Author Topic: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip  (Read 279351 times)

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Online Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #735 on: September 18, 2015, 10:48:42 AM »
I am not sure when the last time I went on a proper date was. I think it must have been 2013. I sort of had a date in July of this year, but considering we had already planned to spend the weekend together right after the date, it was more like a "Let's make sure we feel safe before having furious sex all weekend" type thing.

The last time I was on a date with a woman was even longer ago. Actually, I do not know if I have ever been on a proper date with a woman. I'm really not the dating or relationship type of person, and not sure why I'm even trying to do this. Most of the times I have had sex, I had just met the guy at a bar, and sometimes we didn't even leave the bar to have sex. Sorry if that's too much information... just saying, I'm clueless about what to do.

And I know this is going to sound like a really cliché joke, but who's supposed to pay? I honestly don't even know.

My girlfriend (our two year anniversary is next week) paid on our first date. She excused herself to go to the bathroom and she slipped our waitress her credit card on the way. I didn't expect that. I was happy and gladly excepted as our we had already scheduled date #2 for the following night at a much more expensive place  :lol

Notwithstanding Chino's story (which is excellent, by the way) etiquette is the asker pays for the first date.   Absent that, it's less clear, but I would offer to pay the tab or at least offer to split (though I personally would offer to pay the whole thing and have the conversation about it).  The worst thing you can do is a) leave the table after the meal to go to the bathroom unless you're planning awesome like Chino's date, and b) argue over the check.   If you offer to pay half and they insist on paying the whole thing, let them.  If you at least offer to pay half and the other person is arguing the other way, they are a tool and you want nothing to do with them.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #736 on: September 18, 2015, 12:31:04 PM »
It never ends well if the guy doesn't want to pay his half.  I've heard storys from enough women to know that is usually where things end and it makes sense, no one wants to be with someone who can't even take care of themselves.

Offline Sub Luna Vitrea

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #737 on: September 18, 2015, 01:27:19 PM »
I ended up paying and she left the tip. She had insisted on paying, but I just figured that being 7 years older than her and knowing so much more about the world, I should probably pay, because even if I'm more broke, I shouldn't be.

It was a great opportunity to talk to her about the things I was passionate about... she had a lot of questions about me, seemed to find me very interesting, and I was happy to indulge her... it always helps when both people are trans, because the conversation manages to go beyond questions like "WTF is a trans?"

That said, I am pretty convinced now that I do not like girls.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #738 on: September 18, 2015, 01:36:31 PM »
That said, I am pretty convinced now that I do not like girls.

Well, that's the point of dating, to figure out what you like (and hopefully have fun in the process).

Offline Sub Luna Vitrea

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #739 on: September 18, 2015, 03:39:25 PM »
Funny thing is I was supposed to have figured this out a long time ago... every once in a while, though, I have to ask myself again, "Do I like girls?"

Offline sylvan

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #740 on: September 19, 2015, 12:20:11 AM »
I just had a first date with someone cool. Good chemistry, good conversation, overlapping similarities. I didnt necessrily expect it to go so smoothly, but the age/generation gap wasnt there. It was interesting because she's a therapist, and I'm a very open person that's very curious about people in general, so our conversation was very open. I felt like she was as, or more, interested in me than anyone else I've been out with recently. I can talk a lot, which she noticed but didn't mind. I think she was happy to sit with someone that could talk. It felt like an easy four hours. I said I had a great time, but didn't say anything about doing it again. It just feels hollow to me lately, like a stock thing I should say, she says sure that's sounds fun, but then who really knows what's gonna happen. But I do, I think we will, and I'm sure gonna try.

