Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[bout to crash]

Aaaand he cancelled on me again. He has some computer job that he does at home and I understand things come up, but twice in four days?? I told him that's a bit of a sore spot for me when I feel like my time isn't being respected. We'll see...

My rule if someone cancels a first time meet up they are done unless I feel they were very much justified in canceling.  Girls have done this a few times with me and I fell for those games early on, but not a single time has someone cancelled a first date and things actually progressed. 

This was supposed to be our second date. The first one was last week and went really well, but then he cancelled on me Thursday and Sunday. Apparently he has some client that needs a thing done so he's been working like crazy... again, I get this because I have friends who do similar work, but it was still a huge bummer and his communication has been less than ideal. He wrote this long (and I think very sincere) thing apologizing and saying he was really hoping to continue to get to know me and whatnot, but then it took him a long-ass time to get back to me about his availability this week- like, a whole day. He told me he'd get back to me by noon and it wasn't til 10pm that I heard from him. He may actually have to fly out of town for this client later in the week so I'd be surprised if we were able to hang out. Unless we have a helluva date soon, I'm out. Actions speak louder than words- I have to keep reminding myself.

[sylvan]

Actions speak louder than words- I have to keep reminding myself.

Ain't that the truth. But, shouldn't people just take someone for their word, at least to a certain degree? If the person hasn't shown to be playing games, or lying/stretching the truth. Maybe he does want to see you, and really is busy.

[cramx3]

Actions speak louder than words- I have to keep reminding myself.

Ain't that the truth. But, shouldn't people just take someone for their word, at least to a certain degree? If the person hasn't shown to be playing games, or lying/stretching the truth. Maybe he does want to see you, and really is busy.

Yes, but how far does someone's word go?  If a guy says he is busy, fine I dont think anyone is disputing that, but if he says he will get back to you by noon and doesn't until 10pm, how good is his word then?  And yes he could be busy and could have legitimate reasons, but for how long do you continue to go down that route of always waiting for him to not be busy?  I am way too impatient to deal with someone that doesn't have the time or willingness to deal with me.

[Chino]

Aaaand he cancelled on me again. He has some computer job that he does at home and I understand things come up, but twice in four days?? I told him that's a bit of a sore spot for me when I feel like my time isn't being respected. We'll see...

My rule if someone cancels a first time meet up they are done unless I feel they were very much justified in canceling.  Girls have done this a few times with me and I fell for those games early on, but not a single time has someone cancelled a first date and things actually progressed. 

This was supposed to be our second date. The first one was last week and went really well, but then he cancelled on me Thursday and Sunday. Apparently he has some client that needs a thing done so he's been working like crazy... again, I get this because I have friends who do similar work, but it was still a huge bummer and his communication has been less than ideal. He wrote this long (and I think very sincere) thing apologizing and saying he was really hoping to continue to get to know me and whatnot, but then it took him a long-ass time to get back to me about his availability this week- like, a whole day. He told me he'd get back to me by noon and it wasn't til 10pm that I heard from him. He may actually have to fly out of town for this client later in the week so I'd be surprised if we were able to hang out. Unless we have a helluva date soon, I'm out. Actions speak louder than words- I have to keep reminding myself.

Did you ask him if he wanted some company while he was stuck inside working? 

[sylvan]

You're absolutely right. You have to draw a line. Maybe I'm just thinking that it wasn't egregious. But yeah, maybe he can be held to a tighter standard from here out. And here we are deciding it for Jackie. You're welcome

[bout to crash]

 , thank you!

Actions speak louder than words- I have to keep reminding myself.

Ain't that the truth. But, shouldn't people just take someone for their word, at least to a certain degree? If the person hasn't shown to be playing games, or lying/stretching the truth. Maybe he does want to see you, and really is busy.

Yes, but how far does someone's word go?  If a guy says he is busy, fine I dont think anyone is disputing that, but if he says he will get back to you by noon and doesn't until 10pm, how good is his word then?  And yes he could be busy and could have legitimate reasons, but for how long do you continue to go down that route of always waiting for him to not be busy?  I am way too impatient to deal with someone that doesn't have the time or willingness to deal with me.

