Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[sylvan]

Maybe he doesn't know what to say either. But your conversations shouldn't just be about this unfortunate thing that happened in his life. You might try and see if he wants to do something with the sole purpose of getting his mind off things, and maybe even pitch it to him that way. So it doesn't seem like you're doing it for you. But the money thing is all him. If he can't ask family for a small loan to make it to grandma's funeral, then there's something else there between them. Try and engage him in some sort of conversation. If he still continues to be distant, then you can say something later. Being sad and down is expected, but it's not an excuse for him to be an inconsiderate dick.

[bout to crash]

Good points. We had talked about possibly hanging out today so maybe I'll ask if he still wants to, but I just feel awkward at this point because I haven't heard from him in 24 hours.

Edit: well he replied like it was no biggie and does want to get dinner, but is having car trouble so I am going up there after all. His car is 20 years old, so I can't argue with that
We'll see how it goes

[sylvan]

I gotta say, its super refreshing to see that overanalyzing is not exclusive to guys. I guess uncertainty can get anyone. Hopefully you can break him out of his slump (I need to check the emoticon thread for :humping).

I've been talking to the older woman (1 yr older lol) all day, and last night. I've pretty much thrown out any ideas or rules about how this should go. It's resulted in good basic conversation that will hopefully be a good foundation for our first meeting. Time to lock that down!
Edit: Yeah, got plans for Weds! She was kinda talking about living situations, so I told her I currently live with my parents and I'm not trying to hide anything. I got a thumbs up. Now that's one less thing to get anxiety about. I'm excited. She at least was, and I hope she still is, even though she's flashing me a thumbs up.

[bout to crash]

Yay, exciting indeed! I could see how the parents thing would be hard news to break and scare some people off, but I'd think a decent gal would still give it a shot. I mean, I admit that would make me slightly nervous (just worrying that the guy was the stereotypical living-in-the-basement type, or creepily attached to his mom or something), but it wouldn't keep me from dating somebody. We are all often in transition, and it's not my place to judge that.

As for my situation, things were totally perfectly normal on our date tonight

Yes, I am an expert over-analyzer. But I think I had decent reason to believe something was off, since the amount of our communication changed so significantly.

But anyway, it was good. He bought me dinner, then we had yummy Goose Island beer, watched South Park and uh, a few other things. He's going to join some friends and I for game night Friday. He hasn't met any of my friends yet, so we'll see how that goes!

[Sub Luna Vitrea]

So... the guy who made me so happy by telling me he didn't know I was trans at all, then went on to ruin it by saying, "Well, I think I might be partially gay anyway."

I told him he's allowed to be gay but that I'm a woman, that I fully intend to get surgery and that if he thinks he might be gay, I am the wrong person to hook up with and he should go find a man. Or he can just be bi like I am. Then he went on to tell me how the word "bi" pushes the gender binary and blah blah blah... and like, I dunno, I'm just sick of talking to him, he's confused and young and I can't deal with that, plus I have two guys right now anyway.

[sylvan]

As for my situation, things were totally perfectly normal on our date tonight :lolpalm

It's one of those times where all you can do is look in the mirror and say to yourself with a big smile on your face, "You're an idiot." Yeah, you might have had decent reason to feel things were off, but a death of someone close will do that apparently. I've been trying to setup a date with someone who's really busy. Now that her grandma had a stroke and is in a questionable state, I'm not expecting anything. Not that I wont get any contact, I'm just not expecting it because of the circumstances.

The living at home thing has felt like more of a stigma with certain women, but not all. The fact that she has a successful career can be intimidating when I'm still trying to solidify mine. But I'm done shooting myself down before they can. I know what kind of person I am, and the fact that she seems understandable about something like that makes me at more excited about connecting. Plus, when I told her, I said I didn't wanna seem like I'm hiding something, and I kinda put out feelers if it was a deal breaker. That's when I got the thumbs up. Maybe that will show her that I'm trying to be honest and open.

