Author Topic: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip  (Read 279428 times)

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Offline TioJorge

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #525 on: July 29, 2015, 07:33:10 PM »
Not to go too off-topic, but have you seen Enemy? It's a completely trippy, creepy, insane movie that will have you reeling in the best way possible if you like movies like Nightcrawler. By the end, I literally had my arms up in the "what the fuck!?" pose and yelling at my monitor "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?". It's great. Still don't get it in the slightest, but great.  :lol

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Offline FlyingBIZKIT

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #526 on: July 29, 2015, 07:34:13 PM »
Not to go too off-topic, but have you seen Enemy? It's a completely trippy, creepy, insane movie that will have you reeling in the best way possible if you like movies like Nightcrawler. By the end, I literally had my arms up in the "what the fuck!?" pose and yelling at my monitor "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?". It's great. Still don't get it in the slightest, but great.  :lol

Alright, back to the circle jerk.

Yes, dude Enemy is one of my favorite movies. I just saw it about a month ago. It's a mindfuck for sure.



Okay back on topic, lonely hearts.

Offline DebraKadabra

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #527 on: July 29, 2015, 10:37:10 PM »
Still firmly in the LHC, but I had a pretty important revelation about myself last week--I believe that I had been blocking myself from finding someone with qualities similar to my father (it's been said that the person/people you fall in and stay in love with have similar qualities with the parent you identify with the most) because I felt I deserved people who share qualities with she who calls herself my mother. It was kind of shocking, but not really surprising tbh.
 
I've been talking with a fair amount of men folk, but nothing's really come of it. I have taken the opportunity to go out a little more - I have 3 very good gal friends who I also work with, and we go out to eat once a month to a restaurant none of us have ever been to. We've had a total blast so far, and July's get-together (which was last Saturday) prompted talk of the four of us getting a blog together to dish over our dining experiences. I'm probably going to be the one setting that up since I'm the most tech-savvy of the group LOL  :biggrin:
 
Really just taking some down time and trying to work some stuff out of my head that's been there for way too long.

Offline Cedar redaC

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #528 on: July 29, 2015, 11:35:13 PM »
I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.
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Offline cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #529 on: July 30, 2015, 05:54:31 AM »
Debra, good for you for getting out more.  I think that's important when you are in the LHC. 

I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.

This sounds surreal to me, like something from a movie in the 60s.  If a girl can stick around for you that long and write you snail mail, that says something.  I can't keep a girl when I go on two week business trips while still being in contact the entire time.


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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #530 on: July 30, 2015, 07:25:06 AM »
Debra, good for you for getting out more.  I think that's important when you are in the LHC. 

I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.

This sounds surreal to me, like something from a movie in the 60s.  If a girl can stick around for you that long and write you snail mail, that says something.  I can't keep a girl when I go on two week business trips while still being in contact the entire time.

I'm honestly curious about that; why do you think that is?   

Offline cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #531 on: July 30, 2015, 07:38:49 AM »
Debra, good for you for getting out more.  I think that's important when you are in the LHC. 

I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.

This sounds surreal to me, like something from a movie in the 60s.  If a girl can stick around for you that long and write you snail mail, that says something.  I can't keep a girl when I go on two week business trips while still being in contact the entire time.

I'm honestly curious about that; why do you think that is?

Could be many things, but none of those were relationships, just a girl I was seeing and usually not for a long time.  I figure it is because if I am not actually physically there then their interest lessens.  From conversing on these trips, I usually don't notice anything different other than talking a bit less due to time zone changes.  I wouldn't be surprised if some of these girls had another guy they were also seeing/talking to and me being away leaves them going for the other guy instead.  Really just guesses.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #532 on: July 30, 2015, 08:29:29 PM »
I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.

Time to buy the magic underwear  ;D
     

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #533 on: August 03, 2015, 06:16:58 PM »
Okay, I need to vent. This is going to be super long so I don't expect anybody to read it, but I just needed to get it out because I have nobody to talk to at the moment.

