Author Topic: Parenting/marital advice  (Read 49442 times)

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Offline King Postwhore

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #350 on: November 17, 2020, 11:54:10 AM »
My wife is going through "The Change" right now and is being very aggressive.  She finally realized it when I started to talk to her like she talks to me.  She wouldn't admit it but she's calmed down on how she asks/talks to me.  I'll take my victory in silence.

Plus she tried to kill the cat!

That she cried about.  Me, I better count my meds. :lol

And don't let her count them for you!!

Oh I don't  LOL
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Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #351 on: January 22, 2021, 01:16:28 PM »
For lack of a better place to ask for advice, I'm going to continue to use this thread for marriage advice even though Bosk will likely point out that it wasn't the original intention of this thread. :) I honestly don't know where else to turn, so I appreciate your advice.

How do you guys handle sexual rejection from your wife? I'm so tired of feeling like I give her everything she wants, say yes to everything that's important to her, and bust my ass making sure she feels loved and appreciated. Sex is the single most important thing she can do to make me feel loved and appreciated. I've explained how important this is to me, and how shitty being rejected feels. How worthless and unimportant she can make me feel at times when she rejects me and refuses to put in even a tiny bit of effort to please me. I feel like what I want is incredibly reasonable. Basically I just want more frequent sex and for her to do a couple sexy things she did in the beginning that I loved. I've explained how it feels like she thinks I'm not worth the effort anymore.

We talk and she seems understanding and apologetic, but then nothing really changes. We talked about it again yesterday after it not being brought up in nearly a year while I worked on myself to try and not take things so personally and to not let my negative emotions control me so much. But even through all that self improvement, I just couldn't let go of how simple it would be for her to do the things I want. I mean, I'm not asking for much. It would take extremely minimal effort. And I'm not asking for anything that she didn't willingly do in the beginning.

I'm just so frustrated by all this. I'm tired of feeling like I give everything I have for her and get so little effort in return. I ask for so little, and even when I do ask it's far less than I really want. Sometimes I just want to ask her "Are you really willing to let me walk away from everything that we've built just so you don't have to wear some sexy underwear every now and then?" She doesn't know that I've thought about leaving her over this, and I don't want to threaten her. I want her to do these things because she genuinely wants to please me. I don't want to leave. I love her every bit as much today as I did the day I married her. But love isn't enough if it doesn't translate to action. I need to her show me that she loves me and not just say it. There is more than just sex involved in making me feel loved and she's stepped up a little there to her credit.

I know I need to just let this go and just accept what she's willing to give me (it has gotten a little better at least in frequency). I can only control myself and how I feel. I just don't know how to let do of my desire, my needs, the things that made me feel so good about her and myself. I'm torn between just letting it all go and continuing to bring it up and not letting her just ignore the issue. I told her yesterday that I would feel better if she would just say "No, I'm not going to do X ever again because..." rather than being wishy washy about it. I know she knows she should do it, but she doesn't doesn't feel good enough about herself to do it.

I'm at a loss for what to do. I'm tired of compromising the things that are important to me while giving her everything she wants.

Thanks in advance for your advice or just for a reassuring word. I know what I'm feeling is pretty common for men and she pointed out yesterday that it's normal for women to have less desire once they have kids. I pointed out that I don't want to be normal. I didn't marry her so we could have a normal life. I want a great life with her.

Sorry... that got kinda long.

Offline kirksnosehair

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #352 on: January 22, 2021, 02:16:14 PM »
I'm 57 and to tell you the truth I can't remember the last time I had sex with my wife.   That spigot dried up when menopause began, so I don't know how much help I can be here, except to say that according to your profile you're 39, so I don't think age should be a factor just yet.  But you're definitely on the downslope at this point so the most honest advice I can give you at this point is you should lower your expectations a notch or two.  And if you're not willing to lower your expectations and if this is critical to your happiness then I guess you have a decision to make.




Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #353 on: January 22, 2021, 03:03:59 PM »
I'm 57 and to tell you the truth I can't remember the last time I had sex with my wife.   That spigot dried up when menopause began, so I don't know how much help I can be here, except to say that according to your profile you're 39, so I don't think age should be a factor just yet.  But you're definitely on the downslope at this point so the most honest advice I can give you at this point is you should lower your expectations a notch or two.  And if you're not willing to lower your expectations and if this is critical to your happiness then I guess you have a decision to make.




