at her place and doing the deed twice. That was without question one of the most exciting experiences of my life. It was a combination of factors, but a huge part of it was the spontaneity and knowing that it was statistically impossible I'd ever run into or hear from her again. If I rocked the house (which I did :hat), cool. If I didn't, it'd be an easy thing to forget. To top it off, she was five years older than me and a cop, which somehow added to the experience immensely.
Girl #2: A girl I met on Bumble and had a two week fling with. We had sex a total of five times. She was a 33yo single mom (I'm 30 for those who don't know). She was really cool, and sweet, and and all around a genuinely awesome human being. I called it off out of guilt as I felt as though I was using her. She knew my situation, but even so, it still felt weird. Sidebar: the dating app game has changed a ton (for the worse) since I met Victoria on Tinder 5.5 years ago.
Girl #3) Jamie. Jamie is a girl I've known for over a decade now. We met at our place of employment and used to have a friends with benefits thing, a few instances of which happened at work, one of which happened in an industrial freezer that was 40 below. Good times. Anyway, her and I have hooked up a number of times over the last couple months. We both know the deal. We both know we could never have a feasible relationship, but are both 110% on board with just partaking in the act of sex. There's no pity element or anything like that. We've always just been really cool with each other and understand that sometimes sex can just be sex. We're both consenting adults and both seem to understand that when horny, fucking someone else is better than doing it alone. We've talked about it at length and basically just use each other like human fleshlights and dildos. TBH, it's freaking phenomenal. We're both fine with the situation. We've been friends a long time and are completely cool and comfortable with each other's bodily fluids, but at the same time we can both acknowledge that a relationship would never work. We have a connection and a ton of chemistry, but it's not "love". I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I have every intention of continuing things with Victoria if that's what she wants to do, and there will be no difficulties in going back to a monogamous relationship. But for the time being, what I'm doing now is fun. Would I want a lifetime of it? I don't think so. Would it be the worst thing in the world? No. If Victoria approached me and said I want to marry you and have a family, but we can agree to having disclosed sex with other people on the DL, I'd be completely content with that. And that's not a knock against her in any way.
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I don't mean to be crass, Chino, and not mention the rest of the story (thanks for sharing that by the way, I think it's cool that you trust all of us to share that. Hopefully everything works out)
But how exactly did you have sex in a 40 below cooler and still have all of the plumbing working? Wouldn't everything just turn into a raisin? More power to both of you, though. That's impressive and since I work in a grocery store and freezer in similar temps and have a work relationship of sorts, I gotta give you one of these:
(https://i.imgflip.com/hmvgi.jpg)
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Oh I agree 100%. My home was beyond broken. My father was gone before I was born. My mother was more interested in partying then raising a child. And every couple of months it was some new guy in the picture, and they ranged from bad to worse. I can remember the constant fighting and screaming, things being broken and doors slammin at 2am in the morning. Living in fear and uncertainty, powerless to stop any of it. I wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy. And Not having my father in my life brought me profound sadness that still hurts me to this day.
I'm in the same boat. I never knew my father, either, and in my childhood, I never wanted people to know. The ones who did know began treating me like I was emotionally crippled after finding out, and I resented it. Their sympathy brought me no comfort whatsoever. It made me feel abnormal. There were many times when I felt like I missed out by not having a father around, but I eventually started taking pride in what I became without one and realized things may not have necessarily been better with a father present.
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I don't mean to be crass, Chino, and not mention the rest of the story (thanks for sharing that by the way, I think it's cool that you trust all of us to share that. Hopefully everything works out)
But how exactly did you have sex in a 40 below cooler and still have all of the plumbing working? Wouldn't everything just turn into a raisin? More power to both of you, though. That's impressive and since I work in a grocery store and freezer in similar temps and have a work relationship of sorts, I gotta give you one of these:
We were quick. I didn't even finish. This was 8 or 9 years ago, and we were in a "let's see how many places we could do it" phase, and it was more about the novelty/checking off another place. Got behind a loaded u-boat, got a couple really good pumps in, and then we got out. It was literally like 15-20 seconds just to say we did.
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:lol
but seriously Chino, thanks for sharing something so personal. I feel really bad things went off rail with Victoria. It always seemed to me you really loved her by the way you talked of her here so that sucks to hear. Since it seems like you are still trying and love her, I hope something works out. And maybe this is too personal, but you've also been mentioning working a ton and wonder if this is related. Seems you got a lot of shit going on right now. So if the consensual sex is working, hey that sounds like a great way to get some stress relief during a really hectic time. Much better than Orchids of Asia if you ask me.
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:lol
but seriously Chino, thanks for sharing something so personal. I feel really bad things went off rail with Victoria. It always seemed to me you really loved her by the way you talked of her here so that sucks to hear. Since it seems like you are still trying and love her, I hope something works out. And maybe this is too personal, but you've also been mentioning working a ton and wonder if this is related. Seems you got a lot of shit going on right now. So if the consensual sex is working, hey that sounds like a great way to get some stress relief during a really hectic time. Much better than Orchids of Asia if you ask me.
Thanks dude. Yeah, the crazy hours are 100% related. I was left to pay a mortgage and maintain a home on a single income. I'm also trying to pay off the the debt I still have from my indoor farming endeavor. I just managed to pay off a debt collector last month that's been up my ass for an unexpected 5 night hospital stay (leg infection) in mid-2017. I'm slowly chipping away at it all.
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wow. Tough times man, keep at it and you'll pull through. The only thing I can really say that relates was when I went through my struggles 5 years ago (wow time flies) at the end, when the dust settled between my crazy work at the time, my ending the engagement and dealing with mortgage and all that stuff, and also dealing with a legal situation I was in, in the end, I came out a much stronger and better person so I'm sure you will as well.
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One really positive thing is that there is nowhere near as much takeout coming to my door. I really don't feel the need to eat that much, but V would constantly order food. I'd always end up getting something just because she was. I bought a treadmill (put that on a credit card too :mehlin) and have been trying to use that on days when I don't do my two mile walk on my lunch break. I've managed to drop about 40 lbs since she's moved out.
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For the record, that Dublin story is right up my alley. I think Irish women (meaning, women who live in Ireland) are, as a general proposition, very attractive.
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damn dude thats great to drop that much weight, and speaking of stopping the take out. This year I stopped ordering delivery, I think I got a pizza once this year, and have been buying cold cuts and just making sandwiches for dinner. My gf says I lost weight (maybe, I havent been weighing myself) but also, the amount of money I've been saving has been the real nice positive. Although I'm about to go on another work trip so I'm thinking of taking the gf out for a nice dinner somewhere tonight.
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For the record, that Dublin story is right up my alley. I think Irish women (meaning, women who live in Ireland) are, as a general proposition, very attractive.
I fell in love with the girls as much as I did the country. Plus, almost all of them would call me "darlin' " with that brogue of theirs, and I couldn't get enough of it. I met soooo many of them. Being there alone opened up all kinds of opportunity for discussion with them. It was so easy too. I'd just walk up, pretend I couldn't find my lighter, and ask if I could borrow theirs. They'd hear the American accent and be intrigued right off the bat. We'd chit chat a bit, talk about what I was doing there, and then the whole "I'm here alone on what was supposed to be a 5 year anniversary trip" would inevitably come up, and it was like shooting fish in a barrel. I approached, talked to, and hung out with more girls in my nine days over there than maybe ever back home :rollin
However, I was hoping to drown in a sea of red heads over there, but blonde seemed to be the dominate color. Apparently the large red head population in Ireland is a misconception, and it's more applicable to Scotland.
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damn dude thats great to drop that much weight, and speaking of stopping the take out. This year I stopped ordering delivery, I think I got a pizza once this year, and have been buying cold cuts and just making sandwiches for dinner. My gf says I lost weight (maybe, I havent been weighing myself) but also, the amount of money I've been saving has been the real nice positive. Although I'm about to go on another work trip so I'm thinking of taking the gf out for a nice dinner somewhere tonight.
We're heading to a Brazilian Steakhouse *drool*
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damn dude thats great to drop that much weight, and speaking of stopping the take out. This year I stopped ordering delivery, I think I got a pizza once this year, and have been buying cold cuts and just making sandwiches for dinner. My gf says I lost weight (maybe, I havent been weighing myself) but also, the amount of money I've been saving has been the real nice positive. Although I'm about to go on another work trip so I'm thinking of taking the gf out for a nice dinner somewhere tonight.
I find that eating out less makes when you do eat out far more enjoyable. It's like a little treat for yourself (and your girl).
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Maybe, I mean I still eat out for lunch at work every day so it's not like I am not going out, just cut it out completely from my dinners. I think we are just going to Texas Roadhouse so nothing special tonight really, not as good as Brazilian steakhouse.
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Goddamn Brian, I am sorry to hear that. Wishing you the best of luck. Like others, I see how much she means to ya. Shit like this is hard, but if things go down south, know that you are a sexy beast who kicks ass, takes names, and will get through it.
If things turn out positive, your relationship should be stronger for it.
Also... Dem Irish Girlz :heart
My gf says I lost weight
I checked out your Disturbed video recently and was actually thinking the same thing about you.
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But is it completely unreasonable to think that you might have two or maybe even three people that you care enough about to have meaningful, semi-regular sex, but have a main "life partner" with whom you share a home and a family and parenting responsibilities?
I have guy friends that I periodically go out and have drinks with, I have guy friends that I periodically go out to concerts with... is it so out of the mainstream to contemplate a scenario where I have girl friends I periodically go out and have sex with?
I guess it's not, but the way family life is set up would pretty soon kill it with logistics.
Say, hypothetically, there's no hard feelings, you and your partner are just co-parenting and you both get a hall pass to do whatever you want. Most people say they'd be very happy to have sexual relations once or twice a week. You can't bring a date into the family home. You share income as a family, so when she/he sees you've paid for a night at the hotel 6-8 times this month instead of the usual 4-5, does she/he have the right to be upset at you? Or, if you both pay shared bills and have the rest of your income as a discretionary fund, does your partner who earns less than you have the right to be upset you're spending your money wining and dining instead of saving up for a vacation or something fun for your kid? If money is not a problem, time is; married women will have a very easy time finding someone for casual sex, and men are on average less lucky even when they're not married, so when she always has five guys on rotation and you have one during a particularly good year, what will happen?
This is just me spending five minutes thinking about this :lol I'm sure I could find more reasons why people find it easier to bet it all on black, and then divorce in order to be able to find a second mate if it doesn't work out, than to do all of this.
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Sex with your significant other is better when you actually spend a few months with them. Don't wanna rain on anyone's parade, but I guarantee ya at least half of your one night stands were thinking "well okay now I can say I've done that, item checked off the list" after the night was over, and nothing more than that.
Being with someone who knows me, loves me and moves me, that's my jam, even without a harem of beautiful people just waiting outside my door :lol
I agree 100%. I can't speak for other guys, but I only ever enjoy sex if I actually care for someone. Only one time in my life did I have sex with someone I didn't love and it was like eating stale bread or drinking flat soda. Something felt really off about it and its something I will never do again. I like to get to know someone, build a bond and from that comes intimate relations. But that's just me.
But is it completely unreasonable to think that you might have two or maybe even three people that you care enough about to have meaningful, semi-regular sex, but have a main "life partner" with whom you share a home and a family and parenting responsibilities?
I have guy friends that I periodically go out and have drinks with, I have guy friends that I periodically go out to concerts with... is it so out of the mainstream to contemplate a scenario where I have girl friends I periodically go out and have sex with?
(Full disclosure; this is hypothetical and talking generally. I don't have a "set up" like this and nor do I have the constitution to pull it off, I don't think. But it's worth contemplating. And categorically, I am not talking about polygamy here.)
Is it possible for someone to make that situation work? Sure. Anything is possible. But I can only speak for myself, which I can not.
If people are able to make that scenario work and all parties are cool with the situation, then more power to them. I have no interest in participating in that. I want one partner at a time and it doesn't need to be a formal marriage. It can just be a long term relationship and when it ends, it ends.
I guess it's not, but the way family life is set up would pretty soon kill it with logistics.
Say, hypothetically, there's no hard feelings, you and your partner are just co-parenting and you both get a hall pass to do whatever you want. Most people say they'd be very happy to have sexual relations once or twice a week. You can't bring a date into the family home. You share income as a family, so when she/he sees you've paid for a night at the hotel 6-8 times this month instead of the usual 4-5, does she/he have the right to be upset at you? Or, if you both pay shared bills and have the rest of your income as a discretionary fund, does your partner who earns less than you have the right to be upset you're spending your money wining and dining instead of saving up for a vacation or something fun for your kid? If money is not a problem, time is; married women will have a very easy time finding someone for casual sex, and men are on average less lucky even when they're not married, so when she always has five guys on rotation and you have one during a particularly good year, what will happen?
This is just me spending five minutes thinking about this :lol I'm sure I could find more reasons why people find it easier to bet it all on black, and then divorce in order to be able to find a second mate if it doesn't work out, than to do all of this.
I agree with all of that. I personally could not make it work logistically, and don't want to. Trying to keep one relationship healthy and happy is difficult enough, and I don't have the energy to go beyond that.
And the bolded part is a very important point as well, and something guys don't really think about when the subject of an open relationship comes up. I'm in my early 30s and I've had sex with two women total in my life and both those relationships were separated by a couple years of being single. We are sitting here talking about having a couple of people on the side of the main relationship, when I don't even have a main relationship, :lol. (and not really even looking for one honestly).
As I've said before, If i don't have strong feelings for someone or feel a connection to them, then I won't fuck them. Period, end of story. But more power to people that want to spin plates. If you can make that work and are able to attract multiple women at a time to be with, then go for it.
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TheCount’s seven step guide to going out:
1: Pick one of your local bars as your place of inhabitance for the evening.
2: Head over to your selected destination for a planned night of fun.
3: Start taking to a beautiful woman or person of interest.
4: Panic because your anxiety tells you that you’re not good enough.
5: Become cold and antisocial until they talk to someone else.
6: Leave the bar alone and dejected.
7: Rinse and repeat.
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^^ Wow. Sounds like my love life would be like if I was going to my favorite bar often, but I don't go to bars.
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TheCount’s seven step guide to going out:
1: Pick one of your local bars as your place of inhabitance for the evening.
2: Head over to your selected destination for a planned night of fun.
3: Start taking to a beautiful woman or person of interest.
4: Panic because your anxiety tells you that you’re not good enough.
5: Become cold and antisocial until they talk to someone else.
6: Leave the bar alone and dejected.
7: Rinse and repeat.
'
You forgot step 6a, which I won't spell out here in the name of decency. ;)
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He also forgot the step where you remind yourself to bring some condoms that ultimately never get used :lol
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He also forgot the step where you remind yourself to bring some condoms that ultimately never get used :lol
My gf found my old condom stash from before we started getting serious Haha what was I thinking with such a large stash :rollin they had all expired
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And the bolded part is a very important point as well, and something guys don't really think about when the subject of an open relationship comes up. I'm in my early 30s and I've had sex with two women total in my life and both those relationships were separated by a couple years of being single. We are sitting here talking about having a couple of people on the side of the main relationship, when I don't even have a main relationship, :lol. (and not really even looking for one honestly).
Same. Whenever a guy says "well obviously finding a woman I'm gonna love for a few decades is unrealistic, so I'm gonna fuck everyone I want and it will work out all the same", I just think, man, you must be either very attractive or extremely charming or both :lol
Though I have to say, just because it's easier for women on average to get casual sex, it doesn't mean it's always a walk in the park in the relationship world for us like guys assume. I have a few fairly attractive friends (really, I know everyone thinks their friends are cute but these are some pretty, fit, smart, outgoing girls) who are still either virgins or fairly inexperienced in their late twenties. When the rest of us were first getting out there, they had extenuating circumstances that prevented them from doing that (strict parents, living in small towns, being into guys who were with someone else, etc), then they hoped someone would come around in college, and now they're adults with responsibilities who pretty much don't even know what they want out of a relationship, or a casual thing. And people saying "well just go to a bar and pick up the first semi-cute guy and get it over with" don't really get the problem. They can accept a drink and wave back, or flirt around a little, or make out, or even set up a first date, but when a guy says "great, when can I see you again" it always seems to fizzle out between the two dates in the chatroom.
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So I had quite a traumatic experience last year. I matched on Tinder with a Polish woman who visted for the weekend (I live in Sweden). However, we didn't actually start talking until after she went back home. Go figure.
But we still talked for days on end and it felt like something was there so eventually, we set up a date. I was to fly to Poland and she rented an apartment for the weekend. Yeah, one of the scariest thing I've ever done but I just thought, what the heck. I'm normally a coward and don't really take risks like this and this was an opportunity to do just that.
So I flew down there and we had a somewhat nice weekend. I say "somewhat" because I didn't really feel that same connection when we actually met. However, she did, so when the weekend was over, I had the painful job of telling her I didn't want to see her again, when she was still very much interested. I hate hurting people like that, but yeah...sometimes you have to.
This could have ended there but it didn't...she contacted me a little while later to tell me she was pregnant. And the nightmare begun. Before I continue, I should probably say that I don't ever want kids with anyone and my previous partners has all been on the same page as me concerning that. So this was a nightmare on multiple levels.
And here's the thing - abortion is forbidden by law in Poland. So we came to the conclusion that she was gonna travel to Sweden and perform the operation here. Not an unusual arrangement per se - since the laws are what they are, lots of women travel to neighboor countries to do this procedure. But what made this even more painful was how she started acting more or less like a psychopath. She could be sweet and calm one second, and absolutely mad the very next, telling me that she was gonna have the child and force me to pay alimony. She said some horrible things to me those weeks...and I was depressed and felt like a horrible person.
In the end, she actually travelled here and stayed with me for a few days. That was the hardest part of it all, because she said and did some even more horrible things...she freaked out multiple times and destroyed glasses and plates and one time, she tried to force herself on me, threatening to not go through with the procedure if didn't do what she said.
It was hell...but she actually went through with it in the end. I went with her to the airport and a few days later, I blocked her from every possible social media I could think of. And since then, I've been trying to heal and get back on my feet. It's been tough - I've been told for months on end I'm a horrible human being and that I don't deserve anything good in my life. But with the help of my friends, I'm slowly getting back on my feet again. And I think I want to start dating again. Even though sex could potentially freak me out. :lol But I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
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Wow Lynxo that sounds like an absolute nightmare :-X I mentioned earlier that most women aren't super up for casual, one night stand sex because of the strong physical consequences it can bring, and I wish more men would think about these consequences as well. With all the protection in the world, pregnancy happens, and then all you can do is pray you were doing it with someone who looks at unwanted pregnancy the same way, and as a childfree guy you have a lot at stake here. So it's worth getting to know your person just a little bit better. You can't force anyone to have an abortion or carry a child they don't want just the same, and they can't force you to help rear a child you don't want, but some people, be they men or women, go on a complete power trip once they gain a little bit of relationship leverage. She saw you really don't want to have a child, she was fine either way so she went completely crazy on you because she felt like she could :tdwn and attempted sexual assault, I mean :( :( :( >:( that's not a person who should become a mother and frankly she should get some therapy before she even thinks of seeing another guy. But that's not your problem.
Once again I'm really sorry that happened to you :sadpanda: It's good you're healing and getting rid of your trust issues - I'd suggest you to keep just a hint of the trust issues, enough to carefully vet the next relationship :tup
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Wow Lynxo that sounds like an absolute nightmare :-X I mentioned earlier that most women aren't super up for casual, one night stand sex because of the strong physical consequences it can bring, and I wish more men would think about these consequences as well. With all the protection in the world, pregnancy happens, and then all you can do is pray you were doing it with someone who looks at unwanted pregnancy the same way, and as a childfree guy you have a lot at stake here. So it's worth getting to know your person just a little bit better. You can't force anyone to have an abortion or carry a child they don't want just the same, and they can't force you to help rear a child you don't want, but some people, be they men or women, go on a complete power trip once they gain a little bit of relationship leverage. She saw you really don't want to have a child, she was fine either way so she went completely crazy on you because she felt like she could :tdwn and attempted sexual assault, I mean :( :( :( >:( that's not a person who should become a mother and frankly she should get some therapy before she even thinks of seeing another guy. But that's not your problem.
Once again I'm really sorry that happened to you :sadpanda: It's good you're healing and getting rid of your trust issues - I'd suggest you to keep just a hint of the trust issues, enough to carefully vet the next relationship :tup
Thanks for the advice. ❤️ I should probably add that we did use condoms but I guess we got unlucky...
Yeah I could never force anyone anything in that situation - in the end, it’s her body. But that obviously doesn’t excuse her behavior. My friends think she’s a psychopath - that any sameness person doesn’t behave that way. But I’ll never know.
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Damn Lynxo that's practically everyone's worst nightmare. Is there any chance she was faking you out though? As in, the baby wasnt yours or maybe she never actually was pregnant but just trying to get money or something out of you?
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Yeah I could never force anyone anything in that situation - in the end, it’s her body. But that obviously doesn’t excuse her behavior. My friends think she’s a psychopath - that any sameness person doesn’t behave that way. But I’ll never know.
Yeah, of course. I'm thinking like a sane person - if I get pregnant accidentally, and I really wanna have the baby, and I'm not in a relationship, I know there's a big chance the father won't have anything to do with it. Women who have objections to abortion AND single parenthood obviously don't have casual hookups, because they know if shit happens, chances are they're all alone with the consequences. So she wasn't thinking sanely at all.
Is there any chance she was faking you out though? As in, the baby wasnt yours or maybe she never actually was pregnant but just trying to get money or something out of you?
And this is also a strong possibility.
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Damn Lynxo that's practically everyone's worst nightmare. Is there any chance she was faking you out though? As in, the baby wasnt yours or maybe she never actually was pregnant but just trying to get money or something out of you?
First thing I thought of.
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Damn Lynxo that's practically everyone's worst nightmare. Is there any chance she was faking you out though? As in, the baby wasnt yours or maybe she never actually was pregnant but just trying to get money or something out of you?
That has been suggested to me by friends but it seems unlikely - she paid for the flight to Sweden herself and while I paid for the procedure, it is such an insignificant amount of money it hardly seems worth it to pressure me to pay it.
Other than that, she got nothing from me.
But if she had some sort of diagnosis as I suspect, it might have made more sense in her head. Who knows.
Edit: I should also add that she was definitely pregnant. I was there when the doctor examined her.
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Damn Lynxo that's practically everyone's worst nightmare. Is there any chance she was faking you out though? As in, the baby wasnt yours or maybe she never actually was pregnant but just trying to get money or something out of you?
First thing I thought of.
Same here.
She sounds nuts from the behavior Lynxo described, so its with-in the realm of reason that she doing a fake out.
And its not like a girl can pregnant every day of the month. There's a limited window for a chance to get pregnant. Its not guaranteed, for those few days with-in the window.
(https://www.verywellfamily.com/thmb/Na1eHQdWXgGrsKQhqc6R6owD32I=/1500x1000/filters:no_upscale()/1960235-how-long-does-ovulation-last-01-5ae09af91f4e130039d80d9e.png)
Regardless, that was a very difficult thing to go through Lynxo
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TheCount’s seven step guide to going out:
1: Pick one of your local bars as your place of inhabitance for the evening.
2: Head over to your selected destination for a planned night of fun.
3: Start taking to a beautiful woman or person of interest.
4: Panic because your anxiety tells you that you’re not good enough.
5: Become cold and antisocial until they talk to someone else.
6: Leave the bar alone and dejected.
7: Rinse and repeat.
'
You forgot step 6a, which I won't spell out here in the name of decency. ;)
That’s where the rinse and repeat comes in...
All joking aside though, I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks. I think this winter weather is really starting to take its toll on me, so hopefully the springtime weather brings along a little bit of perspective and normalcy back to my mental state, because right now I’m in a pretty crappy place.
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So I had quite a traumatic experience last year. I matched on Tinder with a Polish woman who visted for the weekend (I live in Sweden). However, we didn't actually start talking until after she went back home. Go figure.
But we still talked for days on end and it felt like something was there so eventually, we set up a date. I was to fly to Poland and she rented an apartment for the weekend. Yeah, one of the scariest thing I've ever done but I just thought, what the heck. I'm normally a coward and don't really take risks like this and this was an opportunity to do just that.
So I flew down there and we had a somewhat nice weekend. I say "somewhat" because I didn't really feel that same connection when we actually met. However, she did, so when the weekend was over, I had the painful job of telling her I didn't want to see her again, when she was still very much interested. I hate hurting people like that, but yeah...sometimes you have to.
This could have ended there but it didn't...she contacted me a little while later to tell me she was pregnant. And the nightmare begun. Before I continue, I should probably say that I don't ever want kids with anyone and my previous partners has all been on the same page as me concerning that. So this was a nightmare on multiple levels.
And here's the thing - abortion is forbidden by law in Poland. So we came to the conclusion that she was gonna travel to Sweden and perform the operation here. Not an unusual arrangement per se - since the laws are what they are, lots of women travel to neighboor countries to do this procedure. But what made this even more painful was how she started acting more or less like a psychopath. She could be sweet and calm one second, and absolutely mad the very next, telling me that she was gonna have the child and force me to pay alimony. She said some horrible things to me those weeks...and I was depressed and felt like a horrible person.
In the end, she actually travelled here and stayed with me for a few days. That was the hardest part of it all, because she said and did some even more horrible things...she freaked out multiple times and destroyed glasses and plates and one time, she tried to force herself on me, threatening to not go through with the procedure if didn't do what she said.
It was hell...but she actually went through with it in the end. I went with her to the airport and a few days later, I blocked her from every possible social media I could think of. And since then, I've been trying to heal and get back on my feet. It's been tough - I've been told for months on end I'm a horrible human being and that I don't deserve anything good in my life. But with the help of my friends, I'm slowly getting back on my feet again. And I think I want to start dating again. Even though sex could potentially freak me out. :lol But I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
In the future, if you don't want kids, maybe you shouldn't be hitting it "raw dog", especially with tinder dates that you admittedly don't even like that much.
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So I had quite a traumatic experience last year. I matched on Tinder with a Polish woman who visted for the weekend (I live in Sweden). However, we didn't actually start talking until after she went back home. Go figure.
But we still talked for days on end and it felt like something was there so eventually, we set up a date. I was to fly to Poland and she rented an apartment for the weekend. Yeah, one of the scariest thing I've ever done but I just thought, what the heck. I'm normally a coward and don't really take risks like this and this was an opportunity to do just that.
So I flew down there and we had a somewhat nice weekend. I say "somewhat" because I didn't really feel that same connection when we actually met. However, she did, so when the weekend was over, I had the painful job of telling her I didn't want to see her again, when she was still very much interested. I hate hurting people like that, but yeah...sometimes you have to.
This could have ended there but it didn't...she contacted me a little while later to tell me she was pregnant. And the nightmare begun. Before I continue, I should probably say that I don't ever want kids with anyone and my previous partners has all been on the same page as me concerning that. So this was a nightmare on multiple levels.
And here's the thing - abortion is forbidden by law in Poland. So we came to the conclusion that she was gonna travel to Sweden and perform the operation here. Not an unusual arrangement per se - since the laws are what they are, lots of women travel to neighboor countries to do this procedure. But what made this even more painful was how she started acting more or less like a psychopath. She could be sweet and calm one second, and absolutely mad the very next, telling me that she was gonna have the child and force me to pay alimony. She said some horrible things to me those weeks...and I was depressed and felt like a horrible person.
In the end, she actually travelled here and stayed with me for a few days. That was the hardest part of it all, because she said and did some even more horrible things...she freaked out multiple times and destroyed glasses and plates and one time, she tried to force herself on me, threatening to not go through with the procedure if didn't do what she said.
It was hell...but she actually went through with it in the end. I went with her to the airport and a few days later, I blocked her from every possible social media I could think of. And since then, I've been trying to heal and get back on my feet. It's been tough - I've been told for months on end I'm a horrible human being and that I don't deserve anything good in my life. But with the help of my friends, I'm slowly getting back on my feet again. And I think I want to start dating again. Even though sex could potentially freak me out. :lol But I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
In the future, if you don't want kids, maybe you shouldn't be hitting it "raw dog", especially with tinder dates that you admittedly don't even like that much.
He mentioned later in the thread that he did use condoms...
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Going on a date tomorrow, and I’m super excited. I’ve been friends with this girl for a little over a year and we both just started to realize that there were mutual feelings. I actually mustered up the courage to ask her out, and we’ve been really hitting it off. Here’s hoping that I don’t have to post in this thread for a long time.
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Good luck, have fun and be yourself
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Remember: Don't show her your penis unless she asks.
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Remember: Don't show her your penis unless she asks signs the waiver first.
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Remember: Don't show her your penis unless she asks signs the waiver first.
Have a notary and in independent witness present as well, just in case.
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Remember: Don't show her your penis unless she asks signs the waiver first.
Have a notary and in independent witness present as well, just in case.
Nah I know she wants to take it slow and I’m gonna respect that.
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Remember: Don't show her your penis unless she asks signs the waiver first.
Have a notary and in independent witness present as well, just in case.
Or take her on a date at a courthouse, that way the judge, jury, and lawyers are all right there ready to go.
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I’m going to really put myself out there and sound like a moron, but I just want to express what’s been going on and you guys are great to talk to and I couldn’t think of another place to put it. Anyways, this girl that I’ve talked about in this thread before (like three years ago or so). We work together and in the three years since I’ve last talked about it, we still really haven’t done anything, but we’ve hung out outside of work and I think just about everyone that works at our store thinks we date. I’ve had one of the employees in the meat department tell me that people have asked about us and are wondering when someone is finally going to make a move (me personally, I think we’re just both afraid to do anything).
This is where I’m going to sound stupid.
About a month ago, she became distant, moody, irritable, and just would have random angry outbursts. I said to myself, “Oh, it’s that time of the month. This has happened before, I’m gonna give it a few days and all will be good.” This started on a Thursday, then it was Easter, so I didn’t see her until Monday. On a normal morning, we get there around the same time. I’ll usually be working on something in an aisle, when she gets there before she starts working on something, she’ll usually come over and say hi, sometimes we talk for awhile, but it’s just usually good small talk. The Monday after Easter, she comes over and says hi, but there’s no small talk. She just says she’s gonna go sleepwalk through the milk cooler and get some stuff done. I can tell she’s still tired and kinda moody. Still going on, that’s fine, this will blow over.
Since that Monday (the 22nd of April), there’s been days where she’ll still come over and say hi, other days I won’t see her for awhile and when we do talk she is just so distant, the conversation is very quick and sometimes I can tell she’s having bad headaches. Two weeks after that, she disappears into the bathroom for a little while and she comes out, she’s like a new woman. Our conversation is happy and she’s talking about her family again, namely her niece, and she’ll do an impression of her conversation with her from the weekend. I breathe a sigh of relief. Things are normal again. The rest of that day was good. Next day, it was right back to being what it was the week prior, she’s distant and tired. This has continued since that day. There’s moments where she’s normal and we seem to get along great. Then shortly thereafter, it’s right back to tired and irritable.
Part of me wants to just say “Hey, if I said or did something that hurt you or made you mad, I just want to say I’m sorry” But then there’s the fact that she has been mad at me before. Like “Get the hell away from me” angry or “I don’t want to talk to you right now” angry. When she’s mad at me, she won’t say a word to me. She’ll just keep walking right by me. We work the same shift, so we leave together. We’ll wait for each other if one of us isn’t ready, or we’ll help each other so we can leave. When she’s angry at me, she won’t wait. This has rarely happened, but she’ll have no interest in being around me when it does happen. She’ll just go. This past month, there seems to be a feeling of “Don’t leave without me” from her. No matter how shitty of a day it’s been between us, she’ll still tell me she’s done with everything or that she’s ready to leave.
Tonight, I think we said a total of maybe 15 words to each other and she didn’t say hi this morning, she just went right to work. We still left together. I walked ahead of her, but she forgot something in the cooler and walked back to grab it, I just kept walking. I waited for her right by the swinging doors before the back door to the parking lot.
Me____________________________Her
____________________________
When she came out of the cooler, she didn’t know where I went, and I could see her expression was “Where did Ted go?” She locked eyes with me and kind of smiled and started walking towards me. I feel like she was kind of relieved that I was still sticking around waiting for her. This may seem inconsequential and meaningless, but I feel like if she was mad at me, she wouldn’t care if I was waiting and I feel like she would tell me just to leave without her or vice versa, she just leaves.
I just feel like I should say something. I just don’t know what. If it is a really bad period, I don’t want to make her mad by making it seem like she can’t be herself and can’t have her own emotions around me. On the flipside, if she is mad at me and not saying anything about, I really don’t want to alienate her from me and ruin what I feel like could be a future. We’re super close when everything is good between us. Obviously we give off a vibe that multiple employees have asked me about us.
Where I feel stupid is asking the question: “Can a period/cycle be so bad that your whole mood for a month is just negative and angry and you’re tired all the time?” I’ve never had to deal with this before really.
In this situation, what do I say? How do I throw out an apology without sounding like a needy person? I just can’t think of anything I’ve said in the past month that would make her mad to the point that she’s mad at me for this long. This all started a month ago on a Thursday. I worked Tuesday and everything was great. I don’t work Wednesday. Come back Thursday, it’s been downhill or middling since.
I’m sorry for the long post, but it felt good to write it out.
Thanks guys.
Also, she’s 33 If that helps out at all.
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Where I feel stupid is asking the question: “Can a period/cycle be so bad that your whole mood for a month is just negative and angry and you’re tired all the time?” I’ve never had to deal with this before really.
A period can make you angry and moody for the duration of a period, because you're experiencing a lot of discomfort and don't have the energy to manage your emotions and responses and be pleasant to everyone all the time. This doesn't sound like that, and it doesn't sound like she's angry at you (the world doesn't revolve around you!). Personally, I'd wait til you start walking away from work at the end of your shift and say something like "hey, I noticed recently you've been moodier and tired, is something going on that I can help you with? wanna do something fun together this weekend to get your mind off things?"
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Where I feel stupid is asking the question: “Can a period/cycle be so bad that your whole mood for a month is just negative and angry and you’re tired all the time?” I’ve never had to deal with this before really.
A period can make you angry and moody for the duration of a period, because you're experiencing a lot of discomfort and don't have the energy to manage your emotions and responses and be pleasant to everyone all the time. This doesn't sound like that, and it doesn't sound like she's angry at you (the world doesn't revolve around you!). Personally, I'd wait til you start walking away from work at the end of your shift and say something like "hey, I noticed recently you've been moodier and tired, is something going on that I can help you with? wanna do something fun together this weekend to get your mind off things?"
That was going to be my suggestions. Though I wouldn't use the word "Moodier and tired", I would maybe use "you haven't been yourself lately". But yeah, suggest something for you guys to do to get her mind off of things.
Also 3 years and nothing? what are you waiting for?
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That was going to be my suggestions. Though I wouldn't use the word "Moodier and tired", I would maybe use "you haven't been yourself lately". But yeah, suggest something for you guys to do to get her mind off of things.
My thoughts exactly. Don't use the term "moodier".
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I mean this to be friendly, a sort of "DTF kick in the ass", but if you guys are in your 30's, a little directness isn't going to hurt anything at this point. I think Mora nailed it with the recent behavior - "Anything you want to talk about, anything I can help you with?" - and as for the bigger picture, I don't know; unless you like precisely where you're at, a direct approach isn't going to end the world.
I look at it this way: if you want MORE with this woman, she ought to be worth it. FOR ME - your mileage may vary - "worth it" means, in part, being able to speak your mind freely, including "I want to make out" (or whatever tack you take). In other words, if you put your heart out there and she tramples it, one, I'm so sorry (shouldn't have listened to some dude on the interwebs!) and two, that perhaps wasn't the girl for you. And "coworker" doesn't fly, because you said you've already broken the fourth wall and gone out outside of work and everyone already thinks you're "dating".
(Kidding about the first one, not at all joking about the second.)
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Are you going out with her or not?
Have you had sex with her? Have you kissed her? anything at all physical?
If not, then you are in the friendzone, and I wouldn't waste anymore time with this. The friendzone is desert wasteland and a man can drive himself mad trying to get out. If its been 3 years, then she has already made up her mind about you. There's no more mystery to you. and There's billions of other women out there that you can start fresh with. Do not cause yourself anymore pain, seriously. The length of your post already tells me that this is weighing heavy on you.
And stop trying to apologize. You didn't do anything. (http://If you want a girl to like you or even respect you, then don't be so needy and clingy). Be strong, confident, decisive and stop constantly worrying about what she is thinking about you. If she's in a mood, she's in a mood. It is what it is.
And if you are wondering, "Why isn't she hot for me?" then ask yourself, "what is actually attractive about me?"
Are you in shape? Do you eat well and take care of yourself? Do you have cool hobbies and passions that you dedicate your time to? What are you doing career wise? Are you going to try and do anything besides a grocery store? Are you an alpha or a beta?
If the answer is no, then start changing that. Go to the gym. Get in shape. Start pursuing your passions. Make yourself into someone that a girl actually wants to be with. And just for the record, A partner should compliment your life, not be the sole focus. You will set yourself up for some severe pain if you make your partner the sole focus of your life.
Don't chase her. Be somebody worth being with and if she's interested, then she will come to you. And if not, then big whoop, like I said there's billions of other girls out there. Move on to the next one. DO NOT sit there and have One-itis. Another massive mistake that young men make.
And I'm sorry if any of this hurts your feelings, but I will never bullshit you. You are 25 so I don't expect you to know any of this shit yet. I sure as hell didn't know at 25, but I know it damn well at 32 and I wish someone would have told me. This exact situation I put myself through when I was your age, so I don't want to see it keep happening.
**And also, I totally agree with Stadler. And Mora made good points as well.
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Hey guys, thanks for all the responses. I’m not gonna lie, I felt a whole hell of a lot better after writing everything out. Maybe that’s all I needed. I woke up and read Mora’s response and it really stuck with me when you said “The world doesn’t revolve around you” It’s true and I thought about the fact that there’s still interactions, there’s still leaving together, there’s still normal conversation. It’s just sparse and not as interactive.
I ended up not saying anything to her today because although she was distant this morning, she opened up a bit more later on and at the end of the day, we had a nice conversation and joked around. It felt good. There’s a manager at our store that we both aren’t a fan of. She leaned in and whispered in my ear as he walked by that she was getting sick of him. We laughed, it felt like a normal day.
And I totally understand the whole idea of I’m wasting my time. I get the friendzone concept. A guy at work that I’ve known for 18 years, I consider him a brother, used to tell me that it was a waste of time, but he’s come around and sees something there. He too wouldn’t lie to me about that.
It’s a complicated situation. It’s my family’s store, we’re a small store, my dad’s the boss. He’s made it known that he’s not a fan of store relationships (oddly enough, because he met my mom while working together at another store). She’s also a very private person. Like I said, she’s 33 and to be honest, I don’t think she’s ever been in a relationship. She still lives with her parents. As far as I know, she doesn’t have any friends except through her sister’s social circle (whom she’s told me she’s not really a fan of and her old roommates (met through her sister). She’s not an impulsive person. Last year when we were talking about relationships, I said that I’m not the kind of guy that wants to jump in a relationship, I’d rather take it slow and see where it goes, she said she was glad that I said—she was the same way. People’s general reaction to her is that she’s cold, quiet, and, for lack of a better term, weird. To me, she’s the funniest person I know. She’s the complete package—smart, funny, beautiful, and creative.
I appreciate all the comments though, it really means a lot. And don’t worry Phoenix, I don’t take any offense to what you said. I appreciate it! Usually, I don’t let this stuff get me down, but for some reason this whole thing has been getting me down. The post probably was a bit longwinded, but I’ve been bottling it up and didn’t want to get to a point where I was beating myself up over it. Also, after writing out the post, I felt a bit petty. She’s moody, she can act the way she wants, I just need to move on with my life and this will blow over. I’m optimistic.
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I get the friendzone concept. A guy at work that I’ve known for 18 years, I consider him a brother, used to tell me that it was a waste of time, but he’s come around and sees something there.
Let me just point out one thing. It doesn't matter if your friend thinks there's something there. It doesn't matter if everyone you know thinks you'd be great together or that they think she likes you too. None of that means jackshit. I was in a friendzone-like situation many years ago and I remember feeling so good when my friends asked how things were with her or confirmed they thought she liked me too. All that was doing was distracting me from reality, which was that we weren't together and that I was too chickenshit to ask her out or tell her how I felt.
My honest, frank advice for what it's worth: the next time you see her, tell her you like her and that you'd like to take her out on a date this weekend. Don't make a huge deal about it, but be obvious that you're asking her out in a romantic way and not just as friends. Stop wasting your time overanalyzing everything and wondering how she feels. Fucking ask her!