So I broke things off with that guy back in early June. We had one talk after that where it became clear to me that he had the wrong idea about the situation (he was talking about "fighting" for me and all this other stuff, but things had fizzled out long before I ended it)... then we saw each other at my birthday party (it was awkward) and he wrote me that letter (which was awkward to read). I decided rather than replying to him in print (it felt more like he was just trying to get closure than expecting a letter in response), I would just send him a text thanking him for sharing his feelings in it. He thanked me for reaching out and said we should have a sit-down when I was ready. Then he said "I know I said when you're ready, but it would help me if it was sooner rather than later."  :\
I asked him why (because we'd already had two sit-downs and he wrote me a fucking closure letter) and he said because he still had a few questions and we also still had books that belonged to each other. So I agreed to meet with him for a short period, even though I didn't really want to or think it was necessary and felt like I was being guilted into it. Turns out he was feeling insecure because of some shit I posted on Facebook that had literally ZERO to do with him. He also shared that he was still clinging onto the hope that I just needed some time and would come back (which sounded like he was trying to bait me), but I shot that down. We left that talk on good terms saying that we wanted to still be friends but it would be a while and we both needed space. A week or so later he texted saying he thought I still had a book of his (I had looked for it but couldn't find it initially), and it turns out I did, so that was that. We never set up a time for an exchange to take place, but I had figured I could bring it to the video store sometime (that's where he works/where we met).

So, fast-forward to this past Friday night. Out of the blue he texts me "Just a heads up, I'm working ____'s usual shift tomorrow."
Me: "Okay?"
Him: "I just figured you might want to know in case you were thinking of stopping by. Didn't want you to be unpleasantly surprised."

This rubbed me the wrong way for multiple reasons. First of all, we're fucking adults, dude. You don't need to text me your fucking work schedule. We're broken up. I've only been to the store a few times in the last couple months because I've been busy and I moved farther away from it, but I will admit that I have considered his schedule and avoided making things awkward. However, I thought we had laid shit to rest and were good. If I show up when he's working, the world isn't going to explode. Plus I have his book, and we're not hanging out anytime soon.
Also, this text felt very much like he was projecting his own shit onto me and saying he didn't want me there when he was working. I was busy (and a bit tipsy) when I got the message Friday and had a crazy busy weekend so I didn't really have time to think about it, but this morning when I had time to reflect on things, I was pissed- for the aforementioned reasons, and also because I don't want him fucking texting me every time his schedule changes. That's just absurd. So I decided not to let it go and texted him this morning. I told him I thought it was a weird text to send, that it made me uncomfortable and that it seemed like he just didn't want me at the store. He said "You've obviously avoided coming in when I'm there. Yeah, seeing you at work isn't good for me right now, but it was said out of genuine concern of not wanting you to have an undue surprise at my presence."

Bull-fucking-shit, "genuine concern"- maybe for himself.
I went off on him a bit and told him not to tell me what I've "obviously" done, that I didn't want him to notify me when his schedule changes, that I haven't been going to the store nearly as much since I moved (I also threw something snippy in here about how he knows that because he's apparently keeping track of when I come into the store) and have been thinking about canceling my subscription anyway, so he didn't have to worry about me coming in. (I admit that there was a nugget of truth in there and that was partially what set me off, but I mostly just felt like he was full of shit and being melodramatic. Also I was a bit weirded out by him acting like he knew when I was in the store, because in the past if I came in when he wasn't working he would pull up my rental history and know what I rented before I told him, shit like that.)

He then clearly misunderstood some of what I said and wrote some self-pitying crap about him grieving, and me making him feel guilty and putting a lot of blame on him that he doesn't deserve.

I tried to clarify the thing he misunderstood and said I was responding to him saying I was "obviously" avoiding him (which wasn't really the case, not at this point) and couldn't he understand why it might hit a nerve to be told by somebody else that you're "obviously" doing something without them ever asking or trying to clarify?

He said "Do you really want me out of your life?"

I said "I think we're having two different conversations," because his last two texts didn't make sense in the context.

He then tried to clarify what he meant, still not understanding what I had meant (this is why texting is stupid). He said I was being hostile, that he felt attacked and hurt by what I said. I told him he needed to go back and re-read what I had written, because he was missing what I had been trying to say (I used the word "done" in a totally different context, and he thought I thought he said we were "done"- I have honestly no idea where he got it from, maybe he wasn't fully awake yet but if I typed out all of the texts you guys would see what I mean).
I said I wasn't being hostile, I was being direct, and I told him I thought it was silly for him to text me his schedule change, and that I didn't want him to do that.
Then I got the ultimate victim response: "Man, you jumped on me with this before I had my first cigarette. If you wanted to be direct, you had two days to do it before you decided to bring it up right when I'd just be waking up. This is a horrible start to a day. I feel ambushed."

