Author Topic: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon  (Read 5952 times)

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Offline jingle.boy

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #175 on: December 28, 2018, 04:50:20 AM »
I too asked FIL for 'permission'.  mrs.jingle was still living at home, and FIL/MIL went to work together every morning at like 5am.  One night when I was staying over about a week before I popped the question, I got up early and left at the same time.  In the driveway as they're about to get in the car, I ask... and his response?  "Talk to her mother".

 :rollin :rollin

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« Last Edit: December 28, 2018, 08:06:50 AM by jingle.boy »
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Offline Nekov

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #176 on: December 28, 2018, 05:08:12 AM »
 :rollin :rollin :rollin :rollin
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Offline Podaar

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #177 on: December 28, 2018, 09:17:00 AM »
Yeah, so, at our solstice party last Friday, daughter #2's live in beau asked for my blessing for him to marry her. It was very awkward because I don't really know the guy well, he's ten years older than her, on disability, and works a crummy minimum wage job. All that being said, he seems nice enough and daughter2 seems happier than she's been in many a year. Part of that, I suspect, is that her boyfriend has a two-year old son and she really digs taking care of the boy.

I told him that I don't think it's my role (or right) to approve or disapprove of my adult children's choices but that I'm pleased she seems happy with him. That's enough for me.

Then, then, SMH...after the dinner, everyone was having fun chatting, joking, and digesting. This guy (who barely knows any of us) wants to make a toast and gets half the room's attention (keep in mind there are eighteen of us). Well my two youngest granddaughters (at the other end of the table) are messing around, singing Christmas carols in funny voices to the amusement of the adults at that end. This guy proceeds to yell, angrily, "SHUT UP! I need your attention!"

He made his toast (to the military) and everyone, pretty shocked and subdued now, responds woodenly. The party moved on and we wound up having a good evening in spite of it.

Here's the hard part: Mrs. P and I never yell at anyone. We have never raised a hand in violence to any of our kids...we never really had to. A disapproving look and quiet one-on-one lecture was all that we ever needed to curb behavior we don't approve of. Our philosophy is that family, and especially our home, should be a safe place to enjoy each other's company free of fear and strife. A safe shore from the trials of the larger world, so to speak.

So, what do I do with this guy? My plan is to take him aside and explain the above to him and point out that the family looks to me to ensure the peace. That I expect him to respect our ways if he plans to be included in our family gatherings.

But then, it occurred to me this morning (at 2:00 am in the dark). If he's willing to dominate and yell at near total strangers, how is he treating my daughter when no one is around? She's thirty years old. Do I have the right to stick my nose in and ask?


Offline cramx3

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #178 on: December 28, 2018, 09:23:45 AM »
Was he drunk?  Just wondering if that could play into why he would yell at two children he doesn't know well.  I grew up in a house with a lot of yelling so I don't think that would phase me too much personally, but being children you hardly know, that definitely would trigger me as well.  Since you mention your house being a safe zone, I think it's safe to say you should have that talk with him to make him aware of it.  Now that he asked for your permission you can ask him to play by the rules in your house.  I think that's fair.

Offline Podaar

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #179 on: December 28, 2018, 09:34:41 AM »
Nah, interestingly enough, he doesn't drink. I've gotten the impression that it's due to some religious restriction, although I've never been around him enough to ask.

Offline Dr. DTVT

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #180 on: December 28, 2018, 10:23:38 AM »
I asked my father-in-law for his permission/blessing.  But I waited until after I actually proposed to my wife lol

What’s that saying, “it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission”?
     

Offline jingle.boy

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #181 on: December 28, 2018, 11:01:19 AM »
I grew up in a house with a lot of yelling so I don't think that would phase me too much personally, but being children you hardly know, that definitely would trigger me as well.  Since you mention your house being a safe zone, I think it's safe to say you should have that talk with him to make him aware of it.  Now that he asked for your permission you can ask him to play by the rules in your house.  I think that's fair.

Agree with both of Marc's points here.  mrs.jingle grew up in a house where anger was expressed thru volume.  Me... not so much, and it's been a very significant point of contention and struggle for both of us our entire marriage.  She thinks it's normal and doesn't have good control over it sometimes; to me, yelling/shouting is borderline intolerable, and often a trigger for my depression.  I digress...

Your future SIL could simply not have any perspective or second thought that volume isn't acceptable.  I'd just as concerned with the 'shut up' part.  That's just kinda rude.  But... again, could be a matter of his perspective/upbringing where he thinks that behaviour is normal.
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Offline TAC

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #182 on: December 28, 2018, 05:24:23 PM »
I told him that I don't think it's my role (or right) to approve or disapprove of my adult children's choices

Sounds like a NO to me! :lol

I have been married twice and I never even considered asking my future FIL'(s) permission.
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Offline Orbert

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #183 on: December 28, 2018, 09:00:06 PM »
My wife's father had died a few years before I met her, so he was never in the picture.  Her mom liked me, so I had that going for me.  They both said that he would have liked me, and would have approved.  I guess that's good to know.

