Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[cramx3]

For me, I just don't have the time for someone who is going to be like that before we even meet.  In some ways I would be a bit curious to meet this person, just to see what she really is like, but that conversation would really be unnappealing to me.  "holding back" you never even met!  That's crazy if you ask me.  It wouldn't be worth my time to spend an evening with someone like that, but that's just me. 

Speaking of that scenario, I had been using tinder lately.  Since I decided I didn't want to continue with the girl I've been dating, I fired up the old tinder just to see what was out there.  Got a bunch of matches and talked to this one girl.  Discussions were cool, she is a lawyer and seems smart.  She was upfront with what she was looking for and said she was very serious.  So she asked me to meet up, I said sure cause why not.  She then didnt respond to a couple of my messages then the night before our scheduled meet up I message her again, saying "just wondering if we are still meeting up since you haven't responded to my other messages" and then come the apologies and the "yes lets meet up" and gives me an address for a starbucks.  I say is 8pm ok?  And she says no thats too late.  So she says 7pm, but I work until 6 and getting somewhere by 7 is not possible (takes an hour to get home, plus I can't control traffic or if I get stuck at work).  She says she wakes up early, I say how early and it turns out she wakes up after me.  So she says can I get there any earlier.  A girl who isn't going to respond and then going to effectively tell me her time is more important than mine is a no go.  I tried telling her I would do my best to get there closer to 7 but that wasnt good enough.  I said good luck out there.  It's just not worth my time to play these games with someone I haven't even met.  If she can't find the time to respond to a text and then determine that I should leave work early because she has to wake up early (yet not as early as me) shows little compromise.  I don't play these games.

I have a lot more patience and wiggle room for someone I have met and find that there is potential for something.

[Stadler]

For me, I just don't have the time for someone who is going to be like that before we even meet.  In some ways I would be a bit curious to meet this person, just to see what she really is like, but that conversation would really be unnappealing to me.  "holding back" you never even met!  That's crazy if you ask me.  It wouldn't be worth my time to spend an evening with someone like that, but that's just me. 

I totally get that; but my thought would also be, "did I do or say anything that might lead her to believe that"?  Conversations like that can be self-illuminating as well. 

[cramx3]

For me, I just don't have the time for someone who is going to be like that before we even meet.  In some ways I would be a bit curious to meet this person, just to see what she really is like, but that conversation would really be unnappealing to me.  "holding back" you never even met!  That's crazy if you ask me.  It wouldn't be worth my time to spend an evening with someone like that, but that's just me. 

I totally get that; but my thought would also be, "did I do or say anything that might lead her to believe that"?  Conversations like that can be self-illuminating as well.

Well of course I'd be questioning myself, I always do.  If I felt like I gave her that reason then there would be some blame on my shoulder and maybe if I thought the lady was cool enough in other regards than I would continue to try and fix my mistake, but from sylvans scenario and the way he describes it, just doesn't make me feel like there is a whole lot there to make it worth the effort.

From my situation I described, I was constantly questioning myself if I was too harsh after I told her I wasn't interested anymore.  I probably was a bit harsh, but I kept asking myself, why would I want to meet someone who won't compromise on a first date?  That's the timing when you should be the MOST compromising.  You are trying to see if things work at that stage and if its all "you" now, then its not going to ever be "us".

[Prog Snob]

I agree with Prog Snob, but I wouldn't bail yet.   I'm weird like that; I'm a curious cat, and I like to know what people are thinking.  I would go out with No. 1, go have a drink, and I would ask her point blank about the things she said.  "What makes her feel like I'm holding back?"    Who knows?  I've met enough people with walls - sometimes weird walls - that it would be fascinating for me.

Agreed. I would give her a chance, meet face-to-face, and from that decide. She might be more laid back in person. We don't know yet.

[bout to crash]

Lawyer sounds like a cunt; glad you're not wasting your time.

[sylvan]

I had my first date with Woman 2. It was one of those dates that's not overwhelming, but far from bad. Hard to put a word on it. Maybe it was just the first date dynamic. Apparently she signed up for match like a week before we started talking, so it was her first date with someone she met online. She seems perfectly nice and interesting, but I'm just not sure that spark is there.

It kinda makes me not wanna go out tomorrow. This shit is mentally exhausting. I think I'll make my date with Woman 1 just drinks or whatever. Maybe I'll go in even more care free cuz I just don't wanna waste any time.

