Author Topic: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.  (Read 4058 times)

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Offline Ħ

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Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« on: December 10, 2012, 05:27:52 PM »
'Bout to graduate from university and enter the big scary world. Several others are too (or are about to).
 
Oft times I hear people say things like "Oh, if only I knew X when I was younger." So, now that you're older...what is X?  ;D
 
I'm looking for advice from people with many more years behind them. Just wondering what things look from the other side of the fence.
 
Here's more than a few questions I'd like to ask:
 
-What are reasonable expectations to have of life?
-What are reasonable expectations to have of yourself?
-Which is more important to look for - opportunity for change or solid stability?
-What are good things to worry about, and what are useless things to worry about?
-How do you cope with more and more people in your family passing away? (Sorry if this is a loaded or emotional question.)
-Is it better to be organized and follow a set routine or to be fun and spontaneous?
-What are things you wish you could do when you were younger but now you can't? (Sorry if this is another loaded question.)
-For the older members who are single - what is life like? How is it different from when you were young and single?
-For the older members who are married/not single - same question, how is your life different?
 
Oh and by older, I'm meaning 35 to 40+. That's still 15 to 20 years ahead of me (and a huge chunk of DTF's demographic).
 
So...yeah. What's the secret to being so awesome as you all are??  ;D
 
But for real, your take on these questions would be very very appreciated.
"All great works are prepared in the desert, including the redemption of the world. The precursors, the followers, the Master Himself, all obeyed or have to obey one and the same law. Prophets, apostles, preachers, martyrs, pioneers of knowledge, inspired artists in every art, ordinary men and the Man-God, all pay tribute to loneliness, to the life of silence, to the night." - A. G. Sertillanges

Offline splent

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2012, 05:37:43 PM »
I was about to post (I'm 29) but I'm too young for your standards  :P
I don’t know what to put here anymore

Offline Ħ

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2012, 05:38:38 PM »
I mean, if you want, go ahead. That's still really old, IMO.
"All great works are prepared in the desert, including the redemption of the world. The precursors, the followers, the Master Himself, all obeyed or have to obey one and the same law. Prophets, apostles, preachers, martyrs, pioneers of knowledge, inspired artists in every art, ordinary men and the Man-God, all pay tribute to loneliness, to the life of silence, to the night." - A. G. Sertillanges

Offline CrimsonSunrise

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2012, 07:03:14 PM »
It all depends on what YOU want out of life my friend.  The one thing I tell most 20 somethings though, is to start your retirement fund ASAP!!!!  Whether it's a 401K, or personal investment plan, max it out and do it NOW.  It's NEVER too early to start.  I started at 28 and regret that I couldn't have done it back at 20.  Now that I'm 10 years from retirement... I'm stressing a bit over it.  One thing I did different than most, is I don't have kids.  There's pros and cons to that.  Obviously the con is I will never enjoy that bond, the pro is I've had the freedom to travel the world and do what ever I wanted.

Offline Dr. DTVT

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2012, 08:36:27 PM »
Learn this song...memorize it...and accept it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsYEJjHSwrM
     

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2012, 08:56:38 PM »
...and then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run.  You missed the starting gun.


When I was younger, I had a lot of ideas about how things would be when I was older.  I had a lot of things I wanted to do when I was older.  As I got older, some of my aspirations changed, reality hit hard, and I had to adjust.  Priorities got screwed up, plus some unexpected things came up.  We started having kids before we'd bought our first house, and with the added financial burden of raising kids, it was harder to save for the house.  The result was my son started elementary school in the crappy school district in the crappy area where we lived and I went "Shit!" because there's no way my kids were gonna learn anything.  I had to borrow cash from my parents for a down payment on a house in a decent area with decent schools, and it won't be paid off until I'm 60 years old.  Do not fall into that.

Make a plan and keep to it.  Keep your priorities straight.  Don't run up credit card debt; pay those suckers off every month.

Time will begin to move more quickly.  Because you're older, you have a better understanding of long-term planning.  When you're little, a year is forever.  A summer is forever.  Waiting a week for your birthday is forever.  Now you make plans for this weekend and it's only Monday.  You make plans for next week, next month, next year.  Don't let time get away from you.  I'm already thinking about how many more years until the house is paid off, then I'll have more money.  I'm thinking about the projects I'm working on that will be done next month, then I'll have more time.  I'm thinking about something cool coming up this weekend and it's only Monday.  Don't let time shrink!  If all you're thinking about is the good time you're gonna have this weekend, you will miss some good times this week.  If you keep thinking about that vacation or whatever in a few months, you will miss out on some fun stuff between now and then.  If you keep thinking "Just x more years..." those years will eventually pass, and you'll get there and realize that not much is different except that x years have passed and now you're x years older.  How the hell did that happen?

