The DTF Old As Mold Club v. 40 IS The New 30! Kids Stay Out!

[wolfking]

When your hung like Gregg, the blood always goes south. 

I wish! 

No, it's just that I've been lying down or sitting quite a bit with my feet elevated while wearing loose clothing. My John-Henry-Thomas has been dangling between my thighs and since it's close to the incision point, blood has been pooling in the sorry little guy. Turned him a nice shade of purple-black.

Holy shit dude!

[wolfking]

Not sure if it has anything to do with turning 36 not long ago but been going through a whole lot of emotions lately.  When COVID happened it was hard as being a Supervisor for 12 years standing staff down and closing the doors.  Opening the business again 3 days ago, I have no fucking idea why I've been doing this job for so long.  The responsibility, effort, time and everything else that goes with it simply isn't worth the money anymore.  A couple of you know I'm just a broken record here and have mentioned this sort of shit before.  But while shut down, actually going in normal hours, working and actually being able to clock off, not worry about work, staff, if people will turn up, managing people, dealing with the public etc. has been amazing for me.  It's now 10 times more difficult going back.

You question everything, why you do what you do, ask yourself the meaning of life, all that sort of shit.  Why do you get up everyday and put yourself through all this.  Just to be a slave and make a few bucks.  People don't appreciate your efforts, staff don't give a fuck, why fucking bother?

Anyway the point is, when you hit certain ages I guess you look at what's left and just question more and more what you are doing and what you should be doing.  One day I'll grow the balls to take a leap of faith.  But the world isn't getting any easier that you have a selection of jobs to choose from.

Sorry for the random off topic post.  I had a difficult day personally yesterday and needed to post that somewhere.

[King Postwhore]

I wrestle with that as well but the pay is good.

Also, 

[wolfking]

Al Bundy is one of my heroes.

[TAC]

One of my best friends in 9th grade, his father was Red Foreman. Looked like him, sounded like him. I totally get it.

Not sure if it has anything to do with turning 36 not long ago but been going through a whole lot of emotions lately. 

Kade, hopefully this will help, but I have turned 30, I've turned 40, and then I turned 50.

But the one birthday I had the most emotions with was my 36th birthday. No lie. For some reason, I just felt that I had crossed some sort of threshold. It was at that point I no longer considered myself young. The jump from early to mid 30's,to mid to late 30's felt like a giant chasm.

[wolfking]

Fuck Tim......You hit the nail on the head my friend.  The number was something I have never cared about.  Even 35 I was like 'meh.'  This is different, and a very weird feeling.

That was actually scary to read mate.  Good to feel I'm not alone.

[TAC]

You're never alone, brother.


Yeah, it was weird. 36 seems so arbitrary, but I literally woke up that day and immediately felt deflated a bit.

[wolfking]

 

I just look now that I can give myself 4 years to step out and do something new and different.  If I'm posting this shit when I'm 40, then God help me.    scary thing is, I can totally see myself at this same point at that age.

[Podaar]

Yeah, 36 was a weird number for me too.

I woke up that day, spent the morning mussing about my life. Where I was. Where I'd been. Where I was going. I went in to work, sat in my bosses office, and proceeded to tell him that I'd wasted the best years of my life to make him rich and it was high time I went out to find my own fortune. I gave him one month to find a replacement for me.

I scared the hell out of my second wife. 

[jingle.boy]

hhmmm... I honestly don't remember my 36th being terribly impactful - trying to remember what was going on in my life in 2007, and nothing is really jumping out at me (personally or professionally).  I'm actually trying to think if any birthday has been any kind of epiphany for me.  I mean, at 48 right now, I'm well aware there are fewer days ahead than there are behind.  But I can't recall every having a specific moment like you guys are referring to.

[wolfking]

Yeah, 36 was a weird number for me too.

I woke up that day, spent the morning mussing about my life. Where I was. Where I'd been. Where I was going. I went in to work, sat in my bosses office, and proceeded to tell him that I'd wasted the best years of my life to make him rich and it was high time I went out to find my own fortune. I gave him one month to find a replacement for me.

I scared the hell out of my second wife. 

Wow Gregg, that's an amazing story.  Wish I had the nuts.  Was that the right decision in the end?

