Official Poetry Thread

[icysk8r]

My destiny
to die for the rest of them
why was it me who was chosen
to fulfil this sacred task?

It must be done
someone has to do it
but I was chosen
the martyr

Die for the rights of others
my brothers and sisters alike
and sacrifice myself
for their so called sins

My life wasted
never had a chance
why me?

So I leave you this note
for some day I won't be here
as I cry at this final thought

I am not a prophet
I am not a god
I am not asking to be worshipped
I just want to be understand

The world will understood
some day
and I will teach them
as I stand up
and take the bullet

I'm not a god
just a normal man
with unfortunate circumstances

[Super Dude]

im jesus lol

[icysk8r]

im jesus lol

it's actually funny because I am making a myspace, and this poem is in the background.  The dimensions for the background are 1000 by 666.
 

[Super Dude]

[icysk8r]

SuperJew. 

[Super Dude]

Tell me which version you like best of this poem:

Drunk Dial Night

Version 1:

You may have been drunk,
But they were the nicest words anyone has said
To me.

Version 2:

Nights like this make me a bit anxious,
But only because I know better than anyone
That time flies.  Things could change in an instant.

You may have been drunk,
But they were the nicest words anyone has said
To me.

Version 3:

Nights like this make me a bit anxious,
But only because I know better than anyone
That time flies.  Things could change in an instant.

A perfect night yesterday, tomorrow might turn into
The worst memory of your life!
You might mess it up tomorrow,
And you didn’t really appreciate what happened
Until it was all gone anyway.

You may have been drunk,
But they were the nicest words anyone has said
To me.

[Phantasmatron]

Version 3.  Easily.  It gives me more information than the other two.  Although Version 1 is my second favorite just for its abruptness and simplicity.

[Super Dude]

That's the thing; I can't decide if it's better to make this one into a concise statement or a strung-out narrative.

[Dark Master Of Sin]

The serenity of divinity,
Is the path best left up high,
For the path that we follow,
Is not always the best for mankind,
For the forsaken,
The fallen,
And the devils minions,
The pathway of sin and flesh,
Is the one that we live,
As angels with clipped wings,
Ponder suicide,
It is time to decide,
Shall I live?
Or shall I die?
For the sky is but a dream,
As one of those,
Who cannot fly,
Thou are not aryl,
But yet,
I bid you good bye,
For night has not yet fallen,
On mans darkest hour,
So those who can fly,
Get one last try,
Death in beauty,
Surrounds us all,
But maybe only I,
Hear the call,
And while the devil yells,
God shall whisper,
"Damn them all".

I know the last poem wasn't that good, I tried too hard. This one hit me out of nowhere. Enjoy.

[Failtality]

Kyle, I have 3 words for you (I didn't pick words yet)
 
I
FUCKING
CAME

Holy shit, it was 3.

[Super Dude]

 

[Phantasmatron]

To be honest, during most of that I was like, "meh, this is okay."

And then I hit the last few lines and a chill went down my spine.  Very nice ending. 

Although it's kind of annoying that upwards of 90% of the lines end with a comma.

[Super Dude]

Cock-A-Doodle Rex

Hey chicken
Tyrannosaurus Rex descendant,
You've come a long way down
From that creature resplendent.
The thunder of your footfalls
Once ruled the Earth.
Now here you have fallen
To an object of mirth.
You squawk for a handout
And scratch in the dregs.
And you cannot stop humans
From devouring your eggs.
Your ancestor would have rent
Them limb from limb
If they had lived
In the same millenium.
Preen your plumage chicken,
And dream if you can
Of your days of glory
Days of dominion.
While stripped to the bone
In museums, stands Sue
Whose terrible beauty
Has devolved into you.

Wow, I never read this before, but it's really, really good.  Tongue-in-cheek and yet insightful.  Great job, m8!

[Dark Master Of Sin]

To be honest, during most of that I was like, "meh, this is okay."

And then I hit the last few lines and a chill went down my spine.  Very nice ending. 

