Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[cramx3]

Lol. Whether he likes it or not, she's moving in. It'll start with sleepovers a few nights a week and a toothbrush in the bathroom. Next thing he knows, he'll no longer have a closet and there'll be DIY everywhere.

Yup, that's how I see.  I had another friend not move in until marriage but that's because his parents were very old school and did not allow them to live together, but I don't get that mentality when you eventually get to the point that you are talking about.

[Stadler]

I wish it was as straightforward as, "Wanna commit blasphemy?" 

Why isn't it?   I mean, you can't lead with that, but still.   I wouldn't keep hammering the "I want to keep it fun" thing; you've made your point, and she's still there; she's an adult, she's made her decision.  Now it's on you to just MAKE it fun.  Talk to her like you'd talk to someone at work.  Or at a bar.   You'll figure it out; you're a smart guy.

It didn't go anywhere (though I'll admit I wanted it to) but I remember one of the best text exchanges I had after my divorce was with a girl who was at Wal-Mart standing in line, and we turned it into a sort of "riff" on camping at Wal-Mart.   yeah, I know, you had to be there, but that exchange kept us going through two dates and about two and a half-months.

[Stadler]

Lol. Whether he likes it or not, she's moving in. It'll start with sleepovers a few nights a week and a toothbrush in the bathroom. Next thing he knows, he'll no longer have a closet and there'll be DIY everywhere.

Yup, that's how I see.  I had another friend not move in until marriage but that's because his parents were very old school and did not allow them to live together, but I don't get that mentality when you eventually get to the point that you are talking about.

It's a double edged sword; it's harder to break up if you're living together, but then again, you don't really know.  I got lucky - very lucky - with my wife, but there are still things that "I wish I knew".  As I said, I got lucky, in that they are not deal breaker things, but there are just things you CANNOT know - even if told - without seeing them for real, first hand.  It just depends if you're that person that can put up with things or if every little thing is a catastrophe.

As always, it seems that it boils down to "being honest with yourself, first and foremost". 

[cramx3]

Lol. Whether he likes it or not, she's moving in. It'll start with sleepovers a few nights a week and a toothbrush in the bathroom. Next thing he knows, he'll no longer have a closet and there'll be DIY everywhere.

Yup, that's how I see.  I had another friend not move in until marriage but that's because his parents were very old school and did not allow them to live together, but I don't get that mentality when you eventually get to the point that you are talking about.

It's a double edged sword; it's harder to break up if you're living together, but then again, you don't really know.  I got lucky - very lucky - with my wife, but there are still things that "I wish I knew".  As I said, I got lucky, in that they are not deal breaker things, but there are just things you CANNOT know - even if told - without seeing them for real, first hand.  It just depends if you're that person that can put up with things or if every little thing is a catastrophe.

As always, it seems that it boils down to "being honest with yourself, first and foremost".

I lived with my x for 4 years before I broke up with her.  It's extrememly difficult to do while living together, and our ending had little to do with the fact we lived together (our issues were way deeper than shit that comes up when living with someone).  I do agree that those little things you may hear about or may have slightly experienced during a sleep over are totally different when you are living with that person. 

I did read some time ago that couple who live together before marriage are less likely to actually get married.  I guess I added to that stat, but the concept was that once living together you practically are married in a way so the motivation to get married is gone, plus breaking up is much easier when you aren't married.  I think this also had to do with how dating works no a days and how quickly people go through partners (I am also adding to this).

[bout to crash]

I have no interest in living with another human being. Especially somebody I'm dating. Cats only, please.

[Chino]

I have no interest in living with another human being. Especially somebody I'm dating. Cats only, please.

I think about that sometimes. I feel like I'd get a lot more accomplished in life if I didn't live with a partner.

[cramx3]

I have no interest in living with another human being. Especially somebody I'm dating. Cats only, please.

Yea, having been there, done that, I enjoy my cat way more than another human in my house.  Maybe I change my mind if I meet the right woman, but that seems more and more impossible.

[Stadler]

I have no interest in living with another human being. Especially somebody I'm dating. Cats only, please.

I think about that sometimes. I feel like I'd get a lot more accomplished in life if I didn't live with a partner.

HAHA, for me, it's likely that'd I'd have a ton more Platinum trophies, and box full of Achievements.   

[Prog Snob]

For fucks sake, it's everywhere.

https://mashable.com/2016/01/27/netflix-and-chill-airbnb/#r2fH5HfjykqV

[Chino]

For fucks sake, it's everywhere.

https://mashable.com/2016/01/27/netflix-and-chill-airbnb/#r2fH5HfjykqV

Is the mini bar included, or do you have to pay per drink?

