Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[bout to crash]

I'm not sure, kinda sounds like you've lost some momentum with her. That isn't a death sentence, but if you can't even figure out how to see each other now it's going to be rough.

Cram, as for your situation I don't blame you one bit. Yeah, it's selfish, but I'd feel the same way. Frankly she sounds like a hot mess, even if she is super cool. Somebody like that is cool to date for a while and then you realize that maybe it would be nice to be with somebody who has their shit together. If you're not madly in love, maybe not worth the effort. I've been there. I don't need a guy to support me or make a certain amount of money or anything like that, but at a certain point being 30 and not self-sufficient is decidedly unsexy.

John, awesome about the lady you met! Sounds promising.

And you're right about the white picket fence, but I think that kind of dull life is ultimately what this dude wants. *shrug*

[Prog Snob]

John, awesome about the lady you met! Sounds promising.

Thanks Jackie! We're going out Monday. I'm taking her to her favorite restaurant and it'll be my first time trying Vietnamese food.

It immediately made me think about that.  I wasn't even thinking about her taking advantage of me and I do not believe she is in anyway, but maybe if this continues then that is the path it leads too.  But regardless, I really am interested in someone who has a more stable life if I am going to commit myself to them.  It's easy to say you would support someone you love, but I do not love this girl and I am not sure I want to continue and possibly fall in love and then have her problems become mine.  Extremely selfish thought, but that is also easily my biggest fault, I am very selfish.

It is NOT selfish. There's nothing selfish about self-preservation. You need to put yourself first, hands down. You are no good to someone if you can't even get your own thoughts straight and figure out what truly makes you happy. Find someone who complements you best. The more time you spend on finding reasons to stay with someone, the less time you're investing on someone worth the struggle.

Only you can say, but from where I'm sitting, you are at a crossroads; it could be real concerns, it could just be cold feet.  Both are completely normal feelings, but have different solutions, and only you can figure that out.

Exactly!

I started talking to this woman like 6 weeks ago. The one who I thought bailed on me, but had family issues along with her busy schedule. We've been chatting occasionally waiting for her semester to end, which is this week. So hopefully we can go out sometime soon, but it's kinda weird to me. When I first started talking to her, I didn't get too deep cuz I wanted to talk face to face. Through all of this, the conversation has stayed pretty basic, no real depth. She has a really busy schedule, and our chats are sporadic at best, a lot of time between replies, from both of us. I'm trying to think about what I can do to kinda ramp up the excitement, for both of us, going into the first date. And I simply mean reasonable first date excitement. Also with the patience we've both shown, it would be cool if we hit it off in some way. I'm also nervous about not cutting it after all this time. She seems pretty easy to talk to. Any ideas?

Jackie's right on this. If you're forcing conversation and struggling to keep it interesting, it's not going to get any easier. I'd still say to go on the first date and maybe that will create a new spark. After that, the decision will be clearer.

[cramx3]

I already know my decision, I cannot be serious with this girl even as cool and as much fun as we have had together.  It's just a matter of when and how I let her know this.  I do not wish to lead her on or to drag this on only to make the ending worse, but in a way, there is nothing wrong with us at the moment.  She has not asked or made movements to make me believe she wants to be serious, the only reason I bring that up is because we have been dating for months now, enough time that I would have thought this conversation would come up.  Since I have my doubts, I have not wanted to bring this convo up.  Maybe she has her own doubts too and thats why she hasn't?  I do not know. 

[sylvan]

It's that much harder when there isn't an easy negative to pin it on. But at some point, emotions/feelings are kind of a big deal. At the least, you've been dating long enough to have this discussion. But it also sounds like there might not be much of a discussion, cuz you've already made your decision.

It's not like we're forcing discussion so much as I/we shifted into the "waiting" zone. I intentionally didn't dig too deep cuz I wanted to have some stuff to talk about on the first date. But with the way things have gone so far, I just need to make an effort to reignite some spark going into the first date. My head has just been in a weird place about it, and I'm just trying to change the tone. We talked some last night, and I started to take the convo further, but nothing crazy. I'll just talk to her about it. Nothing suggests that she's lost interest either. Maybe she feels the same way.

