Men are from Mars, Women I have no f*$%ing idea

[The Walrus]

This thread is getting icky.

"The stickiest of the icky. Won't you smoke one with the ol' boy Rick James?"

[TAC]

As usual, I wish I know what the hell you are talking about.

[cramx3]

Give her the silent treatment.

 

[The Walrus]

As usual, I wish I know what the hell you are talking about.

You really need to watch Chappelle's Show's legendary bits about Prince and Rick James. Reference is around the 4 minute mark but you really gotta watch up to that point. Eddie Murphy's brother Charlie recounts real stories about meeting Prince and Rick James. They're legit two of the best comedic bits ever with Chappelle re-enacting the lead roles. https://youtu.be/ry2XlLKctiI

[Phoenix87x]

My minor marriage quibble for the day is how casually my wife can turn me down for sex. Yesterday afternoon I wanted her so badly. She looked great, we were talking and laughing and I felt really connected to her, but of course the kids were around so anything would have to wait. I went out for a little bit, but picked us up some ice cream on the way home (which read her mind as she almost texted me to pick some up). We're sitting and eating it while laughing at some funny YouTube videos and I must have done something to tip her off because she says "I have a book a really want to finish tonight, so no sex tonight. I hope you weren't thinking that ice cream was going to get you some." Well... Yes, that is actually what I was thinking, but thanks for the advance warning. I laughed it off at the time, but felt pretty rejected. I get it, she doesn't want sex as much as me and of course she has the right to say no. I love to read too so I can understand wanting to finish a good book. But I hate how casually she turns me down as if it's no big deal. Rejection hurts every time. I have literally never turned down her advances a single time in 13+ years and will likely never turn her down in the future. In the grand scheme of things it's not the end of the world, we'll probably do it tonight instead, but not wanting sex just doesn't compute in my brain.

None of my relationships went long enough to be denied sex, but I could imagine that being a really crappy feeling.

Reading what the people say on https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/  is really heartbreaking. Some have gone years with no sexual intimacy in their marriage/relationship.

[Stadler]

Hey guys, what are we talking about?   


All I can say to that is "walk a mile..."  It's amazing what can and does happen in real time.

[Northern Lion]

You know your wife, and I'm probably projecting, but that sounds like an invitation to a seduction to me. In your shoes, I would have feigned innocence an said, "Actually, I was just angling for a kiss." Then proceeded to give her a soft, lingering, book-forgetting kiss.

Every woman is different of course, but this works for me everytime.  Also, my wife is an avid follower of Dr. Laura, and she strongly advocates for men being able to get the sex they need from their wives, as long as it's not coming from a place of abuse.  So that's a win win for me! 

lordxizor, sorry man, that's a bummer.  I hope you got lucky last night. 

[lordxizor]

My minor marriage quibble for the day is how casually my wife can turn me down for sex. Yesterday afternoon I wanted her so badly. She looked great, we were talking and laughing and I felt really connected to her, but of course the kids were around so anything would have to wait. I went out for a little bit, but picked us up some ice cream on the way home (which read her mind as she almost texted me to pick some up). We're sitting and eating it while laughing at some funny YouTube videos and I must have done something to tip her off because she says "I have a book a really want to finish tonight, so no sex tonight. I hope you weren't thinking that ice cream was going to get you some." Well... Yes, that is actually what I was thinking, but thanks for the advance warning. I laughed it off at the time, but felt pretty rejected. I get it, she doesn't want sex as much as me and of course she has the right to say no. I love to read too so I can understand wanting to finish a good book. But I hate how casually she turns me down as if it's no big deal. Rejection hurts every time. I have literally never turned down her advances a single time in 13+ years and will likely never turn her down in the future. In the grand scheme of things it's not the end of the world, we'll probably do it tonight instead, but not wanting sex just doesn't compute in my brain.

None of my relationships went long enough to be denied sex, but I could imagine that being a really crappy feeling.

Reading what the people say on https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/  is really heartbreaking. Some have gone years with no sexual intimacy in their marriage/relationship.

We are certainly not at that point. Even at our worst we were having sex a couple times a month. We're up to a couple times a week now, which is great. But it still sucks to get rejected.

[cramx3]

You know your wife, and I'm probably projecting, but that sounds like an invitation to a seduction to me. In your shoes, I would have feigned innocence an said, "Actually, I was just angling for a kiss." Then proceeded to give her a soft, lingering, book-forgetting kiss.