[Stadler]

I know I'm weird, but after the first moment of the meeting (which is always weird) and sometimes at the end (to kiss or not to kiss, that is the question), I enjoyed dating very much.  I don't usually dislike someone so much I can't even be around them, and if I block out an evening for a woman, I can't really call it a "waste of time" because I've already mentally "spent" the time, you know?  So I try to find something that interests me, even if they don't as a package, and amuse myself for a couple hours over drinks.   The only downside to that is that it sometimes leads to false impressions on their part.  I do have to have the "let's be friends" talk more than I'd care to.

[sylvan]

That's kinda the predicament in my head now. Is there potential there for a spark? If not, I'd rather not give the impression that I'm looking for more. To be completely honest, I found that after meeting her I'm not that physically attracted to her. She's very nice looking, and by no means unattractive. I just didn't feel the attraction. I certainly don't place all emphasis on looks, but there has to be that physical spark. I've only had to be the one to not move forward once, and it weighed on me for like a week before I pulled the trigger. I usually would automatically be up for a second date with someone unless the first was sooo bad, cuz first dates can be nerveracking or stressful. I just don't feel like that was the case here.

I'm supposed to have Woman 2 tonight. I'm trying to be excited, I'm just tired and don't really wanna do anything stuffy, or even dinner for that matter. Maybe drinks and an appetizer somewhere. I just hope she can have fun conversation, cuz I don't really want it to feel serious. But, like you said, I blocked out a night and already put in the time. Let's see about a connection.

[cramx3]

So I finally had the conversation with the girl I've been seeing.  I just got back from LA and she kind of called me out on not making plans to see her so it just lead to me saying I didn't want to waste her time and she was a really awesome person and she took it really well. Said similar things as well and we both agreed to be friends and even may still go see epica in January (since the concert we wanted to go to got cancelled). I feel better now that I've had the conversation, but feel pretty upset that it ended even though I knew I needed to. Well I had tinder fired up and been chatting with a couple girls, we'll see what happens, but tinder never really worked for me.

[bout to crash]

Well I'm glad you had the talk with her finally!

Things have been going well with me and that dude. I reaaaally like him, which of course worries me a bit... especially considering the whole "we ultimately want different things" talk. It doesn't bother me that we do, but I'm afraid he will decide he doesn't want to carry on with me any longer because he wants to settle down with somebody or whatever. Not that it seems he's in a huge hurry to do that, but if somebody else monogamous comes along, I'm sure I'll be out of the picture. Of course I like to overanalyze, but trying to just enjoy it and not think too much about that stuff. It's all impermanent shit, anyway.

[Prog Snob]

So I'm back to no prospects. Unless, of course, you count the girl from Australia that I've been talking to.

[Sub Luna Vitrea]

i feel like my partner worships the ground i walk on and this is very tiresome

she's a great person for the most part, i just wish that once in a while she would acknowledge the fact that i have flaws, and very big ones at that. but i don't know how to tell her that, i just think this is something she should know, and if she doesn't then like... i dunno, i feel almost like that would be trying to make her be someone other than her, which is not what i like to do

i'm trying to help her discover herself in a way that does not involve me telling her who she is or how she should be

[Prog Snob]

i feel like my partner worships the ground i walk on and this is very tiresome

she's a great person for the most part, i just wish that once in a while she would acknowledge the fact that i have flaws, and very big ones at that. but i don't know how to tell her that, i just think this is something she should know, and if she doesn't then like... i dunno, i feel almost like that would be trying to make her be someone other than her, which is not what i like to do

i'm trying to help her discover herself in a way that does not involve me telling her who she is or how she should be

I can understand how that would be cumbersome. Someone could wind up getting hurt in that. Either she's in denial or just doesn't care because she hasn't been exposed to it enough. My last girlfriend was like that in the beginning. No matter what she used to think or feel, if I said something to the contrary, she would change her views on things. Eventually, things changed. They always do. The dream for my ex, and the one your girlfriend is in, disappears and reality sets in.

[cramx3]

So the girl I just ended things with ended up chatting with me yesterday in a friendly way, we both bought tickets for Epica in January and are going to go together as friends.  I really couldn't be any happier how this turned out for us.  I don't think I've ever had sex with someone and dated them and then turned around and was able to just be friends.  This girl is definitely cool enough that I think it might be possible and since I really do like her as a person and we have so much in common, I am just very happy to be able to still be friends.

