I'm cool man, Jingle is the one who can't keep his roulette dick in his pants....
Yup, his gif was my target. I can't stand Gordon Ramsey.
Anyways, since you've all been so gracious and patient, I blew it all off. Let's start with The Hateful Eight:
Chris: Denis Leary – Asshole“Give hyperbole thirty years and it becomes reality”Musical Value: 6 I must be honest: I've never liked Denis Leary, mainly because he stole a couple of bits from my favourite all time comedian (Bill Hicks). Said that, this is a clever dylanesque sour ballad about the joys of first world entitlement's masochism, and everything in its musical structure works perfectly towards its goal: the yodeling, the woofing, the vocal interplay, even the Lennonesque middle-eight (the highlight of the tune). It's solid, and a little more exciting in the electric version. The delivery is pretty good – and less coked out than I expected – with the technical high point being “and my cuban cigar”.
Entrance Adrenaline Boost Value: 6 A ballad never ignited a wrestling crowd, BUT the chorus would be perfect for a comedy/heel valet/manager ala Paul Heyman. Actually I'm amazed no one ever thought about it.
Indi Portrait Vanity Value: 7 See, I'm not that guy, but I'm not completely NOT that guy, and there lies the true brilliance of this little apologue. Just like everybody and nobody is Homer Simpson, Gary Cooper, or Donald Trump. Oh, and I am an asshole.
Key Lyrics: “I like football and porno and books about war”
Total Score: 19Podaar: Depeche Mode – Wrong“Story of my life”Musical Value: 6.5 Crazy theory #1544: Violator is the heaviest album in history not featuring electric guitars. I pleasantly see Depeche Mode keeping the trend alive with this dark obsessive Requiem-for-a-Dream paced descent into self-deprecation. Plus, I'm always a sucker for Dave Gahan's voice and his deep emotional bluntness and childish desperation. Someone once said Rodney Dangerfield's face showed every routine he's ever done; well, Dave's voice shows every spoon he's ever cooked. He totals a solid 62 on the Open Heart Singing Scale, where Greg Lake is 100 and Vince Neil -12.
Entrance Adrenaline Boost Value: 6 There is definitely a way to use this: imagine a “wrong” chant akin to Daniel Bryan's “yes” movement. C'mon, it's money. I should be a booker.
Indi Portrait Vanity Value: 7 Let's put it this way: what would you say if I told you my favourite DT album is The Astonishing? My favourite Deep Purple record is Burn? That In The Light is clearly superior to Stairway to Heaven? That I don't like Geoff Tate and Rob Halford? That my favourite guitarist is Rory Gallagher? Exactly my point.
Key Lyrics: “Wrong”
Total Score: 20King: Pearl Jam – Animal“That's a kind of wrestling I've practised A LOT”Musical Value: 7 Ok, I admit I only own Ten (for those who weren't in my last roulette, I'm the Rock Music Encino Man) but I won't allow that to restrain me from stating my usual pretentious hyperbolic assessment: Pearl Jam (at its best) is a '70s immortal classic act trapped twenty years too late, and Eddie Vedder (at his finest) is the bastard child of House Morrison and House Daltrey. Here they took Even Flow, added 16 valves and turbo-compressor, and unleashed a straightforward rock wrecking ball. Give it a listen: if you're not headbanging in twenty seconds, then “I'd rather be with an animal.”
Entrance Adrenaline Boost Value: 8 Five to one, baby, one to five: the ultimate fighting call and a riff worth arenas. Forgive the dark humour, but this must have been Jeremy's entrance music when he settled the score with his classmates.
Indi Portrait Vanity Value: 6 Mixed feelings here: I've never been with an animal (although the jury is still out about my ex wife being a viper and my current one a tiger), but I'm not exactly a stranger to the five to one Madam Palm vs Mr Kojak strap match. Seriously, I focking hate bullies and abusers, so I do relate.
Key Lyrics: “One, two, three, four, five against one”
Total Score: 21 Puppies: Igorr – Humous“So, now I'm Balkanian?”Musical Value: 6.5 Picture this: a Serbian wedding featuring rivers of red wine, smoked lamb, and a couple of knifings; an oldman on an island going full on Kletzmer with his accordion while Poseidon blastbeats the Mediterranean Sea with his Tama Trident Edition; the boss stage of Sonic The Hedgehog: Running Wild in the Gaza Strip, the boss being a giant chicken. Done? Well, you now have 8% idea about the allucinatory power of this tune. It's grimy, messy, loud as fock, but whenever a song achieves in three minutes the equivalent of a six hours micropoints binge, I call the experience memorable and sooth the munchies with that chicken.
Entrance Adrenaline Boost Value: 8 Would you think a chaotic merciless sonic and percussive raid armed with menacing exotic tribal intervals is going to - at the very least - strike a bit of fear and discomfort in the heart of your regular Bob Backlund all american wrestler? I would, if you scrap the 8 bit part.
Indi Portrait Vanity Value: 7 Although not Balkanian, Egean, or Anatolian, I am certainly Mediterranean for a good half, and those melodies resonate with something in my Animus Machine. Chaos, on the othe hand, is basically what I'm made of.