Don't waste another day hoping for more. Make it happen. If she doesn't say yes today, she's not going to say yes tomorrow, or next week, or next month. If she does say yes, you get to see where it goes today instead of tomorrow or next week, or next month.
You have nothing to lose. Just do it man!
This is advice I very much wish I would have followed 16 years ago.
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I have a man-crush on Lordxizor right now.
That is gold. Not suggesting it's necessarily "easy" to do, but the friendzone happens, largely, from taking the easy way out in the first place, and a lot of what follows is just "rationalizing".
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I have a man-crush on Lordxizor right now.
That is gold. Not suggesting it's necessarily "easy" to do, but the friendzone happens, largely, from taking the easy way out in the first place, and a lot of what follows is just "rationalizing".
I'd never friendzone you.
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Don't waste another day hoping for more. Make it happen. If she doesn't say yes today, she's not going to say yes tomorrow, or next week, or next month. If she does say yes, you get to see where it goes today instead of tomorrow or next week, or next month.
Yeah, I mean... same. From everything you told us, it seems like it's ready to all pour out into the open. You both get all the excitement and anticipation of the early stages of a relationship right now, and all the validation of a deep emotional friendship that develops later too, without saying or doing anything too risky or forward. That's nice (I've had platonic friendships that worked like that, because I or the other party couldn't get involved at the time), but you're both human people who'd also like to make out, bone, or get married some day, so why not take a risk and see if it can work out with each other? Maybe she doesn't want it, maybe she prefers getting her emotional warm fuzzies through an extremely close friendship with you without going out of her comfort zone. That's nice. And maybe you don't wanna risk the friendship. But if you don't get this closure and either get together or proceed into a normal, less attached friendship, as soon as her or you get another interesting relationship prospect, that friendship is getting dropped like a hot potato (oh, I've been dropped a lot), because suddenly you will have what you actually needed with this friendship. Risk it. Ask her out. Do it.
That is, if you don't wanna make it weird at your job. But it's already weird with people thinking you're dating...
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That is, if you don't wanna make it weird at your job. But it's already weird with people thinking you're dating...
That's another really good point that was on my mind as well. I will absolutely never get involved with someone at work again. And here are two examples why:
Example A - When I was early 20's, almost identical to this situation. Girl I was sort of friendly with, but nothing established yet. I was in the friendzone, but did not know it. I asked her out, and made it known I was looking to date. Now that I spilled the beans that I was romantically interested, she became SUPER distant and would now completely avoid me, since she did not have those feelings. Made work super awkward.
Example B- 3 years ago, The girl I was engaged to and was in a long term relationship for years with. We did work together and when the relationship went bad, and ended extremely bad, having to work together was a nightmare. Now, not only was it Awkward, but extremely painful too. Thank god, I was able to get a different job and haven't had to see her since. Its extremely hard to get closure and move on when you are seeing a person you truly loved on a regular basis. And the look in their eyes is no longer "I love you with all my heart", its now "I feel nothing for you". I have felt no greater pain in my life.
Now that's just me. Of course, do what you feel is right for you. I'm just throwing out some food for thought for consideration.
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I get the work stuff - I've experienced that too, and won't again, for various reasons - but based on what I've read, we've already steamrolled past that stage.
Bottom line is, SystematicThought needs to be really honest with himself, and ask: "Can I live like this for the next five, ten years". If the answer is "yes", well, we the peanut gallery needs to shut the hell up (myself foremost). If it's ANY other answer, then he's got limited choices, and the best one is by far to "act".
What if she shows up next week and says "I was at the dentist, and met the man of my dreams. Holy f***, this is IT! Aren't you happy for me?" What are you going to say/do/think? If there is any shred of "I shoulda..." then you need to act.
What if she DOESN'T show up next week and someone who knows her says "Yeah, she bought a bus ticket to LA and said she's pursuing her dream of being a dead call girl on NCIS before Mark Harmon retires for good." What are you going to say/do/think? If there is any shred of "I shoulda..." then you need to act.
I could do this all day long. I know for me - and you may be very different - there is not ONE girl I regret sharing my feelings with (even if it went nowhere), but there is more than one that I think "I shoulda...". Don't be Stadler. ;)
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...
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WARNING, super long and personal story below:
So I am back to being a member of the lonely hearts club. My gf of 2+ years and 3 years since our first date dumped me last week. It was a total shock and hurt so much.
Lets start by saying I was very unsure about relationships starting this one. I previously had ended an engagement with my college girl and our nine year relationship 5 years ago. I went single for 2 years dating many women and really just thinking I'd probably never find the right one. I ended every single "relationship" with girls I met because I always found a flaw that made me think I couldn't spend the rest of my life with that person so I'd move on. I had met this girl though and after months of dating, there was nothing to complain about. In fact I enjoyed our time so much, I totally stopped talking to any other girls and became hooked on her. I was still really unsure about being in a relationship although I had kind of already committed myself, eventually we talked more about it and agreed to become a couple.
Two awesome years flew by, I don't think we even had our first argument until after a year of dating, we just got along so well. Even then, we just laughed it off in a way. We would discuss it and quickly resolve the issue and think, wow this is how we fight? This is great, we just talk about it upfront and move on. I knew communication was something I was poor with in my past relationship. Thought I had always been so open and honest with her that it would lead to things being great together.
This year comes along and it's her last semester in grad school (and she works a full time job as well) so she is super busy and stressed. My year starts off crazy busy at work and I had to travel for about 3 out of 5 weeks at one point. I was super busy and when I got back from all my travels (I haven't had any trips for a couple months now) I was burnt out. I had little desire to do anything besides just the basic, let's chill. I didn't realize, but I think this played a huge role in her feelings.
Meanwhile, she was super busy so she often wouldn't be able to hang out much but we saw each other at least twice a week but we wouldn't do much, watch tv and go to sleep or whatever. Sex was fine, nothing crazy but it existed so I don't think that played a role here although I do wonder since she was a virgin if maybe it did play a role in her long term thoughts. I know for me, I was satisfied for sure with sex. Anyway, over the course of these few months, she had asked me to like go to a park or go out with her friends once or twice and I had shot these things down, I had not wanted to do anything. She once invited me to dinner at her parents but like dinner was in 10 minutes and I had said nah I'm not ready to go out. I know I was kind of in a depressed burnt out state in general and she seemed to be as well.
Two months ago, my brother notifies me that he is moving out of my house and in with his gf. Good for him, and it's no issue for me although it sucks to lose his rent payments, having my whole house to myself I thought would be nice too, especialyl since when my gf was over and his gf were over, it would be kind of annoying at times. Regardless, this opened the door for my gf to eventually move in. She had brought it up before and my answer then was we will talk more about it once my brother is gone. So knowing this, we eventually had this conversation where I asked her if she would move in eventually, not immediately because I kind of wanted time with the house plus she needed to finish school and hopefully get a new job. So this conversation didn't go well, at all.
I asked her about moving in and out came some things she had been hiding I guess. She said she was contemplating ending the relationship for months and was unhappy. Now, I know we were/are both burnt out but I didn't take that as her unhappy with me or our relationships, we still had a lot of fun together just chilling. So I am just shocked. Her only issue for her unhappiness she says is because I haven't put enough effort into spending time with her friends and family. This is true, no doubt. But she had asked me what, like 2 times over the last 5 months to do anything? It just didn't make much sense, she broke up with me and it was a tough two days.
We talked and agreed this was not what we wanted. It made no sense to me. We had such a perfect relationship and were just about to move forward, something she expressed she wanted before. Well, she said I need to try harder, fine. I do and I will. Betwen then and last week, she had asked me once to go out with her friends. I did, it was fine. Her friends are super cool, I like them a lot, I just struggle sometimes with large groups of people I don't know well. I get a bit socially awkward. Whatever, I kept it cool and the night was fine. Had a few beers and we went home and enjoyed the rest of our night together that night. Come last week, she's acting distant and I ask her whats wrong so she says she needs to come over.
She breaks up with me, right to the point quickly. Says I don't put enough effort and I say, how cna you even say that when you didnt give it time and I did go out the one time she asked. She said I didn't stay out long enough that night? ??? The night was fine, she didn't complain when we left nor the rest of the night when we chilled at my house. She leaves and we go 5 days wtihout talking. I was realyl struggling dealing wtih this internally but just kept thinking, she's freaking out a bit because school is ending now and things are changing.
I reach out and say I can't take it and this isn't right and we need to try and talk because I am not happy accepting this ending. She comes over and we both pretty much just cry and hold each other and I just lay it all out. Say I love you and she left that night, her last words were that she needed that talk. Next day I don't hear from her at all, but I know the following day is her graduation and her family was throwing a party. I wanted to be there for her and be with her. She had not invited me to be there, I was really upset. I broke and asked her why she hadn't invited me. She said she did want to invite me but I could only go as her friend and we would not be togehter. I couldn't do it. I couldn't agree to just pretend things are OK for her family and friends, I couldn't just be her friend. I didn't think I could go and not cry. I don't know if this was a ploy to make me uncomfortable or because this was her friends and family. If she had just accepted me I would have gone but she broke up with me and I couldn't put myself together.
We haven't spoke since, it's been almost a week now. She went to Europe on vacation with her friend. She needed it for sure and this was something she had wanted to do for a long time, and the only reason I wasn't goign was because those plans dated back before we met so she wanted to do this with her friend. That's fine by me, I was happy she booked her trip. But it kind of just leaves me sitting her wondering wtf just happened. I'm shocked, stunned, saddenned, hurt, and honestly so angry at her now. SHe said maybe when she gets back we could talk, and all my friends and family said she probably needs time, which is fine, I just wihs she could have taken her time without breaking my heart first. Now I am just filling up with rage from her. If she comes back, how can I accept this? I do love her, and I had started feeling like my relationship issues were resolved and I could live a happy life with someone and even get married. I've told her this before too. I was always honest. I just can't accept her excuses for ending something so special and so good and if she were to come back, which I am not thinking she even will, how could I go on?
I'm looking forward for myself at this point, another week of crying myself to sleep isn't going to do me any good. Thanks for reading, if you did, that was really long and not fully thought out but just my rambling and thoughts going through my head.
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If you just want to vent, I totally understand that. You may not want someone butting in with their annoying, irrelevant two cents.
But if you are open to it....
I think you might be best served with patience. I'm not promising you that she is coming back. But I am fairly confident, not having met her, that you both are trying to process some intense emotions while under great stress, both physically and mentally, and that doesn't always lead to solid, final, and comfortable decisions. Time is not comfortable or easy, but if your goal is true understanding, then time is your friend. The stressors won't last forever, and when they are gone, she will be left with "truth", such that it is. It still might not work for you, but at least you might be able to get an answer that makes more sense and is more rooted in understanding and less impulsive.
I went through something similar to this during college. I dated a girl for about two years, and as we neared the end, it became stressful, almost unbearably so. Moreso for her than me - I'm not really a "closure" kind of guy, so things like graduations and what not don't really register with me - but there's a lot of fear with certain people when milestones arise, and fear makes us do things impulsively. I was reading the autobiography of Jackie Martling this past weekend and when he left the Stern show (he asked for a ridiculous amount of money, and was denied), in the space of a couple months, he lost his job, got a divorce and quit drinking. Fundamentally, he subconsciously cleaned house. I'm getting a vibe of that here with your girl.
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Yes, patience. I don't understand and I accept I may never, but I think part of what makes me feel like I am unable to be patient (which I struggle with regularly btw) is I feel like this tied in with my brother moving out, I just feel old af and coming home to an empty house is just pretty depressing. I'll get used to it and maybe love it eventually (I'm doing a bit of work around the house to make it a bit nicer and more usable since a bunch of it is empty now) but it feels like the pile up makes me struggle with just being patient with things.
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As someone who IS old AF, I totally understand where you're coming from.
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Cramx3, I'm sorry to hear that. A breakup like what you just experienced is as painful as the death of a loved one. If you do not reconcile, then I wish you strength through the process of moving on. However, I think there is hope for reconciliation if you still want that. Like Stadler, I hope you're open to some unsolicited advice. Here goes...
Reading your post, two strong themes emerged that I think contributed to the breakup:
1 - the acute stress of finishing grad school and work travel/craziness, combined with general life stress (dealing with depression, figuring out living situations, dealing with social awkwardness, etc)
2 - your girlfriend came to view you as a passive participant in the relationship
Regarding point #1, she was likely at one of those "OMG, I'm graduating and now the REST OF MY LIFE starts!" moments where you begin to question everything. Were you available emotionally to her throughout the semester? Was she there for you? Were you both taking time to listen to each other and talk about the challenges you each were facing? When you knew that she was at an especially stressed moment, did you ever try to pamper her in any way to help alleviate what she was experiencing? Regarding the living situation, was she clear in her desire to move in with you once your brother moved out, and did you express the desire for some 'time alone' in your house ina way that made it clear that you didn't want 'time away' from her?
Regarding point #2, she said she wanted you to try harder, and you took that to mean saying yes to the occassional invitation from her to do something with friends/family. Cramx3, she wanted YOU to initiate some of that! She wanted you to propose going for a walk, going to the park, going out with friends/family, etc. Nobodoy wants to be the person who is never invited/always inviting others, because it eventually makes them feel unwanted. You likely thought of your time together relaxing and watching TV or whatever as quality time, and she did not. Man, this one is classic because in my experience men and women have very different ideas about what consistutes quality time.
Take this with a grain of salt, because I'm no relationship expert and I only know about your situation what you posted below. However, I personally identify with a lot of what you wrote about yourself and so I felt compelled to write back. I learned this all the hard way, especially the part about initiating quality time and reading between the lines to know when my partner needed me to be there for them emotionally. I wish you the best!
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Appreciate it
Lots of questions, but to just say, I think your 2 point about being passive may be it. I was there for all her stress and needs during this time, but she often didn't talk about problems that I had been causing. I know for me, I don't always talk about my issues, but I was pretty open that my only issue was feeling burnt out and exhausted, which is something I only started recently feeling better about (of course right as I get the ax). but yea, you are probably right. Maybe because I didn't initiate more of our activities. I was pretty open about my reasonings why all along though. I remember coming back from amsterdam and just saying, I have no desire to do anything for a few weeks. She seemed to accept it, I didn't think it was an issue, but maybe because I never really got out of that rut and start to make plans with her had an effect. This definitely came up in our last talk too about how I hadn't made plans with her in awhile. Although, we were also in the process of booking a vacation this summer together so it's not like I totally was ignoring her, but yes, she is right, I didn't do a good enough job including her friends and family in my own plans.
Having said that, I still struggle to think she could walk away just because of that, for all the problems we could work on, I think this is fixable and I said I was willing.
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Cram I read through the post and I’m sorry to hear all of this went down, heart break is a real motherfucker. I had sort of a similar experience with my last serious relationship, I was done with school and she was going to nursing school. We drifted apart, me due to work and her due to attending a new school and being busy. The relationship ended and I took it very hard.
More unsolicited advice but from a slightly different angle from count and stadler; Try not harp on what ended the relationship or quantify things into she wanted me to do x and I did x but it didn’t work out. She has most likely had these feelings for a while, maybe longer than letting on or there might be other issues she has that she doesn’t want to address. Whatever it may be I think for the time you should focus on yourself, you may never get the closure that you want. Eventually in my old relationship I found out the closure I was looking for was actually a reason my ex could give me that I could rationalize and try to work on, I wasted a lot of time thinking about what went wrong. Try to put your mental energy on focusing on goals that you may have with work or personal development, be open if your ex reaches out. If she does that’s great and there may be a future, if she doesn’t well you’re already a few steps ahead on moving forward.
Anyway, I’m a few drinks in and rambling so apologies!
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Just read your post, I doubt she walked away For a single reason. I doubt most people do unless it’s something major like infidelity, she may have more issues that she doesn’t want to share or discuss.
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Thanks, glad I gave you some reading material on your vacation :lol
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I echo what everyone had said. Sometimes you just do drastic things all at once, process things differently,freak out over nothing, and you both got caught up in that. Maybe she will come back and you will resume your relationship, maybe she won’t and you’ll get over her. One girl I talk to did something similarly drastic recently and broke up with her boyfriend, but she realized she loved him so much and they both made each others’ lives so much better, so she asked him to take her back and now they’re very happy.
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I echo what everyone had said. Sometimes you just do drastic things all at once, process things differently,freak out over nothing, and you both got caught up in that. Maybe she will come back and you will resume your relationship, maybe she won’t and you’ll get over her. One girl I talk to did something similarly drastic recently and broke up with her boyfriend, but she realized she loved him so much and they both made each others’ lives so much better, so she asked him to take her back and now they’re very happy.
OOC how long did it take for her to realize that? It would be awesome if she came back from Europe and was like "yea, this is a mistake and with a fresh head, we can work through these issues because we love each other" but if she comes back and I still don't hear from her, I don't know how long I go waiting.
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I echo what everyone had said. Sometimes you just do drastic things all at once, process things differently,freak out over nothing, and you both got caught up in that. Maybe she will come back and you will resume your relationship, maybe she won’t and you’ll get over her. One girl I talk to did something similarly drastic recently and broke up with her boyfriend, but she realized she loved him so much and they both made each others’ lives so much better, so she asked him to take her back and now they’re very happy.
OOC how long did it take for her to realize that? It would be awesome if she came back from Europe and was like "yea, this is a mistake and with a fresh head, we can work through these issues because we love each other" but if she comes back and I still don't hear from her, I don't know how long I go waiting.
A few months. Certainly don’t wait, go out and live your life. Maybe you will realize some things as well - maybe, while you love her and wish her well, you want someone who will not fail the stress test of a relationship. You did mention you had a very mild and content relationship, and that she was inexperienced - maybe she’s out for something she imagines as better than what you guys had. Either way, so many things may happen that need you to keep your thinking cap on and really process your emotions and know what you’re dealing with. So by all means keep thinking about this and don’t go off looking for a rebound right away, but don’t pine. You’re a cool guy with lots to do.
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I don't know how long I go waiting.
My 2 cents. Don't wait. Don't rush into things but don't put your life on hold. Life is too damn short. If she comes back from Europe and decides she wants to try again, then you make your decision to either try again or not. If she comes back from Europe and you don't hear from her, you move on with your life and if 2 years from now she wants to try again, you evaluate your options then. You may not even want to try again. You might be in a new and improved relationship. Who knows? But give yourself the option to move on to new relationships when you are ready to.
Sorry you are going through this. FWIW, I saw a friend last weekend and her cousin is a mutual friend of mine. Her cousin was helping her spouse of 35 years do the dishes just before Easter and he turned to her and told her he wanted to move out of the house. According to her, there was no inkling that anything was wrong in the marriage. It doesn't seem to be an affair. What it sounds like to me is that he's extremely overwhelmed - lost a great job about a year ago, doesn't like the job he's in, kids are newly and finally up and out, financial stress, yadda yadda yadda. He's telling her he needs space to breathe and figure it out. And while she's hurting, she's allowing him to do what he needs to do to figure it all out.
It can happen to the best of relationships. It takes courage to let her go and figure it out. So good on you for not pressuring her right now. Best to take some time and focus on yourself right now. Finding yourself a good therapist - if you don't already have one - might be a helpful thing. Good luck!
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Thanks, I just think that's what I am struggling with and patience now. The idea of moving on or maybe getting back together which leads me to feel like I can't totally commit to either and makes me feel like an emotional wreck. I think her youth adds something to this as well, I don't feel like her potential desires to do and experience more should be a reason to end things, she could have spoke up about it and we could work on it. I felt like we had that relationship, clearly I was wrong by being blindsided, but I really thought we could speak up to each other about anything but I'm sure there is more to this than she told me.
Thanks Harmony as well, just saw your post while writing the above.
The cool thing about all this is that my friends and family have been there for me, it's been nice to see the guys all kind of help me out a bit, or try to. I'm road tripping solo to the Avantasia concert tomorrow, I hope this helps clear my head a bit.
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I echo what everyone had said. Sometimes you just do drastic things all at once, process things differently,freak out over nothing, and you both got caught up in that. Maybe she will come back and you will resume your relationship, maybe she won’t and you’ll get over her. One girl I talk to did something similarly drastic recently and broke up with her boyfriend, but she realized she loved him so much and they both made each others’ lives so much better, so she asked him to take her back and now they’re very happy.
OOC how long did it take for her to realize that? It would be awesome if she came back from Europe and was like "yea, this is a mistake and with a fresh head, we can work through these issues because we love each other" but if she comes back and I still don't hear from her, I don't know how long I go waiting.
A few months. Certainly don’t wait, go out and live your life. Maybe you will realize some things as well - maybe, while you love her and wish her well, you want someone who will not fail the stress test of a relationship. You did mention you had a very mild and content relationship, and that she was inexperienced - maybe she’s out for something she imagines as better than what you guys had. Either way, so many things may happen that need you to keep your thinking cap on and really process your emotions and know what you’re dealing with. So by all means keep thinking about this and don’t go off looking for a rebound right away, but don’t pine. You’re a cool guy with lots to do.
Well said, don't wait. I spent way too long waiting myself and you'll never get that time back.
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Thanks, that was a big regret of mine when I broke things up with my last x, which was the wasted time part. I'm only getting older and this has made me feel 20 years older mentally. I'm going to rock out so good tomorrow.
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Don't search but don't close yourself off. Maybe you'll be ready or maybe you won't be yet. Don't force it and try to find a date. Let it be natural.
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I've got little interest in finding a date right now. I'm going to work on myself, specifically my weight. If a girl pops into my life, thats one thing, but I'm not looking to hook anyone into my life right now, that's for sure.
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Thanks, I just think that's what I am struggling with and patience now. The idea of moving on or maybe getting back together which leads me to feel like I can't totally commit to either and makes me feel like an emotional wreck. I think her youth adds something to this as well, I don't feel like her potential desires to do and experience more should be a reason to end things, she could have spoke up about it and we could work on it. I felt like we had that relationship, clearly I was wrong by being blindsided, but I really thought we could speak up to each other about anything but I'm sure there is more to this than she told me.
Thanks Harmony as well, just saw your post while writing the above.
The cool thing about all this is that my friends and family have been there for me, it's been nice to see the guys all kind of help me out a bit, or try to. I'm road tripping solo to the Avantasia concert tomorrow, I hope this helps clear my head a bit.
You've already answered this (rightly, in my opinion): commit to yourself. Go out. See bands. Don't go out. Play xBox. The only thing I would say is, talk to anyone/everyone. If you're at a bar, just talk to people. You don't have to be Johnny conversation, just "what beer you drinking? Any good?" and strike up a convo. You're not looking to bang the person you're talking to, you're looking to anchor and connect.
I wouldn't put any timetables on "meeting someone" or "taking her back". Man plans, and God laughs. I told you about me; I got back with her in a couple weeks. My aunt, after two failed marriages, ran into her high school boyfriend - she was in her late 60's, I'd say - and they married and lived the rest of their lives together (she died not long ago at 95). As Tony Martin once said, "there are no rules here!"
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As Tony Martin once said, "there are no rules here!"
I love you man :heart cram, listen to this one, he's pretty wise.
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Thanks, and yea, I totally get that. I appreciate it DTF, and talk about playing games, I've been getting a lot of gaming in with DTF's Chino actually lately which has been fun.
Also, Stads, it's funny how you say just talk to anyone. I totally get and understand that. Last weekend after the dump I went to the Devin Townsend concert with that attitude, just meet people and feel confident. I ended up hanging out with 4 people the entire night, including a really cute girl although I had no interest, but to the point, it felt good to connect with others and just be "normal" in a way.
Hoping to have a fun night out in Worceseter tonight for Avantasia :metal
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Thanks, and yea, I totally get that. I appreciate it DTF, and talk about playing games, I've been getting a lot of gaming in with DTF's Chino actually lately which has been fun.
I didn't want to crash your thread contribution last week, but the reason I've been gaming so much lately is because I officially called my relationship off last week :rollin
It sucks, and I'm sad, but there's an almost guilty level of relief I feel having it be over.
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Well your situation is a bit different, but maybe not that different, I think you said you guys still had some sort of relationship? I think I'd struggle with that and eventually it would sour for me too.
As for my now ex, she texted me two nights ago. She's been on vacation in Croatia with her friend and sent me pictures from the Game of Thrones set wiht some text like "I know you probably want to tell me to fuck off but I thought you'd really appreciate these since i know you love Game of Thrones" and won't lie when I say it made me really mad. I just responded with a simple "that's cool". I don't know what else to say, kind of wanted to say the "fuck off" because I don't understand the point of reaching out to me. If she wants to work on things, that can be done but she needs to say it, anything else I don't want to hear at this point. I don't care how her trip was or what pictures she wants to share. I want to move on and I thought I did the best job I could do on that front last weekend. I did two trips for concerts, spent one evening with my friends, and one afternoon with my nieces while working out every day. I need to focus on that, not her game of thrones pictures which by the fucking way, we would have finished watching the series together if you didn't break up with me! I watched the last two episodes upset and alone, I feel like that was so fucking rude to send.
And sadly, this is kind of what I feared. That I would start to have such strong negative feelings towards her that if she were to want to try to work on things (she didn't say anything of that sort, but reaching out in general made me feel like that's possible) that I would struggle accepting it because of my anger. We aren't there, and I don't know if that's where this is going but I really don't want to be so angry and upset with her anymore and I don't know what makes it harder, her potentially coming back or me continuing to move on.
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Not to tell you what to do, and I feel like you'd make a good decision anyway based on all you've written here, but my advice is to NOT engage in anger. Just walk away, even if it is just for a day or two or however many you need to come at this with a clear head. I don't know that woman, never met her, but that's Mars/Venus shit right there. If she feels "bad" about breaking things off, fair enough, but to assuage her feelings by texting you? Fuck that. If she's being cute by "sending a message that I'm thinking about him", fair enough, but say it and be done with it. Don't play games.
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Well your situation is a bit different, but maybe not that different, I think you said you guys still had some sort of relationship? I think I'd struggle with that and eventually it would sour for me too.
As for my now ex, she texted me two nights ago. She's been on vacation in Croatia with her friend and sent me pictures from the Game of Thrones set wiht some text like "I know you probably want to tell me to fuck off but I thought you'd really appreciate these since i know you love Game of Thrones" and won't lie when I say it made me really mad. I just responded with a simple "that's cool". I don't know what else to say, kind of wanted to say the "fuck off" because I don't understand the point of reaching out to me. If she wants to work on things, that can be done but she needs to say it, anything else I don't want to hear at this point. I don't care how her trip was or what pictures she wants to share. I want to move on and I thought I did the best job I could do on that front last weekend. I did two trips for concerts, spent one evening with my friends, and one afternoon with my nieces while working out every day. I need to focus on that, not her game of thrones pictures which by the fucking way, we would have finished watching the series together if you didn't break up with me! I watched the last two episodes upset and alone, I feel like that was so fucking rude to send.
And sadly, this is kind of what I feared. That I would start to have such strong negative feelings towards her that if she were to want to try to work on things (she didn't say anything of that sort, but reaching out in general made me feel like that's possible) that I would struggle accepting it because of my anger. We aren't there, and I don't know if that's where this is going but I really don't want to be so angry and upset with her anymore and I don't know what makes it harder, her potentially coming back or me continuing to move on.
That's pretty lame that she would do that. I probably would have just not responded, but it still sucks none the less.
When me and my last Ex broke up, I strait up said "I do not want to be friends". We are either in a relationship or not. I refuse to be in some weird, awkward purgatory.
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Yea, that's what I said too. I even told her I had to block her from social media for my own sanity, not that I hate her but I need my own space and not to see her or to prevent myself from going over to her facebook or something. Well, for all I know she just legit wanted to show me and nothing more but even then, I feel like it's just messing with my head which is not cool at all.
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Sooo
Last night she texted me. She apologized for the way we last spoke (not the pictures from croatia that pissed me off, but the break up conversation). Kind of made me mad. I can't say I care for an apology for the way we broke up, it happened. I told her the only thing I want her to apologize for is breaking up with me and to admit it was a mistake. Well she ended up coming over because this type of conversation through text was just difficult. I cried, a lot. I think I let it all out. She wants to get back and I am just sooooo confused. It hurts so much to think she could do this to me and then just come back. I don't know how to feel. I love her and want to make it work, I've said it all along and was willing to work on my faults. I don't know why she needed to break up with me and reject me to come to the same conclusion I offered 4 weeks ago. She had her Euro trip planned beforehand, she was going to get her break from us regardless. She could have taken more time, I totally was cool with her taking space to clear her head and think about it before officially breaking up, but apparently that wasn't an option then she just had to break my heart. After letting it all out and totally breaking down, she hugged me and finally expressed the things I wish she said weeks ago. She wants to try and wants this. She said her trip was tough because she was upset the entire time, she was telling her friends she wanted to get with me, she said her therapist is "on team marc" and I guess I can only say she was/is going through a lot and some of my actions weren't helping at the time. Understood. I just wish it didn't have to be this way because now I'm left with strong negative thoughts and confusion that I can't wrap my head around. Today has been really tough emotionally for me just thinking about this. She spent the night and it felt kind of weird. I told her this morning things seem odd, it doesn't feel right but I do want this, as I always did. She agreed. It looks like we will spend time on Sunday together again and see what happens. I'm just a total wreck right now though. I want to be really happy and yet I am not.
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It sounds like you've been through a lot in the last couple weeks. I would agree with Stadler about trying to let the anger go. I agree with you that she should have brought her frustrations to you so you could work on them together and give it some time, rather than just breaking up. It would have spared you (and probably her) from some pain. But sometimes people make mistakes, and something that seems obvious from a distance is totally different in the moment. You're human, so you can't just turn off feeling angry, but I would do what you can to work through and let it go.
Obviously, if this becomes a pattern then all bets are off, but for now, she seems to want to work through and you still have feelings for her, and I don't think you have much to lose by giving it a try.
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Yea, I agree, it's just difficult and my work life isn't making it any easier (at work still at almost 12:30am) but we texted a bit earlier and we both expressed our desire to try even though we both admit it's emotionally taxing right now. Just take it one day at a time.
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you: creating a large, resentment generating event within the context of our relationship will generally end up generating resentment
your gf: surprised Pikachu
Memes aside (sorry if that was in poor taste, just trying to make you laugh!), letting anger and resentment go will go a long way for your mental health whether you two end up patching things up or not. Have you ever done a stupid thing you wished you could take back? Focus on that feeling of regret, and then imagine how she is feeling. You wouldn't be the first to break up permanently after an event like this, and you wouldn't be the first who went on as if nothing happened after an event like this either. Whatever you end up doing, it's good for your mental health to stop ruminating and forgive.
For what it's worth, you did say that a desired timeline for you was her returning from the vacation and contacting you at once. She did contact you playing coy on the vacation, and when she realized that was a crappy thing to do, she came with an apology. That's nice. It's also nice you didn't rush into things and say "yes baby, I love you so much that my image of you is uncompromised in every way", because that would create pretext for more bad behavior from her part. From now on, you should take this reset as seriously as possible and live your best life in every way and see if she can keep up, see if she likes the way your life will look or if she is going through the motions because she's scared of losing you.
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I've never had anyone break up with me and then want to get back together. That would seriously screw with my head. Luckily, with the girls who broke up with me in the past, it ended right there.
The last girl I was with though, I was the one that broke up with her but then went through a vicious cycle of getting back together and breaking up, over and over and over. That was truly the worst couple months of my life, until finally she wouldn't get back with me which was for the best honestly. That cycle severely screws with the healing process and being able to move on. Its like getting a wound and the scab keeps getting ripped off before it can heal and it just bleeds and bleeds endlessly.
I don't think I would be able to get back with her if I was in your shoes Cram. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, and I learned that lesson the hard way. But If you do get back with her, I hope she is sincere in her request and actually wants to work toward as stronger relationship.
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Well, I certainly agree that "past behavior is indicative of future behavior", but you have to be critical in that analysis.
While I am nominally "Team Marc", I think it's broader than that. As for "past behavior", I see a woman that has some conflicts, and maybe had trouble with her perspective. I think you have to honor that. We're humans, we're not perfect, and while I would hope in the future she would be more receptive to "talking" before "action", not everyone is like that.
I think you're right to be angry and resentful, but here's the dilemma: if you react with anger and resentment, you may not get another crack at the apple. Might be easier said than done, but I think you're probably best served by tabling the emotions and hearing her out. Maybe it's me, but I don't expect my relationships to be free of conflict. It's more important HOW we fight, and whether we can get issues out on the table. (Then again, to be fair, I'm not a "grudge carrying" kind of guy for the most part.)
You're entitled to your emotions, and don't apologize for that. But you are responsible for not letting your emotions overwhelm. If it was me, I wouldn't deny my anger but I would consciously put it aside in my discussions with her, until I'm sure where I want to go with the relationship.
Hey, not to be a "lawyer" here, but as you learn more from her, you might be able to turn this into a positive. She's clearly bothered by SOMETHING (I think the "you don't spend time with my friends" is a cover for something deeper; I'm not saying fatal, but it's kind of a bumpersticker-ish way of addressing something more fundamental) and perhaps you can use this time to come out stronger than you were before!
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Ah, dude, I didn't know it was going so rough for you. My condolences. Breakups can be the worst.
I didn't handle my last one very well, in fact it took years to get over her (and of course I would run into her last month at the Avantasia show all those years later, go figure). Letting go of the anger is absolutely key, I was unable to do that, it was a particularly nasty falling out. Hopefully you can do that. 150% agree with Stadler on everything he wrote.
Although if it were me I'd just tell her to go away, leave me alone, and move on. :P
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Yea, I think the anger will go away with some time. I haven't taken any of my anger out on her though just to be clear, it's just clouding my head. She knows how I feel and she's being very understanding.
As for the breaking up stuff and pattern of behavior. This is what worries me the most about getting back together. My past relationship got into a cycle of breaking up and it was the worse thing ever and I felt trapped. That time I was the one wanting out and my x kept convincing me to stay and I am very very worried that roles have reversed here and if that's the case than I really need to be the one to let her go. However, the difference is she came back on her own without me convincing her. I was pretty flat out with her the other night saying if we got back together she better be 100% serious about leaving because if this falls into a cycle of that behavior I can't be in it. She's well aware of my past relationship issues, I had always been honest about things because I want to prevent my own mistakes from happening again.
Anyway, I appreciate the support, this is going to be ongoing for a bit. We will hang out Sunday and I'll get a better feel for things then.
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I think you're right to be angry and resentful, but here's the dilemma: if you react with anger and resentment, you may not get another crack at the apple. Might be easier said than done, but I think you're probably best served by tabling the emotions and hearing her out. Maybe it's me, but I don't expect my relationships to be free of conflict. It's more important HOW we fight, and whether we can get issues out on the table. (Then again, to be fair, I'm not a "grudge carrying" kind of guy for the most part.)
I think that's the best advice you can give anyone about relationships. When I first started dating my partner, I was still naive to think we could go on forever without arguing (And I am pretty good at avoiding those). almost 9 years later I can count with one hand the times we had serious disagreements/arguments. There has been a couple of minor ones, and some things that bothered me but I just pushed them aside.
You guys can make it work, it's just a matter of putting pride aside and letting things just happen naturally without holding grudge and resentment.
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Hey, not to be a "lawyer" here, but as you learn more from her, you might be able to turn this into a positive. She's clearly bothered by SOMETHING (I think the "you don't spend time with my friends" is a cover for something deeper; I'm not saying fatal, but it's kind of a bumpersticker-ish way of addressing something more fundamental) and perhaps you can use this time to come out stronger than you were before!
Cram - as you talk with her about things, I think this is pretty important. In your original post, you mentioned how you were feeling burnt out and didn't want to hang with her family or friends (I think). Yet, I'm assuming that you still did things for yourself, like go to concerts often. Yes, you already had the tickets and love it, but the appearance is that she and her friends and family aren't as important to you as other things in life.
I can't speak for you and her, but I can certainly say that my wife would be really pissed off if I blew off her family things because I was feeling tired and burnt out on life, but still chose to go out and do things that I enjoyed for myself during that same period. I've had to cut back on fun things for myself for the sake of my family for now - being at home with my wife and kids is more important than seeing concerts. It sucks and I've missed some awesome shows, but I'm doing what I need to do for them.
Not sure if that is playing a part in things or not, but I thought I'd mention it. Good luck and hang in there!
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Yea, honestly we never fought or had issues for a long time and I think now that we have some issues we need a better way of "fighting" or essentially communicating our issues. I think we both have areas there to work on and we spoke about it. It seems I disregarded some things she had brought up in the past but when she tells me this, I don't even remember them happening because they were just so minor and at those times she didn't really make it known to me that it was very important. So I've been saying hey if I am upsetting you, don't just makea quick comment that I'm not going to put emphasis on, make it known to me how my actions hurt you and make it important so I am aware. And for me, I need to recognize my own actions and make the necessary changes when I am approached about them and not just shrug them off as I have before.
But yea, I agree about Stadlers bolded part too 100%
and Grappler just saw your post as I typed that and should say you hit the nail on the head a bit. She brought up that exact point about how even though I am burnt out I did take time to do things that I wanted to do. And its true my own selfishness has hurt this and something I need to work on. I guess my excuse was that concerts were the only thing that helped with trying to get out of being burnt out (and we even went to one together that I thought was a great time, but she told me just the other night how she felt so upset after that night and I had no idea until just now), but the appearance of doing this was harmful, I agree.
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As a person who loves going to concerts - I really don't think there's anything wrong with doing exactly that, especially if it makes you happy and more able to deal with what's going on in life. And I don't think doing something that you love to do makes you a selfish person. When there are kids involved, then it's another story and there's another level to look at. But if it's just the two of you, I think you should be able to say that this is a big part of your life (assuming that's true). It's something that you do and will continue to do.
And you hope she'll be able to enjoy it with you sometimes, but if not did she'll see how much you enjoy it, and not begrudge you for doing it. Just like if there's something that she's into and you're not, you'd either join in sometimes, or let her do it on her own and be glad she's having fun. So I think that's probably part of the conversation that you need to have as this moves forward.
I'm not saying that you should blow off seeing her family every time - I get not wanting to do that and not because it has anything to do with your feelings for her, but because those events can be emotionally tiring. But if it's something that's really important to her, I would say try to find a compromise. If it's only once in awhile, just do it. If it's every weekend, I would say you should be able to participate in some and skip some. I had a co-worker who had 16 siblings, and had family events every week and every weekend. Her husband got really tired of being expected to go to every one, and at first she was pissed about that, but then she kind of realized that it's a lot for one person who's not an actual family member. Of course he cares about her family, but there has to be time to do nothing, to just be alone, and there has to be time to do things that you like to do.
I think there's, or should be, a compromise you can reach. And maybe part of that is communicating as early as possible that you're going to a certain concert. So if DT announces fall tour dates, and you think you want to see two or three, tell her about them immediately. Then it'll be something you already have planned, and the two of you can plan to do things together or with her family on other days.
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It's odd because she has always been understanding about going to concerts and she's always been cool with it, it had seemed this kind of just came out that she was really upset after going to the last one with me. However, it's not like I am denying her family or anything in favor of concerts. I think I said I didn't want to go like once in the last year and maybe denied doing things with her friends once or twice, but according to her, it was just those few denials that made her not want to even invite me anymore so over the last six months, I hardly even denied her mostly because she was never asking out of fear of denial. These are things she needs to speak to me more about because I don't know this until she tells me. I think the concerts come into play because I schedule those out and therefore if I am going to one she is aware of but say her friend decides to have a party the week of the concert, she ends up not inviting me because she knows I have plans. It's kind of complicated too in a way in that my own problem is I like things planned, I'm not very spontaneous. So I have concerts planned for months, but the stuff she plans is always last second such as the time I said I didn't want to go to her parents for dinner since she invited me 15 minutes before the meal on a Sunday when I was in pajamas and ready to be in for the night.
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I likely would have passed on the 15 minutes notice too. :)
Sounds like there are some communication issues on her end. For her part, I would tell her to never stop inviting you - just because you can't make it a couple times doesn't mean you won't the next time. On your side, if you have to pass on something like dinner with her family, maybe right then and there suggest doing it sometime soon.
I wish you the best of luck with this and hope things go well and you can work it out. If it doesn't though - at least you're trying and later won't have to wonder if you should have.
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Yea I really appreciate the help here and another positive is in the end of this, whether it works or not, I'm going to come out stronger solo or our relationship will be stronger. Just got to keep enduring. We texted a bit today which kind of feels both odd and nice, like there's a huge part of me that wants to go back to just our regular daily texting conversations but I'm also playing it cautiously, I don't want to fall back into any patterns specifically ones that were negative (I don't think this is an example of it).
Actually in a positive note in this, when she came over the other night, the first thing she said was that I looked thinner :metal First person to notice my work on weight loss. But I got to admit, at least part of that was just not having an appetite from depression and not from hard work (although I have been working out and eating sooo much better).