Really? Ambushed? How the FUCK am I supposed to know when he wakes up, and when he's had his first cigarette? What in the actual fuck? How fucking self-centered and deluded does a person have to be? I mean, I knew he was kind of a man-child in some ways, but really? Like this was some plot against him, for me to tell him how I felt about something and RUIN HIS DAY. I basically said the above in my response, and told him I didn't have time to respond to him over the weekend, also that sometimes things take longer to process and there's no time limit to be able to reply to somebody. I had time to think about it this morning, I was feeing a certain way, so I put it out there. I told him he could choose to feel ambushed and act like a victim or be an adult and own up to the fact that he said something that rubbed me the wrong way, and that I have the right to respond to it. I told him it doesn't have to be a big melodrama, and it's not all about him.

I know that some of the things I said were abrasive, but IMO none of it warranted the melodramatic whining spectacle that followed. Really all I wanted was an "Okay, I can see how you might find that weird. I was trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation, but I won't text you my work schedule again." It was the "obviously" thing that set me off- why did it have to go there? If I believed he had "genuine" concern for my feelings in the matter it might be different, but I honestly don't think he does, based on many of his actions and his inability to see things outside of his own little bubble. The fact that he brought his cigarette and sleep schedule into this says a lot, I think. It's all about him.

He never really apologized (he rarely does) but said he didn't mean to upset me, I thanked him and we left it at that.

Blah, I dunno, I just needed to get that out.

tl:dr: I argued with my ex about stupid shit and maybe we won't be friends after all.
Oh Jackie, always jumping to the most homoerotic possibility.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #534 on: August 03, 2015, 06:32:03 PM »
Cut the cord.  He'll be happy in time.
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Offline TioJorge

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #535 on: August 03, 2015, 06:37:26 PM »
That sounds like a big, juicy shit sandwich, lady! I've very rarely been friends with exes after a breakup; I've only had one that was just kinda like "Yeah, we're not working as a couple, but we still keep good company so let's keep bein' friends". It was most of the time that weirdly forced, like almost obligatory "Oh yeah, let's still be friends" bullshit. I just don't think that once that kind of degrading begins, if it does, the one where the fighting is a huge debacle like that (usually, in my experience anyway, over mundane things), that two people can't really go back and just pretend that they haven't been through all that shit.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #536 on: August 03, 2015, 10:16:26 PM »
See, I am friendly with most of my exes. We're not close, but there is really only one I can think of that I would never ever interact with unless I was forced. I know it would take time for us to get to that point, if we ever do, but I think our common interests, etc. could lead to a friendship in the future (he is pretty close with at least one ex that I know of so I know he's not the type to just burn all bridges unless she's a psycho). However, his overdramatizing the situation is not helping. I wish he could just let it be and let things happen naturally rather than doing shit like what he did. I'm definitely just not going to communicate with him right now. Debating the whole Facebook thing.
Oh Jackie, always jumping to the most homoerotic possibility.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #537 on: August 03, 2015, 11:23:03 PM »
Dude best watch himself, bad shit happens to those who cross Jackie...

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Offline cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #538 on: August 04, 2015, 05:30:58 AM »
Cut the cord.  He'll be happy in time.

This.  Sounds like he was really hurt in the break up and is just doing anything he can told onto something.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #539 on: August 04, 2015, 05:45:11 AM »
He said I was being hostile, that he felt attacked and hurt by what I said.

Couldn't help not replying.  Hahaha.

Couple things struck me when reading that; he strikes me as a very immature person.   Smart, smart enough to know the buzzwords and technique ("I'm feeling attacked") but not smart enough or mature enough to apply those appropriately to himself.   Everything you wrote that he said was about him.  Not one mention of ever being in any way truly aware of your feelings.

His "closure" is not your problem.  Personally (and I've discussed this with my therapist in the past; we sort of see eye-to-eye on this), "closure" is like "the journey"; a buzzword thrown out by people who don't know what the fuck they are talking about.  He may be trying for closure, but the prolonged contact and continued misreading of the situation (by him) isn't "closing" anything.  If it was me, I would stop trying to be a nice person and rip the bandaid; no contact as long as it is going to be this draining, futile back and forth that is only feeding his misconception of the world around him.   He may be a very nice guy, but he is clearly on a different page than you (and the disjointed texts are just a metaphoric indication of that) and it's not your job to correct his misconception.  Maybe you can have a better relationship when he grows up a little.

