My daughter turned 14 last month. She's in 8th grade, she's a good kid. A's and B's in school, plays violin in the orchestra, skates on a synchronized skating team, does all the normal things a junior high kid should do.
Last week, she told us that she was going to go to a movie with Marius and some other friends. Didn't ask us, told us.
Marius is a guy she'd met at a local teen event a few weeks before. He's a friend of a friend, the mutual friend being a girl on her skating team, another good kid. I have no reason to think that Marius is not a good kid as well, but I also have no reason to assume he's not a punk looking to cop himself some Asian.
What movie?
I dunno.
Who else is going?
I dunno.
When is the movie?
Saturday.
When?
I dunno.
So you're going to a movie, you're not sure who with, or when?
Uh... yes.
Uh... No.
What?!
Not until we know who all is going, when and where. And I need to meet Marius.
(sighs deeply) Oh... okay.
Some definitions: If there are at least three people going, it's a "group". She can go to a movie with a group. If it is only two people, then it is a "date". She's in junior high; I'm sorry, but she is not going on a date. And she's not going with a group if I haven't at least met the other kids. None of her friends wanted to go, so it will be Marius and some of his friends, but she assures us that she will not be the only girl.
Saturday arrives. She's texting him for additional details, and slowly getting them. The movie is at 5:40. Oddly, he doesn't tell her the name of the movie, and she doesn't ask. My spidey-sense is tingling. My wife checks the website; there are two movies starting at 5:40, both are R-rated. As far as I'm concerned, this is still not happening.
More texting. Can we drop her off at 4:30? No. Why not? Because I still don't know what movie you're seeing, and therefore I don't approve it. (sigh)
More texting. (Wouldn't it just be faster to call him and talk to him?) The movie is "This Means War". PG-13, some flick about spies who are both involved with the girl from "Legally Blonde". Reese Witherspoon? Yeah, her. Cool. Wife points out that the movie actually starts at 4:30. Yes, but you know how there's always ten minutes of previews and commercials and stuff. True, but I still have not met Marius. 4:20, then.
This is the event I've been looking forward to with both dread and great anticipation. I must strike the fear of Dad into this young man. I must make it clear, preferably without having to spell it out, that if he hurts my daughter, her pain will be avenged sevenfold. (That's where the expression comes from; might as well use it.) Actually, this could be kinda fun.
He's only in 7th grade, shorter than she is. Kinda small anyway, to be honest. His handshake is weak. If he'd met me with a decent grip, I was ready to increase the pressure, but there was no need. Good eye contact, though. Good. I ask him where he goes to school, what grade he's in. I already know these things, but I want to hear his responses. His answers are relatively calm and steady. Good. Also, he keeps up the eye contact, as do I. He pays for her ticket, soda, and a thing of popcorn for them to share. Hmm, impressive. Except that that makes it more of a date, doesn't it?
He is with three friends of his, all guys. Why are they standing over there? Forget it. I don't need to meet them. All I have to do is stand here and look scary. (My wife tells me later that they were probably all terrified, Marius too, but Marius had to meet me, whereas they did not.)
His friends actually met him there, and he was dropped off by his dad, so my wife offers to drive him home afterwards. Why, I ask her? So we can see where he lives. Ah.
After we drop him off at home, we ask her how the movie was, etc. It was fine. I ask how Marius was. Was he nice, did he treat her with respect? (I've been watching Godfather movies, and "respect" seemed a good word to use.) Yes, he did.
I explain that we trust her; that is not the issue. But we don't know him. If he's there with a bunch of his guy friends, that could be a good thing, or it could be a bad thing. At this age, I don't think it's a bad thing. They all saw me. They can't all be that stupid, and I will hurt them, if it came to that.
On the way in to the theater from the car, she saw another friend from school and yelled "Hi!" to her, and they talked a bit while we waited for Marius. My wife and the other girl's mom also chatted a bit, and they were seeing the same movie. Therefore at least one theoretically responsible adult who we knew would be in the same theater. That was good enough for my wife, so it was good enough for me.
I said in another thread that you try to instill good values in them, and at some point you have to let go and trust them. They can't prove themselves and earn further trust unless they're given the opportunity. And if they know you trust them, they will hopefully try to live up to that and keep it, as opposed to taking advantage of it.
One down, presumably many to go.
Topic: The Parenting Thread (Read 8180 times)