Every woman is different of course, but this works for me everytime.  Also, my wife is an avid follower of Dr. Laura, and she strongly advocates for men being able to get the sex they need from their wives, as long as it's not coming from a place of abuse.  So that's a win win for me! 

lordxizor, sorry man, that's a bummer.  I hope you got lucky last night. 

My past x was like this.  Almost always denied sex immediately but if I kept teasing her eventually she'd get into the mood.  Once the relationship started souring, I stopped initiating and therefore the sex stopped completely.  That was the end.

[lordxizor]

You know your wife, and I'm probably projecting, but that sounds like an invitation to a seduction to me. In your shoes, I would have feigned innocence an said, "Actually, I was just angling for a kiss." Then proceeded to give her a soft, lingering, book-forgetting kiss.

Every woman is different of course, but this works for me everytime.  Also, my wife is an avid follower of Dr. Laura, and she strongly advocates for men being able to get the sex they need from their wives, as long as it's not coming from a place of abuse.  So that's a win win for me! 

lordxizor, sorry man, that's a bummer.  I hope you got lucky last night. 

My past x was like this.  Almost always denied sex immediately but if I kept teasing her eventually she'd get into the mood.  Once the relationship started souring, I stopped initiating and therefore the sex stopped completely.  That was the end.

I honestly don't think I want do to that, not would my wife likely be super receptive, depending on the moment. I want to respect her right to say no, but also get what I need. We've found a decent middle ground lately, but the reality for me is that I would want it almost every day and she's good with once a week. So somewhere in the middle needs to be ok.

[Stadler]

OK, want to be cognizant of a possible overshare here, but...

I'm not that guy.  I can be aggressive in my own way (meaning, I'm not looking to just lie there and eat ham sandwiches while she services me), but if I get even a WHIFF that she's not into it, either from a general desire aspect, or a particular act, I'm out.   The hard to get thing doesn't really work with me, if it's a cold, stand-offish hard to get, and if you're going to take one for the team, well, pretend like you're not.   

[lordxizor]

OK, want to be cognizant of a possible overshare here, but...

I'm not that guy.  I can be aggressive in my own way (meaning, I'm not looking to just lie there and eat ham sandwiches while she services me), but if I get even a WHIFF that she's not into it, either from a general desire aspect, or a particular act, I'm out.   The hard to get thing doesn't really work with me, if it's a cold, stand-offish hard to get, and if you're going to take one for the team, well, pretend like you're not.   

This is me too. I'm doing better at communicating my needs and she's been better at being willing over the last few months, but our desires are always going to be disproportionate. I have no interest in my wife reluctantly saying yes, but then just laying there while I do my thing (some of her friends do this for their husbands when they insist). I also have no interest in trying to convince her if she's not into it. At the most I'll say "are you sure?" when she says no. Sex is a mutual thing to me all the way. She has to want it and be into it for it to be fully satisfying to me. Also an overshare, but there are times when she's willing to please me, but isn't really terribly interested in her own pleasure, and while that is nice, it's ultimately less satisfying than us both... ummm... finishing.

[jingle.boy]

Boy oh boy... some of you have nothing to complain about.  There is a much larger chasm between the my and mrs.jingle's sex drive than anyone else here is articulating. Twice a week?? ... yeah, that's never happened in the jingle.marriage.

[cramx3]

Dude... that's pretty upsetting to hear.

[Northern Lion]

Boy oh boy... some of you have nothing to complain about.  There is a much larger chasm between the my and mrs.jingle's sex drive than anyone else here is articulating. Twice a week?? ... yeah, that's never happened in the jingle.marriage.

Don't feel bad, even though I said what I said, my wife and I don't have sex every week either, let alone every other day.  Lordxizor, you are a blessed man  .

Normally though, with our large family, we're just too tired.  And I won't pretend that my labido is what it was when I was 20.  Plus, when she's been pregnant or nursing we completely obstain, only because it's uncomfortable for her.  And when it's "that time of the month"  We don't do it then either, which I'm totally fine with.

So, 2-3 times a month is generally the norm.  But sometimes we go longer than that.  But I'm OK with it.  I still love that woman to death!

I don't think in order to have a good and healthy marriage you need to be Jack rabbits. 

