Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[cramx3]

I've been reflecting on my current situation and realizing how  much better I do in a non-monogamous lifestyle, as well as doing the mostly-solo thing. I feel like putting all of your eggs in one basket, so to speak, can lead to a lot of issues and resentment. There's really no way one person can have every single quality you love, or share all of your interests, etc. Also, you rely on people too much and they often disappoint or hurt you. I realize this is wounded me talking, but it's still true. I don't ever want to feel like I NEED another person to be happy, or to rely too heavily on them. I just did not like the person I was in monogamous relationships, nor do I particularly like the person I am when I get heavily involved with somebody else. I don't want dependence or codependency. If this means feeling a bit lonely sometimes, I can deal with that. I feel like I've been lonely all my life, really.

I see a lot of myself in this, specifically the "this is the wounded me talking".  I feel like when I start to date and like someone, the wounded me comes out and wants to run away from commitment.  For exactly the same reasons, heartbreak and changing of yourself.  I've always been a loner as well, easily the odd one in the family, easily the odd one in my friends, the guy who marches to the beat of his own drum.  The only difference is that inside, I would LOVE to find that right person for a monogamous relationship.  I think my wounds have just left me to be ultra picky now.  I almost always the one who ends things now, I am always the one who finds something wrong and I can't get it out of my mind and then question is it really something wrong with them or something wrong with me?  I believe it's possible to find that person and not have to change who you are, not have to change your lifestyle, someone who just fits in with you and who is a great person and one that you can love.  Just got to find that person somewhere.

Sacul, keep trying and can't let the non response stop you.  If I had to put a ratio on responses I would say I only get 1 response for every 15 messages on okcupid.  Out of the responses I would say 1 out of 5 actually lead to a legit convo and something more.  The odds are low is my point, got to keep at it and keep trying.  Even with Tinder where you actually both "like" each other I still get non responses. Whatever, it's part of the game and you got to keep playing if you want to win.

What's going on with the Brooklyn girl?

Still talking,might see her today.  My date from Wednesday cancelled on me the night before so I ended up hanging with this girl instead.  We just watched TV, nothing worthy of mentioning really.  I really do want to meet this other girl though.  She seems like the most well rounded person I have talked to (has a job, funny, pretty, a social life, good family, pets) just got to get a settled date.  Normally a cancelled first date for me is grounds for stopping the communication, but she had a legit reason and I didn't feel like she was toying with me.  It has been almost 3 weeks of chatting though so I want to get the meeting over with, maybe this week.

There was also a third girl from Tinder that I met recently, just had a drink or two and chatted.  Very cute girl and very nice and sincere.  However, she doesn't seem to be my type, we are still talking and I'd like to meet her again because shes a really nice lady and all.  But she is low on my priorities right now.

A big topic of discussion during Christmas dinner with the family was tinder and how changing my picture helped me lol

[Prog Snob]

Still talking,might see her today.  My date from Wednesday cancelled on me the night before so I ended up hanging with this girl instead.  We just watched TV, nothing worthy of mentioning really.  I really do want to meet this other girl though.  She seems like the most well rounded person I have talked to (has a job, funny, pretty, a social life, good family, pets) just got to get a settled date.  Normally a cancelled first date for me is grounds for stopping the communication, but she had a legit reason and I didn't feel like she was toying with me.  It has been almost 3 weeks of chatting though so I want to get the meeting over with, maybe this week.

There was also a third girl from Tinder that I met recently, just had a drink or two and chatted.  Very cute girl and very nice and sincere.  However, she doesn't seem to be my type, we are still talking and I'd like to meet her again because shes a really nice lady and all.  But she is low on my priorities right now.

A big topic of discussion during Christmas dinner with the family was tinder and how changing my picture helped me lol

My family tends to tread lightly with the relationship issue because of what happened with the ex-girlfriend. All I know was that my mother asked me to stop putting up depressing Facebook status updates because she said my aunt was in tears one day out of concern for me. I didn't really think anyone payed attention to them so I stopped posting them.

I have a handful of Tinder matches so we'll see what happens with that. I'm still talking to this girl from Brooklyn and she's really really looking forward to meeting me. She just asked me what a Prog Snob is.     She's apparently extremely musical and can play piano, the flute, and sing. She just might appreciate a band like Dream Theater. She's a big fan of rock, among other genres.

OKCupid seems to be working better for me lately after I changed my write-up. I went from getting one or two likes every couple of days to 33 in the past two days.

