I am starting to feel an expiration is coming with the girl I've been seeing. We've been dating for quite some time now, I met her back in August and things have kind of come to a stall with us. I really like her in many ways. She is funny and we have similar interests and we get along really well... having said that, there are some issues which are really preventing me from going further and making a commitment.
First of all, I totally believe at least part of this is my own insecurities of being in a relationship in general. Just based on my past experiences I know I am slightly turned off to a committed relationship just because of how difficult my last one was and how depressed it made me. There is a small part inside me that feels like I could never be like that again, as in I may never marry anyone. Then there is the part of me that says, that was the past and a bad ending to a long relationship and if I meet the right person, then I will want to have a relationship again.
Well, 4 months into dating and I feel like I am getting to the point where I either need to make a commitment or move on. Like I said, I do really like her in many ways, but I can't shake the feeling that she is not the right one for me. What makes me feel that way is for one, I think our sex together is poor. While I have not told her I think our sex isn't good, I think she gets it by seeing how we both struggle at times to get each other off and we have talked about what we like/dislike, but in general, we are both relatively green in this area for our ages as I was with one girl for almost 10 years who was practically uninterested in sex and she has admitted she isn't very experienced overall. I feel like this CAN get ironed out over time, but it's something that does bother me in terms of long term stability.
But here is my biggest issue and I think I am going to come off as a dick by saying this, but it's honestly how I feel... she has a lot of personal issues. Her life is VERY unstable. She came over last night and I made her dinner because she has been very stressed and upset about her mother who is in poor health and while we were eating she broke down in front of me and spilled the beans on whats going on. This conversation is not the turning point in my feelings, I knew a lot of this based on putting pieces together from other conversations, but this one talk was where she flat out said everything. Her father passed away, her mother is a drug addict, she has two older brothers who are much older (20+ years older) and they are from a different mother so their relationship isn't very strong. Her mom has no health insurance and is currently in the hospital with an unknown issue. Then from her side, she has no real job. She babysits and goes to school. So she has literally no money as a 30 year old. She also has no home, she lives with her friend's family who was nice enough to take her in. I feel ridiculously bad for her and the hand she has been dealt. But I believe all these personal issues, which are not minor, really weigh down on her. I also believe she has a major health problem that she either isn't telling me or doesn't realize she has. She also does not have health insurance so she isn't going to go through and get checked out. There have been many times where we hung out and out of no where she is just in a lot of pain and refuses to tell me whats going on. It's very odd and makes me feel very uncomfortable honestly. If I ever ask her what's wrong, I don't get an answer and she brushes it off, but something clearly isn't right if you are in that much pain. I think she also drinks a lot to deal with her "pain" whether that be emotional or physical pain.
While the above is all really tough to deal with for her and I feel like a total ass writing about it as a negative towards her (which a lot of that is out of her control so it shouldn't effect how I feel about her... but it does). I can't help but think she is not girlfriend material for me. I have worked VERY hard to get where I am in live and I feel like I have been very generous to her with dinners, road trips, concerts, sporting events.... all things I organize and I pay for (which I don't mind honestly), but she cannot provide anything in return other than some good jokes with her sense of humor that I really like.
So to summarize, I feel like I can't be in a relationship with this girl for reasons that I am not even sure are valid so I am not sure if its just my mind messing with me or I have legit concerns here. I am starting to feel like I am becoming a dick essentially by either dragging her along or by ending this while she is in a bad state personally so I am not sure what to do now. Because we have similar interests, I would almost rather her just be my friend but I know thats not going to be possible, so Im guessing I need to break the news to her, but I don't know how I can tell her when everything else around her is just so negative.
Sorry for the long post, but if nothing else, it helps me feel better to write all that out.