And here's where things could get tricky. I'm scheduling a third date with someone else, something active like hiking or the beach. I like this person, and I have no idea what's gonna happen with girl2. I don't wanna keep anybody "on the hook", but I don't think it's at that point. I guess I just need to let things play out. If I keep seeing both, I imagine I'll lean one way.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #741 on: September 19, 2015, 01:44:57 AM »
Yeah, don't worry about that right now- those things tend to work themselves out. Yay for a good date  :D

I'm considering temporarily deactivating my OKC account. It's just getting annoying, all the messages. I guess I could just ignore them all, but I'm not sure I'd be able to.

On a different note, earlier I was thinking about a conversation I had with that dude on our date Wednesday. We were talking about relationships and why we both like not being really deep/serious with one person. We were talking about jealousy and he said he doesn't really experience it because the way he sees it, he can't offer a girl everything. He's not into sports or the oudoors, so if she has somebody else to do that stuff with, awesome. I agree. If a guy I'm seeing also likes girls who are super girly or who smoke a lot of pot or like to go fishing, let him date another girl who's into those things- I'm not going to pretend to be.
I also mentioned the burdens of putting all your eggs in one basket with relationships, and why I don't like it. I don't like that type of responsibility being put on me, and I don't like who I am when I'm putting it on somebody else. He said that when he's with one person he becomes "a bottomless pit... and not in the good way"  :lol
And I totally get that. The guy I was dating up until June, he felt like a bottomless pit. He relied on me for his happiness, and I was not comfortable with that. He would even say things like "I feel so much better about myself because of you," and I really didn't like that. Really that's just saying "I have shitty self-esteem, but because you're into me I feel better about myself... and you need to keep making me feel that way."  :|

So the point is, I like where I'm at right now. I date a few people, I don't see any of them too often, and I get lots of Jackietime. I don't want to be too serious with anybody, I don't want to see anybody daily or live with them or any of that stuff. I just wanna do me and I want them to do them, and when we hang out it's awesome, then we both go back to our lives. When I start to get too invested in one person I don't really like the person I become. Not to mention what happened the last time I REALLY threw myself into one person (who ended up being engaged but didn't tell me and was a total fucked up manipulator and, later, meth addict).
Oh Jackie, always jumping to the most homoerotic possibility.

Offline Sub Luna Vitrea

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #742 on: September 19, 2015, 02:32:48 AM »
I'm considering temporarily deactivating my OKC account. It's just getting annoying, all the messages. I guess I could just ignore them all, but I'm not sure I'd be able to.

I've been feeling similarly. Not sure it's worth wading through all that for the occasional OK date. Better to just go out into the world and meet people.

Dating feels so unnatural, so artificial, so pretentious. It feels like an imitation of The Spectacle... and that sort of thing really bothers me when I feel like I'm playing into it.
« Last Edit: September 19, 2015, 03:34:59 AM by Sub Luna Vitrea »

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #743 on: September 19, 2015, 07:27:33 AM »
Women really do have a completely different experience with OKC.

Bottomline, you do you and you shouldn't let another person change that, good for you for sticking to that and being open about it.

It felt like an easy four hours.

Just like a great epic song feels shorter in time, a great date feels so quick and easy when its over.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #744 on: September 19, 2015, 09:32:54 AM »
Two thoughts on two different things on this page:

1) The guy should offer to pay first in a hetero date.  If the person who has been offered to pay for (the woman in my example) isn't interested in a second date, they should offer to pay their half (we can't be meal tickets).  However, offering to split shouldn't necessarily mean "I'm not interested in another date", and whether to split or let the other pay really depends on the total situation.

2) Ladies - since you get so much crap from douchebags on dating sites, I would suggest you message a guy that catches your interest first.  It allows you to filter the sea for what you are looking for, and you will likely get a response because we don't get the booty call requests (at least I don't) and other crap messages.
     

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #745 on: September 19, 2015, 10:12:52 AM »
Yeah to point 2 ^

I'm just sick of chasing women round, because (I dunno it's because of all the douches they get messages from or that they aren't interested) there's never a reply or if there is just awful vague replies with no emotion, I'm just sick of it.

