Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[bout to crash]

I would say that's inaccurate, actually. I'm a very social introvert, and he seems to be the same way. We both require a lot of alone time but do well with people. I wasn't trying to hang out all the time or demand much of him at all. *shrug*

In any event, he did reply. He said "It was super fun and you are too, but I feel like we don't have a lot in common outside of great sex. I've been spending my free time climbing and backpacking. I even turned down a blatant booty call to do it last weekend "

Meh. We actually had a bunch of stuff in common and considering he had practically no free time I dunno wtf he was looking for, so I kinda feel like he's bullshitting me a bit, but it's fine. I feel better after putting it out there. After that I basically just told him to take care and now I can was my hands of it. I feel a bit silly for being as concerned as I was about it, and shit like this makes me question my own gut, which I hate.

[King Postwhore]

Jackie, I think you are wrong about yourself. You tend to let it all hang out and you are honest about it. It's refreshing.

I assumed the sex was good since you were dealing with the lack of communication.


You are more open and honest than you give yourself credit.

[cramx3]

I think we saw that coming Jackie, sadly.  By him saying he was spending free time climbing and backpacking (and not responding to you) it seems pretty clear he was bullshitting the excuse a bit IMO.  He probably was honest though about just not being interested romantically, but I thought thats part polyamory?  I know I don't understand this lifestyle completely, but I feel like if he enjoyed sex and wasn't interested romantically, then that would be fine?  Also part of why I think he is bullshitting.  Also, I find the comment about turning down a booty call to be pretty dickish, especially given the context of the conversation (although maybe this is just how you two talk and its all good).  Time to move on, you got bigger and better things to worry about.

[Stadler]

I think we saw that coming Jackie, sadly.  By him saying he was spending free time climbing and backpacking (and not responding to you) it seems pretty clear he was bullshitting the excuse a bit IMO.  He probably was honest though about just not being interested romantically, but I thought thats part polyamory?  I know I don't understand this lifestyle completely, but I feel like if he enjoyed sex and wasn't interested romantically, then that would be fine?  Also part of why I think he is bullshitting.  Also, I find the comment about turning down a booty call to be pretty dickish, especially given the context of the conversation (although maybe this is just how you two talk and its all good).  Time to move on, you got bigger and better things to worry about.

I can almost unequivocally say that he was trying to walk the line of being truthful and being respectful.  We've (not Jackie and me, but the group here) have talked about this multiple times.  Some people are just not able or willing to deliver hard truths in a blunt way. I don't think that's a bad thing, but it does require some ability to accept ambiguity on our part.  I've talked about the woman who ghosted me a couple years ago, and I'm convinced it was as simple as "I found someone I more wanted to take a chance with, and didn't want to come off as a complete whore bitch".   

More of a question, though I think I know the answer, but isn't "introvert/extrovert" much more complicated than "shy/outgoing"?   I thought you could be a loudmouth introvert and a shy, reserved extrovert, as it's more about how you think about your relationships and communications?

[Lynxo]

More of a question, though I think I know the answer, but isn't "introvert/extrovert" much more complicated than "shy/outgoing"?   I thought you could be a loudmouth introvert and a shy, reserved extrovert, as it's more about how you think about your relationships and communications?

Oh yeah, absolutely. The introvert/extrovert thing just comes down to where you get most of your energy from - socializing with other people or being at yourself. In essence, where you reload your batteries. For example, I consider myself an introvert and one of the things I love the most is performing music live - but afterwards, I feel tired as all hell and kind of want everybody to leave me the hell alone.

[Stadler]

More of a question, though I think I know the answer, but isn't "introvert/extrovert" much more complicated than "shy/outgoing"?   I thought you could be a loudmouth introvert and a shy, reserved extrovert, as it's more about how you think about your relationships and communications?

Oh yeah, absolutely. The introvert/extrovert thing just comes down to where you get most of your energy from - socializing with other people or being at yourself. In essence, where you reload your batteries. For example, I consider myself an introvert and one of the things I love the most is performing music live - but afterwards, I feel tired as all hell and kind of want everybody to leave me the hell alone.

