Author Topic: Parenting/marital advice  (Read 4167 times)

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Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #105 on: September 02, 2018, 08:44:05 PM »
I think Jingle is right as rain
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Offline Train of Naught

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #106 on: September 03, 2018, 12:20:04 AM »
He really seems like the kind of dude that guilt-trips his parents and jumps into the victim role just to be able to sit on his lazy ass all his life. His parents even offer him money and to help look for jobs and houses, ffs. I'm not a parent but I'm really curious if all of this has to do with bad parenting, or that there's also 'bad luck' involved for him to turn out this irresponsible?
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Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #107 on: September 03, 2018, 04:07:51 AM »
It's quite possible that the parents provided too well for him.  It's a fine line, and I get it... we want our children to have a better life than we did/do - that's part of the job of every parent (imo).  But in doing so, it also is a contributor to the sense of 'entitlement' that this new generation (by-and-large) has.  My kids have never had to want for anything - they've had sooooo much more than I ever did by the age of 18; vacations, gadgets, computers, clothes, toys ... you name it.  We've provided so much for them, I sometimes worry that they won't be able to transition into their adult life with realistic expectations for of what life owes them - which is absolutely nothing.
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #108 on: September 03, 2018, 08:14:47 AM »
It's quite possible that the parents provided too well for him.  It's a fine line, and I get it... we want our children to have a better life than we did/do - that's part of the job of every parent (imo).  But in doing so, it also is a contributor to the sense of 'entitlement' that this new generation (by-and-large) has.  My kids have never had to want for anything - they've had sooooo much more than I ever did by the age of 18; vacations, gadgets, computers, clothes, toys ... you name it.  We've provided so much for them, I sometimes worry that they won't be able to transition into their adult life with realistic expectations for of what life owes them - which is absolutely nothing.

I'm not sure we realize just how true this is. And it's not even necessarily the parents (though it is, don't get me wrong).  But there's a more insidious nature to this:   when I was a kid, if I missed a TV show, I had to deal with it.   There were no "on demands" or "Hulus".  I might get lucky and catch it on rerun in the summer, but it was dumb luck.   But I learned to accept that not everything was going to go my way, and not everything was available to me.  If I really wanted to watch a show, I had to put in the effort.   If there was a "happening" - for some reason, Charles Rocket saying "fuck" on SNL comes to mind - if I didn't catch it live, it was gone.  FOREVER.   Nowadays?   "Hey sweetie, such and such is on; come watch it with me!"   "Uh, no Dad, I'm going to binge watch the season, with creator commentary, this weekend."   It's an entitlement culture.   You see it in advertising ("You deserve the best!"), you see it in almost every aspect of life.  What do some of these kids have to 'figure out'?   

And not to throw a bone to guys like TAC (and me, as you'll see), but I know my kid will laugh at me if I try to make something work.  I had a ten year old Denon receiver and it worked perfectly; sounded so good, but it was a nightmare with all the HDMI inputs.  So I posted (here, as it happens) found out there was a switch I could get and ran the wires.  Problem solved!   They called it "Bill's Switch" in my house because everyone under the age of 25 thought it was ridiculous that I didn't go out and buy a new receiver.  (And the moral here is not about being "cheap", but rather, having to make do and focus on the end goal, not the ease of getting there).   

We were talking about work, and I said "well, you realize that the objective of work is to make money for the business, right?  Not to have a comfy chair, or great hours, or a boss that loves you and thinks you're the "Kanye to her Kim..." and the only person in the room that didn't look at me like I was high was my father-in-law, who mumbled "amen" under his breath.  Now, those things HELP you make money for the business, no doubt, but the point was, it's not about YOU. 

Rant over, sorry. 
« Last Edit: September 03, 2018, 09:03:15 AM by Stadler »

Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #109 on: September 03, 2018, 08:27:25 AM »
Awesome rant.  :hifive:
I think Jingle is right as rain
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That's meme-speak for "We are really f*****g lazy when we can't eve say full words".

Offline bosk1

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #110 on: September 04, 2018, 07:24:39 AM »
A+++++++++++++ rant, would read again
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Offline TAC

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #111 on: September 04, 2018, 01:40:05 PM »

And not to throw a bone to guys like TAC (and me, as you'll see), but I know my kid will laugh at me if I try to make something work.

