Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[Stadler]

Sorry, my hearing aid batteries are dying; am I to understand that "ghosting" is when you just up and disappear?

I think some of this is in the false expectation that 'texting' is the equivalent of face-to-face communications.   I know it has it's place, and I do it too, but "texting" is not at all the same as meeting a person for a drink and engaging in face-to-face conversation, with nuance, context, subtext, and environmental (I LOVE the sound of a woman's voice, and I love smells, so both are lost there). 

But it's interesting, because the one example I mentioned was almost exactly the same as Chino's, except that it wasn't "mid-text".  And I did write a little note to her asking for some insight into what was going on.  But even then, it was kind of BS.   I tend to think an ex came back to her and she didn't want to say so.

[cramx3]

But in Chino's example and mine, we both went on dates.  We met face to face and had no signs of stopping, yet that person just ghosted us (and yes you are correct in what it means).  That's not really the same as just texting and stopping the text.  I dont really get worked up about that because I don't put much emotion into texting until I meet the person and start to really get to know them.

[Chino]

But in Chino's example and mine, we both went on dates.  We met face to face and had no signs of stopping, yet that person just ghosted us (and yes you are correct in what it means).  That's not really the same as just texting and stopping the text.  I dont really get worked up about that because I don't put much emotion into texting until I meet the person and start to really get to know them.

I agree with you. If all you've done is text, ghosting is whatever. I personally wouldn't do it, but I've had it happen enough times where it doesn't phase me any more. However, we went out twice. That made it weird. If we just went out once and she ghosted, it'd be pretty easy for me to convince myself that she didn't think I was attractive enough, didn't like the fact I'm balding, or thought double fisting our first drinks was a little much. The fact that she at least liked me enough to go out a second time made it a little bit harder to swallow.

[TioJorge]

(I LOVE the sound of a woman's voice, and I love smells, so both are lost there). 

This is totally random but this reminded me that a few weeks ago I met up with an old friend for coffee and learned that she became a true blue naturalist hippie tree-hugging psychopath and while I am ALL for au naturale with a woman...I uh...there's a fucking line, lady. She literally smelled like I do after I don't shower for a day and then decide to go running for an hour and then vigorously work out for another hour and then decide 'hey, I'm alone for the day, I'm just gonna bask in my own musk, screw the shower'. Like for real, this lady would have made a caveman cringe. It was so bad. It was so god damn horrible. I get it, you are a natural beauty and you really are gorgeous, OH EXCEPT I KEEP GAGGING EVERY TIME YOU MOVE YOUR ARMS.

Christ almighty. There's a difference between a forest nymph who is almost all natural and a 100% walking armpit. I mean, I feel like if you're going to go AU NATURALE, just don't even use toothpaste or modern devices. Like, truly commit to it. Otherwise...how about you bite that bullet and put on even just some natural-ingredient FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-DEODORANT.

[cramx3]

 

Somewhat related, but that reminded me a bit from George Carlin complaint about men and cologne and your natural scent.

https://youtu.be/OxzD-GlcLOI?t=1m5s

[Stadler]

... didn't like the fact I'm balding, or thought double fisting our first drinks was a little much...

I read that WAYYYYY too fast the first time. 

Anyway, good points.  I definitely agree that if you have gone on multiple dates, "ghosting" is kind of lame.

[TioJorge]

Somewhat related, but that reminded me a bit from George Carlin complaint about men and cologne and your natural scent.

https://youtu.be/OxzD-GlcLOI?t=1m5s

Absolutely, on the opposite end of that, that's alllmost worse than doing absolutely nothing. Except now I've experienced why someone at some point in time said "Jesus fucking christ guys, we need to cover our smell. We need to. WE HAVE TO" *murders everyone*. Carlin...brilliant man.

God it's amazing how relevant a lot of that still is (or TEN BILLION FOLD in regards to *snickers* cam-corders...god I remember cam-corders...except the ones that were 'personal' but so huge that they took two arms to hold).

20 fucking years later and his comedy is still just as relevant as it was then...holy shit.

I digress. 

[cramx3]

Tio, don't get me started about how golden George Carlin was with how spot on he is with his "free floating hostility" 

[Chino]

George Carlin was a legend. I would have loved to have seen his opinions on the current state of America.

[Stadler]

I was lucky enough to see him in Vegas.  As good as he was in those HBO Specials (I think he has like ten of them) he was even better live.   Best comic I've ever seen live and it isn't even close. 

[Prog Snob]

George Carlin was a legend. I would have loved to have seen his opinions on the current state of America.

Imagine the rant on Obama he would have made.

[Chino]

Not really a joke, but one of my favorite quotes of his.

[Prog Snob]

That's one of his best. I'm surprised there isn't a Carlin thread here already. Of course, his anti-religion rants were my favorite of his.

[Chino]

That's one of his best. I'm surprised there isn't a Carlin thread here already. Of course, his anti-religion rants were my favorite of his.

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure" 

[Prog Snob]

That's one of his best. I'm surprised there isn't a Carlin thread here already. Of course, his anti-religion rants were my favorite of his.

