Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[Stadler]

Others?

I DATED HER!

[bout to crash]

My plumber date last night went well. After the actual work stuff, we just had a beer and some cheese and talked. It was nice because I haven't spent much time with him alone, so I feel like I got to know him a bit better.

Looks like I've scared the Russian away. Haven't heard from him since Monday night. Pretty bummed, since I thought things were going really well, but I'm not going to reach out anymore at this point. I already feel stupid about the whole thing

[cramx3]

Why do you feel stupid?  Just because things don't work out for whatever is not a reason to feel stupid.

[sylvan]

Why do you feel stupid?  Just because things don't work out for whatever is not a reason to feel stupid.

I'll take a stab at it, cuz I think we share some thought processes when it comes to this stuff. She felt things were going good, but when Ivan Drago won't respond, or is relatively absent as far as regular conversation and progressing a connection, she begins to wonder why he isn't feeling the same way. And if he doesn't feel the same way, it must be her. And even though all that is happening in her head, and maybe Ivan texts her later today setting up a date, it really makes it easy to feel dumb, or embarrassed, or depressed, and think about what she could have done differently.

I wrote SHE so many times, it's as if I've been given signed permission to speak on behalf of Jackie  . That's just me putting myself into the situation and how I MIGHT feel "dumb". The human brain is utterly fascinating lol.

[bout to crash]

Basically. I'm feeling like I scared him off with something I said, and I feel stupid for putting myself out there so much.
Basically this was our convo Monday night:

J: my week is getting crazy but I'd really like to see you again soon! What is your weekend like?
R: oh god the weekend is so far away. I have no plans but may go climbing one day
J: I know! I'm sorry, I don't mean to put on any pressure, it's just that my schedule fills up so fast and it can be hard to see the people I really want to see (like you) so I have to plan ahead
R: I really want to see you soon too
J: Fine! ... well it looks like Friday is probably the best day for me because (all the shit I have going on Saturday)
J, 10 minutes later, feeling self conscious: *insert funny cat-related text here*
J, the next afternoon, feeling even more self-conscious about having not heard back: *insert funny dog pic here*
That was yesterday, and I haven't heard from him since the text Monday about wanting to see me. I feel like, even if he's extremely busy, there's no reason for that length of silence other than "fuck off" or "I am deceased."

[cramx3]

Pretty much but I'm not sure that's a reason to feel stupid here. Seems like you just made your intentions known and he wasn't interested. I kind of feel like it's better to put yourself out there and get rejected than hold back and end up not being genuine to yourself. Nothing stupid about it if you ask me.

[KevShmev]

Jackie, you should not feel stupid for putting yourself out there, but it is very possible that a) he figured out that you are seeing other people based on you saying, "My schedule fills up fast, and/or b) he was turned off by the statement because at the beginning of dating, when you really like someone, you will go out of your way to see them, and he might have interpreted your statement like, "She doesn't like me that much, otherwise she wouldn't be resorting to the 'this is when I can fit you into my busy schedule' line, meaning he is someone who will make time for someone he really likes instead of having to find time to fit them into his schedule.  Granted, we know your deal here, so I get where you are coming from, but it's very possible that that is what he is thinking. Make sense?

[bout to crash]

Well he knows I'm seeing other people because neither of us is monogamous, so that shouldn't be an issue. But yeah, I was trying to present it in a way that showed I really wanted to see him so I wanted to make plans before shit totally filled up. I see what you're saying, but I don't think he would expect me to flake on plans with somebody else because he has finally decided he's ready to make them. *shrug*

He actually texted me tonight, finally. He said "Jesus h Christ is it Wednesday?" I said "Holy shit, he's alive" and then we talked briefly about what I was doing (vinyl night at this brewery). I asked how his night was going a bit over an hour ago and haven't heard back yet.
Fuckin' a. I've already started to detach a bit, convinced I wouldn't hear from him again. Of course I still like him but I'm really feeling kinda meh about the whole thing right now. I will let him initiate plans to hang out if he wants to, or else we won't hang out. Too much energy has been going into this.