I know I need to lower my expectations a bit. A year ago I was shooting for the sex life of my dreams. To my wife's credit she stepped up part of the way for a couple months, but there was tons of fighting and in many ways it was the worst stretch of our marriage. That was when I felt like leaving was an option. I had to back off before things were irreparably damaged. Now, my expectations are a little more realistic. I feel like our 30s were a lost decade as far as sex went. I got the bare minimum and I don't want to waste my 40s too before menopause kicks in and all bets are off. I was patient and understanding for a decade when the kids were little while feeling unwanted and rejected. I can't put up with that for another decade (even though we have another little one in the house now). I know I said it a couple times above, but I feel like what I want is incredibly reasonable. That's what makes this so hard when she obviously doesn't want it. I'm asking for a small fraction of what I really want and even that is too much.

Offline Kwyjibo

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #354 on: January 22, 2021, 03:19:20 PM »
Can't really give helpful advice, but have you ever truly asked her, why she doesn't want to have sex, or not as often as you want? Maybe it's got absolutely nothing to do with you, maybe it's something completely different and maybe it's something she can't explain either, or has problems talking about.

If you are so unhappy with that situation, have you considered getting outside help? A coach, a therapist or something like that for the both of you?
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Offline Cool Chris

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #355 on: January 22, 2021, 03:23:50 PM »
Have some thoughts I want to share, will do so via PM later.
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Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #356 on: January 22, 2021, 03:29:31 PM »
Can't really give helpful advice, but have you ever truly asked her, why she doesn't want to have sex, or not as often as you want? Maybe it's got absolutely nothing to do with you, maybe it's something completely different and maybe it's something she can't explain either, or has problems talking about.

If you are so unhappy with that situation, have you considered getting outside help? A coach, a therapist or something like that for the both of you?
For the sake of her privacy (as if I haven't aired enough of our dirty laundry) I did not bring it up, but yes she has reasons. These reasons have nothing to do with me. However, these reasons are not new and were not a major issue 15 years ago, so why now? Clearly having kids dredged something up for her. I don't know. Yes, we have discussed getting outside help. We talked yesterday about whether she needs help to deal with her issues or if we need help together. That question needs to be revisited. I told her yesterday that I would have a lot more sympathy for her issues if she had spent year getting therapy and help dealing with it and still struggled. But she's done virtually nothing to get help.

Offline Lethean

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #357 on: January 22, 2021, 03:51:25 PM »
Can't really give helpful advice, but have you ever truly asked her, why she doesn't want to have sex, or not as often as you want? Maybe it's got absolutely nothing to do with you, maybe it's something completely different and maybe it's something she can't explain either, or has problems talking about.

If you are so unhappy with that situation, have you considered getting outside help? A coach, a therapist or something like that for the both of you?
For the sake of her privacy (as if I haven't aired enough of our dirty laundry) I did not bring it up, but yes she has reasons. These reasons have nothing to do with me. However, these reasons are not new and were not a major issue 15 years ago, so why now? Clearly having kids dredged something up for her. I don't know. Yes, we have discussed getting outside help. We talked yesterday about whether she needs help to deal with her issues or if we need help together. That question needs to be revisited. I told her yesterday that I would have a lot more sympathy for her issues if she had spent year getting therapy and help dealing with it and still struggled. But she's done virtually nothing to get help.

Maybe you both need to get help?  I'm not married, and don't have kids, so I don't have advice from that perspective. 

Kwyjibo is probably onto something with getting some outside help, but I don't think it should just be her doing it. 
You've said that she's stepped up in other ways to make you feel loved, which is something.  You've also said that it's gotten a little better in terms of frequency, which is something too.  If you love her as much as when you got married... I don't know.  You may have to decide if everything else you have together will make you happier than losing all that to try to find someone with a more similar sex drive. 

You've said that it would be really simple for her to do what you want and what you're asking for is reasonable, but if she just doesn't want to do it, it's not really simple at all.  If you asked her to put her coat away when she gets home instead of throwing it on your favorite chair - that's something simple she could do even if she doesn't really want to.

But when it comes to her body, that's an incredibly different story.  Even if she had no trauma, forcing herself to do something she doesn't want to could be kind of traumatic in itself.  She does have trauma, so that's adding to it. 

