Wedding gift question

[Phoenix87x]

So here goes a random question, but I don't go to a lot of weddings, lol

Going to a wedding soon of someone who I look at more like a sibling than an uncle. We were insanely close when I was a kid, but have grown apart a lot in the past few years. How much would money would you put in the card?

I was thinking somewhere between $250 and $500, but I really have no idea. Thoughts?

[Cool Chris]

So... it is an uncle, whom you were close with, but not as much over the last few years. How do you define "grown apart?"

$250 seems like a lot for someone who you are not close to, but you might be defining it differently than I would. I would also consider your financial situation. $250 is a lot to some, pocket change to others.

There is no real right answer. Spend what you are comfortable with.

[King Postwhore]

$200 to $250.  Not $500.

[TAC]

$200 to $250.  Not $500.

That much??

I guess the days of $100 is over.

[Podaar]

Honestly, a crisp $100 bill is usually plenty regardless of your relationship. I've made the mistake of giving too much cash for a wedding. Strangely, there's a potential to embarrass the recipient. Who knew?

Edit: Ninja'd by TAC

[El Barto]

I don't know anything about this sort of thing, thank the gods, so I have to ask: are the cards revealed in front of everybody? Because that would be a real dick move in my book. Frankly, I'd want the whole thing to be as anonymous as possible. I don't even want to know who gave me $500 and who gave me a 50¢ Off Shake N Bake coupon. And I damn sure don't want the whole thing open to the judgment of others.

Also, is cash in lieu of gifts? I certainly understand the idea of helping people begin a new life together (even though they've probably been shacking up for many years), but I'm thinking it's one or the other. If it's some sort of bullshit like gifts for the home and cash for the honeymoon, I'm speaking my damn peace during the ceremony.

[Phoenix87x]

Feeling a lot better about going in the $250 range. Thanks guys

So... it is an uncle, whom you were close with, but not as much over the last few years. How do you define "grown apart?"

He moved to a different state like 5 hours away 10 years ago, so distance just pushed us apart.

Also, is cash in lieu of gifts? I certainly understand the idea of helping people begin a new life together (even though they've probably been shacking up for many years), but I'm thinking it's one or the other. If it's some sort of bullshit like gifts for the home and cash for the honeymoon, I'm speaking my damn peace during the ceremony.

Cash is a must. The girl he is marrying has 5 kids and they aren't in the best situation financially. So part of the thought process with the higher cash number was trying to help them out.

[T-ski]

just don't be that guy that came to our wedding, ate a free meal, drank the free drinks and gave us a card with nothing in it other than his signature, which was upside down.

[ReaperKK]

$200 to $250.  Not $500.

This, I think the rule of thumb I've heard is that you're gift should cover the cost of the dinner.

[Cool Chris]

Wedding gifts are never opened in front of everybody, though some people will invite close family/friends for gift opening. And even then, if someone opens a card with a gift card or check in it, they likely aren't going to announce the dollar amount. I was invited to one of those once, and it was kinda weird. "Hey, we are going to open our 76 wedding gifts on Sunday, want to come over and watch? We will serve tea!"

[ReaperKK]

just don't be that guy that came to our wedding, ate a free meal, drank the free drinks and gave us a card with nothing in it other than his signature, which was upside down.

What an ass, I can understand people can't afford to give money or other gifts, especially if you're traveling but a well written card can mean a lot.

[King Postwhore]

$200 to $250.  Not $500.

That much??

I guess the days of $100 is over.

I normally go with $100 but with family members I go more.

[Cool Chris]

just don't be that guy that came to our wedding, ate a free meal, drank the free drinks and gave us a card with nothing in it other than his signature, which was upside down.

Haha!

[Lonk]

I always feel weird about giving people money/gift cards (so me personally, I try to stay away from it). But the few times I do give money I do no less than 100 but not more than 250

[pg1067]

So here goes a random question, but I don't go to a lot of weddings, lol

Going to a wedding soon of someone who I look at more like a sibling than an uncle. We were insanely close when I was a kid, but have grown apart a lot in the past few years. How much would money would you put in the card?

I was thinking somewhere between $250 and $500, but I really have no idea. Thoughts?

Hmmm...for whatever reason, I'm 52 and have been to very few weddings in my life (the last one being 10-15 years ago or so).  Of my two best friends growing up, one never got married (same is true of a few other, less close friends) and the other got married during a period of time when we weren't in communication.

Know your audience and all (and it sounds like you've got an atypical situation), but I would be hard-pressed to imagine anyone who isn't my child that I'd consider spending that kind of money on for a wedding gift.  For a more "normal" situation, I'd look at the wedding registry (if there is one) and pick something in the < $100 range.