[bout to crash]

Let's hope so!

Cram, I've been there. But in my case I dragged it on longer than I should have. It's tough because there's not necessarily anything wrong and you still like the person, but where do you draw the line? I definitely haven't perfected that art yet. 0ne part of me is just like "Live in the moment, enjoy the person's company until you don't anymore!" But you also don't want to feel like you're leading them on. It doesn't sound like she's expecting anything serious (maybe she realizes she's not in a good place for that), so that's a plus. When you do break it off, give her a number for a therapist

[cramx3]

Let's hope so!

Cram, I've been there. But in my case I dragged it on longer than I should have. It's tough because there's not necessarily anything wrong and you still like the person, but where do you draw the line? I definitely haven't perfected that art yet. 0ne part of me is just like "Live in the moment, enjoy the person's company until you don't anymore!" But you also don't want to feel like you're leading them on. It doesn't sound like she's expecting anything serious (maybe she realizes she's not in a good place for that), so that's a plus. When you do break it off, give her a number for a therapist

You nailed it.  Trying to be a decent person and not lead her on, but also I do have fun with her and also I do not want to "pile on" when she is already in a rough spot.  We will see how this goes, I don't have immediate plans to say something, but I also don't currently have any plans with her and we are both traveling soon (her next week and then me the week after).

[bout to crash]

Well, see what happens. Maybe you'll drift apart, but if not you just have to figure out when you're ready to tap out, I guess.

I'm a bit bummed because this dude cancelled on me tonight. We live 30ish minutes from each other and have conflicting schedules (healthcare, retail) so we don't see a ton of each other, though we've made it work. Well, tonight I had been invited to a coworker's party that was less than two miles away from his house. Last week, he had agreed to join me. I knew he had to go to a work meeting tomorrow morning and that he wouldn't be able to stay late/we couldn't make a big night of it, but I was happy I'd at least be able to see him since I was in his hood for once. Well, at the last minute he said he was too tired to come out. Really, you can't drive five minutes and hang out with me for an hour? It's not like he was off work late- it was 8pm. Argh. I was talking to my neighbor about it earlier and I think I'm just going to back off a bit and see what happens. I feel like I'm putting forth way more effort at this point. I couldn't have made it easier for him to hang with me (other than drive the 5min to his house), and he still didn't want to see me. Meh.

[Prog Snob]

I'm a bit bummed because this dude cancelled on me tonight. We live 30ish minutes from each other and have conflicting schedules (healthcare, retail) so we don't see a ton of each other, though we've made it work. Well, tonight I had been invited to a coworker's party that was less than two miles away from his house. Last week, he had agreed to join me. I knew he had to go to a work meeting tomorrow morning and that he wouldn't be able to stay late/we couldn't make a big night of it, but I was happy I'd at least be able to see him since I was in his hood for once. Well, at the last minute he said he was too tired to come out. Really, you can't drive five minutes and hang out with me for an hour? It's not like he was off work late- it was 8pm. Argh. I was talking to my neighbor about it earlier and I think I'm just going to back off a bit and see what happens. I feel like I'm putting forth way more effort at this point. I couldn't have made it easier for him to hang with me (other than drive the 5min to his house), and he still didn't want to see me. Meh.

Sorry to hear that, Jackie. I can't blame you for being disappointed and irritated by it. I've had the same exact mindset as it has happened to me. If someone keeps making an excuse for not seeing me, then eventually I just give up. I understand that people are tired, they have bad days, etc. However, it still speaks volumes about the effort they're putting into a relationship. Even if all of his excuses are true, he's still not working with you. If he isn't able to handle the rigors of a relationship then he needs to discuss that with you.

I drove down to Cape May to see this girl I was dating because she was down there with family for the week and we didn't want to go a whole week without seeing each other. I was exhausted and at the time I was getting up at 4:30 in the morning. However, I really missed her and wanted to see her. Fast forward the evening, I wound up getting arrested while driving home (it was about midnight) because I was falling asleep at the wheel and swerving all over the road. The cops saw me and I spent a few hours in jail. So yeah, if it's too much for him to drive a few minutes out of the way to spend time with you, you have some thinking to do about his contribution to the relationship.  You deserve better than that.   

