Author Topic: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip  (Read 143205 times)

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Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3500 on: December 16, 2019, 01:21:53 PM »
If any of my exes knocked on my door today and were ready to go, I hope I would be able to say no, but who knows. I really don't want to go down any of those roads again  :P

Offline cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3501 on: December 17, 2019, 09:08:52 AM »
As long as your actions donít make her late.

 :lol

I've got a second date tomorrow night, she didn't stop talking to me while I was away, in fact it seems our texting has ramped up so I feel some potential here although being the first girl I've dated in 6 months, maybe I am putting too much stock into it.  Either way, we joked about giving me the cheek on the first date  :lol

Offline Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3502 on: December 17, 2019, 09:18:01 AM »
That's excellent; you kind of both have the best of both worlds with the kiss.  You can still be the gentleman but let your intentions be known, she can be the lady and yet have her intentions be known.

Good luck!  (Is she a Maiden fan?  Haha.)

Offline cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3503 on: December 17, 2019, 09:26:06 AM »
 :lol no, not into metal.  She is into classic rock which is cool, and her sister is a phish head who's been working hard on converting her it seems.  My brother has been doing the same to me, but I find them too jammy for my tastes.  I'm sure they'd be fun live.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3504 on: December 17, 2019, 09:40:31 AM »
Phish is weird to me.  I got into them for a while, and saw them twice.  It's a great show - they are monster musicians - but while I love the Dead and the Allmans and Blues Traveler, for some reason Phish leaves me cold. 

Offline MoraWintersoul

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3505 on: December 17, 2019, 01:44:46 PM »
Phish is weird to me.  I got into them for a while, and saw them twice.  It's a great show - they are monster musicians - but while I love the Dead and the Allmans and Blues Traveler, for some reason Phish leaves me cold.
Huh, so when someone plays their music in a room full of fans and they're all rocking out, you're the only one who's a cold fish?  :hat

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Offline Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3506 on: December 17, 2019, 02:47:52 PM »
Phish is weird to me.  I got into them for a while, and saw them twice.  It's a great show - they are monster musicians - but while I love the Dead and the Allmans and Blues Traveler, for some reason Phish leaves me cold.
Huh, so when someone plays their music in a room full of fans and they're all rocking out, you're the only one who's a cold fish?  :hat

HAHAHA.  Yes.  Everyone else was flopping around like it was a Faith No More video, though.  They slayed the Hartford Civic Center when I saw them.   

Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3507 on: August 03, 2020, 05:13:53 PM »
Watched Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind for the first time in years. For those who haven't seen it, it involves someone getting over the pain of a breakup by getting a procedure which erases your ex from your memory.

So random question of the day. Thinking of one of your worst and most painful breakups, would you have ever considered the possibility of just erasing them from your memory if possible? And avoid the pain/sadness or would you rather just work through it?

I still think of ex's from time to time and they can be painful feelings, but I don't think I would ever want to forget them forever. I may have come out of those relationships with some new scars, but came out stronger/wiser as well.

Offline Anguyen92

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3508 on: August 03, 2020, 05:19:54 PM »
You know.  Part of me do if it stops me from having these weird vivid dreams of me and her having either arguments or some serious heartfelt conversations and we haven't talked in like 6 years.  I've been ready to move on and she's probably out there living a good life with someone else that can make her happy, so I think if there is a chance to forget, I probably would take it.

Offline ReaperKK

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3509 on: August 04, 2020, 06:48:24 AM »
Watched Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind for the first time in years. For those who haven't seen it, it involves someone getting over the pain of a breakup by getting a procedure which erases your ex from your memory.

So random question of the day. Thinking of one of your worst and most painful breakups, would you have ever considered the possibility of just erasing them from your memory if possible? And avoid the pain/sadness or would you rather just work through it?

I still think of ex's from time to time and they can be painful feelings, but I don't think I would ever want to forget them forever. I may have come out of those relationships with some new scars, but came out stronger/wiser as well.

I don't think so. I've been in a relationship for 6 years now so I'm pretty far removed from my ex's but at this stage I look back at those relationships as good memories. The negative memories have faded over time. There was also a lot learned from those past relationships.

Offline cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3510 on: August 04, 2020, 08:16:01 AM »
Erasing the memory doesn't help IMO.  I mean, unless it was abusive and caused significant damage to your mental stability.  But I feel the pain of going through a break up is what makes you a stronger person today.  You live and you learn.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3511 on: August 04, 2020, 09:09:11 AM »
I guess I should measure my response to be respectful and fair to others' opinions.   For me, I'll leave it at a hard no for now.  (If anyone is interested, I can elaborate, but "bad idea" doesn't go anywhere NEAR far enough in my opinion). 

Offline Chino

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3512 on: August 04, 2020, 09:45:22 AM »
+1 for keeping the shitty memories. They help me remember why I don't do certain things anymore.

