Author Topic: Parenting/marital advice  (Read 5137 times)

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Offline kaos2900

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #175 on: January 11, 2019, 11:48:13 AM »
As a parent of 2 kids (both girls 6 and almost 3) one of the constant struggles I have is straddling the line between being a hardass and giving in. I 100% believe that the entitlement culture we have going on is not a good thing and I want to try to raise my kids to appreciate the things they have and also learn how to be respectful and to listen and follow directions. I got in an argument with my 6 year old last nigh because she wanted to use a cookie cutter on her sandwich which I said no to. She ended up stealing the sandwich and used the cutter her self. Both of us lost it and start yelling at each other over a sandwich which in hindsight seems ridiculous. But at the time in my mind I was upset because she disobeyed my instructions and I'm sure she was pissed because she didn't get her way. I need to do a better job not emotionally escalating the situation but man that can be hard to do at the end of a long day.

Parenting is hard.

Don't think I'm picking on you, and don't take this personally. I'm just curious about your thought process because this is the kind of thing I think about when I ponder on being a parent one day. 

What was the big deal about her using the cookie cutter on a sandwich? To me, that's harmless, exploratory, and inquisitive. Was it a "don't play with your food" kind of thing? Again, not knocking you, but I feel like that could have been segued into some kind of other lesson. "You see, ______. That's made for cookies, not sandwiches, and now it's all dirty. We're going to have to clean that after dinner". Then make the kid clean it and put it away. My mom used to get on my case for seemingly pointless stuff as a kid, and we fought, and fought, and fought.

No worries, and this is what I meant by in hindsight it seems petty and dumb. A little more back ground on this, earlier in the week she wanted to use this particular cookie cutter but couldn't find it so I did let her use another type that fit the size of the bread with little waste. Fast forward two days and she finds the cutter she wanted and it's almost twice the size of the bread. I tried to be diplomatic and offer to use it for something else on the weekend and she lost it because she didn't get her way. Upon reflection, my anger came from her not listening and also from the "i need to teach her that she doesn't always get what she wants" part of my brain.

I am continuously self reflecting and am trying to get better. In this instance I felt like ended up over reacting a bit especially since she was very well behaved the rest of the day. I ended up apologizing for my reaction and tried to explain to her that even though she broke the rules I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I consider myself tough but fair and try to go out of my way to praise them when they do the right thing. Part of it just my personality though. I'm very hard on myself and strive to do the best I can all the time and I'm noticing I hold my daughters and even my wife to the standards I hold for myself which is not always fair.

Offline Chino

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #176 on: January 11, 2019, 11:50:12 AM »
I'm not disagreeing with any action that comes after they disobey an order. I was more curious about the initial "no". Because as non-parent, that seems like no big deal to me. As a child, I was putting garden hoses down the oil inlet pipe to the furnace, shoving bagels in VCRs, and depositing my dad's coin collection into the floppy drives on his PCs. Wanting to turn a sandwich into a fun shape seems like small potatoes when I think about what children are capable of.

Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #177 on: March 05, 2019, 06:54:38 AM »
When I was 18, it was just an assumed fact by my family that I was going to college. There was a mindset by them that if I didn't, then I would be some sort of failure. (Despite none of them going to college)

I don't have kids at the moment, but as long as they find a way to support themselves, then I am cool with them not going to college. but How do you guys feel about this college situation? 

Imagine your child in in their senior year of high school and they come to you and say "I don't think college is for me". Are you cool with that, or would you still encourage college.

If I had a chance to do it again, I might pursue trade school. Pays pretty well from what I've seen.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 12:36:44 PM by Phoenix87x »

Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #178 on: March 05, 2019, 07:31:52 AM »
When I was 18, it was just an assumed fact by my family that I was going to college. There was a mindset by them that if I didn't, then I would be some sort of failure. (Despite none of them going to college)

I don't have kids at the moment, but as long as they find a way to support themselves, then I am cool with them not going to college. but How do you guys feel about this college situation? 

Imagine your child in in their senior year of high school and they come to you and say "I don't think college is for me". Are you cool with that, or would you still encourage college.

Lived it not 12 months (fuck... it's actually almost 24 months now!) ago.  Stepdaughter, but nonetheless.   I know for me, I wanted her to go to college with every fibre of my being (and I would have paid; take the student loan thing off the table).  Not because of "College! Job! 9 to 5!" but because she was dealing with some issues - a form of PTSD from her (real) dad's psychological abuse, psychological and physical abuse from a "boyfriend", bullying at school - she needed to get out of her little town.  She needed to meet people and be thrust into an environment where she could - in a healthy way - reinvent herself as herself.   She needed to stay up till 4 am siting in the hall talking about life and the meaning of the universe with other kids her age.   She needed to understand in a controlled environment how to make decisions for herself without mom there to pick up the pieces.   

