Author Topic: Post a Pun or a Joke  (Read 13005 times)

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Online soupytwist

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #35 on: June 28, 2021, 01:42:51 PM »
I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me – until I fell into a printing press

Offline hefdaddy42

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #36 on: June 29, 2021, 07:10:54 AM »
Why did the chicken cross the road?

It had been crossing so long it could not remember. As it stopped in the middle to look back, a car sped by, spinning it around. Disoriented, the chicken realized it could no longer tell which way it was going. It stands there still.
Hef is right on all things. Except for when I disagree with him. In which case he's probably still right.

Offline Dublagent66

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #37 on: June 29, 2021, 08:23:54 AM »
Why did the man cross the road?

His dick was stuck in a chicken.
"Two things are infinite; the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." -Albert Einstein
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Offline vtgrad

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #38 on: June 29, 2021, 10:24:16 AM »
What's the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?



A Methodist will speak to you in the liquor store.
"Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter; Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man."  Ecclesiastes 12:13

Now with Twitler taking a high end steak of this caliber and insulting the cow that died for it by having it well done just shows zero respect for the product, which falls right in line with the amount of respect he shows for pretty much everything else.- Lonestar

Offline hefdaddy42

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #39 on: June 29, 2021, 11:26:43 AM »
If the system has no place for you, and you’re forced to live on its fringes teetering between poverty and anarchy… you might be a redneck.
Hef is right on all things. Except for when I disagree with him. In which case he's probably still right.

Offline kirksnosehair

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #40 on: June 29, 2021, 12:06:35 PM »
How do you think the unthinkable?


With an itheberg!

Offline XJDenton

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #41 on: June 29, 2021, 12:10:35 PM »
"For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled." - Richard Feynman

Offline kirksnosehair

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #42 on: June 29, 2021, 12:13:04 PM »
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? 


A: No eye deer


==========================================


Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


A: Still no eye deer


==========================================


Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?


A: Still no fucking eye deer



Offline kirksnosehair

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Offline XJDenton

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #44 on: June 29, 2021, 12:17:27 PM »
I once bought a book called "1001 Jokes for computer programmers".

Turned out to be a bit of a rip off, as it only had 9 jokes.
"For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled." - Richard Feynman

Offline kirksnosehair

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #45 on: June 29, 2021, 12:21:42 PM »
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!

Offline Stadler

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #46 on: June 29, 2021, 12:23:19 PM »
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? 


A: No eye deer


==========================================


Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


A: Still no eye deer


==========================================


Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?


A: Still no fucking eye deer

Now THAT'S a joke.  Multilevel (the "still" pun took a couple of reads). 

Offline kirksnosehair

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #47 on: June 29, 2021, 12:24:49 PM »
Yeah, that one can be kind of tricky in writing, it works better verbally in person




Offline XJDenton

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #48 on: June 29, 2021, 12:30:50 PM »
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says, “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good."

And so the podiatrist says, “Moth, man, you sound troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “...‘cause the light was on.”
"For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled." - Richard Feynman

Offline kirksnosehair

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #49 on: June 29, 2021, 12:53:48 PM »
that was a heavy lift  :lol






 I have the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible.

Offline kirksnosehair

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #50 on: June 29, 2021, 12:55:00 PM »
What’s even better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson.

Offline kirksnosehair

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #51 on: June 29, 2021, 12:58:08 PM »
I have a Chuck Norris joke


If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ‘Two seconds till.’ After you ask, ‘Two seconds to what?’ he roundhouse kicks you in the face.


Offline Stadler

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #52 on: June 29, 2021, 01:07:43 PM »
Don't get me started; I love the Chuck Norris jokes.   

Chuck Norris doesn't get wet.  Wet gets Chuck Norris. 

Offline King Postwhore

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #53 on: June 29, 2021, 01:20:30 PM »
If only my name was Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart
So wait, we're spelling it wrong and king is spelling it right? What is going on here? :lol -- BlobVanDam
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Offline Orbert

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #54 on: June 29, 2021, 01:24:00 PM »
<snip>

Better Nate than lever.

Offline kirksnosehair

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #55 on: June 29, 2021, 01:24:58 PM »
Death once had a Near-Chuck-Norris experience

Offline XJDenton

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #56 on: June 29, 2021, 01:32:56 PM »
I could take Chuck Norris in a fight.
"For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled." - Richard Feynman

Offline Lonk

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #57 on: June 29, 2021, 02:02:36 PM »
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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Offline King Postwhore

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #58 on: June 29, 2021, 02:05:33 PM »
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart
So wait, we're spelling it wrong and king is spelling it right? What is going on here? :lol -- BlobVanDam
"Oh, I am definitely a jackass!" - TAC

Offline XJDenton

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #59 on: June 29, 2021, 02:08:23 PM »
he quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

This says otherwise.
"For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled." - Richard Feynman

Offline King Postwhore

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #60 on: June 29, 2021, 02:09:15 PM »
he quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

This says otherwise.

 :lol

Under redundant, see redundant.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart
So wait, we're spelling it wrong and king is spelling it right? What is going on here? :lol -- BlobVanDam
"Oh, I am definitely a jackass!" - TAC

Offline XJDenton

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #61 on: June 29, 2021, 02:12:41 PM »
There's a saying in the USA: Possessio is nine tenths of the word.
"For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled." - Richard Feynman

Offline hefdaddy42

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #62 on: June 29, 2021, 02:17:55 PM »
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris has a diary.  It is called The Guinness Book of World Records.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands.  They are now referred to as simply The Islands.
Hef is right on all things. Except for when I disagree with him. In which case he's probably still right.

Offline King Postwhore

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #63 on: June 29, 2021, 02:19:16 PM »
There's a saying in the USA: Possessio is nine tenths of the word.

I ee what you did ther.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart
So wait, we're spelling it wrong and king is spelling it right? What is going on here? :lol -- BlobVanDam
"Oh, I am definitely a jackass!" - TAC

Offline Stadler

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #64 on: June 29, 2021, 02:34:31 PM »
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris has a diary.  It is called The Guinness Book of World Records.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands.  They are now referred to as simply The Islands.

Three winners.  :)

Offline hefdaddy42

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #65 on: June 29, 2021, 02:48:07 PM »
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris has a diary.  It is called The Guinness Book of World Records.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands.  They are now referred to as simply The Islands.

Three winners.  :)
:biggrin:

One of these days I will have to dig the hefdaddy facts back out (I shit you not).




Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

There once was a street called Chuck Norris, but the name was changed for public safety because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Hef is right on all things. Except for when I disagree with him. In which case he's probably still right.

Offline King Postwhore

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #66 on: June 29, 2021, 03:06:24 PM »
Hef, you must dig that up. Lol
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart
So wait, we're spelling it wrong and king is spelling it right? What is going on here? :lol -- BlobVanDam
"Oh, I am definitely a jackass!" - TAC

Offline hefdaddy42

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #67 on: June 29, 2021, 03:07:52 PM »
Hef, you must dig that up. Lol
I'll see what I can do.

That was fun.  And a little embarassing.
Hef is right on all things. Except for when I disagree with him. In which case he's probably still right.

Offline Adami

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #68 on: June 29, 2021, 03:08:46 PM »
Hef, you must dig that up. Lol
I'll see what I can do.

That was fun.  And a little embarassing.

Why do I get the feeling I contributed a good amount to it?
fanticide.bandcamp.com

Offline Lonk

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Re: Post a Pun or a Joke
« Reply #69 on: June 30, 2021, 06:42:36 AM »
Vmadera has evolved into Lonk