Enjoy life now.  Today.  This minute.  Enjoy it every day, every week, every month.  Yeah, plan for the future, but don't forget to enjoy the present.

Offline Ħ

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2012, 09:00:18 PM »
@Orbert.

Basically...don't waste time on DTF? :lol
"All great works are prepared in the desert, including the redemption of the world. The precursors, the followers, the Master Himself, all obeyed or have to obey one and the same law. Prophets, apostles, preachers, martyrs, pioneers of knowledge, inspired artists in every art, ordinary men and the Man-God, all pay tribute to loneliness, to the life of silence, to the night." - A. G. Sertillanges

Offline hefdaddy42

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2012, 09:03:44 PM »
Fuck credit cards.

Yeah, start retirement planning now.

Don't have kids too soon.

Virtually everything you think right now is wrong. 
Hef is right on all things. Except for when I disagree with him. In which case he's probably still right.

Offline Perpetual Change

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2012, 09:08:32 PM »
H, I'm not that much older than you, but I hope you're hitting the ground running with whatever it is you want to do after you graduation. Way too many of my friends are 1, 2, 3 or 4 years out of college and still working at convenience stores because they dicked around during and after school. You're gonna have to work hard applying, or even volunteering your skills and time for experience.

As far as DTF goes... trust me, you won't have time to waste on it soon. Notice how DTF is mainly populated by students and people above 40? Mid/late 20's and 30's are the busiest time, I'm sure, if where my life is currently going is any indication. You will run out of time for DTF sooner than you can voluntarily pull yourself away from it.

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2012, 11:18:44 PM »
The wisdom of me.....

-What are reasonable expectations to have of life?
  -None, don't have any expectations in life, unfulfilled ones lead to disappointment, and fulfilled ones lead to greed. The sweetest parts of          life are the unexpected ones. Also, sometimes the work done yields more rewards as to growth and change than the goal does. Focus on the work needed to be done, let life take care of the outcomes.

-What are reasonable expectations to have of yourself?
  -Peace of mind and serenity. Being able to look in the mirror and love what you see, not in a narcicistic sense, but in a sense that you do all you can for yourself and for others to live up to the moral and ethical standards your conciense dictates.

-Which is more important to look for - opportunity for change or solid stability?
  -Take what is needed at the moment, life fluctuates constantly. Both are vital, but they are vital at different parts of life, listen to your heart and take the counsel of loved ones you trust to find your path at the moments life throws you.

-What are good things to worry about, and what are useless things to worry about?
  -Pay attention to your fears, and their source. Some fears are born of going against something instinctually learned inside of you that might not be the best for you at the present time, those are the times when you need to walk into the fear, peace of mind and growth lie on the other side. As to useless things, the behavior of others. I can guarantee that anothers behavior usually has nothing to do with you, and is born of their own fears, hopes, anxieties, and is not sourced in yours. A good friend once told me,"always keep in mind, you are not that fucking important." And it's true, just because I'm the center of my world doesn't make me the center of everyone else's.

-How do you cope with more and more people in your family passing away? (Sorry if this is a loaded or emotional question.)
  -You never cope with it, you just accept it. Each passing hits you in a unique way, and is dealt with differently. You want peace of mind, don't worry about people dying until they do, celebrate their living instead.

-Is it better to be organized and follow a set routine or to be fun and spontaneous?
  -Depends on your personality, but once again, pay attention to the fear thing, that hesitation to be spontaneous might be born of fear, but might also lead you to the girl or the job or the whatever, and you might miss out cause your fear held you back.

-What are things you wish you could do when you were younger but now you can't? (Sorry if this is another loaded question.)
  -Just don't ponder this one. My life is exactly where it's supposed to be, it couldn't possibly be anywhere else.

-For the older members who are single - what is life like? How is it different from when you were young and single?
  - My relationship life is in a standstill now as I continue to work on myself, so I'll just leave this one alone.

Offline rogerdil

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #10 on: December 11, 2012, 03:36:10 AM »
Question everything about society and its expectations.  It is run by rich white men who don't give a fuck about you.

Don't become a shazzbutter-eater (https://www.oocities.org/marek_vit/kt_boc2.html - second story listed). 