Amazing as that's what I feel.  Wasted so much time for nothing and helping people and a company that doesn't give a fucking shit.

[Podaar]

I guess I shouldn't leave my story hanging there. Ten days later, my boss took me to dinner and laid out a five year plan for me to buy him out and become the sole owner of our business. The plan included an immediate, generous, commission on sales and expanded quarterly profit percentage to go into my retirement account.

It never quite worked out that way, but it did pave the way for a much more comfortable income/retirement plan. Twenty-two years later I'm still in the same industry. 

edit:

Wow Gregg, that's an amazing story.  Wish I had the nuts.  Was that the right decision in the end?

Hard to tell if it was the right decision. I've made the best of it, but so many factors outside of my control have buffeted my career path around. What was probably a good thing about it is that I began taking responsibility for my prosperity. I'd grown up thinking that if you work hard, are loyal and conscientious, good things will come to you. It was proper that I learned that isn't necessarily true.

[wolfking]

I guess I shouldn't leave my story hanging there. Ten days later, my boss took me to dinner and laid out a five year plan for me to buy him out and become the sole owner of our business. The plan included an immediate, generous, commission on sales and expanded quarterly profit percentage to go into my retirement account.

It never quite worked out that way, but it did pave the way for a much more comfortable income/retirement plan. Twenty-two years later I'm still in the same industry. 

edit:

Wow Gregg, that's an amazing story.  Wish I had the nuts.  Was that the right decision in the end?

Hard to tell if it was the right decision. I've made the best of it, but so many factors outside of my control have buffeted my career path around. What was probably a good thing about it is that I began taking responsibility for my prosperity. I'd grown up thinking that if you work hard, are loyal and conscientious, good things will come to you. It was proper that I learned that isn't necessarily true.

In a way that backs up my feelings on staying in the same place for so long.  Glad it worked out.  I need to ask for a pay rise I think.  But how the organisation works it isn't that simple.

[Podaar]

Yeah, my path isn't yours, for sure, Kade. It was the attitude adjustment that my 36 crisis gave me that was the only real benefit.

Now, let's talk again when you turn 55 and wonder where all years have gone. 

[TAC]

This month is my 30th anniversary at my work.

At 36, I had a good job, and as I've mentioned before, when my family needed some flexibility, they allowed me to step down. Funny thing is, I may make more this year than any previous year.

[King Postwhore]

I go through stretches of late where I wish I could just shut down.  Not being able to forget about work for a few days wears you down.

[lordxizor]

I'll be 39 in a few weeks, so I figure I'm old enough to post in here. I agree that 36, going from low-30s to upper-30s was kind of a big mental hurdle. There's no pretending that you're still a young adult at that point. You are a full on adult with no more excuses for not being responsible and having at least some success in life.

I'll admit I've been going through a bit of a mid-life crisis of sorts lately. It's like I suddenly realized how empty and boring my life was (pretty typical American suburban lifestyle). I was in a really rough place from December to February, feeling more and more that this wasn't a life worth living. In an effort to spice things up with my wife, we ended up going through this bizarre hot and cold stretch where there was tons of sex and fun date nights, but also tons of conflict and by far the worst fighting we've ever had. I still loved her, but was really resentful over some ways I felt she let me down over the years. A growing part of me just wanted to walk away from everything. But I knew I never would, which was almost worse, like I didn't even have the courage to take the easy way out and bail.

My wife knew something was going on with me, and I told her a bit, but I haven't told her the extent of how distressed I was. I certainly haven't mentioned that I was ready to leave once, but simply had nowhere obvious to go (I didn't want to admit to family or friends that I was struggling), so I just went home. I started working with a life coach kind of guy in January which helped a little bit at first. At least it was nice to have someone to be vulnerable with. I was seeing slow improvement until my wife ended up pregnant. That was sort of the kick in the face that I needed to snap out of my self pity. That was in February and it was almost an instant 50% improvement.

My coach plugged me into a book called Positive Intelligence a couple months ago, which basically is about the neuroscience of how to rewire your brain to be more empathetic and curious about life instead of being hijacked by some negative internal brain influences that we all have. I'm now in the middle of an intense 6 week training on this program and it's made a radical difference in just two weeks. I'm not out of the woods yet. It takes concerted effort to not fall back into pits where my internal thoughts took me a few months ago, but it's becoming easier and easier. I'm feeling more optimistic and hopeful about life than I have in a long time.