Well as for actual dating, I met a girl from tinder over the weekend.  She lives in Brooklyn so it's not going to be easy to see each other, but I had a lot of fun.  Just met to grab a drink, but the place started getting really loud as it got later and we decided to leave and went back to my place.  We smoked some of the green stuff together and watched tv.  Just had a lot of fun with her, she is very funny and we clicked.  I put my arm around her as we watched TV and we kissed as the night ended, I almost never kiss on first dates.  Not a make out, but a couple kisses on the lips.  It was nice, we've been talking a lot and will try to meet up next week after Christmas. 

There is another tinder girl I've been chatting with, got a date with her on Wednesday.  She seems very down to earth and has a sense of humor, but otherwise our chats haven't been consistent so I guess I will find out what she is like when we meet. 

So I will add this, I changed my tinder picture to something less serious (it was just a smiling face shot) and to a shot of me from Vegas that I shared in the pic thread.  Well I guess the females like that a lot better as all of the sudden I've gotten more hits and also from more attractive girls lol.  The girl from this weekend, the girl for Wednesday, and another one I've been chatting with are all more attractive than the girls I have been dating over the course of the last year.  I have not had an issue with anyone's looks or anything, this point was just to show how crazy it is and how much your picture matters.  I am so unphotogenic too, makes me thing about what could happen if I was better at taking pictures.

[Prog Snob]

You're actually having success with Tinder? I wrote that site off a while ago, but I'm glad to hear someone is doing well with it. Tinder is definitely about the photos - hands down. I started talking to a couple of women through there but lost interest. I feel like I go through phases with all of these dating sites. I might go a couple of weeks with nothing, then suddenly I'll have three or four women that I'm talking to. It's so bizarre. Right now, the only woman I've been talking to is someone from Australia - yes Australia. And no, it's not Blob in drag. *shudders* Chances of meeting are slim though she always says "even that we haven't met YET." Even though our feelings for each other mutual, one of us will have to back down soon because this can not end well if the feelings continue to grow. She's fucking amazing in every sense of the word, though it causes me to contemplate something. Is it easier to find comfort with someone long-distance because you don't ever have to worry about one of biggest relationship killers - not giving the other enough space?

[cramx3]

lol that may be too much space though.  I mean to each their own, but for me I don't think I'd even both with anything more than a friend in that scenario and in the rare case you go to Australia or she comes here then you can always meet and be friendly.  I just know for me, a long distance thing is not what I am looking for.  Been there, done that, not interested.  THe girl I met over the weekend is from Brooklyn and I am in Jersey, to me that is already too far away (not in miles, but in time to get to each other).  I've told her that flat out, but turns out her parents live in Staten Island and she spends a lot of time at home, sometimes entire weekends and that's not far from me (she said it took 20 minutes to get from her parents to my house).  We are already discussing how to meet up again, but it's tough and I'm not crazy about having to travel far to meet someone, but Australia is a totally different animal.

As for Tinder, I had no success before.  I fired it up because I felt like trying it again as I had been using okcupid and didn't feel like going back on there just yet.  It seems to be working for the moment for me.

[Prog Snob]

I agree. I'm going to have to slowly push myself away from the Aussie situation before either of us get in too deep (no pun intended).

I always wonder who some of these women are that you've message from OKC - I know you're on Tinder now. I've spoken to women from NJ, Brooklyn, Staten Island. I'm sure at some point we've messaged the same woman. 

[cramx3]

Well I havent talked to anyone on okcupid since I met the last girl back over the summer and since things were good I havent gone back to okcupid, even now Im satisfied with who I am talking to on tinder.  If your age range is 26-30 then it's possible we have talked to some of the same girls.  We are competing against each other lol

[TioJorge]

In this thread, Cram and Prog give each other STD's through their trees dabbling in the same forests.

[cramx3]

 

[Prog Snob]

Well I havent talked to anyone on okcupid since I met the last girl back over the summer and since things were good I havent gone back to okcupid, even now Im satisfied with who I am talking to on tinder.  If your age range is 26-30 then it's possible we have talked to some of the same girls.  We are competing against each other lol

25 is my bottom end. I started talking to a 22 year old once because she was really intellectually intriguing so the conversations were great. We wound up staying friends for a bit but she starting dating someone and he wouldn't let her talk to other guys... 

In this thread, Cram and Prog give each other STD's through their trees dabbling in the same forests.