There is no truth, just people making their own myths.  So might as well make your own myths instead of blindly following the myths of the peanut-butter eaters.

Be more wary of legal drugs (TV, caffeine and alcohol) than illegal ones ‑‑ they're legal for a reason.

Everyone is crazy, it's just that most people won't admit it or are too unconscious to realize it.

One definitely needs friends and companionship, but have as few as many people in your life that will satisfy your minimal needs in this regard. 

What is X?  It is the realization that you're a fallen God.  So have fun acting like a monkey as long as you don't think that's all you are.

Read Eckhart Tolle for insight particularly on the first four questions you ask.
« Last Edit: December 11, 2012, 03:42:00 AM by rogerdil »

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #11 on: December 11, 2012, 06:16:52 AM »
When I was 20-ish, I read the book "Life's Little Instruction Book".  Worth a cursory read, or at least checking it out on the webz.  Here were some of the best ones, and some of my own.

The only thing you have to do is breathe.
No matter what happens, unless you die, life goes on.
Get your priorities straight.  No one ever said on their death bed, ‘geez, I wish I spent more time in the office.’
Keep your promises.
Do the right thing, regardless of what others think.
Don't expect life to be fair.
Strive for excellence, not perfection.
Evaluate yourself by your own standards, not someone else's.
Practice what you preach.
Don’t use time or words carelessly; neither can be retrieved.
Look people in the eye.
Good enough rarely is.
Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments.  It's there for your convenience, not the callers’.
Be modest.  A lot was accomplished before you were born.
If something sounds too good to be true, it usually is.
When you only need to buy something once, buy the best.
Remember that overnight success usually takes about 15 years.
Never swap your integrity for money, power, or fame.
Don't undertip the waiter/waitress because the food was bad.  They didn't cook it.
Be cautious about lending money to friends - you may lose both.
If you're not passing anyone, get the hell out of the left lane.
Get, and stay, in shape.
Tell everyone to "have a nice day", you'd be surprised how much they’ll appreciate it.
Remember that hearing and listening are two different things.
Never deprive someone of hope - it might be all they have.
Have a firm handshake.
If you don't feel comfortable giving your two best friends a key to your house, it's time to look for some new best friends.
Give people a second chance, but never a third.
Don't waste time with music you don't like.  Spend the time with music you love instead.
When taking a woman home, make sure she is safely inside before you leave.
Don't be intimidated into doing something you don't want to, or not doing something you do want to.
When you say "I love you", mean it.
When you say "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
Remember what's right isn't always popular, and what's popular isn't always right.
When shaking a woman's hand, never squeeze her hand harder than she is squeezing yours.
Send lots of Christmas and Valentine cards.  Sign them "Someone who thinks you're terrific".
If you lend someone money, make sure their character exceeds the collateral.
Accept a breath mint if one is offered to you.
Be open and accessible, the next person you meet could be your best friend.
Everyone loves praise.  Look hard for ways to give it to them.
Remember people's birthdays.
Be forgiving of yourself and others.
Take care of your reputation; it's your most valuable asset.
Learn to listen.  Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly.
Every so often, push your luck.
Be quick to take advantage of an advantage.
Don’t risk what you can't afford to lose.
Watch your attitude.  It's the first thing people notice about you.
Don't overlook life's small joys while looking for the big ones.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Check for toilet paper before sitting down.
Send cards for no reason whatsoever.
Send flowers for no reason whatsoever.

I'll come back another time with specific answers to your questions, but Orbert nailed a bunch of it... especially about time moving quicker.  I don't know if that's a function of age, or having kids, but holy shit does time start to accelerate.
That's a word salad - and take it from me, I know word salad
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Offline kirksnosehair

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #12 on: December 11, 2012, 08:03:59 AM »

-What are reasonable expectations to have of life?
Expect NOTHING, appreciate EVERYTHING


-What are reasonable expectations to have of yourself?
Be a giver, not a taker.  Be the person that people cross the street to say hello to, not the person they turn around and walk the other way to avoid.


-Which is more important to look for - opportunity for change or solid stability?
I've been at the same company for almost 15 years and now there are only two people above me.  As a result, I make a very, very comfortable living.   Not sure what might have happened if I had sought out more opportunity for change, but I know that I am in very good financial shape today and I enjoy my work very much.