(My daughter and I were watching the last season of "Big Brother" [Derek won] and every time someone got voted off they talked about the "journey", and finally I said to her, "the journey?  Only losers talk about the journey.  Watch at the end, I bet you a One Direction CD that the winnder doesn't mention anything about a "journey".  Sure enough, Derek wins, and pffft.  No mention of any "journey".) 

Offline cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #540 on: August 04, 2015, 05:51:44 AM »
Good point about "closure"  I often feel like this is a term used by the dumped to continue talking to the dumper.  My x did this constantly after we finally broke up.  Always wanting "closure" even though I had spent over a year talking to her about why the relationship would never work and why I was unhappy.  At some point there just isn't anymore to talk about and there cannot be anymore "closure" but just move on. 

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #541 on: August 04, 2015, 06:20:25 AM »
The need for closure is nothing more than people's inability to cope with reality.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #542 on: August 04, 2015, 06:25:44 AM »
The need for closure is nothing more than people's inability to cope with reality.

Yet the other needs to cut the cord so there is no hope so the person can move on.  Well, that's for most.  Some can be friends.  I for one couldn't.  I wanted to rip off that bandaid right away.
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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #543 on: August 04, 2015, 04:21:48 PM »
Dude best watch himself, bad shit happens to those who cross Jackie...


 :rollin

Judas!

Cut the cord.  He'll be happy in time.

This.  Sounds like he was really hurt in the break up and is just doing anything he can told onto something.

I think that's probably an accurate conclusion. It became very clear at a certain point that he was WAY more into the relationship than I was and I knew I needed to end it because he was going to get hurt no matter what.

The need for closure is nothing more than people's inability to cope with reality.

I mostly agree with this. I think there are situations where it's great if you can get some, but then people also use it as a tactic to keep somebody around, like cram mentioned.


Couple things struck me when reading that; he strikes me as a very immature person.   Smart, smart enough to know the buzzwords and technique ("I'm feeling attacked") but not smart enough or mature enough to apply those appropriately to himself.   Everything you wrote that he said was about him.  Not one mention of ever being in any way truly aware of your feelings.

His "closure" is not your problem.  Personally (and I've discussed this with my therapist in the past; we sort of see eye-to-eye on this), "closure" is like "the journey"; a buzzword thrown out by people who don't know what the fuck they are talking about.  He may be trying for closure, but the prolonged contact and continued misreading of the situation (by him) isn't "closing" anything.  If it was me, I would stop trying to be a nice person and rip the bandaid; no contact as long as it is going to be this draining, futile back and forth that is only feeding his misconception of the world around him.   He may be a very nice guy, but he is clearly on a different page than you (and the disjointed texts are just a metaphoric indication of that) and it's not your job to correct his misconception.  Maybe you can have a better relationship when he grows up a little.


Thank you- this is very helpful and true. He is a very intelligent, "book smart" kind of person but he is very emotionally immature. Quite frankly I think he's been coddled a shit-ton and never quite grew up in that sense, probably because he lost his mom as a teen and his dad felt like he had to protect him. Who knows, but yeah... somebody who drinks as much as he does also definitely has emotional issues.
And yeah, it is definitely all about him. When we were together he made it seem like it was all about trying to make me happy, but at the same time I think that was just so HE could stay happy by staying in a relationship, yknow? He said on multiple occasions that I made him a better person and all of this stuff, but I think he just liked having somebody to distract him from his own shit.

Anyway, I think you're totally right on with this and we need to not talk for a long time. Now the question is do I just ignore him or actually send him a message saying I think we need to not be in contact? I do still have his book and I don't want to be an asshole about that, but maybe I can just leave it at the store when I know he won't be there... because yes, I am definitely avoiding his shifts now.
Oh Jackie, always jumping to the most homoerotic possibility.

Offline cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #544 on: August 04, 2015, 04:50:57 PM »
I say leave the book at the store, leave a sealed note in the book saying that there is no other reason for contact now so you would wish for him to respect that boundary for now and best of luck in the future.

Keep it simple and move on.  You shouldn't have to be dwelling on it anymore and that's what he wants you to do.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #545 on: August 04, 2015, 05:57:33 PM »
^^^ That's not what I would have come up with on first glance, but I like that better.  That may be your plan, right there!