Although it's kind of annoying that upwards of 90% of the lines end with a comma.

I know. I'm amazing with words, horrible with my editing. I have my friends edit them normally. Joel (Failtality) tends to help me out a bit.

[Ben_Jamin]

The serenity of divinity,
Is the path best left up high,
For the path that we follow,
Is not always the best for mankind,
For the forsaken,
The fallen,
And the devils minions,
The pathway of sin and flesh,
Is the one that we live,
As angels with clipped wings,
Ponder suicide,
It is time to decide,
Shall I live?
Or shall I die?
For the sky is but a dream,
As one of those,
Who cannot fly,
Thou are not aryl,
But yet,
I bid you good bye,
For night has not yet fallen,
On mans darkest hour,
So those who can fly,
Get one last try,
Death in beauty,
Surrounds us all,
But maybe only I,
Hear the call,
And while the devil yells,
God shall whisper,
"Damn them all".

I know the last poem wasn't that good, I tried too hard. This one hit me out of nowhere. Enjoy.

That was actually pretty cool. It would add more punch if you broke em up into stanzas. 

[Dark Master Of Sin]

The serenity of divinity,
Is the path best left up high,
For the path that we follow,
Is not always the best for mankind,
For the forsaken,
The fallen,
And the devils minions,
The pathway of sin and flesh,
Is the one that we live,
As angels with clipped wings,
Ponder suicide,
It is time to decide,
Shall I live?
Or shall I die?
For the sky is but a dream,
As one of those,
Who cannot fly,
Thou are not aryl,
But yet,
I bid you good bye,
For night has not yet fallen,
On mans darkest hour,
So those who can fly,
Get one last try,
Death in beauty,
Surrounds us all,
But maybe only I,
Hear the call,
And while the devil yells,
God shall whisper,
"Damn them all".

I know the last poem wasn't that good, I tried too hard. This one hit me out of nowhere. Enjoy.

That was actually pretty cool. It would add more punch if you broke em up into stanzas. 

I know, I need to start writing how I think it. I just write it down and figure i'll edit it later. Then when I edit I get frustrated.

[Ben_Jamin]

The serenity of divinity,
Is the path best left up high,
For the path that we follow,
Is not always the best for mankind,
For the forsaken,
The fallen,
And the devils minions,
The pathway of sin and flesh,
Is the one that we live,
As angels with clipped wings,
Ponder suicide,
It is time to decide,
Shall I live?
Or shall I die?
For the sky is but a dream,
As one of those,
Who cannot fly,
Thou are not aryl,
But yet,
I bid you good bye,
For night has not yet fallen,
On mans darkest hour,
So those who can fly,
Get one last try,
Death in beauty,
Surrounds us all,
But maybe only I,
Hear the call,
And while the devil yells,
God shall whisper,
"Damn them all".

I know the last poem wasn't that good, I tried too hard. This one hit me out of nowhere. Enjoy.

That was actually pretty cool. It would add more punch if you broke em up into stanzas. 

I know, I need to start writing how I think it. I just write it down and figure i'll edit it later. Then when I edit I get frustrated.

I get the same way. Sometimes i'll just edit as much as I can.

[Dark Master Of Sin]

The serenity of divinity,
Is the path best left up high,
For the path that we follow,
Is not always the best for mankind,
For the forsaken,
The fallen,
And the devils minions,
The pathway of sin and flesh,
Is the one that we live,
As angels with clipped wings,
Ponder suicide,
It is time to decide,
Shall I live?
Or shall I die?
For the sky is but a dream,
As one of those,
Who cannot fly,
Thou are not aryl,
But yet,
I bid you good bye,
For night has not yet fallen,
On mans darkest hour,
So those who can fly,
Get one last try,
Death in beauty,
Surrounds us all,
But maybe only I,
Hear the call,
And while the devil yells,
God shall whisper,
"Damn them all".

I know the last poem wasn't that good, I tried too hard. This one hit me out of nowhere. Enjoy.

