Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[Phoenix87x]

How is the dating scene during covid?  I feel like it must be extra difficult right now

It sure is. Dating is really on its head right now.

1. People are more hesitant to meet in person now
2. There's less places to actually go
3. If you do find a place to go like a restaurant or coffee place that's open, it takes an already awkward first date and makes it even more awkward because you are fumblin around with masks and distancing

Its a strange and challenging time for dating at the moment

[Stadler]

I'm glad I'm not dating now.  I like faces, I like looking at faces, and I feel like I respond to facial responses.  With a mask that is almost impossible.   I find some interactions now more difficult and hard to read.  "Masks" for me are almost like "real life texting", where you don't always know intent. 

[cramx3]

What's funny, I had a friendly interaction at Lidl the other day with a really pretty lady and I was so glad I was wearing a mask that actually covered the two pimples near my mouth 

But seriously, it must be so difficult out there right now.

[cramx3]

Giving this a bump.... and my story

So after my x broke my heart in May of 2019, I went a long time of just working on myself.  Getting into shape and just in general trying to feel better about myself from having my heart broken.  In December of 2019 I finally went on my first date since that break up.  I had been seeing this same girl ever since then.  We have hung out every weekend during covid times.  I told her initially I wasn't sure what I was looking for.  Eventually after many months of dating she asked me to be her boyfriend. I said yes.  Now in that moment, I was a bit hesitant. She was super nice and was doing everything right but I just wasn't sure I was ready at the time to commit to her.  Mostly becaause, while I liked her, I didn't think we had great conversation and I didn't think we had the greatest chemistry.  However, with social distancing and all, I felt like it was worth doing this with her and seeing where things would go.

Every weekend we had fun.  I definitely enjoyed spending our Saturday nights together.  We never had a fight, never had an argument, nothing negative between us.  No bickering, just a good time.  But I was always left wondering, when will I fall in love?  When will I have this moment where I feel like I would give anything to be with her.  Sadly, it never came.  I don't know why, but the last couple months it was starting to eat at me on the insides.  I started putting on weight and feeling depressed. I started feeling like I was being an asshole by letting this continue.  But I just kept thinking "our time together is fun, this is going to click and I'm just being stupid" so we kept hanging out.  She invited me to her shore house for a bit and I felt like this would be perfect to get away and we'll be able to connect in a way  that I haven't felt yet.... and while those two days in LBI were AWESOME, I came home thinking that nothing had changed.

I spent the last couple weeks being more distant.  We would hardly text at all.  In fact, for a couple, we hardly texted to begin with.  Our conversations were always "hows your day" and basic.  Nothing compelling and nothing to make me feel more attached.  When we hung out the last two Saturdays, my emotions would get the best of me and I would struggle to perform anything sexual.  At that point, I felt like maybe things were getting obvious about my feelings.  So I struggled internally all week about how I was going to end this.

Well, she just left my house.  Came over thinking we would spend the whole weekend together and I totally shocked her when she came in and I said we need to talk.  I feel SO BAD.  I feel like such an asshole and that I totally might have used her.  I even admitted all this, that maybe while it wasn't my intention but because I've felt this way for so long that maybe I used her to keep me entertained during this covid time.  I was honest, told her I didn't feel a connection.  I didn't love her and she did say she was wondering why the L word had never come up and that it was clear she liked me a lot more than I liked her.  I told her I didn't see a future together and it's best we don't waste our time.  She was so shocked and upset.  She said on her way out she had planned an awesome birthday for me (later this month).  I know this was the right thing to do, but I feel like a terrible person today.

On the other hand, I think a weight has been lifted off my back.  This needed to happen and the longer I was holding back the harder it was going to be.  She's a really good person and deserves someone who will treat her the way she treated me. 

Anyway, I guess I am single again, but I'm in no rush to get back into the dating scene.  Back to working on myself and my lonely heart.

[The Walrus]

Man, that sucks Marc. But I think you couldn't have handled it better. You were up front and honest and the fact that you feel bad means you care about how it affected her. That means a lot imo and hopefully she understands that when the negative feelings subside. No chance of remaining friendly?

[cramx3]

Man, that sucks Marc. But I think you couldn't have handled it better. You were up front and honest and the fact that you feel bad means you care about how it affected her. That means a lot imo and hopefully she understands that when the negative feelings subside. No chance of remaining friendly?

Didn't even come up about being friends.  I asked to hug her before she left and she did, so maybe she won't hate me and we can be amicable.  I would like to be, but I don't know if now that she's home if she's like "I HATE HIM" so I guess we will see.  She lives about 30 minutes away so I don't expect to run into her randomly in which case I would hope we could be friendly.  I guess I'll know if I see she unfriended me on social media

[The Walrus]

Well well well. Took the plunge and messaged this girl last night (I have really bad self-doubt and anxiety, so it took days just to work up the courage to do that, because I expected she'd think I'm a weirdo or something), and surprisingly she was receptive. Trying to come off cool and taking it easy, no expectations, not playing games, just want to get to know you better etc. especially since she recently got out of a bad relationship. So we chatted for a bit, and made a connection on a few things, and I didn't want to overstay my welcome so I dipped out early after a nice talk. Cool!