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #546 on: August 05, 2015, 08:41:40 AM »
Yeah, that's a good idea. Thanks, guys. He is normally off on Wednesdays so I'm going to try and stop in today since I'll be in that area.

Edit: I did stop in and leave his book with the guy working. I put a simple sealed note inside just saying I think we shouldn't talk right now. I also unfriended him on Facebook. We never talk on there anyway, and less chance of him seeing something I post and thinking it's about him... again. Weird though because he's friends with my mom on there  :lol
« Last Edit: August 05, 2015, 07:48:58 PM by bout to crash »
Oh Jackie, always jumping to the most homoerotic possibility.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #547 on: August 06, 2015, 11:04:54 AM »
Before I make my long post, I just wanna say that even just reading through this discussion is therapeutic. I see myself at points in my life in some other people's tales. Good luck to everybody getting the fuck out of this terrible club sooner rather than later  :yarr

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #548 on: August 06, 2015, 11:05:59 AM »
Hey there people, long time member of the club trying to get out of it for the first time, ever. I’m 31, went on my first real date about two months ago. I think most people would be surprised by my complete lack of experience with women. I’m a personal trainer, in great shape, very smart, funny, and I have supreme confidence in everything I do in my life. Except I have crippling anxiety when it comes to approaching women with that intent. I was literally off the field and out of the game for the entirety of my 20’s. No big deal though, I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I decided to try online dating so as to remove that initial anxiety. I have no problem talking to women in general, it’s just the cold approach.

So I decided to message a woman that lives in another city about an hour away. I had no hopes or expectations, just maybe someone to talk to and if we hit it off, maybe meet somewhere in the middle. So I get a message back from her and we message online a little. Since she was not close and I had no real hopes or expectations, I took the direct and honest approach. Dating games are tough, people say they don’t want to play them but it happens anyway, why can’t people just be honest with what they’re thinking, etc. We had the quick how’d you end up on a dating site chat. I mentioned that my anxiety with approaching women comes from my not knowing what they think of me. Her response was “I’m waiting for you to ask me on a date.”  I asked her if she’s usually so forward with guys, demanding date’s and such. “No lol, I would rather the guy be assertive honestly, but you said you do not like games and want to know what I am thinking, right? So I will give you the benefit of the doubt. I felt like you might be worried about asking me, that’s why I told you I was waiting.”

The first date went great. We met for dinner, sat around for a while, then got some coffee and walked around the city. The connection felt good, we we’re both seemingly comfortable, and she even got pretty personal and vulnerable. It felt like she trusted me. As the date was ending and we were going our separate ways, we both said we had a great time, wanna do it again, and she said she wasn’t going to demand a second date, I’d have to ask this time. No guarantee, but I felt good about it. She texted me when she got home and told me she had a great time.

We talk some the next day. I tell her I had a great time and would love to do it again. Her response, “Listen I enjoyed hanging out with you... but to be honest I am worried about running into a situation again like my ex. Also, I always feel pressure like with the next date we will have to be physical in some way I am not ready for. Would you be willing to get to know each other as friends for the time being?” I ask her to elaborate, but no response. Her ex’s were apparently users who were never really fully in the relationship the way she was, and two guys took up 7 years of her life. I sent her a long message online, about how I never expected anything, and I hope I didn’t do anything to make her feel pressure in some way. I told her what I really think of her and why I’m interested in finding out more. She texts me the next day and said my message was sweet. “Maybe I am scared. I have definitely not had the easiest relationships.”