[bout to crash]

Aww, thanks. And dude, that's crazy about being arrested! I have been in similar situations though. It's not that people should always bend over backwards and risk stuff like that, but a little bit of effort is necessary for things to work/for the other person to feel valued.

[Prog Snob]

Aww, thanks. And dude, that's crazy about being arrested! I have been in similar situations though. It's not that people should always bend over backwards and risk stuff like that, but a little bit of effort is necessary for things to work/for the other person to feel valued.

I'm still going through the court system regarding the incident.

Effort speaks volumes but lack of effort even louder. Backing off for a bit is a wise move. Let him prove himself. You can't be the only one trying.

[cramx3]

I mean if someone has to back out every once in awhile because they are legit tired, that's ok even though it's disappointing, but when you are just starting to date someone in the early stages, backing out is an annoyance and to me shows a lack of interest.  Sorry that happened, hopefully it didn't ruin your night and you still had fun.

I had the funniest and maybe saddest situation happen last night with my friend.  This guy is a dick, I will be honest.  I like to surround myself with people I think are "good" and "moral" and this one friend is probably the only exception.  He is a nice guy and all, but I totally don't agree with the way he treats women.  Having said that, he was over my house last night and we were hanging out.

So he had been dating this girl for some time now, at least a few months.  SHe has been over my house a few times and even picked the two of us up from the airport before.  She is a very nice girl and a girl I wish he would seriously date.  Well at least I DID wish that, not sure how I feel about her now, although this is totally all on him really.  So he has also been banging many girls as well besides this one.  He admits that to me and our friends, I honestly do not know if this girl knows that.  Anyway, we go out for a bit and come back to my house where we walk in and my brother has four of his friends over and on the couch is also that one girl my friend had been seeing.

Apparently she just kind of walked into the house with my brother's friends and hung out with them for about 45 minutes.  My brother recognized her and she said she was friends with my friend so they all just thought she was ok, although very wierded out by her just hanging there.  Well when we walk in, my friends jaw drops and they end up talking in my basement for about 40 minutes.  No idea what happens now with them, but I told him he needs to stop because she is either crazy or he is driving her crazy with the way he treats her.

[Stadler]

^^^  I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is?  How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker?   Did I not read closely enough?

[Prog Snob]

Tonight is my date with the woman I met at the show. I'm feeling good about this. I don't think she ever thought I would have went up to her and spoke to her. Yesterday we added each other on Facebook and I was looking at some of her photos from the show. A little while before I decided to go up to her, she put an update on her page saying that it's mostly a younger crowd but there is one hot dad standing near me.

[Prog Snob]

^^^  I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is?  How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker?   Did I not read closely enough?

I, too, was waiting for something more extreme, but I think I get his point. Cram, did your friends have plans to see this girl or did she just take it upon herself to try and track you guys down?

[cramx3]

^^^  I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is?  How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker?   Did I not read closely enough?

I, too, was waiting for something more extreme, but I think I get his point. Cram, did your friends have plans to see this girl or did she just take it upon herself to try and track you guys down?

She took it upon herself to just show up to confront my friend, she even just chilled on my couch with my brother's friends (who she doesnt know) for 45 minutes just waiting for us to come home to speak to him.  My friend is the dick because he has been dragging this girl along for months while he fucks other girls, which I am pretty sure she knows nothing about.  Like, he treats her like his gf to her face (a lot of our other friends thought they were actually a couple as she is the only girl he posts stuff on FB with and talks about generally with other people) but then does whatever behind her back.  She called him out.

[Prog Snob]

^^^  I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is?  How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker?   Did I not read closely enough?

I, too, was waiting for something more extreme, but I think I get his point. Cram, did your friends have plans to see this girl or did she just take it upon herself to try and track you guys down?

She took it upon herself to just show up to confront my friend, she even just chilled on my couch with my brother's friends (who she doesnt know) for 45 minutes just waiting for us to come home to speak to him.  My friend is the dick because he has been dragging this girl along for months while he fucks other girls, which I am pretty sure she knows nothing about.  Like, he treats her like his gf to her face (a lot of our other friends thought they were actually a couple as she is the only girl he posts stuff on FB with and talks about generally with other people) but then does whatever behind her back.  She called him out.