And that's the key thing right there. If I had more invested and knew him better it'd be one thing, but we've had one date and I have no interest in always waiting around. I spent nearly a whole relationship waiting for somebody, and it was not fun.
I do want to add that HE was the one who gave himself the 12:00 deadline. I said nothing about needing to hear from him by a certain time, which is why it annoyed me. It's the middle of my workday so I couldn't care less if I hear from you by 12, but don't put it out there if you ain't gonna deliver.
I realize I'm more of a planner than lots of other people and don't expect everyone to operate the same way, but I'm just asking for decent communication.

Did you ask him if he wanted some company while he was stuck inside working?

No, for two reasons. First I don't know him well enough for that yet. If we were an established couple that might be fairly normal, but at this stage it'd sound weird/desperate to offer IMO.
Second, he lives with his girlfriend and I'm not sure of her schedule. They are not monogamous, obviously, but since I've only met the dude once I'm not gonna waltz in like "Hey, I'm dating your boyfriend, sup" 

[sylvan]

Preface: I met this woman online like 4 months ago. We went on a long hike the first time we met. When I tried to go out again, she said she was gonna date her friend from her running group. He's everything she never knew she wanted. I got back in touch with her about a month after, when I knew I wasn't doing it for other reasons than being friendly with someone I thought was cool. I never could get her to meetup again, but she kept telling me to come out to the group run. It's a shitty run at a shitty time, and if she didn't really care, then I didn't either. But we would chat shortly every week or so.

All we ever talked about was innocuous stuff like running and work. I decided to ask about her guy friend, just trying to have some substance to our interaction. She said it's casual, but meh. Complained about dating sucking. Somehow I was the positive one about it. She was surprised I think cuz we never break the surface when we talk. She gets these farm fresh items with recipes and says, "I'm supposed to get another bag Thursday and owe you about 20 hangouts if you want to tackle one of the new recipes Friday." She rescheduled for tomorrow.

I'm going in thinking friends. But, I gotta say I was completely surprised when she asked that. From the most basic of friendly texting conversation to come over to my apartment and cook with me. I guess I'm just gonna roll with it.

[cramx3]

Keep on rollin then! 

My date is coming with me tomorrow night to see Winery Dogs, she is loving the new album so she really wants to join my friend and I.  We managed to get dinner one night this week which wasn't the greatest date, but was nice to finally see each other after 2 weeks.

[Sub Luna Vitrea]

Done with everything for a while. My life is too chaotic to involve other people, and involving other people makes it even more chaotic. I had to tell four guys the other day that I was done, and it was only then that I realized there were four of them. That's way too many for me personally- not because of social norms but because I am a huge introvert and I don't have the energy. It would be a bit dishonest to call it polyamoury when I only connected with one beyond a sexual level, and even with him it was a bit codependent (we were constantly looking to each other for validation) and only pseudo-romantic in a very surface and, IMO, emotionless way.

[bout to crash]

Well, it doesn't have to be four or zero, but I understand the introvert/energy thing. I've been having fun but overwhelmed with my schedule.

I had an awesome first date last night with a guy who is adorable and a big Zappa fan. Lots of chemistry, and hugely looking forward to seeing him again Monday  . D
Did dinner and Rock Band with the lady tonight, which was a lot of fun. She is great and low stress/drama. Saturday I have a brewery/play date with a guy that I have been seeing for a while but don't see very often, so looking forward to that.

Meanwhile, the one who flaked on me a couple of times told me yesterday that his girlfriend is having doubts about non-monogamy. There's more to it (that I'm too tired to type) but I'm really just more annoyed at this point and doubt I will see him again. His actions and words are totally not matching, and I'm thinking he's all talk.