Hah! It's not even just technology. You should see me with gas engines. It's why I have an electric blower and weed whacker.*




Regarding parenting, I feel like as a parent, I'd like to comment, but I'm not sure what I would say. I think some people work real hard at instilling values, but sometimes I think kids surviving their teens with their heads screwed on tight is nothing more than a lucky continuous set of circumstances. One show my wife and I will watch is Intervention, and it is so sickeningly tragic on all fronts. Parents, home, parenting, friends, siblings,...all conspire.





* I will stalk and kill anyone that manipulates this sentence and quotes it put of context.
« Last Edit: September 04, 2018, 02:44:10 PM by TAC »
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #112 on: September 04, 2018, 02:42:22 PM »
Yeah, Intervention is a tough one to watch.  You see the parents retelling the story of their child growing up, and it's heartbreaking.  One bad decision to smoke crack, or try some other kind of 'hard' drug, and your life is just absolutely fucked.  I hate watching it for the thought of ever being in that situation myself.
I think Jingle is right as rain
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That's meme-speak for "We are really f*****g lazy when we can't eve say full words".

Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #113 on: September 04, 2018, 03:12:22 PM »
I'm 50.  I've lived about 40, 45 years believing - deep in my heart - that no decision was irreversible.  You make a mistake, you rebound and you move on.   I'm now in the process of switching horses; there ARE decisions that are irreversible.   There are mistakes that you can't walk back.  Thankfully, they are few and far between, but nonetheless...  I think my job is, to the extent possible, prepare my kid for having as few of those decision points as possible.   

Offline Indiscipline

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #114 on: September 04, 2018, 05:20:06 PM »
Mistakes are really the tricky key here.

I'm still a focking mess of a work in progress as a parent - not mentioning I started being one when my girl was already 13 - so I won't dare to pass judgement, but I surely can talk as a son. I left home too early, made an outrageous quantity of mistakes and yet my current serenity is a product of some kind of honest and responsible reaction to said mistakes. In hindsight, I believe that was possible because I witnessed my parents making mistakes time and time again, but always taking responsibility and dealing with them in honesty afterwards.

Obviously chaos and chance exist, and a bad choice at the bad moment can screw up lives beyond repair, but it's been the actual example of facing self-imposed adversity that allowed me to grow, while I'm not sure living with perfect parents would have prepared me to face the focked up path I set for myself.

On both sides, it's really walking a tightrope blindfold. You really need to have the right balance, instincts, and pray for friendly winds.

Online Phoenix87x

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #115 on: December 16, 2018, 07:50:52 AM »
Has anyone ever had a conversation with their kids about being careful what they say on social media, since it lives on long after its written and can be held against them later down the line?

And if you did,  did it seem to get through to them?
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Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #116 on: December 16, 2018, 08:25:24 AM »
How old are your kids? 

Jingle.kids weren't on any social media platforms until they were in HS - when we got them their first phones.  That was 4 years ago. Not sure if my advice/tactics would apply today to young children. But, we just told them that every and anything on the internet is forever.  Drilled that into their brains over and over again.  Thankfully they were at an age where they were able to grasp and comprehend that.

I couldn't imagine having a pre-teen in this day/age.
I think Jingle is right as rain
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That's meme-speak for "We are really f*****g lazy when we can't eve say full words".

Offline TAC

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #117 on: December 16, 2018, 11:10:42 AM »
Jingle.kids weren't on any social media platforms until they were in HS - when we got them their first phones.  That was 4 years ago. Not sure if my advice/tactics would apply today to young children. But, we just told them that every and anything on the internet is forever.  Drilled that into their brains over and over again.  Thankfully they were at an age where they were able to grasp and comprehend that.

Right.  Both of my kids have Instagram. My wife follows both of them. We're obviously not worried about our oldest, unless he's getting bullied online. Our youngest watches out for that for us and he's good about it.


My youngest is very committed academically. I told him that anything he posts online can and may looked at by any college he wants to to go. This is a big deal for him.
I told him that if he posts anything, he needs to treat it as if it could a newspaper headline.
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #118 on: December 16, 2018, 12:39:03 PM »
Has anyone ever had a conversation with their kids about being careful what they say on social media, since it lives on long after its written and can be held against them later down the line?

And if you did,  did it seem to get through to them?

Yes.

No. 

