Skip this if you want, but this is the story of my EP.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4YCY36E1Io8GsMp4VcaPoH?si=4SDmWDERRKKJSeNN6aC3lA1. Megadeth - 13
2. The Mayfield Four - Shuddershell
3. Cael McLeish - If I Were Good Enough…
4. Ragdoll - Rust
5. Megadeth - Angry Again
6. Flying Colors - The Loss Inside
7. Tremonti - Giving Up
8. Foo Fighters - Walk
9. Halestorm - The Steeple
My EP is called Searching For A Purpose, because that’s kinda how I feel since this whole thing has gone down. This was a bitch to come up with as my original story was going to be about why my name on this Forum is Deadeye (which, if anyone cares, is because I have an eye condition called Keratocomus and I have had to have a corneal transplant, so I have part of an eye from a donor, so I honour them but rocked it up a little). There aren’t really songs to cover that topic though, then I almost went a fictional route, before I got really frustrated and ended up writing about my anger issues last year.
My opening 3 songs don’t directly deal with the storyline but are rather there to introduce a character, the character of Cael McLeish. In
13, I deal with the fact that i’m a musician and have been since the age of 13 and that it’s been a way to deal with a lot of my frustrations.
With
Shuddershell, I’m attempting to make the point that I can be socially awkward and not really know how to deal with my emotions properly, which can also be even more frustrating. I’d also like you to heed the lyrics of the third verse while delving deeper into this. “Don’t confuse this for confession, as a plea for sympathy. It’s just a window to a soul bound by all my insecurity”.
My original song,
If I Were Good Enough…, deals with a lot of how I view myself. While dealing most directly with my love life, this really stands applicable to most aspects. I am not now, nor do I believe myself to ever be, worthy of truly being loved by anyone bar my direct family but I will still be there to take in your load in my life. But if I were good enough, I’d still be the wrong choice.
The main story starts after this, and directly deals with a period between June 2021 and inky just beginning to resolve itself now. While I don’t and won’t get into the background details, just know there was a whole lot of real bad shit going on behind the scenes.
Ragdoll’s
Rust is where my monster starts to take hold. “Every day, there’s a new way to learn how to hate. Yourself, someone else, selling out your own fate. Look within, it’s a sin, do you like what you see? Showtime, cover your eyes, I can take it from here. I’m the one you’re waiting for, I’m the fear that won’t let go. Let me in, no one needs to know.” I found myself getting frustrated constantly, in a way that often boiled over into rage, but instead of my monster being the Hulk, mine was just me being an absolute asshole to everyone around me and pushing away those who tried to calm me down.
Angry Again is that monster. Eventually absolutely everything pissed me off, so I was always angry. I can’t express myself properly, so it’s just a spout of bullshit rage. “Enforce a mental overload, I’m angry again”.
Who wants to be friends with that? I was absolutely terrible as a person, repeatedly. So eventually everybody just vanished. Ties were being severed and I thought irrevocably. I was certainly feeling
The Loss Inside. I felt like I was getting sucked into a black hole that I myself had created. But I felt like I had really hit the absolute rock bottom. I knew I had to make a change. With
Giving Up, I’m dealing with every feeling that I had at the time. I was uninspired by the truth of who I was, I held every feeling of “I absolutely suck and I deserve it” in my heart until it absolutely killed me. It was time to make a change.
Walk is maybe an odd choice here, but this is me trying to talk about the experience of going to headspace and talking to a psych and really trying to better myself. If there was ever a song I wanted to put in that was banned, it would probably be Learning to Live by DT, because “kindness, beauty and truth” was something I reminded myself of every day. I realised how much I cared about everyone that I made it seem like I hated, I acted how much I wanted to make amends with those I had hurt. It felt like I was becoming a person again.
Ending off,
The Steeple is how I feel now. I’ve regained friendships, I’ve done my best to right as many wrongs as I possibly can. It’s stopped raining in my head and I finally feel like myself. The version of myself that I want to be. It was a long road out of hell, but I found a better life for myself. I definitely don’t feel the anger, at least not the way I did.
Topic: Puppies (Re)Discovery EP Roulette V.4 (The Final Art!) (Read 87727 times)