It's sooo weird though. There's so much to talk about cause we grew up in the same school system around the same people but hung out with completely different groups, and it's weird almost reaching 30 having that experience of "whoa, we're not at all the same people we were in high school" - this girl was paper thin and part of the preppy popular crowd, now I see her tatted up with a nose ring and wearing black all the time, like what happened that you became metal af? 

Asked her out for a walk with one of the dogs she's raising, but she said it's aggressive so we shelved that idea. So, not wanting to push and ask her out for a drink/coffee right after that, I think I'll just play it cool and talk a bit more. She seemed receptive to getting to know me better and blown away by the fact that I knew what Studio Ghibli is so this might actually be way easier for me to handle than I've been thinking 

[Phoenix87x]

So you asked her to go for a walk and she considers that "aggressive"?

[Adami]

Don’t play it that cool. Just ask her to get a coffee or whatever.

[cramx3]

Don’t play it that cool. Just ask her to get a coffee or whatever.

If she considers a walk too much, she's not going to want to get coffee.  At least not yet.

How did you actually meet her?  You knew each other in school but only recently started chatting?  I'd say just keep chatting if she's receptive to that and if that goes well, offer either the walk again or some coffee, but give it time.  Hard to say how long, but if the conversations are happening smoothly and its all positive, maybe after a couple days bring up if a walk is still too aggressive and be respectful if she continues to think so, assuming you do really like her.  Nothing wrong with having patience especially during a pandemic.

So you asked her to go for a walk and she considers that "aggressive"?

I'd imagine the walk itself is not aggressive, but the wanting to meet up after a first conversation is (unless I'm missing something in terms of their relationship knowing each other already).  Like, in any past dating scenario with a girl I'm meeting online, I would consider it "aggressive" to want to meet after the first conversation.  I actually think I tried this once before and was told similar "relax, we just started talking" essentially and I only did it because our conversation was really good and I wanted to secure that date before she started talking to someone else.  I made that clear in my response to her holding back to not make her think I was a creep.

[lordxizor]

Guys, I think it's the dog that's aggressive, not him asking for a walk. But I could be wrong.

[Adami]

Guys, I think it's the dog that's aggressive, not him asking for a walk. But I could be wrong.

That’s how I read it.

[Chino]

   


I just got caught up on this thread. Sorry Cram :/

[The Walrus]

The dog she's raising is aggressive. So instead of pushing it and being like, "How about without the dog?" or "How about a drink?" I just let it be. Nothing about the walk or asking about it was considered aggressive  my bad.

I've never actually 'met' her, we just uh, grew up in the same small town and school system, and we're both still living here. I think yesterday was the first time we ever had a conversation, even if it was just via text. Giving it time is exactly what I'm aiming for, I was straight up front with her about how I'm not trying to play games, or play this off as some kind of date, just literally wanting to get to know her better and wherever that goes, it goes. I think I've ran into her at a couple parties, but yeah

[Adami]

The dog she's raising is aggressive. So instead of pushing it and being like, "How about without the dog?" or "How about a drink?" I just let it be. Nothing about the walk or asking about it was considered aggressive  my bad.

I've never actually 'met' her, we just uh, grew up in the same small town and school system, and we're both still living here. I think yesterday was the first time we ever had a conversation, even if it was just via text. Giving it time is exactly what I'm aiming for, I was straight up front with her about how I'm not trying to play games, or play this off as some kind of date, just literally wanting to get to know her better and wherever that goes, it goes. I think I've ran into her at a couple parties, but yeah

No. Tell her you love her and discuss your intentions for marriage and children ASAP.

It’ll help if you can photoshop a mock-up future family portrait as well.

[Stadler]

The dog she's raising is aggressive. So instead of pushing it and being like, "How about without the dog?" or "How about a drink?" I just let it be. Nothing about the walk or asking about it was considered aggressive  my bad.

I've never actually 'met' her, we just uh, grew up in the same small town and school system, and we're both still living here. I think yesterday was the first time we ever had a conversation, even if it was just via text. Giving it time is exactly what I'm aiming for, I was straight up front with her about how I'm not trying to play games, or play this off as some kind of date, just literally wanting to get to know her better and wherever that goes, it goes. I think I've ran into her at a couple parties, but yeah

No. Tell her you love her and discuss your intentions for marriage and children ASAP.

It’ll help if you can photoshop a mock-up future family portrait as well.

His and hers.  Anything you can present as "His and hers" will go over like gangbusters.  Chicks dig that.   Towels, keychains, t-shirts, hats.   