That's me too; I score as an "introvert" on almost every personality test I've taken (and I've taken a LOT between work and school), and yet I don't mind at all being the center of attention, and even like it in degrees.  As you said, though, it's exhausting and my energy usually comes from sitting quietly with my wife or by myself playing my guitar or reading. 

[bout to crash]

I think we saw that coming Jackie, sadly.  By him saying he was spending free time climbing and backpacking (and not responding to you) it seems pretty clear he was bullshitting the excuse a bit IMO.  He probably was honest though about just not being interested romantically, but I thought thats part polyamory?  I know I don't understand this lifestyle completely, but I feel like if he enjoyed sex and wasn't interested romantically, then that would be fine?  Also part of why I think he is bullshitting.  Also, I find the comment about turning down a booty call to be pretty dickish, especially given the context of the conversation (although maybe this is just how you two talk and its all good).  Time to move on, you got bigger and better things to worry about.

I can almost unequivocally say that he was trying to walk the line of being truthful and being respectful.  We've (not Jackie and me, but the group here) have talked about this multiple times.  Some people are just not able or willing to deliver hard truths in a blunt way. I don't think that's a bad thing, but it does require some ability to accept ambiguity on our part.  I've talked about the woman who ghosted me a couple years ago, and I'm convinced it was as simple as "I found someone I more wanted to take a chance with, and didn't want to come off as a complete whore bitch".   

Yeah, you're probably right... but the more I think about that the more it annoys me that he left me hanging for so long. I was trying to make plans with him for two weeks before the communication stopped, and he kept sort of saying he wanted to but was busy. I'm annoyed that I wasted time and energy that could have gone elsewhere.

But, yknow, it also makes me think about my own actions in similar situations and wanting to be more up front with people so as not to be a dick like that.

Cram, I think the booty call part of the message was kind of dick, too. And yeah, I don't see why having fun and good sex is a problem, either. I'm wondering if he started seeing somebody else and isn't as poly as he thought.

[cramx3]

But, yknow, it also makes me think about my own actions in similar situations and wanting to be more up front with people so as not to be a dick like that.

I think about this all of the time.  Essentially do unto others as you would want done to you.  I really just wanted to take the easy route and say to Tennesse last week, "Not interested, goodbye" but she actually asked why and was always so genuine to me, so I was genuine back.  She was sooooo nice about it.  I think the last few girls I ended things with all had very similar reactions, "it's so refreshing for someone to actually be upfront about ending things"

Anyway, hanging out with 23yo tonight 

[JayOctavarium]

Going to go hang out with that chick from work tomorrow. It's not a date or anything. She kinda knows my situation. But the fact that she wants to hang makes me feel good. 

Sadly she told me that she accepted a job at another office and will be leaving soon.

Just my luck... I make a friend and they leave.

[Chino]

Going to go hang out with that chick from work tomorrow. It's not a date or anything. She kinda knows my situation. But the fact that she wants to hang makes me feel good. 

Sadly she told me that she accepted a job at another office and will be leaving soon.

Just my luck... I make a friend and they leave.

Is she moving because of this job? Her switching to another place wouldn't be the worst thing. Dating someone you work with sucks the majority of the time.

[cramx3]

Going to go hang out with that chick from work tomorrow. It's not a date or anything. She kinda knows my situation. But the fact that she wants to hang makes me feel good. 

Sadly she told me that she accepted a job at another office and will be leaving soon.

Just my luck... I make a friend and they leave.

Is she moving because of this job? Her switching to another place wouldn't be the worst thing. Dating someone you work with sucks the majority of the time.

True, even though this may not be a date, her leaving actually opens things up for you two to date because dating in the same office is not typically a good thing.  Hey, maybe thats even why she took the other job 

[Prog Snob]

Intraoffice romances very rarely work.

