Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[Stadler]

This happened to me, shortly after my divorce.   Met a girl, and I thought really hit it off.  Two dates, and BAM.  Just, over.

I'll be honest, though.  It's several years now, and I'm past it and remarried, and to the extent I ever think about it (almost never) I'm more bugged by my asking her for the reasoning than I am the reasoning itself.  I know that's probably not typical, but sometimes in life we don't get all the answers wrapped up nice in a little bow.

[cramx3]

This happened to me, shortly after my divorce.   Met a girl, and I thought really hit it off.  Two dates, and BAM.  Just, over.

I'll be honest, though.  It's several years now, and I'm past it and remarried, and to the extent I ever think about it (almost never) I'm more bugged by my asking her for the reasoning than I am the reasoning itself.  I know that's probably not typical, but sometimes in life we don't get all the answers wrapped up nice in a little bow.

Another thing to add is that even if you got a reason, who knows if it's legit.  Most people aren't going to say outright that I left you for another man, but will say something like "we just don't have things in common" or whatnot.  To be honest, I've used this type of excuse instead of the real reasons just because the real reasons would have made the person likely way more upset than the actual ending things.

Although I sincerely would like to know when I fuck things up, what exactly it was that fucked things up to learn from my mistakes, but then again it's rarely one thing that ends it and if it is, you likely know what you did.

[Stadler]

This happened to me, shortly after my divorce.   Met a girl, and I thought really hit it off.  Two dates, and BAM.  Just, over.

I'll be honest, though.  It's several years now, and I'm past it and remarried, and to the extent I ever think about it (almost never) I'm more bugged by my asking her for the reasoning than I am the reasoning itself.  I know that's probably not typical, but sometimes in life we don't get all the answers wrapped up nice in a little bow.

Another thing to add is that even if you got a reason, who knows if it's legit.  Most people aren't going to say outright that I left you for another man, but will say something like "we just don't have things in common" or whatnot.  To be honest, I've used this type of excuse instead of the real reasons just because the real reasons would have made the person likely way more upset than the actual ending things.

Although I sincerely would like to know when I fuck things up, what exactly it was that fucked things up to learn from my mistakes, but then again it's rarely one thing that ends it and if it is, you likely know what you did.

Not arguing with you at all, but even if you DID know the "truth" (at least as she sees it) who's to say that it applies to anyone else?    One man's meat, as Ian Gillan says.   I met a girl not long after and now we're married, and honestly I can't think of one thing I did really differently.   

[cramx3]

That's fair as well, but I guess it's part of me that feels like I should learn from all my experiences.

[King Postwhore]

I can easily look back now and understand why it didn't work out.  I am also happy now because I knew I'm better off for 2 reasons.  I'm better for going through it, I'm better of without the other person.

[bout to crash]

Lynxo, I think it's safe to say it's nothing you did. Based on her response I am guessing she is either going through some personal shit or is dating somebody else and didn't want to tell you that. It's her issue, not yours. Fine to be peeved but try not to take it personally.

It's true, we don't always get things neatly wrapped up in a bow, but it would be nice to have some answers!

I'm going back to Denver tomorrow and looking forward to my period being over so I can get some booty ... Ginger will pick me up at the airport.
Meanwhile, Knuckles and Dandy got me a nun dildo for my birthday that just arrived in the mail, so I will have to see them soon
I've only heard from Russian briefly since I've been gone, but I haven't really reached out to him (or anyone) much. Once I get home I will look at my calendar and propose a hangout, because I kinda miss his stupid face.

So, another topic- I got messages from a trans woman and a person who is sort of in-between on OKC (like, very obviously biologically male and even has facial hair, but dresses in women's clothing). I'm hella busy/booked and actually told them both that, but I am sorta curious. I've never dated/screwed somebody in either of those camps, and have always sorta wondered if I'd be into it... but I don't want to mess with somebody's head for the sake of my own experimentation, so it's sticky territory. They both seem like genuinely cool people though.

[Lynxo]

Lynxo, I think it's safe to say it's nothing you did. Based on her response I am guessing she is either going through some personal shit or is dating somebody else and didn't want to tell you that. It's her issue, not yours. Fine to be peeved but try not to take it personally.

It's true, we don't always get things neatly wrapped up in a bow, but it would be nice to have some answers!

Thanks, after thinking about it for a while, I've come to the same conclusion. I can't possibly see that I did anything wrong. And my friends say the same thing.

So, another topic- I got messages from a trans woman and a person who is sort of in-between on OKC (like, very obviously biologically male and even has facial hair, but dresses in women's clothing). I'm hella busy/booked and actually told them both that, but I am sorta curious. I've never dated/screwed somebody in either of those camps, and have always sorta wondered if I'd be into it... but I don't want to mess with somebody's head for the sake of my own experimentation, so it's sticky territory. They both seem like genuinely cool people though.