Maybe you both could use some individual therapy and some joint? 

Offline KevShmev

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #358 on: January 22, 2021, 03:59:55 PM »
This is a tough one, as I get wanting more sex if the urges are there, but it's not a whole lotta fun when your partner does it just for you (the lack of enthusiasm and craving is obvious in so many little ways).  A girlfriend I had a few years ago went through spells where she wanted it like crazy for weeks (those were fun) and then not at all for weeks (not so fun), and even though she would occasionally do it when she really wasn't feeling it, it wasn't nearly as fun as when she was wanting to really get after it, if you catch my drift. Long story short, there is no easy solution and you can't make someone's sexual urges go up, unless you look like Brad Pitt and can make the average woman horny just by giving them a look :lol, so, as others have said, you have a decision to make.  Good luck.

Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #359 on: January 22, 2021, 04:02:01 PM »
I think she could use help first and then maybe I could join her and we can learn to deal with it together. I can't force her into therapy. And of course it's her body and her choice. Again, the frustration is that she used to do these things freely and without issues. So why not now? Why am I no longer worth the effort?

Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #360 on: January 22, 2021, 04:04:59 PM »
This is a tough one, as I get wanting more sex if the urges are there, but it's not a whole lotta fun when your partner does it just for you (the lack of enthusiasm and craving is obvious in so many little ways).  A girlfriend I had a few years ago went through spells where she wanted it like crazy for weeks (those were fun) and then not at all for weeks (not so fun), and even though she would occasionally do it when she really wasn't feeling it, it wasn't nearly as fun as when she was wanting to really get after it, if you catch my drift. Long story short, there is no easy solution and you can't make someone's sexual urges go up, unless you look like Brad Pitt and can make the average woman horny just by giving them a look :lol, so, as others have said, you have a decision to make.  Good luck.

I would definitely take quality over quantity. Once a week when she's into it is way better than twice when she's just laying there letting me do my thing. The thing is, even when she's not in the mood, it may take a few extra minutes, bit she always ends up just as satisfied as me. That's one of the frustrations. I have no problem spending a little extra time on her to start and she knows this. If it all ends up well in the end, why is it such a big deal?

Offline TempusVox

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #361 on: January 22, 2021, 04:20:35 PM »
For lack of a better place to ask for advice, I'm going to continue to use this thread for marriage advice even though Bosk will likely point out that it wasn't the original intention of this thread. :) I honestly don't know where else to turn, so I appreciate your advice.

*all of that*

Sorry... that got kinda long.

I'll bite. You asked for some advice, and I'll give you my two cents. Take from it what you will. I'm also 57. Things do slow down; although they don't have to stop completely. But here goes. You may not like what you hear, but I have been there as well. So, I have some experience here.

You unpacked a lot there. But you also gave some real clues that I think you are missing, or overlooking. I would suggest first of all that you are confusing initmacy with sex. Surely the act of sex is an intimate act, but there are a lot of ways to be intimate without having sex. Have you stopped to think of ways that your wife may want to express or does express her love or intimacy without actually having sex with you? Maybe she too doesn't know how to separate the two, and so now you are both stuck so to speak.

Have you thought of all the other ways she expresses her love for you without having sex? You didn't mention what type of mother she is. Or is she a faithful, and kind, and loving wife in other ways? Is she someone who you can count on to be there when it's you against the world? Does she have your back in other ways in the marriage? Does she still laugh at all of your stupid stories after you have told them for the 1,000th time? Does she encourage and support you? All of these things are incredibly important.

I'm not suggesting that no sex is good. But you didn't say you had NO sex. You are basically saying that because she won't perform to your level of the ideal sex life, then it's her fault, and things are bad.

Have you asked yourself why you seem to think the single greatest thing she can do is have sex with you? Have you considered how she feels having to reject you all the time? Have you considered how she is probably thinking,"He says he loves me, but if he did why can't he see that perhaps I'm hurting inside?"

And you are completely overlooking the single greatest issue between the two of you.

" I know she knows she should do it, but she doesn't feel good enough about herself to do it."

First, why do you say, I know she knows she should do it? She isn't your property, right?

And secondly, the fact that she is telling you that she doesn't feel good about herself is the key here.