Maybe she didn't approach it the best way but I can't blame her. If I suspect someone of doing something and I want answers, I have very little patience so I would probably do something similar.

[Stadler]

^^^  I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is?  How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker?   Did I not read closely enough?

I, too, was waiting for something more extreme, but I think I get his point. Cram, did your friends have plans to see this girl or did she just take it upon herself to try and track you guys down?

She took it upon herself to just show up to confront my friend, she even just chilled on my couch with my brother's friends (who she doesnt know) for 45 minutes just waiting for us to come home to speak to him.  My friend is the dick because he has been dragging this girl along for months while he fucks other girls, which I am pretty sure she knows nothing about.  Like, he treats her like his gf to her face (a lot of our other friends thought they were actually a couple as she is the only girl he posts stuff on FB with and talks about generally with other people) but then does whatever behind her back.  She called him out.

I'm not sure I blame her.   People ought to be accountable for their actions; he fucks around, he should accept the responsibility.   I get that you think she's "not aware" of what's going on, but her showing up to call him out kind of tells another story on that.

I'm not being critical of you, Cram, I'm just trying to understand.

[cramx3]

^^^  I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is?  How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker?   Did I not read closely enough?

I, too, was waiting for something more extreme, but I think I get his point. Cram, did your friends have plans to see this girl or did she just take it upon herself to try and track you guys down?

She took it upon herself to just show up to confront my friend, she even just chilled on my couch with my brother's friends (who she doesnt know) for 45 minutes just waiting for us to come home to speak to him.  My friend is the dick because he has been dragging this girl along for months while he fucks other girls, which I am pretty sure she knows nothing about.  Like, he treats her like his gf to her face (a lot of our other friends thought they were actually a couple as she is the only girl he posts stuff on FB with and talks about generally with other people) but then does whatever behind her back.  She called him out.

Maybe she didn't approach it the best way but I can't blame her. If I suspect someone of doing something and I want answers, I have very little patience so I would probably do something similar.

I don't blame her for getting worked up with him, he treats women like garbage and this girl was really nice and I liked her a lot for him, so I felt bad, but at the same time I felt really pissed off that she just walked into my house when I was not there and uninvited.  My brother is nice and just assumed we knew she was coming so he did what any decent guy would do and let her chill and hang out with them even though they were all very weirded out by what was going on.

However, there is a place where you draw the line.  Entering into my house (not my friend's place) to confront my friend without my knowledge is not very cool with me even if I agree that my friends actions probably deserved him to get embarrassed like that.  I had a good laugh though, I will forever make fun of him for this.

[Prog Snob]

^^^  I mean this nicely, but am I the only one missing where the drama is?  How does that girl coming by and hanging when you're not there make him a dick or her a stalker?   Did I not read closely enough?

I, too, was waiting for something more extreme, but I think I get his point. Cram, did your friends have plans to see this girl or did she just take it upon herself to try and track you guys down?

She took it upon herself to just show up to confront my friend, she even just chilled on my couch with my brother's friends (who she doesnt know) for 45 minutes just waiting for us to come home to speak to him.  My friend is the dick because he has been dragging this girl along for months while he fucks other girls, which I am pretty sure she knows nothing about.  Like, he treats her like his gf to her face (a lot of our other friends thought they were actually a couple as she is the only girl he posts stuff on FB with and talks about generally with other people) but then does whatever behind her back.  She called him out.

Maybe she didn't approach it the best way but I can't blame her. If I suspect someone of doing something and I want answers, I have very little patience so I would probably do something similar.

I don't blame her for getting worked up with him, he treats women like garbage and this girl was really nice and I liked her a lot for him, so I felt bad, but at the same time I felt really pissed off that she just walked into my house when I was not there and uninvited.  My brother is nice and just assumed we knew she was coming so he did what any decent guy would do and let her chill and hang out with them even though they were all very weirded out by what was going on.