Yeah it would seem that women have a completely different experience, it's a catch 22 situation, Women rarely approach first as they get approached and guys don't get approached so they approach  :lol

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #746 on: September 20, 2015, 09:45:27 AM »
My bbq was so much fun and just really made me feel like this girl is special.  She came in and just mixed right in with my friends and family.  We had a blast and I couldn't spend so much time with her in the beginning but as it got later and people started to leave we got to enjoy each other's company.  I feel so good about her and where this is leading. 

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #747 on: September 20, 2015, 10:24:35 AM »
 :D
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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #748 on: September 20, 2015, 03:21:03 PM »
A few weeks ago, I talked about a girl that I had gone on a couple of dates with. Well, I went to a dance last Friday and she was there. We danced a few times and while there aren't any major developments from last time, I still feel really good about it.
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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #749 on: September 20, 2015, 03:32:40 PM »
An online friend offered to buy me a ticket to Florida with the intent of having a fun little vacation. I would like to go to Florida, especially over the Winter...

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #750 on: September 21, 2015, 03:17:04 AM »
I find that whole conversation about paying for meals on dates fascinating. I guess there's a huge different in cultures in the US and Sweden? I would never in a million years pay for the whole meal with someone on the first dates. Off course we'll split it! I'm not even going to suggest otherwise and if she so much as suggested I should pay for it just because I'm the guy, she's probably a douche.

Off course, this doesn't apply if for example it was her birthday or some kind of occasion, that goes without saying. But if it's a regular meal with two, grown-up human beings, living in an equal society it's a no brainer for me - we split the tab.



As for staying on topic: I've been single now for a little over six months now after a two year relationsship. The breakup turned out to really devastate me, so I've been really avoiding meeting new people. But I feel now it's time so I've begun to talk to a few different people on dating sites, so we'll see how that goes. I almost feel like I've forgotten how to be flirty. :lol
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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #751 on: September 21, 2015, 07:16:38 AM »
My bbq was so much fun and just really made me feel like this girl is special.  She came in and just mixed right in with my friends and family.  We had a blast and I couldn't spend so much time with her in the beginning but as it got later and people started to leave we got to enjoy each other's company.  I feel so good about her and where this is leading.

You tied up mom in the closet, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU???

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #752 on: September 21, 2015, 07:19:54 AM »
An online friend offered to buy me a ticket to Florida with the intent of having a fun little vacation. I would like to go to Florida, especially over the Winter...

I'm not your Dad, and it's not my business, but ... be careful.   Please.   That to me would sound too good to be true, and there are far too many examples of things that sound too good to be true usually turning out that way.   

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #753 on: September 21, 2015, 07:29:12 AM »
On a different note, earlier I was thinking about a conversation I had with that dude on our date Wednesday. We were talking about relationships and why we both like not being really deep/serious with one person. We were talking about jealousy and he said he doesn't really experience it because the way he sees it, he can't offer a girl everything. He's not into sports or the oudoors, so if she has somebody else to do that stuff with, awesome. I agree. If a guy I'm seeing also likes girls who are super girly or who smoke a lot of pot or like to go fishing, let him date another girl who's into those things- I'm not going to pretend to be.
I also mentioned the burdens of putting all your eggs in one basket with relationships, and why I don't like it. I don't like that type of responsibility being put on me, and I don't like who I am when I'm putting it on somebody else. He said that when he's with one person he becomes "a bottomless pit... and not in the good way"  :lol


Legit question:  is there a middle ground to that?   I mean, I totally understand that you can't really get all things from one person, and I have my things that are "mine".  I don't really need my girl to like all the music I do, since a lot of it I like to listen to alone in the car.  I don't need her to be into PlayStation, since that is part of how I decompress.   Likewise, there are things she does that I'm not interested in, and which I know I can't bring any enthusiasm or insight to.   But the notion of "being better with someone" doesn't have to mean "being reliant" on someone.  And I think (I've not thought about it consciously) I've used that as the sort of dividing line between people who are not for me, and someone who is.  I want a partnership, I want monogamy, but I don't feel like  "bottomless pit" with my wife.  I'm "better" with her but for positive reasons, not needy ones.  I get happiness from her, but I don't get MY happiness from her, if you get my distinction.   Isn't, perhaps, that the trick to finding the right person?