[Adami]

So I kind of developed a small crush on my TA of the past year (she's younger than me) so now that the year is over, I sent her a FB message to see if she'd like to go out sometime. Hasn't read it yet.

[cramx3]

Well he knows I'm seeing other people because neither of us is monogamous, so that shouldn't be an issue. But yeah, I was trying to present it in a way that showed I really wanted to see him so I wanted to make plans before shit totally filled up. I see what you're saying, but I don't think he would expect me to flake on plans with somebody else because he has finally decided he's ready to make them. *shrug*

He actually texted me tonight, finally. He said "Jesus h Christ is it Wednesday?" I said "Holy shit, he's alive" and then we talked briefly about what I was doing (vinyl night at this brewery). I asked how his night was going a bit over an hour ago and haven't heard back yet.
Fuckin' a. I've already started to detach a bit, convinced I wouldn't hear from him again. Of course I still like him but I'm really feeling kinda meh about the whole thing right now. I will let him initiate plans to hang out if he wants to, or else we won't hang out. Too much energy has been going into this.

Yea, sounds somewhat similar to the way I was feeling with Shoregirl.  There's only so much I can take of not showing any effort before I am just ready to give up.  I'm not very patient so I may react a lot faster than most, but you've got enough going on in your life and some other cool people you are seeing, why waste your efforts on someone who won't put back that same effort?  I think you are doing the right thing, it's on him now and just leave it.

So I kind of developed a small crush on my TA of the past year (she's younger than me) so now that the year is over, I sent her a FB message to see if she'd like to go out sometime. Hasn't read it yet.

Hope she responds with positivity.

23yo is coming over again for dinner and game of thrones.  Really excited to see her again.  She actually is not a good texter, we hardly text at all, but when we do, it's always something positive and it's something that clearly shows interest.  Doesn't ignore messages, just takes her time to respond I guess.  I was actually worried she was going to cancel because we hardly talked since hanging out last Friday, but we chatted last night and are on the same page.  It's just such a contrast from 23yo and shoregirl with the messaging.  I'd say the amount of text chatting between both was about the same, but one actually showed like she was interested and one did not.  It's not all about how many messages you send, but the context of those messages.

[bout to crash]

Yeah, agreed. Hope it goes well with the youngn!

He eventually replied saying he was cooking and I just went to sleep, figured I would reply today.... if he's lucky

[Adami]

She said yes, so we're hanging out Saturday. Not sure if she thinks it's just as friends or not, but I guess we'll see. Either way, it's all good. Good company is good company.

[bout to crash]

Adami, ask these other assholes what you asked me. Maybe they have man-insight.

[Adami]

Adami, ask these other assholes what you asked me. Maybe they have man-insight.

Oh, right.

So guys....no means yes, right?

[Adami]

So, while I still don't know if she sees this as just a friend thing or not, she is doing a very good job of unknowingly crushing my cynicism. As soon as I tell Jackie that (due to the time constraints) she probably won't want to eat, she proposes lunch. Right when I tell Jackie that telling me she's free at 1 probably means 2 or 3, she proposes we meet at 1. So, there you go, my cynicism has been defeated. Now I have nothing.

[Prog Snob]

Adami, ask these other assholes what you asked me. Maybe they have man-insight.

Oh, right.

So guys....no means yes, right?

It depends really. Some girls mean it literally. Others mean it playfully and want you to figure it out on your own.

[cramx3]

So, while I still don't know if she sees this as just a friend thing or not, she is doing a very good job of unknowingly crushing my cynicism. As soon as I tell Jackie that (due to the time constraints) she probably won't want to eat, she proposes lunch. Right when I tell Jackie that telling me she's free at 1 probably means 2 or 3, she proposes we meet at 1. So, there you go, my cynicism has been defeated. Now I have nothing.

You can't go into dating with such negative thoughts.  It's totally understandable and normal to question where you stand with a girl at this point, but to outright think everything will not work without giving it a chance is destined to fail.  Having said that, seems like she may be into you so enjoy the lunch tomorrow.  Give her the hints so she knows you are interested in more than friends.