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Keep up the good habits, dude. That's awesome!
I once dated a girl who got mad when we had to miss a band, and she was pissed off royally when we arrived too late to a Blind Guardian show to get up front. Go getcherself one of those. :biggrin: :lol
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No thanks :lol I like concerts from the back these days
Personally, I think the concerts thing was a bit exaggerated in the heat of this situation we are in, as she's said so many times that it's really not an issue and she thinks it's a positive that I have a hobby I am so invested in. I agree too, it's one of the few things I do socially anymore. The reality though is that I wish she went to every concert with me, we just typically have so much fun together especially at concerts (such as getting pulled over in our Uber on the way to a 311 halloween show as we are dressed up as ketchup and mustard (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4PqX5NTXp0 if you don't believe me)) and that even includes concerts I went to for her interests like Imagine Dragons, I didn't expect to have that much fun at that show but it's really because we went together.
Her Christmas gift from me this year were tickets to see Ariana Grande at MSG. In the break up I gave the tickets to her so I don't expect to be going to that one anymore, which is mostly fine, but while I think that concert may be terrible from music perspective, I did think it could be super fun just to do together.
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I love that you recorded video of that. Awesome. :lol
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If it makes you feel better, the "family thing" is one of the few things my wife and I disagree on. I go to all her family stuff, without asking, because that's what you do as a husband. At least I feel that way. Suffice to say, she doesn't always feel that way. But we reached a middle ground, and we talk. "This is important to me", or "hey, you can sit this one out". Not perfect, but it is what it is.
As for concerts, I prefer going by myself, so that's not an issue. There are shows we go to together, but she's not interested in Sons Of Apollo or Uli Jon Roth, so I go and make friends.
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Never went to concerts with the first few Girlfriends. Only ever went with my ex fiance. Both of which ended up in fights on the way home. But then again toward end, pretty much everyday was a fight so yeah :P
I honestly just prefer going alone or with friends. It just seems to go smoother.
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My gf loves going to concerts and I'm a fan of 80% of what she listens to so it's a nice thing to enjoy.
However, she is not a fan of what I listen to :lol so I go to concerts solo. It's for the best really, I know she'd go if I asked her to and she has volunteered but I don't think she is going to enjoy it and I'm not going to enjoy myself either then.
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There's a practical reason too; I got to go up on stage with Gene Simmons, I got to meet Billy Squier, I got to hang and shoot the breeze with Gary Barden... all because I only had myself to worry about. I worry too much whether the other person is having a good time or not, and it's stressful.
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There's a practical reason too; I got to go up on stage with Gene Simmons, I got to meet Billy Squier, I got to hang and shoot the breeze with Gary Barden... all because I only had myself to worry about. I worry too much whether the other person is having a good time or not, and it's stressful.
You nailed exactly how I feel about it too. The whole time with the girlfriend I was worried if someone or something was bothering her. Is she having a good time? It was always on my mind the protector mentality. When its just me or friends, then all of that is gone.
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My partner loves concerts, we are actually seeing Coheed and Mastodon later today, but she hates DT and some of the heavier bands I listen to, so to those concerts I go with friends.
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So the latest on my sad saga...
She came over Sunday evening, I grilled us dinner, we chatted while chilling outside since it was nice for awhile, then watched tv for a few hours, had some sex and called it a night. Pretty much like most of our nights together and we didn't really talk much about us, just kind of reconnected. It was really nice, probably too nice actually.
The next day I just felt so empty though. Like I was teased of what we should have been but she had insisted before the evening we would not be getting back together. I was really struggling emotionally Monday. I just had to start talking to her about it, I asked how she felt about the evening and then lead into saying that my head is spun around too much right now that I am struggling finding happiness in this "limbo" as I am referring to where we were now that she wanted to "reconnect". After telling her all that, I said I want to be together and working on rebuilding the relationship, not just be fuck buddies or whatever the hell this is. She said the conversation was too much for her and ended it, didn't say I love you or anything either. So I stopped and didn't reach out to her until she did yesterday afternoon saying she wanted to come over in the evening to talk about what we had talked about the day before but in person. Makes sense.
I told her how I felt. For one, I feel a bit used. Two, I feel like if she can't commit to a relationship then I can't commit to "limbo". Mentally it's not healthy for me, I really struggled the past couple days just trying to be normal and my emotions are getting the best of me, in every aspect of my life right now. It's not good. I was feeling better before she reached out, I was starting to overcome the sadness, and now I'm thrown into some situation that I can't handle. I need it to end, with or without her. So she left and that's that.
Honestly, today has been a better day for me. I feel kind of relieved in a way. I definitely still want it to work, but I can't accept some situation where I feel like I am 100% in and she is not, especially when I am willing to work on the things I have been bad at, but I can't work on those things without a foundation. But I think at the end of the day, she doesn't want this and is struggling wtih ending it herself. Which is part of the reason why I feel used, she's just using me to make the break up easier it seems. Well, it sucks, and it sucks hard, but I feel a lot better today knowing I did what I needed to do to move on here.
Having said that, I wouldn't be surprised if she reached out next week saying she wants to be together and I'm not sure what to do if she does, but I need to go back to living my life like she is not in it anymore because that's what's best for me.
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Dude, I'm proud of you. I don't know that I could have done that (as you wrote it).
Good for you for doing what's right for YOU. I'm a firm believer that if you're not all YOU can be, then your relationship can't be all that IT can be. We bring our baggage into our relationships, not the other way around, and I'm impressed at how you dealt with that.
And trust me (pun intended): if you can't trust her with your heart and your emotions and your healing, then you need to protect yourself. You're only going to be hurt worse in the end.
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Thanks Bill, you know, she said my problem was my selfishness all along and at the end of last night she did say this was just another selfish move and I don't think she is wrong, but I can't improve my selfishness where I am not in a relationship so I therefore should be looking out for myself. I wanted to make her feel more like equals than I had been, it was something I told her I wanted to work on, but I couldn't find a way to work on that without being equals in a relationship. It felt like an unfair and impossible situation.
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I wrote "Dude, I'm proud of you" and then saw Stadler wrote the same thing. So I'll echo everything Stadler said. :lol I agree 100% with the belief that you have to be at YOUR best to make the relationship the best it can be, and it sounds like you're doing exactly that. Looking out for #1 is important, my man. That's quite a situation to be in and it's tough. Good on ya.
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I told her how I felt. For one, I feel a bit used. Two, I feel like if she can't commit to a relationship then I can't commit to "limbo". Mentally it's not healthy for me, I really struggled the past couple days just trying to be normal and my emotions are getting the best of me, in every aspect of my life right now. It's not good. I was feeling better before she reached out, I was starting to overcome the sadness, and now I'm thrown into some situation that I can't handle. I need it to end, with or without her. So she left and that's that.
This sounds very much my situation with Victoria after she moved out last July. It was supposed to be for 4 months, then it went to 6, and then it went to 12. At 11 months I finally made the call for her to not even consider moving back in. I spent the better part of last August and September drunk if I wasn't at work, and then binge ate myself through winter.
I bent over backwards the entire time she lived with me, and even more so once she moved out. It was exhausting in every sense of the word. Someone on Reddit in r/relationship_advice said "Dude, you're setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm". It really stung, but it helped me decide in all about 3 seconds that it was time to terminate the relationship for good.
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"Selfish"; I'm not sure what that means in this context. That analogy about "fire" is spot on; relationships are supposed to be positive, hopefully exponentially not linearly so, for both of you. Sure we all have things to work on, but if every moment is YOU spending time worrying about whether SHE'S seeing your "growth" or "evolution", then who's actually being selfish there?
I'm not at all suggesting you get into a pissing match about who's giving more, but I think to an extent these things work or they don't. You have to put in effort, no doubt, and certainly I would hope you'd all want to be better men, but at some point... if you're not cumulatively better with her this day than you were yesterday, then it's time.
Proud of both of you, but of course, sorry you're going through any of this.
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While I was wallowing in misery during my most recent break up, I stumbled upon studies that show that during a break up, the same areas of the brain light up as someone who is going through drug withdrawal and it really put things into perspective.
https://www.thecut.com/2017/02/why-heartbreak-getting-dumped-feel-so-bad.html
Everyone around me was like "just end it already, don't you see how bad this situation is"
I knew it was bad for me, but when you are literally addicted to someone, its not so simple. And so after each break up I would "relapse" and get back together with her. Thank god I graduated and no longer had to see her everyday. That's what helped me stay broken up. Out of sight, out of mind, and as much as it hurt at the time, my life is so much happier to have put that bad relationship in the past.
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Marc... it's not selfish at all, it's self preservation. If we can't be happy with and love ourselves, we can't love others. No one was put on this Earth to take care of us (except our parents, and their job is long done), so if we don't take care of our own selves, who does? Relying on someone else to be our caretaker creates a dependency, which is not healthy for adults. Like Phoenix intuited, it's tantamount to an addiction.
I'm not well versed in breakups (never had any serious relationships before mrs.jingle), but I am well versed in mental ill/wellness. The limbo state you referred to would've been exhausting, taxing and draining - to all parts of your life. It's unfair for anyone to do that to you. You made the right call. As I read the last page, I thought you should've made that call last month after her text from vacation - I'm glad it ended up as it did for you, as it appears she's got a lot of work to put into herself. It honestly sounds as if the two of you would be a hot mess together while you each work on yourselves - for the sake of a rocky relationship.
And I love the fire analogy - heard that for the first time recently from a Jay Shetty vlog. It's the old airplane/oxygen analogy - you can't/shouldn't take care of anyone else until you take care of yourself first.
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... (except our parents, and their job is long done) ...
Can you tell that to my kids? :)
(I kid; I'm very lucky in that department).
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The limbo state you referred to would've been exhausting, taxing and draining - to all parts of your life.
I felt like it was already draining me after a few days, like I said, I immediately the next day felt better. I mean, I don't feel happy or good about any of this, but I feel better knowing it's over and not in some strange emotional state that was making me unable to function.
This sounds very much my situation with Victoria after she moved out last July. It was supposed to be for 4 months, then it went to 6, and then it went to 12. At 11 months I finally made the call for her to not even consider moving back in. I spent the better part of last August and September drunk if I wasn't at work, and then binge ate myself through winter.
I bent over backwards the entire time she lived with me, and even more so once she moved out. It was exhausting in every sense of the word. Someone on Reddit in r/relationship_advice said "Dude, you're setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm". It really stung, but it helped me decide in all about 3 seconds that it was time to terminate the relationship for good.
I have no idea how you did it for that long. And the timing thing definitely scared me. I thought OK after her vacation, that would be enough time away to think things over and come back with a fresh mind. In our discussion the other day, she mentioned maybe this taking the whole summer and even doing a vacation together before she could be in a relationship with me again. That was a big red flag to me. Why are you extending this so far and drawing this out? I didn't think any of that was productive to fixing things.
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I have no idea how you did it for that long. And the timing thing definitely scared me. I thought OK after her vacation, that would be enough time away to think things over and come back with a fresh mind. In our discussion the other day, she mentioned maybe this taking the whole summer and even doing a vacation together before she could be in a relationship with me again. That was a big red flag to me. Why are you extending this so far and drawing this out? I didn't think any of that was productive to fixing things.
Screw that. She's either in or she's out. That limbo shit aint right.
My guess is that she wants to string you along, while she looks for someone else. That way, if she's not successful you are the understudy she can fall back on. Hopefully I'm wrong, but I've seen shit like that happen before.
And I agree, its Red flag city
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I have no idea how you did it for that long. And the timing thing definitely scared me. I thought OK after her vacation, that would be enough time away to think things over and come back with a fresh mind. In our discussion the other day, she mentioned maybe this taking the whole summer and even doing a vacation together before she could be in a relationship with me again. That was a big red flag to me. Why are you extending this so far and drawing this out? I didn't think any of that was productive to fixing things.
Screw that. She's either in or she's out. That limbo shit aint right.
My guess is that she wants to string you along, while she looks for someone else. That way, if she's not successful you are the understudy she can fall back on. Hopefully I'm wrong, but I've seen shit like that happen before.
+1. F that noise.
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I honestly don't believe there's another guy type of thing, I think deep down, she does not want this, but she's struggling with letting go and that's the BS she was putting on me.
So she had never been in a relationship and was a virgin. My mother definitely believes she wants to go out and explore more because she hasn't experienced anything. I do think that's probably part of it but she had never expressed this and I even brought it up. Of course she might not admit to it, but I think "another guy" is low on the totem pole here. But relationship inexperience is definitely high.
Whatever, I'm just wanting to move on. I've got a lot of awesome things planned in the coming months, would have loved to have experienced these things with her, but life goes on and although things suck right now and have been sucking, I want to move onto the brighter things on the horizon. Such as two days on the Atlantic City beach for Warped Tour with some of my favorite bands in a few weeks :yarr , a weekend with Iron Maiden in brooklyn in July, a work trip to Amsterdam for a couple weeks in august, my friends wedding in august, progpower in September...
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You're a strong independent man and you don't need no woman to hold you down. Get it, son! :hat
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You're a strong independent man and you don't need no woman to hold you down. Get it, son! :hat
:rollin These are indeed interesting times we live in...
"Women are just intimidated by a strong independent man that can pay his own bills!" :biggrin:
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You're a strong independent man and you don't need no woman to hold you down. Get it, son! :hat
:rollin These are indeed interesting times we live in...
"Women are just intimidated by a strong independent man that can pay his own bills!" :biggrin:
Did anyone else read that last part as "play with his own balls" ??
No?
Just me?
Okey dokey then.
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^ Of course, now I can't UNREAD that. ;) :)
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I have no idea how you did it for that long. And the timing thing definitely scared me. I thought OK after her vacation, that would be enough time away to think things over and come back with a fresh mind. In our discussion the other day, she mentioned maybe this taking the whole summer and even doing a vacation together before she could be in a relationship with me again. That was a big red flag to me. Why are you extending this so far and drawing this out? I didn't think any of that was productive to fixing things.
Screw that. She's either in or she's out. That limbo shit aint right.
My guess is that she wants to string you along, while she looks for someone else. That way, if she's not successful you are the understudy she can fall back on. Hopefully I'm wrong, but I've seen shit like that happen before.
And I agree, its Red flag city
I agree with this. Even if she doesn't have someone else in mind she may not want to be in a relationship, especially if she has never been in a relationship. I can see it from her side too, I couldn't imagine going through life being in a relationship with one person.
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Just to update...
there is no update! I think the saga truly is over. And I am OK with that. It's been one of the roughest 5 weeks or so of my life, but I think I'm really starting to get over it. It just hurts the most laying in bed at night, not having anyone to say "goodnight" to. I've had struggles sleeping, but I think overall, my depression is fading. I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel here. It was super nice to spend a lot of time over the weekend with my entire family (parents came up from Florida for my niece's birthdays) and saw extended family for the first time since the break up. Get some of those awkward moments out of the way with the people who don't see you enough to know what's going on or the ones who have heard through the grapevine but haven't seen me yet. Just getting it all over with is nice, I don't want to keep answering questions about my past, I want to look to my future.
Anyway, one thing everyone mentioned was how it looked like I lost weight :tup yup been working hard at that. My mom said something along the lines of me looking better than I had in many years (could be mom being mom, but I look in the mirror and feel that way too). I feel like internally I set up some goals for myself to work on and working at that has been helpful to my depression and hearing it from others was a nice positive response.
I don't yet have any desire to go out looking for girls, I want to keep working on myself, but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't mind meeting someone cool this weekend at Warped Tour in AC
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Good for you Cram :tup Weightloss hase been going much easier for me as well. I got into a size 38 jeans the other day for the first time in like 6 or 7 years.
I've been hitting the dating apps hard. I've gone out with five girls in less than three weeks. It's rough out there, man. I hate putting so much emphasis on financials, but it's bleak. Three of the five were absolutely drowning in student loan debt in excess of $70K. All were over the age of 27 (I'm 30). Three of them were still living at home, one was living with and was splitting the rent of an apartment with her brother, and the last one was still living with her ex boyfriend because neither could afford to move out on their own.
One of the girls was really cool though and we had a second date last night. She's the only one I felt like seeing a second time.
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Atta boy cram :biggrin:
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Yea Chino, I was thinking the dating game is going to be really tough to get back into. I'm not ready yet so I'm not on any app, but I figure eventually I will be. But hey you had a nice second date, that's what it's about, finding the one in the sea I guess. I do recall, it was only 3 years ago I was last on tinder, that the prospects of a solid no strings attached, independent, smart woman is practically zero as they are all married by now. A reason why I ended up going for a much younger girl last time, but now I'm getting close to 35 and one of my fears when thinking about being single now was that the "sea" is much smaller now.
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Yea Chino, I was thinking the dating game is going to be really tough to get back into. I'm not ready yet so I'm not on any app, but I figure eventually I will be. But hey you had a nice second date, that's what it's about, finding the one in the sea I guess. I do recall, it was only 3 years ago I was last on tinder, that the prospects of a solid no strings attached, independent, smart woman is practically zero as they are all married by now. A reason why I ended up going for a much younger girl last time, but now I'm getting close to 35 and one of my fears when thinking about being single now was that the "sea" is much smaller now.
At the risk of being insensitive... I wouldn't assume. It's been four years now for me, but I know when I was post-divorce, it was an eye-opener. Not on purpose, but by process of elimination, I kind of stuck to over 30, under 50-ish (I was 47 at the time). There seemed to be three main "groups": one, that were still living a fantasy world; they were only interested in tall (6'0" or better), dark, and handsome, despite no longer having their cheerleader figure themselves (I'm being facetious, but you get the gist). Two, were just the oddballs. You be you and all that, fully supportive, but they were living in an alternate reality and just not for me (this was a relatively small group). Three, the women that married the high school sweetheart, had a couple kids, and was now dealing with a newly ex-husband that hadn't intellectually progressed much from high school (and might even be a little abusive; unless these women were telling stories, and I have no reason to believe they were, there are a lot of frustrated, bitter men out there). For various reasons, all legit, most of these didn't work out, but in an alternate world I would have made a ton of friends from this last group (and you can define "friend" however you want; another thing I found? Lots of sexual frustration out there as well). Decent people, many of them still very attractive, and just looking for someone to treat them fairly and with respect. Yeah, maybe some baggage (for me, I found I gravitated to women with children, because I had a daughter myself; there was one girl who was a prize on every level, but didn't want children and didn't have a clue what it meant to be a parent, and I couldn't take the chance with my daughter at middle school age) but the upside may out weigh that.
(Look, I know I'm generalizing a bit here, but I mean it in good faith and with respect; the point is that there ARE good people out there and its just a matter of finding them, and hopefully maintaining your dignity and self-respect until you do.)
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Oh totally, just "feels" like it will be harder than last time, but what do I know? I haven't put my feet back into the water. I do know this, I am much stronger at approaching and talking to women than I had ever been before. I know I have a lot to offer. So once I lose some weight and gain back some confidence in how I look and feel, I don't expect issues with finding women, just finding the right one sort of like Chino's boat.
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Had one of my potential prospects go down in flames last night, and I'm having trouble deciding if I was the asshole or not (probably was).
I connected pretty good with one girl. Been talking to her for ten days or so, been on two dates, macked it pretty hard, etc.. At one point on one of the dates, we got on the conversation of her dad's boat, a 28 footer he keeps down at a marina. She pulled out her phone to show me a picture on her Instagram and I committed her username to memory.
This allowed me to find her on all of the social media platforms with ease, none of which were locked down in any capacity in the privacy setting department. Now, I don't like to judge, but I am a firm believer in the idea that there are recognizable, repeating, and predictable behavioral trends throughout society based on how one uses social media.
Keep in mind, this girl is 29 and still living at home. Starting with her Instagram account, she was following 2200+ people/pages and was being followed by 900+. She had over 3000 uploads. Whether right or wrong, that is a huge red flag to me. This indicates that at the very least, she's a social media addict/whore, and any girl I've known (outside of business owners) that has had those kind of metrics has been batshit crazy and not the sharpest tool in the drawer.
Now, getting to her Facebook page. Most of you know where I stand politically. I knew from the beginning that this girl was a "country girl" despite living in North Haven CT her entire life. Once I tracked her down on Facebook, her wall was filled with the types of posts that make me roll my eyes and unfollow/unfriend people. One post being a picture of our former governor's face in cross hairs with a caption (written by her, not on the photo itself like a meme) saying "give me tolls and I'll give you something". Another post was a picture of footballs players kneeling with some "I wouldn't just fire you, I'd tar you in the streets and then hang you". Then there was the hundred of photo uploads of "pray for _______", blue lives matters, and the "I' stand" bullshit.
I was pretty upfront with her. I explained that I saw some posts she made on Facebook and I was worried she wouldn't like where I stood on a lot of issues. I went on to basically say "This is where I stand on a lot of hot button issues" and proceeded to list them all. She replied with a "I'm not really into politics (despite her FB page being flooded with the contrary), and we def don't see eye to eye on some of those things. They aren't deal breakers for me, and as long as we agree to never discuss politics, I don't have a problem with it. I guess this is on you". I went on to explain that at this stage of my life, my mind is on financial stability and starting a family. While where we both stand on issues isn't necessarily a deal breaker for me persae, I fear that disagreements on what politics revolves around could make raising children problematic. I told her my last relationship blew apart because there were fundamental conflicting views on life that we brushed under the rug in the beginning stages, and they didn't stay there. I said something like "Because we didn't address those thoughts and feelings early on, I feel like I ended up wasting almost 7 years of my life. I can't afford to do that again".
She got pissed. Gave me a "Wow. I don't know how to reply to that. Just wow. Nite".
Also, and maybe this is me just being petty here, but I took her out twice to the tune of about $160. Some of you know where I'm at right now, having to work two jobs to keep the house while trying to pay down the hydroponic endeavor debt I put myself in. She didn't say thank you either night. Maybe I'm over thinking it, but those are basic manners.
I honestly have no interest in pursuing this further, but I also don't like being a dick.
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Being honest in the earliest stages of a relationship =/= being a dick. IMO, you were true to yourself, which is NEVER the wrong thing to do. I don't see you being an asshole in this scenario. If all you were looking for in a relationship was a fun-time, some shaggin and romantic companionship, then one can overlook the issues you outlined. That's not where you're at. There's a common saying/philosophy in many businesses - 'fail fast', or get to 'no' quickly. You did that, and good on ya.
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You're not a dick. What's important to you in a relationship shouldn't be sacrificed - my wife and I agreed on politics when we met. We each knew that we wouldn't want to date someone with different political views. You have every right to talk about that, and if she suggests that you just ignore her political views, well, it's probably never going to work.
People assume that social media can't bite them in the ass, and if they made a bunch of things public, well that's their problem when it rears it's head and causes a problem.
The only way you should feel bad is if you mocked her for those political views, rather than just saying "I don't agree with them, and I think it could cause a problem later on."
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For one, you didn't do anything wrong by bringing this up and it seems you did so respectfully and even with a willingness to put it aside assuming you both were on the same page. To me, that's a great move and being a gentleman (also paying so much on two dates). Classy in my mind. However, her non response might be due to some shock of bringing up children and raising a family on a second date. Being she's a social media whore, she probably isn't right on that page yet for a second date discussion. And having said that, it's probably better than that you two just ended it now before it got any worse because if you can't handle a conversation now, you won't later.
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Thanks dudes. The feedback is appreciated.
For one, you didn't do anything wrong by bringing this up and it seems you did so respectfully and even with a willingness to put it aside assuming you both were on the same page. To me, that's a great move and being a gentleman (also paying so much on two dates). Classy in my mind. However, her non response might be due to some shock of bringing up children and raising a family on a second date. Being she's a social media whore, she probably isn't right on that page yet for a second date discussion. And having said that, it's probably better than that you two just ended it now before it got any worse because if you can't handle a conversation now, you won't later.
Just to clarify, I didn't bring it up on the second date itself, but rather two nights after (last night) in a text conversation.
After the initial FB acknowledgement, I opened my next message with "I hope this doesn't freak you out, but at this stage of my life I have to approach all relationships with the long term in the back of my mind. Things like financial stability, health, career paths, and especially children are all things I need to take into consideration from the very beginning. One of my biggest fears is bringing children into this world and then having to force them to watch their mother and father self destruct because they couldn't talk about certain things in the early stages of their relationship".
If that's too much for a 29 year old (who's Bumble profile says she wants kids) to handle, then I don't know what to say. I couldn't be any more honest or mature about that as far as I'm concerned.
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Yea I agree with you, but with only knowing what I know, that's my thought, that type of statement was too much for her. A lot of people cannot cope with a real conversation
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Bro, you have to be true to YOU. If you can't/don't want to handle that in your relationship, JET. If you want stability and don't feel it, JET. I admire that you have a conscience and empathy, and so you feel bad, but I wouldn't waste one more word apologizing or agonizing about this.
Maybe it's my age, but I'm LONG past the "there's only one true spirit for me" idea. Yeah, there may be someone out there that is a half a step above, but in terms of creating a good life, in terms of raising good, moral children, in terms of a stable family unit, you have to have faith in humanity. If not her, someone else.
Having said all that.... I do think you have to be honest with YOURSELF first. If "I hate Obummer!" is a dealbreaker, fine and respect. But I know for me, I've winnowed down my "dealbreaker" list to a pretty manageable number, and for all I post on P/R, I really do not give a shit what the politics are of my mate. My big dealbreaker? Honesty. NO, I don't need to know every last detail of my wife's life. I have trust, and I have an understanding that she needs her world and her space. But there are issues that don't get secrecy - we've pledged a monogamous relationship, and if we stray from that it should be with full knowledge and acquiesence of the other - and if there is a question that I DO ask, I best get an honest answer, unvarnished. TMI, we've struggled a little bit with that (the latter, not fidelity), but the point is, only you can set your lines, and only you can stick to them. Do it, without apology.
EDIT: Oh, and if it hasn't been said before, I approach "dating profiles" the way I approach "The Lord Of The Rings" or "Song Of Ice And Fire"; fiction that I choose to immerse myself in. There are a LOT of people in this world whose main trait is a lack of personal honesty. You find out soon enough where the truth lies (as you did) but I use(d) dating profiles as a high level target and a roadmap for conversation more than anything substantive.
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My general test of compatibility is easy. I show them 5-10 posts by Stadler and see if they agree with him.
If they do? I'm gone.
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My general test of compatibility is easy. I show them 5-10 posts by Stadler and see if they agree with him.
If they do? I'm gone.
Your loss. Apparently you don't like intellectual women. ;0 ;) :)
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My general test of compatibility is easy. I show them 5-10 posts by Stadler and see if they agree with him.
If they do? I'm gone.
Your loss. Apparently you don't like intellectual women. ;0 ;) :)
There is an exception to my test though. If they say they agree, but begin bleeding out of their ears or eyes because of the pain it causes them to do so, I let it slide.
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Having said all that.... I do think you have to be honest with YOURSELF first. If "I hate Obummer!" is a dealbreaker, fine and respect. But I know for me, I've winnowed down my "dealbreaker" list to a pretty manageable number, and for all I post on P/R, I really do not give a shit what the politics are of my mate. My big dealbreaker? Honesty. NO, I don't need to know every last detail of my wife's life. I have trust, and I have an understanding that she needs her world and her space. But there are issues that don't get secrecy - we've pledged a monogamous relationship, and if we stray from that it should be with full knowledge and acquiesence of the other - and if there is a question that I DO ask, I best get an honest answer, unvarnished. TMI, we've struggled a little bit with that (the latter, not fidelity), but the point is, only you can set your lines, and only you can stick to them. Do it, without apology.
That's what I was trying to get across, and I don't think she understood it. For example, she might not think, from a political standpoint, that children should have to be vaccinated to attend public schools. But if she believes that children don't need vaccinations, that a deal breaker. Maybe she doesn't think that the government should subsidize wind, solar, and nuclear energy. Is it because of her views on government spending, or because she thinks climate change is a hoax? She's got photos of herself literally wrapped in the flag in the bed of a pickup truck :lol I don't want to teach my kids to blindly follow and pledge allegiance to something just because.
At the end of the day, it's not the "politics" that are the dealbreakers for me. It's the underlying ideology, the train of thought, and how one goes about inquiring information about that world that influences one political views that I worry about. And again, it comes down to once kids are in the mix.
I mean, think however you want about governor Malloy. The dude was kind of a turd. If you're dumb enough, in today's climate, to post pictures of his face in cross hairs with a caption that could easily be perceived as a threat. I want nothing to do with you. If nothing else, you're a moron. She works in sales at an aerospace company that supplies parts for the military, and she's never heard of SpaceX.... I mean, how? Does she live under a rock? And that ties back to my social media addiction comment earlier. Unless you avoid news at all costs, there should be no reason why you wouldn't at least know the company's name. Her entire worldview must be being formed by Instagram and Facebook, and that's something I'm not interested in. I want someone who's curious.
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My general test of compatibility is easy. I show them 5-10 posts by Stadler and see if they agree with him.
If they do? I'm gone.
:rollin :rollin :rollin
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If nothing else, you're a moron.
I want someone who's curious.
Yup and yup. Your conversation totally exposed her for being a moron (I didn't even need to read about the spacex before thinking that :lol) and its much better to find out on date 2 than later but also, you clearly want something else so another reason why this is actually a good thing I think. I mean, maybe it would be nice to get laid :lol but based on what you are looking for, she doesn't match and you found that out so keep on movin.
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I mean, think however you want about governor Malloy. The dude was kind of a turd. If you're dumb enough, in today's climate, to post pictures of his face in cross hairs with a caption that could easily be perceived as a threat. I want nothing to do with you. If nothing else, you're a moron. She works in sales at an aerospace company that supplies parts for the military, and she's never heard of SpaceX.... I mean, how? Does she live under a rock? And that ties back to my social media addiction comment earlier. Unless you avoid news at all costs, there should be no reason why you wouldn't at least know the company's name. Her entire worldview must be being formed by Instagram and Facebook, and that's something I'm not interested in. I want someone who's curious.
For what it's worth, I agree with you 100% on this point. Love him or hate him, address the points with maturity, not gunsights. That shows a deep sense of tone-deafness to the circumstances we live in (if she's in North Haven, she's not 30 miles from Sandy Hook), and would, to me, seem to be a red flag of what I said about "personal honesty" (though to be fair, I've never met her, so I'm going off your post).
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I was pretty upfront with her. I explained that I saw some posts she made on Facebook and I was worried she wouldn't like where I stood on a lot of issues. I went on to basically say "This is where I stand on a lot of hot button issues" and proceeded to list them all. She replied with a "I'm not really into politics (despite her FB page being flooded with the contrary), and we def don't see eye to eye on some of those things. They aren't deal breakers for me, and as long as we agree to never discuss politics, I don't have a problem with it. I guess this is on you". I went on to explain that at this stage of my life, my mind is on financial stability and starting a family. While where we both stand on issues isn't necessarily a deal breaker for me persae, I fear that disagreements on what politics revolves around could make raising children problematic. I told her my last relationship blew apart because there were fundamental conflicting views on life that we brushed under the rug in the beginning stages, and they didn't stay there. I said something like "Because we didn't address those thoughts and feelings early on, I feel like I ended up wasting almost 7 years of my life. I can't afford to do that again".
She got pissed. Gave me a "Wow. I don't know how to reply to that. Just wow. Nite".
FWIW, you aren't being a dick. At all.
I'm a huge believer in trusting your gut. I think what stands out to me is how she handled this part of the conversation. She denies what you've seen with your own eyes on her page, "I'm not really into politics." Then she wants you to agree to never discuss politics with her? "I guess this is on you"? That doesn't seem very honest or realistic when considering any kind of long term relationship.
Maybe she just needs a little time to warm up to the idea of having an honest discussion with you about some of the concerning things you saw on her social media posts. Some people just start off defensive and then once the dust settles, they are willing to put in the time and effort. From where I'm sitting, she sounds maybe a bit immature. I think the way she handles this moving forward - if there is any moving forward - is going to be how you know for sure.
For me, the vaccine thing alone is a bigger issue than the politics. If you are going to raise children with someone and you are pro-science and they are pro-woo, then that's going to be a huge problem and that shit needs to be addressed right out of the gate. It could be that she's just uninformed and you could be the right person to give her the facts and inform her. But if she's not even open to the discussion then that in and of itself is very telling.
I wish you luck and thank my damn lucky stars that I am not in the dating world.
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Either she's lying out her teeth, or she's a sheep listening to friends / family and posts a bunch of crap and doesn't have a clue what she is posting. I am not a fan of sheeple like that (on either side of the political spectrum.
You are not the asshole.
(I have spent too much time on r/amitheasshole recently)
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What does "pro-woo" mean/stand for?
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https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Woo
I'm pressed for time and this kind of gives an over-view. Marianne Williamson would fall into the "pro-woo" category IMO.
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My friend used to make a fruity shot called a Woowoo and it was delicious. That was a popular shot choice sophomore year in college.
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(https://media0.giphy.com/media/sWBOpINwXnW7K/giphy.gif)
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My friend used to make a fruity shot called a Woowoo and it was delicious. That was a popular shot choice sophomore year in college.
I have had more than one of those myself. :)
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My friend used to make a fruity shot called a Woowoo and it was delicious. That was a popular shot choice sophomore year in college.
I had to look that one up. It sounds delicious and I'd probably be up for one, especially on a hot summer's day. But I could see how a bunch of them could equal a really pounding headache the next day.
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My friend used to make a fruity shot called a Woowoo and it was delicious. That was a popular shot choice sophomore year in college.
I had to look that one up. It sounds delicious and I'd probably be up for one, especially on a hot summer's day. But I could see how a bunch of them could equal a really pounding headache the next day.
Oh yea, that was back in college when I could handle those types of drinks. Now I can't drink too much sugar or I feel really sick.
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My friend used to make a fruity shot called a Woowoo and it was delicious. That was a popular shot choice sophomore year in college.
I had to look that one up. It sounds delicious and I'd probably be up for one, especially on a hot summer's day. But I could see how a bunch of them could equal a really pounding headache the next day.
Oh yea, that was back in college when I could handle those types of drinks. Now I can't drink too much sugar or I feel really sick.
A friend of mine loves drinking those 24 oz Mike's Harders... I like them once in a while but the amount of sugar + alcohol makes for a wicked hangover if you have enough. Blech...
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I feel bloated right after it and uninterested in drinking anymore, I don't even need to wait till the next to to regret drinking more than one of those.
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I'm a vodka guy and the flavored/infused vodkas knock me for a loop. Can't drink them for the hangovers. I'm guessing it's all the sugar, but I have no idea.
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Anyone else start to lose attraction when they find out someone they are interested in makes bad financial decisions?
There was this person I had feelings for, but then I found out that not only did they have massive debt (Not just student loans), but continued to regularly make really bad decisions that put themselves into even more debt. There was Zero thought toward the future. It was solely "I want, I buy". Then rinse and repeat.
Maybe its because I'm looking for someone to have a kid with, which includes many years of financial decisions regarding the kid's well being, but I pretty much lost all interest in the person.
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Yes. I think it becomes important as you get older that you need to be financially responsible. Large debt, not student loans or mortgage or medical, would be a big red flag to me. I know I am not looking to support other people's bad spending habits with my work ethic.
I don't yet have any desire to go out looking for girls, I want to keep working on myself, but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't mind meeting someone cool this weekend at Warped Tour in AC
Yea, so warped weekend in AC was pretty lit :o I met a girl down there, we had some fun, but it's funny because she added me on facebook and her posts are such a huge turn off. Granted, I was never interested in more than someone to meet and have fun with over the weekend, but just seeing how this girl posts on facebook was scary to ever take her seriously (she was aggressive towards anyone). But she took a picture of us and said she wanted to post it on facebook and I had to ask her not to. Kind of awkward, but I really didn't want her sharing pics of us together for my family to see and I don't even really know her. I didn't have a problem being in a picture, just told her facebook is more private for me and she could tag me on twitter or instagram (which she didn't). Maybe I am the weird one now with social media.
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just told her facebook is more private for me and she could tag me on twitter or instagram (which she didn't). Maybe I am the weird one now with social media.
Don't feel weird at all. I know people who do nothing but share 50 memes a day or posts about amber alerts, lost children or lost dogs, yet share zero about their personal life. I use my social media to share things solely about my personal life so my friends and family can see that, and I rarely share stupid crap that nobody cares about. We all use social media differently and you're allowed to say "hey, don't tag me, or put that out there."
Anyone else start to lose attraction when they find out someone they are interested in makes bad financial decisions?
I wouldn't say attraction at this point in my life, but definitely a loss of respect. I have several family member's on my wife's side of the family that drive me crazy with their financial decisions, which continue on and on, year after year. They just don't ever learn, from their past or from advice we all give them. At some point, adults should grow up and learn to manage their money wisely. Yet, here they are, in their 30's, 40's and 60's and each person generally makes dumb decisions when it comes to spending and not saving.
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Anyone else start to lose attraction when they find out someone they are interested in makes bad financial decisions?
At it's core, finances were the primary factor in me never being able to pull the proposal trigger with Victoria. Any resentment or frustration I ever had with her could somehow be traced back to financials. She was so bad with money. We were collectively making $130K a year with no kids and just barely breaking even every month. We had separate bank accounts and she'd just give me $700 a month toward whatever expenses we had. I was trusting her to maybe pay off some of the $80K student loans she had, but that didn't seem to be a priority. Getting an ungodly amount of clothes and multiple candle loot crates a month ($30+ a throw) were more important. I'd get called cheap for not wanting to book an international vacation on a credit card when we weren't making enough to pay it back in a reasonable period of time.
Then came the day when I finally got her to talk about her credit card debt. Now, I always knew she was a train wreck with credit cards. I may have shared here before that I once overheard her, her mother, and her aunt having a conversation about CC use and them telling her things like 'just pay back $10 a month and don't worry about. As long as you give them something, they can't come after you". Anyway, she revealed that not only did she not know how much credit card debt she had, she didn't even know how many cards it was across. Her best guess was "I might have less than $30K in credit card debt". From that point on, my brain noped the fuck out. I stayed around a few more months trying to find any path forward, but I couldn't find one after that.
She started working a ton, blaming it on me and how I never thought she made enough money. What she made meant nothing to me. How she spent what she made meant everything. She was spending $350+ on Uber Eats and Door Dash and putting it all on credit cards. It was madness. It's like the words "interest payments" didn't exist in her reality. I'd try explaining to her how that $30 in Jake's Wayback she just ordered was going to end up costing $100+ by the time she paid it off, but she didn't want to hear it.
Maybe I'm materialistic as hell (I don't think I am), but I'm struggling with this in the dating world now too. It's almost to the point where the girls without college that still work hard but have no student loan debt are more attractive than the ones who went to/are still in school with $75K+ loans. I feel like an asshole for thinking that way some times. I started seeing this other girl recently and we have another date tonight. She's really cool, but she told me when we went out the other night that she doesn't have a 401K plan and doesn't intend to start one (or any kind of alternate). She's 28. I hate saying it, but that alone could be a deal breaker. It's not just the money aspect though, it's the underlying thought process behind it. Unless she's part a family that's got a huge trust for her that I haven't been told about yet, what does one have going on in their head to think that they don't need any kind of financial safety net for down the line? Terminal illness maybe? I don't get it.
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Unless she's part a family that's got a huge trust for her that I haven't been told about yet, what does one have going on in their head to think that they don't need any kind of financial safety net for down the line? Terminal illness maybe? I don't get it.
Just throwing my two cents in here, as a fellow 28 year-old who is struggling to get by: it's really hard to even entertain the idea of a 401k when it's hard enough to pay the bills and try to sock away a little emergency cash. Of course she could be far better off than me, but I know a ton of people my age who haven't even begun to think about anything like that stuff because it's just not within financial grasp to do so. Now of course she might have a 4 year college degree and a dope job. But... you never know what's going on behind the scenes in a person's life. 28 is still pretty young.
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Well, she's young enough that you might be able to get her to change her mind about a retirement plan. I think being anti 401k is much better than being OK with credit card debt. I think under the age of 30 it's hard to grasp saving for retirement, so I could let that slip a bit and see where she is with everything else before letting that be a hold up. 30k in credit card debt is fucking scary though and not knowing about it makes me think it's probably even worse.
I find smartness attractive personally. If you aren't on or near my intelligence level, things just aren't going to work. Handling finances is part of that, especially as we get older. I couldn't care how much you make (my x made very little, it was never an issue since she lived in her means) but how you think about and treat your money and valuables is important.
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Unless she's part a family that's got a huge trust for her that I haven't been told about yet, what does one have going on in their head to think that they don't need any kind of financial safety net for down the line? Terminal illness maybe? I don't get it.
