Parenting/marital advice

[King Postwhore]

Gary, all you can do is be there like you have and continue to encourage help from a professional.   

My wife had a breakdown about her parents right before Thanksgiving 2 decades ago. She decided not to see them.  Cut them out of her life. She was struggling why would they do this. Everyone close to her said all the right things but it took someone outside the family to give peace to my wife snd her emotions on her family.

It took someone not close to her to reassure it wasn't her.

Not the same as your son but keep being positive.   

[gmillerdrake]

Not the same as your son but keep being positive.

Yeah....well, massive fail on that point tonight. My wife searched his room and found chards of glass and a Workman Utility tool under his mattress. AND she found letters from a girl he hangs out a lot with at church and she read them. In those letters the girl (who is 13)  mentioned to my son that sometimes she will sneak into her parents bathroom and take a couple of any pills that she can find....that she too just doesn't know 'why she's here?'

We told him what we found and that we read his letters and he lost it. Spit at my wife....started yelling and cursing at us, which I allowed for a few minutes....but, he kept disrespecting my wife and I for far too long and I then lost it. I got in his face and told him he wouldn't speak to us like that and he then tried to push me aside and I wouldn't allow it....I wrapped him up in a bear hug and we had a small wrestling match. I just held him until he had tired out....then let him go and he stormed off to his room.

So obviously then my wife gets pi$$ed at me and I'm a big bad guy and so we argue.....and honestly, I've distanced myself from all of them tonight. Which sucks because my youngest son has no clue as to whats going on....he's his happy chipper self, but I've been stewing for hours now with all sorts of crap brewing in my head.

I'm about tapped out at the moment and coupled with the stress from a pretty demanding job and this.....I'm just cooked. 

[jingle.boy]

Oh man....

When calmer heads prevail, remind him your anger is coming from a place of fear and sadness (I'm assuming).  Also, remind him you're not angry with him, but the behavior.  I forget what movie I heard it in, some mother said to one of her kids "you're not a bad person. But this is very bad behavior."

[King Postwhore]

Dammit. At least you found more info that you need. Just emotionally drained and I understand.   Your wife needs to understand no man should talk to a woman or s mom like this

[wolfking]

Oh Jesus mate.

Maybe try and contact the parents of the girl he's talking to?

Maybe talk with your wife soon.  Fighting with her certainly won't help the situation at hand.  She'll calm down and remind her you both want the same thing.  Feel for you mate.

[wolfking]

Dammit. At least you found more info that you need. Just emotionally drained and I understand.   Your wife needs to understand no man should talk to a woman or s mom like this

Indeed.

[King Postwhore]

Or spit for that matter.

[TAC]

Not the same as your son but keep being positive.

Yeah....well, massive fail on that point tonight. My wife searched his room and found chards of glass and a Workman Utility tool under his mattress. AND she found letters from a girl he hangs out a lot with at church and she read them. In those letters the girl (who is 13)  mentioned to my son that sometimes she will sneak into her parents bathroom and take a couple of any pills that she can find....that she too just doesn't know 'why she's here?'

We told him what we found and that we read his letters and he lost it. Spit at my wife....started yelling and cursing at us, which I allowed for a few minutes....but, he kept disrespecting my wife and I for far too long and I then lost it. I got in his face and told him he wouldn't speak to us like that and he then tried to push me aside and I wouldn't allow it....I wrapped him up in a bear hug and we had a small wrestling match. I just held him until he had tired out....then let him go and he stormed off to his room.

So obviously then my wife gets pi$$ed at me and I'm a big bad guy and so we argue.....and honestly, I've distanced myself from all of them tonight. Which sucks because my youngest son has no clue as to whats going on....he's his happy chipper self, but I've been stewing for hours now with all sorts of crap brewing in my head.

I'm about tapped out at the moment and coupled with the stress from a pretty demanding job and this.....I'm just cooked.

Gary, that's heartbreaking.