That got longer than I thought it would. Curious is any of you guys have had any similar mid-life issues and what you've done to overcome them... or maybe you're still in them.

[Indiscipline]

Shit got definitely real for me between 32 and 36: discovered I can't have children (good news for the world though), first marriage failed (totally my fault), spent a couple of years living dangerously pretending I was a teenager once again, a pretty rushed second marriage (still going strong, despite me being an ass), my father going drumming with Bonzo just a couple of hours after phoning me best wishes for my 35th birthday, finding myself in the difficult position of keeping a rather bizarre family together after the shock. I felt deeply inadequate every step of the way.

What really helped me to regroup (and daresay mature - if such a term could ever apply to me) was stopping considering jobs and relationships as stepping stones on the way to what I figured I would become. I suddenly opened my eyes and acknowledged I was what I was; there wasn't a goal line in the future, and could very well not be a future at all if I didn't start to appreciate the present and my present self. Perspective shifted cosequentially, and I (almost unwillingly) started to change the culture to my liking on the workplace instead of worrying about what did I get, and to treasure whomever was around me instead of looking out for someone "better".



 

[TAC]

What really helped me to regroup (and daresay mature - if such a term could ever apply to me) was stopping considering jobs and relationships as stepping stones on the way to what I figured I would become. I suddenly opened my eyes and acknowledged I was what I was; there wasn't a goal line in the future, and could very well not be a future at all if I didn't start to appreciate the present and my present self. Perspective shifted cosequentially, and I (almost unwillingly) started to change the culture to my liking on the workplace instead of worrying about what did I get, and to treasure whomever was around me instead of looking out for someone "better".

Yeah, those are words to live by for sure.

[lordxizor]

Perspective is huge, yeah. One of the core things about this Positive Intelligence thing I'm doing is that there are negative parts of your mind that are trying to tell you that you can't be happy given your current circumstances and that you'll only be happy when <fill in the blank> happens or changes. Trying to ignore those voices and allowing yourself to be happy in your current circumstances can be very difficult.

[Orbert]

A friend of mine from high school sent me something in an email that finally provided clarity.  I remember reading it at work, and where I was working at the time, so this would have been the late 90's or early 00's.

It basically said that when you're young, you think that "all you have to do" is get a good job, find your wife/husband/soulmate/whatever, find a nice place to live, and you can live happily ever after.

So you work to get through college, or maybe head into the workforce right away.  You work, you keep thinking "right now I'm only <something> but once I get to <manager/director/VP> things will really be good."

Your first car may not be great, but it's fine, and someday you'll have a <nicer car> and things will really be good.

You start a family, and yeah having kids is rough, but you think once they're older, things will be easier, things will be good.

It was all stuff like that.  If you just keep at it, you'll get to the next plateau, and things will be good.  Then at some point you look around and realize you've been working your ass off your entire life so far, and things may not be perfect right now, but half your life is now behind you and you're still waiting for things to be "good".  You're still trying to get to the next level, because then things will be good.

Look at what you have now.  Look at who you have around you right now.  Look at the life you're living right now.  Look at the car you drive, the house you live in.  You're here!  You've arrived.  This is your life.  Stop waiting for things to be "better" and enjoy what you have right now, because right now will only be here once.  Say those things to your kids that you've always meant to tell them.  Say those things to your wife/husband/soulmate/whatever that you've always meant to tell them.  Do that thing you always wanted to do.  This is your chance.  This is the life you've built, the life you've earned, and you don't get another shot at it.

Basically "stop and smell the roses".  I never really understood that expression until that moment.  It really just means to take a second to enjoy what you have now, instead of constantly looking towards the next thing and thinking it will be better.  Don't stop trying to improve things, but take the time to enjoy things now.

[cramx3]

Damn I turn 36 in a few months.... not looking forward to it. 

But some nice perspectives here

[Podaar]

Words to live by, Orbert! Thank you.

