Author Topic: Parenting/marital advice  (Read 5136 times)

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Offline bosk1

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Parenting/marital advice
« on: December 20, 2016, 04:59:48 PM »
So...

Son #1 makes fun of Son #2's basketball shooting ability.  Son #2 responds by firing the ball at Son #1's ribcage as hard as he can.  Wife then calls at work and demands that I make them change their behavior.  I fail to get what needs to be changed.  As far as I'm concerned: brothers being brothers; let them be and let them work it out. 

DTF's thoughts?
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Offline PowerSlave

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2016, 05:10:08 PM »
Sounds like brothers being brothers to me. Me and my brother were much like this when we were kids. We're basically best friends now.
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Offline pogoowner

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2016, 05:16:34 PM »
I can't think of any good way that you'd deal with it anyway. I grew up with three brothers, and we're all very reserved/restrained people, but that behavior doesn't sound out of the ordinary or outlandish in any way.

Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2016, 05:27:27 PM »
Sounds like brothers being brothers to me. Me and my brother were much like this when we were kids. We're basically best friends now.

Yep. I was the oldest of three boys and I am raising three boys. Sounds like 'normal' to me. I don't think there has been a day that's gone by in the past three or four years where there hasn't been some sort of physical "fight".....wrestling etc. it's just the way boys are.

And....your wife sounds like mine. She's always asking me if I'm going to intervene and my standard line to them now is "if your going to fight and wrestle like that i dont want anyone to come crying to me if one of you gets hurt"
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Offline Cool Chris

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2016, 05:27:55 PM »
What ages?
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Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2016, 05:33:16 PM »
What ages?

Not sure if this for me or Bosk...  but mine are 10, 9 and 6
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Offline kingshmegland

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #6 on: December 20, 2016, 05:33:52 PM »
Boys being boys but you get home and a punishment for both behaviors is appropriate. Bed early is good enough.
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Offline TAC

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2016, 05:40:15 PM »
If you really want to get their attention, just tell them you closed a sub forum today! :D
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Offline KevShmev

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2016, 05:40:30 PM »
Boys being boys but you get home and a punishment for both behaviors is appropriate. Bed early is good enough.

I agree with this.  It's definitely boys being boys, and while it's nothing to overreact to, punishment is needed.

Offline bosk1

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #9 on: December 20, 2016, 05:44:53 PM »
They are 13 and 11.  Oldest threw the ball at the youngest.  I'm pretty strict, and I do punish and not let things slide.  But it's not even like they got into a fistfight or wrestling match over it.  They moved on and kept doing stuff together after a minute or two. 
"The Supreme Court of the United States has descended from the disciplined legal reasoning of John Marshall and Joseph Story to the mystical aphorisms of the fortune cookie."

Offline TAC

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #10 on: December 20, 2016, 05:46:22 PM »
Sounds like you feel you should still address it though.

I would just tell Son #1 the you do not make fun of anybody's abilities EVER, ESPECIALLY your brother. And I would tell Son #2 that you do not EVER strike your brother.
No punishment needed.

would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
Winger Theater Forums................or WTF.  ;D

Offline El Barto

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #11 on: December 20, 2016, 05:52:27 PM »
SN2 gets up against the garage and SN1 gets three free shots with the basketball. Seems pretty obvious to me, but what do I know.

And out of curiosity, if SN1 came out of it with 3 broken ribs, does that warrant a change in behavior? Basketballs are hard.
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Offline PowerSlave

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #12 on: December 20, 2016, 06:04:20 PM »
SN2 gets up against the garage and SN1 gets three free shots with the basketball.

Bosk might want to be a grandfather some day. You know that at least one of those free shots would be to the nuts. It's teen age boys we're talking about, after all.
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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #13 on: December 20, 2016, 06:07:00 PM »
I'm not married nor am I a father (to my knowledge), so my advice is simply to watch the movie Dogtooth.


Pretty sure all questions are answered in it.
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Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #14 on: December 20, 2016, 06:16:16 PM »
Boys will be boys

"Correct them" in front of the wife. Then pull them aside separately and say "yo, not so rough in front of her, but I'm proud of you"

There really is no issue here.
« Last Edit: December 20, 2016, 07:03:46 PM by Phoenix87x »

Offline Dr. DTVT

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #15 on: December 20, 2016, 06:17:09 PM »
I don't have a brother, but siblings fight.  Better fighting with each other and not others.  Tell the older son his punishment is he has to teach the younger son how to shoot, and if younger son doesn't improve, he has to run laps.
     

