Men are from Mars, Women I have no f*$%ing idea

[The Walrus]

I'm just going to pretend that this page never fucking happened.

Yeah, sex sucks and blows, right? Err wait... 

[lordxizor]

I'm 58 this year, and I can tell you from personal experience that various parts of the human body simply stop working as well as they did when you were younger.  It doesn't help that both myself and my wife have various medical conditions and procedures (coronary bypass for each of us, plus a few others for each of us).  The result is that we love each other very much, and express it in various ways, but the physical expression is just plain strenuous and exhausting for both of us, so it doesn't happen a lot.

On the other hand, I'm a musician.  I can do fucking amazing things with my hands and fingers, and she would agree.  Too much information?  No, I think that's exactly enough.   

Honestly the body slowing down is one of the reasons I started pushing for more sex now in our late 30s when everything is still fully functional. I've already noticed a decrease in stamina so I want to make sure we take full advantage while we can.

[TAC]

I'm 58 this year, and I can tell you from personal experience that various parts of the human body simply stop working as well as they did when you were younger.  It doesn't help that both myself and my wife have various medical conditions and procedures (coronary bypass for each of us, plus a few others for each of us).  The result is that we love each other very much, and express it in various ways, but the physical expression is just plain strenuous and exhausting for both of us, so it doesn't happen a lot.

On the other hand, I'm a musician.  I can do fucking amazing things with my hands and fingers, and she would agree.  Too much information?  No, I think that's exactly enough.   

Honestly the body slowing down is one of the reasons I started pushing for more sex now in our late 30s when everything is still fully functional. I've already noticed a decrease in stamina so I want to make sure we take full advantage while we can.

Is that what you tell her when ice cream doesn't work?

[lordxizor]

I'm 58 this year, and I can tell you from personal experience that various parts of the human body simply stop working as well as they did when you were younger.  It doesn't help that both myself and my wife have various medical conditions and procedures (coronary bypass for each of us, plus a few others for each of us).  The result is that we love each other very much, and express it in various ways, but the physical expression is just plain strenuous and exhausting for both of us, so it doesn't happen a lot.

On the other hand, I'm a musician.  I can do fucking amazing things with my hands and fingers, and she would agree.  Too much information?  No, I think that's exactly enough.   

Honestly the body slowing down is one of the reasons I started pushing for more sex now in our late 30s when everything is still fully functional. I've already noticed a decrease in stamina so I want to make sure we take full advantage while we can.

Is that what you tell her when ice cream doesn't work?

works every time.

[Podaar]

Honestly the body slowing down is one of the reasons I started pushing for more sex now in our late 30s when everything is still fully functional. I've already noticed a decrease in stamina so I want to make sure we take full advantage while we can.

Oh, god, you're in your 30's? Yeah, should definitely be making passes at each other several times per day...maybe even following through each time.

[Phoenix87x]

If you haven't yet, Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman ... for many men, Physical Touch *is* the language of love.  True, intimate, unconditional *love*.  And that doesn't just mean intercourse.  It's all forms of physical intimacy.  For mrs.jingle, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are 1a and 1b.

Love that book. I'm strait up physical affection all the way. I've had girls in the past say that I wasn't being verbally affectionate, but it wasn't until I looked at that book that I realized that just wasn't how I was. Even when I tried to be verbally affectionate it felt fake and forced, but I could be physically affectionate all day.

[lordxizor]

If you haven't yet, Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman ... for many men, Physical Touch *is* the language of love.  True, intimate, unconditional *love*.  And that doesn't just mean intercourse.  It's all forms of physical intimacy.  For mrs.jingle, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are 1a and 1b.

Love that book. I'm strait up physical affection all the way. I've had girls in the past say that I wasn't being verbally affectionate, but it wasn't until I looked at that book that I realized that just wasn't how I was. Even when I tried to be verbally affectionate it felt fake and forced, but I could be physically affectionate all day.

Sounds a lot like me. I read this book a long time ago, may be worth revisiting. I think we have a copy of it laying around somewhere.

[Orbert]

New fun incident.  Same issue.  I ask a question, I get a response that provides some information, but doesn't actually answer the question.  Getting an actual answer to my question does not appear to be possible.

The scene: Orbert's house, Saturday afternoon. The kitchen faucet handle keeps coming off.  You can put it back on, and it still turns and controls the water, because it mounts on a square "peg", but it keeps coming off and it's getting annoying.  She wants to get a new one, not from the regular hardware store, which we know is open, but from the fancy place that only sells plumbing and fixtures, because they have some really nice ones.  But this is Illinois, where only "essential services" are open.


Me: Are they open?  I know <regular hardware store> is open, but <fancy place> is hardly essential.

She: I checked their website.

Me: (pause) ...And?

She: It didn't say anything about them being closed.