[cramx3]

Nice, funny how that works

[Prog Snob]

We'll see if it proves to be fruitful.

[bout to crash]

Cool John, good luck with that!

I see a lot of myself in this, specifically the "this is the wounded me talking".  I feel like when I start to date and like someone, the wounded me comes out and wants to run away from commitment.  For exactly the same reasons, heartbreak and changing of yourself.  I've always been a loner as well, easily the odd one in the family, easily the odd one in my friends, the guy who marches to the beat of his own drum.  The only difference is that inside, I would LOVE to find that right person for a monogamous relationship.  I think my wounds have just left me to be ultra picky now.  I almost always the one who ends things now, I am always the one who finds something wrong and I can't get it out of my mind and then question is it really something wrong with them or something wrong with me?  I believe it's possible to find that person and not have to change who you are, not have to change your lifestyle, someone who just fits in with you and who is a great person and one that you can love.  Just got to find that person somewhere.

Yep, this sounds very much like me other than the one person thing. We all have wounds and baggage and it manifests differently for everybody.

"Self-aware, and its a burden.
Forever crippled by my tendencies."
-Myles Kennedy

It's interesting that you brought that up. I was thinking about your guy friend, and how you feel he'll move on to someone else if they're monogomous. I wondered if you were simply trying to fit the mold of polyamorism, and if you're ignoring the idea that you might be happy in a committed monogamous relationship. Your words also make it seem like you might be holding onto one idea for fear of being hurt. If you know yourself, and what monogomy does to who you are, then that's fair. I guess I'm just wondering if you would consider monogomy if the situation felt right?

Being lonely sucks. At one point, it was more important that I be alone and become content with myself and who I am. While that was necessary, it didn't change the fact that I was lonely. It's important to not NEED someone else for your happiness. But it's also important to not deny or ignore the idea that happiness could be greater if you have someone to share it with. We all (well, most of us) change as we get older. Yeah, I'm thinking about the future and who I can share my life with. But, for right now at least, I'm starting to think I might be looking for something other than potentially serious. What I want in the long run and what I need right now can be different.

True that.
Obviously being alone and lonely are different. I've always been a bit of a loner and I'm mostly fine with that, but I do get little spurts of loneliness. I don't think any relationship could "fix" that, it's just me.
 I guess I should clarify: I know my baggage impacts me in the sense that I don't always want to get too close, that kind of thing. But the monogamy is a separate issue. It's something I've been questioning since college and grad school. When I ended up cheating on a guy, I knew I couldn't put myself in that position anymore and so I haven't. That was a bit over four years ago. I do fine in a monogamous relationship for a while, then the honeymoon phase ends.

[King Postwhore]

The best way to really find "that" relationship is not to look for it.  Enjoy was you do and if it happens it hsppens.  Like John talked about Facebook it doesn't help you or other to wallow. 

Enjoy the moment,  whether it's with someone, with your child or the freedom of no relationship.

[Sacul]

Sacul, there's always the option that they're super busy with the holidays and whatnot. Of course it's possible you're just not their cup of tea, but I would not blame what you said- it doesn't sound like you were too direct or said anything out of line- those were reasonable conversation starters!

Thanks! I was afraid I sounded creepy or something for a moment 

Sacul, keep trying and can't let the non response stop you.  If I had to put a ratio on responses I would say I only get 1 response for every 15 messages on okcupid.  Out of the responses I would say 1 out of 5 actually lead to a legit convo and something more.  The odds are low is my point, got to keep at it and keep trying.  Even with Tinder where you actually both "like" each other I still get non responses. Whatever, it's part of the game and you got to keep playing if you want to win.

Oh that's great to know - makes me feel relieved. Nice to have the opinion of an experienced person on this, thanks!


There aren't many girls in my area that use these sites and apps so I don't have many options in that way. Since going to parties and such is not an option for me, maybe joining book clubs and sports teams would help me find, at least, interesting people. Anyways, thanks for the help folks 

[cramx3]

There aren't many girls in my area that use these sites and apps so I don't have many options in that way. Since going to parties and such is not an option for me, maybe joining book clubs and sports teams would help me find, at least, interesting people. Anyways, thanks for the help folks 

Those are great ideas.  Had a date with the Brooklyn girl tonight.  I think that's not going anywhere, not a good kisser and just doesn't seem to be any spark.