Having said that, my kids are sort of in the same boat as TAC's kids.  I have one kid (he's 25) that's in the military, and they drill (pun intended) that into them.  One kid that's 20 that's now married on her own and, well, is probably past the time of naked selfies and stuff (though she was bullied in high school, pretty severely).  One kid that's going to be 18 that is applying to schools and is petrified that she's not going to get into a good school (though she's been accepted in three already, go figure). 
« Last Edit: December 16, 2018, 12:51:25 PM by Stadler »

Online Phoenix87x

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #119 on: December 16, 2018, 02:22:42 PM »
How old are your kids? 


No kids yet. I just like thinking about parenting.
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Online lordxizor

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #120 on: December 16, 2018, 02:25:30 PM »
I'm determined to keep my kids off social media as long as possible. Hell, right now I honestly want to say no until they're 18. Mine are 3, 7, and 9 right now. I think my phone makes me a worse person and I want to keep them away from it as long as possible. I should really just get rid of mine.

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #121 on: December 17, 2018, 02:51:51 PM »
We have three boys...8,11, and 12. The two oldest do have cell phones now because they get out of school a bit earlier and usually beat my wife and/or I home by half hour or so.....so, we got them the phones.

But, they do not have any social media accounts like Facebook, Twitter, Snap chat etc etc.

What they DO have though are their own Youtube channels. They and their friends are all obsessed with becoming 'youtubers'....and we went ahead and allowed them to create a channel and post videos.

There are rules though. Both my wife and I view the videos first to make sure there is no vital or private info being shared like full names, addresses...etc etc. There have been a couple instances of us not allowing a vid to be uploaded. Second is that their channels are private. Only a handful of their subscribers can see the vids.

I'd say about 1 out of 10 of their videos are actually 'funny'....the rest are just silly little inside joke deals between them and their friends. It keeps them busy and they seem to like it so we allow it.
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Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #122 on: December 17, 2018, 04:28:06 PM »
That's a sensible way to start Gary. Similar to what we did.  Also... no data plan until this summer when they were moving away from home.  While in High School, they had wifi at school and home, and unlimited calling/texting.  That's what the phone was for - no need to have data and apps running wherever / whenever.  Instagram and SnapChat are the two primary SM platforms they use.  The only have Twitter and FB to follow and keep abreast of a handful of things they need to follow (ie, school stuff, sports, and some political stuff jingle.daughter helps mrs.jingle with).  They don't Tweet or use FB for themselves - those platforms are mostly (I think) passe for their generation.
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Online gmillerdrake

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #123 on: December 17, 2018, 05:25:12 PM »
My oldest is in middle school and he is BEGGING to have Snapchat. “Everyone” has it.....one of those deals ya know. It’s just not gonna happen.

Now the phones they have are smart phones....but they are limited to what they can do on them. And, with thier phones and the tablets they all have.....we’ve set up the downtime through the family sharing plan to where they’re only active in certain windows of time during the day. AND....they have to earn that screen time....which is then up to them whether or not they use it on the couple phone games we let them play or their PlayStation.

We’re trying to be ‘smart’ about it....all the while realizing it’s a totally different ballgame out there compared to when we grew up. Of course you want your kids to have fun and all but it’s just crazy. Hearing the stories about young kids killing themselves for being teased online and stuff. It’s heartbreaking and can make you go insane with worry if you allow it to.

Thus far our little ‘system’ has held up....but I know we’re approaching some tough decisions with the older two here in a couple years as far as ‘what’ we allow and ‘what’ they want.
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #124 on: December 17, 2018, 07:43:45 PM »
And I don't think I have to tell you all that the internet is a deep, dark, scary place.  If a human can think it, it's out there somewhere. 

Offline cramx3

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #125 on: December 18, 2018, 07:36:29 AM »
And I don't think I have to tell you all that the internet is a deep, dark, scary place.  If a human can think it, it's out there somewhere.

oh geeze what have you thought of  :biggrin:

Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #126 on: December 18, 2018, 08:51:55 AM »
Haha, that's for me and my therapist.  :)

Offline bosk1

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #127 on: December 18, 2018, 11:28:59 AM »
Gary, our approach is similar to yours (not worth getting into all the nuances, but it's close enough).  But I find that one of the challenges we face with our kids at 13 and 15 is just habitual nature of reaching for the phone for whatever, whether it be "lemme get in one quick game" or "so and so is messaging me" or whatever.  So we try to be actively involved in calling that out.  Even if their time on the phone on a given day isn't "excessive" or they aren't violating their screen time allowance, if they are reaching for the screen during family time or time when company is over, or it looks like they are just mindlessly pulling out the phone out of habit, or whatever, we will call a "time out" and talk about it, sometimes making them put it away for an hour or so, or doing whatever else seems appropriate under the circumstances.
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Offline cramx3

