RouletteMania! v. Do It, Gregg!

[TAC]

Time zones, horny bored wife, shoveling snow on focking spring ...

[Indiscipline]

Sacul: Nine Inch Nails – March of the Pigs 11

No, it doesn't make me feel better

Musical Value: 4 Let's put it this way: it fails as an actual piece of music because there's just three pedestrian chords of it, and it fails as ecstasy pills popping musical enhancer because those three chords kill the high. It succeeds in ripping Roger Waters off 20 years too late (and lame) lyrically though. Now I feel better.

Offensive Value: 7 Dude, you sent Trent Raznor.



Elite: Spandau Ballet – Gold 9

You discovered my vocal guilty pleasure

Musical Value: 5 I have very few rules in life, and one is: add Tony Hadley's otherwordly voice to whatever piece of musical manure, and you instantly redeem it as something – although barely acceptable – light years above, say, focking Radiohead. Fun fact: Spandau Ballet was the only act I liked among my sister's records, and she used to call me gay for it. Now she lives in Spain, married to a very fine woman.

Offensive Value: 4 I'm mildly offended by you thinking Spandau Ballet would offend me.


Coming up: triple threat match!

[lonestar]

The anticipation is killing me....






Or the fact that I've been alone with my thoughts for 10 days now....

[Sacul]

NIN is definitely more about being cathartic rather than any sort of intellectual exercise imo. I mean, it's more enjoyable that way

[King Postwhore]

RAAAAAAARRRWWWW!!!

[Indiscipline]

Stadler: Soundgarden – Big Dumb Sex 10

Rocking in 7/8 before it was cool

Musical Value: 8 We have failed as society when we failed to recognise Soundgarden as the second coming of Led Zep. Add the most criminally underrated drummer in rock, and, well, Chris Cornell being Chris Cornell. Great parody, not only of hair metal but I daresay of Whole Lotta Love. How can you write both this and Hunger Strike is just mental.

Offensive Value: 2 I'm strangely aroused.


King: Steel Panther – Pussywhipped 11,5

For a minute I thought you sent me Battery

Musical Value: 7,5 Grand Theft Riffage if I ever heard one – the Battery intro ripoff, Elimination, Fight Fire with Fire, etc. - but splendidly executed and feauring a facemelter of a solo. Moment of pure genius for a song titled Pussywhipped: the bridge's harmonic progression is lifted verbatim from Lionel Richie's Hello. 

Offensive Value: 4 I am basically my wife's boss “at work” and I let her get away with bloody murder all the time. This hit close to home.


lonestar: Brass Against – Guerilla Radio 10

Funkanda Forever!

Musical Value: 7 Waaaaaay better than the original due to A) I love me some brazen brass B) Trumpets beat Tom “know-it-all” Morello everyday of the week, twice on Sundays C) Sophia Urista. Let's say if I were still in my heavy mansturbation years, I would need Tommy John surgery right now.

Offensive Value: 3 I'm offended Tommy John surgery is outrageously expensive.



Coming up: the rap battle

[Elite]

Elite: Spandau Ballet – Gold 9

You discovered my vocal guilty pleasure

Musical Value: 5 I have very few rules in life, and one is: add Tony Hadley's otherwordly voice to whatever piece of musical manure, and you instantly redeem it as something – although barely acceptable – light years above, say, focking Radiohead. Fun fact: Spandau Ballet was the only act I liked among my sister's records, and she used to call me gay for it. Now she lives in Spain, married to a very fine woman.

Offensive Value: 4 I'm mildly offended by you thinking Spandau Ballet would offend me.

Okay, so this sort of meta-offensiveness was exactly what I was going for, shame it only handed me 4 points instead of more.

That said, I honestly think this track should score way higher than a 5 out of 10 if you score its 'musical value'. There's a lot of cool stuff happening, from the unusual chord progressions to a freaking saxophone solo. And the chorus stays in your head for days.

[The Walrus]

Musical Value: 8 We have failed as society when we failed to recognise Soundgarden as the second coming of Led Zep.

I'm in the wrong roulette. Chris Cornell fucking SUCKS. 

