Make this thread reach 100 pages with funny lines from comedy films

[WDADU]

"I desperately wanna make love to a schoolboy."

Lloyd Christmas
Dumb And Dumber (1994)

[TheGreatPretender]

"Why the long face?"
"I believe it has something to do with flagrant misuse of forceps during my birth."
-Ajax, Duckman

[jingle.boy]

You wear too much eye makeup. My sister wears too much. People think she's a whore. --- <Sheen's character> Ferris Bueller's Day Off

[cramx3]

"Samsonite.. I was way off!"

Dumb and dumber

[Podaar]

"Tell Victor that Ramon - -the fella he met about a week ago? - -tell him that Ramon went to the clinic today, and I found out that I have, um, herpes simplex 10, and I think Victor should go check himself out with his physician to make sure everything is fine before things start falling off on the man." -- Axel Foley; Beverly Hills Cop

[KevShmev]

"Hey, where're the white women at?" -Sheriff Bart, Blazing Saddles

[TempusVox]

Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet!
Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
Jay: Dude, not all the time!
~Jay and Rufus
Dogma

Bethany: Wait a minute. Christ. You know Christ?
Rufus: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!
~Bethany and Rufus
Dogma

"You know him, too? That fucking guy. Made this flick "Sixteen Candles", right? Not bad. It's got tits in it, but no bush. Of course Ebert over here don't give a shit about that stuff, 'cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy and rents every one of his movies. Fucking "Breakfast Club", all these stupid kids actually show up to detention. Fucking "Weird Science", where this one chick wants to take off her gear and get down. But, ah, no, she don't, cause it's a PG movie. And then there's "Pretty in Pink", which I can't watch with this tubby motherfucker anymore, [gestures to Silent Bob] because every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little eight-year-old with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse then watching a fat man weep."
~Jay
Dogma

"Hey, you know, fuck you, man; any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial, man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer."
~Loki
Dogma

You could damn near do all 100 pages from this film alone

[TempusVox]

"Shut the fuck up Donny."

"Donny! shut the fuck uhhh...when do we play?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? The Chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please."

"This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass Larry! "
~Walter Sobchak
Big Lebowski

Walter Sobchak: Also, let's not forget - let's NOT forget, Dude - that keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city - that aint legal either.
The Dude: What are you, a fucking park ranger?
Walter Sobchak: No, I'm...
The Dude: Who gives a shit about the marmot!?
~The Dude and Walter
Big Lebowski

The same could be said for this film too!

[KevShmev]

"Speaking of which, do you, uh, think, uh, you could, uh, give me my 20 thousand in cash? Uh, my concern is, and I have to check wi-with my accountant, but but this might bump me up into a higher tax, uh..." -The Dude, The Big Lebowski

[KevShmev]

"This is a very complicated case, Maude. You know, a lotta ins, a lotta outs, a lotta what-have-yous. And, uh, a lotta strands to keep in my head, man. Lotta strands in old Duder's head. Fortunately, I'm adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug regimen to keep my mind, you know, uh, limber." -The Dude, The Big Lebowski

[TempusVox]

"Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol? "

"Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. "
~ Clark Griswold
Christmas Vacation


Eddie: Your company kill all them people in India not too long ago?
Clark: No, we missed out on that one.
 ~Clark and Cousin Eddie
Christmas Vacation

My favorite comedy of all time. You could probably get quite a few pages out of this one too.

[cramx3]

Love the dogma quotes, havent seen that movie in awhile, but love Jay and Silent Bob... and I love Red Bank, NJ.

[TheGreatPretender]

Yeah, Dogma kicks ass. And while we're on Kevin Smith...

"You’d do it with a bunch of guys just to get a car? I thought I knew you, man."
-Randal, The Flying Car

[KevShmev]

"SEDA-GIVE?!?!" -Dr. Frankenstein, Young Frankenstein

[jammindude]

"Was that a goat?"

-Big Trouble (2001)

Underrated CLASSIC.   

[Rattlehead]

"You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Petey didn't even have a head!"

"Harry... I took care of it..."

Dumb and Dumber 

[TheSilentHam]

"I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much I completely stay away from them!" - The 40 yr. Old Virgin

[Zook]

"Give me a name"

"Weren't your parents supposed to do that?"