[bout to crash]

Bleh, don't waste your time. Bad kissers are bad news.

[TioJorge]

True knockin'.

You know what I always say...

Fool me with a bad kiss, shame on me.
Fool me with a bad fuck, shame on me still.

[Stadler]

I just did not like the person I was in monogamous relationships, nor do I particularly like the person I am when I get heavily involved with somebody else.

This is the part that really resonated with me.  I'm speaking philosophically, but I don't think that is exclusive to "monogamy" or "not monogamy".  I know for me, coming out of a 15 year marriage that ended badly for me, that my one focus was to be authentic.  I know that's sort of a hipster word, but it's accurate.  I just wanted to be able, at any time of any day, take a minute, ask myself, am I being the "me" that I want to be and that I know I can be and be able to say "YES!".   Doesn't mean I like myself all the time, but that's for therapy, and there are certainly things I've tried to change for the better since my marriage ended.  It means that I am not denying feelings, I am not "playing" at being someone I'm not, and I'm not making inordinate sacrifices that in a better environment I wouldn't have to make (or that are against my better instincts).   

I suppose said another way, I mean that as long as it works for us (which is half the battle) and as long as we are being honest in whether it is REALLY working for us (which is the other half), then that's pretty much it in a nutshell right there.   Easier said than done, but there you go. 

[bout to crash]

Yeah, I see what you're saying. Honestly, this has been working for me or some time now. I feel like I'm being true to myself. Spurts of loneliness, sure, but again that would happen regardless of relationship situation. Spurts of thinking I could be happy doing things the "normal" way? Sure, but that's only due to a grass is greener idea. We're not all wired the same way, is what I keep reminding myself.

[cramx3]

We're not all wired the same way, is what I keep reminding myself.

I tell myself that everyday, as I go off to Miami on my own lonely adventure completely randomly.  which wierded out the Brooklyn girl when I made and told her those plans yesterday.

[bout to crash]

I've noticed a lot of people are uncomfortable with the idea of doing stuff alone. Not that you should be concerned, but that would be just a bit of a red flag to me if someone I want to date doesn't understand my taking a trip or doing something else solo. That's a big part of who I am and how I roll, and sometimes not understanding that can indicate insecurity. We all have 'em, though...

[cramx3]

I've noticed a lot of people are uncomfortable with the idea of doing stuff alone. Not that you should be concerned, but that would be just a bit of a red flag to me if someone I want to date doesn't understand my taking a trip or doing something else solo. That's a big part of who I am and how I roll, and sometimes not understanding that can indicate insecurity. We all have 'em, though...

That's cool you understand, but I can kind of relate to the person who would find it odd.  Before I started traveling solo for work, I would have never done this, my whole family thinks I am odd and honestly I find it slightly odd, only in because I feel like it's judged as odd I think.  Either way, anyone who knows me well enough is past the "that's odd" when it comes to me, but someone like a girl I am just talking to and meeting, I can see it.  It does turn me off though, like if you are uncomfortable then it's clearly not going to work.  Like you mentioned earlier and I responded to, we are both loners in a way so we kind of get it, but if someone else doesn't get it, I don't care, you just aren't for me.  This girl is definitely not for me as I am finding out now (bad kisser and just not seeing much of a connection).  Of the other two girls I am talking to, one took it well and was really excited for me, the other was like half/half based on how I viewed her tms regarding it.  Oh well.  Can't wait to hit the beach and relax tomorrow now that I am here. 

[bout to crash]

Fuck yeah the beach. And yeah, bad kisser plus doesn't get your loner tendencies, meh. But the other two may have hope

I have gotten a few messages on OKC but I'm honestly really not interested in meeting anybody else right now. He or she would have to really get my attention.

[Prog Snob]

This one isn't going to last much longer. I'm going with my gut this time, and not staying with someone just for the sake of it. I give it a couple of more days.

[Stadler]

I've noticed a lot of people are uncomfortable with the idea of doing stuff alone. Not that you should be concerned, but that would be just a bit of a red flag to me if someone I want to date doesn't understand my taking a trip or doing something else solo. That's a big part of who I am and how I roll, and sometimes not understanding that can indicate insecurity. We all have 'em, though...