[Sacul]

no u

[Indiscipline]

Elite: Spandau Ballet – Gold 9

You discovered my vocal guilty pleasure

Musical Value: 5 I have very few rules in life, and one is: add Tony Hadley's otherwordly voice to whatever piece of musical manure, and you instantly redeem it as something – although barely acceptable – light years above, say, focking Radiohead. Fun fact: Spandau Ballet was the only act I liked among my sister's records, and she used to call me gay for it. Now she lives in Spain, married to a very fine woman.

Offensive Value: 4 I'm mildly offended by you thinking Spandau Ballet would offend me.

Okay, so this sort of meta-offensiveness was exactly what I was going for, shame it only handed me 4 points instead of more.

That said, I honestly think this track should score way higher than a 5 out of 10 if you score its 'musical value'. There's a lot of cool stuff happening, from the unusual chord progressions to a freaking saxophone solo. And the chorus stays in your head for days.

Fair (more than) enough, mate. Although a festival of nines in the verse and a disguised minor II-V-I in the chorus isn't exactly rocking my (and your) world in the cool stuff department.

The chorus DOES stay in your head for days, dammit.

[Indiscipline]

Musical Value: 8 We have failed as society when we failed to recognise Soundgarden as the second coming of Led Zep.

I'm in the wrong roulette. Chris Cornell fucking SUCKS. 

[lonestar]

C) Sophia Urista. Let's say if I were still in my heavy mansturbation years, I would need Tommy John surgery right now.

Yeah, she's just.....sigh....

[jingle.boy]

C) Sophia Urista. Let's say if I were still in my heavy mansturbation years, I would need Tommy John surgery right now.

Yeah, she's just.....sigh....

[lonestar]

Yup.

[Stadler]

Stadler: Soundgarden – Big Dumb Sex 10

Rocking in 7/8 before it was cool

Musical Value: 8 We have failed as society when we failed to recognise Soundgarden as the second coming of Led Zep. Add the most criminally underrated drummer in rock, and, well, Chris Cornell being Chris Cornell. Great parody, not only of hair metal but I daresay of Whole Lotta Love. How can you write both this and Hunger Strike is just mental.

Offensive Value: 2 I'm strangely aroused.

You would have loved Temple Of The Dog at Madison Square Garden then.   Chris came out, and said something to the effect of "this song has been played here before" and they went in to Achilles Last Stand.   Probably the second best Zeppelin cover I've ever heard.  Cameron got the rhythmic "give and take" perfectly, and Chris Cornell totally nailed the epic vibe of that song.  It was a transcendent moment, to be sure.  At the end, he said something to the effect of "I can't believe I got to sing that song in this building", again acknowledging the history of Zeppelin at Madison Square Garden (if I'm not mistaken, they've done more shows at MSG than any other US venue other than maybe the LA Forum). 

[King Postwhore]

Jacked and pumped having an 11.5.


And that score as well.

[Indiscipline]

Stadler: Soundgarden – Big Dumb Sex 10

Rocking in 7/8 before it was cool

Musical Value: 8 We have failed as society when we failed to recognise Soundgarden as the second coming of Led Zep. Add the most criminally underrated drummer in rock, and, well, Chris Cornell being Chris Cornell. Great parody, not only of hair metal but I daresay of Whole Lotta Love. How can you write both this and Hunger Strike is just mental.

Offensive Value: 2 I'm strangely aroused.

You would have loved Temple Of The Dog at Madison Square Garden then.   Chris came out, and said something to the effect of "this song has been played here before" and they went in to Achilles Last Stand.   Probably the second best Zeppelin cover I've ever heard.  Cameron got the rhythmic "give and take" perfectly, and Chris Cornell totally nailed the epic vibe of that song.  It was a transcendent moment, to be sure.  At the end, he said something to the effect of "I can't believe I got to sing that song in this building", again acknowledging the history of Zeppelin at Madison Square Garden (if I'm not mistaken, they've done more shows at MSG than any other US venue other than maybe the LA Forum). 

I certainly would have. Two questions for you:

1) What's the best Zep cover you ever heard?

2) Who's the artist holding the record for most MSG soldouts?

hint:

[King Postwhore]

Bruno!

Best Zep cover would be by Great White.