That was actually pretty cool. It would add more punch if you broke em up into stanzas. 

I know, I need to start writing how I think it. I just write it down and figure i'll edit it later. Then when I edit I get frustrated.

I get the same way. Sometimes i'll just edit as much as I can.

I made a "final copy" to submit to my english teacher, but that doesn't mean i'm not going to edit it again and again. haha

[Super Dude]

A great writer's work is never done, even when it's been published.

[Dark Master Of Sin]

A great writer's work is never done, even when it's been published.

So you should be: a writer's work is never finished, even after publication.

[Super Dude]

My bad...

[Ben_Jamin]

Unknown thoughts traversing in the wild
contorted images, distorted voices
singing songs of a distant time
where the future generations dance
along the lines of sanity.

Little do we know what lies beyond our existence

Will we soar across space in hyperdrive
arriving in a far away galaxy
seeing the mirage of colors swaying
In a parallel planet.

a dream style represents a different physique
of planetary alignments converting the fallen
for once we shall be at peace.

[Dark Master Of Sin]

The only thing left is the fall of mankind,
Nothing sounds quite as sweet or divine,
Our once screaming world,
Will make not a sound,
It will become where only whispers are found,

Our race is the face of disgrace,
Bringing forth only toil and tears,
Maybe, once the end is near,
Man will finally learn fear,
Fear for what they used to hold dear,

The shame of mankind,
Is the fame once held up high,
And shall be caried until they die,
So as they look to the sky,
The finally realize how to say good-bye.

New poem, tell me what you think.

[Ben_Jamin]

that is pretty amazing, love the rhythm of it, and it begins and ends strong.

[Dark Master Of Sin]

Thank you, thank you. I get a lot of anal poets telling me I have horrible structure (not on here). I've posted on creative sites and what not, and they all tell me I have horrible structure. 

To them I say, "I'm trying to be creative, not conform to you guys"

[sonatafanica]

I never post poetry or anything, and I only ever write lyrics after I've written music. But here goes.


It creeps under the door
But it's just a thought so it passes
It comes back and seems to roar
So I sigh and I see it no more

If it's just a thought, why does it grow teeth
If it's just a dream, does it whisper my future
If it's so deep, why nothing beneath
And if it can't harm, then why does it have teeth

I'm not afraid and I'm not here right now
And it will only enter if I allow
So I sigh once again and green light fills the space
And the spatial awareness of moments of grace

And try as doubt might
It goes away with the close of a curtain
A comforting thought comes with the light
It passes to stay and come to hand
"Everything is right and nothing is certain."

[Hyperplex]

This is old and as yet unfinished. Maybe someday I'll continue it. (I also think I may have posted it before but can't be arsed to search.)

Traveling under the gaze of Orion
treading on ground unbroken.
Following paths carved by time
seeking answers to questions unasked.

The path disappears into the rocks
and the rocks climb to the hills.
Chasms plunge into nothingness
and the darkness feasts on the light.

Invisible rain washes softly
glass skin cracks with tempered stress
Forcefield stutters in silence
and still time folds, huddled in mediocrity

Empty eyes, a vacant stare
cast like so many grains of sand
over ground untread by seasoned soles
Inflammation breeds in every corner

A statue made of sand lost a grain
and collapsed to the wind
How swiftly it vanished
so violent, yet without a sound

Bridging a melancholic gap
a reflection fixates
turns to face the eyes
and shows naught but a shadow

[Super Dude]

This is old and as yet unfinished. Maybe someday I'll continue it. (I also think I may have posted it before but can't be arsed to search.)

Traveling under the gaze of Orion
treading on ground unbroken.
Following paths carved by time
seeking answers to questions unasked.

The path disappears into the rocks
and the rocks climb to the hills.
Chasms plunge into nothingness
and the darkness feasts on the light.

