Author Topic: Parenting/marital advice  (Read 4578 times)

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Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #70 on: January 19, 2018, 10:57:34 AM »
I know for me and my daughter, it's more cerebral. We both love music, but at times very different music.   We both love movies, but have RADICALLY different criteria as to what makes a good movie.   We like sports, but other than football (and now hockey) there's little overlap. 

Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #71 on: January 20, 2018, 10:15:38 AM »
Forgive me for not remembering their ages, but have you taken any of your boys shooting yet? Kids have been hurt and instructors have been killed at gun ranges regardless of how safe their parents are trying to be. Is that much different? 

7, 10 and 11 and yes, I take them shooting often and given them proper instruction on fire arm safety. I get your point, accidents do happen but in light of the world around us I think having uneducated kids in the aspect of fire arms is a poor decision. Not meaning they should learn to protect themselves but meaning I don't want them finding a gun at someone else's house and then having a horrid accident AND I've removed the curiosity from them seeking to 'find' my weapons and mess with them as they know every couple months we'll be shooting anyway.

Gary... you know I love you more than most here on DTF, but this was so 'Murican.   :lol  More appropriate is "in light of the country around us".  And I totally get your points ... within the good ole U S of A.
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #72 on: January 22, 2018, 07:19:38 AM »
Forgive me for not remembering their ages, but have you taken any of your boys shooting yet? Kids have been hurt and instructors have been killed at gun ranges regardless of how safe their parents are trying to be. Is that much different? 

7, 10 and 11 and yes, I take them shooting often and given them proper instruction on fire arm safety. I get your point, accidents do happen but in light of the world around us I think having uneducated kids in the aspect of fire arms is a poor decision. Not meaning they should learn to protect themselves but meaning I don't want them finding a gun at someone else's house and then having a horrid accident AND I've removed the curiosity from them seeking to 'find' my weapons and mess with them as they know every couple months we'll be shooting anyway.

Gary... you know I love you more than most here on DTF, but this was so 'Murican.   :lol  More appropriate is "in light of the country around us".  And I totally get your points ... within the good ole U S of A.

I'm not sure why we would qualify this to "country".  As a general proposition, I feel Gary's point is applicable across the board:  if you use or own something - be it a gun, a car, a prescription drug, a fork, or a marital aide - you know how to use it safely and responsibly.   

Offline AngelBack

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #73 on: January 22, 2018, 07:34:19 AM »
On my 12th birthday my dad gave me a nickel plated bolt action .22 rifle. But he didn't give me the rifle and a box of bullets and tell me to go out and play.  We weren't rednecks by any stretch but I believe at one time if might have been a tradition or rite of passage in the south.  I was taught how to handle it safely.  I don't believe I was being put in a risky situation because of the gift.  But I'm sure if I had been a completely out of control brat at the time, I would not have gotten it.  Common sense parenting.
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #74 on: January 22, 2018, 07:47:57 AM »
On my 12th birthday my dad gave me a nickel plated bolt action .22 rifle. But he didn't give me the rifle and a box of bullets and tell me to go out and play.  We weren't rednecks by any stretch but I believe at one time if might have been a tradition or rite of passage in the south.  I was taught how to handle it safely.  I don't believe I was being put in a risky situation because of the gift.  But I'm sure if I had been a completely out of control brat at the time, I would not have gotten it.  Common sense parenting.

I had guns in my house all growing up.   They were locked in, of all places, our pool table (we had a coin-operated pool-hall table that was rigged so that you didn't need a quarter to release the balls, but the workings were all there, so you could take out the delivery chute and coin system).  Keys were hanging on the wall within 10 feet of the table.    The one rule:  under NO CIRCUMSTANCES were we to handle those weapons without Dad's approval and PRESENCE.  Of all the rules in the house - don't drink and drive, keep the vehicles on the road, use condoms, don't sass your mom - the only rule that my brother and I did not break was that rule about handling the weapons.   We were taught all we needed to know about handling a weapon (I later got my license to carry, though I let it lapse when I moved out of state) but part of that "handling" was keeping them locked and safe when not in use.   

I have four wonderful kids (three by marriage, one by birth), one of whom is a Private in the U.S. Army (now state National Guard) and has earned medals for his shooting prowess.   He, my wife, and I have talked about this, and because of my daughter (less about her, than her friends) and other son (10, on the autism spectrum and dealing with some significant behavior issues in addition to that) it is not responsible parenting or brother-ing (is that a word?) to have weapons in our homes.  So we don't.   Not sure  why any of this is controversial or subject to judgment.   

Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #75 on: January 22, 2018, 08:52:07 AM »
Forgive me for not remembering their ages, but have you taken any of your boys shooting yet? Kids have been hurt and instructors have been killed at gun ranges regardless of how safe their parents are trying to be. Is that much different? 

7, 10 and 11 and yes, I take them shooting often and given them proper instruction on fire arm safety. I get your point, accidents do happen but in light of the world around us I think having uneducated kids in the aspect of fire arms is a poor decision. Not meaning they should learn to protect themselves but meaning I don't want them finding a gun at someone else's house and then having a horrid accident AND I've removed the curiosity from them seeking to 'find' my weapons and mess with them as they know every couple months we'll be shooting anyway.

Gary... you know I love you more than most here on DTF, but this was so 'Murican.   :lol  More appropriate is "in light of the country around us".  And I totally get your points ... within the good ole U S of A.

I'm not sure why we would qualify this to "country".  As a general proposition, I feel Gary's point is applicable across the board:  if you use or own something - be it a gun, a car, a prescription drug, a fork, or a marital aide - you know how to use it safely and responsibly.

Fair enough... there is nothing wrong with it as a piece of parenting advice in general.  But personally, the fact that my children know jack-squat about firearms is not reflective of poor decision-making on my part as a parent.  It's simply not relevant in Canadian culture (by-and-large).  I don't know a single person that owns a gun of any type - now, maybe it's jut not talked about, but I'm fairly certain that's not the case with the majority of my friends/colleagues.  I doubt it is a priority for parents outside of the US.  Personally, it would fall right in between "how to avoid a hyena attack" and "what to do when lost in the jungle at night".

It's simply not relevant for me as a Canadian, so the comment of "the world around us" is what I disputed.  The world around *me* doesn't require firearm education.  I would bet next week's paycheque you could substitute Canada with any number of countries - Belgium, Australia, Sweden, Switzerland .... - and get the same perspective.
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #76 on: January 22, 2018, 09:27:14 AM »
Forgive me for not remembering their ages, but have you taken any of your boys shooting yet? Kids have been hurt and instructors have been killed at gun ranges regardless of how safe their parents are trying to be. Is that much different? 

7, 10 and 11 and yes, I take them shooting often and given them proper instruction on fire arm safety. I get your point, accidents do happen but in light of the world around us I think having uneducated kids in the aspect of fire arms is a poor decision. Not meaning they should learn to protect themselves but meaning I don't want them finding a gun at someone else's house and then having a horrid accident AND I've removed the curiosity from them seeking to 'find' my weapons and mess with them as they know every couple months we'll be shooting anyway.

Gary... you know I love you more than most here on DTF, but this was so 'Murican.   :lol  More appropriate is "in light of the country around us".  And I totally get your points ... within the good ole U S of A.

I'm not sure why we would qualify this to "country".  As a general proposition, I feel Gary's point is applicable across the board:  if you use or own something - be it a gun, a car, a prescription drug, a fork, or a marital aide - you know how to use it safely and responsibly.

Fair enough... there is nothing wrong with it as a piece of parenting advice in general.  But personally, the fact that my children know jack-squat about firearms is not reflective of poor decision-making on my part as a parent.  It's simply not relevant in Canadian culture (by-and-large).  I don't know a single person that owns a gun of any type - now, maybe it's jut not talked about, but I'm fairly certain that's not the case with the majority of my friends/colleagues.  I doubt it is a priority for parents outside of the US.  Personally, it would fall right in between "how to avoid a hyena attack" and "what to do when lost in the jungle at night".

It's simply not relevant for me as a Canadian, so the comment of "the world around us" is what I disputed.  The world around *me* doesn't require firearm education.  I would bet next week's paycheque you could substitute Canada with any number of countries - Belgium, Australia, Sweden, Switzerland .... - and get the same perspective.

But it's a myth that it's somehow massively "relevant" here in America too.   I don't know if people think we sit around at cocktail parties talking about the latest guns we bought, and flashing them to our buddies like cars or diamonds.   There are a lot of things that don't require "education", until, well, they do.   "Guns" happened to come up when I was a kid.   There was zero drug use of any kind in my household, so - this is a very true story - when I was around 13, or 14 (guessing) and a neighbor had their nephew come visit from Bridgeport (a city near where I grew up, and at the time home to the worst housing project in the nation outside of Compton, Father Panik Village) and showed me a bag of weed, my response was "Wow, what do you need a bag of iron filings for?" (You know, the slivers that teachers used to show magnetic fields in school).    My kid (stepdaughter) came home a couple months ago smelling of weed and not long after my wife found a jar of weed in her bag (not in a direct search).  Now it's relevant to me. 