I'd say it's fine as long as you're being upfront about it with all parties involved.

[bout to crash]

True. I mean, it's not like I'm actively wanting to experiment, but I am honestly not sure if I would be into somebody in that situation since I've never had the experience before. I mostly just think people are people and I'm attracted to personalities vs. body parts, it's just a bit different. I dId once sleep with a friend who is pretty fluid with his gender expression, but am not normally attracted to him. I'm not super worried about it, but it's something I've been thinking about, getting these messages. We shall see!

[Prog Snob]

I don't get it. I just don't. If you're gonna end things with someone, you're not gonna see them again so just might as well just be honest about it.

No, I guess I can't demand an explanation. But the lack thereof just leaves me in a state of doubt if I did something to upset her. If she didn't block me, I could at least have asked that, so that I at least could have the opportunity to say I'm sorry and learn something. As it is now, I learned nothing. I feel like Jon Snow.

You're expecting everyone to be sincere and forthright and, while I sometimes have the same wonders as you, you need to resort to the hard facts that some people feel like they're better than you and will show it. There's no reason for this girl to have blocked you. If she's going through something then she needs to say it and then walk away. People need to act less sophomoric in these dating situations and act like adults. They need to accept responsibility for their actions.

[cramx3]

The blocking just makes me think she is seeing someone else and maybe seriously.  She doesn't want that other person she dated to pop up on a text or something while she is with the other guy.  That's my best guess.

I think it's part of a system where some bad apples ruin things for the good guys (typical for society).  Like a girl dates a few guys and decides to stick with one and honestly tells that to the other and then one of those guys calls her a a whore and stalks her on social media and then the next time this same girl just blocks everyone to avoid a nasty confrontation.  I've actually had girls tell me stories like this before.

It makes it easy for us good guys to sit back and say WTF did I do to deserve that? But I think it's rooted in the fact that there are way too many bad guys out there that just make these situations worse than they should be.

[DebraKadabra]

Deleting/blocking/ghosting... all of those are such dick moves, from guys AND gals. Man/woman up and be straight about it. Yeah, the truth sucks but at least in the long run it hurts much less.

Speaking of "man/woman up"... had to tell a fella that I wanted to keep things to just friends for now. He didn't take it so well, then got nasty and said I shouldn't bring up my ex so much. Um... fair point, but there is history there that doesn't just go away because of a breakup. Made me proud of myself that I didn't take the coward way out and was straight with him about it.

Fella is now on about "I want to make this work". Make WHAT work?! If you're that insecure... just... no. When he told me that early Tuesday morning, I told him to please give me some time. How much time is up to me, and I'm thinking it might be indefinite. I know that's evil, but if you have to almost beg for a chance... no. Grow a set and be my friend, or just go. I'm too old for the in-between shit.

TL;DR, Deb is still in Der Klub.

[bout to crash]

Yeah, he should respect the boundary you set. It sucks to be in his shoes, but you can't "make it work" if you're not on the same page of what you want right now.

[Adami]

Yeah, he should respect the boundary you set. It sucks to be in his shoes, but you can't "make it work" if you're not on the same page of what you want right now.

Speaking of which. Jack.....I'm still thinking about it....

[bout to crash]

 

[cramx3]

Deleting/blocking/ghosting... all of those are such dick moves, from guys AND gals. Man/woman up and be straight about it. Yeah, the truth sucks but at least in the long run it hurts much less.

Speaking of "man/woman up"... had to tell a fella that I wanted to keep things to just friends for now. He didn't take it so well, then got nasty and said I shouldn't bring up my ex so much. Um... fair point, but there is history there that doesn't just go away because of a breakup. Made me proud of myself that I didn't take the coward way out and was straight with him about it.

Fella is now on about "I want to make this work". Make WHAT work?! If you're that insecure... just... no. When he told me that early Tuesday morning, I told him to please give me some time. How much time is up to me, and I'm thinking it might be indefinite. I know that's evil, but if you have to almost beg for a chance... no. Grow a set and be my friend, or just go. I'm too old for the in-between shit.

TL;DR, Deb is still in Der Klub.

Im glad he didnt turn into shaming you in some ways.  I've heard that story a lot, girl ends things with guy and then guy tells he she is ugly or something.  It's what leads to ghosting in the first place.   I mean, his reaction still isn't the best, but I guess you know the guy at least liked you.  He should definitely respect the boundary you drew.