[Elite]

Elite: Spandau Ballet – Gold 9

You discovered my vocal guilty pleasure

Musical Value: 5 I have very few rules in life, and one is: add Tony Hadley's otherwordly voice to whatever piece of musical manure, and you instantly redeem it as something – although barely acceptable – light years above, say, focking Radiohead. Fun fact: Spandau Ballet was the only act I liked among my sister's records, and she used to call me gay for it. Now she lives in Spain, married to a very fine woman.

Offensive Value: 4 I'm mildly offended by you thinking Spandau Ballet would offend me.

Okay, so this sort of meta-offensiveness was exactly what I was going for, shame it only handed me 4 points instead of more.

That said, I honestly think this track should score way higher than a 5 out of 10 if you score its 'musical value'. There's a lot of cool stuff happening, from the unusual chord progressions to a freaking saxophone solo. And the chorus stays in your head for days.

Fair (more than) enough, mate. Although a festival of nines in the verse and a disguised minor II-V-I in the chorus isn't exactly rocking my (and your) world in the cool stuff department.

The chorus DOES stay in your head for days, dammit.

Oh, but there's more than that (I'm a sucker for the descending sevenths in the chords just before the chorus) - and what you described already is way more than your average pop tune

[Stadler]

Stadler: Soundgarden – Big Dumb Sex 10

Rocking in 7/8 before it was cool

Musical Value: 8 We have failed as society when we failed to recognise Soundgarden as the second coming of Led Zep. Add the most criminally underrated drummer in rock, and, well, Chris Cornell being Chris Cornell. Great parody, not only of hair metal but I daresay of Whole Lotta Love. How can you write both this and Hunger Strike is just mental.

Offensive Value: 2 I'm strangely aroused.

You would have loved Temple Of The Dog at Madison Square Garden then.   Chris came out, and said something to the effect of "this song has been played here before" and they went in to Achilles Last Stand.   Probably the second best Zeppelin cover I've ever heard.  Cameron got the rhythmic "give and take" perfectly, and Chris Cornell totally nailed the epic vibe of that song.  It was a transcendent moment, to be sure.  At the end, he said something to the effect of "I can't believe I got to sing that song in this building", again acknowledging the history of Zeppelin at Madison Square Garden (if I'm not mistaken, they've done more shows at MSG than any other US venue other than maybe the LA Forum). 

I certainly would have. Two questions for you:

1) What's the best Zep cover you ever heard?

2) Who's the artist holding the record for most MSG soldouts?

hint:

Heart with Jason Bonham doing Stairway in front of Mssrs. Page, Plant and Jones at the Kennedy Center.

I'm going with Billy Joel.

[Indiscipline]

Katt: Tech N9ne – Worldwide Choppers 10.5

Breathing is overrated, I guess

Musical Value: 4,5 Four is default here for rap, since a beat plus spoken word leave me with no music to judge, BUT I'm honestly in awe of the technical proficiency and breathing discipline involved in the recording. Plus the hook is somewhat catchy, so here's your .5. Have a Hennessy for me.

Offensive Value: 6 Yo sending rap fo' real, cuz?


Chris: H.W.A. - Little Dick 12

Hell hath no fury and all that jazz

Musical Value: 4  Four is default here for rap, since a beat plus spoken word leave me with no music to judge, BUT nothing really. No buts. The beat is boring, the “musical element” basically non-existant, and the girl is a pretty poor rapper; she's just annoying, which I suppose was key in sending this turd.

Offensive Value: 8 Well, unless you're hung like the players mentioned in the song (and believe it or not, I am not), there's no way this one doesn't sting. Good job.



Coming up: Axl & Waters

[The Walrus]

Nah, try again. 

I find your assessment of rap, especially with all the melody in my song, to be wildly, objective incorrect, but it is what it is, I knew it wouldn't score well. But 'no music to judge'? There's rhythm, there's melody, there's a near bottomless well of intelligent rhyme schemes, wordplay, homonyms, and more. Rap is music and every bit as creatively and physically demanding as a metal or rock singer putting his hojos in a vice for 90 minutes every night and it's a style of musical performance that can combine melody with advanced percussive and rhythmic elements in a way other genres can't.

It's really fun trying to keep up with rap at that level.

[Indiscipline]

I'll try again.

My assessment of rap is wildly subjective. I won't ever deny it possesses a huge and complex universe of art and craft, and as such it can't be ranked as superior or inferior to anything else if not by personal taste, i.e. I prefer other kinds of melodic, rythmic and poethic elements.