[The Walrus]

 

[cramx3]

  my bad on the aggressive dog

I just got caught up on this thread. Sorry Cram :/

Thanks, I'm still kind of stuck in a rut on where to go from here.  The loneliness of me wants to just put myself back out there, but I don't know if that's the best idea.  I need to get back to losing weight since I put some on while on vacation, that should be my priority.

[Phoenix87x]

oh, its the dog that's aggressive 

[Stadler]

I thought it was the girl.  She didn't trust herself around our beau.   

[Phoenix87x]

Just wanted to rant for a second about what a scam OK Cupid has become.

So you now have to pay to see who likes you. And there no longer is a search function so the site can boost your profile so more people see it or just hide it outright.

When I was paying, I was barley seeing any likes. Now that i canceled and "Can't see" likes without paying again, now all of a sudden I am getting 3-4 likes a day. Its a shame, I used to have so much success from OK Cupid back in the day.

[Chino]

Just wanted to rant for a second about what a scam OK Cupid has become.

So you now have to pay to see who likes you. And there no longer is a search function so the site can boost your profile so more people see it or just hide it outright.

When I was paying, I was barley seeing any likes. Now that i canceled and "Can't see" likes without paying again, now all of a sudden I am getting 3-4 likes a day. Its a shame, I used to have so much success from OK Cupid back in the day.

I wouldn't waste 5 seconds on OKC these days. Bumble and a paid subscription to Match should be all anyone needs (at least where I live).

[Phoenix87x]

Yeah, good call.

I'll be checking Match out next.

[Chino]

Yeah, good call.

I'll be checking Match out next.

I did the 6 month subscription last time I was actually dating. I think it cost like $120 or something like that. I had great luck, and it's nice because you know that if other people are on there paying as well, they're at least semi-serious about finding a partner.

[The Walrus]

Realizing I was batting way out of my league/this girl ain't interested kinda bums me out. So, I'm back home, half drunk, waiting for the oven to heat up so I can drunkenly shove a bag of French fries into my ugly face. Also waiting for a friend to get back at me about some recently single friends. Onward and upward! I'm on vacation and dgaf. Currently sitting in front of the oven. Waiting. Always waiting. When's gonna be my time?

[jingle.boy]

Realizing I was batting way out of my league/this girl ain't interested kinda bums me out. So, I'm back home, half drunk, waiting for the oven to heat up so I can drunkenly shove a bag of French fries into my ugly face. Also waiting for a friend to get back at me about some recently single friends. Onward and upward! I'm on vacation and dgaf. Currently sitting in front of the oven. Waiting. Always waiting. When's gonna be my time?

Brohug??  Sorry to hear that dude.

[The Walrus]

Stuffing my sorrows in a sack cause I stuffed my face full of fries. Tomorrow is a new day. Not gonna leave the house tho but I mean it's a new day

[jingle.boy]

Stuffing my sorrows in a sack cause I stuffed my face full of fries. Tomorrow is a new day. Not gonna leave the house tho but I mean it's a new day

Sounds like the perfect day to chug some water, and do a deck of cards workout.

[The Walrus]

Maybe even two of them!

[Stadler]

What's a deck of cards workout?  Deal out two rounds of solitaire?   


Chin up, my friend.  It will happen, and when you least expect it.   The "problem" is that "you can't win if you don't play" (CT Lotto ad).  Or, "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" (Michael Scott).   I'm joking, but I'm not.  I'm proud that you put yourself out there; don't let her particular choice guide you. 

[cramx3]

Don't get yourself too bent out of shape because one girl wasn't interested. Plenty of fish in the sea, and you got to cast many lines to catch the one that's going to be special for you. 

That's not to say the feeling doesn't suck, but you'll get over it and you'll be better because of it in the end.  Keep your chin up

[Phoenix87x]

The feeling definitely does suck and we've all been there. Time heals all wounds, and from my own experience something better eventually comes along.

[The Walrus]

Oh yeah, fall off the horse, get back on for sure.  That process is so draining, though.

Stads, a DOC workout is when you assign exercises to a suit, and the value determines the number of reps. So when I draw a 10 of spades, I do 10 pushups. Or a queen of hearts is 12 squats. Always leaves me in a good sweat.

[Stadler]

Oh yeah, fall off the horse, get back on for sure.  That process is so draining, though.

Stads, a DOC workout is when you assign exercises to a suit, and the value determines the number of reps. So when I draw a 10 of spades, I do 10 pushups. Or a queen of hearts is 12 squats. Always leaves me in a good sweat.

Oh, I've done that before.   Spades is beer, hearts is whiskey, diamonds is vodka...  uh, that's not the same is it? 

[Sacul]

Yeah that feeling sucks Walrus, remember your worth is within, not in others. I am personally slowly coming to accept that I could be single the rest of my days and be fine like this, I've got some fulfilling friendships that make daily life worth it.

Of course that development is hijacked by the fact I'm very attracted to my best friend . She just drives me crazy.