[sylvan]

But, yknow, it also makes me think about my own actions in similar situations and wanting to be more up front with people so as not to be a dick like that.

I think about this all of the time.  Essentially do unto others as you would want done to you.

I made plans tonight with Crazy Chick. Now I'm not sure, but I THINK I regret it. It all has to do with this idea of treating someone with mutual respect. It's a 1.5 hour round trip to hangout with someone I don't really see myself enjoying spending time with. Sure, there's a sexual attraction. But if I say that's enough here, it makes me feel like I'm deceiving her or being selfish.

Edit: Just walked my dog and thought about it. Yeah... definitely don't wanna go. Time to man up and be honest. Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit, but I'm a little apprehensive cuz she hasn't struck me as the most emotionally stable person.

Intraoffice romances very rarely work.

If you're interested in more than friendship, it's definitely a good thing.

[cramx3]

But, yknow, it also makes me think about my own actions in similar situations and wanting to be more up front with people so as not to be a dick like that.

I think about this all of the time.  Essentially do unto others as you would want done to you.

I made plans tonight with Crazy Chick. Now I'm not sure, but I THINK I regret it. It all has to do with this idea of treating someone with mutual respect. It's a 1.5 hour round trip to hangout with someone I don't really see myself enjoying spending time with. Sure, there's a sexual attraction. But if I say that's enough here, it makes me feel like I'm deceiving her or being selfish.

Edit: Just walked my dog and thought about it. Yeah... definitely don't wanna go. Time to man up and be honest. Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit, but I'm a little apprehensive cuz she hasn't struck me as the most emotionally stable person.

Well, it's friday night go out and try to enjoy it, but if you do feel like it's not worth the effort and it's not what you are looking for then just end it.  I hate it when a girl drags me a long, so I try not to do that once I come to realization that it's not right for me.   But the other end is that maybe you are playing on house money, you got nothing to lose to just be honest and say, hey I don't think we are compatible for anything serious, but you are hot and im horny so want to have fun? 

[sylvan]

I like that plan . I'm basically gonna take a crack at that. I canceled tonight cuz I just didn't want to go, but I didn't end anything yet. One step at a time. I think tomorrow I'm just gonna bring it up and see where it goes. What's the worst that can happen? Got nothing to lose here, that's for sure.

[JayOctavarium]

So I think I was stood up.  It's almost 130. She was suppose to be here at 9. No call.  No text. I'm incredibly drilunk.  I guess I'm just not worth the time l.

[bout to crash]

That is horseshit! Did you ever hear anything??

[JayOctavarium]

She said there was a chance that she was not gonna go.  But I just thought if that were the case..  I'd get a text or something.  Which I didn't.  I mean...  I had fun...  It was my buddy's band.  His GF was there and we both got shit faced together. But still. . .  Feels bad..

[JayOctavarium]

Not gonna let this happen again.  Opened up and made plans with someone and got. Fucked.  Not even literally.  Fuck it. 

[sylvan]

Not gonna let this happen again.  Opened up and made plans with someone and got. Fucked.  Not even literally.  Fuck it.

Okay, here's what's up. First, that's fucking shitty. If you two actually made plans, then she did the wrong thing. If you guys had tentative plans, "Oh your friends band is playing? I'll try and come out, but I might not make it." She still should have at least shot you a text. So before you swear off women forever, think about what "plans" you had. If she still fails the decent human test, then treat her accordingly. You see us talking about this very subject right now: the respectable way to treat other human beings. So while it's easy to see from our real world complaints, some people are short sighted, or immature, or simply too weak to do what's right. But, you should also recognize that WE are aware and consciously do our best to treat other people with respect. Unfortunately, some people just suck. This isn't going to change. BUT, some people out there don't suck, and on top of that, might actually be cool people. If you don't give them a chance, you'll never know who's who. And if someone ends up sucking, then fuck 'em! Who cares what they think about anything, anyways?

[cramx3]

Not gonna let this happen again.  Opened up and made plans with someone and got. Fucked.  Not even literally.  Fuck it.