It actually seems like the girl I went on that one date last Friday was going to ghost me (no big deal really on one date that I wasn't crazy about), but I just called her out on it saying "it seems there is no interest so good luck out there and if I run into you don't be afraid to say hi"  Which she immediately responded    funny how that works.  Either way we left on good terms and she said she will reach out to me before the 311 concert in a couple weeks to maybe meet up as friends. 

Hung out with 23yo last night, just chilled at my house.  It was nice.  After 2 weeks since last hanging out and hardly texting we had a bunch to catch up on.  That's what I really like about her, so easy to talk to and she is always so happy and positive which is different than how we communicate when we arent together. 

[cramx3]

My date with Tennessee last night in NYC was nice.  Grabbed some awesome pizza and ate outside and just walked around.  Not a whole lot, we were both so tired so we only ended up seeing each other for about 2 hours.  She kept going for the PDA again and I was a bit more forceful with pulling away when I thought it was too much.  She says she wants to come out to Jersey for the afternoon tomorrow, I told her that would be great, but I honestly don't see the point in doing 2.5 hours of round trip travel to just hang out for 3 hours so we will see if she actually makes it out here.

And just spoke to 23yo and she wants to come over for drinks tonight which sounds like it could be a fun evening.

[DebraKadabra]

Yeah, he should respect the boundary you set. It sucks to be in his shoes, but you can't "make it work" if you're not on the same page of what you want right now.

Yeah, see below.

Im glad he didnt turn into shaming you in some ways.  I've heard that story a lot, girl ends things with guy and then guy tells he she is ugly or something.  It's what leads to ghosting in the first place.   I mean, his reaction still isn't the best, but I guess you know the guy at least liked you.  He should definitely respect the boundary you drew.

Well, he pretty much went off on me earlier this morning. He and I are both roleplayers in the MMO we both play, and he felt that how I was RPing my character was "cheating on him" but he was still willing to give the RP a fair shot. I kind of fired back that the way I play the character is sometimes poly. He did NOT take too kindly to that but I'm left with a massive set of the giggles and the fact that this is JUST A GAME.

So, since he decided to take a ticket on the weird bus straight to Crazy Town... bye, Felicia.

[King Postwhore]

Amen. Great call.  Too many trust issues there.

[cramx3]

Yeah, he should respect the boundary you set. It sucks to be in his shoes, but you can't "make it work" if you're not on the same page of what you want right now.

Yeah, see below.

Im glad he didnt turn into shaming you in some ways.  I've heard that story a lot, girl ends things with guy and then guy tells he she is ugly or something.  It's what leads to ghosting in the first place.   I mean, his reaction still isn't the best, but I guess you know the guy at least liked you.  He should definitely respect the boundary you drew.

Well, he pretty much went off on me earlier this morning. He and I are both roleplayers in the MMO we both play, and he felt that how I was RPing my character was "cheating on him" but he was still willing to give the RP a fair shot. I kind of fired back that the way I play the character is sometimes poly. He did NOT take too kindly to that but I'm left with a massive set of the giggles and the fact that this is JUST A GAME.

So, since he decided to take a ticket on the weird bus straight to Crazy Town... bye, Felicia.

So this guy took your real life ending and spun it into your MMO game?  Im not sure I'm interpreting it correctly, but from an outside perspective that's kind of funny although ridiculous.  Good riddance.

[bout to crash]

Good riddance, indeed!
Russian has been annoyingly silent and not trying to make plans with me, so he can kiss my ass. Saw Ginger and Hubby tonight but was really fried so we just watched a movie and I fell asleep

[cramx3]

Good riddance, indeed!
Russian has been annoyingly silent and not trying to make plans with me, so he can kiss my ass. Saw Ginger and Hubby tonight but was really fried so we just watched a movie and I fell asleep

womp womp about Russian, guy has seemingly always been pretty quiet towards you... kiss the ass indeed.

Tennessee is coming out here in a couple hours and I'm pretty excited to see her outside of the NYC streets.  I shouldn't have to worry about PDA for once.  She's only coming for a little bit so we are just going to do lunch and take a walk along the bay near my house.  Then maybe just chill at my house, she can meet my cat and I wish I could meet hers 

[bout to crash]

"So, uh, you've met MY pussy..."

[cramx3]

 

We had a pretty awesome afternoon, went for a walk along the bay and ate some seafood outside there as well.  Then went to the local park for a walk along the pond and to see the farm animals and back to my house where we had a nice make out sesh.  She then told me she's a virgin and not going to have sex until marriage.  I don't know, I think that kind of kills it for me sadly.  A relationship shouldn't only be about sex solely, but I do find it important.  I certainly wouldn't rush her, she had told me she wanted to take time first which is fine but then she dropped the bombshell. 