[gmillerdrake]

I'll be 39 in a few weeks, so I figure I'm old enough to post in here. I agree that 36, going from low-30s to upper-30s was kind of a big mental hurdle. There's no pretending that you're still a young adult at that point. You are a full on adult with no more excuses for not being responsible and having at least some success in life.

I'll admit I've been going through a bit of a mid-life crisis of sorts lately. It's like I suddenly realized how empty and boring my life was (pretty typical American suburban lifestyle). I was in a really rough place from December to February, feeling more and more that this wasn't a life worth living. In an effort to spice things up with my wife, we ended up going through this bizarre hot and cold stretch where there was tons of sex and fun date nights, but also tons of conflict and by far the worst fighting we've ever had. I still loved her, but was really resentful over some ways I felt she let me down over the years. A growing part of me just wanted to walk away from everything. But I knew I never would, which was almost worse, like I didn't even have the courage to take the easy way out and bail.

My wife knew something was going on with me, and I told her a bit, but I haven't told her the extent of how distressed I was. I certainly haven't mentioned that I was ready to leave once, but simply had nowhere obvious to go (I didn't want to admit to family or friends that I was struggling), so I just went home. I started working with a life coach kind of guy in January which helped a little bit at first. At least it was nice to have someone to be vulnerable with. I was seeing slow improvement until my wife ended up pregnant. That was sort of the kick in the face that I needed to snap out of my self pity. That was in February and it was almost an instant 50% improvement.

My coach plugged me into a book called Positive Intelligence a couple months ago, which basically is about the neuroscience of how to rewire your brain to be more empathetic and curious about life instead of being hijacked by some negative internal brain influences that we all have. I'm now in the middle of an intense 6 week training on this program and it's made a radical difference in just two weeks. I'm not out of the woods yet. It takes concerted effort to not fall back into pits where my internal thoughts took me a few months ago, but it's becoming easier and easier. I'm feeling more optimistic and hopeful about life than I have in a long time.

That got longer than I thought it would. Curious is any of you guys have had any similar mid-life issues and what you've done to overcome them... or maybe you're still in them.

I'll say 'nice post' meaning I love the honesty. It's tough to admit when your going through stuff because for whatever reason the world kind of looks down on it.....judging you like 'cmon, you don't have this figured out yet?' I've been through a few stages where I'll start focusing on something negative and just let it eat me up. I'll get real selfish and just start thinking to myself how vibrant green the other grass looks. The life my wife an I are living (pre covid) is pretty busy. Our kiddos are right in the wheelhouse of being busy with sports and activities so they take up a ton of our time. I'm the type of parent who will involve myself to the max in their lives to help guide and teach so there never really seems like there's a break. I'm not a helicopter parent by any means but I volunteer to be the coach of the team(s), run the youth camps, host the camp outs....etc etc because yes I enjoy it....but also, I just want it to be available.

  You throw in work on top of the personal life things and yeah....it can get to be a lot for anyone/everyone. There are periods of my marriage where my wife and I have just been roommates with how much running around we do. When communication breaks down it's easy to start resenting or getting angry with her....but, it's usually over something that is easily overcome once we talk about it. 99% of our conflicts in our 15 year marriage has been because we just stopped talking for a few days....usually because we were busy with 'life'. I can honestly say that I lucked out with my wife because compared to the wives of friends and family members I know....she is very easy to live and do life with.

  I found to 'snap' out of any little selfish patched I get in is to really sit back and do what Orbert just posted about.....take inventory of what 'I' have in my life. I have a loving, wonderful wife who's an amazing mother.....three boys who have turned out to be (thanks to their mother) really fun, intelligent....awesome individuals.....I'm not rich by any means but we've been able to enjoy some luxuries in our life thus far that maybe some haven't yet....we've created a beautiful home and for the most part all of us are in good health. When I was single, living alone what I 'have' right now is everything I would cry out to God for to 'give' me. So, when I find myself mumbling under my breath that I'd rather be alone in an apartment somewhere smoking glow in the dark weed all day......I have to remind myself that I had that life once.....and longed for the days I'd have what I have now.