Offline The Walrus

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3513 on: August 04, 2020, 09:52:41 AM »
Absolutely love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. One of my favorite movies ever.

But I would keep the memories. I say this as someone who still regularly, late at night, in those minutes when you're just trying to fall asleep... still has thoughts and memories of an ex. It just never goes away, that one in particular. But I'd never want to erase them from my memory. They mean something, some things, and there's a reason I'm still thinking about them. Lots of personal growth from those awful memories that I wouldn't trade for anything.
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3514 on: August 04, 2020, 10:05:26 AM »
Absolutely love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. One of my favorite movies ever.

But I would keep the memories. I say this as someone who still regularly, late at night, in those minutes when you're just trying to fall asleep... still has thoughts and memories of an ex. It just never goes away, that one in particular. But I'd never want to erase them from my memory. They mean something, some things, and there's a reason I'm still thinking about them. Lots of personal growth from those awful memories that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I love that, because I know that feeling.  That moment in the dark when you're most honest with yourself and you let your mind wander.  I have a girl like that, and I can't imagine not having that impression, even though it didn't end like a fairy tale. 

I just don't understand that fanciful notion that we could or should be "free" of anything that's not "postive" or "wonderful".   We, as humans, like life, are a composite of all that has come before.   To cherry pick out the "good" or the "bad" doesn't seem to make sense.  That to me is like saying "my legs are very strong, but my arms aren't; maybe I should just have my arms removed".

And that's not even getting to the point that "memories" can have different impressions at different times of your life.  My ex-wife and I went through a miscarriage before my daughter was born. DEVASTATING.  And while having our daughter tempered that, there was always a sort of fear of feeling that level of loss again.   Funny thing, we divorced and at first it was a contentious thing, and - long story short - we had an opportunity, the two of us (even though we had both remarried at that point) to sit and have a couple drinks, and the one thing that sort of put everything to rest?   Talking about that time between the miscarriage and the birth of our daughter.  It brought a certain level of perspective to things, and while we're not close friends or anything like that, we have reached a detente.  It's an ugly memory, but I wouldn't remove it for all the money in the world. 

Online lordxizor

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3515 on: August 04, 2020, 10:49:53 AM »
I have one former relationship that I would strongly consider erasing if given the chance. Not because it ended horribly or anything, but because I've never fully been able to let go of her as "the one that got away". I idealized her at the time and thought she was perfect for me. She felt the same way about me for a while, but something changed for her and she ended it. We had been friends before and tried to stay friends after, but eventually I had to stop seeing her because I just couldn't stop seeing her as "the one". She's always sort of been in the back of my mind waiting to pounce when life isn't perfect, or I'm frustrated with my wife, or something. It's like my brain says "If only Jane had felt the same way as you back then, then life would be perfect" or "if you were with Jane you wouldn't have to be dealing with this stuff". It's really stupid, and I know she wasn't anywhere near as perfect as I thought she was at the time, but I just can't shake that little thing in the back of my brain that still thinks that life would have been better with her, even though I know better. That comparison to a false ideal life would be lovely to be able to get rid of.

Offline TheCountOfNYC

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3516 on: August 04, 2020, 12:35:00 PM »
Before my current girlfriend who is the most amazing person Iíve ever met, I was in an eight year relationship. We were high school sweethearts, but things ended pretty badly. We even tried to maintain a friendship after the healing process but it just couldnít work. Iíve erased her from my life, but I would never want to erase the memories of what we had. I learned so much about relationships from my time with her, and I needed to go through that painful breakup to become the man I am today and be a guy that an amazing girl like my Arlene deserves. Erasing those memories would be erasing almost a third of my life, my transformative years, for the sake of losing that pain. But in reality, you only need time to erase that pain, and as long as you keep an open mind, you can transform those painful memories into a life lesson, a jumping point towards become the best version of you that you can be. Embrace the pain, because weathering the storm is the only way youíll get see the light again.
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Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3517 on: August 13, 2020, 08:22:07 AM »
Back in the day, I had decent success with using just OK cupid for online dating, but they nerfed it and removed the search function and now its way more like tinder.

What are you guys using lately? Anything new you would recommend not for just hookups, but for longer term relationships?

Offline Adami

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3518 on: August 13, 2020, 08:29:23 AM »
Back in the day, I had decent success with using just OK cupid for online dating, but they nerfed it and removed the search function and now its way more like tinder.

What are you guys using lately? Anything new you would recommend not for just hookups, but for longer term relationships?

I never got anywhere with OKC. Some first dates but little more. Bumble didnít amount to a lot but the matches were better. I found my current GF on JSwipe, but thatís mostly just for Jews.
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Offline Chino

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3519 on: August 13, 2020, 08:42:50 AM »
I've had tremendous luck on Bumble.

