Author Topic: The DTF Old As Mold Club v. 40 IS The New 30! Kids Stay Out! (Read 335255 times)

EPICVIEW · « **Reply #1330 on:** July 02, 2012, 12:53:37 PM »

I turned 48! as I always say " it beat the alternative"...LOL...

Oh cr*p I have no modify button... so I will stop typing and making typos....

to all the nice people have a great day

Orbert · « **Reply #1331 on:** July 02, 2012, 01:03:16 PM »

Ask him why he thinks it's okay for him to beat on his younger, smaller brother, but when you use necessary force to get him off of his brother, it's "abuse".

Also, point out to him that it's not abuse. Abuse is when you take it too far. You protected one of your kids; the fact that you had to act against another one of your kids doesn't really matter. So he bumped his head. Big fucking deal. Tell him to man up. If he's gonna beat on someone younger and smaller than him, maybe he ought to know what it feels like.

Note: You didn't beat on him; you didn't even overreact, as far as I'm concerned. If he wasn't beating on his brother in the first place, no one would've gotten hurt.

TAC · « **Reply #1332 on:** July 02, 2012, 01:05:37 PM »

wki, that's a tough spot. I'm sorry to hear that the boys lost their mother.

As King said, your 16 year old needs to understand the ramifications of using the term "abuse". He's free to move out anytime, but he may end up putting his brothers in foster care at the same time.
I would remind him that you have a responsibility to protect all of your children, especially one that is being outweighed by 70 pounds.

Remind them that all they have is each other.

I only wish you the best of luck.

jingle.boy · « **Reply #1333 on:** July 02, 2012, 07:25:37 PM »

Or tell him the police could just as easily charge him with assault. Kings advice is probably the better approach.

Feel for you dude. Can't begin to imagine how difficult a situation this must be.

DebraKadabra · « **Reply #1334 on:** July 02, 2012, 07:26:24 PM »

Were they fighting like that before your ex passed?

wkiml · « **Reply #1335 on:** July 03, 2012, 05:09:19 AM »

Quote from: DebraKadabra on July 02, 2012, 07:26:24 PM

Were they fighting like that before your ex passed?

No...occasionally all brothers will argue and fight but this seems to becoming a more common response

I may be wrong as my ex had custody mon to fri (I had them on the weekends) I moved back in with her during the last year to help take care of her and the kids , even during that time I think it was physical once during that span

I know they have issues with her passing, my oldest has pretty much closed himself down emotionally around the house and is spending more and more time away from the hosue with his friends. I have offered to take them to grievance (sp) counseling but they have refused saying they want to deal with it on their own

DebraKadabra · « **Reply #1336 on:** July 03, 2012, 11:30:14 AM »

I think you need to force them to go - I'm sure I don't have to tell you that they're all having their own issues with her passing and the easiest way that they see to deal with it is beating each other up.

I really don't envy you that situation, but as the sole surviving parent you need to restore the peace in your house. Good luck to you, man.

wkiml · « **Reply #1337 on:** July 03, 2012, 11:45:50 AM »

Debra as an alcoholic I am all to familiar with therapy seesions and such. The first go around I was forced to attend therapy and I quit because I had the attitude that I didnt need it and good it was awful being forced to attend lo and behold I relapsed

Second go around I followed the program not because I was being forced but because I realized that it was there to help me not to embarrass or shame me

you have to be willing to go to therapy otherwise IMHO you don't get anything out of it

DebraKadabra · « **Reply #1338 on:** July 03, 2012, 11:50:36 AM »

Yeah, I know. That actually may not have been the best answer to your problem, sorry. Just thinking out loud.

I'd say, then, to have as calm/rational a sit-down talk with them as possible - if they're all willing to talk, that is. Trust me, I know how 16 year olds can shut down. I did it myself.

I just really sympathize with your sitch.

wkiml · « **Reply #1339 on:** July 03, 2012, 12:00:35 PM »

did the sit down with all of them last night

My 18 yr old and 13 yr old were receptive and actually seem to get it, especially when I told them how much I missed her as well

The 16 yr old just nodded and I could tell he was zoning me out. Afterwards I slipped into his room for a one on one and just tried to get him to talk which again only led him to nodding and one word replies

I even asked him if he saw someone else beating on his younger brother , would he go to his brothers aid? His reply was a cold no (wasnt snide or sarcastic just a plan and simple NO)

DebraKadabra · « **Reply #1340 on:** July 03, 2012, 12:04:28 PM »

That's a crying shame - my SO's 16 year old reacts the same way when she gets in trouble for anything. Just completely shuts down, head down, one word answers (if that)... which provokes the WRONG reaction in me, as it pisses me off even more because I remember doing that same crap at her/your son's age.