[lordxizor]

I was definitely falling into the trap that Orbert describes without really realizing it. It was like I suddenly noticed 10 years worth of that mindset all at once back in December and fell into this pit of despair that I let so long go by without really trying to enjoy the moment. Which isn't entirely true... I enjoyed plenty of it, but I was always looking forward to this mythical future when the kids would be better behaved and need less supervision, and my wife would want me sexually again like she did when we were 25, and I would reach financial independence so I could work because I want to not because I have to, and we'd be able to travel more, etc. Part of what I've learned is that I'm far too passive about life. I need to try to take charge of life a little more, which is what I was trying to do with my wife which lead to so much conflict and fighting, so I guess I'll focus more on taking control of my career and my time rather than my relationship as much.

[lordxizor]

I'll be 39 in a few weeks, so I figure I'm old enough to post in here. I agree that 36, going from low-30s to upper-30s was kind of a big mental hurdle. There's no pretending that you're still a young adult at that point. You are a full on adult with no more excuses for not being responsible and having at least some success in life.

I'll admit I've been going through a bit of a mid-life crisis of sorts lately. It's like I suddenly realized how empty and boring my life was (pretty typical American suburban lifestyle). I was in a really rough place from December to February, feeling more and more that this wasn't a life worth living. In an effort to spice things up with my wife, we ended up going through this bizarre hot and cold stretch where there was tons of sex and fun date nights, but also tons of conflict and by far the worst fighting we've ever had. I still loved her, but was really resentful over some ways I felt she let me down over the years. A growing part of me just wanted to walk away from everything. But I knew I never would, which was almost worse, like I didn't even have the courage to take the easy way out and bail.

My wife knew something was going on with me, and I told her a bit, but I haven't told her the extent of how distressed I was. I certainly haven't mentioned that I was ready to leave once, but simply had nowhere obvious to go (I didn't want to admit to family or friends that I was struggling), so I just went home. I started working with a life coach kind of guy in January which helped a little bit at first. At least it was nice to have someone to be vulnerable with. I was seeing slow improvement until my wife ended up pregnant. That was sort of the kick in the face that I needed to snap out of my self pity. That was in February and it was almost an instant 50% improvement.

My coach plugged me into a book called Positive Intelligence a couple months ago, which basically is about the neuroscience of how to rewire your brain to be more empathetic and curious about life instead of being hijacked by some negative internal brain influences that we all have. I'm now in the middle of an intense 6 week training on this program and it's made a radical difference in just two weeks. I'm not out of the woods yet. It takes concerted effort to not fall back into pits where my internal thoughts took me a few months ago, but it's becoming easier and easier. I'm feeling more optimistic and hopeful about life than I have in a long time.

That got longer than I thought it would. Curious is any of you guys have had any similar mid-life issues and what you've done to overcome them... or maybe you're still in them.

I'll say 'nice post' meaning I love the honesty. It's tough to admit when your going through stuff because for whatever reason the world kind of looks down on it.....judging you like 'cmon, you don't have this figured out yet?' I've been through a few stages where I'll start focusing on something negative and just let it eat me up. I'll get real selfish and just start thinking to myself how vibrant green the other grass looks. The life my wife an I are living (pre covid) is pretty busy. Our kiddos are right in the wheelhouse of being busy with sports and activities so they take up a ton of our time. I'm the type of parent who will involve myself to the max in their lives to help guide and teach so there never really seems like there's a break. I'm not a helicopter parent by any means but I volunteer to be the coach of the team(s), run the youth camps, host the camp outs....etc etc because yes I enjoy it....but also, I just want it to be available.

  You throw in work on top of the personal life things and yeah....it can get to be a lot for anyone/everyone. There are periods of my marriage where my wife and I have just been roommates with how much running around we do. When communication breaks down it's easy to start resenting or getting angry with her....but, it's usually over something that is easily overcome once we talk about it. 99% of our conflicts in our 15 year marriage has been because we just stopped talking for a few days....usually because we were busy with 'life'. I can honestly say that I lucked out with my wife because compared to the wives of friends and family members I know....she is very easy to live and do life with.