[Stadler]

As for my situation, things were totally perfectly normal on our date tonight :lolpalm

It's one of those times where all you can do is look in the mirror and say to yourself with a big smile on your face, "You're an idiot." Yeah, you might have had decent reason to feel things were off, but a death of someone close will do that apparently. I've been trying to setup a date with someone who's really busy. Now that her grandma had a stroke and is in a questionable state, I'm not expecting anything. Not that I wont get any contact, I'm just not expecting it because of the circumstances.

The living at home thing has felt like more of a stigma with certain women, but not all. The fact that she has a successful career can be intimidating when I'm still trying to solidify mine. But I'm done shooting myself down before they can. I know what kind of person I am, and the fact that she seems understandable about something like that makes me at more excited about connecting. Plus, when I told her, I said I didn't wanna seem like I'm hiding something, and I kinda put out feelers if it was a deal breaker. That's when I got the thumbs up. Maybe that will show her that I'm trying to be honest and open.

Immediately after my divorce, my ex moved in with her new boy but all her stuff was in my apartment, including the bedroom (I slept on the couch most of the last year and a half of my marriage).   I remember having a date that seemed like it was moving towards "coming over" and I was up front about what she would find.  She was too classy to say anything, but it was clear it was a problem.    Couple months later, same thing, and I was up front, and she was like "so?" and we're now married.

Be yourself, own your situation, and find that person that accepts your situation.   

[sylvan]

So... the guy who made me so happy by telling me he didn't know I was trans at all, then went on to ruin it by saying, "Well, I think I might be partially gay anyway."

What is up with people not having any forethought about things like this. He thinks he may be partially gay? Yeah, he's got his own shit to figure out.

[sylvan]

Be yourself, own your situation, and find that person that accepts your situation.   

Fuckin' A bro! I've felt like all these rules, spoken and unspoken, are just confining who I am or can be. I'm gonna try, again, the straightforward, honest, no games approach. I know, certain guidelines still have merit. But I just feel so much better trying to be myself, and not this guy that's calculating every move. I've tried it once, it felt great during the process, the end product was devastating, and it effected me mentally and emotionally. But, that doesn't mean I need to be someone else. I've got my head on straight and things look good.

[Sub Luna Vitrea]

So... the guy who made me so happy by telling me he didn't know I was trans at all, then went on to ruin it by saying, "Well, I think I might be partially gay anyway."

What is up with people not having any forethought about things like this.

As much as it upset me, I can't totally blame him because I was confused about this issue for much of my life, too. It's not exactly something they teach you in school.

He thinks he may be partially gay? Yeah, he's got his own shit to figure out.

Yep, exactly.

[cramx3]

My grandfather passed away not too long ago, while I am seeing this girl who Ive been dating for a couple months now.  During that time I found I was talking significantly less to her, not any fault of hers, just that I wasn't always wanting to converse like I normally am.  Just part of dealing with the loss, not just emotionally, but physically being with family and what not.  So just to give an idea from the other side since I can relate recently to that.  I wouldn't take anything too serious about someone's actions in that situation because as said, everyone reacts differently, just let time do its thing.

[Stadler]

Be yourself, own your situation, and find that person that accepts your situation.   

Fuckin' A bro! I've felt like all these rules, spoken and unspoken, are just confining who I am or can be. I'm gonna try, again, the straightforward, honest, no games approach. I know, certain guidelines still have merit. But I just feel so much better trying to be myself, and not this guy that's calculating every move. I've tried it once, it felt great during the process, the end product was devastating, and it effected me mentally and emotionally. But, that doesn't mean I need to be someone else. I've got my head on straight and things look good.

Look, I fully accept that it was easier for me, because I had resigned myself to being single and basically taking it where I could get it (and being reasonably well-spoken, willing to talk to anyone at any time, having a reasonable amount of coin, and looking ten years younger than my age, it was all that hard if I wasn't TOO picky), but after my divorce I resolved to be, above all things, more authentic.  Not really more honest (I was for the most part then and am now, but not above a little white lie if it smoothed things over), not more selfish (because I am a compromiser by nature), but just more... willing to state my case for those things I hold dear.  More... authentic.   Not going to hide my crossword puzzles.  Not going to apologize for being a Kiss fan.   Not going to hesitate to share - in a constructive, non-combative way - what emotions I was feeling at that time, even if they included anger. 

