Thoughts?

[Stadler]

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/loved-fiance-brain-cancer-diagnosis-095634976.html?.tsrc=daily_mail&uh_test=0_00

[El Barto]

That is partly why I wanted to write this article, because it’s very easy for society to make judgments, but in situations like this there aren’t clear-cut right and wrongs. Sometimes we need to remember we can’t judge someone when we are not in their shoes.

Sounds about right.

Honestly, if they remain close friends I don't see much of a difference. She's not ignoring him and she didn't run off to bang other guys. She just provided a bit of insulation that she feels she needs. I gather she's still going to be around until he croaks.


edit: That said, she didn't mention anything at all about his support network, and that matters a great deal. If she was all he had then I'll move wholly into the "she's a worthless cunt" camp, which I suspect will already be quite crowded.

[Chino]

Everyone is free to do what they want to make themselves happy. That being said, I couldn't imagine a scenario in which I did what that woman did.   

[lordxizor]

I think she handled the situation fine. She doesn't discuss her future life goals in the article. If having kids and a family is one of those goals, sticking with a dying man who need considerable care for 5+ years isn't really going to allow that to happen. And honestly, if her life goals are to travel, be active, etc, that wouldn't be possible either.

Now, I think if they were already married, this would be a whole different story. We marry for better or worse and don't get to cut and run when things get tough.

[Lonk]

That's tough. I personally don't see myself doing that if I was in that situation, but I understand I guess. She's doing what she thinks is right for her, so can't blame her.

I think she handled the situation fine. She doesn't discuss her future life goals in the article. If having kids and a family is one of those goals, sticking with a dying man who need considerable care for 5+ years isn't really going to allow that to happen. And honestly, if her life goals are to travel, be active, etc, that wouldn't be possible either.

This is where I don't agree with her take. I met my SO when I was 21, so I was still pretty young. But the moment we got together, and I figured it was for the long run, my life goals shifted to include her in it. And any changes that happened along the way was considering her part in it. I get that this is a tragic situation, and she's doing what she feels is best for her but I just can't see myself doing what she did.

[gmillerdrake]

Everyone is free to do what they want to make themselves happy. That being said, I couldn't imagine a scenario in which I did what that woman did.

Pretty much this. It's tough to believe I or for that matter most of the people I know would do something like that. But, at the same time.....people do a lot of stuff everyday I couldn't imagine myself doing. So, while I personally believe this was a dick move on her part....she seems pretty convinced she did what was best so that's that.

[Adami]

Sad story.

[Chino]

Everyone is free to do what they want to make themselves happy. That being said, I couldn't imagine a scenario in which I did what that woman did.

Pretty much this. It's tough to believe I or for that matter most of the people I know would do something like that. But, at the same time.....people do a lot of stuff everyday I couldn't imagine myself doing. So, while I personally believe this was a dick move on her part....she seems pretty convinced she did what was best so that's that.

Maybe I'm being cynical, but I read the piece as her possibly feeling guilt ridden and looking for validation.

[El Barto]

Sad story.

ISWYDT

[hefdaddy42]

She has a lot of nerve running a race in his honor.

[Adami]

Sad story.

ISWYDT

Honestly I was just giving my thoughts. I guess my original thoughts was that I was surprised to see Stads posting something like this thread in the first place since this will literally just be people judging someone.

[El Barto]

Sad story.

ISWYDT

Honestly I was just giving my thoughts. I guess my original thoughts was that I was surprised to see Stads posting something like this thread in the first place since this will literally just be people judging someone.

Yep. And you were choosing to recognize the situation without participating in the judging. I'm good with that. 

[El Barto]

I, on the other hand, will participate in the judging. 

I can't know how I'd react when the time comes, but from the cozy confines of my office chair, I don't think I'd want the woman I love to spend the next few years of her life being miserable alongside me. While her actions might be selfish, if he were insistent that she be beside him the whole time I'd consider that equally selfish.

[lordxizor]

While her actions might be selfish, if he were insistent that she be beside him the whole time I'd consider that equally selfish.

This is a very good point. If I were the man, I would probably end things with her because I know I can't be the man she wanted and can't give her the life she wants.

