Post a Pun or a Joke

[hefdaddy42]

Hef, you must dig that up. Lol

I'll see what I can do.

That was fun.  And a little embarassing.

Why do I get the feeling I contributed a good amount to it?

Because you are a man of great insight and perspicuity.

[jingle.boy]

My fave Chuck joke.... Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Also, Chuck Norris has counted to infinity .... twice.

Sperm 1:  "Wheee... how long until the ovaries?"
Sperm 2:  "Relax, we just passed the tonsils"

Ovary 1:  "Did you order any furniture?"
Ovary 2:  "No, why?"
Ovary 1:  "Because there are two nuts down there trying to shove an organ thru the door".

[XJDenton]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and grabs some punch for the two of them.

[Elite]

[hefdaddy42]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?


It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.

[jingle.boy]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?


It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.

[romdrums]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?


It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.

I thought it was because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

[kirksnosehair]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and grabs some punch for the two of them.

[kirksnosehair]

What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?

[XJDenton]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and grabs some punch for the two of them.

There was no punch line.

[kirksnosehair]

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a rum.........................................................and coke.”


The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”


The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.”

[kirksnosehair]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and grabs some punch for the two of them.

There was no punch line.

O I C K THX BAI 

[kirksnosehair]

Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It’s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.

[kirksnosehair]

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.


After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.


After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station. The mechanic looks up and says “Looks like you blew a seal.”


“No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”

[kirksnosehair]

If a kid won’t take a nap, is that “resisting a rest”?

[Lonk]

If a kid won’t take a nap, is that “resisting a rest”?

[kirksnosehair]

A king, wanting to host an elaborate wedding for his daughter, raised taxes on all citizens of the kingdom by thirty pieces of gold. Everybody paid, except for one young count.


The king sent a tax collector, but the count refused. “This is unfair, and I shall not pay!”


The king sent the sheriff, but the count refused. “I will not support the king’s new tax!”


Finally, the king had the count arrested, and thrown in the dungeon. He explained to the count that failure to pay was treason, and he would be executed, yet still, the count refused.


So, the king had him brought to the top of the tower, and neck on the block, with the executioner’s axe raised. The king asked the count to pay. He defiantly shouted, “Never!”


Then, as the executioner’s axe began to fall, the count shouted “OK! I’ll pay!”. But it was too late, the executioner couldn’t stop the heavy axe, and the count was killed.


The moral of this story?
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Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.

[Orbert]

There was no punch line.

They say that if you have to explain a joke, then it wasn't a good joke, but I for one am glad to have this explained to me, and I feel that I have benefitted from having a greater understanding of the joke overall.

[hefdaddy42]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A deer. The absence of eyes doesn’t change the species.

[XJDenton]

A woman asks her husband to go down the shops. She says to him "Can you pick up a gallon of milk and if they have eggs can you buy a dozen?" The husband nods in agreement and heads out.

The husband returns 30 minutes later with 13 gallons of milk.

[King Puppies and the Acid Guppies]

A woman asks her husband to go down the shops. She says to him "Can you pick up a gallon of milk and if they have eggs can you buy a dozen?" The husband nods in agreement and heads out.

The husband returns 30 minutes later with 13 gallons of milk.

Who knew buying milk was conditional on the store having eggs 

[Lonk]

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
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Just in case he got a hole in one.

[Kotowboy]

There was no punch line.

They say that if you have to explain a joke, then it wasn't a good joke, but I for one am glad to have this explained to me, and I feel that I have benefitted from having a greater understanding of the joke overall.

I didn't even think about that and just thought it was a shaggy dog story.

[hefdaddy42]

What has two legs, and is red all over?


Half a cat.

[Dublagent66]

What's red and sits in a corner?  A baby sucking on a razor blade.


What's green and sits in a corner?  Same baby 3 months later.

[King Postwhore]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

[kirksnosehair]

A guy walks into a bar....


The bar tender ask "what can I get you?"


The man's says "I'll have an entendre."


The bartender asks "would you like a single or a double?"


The man says "I think I'll have a double entendre."


The bartender says with a smirk "So you want the big one."


 

[kirksnosehair]

The man who invented the double entendre died last week.


His wife's taking it hard.

[kirksnosehair]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
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I'll let you know.

[pg1067]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
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I'll let you know.

Ten minutes too late.   

[kirksnosehair]

Yeah, I got ninja'd on that because I had to go to the bathroom before I clicked the reply button 

[kirksnosehair]

Student: "Can I go to the bathroom?"
Teacher: "It's 'may.'"
Student: "No, it's January."

[XJDenton]

By adding a colon to a sentence, you can significantly change its meaning. For example:

"Jenny ate her friend's sandwich."
"Jenny ate her friend's colon."

[kirksnosehair]

What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool?


Rock pay-for scissors.

[King Postwhore]

Yeah, I got ninja'd on that because I had to go to the bathroom before I clicked the reply button 

Hey, it's a great joke!