[bout to crash]

So I kicked the flaky guy to the curb, finally. He was waiting for me to do it because he didn't have the guts to himself- he kept asking "so do you want to go our separate ways?" Like, no shit dude. You told me your girlfriend was having second thoughts- why the fuck would I stick around if you're obviously not ready? I actually told him he should do some research on polyamory before he messes with anybody else's head. Unsurprisingly, he did not reply to that. What a douche, though. He kept telling me he cared and that my feelings mattered to him and blah blah blah, but that was clearly not the case.

On a much, much brighter note: I ended up having an unexpected date with Zappa guy tonight. He just happened to be free and I was practically passing through his neighborhood on my way home from watching Doctor Who with a friend, so I went to his house. We listened to Zappa and... things happened... and it was amazing. I will see him again Monday and
He's just too damn cute. I'm just waiting to find some sort of catch, like he has a hair shrine to somebody in his closet or something.

[TioJorge]

Good for you. That gets on my nerves so much when people are too weak to have just even a minute amount of balls and end it. I've had a few women do that to me in the past and it's honestly one of the most insulting things someone can do in a relationship aside from lying about being with someone else. So. Grating.

Glad to hear that it wasn't all bad though!

[bout to crash]

Yeah, who knows if he was even telling the truth about why he cancelled our plans. The lady suggested that maybe his gf was giving him shit and so he just used work as an excuse not to hang. I don't know, but he was definitely lacking some cojones and I'm over that stress.

[TioJorge]

For real. Hell, I've had a situation where a woman told me she was a swinger...and I was okay with it...except apparently her husband didn't know she was a swinger.   

[bout to crash]

Gotta love that

That reminds me: I dated a guy a few years ago who neglected to tell me he was engaged when we started seeing each other, and I found out much later that he had been telling his neighbors and others that his relationship with his fiancee was open... of course she was not aware of this 

[Prog Snob]

So I met someone through OKCupid who seems pretty amazing. She's intriguing, funny, attractive, and while she doesn't have the intellect I usually look for in a woman, she has have great taste in music. She's a fan of Dream Theater and many other bands you wouldn't expect a female from Staten Island to even have heard of. However, after the last relationship disaster I am extremely skeptical about forging forward too fast. She also wants to take things really slow, so sometimes we might go a couple of days without talking or texting. We're both fine with that. She knows about the last girl I dated so I think she wants to make sure I'm truly over her. The second night we got together was the night of the super blood moon. I told her I wanted her to join me in watching it. Obviously, it was too cloudy that night but we did end up in a heavy kissing session. We saw each other again a few nights ago. She came to my apartment. I was actually surprised that she agreed to come to my place so quickly. We went a bit further but didn't have sex. To be honest with everyone, I'm afraid of having sex again anytime soon. It has done nothing but bring me misery the past couple of years so it's the furthest thing from my mind. She wanted me to but I just couldn't. I'm hoping this doesn't push her away but I can't help how I feel.

[Sub Luna Vitrea]

She's a fan of Dream Theater and many other bands you wouldn't expect a female from Staten Island to even have heard of.

No offense but stuff like this makes me chuckle. If I didn't know any better, I might think Staten Island and Long Island are Ancient China and the Roman Empire.

This is completely off topic but I have considered a possible move to Staten Island before, and it's still in the back of my head.

[Prog Snob]

She's a fan of Dream Theater and many other bands you wouldn't expect a female from Staten Island to even have heard of.

No offense but stuff like this makes me chuckle. If I didn't know any better, I might think Staten Island and Long Island are Ancient China and the Roman Empire.

This is completely off topic but I have considered a possible move to Staten Island before, and it's still in the back of my head.

Well, if you need any advice or input feel free to ask. I've been here practically my whole life, save for the two years I lived in Brooklyn when I was born.

When you get here and immerse yourself in it more, you'll have better context regarding my statement.   

Oh and regarding that girl. I just found out she's married!  So, she's gone.

[bout to crash]

Well, another one bites the dust. Things were going REALLY well with this guy and suddenly his whole demeanor changed with me and he just wants to be friends. I'm feeling really disappointed and blindsided, and totally fucking discouraged.