This was a big thing (in a good way) with my wife.  I actually PREFER going to concerts alone.  I have a couple beers, chill and watch what I want to watch. If I want to walk down closer, I can, or if I want to move somewhere else, I can.   I saw the Winery Dogs this past month, and got to be 4 feet from Billy Sheehan and just chilled for two hours with a couple beers and was completely at peace. Didn't have to worry about "whether she's enjoying it" or "whether anyone has to go to the can" or anything like that.   I used to travel a lot, so I enjoy going to eat by myself as well.   Go sit at the bar, eat, do a crossword or read my magazine...  very relaxing.  Then back to being social!! 

[cramx3]

Well when one person loves something and the other does not (going to rock concerts) then it's probably best to go alone.  I dragged my x to a DT concert in Philly and she was so miserable that it made the concert less fun and that was the first time I ever saw DT.

Finally, I think, scored a legit date with the girl I have been chatting with from Tinder for three weeks now.  Tomorrow, about two hours after I hope to get home tomorrow afternoon.

[Prog Snob]

Well when one person loves something and the other does not (going to rock concerts) then it's probably best to go alone.  I dragged my x to a DT concert in Philly and she was so miserable that it made the concert less fun and that was the first time I ever saw DT.

Finally, I think, scored a legit date with the girl I have been chatting with from Tinder for three weeks now.  Tomorrow, about two hours after I hope to get home tomorrow afternoon.

That's great. Good luck!

[bout to crash]

Awesome news!

I had a sort-of movie date tonight (also dinner at a yummy cheese spot) with the lady I've been seeing which was nice but didn't last past the movie because I'm recovering from a cold.

In other news, I'm a bit irritated with that one guy I've been spending most of my time with because he's way more of a homebody than I realized and he always wants me to come up to his place, as I think I mentioned before. He does come down here, but is less willing to do so. He said something about me coming over tonight (again, out of my work territory so not practical) and I said no, and that hey, he could come down here too. He said "But I have to work tomorrow." Yeah, so do I, and several hours earlier than he does. Wtf? Then he said he was free Friday night and I said he could come down here. He said he was actually hoping he could sweet talk me into coming to his place. I was just there on Saturday! I feel like trying to switch off is only fair in this type of situation. So I finally got annoyed and when he suggested I come up there I said "Probably not. As it turns out, it's just as inconvenient for me to come up to your place ; )"
He did acknowledge that. I tried to lighten things up by suggesting we go to some breweries near me that we've been talking about, and he just said "It's a possibility." Whatever, dude I'm not going to be the one making all the effort. If he doesn't want to come down I will make other plans.

[cramx3]

Good. It needs to be two ways.  I like the way you worded it too, not being a dick about it but being blunt enough for him to get the point.  "As it turns out..." 

[Prog Snob]

Awesome news!

I had a sort-of movie date tonight (also dinner at a yummy cheese spot) with the lady I've been seeing which was nice but didn't last past the movie because I'm recovering from a cold.

In other news, I'm a bit irritated with that one guy I've been spending most of my time with because he's way more of a homebody than I realized and he always wants me to come up to his place, as I think I mentioned before. He does come down here, but is less willing to do so. He said something about me coming over tonight (again, out of my work territory so not practical) and I said no, and that hey, he could come down here too. He said "But I have to work tomorrow." Yeah, so do I, and several hours earlier than he does. Wtf? Then he said he was free Friday night and I said he could come down here. He said he was actually hoping he could sweet talk me into coming to his place. I was just there on Saturday! I feel like trying to switch off is only fair in this type of situation. So I finally got annoyed and when he suggested I come up there I said "Probably not. As it turns out, it's just as inconvenient for me to come up to your place ; )"
He did acknowledge that. I tried to lighten things up by suggesting we go to some breweries near me that we've been talking about, and he just said "It's a possibility." Whatever, dude I'm not going to be the one making all the effort. If he doesn't want to come down I will make other plans.

That's not right at all. It shouldn't be so one-sided.

[bout to crash]

Right. Again, it's not JUST me making the effort but more and more it seems like he wants me to. And when I suggested actually going OUT (vs sitting at home) the reception was lukewarm, which was a bit of a bummer. We can't always hang out on the couch.

Good. It needs to be two ways.  I like the way you worded it too, not being a dick about it but being blunt enough for him to get the point.  "As it turns out..." 

yeah, I felt like something needed to be said but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it/give him too much attitude. If I can keep it light, I will.

I never responded to the "It's a possibility" text, didn't really feel like I had much else to say last night.