[cramx3]

Well the alarming part of Jingle's post was the "never" part.  As in, implying when he was younger that wasn't the case either.  I feel like every relationship I've been you have lots of sex at first and it dies down over time, but should never fully diminish.  Kids, life, age all get in the way, but I don't think I could even start a relationship if there wasn't good consistent sex.

On the other end of things, as a single guy in mid 30s, my sexual appetite is not what it used to be, but it seems the females I've dated don't have that issue.  It's actually reverse.  The girl I'm currently seeing will have sex non stop if I were able to.

[lordxizor]

Boy oh boy... some of you have nothing to complain about.  There is a much larger chasm between the my and mrs.jingle's sex drive than anyone else here is articulating. Twice a week?? ... yeah, that's never happened in the jingle.marriage.

In fairness, since my first kid was born 11 years ago we averaged twice a month with her basically never responding to me initiating. About three months ago, after a night of me going to bed furious with her for turning me down, we had a big talk about sex, my desires, her desires, etc and increased the frequency quite a bit. Too much for her to sustain unfortunately. We've sort few backed off to twice a week now, though 3-4 times a week would be about right for me. I am thrilled that she's been willing to do as much as she has, but frankly I'm disappointed that we've slowed down from where we were a couple months ago. It was fun as hell... though it did result in an oops pregnancy. Baby #4 here we come!

Normally though, with our large family, we're just too tired.  And I won't pretend that my labido is what it was when I was 20.  Plus, when she's been pregnant or nursing we completely obstain, only because it's uncomfortable for her.  And when it's "that time of the month"  We don't do it then either, which I'm totally fine with.

Too tired isn't an excuse for me (I can still be in the mood even when very tired) but it certainly is for her. Yikes, you abstain the entire time she's pregnant or nursing? That's a long freaking time!! Thankfully my wife gets horny as hell during the second trimester (I've got that to look forward to in a month or two). And she's actually be surprisingly willing these first few weeks since we found out. Though that's largely due to me asking for it a lot. And I'm definitely not interested during that time of the month either.

[jingle.boy]

Well the alarming part of Jingle's post was the "never" part. 

"never" wasn't meant literally.  When dating, and when trying to get pregnant (immediately after we were married), and when she was pregnant, the frequency was multiple times a month or week.  For the bulk of our marriage, it was once a month.
 Over the last 5 years, there have been several times where it's been more than a couple of months without.  Lots of reasons, almost all to do with her hormones and drive (ie, lack thereof).

C'est la vie.

[Podaar]

I'm to the point that if Mrs. P gives me a come hither look, I usually ask, "Has it been four months already?"

I kid, I kid.

[lordxizor]

Well shit, maybe I don't have anything to complain about. Here I've felt deprived for years with only twice a month.

[hefdaddy42]

There are multiple reasons at play, but if I could get a guaranteed twice a month, I would be elated.

[Northern Lion]

I'm to the point that if Mrs. P gives me a come hither look, I usually ask, "Has it been four months already?"

I kid, I kid.

 

Well shit, maybe I don't have anything to complain about. Here I've felt deprived for year with only twice a month.

 ,  Like I said, you're a blessed man!

Oh, and just to be clear, my wife has never had a lot of luck breast feeding so that only lasts a few weeks.  And yeah, nine months without sex is difficult, but like many of you have said, respecting your woman and her body are of the utmost importance.

But, we're done having kids so I don't need to worry about that anymore.

And congrats on # 4!

[lordxizor]

And yeah, nine months without sex is difficult, but like many of you have said, respecting your woman and her body are of the utmost importance.

You know... this is something that I struggled with up until our sexual resurgence a few months ago. I felt like I was respecting my wife and her need for control (based on past shitty experiences unfortunately) and not pushing her too hard. But at the same time, I felt like my wife was not respecting me and my needs and I was frankly miserable. It was all one-way. Why were my needs less important than hers? I'm really glad we've improved, but frankly it has led to some of our worst conflict and dredging up of old pain for her. But in the end it's for the best I think. We're still a work in progress. I'll be very curious where things end up after the baby comes and we settle into our new normal at that point.

[Northern Lion]

I agree, your needs are important too.  And I imagine you certainly don't want to feel guilty asking for sex.  And rejection doesn't feel good either.  And I think sometimes women don't understand how much of a need this is for most men.

At least you talked about it, so that's good.

[lordxizor]

And I think sometimes women don't understand how much of a need this is for most men.