Imagine... she had a couple of kids. She probably works, and tries to help manage the house. She has probably put on some pounds. There is the stress of a global pandemic going on. Women are constanly bombarded in focusing on their self image and worth in society based on their looks. She is maybe second guessing her career choices. Always comparing herself and her life to her peers. And she has told you that she doesn't feel good about herself. But instead of trying to help her, or be understanding, you come at her with "Why won't you lick my taint like you did when we were 20?" or whatever. I don't mean to be harsh, and I'm not trying to diminish your needs in any way, but the sad reality is if you entered into your marriage or relationship and thought your sex life was going to only always be "ideal", life just doesn't work that way very often, and your comments come off as being a bit selfish.

What ways do you go out of your way to make her feel sexy? And I'm not talking about telling her she has a nice ass, or that you want to fuck her. There a tons of ways to reassure her and make her realize she is still sexy to you without engaging in or expecting sex. Work on your own relationship initmacy skills.

Lastly, if you feel all you do is fight, then I'd suggest counseling for the two of you, or maybe go yourself. Tell her you want to work on some skills that will make you a better husband and partner, and go to a few sessions by yourself. I'll bet you'd probably learn a few things about yourself and at the very least gain some clarity on how to respond in a more positive way to your situation.

Whatever you do, don't suggest that she has the problem and she needs therapy because she is somehow broken.

But do something. Don't wait until you both resent each other, and despite your best efforts it's too late. Especally since you still love her.

I have been there. It doesn't end well if you ignore it, our are unwilling to change and adapt. 

And I have also had a pretty crazy past. I had a real issue with sex and intimacy for a long time. I have slept with probably 1,200 women give or take a couple hundred. I had a lot of fun. But that is not bragging. It took me a long time and lots of therapy to come to grips with how badly I felt about my promiscuity. No woman was off limits to me. I helped ruin more than a few marriages and dozens of relationships, and never let myself get close enough to anyone to know how great they were outside of bed. Fun? Sure...Until it isn't enough anymore-- and let me tell you, I wouldn't trade the healthy intimacy, the partnership, and support from a loving, caring wife now, for all the pussy in the world. Making your sex life the priority and chasing down everything that moves is lonely as fuck. So she only has sex with you once a week instead of three. There are much worse fates.
 
Good luck

« Last Edit: January 22, 2021, 04:31:10 PM by TempusVox »
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Offline Lethean

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #362 on: January 22, 2021, 04:21:21 PM »
I think she could use help first and then maybe I could join her and we can learn to deal with it together. I can't force her into therapy. And of course it's her body and her choice. Again, the frustration is that she used to do these things freely and without issues. So why not now? Why am I no longer worth the effort?

It's probably not about you being worth it.  Maybe she used to want to do it in her 20s, and something changed after having kids and/or getting older, and now she doesn't.  Then add in maybe trauma that she pushed aside resurfacing making it even worse.  I don't know what that trauma is, but it could probably benefit from therapy.  But you probably could too.  If you're talking about not being worth it, feeling worthless, etc, even though you said she told you that it is not you... That's probably something therapy could help with too.  You probably know intellectually that it's not you, you seem to believe that she's telling the truth.  Maybe therapy could help you take that a little further so you take her lack of desire less personally. 

I'm not at all saying it's should all be on you, but that's something you could do right now to help yourself work through things.  Maybe her seeing you get therapy will help convince her to do so. 

Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #363 on: January 22, 2021, 04:27:13 PM »
First thing I will say is that really sucks and I'm sorry you are dealing with that.

Secondly, if there's one thing you can't do is negotiate desire. It just doesn't work that way. So its great that you expressed how you feel to her, but that will not get her hot for you. And she will always be wishy washy about it, that's just how it is.

These dead bedroom situations are always really a shame, and you are not the only guy to be dealing with it. There's actually a whole sub reddit dedicated to it: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/

But anyway, hopefully this is salvageable. What kind of shape are you in? Do you lift and go to the gym? Do you have masculine hobbies like Martial Arts or motorcycle riding or playing sports? Do you have goals or hobbies you are pursuing that don't involve her? Because if you are constantly asking her for intimacy that only pushes her away. You have to have your own thing going own, which attracts her to you.




Offline TAC

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #364 on: January 22, 2021, 04:36:15 PM »
First thing I will say is that really sucks and I'm sorry you are dealing with that.


This!