And I found someone that seemed to like the "authentic" me, so there you go.  That's number one why I remarried (I was very ready to be a single guy from here on out). 

[Prog Snob]

So... the guy who made me so happy by telling me he didn't know I was trans at all, then went on to ruin it by saying, "Well, I think I might be partially gay anyway."

I told him he's allowed to be gay but that I'm a woman, that I fully intend to get surgery and that if he thinks he might be gay, I am the wrong person to hook up with and he should go find a man. Or he can just be bi like I am. Then he went on to tell me how the word "bi" pushes the gender binary and blah blah blah... and like, I dunno, I'm just sick of talking to him, he's confused and young and I can't deal with that, plus I have two guys right now anyway.

On the bright side, at least you have two other prospects.   

[cramx3]

Be yourself, own your situation, and find that person that accepts your situation.   

Fuckin' A bro! I've felt like all these rules, spoken and unspoken, are just confining who I am or can be. I'm gonna try, again, the straightforward, honest, no games approach. I know, certain guidelines still have merit. But I just feel so much better trying to be myself, and not this guy that's calculating every move. I've tried it once, it felt great during the process, the end product was devastating, and it effected me mentally and emotionally. But, that doesn't mean I need to be someone else. I've got my head on straight and things look good.

Look, I fully accept that it was easier for me, because I had resigned myself to being single and basically taking it where I could get it (and being reasonably well-spoken, willing to talk to anyone at any time, having a reasonable amount of coin, and looking ten years younger than my age, it was all that hard if I wasn't TOO picky), but after my divorce I resolved to be, above all things, more authentic.  Not really more honest (I was for the most part then and am now, but not above a little white lie if it smoothed things over), not more selfish (because I am a compromiser by nature), but just more... willing to state my case for those things I hold dear.  More... authentic.   Not going to hide my crossword puzzles.  Not going to apologize for being a Kiss fan.   Not going to hesitate to share - in a constructive, non-combative way - what emotions I was feeling at that time, even if they included anger. 

And I found someone that seemed to like the "authentic" me, so there you go.  That's number one why I remarried (I was very ready to be a single guy from here on out).

I like what you say.  Authenticity is important and there's no point going into anything serious if you aren't being authentic to yourself. 

With regards to rules in dating, I think those are all just about not coming on too strong or not making the other person feel negatively towards you in a setting where you dont know each other.  I think you can be both authentic and play by the "rules" although I think we all know the rules are very loose and everyone's interpretations are different.

[Sub Luna Vitrea]

So... the guy who made me so happy by telling me he didn't know I was trans at all, then went on to ruin it by saying, "Well, I think I might be partially gay anyway."

I told him he's allowed to be gay but that I'm a woman, that I fully intend to get surgery and that if he thinks he might be gay, I am the wrong person to hook up with and he should go find a man. Or he can just be bi like I am. Then he went on to tell me how the word "bi" pushes the gender binary and blah blah blah... and like, I dunno, I'm just sick of talking to him, he's confused and young and I can't deal with that, plus I have two guys right now anyway.

On the bright side, at least you have two other prospects.   

I appreciate the thought but they are not prospects; they are people with whom I have concurrent sexual relationships and there is no intent for either of them to ever become anything more than what they currently are.

[bout to crash]

Well, you can still enjoy their company!

My grandfather passed away not too long ago, while I am seeing this girl who Ive been dating for a couple months now.  During that time I found I was talking significantly less to her, not any fault of hers, just that I wasn't always wanting to converse like I normally am.  Just part of dealing with the loss, not just emotionally, but physically being with family and what not.  So just to give an idea from the other side since I can relate recently to that.  I wouldn't take anything too serious about someone's actions in that situation because as said, everyone reacts differently, just let time do its thing.