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure" 

   I was just looking at that meme and was about to post it.  I need to watch some of his stuff later on. Sam Kinison was my favorite until I heard George for the first time.

[Stadler]

That's one of his best. I'm surprised there isn't a Carlin thread here already. Of course, his anti-religion rants were my favorite of his.

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure" 

   I was just looking at that meme and was about to post it.  I need to watch some of his stuff later on. Sam Kinison was my favorite until I heard George for the first time.

Please, not directed at you in any way shape or form, but...

George Carlin : Jordan Rudess :: Sam Kinison : H. Jon Benjamin

(Someone will get that analogy, I'm sure.)

[Chino]

I got nothing and have never heard of Sam Kinison. I googled him. If he cut his hair, he could be an Alex Jones stunt double.

[Prog Snob]

That's one of his best. I'm surprised there isn't a Carlin thread here already. Of course, his anti-religion rants were my favorite of his.

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure" 

   I was just looking at that meme and was about to post it.  I need to watch some of his stuff later on. Sam Kinison was my favorite until I heard George for the first time.

Please, not directed at you in any way shape or form, but...

George Carlin : Jordan Rudess :: Sam Kinison : H. Jon Benjamin

(Someone will get that analogy, I'm sure.)

I don't know who that is. 

[sylvan]

Does it mean that George Carlin is a smart comedian and Sam Kinison has a "funny" voice?

Ghosting after multiple dates is fucked up and does more harm than good. What is so fuckin hard about telling someone the truth? I just don't get how you could ignore someone you were in some way close to. (unless, of course, someone was told to fuck off and leave the other alone)

[bout to crash]

Yeah, I have trouble speaking up at times but to just disappear? Nah.

I want to ask y'all your opinion on metal yoga guy when I'm less tired. To be continued...

[TioJorge]

I basically just pictured X-Men's Colossus doing yoga.










Now I've got a boner. God damn it.

[cramx3]

I ended things with phonesexy over the weekend.  We just have nothing in common and it was painfully clear on Saturday night that having a conversation not about sex with her was impossible.

[Prog Snob]

And that's a problem?      

[cramx3]

And that's a problem?   

For me it is.  I am not against a sex only relationship, but I still wish to be able to have some sort of conversation.  It really is that bad with her.  Dinner was painful since it couldn't be dirty talk in public.  Just made me realize she was not for me.

[Prog Snob]

I understand that. If she was a mental midget, I'd have a problem with it. I need there to be some kind of mental connection, though I'm not against a sex only relationship right now. Finding a serious relationship is eons harder.

[cramx3]

I understand that. If she was a mental midget, I'd have a problem with it. I need there to be some kind of mental connection, though I'm not against a sex only relationship right now. Finding a serious relationship is eons harder.

I would be fine with sex only.  But yes, it became painfully obvious she was a mental midget and I was having a really hard time communicating on any level unless it involved sex.

[Prog Snob]

Was she one of the Tinder contestants?

[cramx3]

Was she one of the Tinder contestants?

She was from okcupid.  I've been talking to a few girls on tinder, but I can't seem to get anything to work on tinder.  All the women seem too flaky for me.

[TioJorge]

I get what you mean, Cram...it's nice to have a physical relationship but mental ineptitude is a huge turn off for me as well. If the chick is doing nothing but talking about asinine things before we fuck, I'm not gonna want to fuck. If she talks about it afterwards, I'm not going to want to see her again. So even if it is physical for the most part...nothing is just sex. There is always something more even if it's minuscule. For fuck's sake, we at least need to be able to communicate properly. 

Good to hear you've got some standards that you're not willing to compromise for your lesser brain though. 

I've had to do the same a couple times. I mean, I do like to at least be friends with some of my fornication buddies. I cannot and will not be friends with someone who thinks that the Kardashian's are people to look up to and that Kanye West is a really hot fellow who has conspiracies going against him; let alone stick my beautiful penis into them. My penis is too good for you. (...and I did actually at one point have lunch with a chick who said those things and pretended that I got a call from (no ring? It's on vibrate, I wanted to be polite!) my sister who had just gotten in a car wreck, oh no gotta go) 

[Stadler]

I get what you mean, Cram...it's nice to have a physical relationship but mental ineptitude is a huge turn off for me as well. If the chick is doing nothing but talking about asinine things before we fuck, I'm not gonna want to fuck. If she talks about it afterwards, I'm not going to want to see her again. So even if it is physical for the most part...nothing is just sex. There is always something more even if it's minuscule. For fuck's sake, we at least need to be able to communicate properly. 

I perhaps would have phrased it differently, but this.  I'm sure I had my moments in college, what with a coed dorm and all, but for the better part of my adult (read: fornicating) life, there has to be SOMETHING to grease the skids between the initial contact and the actual sex, and then again from the sex to the door closing.  I don't know if it is a good trait or bad, but while I can obviously look at a woman from a distance and appreciate JUST her beauty, when it comes to a living breathing person I have to interact with, I can't JUST limit it to the sex part. 

[Prog Snob]

Was she one of the Tinder contestants?

She was from okcupid.  I've been talking to a few girls on tinder, but I can't seem to get anything to work on tinder.  All the women seem too flaky for me.