That IS good that the other two were receptive to what you were trying to accomplish though.

lonestar · « **Reply #1341 on:** July 03, 2012, 12:04:48 PM »

He is probably still pissed at you, and is rebelling in his own way, give him some time to process. I'm sure if his brother was getting jumped IRL, he would be the first there to defend him.

DebraKadabra · « **Reply #1342 on:** July 03, 2012, 12:12:07 PM »

That makes sense, even though Bill had NOTHING to do with his ex's illness and demise.

wkiml · « **Reply #1343 on:** July 03, 2012, 12:17:42 PM »

Quote from: DebraKadabra on July 03, 2012, 12:12:07 PM

That makes sense, even though Bill had NOTHING to do with his ex's illness and demise.

He's pissed at me because I got physical in breaking up him beating on his younger brother

thats what Lonestar was referring too

DebraKadabra · « **Reply #1344 on:** July 03, 2012, 12:18:56 PM »

Oh, shit... my bad.

lonestar · « **Reply #1345 on:** July 03, 2012, 12:23:18 PM »

Quote from: wkiml on July 03, 2012, 12:17:42 PM

Quote from: DebraKadabra on July 03, 2012, 12:12:07 PM
That makes sense, even though Bill had NOTHING to do with his ex's illness and demise.

He's pissed at me because I got physical in breaking up him beating on his younger brother

thats what Lonestar was referring too

Yes I was, but in a way Debra is touching on something too, in a blameless situation such as this, he still feels the need to blame someone, and it is very common for that blame to be misdirected on to the surviving parent, even if he is repressing it and not speaking it out loud, he still feels it and it affects his actions and behavior. Have you talked to anyone in the program about this whole situation, they have been invaluable in me reconnecting with my daughter.

jingle.boy · « **Reply #1346 on:** July 03, 2012, 12:24:12 PM »

Regarding therapy, you're bang on Bill. If they don't want to go, it's not going to work anyway. It's a very tricky thing to get someone to WANT to do what you NEED them to do. Do they recognize the benefit it's given you as a recovering alcoholic? Maybe that's the angle? Doubt it, but anything is worth a shot.

Agree with RJ... he'd probably defend his little brother if he was getting the snot kicked out of him.

I hate to jump here, but is tough love an option? If he doesn't respond positively, is he "welcome" to "venture" out on his own?

wkiml · « **Reply #1347 on:** July 03, 2012, 12:37:46 PM »

@ Lonestar I've talked to my sponsor as far as the rest of the group that will occur tonight (Tuesday night meeting) and again tomorrow with my home group

@Jingle on his own at 16 really isn't an option at this point my family lives in other states and I believe he would only resent me more if I played that card

They (all 3) are fully aware of how important the therapy was and the Bi-weekly meetings are a part of my continued sobriety.

I'll give it a few days to let him dwell on the events that went down. I made my apologies too him if he chooses to accept them that's his decision , if not I cannot concern myself with how he sees me I need to keep moving forward

lonestar · « **Reply #1348 on:** July 03, 2012, 12:50:15 PM »

Cool. A lot of this is a matter of time as you well know, draw the boundaries with them on what is and isn't acceptable, ie, kicking the crap out of your little brother is NOT acceptable, and let them heal in their way. I will be praying for you.

DebraKadabra · « **Reply #1349 on:** July 03, 2012, 01:27:03 PM »

Same here - again, best of luck to you on a very hard situation.

TAC · « **Reply #1350 on:** July 03, 2012, 02:13:51 PM »

Quote from: wkiml on July 03, 2012, 12:00:35 PM

The 16 yr old just nodded and I could tell he was zoning me out. Afterwards I slipped into his room for a one on one and just tried to get him to talk which again only led him to nodding and one word replies

I even asked him if he saw someone else beating on his younger brother , would he go to his brothers aid? His reply was a cold no (wasnt snide or sarcastic just a plan and simple NO)

Bill, great move on your part giving him the one on one. Even though he was "zoning out" your visit with him matters greatly. Don't let up. Kill him with attention and kindness.
I'm sure deep down it was important for him. He may not open his mouth, but he can't shut his ears.

CrimsonSunrise · « **Reply #1351 on:** July 03, 2012, 03:43:01 PM »

I agree with TAC on this one. Lot's of other great advice. I think consistancy and persistence in a loving, supportive way can help. I know I was a bastard of a 16 yr. old to my folks, and I had nothing in the way of trauma like your kids have had Bill. I hope things come around for your family.

CrimsonSunrise · « **Reply #1352 on:** July 23, 2012, 10:19:07 AM »

I found this dying on page 4. WTF??? Cmon ya old fucks! Put down the jello pudding cups already! SHEESH!!!