Offline cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3520 on: August 13, 2020, 08:53:53 AM »
How is the dating scene during covid?  I feel like it must be extra difficult right now

Offline Chino

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3521 on: August 13, 2020, 09:07:46 AM »
I haven't even bothered. I figured I'd wait it out a little more, drop another 20lbs or so, get a new wardrobe, and then hit the market.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3522 on: August 13, 2020, 09:30:02 AM »
I haven't even bothered. I figured I'd wait it out a little more, drop another 20lbs or so, get a new wardrobe, and then hit the market.

That's a good idea, but I actually thought you were back with the x?  Either way, getting yourself into shape is a better idea than going back into the market.

Offline Chino

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3523 on: August 13, 2020, 09:35:20 AM »
I haven't even bothered. I figured I'd wait it out a little more, drop another 20lbs or so, get a new wardrobe, and then hit the market.

That's a good idea, but I actually thought you were back with the x?  Either way, getting yourself into shape is a better idea than going back into the market.

I don't know what the deal with that is anymore. I through with it. I mentioned 3 weeks ago that I thought it was time that she got the rest of her stuff out of my house, including the furniture she left here, and I haven't heard from her since.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3524 on: August 13, 2020, 09:40:37 AM »
Damn dude, have you seen her recently since you've lost the weight?

Last September after I posted some pics of myself down 30ish pounds on facebook/instagram, I had two of my previous x's reach out to me. 

I posted a week or so ago a picture on instagram, one with the girl I've been dating, and now down 50 pounds and another one of my x's reached out to me.  So fucking ridiculous.  The recent message was my x-fiance who is married and I hadn't seen/spoken to in years (other than the random message of "did any of my mail accidentally get sent to you").  She wanted to meet up for coffee and catch up.  Hell no. But the only thing I can think of is the timing of when I post a picture of myself to facebook/instagram. 

Offline Chino

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3525 on: August 13, 2020, 09:54:42 AM »
Damn dude, have you seen her recently since you've lost the weight?

Last September after I posted some pics of myself down 30ish pounds on facebook/instagram, I had two of my previous x's reach out to me. 

I posted a week or so ago a picture on instagram, one with the girl I've been dating, and now down 50 pounds and another one of my x's reached out to me.  So fucking ridiculous.  The recent message was my x-fiance who is married and I hadn't seen/spoken to in years (other than the random message of "did any of my mail accidentally get sent to you").  She wanted to meet up for coffee and catch up.  Hell no. But the only thing I can think of is the timing of when I post a picture of myself to facebook/instagram.

Yeah. Last time I saw her, it had been maybe four weeks since she saw me last. First words out of her mouth were "holy shit". Since I've seen her last, I've lost another 22ish pounds. I think the weight loss kind of set her off a bit. When we were talking, I brought up how terrible her health has gotten since she decided her job is the most important thing in her life, and of course she pivoted to "Oh, so you're mad I gained weight. Got it". Which, for the record, couldn't be further from it. There's more to health than just weight.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2020, 10:00:23 AM by Chino »

Offline Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3526 on: August 13, 2020, 11:02:41 AM »
I lived that "pivot" for almost 15 years.   Lovely, isn't it?

Offline cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3527 on: August 13, 2020, 11:07:01 AM »
TBH, I don't think there's much to gain at all by telling a woman their health is poor unless you have such a good relationship that you can honestly tell her these things and she would take it seriously and not as some sort of insult.

Also, in that example, she sees you are improving and she probably knows she is not and that alone probably makes her a bit jealous or upset in some way.

Offline Chino

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3528 on: August 13, 2020, 11:36:46 AM »
TBH, I don't think there's much to gain at all by telling a woman their health is poor unless you have such a good relationship that you can honestly tell her these things and she would take it seriously and not as some sort of insult.

Also, in that example, she sees you are improving and she probably knows she is not and that alone probably makes her a bit jealous or upset in some way.

We've been together almost 7 years now, and lived together for 5 of those. She was asking why I was apprehensive about moving forward with her, and her health is a huge component. She never sleeps. She gets maybe 4 hours a night at best. She's drinking more in a week than I do in a month. She lied to a doctor to get a vyvanse prescription for the soul purpose of losing weight because she won't do any kind of physical activity. She'll lay in bed for days at a time and not shower or anything (this is after she moved out). She beyond absent minded and can't seem to ever focus on anything because her brain is always in work mode. She's managed to get into five accidents in the last four years that required totaling a car or getting it fixed at a garage. Throw in a DUI with a six month license suspension as well. There's a lot to it. I want a family and kids. I would have preferred to have gotten going on that two years ago or so, and I haven't because of her. It's gotten to the point where I don't think she'd be a good mom. I don't know if I could trust her with my kid. Which really sucks.