Date with 23yo went awesome last night.  She is just a really happy person to be around.  I'm a bit nervous about the date tonight honestly.  This girl has been a blast to talk to, she is really cute, but she lives in the city and from my past experiences, the city thing just doesn't work for me long term.  Granted she is totally worth meeting at this point, but if I really like her then I'm kind of stuck between the two girls.  Either way, after tonight no more dates for a bit because it's vacation time for a week to the southwest.

[Adami]

Adami, ask these other assholes what you asked me. Maybe they have man-insight.

Oh, right.

So guys....no means yes, right?

It depends really. Some girls mean it literally. Others mean it playfully and want you to figure it out on your own.

Good lord man, I was kidding.

[bout to crash]

Cram, I totally hear your apprehension on the city thing, but you can make it work if there's a good connection. Glad the other date went well!

I also totally agree with your thoughts on Adami being too negative, but he knows that already

How do you guys establish that it's a date if you're not quite sure? Aside from the obvious- asking if it's a date, or going in for a kiss/grope.

[cramx3]

Not sure I've been in a situation where I wasn't sure.  Since my break up, all my dates have been from online where it is pretty clear that you are seeking a date.  If flat out bringing it up is too awkward, I would do certain things during the date itself.  Sit close, lots of eye contact, if you get close enough (depends on your seating arrangement) maybe make a little playful contact that is subtle to not be odd, but noticeable enough to show attraction, and of course go for a kiss at the end if all goes well.  Say afterwards, I enjoyed the date!

[King Postwhore]

How the hell don't you know if you're on a date?  You talk about getting together and get together....it's a date.

You bump into someone (hoping both ways to bump) then it really wasn't a date you happened to see someone you liked somewhere.

I'd say the first meet up for a coffee with online dating can be more of a compatibility meet up and not a date unless you both hit it off.

[Stadler]

Adami, ask these other assholes what you asked me. Maybe they have man-insight.

Oh, right.

So guys....no means yes, right?

I don't mean to suck the fun out of the room, but I know for me, I worry about this FAR more than I worry about STDs, or pregnancy or any of that stuff.  All that other stuff can be dealt with by science.   When I was dating I was deathly afraid of that kind of thing, and I can unequivocally name at least three times I walked away from a good fucking out of paranoia that the next day - either out of regret, guilt or sobering up - that person would have second thoughts. 

I'll play just about any game:  S&M, dirty talk, I'd even consider water sports, but NO means NO.  It can't be negotiable. 

I'm also paranoid around my daughter's friends and my step-daughter and her friends. 

[Prog Snob]

Adami, ask these other assholes what you asked me. Maybe they have man-insight.

Oh, right.

So guys....no means yes, right?

It depends really. Some girls mean it literally. Others mean it playfully and want you to figure it out on your own.

Good lord man, I was kidding.

You shouldn't be. I guess I've been with some women who were a bit more playful and didn't always want to make it easy.

[cramx3]

With regards to the yes/no thing.  I feel like if a girl is saying no when she means yes at this age that she is too immature for me.  I am also ridiculously cautious about going to far with a girl.  Even 23yo last night, during our make out session I started very cautiously touching her.  I stopped and asked if she was ok, she said yes.  Then continued.  It may be a bit of a stoppage in play, but I feel much better if I get a verbal agreement that she is ok. 

[sylvan]

Even 23yo last night, during our make out session I started very cautiously touching her.  I stopped and asked if she was ok, she said yes.  Then continued.  It may be a bit of a stoppage in play, but I feel much better if I get a verbal agreement that she is ok. 

“I need affirmative consent. I need you to say ‘yes, you may take me upstairs and crush my pussy at this time.'”

[The Trooper]

I am to old at this topic at 49.

