Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[cramx3]

I haven't been active on here in awhile, but I've still been seeing 23yo although we are still far from being anything serious.  Shit we haven't even had sex and it's been like 4 months of seeing each other.  Which typically would be more than enough time for me to give a girl the boot.  I respect not putting out immediately but it's been way too long and I need sex.  Well anyway, she's so damn awesome and we have such a great time together that I kind of still enjoy seeing her and love chatting with her.  When we are together all we do is laugh.  It's great.  But there's been no sex, the couple times I brought it up her only response is soon. 

Having said that, while seeing her I probably dated like 4 or 5 other girls.  And before I left for Atlanta I went on a second date with this new girl from Staten Island (well from upstate NY really, but lives in SI).   She came over and we had some great sex.  It was an amazing release since it's been awhile since I had gotten laid.  However, we talk a lot and she's a cool girl and now I feel pretty bad about 23yo.  I mean we are so far from being anything serious, but I've never actually been sexually active with one girl while seeing another.  Im supposed to see the new girl, let's call her upstate, on Saturday and then 23yo on Sunday night. 

I'm kind of lost.  I feel like 23yo has the better personality and I enjoy the time with her more, but upstate is way more sexual and fun in that way.  I wish I could combine those two.  However, I feel bad about being with two girls and I haven't been open about that.  I haven't had to lie either since neither of these relationships have been serious, but I've been seeing 23yo for the longest since my ex.  My friends have said I need to stop it with 23yo, but it's so damn hard to not want to talk and see her since we have so much fun together.  I'm thinking I need to have a more serious discussion to understand where her head is or maybe I'm thinking I should try to friendzone her since she would probably be a cool friend.  I'm not really sure.

On another note, I also hung out with a girl I dated almost 2 years ago the other week.  Totally as friends, at least I thought so although she dressed very seductively  but we just chilled together and with one of her friends so it was all good, I think.

[NunoTenniscourt]

I haven't been active on here in awhile, but I've still been seeing 23yo although we are still far from being anything serious.  Shit we haven't even had sex and it's been like 4 months of seeing each other.  Which typically would be more than enough time for me to give a girl the boot.  I respect not putting out immediately but it's been way too long and I need sex.  Well anyway, she's so damn awesome and we have such a great time together that I kind of still enjoy seeing her and love chatting with her.  When we are together all we do is laugh.  It's great.  But there's been no sex, the couple times I brought it up her only response is soon. 

Having said that, while seeing her I probably dated like 4 or 5 other girls.  And before I left for Atlanta I went on a second date with this new girl from Staten Island (well from upstate NY really, but lives in SI).   She came over and we had some great sex.  It was an amazing release since it's been awhile since I had gotten laid.  However, we talk a lot and she's a cool girl and now I feel pretty bad about 23yo.  I mean we are so far from being anything serious, but I've never actually been sexually active with one girl while seeing another.  Im supposed to see the new girl, let's call her upstate, on Saturday and then 23yo on Sunday night. 

I'm kind of lost.  I feel like 23yo has the better personality and I enjoy the time with her more, but upstate is way more sexual and fun in that way.  I wish I could combine those two.  However, I feel bad about being with two girls and I haven't been open about that.  I haven't had to lie either since neither of these relationships have been serious, but I've been seeing 23yo for the longest since my ex.  My friends have said I need to stop it with 23yo, but it's so damn hard to not want to talk and see her since we have so much fun together.  I'm thinking I need to have a more serious discussion to understand where her head is or maybe I'm thinking I should try to friendzone her since she would probably be a cool friend.  I'm not really sure.

On another note, I also hung out with a girl I dated almost 2 years ago the other week.  Totally as friends, at least I thought so although she dressed very seductively  but we just chilled together and with one of her friends so it was all good, I think.

If there's no commitment to any of them, and you aren't being deceptive or misleading, you have nothing to feel guilty over.

[Stadler]

Cram, I'm usually the "be honest; lying by omission is still lying" kind of guy, and I've had to deal with that in my own relationship more than I'd like to admit.