[Prog Snob]

I'm sorry to hear that Jackie. I completely empathize with your discouragement. Did he give any signs of losing interest?  Did something happen that could have changed his mind?

[TioJorge]

What a urethra. Apparently a lot of guys are enormous pansies about being forward with a woman when it comes to pursuing or not pursuing a relationship and are somehow actually moronic enough to think they're doing them a favor, I'm finding out. I just finished basically emotionally murdering my...well, not even a friend, a friendly acquaintance, because he was sobbing to me that he's having SUCH A HARD TIME letting this girl down. So, I'm thinking it's like...they went on a date (or even a few) and it didn't go well and he feels bad. Mm...nope...apparently they've been 'dating' for FIVE MONTHS and he's been seeing other women and leading her on and being close with her and getting closer but he...uh...can't 'bring himself' to let her down...!?!? I basically told him he's a pathetic (...cocksuckingassholebitchwhoretwatface) little fuck-tard who should have his genitals slowly sawed off with a rusty butter knife. Then he has the gall to look at me as if he's stunned, all "Oh, really bro?". Yes. Brobitch. Fucking really. *farts on face* How completely brain dead do you have to be to even consider that being, in any realm, in any fucking universe...acceptable?

I know the girl too, that's what makes me go all Freddy Krueger; she goes to the AA group I do, she's had some one-on-one's with me talking things out and thus I've gotten to know her if ever so slightly. She is very sweet and very shy, but also one of the most straight-forward, brutally honest people you'll meet. Thing is, the guy...on the outside...seems to be this really nice guy as well, very respectful and reserved (though I don't know him all that well...I mean, obviously). Then he randomly comes to me with this shit...and we've spoken like four times. What a fucking shit stain. I haven't been that pissed off whilst sober in a long, long time. Legitimately wanted to grab him by the balls and squeeze until I felt a *POP*.

*Ahem* Aaaannnnyway.... I know where you're coming from, Jackie; and on behalf of all the quivering, confused, emotionally timid assholes out there, I apologize for their tiny, useless little brains and their twisted emotion. Fuck that noise, there's nothing worse than being blindsided. Those dung-beetles don't deserve you. YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY. ONTO THE NEXT!

I am staying single for such a long fucking time and I am going to spend so much god damn money on my right hand. Dates, ballgames, movies. We're doing it all. Just you and me, Bartholomieu. With a big-ass smile. 

[bout to crash]

 , I love you.

Well, the story in a nutshell is this:
We had been talking on OKC for a while and seemed to have a lot in common. He is polyamorous and was dating at least two girls, but recently broke up with one of them after about two years. He's still not over this, obviously, but still said he wanted to meet me and stuff. We had a date last Wednesday that went smashingly. I mean a really, really good date. Very sweet and romantical and all that bullshit. We sort of spontaneously met up Friday, had really awesome intense sex, and everything seemed good. Then yesterday he came over for our date and I could tell something was off- he was looking at me differently and I suddenly wasn't feeling the awesome chemistry we'd had. We hung out for a bit and were out on my patio talking. He brought up the ex and said he's still bitter about it. Then he said he'd been thinking about us and was feeling "uncertain" (mind you he did not tie this at all to the ex- he was extremely vague and could not explain why). He was at a loss for words (and had just smoked some pot  ) so I eventually had to ask him if that meant he didn't want to hang out, and he said yes. Then he said he wanted to be friends. I initially said yeah, I would be okay with that... but then he was like "Okay, well let's still go get dinner" and we had this awkward dinner and watched an episode of Freaks and Geeks and I just felt SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE and like I was going to cry the whole time. He left and the more I think about it the more I realize this guy fucking messed with my head and I don't think I want to be his friend. He was going on last week about how much chemistry we had, blah blah blah... and honestly, I could tell by the way he looked at me and stuff that he was really into me. To have him do a complete 180 (after we have sex, conveniently)- what the fucking fuck? I don't care if you're carrying ex-gf baggage. We all have some of that. Why would you mess with somebody like that? He said something about not wanting a relationship (which I also don't want) but also not wanting something casual- then wtf do you want? Why did you ask me to hang out in the first place?? I'm just angry and hurt.