Date 2 and 3 were good. No pressure from me, but the tone of the meetings was definitely “date”. We talked more about personal things, even some sex talk. After date 3, she went to Canada for two weeks for business. She travels for business a lot. I didn’t want to bother her, so I would send an innocuous text every couple of days, but never really get responses. I hear from her on the weekend and she went into another city for some exploring. She said she would try to send me some pics, but never did. She then texts me at the end of the week that she was back. She later texts me out of no where asking if I’d ever be interested in going to this spring/cavern sometime. I said yes. I ask her on Friday if she wants to do something this weekend. She says she’s tired from traveling and wants to be a couch potato, unless I want to come down and just see a movie or something. I said sure, let’s plan something. No response. I text her on Sat to tell her I hurt my back and was laid up, so let’s chat sometime. No response. On Sunday, I decided to skip all the bs and ask if she’d be up for me coming down to her and taking her out someplace nice. I really wanted to show her what I thought of her. She says “Sorry I didn’t get back to you, I’ve been busy running errands. I would love for you to do that, but I actually leave for Canada for another two weeks tomorrow. So it might have to wait until after I return, would that be alright?” I said that’s totally alright, I get it, I just want to interact more, especially if she’s gonna be gone for weeks at a time.
Her: “I do know you want more interaction, and I am sorry. This is my job and my life right now. Until mid Sept I will be gone for two week chunks. So it makes it that much more difficult to text to know. I am sorry, I just can’t really give you that much more right now, honestly.”
Me: “I can deal with that. It just leaves me mostly uncertain about what you want.”
Her: “When I am alone, I reflect a lot about life. Last weekend I was alone in Ottawa and I realized something - that even though I have been single for 5 months I am still not ready for a relationship and maybe also not ready to date. I don’t want to hurt you, but my heart just is not ready. So if you can be friends and deal with the ambiguity of when we could see each other again then I understand and appreciate that! But if you can’t then I understand that too.”
Me: “I’ve also thought a lot. I feel like I’m in a perfectly reasonable state of mind when I say I want to find out how compatible we are. I was honest when I said I don’t wanna move fast. But, I do wanna move in a certain direction. Slow is fine, but ambiguous is tough.”

No response. I ask her if we can speak on the phone to avoid any miscommunication. No response. One last text asking her not to leave me hanging the night before she leaves for Canada for two weeks, asking her if she still feels pressure or if she expects me to use this as an easy way out. No response. I had a feeling that she might just be saying whatever to not continue seeing me without saying so much, but she did deactivate her dating profile. I have no real reason to not believe what she is saying. Other than her expressing her reservations, everything else adds up to her being into me in some way.

She’s been in Canada since Sunday, and I haven’t texted her yet. I was gonna send her a short “Hi” based text this coming weekend, something to let her know that I still want to talk to her. I’m not saying I’m in love, I don’t feel slighted or that she owes me anything, and I’m not depressed by the fact that I haven’t heard from her since then. It’s actually been easier not hearing from her because I don’t expect to hear from her. It was tough before because I expected her to want to talk to me, and found myself constantly wondering why my phone wasn’t lighting up with her text. That’s not healthy.
-How do I relay to her that I’m interested in the potential chemistry we might have and am okay with moving slowly without seeming desperate? I’m not so short sighted at this point to ignore the potential for finding what I want in the long term in favor of moving on to find someone that wants to hop in the sack.

-What’s the best way to let her know that I’m in a positive place about this? I feel like she needs to know that I’m saying what I’m saying from a place of optimism, not depression.

-When should I contact her? Now? Weekend (Saturday? Sunday?)?

-Should I send her an email? I feel like there’s so many things that need to be said, by both of us, and maybe some things that need to be heard. I think those things should be said in person, but how do I make that meeting happen? Am I in possession of a valuable piece of information that she needs to hear?

-Should I see her emotional reservations as red flags? Not so much how she feels towards me. I think she does like me, which is why she’s apprehensive. More so, are these just normal amounts of “baggage” to have, or is this a sign of emotional damage? It hasn’t felt like the latter with the way she’s opened up.

Offline cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #549 on: August 06, 2015, 11:31:26 AM »

-How do I relay to her that I’m interested in the potential chemistry we might have and am okay with moving slowly without seeming desperate? I’m not so short sighted at this point to ignore the potential for finding what I want in the long term in favor of moving on to find someone that wants to hop in the sack.

-What’s the best way to let her know that I’m in a positive place about this? I feel like she needs to know that I’m saying what I’m saying from a place of optimism, not depression.

-When should I contact her? Now? Weekend (Saturday? Sunday?)?

-Should I send her an email? I feel like there’s so many things that need to be said, by both of us, and maybe some things that need to be heard. I think those things should be said in person, but how do I make that meeting happen? Am I in possession of a valuable piece of information that she needs to hear?

-Should I see her emotional reservations as red flags? Not so much how she feels towards me. I think she does like me, which is why she’s apprehensive. More so, are these just normal amounts of “baggage” to have, or is this a sign of emotional damage? It hasn’t felt like the latter with the way she’s opened up.