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #754 on: September 21, 2015, 08:43:39 AM »
Yeah, I agree on one hand but I also just don't personally want to be monogamous, so it's not quite the same. I can also be "better with" three people instead of one :P
And of course there is a middle ground, I'm just saying I've been in too many situations where it didn't work out that way. Like the one guy who would tell me I made him feel so much better about himself. This guy has shit self-esteem, and he was definitely basing his self-worth on the fact that he was in a relationship, which is highly problematic to me. Having a girlfriend doesn't make your problems go away, and if that's the only thing you're basing your happiness on, things aren't going to end too well. I'm not saying monogamy in general makes one a bottomless pit, but maybe certain people/personalities have the tendency to get that way when they put all their eggs in one basket. Or maybe certain people are okay with that kind of arrangement (lots of creepy codependent relationships out there, I think we can all agree). I'm just not.
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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #755 on: September 21, 2015, 09:20:41 AM »
My bbq was so much fun and just really made me feel like this girl is special.  She came in and just mixed right in with my friends and family.  We had a blast and I couldn't spend so much time with her in the beginning but as it got later and people started to leave we got to enjoy each other's company.  I feel so good about her and where this is leading.

You tied up mom in the closet, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU???

lol either I was too drunk to notice or my mom was on very good behavior.

An online friend offered to buy me a ticket to Florida with the intent of having a fun little vacation. I would like to go to Florida, especially over the Winter...

I'm not your Dad, and it's not my business, but ... be careful.   Please.   That to me would sound too good to be true, and there are far too many examples of things that sound too good to be true usually turning out that way.   

Im with Stadler here, just be careful if you have never met this person.  I've done weekend trips with people I've met online and I thought that was borderline too far for someone I hardly knew, that was a bit of "living on the edge" as I felt, but my risk taking is not terribly high.  I would be scared to fly somewhere to meet someone for the first time, but you didn't specify if it was a first time meet up, just online friend so maybe its all good.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #756 on: September 21, 2015, 10:49:37 AM »
Yeah, I agree on one hand but I also just don't personally want to be monogamous, so it's not quite the same. I can also be "better with" three people instead of one :P
And of course there is a middle ground, I'm just saying I've been in too many situations where it didn't work out that way. Like the one guy who would tell me I made him feel so much better about himself. This guy has shit self-esteem, and he was definitely basing his self-worth on the fact that he was in a relationship, which is highly problematic to me. Having a girlfriend doesn't make your problems go away, and if that's the only thing you're basing your happiness on, things aren't going to end too well. I'm not saying monogamy in general makes one a bottomless pit, but maybe certain people/personalities have the tendency to get that way when they put all their eggs in one basket. Or maybe certain people are okay with that kind of arrangement (lots of creepy codependent relationships out there, I think we can all agree). I'm just not.

I'm sorry; I didn't mean to imply that "monogamy" was the be all and end all.  That's just what I was looking for at this time.  Obviously, unless my math skills are off, if monogamy is not your thing (and no judgment if it isn't), one partner isn't going to cut it.  :) 

I was going more towards the "esteem" side of things.  I think we're not far apart in our thinking: I tend to think there are a LOT of needy people out there, and I know for me, while I'm compassionate, I'm not really here to be the basket for someone else to hold their problems in.  I was just trying to ask about whether you thought it was possible to walk that line between "being better with a partner" (good, in my opinion) and "relying on your partner for your self-worth and happiness" (bad, in my opinion).  It sounded a little like you might have thought it was a slippery slope and wasn't that realistic to think that. 

