Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[bout to crash]

So I ended up bringing it up because it almost seemed like he didn't want to make plans with me this weekend. I honestly wasn't sure if he was telling the truth about work stuff so I wanted to try and casually test the waters.



(The missing part here just says "I blame the tequila barrels. To be honest...")



Honestly, the fact that there is a fucking hour between his texts says it probably is more of a big deal than he's letting on, but whatever.
Soo it still feels kind of awkward but we shall see if he ends up trying to make this weekend work. I hate to say this, but I feel like this is going to fizzle soon, maybe partially thanks to my big mouth. But the sooner the better if he can't handle the person I am, I suppose.

[sylvan]

I, personally, just can't imagine having this type of relationship with someone and not being able to say what I mean or feel. "Well, I honestly didn't dig some of the ridiculous things you were talking about..." What's with this choice of words? Just say what you really think, ya know. It's one thing to find someone's sexual story odd, or embarrassing, or awkward, or sexy, or whatever. But not "dig" it? Does he have some sort of moral/ethical objection to your story?

I hate to say this, but I feel like this is going to fizzle soon, maybe partially thanks to my big mouth. But the sooner the better if he can't handle the person I am, I suppose.

So this isn't exclusive to guys . I've had to learn first hand that same lesson, and it's soooo true. It's one thing to present the best version of yourself, but it does no one any good to try and be something you're not.

[Stadler]

I don't know; we're all different, I get it, but that convo seems terribly... passive-aggressive if you ask me.  Sounds like a lot of game-playing on his part.   

Why should you be apologizing?  You were the host, right?  It's your place, your party, you get to set the tone.  If he doesn't like it, he can either say something or not, but don't bring it up a day or two later and use it as a weapon (and yes, judging what you said as "ridiculous" without any discussion is using it as a weapon).   

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but that really rang false to me.

[bout to crash]

Well, ridiculous was my word initially, because I didn't feel comfortable texting "When I was talking about that semi-public blowjob"
I'm also the one who brought it up two days later because I could sense some weirdness between us.
But yeah, the choice of the word "dig" rubbed me the wrong way as well and felt a bit judgemental. And yeah, maybe the long period between messages was game playing but also could have been not knowing what to say.
I have to keep reminding myself that just because somebody is very liberal and open-minded in some ways (i.e. forty pot plants in the basement, raised by lesbians) doesn't mean they are in other ways (sex).

I hate to say this, but I feel like this is going to fizzle soon, maybe partially thanks to my big mouth. But the sooner the better if he can't handle the person I am, I suppose.

So this isn't exclusive to guys . I've had to learn first hand that same lesson, and it's soooo true. It's one thing to present the best version of yourself, but it does no one any good to try and be something you're not.

Amen. I should be able to drunkenly blurt embarrassing truths occasionally. It wouldn't be untrue to me to not constantly share such things, but if he gets upset when I do, meh.

I feel you on not being able to have a relationship where you can't say what you mean, but that's been a lot of my relationships and I've been trying to work on it.

[Stadler]

I hate to say this, but I feel like this is going to fizzle soon, maybe partially thanks to my big mouth. But the sooner the better if he can't handle the person I am, I suppose.

So this isn't exclusive to guys . I've had to learn first hand that same lesson, and it's soooo true. It's one thing to present the best version of yourself, but it does no one any good to try and be something you're not.

Amen. I should be able to drunkenly blurt embarrassing truths occasionally. It wouldn't be untrue to me to not constantly share such things, but if he gets upset when I do, meh.

I feel you on not being able to have a relationship where you can't say what you mean, but that's been a lot of my relationships and I've been trying to work on it.
[/quote]

Agree with all of this, except to note that there is a difference between being able to "say what you mean" and being able to "say whatever you want, how you want, when you want".    There's a great book called "The Five Languages of Love" or some dumb shit like that, and the essence is about pointing out that HOW you say something is often more important than what you say.   

For me, the former is required, the latter is sort of a pipe dream in reality.  That said, it sounds like he could be a lot more tolerant. 

[cramx3]

For me, depending on what you said, I could feel awkward in that situation.  Like if I didn't know the people in the room and the girl I was dating told a ridiculous sex story and if I really did have genuine feelings for you, I could see myself feeling awkward.

The thing is though, you seem pretty open about who you are and he should know and understand that.  You've been seeing him for enough time to have an understanding of you.  If he didn't "dig" it then what is HE doing?  He isn't going to be able to change you and shouldn't want to change you, if he isn't comfortable with the way you are then why is he spending his time with you?  For sex I am guessing?  Makes sense if he is always just trying to get you to come over.  If you are feeling it fizzle and he is feeling awkward and not digging it, then I guess it is time to move on.