[TAC]

Sad story.

Yeah this.

Since they weren’t married, I guess she didn’t feel morally bound to “…in sickness and in health…”

[Stadler]

Sad story.

ISWYDT

Honestly I was just giving my thoughts. I guess my original thoughts was that I was surprised to see Stads posting something like this thread in the first place since this will literally just be people judging someone.

I posted it because I grew up in a "in for a penny, in for a pound" household.   My mom married my dad when he was a stallion.  He rode motorcycles.  He built houses.   He ran his own business.   He was a man's man in every way.   Then he got sick; he got debilitating arthritis, and for a while, until medical technology caught up, he was basically helpless.  And they stayed together until both passed this past year.   

I had a friend in high school; beautiful girl, smart, successful, and she met a guy that was a dream for her on every level.   A couple months before her wedding, he got into a car accident and has been confined to a wheelchair, paralyzed from the chest down ever since.   She went through with the wedding; they have kids (I think; I don't know the process there) and are married to this day. 

So there's that.  But I'm open to this; if that's what's right for them, I'm not going to judge.  Bruce Dickinson, I think, found himself on the opposite side of that.

But I couldn't get this out of my head:

Maybe I'm being cynical, but I read the piece as her possibly feeling guilt ridden and looking for validation.

And that kicked off the judgement.  Do it and be done with it.  Own it. Move on.  Maybe my indictment of this is about social media not her, but I can't help thinking that she's not as okay with this as she professes, and maybe that element of selfishness, of needing validation, is stronger than it seems.

[El Barto]

Maybe I'm being cynical, but I read the piece as her possibly feeling guilt ridden and looking for validation.

And that kicked off the judgement.  Do it and be done with it.  Own it. Move on.  Maybe my indictment of this is about social media not her, but I can't help thinking that she's not as okay with this as she professes, and maybe that element of selfishness, of needing validation, is stronger than it seems.

As she said, it was a terrible outcome no matter her choice. I've got no problem with her seeking validation in a decision she no doubt feels awful about. I'm not sure this is necessarily an "own it" kind of thing. She took the practical/pragmatic approach, but that shouldn't necessarily stop her from feeling awful about it, or even second guessing her decision.

[King Postwhore]

While I understand her thought process, I don't agree with what she did. 

 
We live in a "Me" society. We put ourselves first instead of being selfless.  I think if you invest in a person, move in with that person, fall in love saying this is the relationship I can end with, at least help him through this tough patch.   She invested when she had control of the narrative, when she lost control of that, It's the easy way out not to be there through the tough times.

In the end she would have left so maybe cutting off was best for her, but still being friends isn't as supportive for a person going through a life of death situation and the hard battle to get any motor skills back. 

I do understand the relationship would never be the same but leaving him right after the surgery seems to be the worst timing for support.

[Dublagent66]

I've been there as some of you may know.  Lost my gf to cancer nearly 7 years ago.  No, she wasn't my fiance, but we did live together and had plans for the future.  Leaving her never crossed my mind for a second.  Even up until the moment I held her hand as she died.

If the couple in the article were engaged to be married, then she was already committed to "for better or worse" and "in sickness and in health".  If she even felt the slightest amount of guilt about her decision, then she made the wrong one.  Or, she never loved him in the first place, which is a distinct possibility regardless of what she claims.

Some people love conditionally and when conditions change, so do their feelings.

[Ben_Jamin]

I'll say that this plays into "What are you willing to do and sacrifice for your love?"

From the looks of it, they're young and their relationship is still new as well. This is when problems arise when you begin to postulate the future and what you feel it should be. This relates to struggles and situations that will always arise during a relationship. The issue becomes, how much effort are you willing to put into maintaining the relationship?

My issue is, if she has this mindset off the bat with him being disgnosed with a life illness, rather than trying to put effort into maintaining that relationship, she would rather just throw it all away. If she did this, who is to say some other issue could've came up down the line, would she then put in effort to keep the relationship going?