Offline TioJorge

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #757 on: September 21, 2015, 11:53:52 AM »
One of my AA friends put it in a really obscure yet oh so appropriate way that I've seen so many of my past friends exhibit (and some women...but mostly men who love to be down on themselves): "That girl and relationship is not your higher power, don't treat it or her as such." It seemed a blown out of proportion comment to me at first but when I really thought about it...some guys totally do that. Like Jackie said, if a person has low enough self-esteem, that whole BS of "you make me feel so much better about myself" isn't actually about the other person in the relationship, it's about Mr. I'm-So-Down-On-Me and the fact that he (again, or she) feels better because he thinks that he's now somehow better because of the relationship itself (or going further for some friends I used to have, because they feel more manly/confident/egotistical simply because of the fact that a girl is into them...not because of the girl herself...because of the existence of a relationship at all).

Just my own personal experiences so no one take this to heart, please. But I can definitely see how that'd be problematic, and from what I've seen, it almost always is. As they say, you gotta do it for yourself (whatever it is...getting better from health issues, self-esteem issues, any issue at all, really) and not for what the other person wants from or for you and certainly not because the relationship makes you feel like you have a purpose. As a teen I never got this concept and thought "Well, if the relationship makes me feel better about myself, so what"? Well...the so what is that...it's hollow and meaningless. If a relationship is your sustenence for your own self worth...something is fucking wrong. Some deeper issue that should be resolved through personal introspection and not inside of her pussy.

Sorry...totally went off on a tangent there. I've been dealing with some seriously skewed people recently on top of making some big changes in my life. Now that I'm doing shit for me, it's tough for me to not get holier-than-thou sometimes and I need to remind myself that I was once there. It's just tough when you're talking to a guy that's 10 years older than myself and he's dealing with issues I dealt with when I was in highschool... Eh. To each their own. Life experiences happen at a different point for us all but it's extra annoying when said life experiences usually happen around the formative years, not a mid-life-crisis.  :lol I'm absolutely ecstatic to be single right now and to be able to concentrate solely on myself and my own issues, which are as vast as the god damn universe, and that is infinitely more difficult to deal with when a relationship gets between all of that (rather for me, it's impossible, in every sense of the word). It's nice to read people's experiences with others and that some of the guys I'm sponsoring are having very similar issues. I've always told anyone that is having any kind of crisis and they're casually dating...focus on yourself before you even attempt an actual relationship because it's going to be like juggling a thousand things with one arm; again, for myself it'd be like having no arms. No one needs that kind of stress or to put themselves in that situation.

Again, apologies on the random long thoughts.  :lol Men have a hard time grasping that some fucking solitude doesn't always equate to loneliness. You don't always have to be knee deep in pussy or gallivanting around like you're 20 when you're nearing 40. Dating? Okay, if you don't have a plethora of personal issues and/or if you feel like it won't hinder personal growth. Acting like the super cool dudes on Jersey Shore? It's time for a wake up call.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #758 on: September 21, 2015, 02:37:30 PM »
Well, the important point to remember is that it is like touching a hot stove.   You can tell someone until you're blue in the face "don't touch that; it's HOT!" but dammit, until they actually do touch it, they're never going to really know.   You just sort of have to hope they don't mash their hand down on it so bad it sticks to the griddle.

For me, I don't equate "single" with "alone"; well documented that I prefer - even now, married - doing certain things alone.  I am in no hurry to "convert" her to my music, so many concerts are a solo affair, and I am ready willing and able to go see Star Wars: The Force Awakens by myself.   

But for me, while I am painfully conscious to not use her to SOLVE my problems, sometimes having a sympathetic partner to ground me while I solve my own problems is helpful.  She can facilitate the solution without actually BEING the solution.  Kind of like a cast while you have a broken arm.   I AM better with her than without, but that doesn't mean I can't survive without her.  It just means that we have both contributed to each other's personal growth.  That's what I was referring to.