My advice, which may have little to no value, I don't think you should reach out to her anymore.  If she has been ignoring your messages already, then I think it is time to lay it to rest.  I think you had already told her your position in going slow, but not being ambiguous.  I personally think it's very odd for someone to say they want that, and to me that is a red flag.  I can't tell if that is her way of "ending" things, by saying something like that because I do not know her or the context of how she said it, and then to follow it up without responding.  Sounds like she is making excuses every step of the way, which is another red flag.  Honestly, I think you should move on.  If you really like her and SHE initiates conversation with you again, then maybe see where it goes, but I don't think you should continue putting effort and emotion into her.

Offline jonnybaxy

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #550 on: August 06, 2015, 05:21:55 PM »
Regarding Jackie's posts,

I've seen myself on the other end of the side of that a few times and yes being unexpectedly 'dumped' is never a good thing, but I have a problem with break-ups apparently, I struggle to get over them and find the following months/year emotionally crippling,

As mentioned the best thing to do is to just part ways as I spent ages trying to get back with a girl, then gave up saying I don't want to speak as it is only hurting (yes I really am that 'weak').

Following that she kept texting me every few weeks/months, which I've done a quick reply, then nothing, cutting the ties holding you back really helps I've found rather than trying to rung back and looking pathetic.



"sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees"

Offline cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #551 on: August 07, 2015, 06:02:54 AM »
Sylvan, just wanted to add that I am sorry if my post was a bit blunt.  That was just my opinion on the situation.  I have found that most of the women I have interacted with or met from online dating sites have been somewhat sketchy.  Almost every girl I talked to has tried to pull me along on some bs that this girl seems to have done to you.  Do you know how many times I chatted with a girl and things seemed awesome and then they just randomly stop? Or, this literally just happened, I matched with a girl on Tinder, we chatted for like a week, she gave me her number and then never responded to me again.  Another girl I matched with on tinder was similar, chatted with me and then stopped. I told her "it seems you aren't interested so I will back off, but I thought you seemed nice and I find you attractive, if you'd ever like to meet up and talk more let me know, otherwise good luck with your future" and her response is "oh no, thats not the case, here facebook me and lets chat there" only to be ignored after becoming facebook friends.  These are just the two most recent examples.  Part of me thinks these girls just like the attention, but I honestly have no clue wtf is going on most of the time. 

Anyway, I seem to have a stalker now.  About 6 months ago a girl on okcupid started talking to me.  I responded nicely and over time we had some conversations.  I wasn't initially interested, but as we talked more I thought she seemed cool.  I got her number and we texted a lot for about a week back then.  We agreed to meet, but the night of meeting she cancelled on me.  I told her that is a big no no for me, I hate playing these games so I told her I wasn't interested anymore.  I find my time to be valuable so I don't like plans being broken on me last second. Either way she felt bad and all so I started feeling bad and said fine, pick a time and place you want to meet this week and I will be there.  She never did and so I stopped talking to her.  A couple months went by and she texted me out of the blue.  I happened to have been at the Nightwish concert at the moment and was drunk so I talked back.  The next day she started texting and I realized I did not want to start this again so I stopped talking to her, again.  So... last weekend, once again I was at a concert, Sublime with Rome, and she facebook requests me which I found really odd.  We hadnt talked in a few months and she found me on facebook (I don't think I am that hard to find, but still).  I was once again a bit drunk so I accepted her friendship after a couple hours of pondering about it.  She immediately started talking to me and said she was sorry and really wanted to meet up.  I actually agreed to (I am not so sure why I did this, probably my mistake) and now we are scheduled to have a drink this afternoon (I have a summer half day and she is off since she is a teacher).  But I really dont think I want to meet this girl.  I've got a lot of things to take care of today after work since I am headed to Rochester for a wedding Saturday so I know it was wrong of me to commit to this, but I think I am going to cancel on her, which is exactly what I didn't like that she did to me. 

The point I am actually making is, the same sketchiness that the girls do to me, I apparently am doing to this girl too.  I am starting to think this is how online dating works sometimes.  My intentions were not bad, but I feel like I am exactly the type of person I dislike on these sites, in this particular case.  Maybe it has to do with being the one that is being chased vs. being the chaser, which gives you more leverage when someone is more interested in you.  I guess this was my Friday morning revelation lol

Offline sylvan

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #552 on: August 07, 2015, 11:55:20 AM »
Blunt is what I need, not some sugar coated bullshit. Perspective! I mostly agree. If our last contact was me asking her to not leave me hanging, and she does, then I don't need to be the next one to initiate contact. There's a huge part of me that wants to wait and see if she contacts me sometime. But that's the thing, to say that she doesn't have the time to send me a short and simple text, friendly if you will, is ridiculous. Maybe I'll hear from her, maybe not.