While that was totally dick of her, this is not the end for you.  Got to get back up and try again.  Easier said than done, but like we talked about, failures will happen and you got to roll with the punches sometimes. 

[JayOctavarium]

Holy hangovers batman.

When I see her Monday I'm just gonna causually be like "Hey you missed a great show.."  and leave it at that.  I had a feeling she wasn't gonna show up...  She mentioned not sleeping well the might before... But like I've said a text would have been killer.  I'm just lucky my buddy's gf was there (whom I'm also really good friends with- introduced them years ago) because w/out her it would have truly been a shitty fucking night. 


Hell even if she just got nervous and chickened out (she's kinda shy...  Introverted like me...  Social situations are meh)...  Just a simple text would have be sufficient. 


Ok I'm  gonna try to go back to sleep.  Haha

[bout to crash]

Yeah that blows but it sounds like she didn't completely fuck you over (as in the plans weren't solid)... she should have texted, but considering the context she may have passed out or something.

[JayOctavarium]

I feel bad for getting upset last night (even though she'll never know I was).


I was just excited and then...  Bam. 


Oh well. 

[Prog Snob]

I feel bad for getting upset last night (even though she'll never know I was).


I was just excited and then...  Bam. 


Oh well.

You're thinking too much into this. You don't know what happened. Maybe she fell asleep early. Wait to see what happened first. Besides all of that, she barely knows you. Even though it would have been nice to get a text, she doesn't owe you anything. She said she might not go, so that was your warning. Don't write her off so capriciously.

[Lynxo]

I feel bad for getting upset last night (even though she'll never know I was).


I was just excited and then...  Bam. 


Oh well.

I understand that feeling completely. In that very moment, it can be so disappointing it ruins the entire evening. The best thing to do is to give it some time and realize that maybe it isn't big a deal and move on. Yeah, people suck sometimes but that's life. She may even have a completely valid excuse.

As for me, I was on a very successfull date this weekend. We had a coffee together and ended up talking for hours on end, in a way I've hardly ever done with anyone. As me, she is introverted but also a gamer, a feminist and very interested in politics. I feel like we really understood each other.
I only have her Facebook and I wrote her a message yesterday that she haven't responded to yet, which makes me nervous. Probably nothing to be nervous about, she doesn't even have Facebook on her phone. But you know that feeling when you've had an awesome date and you just want validation that it wasn't all in your own head...

[Prog Snob]

I've been talking to a woman for the past week. She lives in Bayonne. So far it seems to be going well. She's really nice and seems to be a good person, but right now I'm just trying to get to know her before coming to any conclusions.

[Stadler]

Not gonna let this happen again.  Opened up and made plans with someone and got. Fucked.  Not even literally.  Fuck it.

Stop with that.  What she did is on HER, not you, and reflective of HER not you.   I can almost unequivocally wager that her thought process was NOT about "Oh, man that Jay, what a tool, I think I'm going to just not show, purposefully not send a text, and just do whatever I can to trample his emotions like the crepe paper they are made out of".    No.   Her thought process was "ME ME ME ME ME long drive ME ME ME ME ME what if I got ice cream ME ME ME ME ME hmm, maybe I'll get sushi ME ME ME ME ME... oh, wait, it's 11:00?  I'm not going out now ME ME ME ME ME I me mine ME ME ME ME ME."

You can't win if you don't play.  You can't play if you think you're defeated before you ever take the field.    Gene Simmons - the great Gene Simmons, he of more women than you, me, Cram, and Jackie combined times five has repeatedly said "everyone gets a "no".  Keep asking other girls until you get a "yes".  It doesn't matter how many "no's" you get, you only need one "yes"."   

[Stadler]

I feel bad for getting upset last night (even though she'll never know I was).


I was just excited and then...  Bam. 


Oh well.

You're thinking too much into this. You don't know what happened. Maybe she fell asleep early. Wait to see what happened first. Besides all of that, she barely knows you. Even though it would have been nice to get a text, she doesn't owe you anything. She said she might not go, so that was your warning. Don't write her off so capriciously.