[Prog Snob]

I don't even know anymore. Sometimes this shit is an exercise in futility.

[DebraKadabra]

Amen. Great call.  Too many trust issues there.

Thanks much, my Liege. And yeah - WAY too many trust issues.

So this guy took your real life ending and spun it into your MMO game?  Im not sure I'm interpreting it correctly, but from an outside perspective that's kind of funny although ridiculous.  Good riddance.

No, he wanted to continue the relationship "in character" but he was making it VERY awkward "out of character". But same result - good riddance.

Good riddance, indeed!

Thanks bby

I don't even know anymore. Sometimes this shit is an exercise in futility.

No shit.

[Prog Snob]

It's so much easier to find someone to sleep around with than it is to find love. I'll just go back into my Hank Moody phase.

[Adami]

It's so much easier to find someone to sleep around with than it is to find love. I'll just go back into my Hank Moody phase.

It's been my experience that if you need to be with someone, you'll probably never be happy with somebody.

[Prog Snob]

It's so much easier to find someone to sleep around with than it is to find love. I'll just go back into my Hank Moody phase.

It's been my experience that if you need to be with someone, you'll probably never be happy with somebody.

That's kind of my crux. I know empty sex will create a temporary peace, but eventually I'll want to find something more genuine. Who knows? Maybe one of the women I meet will turn out to be much more than a friend with benefits. Maybe it'll happen when I'm not trying so hard.

[Adami]

It's so much easier to find someone to sleep around with than it is to find love. I'll just go back into my Hank Moody phase.

It's been my experience that if you need to be with someone, you'll probably never be happy with somebody.

That's kind of my crux. I know empty sex will create a temporary peace, but eventually I'll want to find something more genuine. Who knows? Maybe one of the women I meet will turn out to be much more than a friend with benefits. Maybe it'll happen when I'm not trying so hard.

I meant more....just be single. Be you. If you happen to meet someone, cool. If not, cool.

[King Postwhore]

It's the everything else that makes the relationship.   Sex is a part but there's so much more.  Plus, allowing each other to still be an individual.

[Prog Snob]

It's so much easier to find someone to sleep around with than it is to find love. I'll just go back into my Hank Moody phase.

It's been my experience that if you need to be with someone, you'll probably never be happy with somebody.

That's kind of my crux. I know empty sex will create a temporary peace, but eventually I'll want to find something more genuine. Who knows? Maybe one of the women I meet will turn out to be much more than a friend with benefits. Maybe it'll happen when I'm not trying so hard.

I meant more....just be single. Be you. If you happen to meet someone, cool. If not, cool.

It has been almost a year since I've been with someone. I can't wait forever. I need to do something with myself. I'm 40 years old and the longer I wait, the harder it will get.

It's the everything else that makes the relationship.   Sex is a part but there's so much more.  Plus, allowing each other to still be an individual.

I agree. I'm not necessarily saying that I want to have a sex only relationship the rest of my life. I'm just keeping a positive outlook in that maybe my next serious relationship will happen with one of my sex partners. I can only take it a day at a time, but I have to do something. Looking for love is not working. Looking for sex is miles easier. It'll give me a break from the discouraging dating field.

[Adami]

Yes, but based on this thread, it's been a year of pretty constant searching, lots of dating and so forth. I mean, do what you want man. I'm just saying that the stronger you need to be with someone, the less likely you are to actually be happy with anyone in the long term.

[King Postwhore]

When I looked for love it's didn't work. Enjoy you being single and let it naturally happen.  Trying for love never works.

[Prog Snob]

Yes, but based on this thread, it's been a year of pretty constant searching, lots of dating and so forth. I mean, do what you want man. I'm just saying that the stronger you need to be with someone, the less likely you are to actually be happy with anyone in the long term.

I understand what you're saying. It's a concern that I might force myself to fall in love just to be with someone. That's I will not do. I just want to have some fun right now. Forget looking for love. I'm digging out the old black book and seeing what else is out there. Basically, I think I should just take a break from looking for something serious.

When I looked for love it's didn't work. Enjoy you being single and let it naturally happen.  Trying for love never works.

That's what I want to do. I want it to happen naturally.

[Phoenix87x]

When I looked for love it's didn't work. Enjoy you being single and let it naturally happen.  Trying for love never works.

That's what happened with me. Just started graduate school. The whole year prior I was actively looking, but with no luck. I decided to not bother looking at all once starting school since I knew it was going to occupy all my time and then boom, on day one of class I meet a girl. We fall in love, eventually we get engaged, we plan a future. All started out of the blue. 

Sadly, that all fell apart a few months ago, but my best and happiest relationship was totally out of the blue.

But I feel your pain Prog Snob, I am ready to settle down as well.