But here, I think you're fine.   What if 23yo turns out to be everything you dreamed of in the sack?   Why not, if everything else is good, see where it goes?   If you've not committed to monogamy with her, I don't see the difference.   (You just have to be honest with yourself; if 23yo is expecting you to be four months fresh when you finally DO do it, well, that's something you have to face).   Maybe it's because I'm older, but when you're 70 the conversation, the "I love being with her" is going to be far more important than whether she tickles your balls with her tongue.   Yeah, it's important, no I'm not suggesting you compromise your sex life, but I'm saying wait until you have FULL information until you make a decision.  You have a big data gap right now, and I don't think you should make a decision - provided your conscience can support your actions - until you've filled that data gap.

[cramx3]

Yea that all makes sense. Maybe it's because it's uncharted territory for me that it makes me feel uneasy about it. I just don't like to be considered an asshole or something and while it does feel like it's fair game considering the non seriousness, I do kind of feel like an asshole.

On another note, I did meet a pretty cool girl in Atlanta through tinder. Strictly a friendship though, but was really cool how we matched and chatted and made it clear to just be friends and we met up for drinks a couple nights this week. Girls just aren't that nice near me in NJ to just be able to be a friend through tinder.

[Stadler]

There's a difference between being an asshole and someone thinking you're an asshole because things didn't work out the way they thought they would in their head.  Granted, it's not always possible to separate the two (or to see when it's one not the other) but I think if you're honest with yourself, and reasonably honest with both of them, you'll be fine. 

[Prog Snob]

Having said that, while seeing her I probably dated like 4 or 5 other girls.  And before I left for Atlanta I went on a second date with this new girl from Staten Island (well from upstate NY really, but lives in SI).   She came over and we had some great sex.  It was an amazing release since it's been awhile since I had gotten laid.  However, we talk a lot and she's a cool girl and now I feel pretty bad about 23yo.  I mean we are so far from being anything serious, but I've never actually been sexually active with one girl while seeing another.  Im supposed to see the new girl, let's call her upstate, on Saturday and then 23yo on Sunday night. 

Where in Staten Island is this girl from?

[cramx3]

Having said that, while seeing her I probably dated like 4 or 5 other girls.  And before I left for Atlanta I went on a second date with this new girl from Staten Island (well from upstate NY really, but lives in SI).   She came over and we had some great sex.  It was an amazing release since it's been awhile since I had gotten laid.  However, we talk a lot and she's a cool girl and now I feel pretty bad about 23yo.  I mean we are so far from being anything serious, but I've never actually been sexually active with one girl while seeing another.  Im supposed to see the new girl, let's call her upstate, on Saturday and then 23yo on Sunday night. 

Where in Staten Island is this girl from?

Near the outerbridge.  Not sure exactly.  Im going to her place tomorrow so I should have a better idea then.  I'm not really familiar with SI overall.

[Adami]

I feel like a huge portion of this thread is a build up to Cram and Prog finally having a 3 way (don't worry, no contact between you two). So I'll just be hanging out here until that happens.




....waiting...

[Prog Snob]

Having said that, while seeing her I probably dated like 4 or 5 other girls.  And before I left for Atlanta I went on a second date with this new girl from Staten Island (well from upstate NY really, but lives in SI).   She came over and we had some great sex.  It was an amazing release since it's been awhile since I had gotten laid.  However, we talk a lot and she's a cool girl and now I feel pretty bad about 23yo.  I mean we are so far from being anything serious, but I've never actually been sexually active with one girl while seeing another.  Im supposed to see the new girl, let's call her upstate, on Saturday and then 23yo on Sunday night. 

Where in Staten Island is this girl from?

Near the outerbridge.  Not sure exactly.  Im going to her place tomorrow so I should have a better idea then.  I'm not really familiar with SI overall.

That's near me. I'm only asking because it would be funny (or not so much) if you were dating one of my many cousins.