Am I the only one that feels like maybe even hoping for the text is too much?  What, really, did she owe you, Jay?  I don't say this to be mean, but to highlight that the expectations are YOURS not hers.   It's not easy, granted, but just take each moment for what it is: a moment.  Live in that moment.   If she shows, yay, if she doesn't, talk to the next girl that stands next to you.   

Don't put all this weight and baggage on each and every encounter.  Even saying "thank god my friend's GF was there" is too much expectation.  So what if she wasn't there?   Listen to a good band, and like I said, say something stupid to whatever girl is standing next to you (even if she has a boyfriend).   Just talk to people.   Doesn't matter how dumb or stupid it is, because you'll either never see them again, or if you do see them again it's because they WANT to see you (in which case, what you said isn't that stupid anymore).   

Do you know how many times I started talking to a girl, and ended up with the friend's phone number?  Either because they were seeing someone or they left early or they were obnoxious and I ended up saying something stupid to them?  You got to let a moment develop instead of having everything planned out to a T.

"Man plans, God laughs". 

EDIT: I just read Prog Snob's note, so, no, it isn't just me.

[JayOctavarium]

I hadn't heard from her all weekend. This morning I sent her a text that says "HAPPY MONDAY!" (Which I send to a couple people on Monday Mornings...).

She proceeded to blow up my phone chit chatting. Then came over to my cubicle when she took her break to see if I wanted to take break as well and walk with her. And then messaged me at like 1130 asking if I'd let her buy me lunch.. Which I accepted (and told her I got lunch next monday). We spent her entire lunch waiting in line at Panda Express... (she gets 30min. I get an hour). When we got back she hurried up to her desk (which is on the other side of the floor from mine... literally couldn't get much further away). I then receive a text telling me I forgot my fortune cookie. After my lunch I came back up to find a fortune cookie sitting on my desk.

And then at 3ish when she took her break... she again came by and asked if I wanted to go with her. Which I did.

And since then (It's almost 930 pm) she's been texting me like non stop.


*shrugs*

[JayOctavarium]

*Stadler knocking sense into me*

You are very much right. I won't let it happen again... and by this time I mean I won't let myself get so worked up over it. I may be going to see my buddy play in his other band at a little bar that's like a 5 min drive from her house on Saturday. If I do.. I may or may not invite her and It won't be so bad if she doesn't show up.

And I have gone to his shows completely alone and had a good time. I had just gotten a thing in my head on Friday and got so built up that the breaking down really sucked.  I WILL say I've seen too many fights break out at these shows started by drunk bf's going after dudes talking to their ladies... so I am very iffy about doing that. Lol

[Stadler]

^^^ If it helps, I totally know about the "buildup" and it's not as if I am immune to it.   In an odd way, the more rejection you get (and get comfortable with) the less "buildup" there is.

But, and not to change my tune, but your last post DOES seem to indicate she into you in some form or fashion.  I'm not there, I can't tell if it's "friend zone", but you're in SOME zone, that's for sure.    

[King Postwhore]

You have to know the girl.  Some want you to take the initiative,  others don't need to wait for you.  It's up to you to figure that out.

[JayOctavarium]

Well..  We've taken our relationship to the next level.  She's got me walking with her not only one lunch (3 quarters of a mile around our little  business complex)  but now also around then county government center (across the street technically,  even though my building is essentially a satellite building for the center)  and that's a good couple miles.  And fucking books it too.  My legs are actually sore. 

She also asked if I'd join her after work to walk as well.  I told her I may start...  But I've gotta work my way back up to that.  Lol. 



And I may be going to another show on Saturday (or to a bowling tournament or both).  Depending on the situation I may see if she wants to come hang out.  It's closer to her house... The only thing is Jenna (panda)  may want to come.  That'd...  Be awkward. 

[TioJorge]

Don't make yourself a shit sandwich, now.