I've just got to chime in on the tantrum issue. Like with many parents, out of control behavior/crying/tantrums was a huge challenge for me. I was never allowed to behave that way as a child and would've likely been spanked/smacked across the face as a result. And because of that form of discipline (the word 'discipline' actually means 'to teach' BTW) I was never taught how to manage my big emotions....something I still struggle with as adult. Something I'd wager more than just a few of us here have difficulty with after reading the parenting/advice thread. And to be clear, I don't blame my parents. They learned it from their parents and back and back and back. Blame is a dead end street when it comes to parenting.
So as parents we spend a lot of time teaching our children basic skills - crawling, walking, eating with utensils, using the toilet, using words, sleeping in a bed. And yet the thought of taking time to teach children how to manage their big emotions (remember their brains are lacking the prefrontal cortex where higher functioning, impulse control, the notion of consequences for actions resides) by forcing them to do it on their own. Put the kid in time out. Ignore them when they act out. Shun them when they act up. In some cases dole out corporal punishment. It doesn't make sense to me that we expect toddlers to have their emotional all figured out and how to handle them when they crop up - which is like every 2 seconds, right? It takes a lot of time and effort and parents are fucking tired. I get it, I've been there. But I postulate that it is every bit as important to teach your toddler how to handle their big emotions as it is to teach them how to use the toilet (another thing that takes a lot of time and effort) and is worth every single second of time you put into it.
Now I'm expecting people will think I believe we should just let tantruming children run amok in restaurants and not step in. This is not at all what I'm suggesting. I'm suggesting that removing the child from the public place to preserve peace for others is just the first step. The second step is helping the child calm down and letting the child know that you understand that big emotion they are experiencing and that you are there to help them figure out a better way to manage it than screaming like a banshee in a restaurant. And being prepared to do this about a hundred times. You have to be willing to "be with" your child in their emotions. You meet them where they are at and help them until they can manage on their own. In this process they learn they can trust you to help them cope with problems down the line and they won't be shunned away. It gives you the opportunity to teach them that the world won't stop every time they have a big emotion but you as their parent will be there with them when they feel out of control.
I was talking to one of my kids the other day about how it is important to look at parenting with a long-term lens. The goal is to form functioning adults in a world full of landmines. We are here to set our children up for success and part of that is to teach them the skills they need to navigate their emotions - and to ask for help when they struggle with this. So while it is easier to send a kid to their room for a time out in the moment, if the long term goal is to teach that kid how to behave better, they aren't going to learn that alone up in their room. And just maybe alone up in their room, they are going to turn to an outside source to learn from, like social media.
Topic: What pissed you off today? (Read 124568 times)