[Stadler]

For me, depending on what you said, I could feel awkward in that situation.  Like if I didn't know the people in the room and the girl I was dating told a ridiculous sex story and if I really did have genuine feelings for you, I could see myself feeling awkward.

Even in her room?  I read it as if it was a get-together SHE was hosting. Presumably, she does know the people there even if he doesn't.   That to me makes it worse, that he would presume to tell her how to act in front of HER friends.   

[cramx3]

For me, depending on what you said, I could feel awkward in that situation.  Like if I didn't know the people in the room and the girl I was dating told a ridiculous sex story and if I really did have genuine feelings for you, I could see myself feeling awkward.

Even in her room?  I read it as if it was a get-together SHE was hosting. Presumably, she does know the people there even if he doesn't.   That to me makes it worse, that he would presume to tell her how to act in front of HER friends.   

No, what I mean is if I did not know the people in the room and I was not aware of Jackie's outgoing personality but had just started dating and depending on what was said, I could see myself feeling awkward.  Im not saying I would ever stop her or something.  Just saying how in a certain scenario I would feel awkward too, but her scenario is different and I wouldn't see myself getting awkward in her situation, just giving an example where that would make me feel awkward.  Im not sure where this takes place has any meaning though.

[Prog Snob]

He's well within his right to feel how he feels. However, if it's a problem for him then he needs to man up and say so instead of blowing it off like it's nothing. It seemed like he was perturbed by it and that's a worthy discussion. This is Jackie's personality so he needs to accept that about her or move on. Better to find out now than later how much he's willing to accept and deal with.

Just an FYI, I had a date Saturday night and I wasn't pleased. She clearly liked me much more than I liked her.

[cramx3]

Boo to the bad date, but at least she likes you so you did something right.

The more I think about Jackies situation, it just makes me think that guy isn't for you and maybe I am getting this wrong, but he is the guy that is looking for monogamous (but you told him you want polyamorous) , he wants you to always come to him, and then he got awkward when you acted like yourself.  Seems like maybe you need to move on or have a conversation about what you both are expecting here because there seems to be some passive aggressiveness.  For me, once that happens its all down hill.

[Prog Snob]

I don't mind someone who's outgoing. I need that in a woman because I'm introverted and socially awkward at times. But she was more like...

[cramx3]

 

I know what you mean, I look for a more outgoing female as well to counter my introvertness, but there is a point of too much. 

[Prog Snob]

She had really nice eyes though, and I'm a total sucker for that.  Someone just responded to me on OKCupid who seems like a geeky weirdo which is more up my alley, so I'm talking to her now.

[bout to crash]

, I know what you mean. In my case I'm always suspicious when a guy is that enthusiastic and complimentary and stuff. Like, either he's psycho or just trying to get into my pants.

The more I think about Jackies situation, it just makes me think that guy isn't for you and maybe I am getting this wrong, but he is the guy that is looking for monogamous (but you told him you want polyamorous) , he wants you to always come to him, and then he got awkward when you acted like yourself.  Seems like maybe you need to move on or have a conversation about what you both are expecting here because there seems to be some passive aggressiveness.  For me, once that happens its all down hill.

Yes, this is that same guy who said we have an expiration date because we are looking for different things. It's possible that date is nearing.
Maybe this is another one of those situations where I'm letting my physical attraction to him/pheromones get in the way of my common sense. I mean, when we are actually hanging out I really enjoy his company (though the sex can often be a bit...formulaic) and we have a good time. But his laziness has been a bit of a bummer, and this whole awkward ordeal has left me questioning things for sure. I guess we'll see if he wants to make plans this weekend, and if he does whether things continue to feel awkward. It might also be worth having a conversation about whether this is still working when I see him, but I'm so bad at initiating those.

Thanks to you all for your input, I do appreciate it 

Meanwhile, I sorta fell off OKC for a while but an intriguing guy reached out to me so I decided to bite. Metal guitarist and yoga instructor! Sure, why not?

[Prog Snob]

, I know what you mean. In my case I'm always suspicious when a guy is that enthusiastic and complimentary and stuff. Like, either he's psycho or just trying to get into my pants.


Meanwhile, I sorta fell off OKC for a while but an intriguing guy reached out to me so I decided to bite. Metal guitarist and yoga instructor! Sure, why not?