Just throwing my two cents in here, as a fellow 28 year-old who is struggling to get by: it's really hard to even entertain the idea of a 401k when it's hard enough to pay the bills and try to sock away a little emergency cash. Of course she could be far better off than me, but I know a ton of people my age who haven't even begun to think about anything like that stuff because it's just not within financial grasp to do so. Now of course she might have a 4 year college degree and a dope job. But... you never know what's going on behind the scenes in a person's life. 28 is still pretty young.
Oh I get that. I have many friends that are in the same boat. I've also seen long marriages implode because of financial differences, and I'm really just trying to avoid that. I sympathize, for sure. And again, it's more of her not having the intention of starting one that I see as a red flag, not necessarily the fact she doesn't have one yet. She's a single homeowner working two jobs just like me. There could be an underlying story I don't know about, and I'm willing to stick around until I hear it.
Well, she's young enough that you might be able to get her to change her mind about a retirement plan. I think being anti 401k is much better than being OK with credit card debt. I think under the age of 30 it's hard to grasp saving for retirement, so I could let that slip a bit and see where she is with everything else before letting that be a hold up. 30k in credit card debt is fucking scary though and not knowing about it makes me think it's probably even worse.
I try to lean this way too.
I'm not bragging here, I hope it's not interpreted as such. I'm just putting where my head is at into context. I'm a half year out from turning 31 and I just crossed $75K in my 401K accounts. Getting my plan going at the age of 21 will most likely be the smartest financial move I ever make. Even when I was only making $11-$12 an hour, I was still sticking 10% of my gross in there. My life could go to complete shit. I could end up in a gutter for the next 35 years eating out of dumpsters, but when I'm eligible, I'm going to have a few hundred thousands dollars at my disposal just because of what's in there now. If I manage to not fuck up too bad and stay corporate until I retire, and assuming a 5% annual average, a $1.5M 401K balance is well within reach. I can't help but think that if I found a girl in a similar position with the same outlook, retirement and the later years should be worry free. I'm seeing so many people in my parents' age bracket (early to mid 60s) who are all now in full on panics as they realize they're approaching 70 and have next to nothing saved up. It's a position I don't ever want to be in.
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Yea I understand. If she is a homeowner though, that's a positive for a financial analysis if you want to call it that. A home is an investment too. I think my only point was that no 401k is something I could look past but 30k in credit debt I couldn't.
Also you mentioned the amount spent on ubereats and whatnot, damn how true is that. I haven't eaten out in quite a bit now (and ordered delivery even longer) and it's saving me so much money. It's actually allowing me to keep my concert habbit while making up my brother's lost rent on my house by just not eating out :lol Damn I spent a lot of money on food when eating out. Yesterday's food bill was like 5 bucks from just eating shit I bought and made compared to a $10 lunch and $15 dinner I would often eat.
Which then leads me back to working out and dieting which is something I've been working hard at. I haven't weighed myself in awhile so I couldn't tell you pounds lost, but I could give you a metric of going down two belt buckles already and that my pants and shirts are all very loose now. Been 2 months since the break up so that's 2 months of dieting and slowly building up a work out routine. I am able to fit into some shirts I haven't in awhile. It feels good. I'm not there yet, but I can see results now.
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I got you, Chino. :tup I get what you're saying and where you're coming from. Just throwing my hat in the ring for a minute. No judgment whatsoever.
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Unless she's part a family that's got a huge trust for her that I haven't been told about yet, what does one have going on in their head to think that they don't need any kind of financial safety net for down the line? Terminal illness maybe? I don't get it.
Just throwing my two cents in here, as a fellow 28 year-old who is struggling to get by: it's really hard to even entertain the idea of a 401k when it's hard enough to pay the bills and try to sock away a little emergency cash. Of course she could be far better off than me, but I know a ton of people my age who haven't even begun to think about anything like that stuff because it's just not within financial grasp to do so. Now of course she might have a 4 year college degree and a dope job. But... you never know what's going on behind the scenes in a person's life. 28 is still pretty young.
Relatively late regarding these posts, but I'm turning 27 in a few weeks, and I want to start a 401k, but I don't know how I want to go about it that can get me maximum value. It also doesn't help that when it comes to expenses like making monthly car payments and rent and then I take a look at my bank account, I think that the time is not right now to start a 401k for me. It's not like I'm lighting money on fire. I try to keep my regular spending habits (food, gas, occasional parking pass for concerts) to around $150.00 every two weeks. It also doesn't help that I may be in transition of jobs in a couple of months so I need to save what I can earn for the time being. Maybe, once things become more stabilized I can look more into investing and start a 401k and then look more into the future (which I always have in mind).
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Just got home from work, noticed an instagram alert, my x liked a video. OK WTF, I stopped following her and I know she doesn't follow me. When I got home I checked and there was no actual like. So I know this happens because I tested wtih a friend, it means she liked it but then unliked once realizing she liked it thinking the alert wouldn't go out but it does anyway. So she's browsing my IG. It kind of makes me really really mad and I'm not sure that's justified to be so mad but it makes me start to think about things when it's now been almost 3 full months being broken up and I blocked her on social media so I don't see her and get upset but she's browing through my profile (I keep my IG open to the public since its mostly concert footage). >:(
Anyway, I'm about to go to a concert and meet up with a girl actually. We met last week at the 311 concert, well we met online and turns out we were both going so we met up (and I met her Mom who she was with, definitely a first for me to meet a girl and her mom at once) and we both were going to go to this one so we will meet up again. I'm not terribly interested in this girl, our texting convos have been way too bland for my liking, I'll see how tonight goes I guess, but I'm already put into a mental frenzy by a like...
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Go get it dude, and have fun :metal
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Just got home from work, noticed an instagram alert, my x liked a video. OK WTF, I stopped following her and I know she doesn't follow me. When I got home I checked and there was no actual like. So I know this happens because I tested wtih a friend, it means she liked it but then unliked once realizing she liked it thinking the alert wouldn't go out but it does anyway. So she's browsing my IG. It kind of makes me really really mad and I'm not sure that's justified to be so mad but it makes me start to think about things when it's now been almost 3 full months being broken up and I blocked her on social media so I don't see her and get upset but she's browing through my profile (I keep my IG open to the public since its mostly concert footage). >:(
Anyway, I'm about to go to a concert and meet up with a girl actually. We met last week at the 311 concert, well we met online and turns out we were both going so we met up (and I met her Mom who she was with, definitely a first for me to meet a girl and her mom at once) and we both were going to go to this one so we will meet up again. I'm not terribly interested in this girl, our texting convos have been way too bland for my liking, I'll see how tonight goes I guess, but I'm already put into a mental frenzy by a like...
That would have bothered me as well. I am so glad I deleted all social media before my last major break up. Out of sight, out of mind made the incredibly difficult process of moving on just a little bit easier. And If I saw my ex was liking my posts, that would screw with my head.
Best of luck with the current date.
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Go get it dude, and have fun :metal
This. Don't ever accept any relationship advice from me without a pinch of salt, but I believe that if you have ever broken up with someone, you two have had some serious issues and if you'll ever get back together they are sure to bubble up to surface sometime. Don't be giving your precious time away by thinking about her, keep going forward. And if you have someone who likes the same bands you do, that's already a good sign (although her mother hanging out with her is a bit weird... maybe she just was a big 311 fan in the nineties :biggrin:).
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Hey guys. Just checking in. That girl I went on a date with? We’ve been dating for almost four months now and I couldn’t be happier. So I wanted to come back in here to remind everyone that even when things feel hopeless, better days are ahead.
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That's awesome Count.
As for the girl and her mother, I told her last night I have no interest.
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As for the girl and her mother, I told her last night I have no interest.
Just out of curiosity... How did you go about it?
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As for the girl and her mother, I told her last night I have no interest.
Just out of curiosity... How did you go about it?
It was kind of weird. We hung out a bit at the concert and she had seats not far from mine but there were empty seats so she came by my seat for a bit and she actually sat for the band while everyone else was standing. I already felt like I had little interest with her based on our conversation for the last week and her sitting down just was like hitting the final nail in the coffin. She asked me if I wanted to go to her seats, I really didn't want to, but I said OK I'll go say hi to your mom but turned out people had filled in so there were no empty seats anymore by her. THANK YOU GOD :lol I said I got to go to the bathroom and that I'll just be at my seat after. So I had my escape and I enjoyed the rest of the show without her. She messaged me as it was ending and I just responded back with "it was nice meeting you but I dont feel any connection. I'll probably run into you again so I hope we can be friend" which she responded saying "thats fine, we can be friends" and then had an awesome 30 minute conversation with a random girl who looked just like Charlotte from Delain after the show. Shit I cancelled my uber so we could keep chatting while she waited for her train. Too bad she had a bf otherwise I would have asked for her number.
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As for the girl and her mother, I told her last night I have no interest.
Just out of curiosity... How did you go about it?
It was kind of weird. We hung out a bit at the concert and she had seats not far from mine but there were empty seats so she came by my seat for a bit and she actually sat for the band while everyone else was standing. I already felt like I had little interest with her based on our conversation for the last week and her sitting down just was like hitting the final nail in the coffin. She asked me if I wanted to go to her seats, I really didn't want to, but I said OK I'll go say hi to your mom but turned out people had filled in so there were no empty seats anymore by her. THANK YOU GOD :lol I said I got to go to the bathroom and that I'll just be at my seat after. So I had my escape and I enjoyed the rest of the show without her. She messaged me as it was ending and I just responded back with "it was nice meeting you but I dont feel any connection. I'll probably run into you again so I hope we can be friend" which she responded saying "thats fine, we can be friends" and then had an awesome 30 minute conversation with a random girl who looked just like Charlotte from Delain after the show. Shit I cancelled my uber so we could keep chatting while she waited for her train. Too bad she had a bf otherwise I would have asked for her number.
Kind of a bummer about girl No.2
I've been seeing a girl for about a month now, and I don't think I'm feeling it. She's in a very similar situation to me. She bought a house with her BF, got engaged, he cheated on her, and now she's supporting a mortgage on her own. Like me, she's working two jobs to make it work.
She's a hard worker. She's really nice and sweet. There are no red flags that I've seen yet. She's really cute... but something just isn't clicking. She's down to hear me talk about stuff and is interested in learning new things, but I'm having trouble engaging in any kind of mentally stimulating conversation. We've seen each other 10 or 11 times now and no conversation has really gone beyond stories from our childhood, work stuff, or movies/music. She likes me a lot, and is always excited when she gets to come over or I get to go over there. We've made about a bunch and have been a bit intimate, but no sex yet. I'm admittedly getting a bit frustrated there. That may or may not make me an asshole. I'm not sure.
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I don't mind holding out on the sex if everything else is right, but it sounds like that's not the case. The conversation part is important to me, and if it's not happening from the beginning when two people have the most to talk to about then it's just not going to happen later. If you aren't feeling it then it's probably best to end it sooner than later.
Kind of weird thing also happened last night, as I was walking around the venue (actually trying to find the girl) I was scanning the crowd near me and made eye contact with a girl that I dated a few years ago :lol so I went over and said hello and some small talk because I didn't want to run away and be all awkward, I'd like to be able to have friendly conversations with people from the past. I felt like that was such a trip though, this whole summer of being alone, trying to meet new girls, seeing old girls... I don't know, it's messing with me a bit. I just got to keep working on myself, I'm going to need some new clothes real soon as my pants and shirts are getting too big. I should probably just keep focussing on that and not trying to meet people, but what can I say, I'm lonely.
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It's starting to mess with me big time. I've gone out on dates with 9 girls in the last 2 months, and have held multiple day conversations with dozens. None of them do anything for me. Like nothing at all. For the first time in my life, I'm the one ghosting people. I don't know if I'm being too picky or what, but it's really freaking discouraging. And I swear, if one more girl tells me she suffers from anxiety attacks, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. Is that the cool thing to have now or something? It's unbelievable how many have mentioned anxiety problems. One girl the other night let me finger blast her for about 15 minutes, but as soon as I moved her hand onto my crotch (cock still in pants mind you) she made me stop, got up, and said she should get going. When I tried talking to her about it the next day, she said she started having an anxiety attack. What the fuck? My right arm was practically numb from the most intense workout it's gotten in months. What direction did she think I thought it was going?
Also, as much as it kills me to admit, I'm having a really hard time not comparing every girl (not in a sexual way) to Victoria. I've never met someone that could carry a conversation in my language like she did, and I'm starting to think it's a damn near impossible mission.
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:rollin on the finger blast anxiety
but damn dude I feel the exact same way about the comparisons and feeling a bit hopeless.
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It didn't help me at all yesterday when she sent me a particular text.
We still trade off the dog. I have him most of the time, but every now and then she'll ask me if she could have him for a few days and I always let her take him. She calls me at 4:30 in the morning yesterday saying that the dog was acting really weird and she was worried, etc... I told her to watch him, drop him off at my house, and I'd leave work early to make sure he was alright (he was fine).
Later on in the evening she asked me how he was doing, and I said he seemed fine, was eating, and playing with my mother's dogs as if everything was fine. I get the following text in response:
Okay. Great. I have been on all edge all day. So worried about him. Thank you for the updates and for being there today. And I know it doesn't matter, but I am truly sorry for how everything has been over the last two years. If I could go back in time and change things, I would.
:censored
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I've felt myself becoming more and more of a one man version of our little Club here. It's amazing how we start to rationalize certain things when we are in a questionable state of mind. So I'll leave you with a quote of the show New Girl, episode 'Tomatoes'. When Nick decides to try again with his ex (backsliding) that dumped him and left him broken, Jess says in a rather disappointed tone, "That is pathetic Nick. You're just saying that because you don't have the patience or the courage to be alone." It's not a new idea to me, but I definitely find solace in showing the strength to do what's right, not just what's "easy", or what will satisfy the voice inside my head that won't shut the fuck up.
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Tell her to let you know when she secures an '83 DeLorean and figures out how to harness 1.21 GW.
Those kinds of apology always strike me as being made with good intentions, but are really more about the person forgiving themselves for their mistakes.
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Chino, that text would drive me insane. I don't know how you could continue to share the dog, I feel like I need a complete break because even things as small as my x liking an IG post made me go a little bonkers in my head.
Sylvan, I wouldn't say I don't have the courage to be alone, it's more the desire, but I know what you mean about nothing being easy and I know first hand how difficult this has been and continues to be. Just got to keep working on myself.
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Cram, it wasn't meant to be directed AT anyone, but more something FOR everyone. It's an important thing for all single people who don't want to be single to remember. And if anything, it should help to free people up and let things happen more naturally. I think all of us have had a moment when we were willing to "force" something just because it's easier than the alternative, which is being alone. I go back and forth on which one of those ideas will win out lol.
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I've got no issues with being alone. I've been alone for 13 months now. Many aspects of it are awesome.
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I've got no issues with being alone. I've been alone for 13 months now. Many aspects of it are awesome.
Ya know, that's something interesting that I think about sometimes. Firstly, when months turn to years, it becomes more of an existential challenge. But then I think about the ways my life would change for the "worse" if I found someone to be with, all the things I would have to give up. There are definitely aspects of the single life that are very awesome.
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I've been alone for 7 years now and I intend to die alone :neverusethis:
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I often think about how I'm probably meant to be alone, I actually do enjoy living alone. I have so much freedom and the ability to do whatever my heart desires. None of my relationships have worked out, I am extremely selfish, this all seems like it's probably meant to be in some ways. I'm just not used to it yet and things like my x stalking my IG continue to freak me out, so it's an adjustment and a challenge. Maybe I should grab it by the horns a little harder and embrace it more instead of worrying about my future.
I should also add what makes it harder is that my coworker has been in Singapore so I've also been working solo for the last few weeks. There's people in my building, not many, but it's no one from my company and I work in my own area of the building by myself. It's also odd to really not interact with many people in person for days at a time. Probably why my concert attendance is going up just so I can be in a social environment. Speaking of, since I've got so much freedom, I'm thinking of maybe catching Iron Maiden again in Hartford Saturday. Being able to do things like that on the fly is definitely a positive of the living solo life and I can afford it since I'm not taking any girls out for drinks or dinner.
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It's also odd to really not interact with many people in person for days at a time.
This is EXACTLY why I made the comments earlier about having the courage and patience to be alone. My current life situation has me feeling like I'm in prison sometimes, cutoff from the world, unsure of how to get off the bench and back in the game (of Life, not just dating). Let's just say that I can top Kat's 7 years alone, and it's easy to start to look for ways out. But I just have to remind myself to do what's RIGHT, not just what's easy.
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I truly love being alone.
Before getting engaged and having a legit long term relationship (which fell apart), I was absolutely terrified to be alone. I thought it meant I was a failure and I looked at a relationship as what I needed to complete me. I looked at it as the finish line and felt like everyone was so happy in the their perfect relationships. I was so wrong.
The grass may seem greener on the other side, but once you get there you start to see the flaws and cracks in it all. I now cherish the peace, quiet and tranquility of being on my own. Every relationship I have been in has had frustration, arguing and non sense. I can not stand being hassled and nagged, or having fights and passive aggressiveness out of nowhere. Being single is so simple and stress free.
Now if someone came along that I actually can get along well with, cool. If not, then that's cool too. I love the life I have built for myself and just keeps getting better.
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I've often joked with my friends that the perfect girlfriend for me is basically a roommate I could see maybe once a day and have passing conversations with, while we spend most of the day in separate rooms. :lol
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For what it's worth, being happy in a relationship and being happy alone are both muscles that need to be worked out. It's good to learn how to create a life for and by yourself without the need to run to a suboptimal relationship, but it's also good to learn how to be happy in relationships even when the other person can't read your mind. Different people lean different ways and need to hear different advice, this is just my attempt to make it more universal.
Humans are social creatures, and isolating yourself will lead to a need to get back out there eventually, but then you'll be annoyed by the "offer" because nothing compares to the highly optimized entertainment you can give yourself, and then you'll go back home and put a few more bricks in the wall. It can be a vicious cycle. It's an even more vicious cycle when you don't like being alone with yourself, so you get back with the crappy ex, and then you hate yourself and being with yourself a little more.
I've been on both sides of this. I'm an odd duck. Most people aren't too into things I'm into, entertainment-wise, and my husband is one of them. I'll never be able to share some stuff I like with him because he will never get into it. I'm sure he feels the same way about some stuff he is into. We do share a lot of things, we're not worlds apart, but it's not like he's "my other half" - some friends come closer to that moniker than he does, and I can't compete with some of his friends either in that sense. I prefer hiking on rainy days, and he prefers hiking on sunny days. I like to be as close to the front row as possible when we're seeing a concert, he wants to be out of the crowd as much as possible, so every concert is a compromise. I'm a flexitarian, he will not eat a single meal without beef or pork - I kid you not, his favorite bisquits are made with pork fat instead of butter :lol But when he's away or I'm away, those daily annoyances just melt away, and I only remember the fun we're having. And being able to have sex and cuddle with a compatible person whenever I like is a big bonus.
Maybe it's because I'm in an extreme situation - we moved away together into a country where we didn't know anyone and we still don't know too many people. It's expensive to fly back and forth so most of our friends will never visit us, we have to come to them. Because of that, I look back on all the hangouts I missed because I wasn't in the mood to talk or all the annoyances I had sharing my daily life with people I now miss, and I want to grab myself by the shoulders and give myself a gentle shake, just to nudge me out of my introvert shell. Most people will never be in this situation. But if you recognize yourself in this, maybe this is the advice for you.
I used to share a room with my brother and every time he went out it was like a holiday - I can finally be alone! Do all the things I want all by myself! Well, turns out what I like doing by myself is very average. I like to write things - not anything loads of people like to read, just music reviews and personal blogs and stuff. I like to listen to music. I like to read the news and watch cartoons. My brother is also very average - he follows sports, he watches movies and he plays video games. It's all just... consuming content. It's not like we were working on a creative hobby or our health or traveling. Just pleasing ourselves with content that goes straight into the brain to trigger happy hormones the easy way. But when we did that together, those were the most fun times I remember and that I would kill to have more of, instead of having us both with our own pair of headphones enjoying shit on our own desktop computers, separately. Ten years ago we stayed up all night listening to a Kansas compilation and discussing it, and I still vividly remember it as one of the best times I had with him. Even though he's an annoying know-it-all who pretends to know what prog is :lol
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Good post Mora, I wanted to ask a question to all those 7 years plus being alone and you briefly touched upon it...
And being able to have sex and cuddle with a compatible person whenever I like is a big bonus.
Do any of you guys miss this? I think the hardest part about being alone is not having any sex, and if I do have sex (I got laid at warped tour last month) there's no passion, it's just sex. I'm getting older and my sex drive isn't quite what it was 10 years ago, but it still drives me for sure.
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I only write this to give support, but reading this thread is like a massive punch of deja vu all over again. Almost every single part of it (except the anxiety; I was dating a slightly older group of women, and so it was different. I've written about this before: women who married their high school sweetheart, and found out, 20 years and two kids later, that Trevor was still mentally in 12th grade).
The big one for me: the "connection" part of things.
I met a wonderful woman, 40, funny, cute, smart, into my music, didn't mind a couple Guiness on St. Patty's Day... seemed perfect on paper, and yet... when we kissed? NOTHING. Not even a blip. Nada. In hindsight, I would have loved to have been her friend, or concert buddy, but it wasn't meant to be.
All I can say is "Be you". If it doesn't feel right, trust your gut that it ISN'T right. There's no right answer here (though my path was closest to Cram's, it seems), so the only person that you can really help is you.
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And being able to have sex and cuddle with a compatible person whenever I like is a big bonus.
But see, more often than not that only goes one way (At least from stories I heard and my own situation). I've been with my partner for almost 9 years, and the times we have sex is usually when she wants to, not necessarily when I do. There are times I want to and the "I'm tired" or "not today" comes up, yet when she wants to I'm always ready. It drives me crazy to the point that I am trying less and just wait her initiate things.
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And being able to have sex and cuddle with a compatible person whenever I like is a big bonus.
But see, more often than not that only goes one way (At least from stories I heard and my own situation). I've been with my partner for almost 9 years, and the times we have sex is usually virtually always when she wants to, not necessarily when I do. There are times I want to and the "I'm tired" or "not today" comes up, yet when she wants to I'm always EXPECTED TO BE ready. It drives me crazy to the point that I am trying less and just wait her initiate things.
I hear ya... and added a little clarification as to my marriage. I mean, god forbid that I say 'not in the mood'. And it's quite demoralizing to initiate something, and 90% of the time, I'm shot down. I hardly ever initiate.
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Good post Mora, I wanted to ask a question to all those 7 years plus being alone and you briefly touched upon it...
And being able to have sex and cuddle with a compatible person whenever I like is a big bonus.
Do any of you guys miss this? I think the hardest part about being alone is not having any sex, and if I do have sex (I got laid at warped tour last month) there's no passion, it's just sex. I'm getting older and my sex drive isn't quite what it was 10 years ago, but it still drives me for sure.
That was a major problem for the first few weeks post break up. Worrying about losing access to intimacy and that includes (closeness/cuddling + sex). That alone postponed a final break up for WAY too long.
And there was only one time I had sex just to have sex, where there was no intimacy connection and I felt sick to my stomach afterward. Definitely not for me. Sure, I could jump on my Harley, hit the bars and flash some cash and a little game and get laid, but that means nothing to me. I value the connection part of a relationship.
But see, more often than not that only goes one way (At least from stories I heard and my own situation). I've been with my partner for almost 9 years, and the times we have sex is usually when she wants to, not necessarily when I do. There are times I want to and the "I'm tired" or "not today" comes up, yet when she wants to I'm always ready. It drives me crazy to the point that I am trying less and just wait her initiate things.
Luckily none of my relationships never made it far enough to deal with that :lol but yeah, that really sucks though.
There's even a whole reddit dedicated to it
https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/
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And being able to have sex and cuddle with a compatible person whenever I like is a big bonus.
But see, more often than not that only goes one way (At least from stories I heard and my own situation). I've been with my partner for almost 9 years, and the times we have sex is usually virtually always when she wants to, not necessarily when I do. There are times I want to and the "I'm tired" or "not today" comes up, yet when she wants to I'm always EXPECTED TO BE ready. It drives me crazy to the point that I am trying less and just wait her initiate things.
I hear ya... and added a little clarification as to my marriage. I mean, god forbid that I say 'not in the mood'. And it's quite demoralizing to initiate something, and 90% of the time, I'm shot down. I hardly ever initiate.
TMI, I'm sure, but we might have married sisters. ;)
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And being able to have sex and cuddle with a compatible person whenever I like is a big bonus.
But see, more often than not that only goes one way (At least from stories I heard and my own situation). I've been with my partner for almost 9 years, and the times we have sex is usually virtually always when she wants to, not necessarily when I do. There are times I want to and the "I'm tired" or "not today" comes up, yet when she wants to I'm always EXPECTED TO BE ready. It drives me crazy to the point that I am trying less and just wait her initiate things.
I hear ya... and added a little clarification as to my marriage. I mean, god forbid that I say 'not in the mood'. And it's quite demoralizing to initiate something, and 90% of the time, I'm shot down. I hardly ever initiate.
@ both of you: this happens a lot more than you think. Learning about the concept of responsive desire and Esther Perel's book Mating in Captivity really helped me gain perspective about why I'm losing attraction/not working on being attractive, and working how to mitigate that. I wish I could get my husband to read it, alas nonfiction is one of those things he's just not into :lol
after a while, when you get into a "one initiates/one is a passive recipient of initiation" mode, the initiatee often starts taking the initiator for granted. It's just one of those things that, when you volunteer to do, people just stop volunteering around you. Common human dynamic that doesn't only apply to sex. Wish we came up with a good way to solve it. Imagine if one day you showed up to work and everyone else volunteered to do their fair share that you've been helping them with :angel:
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That makes sense Mora, and I can add that I experienced the same situation in a previous and my most serious past relationship. I was initiator and eventually when shit started getting sour in our relationship and I stopped initiating, the sex completely stopped and that was the end of us (well, took my lame ass a full year of being in a relationship with no sex before finally having the balls to end it).
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Good post Mora, I wanted to ask a question to all those 7 years plus being alone and you briefly touched upon it...
And being able to have sex and cuddle with a compatible person whenever I like is a big bonus.
Do any of you guys miss this? I think the hardest part about being alone is not having any sex, and if I do have sex (I got laid at warped tour last month) there's no passion, it's just sex. I'm getting older and my sex drive isn't quite what it was 10 years ago, but it still drives me for sure.
Honestly, I've never had sex with someone that I had legitimate romantic feelings towards. Every time I've had sex, there's an immediate change in mental state. I'm all for being someplace else. And it's not a negative feeling, no disgust in myself or her, it has nothing to do with anything that just happened. I just would rather be sitting on my couch, smoking a bowl. And I'm convinced that it's because I'm not totally into the person emotionally. And I've said to myself that I don't want to experience that anymore, and would rather wait to be with someone that I want to still be around after we're done having sex.
That being said, I've never let the prospect of sex influence my decisions. I lost my virginity at a later age than most people, and the one relationship I've had that could have "provided" regular sex, I broke off when she wanted to get more serious because I knew I didn't feel that way about her. As I write this right now, I'm kinda realizing that the two things are related. My conscious efforts to not let sex be a deciding factor have led to my wanting to experience that with someone that means more to me.
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Am I being too picky with my prospects?
I went out with a girl last night who didn't know state flags were a thing. She's 28 and was completely unaware that each state had its own flag. I stopped in my tracks and was dumbfounded in complete awe at that fact. That alone has made me not interested in pursuing things further. Do I need to lighten up here?
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Am I being too picky with my prospects?
I went out with a girl last night who didn't know state flags were a thing. She's 28 and was completely unaware that each state had its own flag. I stopped in my tracks and was dumbfounded in complete awe at that fact. That alone has made me not interested in pursuing things further. Do I need to lighten up here?
If that's the only thing, then yea probably. People don't know random things even things you think are common knowledge. If she was a total airhead, then I think that's good reason. If she just doesn't know something, that honestly comes up very little if at all in ones life (I know states have flags, I can't recall what NJ's looks like nor do I know what our state bird is or anything like that), then I think it's pretty rough to give up on her that easily.
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I see a world of date-night opportunities though!!
(https://i.imgur.com/m4x8S6n.png)
Seriously, I'm of two minds on this, because I'm similar in some ways. I'll overlook huge things, but - and not really joking here, because sometimes I wish I was - I've broken up with/not gone back out with girls with chipped nail polish. I don't know what it is, but I have like a phobia with chipped nail polish (I don't mean one little chip, I mean when it gets to the little circle in the middle of the nail kind of thing). Though I'm not really a fan of any nail polish to be honest.
I think it's whether you see it as a singular thing or a sign of something bigger. Did she really impress you in other ways?
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Am I being too picky with my prospects?
I went out with a girl last night who didn't know state flags were a thing. She's 28 and was completely unaware that each state had its own flag. I stopped in my tracks and was dumbfounded in complete awe at that fact. That alone has made me not interested in pursuing things further. Do I need to lighten up here?
To be fair, this is the first time I've seen a discussion on state flags since my high school civics class in junior year which was 11 years ago, and I'm her age. I say cut her some slack on that one. :lol I know they exist but I couldn't describe any of them to you. I don't even know my state bird or song.
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Am I being too picky with my prospects?
I went out with a girl last night who didn't know state flags were a thing. She's 28 and was completely unaware that each state had its own flag. I stopped in my tracks and was dumbfounded in complete awe at that fact. That alone has made me not interested in pursuing things further. Do I need to lighten up here?
This is probably why I enjoyed Seinfeld so much. Every episode they found new stuff to break up over :lol
For me, the state flag thing would have raised an eyebrow, but I would have probably probed a little further. If I can suss out and confirm they are an Air head or have no common sense, then that definitely is a deal breaker.
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Am I being too picky with my prospects?
I went out with a girl last night who didn't know state flags were a thing. She's 28 and was completely unaware that each state had its own flag. I stopped in my tracks and was dumbfounded in complete awe at that fact. That alone has made me not interested in pursuing things further. Do I need to lighten up here?
To be fair, this is the first time I've seen a discussion on state flags since my high school civics class in junior year which was 11 years ago, and I'm her age. I say cut her some slack on that one. :lol I know they exist but I couldn't describe any of them to you. I don't even know my state bird or song.
Yeah, but that's the kicker. You know they EXIST! And state birds and songs... Bravo my friend! Apparently that bit of "trivia" is beyond her lol.
But in all seriousness, I'll echo others thoughts in deciding whether it was a red flag. If it's an indication of anything more (which it just might be, because I find it very strange to not know of their existence), we can't really say. Are you prepared to be stopped on the street by Jay Leno with a microphone and camera and have your girl not know how many states there are?
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Yes, you need to lighten up a bit. Get to know her more. I know they exist because I like to know things and I look stuff up, but not everyone is like that. Maybe she is more interested and more knowledgeable in other topics.
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I'd go out with her again, and ask two questions: "What's the last book you read?" and "That Jenny McCarthy; she's a pip, no?" and see what she says. If you get any of the following - "Horton Hears A Who", "Oh my god, she's AWESOME what she's doing for the kids with those vaccines!" or "what's a pip?" - excuse yourself to the men's room, slip the waiter $20 to show you the kitchen door, and get out of Dodge!
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Yeah, that bit of knowledge alone (or lack thereof) would not be a dealbreaker for me.
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I can get behind Chino with this. Something like that would really bug the shit out of me.
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Did she have big hands too?
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Somewhat related: I remember how my best friend, his girlfriend (or could've been wife at that point) and I were flying to Amsterdam via a connecting flight in Frankfurt four years ago and once we got on the first plane (Moscow - Frankfurt) she said "Frankfurt, that's in France, right?" and I died inside a little bit.
She's a great doctor and a great person, but apparently she just sucks at geography.
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I called it off with flag girl. At trivia the other night she thought "4" was an odd number. Not odd as in strange, but odd as in the opposite of even.
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I called it off with flag girl. At trivia the other night she thought "4" was an odd number. Not odd as in strange, but odd as in the opposite of even.
Okay, forget what I said, you made the right choice. :lol
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:rollin yea, sounds like an airhead then which is definitely a fair reason to back away. That's also significantly worse than the state flags.
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Yeah, good move. The last thing you need is to come home one day and the laundry is in the crib and the baby in the drier. :P
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I called it off with flag girl. At trivia the other night she thought "4" was an odd number. Not odd as in strange, but odd as in the opposite of even.
Holy shit.
Yeaaaa... that's when you excuse yourself to go take a piss, and then climb out the window and run.
I was going to say jump off a balcony but... could be bad taste :P
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I called it off with flag girl. At trivia the other night she thought "4" was an odd number. Not odd as in strange, but odd as in the opposite of even.
Holy shit.
Yeaaaa... that's when you excuse yourself to go take a piss, and then climb out the window and run.
I was going to say jump off a balcony but... could be bad taste :P
You dick! <3
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I called it off with flag girl. At trivia the other night she thought "4" was an odd number. Not odd as in strange, but odd as in the opposite of even.
Where do you hang out that this is considered "trivia"?
And yeah, she's dumber than dirt.
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I called it off with flag girl. At trivia the other night she thought "4" was an odd number. Not odd as in strange, but odd as in the opposite of even.
Where do you hang out that this is considered "trivia"?
And yeah, she's dumber than dirt.
I think the question was "How many Star Wars movies did George Lucas direct?". Neither of us knew the answer, and her reply was "I'd go with 4. It's one of my favorite odd numbers".
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:facepalm: She has a favorite odd number but doesn't know what they are? :lol
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:rollin :rollin :rollin
"favorite odd number" .... 4
that makes it even worse and hell of lot funnier :lol
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Are you SURE that wasn't a joke? That's something I would say, though maybe not on a date...
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I am 99.6% positive.
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Wow.
I can't even :lol
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Also... I think she was right... He directed A New Hope, and then the prequel trilogy.
Maybe... maybe she actually is a genius!
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I mean...how many people heard this? No one said anything? Even if you or others thought it was a joke, surely someone would have just been like "haha...4, an odd number...haha... <.< >.> "
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I mean...how many people heard this? No one said anything? Even if you or others thought it was a joke, surely someone would have just been like "haha...4, an odd number...haha... <.< >.> "
Just me. It was just the two of us on the team. I kind of paused and then didn't say anything. I didn't want to be a dick if she legit thought it was an odd number.
I will also add that she thought back to the future was overrated and that it's not even worth her time to watch the sequels.
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To be fair, she DID know how many Star Wars films Lucas directed.
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To be fair, she DID know how many Star Wars films Lucas directed.
She guessed. She never saw Star Wars.
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Well, at least she was right about BTTF. :P
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Well, at least she was right about BTTF. :P
I formally request a permaban for Kattelox.
Reason: Hate speech.
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:rollin
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I mayyyy feel the same Kat here.... I'll see myself out
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To be fair, she DID know how many Star Wars films Lucas directed.
She guessed. She never saw Star Wars.
I sometimes wonder how some people make it through life.
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To be fair, she DID know how many Star Wars films Lucas directed.
She guessed. She never saw Star Wars.
I sometimes wonder how some people make it through life.
I watched my first Star Wars movie (ep.4) maybe two years ago now... Didn't care for it.
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To be fair, she DID know how many Star Wars films Lucas directed.
She guessed. She never saw Star Wars.
I sometimes wonder how some people make it through life.
I watched my first Star Wars movie (ep.4) maybe two years ago now... Didn't care for it.
But at least you know what State Flags are...
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<Suspicious look> What's your favorite prime number?
:) :) :)
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<Suspicious look> What's your favorite prime number?
:) :) :)
17 because it's still a prime number when re-ordered
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<Suspicious look> What's your favorite prime number?
:) :) :)
17 because it's still a prime number when re-ordered
So is 3
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My favorite prime number is FUN. *Sips aperol spritz*
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So I have a date or meetup or whatever with an OK Cupid girl on Wednesday.
She has a 9 year old daughter and is 3'11. I am not sure how well this will go. First first-date in like 20 months.
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The daughter is 3'11" or your date?
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The daughter is 3'11" or your date?
I thought the same thing :lol
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Make sure she brings her daughter's booster seat. Hope you're not going to an amusement park.
I haven't had a first date in 7 years. You'll do fine. :lol
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The daughter is 3'11" or your date?
I thought the same thing :lol
That makes 3.
@ Katt... I haven't had a first date in 22 years!
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Yeah, but you have a wife. I have nobody. (Oh god that sounds so lonely :rollin)
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The daughter is 3'11" or your date?
Possibly both. But definitely the date.
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Adami! Have fun!
Remember... no matter how tempting... you CANNOT use short people as an armrest... without their consent!
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And regardless of her height, I'm sure she'll be tall enough to ride :eyebrows:
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Adami! Have fun!
Remember... no matter how tempting... you CANNOT use short people as an armrest... without their consent!
Stop ruining my excitement!
I think when I told Bout to Crash about it, she was just like 'OMG HIT THAT!"
Some people. ....
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:lol I'd assume she's got a cool personality if you are willing to meet someone after so long, so who cares about the height if she's cool. Have fun and be loose.
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:lol I'd assume she's got a cool personality if you are willing to meet someone after so long, so who cares about the height if she's cool. Have fun and be loose.
Oh it's not that I've waited for any grand reason. I just kept moving and wasn't in a position to start anything.
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So Jackie. I love it.
Adami, I know you enough that your mind will be on overdrive. Enjoy the moment and analyze after.
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So Jackie. I love it.
Adami, I know you enough that your mind will be on overdrive. Enjoy the moment and analyze after.
It’s cool. I don’t stress the little things.
I’ll see you all in hell.
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I love you too baby.
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:lol I'd assume she's got a cool personality if you are willing to meet someone after so long, so who cares about the height if she's cool. Have fun and be loose.
Oh it's not that I've waited for any grand reason. I just kept moving and wasn't in a position to start anything.
Wasnt implying a reason for waiting until now just more so that being out of the game for so long can make it feel like a hurdle or maybe put too much pressure on yourself. Have fun and be loose.
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<Suspicious look> What's your favorite prime number?
:) :) :)
17 because it's still a prime number when re-ordered
So is 3
As is 13.
Btw, to all of yous that states how long since your first date, I have never been on one. That's pretty sad honestly and the way life is going for me, I don't think that's going to change, but that's all right. I got a lot of good things going for me to be in a committed relationship right now.
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And four!
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Do we just not lock the old threads when they get too massive anymore?
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I mean, this is a five year old thread. If the mods want to get a fresh start on this topic, they are free to do so.
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[pls delete]
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They used to lock old threads because long threads used to give the forum a heart attack.. But think that issue was resolved.
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So went on my date with the 3'11 girl this evening.
She is very cool, very funny, very nice. Sadly, I just wasn't feeling it on a romantic level. Hoping we can be friends though.
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Sooo just got a message on IG from my high school gf, haven't seen or spoken in at least 10 years, saying "Happy birthday! I still remember your 18 lol :laugh:"
which is in reference to us both losing our virginity together on my 18th birthday. She's married with a kid. I'm so confused, but honestly curious now.
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I'm calling it now: She's feeling a little restless and frustrated. Hubby was a BMOC back in college, right out of school. She's a mom, appropriately mature... and hubby still thinks he's 23 and a "BMOC", which, at 35, translates to "Big D*** At Home". She's home with the kids while he's out golfing with his bros, and found this cool thing called "FACEBOOK". Now she can reach out without reaching out. Seen it once, seen it 1,000 times.
(And by the way, that's no dis on you, Cram; clearly if she's thinking about you, you left an impression. So to speak.)
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Nah not at all, I'm not surprised you are stating that because its kind of what I think too. I'm chatting with her now, she finally mentioned her husband, was waiting to see how long it took if it all. I'm not interested, but I don't mind being friendly and seeing what's up. I'm definitely curious since it's so random too and no harm no foul. I'd feel terrible getting involved with someone who's married, even if not happily when there is a kid involved.
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I got jiggy with a girl who had a crush on me for 11 years a week after her husband went to jail so maybe just wait for him to defraud the elderly and go for it :lol
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Sleeping with a married woman was probably the worst mistake of my life. It had its issues from the start and got progressively worse from there on out.
I wasn't in a great place at the time in a lot of ways and all of a sudden there's this person love bombing me. I gave in and I still regret it to this day.
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and now my recent x just emailed me who I haven't spoken to in 3 months now (been broken up almost 5 months), simple happy birthday message nothing saucy like the other old x. WTF, this is messing with my head big time today. I'm sure all this is well meant at the end of the day, but it's really just making me question intentions and why now. Could it be that I lost ~30lbs and been posting more on social media? The old x mentioned she saw me traveling a lot. I blocked my recent x because I didn't want to see her since it made me upset, but my IG and youtube are public.