Or, I don't have the instruments and background to penetrate and appreciate that universe, so I dismiss it like the middle-aged snotty ponce I proudly am. 


Represent.
 

[Crow]

rap is a very vocally-focused genre.

i like instrumentals more than vocals.

therefore, i don't tend to like much rap.

[The Walrus]

 

[jingle.boy]

I'll try again.

My assessment of rap is wildly subjective. I won't ever deny it possesses a huge and complex universe of art and craft, and as such it can't be ranked as superior or inferior to anything else if not by personal taste, i.e. I prefer other kinds of melodic, rythmic and poethic elements.

Or, I don't have the instruments and background to penetrate and appreciate that universe, so I dismiss it like the middle-aged snotty ponce I proudly am. 


Represent.

:represents:

[The Walrus]

Also Chad: listens to the same prog metal band repackaged in 80 different types of wrapping. 

[jingle.boy]

Also Chad: listens to the same prog metal band repackaged in 80 different types of wrapping. 

That's your boob sweat talking, and you know it!

[The Walrus]

My boob sweat is more metal than you, daddy!

[Indiscipline]

I hate prog metal and love Sinatra. Who am I to talk?

[Podaar]

It's really fun trying to keep up with rap at that level.

Moth't impothible for Texath hick with tiny cock thucker lithp, Jabroni. Try taking you needle dick out of wall socket, Fatass Targaryen.

[romdrums]

I'll try again.

My assessment of rap is wildly subjective. I won't ever deny it possesses a huge and complex universe of art and craft, and as such it can't be ranked as superior or inferior to anything else if not by personal taste, i.e. I prefer other kinds of melodic, rythmic and poethic elements.

Or, I don't have the instruments and background to penetrate and appreciate that universe, so I dismiss it like the middle-aged snotty ponce I proudly am. 


Represent.

Ponce.  That's a word that needs to be used more often in conversation.   

[The Walrus]

It's really fun trying to keep up with rap at that level.

Moth't impothible for Texath hick with tiny cock thucker lithp, Jabroni. Try taking you needle dick out of wall socket, Fatass Targaryen.

Fatass Targaryen!! 

[jingle.boy]

My boob sweat is more metal than you, daddy!

Says the man who sent rap!?!?!!  You know the "C" in rap is silent, right?  The only thing even remotely close to "metal" about you is the density of your skull.

[Indiscipline]

romdrums: Guns'n'Roses – Get in the Ring 13

Theme perfectly executed. Still can't stand'em.

Musical Value: 5 Let's pick some cuts from the Knocking on Heaven's Door sessions, put'em on a Sex Pistols tune, and salvage the rest with the always amazing Slash (who can't play a tasteless lick even if he wanted). Add venom, hypocrisy, and the tragically transformative lack of Izzy in the creative process.

Offensive Value: 8 It's a vicious full on putdown towards all the schmucks like me who don't respect success before firing armchair critique, and I'll take it like a man.


Evermind: Roger Waters – It's a Miracle 14

You focking did your homework

Musical Value: 6 Spacey, classy, elegant … and totally cold and contrived, desperately lacking the human warmth of some Gilmour weeping on Wright carpet. Yet spacey, classy, elegant. The I Should Have Never Split From My Musical Partner Rushmore: Waters Roger, Lennon John, Portnoy Mike, Turner Ike.

Offensive Value: 8 I was almost in agreement with the general lyrical sentiment, then it went and threw shade at A.L. Webber and operetta (my job). Fock you.



Excellent work, everybody. Just for kicks, my all time favourite offensive song? How Do You Sleep.


And we have our first set of standings:


Evermind 14
jingle 13
romdrums 13
Chris 12
King 11.5
Puppies 11
Sacul 11
Train 11
Katt 10.5
TAC 10.5
lonestar 10
Podaar 10
Stadler 10
ariich 9
Elite 9

Feel free to send for Round 2, but mind you:

Round II: Entrance Music. Barge in on the arena with the right tune and half the battle is already won. The crowd will move at your command, respond to your catchposes, become your dancing and singing army. Never again it will be possible to disjoint a tune's first four bars from your image.

Introduce me with music. Find a song that totally represents me and projects my traits on a 1/100 scale. I will rate it both as valuable musical piece and exalting instrument