She opted to elope with said boyfriend, who in classic abuser form, moved her five states away, where he's in the military and she's basically bored out of her titties.   I'm Mr. Degree (I have three of them) but I'm pragmatic; I understand that it's not for everyone and I accept that.  What I don't accept is not living up to your max capacity.  I don't believe we are all truly "equal" in the sense that we all have different capacities, and it's unreasonable to ask everyone to live to the same standard.  But rather than dumbing everyone down to the same standard (which, I have a sneaking suspicion, our society seems to want to do) I think we should all live to the best we can in the realm we choose.  I'm sad for her, because she's likely going to be like some of the women I encountered when I got my divorce:  30, 35, a couple kids, still reasonably attractive but running out of enthusiasm, and realizing that the "cool guy" in high school/college, well, that shit isn't cool when he's still doing it at 35 and you're stuck home doing laundry and what not. 

I'm speaking, by necessity, in generalities here because of course this isn't the case for everyone, but I think you get my point. 

Offline Grappler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #179 on: March 06, 2019, 12:32:43 PM »
When I was 18, it was just an assumed fact by my family that I was going to college. There was a mindset by them that if I didn't, then I would be some sort of failure. (Despite none of them going to college)

I don't have kids at the moment, but as long as they find a way to support themselves, then I am cool with them not going to college. but How do you guys feel about this college situation? 

Imagine your child in in their senior year of high school and they come to you and say "I don't think college is for me". Are you cool with that, or would you still encourage college.

My dad is a 43 year union retiree.  When I was 16 or 17 and the age where kids start applying to colleges, my parents gave me a choice.  I apply to and go to college or I sign up for a trade school, learn a trade and join a union.  They weren't going to let my brother and I be life-long retail employees.  They wanted us to have a good job, good benefits and be able to plan towards retirement.

My kids are very young, but I will having similar conversations with them as they are teenagers.  A college degree now is what a high school degree was for my parents' generation.  You had to have one to get a decent job.  So yes, they will be going to college in some manner, and I will recommend going away to a 4 year university like I and my wife did.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 09:02:22 AM by Grappler »

Offline cramx3

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #180 on: March 06, 2019, 02:00:11 PM »
I think it depends on the situation.  I am not a parent so this is just hypothetical to how I would see things. 

My parents very much said "go to college or you will fail".  I did want to go and I knew it would be good for me, so I definitely wasn't forced, but I was effectively brainwashed into thinking it was necessary to get a college degree.  I'm glad I did, it was best for me, but I do understand it is not best for everyone.  The cost of college is a huge factor now, I don't think I would encourage my child to go to college and take out a loan if it meant their degree would not be helpful towards building a career to not only pay off the loan, but to be able to have a relatively comfortable life money wise.  But I would have a hard time accepting a bum of a life from my child.  If they weren't going to go to college, they would need to get a job and build towards a career in something immediately to earn a living and be a responsible adult. 

College is more than just an education, it is about learning how life works and being on your own.  It builds character.  I'd encourage my child to attend but I wouldn't beat it into their head if their heart was somewhere else.

Offline Cool Chris

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #181 on: March 06, 2019, 03:45:58 PM »
College is more than just an education, it is about learning how life works and being on your own.  It builds character.  I'd encourage my child to attend but I wouldn't beat it into their head if their heart was somewhere else.


I have thoughs about college that are too complex to go in to here, but this is about where I am. Of course $100k is a lot of money to spend on "building character." You can do that getting a rundown apartment with some friends, working hard at the entry level job, and eating ramen 5 nights a week. I do take issue with "it is about learning how life works" though. What about college resembles "real life?" You go to the cafeteria where someone makes your meals, you go to your classes on racial equality and gender studies, play frisbee in the afternoon on the perfectly manicured grounds, you hit the frat or house party with more alcohol than some small countries, and have a wager with Otter and Boone to see who can coerce the most chicks back to your room by Christmas break.
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Offline cramx3

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #182 on: March 06, 2019, 03:59:49 PM »
College is more than just an education, it is about learning how life works and being on your own.  It builds character.  I'd encourage my child to attend but I wouldn't beat it into their head if their heart was somewhere else.