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #128 on: December 18, 2018, 12:47:03 PM »
What's kind of sad, I don't think I'd survive in your house Bosk.  I've become so attached to my phone.  I got to give props to those parents who can get their kids to keep some distance between the phones.  My sister pretty much gives her babies phones.  Obviously they don't know how to use them, but my niece definitely understands when she sees pictures of herself though and it's kind of scary that my sister allows the babies to understand the concept of a selfie.  She is always looking to grab a phone if she sees one.  Shes not even 18 months old.  Apparently some massive studies are being done on the impact of staring at phone screens in kids, it won't be done any time soon (the one I read was a 10 year study that just started), but early results are already showing that it's not very healthy for kids and they think they are going to have plenty of evidence to support that.  And having said that, I am just so friggin bad and guilty myself.  I don't know how I could raise a child and expect them to not want a phone or to not give into the urge to give the phone when the child wants it.

Offline TAC

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #129 on: December 18, 2018, 12:48:37 PM »
What's kind of sad, I don't think I'd survive in your house Bosk.

 :lol

Now THAT would make a great reality series.
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Offline bosk1

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #130 on: December 18, 2018, 12:49:24 PM »
At the very least, it is habit-forming, and we are just trying to do our best to point that out and to do things that cause them to be more aware of making conscious decisions to use or not use it rather than just being on autopilot.  And believe me, it is equally to my benefit.
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Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #131 on: December 18, 2018, 03:04:19 PM »
The amount of evidence showing adolescents are now addicted to devices is staggering.  Go watch the addiction/technology video by Simon Sinek.  It's alarming.  To counter that, there are also articles I've read recently that suggest a 'backlash' is coming ... ala a 'metoo' movement against technology.
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That's meme-speak for "We are really f*****g lazy when we can't eve say full words".

Online Phoenix87x

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #132 on: December 18, 2018, 03:17:42 PM »
The amount of evidence showing adolescents are now addicted to devices is staggering.  Go watch the addiction/technology video by Simon Sinek.  It's alarming.  To counter that, there are also articles I've read recently that suggest a 'backlash' is coming ... ala a 'metoo' movement against technology.

Do you feel that backlash will come from the generation of people that grew up with it, having never known anything else (Like someone born in 2005) or from people that were born before it became ubiquitous?

I was born in 86 and was mid twenties when I created my first facebook account and started to engage in all that. I found it making me more anxious and not really adding all that much to my life, so around 28 I deleted all social media. Got rid of facebook, twitter and instagram and feel like for me personally, that was a positive decision.
The only form of social media I still participate in is this Forum, which I feel brings very fulfilling and deeper discourse than the conventional social media. 
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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #133 on: December 18, 2018, 03:18:10 PM »
The amount of evidence showing adolescents are now addicted to devices is staggering.  Go watch the addiction/technology video by Simon Sinek.  It's alarming.  To counter that, there are also articles I've read recently that suggest a 'backlash' is coming ... ala a 'metoo' movement against technology.

I'll believe it when I see it, I don't see a backlash coming against tech but I could see a bit of that going against like facebook or something.  I would say it already seems people have backlashed against Facebook.

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #134 on: December 18, 2018, 03:25:06 PM »
I was born in 86 

I graduated high school in '86.  :lol



The only form of social media I still participate in is this Forum, which I feel brings very fulfilling and deeper discourse than the conventional social media. 

On this, I am totally with you! Totally.
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Offline jingle.boy

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #135 on: December 19, 2018, 04:41:29 AM »
The amount of evidence showing adolescents are now addicted to devices is staggering.  Go watch the addiction/technology video by Simon Sinek.  It's alarming.  To counter that, there are also articles I've read recently that suggest a 'backlash' is coming ... ala a 'metoo' movement against technology.

I'll believe it when I see it, I don't see a backlash coming against tech but I could see a bit of that going against like facebook or something.  I would say it already seems people have backlashed against Facebook.

I'm not going to post the whole article here, but The Coming Tech Backlash is the latest one I've read.