- Loaded Weapon 1

[KevShmev]

"Look! It's the old man from scene 24." -Bedevere, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

[Jarlaxle]

"Big gulps eh? Well, see ya later!"

-Lloyd Christmas, Dumb and Dumber

[Jaq]

"Look! It's the old man from scene 24." -Bedevere, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Oh, Holy Grail.

Sir Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
French Soldier: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.


Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.
Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!

 Large Man with Dead Body: Who's that then?
The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with Dead Body: Why?
The Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.

King of Swamp Castle: When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.

Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege!
King Arthur: [in awe] Camelot!
Sir Galahad: [in awe] Camelot!
Sir Lancelot: [in awe] Camelot!
Patsy: [derisively] It's only a model!
King Arthur: Shh!

King of Swamp Castle: We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
Prince Herbert: But I don't like her.
King of Swamp Castle: Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.

Yeah, you could get five pages out of Holy Grail.

[Jaq]

And in fact, this masterpiece I used in a logic class when I was in college to demonstrate how an argument could be logically sound AND completely invalid at once:


Sir Bedevere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1: Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1: Burn them.
Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1: More witches.
Peasant 2: Wood.
Sir Bedevere: Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3: ...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1: Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1: Bread.
Peasant 2: Apples.
Peasant 3: Very small rocks.
Peasant 1: Cider.
Peasant 2: Gravy.
Peasant 3: Cherries.
Peasant 1: Mud.
Peasant 2: Churches.
Peasant 3: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck.
Sir Bedevere: ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere: And therefore...
Peasant 2: ...A witch!

Pretty sure suggesting this to the instructor got me an A for the class on the spot.

[jingle.boy]

Bring out your dead.  -- The Dead Collector; Monty Python and the Holy Grail

[hefdaddy42]

The Old Man: Keep your thought as pure as the water.
Chandler Jarrell: Hey, this water ain't really that pure.
The Old Man: Un-heh, neither are you.

 - The Golden Child

[TheGreatPretender]

"Kick his ass, Seabass!"
-Seabass' friend, Dumb & Dumber

"Breath mint, sir?"
-Harry, Dumb & Dumber

[jingle.boy]

So you're telling me there's a chance... *YEAH!* -- Lloyd; Dumb and Dumber

[KevShmev]

"Breath mint, sir?"
-Harry, Dumb & Dumber

"Tic Tac, sir" is actually what he says, IIRC. 

[KevShmev]

And in fact, this masterpiece I used in a logic class when I was in college to demonstrate how an argument could be logically sound AND completely invalid at once:


Sir Bedevere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1: Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1: Burn them.
Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1: More witches.
Peasant 2: Wood.
Sir Bedevere: Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3: ...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1: Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1: Bread.
Peasant 2: Apples.
Peasant 3: Very small rocks.
Peasant 1: Cider.
Peasant 2: Gravy.
Peasant 3: Cherries.
Peasant 1: Mud.
Peasant 2: Churches.
Peasant 3: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck.
Sir Bedevere: ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere: And therefore...
Peasant 2: ...A witch!

Pretty sure suggesting this to the instructor got me an A for the class on the spot.

  That's awesome.

"Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies." -Roger, The Holy Grail

[jingle.boy]

Always make sure the parents are around when you hug a child. --- Brick Tamland; Anchorman 2 (trailer)

[TheGreatPretender]

"Tic Tac, sir" is actually what he says, IIRC. 

Somewhere out there, a quote exists that goes, "Breath Mint"... I don't know where... Obviously not in Dumb & Dumber, but it's out there. It's out there, I tell you!

Ahchoo: "Hey, Blinkin."
Blinkin: "Did you say, Abe Lincoln?"
-Robin Hood, Men in Tights

[vtgrad]

"... what, now you want to hang out with my friends; a failed actress and a Twat?
"That's harsh!"
"Your words!"
"I did not call Diane a failed actress!"
Shawn of the Dead

[jingle.boy]

I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you!  Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam. -- Uncle Buck

[Rattlehead]

"I can get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog..."

Lloyd Christmas, Dumb and Dumber

[Podaar]

"You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons." - Jim "The Waco Kid"; Blazing Saddles

[Dream Team]

"Nice beaver!" - Frank Drebin, The Naked Gun

And no, I didn't read through the 3 pages to see if it had been posted already.