Okay, so maybe they're open, but more likely they just haven't updated their website. Probably because the person who does that hasn't come in, because they're not essential.


Me: Did you call them?

She: I said I checked the website!


So we're going to play this game, again.


Me: Okay, you checked the website.  What did it say?

She: It didn't say anything about them being closed.

Me:  Did it say anything about them being open?

She: No.

Me: Then we don't actually know.  Try calling them.

She: I checked the website!

Me: You said that.  Did you call them?

She: No!


I'm doing other stuff anyway, so I just leave the room rather than get into an argument.  Later I come back upstairs to make some coffee.


She: So when are we going to <fancy place>?

Me: Did you call them yet?

She: I told you!  I checked the website!

Me: Right, but the website did not tell you whether they're open or closed.

She: I know that!

Me:  So... we could find out, if someone wanted to, you know, call them.


Foolishly, I reach the same conclusion that always bites me in the ass.  That is, since she is the one who wants to go there in the first place, then she should be the one to work out the details.  I am willing to work with her on this, but since she already knows what she wants to do, my contribution is in the form of advising the best way to get the information we both need.  I head back downstairs to drink my coffee while I surf the net some more.  I come back up a half hour later or so to rinse my coffee cup.


She: The website says <fancy place> is open until 4:00 today.  (It is now 2:30.)

Me: Did you call them?

She: Look, it says right on the website that they're open on Saturdays until 4:00.  Why should I call them?


I don't care anymore.  I should just call them myself, but I'm willing to drive all the way out there, to either get a faucet or prove her wrong; it doesn't even matter at this point.  I haven't left the house in a week, and find myself actually looking forward to it.

We drive "all the way out there", about 20 minutes.  It is absolutely gorgeous outside.  It's 70 degrees and sunny, and I have a nice buzz on.  She's driving.  We slow as we enter the parking lot and she sees that it is completely empty.


She: Oh, it looks like they're closed.

Me: That's why I asked if you'd called them.  Twice, at least.

She: But I checked their website!


At least I got out of the house for a while, and it was nice out.

[jingle.boy]

[Adami]

You’d have been so screwed if they were open.

[Cool Chris]

Saw this thread had a new post... was hoping it was Orbert. Did not disappoint.

[Orbert]

You’d have been so screwed if they were open.

If they had been open, then cool, we would've masked up and gone in and bought a new faucet.  It would've been win-win.  Instead, it was a nice drive out to the fancy place that was closed.  I was the only one who got something out of it, but it was her own damned fault, and I'm not gonna feel bad about that.

[Podaar]

 

Perfect update to the OP! Thanks, Orbert.

[TAC]

In my house, the roles would be reversed. My wife would be, "Can you just call?". I hate calling anywhere.

[lordxizor]

I hate calling places as well. I have literally put things off for years just because I would have had to call to make an appointment.

[Snow Dog]

In my house, the roles would be reversed. My wife would be, "Can you just call?". I hate calling anywhere.

This sentence is so familiar it almost hurts...

[King Postwhore]

Bob, I feel your pain.  Seriously.

[Northern Lion]

Orbert, your post was the perfect way for me to start my day today 

[ReaperKK]

that was a great post. My wife is completely allergic to making phone calls so if we need to call about anything I need to do it. I eventually got fed up with it and said no, your problem you call. Typically the stuff she asks me to call about returns that she mailed back.

[Stadler]

I feel like I'm looking in a mirror, though I'm with TAC: it would be the other way around. 

One of the things that is bugging me, and it might be quarantine, who knows, is pronouns.  I'll be sitting there and she'll walk in and say "So, she's getting married, and he doesn't want to have a big wedding, but she's like, we have so many people who do we exclude, and they want to have a say in who goes, but he's not budging, and she's threatening to not pay for the wedding.  So she's heartbroken and wants to call the whole thing off.  He is willing to help with the money, but he's not budging on demanding that his parents be there."   And as I'm listening I realize that my wife has just referred to six different people using only "he" and "she".  Add to it that I don't know ANY of these people from the mailman, and I'm like "Oh, that sounds like a mess!" and go back to my book.   

The problem is when it gets important.  We're in the middle of a dispute with her ex; "Honey, Jim* called.  He said that he's not willing to budge on the dollar figure, but he can probably get him to agree to a different schedule for him."  Let's unpack that:   our lawyer, the person we're "suing" (not really, but it's close enough) and HIS lawyer are all named "Jim", so there's that. Who called?  I can assume it's our lawyer.  "He said" is not OUR lawyer, but THEIR lawyer.   "he's not" is the guy we're "fighting".   "he can" is unclear, it's one of the lawyers.   "get him" is the guy we're fighting.   "for him" is a new person, her son, who is involved in this.   I have to do this in real time, AND understand the content of the statement.  Usually I just smile, but there are times when I have to say, nicely, "go back over that and put in real names not pronouns, please."

