"...we will not be considering you now, or in the future, for any position with our firm. Considering the extraordinary number of applications we receive each day, we typically do not respond with rejection letters of this kind. However, in your case we decided to make an exception. A couple of points that we feel may help you in the future when trying to seek gainful employment are noted as follows:
1. We do not consider Amazon feedback to be a reliable example of "critical thinking".
2. We do not now, or in the future expect to hire someone who can "make strawberry Quick for the entire office".
3. eBay feedback is not a relevant reference.
4. Likewise, "the people at DTF can vouch for me" shouldn't be considered either.
5. During the gaps of employment on your resume, it doesn't fool anyone when you say, "I was a secret spy, and am prevented by law of discussing this period in my life."
6. Your "DTF post count" is not considered an acceptable measureable accomplishment.
7. On our application when we ask "What are you most proud of?" we are actually referencing career accomplishments. "My dick girth", is not an acceptable answer on so many levels.
We wish you the best in all of your future endeavors and suggest that perhaps a job at Subway, or maybe even an enlistment in the French Foreign Legion might prove to be a better fit for you.
Regards, HR"