There is also the mythology of this.  We live in a society of "You complete me!", and that doesn't help things.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #759 on: September 21, 2015, 03:05:18 PM »
There is also the mythology of this.  We live in a society of "You complete me!", and that doesn't help things.

Maybe the new wording should be "you complement me"

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #760 on: September 21, 2015, 03:15:09 PM »
Great analogy!  :lol Love it. True enough, you really can't expect anyone to think logically while they're in the midst of that honeymoon, lovesick dilemma till, as you said, they figure it out the hard way.

Right, there's definitely a 's/he makes me a better person' aspect that can be great, but the whole 'you complete me' thing is spot on. It really irks me to no end when people say they can't live without another person. I get it, I get the meaning behind it...it's still annoying.  :laugh:

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #761 on: September 22, 2015, 11:57:35 PM »
Yes, exactly. All of what Jorge said is pretty much how I feel. Stadler, I guess I meant in some cases it can be a slippery slope but definitely not all. I agree that you can totally be better with somebody in a relationship as long as, like you said, you're not expecting that person to solve all of your problems and whatnot.

I'm also in that place where I have so much of my own shit to work on that I have no interest in a deep/serious relationship. Because I know I can't bring a lot to it. I don't have the time or energy and I'm carrying a lot of baggage that doesn't need to be dumped on somebody else. This goes for monogamous or otherwise. I know plenty of people who are polyamorous who have several serious and committed relationships. Like my one friend who is married, then also has a girlfriend he spends a ton of time with, and has some other people he sees here and there as well. I don't even want that kind of arrangement right now (and am not sure I ever will- it's a lot of fucking work). I just want to do me, work on my own shit, and when I want to go on a date I have that option but without the "commitment" part of it. There's no expectation that we have to see each other a certain amount or owe each other anything. At some point in the future I may very well feel differently and want a bit more, but right now I think it's a bad idea.

Tonight I saw one guy that I only see maybe once a month because he's in school and I'm super busy, but when we hang it's like no time has passed and we have a blast. I dig that.
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Offline JayOctavarium

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #762 on: September 23, 2015, 01:50:12 AM »
That moment when you  come home to find that the person youve been striving to fix things with is out with another guy and you're left alone to your own depression and alcohol


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I just don't understand what they were trying to achieve with any part of the song, either individually or as a whole. You know what? It's the Platypus of Dream Theater songs. That bill doesn't go with that tail, or that strange little furry body, or those webbed feet, and oh god why does it have venomous spurs!? And then you find out it lays eggs too. The difference is that the Platypus is somehow functional despite being a crazy mishmash or leftover animal pieces

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #763 on: September 23, 2015, 04:23:50 AM »
you're left alone to your own depression and alcohol


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I don't know if you are joking or not, but I think the best attitude people can develop towards alcohol is to never drink alone.  Alcohol is only a solution in chemistry class.
     

Offline JayOctavarium

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #764 on: September 23, 2015, 04:31:07 AM »
I usually drink alone. At least getting full fledged drunk.

Honeslty the last time I drank was social... it was the drunkest Ive ever been (except for maybe right now), and I actually enjoyed myself.  It was actually the first time since my 21st bday I got drunk socially. 

Usually its like tonight, Depressed and alone. I killed off every bottle of liquor in the house.
I just don't understand what they were trying to achieve with any part of the song, either individually or as a whole. You know what? It's the Platypus of Dream Theater songs. That bill doesn't go with that tail, or that strange little furry body, or those webbed feet, and oh god why does it have venomous spurs!? And then you find out it lays eggs too. The difference is that the Platypus is somehow functional despite being a crazy mishmash or leftover animal pieces

-BlobVanDam on "Scarred"