I've been thinking about what to say, maybe to ask a question, or make a comment, but this is really deep between two people I don't know. It's impossible from here to even remotely say something of some benefit.
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #365 on: January 22, 2021, 05:39:54 PM »
You all raise good points. I don't have the time to respond in line with everything. Just wanted to say a few things to clarify:

I spent countless hours last year working in myself and trying to have more sympathy for her, trying to understand her views and feelings. In part I can never understand because I haven't been through what she's been through. And honestly I only know at a very vague level that some traumatic stuff happened to her. I just want to make it clear that I have made tons of effort to see things her way and paid a good deal of money to get help.

I think a huge part of it for me is that I feel resentful that I spend hours every day doing things for her and feel like I get so little. Snuggling in the couch is nearly as good as sex, but she rarely wants to do that. Sitting and really connecting is great as well, but most nights she'd rather look at her phone than talk to me. I know what makes her feel loved and I make a conscious effort every single day to meet that need for her. I ask for sex about 1/3 of the time I want to. And I don't hound her or bug her about it. I ask (she doesn't respond well to me just trying to start things) and she'll often say no, but is saying yes more and more. She hasn't initiated in nearly a year and that sucks, because sex that she initiates is worth double .

I also feel resentful because it seems like the expectation is for me to work harder to please her in nonsexual ways to get her to want sex. I bust my ass for her every single day, so the thought of doing more makes me a little angry. Why is being a good husband and father not enough? Why is all the effort I put in not enough?

On her body image issues and not feeling good about herself. I don't know how to help her with this and I try really hard not to make it worse. She assured me that I have not done anything to make her feel this way. I reassure her that I love her body whenever I can, and I genuinely do love it. It sucks that society tries to tell women how they need to look. Her lack of even the smallest effort to be sexy bothers me far more than the extra pounds or stretch marks from having kids. I simply don't know how to help her here. She basically doesn't like me commenting on her body at all.

I was doing better getting out and having me time until Covid hit. That has lead us to being home a lot more. But I know I need to find things to do to make me happier outside of her.

Thanks again for the thoughtful posts. Definitely has given me things to think about. Ultimately I know I need to relax my expectations even more than I already have and that sucks. I know I need to stop seeing sex as the only way she expressed love, but I literally asked her yesterday what else she does for me to show me love and she came up with ""I snuggled on the couch with you yesterday for a few minutes." It was like 3 minutes. I probably spent at least half an hour that day specifically doing things to make her feel loved. But I also know it's not a competition or not a thing that needs to be equal. I don't always expect anything in return when I do something for her, but I can only do so much before it becomes apparent that it's largely one sided.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #366 on: January 22, 2021, 05:44:44 PM »
I can only add this from my experience.

I know in my case, the struggle isn't the effort or the willingness to do the work, it's establishing the "language" of that communication.   Ever read the "Love Languages" book?  it's not hard science, but there's some truth to it.  If you're putting in the effort with what YOU think she wants, that's fine, but it's best that you put in the effort with what she REALLY wants.  You're probably doing that, but I can't tell from the post.

Also, it's not foolproof, but a fair rule of thumb is problems in the bedroom are a symptom of more general problems.  Something to think about.

Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #367 on: January 22, 2021, 06:01:19 PM »
I can only add this from my experience.

I know in my case, the struggle isn't the effort or the willingness to do the work, it's establishing the "language" of that communication.   Ever read the "Love Languages" book?  it's not hard science, but there's some truth to it.  If you're putting in the effort with what YOU think she wants, that's fine, but it's best that you put in the effort with what she REALLY wants.  You're probably doing that, but I can't tell from the post.

Also, it's not foolproof, but a fair rule of thumb is problems in the bedroom are a symptom of more general problems.  Something to think about.
Yes, we've read that book. She's primarily an acts of service love language, I am physical touch followed by quality time. I work really hard to serve her every single day. I try to connect with her every day. I feel like I do all of the things that I read men are supposed to do to make their wives want sex. That's one of the hardest things for me is that on paper I feel like I'm doing everything right. But something is missing, and I don't know what that is. She either doesn't know either or won't tell me.

Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #368 on: January 22, 2021, 06:13:29 PM »
Yes, we've read that book. She's primarily an acts of service love language, I am physical touch followed by quality time. I work really hard to serve her every single day. I try to connect with her every day.

