Dating. Ugh... Just the thought of it makes me exhausted. Gonna try to summarize as part of the venting process and not to get too wordy but it'll probably be long anyway. Feel free to not pay attention to this.
Rural town of 13k people, nothing really going on here, the kind of place where people get married and have kids right after high school (or during...). College... some people go to the nearby university, some go to community college (like me), some people just don't go at all and most of them live just fine. It's a whole other world from city life or even suburbs. But I spent my 20s single, right after my 21st birthday. Had some flings, occasionally attracted to people, but nothing that ever hit me like my last serious relationship. Feels like "been there, done that" as far as loving someone, so on one hand I'd love to share time and experiences and personal thoughts/discussions with someone... on the other, I feel like what's the point. I'll be 30 in January. Around here, that's like signing off on your 'forever alone' card.
So I had some conversations with some of my best female friends and we came to the conclusion that I should try online dating just to see who's out there. But there's a whole mess of problems there, one of which is that I need some photos of myself but I just don't think I take good photos. I've had ladies compliment my appearance, my guy friends bust my balls over my beard and hair and general "metalhead look", and my poor self image (super self conscious about every part of my body), it's a disaster right from the start because I can't find or take any photos where I think, damn, I look at least okay. Always finding something about myself to hate. It doesn't help that I feel and look horribly uncomfortable in stuff like dress shirts and button downs and stylish clothing, with my metalhead look (which I LIKE, I LOVE my beard and my hair, and other people seem to, as well).
And on top of all that, my hobbies are all solitary. I grew up learning to entertain myself, spending summer vacations alone, even when my siblings were around 'cause they'd be playing with their friends. So now I'm going to be 30 soon and I just don't know how to interact with women without becoming someone that I'm not. Hell I can't be around my best friends for more than a couple of hours without needing to go home to recharge my batteries, so to speak.
I don't want to be lonely, but I want someone who understands introversion and the strong
need - not want - to have a lot of alone time. And I feel like not many of those people are in the dating realm, because they feel just like I do.
Just had to get that off my chest. I don't
mind being single forever... I have a piano, I have my means of entertaining myself and staying intellectually stimulated... but it sucks thinking there's something wrong with you while almost literally everybody else you've grown up with has found someone to be with, even in this small town we've never left. I'm not even picky about women... it just feels like I'm an outcast. Sometimes I think, jeeze, why can't I just like cars and football and Bud Light like every other guy around here... why do I have to like prog and power metal, nerdy shit like Lord of the Rings, be a pianist, be a guy who isn't exactly a 'tool guy'... y'know?
Wow if anybody read that I'm sorry but at least it feels better screaming into the void. At least I haven't resorted to doing cocaine with shady women every week like some friends of mine.
BTW if anyone's curious,
this is me, second from the left, with the blue shoes. Hanging with the guys from Labyrinth at ProgPower in 2018.