So picture Kerry King doing yoga?  Hmmmmm   

[cramx3]

lol seems like an interesting mix

As for my personal situation, I have no idea what to think anymore.  I think my last update I said I was probably done with the Brooklyn girl and the other girl had failed to meet up a couple times.  Been wanting to type something out, but been really busy at work today.  Anyway,

Well last weekend I was a bit too partied out from new years and miami that I just wanted to chill in and keep it simple, the Brooklyn girl was texting and decided what the hell, Ill see if she wants to chill... and she did.  We just hung out, but I thought we got along well.  The kissing was still poor IMO, but overall I enjoyed our time together more so than the past couple times.  The next night we ended up hanging out again, pretty random to see a new girl on back to back nights for me, but I went with the flow.  Another fun time together.  Our kissing was still not great, but we had a much better make out session this time and I was ready to go if you know what I mean, but she didn't really act or do anything to make me feel like she felt the same.  She didn't stop me from touching and whatnot, but I wasn't getting the feedback so eventually I stopped, it got late, and she went home.  After she got home we were texting and I figured I need to bring it up so I asked Why she doesn't kiss with tongue and that I was interested in having sex but I couldn't read her again (which I brought up the night before) and her lack of response (she responded to the kissing and didnt stop me, but never made any of her own moves) made me think she was not interested in that and I told her I was not looking to make it awkward.  So  She responded saying she just hasn't been sexually active in awhile and she was enjoying our hook up, she also said she doesn't like tongue.  I guess that could explain things, although I never heard of a girl who doesn't like to kiss with tongue.  She then responded with lots of tongue emojis.  So I think she is a cool girl and I like spending time with her, but if there isn't going to be any sexual interest from her part then it's not going to work for me.  I'd like to think I can deal with her being inexperienced, but at some point it is going to cause me to lose interest if we don't get working on something.  I think that may sound like I just want sex, but that's not true.  But I need to be able to have sex and enjoy it before I can move on with someone, this is a road block for me.  Sex doesn't need to be now or anything, its been like 4 dates, but the kissing needs to be better and I need to feel like I am not the only one trying in that regard.

As for the girl who ditched me twice, well she asked me if I wanted to meet up with her and friends at a bar to watch football.  I thought that was a bit odd to meet a girl for the first time and also hang with her friends.  I am not the most socially outgoing person so I really didn't like the idea of doing this, but I was pretty sure this wasn't going to happen so I played along, said sure let me know when.  Around the time she had said, then came the excuse as expected.  So late last night I just figured let me get this over with and call her out.... asked her if she had any interest in me.  She said yes, I said it doesn't seem like it.  I don't like getting blown up, I value my time, I am not interested in chatting forever (been over three weeks at this point and in my head I tell myself Ive gone to LA, Miami, enjoyed the holidays, got sick, recovered, AND MET TWO OTHER GIRLS since we started talking so I can't imagine an excuse).  Well she said she understood and offered to hang out tomorrow night.  I said sure, but I am skeptical.  If it's cancelled I am done with her.

Then meanwhile a girl I dated last year has been chatting with me again, said shes been thinking about me.  I dont know what to think about that, but Ive been chatting back.  She is a nice girl and we just didn't feel a connection last year so things faded out, but Im not sure if there will be something this time.  She nor I have made any attempts to hang out again.

And then there's the girl I just ended things with and we've been friendly chatting.  She started telling me her problems with trying to find a guy now and some asshole on okcupid was trying to get with her and then when she denied him, he said some nasty things.  Not sure what the point of this conversation was, for sympathy? for jealousy? For legit friendly conversation?  No idea.  I went with the flow and would like to be friendly so we shall see with that.

Anyway, sorry for the long post.

[Prog Snob]

lol seems like an interesting mix

As for my personal situation, I have no idea what to think anymore.  I think my last update I said I was probably done with the Brooklyn girl and the other girl had failed to meet up a couple times.  Been wanting to type something out, but been really busy at work today.  Anyway,