I feel like I do all of the things that I read men are supposed to do to make their wives want sex.

 That's one of the hardest things for me is that on paper I feel like I'm doing everything right. But something is missing, and I don't know what that is. She either doesn't know either or won't tell me.

Can you list out the things you think you are supposed to be doing according to your reading?

Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #369 on: January 22, 2021, 06:19:44 PM »
Yes, we've read that book. She's primarily an acts of service love language, I am physical touch followed by quality time. I work really hard to serve her every single day. I try to connect with her every day.

I feel like I do all of the things that I read men are supposed to do to make their wives want sex.

 That's one of the hardest things for me is that on paper I feel like I'm doing everything right. But something is missing, and I don't know what that is. She either doesn't know either or won't tell me.

Can you list out the things you think you are supposed to be doing according to your reading?
Nonsexual physical touch, communication and listening to her, helping around the house so she doesn't feel overwhelmed with chores to do, taking the kids and giving her me time. I try to be a little flirty and make her laugh as much as I can. I have good hygiene, so that's not an issue. Those are the most common things I read about. Of course that's not an exhaustive list and each woman an has her own things. My wife either can't or won't tell me what else helps for her.

Offline Cool Chris

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #370 on: January 22, 2021, 06:28:35 PM »
Ever read the "Love Languages" book? 

I am not familiar with it, but my last employer, and long-time friend of my spouse, swore by that book.
"Nostalgia is just the ability to forget the things that sucked" - Nelson DeMille, 'Up Country'

Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #371 on: January 22, 2021, 06:41:26 PM »
Ever read the "Love Languages" book? 

I am not familiar with it, but my last employer, and long-time friend of my spouse, swore by that book.
It's extremely accurate for me and my love languages.

Offline King Postwhore

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #372 on: January 22, 2021, 06:58:59 PM »
It may be something deep seeded with how she feels about herself. Maybe she doesn't feel sexy at all. 

What was something in her past when you dated that was romantic to her.  Sometimes it isn't the chores that matter, it's what made her feel like a woman. The romance, the chase. 
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart
So wait, we're spelling it wrong and king is spelling it right? What is going on here? :lol -- BlobVanDam
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Offline TAC

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #373 on: January 22, 2021, 07:13:30 PM »
What if she had a physical disease that made sex impossible? Would that make a difference to your sexual needs and cause more understanding? There seems to be a mental issue regarding sex, and perhaps should be considered in a similar way as a physical limitation. I'm just thinking that maybe it isn't something that you should personally internalize.

Regardless of the cause, you get married for better or worse, in sickness and health...


If the shoe was on the other foot, and you had ED, should her sexual "needs" truly outweigh any issue you're experiencing.

Are able to enjoy anything with your wife? A game of cards, a TV show, your children?


I apologize, but based on what you've shared, this is what I've been thinking, and I hope none of it is viewed as judgmental or out of line. These are delicate marital issues you're experiencing.
« Last Edit: January 22, 2021, 07:22:31 PM by TAC »
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
Winger Theater Forums........or WTF.  ;D
TAC got a higher score than me in the electronic round? Honestly, can I just drop out now? :lol

Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #374 on: January 22, 2021, 07:24:34 PM »
We enjoy plenty of things. We have a very good relationship apart from this. And if she had a physical reason she could have sex, I'd still expect some sexual activity assuming she wasn't paralyzed or something. If I had ED I'd find other ways to please her.
« Last Edit: January 22, 2021, 08:25:06 PM by lordxizor »

Offline TAC

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #375 on: January 22, 2021, 08:35:20 PM »
We enjoy plenty of things. We have a very good relationship apart from this. And if she had a physical reason she could have sex, I'd still expect some sexual activity assuming she wasn't paralyzed or something. If I had ED I'd find other ways to please her.

Damn, bro. OK then.