I feel like a huge portion of this thread is a build up to Cram and Prog finally having a 3 way (don't worry, no contact between you two). So I'll just be hanging out here until that happens.




....waiting...

[cramx3]

 

She is from binghampton though, not from the area and has no family here.

[Prog Snob]

So, I put in my profile that I'd like to meet someone who knows how to write and doesn't write lyk dis yo. The first fucking message I get. Hi, h r u? Wht r u up 2?

Are you fucking kidding me?

[Adami]

So, I put in my profile that I'd like to meet someone who knows how to write and doesn't write lyk dis yo. The first fucking message I get. Hi, h r u? Wht r u up 2?

Are you fucking kidding me?

A brilliant attempt at irony?

[Stadler]

That's something I would do to break the ice.

[Prog Snob]

So, I put in my profile that I'd like to meet someone who knows how to write and doesn't write lyk dis yo. The first fucking message I get. Hi, h r u? Wht r u up 2?

Are you fucking kidding me?

A brilliant attempt at irony?

That's something I would do to break the ice.

I don't think this was an attempt at humor.

[cramx3]

That's something I would do to break the ice.

Me too. 

I don't think this was an attempt at humor.

But how do you know?  I would start a convo if I felt the girl's profile was attractive.

[King Postwhore]

John, da fuq?

[Prog Snob]

I don't think this was an attempt at humor.

But how do you know?  I would start a convo if I felt the girl's profile was attractive.

It's just a gut feeling that she really does type like that sometimes. She lives far though, so I doubt I'll pursue her further.

John, da fuq?

Was that Russian? 

[cramx3]

So last weekend, I hung out with Upstate at her place in Staten Island.  It was nice, we went to Outback for drinks and dinner and then back to her place.  She kind of forced me to watch reality TV which I wasn't crazy about but then we went to her bedroom and had some fun.  I kind of felt like she was rushing things a bit.  She was making a lot of off hand comments about our future together.  They weren't much but there were a bunch through out the night and when added up made me really feel like she was internally planning out the next couple months together.  She had also been saying things through text and acting very much attached overall.  While I mostly had fun that evening, I left feeling like maybe things were too much for someone I've hardly hung out with and given my other situation with 23yo.  So the next day I hung out with 23yo in the evening.  We had our typical night of hanging out at my place and it was just such a better experience.  Anyway, we actuallly became a bit more sexually active as well.  She admitted she was a virgin (which I was thinking was the case, but also not totally sure how I feel about that) but then proceeded to have fun in other sexual ways.  It was huge progress and afterwards really made me feel like Upstate was not what I was interested in.

So this week.  23yo made plans with me for Wednesday and Upstate for Thursday since both wanted to celebrate my birthday.   Wednesday was a ton of fun with 23yo.  Nothing really crazy, but our typical fun night together.  And then today.  Well the entire week I had mostly slowed down my talking with Upstate because I honestly just wasn't even looking forward to hanging out with her.  It definitely felt like 23yo made the move at the right time and kind of just left me feeling like I was more excited for one and not the other girl.  This morning I told Upstate that I didn't think there was a future together and wrote a really long message describing my feelings.  She didn't respond at all.  I clearly hurt her and I feel terrible.  I do feel like a weight is off my back.  I am really surprised I never got a response because she is really a talker.  Well 23yo and I plan on watching the debate on Monday together and I am so excited for the night together.  I guess maybe starting things with Upstate was a mistake but I'm glad things shaked out this week.

[Stadler]

^^^ I think this is consistent with what I've said before, but don't beat yourself up.  remember what I said:  there's "being an asshole" because you truly are an inconsiderate fu**, and there's "being an asshole" simply because you didn't give the answer that was desired or expected.   If that comparison was what was necessary to get your head straight, I don't think I'd waste too much breath apologizing, except to be polite and considerate.   