[cramx3]

 

Hung out with phonesexy twice this week, she is a kinky one for sure.  I enjoy it, opening me up a bit.  She came over last night and brought a pizza, can't recall a girl ever doing that before so that was really nice and awesome.  She's 6 years older so she is mature and so much easier to talk to than most of the younger girls I've dated.  Doesn't feel like she is playing any games, just straight up with me and I like that a lot.  We are having fun and that's what I really care about.

[Chino]

Hung out with phonesexy twice this week, she is a kinky one for sure.  I enjoy it, opening me up a bit. 

Ouch

[cramx3]

Hung out with phonesexy twice this week, she is a kinky one for sure.  I enjoy it, opening me up a bit. 

Ouch

was waiting for a comment about that  Im not an anal guy, for myself or for her.

[TioJorge]

 

Aw that's less fun. After she gets out of a good shower, get some lube and enjoy the tightest fun hole that mankind has to offer.

So.


Good.


I mean unless she's not into it herself. I'm not an advocate for "OOPS! I didn't mean to put it in there"!

I'm having some fun tonight! But am nervous because apparently we'll be filming it cause she's going to...er...some country... for a month for nothing but work and said that I'll be her only form of release for that time because she's going to be in a place with pretty much zero technology (she's one of those insane types that loves to make the world a better place in third world countries and whatnot  )
So uh...here...we go? I mean it's not like (unless she's secretly a bitch) anyone else will be seeing it but just the fact it's going to be recorded at all...Hmm. I've taken pics before and stuff in the past but not a video and most of the pics weren't of me.  q24098uasdkgajw0893w6utawoefjawp948yt

[cramx3]

That's... interesting.  Maybe it will end up on the internet

[TioJorge]

Nowai.

Honestly if I thought there was any chance of that happening there's no way I'd do it.

Then again maybe I'm a fool and in a year or two we'll have a DTF thread that says "George's Lightsaber" and I'll have to retreat into the wilderness forever, never to return to society or the internet ever again.

[cramx3]

lol I kid I kid.  Sounds like you may have a good time, well at least you better if you aren't going to see this girl for awhile.

[bout to crash]

, let's hope it ends up online. I always wonder if the douche who threatened me a few years ago ever did actually share pics of me with the internet, but I try not to think about it.

Cram, sounds like a solid girl! Define "kinky," please

Also, I agree with George on anal. It's been too long....

I am probably seeing metal yoga guy tomorrow, and then again Wednesday. He's bringing his partner (long term gf) to this event I will be reading at. I've actually been talking to her on OKC a bit so I'm curious to meet her!
Also probably seeing the lady Monday. I feel like I haven't seen her in ages so that should be cool.

[Phoenix87x]

Sucks major ass when you have to wrestle with that decision whether to break up with someone you've been with for 3 years.

Terrified that you will never someone this good again, but at the same time realizing certain problems which have been discussed and discussed again and again are still occurring. You talk and talk, but nothing changes. And to make it even worse, they are annoyances, but not really deal breakers. Happy most of the time, but I'm tired of these stupid fights over nothing.

I indirectly bring up the idea of breaking up and the response is pretty much "if that's what you want, later". and once the argument gets going, my favorite "I don't have time for this" comes up. Apparently to her, this relationship is not worth fighting for.

But at the same time, this is the first person to ever love me and first person I have ever loved. All very frustrating and saddening stuff.

[cramx3]

Sorry to hear about your situation, it really is difficult. 

Sounds like the two of you do not know how to fight or how to resolve your problems together.  Very much like my x and me.  The little fights all seem to add up over time, it's not just one small thing, but like 30 different small things.  I eventually became the person who thought the relationship wasn't worth fighting over anymore. 

Only you can decide if you have gotten to that point, but don't stay with her because you are worried about finding another person.

[bout to crash]

Only you can decide if you have gotten to that point, but don't stay with her because you are worried about finding another person.

Fucking this. That is never a reason to stay in a relationship.

To be honest, the way she's reacting to you bringing up the breakup thing sounds like she's not too upset at the prospect but hasn't had the guts to dump you yet... OR she's like the guy I just stopped dating who is so damn afraid of confrontation that she'd rather it just end (or let things stew forever). In which case she needs to grow the fuck up.

I remember what it was like to break up with my first love, and I had a lot of the same thoughts/feelings. When it's the only love you've ever known, it's terrifying imagining never finding somebody else like that person... but honestly, ten years later it all just seems silly. The odds of that sort of thing lasting are slim... and I'm not being cynical, just realistic. It's new to both of you, you're still learning, you're young and maybe a bit idealistic about love. The truth is most relationships don't last... and I'm not saying THAT means you should end it, just saying if it doesn't last that's okay and you will survive.