Well last weekend I was a bit too partied out from new years and miami that I just wanted to chill in and keep it simple, the Brooklyn girl was texting and decided what the hell, Ill see if she wants to chill... and she did.  We just hung out, but I thought we got along well.  The kissing was still poor IMO, but overall I enjoyed our time together more so than the past couple times.  The next night we ended up hanging out again, pretty random to see a new girl on back to back nights for me, but I went with the flow.  Another fun time together.  Our kissing was still not great, but we had a much better make out session this time and I was ready to go if you know what I mean, but she didn't really act or do anything to make me feel like she felt the same.  She didn't stop me from touching and whatnot, but I wasn't getting the feedback so eventually I stopped, it got late, and she went home.  After she got home we were texting and I figured I need to bring it up so I asked Why she doesn't kiss with tongue and that I was interested in having sex but I couldn't read her again (which I brought up the night before) and her lack of response (she responded to the kissing and didnt stop me, but never made any of her own moves) made me think she was not interested in that and I told her I was not looking to make it awkward.  So  She responded saying she just hasn't been sexually active in awhile and she was enjoying our hook up, she also said she doesn't like tongue.  I guess that could explain things, although I never heard of a girl who doesn't like to kiss with tongue.  She then responded with lots of tongue emojis.  So I think she is a cool girl and I like spending time with her, but if there isn't going to be any sexual interest from her part then it's not going to work for me.  I'd like to think I can deal with her being inexperienced, but at some point it is going to cause me to lose interest if we don't get working on something.  I think that may sound like I just want sex, but that's not true.  But I need to be able to have sex and enjoy it before I can move on with someone, this is a road block for me.  Sex doesn't need to be now or anything, its been like 4 dates, but the kissing needs to be better and I need to feel like I am not the only one trying in that regard.

As for the girl who ditched me twice, well she asked me if I wanted to meet up with her and friends at a bar to watch football.  I thought that was a bit odd to meet a girl for the first time and also hang with her friends.  I am not the most socially outgoing person so I really didn't like the idea of doing this, but I was pretty sure this wasn't going to happen so I played along, said sure let me know when.  Around the time she had said, then came the excuse as expected.  So late last night I just figured let me get this over with and call her out.... asked her if she had any interest in me.  She said yes, I said it doesn't seem like it.  I don't like getting blown up, I value my time, I am not interested in chatting forever (been over three weeks at this point and in my head I tell myself Ive gone to LA, Miami, enjoyed the holidays, got sick, recovered, AND MET TWO OTHER GIRLS since we started talking so I can't imagine an excuse).  Well she said she understood and offered to hang out tomorrow night.  I said sure, but I am skeptical.  If it's cancelled I am done with her.

Then meanwhile a girl I dated last year has been chatting with me again, said shes been thinking about me.  I dont know what to think about that, but Ive been chatting back.  She is a nice girl and we just didn't feel a connection last year so things faded out, but Im not sure if there will be something this time.  She nor I have made any attempts to hang out again.

And then there's the girl I just ended things with and we've been friendly chatting.  She started telling me her problems with trying to find a guy now and some asshole on okcupid was trying to get with her and then when she denied him, he said some nasty things.  Not sure what the point of this conversation was, for sympathy? for jealousy? For legit friendly conversation?  No idea.  I went with the flow and would like to be friendly so we shall see with that.

Anyway, sorry for the long post.

Lets see...

Bad kisser girl - I would have a hard time with a girl who was a bad kisser, but that's just me. I need to feel that. I'd rather her be inexperienced sexually than a bad kisser. I'd say give her the benefit of the doubt if it was JUST the sex issue, but with both things I'd probably move on. Again, that's just me.

Ditchy girl - Give her one more chance. I mean, she's lucky to be getting an extra chance. She needs to explain why she's ditched you those other times. Maybe it's something really awkward for her and she has social anxieties? I don't know. Whatever it is, an explanation is deserved.

Thinking girl - See what happens. Don't drag it out though. It's like slowly pulling duct tape off a submissive.

Hindsight girl - You're the nice guy she's going back to after some asshole treated her like a piece of meat.

[cramx3]

Yea, the bad kiss is a turn off.  A big one.  But she is really cool and I enjoy hanging out with her.  I definitely wouldn't of devoted a Friday AND Saturday if I wasn't having fun with her.  It's hard for me to ditch her because she is fun and I like chilling with her, we "click" in many ways. 

Im not even sure the ditchy girl will give me an explanation.  The only reason I am still interested is because she felt like a really down to earth girl, someone I could relate to in many ways, and honestly I find her very attractive.  All of this means nothing if she won't meet up, but tomorrow is do or die.

As for hindsight girl, it was me who ended it so its not like she has a regret for ending it or something.  But, we got our tickets for Epica in a few weeks so we will be chilling that night so I guess I'll have a better idea of how we will get along then.

[Prog Snob]

That's the show at Starland Ballroom?

[cramx3]

That's the show at Starland Ballroom?