 

[cramx3]

I talked to a couple low age 20 y/os when I first started dating and it was painfully difficult to have any sort of meaningful conversation so I set my bar to 25 minimum although I wouldn't be against a younger lady if we connected on some level, just have yet to see any reason that will happen so I just don't bother.  Of the girls I am talking to they are 26, 26, and 28.  The girl i just ended things with was 29.  Those ages seem to be better for me.  I'm also not against older, but I haven't even come close to conversing with someone older when I try.

[Prog Snob]

I've spoken to many women in their 40s, and late 30s, and I seem to have a better rapport with them than I do with the young nubiles. Like you alluded to, the younger they are, the lower the quality of conversation gets. Not that there aren't any exceptions in both directions.

[Stadler]

In this thread, Cram and Prog give each other STD's through their trees dabbling in the same forests.

That might rival "So there's this cone..." for epic forum tomfoolery and shenanigans. 

[Stadler]

Well I havent talked to anyone on okcupid since I met the last girl back over the summer and since things were good I havent gone back to okcupid, even now Im satisfied with who I am talking to on tinder.  If your age range is 26-30 then it's possible we have talked to some of the same girls.  We are competing against each other lol

25 is my bottom end. I started talking to a 22 year old once because she was really intellectually intriguing so the conversations were great. We wound up staying friends for a bit but she starting dating someone and he wouldn't let her talk to other guys... 

So she's dating a 16-year-old?   Dude, if all it takes is for her to 'talk to other guys' you're not all you thought you were.  Grow a sack and be a man for god's sake.   (And yes, I know I am talking to someone that isn't even on this forum, but you get where I'm going with this...).  The only time I would draw a line is if there is ONE particular guy, and he's not getting the message or respecting the relationship.  And even then, it's not out of "fear she's going to knock boots with him", but just the hassle of having someone always there with ulterior motives continually undermining everything we're doing.   

[cramx3]

Its funny how you say that.  My x was the jealous type, there would be no way that would fly if I were talking to another woman.  Even if I never had any intentions other than friendship, my x would get VERY jealous.  Its something thats in the back of my mind about how I am trying to stay friends with this girl.  Its totally possible because I don't have my x telling me I can't or being jealous that I'd hang with another girl.  I've been thinking how great that is the past couple days.  If any of these girls I am talking to become something more, something they will HAVE to be cool with is that I want to be friends with this other girl, she is just too cool to not be friends with and any new girl is going to have to accept that and trust me that I wouldn't do anything to ruin what I have.  I understand that feelings get in the way with these things, and who knows maybe I won't be friends with this girl, but it's a thought thats been running through my mind and you guys both touched on that point.

[Prog Snob]

Well I havent talked to anyone on okcupid since I met the last girl back over the summer and since things were good I havent gone back to okcupid, even now Im satisfied with who I am talking to on tinder.  If your age range is 26-30 then it's possible we have talked to some of the same girls.  We are competing against each other lol

25 is my bottom end. I started talking to a 22 year old once because she was really intellectually intriguing so the conversations were great. We wound up staying friends for a bit but she starting dating someone and he wouldn't let her talk to other guys... 

So she's dating a 16-year-old?   Dude, if all it takes is for her to 'talk to other guys' you're not all you thought you were.  Grow a sack and be a man for god's sake.   (And yes, I know I am talking to someone that isn't even on this forum, but you get where I'm going with this...).  The only time I would draw a line is if there is ONE particular guy, and he's not getting the message or respecting the relationship.  And even then, it's not out of "fear she's going to knock boots with him", but just the hassle of having someone always there with ulterior motives continually undermining everything we're doing.

I agree with you. There's obviously some insecurity in the both of them. Looking back, it was a good thing we stopped talking, good for me at least.

Its funny how you say that.  My x was the jealous type, there would be no way that would fly if I were talking to another woman.  Even if I never had any intentions other than friendship, my x would get VERY jealous.  Its something thats in the back of my mind about how I am trying to stay friends with this girl.  Its totally possible because I don't have my x telling me I can't or being jealous that I'd hang with another girl.  I've been thinking how great that is the past couple days.  If any of these girls I am talking to become something more, something they will HAVE to be cool with is that I want to be friends with this other girl, she is just too cool to not be friends with and any new girl is going to have to accept that and trust me that I wouldn't do anything to ruin what I have.  I understand that feelings get in the way with these things, and who knows maybe I won't be friends with this girl, but it's a thought thats been running through my mind and you guys both touched on that point.

I don't mind some jealousy. It's a perfectly rational reaction. When it becomes too much is when it crosses that line into possessiveness and control.