Oh totally, but I was worried about him being upset with me because of the optimistic thing I said about his dead auntie 

And yes guys, hooray for authenticity. I can't do the game shit.

[Prog Snob]

So... the guy who made me so happy by telling me he didn't know I was trans at all, then went on to ruin it by saying, "Well, I think I might be partially gay anyway."

I told him he's allowed to be gay but that I'm a woman, that I fully intend to get surgery and that if he thinks he might be gay, I am the wrong person to hook up with and he should go find a man. Or he can just be bi like I am. Then he went on to tell me how the word "bi" pushes the gender binary and blah blah blah... and like, I dunno, I'm just sick of talking to him, he's confused and young and I can't deal with that, plus I have two guys right now anyway.

On the bright side, at least you have two other prospects.   

I appreciate the thought but they are not prospects; they are people with whom I have concurrent sexual relationships and there is no intent for either of them to ever become anything more than what they currently are.

It's something - at least until something more viable comes along.

[Stadler]

Well, you can still enjoy their company!

My grandfather passed away not too long ago, while I am seeing this girl who Ive been dating for a couple months now.  During that time I found I was talking significantly less to her, not any fault of hers, just that I wasn't always wanting to converse like I normally am.  Just part of dealing with the loss, not just emotionally, but physically being with family and what not.  So just to give an idea from the other side since I can relate recently to that.  I wouldn't take anything too serious about someone's actions in that situation because as said, everyone reacts differently, just let time do its thing.

Oh totally, but I was worried about him being upset with me because of the optimistic thing I said about his dead auntie 

And yes guys, hooray for authenticity. I can't do the game shit.

Not to play psychologist here, and you don't have to answer out loud (but perhaps something to think about), why not?  Or if you find it hard, maybe pick one specific thing to focus on?   I tend to think you might have already done that, or at least be better at it than you think.  I think the biggest part of being "authentic" is really just being honest with yourself about what is important to you and how you value things.   I mean this FAR more respectfully than it might sound, but your approach to dating (perhaps being a little fluid about settling down, perhaps being a little fluid about with whom you enjoy the moment) is to me a rather authentic way to live life.  I admire you in many respects and that's one of them. 

[Cedar redaC]

So I've been seeing a lot of this girl that I've been talking about lately, and we've decided to start dating!

[bout to crash]

Hooray! Congrats

Well, you can still enjoy their company!

My grandfather passed away not too long ago, while I am seeing this girl who Ive been dating for a couple months now.  During that time I found I was talking significantly less to her, not any fault of hers, just that I wasn't always wanting to converse like I normally am.  Just part of dealing with the loss, not just emotionally, but physically being with family and what not.  So just to give an idea from the other side since I can relate recently to that.  I wouldn't take anything too serious about someone's actions in that situation because as said, everyone reacts differently, just let time do its thing.

Oh totally, but I was worried about him being upset with me because of the optimistic thing I said about his dead auntie 

And yes guys, hooray for authenticity. I can't do the game shit.

Not to play psychologist here, and you don't have to answer out loud (but perhaps something to think about), why not?  Or if you find it hard, maybe pick one specific thing to focus on?   I tend to think you might have already done that, or at least be better at it than you think.  I think the biggest part of being "authentic" is really just being honest with yourself about what is important to you and how you value things.   I mean this FAR more respectfully than it might sound, but your approach to dating (perhaps being a little fluid about settling down, perhaps being a little fluid about with whom you enjoy the moment) is to me a rather authentic way to live life.  I admire you in many respects and that's one of them.

Aww, thanks! 

I am a bit confused about what you are asking above that, though. Why don't I like to play games?

[Stadler]

Hooray! Congrats

Well, you can still enjoy their company!

My grandfather passed away not too long ago, while I am seeing this girl who Ive been dating for a couple months now.  During that time I found I was talking significantly less to her, not any fault of hers, just that I wasn't always wanting to converse like I normally am.  Just part of dealing with the loss, not just emotionally, but physically being with family and what not.  So just to give an idea from the other side since I can relate recently to that.  I wouldn't take anything too serious about someone's actions in that situation because as said, everyone reacts differently, just let time do its thing.