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You definitely look better having lost the weight. And I hate when they start sniffing around again after a breakup. The process of breaking up and finally making peace with that crap is profoundly difficult, so I'm not up for another ride down that road. I've always just ignored them and went on with my life.
And all the accumulated resentment from the first time around is still there, so Its just easier starting fresh with someone new, at least for me.
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Based on your recent posts, you’ve been having a great time by yourself. Just keep that in mind and don’t let these messages confuse you. Keep doing your thing! :metal
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I am in the worst pickle I think I've ever been in, and I feel like a real piece of shit over it.
I met a girl last Thursday off Bumble, and shes really really awesome. She's 35 (I'm 30) and not insane. We get on really well. We've had sex a number of times now, and she's 100% all in on me. The problem... her size. This sounds bad enough on the surface, and maybe hypocritical because I have a bit of heft, but she's big. Like really big. Cuddling on the couch is not comfortable, I cant get an arm around her, and sex is difficult with her because of it. Positions are very limited and there's only so much I can do on my end because of the way geometry works. I legitimately have a difficult time staying hard because of it, and having to use condoms just exacerbates that problem (little to no feeling). I hate feeling like her weight is the deal breaker, but that's kind of the way it's looking like at this point. I hate saying it, but it's the truth.
To make me feel even worse, I'm almost 100% sure she's got PCOS. She had ovarian cancer a few years ago and basically had half of her reproductive system removed. Everything I've read about it says severe weight gain is a common result of the condition, along with some other physical markers she has. So in a nutshell, if I walk away from this one, it's basically because she got cancer and then got huge after beating it.
This is why I hate dating.
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Short of the cancer side of things, I went through something similar when I was dating after my divorce. I actually don't mind whatever the euphemism is these days: "plus size", "big-boned", whatever, though for me, "proportion" is important. I met a woman on Match; cute, hip, funny, into music, into politics, fun... and she was clearly struggling with her weight, but it was sort of severely out of proportion. If you saw her from the waist up, as I did, it was "okay, like most of us, she is on the heavier side of the equation, but nothing unmanageable", if you saw her from the waist down... the same geometry that Chino referenced says that it would be impossible to use one seat on an airplane. Not a tight fit, but impossible. We went out a couple times, and sort of morphed into the friend zone (though not irreversibly so) and I felt I made my decision (then I met my current wife, and it seemed like things went the way they are supposed to go).
I ultimately looked at it this way: it's a monumental, but a very personal, decision. If you can decide not to see someone because it "doesn't feel right" or "you have no spark", but without any discernable reason - which happens all the time - why does that change just because you DO have a reason? How is this different than ruling someone out for any of 100 other reasons? I get that your dilemma is feeling "shallow", but you can't control what makes you hard any more than you can control the weather.
(Just asking, and I realize that condoms have other benefits than just pregnancy, but if she's gone through PCOS are condoms a necessity?)
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Thanks for the input. That was good.
(Just asking, and I realize that condoms have other benefits than just pregnancy, but if she's gone through PCOS are condoms a necessity?)
She can still get pregnant. Her periods are just very irregular. She could have two back to back months, and then go 5 without one. She says she usually gets one a quarter, but that's not the rule. Also, STDs scare me. I question anyone that sleeps with me on the first date :lol and wonder if it's indicative that a lot of guys have been where I am.
The airplane seat thing is all too true. I have a spare ticket to the Book or Mormon in a few weeks at the Bushnell (notoriously cramped seats) and one of my first thoughts with her was "I can't ask her to go because I don't know if she'll fit".
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My piece of advice, just don't let it get too far if you are not invested.
I know this guy who has been "dating" this woman for the past 4 years now. The first year, their sex life was normal, but they have not done anything for the past 3. and it's all because he says she's too big (If i had to estimate shes on the 350 lb territory while her height being no more than 5'5). So, what am saying is, don't overthink it. As Stadler said, you can't control what makes you hard.
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Based on your recent posts, you’ve been having a great time by yourself. Just keep that in mind and don’t let these messages confuse you. Keep doing your thing! :metal
Thanks, it's sometimes difficult to see the bigger picture when these small things cloud my view. I think it's weird that I responded and conversed with the x from high school but ignored my recent x. Oh well, I should "let it go" as I've spent my entire summer trying to do and only recently have felt like I succeeded in that area only to be put back in place.
Chino, if you aren't into it, so be it regardless of reason.
I question anyone that sleeps with me on the first date :lol and wonder if it's indicative that a lot of guys have been where I am.
This runs through my head as well when a girl sleeps with me on first date. The girl I slept with at Warped Tour said she never does that, but it honestly didn't take any real effort to get in bed with her. I really had a hard time believing her, but I only could base it on the fact we banged on essentially a one night stand. And I most certainly used a condom :lol
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Wanting someone you're physically attracted to isn't shallow, and never let anyone guilt trip you into believing otherwise. It would only be "shallow" if physical attraction was the only thing you cared about.
And on that note, I do confess to being shallow.
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I question anyone that sleeps with me on the first date :lol and wonder if it's indicative that a lot of guys have been where I am.
This runs through my head as well when a girl sleeps with me on first date. The girl I slept with at Warped Tour said she never does that, but it honestly didn't take any real effort to get in bed with her. I really had a hard time believing her, but I only could base it on the fact we banged on essentially a one night stand.
Would it help you both if I told you most women I know do one night stands as a "bucket list item" a few times and then don't do it so much ever again because generally it's not very good? :corn sex with men who don't know you isn't as satisfying as relationship sex, unless the chemistry is AMAZING. And if it's amazing, she'll make sure you get her number and address :zydar:
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I question anyone that sleeps with me on the first date :lol and wonder if it's indicative that a lot of guys have been where I am.
This runs through my head as well when a girl sleeps with me on first date. The girl I slept with at Warped Tour said she never does that, but it honestly didn't take any real effort to get in bed with her. I really had a hard time believing her, but I only could base it on the fact we banged on essentially a one night stand.
Would it help you both if I told you most women I know do one night stands as a "bucket list item" a few times and then don't do it so much ever again because generally it's not very good? :corn sex with men who don't know you isn't as satisfying as relationship sex, unless the chemistry is AMAZING. And if it's amazing, she'll make sure you get her number and address :zydar:
Most female friends I know always tell me most men kinda suck at sex. :lol So most of the times, one night stands aren't fulfilling at all for them.
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Most female friends I know always tell me most men kinda suck at sex. :lol So most of the times, one night stands aren't fulfilling at all for them.
Lol, your friends are harsher than me :lol it's just difficult to know a stranger, because they're a stranger. If men's plumbing was 2% more complicated than it already is, most straight women would be "bad at sex" with strangers too. It's just the way it is.
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I question anyone that sleeps with me on the first date :lol and wonder if it's indicative that a lot of guys have been where I am.
This runs through my head as well when a girl sleeps with me on first date. The girl I slept with at Warped Tour said she never does that, but it honestly didn't take any real effort to get in bed with her. I really had a hard time believing her, but I only could base it on the fact we banged on essentially a one night stand.
Would it help you both if I told you most women I know do one night stands as a "bucket list item" a few times and then don't do it so much ever again because generally it's not very good? :corn sex with men who don't know you isn't as satisfying as relationship sex, unless the chemistry is AMAZING. And if it's amazing, she'll make sure you get her number and address :zydar:
I think this has more to do with the women you know rather than women in general. Come hang out in my local music scene and try to find women who have had only "a few" one night stands in their lives. Some will flat out admit they have them fairly regularly while others will have them, but try to keep a tight lid on it to maintain their paragon of purity facade.
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I question anyone that sleeps with me on the first date :lol and wonder if it's indicative that a lot of guys have been where I am.
This runs through my head as well when a girl sleeps with me on first date. The girl I slept with at Warped Tour said she never does that, but it honestly didn't take any real effort to get in bed with her. I really had a hard time believing her, but I only could base it on the fact we banged on essentially a one night stand.
Would it help you both if I told you most women I know do one night stands as a "bucket list item" a few times and then don't do it so much ever again because generally it's not very good? :corn sex with men who don't know you isn't as satisfying as relationship sex, unless the chemistry is AMAZING. And if it's amazing, she'll make sure you get her number and address :zydar:
I think this has more to do with the women you know rather than women in general. Come hang out in my local music scene and try to find women who have had only "a few" one night stands in their lives. Some will flat out admit they have them fairly regularly while others will have them, but try to keep a tight lid on it to maintain their paragon of purity facade.
Or, more likely, because if they didn't society would call them sluts/whores, whereas dudes can get away with such things without so much as a side eye
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I question anyone that sleeps with me on the first date :lol and wonder if it's indicative that a lot of guys have been where I am.
This runs through my head as well when a girl sleeps with me on first date. The girl I slept with at Warped Tour said she never does that, but it honestly didn't take any real effort to get in bed with her. I really had a hard time believing her, but I only could base it on the fact we banged on essentially a one night stand.
Would it help you both if I told you most women I know do one night stands as a "bucket list item" a few times and then don't do it so much ever again because generally it's not very good? :corn sex with men who don't know you isn't as satisfying as relationship sex, unless the chemistry is AMAZING. And if it's amazing, she'll make sure you get her number and address :zydar:
I think this has more to do with the women you know rather than women in general. Come hang out in my local music scene and try to find women who have had only "a few" one night stands in their lives. Some will flat out admit they have them fairly regularly while others will have them, but try to keep a tight lid on it to maintain their paragon of purity facade.
Or, more likely, because if they didn't society would call them sluts/whores, whereas dudes can get away with such things without so much as a side eye
Not true. Men are criticized just as much for being promiscuous, and it's more often from women. The difference is, we don't care.
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I question anyone that sleeps with me on the first date :lol and wonder if it's indicative that a lot of guys have been where I am.
This runs through my head as well when a girl sleeps with me on first date. The girl I slept with at Warped Tour said she never does that, but it honestly didn't take any real effort to get in bed with her. I really had a hard time believing her, but I only could base it on the fact we banged on essentially a one night stand.
Would it help you both if I told you most women I know do one night stands as a "bucket list item" a few times and then don't do it so much ever again because generally it's not very good? :corn sex with men who don't know you isn't as satisfying as relationship sex, unless the chemistry is AMAZING. And if it's amazing, she'll make sure you get her number and address :zydar:
Oh she wanted to be my gf after that night :lol got so clingy and turned me off big time and I had to tell her I wasn't interested. What's funny about that night, is before the "fun" I had totally opened up about a lot of personal stuff and I think that created some connection which looking back is not what I should have done, but being she was a a psych person she was really good to open up about with things (also being a stranger it made it easier) and she gave a lot of feedback that was helpful.
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I question anyone that sleeps with me on the first date :lol and wonder if it's indicative that a lot of guys have been where I am.
This runs through my head as well when a girl sleeps with me on first date. The girl I slept with at Warped Tour said she never does that, but it honestly didn't take any real effort to get in bed with her. I really had a hard time believing her, but I only could base it on the fact we banged on essentially a one night stand.
Would it help you both if I told you most women I know do one night stands as a "bucket list item" a few times and then don't do it so much ever again because generally it's not very good? :corn sex with men who don't know you isn't as satisfying as relationship sex, unless the chemistry is AMAZING. And if it's amazing, she'll make sure you get her number and address :zydar:
I think this has more to do with the women you know rather than women in general. Come hang out in my local music scene and try to find women who have had only "a few" one night stands in their lives. Some will flat out admit they have them fairly regularly while others will have them, but try to keep a tight lid on it to maintain their paragon of purity facade.
Or, more likely, because if they didn't society would call them sluts/whores, whereas dudes can get away with such things without so much as a side eye
Not true. Men are criticized just as much for being promiscuous, and it's more often from women. The difference is, we don't care.
I disagree that men are criticized 'just as much.' No way. The stigma is way harsher and more common towards women sleeping around than men, but you're definitely right that men just don't care.
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I think as equality is slowly getting better, men are criticized more, but it's not even at all at this point. Girls are sluts and men are men is still very much a thing today.
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Well, the criticism is different isn't it?
Men won't criticize another man for banging anything that moves, but I think a woman would critcize another woman for the same thing.
But I think opposite to opposite, there's enough judgment to go around.
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Well, the criticism is different isn't it?
Men won't criticize another man for banging anything that moves, but I think a woman would critcize another woman for the same thing.
But I think opposite to opposite, there's enough judgment to go around.
But both men and women will criticize the woman who sleeps with a lot of men.
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I question anyone that sleeps with me on the first date :lol and wonder if it's indicative that a lot of guys have been where I am.
This runs through my head as well when a girl sleeps with me on first date. The girl I slept with at Warped Tour said she never does that, but it honestly didn't take any real effort to get in bed with her. I really had a hard time believing her, but I only could base it on the fact we banged on essentially a one night stand.
Would it help you both if I told you most women I know do one night stands as a "bucket list item" a few times and then don't do it so much ever again because generally it's not very good? :corn sex with men who don't know you isn't as satisfying as relationship sex, unless the chemistry is AMAZING. And if it's amazing, she'll make sure you get her number and address :zydar:
I think this has more to do with the women you know rather than women in general. Come hang out in my local music scene and try to find women who have had only "a few" one night stands in their lives. Some will flat out admit they have them fairly regularly while others will have them, but try to keep a tight lid on it to maintain their paragon of purity facade.
Or, more likely, because if they didn't society would call them sluts/whores, whereas dudes can get away with such things without so much as a side eye
Not true. Men are criticized just as much for being promiscuous, and it's more often from women. The difference is, we don't care.
I disagree that men are criticized 'just as much.' No way. The stigma is way harsher and more common towards women sleeping around than men, but you're definitely right that men just don't care.
Really? The next time you're around a group of women, bring up the subject of promiscuous men and let me know how it goes.
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Really? The next time you're around a group of women, bring up the subject of promiscuous men and let me know how it goes.
You're changing the argument, though. I said society at large. There is absolutely a prevalent double standard for men and women. Yes, if I confine myself to a small group of women and bring up the subject, they will talk differently. But a small group of women is not the general social trend. I have several female friends who basically act and talk like guys and don't mind sleeping around, but they're the exception, and even they talk about it differently than men do, because men don't have to worry whatsoever about social judgment from sleeping around. Goes back to that old crass idiom about good locks vs. good keys, right?
EDIT: Sorry, didn't see the other replies. Adami beat me to it.
Well, the criticism is different isn't it?
Men won't criticize another man for banging anything that moves, but I think a woman would critcize another woman for the same thing.
But I think opposite to opposite, there's enough judgment to go around.
But both men and women will criticize the woman who sleeps with a lot of men.
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Oh, women are absolutely more critized if they're sleeping around. That shouldn't even be a discussion.
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I think this has more to do with the women you know rather than women in general. Come hang out in my local music scene and try to find women who have had only "a few" one night stands in their lives. Some will flat out admit they have them fairly regularly while others will have them, but try to keep a tight lid on it to maintain their paragon of purity facade.
I could explain girl talk to you and what gets revealed within like 5 seconds of meeting a Fellow Woman in the club bathroom, but trust me that no one is hiding things from me :lol yes, there's many women who engage in one night stands over a period of years, but also a lot who try it a few times and realize it sucks. It's like Sex and the City: Charlotte has a problem with one night stands and doesn't engage in them most of the time, Samantha loves engaging in one night stands and doesn't stay with one person for long, and then Carrie and Miranda are like most women: won't rule it out, but will prefer sleeping with a guy they actually want to call back afterwards, even if it doesn't turn into a long-term relationship.
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I think this has more to do with the women you know rather than women in general. Come hang out in my local music scene and try to find women who have had only "a few" one night stands in their lives. Some will flat out admit they have them fairly regularly while others will have them, but try to keep a tight lid on it to maintain their paragon of purity facade.
I could explain girl talk to you and what gets revealed within like 5 seconds of meeting a Fellow Woman in the club bathroom, but trust me that no one is hiding things from me :lol yes, there's many women who engage in one night stands over a period of years, but also a lot who try it a few times and realize it sucks. It's like Sex and the City: Charlotte has a problem with one night stands and doesn't engage in them most of the time, Samantha loves engaging in one night stands and doesn't stay with one person for long, and then Carrie and Miranda are like most women: won't rule it out, but will prefer sleeping with a guy they actually want to call back afterwards, even if it doesn't turn into a long-term relationship.
I hear a lot of it just by going to the bathrooms in the bars and clubs where I am (they're unisex) and talking to women I know/been involved with. In fact, I know many women in my age bracket who have gotten out of lousy long term marriages, the kids are off to college, still have a libido, and couldn't give two shits about being tied down in a relationship again.
Promiscuity itself has always been criticized by certain segments of society regardless of who is engaging in it. I'm not about to think of women as having it worse just because it happens to hurt their feelings more.
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I think this has more to do with the women you know rather than women in general. Come hang out in my local music scene and try to find women who have had only "a few" one night stands in their lives. Some will flat out admit they have them fairly regularly while others will have them, but try to keep a tight lid on it to maintain their paragon of purity facade.
I could explain girl talk to you and what gets revealed within like 5 seconds of meeting a Fellow Woman in the club bathroom, but trust me that no one is hiding things from me :lol yes, there's many women who engage in one night stands over a period of years, but also a lot who try it a few times and realize it sucks. It's like Sex and the City: Charlotte has a problem with one night stands and doesn't engage in them most of the time, Samantha loves engaging in one night stands and doesn't stay with one person for long, and then Carrie and Miranda are like most women: won't rule it out, but will prefer sleeping with a guy they actually want to call back afterwards, even if it doesn't turn into a long-term relationship.
I hear a lot of it just by going to the bathrooms in the bars and clubs where I am (they're unisex) and talking to women I know/been involved with. In fact, I know many women in my age bracket who have gotten out of lousy long term marriages, the kids are off to college, still have a libido, and couldn't give two shits about being tied down in a relationship again.
Promiscuity itself has always been criticized by certain segments of society regardless of who is engaging in it. I'm not about to think of women as having it worse just because it happens to hurt their feelings more.
Well, that's not what anybody's arguing. The argument is that there is still a hefty double standard for the sexes as far as this particular subject is concerned. There are plenty of exceptions to the norm but by and large there is still a huge stigma placed on women who sleep around the way guys do. Nobody's saying it doesn't happen, I know plenty of women who get around, but there is that pervasive double standard that if a guy does it nobody thinks twice about it, but if a woman does it she's suddenly a whore.
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I think this has more to do with the women you know rather than women in general. Come hang out in my local music scene and try to find women who have had only "a few" one night stands in their lives. Some will flat out admit they have them fairly regularly while others will have them, but try to keep a tight lid on it to maintain their paragon of purity facade.
I could explain girl talk to you and what gets revealed within like 5 seconds of meeting a Fellow Woman in the club bathroom, but trust me that no one is hiding things from me :lol yes, there's many women who engage in one night stands over a period of years, but also a lot who try it a few times and realize it sucks. It's like Sex and the City: Charlotte has a problem with one night stands and doesn't engage in them most of the time, Samantha loves engaging in one night stands and doesn't stay with one person for long, and then Carrie and Miranda are like most women: won't rule it out, but will prefer sleeping with a guy they actually want to call back afterwards, even if it doesn't turn into a long-term relationship.
I hear a lot of it just by going to the bathrooms in the bars and clubs where I am (they're unisex) and talking to women I know/been involved with. In fact, I know many women in my age bracket who have gotten out of lousy long term marriages, the kids are off to college, still have a libido, and couldn't give two shits about being tied down in a relationship again.
Promiscuity itself has always been criticized by certain segments of society regardless of who is engaging in it. I'm not about to think of women as having it worse just because it happens to hurt their feelings more.
Well, that's not what anybody's arguing. The argument is that there is still a hefty double standard for the sexes as far as this particular subject is concerned. There are plenty of exceptions to the norm but by and large there is still a huge stigma placed on women who sleep around the way guys do. Nobody's saying it doesn't happen, I know plenty of women who get around, but there is that pervasive double standard that if a guy does it nobody thinks twice about it, but if a woman does it she's suddenly a whore.
That has never been true for me. I've had an incalculable number of women in my life refer to me as a ''manwhore" and men who haven't touched a woman since the Bush administration wish diseases on me. Is it unreasonable for me to expect women to be as "strong" as they claim and not give a shit, just as I don't?
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How much of the criticism do you think is projection of a sort? I can’t/won’t do it myself for whatever reason so have to denigrate it to justify my circumstances? I ask this because we seem to tolerate it when it otherwise doesn’t offend Our sensibilities (rock stars, movie stars, athletes).
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So many anecdotes :lol I mean that's all we really have aside from the internet or talk shows (or whatever other societal medium you chose), it's just funny; regarding my own reaction as well. My knee-jerk reaction was that men are criticized more because for the past year of my relationship, I've been hearing nothing but "men are pigs/men lie/men fuck anything with a hole", but then again my girlfriend has also been cheated on multiple times, has friends that have had the same experiences, etc. Totally anecdotal. Then after thinking on it for a minute, it was kind of a ridiculous thought because while many groups of women may say that (and many groups of men say the opposite, except...) the overarching societal stigma is definitely leaning towards women because while women may talk among one another, the prevailing criticism is against women due to the popularity of slut-shaming, the popularity of the male opinion in relevance to the female (sadly, even now) and the fact that, as has been stated, women sleeping around with multiple men = untrustworthy nasty slut; men sleeping around with multiple women = PLAYER 'GON PLAY, YOLO, WHAT YO NUMBER AT!?
It's pretty ridiculous. But if I end up interjecting in any conversations that my girlfriend has (I often DO NOT, NO THANKS), I'll end up saying that both men and women can be sluts, and you know what? Who the fuck cares if you're a slut? Fuck as many people as you want. But let them know you're fucking other people, and obviously cheating is a blanket no-no and is shitty to do. Which is the main point, but the fact that people still just shame others only for having many sexual partners is ridiculous. Get your fucking priorities straight, if you care about that. :lol End of the day, everyone talks shit about everyone regardless of your genitalia and it's all bullshit and we all just want happiness so go get fucked. Literally, not in a mean way.
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It's pretty ridiculous. But if I end up interjecting in any conversations that my girlfriend has (I often DO NOT, NO THANKS), I'll end up saying that both men and women can be sluts, and you know what? Who the fuck cares if you're a slut? Fuck as many people as you want. But let them know you're fucking other people, and obviously cheating is a blanket no-no and is shitty to do. Which is the main point, but the fact that people still just shame others only for having many sexual partners is ridiculous. Get your fucking priorities straight, if you care about that. :lol End of the day, everyone talks shit about everyone regardless of your genitalia and it's all bullshit and we all just want happiness so go get fucked. Literally, not in a mean way.
All of this I agree with. I really don't care who does what. It's merely people defying social programming and acting on their natural urges. However, I do have a problem with the ones who engage in it secretly, yet criticize everyone else publicly. I find them despicable, but even still, I won't out them.
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However, I do have a problem with the ones who engage in it secretly, yet criticize everyone else publicly. I find them despicable, but even still, I won't out them.
Some of the worst examples of misogyny I've witnessed come from women. Usually from the "good girls who have done everything right" and acted (at least outwardly) as sweet, innocent and pure paragons of virtue for most of their adult lives, and so expect to be rewarded for said virtue. Very often being virtuous is their main accomplishment in life because they've invested into performing Victorian femininity to the exclusion of other options. When they see someone defying that standard (intentionally or not), they get resentful as hell because "the slut's getting away with it, while I had to suffer."
This is not limited to sex - the "good girls" pretty much hate seeing another woman succeed outside their assumed gender boundaries because it calls their own choices into question. Multiply the resentment by a thousand if it dawns upon them in the process that acting angelic is not something they were made to do, but a choice they have been making, consistently, day-to-day. The result is not pretty - after all, their perceived advantage has just evaporated. The immediate next step is to guard their privileged place in the societal food chain by making sure the offenders are kept down and stay down. You know the rest.
That said, there's absolutely a double standard when it comes to disparaging women who choose to engage in one-night stands. The only difference is the type of crap they hear - they're disparaged differently depending on what group (men or women) chooses to shame them.
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"men are pigs/men lie/men fuck anything with a hole", but then again my girlfriend has also been cheated on multiple times, has friends that have had the same experiences, etc.
But that's kind of what I meant when I said the criticisms are different, though. From my experience, I think there's a greater number of women that will accuse men of being "whores", simply because of their personal situation and the stereotype of the "man" as "breeder" or whatever. I'm not suggesting that women are stupid or incapable of seeing the big picture - not at all - but like I said, the criticism is different. It's about the image not the actual reality in many cases. "Fuck anything with a hole" meaning "not staying faithful" as opposed to "racking up big numbers". You see it the other way around as well, but I don't think as often, again, in my experience.
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"men are pigs/men lie/men fuck anything with a hole", but then again my girlfriend has also been cheated on multiple times, has friends that have had the same experiences, etc.
But that's kind of what I meant when I said the criticisms are different, though. From my experience, I think there's a greater number of women that will accuse men of being "whores", simply because of their personal situation and the stereotype of the "man" as "breeder" or whatever. I'm not suggesting that women are stupid or incapable of seeing the big picture - not at all - but like I said, the criticism is different. It's about the image not the actual reality in many cases. "Fuck anything with a hole" meaning "not staying faithful" as opposed to "racking up big numbers". You see it the other way around as well, but I don't think as often, again, in my experience.
Agree with Stadler. Ask most men and women what they think of a woman who has a one night stand with a stranger every weekend, and what they think of a man who has done the same. Most replies for both would be very negative (some replies for the man would definitely be positive), but for entirely different reasons. In fact, women frequently get completely disgusted and dehumanizing reactions even from just engaging in some regular dating - rack up ten three-month relationships in your early twenties (which isn't all that uncommon if you live in a big city and you're a social person) and suddenly you are a gross slut.
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Went on a first date with smoking hot lady last night. 49 year-old recently divorced psychiatrist/medical director.
Keep in mind I'm a 35 year old post-doc, so I was wayyy out of my league.
Had a.........very nice time, to keep it brief. Much appreciation to Stadler for his recommendations since it was near his neck of the woods.
A bit intimidating at times though. During dinner she was casually wearing a 15,000 dollar ring (not a wedding ring) and 8,000 dollar earrings.
I'm just going to enjoy being part of someone's midlife crisis until she wises up and realizes how out my league she actually is.
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hey ya never know, maybe your exactly what she wants either way, enjoy the ride.
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Went on my first date last night in the 6 or so months since being dumped. I was a bit nervous and unsure of myself, but overall I think it went really well. I did go in for a kiss at the end and got the cheek which kind of questioned how well it really went, but she kept texting a lot afterwards so I think maybe she's just a bit more old school. I'm cool with that. We will see what happens, but overall felt good about the date and putting myself out there for the first time in so long. We have a lot of similarities and thought it was a bit weird to talk about our failed relationships on first date but being open and honest and seeing someone in the same spot definitely made me feel better about my own situation. I'm looking forward to a potential follow up date and hopeful first kiss. Just hope she doesn't lose interest when I travel this week.
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@ cramx 3 -- Grats, bruh. She's texting you == she probably still likes you :)
@ Adami -- post-doc == respect and props to you. Academia is not easy. What is your subject if I might ask?
I went on a first date for the first time since....five years ago? As in, it was a real first date, where I intentionally went up to her and asked her for a date. So everything was well defined. I guess I had a 'real first date' about 2.5 years ago, but I was beside myself at the time and was rebounding hard, so I don't want to count that...Anyway this was the first date I have had in a long time where I was really excited about the girl. As far as I could tell, it was a good connection but I guess she didn't feel that way b/c she gave me the 'I don't know if I have time right now' speech--to be fair, she's in med school and is super busy--, so I told her that if she changed her mind then I would love to go out again. All in all, I count it a success, though. Three years ago, I would have challenged her rejection of me and gotten super mad at her. The NiceGuyTM approach. This time, I tried to be understanding and kind, to not challenge her, but to just leave the door open. I reckon this is some form of moral improvement on my part. Although, if I'm honest, I am a little salty, frustrated, sad, etc., but not at her, just at the universe LOL. I guess that is a natural response to rejection.
Actually, not to get too philosophical ITT, but I'd be interested to hear what y'all think. It seems that there are two extreme responses to rejection:
(i) There's something wrong with me and I need to figure out what it is and fix it.
(ii) There's something wrong with her because she doesn't recognize the awesome guy that's in front of her.
I've reacted in both ways over the course of life. I do understand the Jordan Peterson advice that if all the women are rejecting you, then it's you and you need to work to improve yourself. But then I also feel that a healthy sense of pride is called for, and women sometimes do reject me for the wrong reasons. Anyway, what do you think?
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Going to the gym, getting into good shape, dressing decent with some style, having confidence and pursuing your own purpose are key elements for attracting a girl, but that being said, sometimes one particular girl is just not into you. It sucks, but it happens. Personally, I only pursue girls that show indications of interest, but that's me.
"I don't have time" means "i'm not interested". And trust me, if they are interested, they will make time. Don't take it personal, just learn from it.
That's why its helpful to pursue multiple girls at once. One isn't interested. Ok, so what. Move on to the next one. It lessons the hurt and frustration of rejection. And eventually you find one that wants to be in a committed relationship. Be weary of One-itis aka fixating on one girl, this just leads to immense pain and frustration when there's rejection.
Jordan Peterson is good and all, but he doesn't go far enough in my opinion. He only scratches the surface. I would recommend the Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi, who also has a youtube channel that is worth checking out.
Its not easy, that's for sure. Hope this helps.
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"I don't have time" means "i'm not interested". And trust me, if they are interested, they will make time. Don't take it personal, just learn from it.
For some reason this took me an embarrassingly long time to learn. With today's means of connectivity, I pretty much give a girl 36 hours or so to make/accept a post-first date plan before I bail.
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Oh damn I forgot to update this.
So the milf psychiatrist and I went on two dates all in all, the 2nd of which had a good amount of adult fun and a nice sleep over.
Haven't seen her since, but we talk every day. Things got weird for her. Our schedules didn't line up for a few weeks to meet up, which makes sense since we live 2.5 hours away and she has kids.
But then.....then last week her son who lives in another country for the past few months had a psychotic break. So now she's there with him and he's either having an intense manic episode or is showing initial signs of schizophrenia. So.....guess that's an interesting thing.
Oh, and to H2, I'm a psychologist (not yet licensed). Thanks!
And people aren't always into other people. Just be yourself. Don't try to look or be a certain way to attract women, because then either you let it go over time and things get meh or you have to keep it up and then end up doing decent psychological damage to yourself by living such an non-genuine life for so long.
You'll find someone into you. Or you won't. I dunno. We have a few happily married dudes on here and they're all weird losers.
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"I don't have time" means "i'm not interested". And trust me, if they are interested, they will make time. Don't take it personal, just learn from it.
Yeah, I generally believe that. Of course, "I'm not interested" could change to "I'm interested", you never know. I'm ever the optimist and like to leave doors open, but I don't push anything.
I would recommend the Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi, who also has a youtube channel that is worth checking out.
To be fair, I have never read this book, so I can't criticize it directly, but I know it is widely circulated and referred to in "The Red Pill" community, which I sincerely dislike. About three years ago, I "swallowed the red pill" and turned a keen eye toward manipulating women I wasn't even that interested in. This was the period I referred to in my previous post where I said I was beside myself. I just did not have any integrity. Now, I'm all for being honest, no games, and respecting people and their boundaries. I can't be bothered to date multiple people at once, especially people I know it isn't going to work out with. So, I decided I'm really only going to pursue girls I am really genuinely excited about. And they are few and far between. There are plenty of great women, to be sure, but very few I'd really be compatible with.
@ Adami -- Thanks man!!
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H2 that's some growth if you accepted the rejection and didn't confront it. You did the right thing. Sometimes I wish I knew exactly why I got rejected so I can fix it, but often it's not one specific thing on you to fix, but you just aren't a match. Although I'm sure there are things we all can work on within ourselves. I am trying to see that in my failed relationships so I can learn and be better for the next one.
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As one of those weird losers (he's not wrong)... I learned a lot during the period after my divorce and before remarrying.
I met this neat girl. Cute face (that's the extent of my physical shallowness), really cool, really smart, into sports, politics, St. Patrick's Day parades (not a literal requirement, but gets the idea of events and traditions), and casual drinking. All in all a pretty good match on paper. I mean, for me, a really good match on paper. Our first date was good, drinks at a local restaurant, and we ended up hanging through the happy hour into the late night crowd, and it was fun. Even did a little kiss at the end.
Zero spark. None. But we kept in touch, she was a blast to text with, and I gave it a couple shots. Mixed it up with breakfast, lunch, late night drinks...
Zero spark. None.
Sometimes it just doesn't happen. I suppose if you want to go through a sort of "Married At First Sight" thing where you force it, you can, but you have to have some mutual commitment between the two. Absent that, sometimes it doesn't happen. I've sort of come to the realization that there's no benefit to getting angry, or forcing the issue. You do a quick autopsy of sorts, try to be as honest with yourself as you can (if you like music and she doesn't, not your fault; if you talked about your ex the entire time, probably your fault) and move on. You don't need every girl to like you, you just need one girl to like you.
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About three years ago, I "swallowed the red pill" and turned a keen eye toward manipulating women I wasn't even that interested in. This was the period I referred to in my previous post where I said I was beside myself. I just did not have any integrity. Now, I'm all for being honest, no games, and respecting people and their boundaries. I can't be bothered to date multiple people at once, especially people I know it isn't going to work out with. So, I decided I'm really only going to pursue girls I am really genuinely excited about. And they are few and far between. There are plenty of great women, to be sure, but very few I'd really be compatible with.
Good on you. I'm watching my kids do the dating thing. It is absolutely jaw-dropping to me how much game playing and manipulative BS occurs. I'm always wondering how that works out for people (and yes both men and women are guilty of this behavior)? I mean, if all you want is to get laid, sure it makes sense. But if you are truly wanting to find 'the one' then why on Earth would you a) want to manipulate someone you could love or b) want to be with someone who is so easily manipulated by assholes? I dunno. Seems like being a decent human and a fair, respectful, and honest partner is the way to get the best relationship that has the most potential to last. :-\
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Thanks, Harmony. And thanks for sharing about your kids. Maybe it's just a phase for some people.
But if you are truly wanting to find 'the one' then why on Earth would you a) want to manipulate someone you could love or b) want to be with someone who is so easily manipulated by assholes?
That is just wonderfully put. You can't really be united in love with someone you are not real with.
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I had sex with my ex before work this morning. That might not have been the best idea. We've been hanging out here and there more often as of late, but this was the first time we shagged since April. I hope I didn't just open a can of worms.
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(https://media3.giphy.com/media/UVdiMrmmwTWDcN2dZ5/giphy.gif)
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^^ Hahaha.
For me, it's just too... too many variables. I mean, if you were both sober and talked about it and it was clearly a mutual agreement, then can sealed. Freshness date preserved.
If you fought about your future, then one/both of you got hammered, then woke up handcuffed to each other, then... Supper's Ready.
This didn't involve a cutting board, did it? :)
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No, but I found it!! I don't know how or why it did, but it ended up in my office closet on the opposite side of the house as the kitchen.
As for the deed, we were both sober, and her actions made me an hour late for work this morning.
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As long as your actions don’t make her late.
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If any of my exes knocked on my door today and were ready to go, I hope I would be able to say no, but who knows. I really don't want to go down any of those roads again :P
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As long as your actions don’t make her late.
:lol
I've got a second date tomorrow night, she didn't stop talking to me while I was away, in fact it seems our texting has ramped up so I feel some potential here although being the first girl I've dated in 6 months, maybe I am putting too much stock into it. Either way, we joked about giving me the cheek on the first date :lol
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That's excellent; you kind of both have the best of both worlds with the kiss. You can still be the gentleman but let your intentions be known, she can be the lady and yet have her intentions be known.
Good luck! (Is she a Maiden fan? Haha.)
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:lol no, not into metal. She is into classic rock which is cool, and her sister is a phish head who's been working hard on converting her it seems. My brother has been doing the same to me, but I find them too jammy for my tastes. I'm sure they'd be fun live.
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Phish is weird to me. I got into them for a while, and saw them twice. It's a great show - they are monster musicians - but while I love the Dead and the Allmans and Blues Traveler, for some reason Phish leaves me cold.
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Phish is weird to me. I got into them for a while, and saw them twice. It's a great show - they are monster musicians - but while I love the Dead and the Allmans and Blues Traveler, for some reason Phish leaves me cold.
Huh, so when someone plays their music in a room full of fans and they're all rocking out, you're the only one who's a cold fish? :hat
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Phish is weird to me. I got into them for a while, and saw them twice. It's a great show - they are monster musicians - but while I love the Dead and the Allmans and Blues Traveler, for some reason Phish leaves me cold.
Huh, so when someone plays their music in a room full of fans and they're all rocking out, you're the only one who's a cold fish? :hat
HAHAHA. Yes. Everyone else was flopping around like it was a Faith No More video, though. They slayed the Hartford Civic Center when I saw them.
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Watched Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind for the first time in years. For those who haven't seen it, it involves someone getting over the pain of a breakup by getting a procedure which erases your ex from your memory.
So random question of the day. Thinking of one of your worst and most painful breakups, would you have ever considered the possibility of just erasing them from your memory if possible? And avoid the pain/sadness or would you rather just work through it?
I still think of ex's from time to time and they can be painful feelings, but I don't think I would ever want to forget them forever. I may have come out of those relationships with some new scars, but came out stronger/wiser as well.
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You know. Part of me do if it stops me from having these weird vivid dreams of me and her having either arguments or some serious heartfelt conversations and we haven't talked in like 6 years. I've been ready to move on and she's probably out there living a good life with someone else that can make her happy, so I think if there is a chance to forget, I probably would take it.
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Watched Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind for the first time in years. For those who haven't seen it, it involves someone getting over the pain of a breakup by getting a procedure which erases your ex from your memory.
So random question of the day. Thinking of one of your worst and most painful breakups, would you have ever considered the possibility of just erasing them from your memory if possible? And avoid the pain/sadness or would you rather just work through it?
I still think of ex's from time to time and they can be painful feelings, but I don't think I would ever want to forget them forever. I may have come out of those relationships with some new scars, but came out stronger/wiser as well.
I don't think so. I've been in a relationship for 6 years now so I'm pretty far removed from my ex's but at this stage I look back at those relationships as good memories. The negative memories have faded over time. There was also a lot learned from those past relationships.
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Erasing the memory doesn't help IMO. I mean, unless it was abusive and caused significant damage to your mental stability. But I feel the pain of going through a break up is what makes you a stronger person today. You live and you learn.
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I guess I should measure my response to be respectful and fair to others' opinions. For me, I'll leave it at a hard no for now. (If anyone is interested, I can elaborate, but "bad idea" doesn't go anywhere NEAR far enough in my opinion).
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+1 for keeping the shitty memories. They help me remember why I don't do certain things anymore.
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Absolutely love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. One of my favorite movies ever.
But I would keep the memories. I say this as someone who still regularly, late at night, in those minutes when you're just trying to fall asleep... still has thoughts and memories of an ex. It just never goes away, that one in particular. But I'd never want to erase them from my memory. They mean something, some things, and there's a reason I'm still thinking about them. Lots of personal growth from those awful memories that I wouldn't trade for anything.
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Absolutely love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. One of my favorite movies ever.
But I would keep the memories. I say this as someone who still regularly, late at night, in those minutes when you're just trying to fall asleep... still has thoughts and memories of an ex. It just never goes away, that one in particular. But I'd never want to erase them from my memory. They mean something, some things, and there's a reason I'm still thinking about them. Lots of personal growth from those awful memories that I wouldn't trade for anything.
I love that, because I know that feeling. That moment in the dark when you're most honest with yourself and you let your mind wander. I have a girl like that, and I can't imagine not having that impression, even though it didn't end like a fairy tale.
I just don't understand that fanciful notion that we could or should be "free" of anything that's not "postive" or "wonderful". We, as humans, like life, are a composite of all that has come before. To cherry pick out the "good" or the "bad" doesn't seem to make sense. That to me is like saying "my legs are very strong, but my arms aren't; maybe I should just have my arms removed".
And that's not even getting to the point that "memories" can have different impressions at different times of your life. My ex-wife and I went through a miscarriage before my daughter was born. DEVASTATING. And while having our daughter tempered that, there was always a sort of fear of feeling that level of loss again. Funny thing, we divorced and at first it was a contentious thing, and - long story short - we had an opportunity, the two of us (even though we had both remarried at that point) to sit and have a couple drinks, and the one thing that sort of put everything to rest? Talking about that time between the miscarriage and the birth of our daughter. It brought a certain level of perspective to things, and while we're not close friends or anything like that, we have reached a detente. It's an ugly memory, but I wouldn't remove it for all the money in the world.