  I found to 'snap' out of any little selfish patched I get in is to really sit back and do what Orbert just posted about.....take inventory of what 'I' have in my life. I have a loving, wonderful wife who's an amazing mother.....three boys who have turned out to be (thanks to their mother) really fun, intelligent....awesome individuals.....I'm not rich by any means but we've been able to enjoy some luxuries in our life thus far that maybe some haven't yet....we've created a beautiful home and for the most part all of us are in good health. When I was single, living alone what I 'have' right now is everything I would cry out to God for to 'give' me. So, when I find myself mumbling under my breath that I'd rather be alone in an apartment somewhere smoking glow in the dark weed all day......I have to remind myself that I had that life once.....and longed for the days I'd have what I have now.

Thanks for sharing. I completely agree with you that I have exactly the life I longed for when I was single, or even when my wife and I were first together. Wife, kids, good job, house in the suburbs... what more could you want?

There's nothing particularly wrong about any of those things. I think for me it ultimately boils down to wanting to feel more in control of my life and less that I'm just along for the ride. I want to feel the desire and passion in my marriage that we felt before kids came along (this one is going to be trickier since I can't make my wife feel a certain way or want to do certain things, but I do know I need to appreciate her more for who she is now instead of comparing her with the 25 year old version of herself, which is hard because she was fucking amazing when we first got together). I don't want to live a conventional life anymore. That doesn't necessarily have to mean radical outward change, mostly just changing my mindset, but there are some outward things I want to do and have been doing more for the last couple years.

[gmillerdrake]

I want to feel the desire and passion in my marriage that we felt before kids came along

Well....this will be a blanket statement.....certainly each marriage and situation is different......but as you know, everything changes when you add kids into the picture. I would say especially for women. I'm sure that growing a human in your body changes every little nuance and then once those little people pop out....(most) women undertake this maternal instinct and those little people are simply top priority for them. Husbands (in general) take a back seat so to speak.

That's not to say you can't still cultivate the marriage or relationship to have the same passion and what not that was there prior to kids......it's only to say that there is much more effort that has to go in to it due to having kids. It's very easy for a relationship to grow stale when the kid variable gets thrown in there.

[King Postwhore]

And energy honestly.   You get tired faster with age and the kids have batteries that never run out.

[lordxizor]

Oh sure. I get why things have slowed down for her. I just don't like it! We had things going pretty hot there for a while before she accidentally ended up getting pregnant. But I know she always viewed that as being a temporary "let's spice things up for a few months" kind of thing as opposed to me, who was only getting started in pushing for what I want, which was part of the conflict that came on during the same time.

I'd settle for feeling like she put in a little bit of effort into it every now and then just to please me. God knows I do tons of things just to please her in non-sexual ways (I've practically begged her to tell me what would please her sexually, but she either won't say or legitimately doesn't have anything, and this lead to another series of fights). I honestly think she thinks that every time she's willing to have sex at all she's doing it just to please me since her interest is pretty low these days. Which is sort of fair I guess, but she always enjoys it as much as I do in the end, even if it takes her a couple more minutes to get into it in the beginning.

[wolfking]

Wow, I didn't expect my post to open up such an honest discussion with so many valid points.  If I have time I'll address every post one by one but thanks to everyone and their thoughts and discussions.  A lot of the words did help.  The whole perspective thing I've embraced at times in the past, but it's so easy to get into that rut again just thinking what could have been or the whole 'where am I going,' mentality.  It's so refreshing to get other viewpoints and that's why I love this place so much and all of you!

[TAC]

They say music is timeless, but there is some music that truly timestamps periods of my life even though I've continued to listen to it throughout.

One of those bands for me is Accept, as I've listened to 80's Accept all day. And the overriding thought I've had directed me to this thread only to say that....


...I wish I was a fucking kid again. I really do.

[King Postwhore]

There are certain songs that trigger a specific moment in my life. This is throughout my life. Some give me joy, some bring me to tears.

Music has always been,  and will always be a calendar of my life.

[TAC]

Amen, brother.

It's funny the stuff that I've forgotten in my life, but I could tell you off the top of my head that I saw Van Halen on 3/18/84, or Iron Maiden on 6/2/85, UFO on 6/14/86, or Iron Maiden/Dream Theater on 6/8/92.

[King Postwhore]

But I can't remember when my wife asks me to take out the garbage.   Lol

[mike099]

Kind of a joke between the wife and I about ‘some timers’.  My short term memory is getting worse each year and I make mistakes at work that I normally do not make.  Not so much a joke anymore.

I do remember to take out the garbage.