I don't know anything about this sort of thing, thank the gods, so I have to ask: are the cards revealed in front of everybody? Because that would be a real dick move in my book. Frankly, I'd want the whole thing to be as anonymous as possible. I don't even want to know who gave me $500 and who gave me a 50¢ Off Shake N Bake coupon. And I damn sure don't want the whole thing open to the judgment of others.

My wife and I opened all of the wedding gifts the day after the ceremony, at her mother's house, before we left for our honeymoon.  Aside from her mother, her sister (maid of honor) and maybe her sister's boyfriend, there was no one else there.  And I've never heard of gifts being opened "publicly."

[gmillerdrake]

Honestly, a crisp $100 bill is usually plenty regardless of your relationship.

This. I give $100 and call it even. It’s a significant enough amount to show you care and small enough amount to not create an unexpected issue with family/friends should they learn how much you gave.

[T-ski]

just don't be that guy that came to our wedding, ate a free meal, drank the free drinks and gave us a card with nothing in it other than his signature, which was upside down.

My wife just reminded me he brought a date as well.

[cramx3]

For one, I would only give money at a wedding.  Gifts are for the bridal shower.  Second, I think $100 per person is the norm, so if it's you and a guest, $200 is appropriate.  However, sometimes more (usually not less) is warranted given the relationship.  I think the rule of cost of the meal comes to account as well.  However, when you consider cost of travel to some weddings, sometimes I won't consider adding more because they chose a fancy spot that cost me a ton to get to. 

[TAC]

Unless it was my kid, I would never give more than $100. To anybody. I honestly don't care if the meal was $100 a head. That's their problem. Because a couple wants to go all put for their wedding, it's not my obligation to subsidize it. You get a hundred bucks. Buy a fucking mixer.

[El Barto]

Unless it was my kid, I would never give more than $100. To anybody. I honestly don't care if the meal was $100 a head. That's their problem. Because a couple wants to go all put for their wedding, it's not my obligation to subsidize it. You get a hundred bucks. Buy a fucking mixer.

I applaud both your strategy and your derision. Buy a fucking mixer, indeed.

Looking back, I don't recall ever attending a wedding where people were forking over cash. I seem to associate with people who put others before themselves, and don't care about marriage as an institution. People I know tend to just want others to enjoy themselves. And they're certainly not of the sort to squander a bunch of money on such a thing. Hell, my stepsister put on a great wedding and actually turned a small profit. Honestly, if there were an expectation that I pay X amount to attend their wedding I'd probably take a pass. That's just not how it should work. As a courtesy throwing them a C-note to help out would make me happy, though. It's the codifying of it that offends me.

[Podaar]

Barto,

How do you feel about me selling dances with the bride (my daughters' weddings). After my traditional dance with my daughter. I make a show of pinning a $100 bill to her dress and announce that I'll be selling dances with her. Previously, I've distributed $50's and $20's with my Sons and sell them the first and second dance. It's a total manipulation. I'm trying to squeeze some extra cash for the couple from my notoriously rich and stingy family. You wouldn't believe how quickly this move can clear the room of freeloaders. But it works. Everyone has a few laughs, and the kids get an extra grand or so out of it.

[Chino]

I always give $200 as a gift. If the person getting married is a really close friend and I'm part of the wedding party, I usually give him and the misses $200, and then I'll give him something in the $150-$200 range on the side as a token of friendship. I always try to make that personal. Stuff like a custom poker chip set in a walnut case with card-themed inlays (we hold monthly poker games), or a custom cigar box loaded up with 30 stogies and a personalized cutter. You know, something they can hold onto a while and actually use.

[Stadler]

$200 to $250.  Not $500.

That much??

I guess the days of $100 is over.

Almost to the word, I thought exactly the same thing. 

We're like Fred Sanford and Grady Wilson, I swear. 

[King Postwhore]

$200 to $250.  Not $500.

That much??

I guess the days of $100 is over.

Almost to the word, I thought exactly the same thing. 

We're like Fred Sanford and Grady Wilson, I swear.

$100 normal.  My other #'s for immediate family or someone influential in my live.  So for the most part, $100.

[lordxizor]

Yikes, you all give a lot! $50-$100 is typical for us, though admittedly it's been a while since we've been to a wedding. I don't recall getting more than a few gifts of $100 or more when we got married 13 years ago.

[King Postwhore]

It's not like I've given $200 or more out a lot.  Brother, Nieces and Nephews weddings.  Otherwise, $100.

[cramx3]

Looking back, I don't recall ever attending a wedding where people were forking over cash. I seem to associate with people who put others before themselves, and don't care about marriage as an institution. People I know tend to just want others to enjoy themselves. And they're certainly not of the sort to squander a bunch of money on such a thing. Hell, my stepsister put on a great wedding and actually turned a small profit. Honestly, if there were an expectation that I pay X amount to attend their wedding I'd probably take a pass. That's just not how it should work. As a courtesy throwing them a C-note to help out would make me happy, though. It's the codifying of it that offends me.