That first paragraph, I think I mentioned we had a suicude in our town a few years ago. I think she was 14 or 15. She played in the sax line next to my son in the band, and he's good friends with her brother. It was awful, and we talked with him and watched him.

I mentioned going through his room the other day. It's gut wrenching to find that stuff.

About the second paragraph..I admire the way you handled it with the bear hug. Not sure why the Mrs. would be mad at you, but I'm sure she's as frustrated, if not more, than you are. She's a mother..




And this has nothing to do with your situation, but I thought I'd share..

My stepson is gay. I met his mother shortly before he turned 6. I married his mother when he was 7 so he grew up in our house. He "came out" while in college, though it was obvious to us long before that.

My wife couldn't have been more accepting. Me either, though his issue was with his mother. Even though she was accepting and loving when he talked with her, he was still upset because in his eyes, she never legitimized his struggle and his anxiety about talking about it. She simply accepted it, which, to him, glossed over the fact that he was agonizing.

[gmillerdrake]

Maybe try and contact the parents of the girl he's talking to?

My wife called her....don't know what was said because I'm still self isolating.

[Chino]

Oh man....

When calmer heads prevail, remind him your anger is coming from a place of fear and sadness (I'm assuming).  Also, remind him you're not angry with him, but the behavior.  I forget what movie I heard it in, some mother said to one of her kids "you're not a bad person. But this is very bad behavior."

My dad used to say to me "You're not stupid, but you're acting really stupid right now".


Gary, man, that's a tough read. Really hoping for the best for you and your family. It's got to be extra tough on your son now, knowing that he's got extra close eyes on him. I'm not saying that what you did was the wrong move. I'm in your court on this one. When my sister was in her early teens, my father put software on her PC to monitor every button she pressed and everything that was sent to her. She was unaware and my parents found some pretty heavy shit. Not so much with her, but the people she was starting to surround herself with. It was bad for a while. Lots of resentment from my sister, most likely due to a broken line of trust. But looking back, it was 100% the right call. My parents' relationship with my sister is better than ever, and she's got a fine head on her shoulders.

The pills would worry me. Looking back at high school... A lot of the drinkers and stoners ended up pretty alright in life, but the pill groups don't seem to have seen the same success. Have you considered home drug testing kits? They have some on Amazon that can test for like 12+ of the most widely used drugs.

[Stadler]

Maybe try and contact the parents of the girl he's talking to?

My wife called her....don't know what was said because I'm still self isolating.

I was going to send a PM, but thought I'd put it out there....   keep talking to us.  I'm concerned for your son, naturally, but I'm also concerned for YOU.  I know you know this, but it bears repeating:  you need to be strong and healthy yourself if you're ever going to help your family be strong and healthy.  I don't know what works for you, but I think I have an idea what DOESN'T work; make sure YOU'RE good too, brother.   I think I speak for all of us here when I say we're here for you.

[KevShmev]

Damn, Gary.

I don't know even what to say, but many here have said a lot of good things, and I echo all of them.  Stay strong, man.

[lonestar]

Maybe try and contact the parents of the girl he's talking to?

My wife called her....don't know what was said because I'm still self isolating.

I was going to send a PM, but thought I'd put it out there....   keep talking to us.  I'm concerned for your son, naturally, but I'm also concerned for YOU.  I know you know this, but it bears repeating:  you need to be strong and healthy yourself if you're ever going to help your family be strong and healthy.  I don't know what works for you, but I think I have an idea what DOESN'T work; make sure YOU'RE good too, brother.   I think I speak for all of us here when I say we're here for you.

This was my first thought as well. I have little to offer in parenting or marital advice, I kind of tanked both sides of that coin, but I do know that isolation won't work for anyone, and is especially dangerous for those of us in recovery. You know we'll be around to listen, here and on PMs, but an in person, independent opinion could be vital as well, for you and your family.

Really hoping things work out bud, reading all of this is just heartbreaking.