-What are good things to worry about, and what are useless things to worry about?
Without your health you have nothing.  Take care of your body.  You only get one chance to be young.  If you smoke, quit now.  If you drink, do so in moderation.  If you find yourself trying to control your drinking, then your drinking is controlling you. Seek help.  You will change as you get older.  The way you look will change.  Deal with it.  Grey hair will come.  If you color it, you'll look like a shallow, vacuous douchebag.  Be yourself.  There is only one you.  You're special, so embrace who you are.  Don't ever let someone else define you.




-How do you cope with more and more people in your family passing away? (Sorry if this is a loaded or emotional question.)
I'll refer you to page 449 of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book.  Google it.


-Is it better to be organized and follow a set routine or to be fun and spontaneous?
Don't pin yourself down to either.  There is a time and place for everything, including spontaneity.




-What are things you wish you could do when you were younger but now you can't? (Sorry if this is another loaded question.)
Be a better son to my parents.  I can't go back and undo what I did.  But I wish I could. 


-For the older members who are single - what is life like? How is it different from when you were young and single?
I didn't get married until I was 36 years old.  Being older and single wasn't much different from being younger and single, with the major exception being the older I got, the older the women were who showed interest in me.


-For the older members who are married/not single - same question, how is your life different?
My wife is my best friend.  Sounds corny and cliched, but it's the truth.  My life is different as a married person because it's made me into a better person.  It's not all about me, me, me.  It's about us.  And that's good.

Offline Sir GuitarCozmo

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #13 on: December 11, 2012, 09:26:32 AM »
Not much more that I can really add to any of this.  I will offer one thing that I wish I HAD done.  Document your adventures in life.  I spent a lot of time on the road and saw a lot of different places.  I have very very little of ANY of it in pictures and I really regret not having done that.  At the time, digital cameras weren't the norm and I had a big clunky 35mm Pentax that was a little unwieldy to carry around on the road with me, not to mention only having X number of shots on a roll of film.  Now, you can get a decent digital camera for fairly cheap and have a much easier way of storing zillions of pics indefinitely.  Sure, we all have fond memories of things to look back on.  It's even cooler when you have the pics to go with the memories.  Don't let memorable times in your life go uncaptured, if you can help it.

I'm grateful that nowadays, Mrs. C. takes pictures of everything.  :lol

Offline Ħ

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #14 on: December 11, 2012, 10:54:52 AM »
-How do you cope with more and more people in your family passing away? (Sorry if this is a loaded or emotional question.)
I'll refer you to page 449 of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book.  Google it.
The version I found on the site has less than 200 pages.
"All great works are prepared in the desert, including the redemption of the world. The precursors, the followers, the Master Himself, all obeyed or have to obey one and the same law. Prophets, apostles, preachers, martyrs, pioneers of knowledge, inspired artists in every art, ordinary men and the Man-God, all pay tribute to loneliness, to the life of silence, to the night." - A. G. Sertillanges

Offline kirksnosehair

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2012, 12:01:24 PM »
heh, I guess if you're not that familiar with it, then you wouldn't recognize the key parts in a Google search.  So here it is, transcribed by my own hand from the pocket Big Book that I keep in my desk:


**Disclaimer: If you're not religious you can just substitute the word "God" with "Universe" or whatever you want.





And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!

The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.

Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavoir." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.

I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.

I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.

Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.

That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.

Offline ZeppelinDT

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #16 on: December 11, 2012, 07:29:59 PM »
I mean, if you want, go ahead. That's still really old, IMO.

:'(
It all depends on what YOU want out of life my friend.

This.  For the most part when I think "I was I had known X when I was younger", it's not so much about knowing actual facts, but more about knowing things about myself, or having known how specific things in my life ended up turning out, etc.  For example... I wish I had figured out years ago that I have no interest in being a lawyer (instead of waiting for the realization to come after 3 years of law school and 5 years of practice).

The one thing I can suggest, as cliche as it sounds... try as hard as you can to do something you enjoy doing.  Making tons of money is nice, but it's not really worth anything if you hate what you're doing every day.

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2012, 08:34:27 PM »
Probably my favorite passage out of the Big Book.