She never used to be this way. In the last 6 months she lived with me she started to crack a bit, and over the last two years has just gone completely off the deep end.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3529 on: August 13, 2020, 11:51:21 AM »
TBH, I don't think there's much to gain at all by telling a woman their health is poor unless you have such a good relationship that you can honestly tell her these things and she would take it seriously and not as some sort of insult.

Also, in that example, she sees you are improving and she probably knows she is not and that alone probably makes her a bit jealous or upset in some way.

We've been together almost 7 years now, and lived together for 5 of those. She was asking why I was apprehensive about moving forward with her, and her health is a huge component. She never sleeps. She gets maybe 4 hours a night at best. She's drinking more in a week than I do in a month. She lied to a doctor to get a vyvanse prescription for the soul purpose of losing weight because she won't do any kind of physical activity. She'll lay in bed for days at a time and not shower or anything (this is after she moved out). She beyond absent minded and can't seem to ever focus on anything because her brain is always in work mode. She's managed to get into five accidents in the last four years that required totaling a car or getting it fixed at a garage. Throw in a DUI with a six month license suspension as well. There's a lot to it. I want a family and kids. I would have preferred to have gotten going on that two years ago or so, and I haven't because of her. It's gotten to the point where I don't think she'd be a good mom. I don't know if I could trust her with my kid. Which really sucks.

She never used to be this way. In the last 6 months she lived with me she started to crack a bit, and over the last two years has just gone completely off the deep end.

Yea, I didn't mean that comment as a negative towards you since I know you've been with her for a long time and you've had your ups and downs lately.  I got to think, her going off the deep end and you commenting on it which made her pivot is a big sign that this isn't meant for you.  You are going one way, she is going the other and even after all that time together, you can't have an honest conversation.

Offline Chino

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3530 on: August 13, 2020, 11:57:36 AM »
TBH, I don't think there's much to gain at all by telling a woman their health is poor unless you have such a good relationship that you can honestly tell her these things and she would take it seriously and not as some sort of insult.

Also, in that example, she sees you are improving and she probably knows she is not and that alone probably makes her a bit jealous or upset in some way.

We've been together almost 7 years now, and lived together for 5 of those. She was asking why I was apprehensive about moving forward with her, and her health is a huge component. She never sleeps. She gets maybe 4 hours a night at best. She's drinking more in a week than I do in a month. She lied to a doctor to get a vyvanse prescription for the soul purpose of losing weight because she won't do any kind of physical activity. She'll lay in bed for days at a time and not shower or anything (this is after she moved out). She beyond absent minded and can't seem to ever focus on anything because her brain is always in work mode. She's managed to get into five accidents in the last four years that required totaling a car or getting it fixed at a garage. Throw in a DUI with a six month license suspension as well. There's a lot to it. I want a family and kids. I would have preferred to have gotten going on that two years ago or so, and I haven't because of her. It's gotten to the point where I don't think she'd be a good mom. I don't know if I could trust her with my kid. Which really sucks.

She never used to be this way. In the last 6 months she lived with me she started to crack a bit, and over the last two years has just gone completely off the deep end.

Yea, I didn't mean that comment as a negative towards you since I know you've been with her for a long time and you've had your ups and downs lately.  I got to think, her going off the deep end and you commenting on it which made her pivot is a big sign that this isn't meant for you.  You are going one way, she is going the other and even after all that time together, you can't have an honest conversation.

And that's one of my biggest issues. We used to be able to talk about anything and everything, and now I feel like I can't be honest. She used to accept proper criticism and feedback. She wanted it to help her grow. Now she wants to bury her head in the sand and not acknowledge any of the reality around her.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3531 on: August 13, 2020, 12:15:25 PM »
My guess is she knows she is doing some self sabotage, maybe out of depression, and seeing you bettering yourself while questioning her makes her very uncomfortable.  I'd say you are doing things right though and keep up the good work, don't let her drag you down into her rabbit hole.

Offline Chino

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3532 on: August 13, 2020, 12:16:58 PM »
That's what I'm thinking as well. I'm ready to move on to greener pastures.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3533 on: August 13, 2020, 12:26:35 PM »
Chino, been there.  I feel bad for you.  You're probably closer to being right than you know; my ex changed pretty radically from the time we met to the time we divorced, and in the midperiod there were a LOT of medical issues.  Without sharing her info, suffice to say that blood chemistry can be a factor here, if there's really that level of personality change (as opposed to just growing apart). 

Offline Chino

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3534 on: August 13, 2020, 02:09:08 PM »
Yeah. It's definitely sucked. All the selfish shit aside (having to pay for a house on a single income, watching all of my friends starting families, not getting laid, etc..), it's been really crappy having to watch someone you love just slowly slip away in a really self-destructive fashion, all the while being completely powerless help. It got to the point where I felt like I was setting myself on fire to keep someone else warm. I had enough.