I have thoughs about college that are too complex to go in to here, but this is about where I am. Of course $100k is a lot of money to spend on "building character." You can do that getting a rundown apartment with some friends, working hard at the entry level job, and eating ramen 5 nights a week. I do take issue with "it is about learning how life works" though. What about college resembles "real life?" You go to the cafeteria where someone makes your meals, you go to your classes on racial equality and gender studies, play frisbee in the afternoon on the perfectly manicured grounds, you hit the frat or house party with more alcohol than some small countries, and have a wager with Otter and Boone to see who can coerce the most chicks back to your room by Christmas break.

Because you are on your own and responsible for yourself.  It's not exactly like being on your own in the real world, but it's significantly closer than being in high school or living with your parents.  It's a step in the direction.  And all your examples are part of that too.  Freshman year was so insane to see people struggle with such basics like laundry and then try to party but also pass an exam.  It's your first true juggle of all these things on your own, no one to bail you out.  You go in alone and have to figure it out on your own. 

Did you have the college experience?

Offline Cool Chris

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #183 on: March 06, 2019, 07:04:32 PM »
True, we are looking at the same coin from either side.

Yes, I have the college experience. I hated it. I wish with every ounce of my being i didn't go. But I put that on me and my mindset (and my expectations of my parents) than on college itself. I learned more about myself in the 3 months after college when I got my own place and went to work full time than I did in the 4 years I was in. But everyone is different of course.
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #184 on: March 06, 2019, 11:09:59 PM »
See, my experience was very very different.  I came out of a relatively small town, where most people knew everyone else.  That worked both ways; it was relatively safe, in the sense that there wasn't a ton of bullying and crap like that, but then again, you were always going to be who you were in second grade. 

So when I went to college at 17 and a virgin, I got to - in a positive way, and in a way that was more authentic - reinvent myself.  But with that also came good and bad.   Good, in that I could meet a ton of people that not only didn't know who I was, but had no preconceived notions.   I had to learn that the in-jokes and slang and vernacular didn't always carry over.   Further, not everyone could be trusted, and not everyone had the same values.   There wasn't the safety of the high school clique.  You had to refine your judgement really fast. 

I learned that your reputation was a tradable item.  In high school, if you hooked up, everyone knew about it within 48 hours.   And some people DIDN'T hook up because everyone would know in 48 hours.  In college? Sometimes all you were faced with was your conscience.  Could you look yourself in the mirror the next day?  Not only did most people not know, but most people didn't care.

I learned that you weren't getting a participation trophy (not that those were all that big where I came from, but still).   I learned that the world wasn't filled with people that worried about your self-esteem.  I don't mean this in the petty "Mean Girls" sort of way that you see in high school.  I mean it in a more benign, indifferent way.  The analogy I use is high school is like having a CD with 15 songs.  You listen to them, you know them, you live them.   Your town is like a box set, with, say, four CDs, and 60 songs.    You know them, and you're familiar with them.  College is like Spotify or Apple Music.   For all practical purposes, unlimited music of all genres and types.   

I learned more in the five years in college than in any other five years of my life, with the possible exception of the couple of years around the birth of my daughter.  Even if she fails out, I think I'd want my kid to at least have that experience for a year or so.

Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #185 on: June 05, 2019, 05:53:13 AM »
So a woman that I work evenings with has a 13 year old and a 16 year old and non-stop throughout the evening they are blowing up her phone with texts.

"I spilt milk, what should I do?"
"I can't find my sweater, what should I do?"
"I'm hungry, bring home food" (At 10pm mind you)

With each text, she immediately stops what she is doing to appease every single request. Their father is home with them by the way. But anyway, I don't have kids, but growing up I was on my own. No cell phones, no texting. Simple things I would have to figure out on my own. Of course, if the house was burning down or some other emergency, I could call the number to my mom's work, but it wasn't a guarantee that she would immediately be able to pick up.

For the people that have kids today, are you dealing with this? Do your kids try and text you for every little thing and if so, how do you handle it? Do you encourage independence or just help them with what they need?

Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #186 on: June 05, 2019, 08:13:32 AM »
Encourage independence. I'd ignore that shit - or threaten to block them. Personal texts while someone's at work better be one of two things - a real goddamn emergency, or an FYI message that doesn't require a response(eg, hey, we're almost out of toilet paper, can you pick some up on your way home)
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #187 on: June 05, 2019, 08:39:26 AM »
And pull dad aside and ask "what the fuck are you doing while I'm at work?  Put down the PlayStation and educate your kids, you worthless loser."

Or something like that. 