[Prog Snob]

, I love you.

Well, the story in a nutshell is this:
We had been talking on OKC for a while and seemed to have a lot in common. He is polyamorous and was dating at least two girls, but recently broke up with one of them after about two years. He's still not over this, obviously, but still said he wanted to meet me and stuff. We had a date last Wednesday that went smashingly. I mean a really, really good date. Very sweet and romantical and all that bullshit. We sort of spontaneously met up Friday, had really awesome intense sex, and everything seemed good. Then yesterday he came over for our date and I could tell something was off- he was looking at me differently and I suddenly wasn't feeling the awesome chemistry we'd had. We hung out for a bit and were out on my patio talking. He brought up the ex and said he's still bitter about it. Then he said he'd been thinking about us and was feeling "uncertain" (mind you he did not tie this at all to the ex- he was extremely vague and could not explain why). He was at a loss for words (and had just smoked some pot  ) so I eventually had to ask him if that meant he didn't want to hang out, and he said yes. Then he said he wanted to be friends. I initially said yeah, I would be okay with that... but then he was like "Okay, well let's still go get dinner" and we had this awkward dinner and watched an episode of Freaks and Geeks and I just felt SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE and like I was going to cry the whole time. He left and the more I think about it the more I realize this guy fucking messed with my head and I don't think I want to be his friend. He was going on last week about how much chemistry we had, blah blah blah... and honestly, I could tell by the way he looked at me and stuff that he was really into me. To have him do a complete 180 (after we have sex, conveniently)- what the fucking fuck? I don't care if you're carrying ex-gf baggage. We all have some of that. Why would you mess with somebody like that? He said something about not wanting a relationship (which I also don't want) but also not wanting something casual- then wtf do you want? Why did you ask me to hang out in the first place?? I'm just angry and hurt.

I'm sorry you had to experience that. It definitely seems like he just used you. Honestly, the polyamorous lifestyle he is living should have been a red flag. Look, I've been down that road recently. It's obvious the girl I was with had no problem with having multiple partners. Those are big red flags and should be avoided. It doesn't mean you deserve that from him. His indifference is a crude display of altruism. I wouldn't stay friends with him and if he asks, then you tell him exactly how you feel and walk away. It probably won't make a difference because if he's as caustic as I'm reading him to be, then you're just another notch in his bedpost. Actually, give him nothing. Don't even give him the satisfaction of knowing it bothers you. You deserve so much better.   

[sylvan]

That's a huge bummer. It sucks when things that seem good don't work out. But, that's life. It's way worse when it's the result of someone else being a shitty human being. I'm not exactly sure why people can't be honest in those situations. It's over none the less, so why feed some bullshit, or worse, disappear into thin air? Obviously this guy exercised zero forethought here. Try, as hard as that may be, not to get discouraged. Some people, men or women, just suck at life. They just don't wear a sign notifying people as such.

[TioJorge]

 
That is some grad A shit right there. Assholery at its finest... Curbstomp him and leave him in the dust. (I was going to say kick him to the curb but after you have sex with someone and then pull that shit...) I wouldn't think someone like that would make all too great a friend. When someone is that flaky and unsure of themselves...I think it's best to let them be; either to figure their own shit out or grow the fuck up. Or they already have and are just that shitty and manipulative.

I'm in a similar situation (in regards to the back and forth and them being flaky) with an old friend who turned into an old flame that didn't really pan out and didn't talk for years and then became a good friend again and now she's coming at me with the force of ten thousand hormones and I'm just flabbergasted. I'm definitely not getting into anything beyond casual sex for a while. I want (need) sex every once in a while, but I'm not so childish to think that there is anything true to the whole 'sex with no strings' (to a certain extent). For as much as we'd like to believe that we can have sex and not have any feelings at all...it's just a load of shit; 'friends with benefits' turns into 'friends with fits' and then shit either gets awkward or goes bad if something doesn't develop (granted...there's the rare case where both parties know exactly what they want, and it's not a relationship, but still like fucking, but that is so few and far between in my experience). So I'm walking on glass. Because the last thing I need right now is try and deal with some bullshit drama and pretend to give a shit. I'm still putting myself back together...it's impossible to attempt to deal with anything close to a relationship.