Offline Ħ

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #18 on: December 11, 2012, 08:40:38 PM »
"I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment"

What on earth does that mean? I apologize but I am very much deterred to that line of thinking. It seems like settling for the status quo. Like just throwing in the towel and saying, "Well, I guess this is just the way it is, whatever." What about being an agent of change in your life and in the lives of others? Never giving up? Giving it your all? Never settling for less than the best? Obliterating your weaknesses and becoming someone better? Why accept your flaws? Face them! Beat them to a bloody pulp!
"All great works are prepared in the desert, including the redemption of the world. The precursors, the followers, the Master Himself, all obeyed or have to obey one and the same law. Prophets, apostles, preachers, martyrs, pioneers of knowledge, inspired artists in every art, ordinary men and the Man-God, all pay tribute to loneliness, to the life of silence, to the night." - A. G. Sertillanges

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #19 on: December 11, 2012, 08:41:46 PM »
"I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment"

What on earth does that mean? I apologize but I am very much deterred to that line of thinking. It seems like settling for the status quo. Like just throwing in the towel and saying, "Well, I guess this is just the way it is, whatever." What about being an agent of change in your life and in the lives of others? Never giving up? Giving it your all? Never settling for less than the best? Obliterating your weaknesses and becoming someone better? Why accept your flaws? Face them! Beat them to a bloody pulp!

You can't change a situation before you accept it as it is.
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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #20 on: December 11, 2012, 08:48:31 PM »
Okay. Well, if "accept the situation" is synonymous with "acknowledge the reality of the situation", then I agree.

I have problems. I acknowledge them. But should I accept them in some sort of fatalistic sense, like "this is just who I am, fiddle-dee-dee!" I reaaaally am deterred by that attitude.
"All great works are prepared in the desert, including the redemption of the world. The precursors, the followers, the Master Himself, all obeyed or have to obey one and the same law. Prophets, apostles, preachers, martyrs, pioneers of knowledge, inspired artists in every art, ordinary men and the Man-God, all pay tribute to loneliness, to the life of silence, to the night." - A. G. Sertillanges

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #21 on: December 11, 2012, 08:49:44 PM »
@Orbert.

Basically...don't waste time on DTF? :lol

Hanging out here is something I enjoy.  I don't consider it a waste of time.  I learn, I share, possibly even teach.  Different people seek fulfillment in different ways.  This is one of the ways I do it.

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #22 on: December 11, 2012, 08:52:03 PM »
Okay. Well, if "accept the situation" is synonymous with "acknowledge the reality of the situation", then I agree.

I have problems. I acknowledge them. But should I accept them in some sort of fatalistic sense, like "this is just who I am, fiddle-dee-dee!" I reaaaally am deterred by that attitude.

I am not overly familiar with the big book, so it might not be what they meant, I assume Lonestar and Kirk could tell you more. I was just trying to come up with a definition of "accepting the situation" that isn't the same as giving up.

I guess it could also be seen as the serenity prayer "Allow me to accept the things I cannot change". Like not beating yourself up for things that are out of your control.
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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #23 on: December 11, 2012, 09:00:38 PM »
Hm I see. Well that makes sense!
"All great works are prepared in the desert, including the redemption of the world. The precursors, the followers, the Master Himself, all obeyed or have to obey one and the same law. Prophets, apostles, preachers, martyrs, pioneers of knowledge, inspired artists in every art, ordinary men and the Man-God, all pay tribute to loneliness, to the life of silence, to the night." - A. G. Sertillanges

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #24 on: December 11, 2012, 09:52:44 PM »
"I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment"

What on earth does that mean? I apologize but I am very much deterred to that line of thinking. It seems like settling for the status quo. Like just throwing in the towel and saying, "Well, I guess this is just the way it is, whatever." What about being an agent of change in your life and in the lives of others? Never giving up? Giving it your all? Never settling for less than the best? Obliterating your weaknesses and becoming someone better? Why accept your flaws? Face them! Beat them to a bloody pulp!

It means, to me at least, not letting things that happened be the driving force in your life, because they already happened and can't be changed. They are exactly the way they're supposed to be.

Offline kirksnosehair

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #25 on: December 12, 2012, 06:52:30 AM »
Right.  I made it my reply in response to the question of death of loved ones because, at least for me, that's an issue that hits home.  It's something that caused a lot of emotional turmoil in my life for many, many years.  It probably contributed a great deal to me....um....going away to "college" for the better part of two decades.   


I couldn't accept what happened, and so I struggled with guilt and anger and rage....and I buried that guilt and anger and rage with substances, which lead to a lot of problems, including...um...."college"  ::)


In the end, acceptance was the key for me.  Acceptance allowed me to start living a relatively normal life.  It allowed me to move through the grieving process, to get beyond the grieving process and get on with my life in a way where I wasn't constantly wondering and struggling with the question of "why?"   


The fact is, I don't know why my sister died in the same car crash in which I lived.  I don't know why we were both in the back seat of the same car and her head was crushed and mine was not.  I'm never going to know why, and moving beyond that required that I accept something that I could not change - she died, I lived.  And that's just how it happened.