Key Lyrics: “ghjhfgfktkkfujfkflfh AAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH *cackle* hkjklhiujgkjhgj”
Total Score: 21.5Train: The Dear Hunter – The March“The Brothers Grimm entrance music”Musical Value: 8 Dear Lord, I love these guys and I love The Artist Formerly Known As Parama for introducing me to them in my first roulette. The way they can sip and balance orchestral and progressive elements within spectacularly solid rock constructs is astounding. Add some Musisms here and there, a good dose of Beatlesque shenanigans, and a taste for dark storytelling and surreal athmosphere making them the Tim Burtons (even the Danny Elfmans I would dare to say) of prog rock. Plus, that badass countrystile vamp section at the end is the perfect digestive liquor after a healthy meal.
Entrance Adrenaline Boost Value: 7 Pretty appropriate, in its sneaky smart way. The rolling piano and “I Want to Tell You” beat is a nice cool way to present a snarky obnoxious heel or some high flying cruiserweight tag team: my favourite kinds of wrestler.
Indi Portrait Vanity Value: 6 Ok, I get the charismatic leader rallying the public to action thing, and it may portrait an actor's work, but this dark tale of demonism, soul stealing, and lynching mobs has very little to do with me. As far as you need to know.
Key Lyrics: “And now the mimic is a cynic who laughs while the house of god is reduced to ash”
Total Score: 21.5Katt: Edguy – Love Tyger“The most hilarious sentence in the history of lyrics”Musical Value: 7 The SpandexButt Metal response to Manowar's SwordArm Metal (and I love me some Manowar). Uncompromised fun, self-aggrandising self-parody (look, I just created an oxymoron's paradox; will the Candyman appear if I write it three times?), and nonchalant mastery of every 80's glam trick in the book. Songwriting-wise, nothing you haven't heard a zillion times on your way to the Sunset Strip, but it's catchy as hell and performed with tons of heart and good spirits (shout out to the guitar solo: original in homage, and a whole damn commercial for the Boss CE3 pedal).
Entrance Adrenaline Boost Value: 7 Undeniably energetic and hooky, with a great chick magnetism potential, but would my opponent think I'm offering some freebasing outside a Hollywood titty bar and a thirty minutes interview with Penelope Spheeris instead of a superkick?
Indi Portrait Vanity Value: 8 The need to feel superhuman and almost alien in order to fill a stage and capture gazes; the will to entertain the last guy at the bottom of the room, the one who doesn't want to be entertained, at the risk of your own mental and physical integrity. I always have trouble explaining those things and this dude does it in two verses and one chorus? It sucks “Tobi” outclassed.
Key Lyrics: “I would break my nose to make a stir, break a rib to save the world from choreography”
Total Score: 22TAC: WASP – The Big Welcome / Inside the Electric Circus“Are you gonna be mad if I call him Alice's heir?”Musical Value: 7 A vicious ripper of a rocker, sharing a disturbing yet electrifying similarity with Master of Puppets in the verse. Trust me, it does, go listen to it. Anyways, the main attraction here is Blackie's voice. TIM STOP READING THIS NOW! He's as much the teathrical anger spitting nightmare weaving narrating beast as uncle Alice. Sometimes greatness just duplicates itself across the eras, it happens. Just think Kareem and Timmy. Nonetheless, that guitar solo is something I could have composed and performed in 8th grade if asked: “please compose and perform a lazy and generic solo like you're in 6th grade.”.
Entrance Adrenaline Boost Value: 8 Perfect structure for an entrance: eerie evil menacing circus music to set the mood while the house lights go down, then the ass busting riffage to get the juices going. The match starts, and at the first terribly botched move or hard potato ... that guitar solo!
Indi Portrait Vanity Value: 7 Let's cut this short: I'm a focking clown and my life is basically an itinerant circus. Methinks all the points have been addressed.
Key Lyrics: “It's life upon the road, insane asylum grows ,night after night, the main attraction”
Total Score: 22jingle: Avantasia – Wicked Symphony“For 15 seconds Conan was running through the Cimmerian flatlands”
Musical Value: 7 Strange beast this one. Glorious intro half Basil Poledouris and half Hans Zimmer, then some riffage rythmically moving like Orion, then some Pull Me Under verse sung by two extremely talented chewers of words, then the Living on a Prayer chorus, rinse lather and repeat, a pretty good One Last Time special section, an excellent wah shredfest, some Plantish moaning, a groove metal bit, and then we go back to Tommy's and Gina's struggle with low wages and broken dreams. I kid, man. I wanted to show you a review full of unoriginal references but very enjoyable nonetheless, exactly like this song.
Entrance Adrenaline Boost Value: 8 The whole two orchestral minutes at the beginning are worth a main event entrance. You expect either General Germanicus or Captain Jack Sparrow coming out from Gorilla position. Either way, huge pop.
Indi Portrait Vanity Value: 7 Mmmh … Pretentious, unnecessarily long-winded, in love with its own voice(s), showing off faux erudition, unbearably verbose. Does it sound like some Geordie/Italian bozo you know?
Key Lyrics: “A seeker enthralled by a flame, eventually home to his pain. The Great Unbeloved, you reach for the final stage"
Total Score: 22Coming up: The Magnificent Seven.
Topic: RouletteMania! v. Do It, Gregg! (Read 135659 times)