No, they definitely don't. I literally searched online for how to handle sexual rejection better, but came across several things written toward women telling them the emotional toll their sexual rejection is taking on their husbands. I found similar things in two different books on sex that we were gifted when we got married. I've explained to my wife multiple times over the last few months that sex is not just about me getting off. It's about connecting with her and making her feel good. Those things are as important as my own pleasure. She still doesn't fully believe me.

[jingle.boy]

If you haven't yet, Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman ... for many men, Physical Touch *is* the language of love.  True, intimate, unconditional *love*.  And that doesn't just mean intercourse.  It's all forms of physical intimacy.  For mrs.jingle, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are 1a and 1b.

The issue is for most people, we express love in the means that we would most want to receive it.  It's tantamount to a French man and Italian woman trying to communicate.  Man speaks French; woman doesn't understand.  And vice versa.  A lot of times couples don't know what love language we speak, let alone know how to speak it back in return.  I try to give her quality time, and lots of positivity, but it's not my natural language.  In turn, physical intimacy is not her native language.

In the jingle example, she doesn't understand why I don't value time together the way that she does... or why I don't appreciate all of the nice things she says.  I do, but I'd appreciate a hummer a helluva lot more, and feel far more connected to, and loved by, her.  I say that partly tongue in cheek (pun fully intended).

[Stadler]

Well the alarming part of Jingle's post was the "never" part.  As in, implying when he was younger that wasn't the case either.  I feel like every relationship I've been you have lots of sex at first and it dies down over time, but should never fully diminish.  Kids, life, age all get in the way, but I don't think I could even start a relationship if there wasn't good consistent sex.

On the other end of things, as a single guy in mid 30s, my sexual appetite is not what it used to be, but it seems the females I've dated don't have that issue.  It's actually reverse.  The girl I'm currently seeing will have sex non stop if I were able to.

If I'm offending anyone I apologize, I am just relating my experience, as I have before in the "Lonely Hearts" thread.  As the kids say, "your mileage may vary".   

When I divorced - I was 45 - I spent a fair amount of time "coming up for air", so to speak, meeting people, talking with anyone who would respond, and even dabbling in a little dating.  There was a rich vein of women - roughly late 30's to mid- to late 40's - who were married young, found out the star quarterback was cool at 22 but was a neanderthal at 42, and were looking for something different.  These were smart, attractive women, many of them good loving moms, but were just done with the weekend warriors who still thought they were Vince Vaughn.   I didn't, for various reasons (not all of which I'm proud of) partake that much, but provided you were adult about it, discrete about it, and respectful about it, there was rock star levels of intimacy to be had.   

I'm not saying every woman is like this, or even most.  But more than a handful, and for me it seemed to be a fairly recurring pattern.   

[cramx3]

Yea, I know you've stated that before and it was honestly on the back of my mind writing that.  Some of the girls mid 30s I've dated have sex drives that are insane.  This current lady and a few from the last time I was single are the only times I've had females constantly initiating.  It's really nice at first, but there's been times I have to hold back and my organ just can't keep playing    It's kind of weird how the tables have turned

[The Walrus]

Frank from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia would like to have a few words with you married folk about casaba melons.

[Northern Lion]

 

[King Postwhore]

My buddy just got divorced and he has at least 3 women sending videos of them pleasuring themselves.   

He's living the life right now but at 52 the stamina.  Lol

[King Postwhore]

[wolfking]

I can say I've never had my partner ever knock me back.  I knock her back more like it as her sex drive is pretty up there and always has been.  Sometimes I've struggled to keep up.  Things are the best ever now even after being together for years but twice a week is normal.  I've always though tried to make sure her needs are met, one way or another.  I could never have sex without her being satisfied or fulfilled.  I make sure that's done one way or another before finishing.

I feel for you guys that get knocked back and whatnot.  For me, if that was happening, I believe there would be a deeper problem.

[Orbert]

I'm 58 this year, and I can tell you from personal experience that various parts of the human body simply stop working as well as they did when you were younger.  It doesn't help that both myself and my wife have various medical conditions and procedures (coronary bypass for each of us, plus a few others for each of us).  The result is that we love each other very much, and express it in various ways, but the physical expression is just plain strenuous and exhausting for both of us, so it doesn't happen a lot.

On the other hand, I'm a musician.  I can do fucking amazing things with my hands and fingers, and she would agree.  Too much information?  No, I think that's exactly enough.   

[TAC]

I'm just going to pretend that this page never fucking happened.