[NunoTenniscourt]

So last weekend, I hung out with Upstate at her place in Staten Island.  It was nice, we went to Outback for drinks and dinner and then back to her place.  She kind of forced me to watch reality TV which I wasn't crazy about but then we went to her bedroom and had some fun.  I kind of felt like she was rushing things a bit.  She was making a lot of off hand comments about our future together.  They weren't much but there were a bunch through out the night and when added up made me really feel like she was internally planning out the next couple months together.  She had also been saying things through text and acting very much attached overall.  While I mostly had fun that evening, I left feeling like maybe things were too much for someone I've hardly hung out with

Oh, boy. Yeah, these scenarios rarely turn out well. When women do this, it's out of being in love with the concept of being in a relationship more than it is about the guy himself. Sure, she may find various things about him attractive, otherwise she wouldn't be hanging out with him, but when the insinuations of deep feelings and plans being made for the two of you far in advance that reveal she envisions the two of you being an "item" surface, it's time to be a bit concerned. This is why I always discuss intent before the ball even gets rolling, so to speak. It's usually effective, but once in a blue moon, I'll still run into a problem.

About a month ago, I hooked up with a nice looking blonde after a local gig, and explained to her I wasn't looking for a relationship beforehand. She told me she had too much going on in her life to be in one, as well. The next morning, she asked if we could exchange numbers. She said "no problem with us still communicating as friends, right?" I agreed.

Two days later, she texted me an announcement for an event in 2017, along with the words "hey, babe. we need to go to this." Rather than text her, I called her, and we had the uncomfortable talk. She was cool about it, but I never heard from her again after it.

[bout to crash]

Oh man, that's a bit much

Anyway, I deactivated my OKC profile for now. I'm over being disappointed by people.

[cramx3]

Anyway, I deactivated my OKC profile for now. I'm over being disappointed by people.

Sorry to hear that. 

Upstate finally messaged me back from last Thursday morning when I sent her the ending text.  She sent me a long message and she said she saw it coming based on how I acted Saturday, but then blamed me for not acting like I was going to end it as well.  So that was confusing, but Im glad she responded because I felt like that was kind of dick as well to just ignore me when I wrote out a really long thoughtful message.  Either way, the dust has settled with that.

On a side note, my ex who I was engaged to and dated for 9 years, who I broke up with 2 years ago, is now engaged again.  Not bitter or any negativity from me on that, just find it odd how quickly she settled back down and it's with a guy I had met before since he was a friend of her friends and that I'm fairly certain he was the only guy she dated since we broke up.  I think I've dated over 20 girls in that time.  Kind of funny how things turn out.  No complaints from me, best of luck to her.

[NunoTenniscourt]

Upstate finally messaged me back from last Thursday morning when I sent her the ending text.  She sent me a long message and she said she saw it coming based on how I acted Saturday, but then blamed me for not acting like I was going to end it as well.  So that was confusing, but Im glad she responded because I felt like that was kind of dick as well to just ignore me when I wrote out a really long thoughtful message.  Either way, the dust has settled with that.

Well, good. You didn't lie to or mislead her, so you have every reason to feel zero guilt. As big a proponent I am of whoring around, the very second a guy starts hurling bullshit promises or is purposely unclear about his intent to get a woman into bed is the moment he becomes a scumbag. I have no respect for that shit, and I am quick to call out any of my friends who are still compelled to resort to that kind of nonsense.

[cramx3]

Yea, I don't think I was ever dishonest or anything with her.  I'm just happy that was last week and this week brings new adventures.  Had a debate date last night with 23yo which was really fun.

[Stadler]

Hand job every time Trump said "big lig"?   

[cramx3]

Hand job every time Trump said "big lig"?

  nah just one at the end of the debate 

[Prog Snob]

Hand job every time Trump said "big lig"?   

Are you offering?

[Stadler]

I would, I'm nothing if not a team player, but I don't want to complicate things for Cram; he's finally got a little direction!     

[Prog Snob]

 Hold that thought until he needs it. 