She is willing to throw it all away, just because she has to face struggles and deal with these, make sacrifices such as not being able to do as what they both planned and saw their future being, life does not work that way and life brings tough times, life does not always go as you dream, this is the reality of life. So will you accept this change and try to make it work? Will you accept that life does not always turn out as imagined and that what you think the future will be is not set in stone, because reality and life just doesn't work how you want it to?

It shouldn't matter if you're married or not, having a connection and relationship with another human is caring for one another. Companionship in sickness is another one. This is how you show love, this is how you show one another you care.

Sometimes, it takes the face first smack into the wall of reality for people to realize and think about what they truly desire and want.

[Harmony]

I have learned to never judge a relationship when you are not one of the people IN the relationship.  Based on the story, we have very little to go on as to what talks they had over the years, what their goals were, what their discussions were like as he discovered his cancer.  Just a few sentences do not encapsulate everything within their relationship.

As to judging her venting her spleen (as they say) on social media.  Yeah, that probably wouldn't be my choice because people on the internet are judgmental pricks.  But perhaps she's thinking - hey other people are out there having to grapple with decisions like this.  Maybe my POV would be helpful to them.  IDK

Cancer is a lonely diagnosis and much of the support is rightfully given to the person with the diagnosis.  Very little thought is given to the main support people in their lives.  Caregiving is the hardest job there is, especially when you are doing it for someone you love. 

[Stadler]

I have learned to never judge a relationship when you are not one of the people IN the relationship.  Based on the story, we have very little to go on as to what talks they had over the years, what their goals were, what their discussions were like as he discovered his cancer.  Just a few sentences do not encapsulate everything within their relationship.

As to judging her venting her spleen (as they say) on social media.  Yeah, that probably wouldn't be my choice because people on the internet are judgmental pricks.  But perhaps she's thinking - hey other people are out there having to grapple with decisions like this.  Maybe my POV would be helpful to them.  IDK

Cancer is a lonely diagnosis and much of the support is rightfully given to the person with the diagnosis.  Very little thought is given to the main support people in their lives.  Caregiving is the hardest job there is, especially when you are doing it for someone you love.

This is truth.   

[El Barto]

Cancer is a lonely diagnosis and much of the support is rightfully given to the person with the diagnosis.  Very little thought is given to the main support people in their lives.  Caregiving is the hardest job there is, especially when you are doing it for someone you love.

Truth. My old man has gone off his nut. When I call up there to check in I always ask his wife how she's doing, and remind her at the end of the call to take care of herself. He's demented. He's happy as a clam. She's the one that really needs support, AFAIC. She's got the hard part.

With them in mind, she's never going to leave him. She's a tough gal and she'll see it through. At the same time, if my pop understood the situation he'd almost certainly drive off into the woods and blow his brains out for her benefit. That was actually his plan, but the tricky thing about dementia is that you don't really know it's coming until you're beyond the point of being able to follow up on your intentions. I have no idea what the situation is with the guy in the article, whether he's got anybody else to lean on, but I do maintain that he shouldn't be dragging somebody down with him. If she wants to stay he should let her. If she can't handle it, he should push her overboard.

[TAC]

Bruce Dickinson, I think, found himself on the opposite side of that.

What's this?

[Stadler]

Bruce Dickinson, I think, found himself on the opposite side of that.

What's this?

Didn't he make it all the way through his cancer diagnosis and treatment and recovery... then leave Paddy, his wife?  She later was found dead in a "tragic accident" in her home, but still.

[wolfking]

She has a lot of nerve running a race in his honor.

My first thought too.  Couldn't believe when I read that.

[wolfking]

We were both so sure the relationship was right, we told each other during our second date: “This is it.” We had got together during the pandemic, in summer 2020, me aged 30, him 34, and when the second lockdown was announced I asked him to move in. Although it was still early in our relationship, it didn’t feel too soon.

Living together in High Barnet, north London, we grew even closer, quicker than we might have done otherwise. Both of us were working from home, isolated from others, and spending all our time together. I always think that a great way of telling if you have a good relationship is if you feel like you’re a better person when you’re with your partner. I felt that with Jelle. He challenged me to be kinder, more aware of what is going on in the world, more curious. I was so happy and felt so lucky to have met this amazing man.

Well, she was obviously full of shit then wasn't she?