[Sub Luna Vitrea]

I'm really sorry that happened, Jackie.

Honestly, the polyamorous lifestyle he is living should have been a red flag.

 

[bout to crash]

Yeah John, I disagree with your thoughts on polyamory. Done right, it works great for lots of people. There's a difference between polyamory or ethical non-monogamy and just fucking lots of people. Considering I don't identify as monogamous, I'm obviously not seeking somebody who does.

That is some grad A shit right there. Assholery at its finest... Curbstomp him and leave him in the dust. (I was going to say kick him to the curb but after you have sex with someone and then pull that shit...) I wouldn't think someone like that would make all too great a friend. When someone is that flaky and unsure of themselves...I think it's best to let them be; either to figure their own shit out or grow the fuck up. Or they already have and are just that shitty and manipulative.

I'm in a similar situation (in regards to the back and forth and them being flaky) with an old friend who turned into an old flame that didn't really pan out and didn't talk for years and then became a good friend again and now she's coming at me with the force of ten thousand hormones and I'm just flabbergasted. I'm definitely not getting into anything beyond casual sex for a while. I want (need) sex every once in a while, but I'm not so childish to think that there is anything true to the whole 'sex with no strings' (to a certain extent). For as much as we'd like to believe that we can have sex and not have any feelings at all...it's just a load of shit; 'friends with benefits' turns into 'friends with fits' and then shit either gets awkward or goes bad if something doesn't develop (granted...there's the rare case where both parties know exactly what they want, and it's not a relationship, but still like fucking, but that is so few and far between in my experience). So I'm walking on glass. Because the last thing I need right now is try and deal with some bullshit drama and pretend to give a shit. I'm still putting myself back together...it's impossible to attempt to deal with anything close to a relationship.

I have had a couple of true "friends with benefits" or fuck buddy arrangements, but I've also had casual things that turned into more than that, at least in one party's head.

And yeah, I agree with what you said about letting him figure his shit out. It has crossed my mind that he's just manipulative and put on a REALLY good act, but I'm thinking he's just lost. Regardless of the reason or intent, he messed with my head. I sat on it for about 48 hours, talked to my therapist and decided I was going to say something today. He actually sent me a picture earlier of a Zappa reference but I didn't respond because that was the first time he's reached out since he left my place Monday and I was not feelin' it. So a little bit ago I finally texted him saying that I was on the fence about friendship at this point, that I felt like a very strong connection suddenly went cold and I wasn't sure I could just switch it off. I said I was afraid of my head being messed with again. We shall see if I hear back. Even if I don't, I'm glad I said it.

[Prog Snob]

Yeah John, I disagree with your thoughts on polyamory. Done right, it works great for lots of people. There's a difference between polyamory or ethical non-monogamy and just fucking lots of people. Considering I don't identify as monogamous, I'm obviously not seeking somebody who does.

I won't deny that it works right for some people. However, considering that most people probably can't handle it properly as this guy just showed, I would always tread carefully when discovering that about someone. Like you said, it's one thing to be polyamorous; it's another to just fuck a lot of people, or do as he did and use you for sex. He told you he was polyamorous which could have been him just sugarcoating his true intentions.

[Stadler]

Yeah John, I disagree with your thoughts on polyamory. Done right, it works great for lots of people. There's a difference between polyamory or ethical non-monogamy and just fucking lots of people. Considering I don't identify as monogamous, I'm obviously not seeking somebody who does.

I won't deny that it works right for some people. However, considering that most people probably can't handle it properly as this guy just showed, I would always tread carefully when discovering that about someone. Like you said, it's one thing to be polyamorous; it's another to just fuck a lot of people, or do as he did and use you for sex. He told you he was polyamorous which could have been him just sugarcoating his true intentions.