[jingle.boy]

Maybe try and contact the parents of the girl he's talking to?

My wife called her....don't know what was said because I'm still self isolating.

I was going to send a PM, but thought I'd put it out there....   keep talking to us.  I'm concerned for your son, naturally, but I'm also concerned for YOU.  I know you know this, but it bears repeating:  you need to be strong and healthy yourself if you're ever going to help your family be strong and healthy.  I don't know what works for you, but I think I have an idea what DOESN'T work; make sure YOU'RE good too, brother.   I think I speak for all of us here when I say we're here for you.

This.  Hopefully the "self-isolating" was just a brief moment to allow everyone to cool off.

Edit... and what RJ said.

[gmillerdrake]

Thanks again fellas. I do appreciate it. I won't lie or sugar coat it....this is whittling away at me but I'm trying to stay strong. Yesterday sucked....there's no getting around that, I just wasn't a very good Father or Husband and I hate that but I am just at my wits end. Will try to be better and stronger today.

Yeah Chad....the self isolation was because when I get worked up I get pretty brutal with how I address people and the things I say to them. And unfortunately the more I love you the worse it is. It's a horrible trait and one that was magnified when I drank but I still tend to do it so I just chose to stay away from them all last night.

Brian....just to be clear, my sons friend was the one we discovered popping pills via that letter. While we are going through it right now with him.....I am not concerned about him drinking or pill popping just knowing his stance on it all. Maybe I'm naive in thinking that...who knows....maybe I should drug test him....I'm pretty unsure of a lot of things right now.

[cramx3]

Regarding the pills, that seems like a cry for help (for the friend) and not someone "doing drugs" if they are just taking random pills they can find.  That seems like playing russian roulette.  Not sure drug testing makes any sense since it sounds like you may not even know what to look for and may not even be illegal narcotics.  However, that is extremely concerning for the friend.  That girl, especially at that age, could easily die from taking the wrong medicine and unlike the cutting, won't be leaving scars to show the damage they are doing.  That is really scary to me.  Make sure all your medicines in your house are safely away from your son.

I can't imagine the toll this is taking on you and your wife.  I'm sure tempers are wild right now hence the arguing and isolation now, but I think, you two need to get on the same page to combat what your son is going through.  Easier said than done for sure.  Sorry for your situation though, this is terrible.

[Adami]

I would advise against drug testing.

[Grappler]

Thanks again fellas. I do appreciate it. I won't lie or sugar coat it....this is whittling away at me but I'm trying to stay strong. Yesterday sucked....there's no getting around that, I just wasn't a very good Father or Husband and I hate that but I am just at my wits end. Will try to be better and stronger today.

I can't tell you how many times I feel like that on any given day, and my kids are 6 and almost 4.  Whether I mishandle something with my kids or my wife, it happens and tomorrow is another day.  I'd agree with Stadler - keep talking on here, assuming that you're not also talking to someone in a professional/therapeutic manner.  At least you can get stuff out, even it's just on here.  We all support you!

[gmillerdrake]

I would advise against drug testing.

Yeah....I don't think we're at that point. One of the points of contention between my wife and I was her searching his room. While I understand why she did and get that we discovered a couple things he was cutting himself with and that letter.....it's going to tear down trust between he and us pretty quick.

We know he's cutting himself....finding 'what' he's doing it with isn't going to make him stop. In fact, he told us that he'd just go to school and "get his trusty pencil that he likes" and do it with that. While I know this is 'serious' and that we need to help him get through this I'm not as concerned as my wife is. She's going crazy with this thing.....whereas maybe it's because I had a period of time in my life where I did this.....I'm just weathering the storm and trying to do and say the right things.

When I discovered last week from a conversation with the Youth Pr. at church that my son and this girl were caught sitting together and talking alone at youth camp this past summer I heard all I needed to hear. In my opinion that just added a layer of 'attention seeking' to his actions because he and this girl are always together at church.....she's always talking to him and looking all concerned and caring. While that may not be the whole reason he's doing it I think that's an element of why he is and the most upset he's been was last week when used the word 'attention' when talking to him about it. It really bugged him.