DarkLord_Lalinc · « **Reply #1353 on:** July 23, 2012, 10:21:34 AM »

hai oldies kekekeke

CrimsonSunrise · « **Reply #1354 on:** July 23, 2012, 10:23:46 AM »

Wassup ya young Casanova!

Progmetty · « **Reply #1355 on:** July 23, 2012, 10:24:58 AM »

I've been eligible for this thread for a month and half now

CrimsonSunrise · « **Reply #1356 on:** July 23, 2012, 10:29:38 AM »

Well welcome to the Club Oldtimer! Grab a pudding cup and some metamucil!

Progmetty · « **Reply #1357 on:** July 23, 2012, 10:41:40 AM »

Thank you CrimsonSunrise!
So.. does anybody else find it really weird that people who were born after 1995 can already speak and change their own clothes? Cause I find it unbefuckinbelievable, one reason being that I actually remember 1995. For some reason it's hard for me to grasp the fact that people kept getting made after I was made and that they are growing too hehe

CrimsonSunrise · « **Reply #1358 on:** July 23, 2012, 11:39:43 AM »

Quote from: Progmetty on July 23, 2012, 10:41:40 AM

Thank you CrimsonSunrise!
So.. does anybody else find it really weird that people who were born after 1995 can already speak and change their own clothes? Cause I find it unbefuckinbelievable, one reason being that I actually remember 1995. For some reason it's hard for me to grasp the fact that people kept getting made after I was made and that they are growing too hehe

Just wait...it get's worse. Next Spring when I get married I'll have step grandkids. I mean for fucks sake, I don't have kids!! How the hell does that work??

El Barto · « **Reply #1359 on:** July 23, 2012, 11:46:46 AM »

Quote from: Progmetty on July 23, 2012, 10:41:40 AM

Thank you CrimsonSunrise!
So.. does anybody else find it really weird that people who were born after 1995 can already speak and change their own clothes? Cause I find it unbefuckinbelievable, one reason being that I actually remember 1995. For some reason it's hard for me to grasp the fact that people kept getting made after I was made and that they are growing too hehe

Hell, those kids will be next year's Playboy models.

What gets me is that kids born in 2000 are already my age when I started smoking grass, and I'd been a social drinker for a couple of years.

carl320 · « **Reply #1360 on:** July 23, 2012, 12:02:35 PM »

My nephew just turned 13. So now I have a niece and a nephew who are both teenagers. And then kids born in 1991 are old enough to buy beer (in the US).

I never thought I'd feel this old being 31

CrimsonSunrise · « **Reply #1361 on:** July 23, 2012, 12:04:06 PM »

Quote from: El Barto on July 23, 2012, 11:46:46 AM

Quote from: Progmetty on July 23, 2012, 10:41:40 AM
Thank you CrimsonSunrise!
So.. does anybody else find it really weird that people who were born after 1995 can already speak and change their own clothes? Cause I find it unbefuckinbelievable, one reason being that I actually remember 1995. For some reason it's hard for me to grasp the fact that people kept getting made after I was made and that they are growing too hehe
Hell, those kids will be next year's Playboy models.

What gets me is that kids born in 2000 are already my age when I started smoking grass, and I'd been a social drinker for a couple of years.

I look at my Niece who's 28 now, and I remember changing her diapers when I was an adult.... $:-\$

CrimsonSunrise · « **Reply #1362 on:** July 23, 2012, 12:05:36 PM »

Quote from: carl320 on July 23, 2012, 12:02:35 PM

My nephew just turned 13. So now I have a niece and a nephew who are both teenagers. And then kids born in 1991 are old enough to buy beer (in the US).

I never thought I'd feel this old being 31

Hate to say it again.... but might as well settle in, it gets worse...

DebraKadabra · « **Reply #1363 on:** July 23, 2012, 12:18:09 PM »

Quote from: Progmetty on July 23, 2012, 10:24:58 AM

I've been eligible for this thread for a month and half now

Ok, so what's the nagging pain you always feel?

I'm not doubting the validity of your fogeyness, it was a question that was asked of me before I was embraced in the smell of Ben Ga.... um, approved as a true bona fide fogey.

carl320 · « **Reply #1364 on:** July 23, 2012, 12:42:04 PM »

Quote from: CrimsonSunrise on July 23, 2012, 12:05:36 PM

Quote from: carl320 on July 23, 2012, 12:02:35 PM
My nephew just turned 13. So now I have a niece and a nephew who are both teenagers. And then kids born in 1991 are old enough to buy beer (in the US).

I never thought I'd feel this old being 31

Hate to say it again.... but might as well settle in, it gets worse...

*Settles into a comfortable rocking chair*

News: Track-by-track video for Untethered Angel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Co1_h0GtAw

Author Topic: The DTF Old As Mold Club v. 40 IS The New 30! Kids Stay Out! (Read 335255 times)