* Not his real name.

[Harmony]

I get this is a thread to complain about how women communicate - or don't as the case may be.  So forgive me for jumping in here but I deal with this issue mostly with my kids.  And the funny thing is I'm probably guilty of this as well sometimes but I find myself asking them, "Can't you please just be direct with your question/need/desire?"

Ask for what you want.  Be kind about it, but be direct.  Wash/rinse/repeat.

[TAC]

When my wife is rambling, I usually tell my wife to tap me on the arm once if she wants me to say yes, and tap it twice if you want me to say no.

[Stadler]

I get this is a thread to complain about how women communicate - or don't as the case may be.  So forgive me for jumping in here but I deal with this issue mostly with my kids.  And the funny thing is I'm probably guilty of this as well sometimes but I find myself asking them, "Can't you please just be direct with your question/need/desire?"

Ask for what you want.  Be kind about it, but be direct.  Wash/rinse/repeat.

If it matters to you, I approach it as "spouses"; it just happens that the OP was a man and his spouse was a woman.  I'm damn near perfect () but I'm pretty sure my wife could drum up something that she can complain about with my communication skills (or lack thereof). 

[Northern Lion]

I get this is a thread to complain about how women communicate - or don't as the case may be.  So forgive me for jumping in here but I deal with this issue mostly with my kids.  And the funny thing is I'm probably guilty of this as well sometimes but I find myself asking them, "Can't you please just be direct with your question/need/desire?"

Ask for what you want.  Be kind about it, but be direct.  Wash/rinse/repeat.

I totally hear you about the kids thing.  For some reason, they all just expect that everyone knows what they are talking about while giving as little information as possible.  Especially my teens.    But I still love them to death.

When my wife is rambling, I usually tell my wife to tap me on the arm once if she wants me to say yes, and tap it twice if you want me to say no.

 .  I love my wife dearly, but man do I know how you feel!  And she gets incensed when she realizes nobody is listening to her anymore.  It's usually the kids though.

[TAC]

My wife has this thing where once she starts driving, she has to call someone. So when she leaves work, she'll call me and proceed to tell me everything she's going to tell me when she gets home anyway. I usually just say, "Don't you have your mother or your sister to call? You can get that out of the way now."

[Orbert]

I get this is a thread to complain about how women communicate - or don't as the case may be.  So forgive me for jumping in here but I deal with this issue mostly with my kids.  And the funny thing is I'm probably guilty of this as well sometimes but I find myself asking them, "Can't you please just be direct with your question/need/desire?"

Ask for what you want.  Be kind about it, but be direct.  Wash/rinse/repeat.

Harmony, I admit that I forget sometimes that there are females on board here, and I sincerely apologize if I've offended you or anyone else with my blatant sexism.  I'm old, I'm old-fashioned, and I was never that enlightened to begin with, so when my wife and I are having communication issues (which actually isn't nearly as often as it might seem, based on my posts), I tend to write it off as a male/female thing.  Sexist as it is, males do tend to have fundamentally different communication styles from females in general.  In general.  And my wife and I happen to fall right into the stereotypes.

I try to take the edge off of it by writing up my adventures in a hopefully humorous or at least amusing way, but you're absolutely right: This is more of a general conflict of communication styles than it is a strictly male/female thing.  I've tried to teach my kids the same thing.  Say what you mean.  Ask questions if you don't know.  At the very least, don't do something stupid (which includes wasting your own time or someone else's) when you could have easily obtained a bit of knowledge that would have saved everyone some trouble.  Again, my wife does not seem to share that philosophy, but it's not specifically a gender thing.

You guys saying you hate calling places: I do, too.  But I hate wasting time, effort, and/or money even more, when a simple phone call would've avoided it all.  I absolutely would've made the call, especially since I fully expected to hear a recording saying that they were closed due to the lockdown blah blah blah.  Except that if I'd made the call, it would have exacerbated the issue.  If they were closed, she'd be pissed that I called after she already told me (multiple times) that she'd checked the website.  Doesn't matter that the website obviously hasn't been updated in months; I should have trusted her, and trusted her judgement, and I didn't.  So I'd be in the wrong, even if I was right.  If they were open, it would've been even worse.  I didn't trust her, and it turned out she was right after all.  The only possible move was to just get in the car and go out there with her.

[Harmony]

I get this is a thread to complain about how women communicate - or don't as the case may be.  So forgive me for jumping in here but I deal with this issue mostly with my kids.  And the funny thing is I'm probably guilty of this as well sometimes but I find myself asking them, "Can't you please just be direct with your question/need/desire?"

Ask for what you want.  Be kind about it, but be direct.  Wash/rinse/repeat.