Offline 7th

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #16 on: December 20, 2016, 06:23:40 PM »
I gotta go with "You make fun of someone, you may get popped.  That's life."  Your sons already know this obviously, the reaction from your wife is due to her not understanding how males operate, and how could she being female.  One way to diplomatically handle it would be to tell her you will talk to them about it, and then talk to them about it and why reactionary behavior is often bad, then shoot some hoops with them and if they make fun of your abilities throw the ball at them for A) making fun of you, and B) not listening to your talk. :-)
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Offline Chino

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #17 on: December 20, 2016, 07:57:57 PM »
Let the younger one get a free shot at the older one with a basket ball and call it even.

Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #18 on: December 20, 2016, 07:59:37 PM »
If this was just them jacking around I personally wouldnt even bother with discipline. When any of mine do something like this to the other I ask them if they'd like it if someone winged a ball into Their ribs and if something like that happens to them then don't come a cryin' to me about it. I'd be more exhausted than i already am if i had to address every little sucker punch, toy/ball throw.

But if this was a 'fight' and the older son was whooping up on the younger with real intent to hurt or just be mean then (for me at least) that's different than just jacking around and some discipline is in order.
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Offline Prog Snob

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #19 on: December 20, 2016, 08:01:15 PM »
It's much ado about nothing. If it persisted, then I'd be more inclined to say it deserves stricter parental attention. It seems like they blew off a little steam and were able to move on.

Offline TempusVox

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #20 on: December 20, 2016, 09:00:35 PM »
It really isn't about S1,or S2. The issue is Mrs. Bosk has obviously reached her limit today. Tell the boys, "You're both trying your mother's patience, so figure it out and knock that shit off!"

Then bring Mrs. Bosk some jewelry, or flowers. Tell her you appreciate all that she does, and send her for a massage and/or a mani/pedi at the spa.

That is how you fix this issue.

Never forget the cardinal rule of marriage. Happy wife...Happy life. Especially a wife with a teen boy around.  Vox Jr. is 19 and my wife's step-son. Between his mother and my wife I sometimes am astonished he's still with us, and not at least tooling about with a permanent limp or drools when he speaks. But by the Grace of God, and (for his step mom's sake) my ability to recognize she didn't need me to deal with him, she needed me to deal with her...he has made it relatively unscathed.
 :biggrin:
« Last Edit: December 20, 2016, 09:10:42 PM by TempusVox »
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Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #21 on: December 20, 2016, 09:08:01 PM »
It really isn't about S1,or S2. The issue is Mrs. Bosk has obviously reached her limit today. Tell the boys, "You're both trying your mother's patience, so figure it out and knock that shit off!"

Then bring Mrs. Bosk some jewelry, or flowers. Tell her you appreciate all that she does, and send her for a massage and/or a mani/pedi at the spa.

That is how you fix this issue.

:clap:   Spoken like a wise Sage
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Offline hefdaddy42

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #22 on: December 21, 2016, 06:47:31 AM »
It really isn't about S1,or S2. The issue is Mrs. Bosk has obviously reached her limit today. Tell the boys, "You're both trying your mother's patience, so figure it out and knock that shit off!"

Then bring Mrs. Bosk some jewelry, or flowers. Tell her you appreciate all that she does, and send her for a massage and/or a mani/pedi at the spa.

That is how you fix this issue.

Never forget the cardinal rule of marriage. Happy wife...Happy life.
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #23 on: December 21, 2016, 06:55:20 AM »
I would have that conversation with the kids:

- Son 1:  How'd you like it if...
- Son 2:  No one likes to be made fun of, but rather than throw the ball at HIM, why not throw the ball at the hoop another 50, 100 times and get better?
- Wife:   I'm sorry you had a hard day, sweetie.   I talked to both of them as you asked.  And I will if it happens again, but please understand that this is how young boys communicate, and hopefully they have learned a lesson from this.

I get discipline, I get having respect for others, but I'm not a huge fan of coddling in the sense of "oh, it's okay, NO ONE should EVER be made fun of.  Come have some pudding!"   It changes form (sometimes) but the world is a cruel place, and is not interested in your self-esteem.  They will have to do that themselves, and the sooner they do (without sticking their head in the sand) the better they'll be.

Offline sylvan

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #24 on: December 21, 2016, 07:01:21 AM »
I don't so much disagree with anyone, I just see it a little differently. To me, it's not so much a punishable offense, as it is a teaching/learning moment.

My first thought is about the reaction of just throwing something because you're mad. You know who does that without thinking about the consequences of their actions: Women (maybe an overgeneralization...). It's not okay to just pick something up and throw it at somebody, whether it's a basketball/baseball/soccerball or a heavy glass. People need to learn self control. It's not okay to act now and apologize later.