[Stadler]

Only you can decide if you have gotten to that point, but don't stay with her because you are worried about finding another person.

Fucking this. That is never a reason to stay in a relationship.

To be honest, the way she's reacting to you bringing up the breakup thing sounds like she's not too upset at the prospect but hasn't had the guts to dump you yet... OR she's like the guy I just stopped dating who is so damn afraid of confrontation that she'd rather it just end (or let things stew forever). In which case she needs to grow the fuck up.

I remember what it was like to break up with my first love, and I had a lot of the same thoughts/feelings. When it's the only love you've ever known, it's terrifying imagining never finding somebody else like that person... but honestly, ten years later it all just seems silly. The odds of that sort of thing lasting are slim... and I'm not being cynical, just realistic. It's new to both of you, you're still learning, you're young and maybe a bit idealistic about love. The truth is most relationships don't last... and I'm not saying THAT means you should end it, just saying if it doesn't last that's okay and you will survive.

Fucking this, to steal Jackie's line.

I'm in the same boat; met a girl in college.  HOT, smart, popular... I was the man with a plan because she was with ME.  We dated for almost two years, and it was like Phoenix says; not so bad it was a no-brainer, but bad enough where it was like "Is this REALLY what all those movies are about??".    And I couldn't believe I would find someone better...

And 25 years later, I realize that wasn't really love.  It wasn't really unconditional, it wasn't enough to over come those little things, and it was just another brick in the wall that is Stadler.   I honestly and literally do not think of her at all these days, maybe once in a blue moon, but other than when I hear "Evidence of Autumn" (which makes me think of her) even that is probably stretching it.

You WILL find someone.  And you'll have this experience as the standard by which you'll measure the next couple... until you raise the standard yet again.   The trick in my view is not being your own worst enemy.   

What's the worst that happens?  You break it off, and she gets the metaphorical slap in the face and comes back and says "WHOA!  You were right all along!"  What's the best that happens?  You get a whole new opportunity to up your game. 

[bout to crash]

Yep. I guess the guy I referred to was sort of puppy love. We were both very much in love with the IDEA of love but did I really love him? Meh, I dunno. We did a lot of talking about this future we were going to have together and it was all idealized crap, but really we kinda just fell for each other because we hung out all the time (lots of mutual friends) and had some common interests. After about a year I started to realize that, mentally, we didn't actually have a lot in common (he was way less emotionally mature and extremely negative) and our mutual love for pizza and ripping on bad movies was not enough to sustain the relationship 

(Also, he very much idealized and worshipped me, and that got old fast.)

(Also also, I still feel embarrassed when I think about all of the corny baby talk and stuff we used with each other. Eww.)

[King Postwhore]

Well I love to read your post baby cakes.

[bout to crash]

We had like sixteen different nicknames for each other, including things like Babypoo, Tostito, and Sunshine Cupcake. Yeah, don't ask me where the hell that came from 

[King Postwhore]

Sunshine Cupcake?  Holy lol.

Ours is jerk face, luv bug, buddy and pal.

[bout to crash]

Jerk face is good!

[TioJorge]

I call mine "Turnover", "Spreadem", "Youontop" and "Birthcontrol?".

It's really sweet.

Yeah I'm over the nickname phase with any relationship and it's honestly a near deal-breaker if she is bad enough about it. "Talk" in the form of that kind of overly idealized, dream-like, nearly-unobtainable bliss usually merits me just walking away. I've realized the extremely hard way that when in relationships or even dating (hopefully at least becoming serious dating) people love to say random shit that may sound super deep and meaningful and in less than a week is nothing more than a fart in the wind. Actions are where it's at. Talking is nice and if the person has shown to back it up, even better; but man, people talk the talk way too fucking much.

Porno fun night was fantastic. Different. I'm gonna give TMI per my usual spiel and say that I am absolutely no director because the first try was all ass and balls. Like for real, it was fucking atrocious. I immediately thought of that scene in Aways Sunny when they're talking about Dennis' POV videos. But we got around to making some super hot stuff and now I shall be browsing all the porn sites even more than I usually do.  Not really, she seemed more nervous than me actually and said that we should make a habit out of it when she gets back. Which I'm honestly not too keen on. I'm cool with a couple once in a while but I'm not lookin' to start an amateur service here. I'm more than fine with my memories and continuing on willy nilly. We'll see.