Good luck, brother!
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
Winger Theater Forums........or WTF.  ;D
TAC got a higher score than me in the electronic round? Honestly, can I just drop out now? :lol

Offline King Postwhore

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #376 on: January 22, 2021, 08:40:02 PM »
Honestly that kind of talk sounds like maybe you are the problem. 
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart
So wait, we're spelling it wrong and king is spelling it right? What is going on here? :lol -- BlobVanDam
"Oh, I am definitely a jackass!" - TAC

Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #377 on: January 23, 2021, 05:45:51 AM »
Honestly that kind of talk sounds like maybe you are the problem. 
Really? As I said, if I was unable to get it up, I'd still find ways to please her sexually assuming she wanted it. I don't understand why wanting the occasional handjob or something would be unreasonable if she was unable to have sex. Of course my expectations would be low, but we don't get to completly ignore our spouses needs just because it may be a little difficult for us. Of course it would be a conversation or probably several conversations we'd have and I'd find out what she was willing to do in that situation. If she was unwilling to do anything, then I'd respect that. But if the tables were turned I would absolutely do my best to please her however I could. Am I odd that way? Is this really an unreasonable line of thinking?
« Last Edit: January 23, 2021, 06:02:07 AM by lordxizor »

Offline Podaar

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #378 on: January 23, 2021, 06:02:35 AM »
Yeah, I'd suggest therapy, dude. Possibly marriage counseling. IMO, you're not part of the solution.
"Religion poisons everything” — Christopher Hitchens

Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #379 on: January 23, 2021, 06:05:47 AM »
Yeah, I'd suggest therapy, dude. Possibly marriage counseling. IMO, you're not part of the solution.
Seriously, explain why my line of thinking is so off. It seems very reasonable to me, and I did update my previous post to clarify, not sure if you read the final version.

Offline Podaar

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #380 on: January 23, 2021, 06:16:41 AM »
I've met very few women in my life who wouldn't be turned off by your attitude toward sex. I'm sure there is someone who would think it's fine, but to expect it from the majority of women is not realistic. Now I could totally be misreading, but you sound very clinical, focused, and self absorbed. If the reason you do all those chores, flirting, making her laugh, etc. is to build up sexual credit that you expect payment for, that would come across pretty clear to your spouse.
"Religion poisons everything” — Christopher Hitchens

Offline lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #381 on: January 23, 2021, 06:23:37 AM »
I've met very few women in my life who wouldn't be turned off by your attitude toward sex. I'm sure there is someone who would think it's fine, but to expect it from the majority of women is not realistic. Now I could totally be misreading, but you sound very clinical, focused, and self absorbed. If the reason you do all those chores, flirting, making her laugh, etc. is to build up sexual credit that you expect payment for, that would come across pretty clear to your spouse.
it definitely comes of as clinical when I try to explain it, I'll admit that. And yes, my mind works very logically and I've been trying to work around that since I know this isn't about logic to her. I don't think it's as clinical in real life as I explain it here, but I know that is a bit of my issue and I have been working on that. I don't view sex as a transactional thing where I do x y and z and then get sex, though I can see how it would come across that way as I've explained it here. Thanks for your input though. I know this is a problem and I have been working on it, though I'm just terrible at explaining myself in a way that doesn't sound ordered and logical. That's just the way my brain works. It's hard for me write About emotion and desire and those types of things. I think the problem in this thread is 75% my writing style and 25% how I actually view things in real life. I know I need to work on that 25% and I have been.
« Last Edit: January 23, 2021, 06:38:14 AM by lordxizor »

Offline Podaar

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #382 on: January 23, 2021, 06:49:42 AM »
That's fair. It's notoriously difficult to explain the subtlety of such situations in written words.
"Religion poisons everything” — Christopher Hitchens

Offline KevShmev

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #383 on: January 23, 2021, 06:55:12 AM »
To add a little levity, this whole thing just proves what I have said for years about men: we are not that hard to keep happy.  Just be nice to us and give us some action on a somewhat regular basis and we are good. :P :lol

Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #384 on: January 23, 2021, 06:57:29 AM »
xizor, first and foremost, I hope that you don't think we're all jumping all over you on this.  You were seeking advice, and we're offering it - though it may not be what you wanted or expected to hear.  I think many of us are trying to help you see your blindspot(s) on this matter.  With that said ...

Honestly that kind of talk sounds like maybe you are the problem. 
Really? As I said, if I was unable to get it up, I'd still find ways to please her sexually assuming she wanted it. I don't understand why expecting the occasional handjob or something would be unreasonable if she was unable to have sex. Of course my expectations would be low, bur we don't get to completly ignore our spouses needs just because it may be a little difficult for us.