Tinder is still a mystery to me.

[cramx3]

Tio and Stadler, glad to see someone sees it the way I do as well.  So many guys say they will fuck girls and blah blah blah, but I cannot get myself to just fuck someone that I have no interest in on some sort of personal level.  I mean that, if I am going to have any sort of relationship even only physical, there needs to still be some sort of level of communication that I enjoy.  This girl was great on the level of sex talk, but after 3 dates and a bunch of phone conversations, I felt like I still didn't even know her one bit.  Nor did she know me.  Everytime I try to talk about anything, it got spun into a sexual way.... which is fun and most of the times, I enjoyed that.... but at some point it needs to be something more than that.  She kept wanting to call in the evenings for phone sex, I kept finding excuses not to because honestly, it was fun the first couple times, but after that I'd rather just watch porn. 

Saturday night she came over and couldn't recall one personal thing I told her about myself.  She may have a bad memory, but she seemed to recall the dirty thing I said a week earlier... but couldn't tell me my brother's name who lives with me and she met and I've talked a few times about in conversation.  Dinner was a disaster in terms of having any sort of conversation.  I had to end the night after dinner, I couldn't take it anymore.  I pulled a move similar to Tio's to get out.  I felt so bad about it.  I still do, but I needed to get out. 

Anyway, got home from work and fired up okcupid and saw this:

I'm really good at....crafting, cooking, and Netflix binge watching.

Really? You are really good at netflix binge watching?  I don't get it at all... my lonely heart is feeling so frustrated by this. 

[bout to crash]

Blegh, sounds like you and phonesexy hit your expiration date. Sex talk and stuff is fine, but if there's not much substance that shit gets old.

I know it's all frustrating, but there will be better ones!

I basically just pictured X-Men's Colossus doing yoga.










Now I've got a boner. God damn it.

, not quite.

Okay, so here's the situaion:

First date: Beer and sushi, great conversation, good sex.
Second date: dinner and art, more great conversation, cuddling because we were both exhausted and he had to get up early.
Third "date": he brought his partner (woman he's been dating a while, obviously polyamorous) to a reading I did. She was super cool but we didn't get to talk much and they left at intermission, which was a bit awkward but fine. He said later they wanted to enjoy some quality time together on their date night (vs. watching a bunch of assholes read ridiculous shit from their teenage diaries- I get it haha).
Fourth date: He came over this past Friday, cooked dinner (with some help from me), we listened to music and had more good conversation, then we watched Insurgentes and both fell asleep for a bit on the couch. He gave me a hug and left. He had to get up sort of early so that was fine, but not even an effort for a kiss or anything. I didn't feel comfortable going in for it, nor did I feel comfortable trying to snuggle up or put my arm around him during the movie, because it almost seemed like he sat just far away from me enough to make that weird. Like, as much of a pansy as I am I normally would make some sort of move to at least touch a person I've slept with, but I was not getting those sort of vibes at all.

I'm trying to figure out if:

A. He really was just super tired and that's why his vibe was weird, because it sounded like he had an exhausting week
B. He's just not a super horny/sexual guy (which is just really weird for me, and I often don't last very long with those types)
C. He's even more shy than me when it comes to making moves, and I need to be more aggressive  (also don't do well with those types for very long; I'm such a sub )
D. He's just not into me that way anymore all of a sudden
E. ??

I'm too chicken to say something, but I did text him a bit ago (we haven't talked since Friday) telling him I hope he had a good weekend and thanks again for the food and good company. I guess if he doesn't answer by tomorrow (he's a bit of a slow texter) I'll know where we stand. I'm not head over heels for him or anything, but I really like talking and hanging with him. And fucking him, the one time. So I'm not sure what to make of all this, but I'm too busy/tired to be too anxious about it.

[cramx3]

I think the fact he didn't kiss you goodbye means something considering you have slept together.  I feel that is kind of odd.  Do you think his other partner had some sort of issue with him and you?  I think the polyamorous part makes this much harder for me to understand since I am not familiar with that lifestyle, but it seems like the 3rd date was where things changed a bit.

[Stadler]

Yeah, I have to say, I'm at a total loss here.  Maybe I don't understand the poly thing as much as I thought I did, but it doesn't seem like there's any ready or obvious answer.   Except maybe, he's just that guy (we all know ONE guy like this) that just literally does what he wants, when he wants, on his schedule and on his terms.   

That's not me; a relationship is as much giving as it is receiving, and there are times when you have to make the effort to offer your partner the things that you hope they are offering you, even if it isn't the top three thing on your list of things you want to do.  Personally - and Jackie, don't read this as being critical of the guy - I would have sat through the people reading shit from their teenage diaries because it was important to you.  If I needed "quality time" with my girlfriend, I wouldn't have brought her there to start with. 

I think all I can offer you is, he is clearly making sure he gets what HE needs from the people around him, and you should make sure you are getting what YOU need from the people around YOU, full stop.  If you need that contact, if you need that fucking, if you need that whatever, and you aren't getting it, and it's not seeming to be the kind of relationship where compromise is a part of the menu ... find someone who will give it to you.   Pun intended