Offline vtgrad

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #188 on: June 05, 2019, 10:09:08 AM »
And pull dad aside and ask "what the fuck are you doing while I'm at work?  Put down the PlayStation and educate your kids, you worthless loser."

Or something like that.

 :rollin

I honestly see this type of thing on-and-off with my clients as well.  The best example I can think of is a purchase client I had two years ago who was (and I assume still is) a Safety Inspector for a Coal Mining company in Southwest Virginia; his specific job was to inspect and report on the structural integrity of the roofing systems (probably the most important safety job other than airflow in the mine).

I'm not exaggerating at all with my next comments... he was 30-yrs old and didn't know his SSN, didn't know his Salary/Wages (and couldn't guess), had no idea how much money he had in the bank or any other assets and was unsure of who he banked with even, he had never lived away from home and had one small account within his credit history (no issue there really).  His mother was taking care of all of that for him... I had to communicate with his mother for all of the application documentation and information and he obtained a specific POA for her to sign for him at Closing.  At that time, he made close to $100,000 per year (just salary not including benefits) and was a safety inspector for a mine; he didn't know his SSN or the amount of money that he made but he had literally hundreds of men's lives in his hands.

Some might pass that off for the culture in this area, but not for a 30-year old safety professional.  Mom had always done everything for him and he saw no reason to change that.  That's the most extreme example that I've dealt with.
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #189 on: June 05, 2019, 11:11:41 AM »
HOnestly, that doesn't really surprise me (or scare me, for that matter). For every multitasker that's doing their job, driving, texting, sweeping the floor with the broom that's up their ass and posting on DTF, there is a person that is literally a one-trick pony.  Can't balance a check book, but can - and this is a real person I know - design a state-of-the-art train locomotive on his desk top, or (as he is often called on to do) trouble shoot problems in existing locos as if he built them himself.


I'll try to find it (the link she sent me didn't work that well) but my wife sent me a link of the "12 things you should be able to do as you turn 13" and it was stunning.  Even my own kids - who I try to help be self-sufficient - can't or don't do all  of them.

Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #190 on: June 05, 2019, 11:35:02 AM »
For the people that have kids today, are you dealing with this? Do your kids try and text you for every little thing and if so, how do you handle it? Do you encourage independence or just help them with what they need?

My middle son texted me from school two weeks ago (they're out now) and it said "Dad, I forgot my lunch. Can you bring it to me by 11:35?" I replied back 'nope' Now, I couldn't logistically do it anyway BUT i still wouldn't have. When they take their lunch we have them make it at night and it's their responsibility to take it to school. He didn't go hungry...he ate a school lunch...but the point is he's almost 12, if he forgets his lunch that's on him and it's not up to me to make it right.

I explain/show/teach my boys how to do quite a few things....if I've went over something with them a handful of times and they come to me and ask me to do it or show them again I simply decline and tell them they're 'big boys' to figure it out. I do think that kids these days are coddled WAY more than the days of old. The interesting thing in our household is my 8 year old (turning 9 this month) has been raised 'tough' in the sense that I treat him like his two older brothers and due to that he is a very independent little kid who does quite a things on his own without asking for help....nor does he need the help. He just takes the initiative and gets whatever it is done be it his chores, changing batteries....whatever. The kid just figures it out.

For the most part I think my wife and I have done a pretty good job of not 'babying' our kids to the point they're helpless but also instruct and 'help' enough to where we're teaching them while doing (whatever) for them.
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Online Lethean

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #191 on: June 05, 2019, 11:59:06 AM »
I dunno... I think it all kind of depends on the parents and the kids.  Certainly we don't want kids who can't do anything for themselves and act like spoiled brats.  But my parents didn't make my brother and I do chores at all.  Somehow when the time came, we were both able to do our own laundry...  :P   We did however, have to do well in school.  So maybe that's how we learned how to be responsible and we were able to apply it to other things later.  I'm not a parent, but if I was I imagine I'd try to follow their example in most cases.  We had to do well in school and homework pretty much always came first, but then we were able to play or read or do what we wanted instead of doing household chores.  It seemed to work for us, and since you have to do all of that stuff when you're an adult, I guess it was nice not having to as a kid.

Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #192 on: June 05, 2019, 12:08:22 PM »
kind of change of topic but I'm posting it because my wife and I didn't really agree on how I handled this.