Old numbers - I'm going to try to find newer ones, but this will make my point - but in 1993, the UN ranked Canada third behind the US and Norway* in civilian ownership of guns.  It estimated that 7 million Canadians (at the time, about 25% of the country) owned firearms.   Guess what the percentage of Americans that own a gun is?   Depending on your source, anywhere from 22% to 31%.  https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/09/19/just-three-percent-of-adults-own-half-of-americas-guns/?utm_term=.36c8aa2a5aa8  As you can see, 3% of Americans own half the guns in the nation. 

I don't know anyone that's whacked on opioids - so not relevant to me - but apparently it's a big problem here. 


* Funny that many think Trump wants Norwegians because they are "white"; why not because they're pro-gun?   Doesn't further the narrative, but just as plausible. 

Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #77 on: January 22, 2018, 11:02:56 AM »
Edit:  Nevermind.  Don't want to take this off topic any further.
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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #78 on: January 22, 2018, 03:48:17 PM »
I just wanted to say that I completely disagree with Stadler.
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Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #79 on: March 31, 2018, 04:46:37 AM »
For parents and non parents, how would you handle this and have you encountered this.

My uncle has 5 step children, ages 5 to 12.  I was over for dinner and we are sitting there in the dining room. The 8 year old likes to be a tattle tale and he does that thing where if his mom tells one of the other boys something to do, then he jumps on the band wagon like he has authority too and starts harping on the other boy that "mom said to do that", which makes the other boys not want to have him around. Which he whines about to the mom.

But anyway, in this particular case. The mom said to the 10 year old eat the vegetables (the old cliche) and of course the 8 year old almost interrupts her as she's trying to parent and is like "you better eat those vegetables" and the mom looks at him sternly and is like "I am talking to so and so and this conversation has nothing to do with you, be quiet and eat your dinner"

So the 8 year old gets all hot and bothered and storms off up stairs (which is typical with him when things don't go his way) 

Do you let him just storm off and ignore him (which is what the mother did) or do you go upstairs and say the storming off was wrong, correcting the bad behavior?

Thoughts?

Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #80 on: March 31, 2018, 05:35:46 AM »
To storm off over that - and at that age - I'd most likely have told them to sit their ass down.  BUT... I only have two kids (twins), so it's a different dynamic.  5 kids at different ages is a lot to cope with.  Sometimes (and this is true with any number/age of children) you have pick and chose your battles.
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Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #81 on: March 31, 2018, 08:35:22 AM »
Yeah...like Chad said, pick and choose your battles. Especially if they have (5) kids. Who knows the psychology as to why that kid feels the need to try and be the parent....but, I can tell you with having three boys that the two older ones often try that with us when we are telling one of them to do something.

I think its more along the lines of they like it when someone other than them are getting in trouble and theyre just rubbing there face in it.

The thing that concerned me most about the story though was the kid left the dinner table. Our boys cant leave the table during dinner unless they ask and no one is dismissed until were all done.

I personally believe that a sit down, family dinner every night is vital to the health of your family....not just physically. You have to carve out that time for each other.....talk, interact etc etc. So, hed have never made it three feet away before Id have commanded him to sit back down.
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Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #82 on: March 31, 2018, 10:22:16 AM »
The thing that concerned me most about the story though was the kid left the dinner table. Our boys cant leave the table during dinner unless they ask and no one is dismissed until were all done.

I personally believe that a sit down, family dinner every night is vital to the health of your family....not just physically. You have to carve out that time for each other.....talk, interact etc etc. So, hed have never made it three feet away before Id have commanded him to sit back down.

Get out of my mind!  The jingle.household is the same way Gary  :tup
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Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #83 on: March 31, 2018, 12:55:08 PM »
Those are good points.

In retrospect, if that was my kid, then I would have told him to sit back down before he even made it to the stairs. I feel kind of bad for my uncle though, since there's only so far he can go, since ultimately they aren't his kids and she has final say to any and all parenting decisions he makes.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #84 on: March 31, 2018, 03:56:59 PM »
The thing that concerned me most about the story though was the kid left the dinner table. Our boys cant leave the table during dinner unless they ask and no one is dismissed until were all done.

I personally believe that a sit down, family dinner every night is vital to the health of your family....not just physically. You have to carve out that time for each other.....talk, interact etc etc. So, hed have never made it three feet away before Id have commanded him to sit back down.

Get out of my mind!  The jingle.household is the same way Gary  :tup

Two brothers from another mother.    The one thing I tried to bring into my new marriage - three step children - was that idea of dinner.  We sit, we talk, we engage, and no phones, books, etc.   And it has made a difference. 