Maybe location has something to do with it, the northeast is known for big over the top weddings.  It's ridiculous IMO.  But people paying over 50k to host a wedding is pretty normal around here.  So I wonder if that plays a role in the large money gifts.

[King Postwhore]

It's always been this way where I grew up.  Maybe it's a regional thing?

[Lonk]

Maybe location has something to do with it, the northeast is known for big over the top weddings.  It's ridiculous IMO.  But people paying over 50k to host a wedding is pretty normal around here.  So I wonder if that plays a role in the large money gifts.

Yeah, I've been to a couple of 50K+ weddings (4 hours boat ride around downtown Manhattan  ). I swear, I think the best wedding I've been to has also been the cheapest.

A friend of mine decided to get married in Mexico. For him, with flights, hotel, food, photographer, renting a boat for snorkeling and swimming, he told me he spent less than 5K. I was planning a trip to Mexico around that time anyways so I don't count my flight cost as me spending for his wedding.

[cramx3]

Maybe location has something to do with it, the northeast is known for big over the top weddings.  It's ridiculous IMO.  But people paying over 50k to host a wedding is pretty normal around here.  So I wonder if that plays a role in the large money gifts.

Yeah, I've been to a couple of 50K+ weddings (4 hours boat ride around downtown Manhattan  ). I swear, I think the best wedding I've been to has also been the cheapest.

A friend of mine decided to get married in Mexico. For him, with flights, hotel, food, photographer, renting a boat for snorkeling and swimming, he told me he spent less than 5K. I was planning a trip to Mexico around that time anyways so I don't count my flight cost as me spending for his wedding.

I tell people all the time, the money spent on a wedding is not what makes it good.  It's the people, the group of people who come together for the wedding.  You get a dull crowd, you get a dull wedding... no matter how much money you spent.  I can say I went to the Hitchuation that was aired on MTV.  Easily the most over the top wedding I've ever been to and I don't think it cracks my top 5 favorite weddings.  It wasn't even as fun as the other two I went to right before it which were both fairly cheap, but had a good group of friends surrounding the couple which brought the whole event to life.  Meanwhile the Situation and his wife don't have much friends at all and you could tell just how segregated all the attendees were and how unsocial the whole event was because of it.  Food was great, but that's just one aspect of the whole wedding.  Anyway, I gave $200 for that wedding since I had a plus 1, but my parents/siblings kind of thought that was too low given how big the wedding was... sorry, I know MTV paid for it so I'm not falling for the paying the price of the meal sort of thing.

[El Barto]

Barto,

How do you feel about me selling dances with the bride (my daughters' weddings). After my traditional dance with my daughter. I make a show of pinning a $100 bill to her dress and announce that I'll be selling dances with her. Previously, I've distributed $50's and $20's with my Sons and sell them the first and second dance. It's a total manipulation. I'm trying to squeeze some extra cash for the couple from my notoriously rich and stingy family. You wouldn't believe how quickly this move can clear the room of freeloaders. But it works. Everyone has a few laughs, and the kids get an extra grand or so out of it.

Seems a little creepy to me, honestly, but so long as it's not an expectation I've got no problem with it. (And I'm certain you handle it in a respectable, non-creepy manner.) And it sounds like you're targeting familiar people, and that's kind of important. My only concern is the "clear the room of freeloaders" part. If I invited them they're not freeloaders. They're guests. If I invite somebody over for dinner, even a particularly lavish dinner, it's on me. I certainly won't denigrate them from not throwing money in the tip jar.

[Lethean]

I haven't been to many weddings, but the ones I've been to had a registry, including the one a few years ago, so I've never given cash. 

Cramx, what on earth is the Hitchuation?

Speaking of fun weddings, I think this one looks awesome:

https://youtu.be/FPfYYn_jw00

[Cool Chris]

It never occurred to me to alter the gift I give at a wedding based on whether or not I bring a date with me. If you invited me +1, I am not doubling the monetary value of my gift.

My only concern is the "clear the room of freeloaders" part. If I invited them they're not freeloaders. They're guests. If I invite somebody over for dinner, even a particularly lavish dinner, it's on me. I certainly won't denigrate them from not throwing money in the tip jar.

This is the George Costanza argument I playfully have with my wife all the time. They invited us to dinner. Isn't that enough? Do we really have to bring wine, an appetizer, and dessert?

[The Walrus]

Ohh, 'memba the Hitchuation? I 'memba

[cramx3]

Cramx, what on earth is the Hitchuation?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XPmhxn2DI4