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I have one former relationship that I would strongly consider erasing if given the chance. Not because it ended horribly or anything, but because I've never fully been able to let go of her as "the one that got away". I idealized her at the time and thought she was perfect for me. She felt the same way about me for a while, but something changed for her and she ended it. We had been friends before and tried to stay friends after, but eventually I had to stop seeing her because I just couldn't stop seeing her as "the one". She's always sort of been in the back of my mind waiting to pounce when life isn't perfect, or I'm frustrated with my wife, or something. It's like my brain says "If only Jane had felt the same way as you back then, then life would be perfect" or "if you were with Jane you wouldn't have to be dealing with this stuff". It's really stupid, and I know she wasn't anywhere near as perfect as I thought she was at the time, but I just can't shake that little thing in the back of my brain that still thinks that life would have been better with her, even though I know better. That comparison to a false ideal life would be lovely to be able to get rid of.
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Before my current girlfriend who is the most amazing person I’ve ever met, I was in an eight year relationship. We were high school sweethearts, but things ended pretty badly. We even tried to maintain a friendship after the healing process but it just couldn’t work. I’ve erased her from my life, but I would never want to erase the memories of what we had. I learned so much about relationships from my time with her, and I needed to go through that painful breakup to become the man I am today and be a guy that an amazing girl like my Arlene deserves. Erasing those memories would be erasing almost a third of my life, my transformative years, for the sake of losing that pain. But in reality, you only need time to erase that pain, and as long as you keep an open mind, you can transform those painful memories into a life lesson, a jumping point towards become the best version of you that you can be. Embrace the pain, because weathering the storm is the only way you’ll get see the light again.
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Back in the day, I had decent success with using just OK cupid for online dating, but they nerfed it and removed the search function and now its way more like tinder.
What are you guys using lately? Anything new you would recommend not for just hookups, but for longer term relationships?
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Back in the day, I had decent success with using just OK cupid for online dating, but they nerfed it and removed the search function and now its way more like tinder.
What are you guys using lately? Anything new you would recommend not for just hookups, but for longer term relationships?
I never got anywhere with OKC. Some first dates but little more. Bumble didn’t amount to a lot but the matches were better. I found my current GF on JSwipe, but that’s mostly just for Jews.
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I've had tremendous luck on Bumble.
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How is the dating scene during covid? I feel like it must be extra difficult right now
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I haven't even bothered. I figured I'd wait it out a little more, drop another 20lbs or so, get a new wardrobe, and then hit the market.
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I haven't even bothered. I figured I'd wait it out a little more, drop another 20lbs or so, get a new wardrobe, and then hit the market.
That's a good idea, but I actually thought you were back with the x? Either way, getting yourself into shape is a better idea than going back into the market.
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I haven't even bothered. I figured I'd wait it out a little more, drop another 20lbs or so, get a new wardrobe, and then hit the market.
That's a good idea, but I actually thought you were back with the x? Either way, getting yourself into shape is a better idea than going back into the market.
I don't know what the deal with that is anymore. I through with it. I mentioned 3 weeks ago that I thought it was time that she got the rest of her stuff out of my house, including the furniture she left here, and I haven't heard from her since.
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Damn dude, have you seen her recently since you've lost the weight?
Last September after I posted some pics of myself down 30ish pounds on facebook/instagram, I had two of my previous x's reach out to me.
I posted a week or so ago a picture on instagram, one with the girl I've been dating, and now down 50 pounds and another one of my x's reached out to me. So fucking ridiculous. The recent message was my x-fiance who is married and I hadn't seen/spoken to in years (other than the random message of "did any of my mail accidentally get sent to you"). She wanted to meet up for coffee and catch up. Hell no. But the only thing I can think of is the timing of when I post a picture of myself to facebook/instagram.
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Damn dude, have you seen her recently since you've lost the weight?
Last September after I posted some pics of myself down 30ish pounds on facebook/instagram, I had two of my previous x's reach out to me.
I posted a week or so ago a picture on instagram, one with the girl I've been dating, and now down 50 pounds and another one of my x's reached out to me. So fucking ridiculous. The recent message was my x-fiance who is married and I hadn't seen/spoken to in years (other than the random message of "did any of my mail accidentally get sent to you"). She wanted to meet up for coffee and catch up. Hell no. But the only thing I can think of is the timing of when I post a picture of myself to facebook/instagram.
Yeah. Last time I saw her, it had been maybe four weeks since she saw me last. First words out of her mouth were "holy shit". Since I've seen her last, I've lost another 22ish pounds. I think the weight loss kind of set her off a bit. When we were talking, I brought up how terrible her health has gotten since she decided her job is the most important thing in her life, and of course she pivoted to "Oh, so you're mad I gained weight. Got it". Which, for the record, couldn't be further from it. There's more to health than just weight.
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I lived that "pivot" for almost 15 years. Lovely, isn't it?
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TBH, I don't think there's much to gain at all by telling a woman their health is poor unless you have such a good relationship that you can honestly tell her these things and she would take it seriously and not as some sort of insult.
Also, in that example, she sees you are improving and she probably knows she is not and that alone probably makes her a bit jealous or upset in some way.
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TBH, I don't think there's much to gain at all by telling a woman their health is poor unless you have such a good relationship that you can honestly tell her these things and she would take it seriously and not as some sort of insult.
Also, in that example, she sees you are improving and she probably knows she is not and that alone probably makes her a bit jealous or upset in some way.
We've been together almost 7 years now, and lived together for 5 of those. She was asking why I was apprehensive about moving forward with her, and her health is a huge component. She never sleeps. She gets maybe 4 hours a night at best. She's drinking more in a week than I do in a month. She lied to a doctor to get a vyvanse prescription for the soul purpose of losing weight because she won't do any kind of physical activity. She'll lay in bed for days at a time and not shower or anything (this is after she moved out). She beyond absent minded and can't seem to ever focus on anything because her brain is always in work mode. She's managed to get into five accidents in the last four years that required totaling a car or getting it fixed at a garage. Throw in a DUI with a six month license suspension as well. There's a lot to it. I want a family and kids. I would have preferred to have gotten going on that two years ago or so, and I haven't because of her. It's gotten to the point where I don't think she'd be a good mom. I don't know if I could trust her with my kid. Which really sucks.
She never used to be this way. In the last 6 months she lived with me she started to crack a bit, and over the last two years has just gone completely off the deep end.
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TBH, I don't think there's much to gain at all by telling a woman their health is poor unless you have such a good relationship that you can honestly tell her these things and she would take it seriously and not as some sort of insult.
Also, in that example, she sees you are improving and she probably knows she is not and that alone probably makes her a bit jealous or upset in some way.
We've been together almost 7 years now, and lived together for 5 of those. She was asking why I was apprehensive about moving forward with her, and her health is a huge component. She never sleeps. She gets maybe 4 hours a night at best. She's drinking more in a week than I do in a month. She lied to a doctor to get a vyvanse prescription for the soul purpose of losing weight because she won't do any kind of physical activity. She'll lay in bed for days at a time and not shower or anything (this is after she moved out). She beyond absent minded and can't seem to ever focus on anything because her brain is always in work mode. She's managed to get into five accidents in the last four years that required totaling a car or getting it fixed at a garage. Throw in a DUI with a six month license suspension as well. There's a lot to it. I want a family and kids. I would have preferred to have gotten going on that two years ago or so, and I haven't because of her. It's gotten to the point where I don't think she'd be a good mom. I don't know if I could trust her with my kid. Which really sucks.
She never used to be this way. In the last 6 months she lived with me she started to crack a bit, and over the last two years has just gone completely off the deep end.
Yea, I didn't mean that comment as a negative towards you since I know you've been with her for a long time and you've had your ups and downs lately. I got to think, her going off the deep end and you commenting on it which made her pivot is a big sign that this isn't meant for you. You are going one way, she is going the other and even after all that time together, you can't have an honest conversation.
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TBH, I don't think there's much to gain at all by telling a woman their health is poor unless you have such a good relationship that you can honestly tell her these things and she would take it seriously and not as some sort of insult.
Also, in that example, she sees you are improving and she probably knows she is not and that alone probably makes her a bit jealous or upset in some way.
We've been together almost 7 years now, and lived together for 5 of those. She was asking why I was apprehensive about moving forward with her, and her health is a huge component. She never sleeps. She gets maybe 4 hours a night at best. She's drinking more in a week than I do in a month. She lied to a doctor to get a vyvanse prescription for the soul purpose of losing weight because she won't do any kind of physical activity. She'll lay in bed for days at a time and not shower or anything (this is after she moved out). She beyond absent minded and can't seem to ever focus on anything because her brain is always in work mode. She's managed to get into five accidents in the last four years that required totaling a car or getting it fixed at a garage. Throw in a DUI with a six month license suspension as well. There's a lot to it. I want a family and kids. I would have preferred to have gotten going on that two years ago or so, and I haven't because of her. It's gotten to the point where I don't think she'd be a good mom. I don't know if I could trust her with my kid. Which really sucks.
She never used to be this way. In the last 6 months she lived with me she started to crack a bit, and over the last two years has just gone completely off the deep end.
Yea, I didn't mean that comment as a negative towards you since I know you've been with her for a long time and you've had your ups and downs lately. I got to think, her going off the deep end and you commenting on it which made her pivot is a big sign that this isn't meant for you. You are going one way, she is going the other and even after all that time together, you can't have an honest conversation.
And that's one of my biggest issues. We used to be able to talk about anything and everything, and now I feel like I can't be honest. She used to accept proper criticism and feedback. She wanted it to help her grow. Now she wants to bury her head in the sand and not acknowledge any of the reality around her.
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My guess is she knows she is doing some self sabotage, maybe out of depression, and seeing you bettering yourself while questioning her makes her very uncomfortable. I'd say you are doing things right though and keep up the good work, don't let her drag you down into her rabbit hole.
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That's what I'm thinking as well. I'm ready to move on to greener pastures.
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Chino, been there. I feel bad for you. You're probably closer to being right than you know; my ex changed pretty radically from the time we met to the time we divorced, and in the midperiod there were a LOT of medical issues. Without sharing her info, suffice to say that blood chemistry can be a factor here, if there's really that level of personality change (as opposed to just growing apart).
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Yeah. It's definitely sucked. All the selfish shit aside (having to pay for a house on a single income, watching all of my friends starting families, not getting laid, etc..), it's been really crappy having to watch someone you love just slowly slip away in a really self-destructive fashion, all the while being completely powerless help. It got to the point where I felt like I was setting myself on fire to keep someone else warm. I had enough.
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How is the dating scene during covid? I feel like it must be extra difficult right now
It sure is. Dating is really on its head right now.
1. People are more hesitant to meet in person now
2. There's less places to actually go
3. If you do find a place to go like a restaurant or coffee place that's open, it takes an already awkward first date and makes it even more awkward because you are fumblin around with masks and distancing
Its a strange and challenging time for dating at the moment
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I'm glad I'm not dating now. I like faces, I like looking at faces, and I feel like I respond to facial responses. With a mask that is almost impossible. I find some interactions now more difficult and hard to read. "Masks" for me are almost like "real life texting", where you don't always know intent.
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What's funny, I had a friendly interaction at Lidl the other day with a really pretty lady and I was so glad I was wearing a mask that actually covered the two pimples near my mouth :lol
But seriously, it must be so difficult out there right now.
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Giving this a bump.... and my story
So after my x broke my heart in May of 2019, I went a long time of just working on myself. Getting into shape and just in general trying to feel better about myself from having my heart broken. In December of 2019 I finally went on my first date since that break up. I had been seeing this same girl ever since then. We have hung out every weekend during covid times. I told her initially I wasn't sure what I was looking for. Eventually after many months of dating she asked me to be her boyfriend. I said yes. Now in that moment, I was a bit hesitant. She was super nice and was doing everything right but I just wasn't sure I was ready at the time to commit to her. Mostly becaause, while I liked her, I didn't think we had great conversation and I didn't think we had the greatest chemistry. However, with social distancing and all, I felt like it was worth doing this with her and seeing where things would go.
Every weekend we had fun. I definitely enjoyed spending our Saturday nights together. We never had a fight, never had an argument, nothing negative between us. No bickering, just a good time. But I was always left wondering, when will I fall in love? When will I have this moment where I feel like I would give anything to be with her. Sadly, it never came. I don't know why, but the last couple months it was starting to eat at me on the insides. I started putting on weight and feeling depressed. I started feeling like I was being an asshole by letting this continue. But I just kept thinking "our time together is fun, this is going to click and I'm just being stupid" so we kept hanging out. She invited me to her shore house for a bit and I felt like this would be perfect to get away and we'll be able to connect in a way that I haven't felt yet.... and while those two days in LBI were AWESOME, I came home thinking that nothing had changed.
I spent the last couple weeks being more distant. We would hardly text at all. In fact, for a couple, we hardly texted to begin with. Our conversations were always "hows your day" and basic. Nothing compelling and nothing to make me feel more attached. When we hung out the last two Saturdays, my emotions would get the best of me and I would struggle to perform anything sexual. At that point, I felt like maybe things were getting obvious about my feelings. So I struggled internally all week about how I was going to end this.
Well, she just left my house. Came over thinking we would spend the whole weekend together and I totally shocked her when she came in and I said we need to talk. I feel SO BAD. I feel like such an asshole and that I totally might have used her. I even admitted all this, that maybe while it wasn't my intention but because I've felt this way for so long that maybe I used her to keep me entertained during this covid time. I was honest, told her I didn't feel a connection. I didn't love her and she did say she was wondering why the L word had never come up and that it was clear she liked me a lot more than I liked her. I told her I didn't see a future together and it's best we don't waste our time. She was so shocked and upset. She said on her way out she had planned an awesome birthday for me (later this month). I know this was the right thing to do, but I feel like a terrible person today.
On the other hand, I think a weight has been lifted off my back. This needed to happen and the longer I was holding back the harder it was going to be. She's a really good person and deserves someone who will treat her the way she treated me.
Anyway, I guess I am single again, but I'm in no rush to get back into the dating scene. Back to working on myself and my lonely heart.
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Man, that sucks Marc. But I think you couldn't have handled it better. You were up front and honest and the fact that you feel bad means you care about how it affected her. That means a lot imo and hopefully she understands that when the negative feelings subside. No chance of remaining friendly?
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Man, that sucks Marc. But I think you couldn't have handled it better. You were up front and honest and the fact that you feel bad means you care about how it affected her. That means a lot imo and hopefully she understands that when the negative feelings subside. No chance of remaining friendly?
Didn't even come up about being friends. I asked to hug her before she left and she did, so maybe she won't hate me and we can be amicable. I would like to be, but I don't know if now that she's home if she's like "I HATE HIM" so I guess we will see. She lives about 30 minutes away so I don't expect to run into her randomly in which case I would hope we could be friendly. I guess I'll know if I see she unfriended me on social media
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Well well well. Took the plunge and messaged this girl last night (I have really bad self-doubt and anxiety, so it took days just to work up the courage to do that, because I expected she'd think I'm a weirdo or something), and surprisingly she was receptive. Trying to come off cool and taking it easy, no expectations, not playing games, just want to get to know you better etc. especially since she recently got out of a bad relationship. So we chatted for a bit, and made a connection on a few things, and I didn't want to overstay my welcome so I dipped out early after a nice talk. Cool!
It's sooo weird though. There's so much to talk about cause we grew up in the same school system around the same people but hung out with completely different groups, and it's weird almost reaching 30 having that experience of "whoa, we're not at all the same people we were in high school" - this girl was paper thin and part of the preppy popular crowd, now I see her tatted up with a nose ring and wearing black all the time, like what happened that you became metal af? :lol
Asked her out for a walk with one of the dogs she's raising, but she said it's aggressive so we shelved that idea. So, not wanting to push and ask her out for a drink/coffee right after that, I think I'll just play it cool and talk a bit more. She seemed receptive to getting to know me better and blown away by the fact that I knew what Studio Ghibli is so this might actually be way easier for me to handle than I've been thinking :lol
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So you asked her to go for a walk and she considers that "aggressive"?
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Don’t play it that cool. Just ask her to get a coffee or whatever.
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Don’t play it that cool. Just ask her to get a coffee or whatever.
If she considers a walk too much, she's not going to want to get coffee. At least not yet.
How did you actually meet her? You knew each other in school but only recently started chatting? I'd say just keep chatting if she's receptive to that and if that goes well, offer either the walk again or some coffee, but give it time. Hard to say how long, but if the conversations are happening smoothly and its all positive, maybe after a couple days bring up if a walk is still too aggressive and be respectful if she continues to think so, assuming you do really like her. Nothing wrong with having patience especially during a pandemic.
So you asked her to go for a walk and she considers that "aggressive"?
I'd imagine the walk itself is not aggressive, but the wanting to meet up after a first conversation is (unless I'm missing something in terms of their relationship knowing each other already). Like, in any past dating scenario with a girl I'm meeting online, I would consider it "aggressive" to want to meet after the first conversation. I actually think I tried this once before and was told similar "relax, we just started talking" essentially and I only did it because our conversation was really good and I wanted to secure that date before she started talking to someone else. I made that clear in my response to her holding back to not make her think I was a creep.
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Guys, I think it's the dog that's aggressive, not him asking for a walk. But I could be wrong.
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Guys, I think it's the dog that's aggressive, not him asking for a walk. But I could be wrong.
That’s how I read it.
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:lol :lol
I just got caught up on this thread. Sorry Cram :/
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The dog she's raising is aggressive. So instead of pushing it and being like, "How about without the dog?" or "How about a drink?" I just let it be. Nothing about the walk or asking about it was considered aggressive :lol my bad.
I've never actually 'met' her, we just uh, grew up in the same small town and school system, and we're both still living here. I think yesterday was the first time we ever had a conversation, even if it was just via text. Giving it time is exactly what I'm aiming for, I was straight up front with her about how I'm not trying to play games, or play this off as some kind of date, just literally wanting to get to know her better and wherever that goes, it goes. I think I've ran into her at a couple parties, but yeah
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The dog she's raising is aggressive. So instead of pushing it and being like, "How about without the dog?" or "How about a drink?" I just let it be. Nothing about the walk or asking about it was considered aggressive :lol my bad.
I've never actually 'met' her, we just uh, grew up in the same small town and school system, and we're both still living here. I think yesterday was the first time we ever had a conversation, even if it was just via text. Giving it time is exactly what I'm aiming for, I was straight up front with her about how I'm not trying to play games, or play this off as some kind of date, just literally wanting to get to know her better and wherever that goes, it goes. I think I've ran into her at a couple parties, but yeah
No. Tell her you love her and discuss your intentions for marriage and children ASAP.
It’ll help if you can photoshop a mock-up future family portrait as well.
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The dog she's raising is aggressive. So instead of pushing it and being like, "How about without the dog?" or "How about a drink?" I just let it be. Nothing about the walk or asking about it was considered aggressive :lol my bad.
I've never actually 'met' her, we just uh, grew up in the same small town and school system, and we're both still living here. I think yesterday was the first time we ever had a conversation, even if it was just via text. Giving it time is exactly what I'm aiming for, I was straight up front with her about how I'm not trying to play games, or play this off as some kind of date, just literally wanting to get to know her better and wherever that goes, it goes. I think I've ran into her at a couple parties, but yeah
No. Tell her you love her and discuss your intentions for marriage and children ASAP.
It’ll help if you can photoshop a mock-up future family portrait as well.
His and hers. Anything you can present as "His and hers" will go over like gangbusters. Chicks dig that. Towels, keychains, t-shirts, hats.
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:rollin
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:rollin my bad on the aggressive dog
I just got caught up on this thread. Sorry Cram :/
Thanks, I'm still kind of stuck in a rut on where to go from here. The loneliness of me wants to just put myself back out there, but I don't know if that's the best idea. I need to get back to losing weight since I put some on while on vacation, that should be my priority.
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oh, its the dog that's aggressive :lol
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I thought it was the girl. She didn't trust herself around our beau. :tup :o
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Just wanted to rant for a second about what a scam OK Cupid has become.
So you now have to pay to see who likes you. And there no longer is a search function so the site can boost your profile so more people see it or just hide it outright.
When I was paying, I was barley seeing any likes. Now that i canceled and "Can't see" likes without paying again, now all of a sudden I am getting 3-4 likes a day. Its a shame, I used to have so much success from OK Cupid back in the day.
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Just wanted to rant for a second about what a scam OK Cupid has become.
So you now have to pay to see who likes you. And there no longer is a search function so the site can boost your profile so more people see it or just hide it outright.
When I was paying, I was barley seeing any likes. Now that i canceled and "Can't see" likes without paying again, now all of a sudden I am getting 3-4 likes a day. Its a shame, I used to have so much success from OK Cupid back in the day.
I wouldn't waste 5 seconds on OKC these days. Bumble and a paid subscription to Match should be all anyone needs (at least where I live).
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Yeah, good call.
I'll be checking Match out next.
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Yeah, good call.
I'll be checking Match out next.
I did the 6 month subscription last time I was actually dating. I think it cost like $120 or something like that. I had great luck, and it's nice because you know that if other people are on there paying as well, they're at least semi-serious about finding a partner.
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Realizing I was batting way out of my league/this girl ain't interested kinda bums me out. So, I'm back home, half drunk, waiting for the oven to heat up so I can drunkenly shove a bag of French fries into my ugly face. Also waiting for a friend to get back at me about some recently single friends. Onward and upward! I'm on vacation and dgaf. Currently sitting in front of the oven. Waiting. Always waiting. When's gonna be my time?
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Realizing I was batting way out of my league/this girl ain't interested kinda bums me out. So, I'm back home, half drunk, waiting for the oven to heat up so I can drunkenly shove a bag of French fries into my ugly face. Also waiting for a friend to get back at me about some recently single friends. Onward and upward! I'm on vacation and dgaf. Currently sitting in front of the oven. Waiting. Always waiting. When's gonna be my time?
(http://replygif.net/i/774.gif)
Brohug?? Sorry to hear that dude.
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Stuffing my sorrows in a sack cause I stuffed my face full of fries. Tomorrow is a new day. Not gonna leave the house tho but I mean it's a new day
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Stuffing my sorrows in a sack cause I stuffed my face full of fries. Tomorrow is a new day. Not gonna leave the house tho but I mean it's a new day
Sounds like the perfect day to chug some water, and do a deck of cards workout.
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Maybe even two of them!
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What's a deck of cards workout? Deal out two rounds of solitaire?
Chin up, my friend. It will happen, and when you least expect it. The "problem" is that "you can't win if you don't play" (CT Lotto ad). Or, "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" (Michael Scott). I'm joking, but I'm not. I'm proud that you put yourself out there; don't let her particular choice guide you.
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Don't get yourself too bent out of shape because one girl wasn't interested. Plenty of fish in the sea, and you got to cast many lines to catch the one that's going to be special for you.
That's not to say the feeling doesn't suck, but you'll get over it and you'll be better because of it in the end. Keep your chin up
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The feeling definitely does suck and we've all been there. Time heals all wounds, and from my own experience something better eventually comes along.
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Oh yeah, fall off the horse, get back on for sure. That process is so draining, though.
Stads, a DOC workout is when you assign exercises to a suit, and the value determines the number of reps. So when I draw a 10 of spades, I do 10 pushups. Or a queen of hearts is 12 squats. Always leaves me in a good sweat.
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Oh yeah, fall off the horse, get back on for sure. That process is so draining, though.
Stads, a DOC workout is when you assign exercises to a suit, and the value determines the number of reps. So when I draw a 10 of spades, I do 10 pushups. Or a queen of hearts is 12 squats. Always leaves me in a good sweat.
Oh, I've done that before. Spades is beer, hearts is whiskey, diamonds is vodka... uh, that's not the same is it? :)
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Yeah that feeling sucks Walrus, remember your worth is within, not in others. I am personally slowly coming to accept that I could be single the rest of my days and be fine like this, I've got some fulfilling friendships that make daily life worth it.
Of course that development is hijacked by the fact I'm very attracted to my best friend :lol. She just drives me crazy.
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The single life aint the worst thing in the world, if I don't find my match, I think I'd be OK, but that doesn't mean I won't keep trying (although I'm not currently).
Honestly, I really enjoy living alone though. I never thought I would and it was a rough adjustment for me last year, but once the dust settled, I'm pretty happy overall being single and alone. But, I do miss companionship and whatnot. It's a fine line for me and that's why it requires the right person to be by my side and not to settle.
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I've always had a problem walking that line. I like - maybe even LOVE - being by myself. But I like companionship within that. The problem is, I'm not the kind of guy that demands my relationships be on my terms, and I'm not that great navigating the "casual" once it crosses into the physical. I've not yet pulled off the whole "friends with benefits" thing successfully for any length of time. So it's sort of a ping-pong match. My wife is fairly good at understanding, but it's still not perfect in that regard.
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Huh, realizing I haven't posted here in a while.
So, I'm one of those people that met someone during COVID. I was living in Long Island and went on a picnic with some coworkers in May or so in Queens. My phone had an app called Jswipe on it, which is exactly what it sounds like for Jewish peeps. It's largely location based. So when I'm in Long Island, only people who have that on their radius will see me, but when I was in Queens, I would show up on people's apps in the city. Which means when I went to visit Manhattan, I'd have a lot more likes than in Long Island. So one like was from this cute girl that I chatted up. We eventually face timed and ended up talking a whole lot. She lived in Brooklyn, which was almost 90 min from me, but we eventually scheduled an in person date. Had masks and so forth but felt safe eventually taking them off.
Cut to now, we've been very happy since then. She's a Rabbi, which is odd for me, since I'm agnostic, but she's amazing and fantastic. :)
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Good for you! :tup
Don't tell her about us, though. ;)
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90 minutes is pretty far apart, but if you are happy then I'm happy for you. That's pretty cool you've been able to find someone during the pandemic.
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Good for you! :tup
Don't tell her about us, though. ;)
She already knows to disagree with you. :biggrin:
I'd actually pay money to see you two debate. She's super far left and VERY passionate/opinionated/intelligent. It'd be an epic throw down.
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90 minutes is pretty far apart, but if you are happy then I'm happy for you. That's pretty cool you've been able to find someone during the pandemic.
Oh that was for a while. In August I moved to Brooklyn. I'm currently either an hour or so walk away or a 20 minute drive.
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90 minutes is pretty far apart, but if you are happy then I'm happy for you. That's pretty cool you've been able to find someone during the pandemic.
Oh that was for a while. In August I moved to Brooklyn. I'm currently either an hour or so walk away or a 20 minute drive.
Oh cool, was the move to be closer with her or it just worked out that way?
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90 minutes is pretty far apart, but if you are happy then I'm happy for you. That's pretty cool you've been able to find someone during the pandemic.
Oh that was for a while. In August I moved to Brooklyn. I'm currently either an hour or so walk away or a 20 minute drive.
Oh cool, was the move to be closer with her or it just worked out that way?
I got a job in Queens. And while I currently work from home, at some point I'll be commuting so I wanted to live in the city. Brooklyn, however, was largely inspired by her. Though I'm quite satisfied with it either way.
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That's awesome, good for you
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Brooklyn is the bomb. I spent the day there before the Iron Maiden show a couple years back, and had a blast. Seems like a nice little community (reminded me of where I lived in Phill, TBH).
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Brooklyn is the bomb. I spent the day there before the Iron Maiden show a couple years back, and had a blast. Seems like a nice little community (reminded me of where I lived in Phill, TBH).
My Dad is from Brooklyn, but I can't say I've ever personally really connected with the city. However, it's gotten much nicer there and I did enjoy the weekend there for the Maiden shows. I'm not a city person though, I couldn't live there, nor Philly.
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Brooklyn is the bomb. I spent the day there before the Iron Maiden show a couple years back, and had a blast. Seems like a nice little community (reminded me of where I lived in Phill, TBH).
My Dad is from Brooklyn, but I can't say I've ever personally really connected with the city. However, it's gotten much nicer there and I did enjoy the weekend there for the Maiden shows. I'm not a city person though, I couldn't live there, nor Philly.
I'll give you that: it IS different, no matter how you slice it. I happen to like both, but I get that some people don't, and If I'm being honest, some of the "allure" of the city is because I'm NOT there. It's easier to live in the country, because you can have the best of all worlds easier.
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90 minutes is pretty far apart, but if you are happy then I'm happy for you. That's pretty cool you've been able to find someone during the pandemic.
I mean my commute to work is 90 minutes. My commute to my best friend's house is 90 minutes. It's definitely not too far apart in my opinion.
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90 minutes is pretty far apart, but if you are happy then I'm happy for you. That's pretty cool you've been able to find someone during the pandemic.
I mean my commute to work is 90 minutes. My commute to my best friend's house is 90 minutes. It's definitely not too far apart in my opinion.
wow, that's a lot though IMO. Like, when I was on tinder, I wouldn't bother searching outside of 30 miles away. Best friends are a bit different though, like my college roommate after college lived about 90 minutes away from me so we'd still make a point to hang out every now and then because 90 minutes is doable every once in awhile. But if I' dating someone, 90 minutes is pretty far to constantly do. To each their own provolone.
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After my divorce and before meeting my wife, I met this cute girl from Fairfield County and we went out a couple times. I don't think it was the ONLY thing, but the fact we were about an hour apart didn't help and we went our separate ways after a couple dates.
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After my divorce and before meeting my wife, I met this cute girl from Fairfield County and we went out a couple times. I don't think it was the ONLY thing, but the fact we were about an hour apart didn't help and we went our separate ways after a couple dates.
Similar to Adami's story of the intitial meeting through an app. I work near NYC, and I used Tinder and matched with a girl in NYC which typically is a no no for me, it's just way too costly to go in/out of the city and time consuming to attempt to meet people. We were just loosely chatting and I said, FYI, you live in NYC and me in NJ and I have no desire to date... but I'll totally meet up tonight only. She agreed and we had a few drinks and I spent the night at her place. She then wanted to make it a normal thing and start dating. I gave it a try, and after a few weeks of telling her I can only hang once a week and her not liking that answer, I decided I couldn't do it.
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So, she figured after a one-night stand, she could 'turn' you?
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So, she figured after a one-night stand, she could 'turn' you?
Pretty much but I gave it a shot and the distance thing just isn't for me.
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So, she figured after a one-night stand, she could 'turn' you?
Pretty much but I gave it a shot and the distance thing just isn't for me.
Yea. Before COVID I went on a few dates in the city (and one girl in New Haven near our boy Stads) and I think I knew the whole time that wasn't gonna work with the distance. I'm glad I live in Brooklyn now, since I don't think she and I would have been sustainable if I stayed in Long Island. Especially since she doesn't have a car and I was doing all the driving.
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Same girl I thought wasn't interested hit me up last night with "how's your week going?" Not sure how to interpret this. Friend says, "if she's talking, she's interested." (https://i.postimg.cc/CLk4Tndc/v.gif) Bruh I'm confused
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Definitely odd, maybe she thought about it some more. I'm so not into games, but being this was kind of a new thing for you, maybe for her too, maybe worth it to keep a friendly convo going, keep the door open and see what happens.
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Yeah I think you're right. Just gonna keep it nice and casual. Maaaybe invite her out for a drink next time I'm at the bar if things keep up. I bragged about something I shouldn't really be talking about so maybe she thinks I'm slightly cooler now LOL
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I agree with Cram, though I'm not sure I'd use the word 'odd'. I've changed my mind on people in the past. For whatever reason, I'll talk myself out of pursuing someone in the moment or early on. I've come around after some contemplation. Humans are complicated and complex. Sometimes it takes a while for us to get our heads on straight.
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I agree with Cram, though I'm not sure I'd use the word 'odd'.
Yea, maybe not really odd, I'd have to know the exact circumstances but after a rejection, it is a little interesting to just send a random how ya doing. A lot of the times, from my experience, its a girl toying with you. Looking for attention essentially but doesnt really have the desire to date or be serious. However, I still think in this case, I'd keep the convo going based on the circumstances I do know.
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Yeah I think you're right. Just gonna keep it nice and casual. Maaaybe invite her out for a drink next time I'm at the bar if things keep up. I bragged about something I shouldn't really be talking about so maybe she thinks I'm slightly cooler now LOL
God dammit man, stop being pussy....buy her dad a goat and put a baby in her immediately!
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Yeah I think you're right. Just gonna keep it nice and casual. Maaaybe invite her out for a drink next time I'm at the bar if things keep up. I bragged about something I shouldn't really be talking about so maybe she thinks I'm slightly cooler now LOL
God dammit man, stop being pussy....buy her dad a goat and put a baby in her immediately!
I don't think I can put a baby in a goat, but you're the doctor, so...
I should say I don't think she rejected me per se - I was reading the signs and kind of gave up before experiencing potential humiliation hahaha. So maybe it was ME all along :lol
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Yeah I think you're right. Just gonna keep it nice and casual. Maaaybe invite her out for a drink next time I'm at the bar if things keep up. I bragged about something I shouldn't really be talking about so maybe she thinks I'm slightly cooler now LOL
God dammit man, stop being pussy....buy her dad a goat and put a baby in her immediately!
I don't think I can put a baby in a goat, but you're the doctor, so...
This is a perfect example of why you're single. You don't even TRY to put a baby in a goat?
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Yeah I think you're right. Just gonna keep it nice and casual. Maaaybe invite her out for a drink next time I'm at the bar if things keep up. I bragged about something I shouldn't really be talking about so maybe she thinks I'm slightly cooler now LOL
God dammit man, stop being pussy....buy her dad a goat and put a baby in her immediately!
I don't think I can put a baby in a goat, but you're the doctor, so...
This is a perfect example of why you're single. You don't even TRY to put a baby in a goat?
I mean, I just can't think of any way that doesn't violate at least three different laws. Also goats can't swim.
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Same girl I thought wasn't interested hit me up last night with "how's your week going?" Not sure how to interpret this. Friend says, "if she's talking, she's interested." (https://i.postimg.cc/CLk4Tndc/v.gif) Bruh I'm confused
Wait... did she TELL you she wasn't interested, or did you THINK she wasn't interested? We need deets.
EDIT: I just read your last post; hmmm. I'm not saying "set yourself up for a fail", but... I'm not sure I'd put all my eggs in my "spider sense" basket at this point. You can do both: protect your heart AND keep the lines of communication open. Not suggesting she still can't be screwing with you, but I'd trust your instincts AND not make any final decisions. It's still WAY early on to be closing doors for things that aren't tangible.
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Yeah I think you're right. Just gonna keep it nice and casual. Maaaybe invite her out for a drink next time I'm at the bar if things keep up. I bragged about something I shouldn't really be talking about so maybe she thinks I'm slightly cooler now LOL
PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE tell me you didn't send her a d--- pick already ever?
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is that why girls don't text me back, thought they all liked duck picks, look at this cutie
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/bf/Bucephala-albeola-010.jpg/1200px-Bucephala-albeola-010.jpg)
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HAHA
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Same girl I thought wasn't interested hit me up last night with "how's your week going?" Not sure how to interpret this. Friend says, "if she's talking, she's interested." (https://i.postimg.cc/CLk4Tndc/v.gif) Bruh I'm confused
Wait... did she TELL you she wasn't interested, or did you THINK she wasn't interested? We need deets.
EDIT: I just read your last post; hmmm. I'm not saying "set yourself up for a fail", but... I'm not sure I'd put all my eggs in my "spider sense" basket at this point. You can do both: protect your heart AND keep the lines of communication open. Not suggesting she still can't be screwing with you, but I'd trust your instincts AND not make any final decisions. It's still WAY early on to be closing doors for things that aren't tangible.
Oh yeah. I don't think she's screwing with me, and I'm definitely not closing any doors - or putting my eggs in one basket so to speak, there are other DMs going on, but she's the big fish in the pond so to speak.
And yeah I THOUGHT she wasn't interested. I didn't wait for the rejection before I gave up hahaha
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She may have put you in the friend zone. At which point, she'll still talk to you and maybe hang out, but Its not gonna go farther than that.
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I don't like the idea of a friend zone as the boys call it, but my initial intention is just to know her better anyway and worst case scenario is I have a cool new friend I can talk about some stuff with :)
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So remember how I talked myself into thinking that girl isn't interested? I could be totally off base here, but over the last few weeks she regularly messages me out of the blue asking how my day is going/weekend was/random shit like her dinner, or launching into a tirade about something that she found funny/annoying. Now, I might be completely CLUELESS, but that always confuses me when it comes from a girl I'm into. At the same time, I've had a girl from my past tell me just today she wants to be with me, especially in the future when she's back in the area, and she's batshit crazy so I'm like whooooooa hold up :lol :lol I cast my net out to a few other girls, too; none have been as receptive as girl #1, though, but they're all nice.
All that leads me to the big roadblock of 2020-2021: how the hell are you supposed to date anybody during this pandemic?! What do you do for dates? Gonna have to get 1950s with it and have a damn picnic I guess. :rollin
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She might be scared to follow through, but that chick is at least mildly digging you.
As for dating, got me. Might as well as me to explain a black hole or a supernova.
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You think? It'd be nice. :lol
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I couldn't tell you how dating would work during this era, but if you got along well enough through chatting, at some point I'd imagine you'd both be comfortable with meeting up for like a coffee outside or something like that. I'd be totally cool just doing a walk in the park or something as well on a first date, even wear a mask if necessary or to make us both feel comfortable. I certainly am not going to kiss with a mask on though :lol
(https://wtop.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/GettyImages-1209865909.jpg)
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I met my lady during COVID.
It was a bit odd at first. Lots of texting led to phone calls and face time. I strongly suggest FaceTime. It really helps weed out the people you’re not gonna feel comfy with.
Eventually we met up. First date was just a long walk and visit to a lovely park with masks. Second date we felt safe enough to visit her place with no masks. Cooked dinner together.
It’s hard at the beginning and you have to be creative. Most traditional early dates don’t work right now.
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She might be scared to follow through, but that chick is at least mildly digging you.
As for dating, got me. Might as well as me to explain a black hole or a supernova.
Or politics :neverusethis:
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Um so, girl in question asked me out on a date out of the blue :rollin
Ya boy is back!!
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Um so, girl in question asked me out on a date out of the blue :rollin
Ya boy is back!!
Please resort back to my previous advice.
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:lol
That made my night honestly. The being asked out. I think that's the first time the girl has asked me. Wow :biggrin:
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your date: "yeah, so, this guy is never gonna figure out that I like him. I message him randomly, we talk about cute shit, I take interest in him, and he still hasn't asked me out."
her friend: "sounds like you should ask him out yourself and find out"
your date: "yeah but what if he hasn't asked because he just doesn't like me ??? he'd have to be really clueless not to notice that I obviously like him. oh well let's find out!"
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:rollin
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:lol congrats on getting a date with the girl you like
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Yeah, good luck. Congratulations!
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Also, for the female asking you out, I'm starting to think that is going to be more common. My last x actually asked me to be her bf. Kind of surprised me, but I think lots of the females today have no issue letting a guy know what they want.
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Also, for the female asking you out, I'm starting to think that is going to be more common. My last x actually asked me to be her bf. Kind of surprised me, but I think lots of the females today have no issue letting a guy know what they want.
I for one have ZERO problem with that.
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I have double zero problem with that. :lol
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I've had a couple women ask me out. Had one even walk up to me out of the blue in a restaurant and give me her number, lol.
I 100% prefer that, since for most of my life I didn't understand how to read their subtle interest queues. I do now, but it took a very long time to figure it out.
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The last time I got on Bumble, some 11 months ago or so, I just said the hell with it and just started asking out every girl I matched with. Didn't matter if we were only 3 lines in. The amount that responded with a yes was shocking to me.
My last GF/GF/partial ex/kind of maybe fiancé paid the tab on our first date. That one through me for a ringer.
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The last time I got on Bumble, some 11 months ago or so, I just said the hell with it and just started asking out every girl I matched with. Didn't matter if we were only 3 lines in. The amount that responded with a yes was shocking to me.
I can't remember why I bothered reading it since I'm married, but I read something about how to have success in online dating and the #1 thing was to actually ask the person out on a date. Apparently most people chat for a little while and it peters out without anyone actually asking to meet. I'm going to guess that so few men actually ask a woman out through online dating that most will say yes to almost anyone who seems half decent just to have something real to judge you on instead of just a few messages.
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With online dating, I would chat over the course of 3 days and then ask if they wanted to meet in person.
Pre covid, people were fine meeting in person for the first date, but if someone didn't want to meet I was prepared to ask them if they wanted to talk on the phone. Either way, it was important to progress it beyond just messaging.
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The last time I got on Bumble, some 11 months ago or so, I just said the hell with it and just started asking out every girl I matched with. Didn't matter if we were only 3 lines in. The amount that responded with a yes was shocking to me.
My last GF/GF/partial ex/kind of maybe fiancé paid the tab on our first date. That one through me for a ringer.