I'm just a dad trying to read the situation and understand it. I know him, I know his struggles.....I know from his first two 'girlfriends' that he like every other young kid gets all wrapped up in them so when they broke up it was the end of the world. So, part of me thinks he believes he's found a way to keep this girl in his life. I could be WAY off base but again.....at this point I'm grasping at straws.

[gmillerdrake]

Thanks again fellas. I do appreciate it. I won't lie or sugar coat it....this is whittling away at me but I'm trying to stay strong. Yesterday sucked....there's no getting around that, I just wasn't a very good Father or Husband and I hate that but I am just at my wits end. Will try to be better and stronger today.

I can't tell you how many times I feel like that on any given day, and my kids are 6 and almost 4.  Whether I mishandle something with my kids or my wife, it happens and tomorrow is another day.  I'd agree with Stadler - keep talking on here, assuming that you're not also talking to someone in a professional/therapeutic manner.  At least you can get stuff out, even it's just on here.  We all support you!

Will do. It's been a few years since I've been to counseling/therapy but I'm thinking it may be time to fire it back up.

[jingle.boy]

I would advise against drug testing.

Yeah....I don't think we're at that point. One of the points of contention between my wife and I was her searching his room. While I understand why she did and get that we discovered a couple things he was cutting himself with and that letter.....it's going to tear down trust between he and us pretty quick.

I'm with you on the searching his room part, for all the reasons you stated.  Once it was done though, confronting him with what you found was (imo) a risky/dangerous thing to do - for the trust issue.  As the saying goes, trust is earned in pennies and spent in dollars.  You definitely don't want any distance to start forming for any reason.  I don't know if this is one of those "right thing for the wrong reasons" or "wrong thing for the right reasons".

[Adami]

I'd suggest not assuming you know his struggles or know any of this stuff, even if you really do. I'd recommend coming at it from a place of curiosity. If he feels "no one understands" then don't try to convince him otherwise, let him teach and show you.

[jingle.boy]

I'd suggest not assuming you know his struggles or know any of this stuff, even if you really do. I'd recommend coming at it from a place of curiosity. If he feels "no one understands" then don't try to convince him otherwise, let him teach and show you.

[King Postwhore]

It's like admitting you have an eating issue, gambling issue, drinking issue.  He has to realize he needs help and not try to deflect those who care for him. 

[Stadler]

I admit I have an issue with that woman in the purple shirt. 

(Is that Alison Brie?)

[jingle.boy]

I admit I have an issue with that woman in the purple shirt. 

(Is that Alison Brie?)

yes, it is.  What kind of .... issue? 

[Stadler]

I admit I have an issue with that woman in the purple shirt. 

(Is that Alison Brie?)

yes, it is.  What kind of .... issue? 

Hey now!!

[Adami]

I admit I have an issue with that woman in the purple shirt. 

(Is that Alison Brie?)

Is it cause she's Jewish? You make me sick.

[Stadler]

I admit I have an issue with that woman in the purple shirt. 

(Is that Alison Brie?)

Is it cause she's Jewish? You make me sick.

I would not throw her out of bed for eating matzo.   

[Adami]

I admit I have an issue with that woman in the purple shirt. 

(Is that Alison Brie?)

Is it cause she's Jewish? You make me sick.

I would not throw her out of bed for eating matzo.   

The matzah balls on you.....

[King Postwhore]

הכדורים על שניכם.

[Adami]

הכדורים על שניכם.

Haha. I'm not totally sure that's the word for balls they'd use here.

[King Postwhore]

I thought we needed a laugh.  lol

[vtgrad]

If King can't spell in English, what makes you think he can spell in Hebrew?  כדורי פלדה

[King Postwhore]

 

Guilty!  Lol