However, there is a place where you draw the line.  Entering into my house (not my friend's place) to confront my friend without my knowledge is not very cool with me even if I agree that my friends actions probably deserved him to get embarrassed like that.  I had a good laugh though, I will forever make fun of him for this.

So where do they stand right now?

[cramx3]

I haven't asked for an update since then and he didn't want to tell me details after it happened (he looked like he was crying) other than they are still going to talk and maybe see each other 

[Prog Snob]

I haven't asked for an update since then and he didn't want to tell me details after it happened (he looked like he was crying) other than they are still going to talk and maybe see each other 

I feel bad for her.

[cramx3]

I haven't asked for an update since then and he didn't want to tell me details after it happened (he looked like he was crying) other than they are still going to talk and maybe see each other 

I feel bad for her.

As do I.  She is a really nice girl.  He just puts value of women at like nothing and its sad.  I've told him before it's wrong what he does, but he won't stop.  He is a really good looking guy so it's very easy for him to get a girl, but any girl with brains runs away from him pretty quickly.

[Prog Snob]

I haven't asked for an update since then and he didn't want to tell me details after it happened (he looked like he was crying) other than they are still going to talk and maybe see each other 

I feel bad for her.

As do I.  She is a really nice girl.  He just puts value of women at like nothing and its sad.  I've told him before it's wrong what he does, but he won't stop.  He is a really good looking guy so it's very easy for him to get a girl, but any girl with brains runs away from him pretty quickly.

That makes sense. An intelligent woman could probably read him and know exactly what she would be getting into.

[Sub Luna Vitrea]

not a lonely heart in any sense of the word anymore

[sylvan]

not a lonely heart in any sense of the word anymore

Woot Woot! 

[cramx3]

not a lonely heart in any sense of the word anymore

  awesome

[JayOctavarium]

Relationships suck.

[Prog Snob]

not a lonely heart in any sense of the word anymore

Good for you. 

Relationships suck.

They do. I'm not looking for a long-term thing anymore. After coming out of two emotionally supercharged relationships, I need a fucking break. I'm just going to enjoy myself for a bit, keep it casual, and whatever happens happens.

[cramx3]

That's probably the best thing you can do, enjoy yourself and go with the flow.

[Prog Snob]

That's probably the best thing you can do, enjoy yourself and go with the flow.

The date last night went alright. It wasn't anything that blew me away. She's really cool and we have a bit in common but she seemed a bit timid. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. But if history repeats itself, and it usually does, once my full intensity comes out it will probably be too much for her.

[Sub Luna Vitrea]

Relationships suck.

as someone who always always always tries to avoid feelings, there is something liberating about letting yourself go once in a while. i often forget that romantic affection is a lot like sex: you need it every so often. not as often as sex, but you know.

[Phoenix87x]

Relationships suck.

Truth


Great at first. Dare I say euphoric, but then you start getting tired of each other, get on each other's nerves and bicker more and more.

I'm am much sadder being alone than being mildly annoyed, so it is what it is.

[sylvan]

^^^ Both of you nailed it. Although, I've never gotten to the sick of each other phase. Apparently it's not inevitable though .

I need to vent this out:
About myself:
I apparently have a problem fully accepting that someone just isn't right for me, or it never would have worked, or that they're not in the same place mentally/emotionally as me. It happened to me when I was 19-20 and it took me a long time to get past that. I look back at that with total embarrassment, that I was a complete fool, and its maybe one of the biggest regrets I have in my life. Every time I've looked back on that period of my life, I feel foolish, and I always vow to never be that guy again. Fast forward 12 years and this feels all too familiar. I just can't seem to get this person out of my head. Even though I consciously know that I have no reason to be stuck on her. Except; I let a buddy borrow my go pro. I thought I erased everything before giving it to him, but I got it back and found a ton of pics from our kayaking outing we had. I swore I deleted them. I scrolled down on the messaging app on my tablet and found our text conversation from four months ago. I swore I deleted that. I went to Universal Studios yesterday and stood in line next to her doppelganger (who wears heels to a theme park?) I guess I'm just mad at myself.