Oh totally, but I was worried about him being upset with me because of the optimistic thing I said about his dead auntie 

And yes guys, hooray for authenticity. I can't do the game shit.

Not to play psychologist here, and you don't have to answer out loud (but perhaps something to think about), why not?  Or if you find it hard, maybe pick one specific thing to focus on?   I tend to think you might have already done that, or at least be better at it than you think.  I think the biggest part of being "authentic" is really just being honest with yourself about what is important to you and how you value things.   I mean this FAR more respectfully than it might sound, but your approach to dating (perhaps being a little fluid about settling down, perhaps being a little fluid about with whom you enjoy the moment) is to me a rather authentic way to live life.  I admire you in many respects and that's one of them.

Aww, thanks! 

I am a bit confused about what you are asking above that, though. Why don't I like to play games?

Haha, I'm reading back and I'm confused too.  I think it misread it the first time; when I replied, I was taking it as if you were unsure about how authentic you could be in terms of relationships. 

I'm going to go stand in the corner for a while.   

[bout to crash]

Oh ok, well that makes sense in that context

I am trying my best to be as authentic as possible but there have definitely been times when I was not.

[Sub Luna Vitrea]

am meeting up with man this weekend

& and it makes me feel things i have never felt in places that did not exist two years ago

[Prog Snob]

I started talking to this girl on OKCupid a few days ago. We've been hitting it off amazingly. She's cool and weird in all of the right places, yet I also feel her sensitive side.  She actually asked me to hang out before I had  the chance to broach the topic with her. I'm not getting my hopes up because they all start off like this so I'm just going with the flow and hoping for the best.

[King Postwhore]

Go with the flow my friend.  You will never find the right person if you never try.  Just go in enjoying the moment.

[Prog Snob]

Go with the flow my friend.  You will never find the right person if you never try.  Just go in enjoying the moment.

That's exactly what I'm doing. No pressure and just letting nature run its course.   

[Sub Luna Vitrea]

Me and another girl have been talking for a while, honestly way too long, and then all of a sudden tonight we're like, "I really like you" to each other. It was so adorable. We're taking it slow as I just got done with two simultaneous relationships with men over the weekend and I need a little time to process their ends and not confuse the different things with each other.

[bout to crash]

Well, no need to rush!

Things have been going well with the girl I've been seeing, but we don't see a ton of each other due to schedules.

I have been seeing that guy I mentioned recently now for over a month, and we finally had a discussion about monogamy. Basically right now we're both really into each other and it's fine, but eventually we'll be going in different directions. He's the white picket fence type, me notsomuch. As he said, we have an expiration date. But hopefully not anytime soon.

[Prog Snob]

There's nothing behind the white picket fence unless you like mundane living. I've been there and it's a restricting and an expectant lifestyle.

I took my ex's daughter to see Falling In Reverse at Starland Ballroom last night. It's basically a younger crowd so I was hanging out by the bar with some of the other parents. I saw a woman standing by herself and after some exchanges of smiles, I worked up the nerve to go up to her and start a conversation. We hit it off immediately and it winds up she's a huge metalhead. She showed me her Type O Negative tattoo (she has some others also) and we were talking about all of the concerts we've been to. We exchanged phone numbers and we're going to get together within the next few days.

[cramx3]

I am starting to feel an expiration is coming with the girl I've been seeing.  We've been dating for quite some time now, I met her back in August and things have kind of come to a stall with us.  I really like her in many ways.  She is funny and we have similar interests and we get along really well... having said that, there are some issues which are really preventing me from going further and making a commitment.

First of all, I totally believe at least part of this is my own insecurities of being in a relationship in general.  Just based on my past experiences I know I am slightly turned off to a committed relationship just because of how difficult my last one was and how depressed it made me.  There is a small part inside me that feels like I could never be like that again, as in I may never marry anyone.  Then there is the part of me that says, that was the past and a bad ending to a long relationship and if I meet the right person, then I will want to have a relationship again.