In the meantime it's a nice (really) weirdly hot thing to spank it to. We've been meeting up quite often recently and even hung out without screwing *GASP* and it's still feeling very laid back and non-bullshitty. So this month might feel longer than others for me. I've got another ladyfriend but I'm actually feeling a little ambivilant about meeting up with her, which is fucked up. Must go kill something cute and watch The Kardashians and Guido Shore to remember how disgusting humanity is. Quickly.

[bout to crash]

, I love your posts.

I'm not sure I'll ever make another video after what happened last time. Photos, maybe. Depends on the context of course, but I'm gun shy after being threatened by a psycho.

So guys, after thinking about it for a week and a half I ended up messaging that guy in search of some closure (things had basically been left at "are we not talking anymore? Ok, it's been real..." and I felt weird about that). I told him basically these things:
-I didn't like that he pinned us "not talking" on me when it takes two to have a conversation
-I shut down when I don't feel heard or respected, which is why I didn't feel comfortable reaching out to him
-I have no desire to be in another relationship where I'm afraid to talk about my feelings
-his lack of reaction to us not talking made me think he either didn't care or was not willing to put up any kind of fight when things were less than perfect
-I wish him well and am just looking for closure vs wanting to argue

I wasn't sure if he would respond, but he did. On the surface, maturely (he even apologized, finally!), but really just the same selfish shit. He basically parroted the same stuff back to me and said he felt the same way. He felt hurt and disrespected and was too hurt to reach out.

Wait, what?? Hurt by what, exactly? Because I told him that I was hurt by something HE said? Wtf kind of childish shit is that? Part of me wants to ask for clarification but I think it best to leave alone at this point. I said what I had to say, I feel better in that sense.. and he responded in a way that confirmed the self-centeredness that got us here in the first place. I don't really want to salvage this, I just wanted some closure. Oy vey.

[TioJorge]

Ah yeah, I was going to mention something last time and forgot...that is supremely fucked up and I'm really sorry to hear that happened; that's got to be one of the worst feelings. It takes a truly special kind of piece of lower-than-dirt shitfart to make a threat like that. People can be really twisted that way...and I'd be just as skeptical if I had a badonkadonk and boobies.

It's always nice to get closure and even more nice when you know without a doubt that what you did was right, and it certainly sounds like you got your final hammer to the nail. Always sucks no matter what...but man, one can only imagine the kinds of shit that'd be flying if anything serious ever happened if you two got serious and he needed to actually do something. Gawd forbid. If it's one thing that's become a huge turn off to me now that I'm finally growing up a smidgen, it's laziness. Truly makes me want to run for the hills if a chick is lazy. Plus it's guaranteed to make the sex less fun. Which is obviously the most important part. Forget being taken advantage of or knowing you'll always have to be the one to initiate any activities or always be the one to work the hardest, it's the fact that we can't do Kama Sutra is what's fucked up.

 

[cramx3]

, I love your posts.

I'm not sure I'll ever make another video after what happened last time. Photos, maybe. Depends on the context of course, but I'm gun shy after being threatened by a psycho.

So guys, after thinking about it for a week and a half I ended up messaging that guy in search of some closure (things had basically been left at "are we not talking anymore? Ok, it's been real..." and I felt weird about that). I told him basically these things:
-I didn't like that he pinned us "not talking" on me when it takes two to have a conversation
-I shut down when I don't feel heard or respected, which is why I didn't feel comfortable reaching out to him
-I have no desire to be in another relationship where I'm afraid to talk about my feelings
-his lack of reaction to us not talking made me think he either didn't care or was not willing to put up any kind of fight when things were less than perfect
-I wish him well and am just looking for closure vs wanting to argue

I wasn't sure if he would respond, but he did. On the surface, maturely (he even apologized, finally!), but really just the same selfish shit. He basically parroted the same stuff back to me and said he felt the same way. He felt hurt and disrespected and was too hurt to reach out.

Wait, what?? Hurt by what, exactly? Because I told him that I was hurt by something HE said? Wtf kind of childish shit is that? Part of me wants to ask for clarification but I think it best to leave alone at this point. I said what I had to say, I feel better in that sense.. and he responded in a way that confirmed the self-centeredness that got us here in the first place. I don't really want to salvage this, I just wanted some closure. Oy vey.

Got to say, I am not sure what closure you were really looking for.  It seemed like you knew this was over and why it was over.  Expecting him to have some sort of different response now just seems unlikely to me.  But if it made you feel better to get that out then good for you, but sounds like it just pissed you off more.

I like some closure as well so I get it, just from what I read, it seemed like even though you left it open ended, that you actually had your closure because you knew exactly what was up with him at that point (selfishness).