About someone else:
WTF is up with people yo? I've mentioned this before. I went out with someone, she wanted to date someone else, I thought she was cool enough to be friends with, texted with each other for a couple months with my sole intention to try and be actual friends. She then invited me over to make dinner at her place (and would owe me 20 hangouts), I approach it as just friends. She later tells me she started dating a guy, right around that time, and really liked him. Good for her. I say hey lets hangout again, we can cook again or something. She says, "Just be to be clear, would this be as just friends?" What else would it be? If she has to be clear about this, what was the dynamic of the last dinner? If someone is being held to date standards, shouldn't they know they're on a date!? And she's even telling me how I need to find a woman who is honest and straightforward. Since then, she reverted back to meaningless convo topics. Now I haven't heard from her in like 3 weeks. It's become clear that she's one of those people that disappears into a relationship. It's just a bummer, and I don't mean that romantically in any way. I was really proud of myself for being mature about this situation, and not being that guy again that can't acknowledge reality. Women be confusing yo!

[Stadler]

^^^ Both of you nailed it. Although, I've never gotten to the sick of each other phase. Apparently it's not inevitable though .

I need to vent this out:
About myself:
I apparently have a problem fully accepting that someone just isn't right for me, or it never would have worked, or that they're not in the same place mentally/emotionally as me. It happened to me when I was 19-20 and it took me a long time to get past that. I look back at that with total embarrassment, that I was a complete fool, and its maybe one of the biggest regrets I have in my life. Every time I've looked back on that period of my life, I feel foolish, and I always vow to never be that guy again. Fast forward 12 years and this feels all too familiar. I just can't seem to get this person out of my head. Even though I consciously know that I have no reason to be stuck on her. Except; I let a buddy borrow my go pro. I thought I erased everything before giving it to him, but I got it back and found a ton of pics from our kayaking outing we had. I swore I deleted them. I scrolled down on the messaging app on my tablet and found our text conversation from four months ago. I swore I deleted that. I went to Universal Studios yesterday and stood in line next to her doppelganger (who wears heels to a theme park?) I guess I'm just mad at myself.

Well, I get like this at times, but I to this day can't figure out if it's the person or the idea of the person (and I'm not sure it matters).  Me, I would just worry that I wasn't getting down on myself.  You can make mistakes, but don't beat yourself up like Chris Farley after he asked Paul McCartney if that wasn't "awesome, or what?"

About someone else:
WTF is up with people yo? I've mentioned this before. I went out with someone, she wanted to date someone else, I thought she was cool enough to be friends with, texted with each other for a couple months with my sole intention to try and be actual friends. She then invited me over to make dinner at her place (and would owe me 20 hangouts), I approach it as just friends. She later tells me she started dating a guy, right around that time, and really liked him. Good for her. I say hey lets hangout again, we can cook again or something. She says, "Just be to be clear, would this be as just friends?" What else would it be? If she has to be clear about this, what was the dynamic of the last dinner? If someone is being held to date standards, shouldn't they know they're on a date!? And she's even telling me how I need to find a woman who is honest and straightforward. Since then, she reverted back to meaningless convo topics. Now I haven't heard from her in like 3 weeks. It's become clear that she's one of those people that disappears into a relationship. It's just a bummer, and I don't mean that romantically in any way. I was really proud of myself for being mature about this situation, and not being that guy again that can't acknowledge reality. Women be confusing yo!

Honestly, I think you're handling this exactly right; give yourself some credit.   She's the one that seems to be misplaying the "friend line" and that's a backhanded complement to you as well.   But even if it's not, she may not actually be the one asking.  If she's in a new(er) relationship, maybe her guy is all like "whoa, what's doing with that other guy?" and she's all like "but we're just friends" and she's just confirming that.   

You can only control your own intentions, and your own motivations.  I wouldn't worry too much about hers unless and until it becomes clear she's looking for more (and in which case, you have some idea of her decision-making capabilities). 

[Sub Luna Vitrea]

i hate feeling this strongly about someone. i can't handle it. i am letting her in in so many ways, and she is coming in, and... i don't understand, this is going too well, it never goes this well, i am so confused by how amazing she is and... blah sorry.

it's scary, it's terrifying, i like to be completely in control of the way i feel, and now... so much of my happiness, suddenly, is out of my control.