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #765 on: September 23, 2015, 06:11:29 AM »
Jay, that is not a good thing.  I wont lie, I've drank alone before on many occasions.  Drinking does not solve your problems, in fact, it does nothing to even help with your problems other than give you a moment of good feeling which will quickly fade and leave you feeling worse when it's over.  I don't want to preach or anything, but I think you need to look at your situation differently.  Seeing the person you love or like or have put a lot of effort into go off with someone else hurts, a lot.  Coming home and drinking it away won't lead to her coming back nor will it lead to you being in a better position to get her back or to find someone else.  It takes time, money, and energy to get drunk, if you put those resources into something else like working out (which helps get your mind off things and ease stress) then you are more likely to come out on top at the end.  It's ridiculously tough to change your mind set, but you can do it and I think you will be happier if you did.  Oh, and this is coming from a guy who was so depressed with his last relationship that I drank alone almost every night on a 3 week business trip last year and ended up with a DUI and a night in LA jail resulting in over 80 hours of AA, group therapy, and counseling where I learned a lot about how alcohol does not solve any problems.  I learned my lesson, hopefully you can figure this out before you go down a slippery slope.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #766 on: September 23, 2015, 06:30:43 AM »
I will say this, you just got the news and I get drinking that immediate pain.  When it becomes a daily routine because of the pain then that's the problem.

Hang in their my friend.
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Offline Jarlaxle

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #767 on: September 23, 2015, 07:42:25 AM »
Great analogy!  :lol Love it. True enough, you really can't expect anyone to think logically while they're in the midst of that honeymoon, lovesick dilemma till, as you said, they figure it out the hard way.

Right, there's definitely a 's/he makes me a better person' aspect that can be great, but the whole 'you complete me' thing is spot on. It really irks me to no end when people say they can't live without another person. I get it, I get the meaning behind it...it's still annoying.  :laugh:

I'd like to add to this...when I met my current girlfriend I definitely had a "I feel better about myself" phase. Prior to meeting her I was going through a very hard time (death of my brother, ex cheated on me soon after) and was not in a good place. I had taken almost 2 years to figure all of that out, and had made really big strides, and then met my girlfriend. I felt better about myself because it seemed like validation that I had put in the time to make myself a better person and comfortable with who I am, so in that sense I don't think that feeling was hollow or anything, but actually beneficial.

Now, I wouldn't say "you complete me" or Anything like that because I'm my own person now, and though I love her I have the tools to go it on my own now if things were to sour for some reason or another. Meeting her was something that I didn't realize I needed I guess because it proved to me that I was on the right path in my "recovery."

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #768 on: September 23, 2015, 08:40:26 AM »
I usually drink alone. At least getting full fledged drunk.

Honeslty the last time I drank was social... it was the drunkest Ive ever been (except for maybe right now), and I actually enjoyed myself.  It was actually the first time since my 21st bday I got drunk socially. 

Usually its like tonight, Depressed and alone. I killed off every bottle of liquor in the house.
As other have said, I can totally understand and relate taking to the bottle when you get such news. I've done the exact same thing. But take GREAT care not to let it become a habit. It will make you more depressed and it will in turn make the bottle seems even more an attractive "solution". It's a bad spiral you don't want to get caught in.
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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #769 on: September 23, 2015, 08:47:31 AM »
By the way, a question to everybody who's ever been dumped: did you ever get completely over your exes?

What I mean is - if you're the one to break off a relationsship, you've probably already stopped loving your partner but if your partner breaks up unexpectely with you, it seems so much harder. And for me, even close to impossible.

Both my exes broke up with me because their feelings just went away. And as pathetic as it may sound, I still love both of them and would go back to any of them in a heartbeat were any of them to take me back. And I can't see me ever getting completely over any of them.

With my first ex, I just sort of...stopped thinking about her. But I never stopped loving her, if that makes any sense. It didn't stop me from being able to have a second super happy relationsship with another person and I would certainly never have left her for my first ex. But yeah...I cant see me ever just stop loving someone.
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