[cramx3]

I'm so confused, I lost whatever direction I had I think

[Prog Snob]

[Prog Snob]

So, a couple of weeks ago I saw this girl on the train on my way home. We made eye contact, smiled, and I figured it was one of those situations where we would never see each other again. However, she winds up getting off at my stop. The next morning, as I'm waiting for the train to arrive, I see her again. We smile, say hello, and that's that. Over the last couple of weeks I saw her a few times and we exchanged a hello or how are you. I kept trying to force myself to go up to her and start a conversation. I overthink things sometimes so instead of just doing it, I'm playing the conversation starter in my head a million times. Last night I saw her on the train again. I was waiting for the doors to open and she was behind me, so as they opened I turned to her and said, "after you." She gave me a big smile, said thank you, and that was it.

So this morning comes. I'm standing on the platform and I didn't see her at first. I told myself that if she showed up that I would start a conversation and maybe even get her number. A couple of minutes before the train arrives I see her walking down the platform. She stops about fifteen feet away and I'm looking straight ahead, but I have excellent peripheral vision and I can see her eyeing me. I turn to her and she smiles and says hi. I say hi back, ask her how she's doing, and that's that. We get on the train. I sit near her and I'm thinking in my head how to start the conversation. I finally say fuck it and move to sit next to her. She smiles and says hi again. I asked her name and from that moment until we went different ways we had a great conversation. Before I got off the ferry I asked if she would like to exchange numbers. So now I'm playing the Swingers game. Do I message her right away or wait until around lunch time? Or do I wait until tonight? That is the question of the day.

[sylvan]

You always wait three days to call a woman. Jesus waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story!

[Stadler]

I'm so confused, I lost whatever direction I had I think

Well, not that it's my thing, or that I'm looking forward to it or anything, but apparently Prog Snob just pimped you a handjob at some future date.   

[Stadler]

So, a couple of weeks ago I saw this girl on the train on my way home. We made eye contact, smiled, and I figured it was one of those situations where we would never see each other again. However, she winds up getting off at my stop. The next morning, as I'm waiting for the train to arrive, I see her again. We smile, say hello, and that's that. Over the last couple of weeks I saw her a few times and we exchanged a hello or how are you. I kept trying to force myself to go up to her and start a conversation. I overthink things sometimes so instead of just doing it, I'm playing the conversation starter in my head a million times. Last night I saw her on the train again. I was waiting for the doors to open and she was behind me, so as they opened I turned to her and said, "after you." She gave me a big smile, said thank you, and that was it.

So this morning comes. I'm standing on the platform and I didn't see her at first. I told myself that if she showed up that I would start a conversation and maybe even get her number. A couple of minutes before the train arrives I see her walking down the platform. She stops about fifteen feet away and I'm looking straight ahead, but I have excellent peripheral vision and I can see her eyeing me. I turn to her and she smiles and says hi. I say hi back, ask her how she's doing, and that's that. We get on the train. I sit near her and I'm thinking in my head how to start the conversation. I finally say fuck it and move to sit next to her. She smiles and says hi again. I asked her name and from that moment until we went different ways we had a great conversation. Before I got off the ferry I asked if she would like to exchange numbers. So now I'm playing the Swingers game. Do I message her right away or wait until around lunch time? Or do I wait until tonight? That is the question of the day.

Not that you need advise from me, but one thought:   whether it is one day, two days, three days, whatever, but DO NOT wait until the next random meet at the train.  ABSOLUTELY message her, because that sends the message that it's NOT random.  Assuming you're interested, of course. 

EDIT:  Oh, and I don't buy into the "three day rule".  It's all in keeping with your interactions so far; you have to read her.    You've been catching random meetings so far and it's working, so for you, I wouldn't do it immediately.  I wouldn't wait until Christ rises again, either.   Sounds like - and this is ultimately your call of course - a day or two.   Not too soon, to preserve the anticipation you have already, but not too late, so you risk running into her again and having to say the EXTREMELY LAME "I was going to message you...".  Yeah, sure, but you DIDN'T.