It was a long time ago.  1968 to be exact.  I was 4 years old and she was 3 years old.  And she died on the seat right next to me.  And no 4 year old kid should have to watch his little sister take her last breath, but that's how it went down and it fucking destroyed me for many, many years.  I've got the wreckage in the wake of my life to show for it.  It took until I was in my early 30's to learn how to accept it.  Once I accepted it, I was able to get beyond it.   Death is not always easy to accept.  But we must accept it in order to live with it.

Offline wkiml

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #26 on: December 12, 2012, 07:08:26 AM »
regardless of what others here will tell you it is NOT okay to poop in her cereal
Quote from: senecadawg2 on July 17, 2012, 10:54:32 PM
In defense of peanut butter...

try getting the neighbor's dog to lick your balls with a spoonful of chummus.

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #27 on: February 18, 2021, 06:27:55 AM »
Just came across this thread.. I'll just say..
Too much wisdom for one page!

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #28 on: February 18, 2021, 06:31:52 AM »
Nem!

 :panicattack:
Zydar is my new hero.  I just laughed so hard I nearly shat.

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #29 on: February 18, 2021, 06:42:32 AM »
 :laugh: :-*

Offline Podaar

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #30 on: February 18, 2021, 06:45:47 AM »
This thread is a little bit :obscure:
"Religion poisons everything” — Christopher Hitchens

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #31 on: February 18, 2021, 06:47:44 AM »
Just came across this thread.. I'll just say..
Too much wisdom for one page!

Holy mother of god!  How the hell are you?

:obscuredbyclouds:
That's a word salad - and take it from me, I know word salad
I fear for the day when something happens on the right that is SO nuts that even Stadler says "That's crazy".
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Offline obscure

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #32 on: February 18, 2021, 06:48:23 AM »
This thread is a little bit :obscure:

Almost forgot about that one  :lol

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #33 on: February 18, 2021, 06:52:17 AM »
Just came across this thread.. I'll just say..
Too much wisdom for one page!

Holy mother of god!  How the hell are you?

:obscuredbyclouds:

Very well Chad, yourself? :)

Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Asking for advice from the DTF's old(er) members.
« Reply #34 on: February 18, 2021, 07:11:01 AM »
-What are reasonable expectations to have of life?

You get what you give


-What are reasonable expectations to have of yourself?

The easiest person to lie to is yourself. Don't blame other people for your problems. Life isn't fair, but you have control over a lot of it and no one is going to help you more than you can help yourself.


-Which is more important to look for - opportunity for change or solid stability?

This really depends. I have both and it works well. Stable job and home, but I am often trying new things outside my comfort zone and enjoy doing so.

-What are good things to worry about, and what are useless things to worry about?

Don't worry about anything you don't have direct control over. Oh, are we are going to war with Iran, will there be a nuclear war or how about an asteroid hitting the earth? Well I don't have control over that. But I do have control over my weight and diet and own personal health. I do have control over how I treat other people and if I'm being an asshole over overly critical.


-How do you cope with more and more people in your family passing away? (Sorry if this is a loaded or emotional question.)

I'm an only child and an only grandchild and my father left before I was born so I don't know his side of the family, so I only know of one grandparent passing away. Yes it does hurt and it had me pondering my own mortality, but I'm focused on moving life forward with growing my own family.


-Is it better to be organized and follow a set routine or to be fun and spontaneous?

I prefer being organized. Its gotten me the best results, but I'll call an audible when I feel the need to.


-What are things you wish you could do when you were younger but now you can't? (Sorry if this is another loaded question.)

Nothing. I still pursue whatever it is that I want to pursue. Age is just a number as far I'm concerned.


-For the older members who are single - what is life like? How is it different from when you were young and single?

N/A


-For the older members who are married/not single - same question, how is your life different?

This one took me decades to really develop my ideas on. There will always be frustrations with a romantic partner, but there can be a lot of joy as well. Its just the nature of the beast, but seriously if you are fighting on the daily then its probably better to move on to trying to see other people.

I've stayed in toxic relationships way longer than I should have for a multitude of reasons, but now almost in my mid 30's I can recognize that there has to be open communication, mutual respect and trust in a relationship for them to work for me. And I'm not to be afraid to move on if that's what needs to happen.

For the Gaps in my life where I've been alone, my life has run silky smooth, but it felt like a hollow existence in some ways. Relationships can be a headache at times, but there's where my life has headed at this point and I'm gonna do everything I can to make it work.