Speaking of closure, actually just had one of the better closure experiences.  I never met this girl, but we talked a lot on okcupid and even had a nice long phone coversation a few weeks ago.  But she stopped responding to my texts so last night I just gave her my closure text, a simple good luck with her job search and nice talking to her blah blah blah and she actually had a very nice response about her reasons.  It was nice to actually hear that and not just disappear.  Granted it's much easier to have a happy ending when there are no emotions involved.

Tio, practice makes perfect with directing 

[Stadler]

Please no one take this in any way personally, but... I must be missing the "closure" gene.  I just don't have it.  There are times when I have specific questions I would like answered, and it's not like there aren't times I'm left mystified (I think I've mentioned one of them here).   But I figure, I'm a big boy, if I want to text them I will, and if they want to text me, they will.   I'm not THAT selfish that I don't understand that some people feel hurt, and some people are shy, and what not, and I try to account for that, but as a general proposition, I don't know that I can point to a case where there was the "grand finale" where I went from one (negative) emotion to another (positive) emotion.   

Maybe it's because I'm stubborn, and almost all of my relationships have lasted longer than they should have (my marriage ended in 2013, and looking back, we should have called it "dead" circa mid-2010), so by the time they were done there was little left to talk about.

[cramx3]

Not everyone is willing to just let things disappear especially when there are emotions tied to it. 

I would have never sent an "ending message" to that one girl normally, but our conversations were fairly deep and personal and I thought it would be nice to give it a proper ending.  She said "You seem like a nice guy and the fact that you go out of your way to check in is really, really sweet. "  Which is what I try to do and I'm glad she noticed and complimented me on that.  It just makes me feel better about the situation and I'd imagine it made her feel better too knowing there wasn't some guy out there who might still be interested in her and there are no negative feelings now.

For me, I like the confirmation that it's over.  No lingering around and questionable situations.  No ghosting.  Be respectful.  At least for me, be respectful because I am very likely to only show respect towards you so I expect that same in return. 

I still have a very bad taste left in my mouth from the girl who tried to ghost me last year.  After 6 dates and a few hundred bucks spent on her as well as my time (travelled mostly to her), I thought it was ridiculously disrespectful of her to just ignore me (even more so due to the fact that the last time I saw her I was leaving her bed).

[Chino]

Please no one take this in any way personally, but... I must be missing the "closure" gene.  I just don't have it.  There are times when I have specific questions I would like answered, and it's not like there aren't times I'm left mystified (I think I've mentioned one of them here).   But I figure, I'm a big boy, if I want to text them I will, and if they want to text me, they will.   I'm not THAT selfish that I don't understand that some people feel hurt, and some people are shy, and what not, and I try to account for that, but as a general proposition, I don't know that I can point to a case where there was the "grand finale" where I went from one (negative) emotion to another (positive) emotion.   

Maybe it's because I'm stubborn, and almost all of my relationships have lasted longer than they should have (my marriage ended in 2013, and looking back, we should have called it "dead" circa mid-2010), so by the time they were done there was little left to talk about.

I wouldn't say I dwell on closure, but there are times when I'll want answers. I'll usually give it a cool down period though.

Before I met Victoria through Tinder, I had met another girl on there and went out on two dates with her. We texted all the time, knew plenty about each other, yadi yada. Seemed like a real good fit. I was away for the weekend camping and the texting continued. Then one night, literally mid conversation (no hesitation between our replies), she stopped texting back. I figured her battery died or something, so a few hours later I said goodnight, and that was that. Next morning, she didn't text me. It was clear by that evening she was done communicating.

About a ten days went by, and my last message to her was still the goodnight message. I finally texted her again and just said something like "Hey Leah. I told myself I wasn't going to do this, but could we chat for a minute about why this ended so abruptly? I'm not trying to change your mind, and I'm not upset or anything, but if it was something I do/did, I'd like to know for my future self's sake. You can be honest. You're not going to hurt my feelings".

She responded right away with an explanation. I don't know if I'd consider it closure. It's not like I was sick to my stomach over it. Just given the circumstances (mid conversation), it seemed a little odd and my curiosity got the better of me.

[cramx3]

And that example I feel is what is wrong with dating today.  It's very easy to start chatting with someone and it's also very easy to just stop, but if you are communicating on such a nice/respectful level and even met, isn't it just respectful to let that person know your feelings have changed? 

A girl I used to date, who I met on okcupid but am still friends with on facebook, had a little rant the other day publicly on facebook.  I guess she feels ghosting is fine, because when she tells guys she is no longer interested, the guys end up turning into real assholes.  Apparently making fun of her (calling her ugly or fat) and I guess that sort of mentality has left some women feeling it's better to just walk away without saying something?  I feel like there is just so much wrong there on both ends.  Some of the responses from different people to that facebook post were fascinating.