[bout to crash]

With regards to the yes/no thing.  I feel like if a girl is saying no when she means yes at this age that she is too immature for me.  I am also ridiculously cautious about going to far with a girl.  Even 23yo last night, during our make out session I started very cautiously touching her.  I stopped and asked if she was ok, she said yes.  Then continued.  It may be a bit of a stoppage in play, but I feel much better if I get a verbal agreement that she is ok.

In general, I think women appreciate this and it doesn't ruin the mood. However, sometimes I just need a dude to fucking take charge without asking questions (in the appropriate context) and if there is a problem I will say so. Russian did that and I really enjoyed it.

Speaking of him, he's so damn awkward .. we have been talking again, sort of, but he's super busy with lab stuff this week. He wants to maybe hang tomorrow, which depends on whether Vermont flakes/what time he wants to meet up. If neither of them end up following through, I will be fucking thrilled to have no plans on a Saturday.

[cramx3]

My first date with Tennessee was really nice and a new experience for me.  We met at a starbucks in midtown at 7 and walked the high line till sunset which was awesome, very scenic views of the city and yesterday's weather was perfect.  About 20 minutes into the date we sat on a bench and she just started cuddling and gave me the look.  So I kissed her and she just started making out.... a lot.  With tons of people around.  I was really surprised.  We walked around a bit more and eventually got dinner and then I headed home, but throughout the rest of the night she just kept going at it with me pretty aggressively in public.  I was somewhat uncomfortable with doing that in public, especially since I was sober because I could see a drunk me doing that  .  She was really cute and a good kisser, I had a lot of fun so I'd see her again, but the whole PDA thing was a bit much for a first date, or any date really.

[TioJorge]

In this thread, we find out that Dadler and Snob have issues with words.



Whoa.

Here's the rule: If you have to question whether she's "playing around", she's not fucking playing around.

  I (uhh partly) kid. But really, with people (not just women) these days and their fetishes, it's pretty rough out there for those of us that aren't into the hardcore shit. Also of note, "hardcore" back in the day (probably before I was into anything more than missionary) and "hardcore" today....fucking universes apart.

I would think that unless the guy is an actual rapist or is a brainless, slow motherfucker, you're going to know if she's having fun or not. I've never had the experience, but I'd assume that the "no" will be pretty damn clear. I've been with plenty of freaky chicks, a lot of the experiences posted in here or elsewhere on the forum, and I've never had any issues with "shit, did she wanted to spanked that hard?" or "maybe when she asked me to choke her, she meant just put my hand around her throat?". If I'm okay, I'm pretty sure most peeps here will be okay unless they were actually role playing, in which case refer back to the dumbfuckerry. Role playing is different because it involves the actual use of pretending with action AND words. Hence safe words. Or again, just knowing when the joking ends.

[sylvan]

I FINALLY did the thing with DTGirl. What a huge relief after my "issues". It's kinda odd how the whole night unfolded, but it ended with successful fucking. I was psyched to actually finish , and she was psyched because she really enjoyed herself. No weirdness this time, just two thoroughly satisfied people.

Thanks OKC!

[Adami]

Congrats dude.


Had my date with my former TA today. She's really sweet. We mostly just walked around and talked for about 6 hours. No interest on my part though, she's just lacking....any passion. All in all, a day well spent, just not interested in much more. No complaints .

[sylvan]

Like, seemingly lacking passion for you, or just in general?

[Adami]

Like, seemingly lacking passion for you, or just in general?

Oh in general. I don't require passion for me on a first date haha. No hobbies really, no subjects she loved to discuss. Just kind of.....there. Like I said, super sweet and nice and really fun to talk to. But she just kind of felt like she was floating through everything. Nothing wrong with that, I just like some fire in my women.


......I like my women on fire.

[TioJorge]

  

[Prog Snob]

Like, seemingly lacking passion for you, or just in general?

Oh in general. I don't require passion for me on a first date haha. No hobbies really, no subjects she loved to discuss. Just kind of.....there. Like I said, super sweet and nice and really fun to talk to. But she just kind of felt like she was floating through everything. Nothing wrong with that, I just like some fire in my women.


......I like my women on fire.

Pyretta Blaze?