I don't want this to sound like I'm being negative or dismissive, because I'm not; I'm very much a libertarian in this way.  If it works for you and your partner(s), and everyone's eyes are wide open, then so be it.   But that last part - everyone's eyes are wide open - seems to be the kicker, doesn't it?   I just think there are a lot of people that don't have the mindset or the integrity to pull it off in the way it's intended to be pulled off.   

Jackie, you know the deets better than anyone here, because you're living them, but the way it's written, there's more than a whiff of "Well, I WISH this was really a poly relationship, but not everyone who is a party to it is really down with that" on his part.  And if all members of a multi-party, non-monogamous relationship are not on the same page, it's kind of hard to classify it as that, isn't it?  What's that old adage about your stereo?  It's only as good as the weakest link?

[cramx3]

He told you he was polyamorous which could have been him just sugarcoating his true intentions.

This is kind of how I feel, guys in general want to get laid.  Some guys will manipulate to do so, and I think being polyamorous is an easy way for a guy to be manipulative.

[bout to crash]

Eh, I disagree with the last few posts. I'm not a non-monogamy veteran by any means, but I think I know more about it than the average person because I've been living it for a few years now. You can be polyamorous and do stupid things and the two are not at all related. This guy is polyamorous, and he's not full of shit about that (unlike the one before whose girlfriend wasn't really into it). He has one openly poly girlfriend, and had two until recently. Everybody involved was consenting, and I was aware of the girlfriends before we even met. So IMO his being poly has nothing to do with anything here. He did something dumb because he clearly has some of his own shit to work out, or because he just wanted sex, whatever. Guys who identify as monogamous are just as likely to do the same shit. Believe me, been there MANY times.

[cramx3]

Guys who identify as monogamous are just as likely to do the same shit. Believe me, been there MANY times.

Totally agree, that was kind of my point.  Guys in general will do sleezy things to get into a womans pants, adding the polyamorous part makes me THINK that is another way to sneak into a girls pants.  I will say, I am not knowledgable in this area, I am a monogamous guy and know I would struggle with multiple women.  I would imagine you are much better at determining a BSer int his area than I would so like you said it probably isn't that bad.

As for myself, I am still seeing the same girl.  We hung out last night and watched the Mets game together.  I really like her, but as I am getting to know her better, I am realizing she has A LOT of personal problems that are really effecting her, specifically her father passed away a couple months before we met and her mother is in a really bad physical and mental place.  I feel like that is really weighing heavily on her lately, like ever since she opened up about it to me she is always very somber around me now.  Sort of like now that I know she isnt happy with her family life, she can openly display that.  It's fine and all, I feel bad for her, but my problem is I am TERRIBLE at being the shoulder to cry on.  Not that I don't want to be nice, I really do, I just am VERY poor at saying the right things in these situations.  I end up bottling up sometimes when talking about emotions and whatnot.  I guess I am just talking outloud as it is not really a problem, but something I worry about being able to be a good partner here.  My x always had this complaint about me, I tried to explain that it isnt that I dont care, it's that I don't know how to say the right things to comfort someone when they are looking for it.  I just hope she doesn't see it differently.  There is also an alarming trend with the girls I fall for... they are all psychologists.  I dont know what that means, maybe a psychologist can tell me.

[Stadler]

As for myself, I am still seeing the same girl.  We hung out last night and watched the Mets game together.  I really like her, but as I am getting to know her better, I am realizing she has A LOT of personal problems that are really effecting her, specifically her father passed away a couple months before we met and her mother is in a really bad physical and mental place.  I feel like that is really weighing heavily on her lately, like ever since she opened up about it to me she is always very somber around me now.  Sort of like now that I know she isnt happy with her family life, she can openly display that.  It's fine and all, I feel bad for her, but my problem is I am TERRIBLE at being the shoulder to cry on.  Not that I don't want to be nice, I really do, I just am VERY poor at saying the right things in these situations.  I end up bottling up sometimes when talking about emotions and whatnot.  I guess I am just talking outloud as it is not really a problem, but something I worry about being able to be a good partner here.  My x always had this complaint about me, I tried to explain that it isnt that I dont care, it's that I don't know how to say the right things to comfort someone when they are looking for it.  I just hope she doesn't see it differently.  There is also an alarming trend with the girls I fall for... they are all psychologists.  I dont know what that means, maybe a psychologist can tell me.