Harmony, I admit that I forget sometimes that there are females on board here, and I sincerely apologize if I've offended you or anyone else with my blatant sexism.  I'm old, I'm old-fashioned, and I was never that enlightened to begin with, so when my wife and I are having communication issues (which actually isn't nearly as often as it might seem, based on my posts), I tend to write it off as a male/female thing.  Sexist as it is, males do tend to have fundamentally different communication styles from females in general.  In general.  And my wife and I happen to fall right into the stereotypes.

I try to take the edge off of it by writing up my adventures in a hopefully humorous or at least amusing way, but you're absolutely right: This is more of a general conflict of communication styles than it is a strictly male/female thing.  I've tried to teach my kids the same thing.  Say what you mean.  Ask questions if you don't know.  At the very least, don't do something stupid (which includes wasting your own time or someone else's) when you could have easily obtained a bit of knowledge that would have saved everyone some trouble.  Again, my wife does not seem to share that philosophy, but it's not specifically a gender thing.

You guys saying you hate calling places: I do, too.  But I hate wasting time, effort, and/or money even more, when a simple phone call would've avoided it all.  I absolutely would've made the call, especially since I fully expected to hear a recording saying that they were closed due to the lockdown blah blah blah.  Except that if I'd made the call, it would have exacerbated the issue.  If they were closed, she'd be pissed that I called after she already told me (multiple times) that she'd checked the website.  Doesn't matter that the website obviously hasn't been updated in months; I should have trusted her, and trusted her judgement, and I didn't.  So I'd be in the wrong, even if I was right.  If they were open, it would've been even worse.  I didn't trust her, and it turned out she was right after all.  The only possible move was to just get in the car and go out there with her.

I'm not offended at all.  Lord knows I have kvetched about husbands with my female friends.

So I hope you won't be offended by my next observation.  You say it was the "only possible move" to just get in the car and go.  But I don't think that's true.  I think you might have tried, "Honey, I don't want to drive out there only to find the store is closed.  One of us needs to call first.  Do you want to do it or do you want me to do it?"  If she hems and haws, then you have your answer.  You call.

[Lethean]

Harmony has it right.  Or another option - "I think you should call to verify that they're open because a lot of stores aren't updating their websites and this is something that you really want.  But if you don't want to and don't mind taking a ride and getting out of the house for a while, I'm happy to go with you."

It is a funny story though.

[Orbert]

Not a bad idea, but I still think it's risky.  She was absolutely certain that the website was accurate -- despite my pointing out what I considered a valid reason why it might not be -- and insisting that one of us call ahead is still tantamount to not trusting her judgement.  But you're right; it's an option I hadn't thought of.

[emtee]

Funny story.

Been married 33 years and we've compromised thousands of times but in this case I think the onus was on her to call. 

[Harmony]

I get that she might see it that way.  But now you can point out that you trusted her judgment about this and then she got it wrong because you didn't make that call.

Walking on egg shells in a relationship sucks.  But frankly, if she gets her nose bent out of shape because you wanted to take one more step to ensure you weren't wasting time, then that's on her to talk to you about her feelings.  She can have her feelings.  That doesn't mean she's right.  And you can acknowledge that it might feel to her that you didn't trust her judgment but really you were just trying to make the best of the situation at hand.  And welcome her to do the same thing if the situation is ever reversed.

[King Postwhore]

The wifey and I get into it on this subject in a different way.  She's Google a place and they have their hours but Google isn't always updates so I tell her to go on their website.  She gets irritated because i don't believe her.  I'm driving, I can'y check but I would like to and may of times the hours were different on their website.

[Harmony]

Funny story.

Been married 33 years and we've compromised thousands of times but in this case I think the onus was on her to call.

Not sure I agree.  She felt like she did her due diligence.  Orbert wasn't satisfied with that (and he was ultimately correct) so the onus was on him to call.  I mean, if my old man didn't trust my judgment on something like that, I'd invite him to check it out for himself.  Or go run the errand by myself.

I mean, it's ok to take responsibility for doing what we ourselves think is correct in a given situation.  I don't mean be a dick about it.  Just if it is that important to you, take the bull by the horns.

[Indiscipline]

Ok, I'd hate to be too much nosey, but


Is the faucet handle ok now?

[King Postwhore]

Funny story.

Been married 33 years and we've compromised thousands of times but in this case I think the onus was on her to call.

Not sure I agree.  She felt like she did her due diligence.  Orbert wasn't satisfied with that (and he was ultimately correct) so the onus was on him to call.  I mean, if my old man didn't trust my judgment on something like that, I'd invite him to check it out for himself.  Or go run the errand by myself.

I mean, it's ok to take responsibility for doing what we ourselves think is correct in a given situation.  I don't mean be a dick about it.  Just if it is that important to you, take the bull by the horns.

She may take it as he doesn't trust her so that's why Orbert was hesitant.  That's a guess.  Me personally. I would tell her i want to call so we don't wait our time driving everywhere.