[Prog Snob]

Right. Again, it's not JUST me making the effort but more and more it seems like he wants me to. And when I suggested actually going OUT (vs sitting at home) the reception was lukewarm, which was a bit of a bummer. We can't always hang out on the couch.

That's exactly what it seems like. He's becoming more and more content with just hanging around doing nothing. Light a fire under his ass or just eventually give him an ultimatum.

[cramx3]

So pissed, the girl cancelled on me.  Excuse was she didn't realize she was going to have to get so much work done (thought she was going to be done early) and now won't have time to bake food to bring to her friend's house tonight.  Oh well.  That's twice she cancelled and while both seem like legit reasons, both were also preventable if she actually cared about meeting.  I thought she had potential, but I'm going to back off.  If she actually is interested then it will show and it hasn't yet and I am not going to force it.

[bout to crash]

Yeahh, that's a lame excuse IMO. If she really wanted to see you she would make it work. Wait to see if she reaches out to make plans, and if she cancels on you again fuck that shit.

[bout to crash]

Soo maybe reading too much into this but I think I freaked this guy out tonight telling a sexual story to people at this gathering I hosted tonight. Long story, but I was not the only one who noticed the weirdness. We shall see.

[Prog Snob]

Did you talk to him about it, or did he say anything about it afterwards?

[sylvan]

We have no context regarding the story, but this sounds like it could be one of those humorous situations. From what I can tell, you're pretty open about things. What makes you think he was freaked out?

[bout to crash]

My friend said he made a surprised/uncomfortable face while I was talking (he was next to me and I was drunk so I did not see this) and he left shortly after. It felt abrupt, but he did have work in the morning. We've been texting today and it's felt a bit weird but not overly awkward. I'm not sure when I'll see him next due to schedules or if it will even still be relevant enough to bring up, but we shall see.
But yeah, I am very open about things and he knows this. I have told him sex-related stories before and it was fine. Maybe it was the mixed company or the nature of the story, which is kinda bad

[sylvan]

Maybe you could just ask him in text? Thinking that you have to talk about it face to face might be making it more serious than it really is. I didn't want to minimize you're situation by pointing out the humorous potential, but it just reminds me of a scene you might see in a comedy movie or sitcom  . It sounds like a good story  .

[bout to crash]

Oh you're right, it totally could be a moment in a sitcom or something. It's not super serious but I feel weird bringing it up via text because I can't read him that way, yknow? And now, like a day and a half later, it feels weird to bring up at all. But I dunno. I think it's probably fine, even if a bit awkward.
Last night he asked if I had plans. I told him I had dreamt during a nap that he had invited me over (because it had literally just happened before he texted me haha) but I had made last minute plans with a friend who had an extra ticket to something. He said "Well you're welcome to come over" and I said I'd (obviously) already made plans, but maybe would've if he had invited me over sooner. He said "it's an implied standing invitation!"
I was like dude, I'm not just inviting myself over to your house. That would be presumptuous, and mean even less effort on his part! I didnt say that last part to him, obviously. But now I'm not sure when I'll see him because he is working today and told me he'll be working 12 hour days at home on his days off from work this week (he and his roommates have a ridiculous number of cannabis plants in the basement and I guess they're harvesting and whatnot this week). Soo I guess we shall see.

[sylvan]

Well it sounds like a non issue. Maybe you can bring it up out of curiosity one night. If there's any sort of humor to it, it could be a funny little conversation starter. It just sounds like he's lazy about your relationship. But if people are going to classify something as casual, one can't be surprised when the other acts casually. That's just a general thought about casual relationships though, and not necessarily pertaining to your situation.

"Oh hey, I can't chill on my days off cuz I'm TOO busy trimming plants. I must CAN'T find the time." WTF? I know its tedious work, especially if you have a lot of plants, but come on!

[bout to crash]

They have FORTY plants. I couldn't believe it when he showed me the basement

(So I'm willing to let that slide as a reason for a week.)

Yeah, I see what you're saying on one hand. On the other, maybe it's a bit casual in that we aren't exclusive, but we do see a lot of each other. For people who live half an hour away and basically have opposite work schedules (since I'm doing the 9-5 and he's in retail),  we make it work generally at least weekly, which (to me at least) feels like a bit more than a casual commitment. He's always wanting me to come and sleep over, we text basically throughout the entire day, every day, etc. So I don't necessarily think it's the relationship, I think it's him. But the fact that we AREN'T exclusive makes it easier to brush things like that off, even if they do bother me.