There was a great exchange in the new Roseanne show; her daughter was talking with her granddaughter, sort of begging her to stay home and watch her (Roseanne's) grandson.   And they were going back and forth "negotiating", and finally Roseanne walked up to the granddaughter and said "You're staying home and watching your brother.  Game OVER!"  I loved that.   

Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #85 on: April 12, 2018, 06:17:37 AM »
https://qz.com/1248081/the-share-of-americans-age-25-29-living-with-parents-is-the-highest-in-75-years/

"Share of americans age 25-29 living with parents is highest in 75 years"

Just curious, when did you guys leave home and would you let your child stay at home at age 29? How would you guys handle this type of situation? Is it a problem, is it not a problem?

Just wanted to get your thought?

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #86 on: April 12, 2018, 06:35:21 AM »
I was 25.  I was spoiled really.  Moved in with my then girlfriend who is my wife today.  She had surgery on both feet.  Bunions on both sides.  I took over the bills and taking care of her.  It was time to grow up.
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Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #87 on: April 12, 2018, 07:07:39 AM »
I moved out just before my 25th birthday.  The deal with my mother was I had 3 months after I graduated University of free rent.  After that, I started paying.  Frankly, I couldn't wait to be on my own.

Mrs.jingle lived at home until we moved in together - which was a 2 months after her 27th birthday.

jingle.kids will get a similar kind of deal - some period of grace after they finish post-secondary, but they've got to grow the fuck up and be responsible at some point - well before they turn 30.  When they're 30, I'll be almost 60, and I have no desire to be a Landlord to my children.
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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #88 on: April 12, 2018, 07:16:58 AM »
Moved out three months before my 25th birthday. I was studying at the time but got a side job that allowed me to pay the rent for my own small apartment. I didn't have a problem with my parents but felt it was time to stand on my own two feet.

For my kids: I hope they move out before their 29th birthday, but if the circumstances aren't right they can stay. But if it seems that they don't get the knack and there is danger of them staying at home forever and turning into old grumpy virgins, steps will be taken, but then I'm probably dead at that point, so my wife has to solve that situation.  ;D

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #89 on: April 12, 2018, 07:41:58 AM »
My parents were cool enough to let me live at home the last couple years of college, so I could save money not having to pay for room and board (it saved me A TON). After I graduated, they let me hang out a bit longer while I was getting a job and getting my feet under me, I think I was 23 when I moved out.

I would do the same for my daughter, although she's only 2 (almost 3) so I'm not sure college will look the same when she gets to be that age. But I'll happily let her stay at home through her college years and a little beyond. If she finishes school, and gets a job and gets some money, I'll encourage her to make her own way or she'll need to start paying rent.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #90 on: April 12, 2018, 07:44:06 AM »
I moved out at 24.  I got a job that sent me on extended assignment to California, and when I got back I got an apartment with a friend.

For me, I'm sort of with Kwyjibo; they can stay as long as they want, but once school is done. they need to contribute.  I'm not cleaning dishes out of the rooms, or running a frat house.   When you're going through the teens and such, the older you get the more lax the rules get.   Once you get to school being done (which it is for my stepdaughter) the rules start to get stricter again, and if you don't like it, it's a free country.   But I'm not going to throw them out on principle. My problem is that I have a 10 year old as well.  So no guys  traipsing through, no weed...  I can't have him learning to live like a 23 year old before he learns how to live like a 13 year old. 

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #91 on: April 12, 2018, 08:22:18 AM »
I was 23 and had finally nabbed a job with steady pay rather than the hit and miss nature of the restaurant business so it just seemed like time to go.

As far as my own kids and when they should move on.....obviously I'm not going to kick them out to the curb but much in line of what's been said, there's going to be a point where either their finishing college/trade school or are already working where they'll need to get out and start life on their own.

I'd hope that my wife and I would have raised them well enough to where...by then....that is something that they'd be looking forward to doing rather than just sitting at home mooching off of us   :lol
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Online Podaar

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #92 on: April 12, 2018, 08:27:56 AM »
I left home at 17.

All my kids received suitcases for the 18th birthdays. None of them complained.

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #93 on: April 12, 2018, 01:29:25 PM »
I moved out and in with my gf at 25.  I still have one friend who lives with his parents at 32.  We rip on his A LOT for that, but I think he's actually finally moving out with his fiance. 