Wait, wut? :) :)
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The last time I got on Bumble, some 11 months ago or so, I just said the hell with it and just started asking out every girl I matched with. Didn't matter if we were only 3 lines in. The amount that responded with a yes was shocking to me.
My last GF/GF/partial ex/kind of maybe fiancé paid the tab on our first date. That one through me for a ringer.
Wait, wut? :) :)
It's a very unhealthily relationship :lol
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The last time I got on Bumble, some 11 months ago or so, I just said the hell with it and just started asking out every girl I matched with. Didn't matter if we were only 3 lines in. The amount that responded with a yes was shocking to me.
My last GF/GF/partial ex/kind of maybe fiancé paid the tab on our first date. That one through me for a ringer.
Wait, wut? :) :)
It's a very unhealthily relationship :lol
I'm not here to judge. :)
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Kind of surprised me, but I think lots of the females today have no issue letting a guy know what they want.
The next guy who dates any of my friends can thank me for that, I've been spreading the good word about asking men out first for years now :hat it's a super hack. Even if he's not interested right now/going through something, he's definitely gonna remember you.
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The last time I got on Bumble, some 11 months ago or so, I just said the hell with it and just started asking out every girl I matched with. Didn't matter if we were only 3 lines in. The amount that responded with a yes was shocking to me.
My last GF/GF/partial ex/kind of maybe fiancé paid the tab on our first date. That one through me for a ringer.
Wait, wut? :) :)
It's a very unhealthily relationship :lol
I'm not here to judge. :)
Oh feel free. I'll be the first to admit it's batshit crazy. I judge myself very harshly for it, and I expect other do the same :lol
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Hey, some cute guys are actually shy. Right Milena? Doesn't hurt at all for a girl to ask.
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Yup, they're still not used to being asked, or being told you are interested in them. It's a good way to stand out :yarr
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Honestly yeah, I was taken aback when she asked me before I asked her. Fortunately she seems to be the kind of girl who gives the finger to normal traditions. pls more of that in the world ty :metal
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I find strait forwardness a huge turn on honestly. Trying to figure out why someone is upset only for them to say "you know what you did" or total silent treatment is pretty lame.
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your date: "yeah, so, this guy is never gonna figure out that I like him. I message him randomly, we talk about cute shit, I take interest in him, and he still hasn't asked me out."
her friend: "sounds like you should ask him out yourself and find out"
your date: "yeah but what if he hasn't asked because he just doesn't like me ??? he'd have to be really clueless not to notice that I obviously like him. oh well let's find out!"
I've seen too many romcom manga series where it's played out very similar to this. It frustrates me as a reader.
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Kind of surprised me, but I think lots of the females today have no issue letting a guy know what they want.
The next guy who dates any of my friends can thank me for that, I've been spreading the good word about asking men out first for years now :hat it's a super hack. Even if he's not interested right now/going through something, he's definitely gonna remember you.
I love it; it shifts the dynamic a bit - now I'm in the position of having to give the "it's not you, it's me" speech if it comes to that - but for me, who is not a wallflower and is attracted to women who aren't wallflowers, it's a positive thing for any relationship, and it sets the tone.
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Back to the singles thread. Well, could've been here for about 3 years. How's it going?
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Back to the singles thread. Well, could've been here for about 3 years. How's it going?
Not even trying personally
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Waiting for the right moment.
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Waiting for the right moment.
:hug:
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Waiting for the right moment.
When's that, if you don't mind my asking?
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Once the pandemic is over and I can go back to town :lol. Just waiting to ask her out then.
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I don't know even know how to get my foot out the door and don't even know if I want to. My life has too many uncertainty, especially when it comes to the finance side of it, to even want to consider getting out there and settling down with a relationship and family life. I tell myself I'm nowhere near ready for it. From a financial standpoint and from a mental standpoint.
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I get that, objectively, but there's something to be said for the idea that "man plans and God laughs". Or as John Lennon put it, "Life is what happens when you're making other plans". I think there are some things in life you're never really "ready" for, and in fact, I think there are some things in life that you probably SHOULDN'T be ready for (put another way, there are some things in life you might actually NEED to BE ready).
Assuming you want/need the companionship, why not put yourself out there and see where it takes you? I know I was a financial mess after my divorce - my new wife wasn't much better - but we made that a part of our bonding, and while there are moments I wish I played "James Bond" a little more before I remarried, I also know it's not really in my nature to BE James Bond, so it's fanciful thinking. But I'm probably in the second best financial position of my life, now, and it was in part by growing together with my wife.
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I get that, objectively, but there's something to be said for the idea that "man plan's and God laughs". Or as John Lennon put it, "Life is what happens when you're making other plans". I think there are some things in life you're never really "ready" for, and in fact, I think there are some things in life that you probably SHOULDN'T be ready for (put another way, there are some things in life you might actually NEED to BE ready).
Assuming you want/need the companionship, why not put yourself out there and see where it takes you? I know I was a financial mess after my divorce - my new wife wasn't much better - but we made that a part of our bonding, and while there are moments I wish I played "James Bond" a little more before I remarried, I also know it's not really in my nature to BE James Bond, so it's fanciful thinking. But I'm probably in the second best financial position of my life, now, and it was in part by growing together with my wife.
Bingo. BINGO. And it took me years to get this.
Guess what? I get paid today, but right now I have almost nothing in my bank account. I'm fortunate to make enough that (although I'm still getting my shit together) I can bounce back, but I've stopped letting that get in my way. Do I have enough to go out and get a fancy new outfit? Nah, not really. Do I have enough to go get lunch? Yeah. Do I have enough confidence in my personality to hold a conversation and learn about them? Absolutely. Ditching the negative self-defeating thoughts is the very first step. I *want* this, so I'm going for it, despite being in less than ideal financial circumstances. Confidence is attractive, I just keep telling myself that... because it's true.
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Man, this damn pandemic. No indoor dining at all here in Champaign. Which would be fine, if this wasn't the one weekend of the year with like 39mph winds. Really hoping the place we were planning to go to has a tent or canopy or something out front that we can use. pls let there be something. I'm going to make this day a good day god damn it :lol
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Have any of you ever dated someone for a long time who you just kinda felt meh about? If so, what was it like, and do you regret it?
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Have any of you ever dated someone for a long time who you just kinda felt meh about? If so, what was it like, and do you regret it?
Not for a long time, but there's only been one girl who I initially really felt something for and then the longer I went on being with her I realized I just wasn't feeling it. Actually she cared more for me, and was extremely upset when I broke it off. Oof. Bad times.
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Yesterday the girl I'm into and I chose to reschedule our lunch to next Sunday, because of 40+mph winds and no indoor dining anywhere. So today I sat on it and twiddled my thumbs and just sent her a message. Coming over Friday to watch Game of Thrones. Yay. :)
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Have any of you ever dated someone for a long time who you just kinda felt meh about? If so, what was it like, and do you regret it?
Not sure what counts for a long time, but you can see my post from "Reply #3538 on: September 11, 2020, 07:46:11 PM" for breaking up with a girl after 9 months because I felt meh about it. I don't regret it, we had fun, but I do feel bad for letting it go to a point for making me feel bad about it. I certainly felt bad for her, but in the end, since it was "meh" it really is the best for both of us.
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Have any of you ever dated someone for a long time who you just kinda felt meh about? If so, what was it like, and do you regret it?
Not for a long time, but there's only been one girl who I initially really felt something for and then the longer I went on being with her I realized I just wasn't feeling it. Actually she cared more for me, and was extremely upset when I broke it off. Oof. Bad times.
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Yesterday the girl I'm into and I chose to reschedule our lunch to next Sunday, because of 40+mph winds and no indoor dining anywhere. So today I sat on it and twiddled my thumbs and just sent her a message. Coming over Friday to watch Game of Thrones. Yay. :)
Make sure you watch the episode with the incest, or the one where Melisandre gives birth to the demon smoke. If that doesn't cut the ice, nothing will! :) :) :)
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Have any of you ever dated someone for a long time who you just kinda felt meh about? If so, what was it like, and do you regret it?
Not sure what counts for a long time, but you can see my post from "Reply #3538 on: September 11, 2020, 07:46:11 PM" for breaking up with a girl after 9 months because I felt meh about it. I don't regret it, we had fun, but I do feel bad for letting it go to a point for making me feel bad about it. I certainly felt bad for her, but in the end, since it was "meh" it really is the best for both of us.
I got to the doorstep of an engagement, then broke it off. I didn't know it at the time, but I think looking back that qualifies for your question. I don't think it's as easy as saying "I was meh and let it go"; it's not how it works. There was restlessness, there was yearning, but I was also 26, just finishing law school, wondering what my job would be and where it would take me... it's only in hindsight that I realized if I really loved her, if it was way more than "meh" I'd've found a way to stick it out. She wasn't happy then, but other than being civil and respectful in letting her down, I'm not sure what else I could have done.
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Have any of you ever dated someone for a long time who you just kinda felt meh about? If so, what was it like, and do you regret it?
Not sure what counts for a long time, but you can see my post from "Reply #3538 on: September 11, 2020, 07:46:11 PM" for breaking up with a girl after 9 months because I felt meh about it. I don't regret it, we had fun, but I do feel bad for letting it go to a point for making me feel bad about it. I certainly felt bad for her, but in the end, since it was "meh" it really is the best for both of us.
I got to the doorstep of an engagement, then broke it off. I didn't know it at the time, but I think looking back that qualifies for your question. I don't think it's as easy as saying "I was meh and let it go"; it's not how it works. There was restlessness, there was yearning, but I was also 26, just finishing law school, wondering what my job would be and where it would take me... it's only in hindsight that I realized if I really loved her, if it was way more than "meh" I'd've found a way to stick it out. She wasn't happy then, but other than being civil and respectful in letting her down, I'm not sure what else I could have done.
I would say, what I referenced was legit "meh" but I also was with a girl for 9 years and was engaged and ended it. The love definitely faded away there, but it was never "meh". Just something that over time, we grew apart and had less and less in common to the point where it broke. Sadly, I do regret that because I knew much sooner that it wasn't going to work and yet kept at it thinking there was a chance it could work. If I listened to my instinct I could have saved a couple years of grief and misery.
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Have any of you ever dated someone for a long time who you just kinda felt meh about? If so, what was it like, and do you regret it?
Not for a long time, but there's only been one girl who I initially really felt something for and then the longer I went on being with her I realized I just wasn't feeling it. Actually she cared more for me, and was extremely upset when I broke it off. Oof. Bad times.
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Yesterday the girl I'm into and I chose to reschedule our lunch to next Sunday, because of 40+mph winds and no indoor dining anywhere. So today I sat on it and twiddled my thumbs and just sent her a message. Coming over Friday to watch Game of Thrones. Yay. :)
Make sure you watch the episode with the incest, or the one where Melisandre gives birth to the demon smoke. If that doesn't cut the ice, nothing will! :) :) :)
:lol!! She's somewhere in season 3 right now, so with any luck, maybe The Red Wedding will be the one we see. I'm just glad it's not the sex with Littlefinger's dialogue from season 1. Thank god :rollin
Me after work for the rest of the week:
(https://media3.giphy.com/media/10zsjaH4g0GgmY/giphy.gif)
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Have any of you ever dated someone for a long time who you just kinda felt meh about? If so, what was it like, and do you regret it?
I dated a girl for 2.5 years in high school and college and by the end I was still with her because it was comfortable and trying to find someone new seemed scary. I eventually ended it when I knew I had the next girlfriend lined up. :lol In retrospect I should have ended it much sooner, but I was 19 at the time and knew nothing, so I cut myself a little slack on that one.
Dated another girl for most of my senior year of college. I knew from day 1 she wasn't "the one" or anything, but we enjoyed each other's company and had a great time. I felt bad breaking it off with her at the end of the year because she was much more into me than I was into her. Sorta regret not either being more clear that I wasn't serious about her or ending it sooner.
Sounds like it's time to break it off. You shouldn't feel meh about someone you're in a long term relationship with if there's nothing (like marriage or kids) tying you together. And if there is marriage or kids, work hard to fire things up again.
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Good to hear everyone's experiences. I've had maybe three relationships I felt meh about, utterly unchallenged and bored. But I went for it because it was easy. But then...inevitably, the frustration and resentment kicked in. Not a good idea.
On a lighter note--I had coffee with a new girl, and I think we like each other a lot. I met her at the coffee place a few days before after randomly striking up a conversation, but I had things to do, so I decided to ask her out cold and up front. Turns out that cold and up front is effective. So we got coffee. Aaaand we'll see each other again. :)
She's a young 'un, compared to me. Maybe 21 but probably 22. I'm 29. Gotta do some math but I think that's OK. I kinda prefer it, actually, truth be told. My previous relationship was with a girl 3 years older, and she was in a hurry to start a family ASAP. So, any pitfalls to be aware of with dating somewhat younger? I don't want to be a manipulator, and I've heard that saying things like "You're mature for your age" are highly manipulative.
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Good to hear everyone's experiences. I've had maybe three relationships I felt meh about, utterly unchallenged and bored. But I went for it because it was easy. But then...inevitably, the frustration and resentment kicked in. Not a good idea.
On a lighter note--I had coffee with a new girl, and I think we like each other a lot. I met her at the coffee place a few days before after randomly striking up a conversation, but I had things to do, so I decided to ask her out cold and up front. Turns out that cold and up front is effective. So we got coffee. Aaaand we'll see each other again. :)
She's a young 'un, compared to me. Maybe 21 but probably 22. I'm 29. Gotta do some math but I think that's OK. I kinda prefer it, actually, truth be told. My previous relationship was with a girl 3 years older, and she was in a hurry to start a family ASAP. So, any pitfalls to be aware of with dating somewhat younger? I don't want to be a manipulator, and I've heard that saying things like "You're mature for your age" are highly manipulative.
I got divorced when I was 45, and pretty quickly I drew the line at 30, and it wasn't about maturity, it was just about compatability. You're probably fine with 29 and 22, but at a certain point your experiences and exposures color your world view. You can only have the conversation so many times: "Wow, you look like Susanna Hoffs!" "Who?" "Susanna Hoffs!" "Who?" "Lead singer for The Bangles." "Who?" "The Bangles. Manic Monday. Walk Like An Egyptian." "Who?" Okay, so what music do you like? "Oh, Lady Gaga. She is so original, there has never been anyone like her ever". "Madonna." "Who?"
I shit you not, the Susanna Hoffs conversation happened to me (it was a bartender, not a potential date, but still). To each their own, but for me, while I like hearing new things, and experiencing new points of view, there has to be SOME touch point, some commonality. Age, especially with the advent of social media and technology, is a factor in that. Also for me, I have a kid, so that factored in too. If I was going to remarry, the person I was with would have to be a stepmom.
Then again, one of my ex-wife's friends married a guy 25 years older than her and for the most part they had a successful loving relationship. She stepped out once or twice, but he was pragmatic about it (oddly, she pre-deceased him, go figure.)
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Mmmmmfff, I knew I was gonna break things off with my first boyfriend about a year and a half in, we tried to "fix our issues" until three years in, and then it took us six more months to break up because we haven't broken up with anyone before and we didn't know what was the appropriate time to give up. So we were like, ok, there has to be some verbal act of breakup, and he said, and I quote, "ok from now on we are broken up" :rollin
Since we have the same group of friends, we remained friends, though really for the first six months of "remaining friends" all we did was pick fights with each other in front of everybody over dumb shit, and make everyone feel really awkward. Then we chilled out (at the end of 2012, wow that was a loooong ass time ago) and now I would call him one of my best friends.
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Mmmmmfff, I knew I was gonna break things off with my first boyfriend about a year and a half in, we tried to "fix our issues" until three years in, and then it took us six more months to break up because we haven't broken up with anyone before and we didn't know what was the appropriate time to give up. So we were like, ok, there has to be some verbal act of breakup, and he said, and I quote, "ok from now on we are broken up" :rollin
Since we have the same group of friends, we remained friends, though really for the first six months of "remaining friends" all we did was pick fights with each other in front of everybody over dumb shit, and make everyone feel really awkward. Then we chilled out (at the end of 2012, wow that was a loooong ass time ago) and now I would call him one of my best friends.
I will say this, some people just work better as just friends.
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I've been able to be civil and friendly with most of my exes; I think there's only really one that would mofo me to any great degree. That's not to say I'm close with any of them; I haven't had to, except for my ex-wife (because we have a kid) and I'm proud to say that we've been adults about that (at one point, we were together at my daughter's college introduction, and we had people come up to us and say "wow, really impressed at how you two have conducted yourselves" or something similar). While I have a strong streak of "I like people to like me", I have a sort of strong streak of "I don't want to be constantly reminded of my mistakes and failures" and sometimes it's better for me to just let our lives take our course. My high school girlfriend - for whom I carried a torch for YEARS after - is married with kids. I have no idea if she's happy or not, I have no idea if she ever thinks of me or not, and it's probably best for all - including the kids - if we just remain in each others' memories. I have ZERO doubt that if we ran into each other in the supermarket it would be cordial, and there would be the obligatory exchange of numbers/emails/Facechat info, but I just don't see the benefit in that.
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Yea, I don't keep up with any of my x's but I've always made it a point to at least be friendly just in case that we do run into each other, it's not awkward but more of like two friends who can say hi and have a brief catch up before moving on with our lives as usual.
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Girl's coming over to my place tonight. This is so weird for a few reasons. Haven't seen each other since high school, so first time seeing each other is at my freaking apartment :lol Taking it so casually, though. Game of Thrones and pizza. Last night I made a cheesecake - luckily she's into cheesecake, and other than the unfortunate crack in the middle, it turned out awesome, it's delicious af. Got this all locked up. My place is cozier now than it's ever been before, and the lights are all over the place. Wave light projector behind the TV scatters its lights and lasers across the ceiling and walls, blending with the TV backlight which I set to match the candle light around the room.
Just hope the new coffee table and rug I ordered get here before 6 PM. That's literally the only piece of the puzzle missing. And we're starting at Season 4 episode 8 - The Mountain and the Viper. F yes. Gonna be a good night fellas, wish me luck :metal
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She's into GOT?
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Awesome, good luck!
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Girl's coming over to my place tonight. This is so weird for a few reasons. Haven't seen each other since high school, so first time seeing each other is at my freaking apartment :lol Taking it so casually, though. Game of Thrones and pizza. Last night I made a cheesecake - luckily she's into cheesecake, and other than the unfortunate crack in the middle, it turned out awesome, it's delicious af. Got this all locked up. My place is cozier now than it's ever been before, and the lights are all over the place. Wave light projector behind the TV scatters its lights and lasers across the ceiling and walls, blending with the TV backlight which I set to match the candle light around the room.
Just hope the new coffee table and rug I ordered get here before 6 PM. That's literally the only piece of the puzzle missing. And we're starting at Season 4 episode 8 - The Mountain and the Viper. F yes. Gonna be a good night fellas, wish me luck :metal
(http://www.quickmeme.com/img/0c/0c8a18bff5a4c6ab787391ed0e119eec7038ecb3c386e532f7a8bc5dc0bda233.jpg)
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Awesome, good luck!
Thanks dude! :2metal:
@king - she started watching a couple weeks ago and is flying through it, I think she just started season 4 Tuesday. She's hooked, and she picked one of my FAVORITE episodes of the series to kick the night off. Perfect starting point for tonight.
@Adami - :rollin
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That's great! Good luck my friend!
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I just googled it, and that is a GREAT episode to start with. Not a lot of icky moral issues (the incest, the bastards) but a lot of intrigue and a lot to discuss - Petyr's motivations, Sansa's motivations, the implications of the Martell/Clegane fight, the relationship? between Tywin and Tyreon, and most of all, the interaction between Jorah and Daenerys. You can have some deep conversations about the nature of love, if you're up for it.
Just don't ogle Missandei. :) :)
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I just googled it, and that is a GREAT episode to start with. Not a lot of icky moral issues (the incest, the bastards) but a lot of intrigue and a lot to discuss - Petyr's motivations, Sansa's motivations, the implications of the Martell/Clegane fight, the relationship? between Tywin and Tyreon, and most of all, the interaction between Jorah and Daenerys. You can have some deep conversations about the nature of love, if you're up for it.
Just don't ogle Missandei. :) :)
Hopefully the site of the Mandalorian's head being crushed will get her all hot and bothered.
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I just googled it, and that is a GREAT episode to start with. Not a lot of icky moral issues (the incest, the bastards) but a lot of intrigue and a lot to discuss - Petyr's motivations, Sansa's motivations, the implications of the Martell/Clegane fight, the relationship? between Tywin and Tyreon, and most of all, the interaction between Jorah and Daenerys. You can have some deep conversations about the nature of love, if you're up for it.
Just don't ogle Missandei. :) :)
Hopefully the site of the Mandalorian's head being crushed will get her all hot and bothered.
HAHAHA. I can't wait for her to see Ellaria's screaming. I was actually watching the episode last night while doing some things around the home and it is just an incredible episode for all the reasons Stadler said. Plus, that awesome scene with Jaime and Tyrion and Tyrion's fantastic story. EDIT: Trying not to give spoilers for a several years old season, but it's hard this late in the game. Your fault if you haven't watched yet, person reading this :) :)
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(https://memegenerator.net/img/instances/80426360.jpg)
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Random questions for y'all...
If you have great chemistry with someone, but you are both on different paths for a little while (e.g., moving away for school), is it worth starting something new?
What do the men here think of dating a woman taller than you? I like it, but I've heard some people don't like it so much. Also seems most girls don't really like it.
What do you think of a swift dating-engagement-marriage process, like within the span of a year? I hear a whole range of advice for this one, and a whole range of success stories.
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Random questions for y'all...
If you have great chemistry with someone, but you are both on different paths for a little while (e.g., moving away for school), is it worth starting something new?
What do the men here think of dating a woman taller than you? I like it, but I've heard some people don't like it so much. Also seems most girls don't really like it.
What do you think of a swift dating-engagement-marriage process, like within the span of a year? I hear a whole range of advice for this one, and a whole range of success stories.
You got to do what works best for you. My opinions on these may not matter at all for your situation.
Personally, I'm getting too old for long distance relationships. If the chemistry was really great and we were already in a relationship but someone had to move, that may be worth considering but I wouldn't get my feet wet with someone if this was knowingly going to happen.
Personally, I don't think I'd really be attracted to a woman taller than me, however, if we had great chemistry, I'm sure I could overcome it and make it work.
Everyone is different, some people have that spark right away and make it it quick and are happy the rest of their lives together. I think one year from meeting to married is a bit quick, but that's just me. I've known plenty of people who made that work. It depends on your relationship.
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Random questions for y'all...
If you have great chemistry with someone, but you are both on different paths for a little while (e.g., moving away for school), is it worth starting something new?
What do the men here think of dating a woman taller than you? I like it, but I've heard some people don't like it so much. Also seems most girls don't really like it.
What do you think of a swift dating-engagement-marriage process, like within the span of a year? I hear a whole range of advice for this one, and a whole range of success stories.
I'm a fan of tall women. I'm 5'8" on a special day, and I dated a volleyball player in college who was 5'10", 5'11". But you nailed it: when I got divorced and stuck my toe back in the dating scene, the SINGLE biggest cutoff I encountered was height. Can't tell you how many dating profiles read: "Looking for sane, secure man who has grown out of the college scene, and knows how to treat a woman. Oh, and 6'0" or better."
As for the swiftness, depends on you and your age. You have to be honest with yourself. The loud chewing and uncapped toothpaste tube are no problem when you're still enamored with her boobies, but are you going to be that patient five years from now? Only you can tell that.
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(https://memegenerator.net/img/instances/80426360.jpg)
Mood: :heart
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(https://memegenerator.net/img/instances/80426360.jpg)
Mood: :heart
I assume that The Mountain wasn't the only guy who got a little handsy then?
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(https://memegenerator.net/img/instances/80426360.jpg)
Mood: :heart
I assume that The Mountain wasn't the only guy who got a little handsy then?
I was going to say "I assume that Martell wasn't the only person who took one in the eye then?" but your way is more classy.
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:lol
No, I took it easy. She came over around 6 and we just hit it off. We literally sat and talked and laughed about all kinds of things... for over five hours. Flew by. Then we watched that episode. She was checking out all my books and took photos of the lights (have I shared pics of my living room? Super chill) and was having a good time. It was the first date so I wasn't planning on trying anything. A little after midnight she went home. We hugged, I said we should do this again, and she said she'd likely be free Sunday. :)
Very, VERY cute, lovely smile and laugh. She's awesome.
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:lol
No, I took it easy. She came over around 6 and we just hit it off. We literally sat and talked and laughed about all kinds of things... for over five hours. Flew by. Then we watched that episode. She was checking out all my books and took photos of the lights (have I shared pics of my living room? Super chill) and was having a good time. It was the first date so I wasn't planning on trying anything. A little after midnight she went home. We hugged, I said we should do this again, and she said she'd likely be free Sunday. :)
Very, VERY cute, lovely smile and laugh. She's awesome.
(https://media1.tenor.com/images/c96592a15703ea628c94281d04a38d9b/tenor.gif?itemid=5961036)
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Mike, you played it perfectly. You made a connection right away. She will appreciate how you handled yourself.
It's so easy to hop in bed. It's better to get that connection first if you want more from this date.
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Yeah, big fan of that approach. Nicely done.
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Thanks guys. Yeah, I think it was the right way to go about it. And since I took a video yesterday to show my sister, here's my now-cozy living room (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNL1jLOIQcs). Mainly I just want to show off the lights lol. It used to be so cramped and horribly arranged, with a lot of ugly (uglier?) band posters on the walls that I ripped down, even the signed ones (end of an era, hoo boy). Go ahead and talk shit about the Rhapsody and Lord of the Rings stuff, she didn't seem to care :lol
EDIT: and just as I post that, she tells me one of her dogs is sick so nothing tonight. But soon, apparently. The game goes on :lol
EDIT 2: got invited to her place soon. Awwww buddies
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BOOM. Playing this perfectly. She showed me a movie she bought at the store last night, I told her she should bring it over sometime ha ha ha you know, then she just invited me over - once her dog is no longer sick. So, soon. I took a leap of faith and bought a Christmas gift for her in advance, again just to be safe. She likes Ghibli films - so I found these pairs of My Neighbor Totoro socks, and a Totoro music box, and under the gift options I used fitting quotes from the film. For the box, it's "You must have seen one of the spirits of the forest, and that means you're a very lucky girl. Merry Christmas :) From your neighbor Totoro" and the socks are "Do you like spirits, [name]? Even fuzzy ones? Merry Christmas! From your neighbor Totoro"
Nerdy, but fun, and not too grand a gift.
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BOOM. Playing this perfectly. She showed me a movie she bought at the store last night, I told her she should bring it over sometime ha ha ha you know, then she just invited me over - once her dog is no longer sick. So, soon. I took a leap of faith and bought a Christmas gift for her in advance, again just to be safe. She likes Ghibli films - so I found these pairs of My Neighbor Totoro socks, and a Totoro music box, and under the gift options I used fitting quotes from the film. For the box, it's "You must have seen one of the spirits of the forest, and that means you're a very lucky girl. Merry Christmas :) From your neighbor Totoro" and the socks are "Do you like spirits, [name]? Even fuzzy ones? Merry Christmas! From your neighbor Totoro"
Nerdy, but fun, and not too grand a gift.
Dibs on being best man!
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Oh please :lol
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Oh please :lol
Just hedging my bets. If, for some reason, this really goes the whole nine yards, I officially have....on record....dibs to be best man.
So Stads and your actual friends can all suck it.
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Mike, as your best man he's picking a vegan dinner.
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Mike, as your best man he's picking a vegan dinner.
And the stag party will be a group therapy session. :)
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Mike, as your best man he's picking a vegan dinner.
And the stag party will be a group therapy session. :)
No, It will be a Roast. Celebrity DTF'ers. :lol
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Mike, as your best man he's picking a vegan dinner.
And the stag party will be a group therapy session. :)
Long over due!
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Mike, as your best man he's picking a vegan dinner.
And the stag party will be a group therapy session. :)
Long over due!
Adami, you'll be gassed after listening to us. LOL
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Mike, as your best man he's picking a vegan dinner.
And the stag party will be a group therapy session. :)
No, It will be a Roast. Celebrity DTF'ers. :lol
I know this is all in jest, but this would be amazing to do anyway! We should organize it.
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Mike, as your best man he's picking a vegan dinner.
And the stag party will be a group therapy session. :)
No, It will be a Roast. Celebrity DTF'ers. :lol
I know this is all in jest, but this would be amazing to do anyway! We should organize it.
Sounds like a Zoom/Teams opportunity this holiday season!
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Mike, as your best man he's picking a vegan dinner.
And the stag party will be a group therapy session. :)
No, It will be a Roast. Celebrity DTF'ers. :lol
I know this is all in jest, but this would be amazing to do anyway! We should organize it.
Sounds like a Zoom/Teams opportunity this holiday season!
The official Holiday roast of Mike, aka Firewings, aka Kattelox, aka The Walrus, aka Tusks.....
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Mike, as your best man he's picking a vegan dinner.
And the stag party will be a group therapy session. :)
No, It will be a Roast. Celebrity DTF'ers. :lol
I know this is all in jest, but this would be amazing to do anyway! We should organize it.
Sounds like a Zoom/Teams opportunity this holiday season!
The official Holiday roast of Mike, aka Firewings, aka Kattelox, aka The Walrus, aka Tusks.....
:lol
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Things are going well. Girl digs me a lot. I was over at a friend's playing with the baby last night and apparently the mom sent her pictures of that lol so she came over and that was fun too. Inviting her over tonight. Forum activity is gonna drop, boys :lol
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What?! You can't Multitask? :lol
Besides, we have questions for her. Zoom call or we will spam the fuck out of you tonight. :lol
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I'm scared because I believe it!! :lol
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:lol
No man. Have a great time!
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Things are going well. Girl digs me a lot. I was over at a friend's playing with the baby last night and apparently the mom sent her pictures of that lol so she came over and that was fun too. Inviting her over tonight. Forum activity is gonna drop, boys :lol
Does "Playing with the baby" mean something? I can't follow the slang....
:) :) :) :) :)
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Things are going well. Girl digs me a lot. I was over at a friend's playing with the baby last night and apparently the mom sent her pictures of that lol so she came over and that was fun too. Inviting her over tonight. Forum activity is gonna drop, boys :lol
Does "Playing with the baby" mean something? I can't follow the slang....
:) :) :) :) :)
HAHAHA. I fucking love you :lol
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Another one slipped away, boys. Rip. She was a good one, too :'(
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Another one slipped away, boys. Rip. She was a good one, too :'(
:( :hug:
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<3
I never know what to do with rejection. Option A: reflect on what I can do to improve myself so someone like her wouldn't reject me in the future. Option B: conclude that something must be wrong with her because I'm just fine the way I am, and if she doesn't see that, then her standards are whack. It's hard to figure out which is the truth.
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Another one slipped away, boys. Rip. She was a good one, too :'(
Did....did you kill her??
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Little bit of both in my experience. Although I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with her, or anything wrong with you; you are just fine the way you are, and there's a lot that goes into two people making or breaking a connection, but reflecting on oneself is never a bad idea to do. Sometimes it's nothing you can explain. That's when I would just crack open a drink or smoke something. lol
@Adami: :lol
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[deleted] - changed my mind
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Sorry to hear, but Walrus is right. It doesn't need to be something wrong with you or her, but something just didn't work out. I guess if you know the exact reason you can think of how to improve upon what went wrong, but oftentimes, it's not something specific like that.
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I think it's just being honest in your evaluation. Sometimes I've been the cause of things ending, other times it was just that the chemistry wasn't there. The trick for you is to make sure you're looking at it as honestly as you can. If she's a recovering alcoholic and you spent the first date challenging her to drinking contests, you have to take some responsibility for that, you can't just chalk it up to "chemistry". By the same token, if there's just no spark, you can't really take that personally.
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All I'll say is that 2021 is officially the year of the cougar. Holy shit.
(https://i.imgur.com/FOc70Dc.gif)
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It has been five years since I've been on a date and nearly six years since I've had sex. I think I've completely forgotten how to meet someone. It was so much easier when I was younger. I remember a stretch in my 20s where I'd meet a new girl every couple of weeks. Now I'm 45 and...who fucking knows what.
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It has been five years since I've been on a date and nearly six years since I've had sex. I think I've completely forgotten how to meet someone. It was so much easier when I was younger. I remember a stretch in my 20s where I'd meet a new girl every couple of weeks. Now I'm 45 and...who fucking knows what.
Never say never, my friend. I'm rooting for you. Ain't nothing wrong with being out of the game for a while. Getting back on the horse is a little awkward though...
I met someone recently. That last girl I was involved with... fuck me, that was nothing more than practice for this. That had absolutely no spark between us, where I was pretending (desperately) that there was something there. But nope. Just met someone I've fallen absolutely head over heels in love for, and the feeling is mutual. I haven't felt this way in such a long time that it's almost scary if we weren't mature enough to know how to communicate properly and accept each other. I cannot remember the last time I was this happy and confident in myself. It is really something else to meet someone who is not only super cute but almost exactly on the same wavelength as you on so many things. Spent the weekend together. Girl cooked me meals and played bartender. Ffff. Life is good...
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All I'll say is that 2021 is officially the year of the walrus. Holy shit.
FTFY
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:rollin
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Idk if this is the appropriate place for this, but I genuinely don’t know where to talk about this. So my girlfriend is trying to build her career in film and television production. She’s been gaining momentum in, which is great, but her career is not one of steady jobs with steady hours. It’s a career where you go from one job to the next and the hours are insane, and it’s been taking her away from me. Every time I think I’m gonna have a chance to spend time with her, another job comes calling. We haven’t been intimate since Valentine’s Day because we don’t have the time or privacy for that. She works twelve hour days and by the time she’s done she’s exhausted, so we go days without saying more than two sentences to each other. I’m so afraid that she’s getting consumed by her career and that I’m losing her. I’m trying to build a future, our future, but it’s so hard to put work into a future that she’s barely going to be a part of. I love her so much and I don’t know how to tell her that her work is hurting this relationship. I don’t want to lose her, but it almost feels like our destiny is sealed. If I don’t talk to her, she’s gonna continue to jump into every job without taking a second to think, and it’s gonna pull her away from me. If I do say something, she’s gonna feel like I don’t support her and it may push her further from me anyway. I’m at a loss as to what I should do.
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Idk if this is the appropriate place for this, but I genuinely don’t know where to talk about this. So my girlfriend is trying to build her career in film and television production. She’s been gaining momentum in, which is great, but her career is not one of steady jobs with steady hours. It’s a career where you go from one job to the next and the hours are insane, and it’s been taking her away from me. Every time I think I’m gonna have a chance to spend time with her, another job comes calling. We haven’t been intimate since Valentine’s Day because we don’t have the time or privacy for that. She works twelve hour days and by the time she’s done she’s exhausted, so we go days without saying more than two sentences to each other. I’m so afraid that she’s getting consumed by her career and that I’m losing her. I’m trying to build a future, our future, but it’s so hard to put work into a future that she’s barely going to be a part of. I love her so much and I don’t know how to tell her that her work is hurting this relationship. I don’t want to lose her, but it almost feels like our destiny is sealed. If I don’t talk to her, she’s gonna continue to jump into every job without taking a second to think, and it’s gonna pull her away from me. If I do say something, she’s gonna feel like I don’t support her and it may push her further from me anyway. I’m at a loss as to what I should do.
I broke up with my ex fiance because her three jobs were more important than both me and even her own children. Mine didn't seem to care too much when I talked with her, but that would be a good first step if the situation is really bothering you. Hopefully she'll be receptive, but ultimately its better imo than keeping it bottled up and hurting the way your are.
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Idk if this is the appropriate place for this, but I genuinely don’t know where to talk about this. So my girlfriend is trying to build her career in film and television production. She’s been gaining momentum in, which is great, but her career is not one of steady jobs with steady hours. It’s a career where you go from one job to the next and the hours are insane, and it’s been taking her away from me. Every time I think I’m gonna have a chance to spend time with her, another job comes calling. We haven’t been intimate since Valentine’s Day because we don’t have the time or privacy for that. She works twelve hour days and by the time she’s done she’s exhausted, so we go days without saying more than two sentences to each other. I’m so afraid that she’s getting consumed by her career and that I’m losing her. I’m trying to build a future, our future, but it’s so hard to put work into a future that she’s barely going to be a part of. I love her so much and I don’t know how to tell her that her work is hurting this relationship. I don’t want to lose her, but it almost feels like our destiny is sealed. If I don’t talk to her, she’s gonna continue to jump into every job without taking a second to think, and it’s gonna pull her away from me. If I do say something, she’s gonna feel like I don’t support her and it may push her further from me anyway. I’m at a loss as to what I should do.
This one hurts. Was in a very similar situation. Girlfriend at the time took a random admissions counselor job because it was close to the house I bought, and then five years later she's the fucking director of admissions for the University. She grinded and busted her ass, but it ruined every facet of her life including our relationship. It became her life. Nothing else mattered. She lost all of her friends except for those at work, got a DUI and lost her license, etc. She'd work 120+ hour weeks for months straight, and if she did manage to get a few hours away from her work computer, she'd just sink into the couch and endlessly scroll on Instagram for a few hours.
It was incredibly sad to watch, and my house is still filled with a ton of her shit. We kept the relationship glued together for a little more than seven years, but we haven't spoken since a massive fight on Jan 2nd of this year. We're supposed to meet up tonight. Idk what's going to come of it. I'm about as broken as I can be right now, so it's probably not going to be pleasant.
I resent her for her success because of what she was willing to trade in exchange for it. It was more than just her time and effort. It was anything good and enjoyable in her life. It was 20% of my life and years of effort trying build a future together. I'm heartbroken over it, yet angrier at it than just about anything else in my life up to this point. Maybe I'm just lazy, but there's nothing in this world I love enough to want to dedicate my entire waking existence to, especially if it means sacrificing everything else in the process. I'm inclined to say it's time for you to leave, but I'm basing that entirely off my situation and am kind of just rambling at this point.
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Count, you really need to have that conversation. It might not be easy and you might get answers that you don't like, but I don't see any other option than to tell her how you feel. If in the end, she wants the career more than you, there's not really anything you can do to change that so it's best to just get the answers now than let it continue to muster inside you.
Chino, I'm sorry but I really think you need to cut ties with this girl. The on/off thing is way too emotionally stressful and won't ever work long term IMO. We're only getting older. That was my big regret with my x fiance, I let that thing go on way too long when it was clear we couldn't hold a healthy relationship together.
As for myself, I haven't had sex since September and haven't gone on a single date since breaking up with my x back then. I've hardly tried, but I changed my bumble pic a couple weeks ago and got a bunch of hits, including one girl I've been texting with a lot. Maybe, just maybe, I might be able to go on a date.
Also, I did a face time chat with another girl a couple weeks ago. I was pretty sure I wasn't too interested in this girl initially but when she offered I figured I could use the practice. Funny, I thought it went really well. 45 minute video conversation flew by and she was much more attractive than her pictures... sadly enough, afterwards she said she didn't want to continue :lol funny how the tables turned, but it's all good. That was much needed practice for when I want to actually pursue a female, which I kind of am doing with this girl I've been texting. She's much prettier than what I typically can get, she's super smart, owns a home, works hard... I just don't want to blow it from my current inexperience.
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Chino, I'm sorry but I really think you need to cut ties with this girl. The on/off thing is way too emotionally stressful and won't ever work long term IMO. We're only getting older. That was my big regret with my x fiance, I let that thing go on way too long when it was clear we couldn't hold a healthy relationship together.
Yeah, I know. I hear yah. I think about it all the time.
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Look, I don't want to sound like you guys' dad or anything, but it's really helpful to step out of your circumstance and try to look at it from a different perspective. I consider you - Chino - my friend so I mean this with love and compassion (though I would extend this advice to Count as well)... these women are making informed adult decisions. At some point you have to reconcile that they are doing this of their own volition. You can - and should - have the talk, put your feelings on the table; that's what happens in a healthy, productive relationship. But I would go in objectively as you can, with the possibility already accounted for that this is her willful choice.
You guys are describing my ex-wife. And we've been divorced now for eight+ years, we've both remarried, and she's STILL on a plane three times a month. She's still on conference calls at 8:00 at night. She's still at work events that extend into the evening. At first I thought it was her running from me, but it wasn't; she might still be "running", but it's herself she's running from and there's nothing I'm going to do to change that. Nor, apparently, is her new husband. Not to judge, or compare, but I think Marc is doing it the right way; organically, reasonably, putting himself out there without sliding all his chips into the center on each encounter. Just talk to people, interact. Be yourself; you all have a LOT to offer the right person, you just have to realize that "the next person" doesn't make them automatically "the right person".
