I just drank nearly half of a 750 ML bottle of Captain Morgan 100 proof. The term 'heavyweight' is a disgusting, fucked up understatement when describing my relationship with alcohol. God damn my mother for drinking excessively while I was in the shit hole that is her womb. In highschool it was nice to impress the ladies and pretend I was drunk whilst pounding their tight little caverns, but now it's just shitty and vile and aggravating. My life is similar to that of the nearly empty Malibu bottle sitting atop the table surrounded by other bottles of high class rum and liquor.
ED: Oh but for the record I'm still pretty drunk. I could still drive and get pulled over for not signaling and convince the swine that I'm perfectly fine, which I have done on numerous occasions and get off with nothing. Not even a warning. The hoofed swirly-tail would just say "Have a nice night". Pretty god damn awkward, actually. Boasting. Brushing my shoulders off.