I wish it were that close to me, its at Irving Plaza in the city.

[Prog Snob]

That's the show at Starland Ballroom?

I wish it were that close to me, its at Irving Plaza in the city.

You couldn't get tickets for the Starland show? 

[cramx3]

That's the show at Starland Ballroom?

I wish it were that close to me, its at Irving Plaza in the city.

You couldn't get tickets for the Starland show?

They are not playing at Starland. Unless I am missing something.  I definitely would have gone there if they were playing.

[Prog Snob]

I was thinking of Nightwish. My mistake. Maybe I'll go to Irving Plaza then. I'm sure they aren't sold out yet.

[cramx3]

I was thinking of Nightwish. My mistake. Maybe I'll go to Irving Plaza then. I'm sure they aren't sold out yet.

Doubt its sold out or will sell out, but I will also be at NW at Starland, looking forward to that one very much.  Begins my stretch of seeing my three favorite bands in three consecutive months, NW in Feb, Iron Maiden in March, then DT in April.  So pumped for this string of concerts, add in Epica in january and thats four months of good times coming up.  Funny, this chick also has tickets for NW and wants to go to DT.

[Prog Snob]

That would be cool if it worked out, or even if you just wound up as friends. Keep an eye on that one and try and read the situation.

If I go to Epica, I'll probably just stay in Brooklyn until showtime and then head into Manhattan instead of going all the way home just to come back. I might even crash at my job instead of going home after the show, especially if I have a few drinks.

I'd love to see Nightwish also but we'll see. Epica comes first. Queensryche is playing Starland also but I've seen them a few times already.

[bout to crash]

So yeah, the situation with bad kisser girl sounds weird. If she's not really responding sexually, that's a bit strange.

Like John said, maybe one more chance for the flake but that's IT. I probably would've given up at this point, to be honest. Like you pointed out, you've done all this shit and she hasn't even been able to free up one night for you. Screw that.

[Prog Snob]

I love that you're both using the pseudonyms I gave the girls. 

[Stadler]

I think I said this before, but I met a cool girl when I was single, very pretty face (though heavy, but that's not a deal-breaker for me), VERY smart, into cool music, doesn't mind throwing back a bottle of wine now and again, but we kissed and... it was a total zero.  In theory I could muster up desire for her (meaning, when I was thinking about her when we were apart) but when we got together there was just zero sexual chemistry, and she just wasn't there as a kisser (her problem was the opposite:  all tongue all the time).    She's sort of my version of your "cool girl" that you're going to the concert with. 

[cramx3]

Yea I get it.  I've talked about how important a good kisser is before and this is really my first experience of cool girl bad kisser.  I told her upfront how I felt about it, Im willing to give another shot and see if anything has improved in this area.  I should say that it's not like I don't enjoy kissing her, I mean it still got me turned on, but without tongue it feels less passionate.  She said she is inexperienced, I told her how I feel, her response will dictate the future of this.

Yes, I should have given up on the canceling chick, but tonight is the final night.  We are texting now, she was also given an upfront response about her cancellations so I am willing to see how she responds tonight. 

[Prog Snob]

Keep us posted. I'm curious to see what she does.

[cramx3]

Keep us posted. I'm curious to see what she does.

Texted her a few times and we got a time and place, but I definitely feel like something is going to come up.  I don't feel good about it at all, I worked 16 hours yesterday, she already asked if I was too tired and if i wanted to reschedule till tomorrow... nope I aint tired.

[bout to crash]

Yeah sounds like she's already looking for an out. Bad sign but we shall see!

[Prog Snob]

Keep us posted. I'm curious to see what she does.

Texted her a few times and we got a time and place, but I definitely feel like something is going to come up.  I don't feel good about it at all, I worked 16 hours yesterday, she already asked if I was too tired and if i wanted to reschedule till tomorrow... nope I aint tired.

Take no shit, my friend. Do or die, tonight. A bit melodramatic on my part, but you get the point. 

[cramx3]

Keep us posted. I'm curious to see what she does.

Texted her a few times and we got a time and place, but I definitely feel like something is going to come up.  I don't feel good about it at all, I worked 16 hours yesterday, she already asked if I was too tired and if i wanted to reschedule till tomorrow... nope I aint tired.

Take no shit, my friend. Do or die, tonight. A bit melodramatic on my part, but you get the point. 

I literally typed out "its do or die bitch" but deleted it thinking it was too much 

[Prog Snob]

It must be that NJ/Staten Island air.