Lecture over. Pics or it didn't happen! :) :) :)
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Look, I don't want to sound like you guys' dad or anything, but it's really helpful to step out of your circumstance and try to look at it from a different perspective. I consider you - Chino - my friend so I mean this with love and compassion (though I would extend this advice to Count as well)... these women are making informed adult decisions. At some point you have to reconcile that they are doing this of their own volition. You can - and should - have the talk, put your feelings on the table; that's what happens in a healthy, productive relationship. But I would go in objectively as you can, with the possibility already accounted for that this is her willful choice.
You guys are describing my ex-wife. And we've been divorced now for eight+ years, we've both remarried, and she's STILL on a plane three times a month. She's still on conference calls at 8:00 at night. She's still at work events that extend into the evening. At first I thought it was her running from me, but it wasn't; she might still be "running", but it's herself she's running from and there's nothing I'm going to do to change that. Nor, apparently, is her new husband. Not to judge, or compare, but I think Marc is doing it the right way; organically, reasonably, putting himself out there without sliding all his chips into the center on each encounter. Just talk to people, interact. Be yourself; you all have a LOT to offer the right person, you just have to realize that "the next person" doesn't make them automatically "the right person".
Lecture over. Pics or it didn't happen! :) :) :)
I'm entirely onboard with it being her decision. I don't think I at any time considered it her running away or avoiding me. Her and I will never see eye-to-eye on this topic. Just sucks is all.
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I spoke to her. It was a tough conversation but we both understand what we need from each other now. Thank you guys for the advice. I really do think this girl is the one so I tend to react very strongly when something isn’t quite right with her.
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I spoke to her. It was a tough conversation but we both understand what we need from each other now. Thank you guys for the advice. I really do think this girl is the one so I tend to react very strongly when something isn’t quite right with her.
That's great to hear. Try to keep that communication open too as time goes on.
The girl I'd been chatting with stopped responding to me yesterday after noon and I'm sitting here like :facepalm: I jinxed myself by talking about it here (as I hadn't told anyone I've been trying to date again) but then she surprisingly called me last night and we had a wonderful phone conversation where she even apologized for not being able to get back to me. Not sure what we are doing, but we scheduled a date for Saturday. I don't know how you date during these times, but I'm pretty excited to finally have an opportunity to meet a girl again. Now I need to scramble to get a hair cut :lol
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Went on my first date in a long time last weekend. Went out to a local brewery which was really nice. We chatted non stop for about 2.5 hours over 1 beer each. I texted her afterwards that it was nice to meet and I'd like to continue, but she friend zoned me. Honestly not surprised, even though our conversation was fluid and solid, some of the things we both talked about made me feel like we might be too opposites of each other and she rubbed off to me as a "career dater" as in someone who never had a serious relationship and seems to just want to date different people. So I will take the positives of a nice evening out with an attractive female and the experience points as my social game definitely took a dive during the last year of this pandemic. I honestly feel pretty good coming out of that date. It didn't work out, but I'm not wasting my time and got to actually have some social fun in public again.
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Awesome, man. I love your attitude (seriously).
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So Victoria officially moved out two weeks ago. She cleared my house of anything she wanted and left her set of keys. She left her cat too, so now I'm officially a cat dad.
I've been talking to/seeing a number of girls off of a few of the dating sites. A girl came over last night and stayed for a few hours. We had a fantastic time. She's a therapist who's in the process of opening her own practice. She's also divorced with no children, and she recently started a podcast about navigating the world of divorce as a woman, and she brings on other divorced women to talk about their shared experiences. I found the podcast this morning, and I'm really tempted to give it a listen. I admittedly listened to the 90 second "Let Me Introduce Myself" first episode, but I'm debating listening to the three real episodes that follow that one. What do you guys think? Is that creepy?
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Not really. She mentioned it and then you found it? I don't think it's creepy. I see it no different than going through someone's social media if they put it out there.
It's interesting, because I put my youtube in my bumble profile recently. Fuck it, I say. If someone is turned off, fine you weren't for me, but at least I got a view or two :lol But funny enough, not a single girl I've matched with (and even the couple I've gone on dates witH) have mentioned it though :lol
Having said that, I went on a date two weeks ago. It was nice, but nothing special. We both agreed on going on a 2nd date and then we both stopped texting :lol which worked well because I had started chatting with another girl who I was connecting with a lot more.
So I met the newer girl on Friday night and we had a nice two hour convo. She's super smart which I really find attractive and she's a nerd like myself. 3 dates in the last two months and I found a girl I actually like and kissed her after the date. We are working on arranging a second date to get some korean bbq.
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So Victoria officially moved out two weeks ago. She cleared my house of anything she wanted and left her set of keys. She left her cat too, so now I'm officially a cat dad.
Is it the evil one you posted in the mildly irritating thread with a dog, or is that another cat? Because if it's another cat, you've got to pay the cat tax and post a pic.
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Lol
I should start posting& reading this thread.
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Not really. She mentioned it and then you found it? I don't think it's creepy. I see it no different than going through someone's social media if they put it out there.
It's interesting, because I put my youtube in my bumble profile recently. Fuck it, I say. If someone is turned off, fine you weren't for me, but at least I got a view or two :lol But funny enough, not a single girl I've matched with (and even the couple I've gone on dates witH) have mentioned it though :lol
Having said that, I went on a date two weeks ago. It was nice, but nothing special. We both agreed on going on a 2nd date and then we both stopped texting :lol which worked well because I had started chatting with another girl who I was connecting with a lot more.
So I met the newer girl on Friday night and we had a nice two hour convo. She's super smart which I really find attractive and she's a nerd like myself. 3 dates in the last two months and I found a girl I actually like and kissed her after the date. We are working on arranging a second date to get some korean bbq.
I'm glad I'm not dating; I can't keep up with the lingo! :) :) :)
In all seriousness, good luck. I hope it works out. I like your approach to the Youtube; there's a limit of course (I think we all have to make SOME compromises in our relationships; you can't just go around farting and picking your nose and expect everyone to ignore it) but for something like that - and for me, it's being a Kiss fan - it is what it is. I'd rather not spend the next 20 years of my life listening to "why do you listen to that crap? When are you going to grow up?" nonsense. You don't have to like it yourself, but just tolerate that I do.
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So Victoria officially moved out two weeks ago. She cleared my house of anything she wanted and left her set of keys. She left her cat too, so now I'm officially a cat dad.
I've been talking to/seeing a number of girls off of a few of the dating sites. A girl came over last night and stayed for a few hours. We had a fantastic time. She's a therapist who's in the process of opening her own practice. She's also divorced with no children, and she recently started a podcast about navigating the world of divorce as a woman, and she brings on other divorced women to talk about their shared experiences. I found the podcast this morning, and I'm really tempted to give it a listen. I admittedly listened to the 90 second "Let Me Introduce Myself" first episode, but I'm debating listening to the three real episodes that follow that one. What do you guys think? Is that creepy?
If she's putting it out there, then I think it's okay to listen. It only gets creepy if you're not honest about it and start incorporating the things you learn from it without being upfront about it. That's just me, though.
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Not really. She mentioned it and then you found it? I don't think it's creepy. I see it no different than going through someone's social media if they put it out there.
It's interesting, because I put my youtube in my bumble profile recently. Fuck it, I say. If someone is turned off, fine you weren't for me, but at least I got a view or two :lol But funny enough, not a single girl I've matched with (and even the couple I've gone on dates witH) have mentioned it though :lol
Having said that, I went on a date two weeks ago. It was nice, but nothing special. We both agreed on going on a 2nd date and then we both stopped texting :lol which worked well because I had started chatting with another girl who I was connecting with a lot more.
So I met the newer girl on Friday night and we had a nice two hour convo. She's super smart which I really find attractive and she's a nerd like myself. 3 dates in the last two months and I found a girl I actually like and kissed her after the date. We are working on arranging a second date to get some korean bbq.
I'm glad I'm not dating; I can't keep up with the lingo! :) :) :)
In all seriousness, good luck. I hope it works out. I like your approach to the Youtube; there's a limit of course (I think we all have to make SOME compromises in our relationships; you can't just go around farting and picking your nose and expect everyone to ignore it) but for something like that - and for me, it's being a Kiss fan - it is what it is. I'd rather not spend the next 20 years of my life listening to "why do you listen to that crap? When are you going to grow up?" nonsense. You don't have to like it yourself, but just tolerate that I do.
I was chatting with a girl like a month ago, I told her I like to video game and she kind of made fun of me. Figured might as well just put that in the profile and avoid that situation.
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It has been five years since I've been on a date and nearly six years since I've had sex. I think I've completely forgotten how to meet someone. It was so much easier when I was younger. I remember a stretch in my 20s where I'd meet a new girl every couple of weeks. Now I'm 45 and...who fucking knows what.
I've been there before. I think it was from 2003 to 2009. No dating, no casual sex, no nothing. Honestly, the only thing I missed was the sex. Started dating again in 2009, had sex for 3 months then dumped her. Nothing but drama. Didn't meet the love of my life until around September 2011. We were together for 3 years and then she got sick. She was the best lover and friend, but even though we didn't have much sex for the next two years, it didn't matter because I loved her. She died unexpectedly in 2016 due a complication from the cancer she was trying to beat. Since then, I don't really know if I was meant to be with anyone. Had a couple gf's and in a relationship now, but it just isn't the same. Can't bring myself to fully commit like I did with my late gf. However, if you haven't met that one special person yet, you never know when or where it might happen.
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Damn dude, sorry to hear about your loss. Can't imagine losing a loved one.
In personal news, had a second date last night. Got some korean fried wings, which was banging and a nice hour or so with the date. We kissed after, actually we kissed after the first date, but that was more of a peck on the lips, yesterday was a bit more sensual and meaningful. Felt nice to have that real human contact against, first time since last September. I think we will be seeing each other again.
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Happy for you, man! Fingers crossed!
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I've been a bit of a slut lately. With Covid finally lifting, women are more willing than ever to get out and do stuff. This honestly might be the golden age of online dating. It's been like shooting fish in a barrel. It's actually kind of amazing how many girls are willing to go over your house after like nine messages exchanged (though one girl asked for a picture of my driver's license with certain info crossed out).
I have met one really cool girl though, and we hung out four times since last week. She's moving really fast, but I'm not looking to waste any time here, so I'm going to run with it.
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Hey, what two consenting adults do with their free time is up to them. Good for you (though I will remind you of the forum prime directive: "pics or it didn't happen". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
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I've noticed an uptick as well and many online profiles saying "Vaccinated" in them.
For myself, if a girl wanted to hang 4 times in a week that would be a red flag. The couple times I experienced that, the girls were a bit psycho and super attached which is very uncomfortable for me especially when I hardly know them. That's just me though, I also like to take things slow so if it works out for you, more power to you.
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Huh
I think I may have just joined this club
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I've been in this club forever. It keeps making me sad with every concert I go to and I'm thinking in every show, I'm the only single male guy in the room. Even seeing Metallica twice last weekend, you see people with their families or couples or groups of guys. The single life has its perks, but I question how long it can last for to still be enjoyable for me.
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I've been in the club since the end of the summer. Getting near my mid 30's its even more annoying since I'm ready to start a family and I'm not getting any younger.
Random questions though:
Say for instance it is 1990. There's no internet, no social media, no dating sites.
-Do you think we would be dating more often/having more success dating?
-Do you think technology has made the overall situation easier or harder?
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I've been in this club forever. It keeps making me sad with every concert I go to and I'm thinking in every show, I'm the only single male guy in the room. Even seeing Metallica twice last weekend, you see people with their families or couples or groups of guys. The single life has its perks, but I question how long it can last for to still be enjoyable for me.
As a married guy that goes to shows primarily alone, don't overstate that. Some shows seem to have more "families" than others - the more classic the band, it seems the more that happens - but in my experience, you're certainly NOT the only single guy in the audience.
Part of this club is "mental", keeping things in perspective, and I say that as someone that was a full-fledged member in the years following my divorce.
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It has been five years since I've been on a date and nearly six years since I've had sex. I think I've completely forgotten how to meet someone. It was so much easier when I was younger. I remember a stretch in my 20s where I'd meet a new girl every couple of weeks. Now I'm 45 and...who fucking knows what.
This one hurts. Was in a very similar situation. Girlfriend at the time took a random admissions counselor job because it was close to the house I bought, and then five years later she's the fucking director of admissions for the University. She grinded and busted her ass, but it ruined every facet of her life including our relationship. It became her life. Nothing else mattered. She lost all of her friends except for those at work, got a DUI and lost her license, etc. She'd work 120+ hour weeks for months straight, and if she did manage to get a few hours away from her work computer, she'd just sink into the couch and endlessly scroll on Instagram for a few hours.
It was incredibly sad to watch, and my house is still filled with a ton of her shit. We kept the relationship glued together for a little more than seven years, but we haven't spoken since a massive fight on Jan 2nd of this year. We're supposed to meet up tonight. Idk what's going to come of it. I'm about as broken as I can be right now, so it's probably not going to be pleasant.
I resent her for her success because of what she was willing to trade in exchange for it. It was more than just her time and effort. It was anything good and enjoyable in her life. It was 20% of my life and years of effort trying build a future together. I'm heartbroken over it, yet angrier at it than just about anything else in my life up to this point. Maybe I'm just lazy, but there's nothing in this world I love enough to want to dedicate my entire waking existence to, especially if it means sacrificing everything else in the process. I'm inclined to say it's time for you to leave, but I'm basing that entirely off my situation and am kind of just rambling at this point.
Shit, how time flies. I haven't been on DTF for a few years now, but I used to lurk around in this thread, and I remember like it was yesterday when Prog Snob relished in his latest conquest, even posting a picture of a tattooed (?) girl with the caption "This is what the snob snogged", or something to that effect. :lol
I also recall Chino being really happy and enthused with his increasingly serious relationship, talking about marriage and all the ways they complement each other.
These comments hit me hard just now and I'm really sorry to see these dramatic turn of events. Life is slowly passing us by and it might not turn out the way we hoped it would. I hope you guys will find your footing and wish you all the best.
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Sycsa, I don't really know you (though I've seen the name) but I have a saying around here: "Man plans, and God laughs." And these past couple years have seemingly beat us over the head with that idea.
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Sycsa, I don't really know you (though I've seen the name) but I have a saying around here: "Man plans, and God laughs." And these past couple years have seemingly beat us over the head with that idea.
Yeah, we have that in my native Hungarian as well, "Ember tervez, Isten végez" (Man plans, God executes, but it rhymes). Hey, at least Dream Theater is still around and releasing quality material on a regular basis, that's something. And they finally nailed the drum sound after a mere decade. :lol
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My bad. Wrong thread
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I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.
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I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.
That's how I felt when I ended things with the girl I dated for a good part of 2020. It was a shock to her, but because it was something in my mind for awhile it was such a huge relief and yet... I felt like a total asshole. I even told her that. SHe actually took it really well though, but still, took a bit to shake that feeling of being a douche. BUt really, you did the right thing. If it's not right, you need to end it as much as it hurts.
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That sucks Chino especially if they don't see it coming. If you're not feeling it though then it's the right call. I can relate to the shitty feeling but sticking around in a relationship you're not into is a worse feeling (I know from experience)
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Brian, thinking about you. I'm not in that position right now, thank goodness, but I do understand it; whether it's right or not for you (and I assume it was the right thing to do) there's always that notion of "hurting someone". But for me, a helpful way of looking at it is that there's pain either way; it's whether it's a one-and-done, sharp pain, like banging your elbow, or a long, protracted throbbing pain, as you're both in a relationship where not everyone is putting in the full measure. I think you're probably doing you both a favor; you can feel, you can deal, and you can move on.
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I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.
I once dumped my fiancé on Christmas.
That help?
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I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.
I once dumped my fiancé on Christmas.
That help?
Yes, but you're Jewish; that was just Tuesday, no?
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:lol
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I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.
I once dumped my fiancé on Christmas.
That help?
Yes, but you're Jewish; that was just Tuesday, no?
For me, but she was not Jewish. And she looooved Christmas.
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I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.
I once dumped my fiancé on Christmas.
That help?
Yes, but you're Jewish; that was just Tuesday, no?
For me, but she was not Jewish. And she looooved Christmas.
Oh wow. Animal.
;) :) :) :) :)
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Made my people proud.
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I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.
I'm sorry you feel conflicted but I think it is normal. I hope this isn't cutting too close but I have noticed in myself that suffering a big loss, as you have with your beloved cat, can really rock your world and sometimes that means rocking your relationships. And that doesn't mean that it is a bad thing. But loss and grief can precipitate other big changes in our lives. Maybe it is a part of clearing a path toward something better. I hope that is the case.
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I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.
I once dumped my fiancé on Christmas.
That help?
Yes, but you're Jewish; that was just Tuesday, no?
My college roommate once dumped his gf at Busch Gardens (theme park in Florida) while her parents were there, he did it there so that her parents could drive her home so he wouldn't have to. She was staying with him but her parents lived 4+ hours away.
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Well I wasn’t that bad!
We were living together in a condo I owned. I temporarily moved out and let her live there for free until she was able to find a place.
That’s gotta count for something, right?
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I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.
I'm sorry you feel conflicted but I think it is normal. I hope this isn't cutting too close but I have noticed in myself that suffering a big loss, as you have with your beloved cat, can really rock your world and sometimes that means rocking your relationships. And that doesn't mean that it is a bad thing. But loss and grief can precipitate other big changes in our lives. Maybe it is a part of clearing a path toward something better. I hope that is the case.
The cat was the straw that broke the camel's back tbh. I struggled to find a lot of happiness in that relationship. The girl was unbelievably kind, sweet, smart, responsible, debt free, level-headed, etc... We just didn't click often enough and had a hard time conversing about a lot of things. She had a really, really rough upbringing, and I attributed most of her shortcomings to that.
Anyway, when the cat died, she just wasn't there, and it bothered me. Her mother (woman who adopted her) passed away about 10 days before Christmas last year. On the day my cat died (2/7), I asked if she could come over. I was feeling terrible and wanted the company of my girlfriend. She couldn't come over because one of her mom's friend's was looking through some of her mom's arts and crafts totes that night. It pissed me off frankly. Seemed like an easy enough situation to just say "hey, can you come over another night this week. My BF's got an emergency and I need to head over there". Seeing my ex on that same day didn't help matters any.
It was definitely the right move though. I've been iffy about the relationship since we took our Christmas vacation, but was chalking up a lot of my discomfort on that trip to her mom just passing away. It's been a few days now, and I'm not really feeling like anything was lost. I feel like that's a terrible thing to say, but it's the truth. I'm doing just fine and any lingering sadness from this is 100% rooted in me being the reason for the pain she's in.
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Chino, I'm not really seeing a problem. I mean, I could articulate a "adoptive mom dying" versus "cat dying" difference, but the point is, if either party is not getting what they need or want from a relationship, then as painful as it may be, you have to move on. I thankfully don't have a ton of wreckage in my (romantic) past, but I do have one breakup like the one you're describing, and frankly, other than an occasional wistful memory (she was a HUGE Meatloaf fan, so I thought of her briefly when he died) I haven't looked back, and frankly, I don't feel like I have anything to apologize for, and neither do you.
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I feel a little guilty posting this here as I know this isn’t quite the same as what this thread is intended for, but there really isn’t another place to talk about this.
I’m in a happy relationship (for those who followed my other thread about my relationship and a rough spot that we hit that was 100% my fault, we worked our shit out). My girlfriend has a really cool job in television production, but unfortunately in a COVID ruled world this means that when it’s time for production on her show to resume, all employees must go into what’s called a bubble shoot which means staff can’t leave and can’t have guests come to their hotel rooms. She left for the next season of her show in Atlanta on Monday. It’s now Tuesday and the reality of her absence hit me like a train today. It’s a six week shoot, and truth be told I don’t know how I’m gonna handle it. I promised myself I would never fall into this trap in a relationship again after my brutal breakup with my high school sweetheart six years ago, but three years into my current relationship and all I want to do is be around her, so when she’s gone I really have a rough time.
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Can you guys find a way to spend time together when she's on the road? Maybe get a pair of Switch Lites and play games together or something a few nights a week? Even if it's just dicking around for the sake of hearing each other's voices, it can go a long way.
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Or maybe set a time in the evening for both of you to video chat? I've done that when traveling for work.
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All good suggestions; I've had to spend significant time apart from a loved one, to varying degrees of success. It takes work, but it is doable. Your communication skills have to be ON POINT. Discuss things over the phone and by video, regularly, so that if/when you get real face time it's not spent on "where the dog shit", or "why the Barclay's bill was so high this month". If one of you is looking for, ah, affection, and the other is in finance mode, it might start to build resentment.
And there's always this: we're 10 weeks into 2022, and it feels like the week before Christmas was two days ago. Time flies, tempus fugit.
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Yup. Just stay in communication. Routine is a bit monotonous and dull to me but you have to compromise and find something that works for both of you. My partner is a trucker so I regularly go 4, 6 weeks without seeing her, sometimes more. I'm the type of person who does great on his own without any communication though, so I handle that stuff very easily. Indulge in whatever hobbies you have so that when you do talk to her you haven't just been marinating in a sad funk the rest of the day. Like Stadler said, your communication has to be on point. Make her feel loved and missed and hopefully she does the same and all is well. :metal
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And there's always this: we're 10 weeks into 2022, and it feels like the week before Christmas was two days ago. Time flies, tempus fugit.
Ain't that the truth
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I did a Long Distance Relationship for 2 years. We made time to talk every evening (or morning, sometimes both). We'd watch shows together while on video chat, too. It was very hard, but we made it work. There were times when we both were tested, and I know I was guilty of emotional (if not physical) trangressions. But we got through it. Happily married going on 8 years now.
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It’s ironic because while I’m usually a hermit who much prefers being alone than around people, my girlfriend is the one exception, as I’ll always take time with her over time alone, and she’s the one person in my life who I’m unable to see for long stretches. We’ll be ok (this is her third bubble shoot since we started dating) but it still sucks.
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Do any of you guys meet people outside of online dating and if so where do you go?
Online dating is usually my go to but its been dry lately, and not being in school anymore surrounded by tons of people, I'm just trying to figure out some more IRL dating options.
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Do any of you guys meet people outside of online dating and if so where do you go?
Online dating is usually my go to but its been dry lately, and not being in school anymore surrounded by tons of people, I'm just trying to figure out some more IRL dating options.
Well, no since I met my current gf online. But I will add, maybe go to a concert? To my surprise, I was actually hit on last weekend at a show. I can't recall the last time a girl came up to me and started chatting and showing interest in me like that. I ended the convo fairly quick because it felt like she was aggressively trying to gain my attention (not like the other girl and guys I was chatting to prior which was very obviously friendly) but hey if someone can hit on me at a concert, maybe that's not a bad place to go (and see a show).
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Do any of you guys meet people outside of online dating and if so where do you go?
Online dating is usually my go to but its been dry lately, and not being in school anymore surrounded by tons of people, I'm just trying to figure out some more IRL dating options.
Online dating was never really my thing, but that’s also because the two and a half years that I was single I didn’t exactly have the highest opinion of myself, so I didn’t approach the dating scene with the most confidence. I was always extremely uncomfortable having a conversation with someone with the express intention of going out, and it showed in the way all of my DM conversations unfolded. My relationship with my girlfriend developed completely organically from meeting through mutual friends, becoming good friends ourselves, and then because of that friendship I was comfortable enough with her to let my guard down and actually be myself. And even though I had a crush on her from the moment I met her, I trusted her enough as a friend to not let that get in the way. With time (and a much needed, “normal” haircut on my end), she developed feelings as well, and after almost a year of friendship I mustered up the courage to ask her out on a date, something I had actually never done before in my life as I always let my anxiety get in the way. We’ve been together for almost three years now. It really boils down to what works best for someone. Some people approach dating with the ideal mindset for dating apps, while for others the best way to go about things is meeting people in person, and some people like myself take that a step further and need a strong friendship first. I will say with the world opening up more it’s getting easier again to go out and meet people in public, which wasn’t really a viable option for the past two years.
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Do any of you guys meet people outside of online dating and if so where do you go?
Online dating is usually my go to but its been dry lately, and not being in school anymore surrounded by tons of people, I'm just trying to figure out some more IRL dating options.
Online dating was never really my thing, but that’s also because the two and a half years that I was single I didn’t exactly have the highest opinion of myself, so I didn’t approach the dating scene with the most confidence. I was always extremely uncomfortable having a conversation with someone with the express intention of going out, and it showed in the way all of my DM conversations unfolded. My relationship with my girlfriend developed completely organically from meeting through mutual friends, becoming good friends ourselves, and then because of that friendship I was comfortable enough with her to let my guard down and actually be myself. And even though I had a crush on her from the moment I met her, I trusted her enough as a friend to not let that get in the way. With time (and a much needed, “normal” haircut on my end), she developed feelings as well, and after almost a year of friendship I mustered up the courage to ask her out on a date, something I had actually never done before in my life as I always let my anxiety get in the way. We’ve been together for almost three years now. It really boils down to what works best for someone. Some people approach dating with the ideal mindset for dating apps, while for others the best way to go about things is meeting people in person, and some people like myself take that a step further and need a strong friendship first. I will say with the world opening up more it’s getting easier again to go out and meet people in public, which wasn’t really a viable option for the past two years.
I think that is part of it. No expectations. I'm married, so there's no follow through, but I travel a fair amount for work, and I don't like hotel rooms at all; they give me anxiety (I'm working on that in therapy!). So I'll sit in the hotel lobby, or a bar (depending where I am) and just talk to people. About the weather, sports, politics (not usually), music, whatever, and you'd be surprised how that goes over. It's not easy for me; I'm an introvert in the sense that it takes energy to do that, but I think people sense when there's an agenda, versus when there's just... conversation for the sake of conversation. Especially in this post-COVID age where organic connection is so hard to come by. Granted, I wear my ring religiously, and I'm very upfront about that, but I also am at peace with the fact that I'm no Bradley Cooper, so there has to be something there.
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Do any of you guys meet people outside of online dating and if so where do you go?
Online dating is usually my go to but its been dry lately, and not being in school anymore surrounded by tons of people, I'm just trying to figure out some more IRL dating options.
Online dating was never really my thing, but that’s also because the two and a half years that I was single I didn’t exactly have the highest opinion of myself, so I didn’t approach the dating scene with the most confidence. I was always extremely uncomfortable having a conversation with someone with the express intention of going out, and it showed in the way all of my DM conversations unfolded. My relationship with my girlfriend developed completely organically from meeting through mutual friends, becoming good friends ourselves, and then because of that friendship I was comfortable enough with her to let my guard down and actually be myself. And even though I had a crush on her from the moment I met her, I trusted her enough as a friend to not let that get in the way. With time (and a much needed, “normal” haircut on my end), she developed feelings as well, and after almost a year of friendship I mustered up the courage to ask her out on a date, something I had actually never done before in my life as I always let my anxiety get in the way. We’ve been together for almost three years now. It really boils down to what works best for someone. Some people approach dating with the ideal mindset for dating apps, while for others the best way to go about things is meeting people in person, and some people like myself take that a step further and need a strong friendship first. I will say with the world opening up more it’s getting easier again to go out and meet people in public, which wasn’t really a viable option for the past two years.
I think that is part of it. No expectations. I'm married, so there's no follow through, but I travel a fair amount for work, and I don't like hotel rooms at all; they give me anxiety (I'm working on that in therapy!). So I'll sit in the hotel lobby, or a bar (depending where I am) and just talk to people. About the weather, sports, politics (not usually), music, whatever, and you'd be surprised how that goes over. It's not easy for me; I'm an introvert in the sense that it takes energy to do that, but I think people sense when there's an agenda, versus when there's just... conversation for the sake of conversation. Especially in this post-COVID age where organic connection is so hard to come by. Granted, I wear my ring religiously, and I'm very upfront about that, but I also am at peace with the fact that I'm no Bradley Cooper, so there has to be something there.
This is funny, because for me it was the exact opposite. I enjoyed knowing when a woman was interested in me to date and not just in a friendly way. I was absolutely horrible at letting my intentions be known when I met women I liked in real life, so for me the clarity of meeting online where the intention was to date was a relief.
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Do any of you guys meet people outside of online dating and if so where do you go?
Online dating is usually my go to but its been dry lately, and not being in school anymore surrounded by tons of people, I'm just trying to figure out some more IRL dating options.
Online dating was never really my thing, but that’s also because the two and a half years that I was single I didn’t exactly have the highest opinion of myself, so I didn’t approach the dating scene with the most confidence. I was always extremely uncomfortable having a conversation with someone with the express intention of going out, and it showed in the way all of my DM conversations unfolded. My relationship with my girlfriend developed completely organically from meeting through mutual friends, becoming good friends ourselves, and then because of that friendship I was comfortable enough with her to let my guard down and actually be myself. And even though I had a crush on her from the moment I met her, I trusted her enough as a friend to not let that get in the way. With time (and a much needed, “normal” haircut on my end), she developed feelings as well, and after almost a year of friendship I mustered up the courage to ask her out on a date, something I had actually never done before in my life as I always let my anxiety get in the way. We’ve been together for almost three years now. It really boils down to what works best for someone. Some people approach dating with the ideal mindset for dating apps, while for others the best way to go about things is meeting people in person, and some people like myself take that a step further and need a strong friendship first. I will say with the world opening up more it’s getting easier again to go out and meet people in public, which wasn’t really a viable option for the past two years.
I think that is part of it. No expectations. I'm married, so there's no follow through, but I travel a fair amount for work, and I don't like hotel rooms at all; they give me anxiety (I'm working on that in therapy!). So I'll sit in the hotel lobby, or a bar (depending where I am) and just talk to people. About the weather, sports, politics (not usually), music, whatever, and you'd be surprised how that goes over. It's not easy for me; I'm an introvert in the sense that it takes energy to do that, but I think people sense when there's an agenda, versus when there's just... conversation for the sake of conversation. Especially in this post-COVID age where organic connection is so hard to come by. Granted, I wear my ring religiously, and I'm very upfront about that, but I also am at peace with the fact that I'm no Bradley Cooper, so there has to be something there.
This is funny, because for me it was the exact opposite. I enjoyed knowing when a woman was interested in me to date and not just in a friendly way. I was absolutely horrible at letting my intentions be known when I met women I liked in real life, so for me the clarity of meeting online where the intention was to date was a relief.
No, I get that (I met my wife online). I'm talking about something more specific; once you've decided to pursue non-online means, what are the avenues.
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Nvm
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I've been out of school for a few years and that was my main spot for meeting partners. I get around 1 date a month from online dating, but nothing has solidified and I really would like to start a family.
Where do you guys meet people other than online dating? I'm really not into the bar scene.
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I've had the best luck online, Bumble primarily. I rate myself a 7/10 on my best day and had stupid amounts of enounters. Do you Reddit? There are some subs (r/Bumble, r/Tinder, etc..) that can help you out with your profile a ton.
Maybe it's the milenial in me, bit I find "in-person" prospecting to be terribly inefficient. Not saying it can work, it's just inefficient. I guess if you want to meet people in person, go to bars or whatever that match your vibe. Other than that, check FB or whatever for groups and clubs interested in hobbies or local entertainment you're into. Go to those events and try your luck
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I totally agree with you Chino. We're about the same age and I prefer online because you know the dealbreakers right up front. It is definitely much more efficient.
I do bumble as well, but have had the least success on that app, lol. I get around one like every 4 days or so on a good week. Maybe my profile is lacking. I'll check out reddit for tips. Thank though.
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Time to share something personal. I think I mentioned it elsewhere already but my wife and I decided to make a big move from the states to Europe to be closer to our kid that moved here. Unfortunately the stress and cultural adjustments needed ended up being a breaking point for our marriage, leading to a divorce.
Adjusting to life in a new country without the person I had spent years with has been challenging to say the least. It's been a while now and we're both still here, though my ex-wife has moved on and found someone new. As for me, I haven't really thought about dating since the divorce. It's been quite a journey of self-discovery.
I'm sharing this because, well, sometimes it's just nice to put your thoughts into words and send them out into the world, even if it's to a bunch of strangers on the internet. Thanks for reading!
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damn, that sounds really difficult. Any thoughts on moving back to the states? And thanks for sharing, it can help to not just write it out but to get some feedback. (I certainly used the shit out of this thread in my hard times)
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The thought of moving back has crossed my mind but I'm mostly happy here. Believe it or not a lot of things are better! Most of the time I am happy being alone but sometimes it itches you know. I don't think I wil need this thread a lot but thanks cram!
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What size city/town are you in? You speak the language? I'm not the right person to be giving advice on this as I'm a longtime, happy loaner, but it kind of seems like Europe might be a better place for your situation. Kind of seems like being single over there is far more tolerated. Nobody will give you shit about "when are you going to find somebody new," which happens an awful lot over here, and people will be just as easygoing if you actually are looking for somebody new.
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I think you are both right and wrong Barto, you would be right were it not that I'm in Scandinavia where social contact is hard even for locals :lol. I'm in a fairly big city so that's not an issue, language wise I'm still struggling but almost everyone speaks English very well luckily.
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I think you are both right and wrong Barto, you would be right were it not that I'm in Scandinavia where social contact is hard even for locals :lol. I'm in a fairly big city so that's not an issue, language wise I'm still struggling but almost everyone speaks English very well luckily.
How long since your divorce, if I may ask?
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I think you are both right and wrong Barto, you would be right were it not that I'm in Scandinavia where social contact is hard even for locals :lol. I'm in a fairly big city so that's not an issue, language wise I'm still struggling but almost everyone speaks English very well luckily.
How long since your divorce, if I may ask?
I don't mind, three years.
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I think you are both right and wrong Barto, you would be right were it not that I'm in Scandinavia where social contact is hard even for locals :lol. I'm in a fairly big city so that's not an issue, language wise I'm still struggling but almost everyone speaks English very well luckily.
At least you can enjoy the metal scene? I'm sure it's pretty popular in Scandinavia
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Time to share something personal. I think I mentioned it elsewhere already but my wife and I decided to make a big move from the states to Europe to be closer to our kid that moved here. Unfortunately the stress and cultural adjustments needed ended up being a breaking point for our marriage, leading to a divorce.
Adjusting to life in a new country without the person I had spent years with has been challenging to say the least. It's been a while now and we're both still here, though my ex-wife has moved on and found someone new. As for me, I haven't really thought about dating since the divorce. It's been quite a journey of self-discovery.
I'm sharing this because, well, sometimes it's just nice to put your thoughts into words and send them out into the world, even if it's to a bunch of strangers on the internet. Thanks for reading!
hey, thanks for opening up like this. it sounds like you've been through a lot with the move and the divorce. adjusting to a new country can be really tough, and it's even harder when it takes a toll on a relationship. i can imagine how challenging it must be to see your ex-wife move on while you're still finding your way. taking time for self-discovery sounds like a good move. don't rush into anything if you're not ready. sharing your thoughts here is a brave step, and even though we're strangers, we're here to listen. keep taking it one day at a time.
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Time to share something personal. I think I mentioned it elsewhere already but my wife and I decided to make a big move from the states to Europe to be closer to our kid that moved here. Unfortunately the stress and cultural adjustments needed ended up being a breaking point for our marriage, leading to a divorce.
Adjusting to life in a new country without the person I had spent years with has been challenging to say the least. It's been a while now and we're both still here, though my ex-wife has moved on and found someone new. As for me, I haven't really thought about dating since the divorce. It's been quite a journey of self-discovery.
I'm sharing this because, well, sometimes it's just nice to put your thoughts into words and send them out into the world, even if it's to a bunch of strangers on the internet. Thanks for reading!
hey, thanks for opening up like this. it sounds like you've been through a lot with the move and the divorce. adjusting to a new country can be really tough, and it's even harder when it takes a toll on a relationship. i can imagine how challenging it must be to see your ex-wife move on while you're still finding your way. taking time for self-discovery sounds like a good move. don't rush into anything if you're not ready. sharing your thoughts here is a brave step, and even though we're strangers, we're here to listen. keep taking it one day at a time.
I second all that; I think there's very little that at least some of us haven't been through in some form or fashion. Divorce was both the hardest and greatest thing I ever did, since it got me to where I am now, and as ugly as it was at some points, I don't know that there's much I would change (MAYBE done it sooner?). I can't IMAGINE having gone through it in a strange (to me) country.
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No divorce here because I ended the engagement before that could happen, but at 10 years in that relationship, it might as well been a divorce as I can relate to exactly what Stadler just said. Both the greatest and most difficult thing I have done in my life and it was 100% for the best, no regrets ending that.
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No divorce here because I ended the engagement before that could happen, but at 10 years in that relationship, it might as well been a divorce as I can relate to exactly what Stadler just said. Both the greatest and most difficult thing I have done in my life and it was 100% for the best, no regrets ending that.
Yeah–I walked away from an 8-year relationship 2 weeks before we were due to hit the alter.
When I look back on my life, I realize that it was the first 'really hard' decision I made. Of course, many more would follow, but I look back at that point as a pivotal fork in the road.
No regrets, but definitely wonder why I waited so long, especially considering how everything worked out.
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Time to share something personal. I think I mentioned it elsewhere already but my wife and I decided to make a big move from the states to Europe to be closer to our kid that moved here. Unfortunately the stress and cultural adjustments needed ended up being a breaking point for our marriage, leading to a divorce.
Adjusting to life in a new country without the person I had spent years with has been challenging to say the least. It's been a while now and we're both still here, though my ex-wife has moved on and found someone new. As for me, I haven't really thought about dating since the divorce. It's been quite a journey of self-discovery.
I'm sharing this because, well, sometimes it's just nice to put your thoughts into words and send them out into the world, even if it's to a bunch of strangers on the internet. Thanks for reading!
Crikey. What country are you in?
Had an 11 year relationship finish last year. We weren't married but she was my best friend. It was all amicable but we're sadly no longer really friends and see my avatar? Lost my best buddy in the split, too. Heart breaking, to be honest. I moved in here four months after we agreed to split and then two weeks later was told I was being made redundant, totally out of the blue, after 15 years.
But here I am a year and a lot of dating site rejection later, and I still know the split was the best thing for both of us. The last year has been tough with all the changes but I'm doing fine! And bloody hell, it's amazing to have a proper film room now, and also to not get wound up about the state of my partner's toothbrush (she never used to rinse it properly. It's obviously totally unimportant but we all know how silly stuff gets magnified!). Still miss her sometimes, though. Only natural. I hope she's well. But damn, losing my dog. That hurt and still hurts.
Went years without sex. Happy to be open about it. Was never obsessed by it so it was... sort of okay going without? Anyway, that's turned around recently although I don't know that I'd call her my partner. It's very early days. But we've had fun when we've met and I'm seeing her again on Friday.
Wish I'd noticed this thread months ago, to be honest. As you said above, PMSummer, it's good to just get thoughts out.
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No regrets, but definitely wonder why I waited so long, especially considering how everything worked out.
This is more of my regret in the end, waiting so long. But it taught me a valuable lesson about my time.
Lost my best buddy in the split, too. Heart breaking, to be honest. I moved in here four months after we agreed to split and then two weeks later was told I was being made redundant, totally out of the blue, after 15 years.
I hear ya, I lost my three cats. I really didn't want to part with 1 of them specifically, that I had a good bond with. It really sucked, but sadly this was part of our very messy break up. Something had to give and that was it on my end.
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Anyone else painfully lonely? And if so may we virtually cry on each others shoulders?
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Aww. I feel you.
The problem I had with loneliness is I'd tell people I knew and they'd say, "well, come over!", which was lovely but... it was not that kind of loneliness. It was the loneliness I felt sitting on the sofa and not having someone to talk to or touch, and no favourable probability of it happening any time soon. It's really hard to explain that to people who've been married for 20 or 30 years.
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Aww. I feel you.
The problem I had with loneliness is I'd tell people I knew and they'd say, "well, come over!", which was lovely but... it was not that kind of loneliness. It was the loneliness I felt sitting on the sofa and not having someone to talk to or touch, and no favourable probability of it happening any time soon. It's really hard to explain that to people who've been married for 20 or 30 years.
...who are sitting on the couch thinking "I hope she doesn't ask me a question!" or "I hope he doesn't try to grope my hand again!". I KID! I KID! (Do I?)
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The problem I had with loneliness is I'd tell people I knew and they'd say, "well, come over!", which was lovely but... it was not that kind of loneliness. It was the loneliness I felt sitting on the sofa and not having someone to talk to or touch, and no favourable probability of it happening any time soon. It's really hard to explain that to people who've been married for 20 or 30 years.
Been married 14 years, and I know it's not the same, but I get it, as much as I can. Sometimes I feel lonely, and I got a wife and two crazy kids at home. It's not about the number of bodies you got surrounding you. It's about how you connect with them. And if that connection is lacking, sometimes that can feel as lonely as actually being alone.