Quote
Of course, no one should minimize the immense value each of these companies has already created for the world’s consumers. Still, the fact is that they now profit handsomely by suppressing competition and selling users’ personal data, while simultaneously generating a tsunami of financial catastrophes and job losses for offline companies in traditionally strong sectors, from retailing and distribution to media and telecommunications.

I think that younger generations will turn on them - over the lack of privacy / use of personal data topic.  The Millennial / Gen Z generations are all about 'changing the world' and having purpose.  Traditional business models that favor profitability above all else, and the 'too big to fail' aspect now bleeding in to Tech could very well be their downfall.  Not to mention most of the Big Tech hide their profits in places like Ireland, and have gobs and gobs of cash just sitting around, while the US deficit continues to cruise along - just about ti hit $22T.
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That's meme-speak for "We are really f*****g lazy when we can't eve say full words".

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #136 on: December 19, 2018, 08:14:48 AM »
Yea, the data mining and selling is what could cause the backlash for sure, but I didnt think about the gobs of cash and that angle.  I don't know, it could definitely happen.  I guess I just can't imagine a world where tech isn't there anymore nor a world where people who lived with tech no longer want any of it.

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #137 on: December 19, 2018, 08:42:35 AM »
Gary, our approach is similar to yours (not worth getting into all the nuances, but it's close enough).  But I find that one of the challenges we face with our kids at 13 and 15 is just habitual nature of reaching for the phone for whatever, whether it be "lemme get in one quick game" or "so and so is messaging me" or whatever.  So we try to be actively involved in calling that out.  Even if their time on the phone on a given day isn't "excessive" or they aren't violating their screen time allowance, if they are reaching for the screen during family time or time when company is over, or it looks like they are just mindlessly pulling out the phone out of habit, or whatever, we will call a "time out" and talk about it, sometimes making them put it away for an hour or so, or doing whatever else seems appropriate under the circumstances.

We're combating that right now. And it's not just the kids...it's my wife and I also. In fact....two weeks ago I instituted the 6:00 pm curfew on tablets/phones for us all. No screen time/phones/tv after 6:00. The caveat being that if it's a TV program we watch as a family then we all watch together. As a family we enjoy Survivor, The Goldbergs....things like that. And as long as it's a family deal the TV is fine. And...if there is a phone call or important text we address it....otherwise....no phones. 

We were just getting to a point where everyone fractured off into their own little 'worlds' far too often. Two of the Three of my boys are really good about when they get home from school their out the door to the neighborhood buddies and they play for a few hours. My youngest was/is getting far to comfortable disappearing into his iPad so we're getting that under control now. And, as for my wife and I....we noticed that we too would just get on the phone or iPad and vanish for a bit. It is a habit and one that we're addressing.

As far as the Playstation and when they can play games that's just an earned time deal. They can earn (4) hours of gaming time on the weekends throughout the week.... but the weekend is the only time they get to play the Playstation. There are some times here and there we will allow them to go over (4) hours....if they're having a sleep over or something then we'll let them exceed it....but all in all they have to earn the time and then it's up to them how they use it as far as what game(s) they play.


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Offline TAC

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #138 on: December 19, 2018, 09:10:53 AM »

We're combating that right now. And it's not just the kids...it's my wife and I also. In fact....two weeks ago I instituted the 6:00 pm curfew on tablets/phones for us all. No screen time/phones/tv after 6:00. The caveat being that if it's a TV program we watch as a family then we all watch together. As a family we enjoy Survivor, The Goldbergs....things like that. And as long as it's a family deal the TV is fine. And...if there is a phone call or important text we address it....otherwise....no phones. 


Wow!
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #139 on: December 19, 2018, 09:15:45 AM »

We're combating that right now. And it's not just the kids...it's my wife and I also. In fact....two weeks ago I instituted the 6:00 pm curfew on tablets/phones for us all. No screen time/phones/tv after 6:00. The caveat being that if it's a TV program we watch as a family then we all watch together. As a family we enjoy Survivor, The Goldbergs....things like that. And as long as it's a family deal the TV is fine. And...if there is a phone call or important text we address it....otherwise....no phones. 


Wow!

I know it's drastic but we need(ed) to get the whole phone/tablet/tv thing under control. It's easy to get relaxed and just let the kids do whatever and then us just getting lost in the phone....so we're just trying to get some 'order' to it all. It's a constant battle.
Without Faith.....Without Hope.....There can be No Peace of Mind