Not a psychologist, but I slept in a Holiday Inn Express last night, so...

You don't have to say ANYTHING.  Listen.  Hug her.   Hold her hand.  Make her dinner.  Bone her (I say with respect).  Whatever it is you DO do, and whatever it is that resonates with her.  Me, I hate when someone tries to "talk me down"; I don't need that.  I need to be made to feel wanted, however that has to happen.  That's why my wife is so special; she doesn't go out of her head to try to say the exact right thing.  But she does come up with a crock pot of BBQ, or decides to wear THAT nightie to bed, or whatever it takes. 

You can do that too.

[Stadler]

Eh, I disagree with the last few posts. I'm not a non-monogamy veteran by any means, but I think I know more about it than the average person because I've been living it for a few years now. You can be polyamorous and do stupid things and the two are not at all related. This guy is polyamorous, and he's not full of shit about that (unlike the one before whose girlfriend wasn't really into it). He has one openly poly girlfriend, and had two until recently. Everybody involved was consenting, and I was aware of the girlfriends before we even met. So IMO his being poly has nothing to do with anything here. He did something dumb because he clearly has some of his own shit to work out, or because he just wanted sex, whatever. Guys who identify as monogamous are just as likely to do the same shit. Believe me, been there MANY times.

I must have misread; I thought you said that he claimed his girl was having second thoughts?   Maybe I'm not getting that there are two guys here?   In any event, honesty (of a sort; at a minimum being honest with oneself) is important in any relationship, but in my view, the more parties involved, the more critical it gets.  That's all I was saying.

[cramx3]

As for myself, I am still seeing the same girl.  We hung out last night and watched the Mets game together.  I really like her, but as I am getting to know her better, I am realizing she has A LOT of personal problems that are really effecting her, specifically her father passed away a couple months before we met and her mother is in a really bad physical and mental place.  I feel like that is really weighing heavily on her lately, like ever since she opened up about it to me she is always very somber around me now.  Sort of like now that I know she isnt happy with her family life, she can openly display that.  It's fine and all, I feel bad for her, but my problem is I am TERRIBLE at being the shoulder to cry on.  Not that I don't want to be nice, I really do, I just am VERY poor at saying the right things in these situations.  I end up bottling up sometimes when talking about emotions and whatnot.  I guess I am just talking outloud as it is not really a problem, but something I worry about being able to be a good partner here.  My x always had this complaint about me, I tried to explain that it isnt that I dont care, it's that I don't know how to say the right things to comfort someone when they are looking for it.  I just hope she doesn't see it differently.  There is also an alarming trend with the girls I fall for... they are all psychologists.  I dont know what that means, maybe a psychologist can tell me.

Not a psychologist, but I slept in a Holiday Inn Express last night, so...

You don't have to say ANYTHING.  Listen.  Hug her.   Hold her hand.  Make her dinner.  Bone her (I say with respect).  Whatever it is you DO do, and whatever it is that resonates with her.  Me, I hate when someone tries to "talk me down"; I don't need that.  I need to be made to feel wanted, however that has to happen.  That's why my wife is so special; she doesn't go out of her head to try to say the exact right thing.  But she does come up with a crock pot of BBQ, or decides to wear THAT nightie to bed, or whatever it takes. 

You can do that too.

Thanks for the advice, makes a lot of sense.  I think I just got conditioned by my x that I need to say something, which is something she always complained about "why do you never say anything when Im upset?"  The rest like you said is the easy part, I have no problems with physically being there for her.

And I've spent almost 40 nights this year in holiday inn expresses lol