Offline Stadler

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #184 on: December 29, 2018, 09:22:27 AM »
So, what do I do with this guy? My plan is to take him aside and explain the above to him and point out that the family looks to me to ensure the peace. That I expect him to respect our ways if he plans to be included in our family gatherings.

I would absolutely have that conversation.   If he wants to be part of the family, he needs to know the vibe, the culture, the temperament of the family.  I had no problem sitting my step-daughter's son down and having that conversation.   (He didn't listen, and basically lied right to our faces, but now I digress...)

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But then, it occurred to me this morning (at 2:00 am in the dark). If he's willing to dominate and yell at near total strangers, how is he treating my daughter when no one is around? She's thirty years old. Do I have the right to stick my nose in and ask?

It's your daughter.  You have the right to ask her anything you want; she, of course, has the right to not answer, but you have the right - nay, I would say the OBLIGATION - to make sure her well-being is being preserved.   

My opinion only.

Offline hefdaddy42

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #185 on: January 02, 2019, 09:04:13 AM »
I agree with ^Stadler^
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Offline bosk1

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #186 on: January 02, 2019, 09:22:17 AM »
Same here.  To me, there's little harm in having the conversation, and potentially plenty to gain by either (1) him taking it to heart, (2) him rejecting it and exposing himself to be a jerk, (3) the two of you not agreeing, but at least coming to a bit of an understanding of one another, or (4) something else I haven't thought of. 

And I wouldn't necessarily assume that just because he raised his voice to kids that he might be mistreating your daughter.  He may just, for example, view the two situations as completely different and feel that children need to be quiet and automatically snap to attention whenever adults are speaking, but have no such similar thought process relating to your daughter or any other adult.  I'm not defending it, but just saying that there could be a lot of different ways to look at it that are not necessarily him potentially mistreating your daughter.  You don't know until you try having the "friendly" conversation.

EDIT:  And I just thought of something else I will add as well.  I have no doubt whatsoever of your ability to have a respectful "man-to-man" conversation that is not in any way inappropriate.  Unfortunately, that does NOT guarantee that it will be received well.  If it isn't and the relationship between you and he becomes a bit icy as a result, I wouldn't take it personally.  If he sticks around and is indeed a good guy who is even slightly inclined to be introspective, it just may be that right now, he is not mature enough or otherwise ready to receive the message, for whatever reason.  But he may very well reach a point later in life where he reflects back on it and, as a result, comes to have a VERY high degree of respect for you for saying something.
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Offline Podaar

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #187 on: January 02, 2019, 11:50:46 AM »
Thanks for your thoughtful replies, folks. It probably won't surprise you that I came to the same conclusions myself and fully intend to have the conversation with him. I also intend confirm with my daughter that our home is, as always, a safe place should she ever need it (which I'm sure she already knows).

So far, the opportunity hasn't come up, since we've not been with them since the 21st.

Offline MoraWintersoul

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #188 on: January 04, 2019, 05:17:18 AM »
Well, I think that tradition has mostly died out. In this days of women fighting for their rights and their freedom it's just weird to ask her parents for permission like she was some kind of object they could deny. I know it's mostly a symbolic thing, but it still rubs me the wrong way.

No argument; I totally get that.  It's more of a family thing though.  I think "blessing" is more accurate than "permission".  In my case, her ex treated her like a bag of trash, and so I wanted to send the message that if nothing else, I was going to treat her and her family with a level of respect that they might not have seen before.
Yeah, pretty much just "hey, I'm hoping to become a part of your family and I respect you".

Podaar, he might just come from a yelling family, but in any case he needs to know you're not a yelling family. Also reinforce to your daughter that she can always come to you, with any problem. Some people don't like complaining about their SOs to their parents, because time goes by and your relationship improves but your mom or dad is still mad at your boy/girlfriend  :biggrin: but hopefully she knows how to differentiate between complaints that need to be logged with the parents and those that don't.

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Offline Nekov

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #189 on: March 15, 2019, 06:51:36 PM »
So, this happened  :D



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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #190 on: March 15, 2019, 08:29:19 PM »
Congrats!! That's so exciting. How did the proposal go?

Offline Orbert

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #191 on: March 15, 2019, 09:39:42 PM »
Congratulations!

Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #192 on: March 16, 2019, 08:33:05 AM »
Congrats!  :tup    Very Exciting..
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Offline Nekov

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #193 on: March 16, 2019, 01:25:24 PM »
Congrats!! That's so exciting. How did the proposal go?
It was a bit of a mess  :lol. I was nervous and kinda improvised what I said, she got super nervous when I did it and was too surprised to be immediately happy, but all in all it was good. We are both very happy  :smiley:
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Offline Stadler

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #194 on: March 18, 2019, 08:28:19 AM »
I sort of misread that picture.  I took it as you pulled some unsuspecting girl into a hedge and stole her ring.  But congratulations anyway!  :)

Offline Nekov

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Re: The ridiculous 'tradition' of buying a overpriced chunk of carbon
« Reply #195 on: March 18, 2019, 10:20:26 AM »
I sort of misread that picture.  I took it as you pulled some unsuspecting girl into a hedge and stole her ring.  But congratulations anyway!  :)

 :lol Thanks Stads  :smiley:
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