Well, 4 months into dating and I feel like I am getting to the point where I either need to make a commitment or move on.  Like I said, I do really like her in many ways, but I can't shake the feeling that she is not the right one for me.  What makes me feel that way is for one, I think our sex together is poor.  While I have not told her I think our sex isn't good, I think she gets it by seeing how we both struggle at times to get each other off and we have talked about what we like/dislike, but in general, we are both relatively green in this area for our ages as I was with one girl for almost 10 years who was practically uninterested in sex and she has admitted she isn't very experienced overall.  I feel like this CAN get ironed out over time, but it's something that does bother me in terms of long term stability.

But here is my biggest issue and I think I am going to come off as a dick by saying this, but it's honestly how I feel... she has a lot of personal issues.  Her life is VERY unstable.  She came over last night and I made her dinner because she has been very stressed and upset about her mother who is in poor health and while we were eating she broke down in front of me and spilled the beans on whats going on.  This conversation is not the turning point in my feelings, I knew a lot of this based on putting pieces together from other conversations, but this one talk was where she flat out said everything.  Her father passed away, her mother is a drug addict, she has two older brothers who are much older (20+ years older) and they are from a different mother so their relationship isn't very strong.  Her mom has no health insurance and is currently in the hospital with an unknown issue.  Then from her side, she has no real job.  She babysits and goes to school.  So she has literally no money as a 30 year old.  She also has no home, she lives with her friend's family who was nice enough to take her in.  I feel ridiculously bad for her and the hand she has been dealt.  But I believe all these personal issues, which are not minor, really weigh down on her.   I also believe she has a major health problem that she either isn't telling me or doesn't realize she has.  She also does not have health insurance so she isn't going to go through and get checked out.  There have been many times where we hung out and out of no where she is just in a lot of pain and refuses to tell me whats going on.  It's very odd and makes me feel very uncomfortable honestly.  If I ever ask her what's wrong, I don't get an answer and she brushes it off, but something clearly isn't right if you are in that much pain.  I think she also drinks a lot to deal with her "pain" whether that be emotional or physical pain. 

While the above is all really tough to deal with for her and I feel like a total ass writing about it as a negative towards her (which a lot of that is out of her control so it shouldn't effect how I feel about her... but it does).  I can't help but think she is not girlfriend material for me.  I have worked VERY hard to get where I am in live and I feel like I have been very generous to her with dinners, road trips, concerts, sporting events.... all things I organize and I pay for (which I don't mind honestly), but she cannot provide anything in return other than some good jokes with her sense of humor that I really like.

So to summarize, I feel like I can't be in a relationship with this girl for reasons that I am not even sure are valid so I am not sure if its just my mind messing with me or I have legit concerns here.  I am starting to feel like I am becoming a dick essentially by either dragging her along or by ending this while she is in a bad state personally so I am not sure what to do now.  Because we have similar interests, I would almost rather her just be my friend but I know thats not going to be possible, so Im guessing I need to break the news to her, but I don't know how I can tell her when everything else around her is just so negative.

Sorry for the long post, but if nothing else, it helps me feel better to write all that out.

[cramx3]

I saw a woman standing by herself and after some exchanges of smiles, I worked up the nerve to go up to her and start a conversation.

I wish I had the balls to do that, thats awesome!

[Prog Snob]

I saw a woman standing by herself and after some exchanges of smiles, I worked up the nerve to go up to her and start a conversation.

I wish I had the balls to do that, thats awesome!

The beers helped.     Though, I've become more confident as I've got older. Ten years ago I would never have even tried to smile at her, let alone go up to her and converse.


You sound like me, Cram. I feel like after the last two relationships and how they ended that I've been perpetually jaded. I've already chased away a few dating opportunities that could have went well just because I fear what could happen.

