Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[bout to crash]

So I had dinner with that one guy last night who was nice. No fireworks or anything but I would hang with him again. I have plans to have a beer with another in a week. Most of them I feel indifferent about, but there is one who I'm genuinely curious about who is an Italian comedian originally from NYC and seems really cool. He asked about how I ended up in my job and I said something like "it's too long of a story for text, but is not what I planned to be doing... and that's also a roundabout way of saying I'll give you the story if you buy me a drink" . We'll see if that works. I'm not usually that forward but trying to be more.

[cramx3]

So I had dinner with that one guy last night who was nice. No fireworks or anything but I would hang with him again. I have plans to have a beer with another in a week. Most of them I feel indifferent about, but there is one who I'm genuinely curious about who is an Italian comedian originally from NYC and seems really cool. He asked about how I ended up in my job and I said something like "it's too long of a story for text, but is not what I planned to be doing... and that's also a roundabout way of saying I'll give you the story if you buy me a drink" . We'll see if that works. I'm not usually that forward but trying to be more.

Smooth 

I wish I could use that line

[bout to crash]

I mean, you could. That would probably work on me because I appreciate a non-conformist attitude of "woman, you can buy me a drink too." As long as he doesn't expect me to all the time.

[Sacul]

Well, I've been meaning to post this for a while and now I have some time to do so.

You may recall me looking for a couple through dating sites and such, some months ago. Well, it didn't really work, for I found few interesting girls that were also interested in chatting with me. The one I'm dating now, well... she found me

She added me on FB back in September, and we chatted regularly, as friends sharing music and having casual talks together. She's a SW fan as well so we met at his gig here after the show. It was a bit weird for she's very shy, a bit awkward, and not very expressive in her body language, but it was really curious an experience, for I felt... mirrored. Like a female version of myself years ago. We latter chatted about that, and one of our conversations became... deep. We talked about how we had both always felt like the black sheep everywhere, never really fitting, among other depressing stuff And I think that was the little spark that made us connect a bit, because after it our chats became more and more intimate. And last week I declared my love for her and we became a couple.

We're too similar, for not only we have the same height and physical contexture, but also share many things like a preference for dark clothes, short hair, a lot of music tastes, even the same philosophies on love and the crave for deep, serious relationships. She's a curious girl, open to new things, loves abandoned places, creepy stuff, cats, and weird music, but also is very sweet, lovely and compassive - basically everything I'd been looking for in a girlfriend and more.

Thing is... she lives 400kms away from me, and it's 15 years old - I'm just 19. So most of our interaction outside the gig meeting has been through text and pics, and some audios. And, well, Skype - just today we had our first session, and although we expected it to last 10 mins, it took us almost an hour and a half and had a great time. We plan to meet again in July, but tbh I'd prefer to do it as soon as this weekend, but we both know that wouldn't end up well, for her parents don't seem to take us serious, and considering the context, they have valid reasons yet it frustrates me a fuckkng lot - her mother seems convinced she could find "something better" and that I would use and dump her. Fucking triggers me.

By now the father doesn't seem to know we're really into something, but he's kinda suspicious of me and my intentions. I hit my head against the wall in a daily basis figuring out a way to convince them I'm a good guy. It's really frustrating, and things are progressing very slow in that sense but she and I are very happy with each other - she has hopes of coming to my city to go to college when she's old enough because her hometown sucks (it really is an awful city), but, again, doubtful parents. And I understand their worries but I fear they might ruin our thing if we aren't very, very cautious.

So that, sorry for the wall of text, but really wanted to share this, as I'd like some tips on how to maintain a distance relationship considering the circumstances. This is both our first time into... well, this bf/gf thing and have made some mistakes, but we'll carry on despite them - we get along so well I doubt we'll find someone like the other anytime soon and well try our best to work out this. Thanks for reading

[bout to crash]

Wow, 15 and 19. That brings back memories

I mean, I don't know what the laws are like where you're at, but she is still a kid and you have to respect where her parents are coming from. Have you met them, or is this just stuff she has told you based on her telling them about you? If not, maybe you can have a sit-down with them and explain where you're coming from. It's still a new things, so I wouldn't fret about it TOO much, but that's easier said than done.

Guys, I spent the evening/morning/early afternoon with a James Franco lookalike who I met at my friend's crazy birthday party. Life is good.

Meanwhile, Brooklyn guy and I have been texting and will probably make plans to hang soon, as he said he would indeed love to buy me that drink

[Stadler]

I mean, I don't know what the laws are like where you're at, but she is still a kid and you have to respect where her parents are coming from. Have you met them, or is this just stuff she has told you based on her telling them about you? If not, maybe you can have a sit-down with them and explain where you're coming from. It's still a new things, so I wouldn't fret about it TOO much, but that's easier said than done.