[cramx3]

Jealously is good in a way because you know the person cares about you, but bad when it doesn't allow you to be yourself.  I was the jealous one in a couple HS relationships, I ruined them.  I learned and adapted and my x was the jealous in my last relationship, I tried and told her how I know how it feels and told her there needs to be trust (I never cheated on her, never even came close).  One of the many reasons that did not work.

[Prog Snob]

I was the same way earlier on and it pushed quite a few potentials away. I'm so much more confident these days than I was back then.

[Prog Snob]

I started talking to somebody new Wednesday evening. She seems really sweet and is already curious about meeting me. She's heading to Florida to spend the holidays with her parents and won't be back until January 2nd, but she said the first thing she wants to do when she returns is see me. She told me she's worried about being able to hold my interest for that long without meeting. I told her not to worry about it. Lets just enjoy our conversations and everything will fall into place if it's meant to. I just hope she isn't too hasty and forcing something just for the sake of finding someone because she's frustrated with online dating. We shall see. We'll probably talk on the phone at some point before she returns.

[cramx3]

The holding interest part is what always gets me, but if she really seems like she wants to meet then I think you'll be ok.  I would imagine phone conversations helping that.  Being in the same time zone should help as well.


Also, Merry Christmas lonely hearts club!

[Sacul]

So... bad news 

Contacted 2 girls that seemed interesting, this Monday. The first one was on Tinder, apparently the only one that had like my profile () and who I had also liked. She had some nice pics that made me think she might be studying something related to the many arts; thus I sent a short message saying I thought her pics were intereting, and asked her if she was an arts student.

The second one is a girl I had found on OkCupid, with who I had 73% of match and seemed to regularly connect to the site. Again, I sent her a short message telling her I thought it was awesome she was writing a book (it says that on her profile), and asked her how it was going so far.

As of date, none of them have responded 

I think I maaaayy have been too direct. They seem to be fairly introvert girls, and maybe my approach wasn't the correct one - chances are I scared them away or something. Oh well. For some reason I feel calm. Writing and sending those texts was the hardest part, and after doing so, I felt relieved. Now, I don't really care if they answer me (would be great if they do so though), and I'll keep looking for chicks on other places. There are lots of girls our there so it's just a matter of time for me now

[Prog Snob]

Keep trying, Sacul. 

The holding interest part is what always gets me, but if she really seems like she wants to meet then I think you'll be ok.  I would imagine phone conversations helping that.  Being in the same time zone should help as well.

I see what you did there.   

What's going on with the Brooklyn girl?

[bout to crash]

Sacul, there's always the option that they're super busy with the holidays and whatnot. Of course it's possible you're just not their cup of tea, but I would not blame what you said- it doesn't sound like you were too direct or said anything out of line- those were reasonable conversation starters!

I've been reflecting on my current situation and realizing how  much better I do in a non-monogamous lifestyle, as well as doing the mostly-solo thing. I feel like putting all of your eggs in one basket, so to speak, can lead to a lot of issues and resentment. There's really no way one person can have every single quality you love, or share all of your interests, etc. Also, you rely on people too much and they often disappoint or hurt you. I realize this is wounded me talking, but it's still true. I don't ever want to feel like I NEED another person to be happy, or to rely too heavily on them. I just did not like the person I was in monogamous relationships, nor do I particularly like the person I am when I get heavily involved with somebody else. I don't want dependence or codependency. If this means feeling a bit lonely sometimes, I can deal with that. I feel like I've been lonely all my life, really.

[sylvan]

"Self-aware, and its a burden.
Forever crippled by my tendencies."
-Myles Kennedy

It's interesting that you brought that up. I was thinking about your guy friend, and how you feel he'll move on to someone else if they're monogomous. I wondered if you were simply trying to fit the mold of polyamorism, and if you're ignoring the idea that you might be happy in a committed monogamous relationship. Your words also make it seem like you might be holding onto one idea for fear of being hurt. If you know yourself, and what monogomy does to who you are, then that's fair. I guess I'm just wondering if you would consider monogomy if the situation felt right?

Being lonely sucks. At one point, it was more important that I be alone and become content with myself and who I am. While that was necessary, it didn't change the fact that I was lonely. It's important to not NEED someone else for your happiness. But it's also important to not deny or ignore the idea that happiness could be greater if you have someone to share it with. We all (well, most of us) change as we get older. Yeah, I'm thinking about the future and who I can share my life with. But, for right now at least, I'm starting to think I might be looking for something other than potentially serious. What I want in the long run and what I need right now can be different.