I think this just goes to how polar opposite you and your wife are around the importance of sexual intimacy.  The fact that you're already in a situation where you say you recognize her struggles with it, and then suggest that you would still perform "for" her if you had physical limitations is (to me) tone deaf to your reality, and selfish. If she has and extremely low sex drive/desire while you're physically fine, what makes you think it would be important for you to pleasure her if you had physical limitations.  This may not be what you're directly thinking or suggesting, but the simple fact that you expressed that thought/opinion is telling (and I'm now the 4th person to recognize it as such).   I'm beginning to wonder if you have an addiction of some manner.  Once a week isn't sufficient and disappoints you?  You have 4 kids and a newborn, right?  I'm not sure I wanted (or needed) sex weekly when I was 39, let alone under that family environment!  :lol

Look, I could probably write 4-5 pages on this topic as it relates to the jingle.marriage (I'm not being hyperbolic at all, I'll try to summarize some points below), but I suggest you practice a little bit more empathy, and see your situation for how it is, not how you want it to be.  I'm not judging you at all for sexual intimacy being an important piece of your marriage, and if it is THE most important piece then there is a lot of soul-searching you (and mrs xizor) have to do.  Physical Touch is also my primary love language, but for mrs.jingle it's primarily Quality Time and Words of Affection (secondary).  So it hurt me to no end when mrs.jingle once said a few years ago on this topic "I guess I'm just not that physical a person".  Mrs.jingle is the only woman I've been with.  I thought our sexual relationship during the dating stage was great (though, I had no point of reference).  Once married, it got rather clinical, as she wanted kids asap. For the 15 years after the jingle.kids were born, it was once a month, pretty much like clockwork - occasionally more, sometimes less.  Then about 5 years ago, that started to decline, and we'd go a few months at a time with nothing.  We'd have sex maybe 6-8 times a year.  Right now, it's been 7 months (Father's Day weekend was the last time we had sex).  There's a lot of factors and reasons, not all of which I think are fair or reasonable, but it is what it is, and I'm incredibly unsatisfied with our sexual relationship.  However, I've learned to accept this as reality, and found other ways to be happy with my life and marriage, despite this gap in my needs around feeling loved and sexual fulfillment as part of my overall happiness.  For my own needs, I workout; I listen to a lot of music; I have this community; I have a satisfying career.  For our relationship, I love and appreciate every other aspect of our marriage and of mrs.jingle as a wife, mom, and person (she's wonderful at all three, the sexual issue notwithstanding), and I have lots to love about it.  I believe it is ultimately *MY* responsibility to love and care for myself.  It's nobody's job on this planet except my own to make myself happy, to satisfy/fulfill my definition of being happy.  So, it's up to me to fill my life with love, and while sexual intimacy would make me feel a lot of love from mrs.jingle, it's expecting something that she's not capable of.  As such, I've adjusted my expectations accordingly, and filled my life with other things that allow me love myself and love my life, ALL things considered.

I agree with other comments that your attitude, beliefs, and expectations are part of the problem.  You say that you recognize it isn't a competition, but your comments very much suggest you are keeping score to some degree (despite your indication that it's a matter of how you're communicating it to us).  It seems to me you are expecting things out of her that she's incapable of providing.  Expecting someone to do and be capable of something they're not is a recipe for disappointment (you wouldn't go to your doctor if your transmission was shot!), and it seems that's exactly where you are - hence my comment on practicing empathy.

Just because you think what you want seems "incredibly reasonable" and "logical" means jack shit.  Your wife may think that once a month (or year) is reasonable.  Your teenager may think that having a boyfriend 10 years older than her is incredibly reasonable.  The Libz may think it's reasonable for the gov't to wipe out student debt.  Your neighbour may think it's reasonable to have a backyard party blaring music all night.  Ones definition of logic and what's reasonable is theirs, and theirs alone.  If all of us here tell you you're being unreasonable, would that instantly change your beliefs?  I would suspect not ... which kinda proves the point.  What I think as (un)reasonable doesn't - and shouldn't matter to you.  Ergo, what you think is reasonable doesn't really matter.  Sure, I'm just some dude on the internet a thousand miles away, but I don't think it changes when the people in question are married.

To add a little levity, this whole thing just proves what I have said for years about men: we are not that hard to keep happy.  Just be nice to us and give us some action on a somewhat regular basis and we are good. :P :lol

And a sammich every once and a while.
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