As the FATHER of a 15 year old, I have a lot of thoughts on this, but perhaps it will be best if I sleep on them and respond in the cold light of day.

Suffice to say, my gut reaction first thought was... cool your jets, Casanova. 

[bout to crash]

, totally understandable. I think this sounds a lot different than my 15-19 situation (the guy was a total player/sweet-talker type), but I always gravitated towards older dudes and older friends in general and I think it CAN work. But you're right, no reason to rush into anything.

In other news, I officially have a date with the Brooklyn guy Friday! I haven't actually been this excited about an OKC date in a while. He just seems really cool. We shall see.

[Sacul]

Although according to law here she's in the consent age, we've agreed we won't get to *that* anytime soon, and I don't mind, that's not my intention with her at all. But yeah, I get the parents' concerns very well, I have a younger sister and she's quite outgoing and gives mine some headaches. Also, hers being such religious people doesn't make it easier either.

Today I told my family about us and they took it very well, but she's afraid hers, specially the father, won't really like it. She'll have to eventually tell him, but my dear is too shy to do so now.

By now I'll try to focus on college because of tests, but I'm looking forwards to our next Skype session - we'll play GTA SA online so it should be pretty fun

[TioJorge]

Hmm... I'm not gonna sugar coat anything. That sounds all kinds of fucked up.  To each their own, but there's a universe of difference between a person at the age of 15 and then the age of 19. It's night and day. Disregarding the topic of the actual age difference between you two, it's more that, like Jackie said, she's a kid. If it's legal where you two live, that's all fine and dandy but I'd say that at the very best this is playing with fire. There are probably a minuscule amount of people that were more or less the same between the ages of 15 and 19...the vast majority have the most changes in that time in every way; physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm more or less spit-balling and writing this in stream of consciousness so don't take anything too personally. I don't have any kids but I do have two younger sisters and raised them myself so I'm probably reacting through the eyes of a father figure.

If it's legal, all the better. But again, that's not my focus here, it's the simple matter of you (granted, still being a kid more or less; apologies if that sounds offensive but I'm of the state of mind that anyone under a general age of their mid 20's has their head up their ass no matter their position in life) being far more mature than she is even when just regarding pure physicality, not even touching upon the ocean of difference in...well, everything else. Life experience, outlook, desires, general know how...and more nuanced, but going through the growing pains of those years and having someone who is going through the same things as you, with you...I mean the list really is endless. Hell, you even said it yourself... "Like a female version of myself years ago"; people change...a metric fuck-ton, even when they're "all grown up". But the overwhelming majority of that change takes place right in that sweet spot of 15-20-ish. If I haven't been blunt enough, it just sounds like a horrible idea.

Call me the pessimist but I think most of that is through a realists view, it's just that it's not all niceties. Anyway, I'm sure someone else who is much more optimistic will post but that's my two cents. I do wish you the best of luck but I'd be remiss if I didn't give my honest opinion. I also just realized that I didn't even answer your actual question of long distance relationships which is a whole other bag of shit entirely even for two adults who know exactly who they are, what they want, etc.; one that I can't even answer given that I haven't and will never even attempt to try that out. Oops. 

[Adami]

Also, did I read your post correctly that you've only met her one time and almost all form of communication since then has been text based plus one (maybe more since) skype session?

[Stadler]

Remember, too, that oft times "legal" just means the "bare minimum".  It doesn't mean it's the best course, nor the most advisable.  I'm sure we can sit here and trade stories of every time it "DID WORK"/"DIDN'T WORK" and probably come out fairly even.  But there's a reason colleges rarely take on students that are even a year younger than the rest of their class, let alone four years younger.  There's a reason you can name the players that go from high school to the pros in basketball on one hand (literally).   

Anyway, not suggesting you stop, and not telling you what to do, but merely to proceed with caution.  In my view, the fact that she's scared to tell them speaks volumes.  If it was so "right", she wouldn't be.

[Sacul]

Finally a non-positive reaction, thanks UncleGeorge, i really need other perspectives on this 

I'll admit I was very hesitant to get into something more than just a friendship with her, but it was inevitable for me - I've never found anyone with who I resonated and got along so well, not even my close friends. Although I had promised myself not to have a couple beyond 2 years of difference (either more or less), and that was within 200kms of distance, she has broken my very own rules and I totally let her do it. I know there's quite a difference, and it's noticeable on some stuff, and makes me question this a bit, but I like to think she's more mature than your average 15yo - at least to me it feels like talking to someone my age. But yeah, she still has some issues typical of the age and I'm willing to help her on that.