Last Saturday I was doing a lot of yard work and left the boys inside to do their chores. At one point I went inside to grab a glass of water and opened the back door to enter in to a series of screaming between my two oldest. My oldest son was enraged....screaming at my middle son that he was a liar and to shut up....where then my middle son was just saying....but you didn't do it...

i asked what was going on and my middle son started to tell me that his brother didn't complete his vacuuming chore...that he forgot to do the rooms upstairs.....when, out of nowhere my oldest son just screams 'you're a liar' and near runs over to him....grabs him by the neck and just full on smokes him in the nose.

Now, what you have to understand is my oldest rarely loses his cool like that....in fact, he's one of the sweetest kids you'd ever meet. To the point I worry that he's just too nice...that the world is going to chew him to pieces. And, my middle son is typically the 'aggressor' in the dynamic of my three sons. So...when I saw this happen....my first thought was I was really impressed and happy for my oldest that he 'manned up' and smoked his brother like that  :lol

They continued to yell at one another....i stepped in and told them both to knock it off....sent them to their rooms to cool down and i just went back outside and kept doing yard work. Where my wife disagreed later when she found out is that I didn't further discipline them. Being the oldest of three brothers I told her they're freaking brothers and she hadn't seen  :censored yet  :lol    I didn't see the need to ground anyone or revoke gaming privileges or take it any further than it already went.
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Offline Podaar

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #193 on: June 05, 2019, 12:15:48 PM »
I don’t know Gary, you probably shouldn’t cross her. She’s the one with the axes and superior reach.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #194 on: June 05, 2019, 12:18:08 PM »
Huh; I was struck more by what you sort of painted as the out-of-character behavior than the response itself.

Not being a dick here, but are you SURE this was about vacuuming the upstairs? 

Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #195 on: June 05, 2019, 12:24:44 PM »
Huh; I was struck more by what you sort of painted as the out-of-character behavior than the response itself.

Not being a dick here, but are you SURE this was about vacuuming the upstairs?

I did walk in in the middle of the argument....middle son was claiming that only the hallways and loft area were vacuumed.....oldest was upset saying he did it all. There very well could have been more to it. But, what you need to understand is that my middle son is pretty persistent in his 'bothering' and pestering of his two brothers. My youngest simply ignores him (which ticks him off even more) and my oldest usually just takes the brunt of it and gets upset. Not mad upset like he was but sad upset.

That's why I was kind of 'happy' to see him take it to him physically as his brother usually is the one who tries to dominate physically. the look on middle sons face when his older bro fought back was priceless to see. I think it did him some good to see that he can only push the kids so far.

Like I said....IMO that's just brother crap. nothing more.
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Offline MoraWintersoul

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #196 on: June 06, 2019, 03:27:08 AM »
We had to do well in school and homework pretty much always came first, but then we were able to play or read or do what we wanted instead of doing household chores.  It seemed to work for us, and since you have to do all of that stuff when you're an adult, I guess it was nice not having to as a kid.
I think it depends on the personality of the kid. For me, the dual attack of my mom delaying chores into infinity and talking about them as if it is the end of the world that she has chores, and my grandma exalting chores into the source of all happiness in life has really made me try to avoid them as much as possible. I already posted about getting unreasonably pissed over my mom bitching that she has to do something but not wanting to take 15 minutes to teach me how to do it when I was a teen. Looking at my behavior today, I think it made me wanna be clean and have a neat house but only do chores when no one is around so no one can make a big deal out of it or tell me what to do.

Not being a dick here, but are you SURE this was about vacuuming the upstairs? 
Not being a dick here: are you an only child?  :lol The fights that erupted between my brother, sister and me about every other Sunday when someone didn't vacuum their imaginary third of the room to another's liking were epic as fuck.

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Don't try to BS Milena about Kevin Moore facts, she will obscure quote you in the face.
You consistently make so much sense, and express yourself so eloquently, that I've decided you're basically a female version of robwebster.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #197 on: June 06, 2019, 07:00:55 AM »
Haha, I have a younger brother.  I can't really recall what we fought about, but for us it was a different environment. We never got into the "You're a LIAR!" kind of arguments unless and until it got to be later in life and the issues were heavier.  Then again, I grew up in an old-school, Eastern European house, so it wasn't as if we had a lot of chance to explain shit.   :) 

(I also grew up in a house with zero physical violence; my dad was sick from when I was a young kid, and it was an odd dynamic.  I could kick his ass from the age of maybe 12, and yet, I was very much scared of my dad in the sense of his approval and what not.   If that makes sense.) 

Offline cramx3

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #198 on: June 06, 2019, 09:38:50 AM »
I can still remember the last time my father attempted to beat me as a kid when I had started getting old and it no longer hurt and I just laughed.  That was the last time.  I always got spanked as a kid when I was being bad.