Hey DTF, I'm sick of having self-respect so I decided I'd search the internet for a potential suitor. I warn you that I'm very picky, but apparently this is the thread for picky people so it felt appropriate. If there is a single word on my list that you do not agree with, or if you feel that I'm mental in any way whatsoever, we are not a match.
So, without further ado...
First things first, you must be completely female. If you are a he-she, or a man with your willy tucked between your legs, I am not interested.
On that note, you must wear a strapless bra. I was abused by a strap as a child, so if you are thinking of bringing your devilish straps into my life you can take a hike.
If you like Dream Theater, that is good. However if you prefer Prophets of War to The Silent Man, there is no place for you within a five mile radius.
I am a devout agnostic, and have an intense, firm belief that I don't have a clue whether God exists or no. Christians, jews, atheists and muslims, you are not welcome. Buddhists are okay I guess.
You must have been abroad at least three times. I've only been abroad twice, so I would appreciate it if you could tell me anecdotes and encourage me to see more of the world. However if you've been abroad ten times or more, then that'll make me feel a little jealous, and I don't believe a relationship can work on that front. Sorry ladies.
I want your telephone number to start with the same five digits as mine, so we can tell people for years about what a massive coincidence it is. If they don't match then it's probably not destiny, but thanks for trying. When you PM me, you should tell me what the first five digits are - no cheating!
You must have a double barrel surname. They're mega cool.
I aim to get a divorce by 2034. If you think you're going to fall in love with me in a profound and incurable way that will blaze like a beautiful, undying star through the eons, you're far too clingy for me.
If you've got chinese/japanese symbols tattooed onto your body, please remove them before you email me. Mega lame.
That said I am morally opposed to laser-based removal, as lasers were invented by an American, so you will have to rip off the skin by hand. I'm sorry, but you should be willing to make that sacrifice.
George is not a good name for a baby. If you suggest calling our baby George, I will personally skewer you. On your own skewer.
All applicants must own at least one skewer.
Lastly but most importantly, I take a lot of "business trips," with my young, attractive, nubile "business associates." If this arouses any suspicion in your mind, we're definitely not compatible. I need to devote a lot of my time to my "work." Especially with twins.
Right, that's all the hard rules I can think of, cheers for reading! I've got a 14-page handbook of guidelines - which, if breached, will result in a flogging - but we can worry about that later!
Looking forwards to meeting you, my future Snugglebunnylovecakes!
(NB: All applicants must be "cool" with the term "Snugglebunnylovecakes." That's a dealbreaker right there.)