Yes, Adami, plus audios, short vids, and lots of pics. I'd really like to have Skype sessions more often, and meet her again soon, destroying the virtual wall - mostly-text-relationships suck, but she's very shy and these things cost her a lot, but she's making progress and I'm patient 

I'm taking lots of cautions on this, Stadler, and I hope they are enough. She's afraid to tell them (although they already suspect) mostly because of backlash from his dad, but that's probably due to her relationship with him ain't very good. Her parents also seem to think she "could get something better" and try to discourage her from this, which I understand, but damn it if it isn't frustrating. My family reacted very well so I have no worries on that side at least.

[cramx3]

I would say at 15, keep it to texting and friendly.  Anything more and you are entering into a legal issue.  Especially if her parents are not cool with this (and why would they be?).  Sure your intentions may be good, but you are dealing with a minor and none of that matters at the end of the day.  The father is right to be suspicious.  Maybe over time you can meet the family, let them know the intentions (be upfront and honest), and let them know you don't plan to ever kiss her or touch her until she is 18.

If you are going to be serious with her then you need to be serious about the situation you are getting yourself into and it honestly is not a good one besides the way you two connect on an emotional level.

It may be a good thing that there is 400km difference between you two sadly.

[Stadler]

Finally a non-positive reaction, thanks UncleGeorge, i really need other perspectives on this 

I'll admit I was very hesitant to get into something more than just a friendship with her, but it was inevitable for me - I've never found anyone with who I resonated and got along so well, not even my close friends. Although I had promised myself not to have a couple beyond 2 years of difference (either more or less), and that was within 200kms of distance, she has broken my very own rules and I totally let her do it. I know there's quite a difference, and it's noticeable on some stuff, and makes me question this a bit, but I like to think she's more mature than your average 15yo - at least to me it feels like talking to someone my age. But yeah, she still has some issues typical of the age and I'm willing to help her on that.

Yes, Adami, plus audios, short vids, and lots of pics. I'd really like to have Skype sessions more often, and meet her again soon, destroying the virtual wall - mostly-text-relationships suck, but she's very shy and these things cost her a lot, but she's making progress and I'm patient 

I'm taking lots of cautions on this, Stadler, and I hope they are enough. She's afraid to tell them (although they already suspect) mostly because of backlash from his dad, but that's probably due to her relationship with him ain't very good. Her parents also seem to think she "could get something better" and try to discourage her from this, which I understand, but damn it if it isn't frustrating. My family reacted very well so I have no worries on that side at least.

Sacul, at the risk of lecturing you - which I don't mean to do - or piling on - which I also don't mean to do - be careful with "rules".  This isn't potentially wrong because of "4 years difference" or because of "200km", which are both arbitrary rules.  I'm married to a girl who is 8 years younger than me.  But we're in our 40's.  It's potentially wrong because we're getting into the realm of "decisions that there is no walking back from".   You take a job, and it sucks, you can always quit.  When you start talking about the development of a 15-year old, these experiences and choices can result in life changes.  She's spending time with you, she's NOT spending time with her peers.   You're spending time with her, you're NOT spending time with your peers.  And both of you at a time when your brains aren't fully formed yet, when your experiences aren't JUST experiences yet but are still mapping your psyche.   

Do what you will, but be careful, and recognize the bigger picture - to the extent you can at 19; the science says you're better at it than she is, but you're still not where you will be when you're 25 - when making your decisions. 

[bout to crash]

True that. I mean, my real opinion is that most relationships at that age are doomed anyway and it's always melodramatic, but nobody wants to hear that.

[cramx3]

I'm not even thinking about that, all of that can be learning experiences, but the law is a different animal.  You'll learn a real hard lesson if the father catches you being physical with his underage daughter.

[bout to crash]

Nah, she is age of consent where he's at. So he'd just have to deal with the father, which is maybe worse than the law.

[Adami]

People are only on the age thing? No one else is concerned that he declared his love to a girl he's met once, whose defining characteristic is how much she reminds him of himself?

[TioJorge]

Dadler knows what's up.

True that. I mean, my real opinion is that most relationships at that age are doomed anyway and it's always melodramatic, but nobody wants to hear that.

Once again miss Jackie speaks what my heart says. Word to that. So hard.

I can't tell you how much I believed I was "in love" at her age and not a single soul on the planet could tell me different. Now at 27 (er..in a few days) I have a nice nostalgic chuckle at the thought.

Adami, I'm assuming (and oh god I'm hoping) that the "declaration of love" was used as a phrase and not an actual "I'm in love with this girl" line...that's how I read it anyway. Maybe I'm wrong. If so it's another topic entirely and one I'm going to go out on a limb on and say it's something that's useless to talk about with Sacul. No matter anyone's age, if they think they're in love (regardless of what the word means to the person or if it's "true", or as true as one can measure such a thing from the outside looking in), no one can say or do anything about it. But uh, yeah...my reaction would pretty much be 

[Chino]

Dadler knows what's up.

True that. I mean, my real opinion is that most relationships at that age are doomed anyway and it's always melodramatic, but nobody wants to hear that.