But what if I don't want to leave it up to chance? Is her contacting me the difference between her wanting to continue or not? What if my complete lack of contact, even in a friendly direction, influences her perception of how I feel towards her? Even though I've made it clear, she might see this whole thing as something that could change that, but it hasn't necessarily. I would hate for this to just abruptly end because I was too prideful and she had the wrong perception.

On you're other point, yeah, what's up with people starting good conversations, even exchanging numbers, and then ignoring you? People are wierd.

Offline cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #553 on: August 07, 2015, 01:48:24 PM »
I think you are thinking too much into it.  I say move on, if she comes back then cool, if not, you will find someone better.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #554 on: August 07, 2015, 01:52:32 PM »
But what if I don't want to leave it up to chance? Is her contacting me the difference between her wanting to continue or not?

Yes.

Offline sylvan

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #555 on: August 07, 2015, 04:23:05 PM »
But what if I don't want to leave it up to chance? Is her contacting me the difference between her wanting to continue or not?

Yes.

Lawyered!

But for real, I think I just needed to hear it from someone else. It's all out there. I don't need to say the same things again. It's up to her at this point.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #556 on: August 10, 2015, 08:52:28 AM »
I just moved into my new house with my new bride, who I met on an online dating service.   I also just spent more time on the phone in the last two weeks with my brother than I have in the last year, as he dealt with much the same issue with his fiancé. 

I think you are looking at this too one-sided.  She has been clear as a bell, just not in the way you wanted.   (By the way, there's a GREAT book called "The Languages of Love" or something like that, and it talks about how people communicate their love and desire in different ways. Some people are "words" people; some people are "action" people.  And much like it is foolhardy to go to Germany and expect everyone to just start talking English for you, it is equally foolhardy to expect a woman to immediately communicate the way YOU do.   Perhaps that is what you need for "compatibility", but I know for me, as long as I know she loves me, I don't care if I know because she tells me, because she gives me handjobs, or because she just doesn't leave.   

She clearly said (at least based on your words) that she wanted to hang out.  She wanted you to accept the ambiguity, and she was clear that she was burned by "giving in" (and no, I don't just mean physically) too soon in the past.   Short of hearing what you want to hear the way you want to hear it, I'm not sure what more you can expect.   She IS being clear, just in a different language so to speak.  If you don't want to put in the effort (which is fine, but you waited 13 years, I'm not sure why a couple months matters now, especially since you can date others too if you are so inclined.) then bail.  If you do, then go along with the ambiguity for a spell and see what happens.   

I know for me, we got to know each other over the course of about six months or so, but it was ALWAYS clear that there was no future if her children and I didn't hit it off (and her youngest has behavioral issues, so that wasn't a given) and she wasn't introducing me until the rest of it was in place (since she didn't want a parade of men coming through her children's lives).   It was up to me to take or leave, and I took it.  We're now married and happier than ever. 

Having said that, there IS a lot of BS on the dating websites.   There are a lot of women (and I'm sure a lot of men) who say one thing and do another.    My enduring question is whether they even realize it. 

Offline Lynxo

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #557 on: August 10, 2015, 10:32:32 AM »
I'd hate to go off on a tangent here but...what the fuck is up with hand jobs? I've only ever heard americans mention it. A hand job has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard off. If I'm with someone, I'd rather have her do something to me that I can't do to myself. No thank you, I'd rather jerk off to a magazine. I mean, I've practiced all my life - I know what I like MUCH better than you, believe me! :biggrin:
Lynxo cured my bad breath with his penis.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #558 on: August 10, 2015, 10:37:37 AM »
I'd hate to go off on a tangent here but...what the fuck is up with hand jobs? I've only ever heard americans mention it. A hand job has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard off. If I'm with someone, I'd rather have her do something to me that I can't do to myself. No thank you, I'd rather jerk off to a magazine. I mean, I've practiced all my life - I know what I like MUCH better than you, believe me! :biggrin:


I absolutely love handjobs. A good handjob/blowjob combo > sex.

Offline FlyingBIZKIT

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #559 on: August 10, 2015, 10:39:40 AM »
I love jobs in general. Working from 9-5pm gets me going. and the money? Oh lord. :o