As far as your issues with her position in life, that is something you need to sit down and figure out yourself. Yes, you would probably come off as selfish and dickish if you told her those things, so don't.     What you need to do is figure out if this girl could bring you the happiness you deserve. Everything else should be second priority. That's just me. I have no problem being the sole financial contributor in a relationship if the girl does everything right by me. Not everybody is like that though. It also raises the concern of someone becoming so complacent with things that they start to expect it and take advantage of it. It's something you need to contemplate. If you genuinely care about this girl, then her instabilities should be something you're willing to help her through. However, I think I pretty much have you figured out. Someone like this girl who is unable to function on her own would not be good for you. You yourself need someone a bit more stable and secure and who can be there for you and understand that you won't always have a firm grasp on things. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Stadler]

I think Prog Snob is on to something.   I think it is all up to what you can or want to handle.   If I loved her, and looked forward to being with her, and liked her company, I would figure out a way to help and support her.   My deal breaker would be the pain, more specifically, her not telling me what is causing it.   My mantra with my wife is that there is nothing I can't handle, nothing I can't deal with as long as I know what it is. 

As for the sex, as someone who was in a relatively boring, and often sexless marriage, I wouldn't minimize that.  Yes, it can be fixed, but it should be fixed (if that is important to you).  Figure out if it really can be fixed; if at the end of the day great sex for you involves, say, a minimum of three people, and she's not up for that, or if great sex for her involves you screaming in pain and you're not up for that, you've got a problem that can't really be fixed at least by her. 

Only you can say, but from where I'm sitting, you are at a crossroads; it could be real concerns, it could just be cold feet.  Both are completely normal feelings, but have different solutions, and only you can figure that out.

[cramx3]

Thanks guys and I get what you are both saying.

I do believe I would rather be with someone who at our age is self sufficient.  I have no problem being the one who provides the financial support for things we do together, but I don't want to be the one who is her support for everything, and to be clear, she has not asked me to or even hinted at me helping her in any way outside of the things we do together.  This leads back to my ex and my insecurities though.  In that relationship I provided the same financial support, she was in school throughout our entire relationship as she became a doctor.  I loved her and had no problem paying majority of our rent, paying for our meals, paying for entertainment so that she would not have to take out more student loans.  I thought we would have a life together and it was in both of our best interests to keep her debt low.  Right before we officially ended she accidently told me how much money she had in her bank account and it was literally double of what I had.  I felt like she robbed me (and on her way out she made sure to take a lot more of my money with her).  That was one of the final nails in the coffin for me (there had been plenty of other nails).  All of those times I put money into helping her and she was secretly saving her own stash, never offering to pay for anything along the way.  When you say:

It also raises the concern of someone becoming so complacent with things that they start to expect it and take advantage of it. It's something you need to contemplate.

It immediately made me think about that.  I wasn't even thinking about her taking advantage of me and I do not believe she is in anyway, but maybe if this continues then that is the path it leads too.  But regardless, I really am interested in someone who has a more stable life if I am going to commit myself to them.  It's easy to say you would support someone you love, but I do not love this girl and I am not sure I want to continue and possibly fall in love and then have her problems become mine.  Extremely selfish thought, but that is also easily my biggest fault, I am very selfish.

[sylvan]

That's tough cram. That's one of the things that scares me to death is getting to a certain point and realizing it's not right for the future. But I guess that's how these things go, re-evaluating at certain points.

I started talking to this woman like 6 weeks ago. The one who I thought bailed on me, but had family issues along with her busy schedule. We've been chatting occasionally waiting for her semester to end, which is this week. So hopefully we can go out sometime soon, but it's kinda weird to me. When I first started talking to her, I didn't get too deep cuz I wanted to talk face to face. Through all of this, the conversation has stayed pretty basic, no real depth. She has a really busy schedule, and our chats are sporadic at best, a lot of time between replies, from both of us. I'm trying to think about what I can do to kinda ramp up the excitement, for both of us, going into the first date. And I simply mean reasonable first date excitement. Also with the patience we've both shown, it would be cool if we hit it off in some way. I'm also nervous about not cutting it after all this time. She seems pretty easy to talk to. Any ideas?