Once again miss Jackie speaks what my heart says. Word to that. So hard.

I can't tell you how much I believed I was "in love" at her age and not a single soul on the planet could tell me different. Now at 27 (er..in a few days) I have a nice nostalgic chuckle at the thought.

I was ready to kill myself after a relationship at the age of 17 went south..... so stupid

[Sacul]

I guess this is the closest I've been in love with someone, so maybe I'm not really in love yet

But yeah, I realise I may be taking this too serious but also fear it might go nowhere or not end up well, yet I'm willing to try to make it work out despite everything - even if it fails I'd have learnt a lot.

By now I just want to go out with her, taking hands, giving hugs, corny & cheesy stuff, etc. Other things will come when the time is due - I hope I can make her father understand that

[cramx3]

People are only on the age thing? No one else is concerned that he declared his love to a girl he's met once, whose defining characteristic is how much she reminds him of himself?

That's a concern too, but I was young and "fell in love" before so I can at least understand where he is coming from with regards to that.

[Sacul]

Eh not really, maybe I phrased it bad - she's pretty awesome, witty, open-minded, good tastes etc, but then we start to diverge, for she's more creative and into arts like movies, series, manual crafts and drawing, while I'm the nerd, book-worm here. I'm normally quite cold and distant, and she's pretty light-hearted and lovely. I'm a bit pretentious and self-centered, she's humbler and cares about others. And other stuff. So she being similar to how I used to be is a little part of it as I see it - I just want to help her overcome all the shit she's going through because I care about her, not out of pity.

[bout to crash]

What kind of shit do you think you can help her overcome? And how?

[Chino]

Sounds like a 1 way ticket to the friend zone.

[Prog Snob]

[cramx3]

What kind of shit do you think you can help her overcome? And how?

This is a good question.

Sorry if it seems we are all hammering down on your happiness, but just want to bring up the concerns.

[Stadler]

I just want to help her overcome all the shit she's going through because I care about her...

Does SHE want to be helped?  Does SHE see something to be "overcome"?

Understanding that we as a species are 100,000 years into the same shit, so it's not as if I have any specific, new insight, but I feel like EVERYONE to some degree feels "alienated" and "alone" - it's part of growing up - and the way most people naturally "overcome" that is to be among peers who feel the same way.   It's part of the growing process and part of the bonding process; shared experience is incredibly strong - it's why we have school reunions, it's why actors bang on set, it's why we have things like fraternities.   And the strongest shared experiences are among peers.    It's why we have "grades".   It's why (in part) schools are broken into "elementary", "middle" and "high" school.   None of this stuff is random, even if we never think about it.    Perhaps you can point her in the right direction, but if she truly does feel "outside" and has things to "overcome", then the best way to do that - absent professional help - is to work them out with people in the same position as her.   Physically, psychologically, emotionally, geographically...


My opinion, probably not even worth $0.02. 

[Prog Snob]

So, let's see. I'm talking to a few different women right now.

Jenn - She lives on the island. 37. Single. No Kids. Just got out of an engagement. She wants to meet up tomorrow for coffee.
Chrissy - She also lives on the island. 36. Recently widowed. No kids. She wants to meet Thursday.
Valerie - Lives on Staten Island. 31. Single. No Kids. Works a lot. Is only available after hours. Next early night she gets we're meeting for coffee, which could be later, tomorrow, the day after.

And I've fallen hard for someone I can't have, because I'm a glutton for punishment.

[King Postwhore]

You sound like a Weezer song John.

[Sacul]

I just want to help her overcome all the shit she's going through because I care about her...

Does SHE want to be helped?  Does SHE see something to be "overcome"?

Yes - she's very shy and awkward socially, and being constantly bullied and called "fucking autist", plus her parents not giving a shit about it and thinking she should "be more normal and get some friends" doesn't help either. Thus she has a very low self-esteem and things between us have progressed very slow because of that. I went through something similar in high school and know what it feels like. She sometimes asks me for tips, or tells me her problems, and I mostly just try to cheer her up.

And no friendzone here because this is mutual - she listens to my crap, sometimes sends me little cute messages that put a small smile on my face, tells me how much she likes me, etc. Hell, she's even more fascinated by my personality and appearance than I am of hers, something I'm still digesting And we announced our relationship on FB this Sunday so it's official I guess

[Prog Snob]

You sound like a Weezer song John.

Unless it's Buddy Holly, I don't know any of their songs.

[King Postwhore]

You sound like a Weezer song John.

Unless it's Buddy Holly, I don't know any of their songs.

Not the title but listen to the lyrics.

https://youtu.be/phDuvBk_9ok

[Prog Snob]

Now, I get it. The days of the week and the girls. 

[King Postwhore]

Yup. That's exactly how I heard it.