Invisible rain washes softly
glass skin cracks with tempered stress
Forcefield stutters in silence
and still time folds, huddled in mediocrity

Empty eyes, a vacant stare
cast like so many grains of sand
over ground untread by seasoned soles
Inflammation breeds in every corner

A statue made of sand lost a grain
and collapsed to the wind
How swiftly it vanished
so violent, yet without a sound

Bridging a melancholic gap
a reflection fixates
turns to face the eyes
and shows naught but a shadow

Your imagery is like ambrosia.

[Hyperplex]

Thank you.

[ogrejedi]

Good to see some poetry by you, Hyperplex. There are some really good images in there and in general I like the poem, but I have some criticisms I hope you'll take as just that, rather than as anything personal.

In the first stanza (we'll call it S1): you generally can't evoke as much imagery with an "-ing" verb as you can with a normal present tense verb, and I also think this stanza would be stronger if we had some idea who was travelling. Here's a possible re-working:

We travel under the gaze of Orion
and tread on ground unbroken,
following paths carved by time,
seeking answers to questions unasked.

I left the "-ing" in the last two lines because I felt it added variety.

S2 is really strong; I love the images, especially "the darkness feasts on the light."

S3 reads kind of awkwardly with the way you position the words; I think it would sound better rearranged like this:

Invisible rain softly washes
glass skin cracks with tempered stress.
Forcefield stutters in silence
and time still folds, huddled in mediocrity

I also question whether "huddled in mediocrity" is effective. The general rule of poetry is to avoid abstractions like the plague; "mediocrity" can conjure many images in people's heads, and it's always better to evoke something specific.

The first line of S4 has some worn-out images: "empty eyes," "a vacant stare"--I don't really get much from these phrases because I've heard them too many times before. But the next two lines are absolutely excellent and probably my favorite part of the poem.

S5 is good but the second two lines could be improved with more effective imagery.

The final stanza is pretty good, but I wonder why you're using the word "naught." It's the year 2010 and no one uses that word anymore; I know it sounds "poetic" because it's the type of word used in old poetry, but back then it was a word people actually said. I doubt any contemporary published poets are using it.

Anyway, I hope that helps.

[Dark Master Of Sin]

ogrojedi, I would greatly appreciate if you helped me on structure. Structure is my largest problem, words, not an issue, but how I put them together...it always gets me.

[ogrejedi]

ogrojedi, I would greatly appreciate if you helped me on structure. Structure is my largest problem, words, not an issue, but how I put them together...it always gets me.

I'd be glad to help any way I can. Add me on MSN; my address there should be in my profile.

[ogrejedi]

Something I've been fiddling with...

Three Self-Portraits

1
A Mynah sits perched on a sign reading:
"Bird slightly
hard of hearing."

2
A rectangle etched on paper
dreams of rounded edges.

3
A golem made of old parchment
asks a stranger on the street
if he knows why it is journeying.

[Hyperplex]

Thanks for the criticisms. That poem has laid untouched for several years and I haven't been writing much of anything lately. Perhaps if I ever get the spark for it again I will revisit it.

[sonatafanica]

I wrote this with the character in mind as a 65 year old man.




He frowns slightly at the wall from his seat
Fixes his jacket and lights a cigar
Normally this might be rude
But he's the only one here
Apart from the waitress who weighs the situation
Blinks and checks the time

His glass is full, but he'll order another anyway
He leans back and to the right
Because the dancer just came back out
She's not very pretty
But that's not why he's here

The bread plate will do for an ashtray
And this girl will do for the job
He rubs his right eye and looks surprised
Then focuses on the dancer's sway and motion
And for a moment he forgets himself
And forgets why
But it was always this way

He is restless
But he has taught himself to wait
He winks at the girl and she smiles
As he lifts his glass to her
And sips with firm resolve
And his eyes are lost in the stage as he smiles himself
And his body heaves with a chuckle
Like he just remembered something funny

He leans forward and adjusts himself
Then leans right back and the smile fades
His eyes are still lost in the stage
And he's not really looking at anything at all
His eyebrows furrow slightly
And his eyes just look and stare
And he just stays that way

And it's okay
He knows