So, I'm at my best friends house, who happens to be an extremely hot mom. A god damn milf. That's beside the point. Her car breaks down on the way home, we push it back, then as we finish watching a movie and she finishes climaxing as my tongue exits her labia minor, I realize she drove me here to her house, we are both very drunk, and I have no friends because I am the anti-christ. So I begin to walk home. I turn around realizing I left my 1.75 ML of Malibu at her house. Grab it, and begin to walk home. Its still fairly full. As I am walking the 7 or so miles it takes to get back to my house, I am drinking Malibu all the while and staring at the stars. It's a pretty nice night, no clouds, breezy, and for once it's not hot as Satan's balls. I get home and I see my poor, cute, overweight Labrador lying on the drive-way asleep. I walk up and clearly startle her as she quite literally jumps up a feet or two in the air and is ready to gnaw my face off, hackles up and snarling as she doesn't know who I am yet. We stand there for a second or two as I think she's some random dog sleeping in my driveway. I realize. She realizes. We celebrate in a sloppy embrace. Then I ponder why my precious dog is left outside when she is clearly a fucking princess meant to be sleeping on a padded bed many people would kill to sleep on. But this is my god damn dog and I'm living in rural America, so suck on my Black Forest Ham I just bought from H.E.B., you slut. I walk inside to find my father sleeping naked on the couch (He is 56) with a girl who looks about the same age as the girl I just finished eating (23). What the fuck. I walk upstairs with the longest sigh I've sighed and...here we are.
Anyway, long story short, I'm drunk. And it was a good night. I like to go carpet diving. She promised she'd gag on my meat tomorrow (I manage the deli at randalls so there's a lot of meat jokes thrown in whenever we play around. Roast beef is very juicy.)