Yeah, boys will be boys. I'm 18 months older than my brother, and he's a narcissistic asshole that is all about making other people feel bad. There was a point in my life (not a child) where I was really angry, and he was a real prick. We never really got into it, cuz I had self control even though I was in a bad place. But, I had the realization that if I reacted appropriately to a lot of the stuff with him, we would have been fist fighting ALL THE TIME!  Sooo... I think my point here is pick your battles. Not everything has to be fightin' words.

And then there's the person on the other side. People can justify the ball throw as an appropriate response to the verbal ripping. What about the response from the person hit by the ball? There's a progressive escalation, and who decides where to draw the line? What if that kid picks up a bat or something else heavy, and attacks the other kid? To me, that's an appropriate response to being physically attacked with another object. Is the ball thrower ready to take a fist, or even a bat, to the face simply because they don't have enough self control to not pick something up and throw it when someone says something about them they don't like? (Like attacking the sacred nature of someone's basketball shooting ability at age 12)

The ultimate point is be ready to pay for your actions, whether you're the shit talked or the ball thrower.

Offline Sir GuitarCozmo

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #25 on: December 21, 2016, 07:02:43 AM »
Enroll both of them in a competitive dodgeball league.  They'll both learn the meaning of pain and neither will throw a ball at the other again.

Offline kingshmegland

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #26 on: December 21, 2016, 07:06:08 AM »
Enroll both of them in a competitive dodgeball league.  They'll both learn the meaning of pain and neither will throw a ball at the other again.

That's not true,  I enjoyed hurting my buddies. :lol
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Offline Chino

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #27 on: December 21, 2016, 07:43:57 AM »

Then bring Mrs. Bosk some jewelry, or flowers. Tell her you appreciate all that she does, and send her for a massage and/or a mani/pedi at the spa.

That is how you fix this issue.



Ahhh. Good ol' bribery. I like it. You have to be careful though. If she catches on, she'll just start complaining because she wants a spa day. It's a trap!

Offline Skeever

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #28 on: December 21, 2016, 11:10:24 AM »
Boys will be boys

"Correct them" in front of the wife. Then pull them aside separately and say "yo, not so rough in front of her, but I'm proud of you"

There really is no issue here.
As the product of parents who seemed to get their rocks off constantly undermining each other, I'm gonna cast my vote on "do not do this."

It really isn't about S1,or S2. The issue is Mrs. Bosk has obviously reached her limit today.

I'm gonna go with this.

Offline bosk1

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #29 on: December 21, 2016, 11:49:45 AM »
Boys will be boys

"Correct them" in front of the wife. Then pull them aside separately and say "yo, not so rough in front of her, but I'm proud of you"

There really is no issue here.
As the product of parents who seemed to get their rocks off constantly undermining each other, I'm gonna cast my vote on "do not do this."

It really isn't about S1,or S2. The issue is Mrs. Bosk has obviously reached her limit today.

I'm gonna go with this.

Yeah, and if my initial post came off as dismissive or inclined to undermine Mrs. Bosk, that wasn't my intent.  I ultimately went with an approach similar to what was described here, where I talked to the boys and addressed it, but didn't take a tone of coming down on them hard either--just to remind them to (1) think about how they interact with people, including each other, and be more careful; and (2) think about how their actions impact their mother, who has to be with them all day, and if they frustrate her to the point where she is calling me at work, it is not going to go well for them even if the conduct is minor.  And I talked to my wife as well to let her know that (1) I had her back no matter what and appreciate all she does and has to put up with, and (2) really, this is just boys being boys, and since no one got hurt or intended to really hurt the other, probably best to let them learn from it and just move on.
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Offline Sir GuitarCozmo

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #30 on: December 21, 2016, 12:37:14 PM »
So no dodgeball league?

Offline Implode

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #31 on: December 21, 2016, 03:35:08 PM »
This is a good thread. I think you did right, Bosk.

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #32 on: December 21, 2016, 05:07:18 PM »
Shit if neither myself or any of my four older brothers end up in a hospital or back if a police cruiser, my mom counted it as a win.
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Offline kingshmegland

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #33 on: December 21, 2016, 05:30:00 PM »
Bosk1,  you'll appreciate this.

https://youtu.be/SpBIZgvjWmA
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Offline eric42434224

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Re: Parenting/marital advice
« Reply #34 on: December 21, 2016, 07:54:46 PM »
Shit if neither myself or any of my four older brothers end up in a hospital or back if a police cruiser, my mom counted it as a win.

LOL.  My Mom was the one who called the State Troopers when me and my Brothers' fights got out of control!
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