My parents let me move back in after college.  I lived there for a few years, and would have continued probably because my parents didn't ask me to contribute much (my rent was equal to paying cleaning ladies to clean the house  :lol) and I always took care of my self and lived in the basement.  I think my parents hardly noticed me so it wasn't a big deal from them.  My gf needed a roommate though so it made sense to move out when I did and like King, I kind of took her under my wing in terms of finances while she did grad school (although I very much regret this now since it didn't work out in the end). 

Either way, I think if it's a healthy home relationship, I don't think it's that big of a deal.  But at some point, the child needs to want to have some motivation for something of their own IMO.  If there's no goal, then I think there's a problem eventually.

Offline Chino

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #94 on: April 12, 2018, 01:51:01 PM »
I left home at 17.

All my kids received suitcases for the 18th birthdays. None of them complained.

I stayed at my parents' house through college and for my first year in the corporate world. I kicked in for groceries, but that was all they asked of me. It allowed me to save a crap ton of money and buy a house.

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #95 on: April 12, 2018, 03:49:42 PM »
I left home at 17.

All my kids received suitcases for the 18th birthdays. None of them complained.

I stayed at my parents' house through college and for my first year in the corporate world. I kicked in for groceries, but that was all they asked of me. It allowed me to save a crap ton of money and buy a house.

I should add that my three years at home after college allowed me to pay off all my student loan debt.  It was nice making a real income (first job out of college was a 50k salary plus I worked OT).  For someone without paying rent or car payments (my car was paid off by the time I graduated, which goes back to a downpayment I made from working summer jobs and making payments while working a side job during school), having that income was huge towards paying off my debt.    This kind of goes back to what I meant with saying a healthy home relationship, if the kid is working towards something (paying off debt, doing school while not ruining the lives of the parents) then I personally don't see the issue with a child living home longer.

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #96 on: April 12, 2018, 05:50:59 PM »
I moved out of my parents house when I was 24, which was 3 years after I graduated. My gf, who became my 1st wife, graduated two years after me, and we got married a year later.

My mother started charging me rent, a very small sum. I remember fighting her big time on that, but in the end, when I got married, she gave me the money back. She was worried I wouldn't save it for myself....and she was right, so good move.


My stepson was home for about a year after he graduated college, and then he not only moved out, but away.

My oldest son (who is special needs), who turns 17 in a couple weeks, will likely live with us as long as he can. My 15 y/o, will likely move out as soon as he can.
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Offline El Barto

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #97 on: April 12, 2018, 11:21:41 PM »
Moved out around 20 or so to shack up. That lasted all of ~18 months at which point I moved back into my old room. Stayed there a few years and paid off my debt, worked, went to school in the evenings. Eventually got tired of trying to juggle my sex life around when I could have the house to myself so I got my own place. That was that.
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Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #98 on: April 13, 2018, 06:07:45 AM »
I moved back home after college and moved out when I was 25. Moved out right before I got married. I pitched in a few hundred bucks for food and utilities. I got along well with my parents so it wasn't a big deal. I'll totally let my kids do the same as long as it's not costing me much money to let them live there and if they're working and being a reasonably productive person. My youngest I'd like out the soonest mostly because I plan to downsize when all the kids are out of the house.

Offline Chino

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #99 on: April 13, 2018, 06:17:36 AM »
Apparently trying to get out of the house in your early 20s is an American thing. My sister started seeing a guy in Germany a while back and according to him, it's super common to live with your parents until you're like 30 over there.

Online Kwyjibo

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #100 on: April 13, 2018, 06:23:39 AM »
No, moving out in your mid-20s is common but staying til 30 isn't the norm in Germany.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #101 on: April 13, 2018, 08:36:06 AM »
Apparently trying to get out of the house in your early 20s is an American thing. My sister started seeing a guy in Germany a while back and according to him, it's super common to live with your parents until you're like 30 over there.

Two words:  "according to him". 

According to me, Kiss is awesome, Democrats aren't funny, and short stocky old guys are a catch.  So make of that what you will. 

Online Kwyjibo

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #102 on: April 13, 2018, 08:41:20 AM »
Well I'm from Germany and I moved out when I was 25, case proved.  ;D

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #103 on: April 13, 2018, 09:58:09 AM »
Apparently trying to get out of the house in your early 20s is an American thing. My sister started seeing a guy in Germany a while back and according to him, it's super common to live with your parents until you're like 30 over there.

Two words:  "according to him". 

According to me, Kiss is awesome, Democrats aren't funny, and short stocky old guys are a catch.  So make of that what you will.

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Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #104 on: September 02, 2018, 08:29:33 PM »
30 year old son refuses to move out. Parents have to take him to court and judge orders him to move out:

https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/22/us/judge-rules-son-must-move-out-new-york-trnd/index.html